People Want Our Input On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Not Boarding My Dog For Thanksgiving?
“I (27M) have a 2-year-old Doberman pincher that is super sweet and just loves to snuggle with anyone that he meets. I adopted him as a puppy and some of my family was not thrilled that he was a Doberman.
The first time my parents, sister, and brother met him was at a barbecue. My sister and brother made comments about how he was going to grow up aggressive and not be good around kids.
He is not aggressive at all and is a huge baby that loves to lick people to death.
Thanksgiving is next week and some family members are coming in from other states.
They are flying in on Monday and depart on Saturday. I currently am living in my grandfather’s cabin that he left for me when he passed. It has 3 bedrooms that are unoccupied.
My Uncle and Aunt want to stay in the cabin, but do not want my dog in the house. They suggested boarding him at the local pet lodge from Monday until Saturday.
I did call and asked for pricing and they told me that it would be very expensive. I also don’t want my dog to be gone for almost an entire week and in a place, he’s never been.
I called my Aunt and told her that I was not going to board my dog in the pet lodge. This is his home and he has every right to stay.
I offered to pay a few nights for a hotel room and my Aunt was not happy. She starts yelling at me that he is just a dog and family is more important.
My parents got involved and are on my Aunt’s side. My sister and brother think I should board him to prevent more problems.
AITJ for not boarding my dog for Thanksgiving?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My brother used to have a problem with the dogs we got at my mom’s house after he moved out. When he came over he expected us to put them away, kennel them or he’d kick them away with his greasy shoes that he wouldn’t take off.
He had to move back in with my mom and expected the same treatment. My final straw was on my birthday he wanted the dogs in a kennel, I refused and now apparently he likes them a lot? If the dog was aggressive or bites people regularly I could understand boarding it.
If they don’t like dogs or your dog they should probably not stay at the dog’s house and sounds like their problem.
Regardless of how you got the house you live in, it’s yours and is your dog’s home.
I wouldn’t offer to pay for their hotel but I’d suggest they stay somewhere else. Maybe I’m petty but I think I’d even go as far as sending them a Christmas card with the dog on it.” Substantial-Lake-436
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’ll stay at your house! Your dog sounds great. I might try to take him home with me though… lol. Did odd jobs for a family friend who had a large red Doberman that he sort of inherited from a deceased partner.
He was a great dog, loved people, the friendliest dog you could meet. The girl had taught him to smile, and they lived in an apartment over a garage, with an external staircase.
He would stand at the top and smile at anyone that came up. Seeing a mouthful of teeth from a large Doberman was rather intimidating to anyone who did not know him! but in reality, he just wanted to say hi, and get petted.
The way a dog is raised is much more important than the breed. There are poodles and labs that are vicious, and pit bulls that are pushovers. The issue here in reality is their fear of dogs, which is not your problem.
And due to that, they should have offered to pay for any boarding if they wanted to stay with you without the dog. If it was me, I would still say no though.
If they are not comfortable with the dog, they can stay in a hotel.” Few-Purpose6067
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your home your decision. I can’t see how they get to demand anything when it is your house.
DO NOT offer to pay for a hotel. I’m not even sure at this point I’d offer to let them stay at my house even with my dog. The entitlement of people amazes me.
There are ONLY way 3 reasons I’d say to board your dog: if someone has an allergy (which would be hard even because he lives there all the other time), a huge fear of dogs OR your dog wasn’t good with company.
Do not ‘keep the peace’ because this will then be expected of you every time someone wants to stay and doesn’t like your dog. Again your house and your dog!” Brain_Dead_mom
15. AITJ For Suddenly Refusing To Take My Brother In?
“I (30f) have a brother, John (28m). John has several different disabilities and struggles a lot with his health. For this reason, he got a service dog prospect. He was going to get a fully trained dog but his significant other is a dog trainer with experience with service dogs so they got a golden retriever puppy they can train themselves.
John has been living with our parents for a few years. Unfortunately, their health is declining and they cannot give him the care they need. They asked if I could give him a place to live for a few months, and said they would get him an assistant so the only thing I would be providing would be a place for him to stay.
I agreed, because I have an extra room, and did not think it would be a hassle.
However, they texted me and said ‘Great. We can drive him Wednesday, so could the house be puppy-proofed by then?’ They then sent me a list of what they wanted me to do:
Put away all electrical cords that are not behind closed and locked doors.
Now it’s not like I have a ton of cords just lying around but my electronics do have cords that are just up against the wall.
Get locks for all of the cabinets that if the dog got into could be dangerous.
Not leave out any food on the counter. Again, I do not just leave food lying on the floor. However, I do have certain fruits/vegetables and bread and other stuff on the counter and not in cabinets or the fridge.
Leave my cats behind closed doors so they wouldn’t bother the dog so that he wouldn’t have issues with cats later in life.
There were other things too, some reasonable, some along those same lines.
I won’t list them all for the sake of the character limit.
I told them they were being overboard and if the dog needed all that it probably couldn’t be a very effective service dog.
I mean for Pete’s sake is it really going to ruin the dog if he meets my perfectly tame cats that are probably going to be terrified of him?
They got upset at this, said I agreed to help him and part of that is accommodating his dog.
They’re saying I agreed to give him a place to stay for a few months and that I’m causing more issues by refusing now than if I had outright said no.
I said he was welcome, but the ridiculous measures they suggested would not be put in place.
Now they’re upset at me because they’re scrambling to find somewhere he can live because they thought an arrangement had been made.
They keep asking and I’m wondering if I am in the wrong?
AITJ for refusing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Their son and their problem. I could easily imagine that the temporary situation became permanent.
You avoided a situation there, why can’t he move in with his partner, the dog trainer?” JonathanWelford
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If they gave you the impression that you wouldn’t have to make any major changes to accommodate him and only hit you with this list of demands at short notice then they shouldn’t be surprised that you had to refuse at short notice. And why does he suddenly have to move out next week if he’s been living with them all this time?” Yikes44
14. AITJ For Making A Disabled Child Have To Meltdown?
“So I work at a pet store, and a family came in to buy fish. The family included a mother, and grandfather, and a child with an unknown but very apparent disability (my best-educated guess would be autism).
I worked with this family for about a half-hour educating them on fish care. The entire time I worked with them, the child kept walking toward me and getting incredibly close to me.
We are about the same height so his face was inches away from mine at multiple different points during the half-hour. Each time he got close to me, I began walking backward to maintain some distance.
This child persisted and the parent was not intervening.
My breaking point was when the child backed me into a wall, then reached out and pulled down my mask. I walked away quickly and very calmly expressed my discomfort.
The child collapsed to the floor and the meltdown began. Full-on screaming and crying. The parent and grandparents were not happy with this. I was then cussed out for offending and upsetting the child because ‘he just wanted to see what I looked like’ and that I was being ableist toward the child.
I apologized profusely but the family still stormed out. Ultimately this had no lasting repercussions for my job, but I still feel incredibly guilty. I am autistic myself and have a very difficult time when my personal space is invaded.
I am torn between thinking that I was right for standing my ground and thinking that I should have just let the child do as he wished as to not upset him.
AITJ?
edit 1: I am a manager in the store so those of you suggesting I report the incident to a manager, consider that done. Thank you all for the feedback 🙂
edit 2: sorry for the confusion about my height compared to the child in question, I have a very loose definition of ‘child’ and basically refer to anyone younger than me as a child.
He was approximately 11-12 by my best guess and I am 20F and about 5’2”. Hope this clears things up a bit.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Those parents are responsible for teaching their child BOUNDARIES and at least trying to enforce them.
They are not entitled to make other people uncomfortable for the sake of their children. This child took your mask off, during a health crisis without knowing your medical history or family’s medical issues.
He could have passed sickness to you and made you very ill or your family members. Anyone one of you could have had underlying medical conditions that could result horribly. Now by no means is it actually the child’s fault as it seems he has never been corrected for his behavior once in his life.
These parents put you at risk, and in all honesty, if they let their child approach people like that they are putting their child at risk by 1) physical health concerns and 2) they do not know what mental conditions other people may have nor do they know the type of person another person is just by meeting them.
What would they do if someone lashed out aggressively towards their child ??? These parents need to get their act together.” Past-Device-7850
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The parents should have intervened. Backing someone into a wall and touching them without their consent is not okay.
You weren’t being albeit, that was them trying to shift blame onto you instead of taking responsibility as being his caregivers and not monitoring his behavior/stopping inappropriate ones.
The reason why they didn’t report you? They knew they were in the wrong.
Having autism doesn’t mean you get a free pass to cross others’ boundaries.
(And many autistic people don’t do this nor use it as an excuse to do things like this, you yourself even probably wouldn’t do this).
This is why, as his caregivers, his parents and grandparents should have intervened because even if he doesn’t know better they should.
This was also dangerous for you and them for him to be that close to you and pull down your mask.
I hope he also had a mask on and I don’t want to alarm you but if you have any symptoms of a ‘certain illness’ I would go get tested and then quarantine until the results come back.
If the store has cameras tell your manager what happened and then look at the camera footage or have them do so to confirm.
Perhaps next time they come in, if they do, they can be talked to by a manager and given a verbal warning that this behavior puts the employers at risk and so autism or not it is not acceptable.
And if you are comfortable, you could say you too are autistic and don’t appreciate them throwing that term around to justify the behavior instead of them trying to manage it as his caretakers.
I hope you are okay now though and that nothing will come of it/no lasting effects. I am proud of you for standing your ground.” TheoryAddict
Another User Comments:
“NTJ forever.
One day those parents are going to die and he will be alone to navigate a world he doesn’t understand and that has rules he was never taught.
That’s not a good way to leave your child.
What you experienced was harassment, perhaps assault. You were afraid of him, he TOUCHED you and endangered you by pulling down your mask, no matter what his disability was, he thought his right to see your face trumped your right to own your body.
He backed you into a wall!
When I was about 11, my mother was good friends with a woman whose son was severely epileptic (so was my mom but managed it with meds).
He was about 14 and had to wear a helmet in case he collapsed. He didn’t really have language, and he constantly drooling. He had poor motor skills and walked in an unsteady lurching way.
He was almost 6 feet tall. And he loved hugs.
I am going into this much detail to give you a picture of who I, at 11, 4 ft something, was shooed off to hang out within his bedroom while my mom chatted with her friend.
I’d sit on the bed, terrified, sometimes fleeing back to the kitchen when he threw himself at me for a hug. I wasn’t really put off by the severity of the disease, but rather my mother’s belief that I was at all equipped to relate to him.
And they all thought the hugs were cute. I always ended up getting a painful squeeze. So this was a kind of scary situation and I couldn’t talk to my mom about it without being scolded for not being willing to spend time with people who are very different from me.
No. She put me at risk. He was so big and so unpredictable.
You had to deal with that exact thing at your store. Ableism is talking down to him. Yelling at him. Asking if he’s able to take care of fish. Ignoring him.
Ugh those parents! And really, poor kid!” Spuckleford
13. AITJ For Telling My Stepmom The Truth?
“I(16F) lost my mother when I was 4 years old. My father remarried when I was 7. My stepmother and I never really got along. My older brother (18M) dislikes her because she does not approve of him being gay.
My brother decided to go no contact with his stepmother and father when he turned 18 and moved into an apartment.
The worst part is when we go shopping together. I have a different taste of style than what she likes.
If I pick out an outfit that I like, she will give me her opinion and buy me clothes that I never will wear. We recently went out to shop for dresses and I found a dress that I really loved.
I showed it to her and she says that the dress looked tight and that she bought another dress. I finally had enough and say I am done shopping with you.
I hate the clothes that you pick out for me and am tired of looking like a church girl. From now on, I want Aunt to go shopping with me. I could tell that she was visibly upset and did apologize on the way home.
She lets my father know what happened and he comes into my room disappointed. He tells me that I am acting like a brat and will be grounded for 2 weeks.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your stepmother is a jerk for trying to treat you as her clone (and for being a homophobic jerk).
Your father is a jerk for marrying a homophobe. He gets double jerk points for having a gay son and STILL being ok with being married to a homophobe.
You’re 16. You only need to be there for another year or two.
So find part-time work as soon as you can. Save as much as you can.
And when you’re ready? Get out of there.
Once you’re financially independent and living away from them? You’ll never have to see them again if you don’t want to.” TexFiend
Another User Comments:
“I had this when I was a kid – though rather than a stepmother it was my grandma.
I was tomboy-ish/goth-ish and hated wearing ‘girly’ clothes – my grandma was very traditional and wanted me to be the typical girly girl. She would constantly veto my choices in clothing and buy me items I hated.
The one instance that sticks out in my mind was a pair of jeans that were cut too tight and heavily embroidered in roses. Today I would actually probably love them – but 16-y/o me? Not a chance.
It really strained my relationship with her (among other things she would do) and made me extremely self-conscious about how I dressed. I actively REFUSED to be feminine at all for years just out of spite.
It wasn’t until my 20’s that I finally let myself wear skirts and dresses regularly – my hair is even pink now!
NTJ, OP – your step-mom is being judgmental and controlling.
She’s only making her relationship with you worse, and likely messing up your self-perception in the process. Your dad grounding you for this I think is even worse – I’m so glad my parents at least had my back and told my grandma that they wouldn’t make me wear the clothes she bought me.
I can’t imagine how frustrating and invalidating it would have been for them to take her side.
This internet stranger wants you to know that your opinions do matter, and whatever your stepmom is trying to dress you up as isn’t who you have to be.
I’m sorry that your dad isn’t in your corner – he should be ashamed of himself.” RevvyDraws
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are ok enough to choose your own clothes as long as they fit any school requirements if they are being worn to school.
You should ask your dad why her controlling you is fine when she is not even your parent, but you expressing your feelings about being controlled by someone that is not even your parent is not okay.
Then tell him you would rather go shopping with him or by yourself and see how that goes. I’ll bet if he goes, he will not be as controlling.” holisarcasm
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Travel With A Vegan?
“My mother’s family owns a beach house in a beautiful part of Mexico. Right now, my sister, brother, sister-in-law, and two female cousins are planning on flying down there for the week around New Year’s.
It’s cold and snowing at home, so escaping to a warmer climate sounds great. My siblings, my brother’s wife, and our cousins are all in their twenties.
Problem is, my cousin (F21) wants to include her best friend, who I’ve met once or twice.
This girl is a nice person, and a strict plant-based vegan, as in no meat, no fish, no dairy, no honey, no eggs. Even most wine is off-limits until she finds out whether egg whites or gelatin were used to filter it.
Usually, we buy food at the local markets, then take turns cooking Mexican dishes, and frequently go to local restaurants. Everyone there speaks Spanish, which my sister, brother, and sister-in-law speak fluently.
I know enough Spanish to shop and order in restaurants. My cousins and cousin’s friend don’t speak Spanish.
We threw a birthday party for our cousin, ‘Sally’ this year and she invited her vegan friend, ‘Trish.’ As hosts, my sister and I had to figure out what a vegan could eat and drink amongst our party food.
We spent a good part of the evening Googling ingredients ‘Is seven-layer dip vegan?’ (No.) ‘Is X brand of tortilla chips fried in all-vegan oil?’ (No.) Many of our family’s homemade dishes like tamales and refried beans contain lard, and our Mexican rice has chicken stock.
Tequila and beer are vegan, but she doesn’t like those. She couldn’t eat the tres leches birthday cake. I made a special pot of Mexican rice for her, but catering to her dietary restrictions turned into an unexpected chore that cut into my time enjoying the party.
If she came with us to Mexico, ‘Trish’, who doesn’t speak Spanish and would be staying in our house in an unfamiliar place, would be relying on us and restaurants for food.
I don’t want to serve as a vegan spa chef for this girl. Also explaining in Spanish to restaurant staff in this sleepy little beach town that one guest needs an all-vegan meal also looks like a chore.
Her dietary restrictions would become the focus of every mealtime.
So I’ve pointed out that the house sleeps six and nobody else asked to bring a friend, so I voted to keep the trip family only, to which my sister and brother agreed.
‘Sally’ then complained that my brother is bringing his wife, but our sister-in-law is family in our eyes.
‘Sally’ is now saying she might not come on the trip. I did some research and there’s a vegan-friendly resort hotel about an hour away, but it costs $200+ per night, so we’re sticking to the line that the trip is family only.
I am wondering if I might be the jerk because 1) I’ve decided I don’t want to travel with my cousin’s friend due to the need to accommodate her complicated dietary preferences, and I’ve gotten my brother and sister to agree with me.
2) This action might make me the jerk because my cousin is really upset and I’m worried I might be guilty of discriminating against vegans somehow.
ETA: For those who have now decided Sally and Trish must be a lesbian couple, I have seen nothing in their behavior to indicate that they are anything but close platonic friends.
If Sally was gay, she would not have to be in the closet amongst our family — if she came out, we would be accepting and supportive. But she’s 21, has dated only men, and only talked about wanting relationships with men, and I think if she was a lesbian she would have told us by now.
It’s not like she would be facing any rejection or negative consequences from us if she did. So there’s no need to call me ‘homophobic’ based on this false assumption, thanks.
ETA: It would take some effort for Trish to be self-sufficient as far as getting vegan food on her own if she went with us. First of all, the house is semi-secluded, about two miles from town on the public road, and it’s in a wooded area and you need to drive down a private lane to the shore, where the house is.
We often walk to town for fun in good weather because it’s a very pretty walk, but it is about four miles round trip and somewhat hilly. My brother is renting a large car that can carry 6 to 8 people, luggage, and groceries, usually a Suburban or the like, but only he, his wife, and I will be insured to drive it.
So if Trish wanted to go buy her own food, she would have to walk into town or get one of us to drive her and translate for her when we got there.
it looks as though Sally has officially pulled out of the trip though, and we’ve all said: ‘Okay, we’ll miss you.’ Her invitation has not been rescinded and she can still decide to come anytime she wants, but we are all firmly sticking to our ‘family only’ decision.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it is a family trip.
SIL is family – Trish is not. Your cousin is a jerk for saying your SIL isn’t family. Seriously that smacks of jerkness. Are you bringing a friend? No. Is your sister bringing a friend? No.
Is your other cousin bringing a friend? No. So why does Sally get to bring a friend? Is she more important than the other people on the trip? No. Do you want to be crowded in a house like it is spring break? No.
Those are reasons enough alone for me. As for your issue with vegans, it seems more of a Trish problem. The few vegans I know, usually bring their own chips, etc… because they don’t want to impose.
Trish should be prepared especially when she is so strict with her veganism. She will have a hard time finding food in rural Mexico that works with her diet.
If for some reason you lose your ever-loving mind and kowtow to an entitled 21-year-old.
This is your vacation, you tell your cousin that She can cook Trish’s special dishes but you are on vacation and it’s is a pain in the a$% to adapt recipes so you will not cook vegan.
I love to cook but I cook big pans of lasagna, ziti, enchiladas, etc… so I am not cooking the entire trip. My kids are teens and they know to either eat what I cooked or make a sandwich but ‘Mama ain’t no short-order cook.’ You aren’t her parents and she is at least 21 for god’s sake.
I took Spanish 25 years ago. Between that and a Spanish app on my phone, I can order about anything. The Mexican people I met at the shops are not only awesome but extremely helpful.
If Trish had dietary constraints then Trish should deal with them. She could research about 20 phrases and find out if whatever she wants to eat is vegan. Then buy it.
Unless you are staying someplace fancy, as you said everything is cooked with animal fat or lard (that is why it is freaking yummy-I would sell my soul right now for some good tamales).
She is an adult so it isn’t your responsibility. I would tell your cousin that if she has a problem using pans that meat may have touched then she will have to bring her own pans.
My few vegan friends adapt and eat a lot of guacamole. My pescatarian friends love Mexico. Even my friend with celiac can get around in Mexico. It is not impossible but Trish should be prepared to act like an adult and take care of her self-imposed dietary restrictions.
Have fun in Mexico!” SandwichThin3487
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I know it’s not the same because one is chosen and the other is deadly but my partner’s nephews are allergic to a number of foods.
Deathly allergic and their parents are 100% responsible for them and when they are older they will be responsible for themselves. Rent a family cabin, cool, but their parents do separate grocery shopping and research on everything, not the rest of us.
The research places to eat as well.
We were all going to go to Ireland before 2020 and they did all their own research.
You put hours into research and looking which is honestly above and beyond the kind of you.
Your cousin is also being a brat. Your husband’s wife is family. She married into the family. I’m not sure how she’s comparing a friend to a spouse. Unless it’s her secret girl and she was going to use the trip to tell the family.
In that case, all the responsibility is on your cousin to do research for her girl (if she was a secret partner).
Let her throw a fit and not come. You could be without the extra drama and pouting.” ViolinistDoll666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’ve all decided it’s a family trip and your brother’s wife is family. For your cousin to point that out as an anomaly is her essentially grasping at straws to prove her point and to be right.
She asked if she could bring her friend and you said no. She might be a little hurt by that, which you can allow her to be, but she might get over it.
I’m wondering, though, if this friend is more than a friend. Maybe they’re actually a couple, but they’re not coming out in the open about it because they’re still unsure or they don’t want to come out yet.
Given that she equated her bringing her best friend to your brother bringing his wife, there might be a romantic connection going on between the two.
As for the friend not being responsible for her veganhood, I think it’s happening that younger people expect that there are vegan options because vegan is becoming more common and there have been restaurants that serve those options.
I think it’s very selfish to expect a host to have vegan options. It would be like going to South Korea and expecting the shopkeepers there to be able to speak English.
You set your boundary, and you’re not doing it because you don’t like this friend personally. If your cousin doesn’t want to go, then that’s her decision. It’ll suck for a while and she might hold it against you, but you are NTJ.” MalabarTimes
11. AITJ For Putting My Career Before My Family And Friends' Wellbeing?
“I moved away within 4 months of graduating college, and I thought I might have abandoned everyone and everything… today I was told that was true.
I (F25) visited home for Thanksgiving, which I haven’t done since the year after I graduated college.
I went to college within an hour of my high school, so all my old friends kept close with me. I moved to Florida back in 2017 for a job. I wanted a better future.
But it’s been a few years, a LOT had happened in peopled lives… hearing about everyone’s lives and how they’ve grown is tough. I am so happy for the successes and my soul genuinely aches for the failures (deaths, jail, etc).
But today, one of my best friends in the world brought up (as she has many times) how I should move home… she mentioned I was selfish in leaving my family and friends behind so suddenly.
I was the glue holding everyone together…
I had already internally thought that but hearing someone else say it that I care so much about. My heart felt crushed, I started bawling and it led to a bunch of my high school friends talking about their regrets.
We all had a cry, even some guys I’ve never seen cry… But the thing is, I always felt I moved away for a better future. If I stayed in my hometown, I wouldn’t be where I am in my career today.
But I can’t help shaking this feeling I might be selfish…
My dad is in his mid-60s and seriously needs to retire before he works himself to death. If I stayed, he probably would’ve already retired.
His home (that my 23 M brother lives in rent-free) is filthy and only ever gets cleaned when I am home… it breaks my heart to see them living in such filth and poor conditions.
My mom lives with a man she met 4 years ago because she really had no other choice after lying to my dad so many times… our relationship is rocky, didn’t talk for 2 years because of her heavy drinking…
she’s gotten help and she’s my mom and I love her. She also has brought up moving with me multiple times (terrible idea)
I dated a man for 4 years, begged him to move with me.
I thought we would start a life together (M30) but he had too many responsibilities with his family, he took care of them all… his handicapped uncles and parents. He couldn’t move and things deteriorated after I moved, he’ll always be the ‘one that got away’…
also I must say I’ve since moved on, I have a new life in Florida with a man (M25) I’ve been with for 3 years.
Am I selfish? AITJ?! I feel as though I abandoned all these people and my best friends, whose lives have been rough too since I left…
I truly think moving home would solve all their problems, but I’d be giving up my career and everything I worked for, my health, I don’t want that responsibility, but I took on the leader for years.
At the same time my parents, they’re old and need me, my friends need me, everyone says it…
AITJ? Am I being selfish? Is there some happy solution? AITJ?!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – every person who’s trying to hang their troubles on you now had choices they made to be the way they are.
Your dad chooses to keep his house badly and to allow your brother to do the same instead of taking care of himself and his home.
Your friends all had options to work for different goals or to manage their own relationships and friendships to make themselves happier, and your best friend could choose to celebrate your success and be happy for you but instead chooses to think only of the effect you have on her (improving things for her) rather than the effect she has on you (making you feel insecure and selfish for choosing a direction in life that makes you happier).
The thing about those regrets is… you have fewer of them than they do. And staying behind to look after them all would even it up but not in a good way – they need to start working on having fewer regrets themselves in the future rather than trying to make you have more.
That in itself is pretty selfish but refusing to buy into it or let them pressure you is not.” redcore4
Another User Comments:
NTJ.
You can’t live your life based on what other people need.
Let’s break this down.
Your friends are huge jerks for saying that to you. Under that mentality, no one would ever join the military, travel, or do anything. She’s scared to leave home and wants you to stay at home too so that nothing changes.
She needs to grow up and get a life of her own. A real friend would be ‘I am so proud of you… tell me all about it.
You’ve sorted the guy’s side – 3 years shows it’s real, so you’ve got nothing to worry about there, and you’re just feeling the very human nostalgic pangs that occur when you haven’t seen someone who used to mean a lot to you.
M30 had the choice to move with you and chose not to do so. He’s a good man – that’s why you liked him a lot. Respect his choice, as I bet it was hard for him too.
Family – Brother should be helping out around the house if he’s living there rent-free. Tell your dad that if he gets your brother to pay the rent he should be paying, then he could retire.
Or tell your brother to move out so that the house costs less to run and your dad can afford to work fewer hours.
I am glad things are getting better with your mum but do not let her move with you.
She sees you and sees the life she clearly wishes she had chosen.
You are not selfish. You’re driven, ambitious and successful and should not feel one iota of guilt because other people don’t have the goals and desire to succeed that you have.
You need to put yourself first. Your family and friends need to take ownership of their own lives. They are acting as anchors, stopping you from leaving the harbor because they are happy in shallow waters and scared of the sea.
Sail away sweetie, sail away.” TheGeneral1981
Another User Comments:
“NO IM GOING TO SAY THIS VERY CLEARLY!!
DO NOT MOVE BACK HOME!
I know how you feel, my family fell apart when I moved out (cough cough got kicked out due to circumstances) and began to set boundaries because my life was hindered by their expectations of me.
My parents split up, my sister and BIL lost the kids, my other sister is under stress taking up my former responsibilities.
But the thing is that none of them were my responsibilities and none of them are yours.
Yeah if your father broke the bank putting you through college etc to get you into your career now there would be some sort of responsibility to take care of him in his retirement, but there is no reason to make your life small so that the people around you can grow.
Your life is your responsibility and their lives are their responsibility. Your brother I assume is capable of cleaning the house and you are not the only child. Your father had his own life to live and it’s not your fault he cant retire.
He had kids, chose his path and you didn’t choose any of that for him, HE DID.
Same with your mother, she lied and broke up the marriage, actions have consequences and she has to keep that.
Growing up with addicts and well, criminals are not easy. Supporting them through withdrawal, lawyers, hospital visits, etc. is more than you can put on yourself. It takes a toll mentally, physically, and financially.
You only have to do what is best for you and anyone requesting that you make your life smaller so they can benefit are the ones being selfish. Their lives are not your responsibility.
You didn’t make them do illegal stuff, lie to their partners, go to jail, etc.
If you go home, do it because it is what YOU WANT not what you believe is arbitrarily required of you.
Also as for the guy, I’ll say what I tell everyone if you love someone else (that is if you leave your new partner for your previous one given the chance) just ditch your bf now bc he isn’t the one for you and you don’t want him as much as you might convince yourself you do.
I hope this helps. NTJ.” enjoyingtheposts
10. AITJ For Not Sending My Mom Allowance?
“Ever since I (20F) got my first job at Walmart, my mom (38F) has been asking me for allowance to pay bills (one time over $400 for the phone bill) or to get herself food.
I don’t mind, and I send it to her most of the time when I have it. The problem is that when I don’t have enough to send her some, she gets mad and calls me selfish, tells me that I am being irresponsible with my finances because I should have enough, or that if I really wanted to help her I would.
This most recent time was probably the worse.
When I went back to college, I was staying at my partner’s apartment because he drives me to work in the morning. My mom called and asked me if I could pay the cable bill, and I told her that I didn’t have enough because I put most of my paychecks in my savings account because I am saving up for a car, and I’ve been trying to pay off my credit card.
She went crazy saying that she couldn’t believe that her own daughter would betray her and that I was just making up excuses. She even made me take a screenshot of my bank app and show her how much I had.
Then she made me go back to my dorm and kept me on the phone for over 4 hours. She just kept saying that she couldn’t believe that her own daughter would betray her and that she’s done everything for me (she even started listing ways that she took care of me).
I just don’t understand how I am betraying her because I send her money most of the time she asks. I am honestly starting to feel like her mom because of how much she started asking me for money.
Then when she couldn’t yell at me about that anymore, she started yelling at me about how much time I spent at my partner’s apartment, and saying that I haven’t been taking care of myself because I haven’t been going to the gym as much as I used to and that I’ve gained weight since I met my significant other.
Keep in mind that the only reason I lost weight in the first place is that I was depressed, I went to the gym nonstop, and I pretty much only ate either one cup of ramen or a bag of chips a day.
Now I feel like I can’t tell her no because I know that she’s going to yell at me, and whenever she does it affects me for days. I’ve even gone to work crying because the conversation kept replaying in my head.
Whenever she texts me asking for money I get so anxious, and if I don’t reply quick enough she starts calling nonstop until I answer. Now I feel so bad. After all, I don’t even like talking on the phone with her because I am scared of saying something that will make her angry and start yelling at me again.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, as a mom myself, I would say that your mom is being selfish.
You are in school and working. Your mother should be asking you if you need anything! She should not be making you feel bad about yourself and she should absolutely not be harassing you.
You sound like you are taking care of yourself and have a good head on your shoulders. Keep doing that. Think about what you want, what you dream. It is ok.
Very best to you!” celtictortoise
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
I understand giving your parents some budget for bills if you’re living with them, but anything other than that is being selfish herself. It is a parents’ job to raise you and do things for you as you grow up, your childhood isn’t something you have to pay them back for.
She’s trying to manipulate you and feel guilty for being an adult with your own money when she’s the one being irresponsible with her own finances for not being able to pay her bills.
You’re grown, now she doesn’t want to be responsible for herself.
Please don’t feed into it, and don’t feel bad for her own selfishness and greed. Stand your ground that you won’t give her money, you’re an adult, you need to take care of yourself and your needs first.
My grandmother tries it all the time, going as far as to not pay the taxes on her house and make me pay it, trying to guilt me by saying she’ll go homeless, and that my kiddo won’t have somewhere to play/visit.” KeiraJaye
Another User Comments:
“Sweetheart, this is abuse.
You are the child in this relationship and your mother should not be relying on you for allowance. She should especially not be verbally abusing you for not doing what she wants.
INFO: do you have a support system such as friends/extended family?
This may sound extreme, but you need to cut your mom off financially and probably go no contact for a while and find yourself a therapist/counselor to support you through it.
My husband’s relationship with his mom from the age of 15-31 has been just like yours (although she didn’t demand money as often as she demanded his time and she is a heavy drinker).
Around 30 we started putting up firm boundaries (don’t call when you’re wasted) and she went full-throttle on the kinds of calls and texts you are receiving. My husband would miss her call while at work and she would proceed to call several times and leave nasty voicemails/texts about how horrible of a son he was, etc).
We have been more or less no contact for the last few years (we try again every so often and the same thing happens again) and it has changed my husband for the better.
His anxiety/depression is lifted and he has learned good coping skills to deal with the random voicemails.
It’s hard but worth it! I am currently a stay-at-home mom, but we joke that my MA in Marriage and Family Counseling was money well spent to help us navigate this!
You are NTJ and you deserve better op.” Starrynight118
9. AITJ For Not Letting My Neighbor Use My Yard For Parking?
“I own a house on several acres of land. My property was originally two separate lots that I purchased and had made into one large piece of land. I built my house on my right-most seven acres, leaving my left-most ten acres essentially empty.
I specifically bought this much land so I could have privacy and noise reduction and that’s exactly what I got and love about my land. Because my land was originally two different pieces my other side has a driveway entrance that I never use.
Across the street from my property are several houses built close together that don’t have much by way of a yard and have driveways that only fit 2 cars bumper-to-fender, so I’ve noticed if they have more cars than can fit they usually park on the curb along the front of the yard but even then you can only fit a couple of cars there.
Right before Thanksgiving my neighbor across the street closer to the unused side of my property came to my house and made a request: they had a bunch of family coming to their house for Thanksgiving and Christmas and parking was going to be an issue so they were hoping I’d let them park their excess guests on my property, they offered to pay me a couple of hundred bucks and also said if their family’s cars damaged my yard they’d come over and fix it.
I don’t know these people and I bought my land so that I could be all alone on it so I said no. I could tell they were disappointed and they left without complaint.
Come Thanksgiving I saw they had somehow managed to squeeze about six cars on their property: 2 in the driveway, four parked across the front yard, and another 2 on the curb along the front yard on the other side of the ditch.
And, because it’s been raining lately their grass got messed up and their yard is now covered with mud-tracks and looks very bad.
The wife returned yesterday and asked me if I could reconsider my answer for Christmas Eve and Day.
I remained firm on my answer. That’s when the wife got upset and said that in the seven months that I’ve lived I’ve never done anything with that side of my land other than maintaining the grass and ditches and that she couldn’t understand why I was being so difficult.
She said that because I’d said no at Thanksgiving she’d had to call several relatives and tell them to make other plans which ruined a lot of plans for a lot of people.
She asked me to have a heart and told me that this holiday season was the first time she’d be seeing most of her relatives since the Panini started. She also offered me a bigger amount to use my land.
At this point, I am saying no more because she keeps pressing the issue rather than for any legitimate reason. I don’t celebrate the holidays and I don’t know these people so I really don’t see how any of this is my problem or why I should care.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You are definitely NTJ. I know there is a lot of people on here saying it wouldn’t hurt to let them do it but I can say from experience that in situations like this it’s best to err on the side of caution because some people do assume that because something was ok once it’s always cool.
When I was in college I lived alone in a duplex where upper and lower both had 2 parking spots. The girl who moved into the other half asked me if her partner could use my extra spot for one night and I said ok since I didn’t need to use it.
Big mistake. Shortly after that, she parked a whole frickin boat and trailer in one of her spots and her significant other just used my extra spot without asking 2-4 times a week.
At that point, I couldn’t find a not awkward way of asking them to stop doing especially since I let him once and wasn’t really using it. Then my again off again significant other from back home came to visit and he had to park on the street because when he got there both spots were being used and the neighbors weren’t even home to ask to move.
He had to park on the street overnight which you can get a ticket for. Luckily he didn’t get a ticket but with me paying for two parking spots risking a ticket should not have ever been a thing.
I kinda let that go because I was graduating that year so it was a very temporary situation. It sounds like you and neighbors own the houses so it could easily turn into these people’s guests assuming using your parking is fine for a very long time.” t00muchnothing
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You’re perfectly within reason to refuse parking on your property, just as your neighbors seem decent enough that they offer money for the privilege. Them pushing it could steer into jerk territory, but it mostly sounds like they’re semi desperate for an easy solution.
However, it does make me wonder how they ever coped with their huge family get-togethers before you owned both properties. Sounds like there was no space back then either…
Whatever the case, declining them the convenience isn’t a jerk move.
Sure, you could be more friendly and help them out, but there’s no moral obligation, especially when it’s a problem of their own making that has plenty of other solutions (carpool, taxi, etc).
Besides, if you allow it now, you run the risk of it becoming a recurring thing (even if you specifically mentioned it’d be one time) or other neighbors asking something similar.” BrainNSFW
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – legally, technically right? Yes but you’ve asked if you’re a jerk and in my opinion you are.
They asked, offered compensation for the use of your unused land, and offered to recompense you for any damage and you said no because what? You just didn’t want to. I mean that’s your right but that’s not the question.
You could have done a kind thing to help a neighbor and you didn’t. I don’t get why others think these people are entitled to just asking either. They’re not demanding, they ask and give a justification for why they’d appreciate the OP having a bit of compassion.
It’s not entitled to argue your case when you think you have one. And as for everyone losing their damn minds about someone possibly slipping over – have them sign a damn waiver if it’s that much of an issue.
You can be kind and smart. They’re not mutually exclusive.
You could have earned and had a favor banked for when you needed one from your neighbors – now you’re the community’s Scrooge.
Well done you.” sally_marie_b
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but…
What’s the big deal? If possible, put yourself in their situation. Based on what you said, they’re not lousy neighbors, they leave you in peace and they’re not acting entitled in the least.
It went from 2 days to just one day. You stated that you don’t celebrate the holidays, and if you did, your description of the property sounds like it wouldn’t disturb your celebrations either.
It’s not like they’re asking you to borrow a car or $100, they’re asking to let a few cars park on your property for a few hours. Everyone involved gets that it’s YOUR land and also seems to respect that or they wouldn’t be offering to pay.
I can’t think of a more passive favor than allowing someone to park on part of your property that you don’t use for a few hours on Christmas day. You are 100% within your rights so you’re NTJ, however, your actions are a little petty (if that’s the right word).” LacJlg
From the neighborly standpoint, you’re a huge jerk. They asked. They’re willing to pay. They’re willing to fix damage. It’s for a couple of days.
Hope you’re self sufficient because you’re not getting any help from your neighbors when you need it.
8. AITJ For Spending A Lot For My Mother's Funeral?
“I (30f) am having a real hard time this week. My mom (60f) has stage 4 terminal breast cancer and is not going to make it through the holiday. She has been battling this since 2017 and I have been by her side every step of the way.
I have gone to all her chemo appointments, radiation and done everything for her. I had to shave her head when she started losing her hair. This has been one of the hardest things I have had to go through with her and I know for a fact that she is ready to rest and be done with her pain.
My heart is so heavy right now because I am not her only child. She is not an only child. We have been dealing with this alone together. My brother, (29m), just came back from the military in June but decided to leave in a different city despite knowing mom’s condition.
I don’t blame him for not wanting to accept our mother’s illness or fate. I do, however, feel like he is abandoning us in the hardest part of this journey.
Unfortunately, our mother is ready to pass on and I don’t want to leave her suffering anymore.
My brother and I have come to the collective decision to pull the plug this Saturday before Thanksgiving. It hurts so much thinking of it as the day slowly creeps closer.
It hurts more knowing my brother, even though my mother never left his side, will not be there with me as I let her go.
The part where I am starting to feel like the bad guy about is the funeral arrangements.
Mind you, I also had to set it all up by myself. My family, aka mother’s youngest sisters, think that I am being swindled into spending $4,000 for her funeral because I want to have a viewing for those who are not going to be able to say goodbye to my mother, as well as my 7-year-old son who has, to this point, grown up with his grandma always in the picture.
Unfortunately for my son, he will not be able to give his grandma a final goodbye while she is alive. I know it’s for the best so he does not see her in this condition, but I want him to be able to see her in the casket and understand that she is gone and he can still kiss her goodbye before her cremation.
All but one of my aunts think I being selfish and disrespectful to my mother’s dying wishes. None of them helped us through her treatment and only started asking about her condition when she was at death’s door.
So, I need to know before I regret anything or feel like I’m dishonoring my mother, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have been her principal caretaker throughout her illness. You and your brother are her next of kin and have decided what to do next.
Her sisters, your aunts, may have feelings; but their opinions are secondary to you who — better than anyone else — know her wishes. This is a very difficult time; but you honor her by doing what you, with your brother’s support, know is the best thing to do.” Individual_Ad_9213
Another User Comments:
“First of all let me say I’m sorry you are going through this.
You need to have the funeral you want and your mother would have adopted off. I don’t know if your mom would have approved of an expensive funeral or not – you can answer that better than I can.
Would she have preferred that you spend it some other way?
One thing I will caution you about is having your son kiss his grandmother goodbye. That can be very traumatic (touching a corpse) for a child.
No jerks here.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“$4,000 is extravagant? Jesus Christ… the last time I had to arrange a funeral it cost $10,000 minimum and that was over 10 years ago. I’m so sorry you have been spending the last four years in this draining situation.
Watching a parent slowly deteriorate and not being able to do anything is exhausting and depressing and I desperately hope you can get some support either through a group or one on one. You are so totally NTJ and anyone who hasn’t been there with you every step of the way gets no input. Zero. zilch. NTA” Gothic0165
7. AITJ For Taking Claims Fund From Someone With Diabetes?
“So I was walking home from university and got hit as a pedestrian walking on the sidewalk by an old lady in a sedan. I was thrown into a building and hit it but surprisingly suffered no major injuries except for soft tissue damage and a rolled ankle.
Due to how clearly it was the driver’s fault (and that she was driving on a revoked license) I was going to basically get about 18k easily for an ambulance, PT, and emotional damage payout according to a lawyer I consulted.
I have no idea how my friend put two and two together but she told me her grandma was the one who hit me. It turns out her grandma’s license got revoked because she had diabetes that sometimes causes her to blackout and wasn’t considered a safe driver.
Her grandma didn’t have anyone else to help her at the store and other things so she took the risk and drove herself and ended up blacking out and hitting me.
She tried to get me to take a cash payout of $5000 rather than take the larger insurance payout because it looked like the insurance company might go after her because she was driving on a revoked license.
I have no idea how accurate this is legally but apparently, her grandma was already under legal trouble because she drove with a revoked license.
In the end, I decided to take the payout by the insurance company because it was more money and I had to miss a week of work to recover and push back a midterm so I felt I was entitled to the moolah.
My friend was furious with me since now the insurance company might go after her grandma for the money and raise her insurance premiums a lot because of the accident. She stopped talking to me because of it calling me selfish money-hungry for not taking a private payout.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Unfortunately, his grandmother is suffering from a serious medical condition. It is worse that she continues to drive knowing she is unsafe. One would think blacking out and potentially killing someone would put a stop to driving.
But apparently not if he is worried about her insurance rates going up. If you don’t drive, you don’t really need the insurance. And they are likely to drop her rather than raise her rates.
Would a private pay-out avoid issues for grandma? If the insurance company was aware of the accident, that is going to be reflected in their rates and decision around dropping coverage.
The only way that works is if the insurer never knows (no claim was ever filed, no accident report was ever made, no police issued a citation).
Will the insurer be able to hold granny personally liable for the $18k? That depends on insurance laws and terms of coverage.
In essence, the insurer would be arguing that as she was not licensed, she (not the insurer) is ultimately liable. If they don’t go after her, grandma has $5k for ubers that she otherwise would have given you.
While the medical issue is not her fault, her license was revoked because allowing her to drive was a high risk (just as if she was driving impaired).” tropicaldiver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She was driving on a revoked license because she thought she knew better than the state. Which resulted in a hospital visit for you. It was entirely her fault. Enjoy your money and one less ‘friend’ to have to keep up with.” ACES_II
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but your friend is for guilting you.
You are not responsible for her grandmother, her grandmother had her license revoked for a very serious and dangerous reason. You’re lucky it was minor, because what if it wasn’t, what if she had hit a child? Or an elder? Your friend says she took a risk, well risks have consequences when they don’t go in the person’s favor.
You’re not money-hungry either, you lost a week of work, got stuck with medical bills, and had to take a midterm at a different time, also you are in University and probably are stuck with some debt.
I hate to be mean about an old lady, but she should not have been driving, if she has trouble finding help, it may be time for her to go into an assistance program that can help her with commute-related tasks. Now she needs to reap the consequences, being elderly and ill does not give you a free pass.” Silver_Kitty_Kat
6. AITJ For Telling My Partner She Stole From Me By Using My Credit Card?
“I (m27) have been with my partner (f24) for 7 months. We don’t live together and she has sleep-overs at my place regularly.
2 days ago, She spent the night at my place, and in the morning while I was sleeping in she got up, got dressed, took my credit card, and went grocery shopping with it.
I woke up to a massive breakfast made by her as a surprise and when I asked how she got money and time to prepare all that she told me she took my credit card while I was sleeping and headed to the supermarket to get the stuff she needed to make me a surprise breakfast.
I was stunned I asked why she didn’t ask before taking my credit card and she said I was sleeping and she didn’t want to bother me besides that she wanted this to be a surprise.
I just stared and said, ‘I don’t know, you do realize you technically stole from me when you took my credit card and went shopping with it without my consent, right?’
She looked at me in complete shock and confusion and said that she was just trying to do something nice for me and I just implied that she was a thief.
I just shrugged and said it was technically true. She was so upset she got stormed out of the kitchen crying. She collected her stuff and left after she said she spent time and effort to prepare me breakfast and I was out of line to say she stole from me just because she forgot her wallet at home.
She kept hanging up when I tried calling her and later sent me funds for the stuff she bought although she didn’t take anything with her.
My sister came over and when I told her she called me an ungrateful jerk with no manners to react this way after this display of affection by my partner.
She suggested I get over myself and apologize as soon as possible but I decided to take my time. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I think it’s how he presented it.
He could simply have said I’m not ok with you taking my credit card without permission please ask me first next time though I do appreciate the thoughtfulness in the gesture and 2nd she paid him back even without taking anything with her.
She shouldn’t have taken the card without permission but I think she didn’t realize the implications of how her actions might be perceived. I think this is more naivety as she did not steal money or groceries from OP nor have any such intention.
He should accept this was a 1 off mistake and she did not understand how it would be received. Now she does.” celrian
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. She shouldn’t have taken the card without his consent or stormed out, but if he actually cares about this girl he shouldn’t have reinforced the ‘technically theft’ comment, saying it once was enough.
What he should’ve done is thanked her for the effort of going out to get the breakfast items and putting them together, but that he’d prefer if she asked him before taking anything belonging to him in the future.
At seven months in this is not a brand new relationship. She did something nice for you, without thinking it through fully and ended up being told she’s a thief. No relationship will work if you decide to ‘take your time’ about things when you know someone you are supposed to care about is distressed.
From the way you’ve written this, you don’t seem that bothered about the act itself to me, you just want to be right.” Capturedbk1
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I was on the fence with this one but thought about my own relationship (2.5 years).
I personally always offer to pay half whenever my significant other and I eat out, buy groceries, etc., and most of the time we do split the bill. Even though he’s very giving and always says that he doesn’t mind me using his money, I have never and would never just use his card without saying something to him first.
I’ve never even used it without paying him back either.
It’s still a newer relationship and she definitely should’ve just nudged you awake and asked permission to go out and grab some things first, but I do believe (from your story) that she had good intentions and probably even planned to pay you back.
I really don’t think she thought very deeply about it. And it wasn’t a planned attack on you, so it’s a little too much to call her a thief.
She 100% should’ve considered the fact that not everyone is in a good enough financial position to just drop coins on things they don’t consent to first.
So that was definitely a violation on her part.
The reason I say YTJ too is because you handled it awfully. Like others have pointed out, this could’ve been a great moment for you guys to discuss finances and what you’re both comfortable with.
I think a lot of people are too quick to jump on the worst scenario.
If I were in your situation, I would’ve sat with her for breakfast and said ‘I appreciate you so much for thinking of me and wanting to surprise me with breakfast, and I really don’t want you to be mad, but I’m very serious when it comes to finances and tracking them so in the future if you could ask before you use my card, I would very much appreciate that.
And if there are any boundaries you have, I’d love to hear those as well so I can respect them.’ And if you need the money back or if she asks, then approach that as it fits.
For me, if I really needed that money I’d add something like, ‘I hate to be rude, but I’m not in the best financial position right now and I owe some bills which is why I don’t have a lot of groceries at the moment.
Could you please send me the amount you used? You can take any leftovers for yourself and maybe when I’m in a better place, we can get some groceries together.’
If a person is not rude, entitled, purposefully stealing, etc.
then there’s no need to ruin relationships and jump down their throats for something that can easily be discussed respectfully. You’ll keep some amazing relationships keeping in mind. Now, if she did it again, that’s when I’d get more firm and probably even end it because it broke a boundary that you clearly set.” charcharh7
5. AITJ For Not Letting My Brother Pay Me Back?
“My parents gave my older brother his $30,000 college fund when he turned 18. He dropped out in his first year and started using his college fund to ‘invest’ in ‘high-risk assets’.
He forged college transcripts and faked social media posts to convince us he was still in college – he’d convinced himself he was certain to get rich and we’d forgive him when we realized he’d made the right choice.
My parents gave me my $30,000 college fund when I turned 18. My brother convinced me to take a ‘gap year’ and give him my college fund so he could ‘go to graduate school.’ He gambled that away too.
We found out after he was arrested for theft. He was working at a grocery store, gambled his salary away, and stole from the till to cover his rent.
I refused to forgive him.
He stole my future. I told him once he paid me every cent he stole, with interest, I’d consider forgiving him, but we wouldn’t have a relationship until then. We didn’t speak for years.
He came out of nowhere, showed me a $100k account statement, and offered to pay me back double if I’d forgive him. He bragged one of his ‘investments’ from years ago had paid off, and even though he wanted to re-‘invest’ those ‘earnings’, he had to make amends to me and pay his debt first.
I told him to get lost. I told him every cent of that ‘investment’ came from coins he stole from me and how DARE he try to pay me back for eight years of my life with my own money and if he didn’t earn it honestly I didn’t want a cent of it.
He started twisting things around to make me look like a selfish stubborn jerk for refusing to forgive him and not thinking about all the good his moolah could do for my parents and my family.
And he’s making me feel guilty about it but I’m still too angry to care if he thinks he did the right thing by stealing my future just because it made him rich, screw him.
But I know my parents think he’s made amends and it’s time for us all to forgive and forget, and they feel hurt by having to choose between me and him (and I know they’ll choose him, he was always the favorite even when he was a broke felon wearing an ankle bracelet).
And I know I could take the bucks and just not forgive him, but I’m not willing to do that because it feels dishonest and the moolah feels dirty.
And I know he really does love me and really does want my forgiveness, and I used to love him even though I’ve forgotten what that felt like, so I feel this kind of abstract impersonal shame at not loving him and not wanting to give him a chance if that makes any sense.
Edit: lots of people are telling me ‘NTJ but just take the money, you don’t have to forgive him’. I can’t respond to all of them individually. But no. If I take his moolah on the condition I’ll ‘try’ to forgive him when I don’t have any intention of forgiving him, that would be taking the money on a lie.
He lied to me to take my money and I won’t do the same thing. Also if I take his penny he and my parents will EXPECT me to treat it like he made amends and I don’t want that.
I don’t want to be around him. I don’t want my kids around him. I don’t want to pretend you can lie and steal and hurt your family and everything’s okay as long as you’re rich enough to pay for it.
So no, I WILL NOT TAKE HIS MONEY, and if that makes me the jerk so be it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re never going to get a real apology with him actually feeling bad about what he did.
He’s not capable of it because it’s not who he is. His entire life has been a lie, that’s not going to change. There’s no way I’m going to tell you to even try to forgive him or lie about it.
The money, he absolutely owes it to you, he stole it. Your parents are pressuring you to take it. Draw up a document. Put how much he took, how much interest you want and the total amount owed.
After that state, this is the total your brother’s name owes for stealing my $30,000 college fund. He was my older brother who I loved and he lied and manipulated me to get the funds for my education.
He stole my future. While this pays the monetary debt it will never rebuild the love and trust I had for him that he chose to destroy for money. Make 2 copies, he signs both.
He gets a copy, you get a copy and you take the moolah. Not only will he have truly for once admitted what he did but you will never have to pretend to forgive him.
He refuses, he and your parents NEVER bring it up again. Because then the truth is they all want to keep lying because it’s easier.” MaryAnne0601
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It sounds like your brother had some rough times and made some poor decisions, and now that he’s getting on his feet and actually earning it’s not good enough for paying you back.
It’s been 8 years… if you did nothing with your life after one set back there comes a point where some of the blame falls on you.
It seems more like your bitter that someone you deemed to be bad is now doing okay.” microphoneintheday
Another User Comments:
“Everyons sucks here.
He stinks for gambling your college fund. You stink for not just accepting the money to move forward. It almost seems like OP wants to stay mad at him or something.” Violet_sky21
4. AITJ For Telling My Fiancé She's Not Allowed To Take Out A Loan For Her Brother?
“My fiancé and I are two months away from getting married. I earn considerably more than her or anyone else in her family, by miles. In fact, we pay all our bills, travels, living expenses with my income.
I have a large savings account, which is going towards our wedding (I’m paying all of it), and hopefully a house deposit soon.
She asked me yesterday if I would be able to lend her brother $3000 to fix his car.
Her brother recently bought a house and took out loans to pay for it, so he isn’t able to take out another loan, hence why he came to her. She suggested asking me and says he plans to pay back $125 a month, which would take 2 years to pay back.
I thought it over and said that it was too long of a time to pay back. $3000 makes no difference to me, but I just didn’t want to wait around 2 years to be paid back.
She got mad because I gave my father a $3000 gift for his birthday to help him. She felt like I was only willing to help my family. It’s not true, I’ve done plenty for her family, but the difference is that I’m not going into debt for my family.
I should add that she has 3 other siblings and an aunt that owns a pet store. All of which are unable to help or have said no to taking out this loan for him.
She then tells me she will take out a loan in the bank under her name to help him. I told her I disagreed, and that she was not allowed to.
This obviously made her very annoyed, because she can’t stand seeing her family in need – especially when he needs the car to provide for his family. I feel her brother put himself in that situation by being a terrible financial manager.
And if the rest of her family isn’t willing to help, why should we? Her debts will be my debts in two months, and I’ll be paying for it if he can’t because she doesn’t make enough to cover it.
I took a stance and now she feels like I’m a jerk, because I have the money but I’m not willing to lend or let her do it.
Am I really the jerk in this situation?
I feel like this is important enough to me that if she goes ahead with the loan I will call the wedding off because it shows she had no respect for my opinion or our decision as a couple.
If she tells her brother we aren’t gonna be able to help, I’ll let a week go by then I’ll give him the money. Is it pretty jerkish to test her loyalty this way? AITJ?
————— UPDATE:
Let me begin by saying that I posted the above while in the heat of the moment.
I explained some things badly and said things (like calling off the wedding) which I would never do. In the end, I accepted that I am a jerk for the things I said, but not because of my decision.
My fiancé returned home and we talked about the situation over dinner. I told her that I wasn’t willing to lend her brother, but that she was free to find other ways to help him.
I still reinforced my disliking of her taking a loan out for him, but understood if she decided to do so. She cried but understood. In no way did I intend to come across as someone who is controlling my fiancé, but at the moment, I got annoyed because it felt like she was gonna take out a loan that I would still be responsible for.
So in a sense, I felt like I was being cornered. But you guys are right, she’s a free woman, and the loans she makes before marriage are her own.
I’m not sure what she will do, but I have decided to not go forward with giving her brother the money either way.
Here’s why: I’m a recovering people-pleaser. I hate being in an uncomfortable situation, so I tend to forego my wishes to make other people happy. But I’ve been doing a lot of therapy and learning to stand up for myself and stick to my decisions even if it makes others mad, sad, uncomfortable.
I’ve helped her family plenty in the past (I posted a comment with some of those things), so in no way am I rejecting to help her family. However, I am also setting up boundaries.
I do not want to be my family or her family’s bank or source of money borrowing. In the end, the money is mine, and whether or not it makes a difference in my pocket doesn’t change the fact that I do not want to lend it.
She respects my decision and I’ll respect hers.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for many reasons. 1) You have the money, you say yourself that 3000$ is nothing to you, so if you can help your family, why not help your fiance’s family if it matters so much to her? This car will help him provide for his family, and it would not be a gift, it would only be a loan.
2) you told her she is not allowed to take a loan to help her family, what? Who do you think you are to tell an adult woman what she can do with her own money? This is clearly about control.
She is not allowed to do something that you don’t want her to.
3) you are hypocritical. You are saying that if she takes a loan to help her family, it means ‘she has no respect for (your) opinion’.
What about YOUR respect for her opinion? Respect only matters to you if it’s towards you and not towards her.
4) The way you talk about them is condescending: ‘I feel her brother put himself in that situation by being a terrible financial manager.’ Being rich doesn’t make you superior to them, but you seem to feel ‘wiser’ for some reason…
5) You admit it yourself, you want to ‘test’ her. You’ll give her the moolah, only if she does what you want her to do. So it has nothing to do with money.
You are manipulative & controlling af. So yes, YTJ, a big one. I really hope you’ll call off the wedding, for her own sake. She deserves better than being with a controlling, manipulative guy.” pandabulle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You give him money (and it will turn into a gift; let’s not kid ourselves) and you will become her family’s ATM till death do you part and probably after. You might well be ‘loaning’ to each and every one of them.
I mean, the brother’s finances are so messed up that he does not even have $3000 of free space on his credit card. That’s very bad. Money is a really tricky thing for a family to negotiate.
I’d be incredibly uncomfortable loaning to any of my fiancé’s family. And to be honest, I’d think twice about marrying into a family that even hinted that I could pick up their tab.
I’m not crazy about the way you phrased this (allow her?) but I understand — her debts are your debts. What no one should be ‘allowed’ to do is offer up their fiancé s bank account.” ellensundies
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You are using your money as you wish. You guys are not even married and she already feels entitled to it. Honestly, considering her approach, if you guys get married they will always keep asking you for money.
But then, the same way she cannot tell you how to use your funds, you cannot tell her how to use hers. So taking a loan is her business really, you got no say on it.
The test thing is quite jerk, honestly. If you dislike her approach, just dump her now, no tests.” tatasz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Few things here:
her first option of asking you for the money instead of using her own means (i.e.
bank loan) as well as what’s mentioned in the first part indicates that she isn’t exactly financially dependent. Which means:
She shouldn’t be making decisions to help HER family with YOUR money.
As a couple, she should be protecting your marital assets instead of using them to support HER family.
Her comparing her family to your dad (3k gift) is a jerk guilt trip move.
How much you give to the person who raised you up with the money you made is irrelevant to the story realize that and insists on doing things her way? In the second scenario, your decision to call off the marriage might be appropriate.
What she should have done here would be:
To not commit to lending him.
To communicate with OP on why she thinks she should help him and more importantly, how she will prevent this from repeating itself.
To understand that his contribution to the household refers to just the 2 of them (and future children). If she wants to play the nice person, do it with her own money.
Your reaction esp on the loyalty test part isn’t unwarranted or jerk-like, but it could have been put across better. It’s important to put your foot down and say no means no, but you should explain the impact of the loan and the wedding to her better.
And backtracking (saying no and subsequently lending him) is a very bad idea. It shows weakness and opens you up to future exploitation.
To the commenters who call this financial abuse… What are y’all thinking? She has her own income (which doesn’t significantly go into shared expenses) and wants to calls the shots with HIS money.
If anything she’s the one financially abusing him. Sounds like what y’all think is that if the man does not provide full access to his resources he’s a jerk. That thing sounds super entitled.
Edit: the 3k being insignificant to you is irrelevant to the decision you make and communicate to her. If anything it highlights the significant difference between your earning capabilities (her being unable to pay 3k out of pocket for her own family’s needs vs 3k being nothing to you), and that’s a sign you should be calling the shots on finance-related matters.
P.s. didn’t see any mention of her being unable to work( disabled/ill) or tied up by other commitments (e.g. being a SAHM/taking care of parents etc.) that indicates her inability to commit to a job or earn. If that was the case then things would play out differently. But for her to act like this even before she would have such commitments… That’s pretty ridiculous.” pipie9001
3. AITJ For Not Buying My Older Brother A Christmas Gift?
“My older brother has a habit of driving under the influence; a few months ago he was driving home under the influence when he popped a tire on his car. My mom thinks maybe he hit a curb but he swore it spontaneously popped despite it being a brand new tire (he claimed it must have been defective).
He called her from the side of the road and wanted her to come to pick him up. My mom is elderly and has a hard time seeing at night, so she tried to call me, but I was driving in an area without reception and didn’t get her call.
When I arrived home she asked me to go pick him up after telling me about how he was slurring and kept repeating himself, so she knew he was wasted. I had been working overtime (and I work manual labor).
I was sore, dirty, and tired, so I said I would prefer not to, especially because he had just received $2K for relief, so I suggested telling him to call an Uber.
Also, for additional context as to why I didn’t want to go get him was because we live up a mountain, so I would’ve needed to drive 40 mins down the mountain and then 40 mins back up, and it was already very late and I had work the next day.
Well, that really annoyed him and he spent the next few hours spam calling my mom to rant and rave about what a horrible and selfish jerk I am. My mom (inappropriately) kept bringing me the phone so I could hear everything he was saying about me.
Well, now we come to today. I was driving home and entered an intersection (my light was green), and somebody ran a red, so I t-boned them and totaled the front of my car.
I called my mom to ask for a ride home because I am at the end of my paycheck and I’ve had a lot of vet bills for my dog recently, so I couldn’t afford an Uber.
She asked my older brother to go with me to drive because it was getting dark, and I guess he refused because I didn’t help him out last time when he needed a ride (even though I didn’t actually ask him to drive, my mom did).
When we got home I went into my room and my older brother came out and started talking trash about how he’ll never help me with anything ever again. He didn’t know I could hear him through the walls.
He also doesn’t know he was assigned to me for our extended family’s Secret Santa this year. I kind of feel like I don’t want to buy him a present because he’s being such an idiot about the whole thing.
Some acquaintances on Discord think I would be stooping to his level, but my IRL friends think there’s a difference between making a wasted driver with $2K get an Uber and picking up somebody who was in a collision and slightly injured.
What do you guys think?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I am going to focus on the question you asked – would you be the jerk if you didn’t give someone a gift after drawing them in a secret Santa exchange.
Yes – by participating you agree that you will get a gift for the person you draw. If you which on that commitment you would be the jerk. Not only that but you would be starting drama at what is supposed to be a celebration.
What you can do is ask if someone would trade you buying a gift for your brother for someone else.
Yes, your brother is wrong for driving under the influence. He is way too upset about the fact you wouldn’t pick him up.
However, when you refuse to do a favor for someone there is a very good chance they won’t do favors for you either.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your brother sounds like a jerk and honestly, there’s no excusing driving irresponsibly.
Can you switch names with someone else in the family for your mom’s sake? Sounds like she is going to keep being stuck in the middle of this and you don’t want to unnecessarily hurt her in the process of trying to hurt your brother.” looklikemonsters
2. AITJ For Being Upset My Waitress Called My Actual ID Fake?
“So I (25F) recently moved to CA. I went to dinner tonight with my fiancé in the mall after Christmas shopping for a few hours. We ordered drinks and I gave her my AZ ID card.
Now, AZ ID cards are weird because they have no expiration date. I want to note I do have an AZ license but it’s currently packed in my carry-on for our flight early tomorrow.
After ordering a drink I realize I don’t have my AZ license so I gave her my AZ ID card that was still in my wallet (given to me by the MVD after the age of 21)
After about 30 seconds of looking over it, she says ‘Ummm I don’t see an expiration date’ and I was like oh yeah AZ ID cards don’t have an expiration date.
She laughed at me loudly and said ‘hahaha Ummm yeah… they actually do.’ I didn’t really know what to say, this was issued to me by the Arizona MVD so I know for a fact they don’t.
We go back and forth like this for a while and I offer to Google it for her. She looks over it again and says ‘oh is this one of those real IDs?’ I just said yeah because I didn’t know what she was talking about at the time although looking back on it I know what she meant by the IDs required in 2023 for travel.
Then she says ‘Ummm okay whatever it’s fine.’ I end up getting my drink but at this point, everyone was staring over and I was really embarrassed as everyone is looking over.
Fast forward to the end of the night my fiancé tips her 25%. I am a little upset because she was so rude towards the beginning and he’s like ‘eh it’s whatever’ but IDK, I feel like it was really disrespectful.
It’s one thing if you think it’s a fake and you want to get your manager because your job is on the line but to be so snide as to be like ‘umm I actually know more about your home state’s motor vehicle department than you and I’m going to laugh at you’ was just a jerk move.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyons sucks here – I worked as a gas station attendant for 3 years and the only training I got for reading IDs was a calendar on the counter that said before today’s date in this year no tobacco, I’d imagine most servers probably got the same lack of training I did reading out of state ID’s, military ID’s, Passports, etc.
I’m sorry you probably got denied service but servers and cashiers don’t get anything for training, the server sucks through no fault of their own.” LettuceCapital546
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It does seem like she acted rude/condescending about it but at least she gave you the drink and I think it’s still right to tip her (although 25% seems high unless it was over-the-top exquisite service).
California has a weird thing where they issue horizontal and vertical oriented licenses for some reason, and my brother was outright denied any drinks even though his license was completely valid because it wasn’t in the right orientation that one restaurant accepted.
I about lost my mind over that one lol.” lotiloo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Quite often places will not accept state licenses or ID cards because of the threat to their beverage license if it is fake.
It is the staff’s duty to make sure the establishment doesn’t lose its beverage license. Expecting someone to know each and every out-of-state type of ID/license without doubt, especially since new ones are coming out is a little ridiculous on your part.
She was doing what she had to do. Lots just would not have served you at all. You and your out-of-state ID were the problems and she deserved the tip.” holisarcasm
1. AITJ For Demanding My Parents To Spend The Same Amount Of Money They Spend On My Autistic Brother?
“I (M16) have an autistic brother M14 with lots of medical needs. We don’t have a close relationship because of his behavior in general and my parents who both work high-paying jobs have been focusing all their attention on him which is sorta fine with me btw.
Here’s the problem. My parents were doing some calculating and looking at what they spend on my brother yearly which was a lot but they decided to increase their ‘budget’ for him by dedicating about $400 A MONTH! to my brother.
The thing is my allowance is barely $100 a month. I found out and blew up at my parents and asked for equality and to either split the amount between me and my brother or make my allowance the same as him but they told me off explaining that my brother has medical needs and requires doctor appointments and medication while I’m perfectly healthy.
I pointed out how unfair they have been and how they were obviously playing favorites and causing me to resent my brother and driving a wedge between them here but their argument that I should not hate my brother since the fund goes to medication and whatnot and not clothes and toys.
After further arguing my dad called me an overprivileged, spoiled brat who had no right to ‘demand’ anything from them and that I should consider myself lucky I still get a $100 allowance when I’m perfectly capable to work if I don’t like it so much.
I’m now indefinitely grounded for ‘demanding’ to be treated equally to my brother and pointing out their favoritism.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ here dude. The inequality here depends on your perspective – on the one hand, you both deserve to have 100% of your needs met.
That’s equal, right? But if one of you has more needs, then meeting them will require a bigger investment of time and finances. That’s not equal, but it is equitable.
There’s a great comic illustrating the difference between these – three guys are standing behind a fence, trying to see over it to watch a football match or something.
The tallest guy can see fine, but the other two are too short to see over the fence. Now equality says you give all three of them identical boxes to stand on.
Now two of the guys can see over, but the shortest one still can’t. So, what’s ‘fair’ here? The answer is each guy gets a big enough box for him – the shortest guy gets the biggest box, and the tallest gets no box at all.
That’s not equal, so could be seen as ‘unfair’ from that perspective, but it does mean that everyone is now having their needs met.” Venetrix2
Another User Comments:
“What I see here is a child screaming out for attention because his parents are spending so much time and energy on his younger brother that he feels neglected.
Sixteen is hard enough without a special-needs sibling and over-stressed parents who are trying so hard to make life a tiny bit better for that sibling. The way the parents reacted makes me think they feel guilty about their younger son and that OP should be grateful for being neurotypical.
Unfortunately for all, if all of the efforts have been poured into the younger child and the older has not been taught to be empathetic, this is not going to end well.
A perceived lack of parental love can cause irreparable damage to the family.
Everyons sucks here because OP’s explosion did not come out of the blue. Yes, the parents are stressed, but they have to remember they have two children.” ScarletteMayWest
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
They aren’t giving him the money. They’re using it for medical needs.
That said, is it really about the money? Resentment is common among the siblings of disabled children due to the increased time and attention spent on their siblings.
In some cases, this can happen even when parents allocate time reasonably, but in other cases, it’s because parents frankly ignore the nondisabled child. Obviously, these are two ends of a continuum.
Is it about money, or is it more about the time your parents spend with you?
I won’t call you a spoiled brat, since plenty of other people have already done it.
I don’t think your concerns and feelings are without merit, though your way of expressing them was.
Resentment is real and needs to be addressed, for your sake and the sake of everyone in your family.
Speaking as someone who was a disabled child who needed far more attention, it’s not a good dynamic for anyone. I didn’t like it, my sister grew resentful of me and we had basically no relationship for years (things are luckily much better now), and my parents were burnt out.
There’s a problem here, but it’s not financial. I’d suggest reflecting on whether or not your emotional needs are being met because it sounds like they aren’t. Your parents would probably be more receptive to hearing about what you actually need in a calm and reasoned discussion, rather than a demand for money.” Hexomin
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Everyone’s been jumping down your throat so no need to elaborate on that part, but it also sounds like your parents have been neglecting you to some extent. While it’s perfectly understandable that a special needs child will require an oversize amount of money and attention, your parents also need to make sure that you’re not being pushed to the side and ignored.
I have a feeling that your outburst is more about venting frustrations that you can’t fully articulate at the moment. When you’re in a good state of mind, spend some time thinking about the situation and see if you can pinpoint exactly what it is that sets you off.” Absolut_Iceland
And if your problem is really more that you don’t think you get enough attention from your parents, then talk to them about that rather than trying to squeeze them for money.
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