People Are Itching To Know If They Were The Jerk In These Stories
16. AITJ For Believing My Sister Is A Bad Mom?
I’m 25f and my sister L is 19. 8 months ago she gave birth to my nephew A, and I adore him. But I know what my sister is like, and I told her that under no circumstances will I be babysitting until he is older for lots of reasons and she agreed to my terms.
Here’s the thing, L is a bad mum.
Everyone in my family has said so and everyone has had words with her about it but she is one of those “don’t tell me how to parent my child” people. She always has other people watching him, and uses him as an accessory, example: L went food shopping with my stepmom and made her carry all the bags home because putting any in the pram would “ruin the aesthetic.” She’s overfed A because she thinks “fat kids are cute” and he’s overweight for his age (doctor’s words).
She lives with my dad and doesn’t have a job, my dad pays for everything. she uses him to get attention and she’s always creating drama around A and his dad, there’s always something going on it’s exhausting.
Lately, L started seeing men again, she asked me to take A for a night. I said no; I had plans anyway.
She told me his feeding and sleeping schedule, I said no. She tried guilt-tripping me then bargaining and then eventually called me a bad aunt and that I don’t care about A. I said no I don’t care about your plans. An argument followed and escalated, I lost it and told her she needs to grow up, get a job and take care of her child properly.
Here’s where I think I may be the jerk; in the heat of the moment while we were shouting, I said “you shouldn’t have had a child if you weren’t ready to be a parent so get your crap together.” The argument didn’t end there but I did feel bad about that statement. I got texts from a few family members about what I said but I think they’ve been told out of context, I’ve only replied to two.
Everyone is saying what I said was out of line and not necessary. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Hmm. What you said was a little bit out of line. But I think NTJ.
It does sound like she is a bad mother.
You said your family has said similar stuff. So why are they so mad at you – they clearly agree with you.
Plus you were very clear on your boundaries of not wanting to babysit your nephew.
Maybe it could have been handled differently. But it sounds like she really needs/needed a wake-up call. She has a responsibility to her kid.
Like imagine if (god forbid) something happens to your dad and he can no longer support her.
What’s going to happen to her and your nephew?
Is she going to palm him off on you or other family members?
She needs to understand that she has another life to look after, protect and nurture. Sometimes a verbal slap in the face from someone you love is something you need.
Hopefully in the long run good things will come out of your words.
Though she might not forgive you easily. So you might want to apologize – but emphasize that you set boundaries and she is being irresponsible with your nephew.
NTJ.” 2020_MadeMeDoIt
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, I think it’s unrealistic to expect a teen to have parenting figured out when they don’t even know themselves yet, and yes idealistically, we should wait to have children, but teenagers are not known for making the best of decisions so it is what it is.
However, where you cross a line is when you say what you said, as it serves no other purpose than to cut someone down. She can’t go back and not be a parent, just like you can’t squeeze toothpaste back into a tube, and for that part, YTJ.” QAndOne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
What you said may have been harsh, but it sounds like the harsh blow she needed and you’re right. If she got pregnant on purpose she shouldn’t have had a child if she wasn’t ready to be a parent, and she’s not being a responsible parent. I saw in another comment you posted that she wanted to be a young mum and get benefits.
That’s just another example of her using her son. If she’s not listening to reason it might be time to do what’s best for the baby and talk to cps.” alfresco-orchid
15. AITJ For Kicking My Sister-In-Law Out Of My Party For Commenting On Our Diet?
“I (F30) live with my partner Nate (M32). We have two children together, (M7) and (F5).
Nate and I are vegetarians. We’ve both been vegetarians since we were teenagers, due to our moral standpoints.
Not everyone agrees with it but we’ve raised our children on a balanced vegetarian diet. Eating meat doesn’t have to be the default diet for a child, and if they choose to eat meat when they grow up we would respect their choice and wouldn’t hold it against them.
Nate’s sister, Holly (F36) is very against us not feeding our kids a meat-centered diet.
She is judgemental of vegetarians and vegans in general and thinks that we’re all malnourished and dying. She frequently makes rude comments to Nate and me about it.
I personally don’t like Holly. I think she’s incapable of minding her own business and just not very nice.
Nate doesn’t get along with Holly and has admitted to me that he only spends time with her as an adult because if they don’t have a relationship it would make their parents sad.
It’s obviously an unhealthy dynamic.
A few days ago, we had a family get-together party at our house.
Holly, her husband (M38), and their three sons (M12), (M10), and (M7) all attended.
After a couple of hours, Holly says her boys are hungry.
I told Holly I have some Quorn “chicken” nuggets in the freezer I could cook.
Holly gave me a dirty look and loudly announced that her sons “won’t eat that rubbish filled with deadly poison” whilst waving the packet around.
My daughter started crying and panicking because she heard this. This seems random so let me say she ate those nuggets the night before and watched a documentary about poisonous frogs recently, and her 5-year-old brain thought she ate poisonous frogs because of what Holly said, and thought she needed to go to the hospital.
My husband comforted my daughter in another room, and I told Holly there was no reason for her to be so rude about it. Holly went on another rant about how horrible veggie diets are and how we’re terrible for not feeding our kids meat, and that my daughter crying was evidence of it.
I calmly told Holly she needs to leave because she was out of line.
Holly tried to talk over me and I yelled, telling her to leave with her family.
They all left but Holly blocked Nate and me on everything. Nate understands my reaction but is quite upset about the situation.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but you don’t have a Holly problem, you have a Nate problem.
He needs to figure out and commit to some sort of boundary with Holly. There is room for compromise on where it is but it has to exist, and he has to be the one to enforce it.
It could be ‘total no contact’, something softer like ‘only see her at his parents’ house for potluck meals’ or something softer still like ‘from now on we just feed our own kids and don’t discuss what we are feeding them.’ Whatever it is Nate tells her and Nate enforces it.
Nate doesn’t get to run away and leave you to be the bad cop.
Also to be clear, Holly deliberately picked this fight by asking you to feed her kids. She will keep picking fights and escalating them until Nate steps up.” jbwise1221
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were a good host and offered what you had available for her kids.
She is the one who acted out and started the whole ruckus. Waving food around and yelling terms like “poisonous.” Really, it sounds like she was trying to start a fight.
If your brother only puts up with Holly so his parents aren’t sad, can you reduce the time your families are exposed to each other to only events where his parents are present?
I was a single mom for several years and when my 2 & 3-year-olds refused to eat meat, I didn’t push it. Heck, it was easier prepping vegetarian meals; I also went vegetarian as well. We did that for 3-4 years? And guess what? We were fine! Of course, I did homework to ensure they got the right foods for protein, vitamins, etc. Your SIL is a bit crazy.
I hope your daughter is okay now.” Huge_Industry_1259
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m a happy carnivore, but I very much respect your commitment to making your diet choices based on your moral principles.
I don’t understand your “know-it-all” sister-in-law making a big deal out of it. If your kids’ pediatrician thinks they are getting a healthy diet and growing at expected rates, then her concerns have no basis in reality.
She has disrespected you and your husband in your own house, in front of your children. She has scared your child.
You just did a little housecleaning. You took out the trash.” JazzyKnowsBest13
14. AITJ For Declining An Invite To My Sister's Wedding Unless She Lets Me Bring A Plus One?
“So my (26M) sister Jane (28F) is getting married this winter. I’ve been invited as a solo guest. No plus one. So I called my sister and asked if it was correct. Because every other person I talked to had a plus one, including other single people. And she said it was because of her friend Zoe (27F).
So backstory time I guess. My sister and I aren’t the closest. But recently have been getting along better. About a year ago I was back home for my sister’s engagement party. I noticed her friend Zoe and immediately was into her. I struck up a conversation and she seemed interested. So I asked my sister what the situation is.
And she told me to stay away as I wasn’t her type. I asked what she meant and she told me to go ahead and see for myself. Ended up getting Zoe’s number and we texted for a few weeks. Went out twice and that was pretty much it. She was very religious.
She was a virgin and said she didn’t drink. She was kinda boring to be honest. Just wanted to find a husband and have kids. She also wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, which is something I don’t want. We just had very different lifestyles and goals. I kinda let it fizzle after the second one.
The last message however I sent was stupid and I admit it. I got really intoxicated one night and hit her up at like 2 am asking if she wanted to come over. No response. Never texted again.
Now here we are a year later. And my sister is telling me she can’t give me a plus one because of Zoe.
I demanded to know why. She said she and Zoe talked and it was her decision so I needed to get over it. I asked if Zoe was getting a plus 1 and she said yes. I said how unfair that was. And how I was planning to take a week off work and spend hundreds on clothes, gifts, a hotel, and a plane ticket to see her get married. And she is giving me a solo invite in return?
She told me to get over it. So I told her to have a great wedding then. She tried arguing but I told her I was done and hung up. Well then came the barrage of calls. My mom especially is livid. Saying she wants her whole family in attendance. I told her what was going on.
She said yes my sister is out of line but also it is her place to be. So I needed to suck it up for one week. I said that I wasn’t spending close to a thousand dollars to be treated differently. My family is livid and still calling me to reconsider as of tonight.
My sister’s fiancé even called. But I think this is an unfair situation where I’m being railroaded. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. And here’s why.
You don’t mention a partner or significant other you want to bring. You don’t say anything about getting excluded and feeling lonely at the wedding. You are offended about the principle of the thing.
And you are absolutely right on principle, but this principle isn’t important enough to skip your sister’s wedding. You created this messy situation, you could have just stayed away from Zoe as warned, and then not sent intoxicated texts.
Your sister is a jerk for doing this. Even though she DID warn you not to get involved with Zoe.
You caused a situation that she’s had to deal with the fallout from, which Zoe clearly still has feelings about, so I get that she’s mad. But she still shouldn’t have agreed to this.
Your family sucks if they are not telling your sister she’s being a jerk, but frankly, they have little power here.
You and your sister haven’t been close. You did your part in creating this situation. Be the hero and do your part to mend the situation rather than make it worse.” Sweet_Cinnabonn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is taking the side of your ex and punishing you for breaking up with her. Honestly, this is a good enough reason not to attend your sister’s wedding, because if she’s saying she prioritizes this relationship with Zoe over treating you with the decency that you deserve, cause it is indecent that she is specifically targeting and saying that you can’t have a plus one because you chose not to be in a relationship with Zoe, you aren’t going to be treated right when you go.
If this is already the step forward your sister is making in planning the wedding, you’re not gonna be able to freely enjoy the event itself and party because this is all a setup. Don’t go.
You shouldn’t spend that much to not have a good time, and getting married is not an excuse for your sister to treat you like dirt, and you need to see that your whole family is being flying monkeys saying that it’s acceptable for you to be treated without respect.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The rules aren’t fair, but raising heck over a plus one to your sister’s wedding, when you really won’t need one and are expected to attend, will make you look like the jerk.
Also, you started pursuing your sister’s friend at your sister’s engagement party. Your sister warned you that Zoe wasn’t your type.
She gave you her number to really warn you off. You went out twice, realized that you weren’t into Zoe, ghosted her (let it fizzle, really?), and then tried to hit her up at 2 AM while intoxicated.
Yeah, your sister is punishing you for treating her friend poorly when your interest stemmed from your sister’s wedding event.
You’re the jerk that Zoe is going to recall decades down the line, and your sister is sympathizing with her mistreated friend over you. Take the loss on this one and learn to listen to your sister AND respect your date’s boundaries next time. You don’t need a plus one to your sister’s wedding.” glimpseeowyn
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Zoe and your sister are being ridiculous for not giving you a plus one.
You’re being ridiculous for caring in the first place, let alone making a tremendous fuss and refusing to attend the wedding.
A random plus one at an immediate family member’s wedding? Lol.
Do you even have someone to bring, as in, someone you’re actually in a relationship with?
Or would you bring someone for the sake of bringing someone?
Like, a plus one would be, what, a random date, in a city where that person doesn’t live, attending a wedding where that person doesn’t know anyone, who would also be buying plane tickets and clothes and taking off work?
Meanwhile, if someone in your immediate family is getting married you’re going to be ridiculously busy anyway.
Loads of last-minute errands and checking on Great Aunt Diane, plus posing for photos.
Any plus one you would have brought would mostly be twiddling their thumbs or having awkward conversations with random relatives.
Like, I see why you’re bothered, your sister is super nuts, but this is a dumb hill to die on.
The principle of the thing isn’t that important – think about the practicalities.” rotatingruhnama
13. AITJ For Not Telling My Mom That She Is A Grandmother?
“I (23f) was put in foster care when I was 10. I bounced around a bit before eventually finding a placement at the age of 13, and being adopted by them at 15.
I can honestly say that I had some behavioral issues when I came into my adoptive dads’ lives. I acted out a lot in the first few years and made a few interesting choices. One of those choices resulted in me getting pregnant right before my adoption was finalized. I thought for sure my new parents would want nothing to do with me, and that I had effectively screwed everything up for myself, but thankfully they didn’t give up on me.
When I told them about the baby, the first thing they did was assure me that everything was going to be okay and that any decision I made about this was one that they’d respect.
I ended up allowing my adoptive parents to adopt my son as well. He’s 8 now, and he knows that I’m his bio mom, he even calls me mom, but we don’t have a typical mother/son bond.
I wanted to give him his best chance in life, and I knew that I wasn’t going to be a good mom to him when I still had so much to heal from. The best thing for him was to be with people who could take care of him and who would love him unconditionally.
I’m very grateful to my dads for taking me in when they didn’t have to, and for opening their home yet again for my child. I owe them the world for it honestly, and I’ll never stop thanking them.
My bio mom got into much more frequent contact with me a few months ago.
We didn’t talk much after I was put in the system, but now that I’m an adult, things are different. She’s turned her life around completely and she’s doing much better than she was when I last saw her. She said she wanted to catch up in person, so we met at a little breakfast place to talk face-to-face for the first time in years.
The lock screen on my phone happens to be a picture of my son and me, so when I set the phone on the table, she saw it and asked who the boy in the picture was. I told her that he was my adoptive parents’ youngest child.
After we parted ways, she found my social media and was able to figure out pretty quickly that the kid on my phone was actually my bio son.
She texted me, with screenshots of the post she saw, seeming pretty outraged at the fact that I’d kept his existence from her. She said that she had a right to know that she had been a grandmother all these years and that I was wrong for never bringing him up in our past convos.
I haven’t responded to the messages or anything. I don’t want to explain myself to her. My adoptive parents respected my choice, but they also think it was a little wrong of me to never mention him to her in the months that we’ve been reconnected, and that her finding out that I lied might set our relationship back.
So, AITJ for lying to her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to do what brings you a feeling of safety and comfort. You didn’t tell your bio mother because you didn’t want to. Your decision. Your bio mother doesn’t get to dictate your actions – EVER. Remember that. Also, you are just getting to know her, so of course you feel vulnerable and resistant to trust her after all you’ve been through.
When you feel up to it, call your mother and let her know you need to talk and she needs to just listen. Outline all you’ve been through in your life, including getting pregnant when you were very young. Tell her you don’t really know her and don’t feel comfortable bringing your son into this relationship at this point.
It is your call, not hers. If she can’t respect your boundaries, give her some distance. You deserve respect and comfort in your life. Best of luck!” No_Pepper_3676
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dads sound wonderful! I hope you remember you and your son have brought a great deal of joy to them as well.
It’s great your bio-mom has sorted herself out a lot and you are in gentle contact. She’s acting out because she’s hurt. However, she hurt you and that hurt lasted years. You are working towards a more trusting relationship but that’s going to take time and even if it hurts her that you didn’t tell her he’s your son, she needs to understand that you weren’t ready to do that.
You aren’t the jerk because it’s 100% up to you to choose when you felt comfortable enough to tell her. You didn’t lie! You told a truth, just not the whole truth. I’m sorry the decision was taken out of your hands, and that she’s upsetting you by being angry and upset herself.
I’m sorry your adoptive parents have made you feel you might have been wrong for withholding information. But I think they are just being the warm empathetic people they are. You could tell them, “I just wasn’t ready yet. It’s only been a few months and I’m still healing from the years of hurt.
I’m sad you think that was wrong.”
Sending big hugs.” ItisntRocketSurgery
Another User Comments:
“She isn’t a grandmother. I understand the adoption is an unconventional one, but your bio son is not your son anymore, at least in a legal sense. He has two fathers, and neither is related to your mother. Maybe one day you’ll be healed and have a child of your own, but this one isn’t your son, technically, so she isn’t a grandmother and you didn’t lie.
She also is not entitled to anything about you and if I were you I would very quickly remind her that as soon as she left you to foster care, she lost the right to anything about your life and she needs to be very careful because if she oversteps her place, she won’t HAVE a place in your life anymore.” MagicCarpet5846
12. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Friend Prepare For Finals By Lending Her My Notes?
“This all happened back in June. For context, I (21F) spent most of last semester rooming with this girl (20F) who I used to call my friend, as we’re both studying at the same college. I’ll call her Jane.
Now, Jane and I have known each other since high school. And back then, she used to be the hard-working high achiever with perfect grades, while I spent most of my time making stupid jokes and slacking off.
Despite this, our different personalities seemed to complement each other, so we got on well.
This all changed very suddenly once we entered college. I quickly realized my high school shenanigans weren’t gonna fly anymore and started putting actual effort into studying for my classes, while Jane seemed to stop caring about anything college-related altogether.
She gradually stopped going to her classes and taking notes, instead spending more and more time either sleeping in her room, scrolling through her phone, or just doing nothing in particular. And I tried to get her out of the house more, asked her to go biking together, offered to take her along every time I went on a walk, stuff like that.
But she refused every single time, so I eventually gave up.
This June, we had our final exams. And there was a heck ton of them, so I started studying a month or so in advance. But Jane just… didn’t. She had only gone to most of her classes once or twice during the whole semester, hadn’t taken any notes but didn’t seem to care, and didn’t even want to look at any syllabus.
I asked her if she wanted to study together a few times, but she just said no and asked me to leave her alone. So I did.
Two days before our first exam, however, she suddenly went into panic mode. Started pacing around her room while crying, frantically emailed all her profs in the middle of the night to ask for the course material, and asked me for all the notes I’d taken during that whole semester.
And at that moment, I was so angry and bitter that I refused to give her any notes at all. It just didn’t seem fair to give all the notes and material I’d worked so hard for to someone who’d spent an entire semester doing absolutely nothing, and to this day I still can’t bring myself to feel bad about it.
Jane got extremely upset and started yelling and crying and all that. And this whole fiasco ended with her failing several of her exams, while I passed all of mine with average to good grades. She stopped talking to me after that, and I just assumed that would be the end of our friendship.
A few days ago, however, her mom called my mom (our moms know each other pretty well) and started going off on her.
Apparently, my friend had only now told her mom about her failed exams, and she blamed me for the whole thing. Called me selfish and cruel, told my mom I was the reason my friend failed her exams, and so on. It was only when my mom took her side that I started to really wonder if I may have been the jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your friend sounds like she was depressed. Sometimes the best students in high school struggle a lot in college because they go from being one of the smartest in their high school classes to just average or below average in college classrooms. That combined with other things they might be experiencing – homesickness, insecurities, etc. You’re NTJ, I don’t think it’s right for her to shift the blame onto you when it’s purely on her.
I will say that I’ve never hesitated to share my notes with friends in similar situations because while note-taking is something that someone responsible puts a lot of work into, I’ve been around depressed people enough to understand that sometimes it’s not that you don’t want to do something – it’s just almost impossible to muster up the motivation to do it even when the consequences are great.
In your shoes, I would’ve given her the notes for her to study because, in the end, she still has to take the test on her own, but still, NTJ for choosing not to.” lobosaguila
Another User Comments:
“I’m actually going to say YTJ. Simply because how would her scanning your notes to study have put you out or hurt you in any way?
Sure she didn’t put in the work and honestly the way you described her seems like she needs professional help.” kataastrophic
Another User Comments:
“As others have mentioned your friend was going through depression and the signs were there.
As someone who went through depression in the third semester of my studies, I’m glad my friends didn’t abandon me while I was literally doing nothing and had no mood or will to attend the classes.
I just couldn’t. They realized and gave me the space I needed and also handed me the notes they had taken even if I didn’t ask them to. And most of them I knew for only a year.
Your friend was having a hard time and maybe she didn’t realize the exam time had arrived till it was a bit late.
Yet, she asked for help understanding that she had lost precious time. Maybe your notes would have helped her, maybe not because it was too late. You don’t know that because you decided to “revenge” her and not help her. Maybe you were afraid that she would succeed even though she only spent 1% of your time studying while u gave so much effort?
Maybe you got mad at her because she was constantly rejecting you and you decided to pay her back with the same coin? Dunno.
Only you know why – When you had offered help before – you decided to go back on that.
So, yeah, for me you’re kinda the jerk. Even if the notes wouldn’t have helped her because it was too late you would have shown her that you’re still here for her and wanted to help her.
P.S. Please don’t tell us you didn’t realize she was depressed and all. Nowadays with all the information on the Internet, it’s very easy to detect that. Your friend was not acting like she used to and basically spent a huge period of time just doing nothing. It’s important to show people who are depressed that they can take their time to heal and we’re still here to help.” Low_Actuator_3532
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They were your notes, and you had no obligation to share them. She was depressed.
It wouldn’t have mattered if you gave them to her or not, because she wouldn’t be able to cram a semester into 2 days of study.
I would point out to your mother that she only asked for the notes 2 days before finals.
For the future, though, if something like that happens again with someone else, put a bug in the RA’s ear. It’s hard to know when you are just out of high school what is depression and what is going crazy because there is no one to stop you.” Working-on-it12
11. AITJ For Attending A Friend's Baby Shower Shortly After My Sister Refused To Let Anyone Host Herself One?
They’re lucky she and her sister even showed up.
“Last year, my sister was pregnant (we’re 25 & 26F). She had several miscarriages before this but this was her longest pregnancy.
We’ve been really close our whole lives and we share a friend group of 8 other women so when our friends started planning a baby shower, they came to me about it. At first, I tried to let them down gently with explanations but after weeks of pushing, I put my foot down – the answer was a hard no.
My family is Jewish; we do not do baby showers. It’s a cultural superstition to not buy things for the baby before their arrival but our personal feelings are that it’s not exactly about bad luck – it’s a grim practicality to protect your heart. Especially in a situation like my sister’s.
My sister did not want a baby shower, did not want gifts dropped off before the birth, nothing.
We explained so many times but some of the girls really acted like it was a personal slight. They said they just wanted Nora to experience a happy pregnancy and that we were making them feel bad about wanting to do something totally normal. They said we helped to plan Gina’s shower the year before and didn’t say anything so why was it different now?
It almost split the friend group; these were our childhood friends and a couple of them said some things that really teetered on the edge of antisemitism. Eventually, they started to let it go and our relationship began recovering.
My sister lost her baby at 28 weeks. It was a terrible time and I’m grateful that our friendships healed in time because I don’t know what we would’ve done without them.
They were an amazing support system and we will always be thankful that they were there.
Now our friend Mia is pregnant and they of course planned a shower for her, which was yesterday. My sister and I weren’t asked to help plan which is totally fine but we were invited. We arrived with our gifts and two of the girls (the 2 that pushed hardest over my sister’s shower) pull us into another room and started calling us hypocrites, we were clearly willing to participate in other traditions so we needed to tell them the real reason we refused the shower.
Nora started crying, I was livid, and it became a full argument. It was escalating to screaming levels and I didn’t want to ruin things for Mia, so I got Nora in the car and left.
It all came out in the group chat and now it hasn’t stopped. It’s a giant mess of arguments, accusations, and taking sides.
The most popular opinion is that we are drawing arbitrary lines in the sand. Everyone is calling or texting. It’s overwhelming and my sister is starting to think that they’re right and we were hypocritical to go at all.
Nora wants us to drop it, say what we need to say to smooth things over, and just not go to any in the future but I’m not willing to drop it for anything less than a massive apology.
But she is still crying and I don’t want to hurt her more so I need to know if I’m a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Culture and religion are personal… but honestly, in my opinion, you have nailed it. Your religion means you cannot do it for yourself, but you have not tried to enforce that on others.
They on the other hand are trying to force you to follow their religion/culture.
If more people were behaving like you, there would be so much less conflict. It is how I see all the big issues… Don’t want a gay marriage, don’t have one, but don’t try and stop others. Don’t want kids, fine, but don’t try and stop others.
There is a huge difference between having a baby shower for yourself and attending someone else’s.
I would never get married in a church, but I have attended church weddings. I would never Baptise my child but I have attended other people’s children’s baptisms. I go to support my loved ones in what they value and choose, even if it is not what I would choose for myself.
This is exactly what you and your sister did and it is the key to a healthy relationship between those of different faiths.
P.s., I am so sorry for your sister’s loss and yours.”squirlysquirel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I hate when people demand wronged parties to apologize to ‘smooth things over.’
You’re not a hypocrite!
One thing has nothing to do with another. You are simply celebrating the way you want to, as are they. You attend events because you are invited and because the event is about them, not you.
Insisting someone have an event is rude. It makes the event about the invitees, not the guest of honor.
I had a coworker, who is Jewish, who told us about that tradition when his wife was pregnant. The rest of us are Christian. Guess what we did? We waited until the baby was born to give him gifts. When another coworker was pregnant, we gave her gifts before the baby was born. It’s really not that hard.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m even more sorry for your sister. Your sister was extremely kind to put on a smile and attend something triggering like a baby shower especially when she had lost her baby and experienced multiple miscarriages. The fact that she did this to support her friend speaks volumes in terms of her character.
I’m Jewish too, and just because we don’t do baby showers it doesn’t mean that we won’t support our non-Jewish friends by showing up. The two “friends” who lost their crap and called you hypocrites were out of line and just wanted to start drama. I mean it takes a special breed of cruelty to literally shame a woman who just lost her child for not accepting a party, and another level of crap stirrer to then pull guests away from a party to call them hypocrites to start a fight at someone else’s celebration.
Personally, I’d cut them loose and go no contact with these people, however, if your sister wants to remain friends with these vile women, that’s her prerogative. You are a separate entity from your sister and you are not obligated to remain friends with these people. Maybe your sister will come around but I would let her make her own decisions.
In the meantime support your sister and seek more meaningful friendships with people who aren’t antisemitic or crappy.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I hope your sister cuts this friend group loose soon.” Shankasaurusrex
10. AITJ For Telling My Pregnant Friend That We Will Never Be Family?
“I (29F) went to university and made a friend that we’ll call Laura (29F). Laura was from a small town and didn’t have many friends so she latched onto me pretty tightly. I do really like her but she saw me as a best friend and I only saw her as a close friend.
Having moved back to our respective cities we don’t see much of each other anymore.
I got married 6ish weeks ago (ETA: been with my now husband for 15 years) and I invited Laura. Laura ended up sleeping with my husband’s brother “Liam” (24M). I admit I raised my eyebrows at this but we’re all adults and I thought that was that.
Nope. Last week Laura called me and said she had news. She told me that she was pregnant and that it can only be Liam’s baby. She asked for Liam’s phone number so that she could tell him. I offered to be there for her in any way that I could but I genuinely did not think she would keep the baby.
Less than an hour later my husband phoned me (he was at work and I hadn’t yet told him the news) stating that Liam had called him distraught and stressed and scared. He said Liam told him Laura said she was keeping the baby and that she was willing to move to our city so that he could be closer to their child.
For the past week, she has been calling me saying that she’s excited for Liam to get to know her better, that she’s so happy I’m going to be an auntie to her baby, and asking me to help her look for flats near my home. I couldn’t listen to her excitement whilst watching Liam’s despair grow and eventually I just stopped answering the phone.
Well, two nights ago she turned up at my home unannounced with an overnight bag in hand. I asked why she was here and she said that we’re family now and that family helps family. Here is where I may be the jerk. I snapped and told her we weren’t family and that we would never be family, that her trying to force her way into the “Cooper” family through an unplanned one-night-stand baby is not the same as marrying into it.
I told her to get whatever fantasy she had conjured of Liam falling in love with her out of her head and to accept that he does not want this baby as it will ruin his life.
She didn’t say a word to me, she just turned and walked away from my front door.
I’ve tried calling her since but she’s not answering the phone. Earlier today I got a call from a mutual friend telling me that Laura has said she may not keep the baby as she doesn’t want to be tied to such toxic people.
Apparently, she texted Liam the same thing and now my in-laws are mad that I convinced her to get rid of their first grandchild and my SIL said I’m just jealous I wasn’t having the first Cooper baby (which isn’t true at all).
So, AITJ for getting involved in the situation?”
Another User comments:
“ESH.
Liam is a big boy. He screwed up and although his anxiety is understandable, it’s his problem to deal with. You don’t need to defend him.
You were cruel to Laura. Although her showing up on your doorstep was overstepping (and I’ll get to that in a minute) what you said was rude.
At no point did you have an adult conversation about things. “Wow Laura, I’m happy you’re so excited, but things are moving really fast here,” etc. From her standpoint, you just snapped at her out of the blue and told her that having an entire baby does not give her the same legitimacy of being a “Cooper” as you marrying into it.
By the way, super crappy and elitist thing to say.
Laura is…acting a little strange, I’ll give you that. Your wedding was six weeks ago, and that is extremely early for a pregnancy to be announced to everyone like that. I’m honestly shocked she even knows she’s pregnant. It is really odd to be so set on having a baby with a man who obviously does not want to raise said baby with you, ignore his distress, but suddenly wants to get rid of the baby when said man’s sister-in-law gets mad at you.
Also, showing up on your doorstep with an overnight bag without asking was a huge overstep and not cool.” lordliv
Another User comments:
“This feels very single white female.
I would wager a guess that she sought out your husband’s brother purposefully because she hoped it would lead to her being back in your life, which is evident by her just showing up at your house like that…completely unannounced.
Who does that?
My best friend of 25 years lives 5 miles away from me and I don’t just stop by unannounced.
I am not one to make broad assumptions but her going from “I am going to raise this baby with Liam and we will be one big happy family with you being the baby’s aunt” really feels like her faking a pregnancy, trying to get into your life, and then “losing” the baby so you could be there for her during the trauma…thus becoming besties again.
Liam would probably bail at that point but you would be there for her…which seems to be what she wanted.
Because her going from happy to have this child to no longer wanting it, all over one argument and without talking to Liam, really makes my spider sense tingle.
NTJ.” The__Riker__Maneuver
Another User comments:
“YTJ. There were so many other ways to tell her that he wasn’t ready to be a father and that she was going to have to do this on her own but you went full scorched earth on this girl. You could have just turned her away and said that it wasn’t your business and unfortunately you couldn’t accommodate her stay.
They both used protection and it failed and she has every right to keep the pregnancy if she wanted to. If Liam doesn’t want his life ruined by potential contraceptive failures maybe he should look into a vasectomy.
Also your little “you’ll never be a part of this family because you were just a quick lay and not a wife” was unnecessarily cruel.
Because had the baby been born it would have been as much a Cooper as you if not more. So deal with your in-laws’ disgust of you and know this all could have been prevented had you just kept your opinions to yourself.
The only thing this girl did wrong was think you any semblance of a friend to her and be excited over a pregnancy no matter how misguided all this turned out to be.” PeteyPorkchops
Another User comments:
“ESH –
Liam for hooking up with a stranger and not being ready for the consequences. And for being a self-pitying baby about it all.
Laura for blabbing her and Liam’s business all over the place. Also for not listening to him when he directly told her he did not want to have kids with her (I don’t know if he ever told her directly or not).
Whoever told the potential grandparents and family. This is just not their business yet until Laura and Liam get their crap together and make some decisions. But they need to collectively decide what is going to happen and how they are going to announce a pregnancy or let the matter drop should Laura choose to terminate.
You, for looking at a pregnant and mentally unstable person on your doorstep and saying some vicious things. With friends like you, Laura doesn’t need enemies. Totally not your place to determine what place Laura has in Liam’s life or how a baby will affect Liam’s life. Not your place and you were horrifically unkind to her for craps and giggles, I guess.
Your in-laws. If Laura can decide to not end up having the baby because you were a jerk, then she wasn’t committed to parenthood anyway. So to blame you is ridiculous.” TexasLiz1
9. AITJ For Refusing To Follow My Housemate's Rule?
“I 39M rent with two others in a home. One is my recent ex-wife 39F, and the other is a 35M who’s a good friend and moved in this summer. My ex and I recently separated due to her infidelity, but I’m letting her get her finances in order so she can move to her own place.
Regardless of how she disrespected our marriage, I still won’t have her be homeless and not at least set her up for success once she’s gone. I have given her a hard deadline to leave though.
Anyway, we had a previous housemate for 5 years and the ex made a house rule that we had to tell everyone when guests are over regardless of if we were home or not.
Not really unreasonable, but she cited it as being for her own peace of mind. Wasn’t much of a sacrifice so my old housemate agreed, and she was my wife so not like I could argue, haha.
One time she had a friend over while both of us were away, and she didn’t inform us.
Honestly, I wouldn’t have cared, but it’s her rule. My housemate messaged me furious over her breaking her OWN house rule. I hated the hypocrisy of it too because if my friend popped by randomly, it’d be a lecture about her feelings of insecurity and safety.
It’s important to note she’s more than great as a host for any guests, so she’s not a monster.
So today both of us dudes are gone and I see a notification that someone is outside our home. It’s a guy I don’t know. I figured it’s a friend of hers dropping something off. However, he stayed for the day. So I messaged “why’s there a stranger in my home without notification?”
She replied it was her work friend she’s been chatting with. Cool, I think it’s her partner, they talk a ton, and I’m more than happy if she’s moved on. Sooner she can move out if someone else takes her honestly. However, I’m annoyed at her hypocrisy of not informing us as per her own rules.
Just a month ago my best friend (best man at our wedding) came to take me to dinner as we usually do, and he came into the house to pee. She sent me a long text lecturing me about the house rule. Keep in mind we’ve already separated. I apologized and moved on.
So today I said I’m not listening to the rule anymore and don’t need lectures since she can’t follow it herself.
She got mad saying I’m being unreasonable because she made a mistake. No, I’m annoyed because I get torn to bits for someone needing to pee, but she’s got yet another stranger in the home. She started telling me he was sad about things and needed a friend. Awesome, I don’t care why, she’s a tenant of the home.
I hope she has a great time. But moving forward don’t send me a book about why I’m a jerk for not giving notice.
Yes, she’s moving eventually, not the issue. No, I don’t love her, but I’m not mistreating her. But AITJ for reacting?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Now that you are splitting up and she’s a tenant, it’s YOUR HOUSE YOUR RULES.
If she doesn’t like it, she can find elsewhere to be, but you aren’t kicking her out, you are just telling her that it’s your house and your rules and you can have guests by your house whenever you want. Honestly, I’d tell her that I’d like to know who and when someone is over, that way if things are missing or damaged, I know who to go to.” elvaholt
Another User Comments:
“I’m confused. This isn’t the person’s own place, they’re simply a tenant just like you? In that case obviously NTJ. You get to invite guests to the place you pay rent for. Sure, not loads of them every day, and sure, obviously they should behave. And they shouldn’t enter premises that aren’t yours/common.
But apart from that, roommates having guests over is part of the deal when you live together. You’re right: announcing is nice but not mandatory. If they don’t like it, they need to rent something for themselves.” SabatonEnjoyer_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and she needs to be called out for being a hypocrite. I’d take her breaking the rule as this isn’t a rule anymore for you or your roommate and call her out if she gives you a lecture.
Say something like you don’t follow this rule and while roommate and I won’t have people over constantly as it’s rude you no longer get to have rules you don’t follow yourself. All we asked was for you to tell us about guests. You couldn’t even send a text, and you’ve done this repeatedly while tearing me down for doing much less.
This is no longer a rule you’re allowed to have.” BooksAndStarsLover
8. WIBTJ If I Blocked My Mom From Accessing The Funds She Won For Me?
“My (18f) dad died due to medical malpractice when I was 7. My mom (46f) sued the heck out of the hospital. To keep things brief, we ended up settling after a 5-year long lawsuit. We settled with an annuity that I get in settlements every year on my birthday starting last year on my 18th and going until I’m 22.
My mom always made sure to tell me that the funds I’m getting were won FOR me and ONLY me. I’m currently using the funds to pay for college. Not one cent has come out of my mom’s or her husband’s pocket to pay for my education. I love my mom to death she’s some of the little family I have left and she has tried to give me the best life she can considering our circumstances.
But with that being said, she has a spending problem. Always has and probably always will.
I turned 18 last October, so I got my first payment from the lawsuit. I have a joint checking account with my mom from when I was in high school. So, she deposited the check into our shared account so she has full legal access to the funds.
Well, a woman with a spending problem and access to a larger portion of the funds is a recipe for disaster. From the moment the funds hit my account, there have been very consistent transfers of funds at least 2-5 times a month of no less than $100. Occasionally there’ll be a bigger transaction that’s usually for her credit cards.
In December my mom’s husband’s mom died and they needed a flight out asap to go deal with family issues. I was okay with allowing him to use my funds because I knew he’d pay me back. He’s very diligent when it comes to funds. It’s now August and I still haven’t seen any of the funds he used for the plane ticket.
It was over $2,000 for both of their tickets. I asked my mom why he hasn’t paid me back and she told me that he did he just gave the funds to her to give to me but she used it to pay off her credit card debt. She told me it wasn’t a big deal because I would be getting funds from the VA (veterans affairs) as well to help pay for my school.
Altogether, my mom has taken about $6,000 from me and I have little from the initial payment in October. I need these funds to pay off student loans and so that I wouldn’t have to get a job for now and I could focus on my studies. I had to get a job in February because I couldn’t afford to support both my mom and myself.
I decided that this October I was going to make another account without my mom on it and transfer the entirety of the check that I’ll be getting out of the joint account and into the other one. I’m going to leave whatever is left over from last year’s check and my mom can use it until it runs out.
I know if I don’t do this, I’m never going to be able to pay off my school and I will be in debt for a really long time.
WIBTJ if I were to move the money into my account preventing my mom from taking it whenever she wants? I feel bad because this is my mother we’re talking about and I feel like the least I can do is let her have the funds that she won for me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Attorney here. Your mom almost certainly received her own, presumably larger, lump sum payment when you were about 12 years old. Did you notice any new purchases then or have any knowledge surrounding that?
The average med-mal settlements are usually in the hundreds of thousands of bucks and can get into the millions if the malpractice results in a patient’s death.
So where in the world did her settlement go? And also, if your payment in October was slightly over $6,000, and the annuity lasts four years, then your settlement would be on the very low end for these types of cases. From your language, I’d assume you probably have about $50,000 coming to you; but no need to confirm.
Prior to your 18th birthday, and in most cases, your mom would have had to petition the Court to withdraw funds. I would be wondering if she has, and be confirming the actual amount and terms contained in the settlement. Joint Plaintiffs are entitled to this information, especially when there is a question of unequal distribution.
If she’s already taken $6000 from your October deposit, and you have “little left” from that alone, that doesn’t really add up when you consider the amount for which these cases are usually settled.” ghostdogtheconquerer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mother is a thief, it is as simple as that.
She said herself that the funds were for you, and you only.
Her taking the funds is theft regardless, but it is even more insulting when she knows you are using it to fund your education, and not just blowing it all on luxuries – she is placing her spending above her own child’s education, by losing you the opportunity to be able to study without the distraction of working at the same time.
If she is stealing funds being given to you by other people as well, that just adds another layer of jerk behavior.
I would see it being completely understandable to be asking your stepdad directly when you will be getting that amount back and intentionally exposing her actions to him, and even more importantly, making sure your own finances are secure through having a separate account she has no access to.
If you are willing to loan or gift funds, that should be your choice alone, she should not be able to just take it without your permission.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. But you need to take the funds and drop them in a different bank. You need to completely sever the connection between your mother and the funds, and you need to call up your I’m guessing step-grandfather and let him know what happened.
The wider issue here is your mother is straight-up stealing from you, and lying to other family members about funds. You need to protect yourself in the future because the funds have always been stated to be for you, and your mother is okay with stealing from you and other family members. It’s not the least you can do, she has always said the funds have been for you, so she personally acknowledges that what she’s doing is theft and is relying on how she raised you for you to feel guilty and allow her to steal from your future, and not do anything about the fact that she is also now stealing from new people.
I’m being a little repetitive with this, but you need to understand, she has been stealing from you for a long time, and she has now escalated to not just stealing from you. Because her partner entrusted funds with her to go somewhere else, her stealing it in the middle is wrong to both of you.
This needs to become an issue that you notify the rest of the family about because if you’re no longer her source she might try to find someone else.” JCBashBash
7. AITJ For Taking Items I Assumed Were Abandoned At A Hotel?
Sometimes making assumptions can be one of the worst things you do.
“My friend and I just returned from a long weekend holiday at Hilton Head Island, SC.
We stayed at a nice resort on the beach and it was very busy – the hotel was at max capacity with hundreds of rooms, all full.
We live in Georgia and so were able to make the 5-hour drive rather than fly however there are several nearby airports and we met people from all over the country on vacation there.
We stayed in a room on the fifth floor. Walking from the elevator to our room, I noticed a wagon with beach toys, boogie boards, and a couple of chairs sitting conspicuously in the hall along the way to our room. Note – not in front of any particular room, kind of in between rooms. I ignored it and continued to my room.
This wagon stayed UNTOUCHED for more than 48 hours. It was there during the day and evening, the items looked almost brand new. I began to wonder after several days if it had been abandoned there by past guests who perhaps had to fly home and couldn’t carry these things along with them.
After THREE DAYS of no movement of this wagon or any indication that the items were being used (no sand in the wagon or on the toys) I thought “well no one is removing this from the hall and no other rooms are treating the hallway like their personal closet so maybe they’re up for grabs”.
I just took the chairs because I wasn’t traveling with children and I thought someone else might benefit from using those. I thought about leaving a note but didn’t – BIG mistake.
Today, we packed up our things and called a bellhop to help us to the car, the chairs stacked alongside our luggage on the luggage cart.
I ran down to get the car and pull up to the front to load up our belongings. Suddenly a man rushed up to me, aggressively pointing his finger in my face, and said “Your friend said you found these chairs? Tell the truth, don’t lie.” Taken aback, I responded, “Yes, I found them in the hallway.” Almost before the words were out of my mouth he screams at the top of his lungs, “You LIAR!
These chairs were in front of room XYZ and you STOLE THEM from me!” I immediately apologized and started to explain that I thought they were abandoned and didn’t mean to steal them from someone who was using them etc but he refused to hear any of it and continued to scream that I’m a thief and I’m lucky he’s not pressing charges.
I was mortified and genuinely felt awful but was so in shock at his incredible reaction that I eventually walked away to tip the man helping us with our bags. I got into my car and drove away, almost in tears but also feeling angry and confused at why someone would leave something that was CLEARLY so valuable to them in a common area of the hotel.
AITJ? I honestly don’t know, and I can’t stop thinking about it!”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – EVERY hotel, even cheap motels, has a “lost and found”. You should have reported the items to the main desk, and you know it. You made up a nonsense story in your head to justify STEALING!
Whether the items were being kept in the hall by a current guest, a fun display/decoration put up by the hotel, or (least likely) abandoned property, the correct thing to do was to ask the hotel manager. You’re lucky he didn’t call the police on you.
Honestly, it’s kind of creepy that you were eyeing this wagon of stuff to note if it got sandy or if items were rearranged in the first place.
If it’s not yours, leave it alone or call the main desk. Certainly don’t steal things to bring home with you!” VixenNoire
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say ESH. It’s not as if the stuff was abandoned in a public place (say the beach or a park) it was within the hotel corridor. It’s presumptuous to think that the stuff was abandoned, if that was the case the hotel would most likely have already taken care of the stuff (daily housekeeping calls, plenty of staff, it would have been noticed).
The thing to do would have been to ask the front desk what the deal is with all the stuff in the corridor. They may have already been aware, and if not then they could have at least enquired with other guests on the floor if they were the owners.
However, the reaction of this guy does sound extreme considering his careless treatment of his property.” BookkeeperMassive468
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sorry, but hotel hallways are not storage areas. They were obviously either too lazy to move the items in their room or decided they wanted more space in their room.
The entitlement of some people to assume the hallway is their personal storage area, especially while on holiday.” all_out_of_usernames
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ. I worked in hotels for years – for future reference, if there’s something in the hallway that seems out of place, it’s because a guest has cleared it with the front desk and the front desk let housekeeping/maintenance/management know not to disturb the items. And I feel that the idea that they’re out-of-town guests who abandoned the items due to flight charges is definitely a stretch, rather than assuming that perhaps these people are washing the sand off of their items before returning to a nice hotel and perhaps your assessment that things are in exactly the same place as when you last saw them is not 100% accurate.
Not to mention it’s a little weird to be checking in on stuff that isn’t yours, especially with that level of thoroughness.
Bottom line is, that stuff was not yours so you shouldn’t have messed with it. But I also know that everyone has moments like these in which they do not make the best, or most ethical, or most logical decision.
I don’t think you were ill-intentioned. Take the lesson from it, know that this wasn’t a malicious deed, be grateful that nothing was taken to legal action, and move forward with a better understanding of yourself and the world around you. This mistake does not define you, nor does it reflect on your character as a whole.
You made a bad choice. We’ve all done it.” EmmaBW
If u were honestly that concerned about it, u should have contacted the front desk about it.
6. AITJ For Turning Off Water Electricity Until My Roommate Pays His Portion Of Rent?
Refuse to pay? Deal with the consequences.
“I (m, 26) live in a 2-bedroom apartment with my roommate “Jon” (m,26). We split all rent and bills 50/50 and everything has been fine until recently. Jon started seeing this girl “Hannah” (f,25) a few months ago and she is a leech. She is unemployed and relies on Jon to pay for all her food, get her nails done, get new tattoos, her car payments, etc. He literally just Venmos her, so she can do whatever she wants.
I personally don’t understand why he wastes all of his savings on a girl that doesn’t have a job and doesn’t contribute the bare minimum to the relationship, but whatever, it’s not my relationship so it’s not my place to dictate. Jon started telling me he doesn’t have the funds to pay for his half of the bills because “she takes every last cent.” Not my fault and also that’s a lie cause I see him buy her stuff all the time so he does have savings; he would just apparently rather spend it all on her than help me with the bills.
I paid all of the rent this month so we wouldn’t get evicted but haven’t seen a dime from Jon, meanwhile, he took Hannah out to an expensive dinner a few weeks ago. I know for sure she didn’t pay for it.
Here’s where I might be a jerk. My partner (f, 24) and I of 2 years went on a week-long cruise vacation to the Bahamas.
The timing happened to be after the water and electricity bills were due. I knew that both Hannah and Jon were gonna be at the apartment all week. A brilliant idea popped into my head.
I didn’t pay the electricity or water bill and then left with my girl on our cruise 2 weeks later.
I got a call 2 days in from Jon yelling at me because the water and electricity got shut off at the apartment. He was shouting that I needed to pay the bill right now and get them turned back on. I told him that I would be happy to do that right now if he Venmo’d me half for both.
He was furious and called me a jerk for leaving him and Hannah there with no water or electricity and for “ransoming” funds from him. I told him that since he spends so much on his new girl, maybe she has some extra to help foot the bill if he doesn’t. He cussed me out and hung up the phone.
An hour later he sent me his half and then I immediately paid the bills and got them turned back on at the apartment. My girl honestly thought that what I did was hilarious but Jon flamed me on social media and it got back around to a bunch of my friends and family who are now calling me a jerk and that I should have just paid the bills and figured it out with Jon.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Normally you have to go a couple of months before they shut things off. They give many notices etc first and shutting off is the last straw …that’s how it is in most places I know.
Also having that happen puts a mark on your file in a way. It’s possible if you get a new place that they may see or find out you had issues paying bills.
I kinda question this story but in a way NTJ for doing it since it’s part of his responsibility to pay if both are on lease. Maybe get a new place?” AtomicFox84
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Is your roommate actually on the lease or does he have his own lease? Have you talked to the landlord?
Maybe both of you pay your half to the landlord individually so the roommate doesn’t have you as a backup for the rent? It also sounds like you have all the bills in your name – can you switch over one bill (preferably the more expensive one) to his name and you each pay your bill but also Venmo him the little bit for his bill?
I know that these ideas might be too complicated or not be possible, just trying to think how you can remove some of his financial dependence on you.
Good luck!” SmaugTheHedgehog
Another User Comments:
“You are lucky you didn’t have to provide a deposit on top of payment to have it turned back on.
Does Jon still owe you half the rent?
Because I would have made sure to get that too while I had leverage.
I don’t consider you the jerk, because he likely still owed you your portion of the utilities for the rent you paid for him–so he could have paid the utilities in its entirety to at least pay that much back.
You know this is not going to get better.
Your situation is/will be untenable. I think you should try to get those utilities in his name (though I can’t see him agreeing to it). I also think you need to look at the lease to see what you can do to protect yourself from having to pay his portion of the rent. Any chance you can break the lease and find lodgings elsewhere (partner?)?” Blacksmithforge3241
5. AITJ For Refusing To Eat My Wife's Cooking Since I Learned She's Going Against My Diet?
” “I’m currently on a fitness journey and I’m trying to get in shape. I’ve been dieting and working out consistently for 6 months and have seen serious changes. I’m sculpting a 6 pack, my arms, legs, and chest are getting much more muscular, and I feel and look great. My wife doesn’t like it.
She doesn’t like that I go to the gym every day and that I eat healthier now. I think that’s crazy as I’m so much more physically attractive now that I’m in shape, so she should be into it.
My wife does the majority of the cooking for the family. Usually, I’ll just weigh out meals so I know how much I’m eating (which she also doesn’t like) so I can track what I’m eating accurately.
2 weeks ago, after I weighed out my meal, I went to my son’s room to let him know dinner was ready. When I got back to the table, I saw my wife mixing my bowl. She eventually admitted that sometimes she puts a little extra butter or oil in my food to slow my weight loss.
This evolved into a small fight after dinner. Now I haven’t eaten her cooking in 2 weeks and she’s upset about that. I’ve been cooking for myself since I can’t trust her to not sabotage my body. She’s been mad about it since and wants me to eat what she cooks for me despite what she did.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That is crazy. Completely crazy to do that to someone. I’m sure she is anxious and insecure and feels like if you get hot, you will have more opportunities to be unfaithful, or she is feeling insecure about her own looks. It isn’t an excuse to do that to someone.
You need to sit down with her and have a serious talk to find out what her motivations for that were and how you can both move forward and restore the trust that was lost.” BlueBelle2019
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Let me start with: she’s worse. BUT: you need to talk to her, bro.
Find out why she’s concerned with your weight loss and trying to slow it down. In fact, get a counselor for this talk, because y’all are seriously at odds, and you’re at the point where you can’t SHARE A MEAL anymore, and that is serious!
Some things she might be worried about: That your weight loss is so rapid it’s unhealthy.
That you’re verging into an eating disorder or exercise addiction territory. That you’re having or getting ready to have an affair.
Those are all reasons that are pretty common behind a spouse taking a 180-degree turn into serious fitness like this.
Sometimes it’s just that someone decided to get healthy and found they were good at it and love it.
Cool! That’s awesome.
But serious, severe lifestyle changes often happen for less wholesome reasons, and finding out what she’s worried about will give you two a chance to talk and reconnect. If you want to STAY in this relationship, that has to happen.
It may be as simple as, she thinks you won’t be attracted to her anymore when you’re all ripped and she’s just her same old self.
Again: NONE of these reasons are a good reason for someone to screw with your food. That wasn’t okay!! If you want to walk away from the relationship on that basis alone, you have the right to.
If you want to stay, though: You guys need a conversation with a counselor. She needs to feel safe enough to tell you what fears or unmet needs are behind her behavior.
You need to feel safe enough to tell her how undermined and unsafe you feel knowing she would mess with your food and lie about it. She needs to apologize and mean it. The two of you need to find a way forward that meets everyone’s needs and leaves both of you feeling like your concerns are heard.” bogwitchforhire
Another User Comments:
“I’m halfway between NTJ and ESH.
It’s your body. So if you want to be ripped to shreds, that’s your prerogative. If you want to eat healthier and in overall lower quantities, that’s your right. While she should definitely be more supportive of your fitness journey, she by no means has to be crazy about your “new bod.” Not everyone is into muscles, not everyone is into skinny.
Have you engaged in any conversation about how this new change has made your wife feel?
Don’t read into this as me defending her actions. She sabotaged your food behind your back and that is definitely a jerk move. But is it possible that she feels left out on your new journey? Has this new routine imposed itself on her own in any way?” Kobefan44
4. AITJ For Getting Unequal Gifts For My Kids' Partners?
“So I (55M) have three children (24M, 27M, 32F) and my older two are engaged and my youngest one has a partner.
I get along with all of their partners, even my youngest’s partner who he’s only been with for about 2 months.
This situation concerns my eldest two. My daughter has been with her partner (33M, who I will call “Mark”) for 2 years, they met at work and hit it off. Mark is a wonderful guy and treats her right, and I’m excited for him to become part of the family.
My son and his partner (25M, who I’ll call “Finn”) have been together since they were teens and friends for a lot longer and he’s practically family, they got engaged 4 years ago with the plan of a long engagement. I care about all of my kids’ partners, but Finn is like a 4th child to me.
Finn’s birthday is coming up and I’ve decided to get him some things I’ve known he’s wanted for a while. My son and he have always wanted to do up a caravan into a home and use it to go traveling for a few years, so I found one and got it for him as well as a gift card for our local hardware store, and just some extra funds to go towards decor and other things for it.
I know that might seem like a lot, but it’s something I can comfortably afford.
Mark’s birthday was about 6 weeks ago, I got him a reservation (and covered the meal/drink/dessert) at a nice restaurant for him and my daughter and I also got him a nice watch and a bottle of his favorite spirit.
We also hosted his birthday which was a large family barbeque at my house. I know there is a huge price difference between the gifts, and one is pretty temporary while another will last a lot longer.
I told my daughter about the planned gift for Finn as I wanted an additional opinion on something and she went off on me, how it is unfair how different I treat Mark and Finn and how it’s clear in the gifts I give them, especially since their birthdays are so close.
She said she understood last year since I didn’t really know him but now it’s clear that they are serious and that he will be part of the family and that I need to start treating him as such.
I was aware of the difference but in my mind, I thought it was valid, I don’t mistreat Mark, he’s a lovely guy and yes he will be a part of this family, but despite them not being married, Finn already is family.
Is this unfair? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You have known Mark for less than 2 years. He has been in your daughter’s life for ONLY 2 years. They are barely out of the honeymoon stage of their relationship.
Finn has been in your son’s life for over a DECADE. They have literally grown into the men that they are together.
Most importantly, you have watched Finn grow from a young teenager into adulthood, and have been a father figure for him for over a DECADE.
Additionally, and to be frank, your daughter is expecting her fiance to be treated as though he has been known to the family for as long as Finn has. But she needs to realize that this is not appropriate because you just don’t know him well.
To be honest, she should be grateful and appreciative of the fact that you spent so much on his gifts, and also hosted a party for him ON YOUR DIME….where are his parents? They should be hosting his party, not you.
For a 2-year-old relationship, you seriously went above and beyond, in effort, forethought, time, finances, and commitment.
Your daughter is being superbly entitled, selfish, arrogant, and unreasonable, not to mention, atrociously materialistic and spoiled.
I do wonder, however, if Mark said something to her about it, in which case, I would definitely suggest that you have a serious and honest conversation with your daughter about how grossly disrespectful it is.” ImNotYourCherry
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – unpopular opinion I know and I’m sure I’m going to get a lot of hate for this…but allowed to my own opinion.
Is Mark any less your son because of the timeframe he’s been in your life? Seems to me that’s the criteria for you to justify your much more lavish gift to Finn.
You watched him grow up, he’s like your 4th child…but he is not your child, he is your child’s partner as is Mark. Shouldn’t you be treating them equally?
By your daughter’s comments, I wonder if you have done other things in the last 2 years to show favoritism of Finn.
Personally, I think both gifts are lavish and extreme, but I guess you do have the right to spend how much you want on whomever you want.” Upset_Custard7652
Another User Comments:
“I’m going against the grain to say YTJ because you are trying way too hard to defend your choices. There’s a saying, “Methinks thou dost protest too much.” I’m braced for the criticism.
Even if you call it a gift to your son as well, half of the gift is still way more than you’ve given to Mark.
It could have easily been a wedding gift. The length of time you’ve known him shouldn’t play a part in it since both couples are engaged.
Regardless of their ages, they are both your children, and it still hurts.” Curious_Discussion63
Another User Comments:
“Past this particular situation, my advice is to not let your children know when you are making large gifts to others.
My parents make it a habit. Last Christmas, they gifted me a large sum of funds to buy something nice for our house. They asked me to keep it quiet because they weren’t gifting the same to my brother and sister. They had valid reasons for not doing so. This is not the first time they have gifted me something and asked me to keep it quiet.
I know they have also done things for my brother and sister, and I haven’t been told. I’ve picked up various things because my mother isn’t good at keeping secrets and sometimes gives things away. I’m also more of a confidante to her than the other two and when some times were tough emotionally, my mother confided in me.
My dad has also told me that he purposely doesn’t tell us when he does things for the others so that we never feel things are unfair and resent it.
I really don’t care what my parents do for my brother and sister, and would never resent it. Apart from the fact they have also been very generous to me, I believe it’s their money, and it’s their choice.
I also think that as needs are different for different people, sometimes what you do for them is also different. It’s the difference between equity and equality. But not everyone would feel like that, as you are currently experiencing.
I feel like my parents’ philosophy has worked, and although my kids are still teens/early adults, I expect to be doing the same for them.
Even now, my kids know that sometimes one will get more than the others (time, attention, monetary help, or whatever), simply because they need more. I try to keep most things even, but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. So far, as long as the kids have understood that they will get what they need when they need it, they haven’t cared.” regus0307
3. AITJ For Telling My Sister-In-Law She's A Brat In Front Of Her Family?
“I (F20) live around 3 hours away from my family with my partner whilst I go to school.
My older brother (M26) has a wife Kelly (F25) who gave birth to their second baby 4 weeks ago.
I planned in advance with my brother and Kelly for me to come home and visit them and the new baby for last Thursday.
The week before my planned visit, Kelly posted wishlists of things she wants people to buy the baby all over social media.
I personally thought this was tacky, as Kelly already had a baby shower prior to the birth, and in our country, baby showers are not the cultural norm. The parents are expected to buy everything the baby needs and close family members buy little extras (outfits, accessories, toys, etc) and gifts for the mother after the baby has been born.
Not only that, but all of the gifts on the wishlist were expensive. The cheapest gift on there was $60. Kelly put a passive-aggressive note at the bottom of the post, saying that anyone wanting to visit the baby MUST bring a gift off the wishlist, saying that “it takes a village.”
I decided to ignore it since Kelly knows I’m a student who doesn’t have a lot saved up.
Plus I already bought a gift for the baby for the baby shower (3 sets of outfits and a blanket).
When I actually arrived at their home on Thursday, I had brought a bouquet of flowers for Kelly. My brother was at work, but some of Kelly’s extended family were there. Kelly seemed pleased with the flowers but clearly looked disappointed when she realized I hadn’t brought anything else.
She stared at me blankly and asked if I even saw the wishlist. I was taken aback but told Kelly I couldn’t afford anything on there. Kelly went on a rant about how she should be appreciated more for bringing life into the world and said that she’ll make “an allowance” for me. She said I can make up for it by doing at least 3 hours of housework for them instead.
I told Kelly no and said that’s a ridiculous request. I said if she doesn’t want me to visit then I’ll gladly leave. Kelly started raising her voice at me and said I’m insensitive towards women who’ve just had a baby.
I lost my cool a bit and yelled at Kelly and said she’s a self-righteous brat and that I don’t owe her crap before leaving.
Kelly was crying and her family members were shocked.
My brother thinks I went way over the top and that I should apologize to Kelly for yelling at her and calling her a brat.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, why would anyone expect a gift to come to see the baby?! Heck, she may as well be asking people for a cover charge to come see the child.
You had already given her a gift. So I would have informed her hey did you forget I gave you a gift already? I don’t have the funds to shell out every time I want to come see the baby.
Her being appreciated for bringing a life into the world was her choice no one forced her to do this.
I mean your words may have been harsh but it was also the truth. Next time just play dumb and say sorry I don’t get on social media that much. I keep in touch off the internet with people I’m close to.” Bubbly-Kitty-2425
Another User Comments:
“ESH. The idea she can demand gifts is ridiculous.
On the other hand, you walked into the situation having a good idea of what to expect and told her off. Why did you go? Anyway, I’d suggest making your little apology and getting on with your life. Btw there is nothing tacky about wishlists. Some people are happy to give and would love the opportunity to gift some desired high-dollar items. But it’s a list, no one person is obliged to buy something they don’t want to.” pawsplay36
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You didn’t need to go to personal insults and yelling; it was over the top. You could have just said, “I already gave you baby presents”. She’d look like the entitled jerk she is, you’d look reasonable. As it stands, she’s still entitled, but now you look like you have anger management issues.
That said, I don’t think you need to apologize at all. Kelly didn’t get anything she didn’t deserve; it just didn’t make you look good either.” VegaofLyra
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Kelly obviously has a high sense of entitlement and a severe lack of self-awareness, and it’s probably clear to just about everyone she sucks here.
But your response was also rude. Were you justified in yelling and saying mean (but likely true) things? Yeah probably, I’m certainly not going to cry for Kelly. But was it handled in a mature and adult manner? Not really. At the end of the day, saying mean things and yelling at people will generally be jerky behavior, even if understandable.” ye_tarnished
2. WIBTJ For Reporting My Sister To The IRS?
“My parents sold their house when the market was good in order to downsize, but then the market was too high for them to want to buy before my mom retired in a few years (although they are financially able to; they are middle class and couldn’t fathom paying what was being asked for a home in a large city).
My sister has a home with her husband and toddler, so they moved into one of their spare 10’x10′ bedrooms with a small bathroom. My sister’s family expects them to keep all belongings in their room, my mom babysits once a weekday in addition to working 4 days a week at her physically challenging job, babysits most weekends for free, and watches their dogs when they’re out of town.
Both my parents get yelled at for making the smallest noise when the toddler is sleeping, and generally can’t do anything in my sister’s household without them having a problem with it. My parents do most everyday chores in the home (garbage, dishes, tidying, etc).
My parents pay $650/month in rent for the room. My sister’s household makes significantly over six figures with her husband’s job and he comes from privilege.
My sister tends to be obsessed with wealth, having it, keeping it, and looking for any chance to make a quick buck (such as complaining about a product just to get something for free, taking a used candle back to Bath and Body Works, etc). We have never particularly gotten along for a lot of reasons, but she is very much a “taker” in all of her relationships without ever trying to reciprocate any goodwill or service, or kindness to anyone else in the family.
There is no contractual lease in place, just my parents paying $650/month electronically after my sister and her husband decided on that number. My parents are miserable, do not like living with my sister, and complain every time I talk to them, but they think this living situation is worth it to “save some bucks.” They have been paying my sister rent for almost three years, but my sister and her husband have not/are not claiming the income from the rent on their taxes.
My parents would live with me and my partner if they could, but we are in a small apartment in an area my dad doesn’t like.
Would I be the jerk to report my sister and her husband to the IRS for tax evasion on what would approximately be $20,000 in unclaimed income over 3 years?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft ESH. You’re right, it sounds like your sister sucks. No argument whatsoever. But, reporting them for tax evasion just to punish them could have unintended consequences that punish more than just your sister and her husband. I have a family member (who I’ll call Sally for clarity) whose father went to federal prison for 18 months when Sally was a young teenager.
Sally’s parents went through a very nasty divorce, and out of anger, the mom’s sister reported the father for tax evasion. It has really messed with Sally, now well into adulthood, to have her father sent to prison during that time in her life and to know it happened because her aunt was the one to turn him in.
Your time and efforts would be better spent helping your parents find a better living situation. Turning your sister in might feel good at the moment, but if it screws up your niece/nephew’s life, I’m guessing it won’t feel as good. Maybe she’ll get caught eventually, but you’ll probably feel better long-term if you’re not the reason for it.” BeJane759
Another User Comments:
“Yea, YTJ. This situation doesn’t involve or affect you at all. Your sister and her husband suck on a lot of levels. But your parents are voluntarily living there, they said it’s worth it for them to save some bucks. You reporting them is just a weird petty spiteful thing.
It’s getting them in huge trouble just because you don’t like what they are doing. You’re asking for a lot of bad karma.
There’s a way around this situation for your sister too by the way. 650 per month for a year is $7,800. She could call that amount a gift, which wouldn’t need to technically be reported on taxes.
If there is no true rental agreement in place, you essentially have nothing to report.
You are petty. Use your energy and time helping your parents find better housing.” whipped_pumpkin410
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You’ve had three years to move into a place that’s big enough to accommodate your parents.
Your parents have had three years to find another living situation – they still have the proceeds of the house sale and storage rentals exist.
Your sister is definitely a jerk for making your parents defacto babysitters, but it’s been three years and you all have agency. Your parents are paying for the privilege to be live in nannies.
Maybe $650 is an acceptable sum to counter her husband’s lack of privacy for 3 years. And given the state of the economy, it’s been a hard time to get reliable childcare.
If you don’t want your parents paying that sum, feel free to kick in to reduce their burden. Reporting your sister to the IRS won’t stop your parents from whining about a situation they are doing nothing to change.” cassowary32
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’m a tax resolution worker with tax filing permissions in all 50 states and I work under a tax attorney.
I’ve worked in the industry for 6 years, so I def know my stuff. Yes, it is tax evasion. If the $20,000 was your sister’s only income, it would not be taxable as it’s less than the minimum filing requirement. However, because the sister and husband have other income which significantly exceeds the minimum filing requirement; ALL of their income is taxable.
The sister and her husband have certainly underreported their income to IRS by excluding the rental income from their returns and, most likely, the IRS is already aware that it’s happened. The IRS tracks PayPal, Venmo, and Zelle transactions as income if it’s over a certain amount with a recurring payment. They definitely do have a record of this income and your sister is likely to get a call about it shortly.
Regardless of all of this, this isn’t your business op. Your parents are grown adults and are currently mentally competent. These aren’t two old people with dementia and it sounds like they could leave if they wanted to. You need to mind your own business.” Tall-Fudge-4982
1. AITJ For Not Accommodating My Coworker So She Can Watch Her Five Kids?
“I (28F) am single, don’t have kids, and live alone. I also do not work OT or do anything beyond my work.
Also, I am not in the US.
First, let me explain what my work is like: so we are an internal auditing company. I work in the logistics auditing division. What that means is that when a company hires us (mostly to see how good their policies are), we shadow their workers, to see where efficiency can be increased. Sometimes that means working the night shift, delivery, warehouse, manufacturing…etc.
We are very lucky that we have an awesome manager and team leader. Once we divide the tasks, you can do them whenever as long as your report is handed in when it should be. Work from home, from the office, at 3 am, less than 40hrs… It doesn’t matter.
For the 6 years I have been on this team, another female coworker (30s) has been doing her absolute best to work the least amount possible.
First, she is either always pregnant and not “able” to shadow anyone but the office workers, she is on maternity leave (4 months), on her yearly vacation (a month), or conveniently sick when it is time for some heavy-duty work (she sends in a doctor’s notice, and we have unlimited PTO as long as you have a doctor’s notice).
And when she is in the office, she is dumping her work on the others. She uses her kids as an excuse all the time.
Well usually the other team members pick up her slack, but I refuse to do so.
This time we are auditing a larger company, so all hands on deck. And for the first time ever she is neither pregnant nor on maternity leave, and she just got back from her yearly leave.
The company we are auditing is in another city, so the members who will have to go will be staying there for 3 weeks. This time it is my turn to stay in the office (well my home TBH) and do the data organization/analysis.
She asked me to switch with her, apparently, she can’t leave her 5 kids alone with her husband.
I said no. She tried to guilt trip me by saying that what she would have to pay for child care is more than what she would get paid for the whole month and that I don’t have any responsibilities like her. I told her “well they are not my kids, so I don’t see how that is my problem.”
Now she is pouting like a kid, and some coworkers are saying that I don’t know how hard working moms have it, and that I should be more compassionate.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m so sick of people using their kids as an excuse for their child-free colleagues to pick up their slack.
When you have kids you accept the responsibility that comes with it. If you need to work you need to work. I don’t have kids for a reason. They’re very expensive, and physically and emotionally draining, and I know I’m too selfish to be a parent. I also know if I did have kids I would never want to pawn off my work on my colleagues because of them.
In this situation, I’m sure the father is perfectly capable of taking care of his children but she just doesn’t want to do the work. She is using them as an excuse. I would never offer up any additional support to her due to her history of dodging her employment responsibilities.
I have amazing colleagues with children.
If I see them struggling I will offer to help them out from time to time so they can make it to the babysitter before it’s too late or make it to a parent-teacher meeting, etc. However if they take advantage of the situation just because they popped out a few kids than I’m no longer offering help.
The child-free should not be punished for supposedly having more free time.
We all make choices in life. We all must live with the consequences and responsibilities of those choices. It’s time for your colleague to step up.” AndieCA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Don’t back down, I used to work with a woman like this who would also try and get us to “submit” when we planned to take leave just so she could see that she and her kids didn’t want to take a trip during that time period (she wasn’t a supervisor by the way…) and she treated anyone without children as if they had something wrong with them.
My point being is everybody is in different circumstances and people like her are given an inch and take a mile as the saying goes.
Don’t back down and if she can’t accept that she also needs to do her fair share of the work and traveling if required then she’ll need to accept she needs to find another job.
Best of luck! My problem ended up being made redundant after she got offside with everyone.” ColdstreamCapple
Another User Comments:
“You are right that you don’t need to cover her, and it is not the fact that you refuse to cover for her that makes you the jerk. It is the clear grudge you have against her for being a working mother that makes YTJ.
Even your other coworkers can see it, presumably because of comments you have made to other office staff, that demonstrate how you basically hate this woman just because she is a woman who has children and also works.
You sound like a real stellar feminist to me.
All of the issues you have with her, the “grievances” you have against her, are things she is legally entitled to in the workplace.
It sounds from your post like you have a problem with her simply existing because she is a mother who also works. You, too, are entitled to these benefits, but you don’t have any kids so you don’t use them. You having a problem with her taking the maternity leave, yearly vacation, or PTO she is entitled to legally is not a her problem, it is a you problem.
You don’t need to switch with her, that’s a fact. But it is your attitude and nasty comments you are making that are making your coworkers consider you the jerk here. And whether you are the jerk or not, your coworker is certainly NOT the jerk for simply being a working mother.” puffleintrouble
Another User Comments:
“I can’t make up my mind whether YTJ or not in this particular case. However, I just want to say that your attitude in general towards your colleague leaves a lot to be desired.
I doubt she got pregnant in order to avoid work. Being pregnant is HARD. And let me tell you, 4 months of maternity leave is nothing.
She is well within her rights to use all the leave she is entitled to, and you complaining about it or using it as context for this scenario makes you look really bad.
We are not just cogs in a machine, working till we drop. Sounds to me like your colleague has the right idea about work-life balance, although of course if that genuinely negatively impacts others, something will need to change, though I would suggest the change should be systemic rather than individual.
Before having a child I probably would have sympathized with you more, but I think once you have a family of your own, you will be more understanding and compassionate. Don’t forget that her kids (speaking figuratively) will be the ones paying your pension, funding health care, social security, the police, and other basic services when you are no longer working.
Your post is so anti-parent and exemplifies a wider attitude of ‘Not my kids, not my problem’. But that is so wrong – there is such a thing as society, people give in different ways, and having kids is not a purely individual act, but one that ensures the continuation of the species. Maybe take the long view on this one.” CourageMiserable3774
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