People Are Interested To Know Our Opinions Of Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Wanting My Dad To Give Me A Straight Answer?
“I live in a different state than my whole family. My father used to live in the state as well but he had a stroke/seizures due to an unknown tumor while on vacation and he ended up living with my sisters in California while he recovered.
That was two years ago, he’s finally been cleared and wants to move back, he lost his apartment and job in the process of being over there.
I live with my significant other, 2 cats, and a big dog in a tiny 2-bedroom apartment. My pets ‘have their own room’ and always have, I keep their food, cat trees, kennels, litter boxes, and extra storage in there.
At night I keep them in there as well so they don’t eat things they shouldn’t or get into fights without my knowledge.
As mentioned my father wants to move back. He has nowhere to live and no car. He has been hinting/guilting me into letting him stay with us versus with his brother and uncle who also live in the state.
I don’t want my father to stay with us since I work from home and we always butt heads. Yesterday, I finally decided that it wouldn’t be the end of the world to help my dad get onto his feet again and I could move some things around to let my dad have the spare bedroom along with my cats.
I talk with my significant other and he was hesitant about it as well but ultimately agrees/supported whatever my decision was/is.
I FaceTime my dad immediately after discussing with my s/o and bring up the conversation. I ask him when he expected to come into town since he keeps giving me arbitrary dates.
He keeps going from tomorrow to three months from now. (Last time he visited, he told me he was coming into town a few hours prior to arriving at midnight with no ride to get him, I had to wake up and go pick him up.) I work full time, working on my bachelor’s, doing a Bootcamp, along with some prerequisite work at a college.
I’m also doing finals atm. So it would be nice to know when to expect him.
During the conversation, I told my dad he was welcome to stay with us in the spare bedroom just to let me know when he expects to head over. He gets super agitated and annoyed with me asking.
He starts hurling remarks to not worry about it, that he’s done it on his own before and that it doesn’t matter what day he’s coming since for all he knows he’s going to pass away in a few days. He continues rambling pretty much the same things over and over during our conversation.
Mostly how he’s going to pass away soon and how we don’t need to worry about his situation. I ask what is his problem that I just want a date. I’m silent toward the end of the conversation holding back tears. I finally burst into tears and end the call.
My sisters and dad apparently texted me while I was sobbing to my significant other about the situation. Finally reading them, both mentioned letting him figure things out. My dad went on to pretend like nothing happened.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you dodged a bullet. It’s hard to tell from your description alone, but your father’s behavior sounds like it’s impaired, perhaps from his stroke, perhaps by Alzheimer’s.
Taking care of an elderly person with mood-regulation issues absolutely would not fit into the life you describe. In fact, it would ruin it. Don’t do it, OP. It sounds like your father needs some kind of psych eval to see what’s really going on here.” TheMidnightHandyman
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I guess let him figure it out.
If he can’t give you a date and time I wouldn’t get all crazy and move your animals out of the spare room, let him live with the crazy that can be animals stuffed in a room at night. You do you and good luck.
He is probably agitated that he has to share a room with pets and is trying to find another accommodation without telling you he isn’t happy with what you have offered. He needs to man up and communicate better.” carprill
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this behavior sounds so familiar because my dad used to pull this crap on me until I started calling him out for it.
I would straight up tell him that he was trying to make me feel guilty for not doing everything on his terms, that it was manipulative, and that I was not okay with it. After a few times, he learned that behavior wasn’t going to work with me.
I would seriously reconsider letting him move in if I were you.” Butsrslythough
21. AITJ For Kicking My Parents Out Of My House?
“I have a freelance job. I also work with OnlyFans and escort (which is my biggest source of income). Don’t worry, I won’t say anything NSFW, my audience is very specific and they are not for that. And I’m not American.
After 3 years of working like this, I bought a 3bd/2ba house with my own effort and it’s great for me as I’m single and I don’t have kids.
My parents, after several irresponsible and financially dumb decisions, were no longer able to pay the rent on the house they lived in.
My parents and I aren’t close, as they disagreed and were very judgmental about my life decisions, as were my brothers. But I welcomed them into my home until they were able to stabilize since my brothers couldn’t take them in them because they didn’t have space.
They’ve been living with me for 3 months. My work is inside my office and it has always been said that no one could enter that place, even to clean.
My brothers came to visit us on Wednesday and started talking.
In one of the conversations that were taking place, my brother talked about facing financial difficulties and my mother said the following sentence.
‘Oh, do like your sister, take naughty pictures and post them on the internet, she got a house because she’s pretty. You’re pretty too, maybe you can,’ and laughed.
She also started to say that she was afraid of my office, as it was frighteningly creepy.
I asked how she knew what my office was like and she said she peeked in after seeing I accidentally left the door unlocked one day.
After this, my parents made some salty comments and I, angry, said in a not too serious tone ‘Oh, at least I don’t live at my kids’ house.’
My parents were embarrassed and I confirmed it again, seriously this time ‘I’m serious, the door is open for you to leave’.
Dinner is obviously over and again when my brothers were leaving, I with the door open still asked if my parents weren’t leaving too.
My parents packed their things and went to a hotel.
They sent a message saying that I shouldn’t be so sensitive with comments about my work and that I shouldn’t be surprised that people think so.
And that I had overreacted by kicking them out of my house for silly comments. My whole family is on their side and at the very least I should help pay for the hotel they are staying in because they are there because of me.
I don’t know if I overreacted and went too far, but I won’t tolerate being disrespected.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Screw what other people might say about how you reacted cause they’re your parents.
If they’re happy to move in with you in a house you funded with your earnings then they should respect you in your home.
People might say ‘well if you’re on OnlyFans and an escort then you should take this stuff on a chin’.
No, you don’t. It’s a job. Escorting doesn’t always result in nasty stuff and OnlyFans is a voyeuristic venture and the people who pay for those things know exactly what they’re paying for.
If there wasn’t a demand, you wouldn’t have gotten enough funds to buy your own house.
Take the fact that they’re your parents out of it. If it was a partner or a friend it would still be unacceptable. You don’t owe them the money for their hotel room.
This is exactly a situation of people biting the hand that feeds them and in this case, thinking it’s fine cause they’re your parents/family.” sarusagi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were kind enough to let your parents live with you when they needed help. Literally, the least they could do is keep their mouth shut about your career.
Basically: your parents can show a little gratitude for the kindness you showed them!
Considering their lack of manners, I do not blame you for kicking them out. After all, you are the more financially responsible of the group of you.
And, let’s face it, ‘you shouldn’t be so sensitive’ is the mating call of the jerk when they get called on being a jerk.
In the end, you are right: you should not tolerate being disrespected!” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“People are so weird. It’s one thing to disagree with something that someone does, we are all entitled to our own opinions, but I can’t imagine myself freeloading in someone’s house and then speaking poorly about what they did to earn said house…
in fact, I can’t imagine myself freeloading in someone’s house and speaking poorly about them at all? Who do your parents think they are, and on what high ground do they think they’re speaking? Also, if they don’t ‘agree’ with what you do, they can have a conversation with you about it like adults (or mind their own business like adults…). Making fun of you and putting you down for it is an unacceptable way to treat their kid, regardless of whether they’re living in your house or not. NTJ obviously.” thelittlestdog23
20. AITJ For Lowering My Daughter's Expectations Regarding Relationships?
“My daughter (15F) finally asked her crush out, and she is so happy, I met him before and he is an awesome guy. I’m pretty sure they will treat each other well, and I’m not worried about them going out because she is doing excellent in school, both of them do.
However, she was very excited and kinda over the top, and I felt like I was setting her up for a broken heart. I had a talk with her and told her that I’m glad that she’s happy, but it’s super unlikely that they will end up together.
My husband had 4 relationships before me, and I had 3 relationships before him.
School sweethearts don’t stay, they never stay, I told her to only treat this relationship as an experiment and nothing more or else she will be very disappointed, she ought to take some experience from it and that’s it.
She then got upset by this and accused me of ruining her happiness, she doesn’t talk to me anymore and my husband told me that although what I said might be true, I shouldn’t have done that because it crushed her excitement.
I just don’t want her to be so disappointed and upset that this boy is not gonna be her husband like she is expecting, teenage relationships never last.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Yes, we adults know high school sweethearts probably don’t last. High schoolers usually haven’t been given that pessimism yet. They are young, they still have growing up to do. Maybe they grow into adults together, maybe they grow apart. Who cares?
The reason you are the jerk is you threw pessimism into her first relationship at the start.
You didn’t just let her be happy and instead reminded her that this was going to end in a breakup and that she should just get the ‘experience’ from this while it lasts FROM THE START. You equivocated something she was excited about to something trivial.
That is a very cold-hearted thing to remind someone at the start of their first relationship, even if it is likely to be true.
That is not the conversation you have at the beginning. Let her be happy and enjoy her first relationship. When things get tough, talk to her about how relationships take work.
When (and if, I know a few high school sweethearts still going strong in their late 30s) their relationship starts to fail, THAT is when you have this conversation. RETROSPECTIVE experience.
Having this conversation when it starts, just puts a shadow on this relationship. Now when she is with this person, she could easily keep thinking about how it’s just temporary and I guarantee that causes the relationship to be shorter than it would have been if you hadn’t injected that thought into it.” 12th_companion
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Let her have her moment. Maybe they will last. Maybe they won’t. Maybe she will realize in a few months that she doesn’t like him anymore. Maybe he will break her heart. But she will learn and grow from all of these things. Like every 17-year-old, I thought I would marry my high school sweetheart.
By the time we broke up a year or two later, I realized a whole list of things I wanted in my future husband that he just couldn’t offer. The following year I met a great guy and I was able to think about what I learned in my last relationship — this guy had the things the last guy was missing.
Anyways I’ve been with the ‘new’ guy for 9 years and married for 6. Don’t ruin her joy. Save what you said to her should they break up. She is young and of course immature. But that’s okay. She needs to grow some of this wisdom on her own from trial and error.” classycatblogger
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Let her enjoy herself. Nothing is for certain, and you don’t stop heartbreak by trying to break a heart ahead of time. Either they last forever or they don’t, and if they don’t it would have been nice if she had her mom to comfort her.
Apologize and be honest. Tell her you love her and have a hard time seeing her hurt. Tell her that you know she’s growing up and that’s scary for you because it means you can’t always protect her, but that you also know she’s able to make good choices and take care of herself.
Tell her what you like about her partner and what you like about them together. Tell her how they are always happy.
Tell her you love her and are proud of her, and that you’ll work on your nerves. That it’s a you-problem that doesn’t have to do with her and you’ll be better.
Invite the guy over for dinner or make another gesture.
I know one couple my age that was high school sweethearts. I have multiple family members who were. It’s more than possible, but that doesn’t even matter. What matters is your daughter gets to decide who she goes out with and for how long. She gets to enjoy the possibilities. If you celebrate that joy with her she’s more likely to turn to you when things get harder.” EmpressJainaSolo
19. WIBTJ If I Don't Attend My Cousin's Wedding?
“I live in Victoria in Australia. My (23F) younger sister (19F) has been at home for her last 2 birthdays (18 & 19) and this year it seems like she’s on track to be able to FINALLY have the 18th (/19th/20th) she’s had to postpone since 2020 (after watching me have my 21st last year after it being delayed).
Now we have cousins that live in another state that we really don’t keep in contact with, for the most part, we caught up with them in January when we were visiting our other cousins but apart from that, it’s polite birthday messages & honestly that’s about it.
One of our cousins is getting married and just recently confirmed their wedding date, which is the same day as my sister’s 20th.
If we attended this wedding, we would have to spend a lot on flights, accommodation & every other related travel expense (food, etc), which we’ve already had to do twice within the last few months (we were bridesmaids in our other cousin’s wedding which got canceled after we had traveled and then rescheduled) & both times we’ve gone interstate we’ve been stuck isolating.
These factors are already fairly significant deterrents but we were willing to go anyway until they announced the date. My sister is flat out refusing to go because she doesn’t want to spend her first ‘real’ birthday in the past years, away from home and celebrating with cousins she doesn’t know very well.
I’m happy to do whatever she wants to do as it’s her birthday, but I do feel like a bit of a jerk if the only reason we don’t go is because it’s her birthday.
So, would I (/we) be the jerk if we didn’t travel to & attend our cousin’s wedding?
(Extra context – they know now it’s her birthday but I don’t think they did at the time and apparently, it’s the only day their pastor is free all year.)”
Another User Comments:
“Wait, you were already burned twice as bridesmaids in another cousin’s wedding? LOL! Of course, you’re NTJ for not traveling at your own expense for the wedding of a cousin you barely knew.
If they had offered to cover at least some of your expenses that would be one thing. I’d say don’t worry. From your description, it seems like a meaningless gesture to attend.” andykatz
Another User Comments:
“If the cousins aren’t close enough to even know your sister’s birthday, I doubt they’ll miss you two.
A wedding invitation isn’t a summons. If you can’t or don’t want to attend, then don’t. You don’t have to provide a valid excuse. Send a nice gift and your best wishes.
No jerks here.” SamSpayedPI
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Victorian here, too. Absolutely NTJ. Send a card, send a present, and let them know they have picked the one day that you are already committed, and with the number of restrictions we have had over the last two years you are not going to reschedule/delay yet ANOTHER birthday celebration.
I’m sure they will still have a fantastic time without you.” Aussiealterego
18. AITJ For Not Helping My Friends Plan An Event?
“I (16F) am a member of my school’s SGA (student government). It’s a really small school so the staff and students are close. My friend, L came up to me this morning asking if I could plan out an end-of-the-year ‘spirit week’ for the sophomore class.
I agreed, under the pretense that it was going to be something we could all work on slowly. They requested that I make it creative and fun, so that is what I did.
I created the list, with days like ‘music festival’, and ‘Y2K Celebrity’ day.
I sent the list to a group chat with L and my other friends, joking around and expecting a few different questions and critiques. Almost immediately, I get messages back that my ideas are stupid and not fun, and that no one would ever want to participate in them.
This hasn’t been the first time I’ve had this happen. For this entire school year, I’ve had many of my friends come to me asking for events and fundraisers, that the SGA really liked and wanted to do. But they would ask me to do all the work.
When I presented the ideas, they would always be torn down, with no solutions offered as a replacement. I feel crazy because SGA is a team effort.
So back to the matter at hand. After they berated me and my ideas, they suggested days like ‘Adam Sandler’ day and ‘Despicable Me’ day.
My friends, E and O were appalled by what my friends were saying to me and were surprised by their suggestions. Personally, I could care less. I’m just mad they made me sacrifice my spare time to put work into something they clearly didn’t actually want.
They want to make a joke out of something I take very seriously, I value my school and academics.
So I told them, that’s fine, it’s not my problem though. They reach out to the other members of SGA, and they text me asking for me to plan it again, and want me to be the middle man.
I told them absolutely not. I’m not attending the meetings regarding this, and I’m not running for SGA next year. I was tired of being treated like a scapegoat. They called me a jerk and controlling, and that I should just do it to make it ‘easier’ on the rest of them (so student government and my friend group).
I know that they’re annoyed at me, and I feel like maybe I should have just sucked it up because it’s not that big of a deal. And besides, they’ve never done this before and I have experience with it. E is really mad at them though and thinks they’re in the wrong.
For reference, I am vice president, and because I’m always the one asked for student events I become the bad guy when they don’t happen. I don’t even think I would get reelected next year because the person I originally campaigned with has booted me and wants someone else as their vice president.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s unfair that they give you work and then waste your time by saying it’s bad. If they want it done a certain way then they need to do it.” clownndream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You sacrificed your own time and effort into doing what your friends asked you to do. Your friends don’t even appreciate that. Don’t run for it next year and focus on doing things for yourself.” Lunar_mel
17. AITJ For Speaking My Opinion About My Hair?
“This started when my Mom woke me up to pack because we’re going on a vacation. While I’m putting clothes in bags, my Mom was curious to see my hairstyle because my sister-in-law did it recently (my hair was in a bonnet). I took the bonnet off and she didn’t seem pleased with how it looked.
She asked ‘what happened to your other hairstyle I liked it better that way.’ I continued the conversation by saying ‘well… I like it.’ She took this as disrespect and how I’m dismissing her opinion, she argued on about how I’m 16 and too young to form an opinion, and it doesn’t matter what opinion, it’s what ‘she likes on me that matters.’ I got really annoyed.
My dad was also in the room while I said I liked my hair. After my Dad left the room she said ‘listen here, witch’—Additionally said I was trying to ‘show out’ for my dad because he always has my back in situations. This year has been a rocky relationship with my Mom and Dad, sometimes I end up being in the middle of it unintentionally, he defends me and she takes this as an offense.
I was really confused..later on, in the conversation, I tried explaining to her how I’m not trying to be disrespectful, I’m not trying to cause drama between her and my Dad, but she didn’t buy it though.
Maybe I shouldn’t have commented on my hair, should I have just left my opinion alone? Is it disrespectful to say an opinion that goes against hers? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Even 4yo have opinions on how they like their hair.
Might not be ‘good’ opinions, but why not let them as long as they’re reasonable?
Teenagers do a lot of things style-wise that one might not look too fondly about in the future, but there’s no harm in letting them do what they want.
This isn’t about doing something you’ll regret, it’s about her wanting control over you.
If you’re not old enough to have opinions at 16, you’ll be ‘too inexperienced’ when choosing a career; not ‘know as much’ as she does if you get children; and when you’re at her age now you’ll not live long enough.
NTJ” haveitgood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re not too young to form an opinion, please understand that.
If you like your hair a certain way, because it makes YOU feel comfortable and makes YOU feel confident, then that’s all that matters. It’s not what she likes on you, it’s what YOU like on you.
Her beef with your dad is a problem between him and her.
I’m sorry that she’s putting you in the middle and taking her frustrations out on you. It’s hard being a kid when authority figures loom over you. Stay strong and stay level-headed with her.
I’m sure your hair looked beautiful how you had it.” macdaddyelite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have a feeling that if you had said nothing, then your mother would have tried to get you to change it to her liking somehow, and completely ignored and invalidated your opinions on your own hair. Plus, you’re the one who has to wear it, not her.
If she doesn’t like it, too bad. She needs to keep her opinion to herself. And she also needs to stop calling you names because she’s jealous of you and your dad’s relationship, or for whatever reason. That is inexcusable, to call your own daughter a witch. Keep your hairstyle how you like. But watch out for your mom. Lock your bedroom door when you go to sleep if you’re able to.” MissKitty919
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Become A Computer Engineer?
“I am currently hoping on becoming a psychologist as it sounds like a cool job. So lately I’ve been studying a lot of medical stuff (e.g. the brain structure, muscle structure, how the brain function, and also have been checking out the behavior of people with specific mental illnesses and mental disorders).
My father asked me yesterday what I am hoping to become when I grow up and I of course explained that I want to be a psychologist and that I have already been studying a lot about it. He was not thrilled, he said that he was hoping that I would become a computer technician/engineer as he is one and it pays a lot.
I told him that I don’t really enjoy doing that and that even if I don’t become a psychologist and change my mind about what job I want to have I could still try to go to another medical field as I am studying much more than just the brain activity and that I have a lot of time to think about it.
He started complaining about how that is a stupid decision as it’s really hard and does not pay well and that I am just wasting my time. I told him that studying all the stuff to get the same job as him I would have to study the same amount of time and that jobs in the medical field are currently needed, and that psychology will always be a needed job.
After an hour or so of arguing he told me that he is really disappointed in me and really hopes that I will change my mind.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your career is something you will have to live with every day so make sure it’s something you at least enjoy parts of.
That being said I recommend trying to talk to people in whatever field you choose that work the job every day. I know a lot of people that enjoyed the college courses or training for a career but hate the job.
Psychology specifically can be a very draining career and takes a while to reach higher levels of pay usually requiring to be a private practice to make the big bucks in the US.
I also know people who got engineering degrees and then realized they hate office life. Getting an internship while you study would help to make sure it’s a choice you want to stay with.” Kriegz1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but there are different fields within psychology and some do pay higher than others, and within the time you could actually earn more than other professions, e.g.
someone I know who works as a ward manager for a rehab hospital in Mental Health earns similar to someone that was a consultant psychiatrist at the same place (both of which are paid significantly higher than an NHS band 6 nurses within Mental Health).
But honestly do something you enjoy! Don’t let others including parents dictate what you should study. Is there a chance you might not earn as much in the beginning – potentially, however like I said above you could be earning way more in the long term!” Rubilly91
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if you are not interested in computers don’t go near them.
It’s a very boring thing and also very hard. You won’t be able to pass if you don’t have an interest. And you won’t stick with it after. Stick to your decision, psychologists are usually paid well and are just as important. Plus as you said you can always go into another medical area.” emperorduffman
15. AITJ For Not Helping My Partner With Her Rover Appointments?
“I 29m work as a vet tech at a hospital that offers boarding. I take care of other people’s animals all day every day and when I’m done I want to leave work. My partner 26f recently started accepting Rover appointments despite being a full-time student and working on several school-related projects in the evenings.
We do not live together and I travel a couple of hours to see her when I have a few days off in a row. I do help out a little with the Rover appointments, I feed them when she can’t make it back and I’ve had to clean up some messes.
I understand that I make her happy doing this but I just don’t want to be a part of it. I don’t mind helping occasionally but her family has already started ‘taking bets’ on if I’d be helping with appointments. My partner is very appreciative that I do help but like I said I just don’t want to be the one handling it.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are already working and have your own responsibilities. While it’s nice you have helped her it’s simply not fair and your partner is taking advantage of your generosity. Your partner should not be taking Rover appointments if she doesn’t have the time to make that commitment.
You need to let her know you don’t want to do that and she needs to adjust her schedule to handle it vs you. If she can’t adjust don’t take the appointments. She is not being respectful of your time.” DeepFudge9235
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She needs to learn to schedule better.
I can understand needing help once in a while, but it sounds like she counts on you to pick up the slack without being paid. You’re entitled to spend your free time on your own activities.” TemptingPenguin369
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a pet owner, I would be very upset if the person I contracted with sent someone else. Check her agreement with Rover. She could be violating the contract because although you are qualified, you are not the verified sitter.” PleaseCoffeeMe
14. AITJ For Being Unhappy In My Relationship?
“I (23f) am with someone (22m) who fulfills me in so many ways, people literally call him the perfect man, including me.
I have ADHD. I’ve been diagnosed for 3 years, and it’s helped me to understand myself so much better. My fiancé has what I think is undiagnosed ADHD.
I’m not a psychiatrist I know, but I recognize so many of the behaviors.
The only issue here is his seemingly small issues severely impact our relationship because they’re not managed.
Of course, we all have our bad days (I have MANY) where we’re paralyzed and can’t remember things or have no motivation to sort things out in our lives, but this man has NO drive to take responsibility for anything in his life.
I have to manage the grocery lists, his doctor’s appointments, remind him to cut his hair, and see his mom. I constantly have to correct things like when he leaves the heating on all day or all the lights and it costs us a lot while also putting such a huge mental load on me when I’m in college and also work.
I’ve asked him to set alarms for things or to journal weekly reminders but he’s never even tried regardless of how much it affects me mentally or us financially.
He says he can’t help these things, but refuses to get help. I take responsibility for my downfalls and take action when I can, and I still of course have extremely annoying habits too, so I feel like I should stay with him because I’m being hypocritical, but AITJ or should I put my happiness first and leave?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but as you yourself said, you are not a therapist or anything like that, lots of conditions have the same patterns, but they aren’t even close in strategies to cope or solutions, so you are very unlikely to be able to help until there is a real diagnosis.
Also as long as you act like everything is still manageable you are just enabling those behaviors, this is clearly affecting you, and the fact you are worrying if you should just suck it up shows your self-esteem isn’t exactly sky-high, so, you need to have a real talk there, it’s either him getting help or you two taking a break until he can figure it out, but staying and acting like it’s all peachy is only detrimental for the two of you.
Because if you stay and nothing changes, not only will you be messed up because you will get fed up someday and leave having wasted years of your life, but also he will have been enabled for years and the chances of him changing will be almost non-existent so he will be screwed for life too.
So take a stance, for the two of you.” C4M5T46
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Many straight men spend their entire lives expecting someone else to plan and manage everything for them. I imagine with his young age he’s never had to take care of things himself, and if he did, he ignored many things and let his living situation/space/finances deteriorate because no one act of neglect was enough to completely implode his life.
I know what the paralysis is like, the anxiety at the phone call, etc. but the thing is, with ADHD, by the time you’re an adult, if you haven’t figured out how to make yourself take a shower and put pants on yet, you won’t figure it out if someone else is scheduling it for you and making you do it.
It sounds like his parents did him a vast disservice.
You need to back away for your own health, and frankly, it’s a win-win. Either you stop before you invest a lifetime into taking care of a man like a second mommy, or he grows up and learns to be half of a partnership instead of an employee.” laeiryn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
For what it’s worth, you don’t have to justify being unhappy in a relationship ever. There are no right or wrong reasons for feeling burnt out and dissatisfied. If you can’t do it anymore, then be honest with yourself first, and then with him. No matter how many great qualities someone has, a couple of bad ones can spoil the lot.
Being nice to you, accepting of who you are as a person, and emotionally supportive are the BASELINE requirements for a good relationship.
Don’t give extra credit to people for being/doing the bare minimum. And don’t let what might happen in the future have any weight on your decision about whether to stay or go. You can let your whole life pass you by because you were paralyzed by doubts.” weeblewobble82
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Help My Parents With Finances Anymore?
“I was raised in an Asian family – very family oriented. I’m 22, living overseas, and a recent college graduate. I just got promoted and had to relocate to a bigger city. Because of my parents, I delayed getting driving lessons and getting a vehicle.
Last year, my parents hit a rough patch. During that time, I didn’t make much. Less than 2k/ a month. It varies depending on my shifts. Despite then, for 5 months, I gave them 25% of my paycheque. Sometimes 40%. I gave out more than 3k.
I was always in the negative and my savings plummeted.
I have a good relationship with my parents, and they mention I’m not obligated to do so. But whenever we talk, they would complain about how hard it is for them financially. Then they would say they need help.
Me, being an obedient daughter, tries to help out. My dad doesn’t make much and has medical maintenance. My mom is a housewife.
Last month, I shelled out 1.5k after I got promoted. I did that so the thing they’re paying back ends last month. I recently moved to a big city, so it was hard letting go of that income.
I got moving reimbursement, anyway – so why not? I firmly told them that this is the last support I can give as I need to rebuild my savings and enjoy my life.
My mom was really sad and my dad refuses to talk to me.
My mom basically begs for me to continue the support as they need a medical check-up this month, and they need $ for the church they’re supporting (this is another story, but basically out of their pockets, they go to the outskirts and preach about God).
I told them I can’t anymore, but my mom insists I can just budget it and send small amounts.
My mom doesn’t have a job, and I suggest why not find a job. She complains about the age limit in our country, but she can work in call centers, but she doesn’t want to.
I suggest why not still try and drop off resumes. She was really offended by this, and she says she feels useless. My dad doesn’t make much either. Even in the past, I sometimes complain how this whole mess we’re in is very stressful for me too, and they take offense to it.
Now I don’t know how I should feel.
In the end, I gave in since it was putting a big strain on our relationship. But I feel awful and used. I have no problem sending funds to them since I love them, but right now I feel used and that they are guilt-tripping me.
I’ve recently moved to a big city and I still need to adjust.
For the last time, I told them I can’t send anymore and I’m considering distancing myself from them.
So AITJ for not wanting to help financially and feeling this way?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your parents are taking so much advantage of you.
You are not under filial obligation to continually live under stressful conditions to supply two fully grown and capable adults with funds (who apparently in part are just giving it away to support a church? What?) just because they’re refusing to help themselves.
Cut them off, and stand by it this time.
An ultimatum doesn’t mean jack if you don’t actually uphold it. They are going to beg and wail and guilt trip you and tell you how bad a child you are. They are lying because it’s more convenient for them to keep you exactly where you are and support them forever.
Draw. The. Line. Good luck.” BogwitchOfTheBog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Distance is definitely the way to go. Also, every time they complain about bills, you should one-up them and complain about yours. Talk about how expensive the move was and you have no financial help. Complain about not having savings and ask THEM to send YOU funds.
It’s sad that they’re just users when you’ve hurt yourself trying to help them out.” Acrobatic-Initial-40
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I wouldn’t help them anymore either – unless they were starving or about to be homeless. I would help them if things were that dire. Your Mom can work and they don’t need to give to the church. Those are choices they are making, and you don’t need to finance those choices. Having said that, not giving them money may harm your relationship significantly, and you need to be prepared for that.” dragon-queen
12. AITJ For Refusing To Check On My Sick Dad?
“I (26F) haven’t spoken to my biological dad since I was 16. To keep it very short he was awful in every way you can think of. My (24M) brother who I’ll call B however still talks and visits with him regularly despite all of the misery he put us through.
I think he feels sympathy for him or is just easily manipulated by him.
Well B reached out to me about a week ago and asked me to go and check on our bio dad because he was sick in the hospital and could potentially die.
B is in Spain right now for his military duties or he would have done it himself. I in the nicest way possible told B I wouldn’t be doing that. I haven’t spoken to him in years and had no interest in him now. Bio dad has a habit of developing these ‘deadly’ illnesses and using B who has been out of state/country for several years now to try and get me to visit him.
I’ve told bio dad I would be open to a conversation but he needs to apologize for everything he’s done to me. His words were ‘well I can’t change the past so I’m not going to apologize for it’ and left it at that. B told bio dad I’m pregnant now so I’m assuming he’s only doing this so he can try and manipulate me into a relationship so he can see his grandkid.
Anyway B got super mad that I refused and called me a jerk and heartless because he’s our last living parent. Our mom passed away from cancer 3 years ago. B and I got into a huge argument where I listed out all of the misery we both suffered from bio dad and here’s where I think I could be the jerk.
After arguing for 30 minutes and listening to B call me names and tell me he hates me if I don’t, I finally snapped and said ‘I’ll visit him after he’s dead to confirm I no longer have to deal with him the rest of my life.’ B said if I don’t have a relationship with bio dad he’s never speaking to me again and hung up.
That was a week ago now and I learned that bio dad was never actually that sick and never stayed in the hospital. He went into the ER and was sent home the same day and is recovering just fine. So AITJ for refusing to check on him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your brother is still entrenched in this cycle and you are not. For your own health and safety, it is perfectly okay to say no to people who have been terrible, or people who are trapped in a cycle and perpetuating more harm. You did the right thing for yourself and your child.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with your brother, I know that must be painful.” idk2737382936
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, apart from your bio dad of course. You and your brother are entitled to have whatever relationship you want with him, especially given he was awful. It sounds like your brother is really struggling, especially with that line ‘last living parent’.
Maybe he is feeling very vulnerable and lonely. It’s a very young age to be dealing with the loss of one parent, especially as the remaining one is awful.
It would make sense that there is some heightened emotion around the relationship with bio dad. If you and your brother are close, I would consider talking to him to better understand why he is so sensitive around your relationship with your bio dad, as I reckon there is a lot going on.
But ultimately it is your decision alone about your bio dad and you are 100% in the right to stand by it.” The_Gunslinger9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You get to say no to seeing the person that mistreated you and no one gets to guilt, blackmail, force, or coerce you into seeing him.
It’s insensitive to say ‘I’ll confirm when he’s dead’ but you said it directly in relationship to emotional manipulation and blackmail ‘see him or I won’t have a relationship with you and see him cause he’s dying (which he’s done ten times before)’
Your brother is likely being manipulated and likely feels like his connection to your dad is worth it. You all have a lifetime of misery behind you. People respond to that differently and his response is his own. You don’t have to feel that way and you don’t have to have a relationship or see him.” JetItTogether
11. AITJ For Telling My Partner I Want Him Around More?
“My partner moved from a large city to our small town 4 years ago (2-hour drive between them). We have been in a relationship for 3 years and have a house together. He is a high school teacher and gets summers off (about 2.5 months) and I’m an RPN in retirement.
He loves hockey and plays in a league in our small town every Thursday and then plays pick up every Sunday with family in another small town 20 minutes away. Unfortunately, because this is a small town hockey leagues only run in winter for 6 months, and then the ice is taken out of the local rec centers for the summer so no summer hockey.
During the winter he makes a backyard rink as we have a large backyard (leaving some running room for our husky) and invites his friends from the city and his coworkers to use it with him. He goes back to the city throughout the winter to play in a league with a friend occasionally.
I attend games when my schedule permits and will skate and pass the puck around on the backyard rink.
He has told me that he will be going to the city for hockey once every Thursday in the summer to play in a league with one of his friends.
I asked if instead of going to all 8 games if he would settle for 4 as you can pay per play and I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to make a 4 hour round trip once a week. It frustrates me too as often he takes our dog and will spend the night at his parents making it into a day or longer affair (he did this last summer).
He has told me that I am asking for too much and he would consider leaving our dog sometimes but will not miss out on half a season of hockey. I feel like I ask for so little as we already barely see each other and I get Thursday off every other week.
He plays golf often in summer in our town and the city and will leave for the city to visit friends and family at random, I don’t mind when I work as he is off and I work so we can’t spend time together anyways.
Just wondering if I’m being too unreasonable.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, your partner has a time-consuming hobby that happens to fall on the day off you get during the week. Because when you’re free, he’s gone (with the dog), you spend your day off by yourself, making it very difficult to plan things to do together.
When you go, you’re watching him play and burning the time off that you get for yourself while not actually getting time with him.
Is this the only day you get free, or do you get the weekend time where the two of you are BOTH not working?
I get that he’s REALLY into hockey, but if this is one of the few times that your schedules overlap enough to see one another, it is a strain.
It probably also feels intrusive since your house is the social center of the backyard hockey rink–is he doing a fair share of the hosting/cleanup/dealing with the people all over using it? Is there an all-day hobby you enjoy (going to a museum in a big city?) that he’s willing to do with you in the same way that you support his? Consuming hobbies you don’t share can become really tiresome to the left-out person.” Sea-Mud5386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you’re feeling like you don’t spend enough time with your SO then you’re more than allowed to open the topic for discussion and try and find some way to compromise. He didn’t even try to compromise, he just told you no. If there is no means of communication and there’s no means of compromise then what are you doing? Wasting any free time you have for a guy who just wants to play golf and hockey? You gotta be able to ask yourself if what you want out of this relationship is a man who would not even entertain the idea of spending more time with you over spending all of his and your free time playing sports that you don’t also play. Seems pretty one-sided as far as a relationship goes.” Additional-Number969
10. AITJ For Letting My Friend Leave?
“I (17F) was hanging out with my other 3 friends (all 17M) and we planned to go to Universal Studios together. I already got all the tickets beforehand so nothing was out of the ordinary. One of my friends ‘Bob’ initially agreed but as time went on, he kept distancing himself from the rest of my friends.
As mentioned before, I was planning this with them for a week beforehand, and he agreed with all the plans.
On the way there, he kept walking away from us so we decided to go and check on him and make sure that he was still ok with it.
Now, this is when I might be the jerk since after he didn’t reply, I just sort of left him around for a bit to think about everything. We know that he has a fear of rollercoasters so we did not actually make him go to the rollercoasters.
He became visibly unhappy with the situation soon and did not really want to communicate with us.
There is a point where I told him to just simply have fun, but he just sarcastically said ‘yea I’m having fun’. After that, I sort of just left and I feel bad because I didn’t specifically ask about the specific things he wanted to do.
We only managed to get on one ride with fast queues so we decided to get fast past for all 4 of us. When we got there, we wanted to get 4, but Bob just said that we should get 3. At that point, I and my two other friends are already feeling pretty confused and sorta upset because he didn’t want to hang out with us.
We tried to enforce that we wanted to have fun with all 4 of us, but he just continued denying it and said he will wait outside.
Finally, we gave up and just decided to get 3 passes, which sounds like a pretty jerk move, I admit.
The next part sounds like a pretty jerk part to me but I want all of you’s opinions. So I and the rest of my friends just went on the rides ourselves, without Bob, which probably made him more upset. The reason for that is because we knew that if we did not have fun, he would spend the next few days apologizing for ruining our day.
Eventually, he just decided he will leave and left by himself. We did not really try to stop him because we were out of words and did not really know what to say. Afterward, we felt pretty bad and I think it was a bit of a jerk thing for us to do, but couldn’t really think of anything on the spot.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, no matter what kind of friend you think you are to him, he wasn’t in the original plans and chose to tag along despite him knowing very well you would be doing stuff he’s not into. His behavior is manipulative and needs to be stopped.
If this occurs again you need to tell him that this was his choice and he is old enough to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around him when he wasn’t in on the plans from the beginning!” zannazo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are plenty of things to do other than coasters, you all could have had a great time together.
He could have separated from the group when you went on rides he didn’t like and lots the four of you could do together. Even more so once the coaster enthusiasts got Express passes. Was something else perhaps going on?
And just to be clear by rollercoaster you do mean actual coasters not all rides right? Tons of different types of rides and shows at all the major theme parks.
For what it’s worth, when my husband and I go to Universal or Disney there are rides he doesn’t like to go on so he just waits while I ride them. Or vice versa. No big deal. ESPECIALLY if we have Express.” the_jesstastic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he knew there would be rollercoasters when you first started planning this. That would be the appropriate time for him to state they make him anxious and that he probably wouldn’t join you. The fact that he went and then started his passive-aggressive behavior is a big red flag for him being manipulative.” Sea-Ad3724
9. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mom To Join Me In Therapy?
“I regularly seek therapy because of my anxiety disorder stemming from childhood trauma but my parents think that it is just counseling for career-related stress. In a recent session, the therapist asked to see my mom, because she felt that talking to her about my boundaries would help.
But I declined for the time being because I’m not so comfortable with the idea.
So, I had a conversation with a friend recently about this that turned into an argument. He encouraged me to take my mom to therapy, but I said I couldn’t do it because I live with her and I don’t have the bandwidth to bear the repercussions (my mom isn’t exactly very open to anything that ‘targets’ her).
I said that she’ll be victimizing herself and I cannot bear the thought of a whole guilt ride right now.
But he said, I’m being close-minded and I shouldn’t be seeking therapy at all if I don’t see hope in things and if I’m having preconceived beliefs about the outcomes.
And this upset me a lot because my ‘beliefs’ were actually frequently occurring scenarios, that I see, and he doesn’t. I’m also scared that I’ve been technically lying about why I seek therapy, even though I did address the trauma to my parents in the past (it was brushed off as me making up things and them having no memory of it.)
When I mentioned being upset and hurt, and him not understanding where I’m coming from, he said that I was hurting him instead by saying he isn’t trying to understand me.
And also that he couldn’t just know my exact situation, so he’s just giving advice considering all the perspectives and ‘looking at the problem in more ways than one’. I said that I just wanted comfort and not advice shoved to my face, which angered him further and he became distant and gave me the silent treatment.
He later said that he might’ve said mean things but it’s for the best. Of course, I agree that taking my mom to therapy will have good outcomes if she’s willing. But my friend’s words were ‘leave it to the therapist’, and I don’t think I can do that because I am just not comfortable with the possibility of my mom losing her temper on me because of the things I’ve said to the therapist.
He won’t talk to me properly now so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and bringing a toxic parent to therapy can actually give them ammunition to weaponize against you. Your therapist also doesn’t seem to know how boundaries work… They aren’t something someone else follows, they are something YOU follow.
You can tell someone your boundary and if they try to stomp on it, you remove yourself, it’s not on them. I would seek a new therapist or ask them to explain their POV on boundaries more because that is concerning to me.” unjessicabiel_evable
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I lived in a similar situation as you until recently when I lived with the source of my trauma – a narcissistic parent.
It really can be a sticky situation because you want to give the parent the benefit of the doubt and bring them into the healing process, but you also know from experience that it is very likely to make things worse. Add in the inability to get distance from them in case things get worse, and it makes it very hard to want to broach the subject.
You’re not a jerk for requesting comfort from your friend. It was nice of them to try to offer advice, but the moment you said it wasn’t helpful and it wasn’t what you needed right now, they should have accepted that. I’m proud of you for establishing boundaries about your feelings!
In the end, this is between you, your family, and your therapist (mostly you and your therapist, though).
I’m sure your friend cares about you in their own way, but they need to respect that they don’t fully understand the situation and it isn’t their job to. So again, you are NTJ here.” pbandbees
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Therapy is for you. If you think that bringing your mother to these sessions is going to do more harm than good, based on your past trauma with her that YOU know best, not your friend, then don’t take her.
I especially don’t think it’ll go over well if she thinks your therapy is for something work-related and not for your trauma involving her.
The friend might have had good intentions, thinking the both of you could ‘air’ things out or something, but he shouldn’t have continued to push when you said no.
Therapy is incredibly personal and the most the friend should have done was say something along the lines of ‘I agree with the therapist in that I think mom should go because of XYZ but in the end, it’s your choice and I respect that decision.’ He definitely should have dropped it when you said you weren’t looking for advice, that was definitely an overstep on his part.
I do think we sometimes need to push friends out of their comfort zones, to help them grow, but this is definitely not one of those times. Again, OP, NTJ. Wishing you all the best with your continued therapy.” macdaddyelite
8. WIBTJ If I Blame My MIL For Being Controlling?
“I (20f) married my husband (20m) 1 month ago. But we were in a serious relationship for 3 years. I and my MIL always got along pretty well. But she is very controlling. My husband is very sweet and innocent and she takes advantage of this.
But everyone in this household does as MIL says. She can‘t accept if she is wrong.
So currently my husband and I had to buy our own washing machine. I picked one but had to wait until our bathroom was renovated to buy it. The total cost would be 500€ (we are living in Germany).
My MIL insisted that we buy a used one for the same price because of the brand. I refused because you never know how the previous owner took care of it and if something happens you don‘t have a manufacturer warranty. After talking back and forth she dropped it.
A few weeks later she asked if we already bought it and I said no because we have no space until our bathroom is ready. But we’ll buy it soon enough. She then told us that her mother wants to give us the money as a wedding gift.
We were grateful and happy. But a few days later when we came home MIL already got the used one from this particular brand. I was beyond angry but didn‘t say anything because we can’t return it anyways.
A few days after that we first opened it and the machine smelled disgusting.
Like mold. I cleaned it very well and found mold and fungus in it. I let them run through at 95 degrees Celsius with various detergents and cleaning agents. 13 times in total until the smell improved a little. But still, I can’t let it sit for more than 5 minutes there because it starts to smell.
Our bathroom smells too and our stuff like the towels take the smell on.
As we told that to MIL she said it was our fault because we didn’t use the machine immediately. But this type of fungus doesn’t arise in a few days. The water was standing in there for months before she bought it and the fungus was huge.
And fungus is still coming out of the drain hose. I‘m currently 36 weeks pregnant and don’t feel comfortable washing the baby’s laundry in it. I want to buy a new one but she is so against it and keeps saying it is our fault.
So WIBTJ if I tell her if she wouldn‘t be so controlling we wouldn‘t have to spend the extra money?
UPDATE: my husband talked to his mother again and she came upstairs to smell the machine. She smelled that too and said we should try to clean it more and if the smell still stays we can buy a new one and throw this one away.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your MIL had no right to spend the funds intended as a wedding present for you on what SHE decided it should be spent on. This reminds me of years ago when an ex’s mother gave him money for me toward something specific and expensive that she knew I wanted.
Instead, he spent the money himself on a bunch of cheesy little trinkets that he thought were cool and got mad that I didn’t appreciate ‘his’ presents.
Get a new washer. Ask your MIL if she wants the stink monster and if not, pay the extra fee to have the delivery man haul away it away so you can breathe again.
By the way, this was absolutely not your fault. This stink problem is a very common malfunction of many expensive high-end washers. That’s why the former owner was dumping it. I don’t get why anyone buys these things. They are very high maintenance and once the stink sets in, you’re screwed.
Why was she so determined for you to buy this one? Was a friend of hers selling it?
PS: Your MIL needs to be on an information diet. No more talk about your domestic plans. You know she’ll interfere.” HeartpineFloors
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you expressed that you didn’t want a used washer for a reason.
I encourage you to PLEASE get rid of that washer immediately and have your SO (it shouldn’t have to be you) insist on a new washer immediately. That wasn’t her money to spend.
Mold and fungus can be EXTREMELY damaging to your respiratory system and since you are pregnant, you are so much more vulnerable.
Mold is no joke. If you can smell it that strongly, it is 100% a problem! I wouldn’t wash anything in it again, and consider using their washer (I’m assuming they have their own?) or better yet, a laundromat if you can swing it, to clean anything that has been in that washer.
Please take care and I hope that this situation can be remedied immediately. Congrats on your new marriage and your baby-to-be!” HumbleOrganization71
7. AITJ For Wanting To Be Realistic About Our Future?
“My partner (35M) and I (35F) have been in a relationship for the last year and a half. He is a really amazing partner — kind, caring, attentive, funny… all the things one could want from a person. The issue is that he has been out of work for about 2.5 years now.
Initially, it appeared as if he was trying to apply for jobs in his field but almost immediately into our relationship I started lending him funds every month to make rent and pay bills. He lives very frugally and doesn’t ever need more than just rent, bills, and a little extra for food.
When I’m in town I take us out to dinner and pay for the activities we do.
Initially, when I lent him the funds I was under the impression that it would be a four-month thing until he got a job. Long story short, I took care of him for the whole year, in the process draining my entire savings and losing any emergency fund I had set aside.
At the beginning of this year, I told him I would no longer be able to support him as I was now not in the best financial shape myself. He agreed to start looking for a job and reached out to friends for assistance.
It’s now April and I’m not sure how much looking he’s done.
I feel really dumb because I care about him and don’t want to see him in a more vulnerable situation (he already suffers from depression which he says medication doesn’t help treat) but I took out a 10K loan to help get him through the next four/five months.
He seems very adamant that he will have a job by then and it does sound like he’s looking. He even created a LinkedIn for the first time.
Last night I asked him if he could be honest and tell me if he ever saw himself working again (this was in an effort to understand if he needs to be on disability for his depression).
Mostly I just want to know so that I can plan better for our financial future. I don’t need to be rich but I want to know that I can take care of us both if I need to.
This morning I woke up to a message from him telling me that he’s very hurt, that he feels like I lost faith in him, and that he needs time to ‘process’ this.
He won’t talk to me when I ask to discuss further. I tried to approach this with logic and sensitivity but am I the jerk for asking for expectations about our future?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You not only drained your savings but took out a $10,000 loan to help support him.
You are entitled to information about his life and what he sees his future to be. It is a serious red flag that his response to your completely reasonable request was to try to turn it around and make himself into a victim.
I hate to say it, but he is taking advantage of your generosity, and the fact that he refuses to give you any information about how much longer he will do so indicates that he doesn’t plan to stop any time soon.
My mother used to say: where there is suppose there is control. I’d suggest you start to use this control. Cut off the funds until you get some concrete answers and real plans from him, including plans to pay you back.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
‘Almost immediately into our relationship I started lending him funds every month to make rent and pay bills’ this is not great. It set up a dynamic where you were sinking costs into this relationship from the outset, with no real knowledge of this guy’s plans or character.
Meanwhile, he’s drinking around, and you’re increasingly frustrated that you might lose a substantial chunk of bills with no recourse. Did he sign a promissory note when you took out an unsecured loan to help him?
As the person who is on the hook here, you do have a reason to be asking about his job plans, but as his partner, this is a really destructive cycle of prying, nagging, and obfuscating responses.
Get some financial records going on this and don’t lend him another penny, with the advice that once you have a signature on a promissory note, back way up on this relationship and see if he gets his act together or not, without your enabling.” Sea-Mud5386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but girl… What are you doing?
He’s been unemployed the whole time you’ve been with him.
You lost all your savings AND you took out a $10k loan for him?
If this was a post from a mother about her 25-year-old son, people would tell her to stop babying him. But this is about a 35-year-old man in a relationship.
He got hurt because he felt you lost faith in him but where is this pride where his partner is paying for everything, losing her savings, and taking on loans for him? The fact he was okay with you taking out a loan and hadn’t even made a LinkedIn just shows he doesn’t respect you.
Since he mostly lived off you, you need to put your foot down and tell him to apply to one job a day, otherwise, it’s super disrespectful to you for everything you’ve done for him. What does he even do all day? Is he in his room just depressed or is he actually doing things?” Moss8888444
6. AITJ For Not Altering My Wedding Dress?
“I (27F) absolutely love my wedding dress. I picked it out over a year ago with my mom and all my female future in-laws present—we had the whole happy tears moment and everyone agreed that this was the one. My mother surprised me by paying for it, which was incredibly generous because it was not cheap.
A few days after we bought it, I got a call from my mom. She explained that she’d looked at the pictures of the dress on me and shown them to my dad, and they both agreed that I needed to have the dress altered to be ‘appropriate’.
Specifically, they wanted to add an opaque lace covering to turn the deep v-neck into a sweetheart or scoop neckline since I’m on the bustier side, and ‘they didn’t want me to look obscene in front of my fiancé’s whole family’.
I didn’t want to push back against their request because they’d paid for the dress (as well as a lot of other wedding expenses) and the last thing I want to do is act ungrateful, but doing that to the dress would have been a major change that affected why I liked it in the first place.
It also would have been technically difficult and looked awkward because it’s very obvious that the dress was designed to have that sort of neckline. If my mom had raised that objection at the store, I probably would have just picked a different dress rather than butcher this one.
Also, I’ll admit that I was annoyed by the request because my parents have been awful to me my entire life about wearing tops that they only find inappropriate because I have DDD cups and not because the tops actually show a lot of cleavage.
The wedding dress is the same—my bust is fully covered in it and all that the neckline shows is my sternum.
I told my mom that I disagreed with their opinion that the dress was inappropriate but I’d see what the tailor could do when I went in for my fitting.
I didn’t end up saying anything to him about it and the dress was just altered in a few minor ways to fit me better. My wedding is in two weeks, and the closer it gets the more I worry that I’ll show up in the dress I love but my parents will be upset by the way I look.
AITJ for ignoring my parents’ request to alter the wedding dress that they paid for?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She gifted you the dress and she doesn’t get to say what happens with a gift after it is given, but now you know why it’s an issue to accept money for weddings.
People suddenly think they get a say and now you are afraid to upset them. The thing is, it’s your wedding. Time to adult and stand up to your parents. Tell them it has not been altered the way they wanted and it won’t be.
Better to let them know now than be shocked. Also, make sure they can’t get access to your dress. If they put up a fuss, tell them to quit body shaming you and ask them why your neckline is more important than you.” holisarcasm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are not the one that should be feeling embarrassed here, they are.
Listen, it’s your parents, and you love them, and they’re contributing towards your wedding, and all that’s great. But you are also a full-fledged adult, and this is your body. The proportions of YOUR body parts and how you decide to clothe YOUR body is YOUR business, NOT theirs.
They are being extremely rude and grossly invasive to even comment on this, much less presume they should have the right control/overrule you or to insinuate you should feel shame. No. No, no, no, no.
Please don’t entertain any more discussion from them about this. You don’t owe them an explanation or an apology.
If anything is ‘owed’ here, they should be made to explain themselves and their gross comments and expectations to you, not the other way around.
So if they bring it up (especially, god forbid, at the wedding!), then be polite but direct with establishing a crystal-clear boundary, ‘Mom, Dad, this isn’t something I ever expected to have to say, but please hear me because I don’t want to have to say it ever again: I’m not discussing my body with either of you ever again.
Period. Please keep your comments and opinions about my body to yourselves. Thank you.'” PARA9535307
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My advice is that come wedding day if mom or dad comment on the lack of alterations have a line ready. It could be ‘I asked the tailor for ideas and opinions and they admitted it was a major alteration and were not confident in the outcome, but said they would tailor the dress to my body to make sure it was perfect and would fit the event.’ I dunno but something to say you heard, you ‘tried’ but it just wasn’t plausible and you feel beautiful, and isn’t that wonderful that they bought the dress that helps you feel that way on your special day.” Boudinthedoggie
5. WIBTJ If I Confront My Friend About Excluding Someone From Her Party?
“I belong to a group of 6 girls and we all share a group chat together. Two of them are newer additions to the group (let’s call them Sarah and Chloe) and they know each other, but are not close. However, both of them are closer to the rest of us.
Well, Sarah is hosting a party in a few days and she has invited the whole group, excluding Chloe. In addition, she invited other people outside of our girl group that she is friends with.
I assumed Chloe was invited and asked her what time she is thinking of going and she told me she wasn’t aware there was a party.
This prompted me to ask Sarah if it was on purpose. She told me it was and that she was only inviting her closest friends.
Honestly, it hurt my feelings on behalf of Chloe because she always includes everyone in her invites and even if the two of them aren’t super tight, they both are close to the rest of the ‘core group’.
I was thinking about privately talking to Sara at her party and telling her she should not do that in these kinds of casual gatherings and that I would not attend the next if Chloe solely were not included with the rest. WIBTJ if I do this?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ.
It’s Sarah’s party so of course, it should be up to her to decide who to invite. It’s nice that Chloe invites Sarah to her events, but that doesn’t mean Sarah must invite Chloe to hers.
I imagine that it was quite awkward for you to have found out that Chloe wasn’t invited when you assumed she was, but you definitely shouldn’t confront Sarah, at her own party, to tell her that she has to invite Chloe to future events in order for you to come.
You could talk to Sarah privately, before or after the event, sharing that you felt sad that Chloe wasn’t invited and that you don’t want her to feel left out of the group.
Not all relationships in a group are of equal importance to the individuals in the group.
If Chloe is interested in developing a closer relationship with Sarah, maybe she should reach out to her and they can spend time one-on-one together, but maybe these two girls just aren’t that interested in being friends with each other.” GooeyLuigi381
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. You seem really nice, and I really appreciate the concern you have for your friend.
Never discuss a snub at an event. Even when the snubber is in the wrong it makes you the jerk. In the future, if you want to bring it up then do so long before the event is supposed to happen.
Don’t be accusatory. Instead say you noticed someone wasn’t invited and if everything was okay between them.
Sometimes there are innocent reasons, other times nefarious.” CantalopeHoneydew
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ, her party, her choice. I can see your side of things and it’s valid of you to want to include Chloe. However, I wouldn’t say anything to Sarah about how if she doesn’t invite her you’re not coming. You should just not go rather than make a potential confrontation when you may not know the details. Maybe you and Chloe could go do something instead when they have the party?” Nicolett750
4. WIBTJ If I Don't Visit My Friend?
“I graduated last spring and the two previous years I lived in a house with 4 other girls, we all got really close and it was lots of fun to live together. Since I graduated I have moved 18 hours away and I haven’t seen them at all but we keep in contact over text.
For the last month, I have been planning to go visit them and I am supposed to go next week and I would be staying with them. But a few days ago one of the girls (the one that I was the closest with) that I am planning on going to visit was at her parents’ house for the week which is about 3 hours from where I live now.
She asked me to come to visit her and hang out for the night and so my partner got us a hotel and took off work so we could go see her, I was really excited because I haven’t seen her in almost a year.
The night we were supposed to see her she kept putting off the time we were going to meet up until it was 10 pm and she finally said she was too tired to hang out. I am pretty upset about this especially because my partner spent a lot and had to take off work so we could see her and she didn’t even show up.
I’m hurt and I don’t know if I’m just being petty but would I be the jerk for canceling my trip next week? I don’t think I should bother driving 18 hours to go see my friends when she wouldn’t even drive 10 minutes to come to see me even though she was the one that asked me to come.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, don’t make time for people who treat you this way.
But maybe go & enjoy the other friends. Is it possible she wanted to hang out with you alone & not you & your partner? Women sometimes get their wires crossed & bring a partner or children when the other person had a different vision.
You might give her the opportunity to clarify by saying ‘Hey what happened? We were going to hang out but you flaked. I am not feeling great about our friendship at the moment so just come clean & tell me the truth.’ If she sticks to the too tired narrative, drop her has a close friend & don’t go out of your way ever again.” lucretziathevixen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But, don’t cancel your plans and punish your other friends just because one of them blew you off. Go see your girls, and let this other one know what she did was disrespectful and unappreciated.” simplycinci
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if you cancel, but you are perhaps being short-sighted. Unless there is absolutely nothing else to do in the area you would be visiting except seeing them, you should be able to find plenty to do. If they bail on you, go do some really fun, exciting things without them.” ShampooSucks
3. AITJ For Being Angry At My Friends?
“My friends and I were going on a school trip to celebrate finishing college. I only really hang out with one person in this group, and it was just a bunch of people from college going with us. He’s REALLY good friends with this one girl and I knew he would sit on the bus with her, but I expected him to save me a seat somewhere near him because they were calling our names on the bus alphabetically and his surname starts with A so he got to go in first and grab the seats.
My surname starts with P, so I was one of the last to enter the bus and when I got there they were all sitting together and they didn’t save me a seat. I felt hurt, so I left the bus and told the guide there wasn’t any room on the bus.
My friends saw me on the bus and called me on the phone and I told them if there wasn’t any room on the bus, I would simply go home because I didn’t want to ride on a different bus (Note: each bus was a different college).
They all came outside to see what was happening and I told them the guide reassured me there was room and he eventually found one in the front of the bus.
I never acted angrily, but I was fuming at the thought of all of them sitting together and me being excluded (I just didn’t want to spend 30 hours on the bus with people I didn’t know).
Even though I did interact with people around me and tried to at least make acquaintances, I was still hurt at what they (or just he, to be precise) did. Later on, I didn’t want to talk with them whenever we would get off the bus because I needed some time to cool down.
Eventually, I decided to at least be civil and hang out with them as we would be in the same room anyway and there was no escaping the situation. But they are now all cold towards me and act like I’m not even here half of the time.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re old enough to use words and ask for things rather than expecting things from people. This was a 30-hour bus trip that you were willing to abandon because someone didn’t read your mind? And why did you lie about there being no seats? I assume there were students with surnames beginning with letters after P; did they miss the trip? If you were angry enough about this that you wouldn’t speak with people because you needed to cool down, I think you should work at keeping your anger under control.
No wonder people gave you the cold shoulder after that.” TemptingPenguin369
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are an adult, not a child who needs a babysitter. You need to learn to be independent. You are going to lose a lot of friends if you continue this behavior.
It is clingy, needy, and immature. I personally would not want to be around someone who is going to pout every time they don’t get their way. You will eventually have to learn to navigate life on your own.” crazycatlady45325
Another User Comments:
“You just finished college & this is how you write? I don’t understand a thing here.
You say there were no seats left on the bus by the time your name was called, so how is he going to save you one? The bus was full, or nearly full? Wouldn’t he have had to demand someone else not take a seat to fulfill your expectation? Then you say ‘they’re’ all cold to you, but you start by saying you only hang out with your friend anyway.
When the people on the bus saw you hadn’t boarded they were concerned enough to come out & find out what was happening.
Based on your account it sounds as though you were being a little prima donna here. Maybe I have that wrong, but YTJ for carrying on like that. The bus ride was just a means to an end, after all, but it sounds as though you’ve allowed pique to spoil the trip.” andykatz
2. AITJ For Snitching On My Sister-In-Law?
“I (16F) decide to tell my SIL (24F), Sierra, that my other SIL (20F), Helen was spreading rumors about Sierra and my brother Baren (Sierra’s partner) (38M). Basically, Helen was saying to my sister, I’ll call her Tiana (40F) that Sierra & Baren were talking trash about Tiana.
I found this out through my mother (I saw the screenshots so I know for a fact it was being said). This didn’t feel right to me, as Sierra isn’t close to Helen at all, she doesn’t even really like Helen, so even if she was talking trash about her, why would she talk about it to Helen? And another thing, she isn’t that type of person.
She hates that behavior in general. Baren also isn’t close to Helen. It just didn’t sit right with me.
So a couple of days later, I was having a heart-to-heart with Sierra, and eventually (without her prompting me) I told Sierra what Helen had said about her.
Sierra was rightfully angry. I didn’t expect there to be fallout or drama. Which now that I think about it, is stupid. But in the situation, I would want to be told as well. Sierra confronted Helen. Asked who told her, but Sierra didn’t want to get me into trouble so declined to say.
Helen’s partner, my brother Malcolm (26M) called my mother and asked who had said it. I don’t know how but she knew and told him it was me. I didn’t really mind as I knew they would find out.
My mother seemed to think Sierra coerced me out of it, she didn’t.
I told her of my own free will. Malcolm messaged me shortly after, he kept going off at me accusing me of trying to break up the family, etc. I was at school and ended up having to leave because I couldn’t stop crying. Helen & Tiana are denying it, I don’t know why.
I saw the messages myself. I know Helen was talking to Tiana about Sierra & Baren. They are all saying that I’m lying and only Sierra & Baren believe me. My mother knows that I’m not lying, but she won’t back me up as Malcolm is the favorite child.
Anyway, I don’t think I regret what I did. Because I would want to know as well, and I don’t think spreading rumors like that is right. At the end of the day I know I’m telling the truth.
Edits:
My mother admitted that she knows Helen said what she said about Sierra to Tiana.
But says she wouldn’t confirm with Malcolm as she doesn’t want to ‘upset’ him.
Have no idea if this contributes – but my siblings aren’t married but they’re in a relationship, I felt it would be easier to call them SILs.”
Another User Comments:
“Learn to stay out of people’s business.
If it does not concern you leave it alone – this is especially key when dealing with siblings. Siblings sometimes do the worst things to each other and will forgive them at the drop of the hat and then turn on the person that got stuck in the middle.
Don’t get involved in others’ drama and let people know the moment they start to let you in on a drama/gossip story that they need to change the subject as you are not interested… However, keep those people in mind that enjoy causing strife and avoid letting them know too many details in your life, and never confide in them.
NTJ. Your heart was in the right place. But next time leave the train wreck alone.” MersWhaawhaa
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say YTJ, but only a little bit. You were trying to do what you felt was right by telling your SIL what the other one said because if it were you, you would want to know but you inserted yourself into a situation that had nothing to do with you, you don’t have actual copies of the text messages, it’s now a ‘she said-she said situation’, everyone is upset, and your brother is blaming you.
Next time just stay out of it and let them sort it out.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
What you did was correct.
Sometimes you have to stay strong despite having flack thrown at you.
Can you talk to SIL1 and your sister? Is it possible to show the evidence to your mum? It’s wrong that your mum knows they aren’t lying but is still siding with your brother.
The silver lining here is that SIL2 has shown her true colors.” Avalancheishere
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. This is a ‘don’t get involved at all’ situation. You thought it was the right thing, but it always backfires. Now everyone is upset and nothing has been solved. Helen is the kind of person who would slip up and tell on herself eventually. Don’t get involved in these types of drama. The only exception is if someone is doing something dangerous or harmful.” SnazzySusieQ
1. AITJ For Refusing To Attend Family Gatherings After The Way They Treated My Partner?
“My family and I used to be really close. I used to be close with my parents as well as my 3 older sisters. Because we all live close by, my parents enjoyed setting up either Saturday or Sunday, depending on everyone’s schedule, as just a day for my siblings and me to go over to the parents’ house & just hang out, and have a meal.
I brought my partner, let’s call her ‘Morgan’ over to one of these, back in October. It was their first time meeting her. I’d been with her since late July & it seemed like a perfect opportunity for her to meet them in a casual environment.
Well, they ended up just grilling her the more they learned about her. Not grilling her in a yelling, screaming manner, but, doing this passive-aggressive ‘I’m going to talk down to you, but in a calm tone.’
In the past, I’ve gone out with girls who were quiet & studious types, all of them went to college, some got Master’s degrees, and my family who hugely values education (my dad is a Dr., 2 sisters are lawyers, my other sister is a Dr., I have a Master’s), loved my exes.
Morgan’s a bit different in that, she didn’t like school, she admits that her grades didn’t matter and that she was more focused on the social aspects of high school, doing the whole ‘where’s the party Friday? I got so wasted last weekend. What outfit am I going to wear to school?’ thing.
She didn’t go to college, she was more focused on the party, which for my family were Strikes 1, 2, and 3.
At the family gathering in Oct., once they figured out she didn’t go to college, that was what they jumped on & made her feel inadequate.
It seemed like everything they said to her was just a variation of ‘We’re above you, you’re a moron, we’re going to let you know that.’ For example, they said things like ‘I just can’t imagine not caring about school.’ ‘Weren’t you worried about your future?’ ‘Those classes aren’t hard unless you don’t try’.
They got her in 1 on 1 conversation, when I wasn’t around, and said these things to her.
It very much upset her that they would just rip her to shreds over her education & her job (she waitresses). It annoyed me hearing her tell me what they said.
She decided she wasn’t going to be attending any more family stuff & strongly encouraged me to skip the get-togethers and not talk to them very much, so, I haven’t seen them since October. My family thinks I’m the jerk because, to them, I’m being manipulated to hate them by ‘a pretty girl with a nice smile and no goals’.
I’m 26, she’s 24.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly this one has me torn. Your family was legit rude, they shouldn’t have talked down to her about her education choices or lack thereof. But your partner presented herself very poorly to her audience, most people will judge her for being more focused on partying than building a career for herself.
Especially a room full of academics/professionals.
Adding fuel to the fire it doesn’t sound like she has any goals outside of academia. I may get downvoted but that’s a bit of a red flag to me. And probably was to your family as well. She may be fun now but could become a burden if the relationship gets serious.
I’m going with ‘everyone sucks here’, the family was rude, and your SO didn’t know her audience. And pushed you to cut off your family after one bad experience (that’s the major red flag). All I will say is be careful, and wrap it up because if I had to bet a baby is in your future.” Scion41790
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You and your partner are adults. As adults, it’s reasonable to expect to be treated politely. Passive-aggressive comments from your parents are just distasteful. So what if she didn’t attend post-secondary school? She was an adult when it was time to decide her path. She chose to work.
She’s doing something productive. She has a job! So what if it isn’t glamorous? It’s an honest day’s work. Having a job, especially in this trashy economy is great. She may not have lofty educational goals but she works.
You stood up for her. You definitely recognize her for the person she is and not the degree she can wave around.
Not everyone wants to be a doctor, lawyer, or something else. Some people are happy with their non-office jobs. If she’s happy and treats you well, then good. Enjoy your life with her and let your parents stew because they couldn’t dictate your life.
That said, have you and your partner talked about your future? Have you shared what you would expect of each other? You’re adults, you need to ensure you share the same relationship and life goals even if how you get there is a little different.
As for your parents, they can be worried but there is a better way to go about it that doesn’t immediately alienate your partner; doesn’t trash her self-esteem or belittle her for her choice to work instead of going to school.” nikkesen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your family is and to some degree so is your partner.
What is wrong with being a server?
Hitting the books and getting a higher education isn’t for everyone. I can totally see why your partner doesn’t want to participate anymore.
However, I do not believe your partner should ask YOU not to participate alone either. If it were solely your choice, then I’m all for that.
But it should 100% be YOUR choice if you want to distance yourself from your family or not. If you’re doing it just because your partner asked you to, then I think you should reconsider whether or not it’s actually what you want to be doing.
I personally think you should have gone back and told your family just how disappointed you were in them, that your partner makes an honest living, and that you didn’t ask them to approve her, you brought her by so that they could meet. You wanted all of the important people in your life to have met each other.
You didn’t bring her there to be talked down to or judged, and with the rude way they behaved (it can still be rude even if it wasn’t loud), she no longer wants anything to do with them.
Ask them why they thought it was so appropriate to make your partner feel so horribly unwelcome at the get-together with their superior attitudes…
and remind them that it’s hard to remove a bad first impression and that if you didn’t have any problem with her educational past or her current job, it wasn’t their place to knock her for it.
I mean… what if you two get way more serious, and get married? They just put themselves on the sidelines of your life, forced to watch from afar because you can bet your butt that your partner will not be excited to bring any kid around them if you ever have any.
My husband’s mom made the mistake of being a jerk to me in our first interaction, and she showed me her true colors, and I will never forget that and I will never like or trust her now. I don’t prevent my husband from having a relationship with her, but I never will.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your family for being aggressive.
Your partner for trying to cut you off.
You for being passive.
Also, I am 99.999% sure that if you move in together you are going to be posting ‘AITJ, she wants to be a stay-at-home mom even though no kids in the picture?’
So I’m not sure how much of this is your family trying to prevent a future as a meal ticket.
As other people have pointed out, college or even paid work isn’t the only way, but she doesn’t seem excited about a trade or business or keeping home or children. Exactly what is the future with a person who lives in the moment and likes to party?” HeadWolf69
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