People Are Reluctant To Own The Label "Jerk" In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Not Inviting My Friend Who Hates Smoking To A Party?
“I (20M) have a big group (~20) at college and we love hanging out together. We have a lot of similar interests and we usually have a lot of fun.
Sometimes we decide to have a party and it gets wild. We drink a lot and stay up till dawn. Most of us like smoking when we get wasted.
Usually, we go to the roof or take a walk to the smoking area in our street.
Since a lot of us smoke and usually spend a lot of time talking, non-smokers also accompany us. We usually are gone for around 45 mins every time we step out to smoke.
We usually smoke around 3 a night every time we drink.
One of our friends, Megan, hates the smell. So, she never steps out with us. Completely understandable. But what’s not understandable to me is that she pretty much demanded that we don’t smoke.
It usually leaves her alone. She said that she is sick of being alone for hours. She said that she felt like she was missing out and she is waiting miserably for everyone to return instead of having fun.
Well, next time, only smokers stepped out and she had 2 people staying with her. She still said that it wasn’t fair and demanded that we don’t smoke if she was there.
It rubbed me the wrong way and I told her that I cannot do much apart from making sure that she wasn’t alone at the apartment.
Last time, when we stepped out she literally blocked the door and told us not to go.
We laughed awkwardly and didn’t leave. It was really weird after that everyone just left.
We are planning to have a party at my place next week and I didn’t invite her (a lot of my friends suggested that I don’t invite her).
She found out and now she is extremely mad at me. She has left me multiple messages demanding that I invite her and that what I did was completely unfair.
I haven’t replied yet.
Smokers are on my side. Non-smokers are conflicted. Asking the question here for impartial answers. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who dislikes smoking.
I am totally with her not joining you outside to smoke.
That is incredibly reasonable. I can even understand her unhappiness with being left alone.
Of course, you could stop smoking. Or not everyone goes out at once. Or go out, have one, and be back in like 10 minutes.
Instead, you sort of move the entire party to a different place for close to an hour. That effectively would exclude her (or, more accurately, she excludes herself).
But everyone at the party can come and go as they please.
If two people want to go to a quiet corner, they can do that. If anyone wants to leave, in mass or one by one, for any reason, they get to do that.
Not inviting her is very reasonable. She tried to control individual behavior because it wasn’t what she wanted to do. If she hadn’t tried to block you, I would say invite her with a clear understanding of smoking.
NTJ.” tropicaldiver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People smoke. It’s not a nice habit but adults get to make their own choices. It’s reasonable and fair that you step outside to do it.
And the non-smokers can choose to step outside with you or stay in and avoid the smoke.
I do think it’s fair to not just, in effect, move the party outside for long periods; if the habit has you neglecting the rest of your friends, get your needs met and rejoin the group indoors.
But expecting that no one should smoke, anywhere, because of one non-smoker is not realistic or reasonable.” B4pangea
Another User Comments:
“I smoke and I wish I didn’t.
The issue here is not the smoking though, that is a red herring – Megan wants to be the main character and set the tone of the hangout. She doesn’t get to dictate what other adults do or don’t do and blocking your exit would have been enough to get her off the invite list. Don’t invite her and NTJ.” ClareSwinn
18. AITJ For Calling It A Night After My Dad's Partner Insulted Me?
“My (26f) husband (33m) are US citizens and he is stationed overseas, so we currently live in Germany. We’ve been here for 1.5 years and I haven’t seen my family in that same amount of time.
It’s been hard for me not to see my family, especially my dad, as we are very close. We had plans to reunite and have him and my brother fly in and spend NYE with us.
I was shocked when he asked if he could bring his partner, but I said yes. The entire family and I have always been hesitant of her, as she has shown SERIOUS gold digger signs (asks him to buy her expensive jewelry or bags and throws a fit if he doesn’t, wants him to pitch in for her business, and even asked about what happens to his house when he’s gone and expressed concern that it goes to my brother and me.) My dad sees all of this yet stays with her out of loneliness and the fact that ‘it’s hard to find someone at the age of 54’.
He told me not to worry as he never gives in, nothing is going to her, and that they are casual. They live together, but he says they’ll never get married, despite her asking him to propose, and again stresses the ‘casual’ and that they’re just two people living together.
I was shocked he asked to bring her, but at the time I thought, whatever, because despite everything we’ve always shown her nothing but kindness.
They arrived on the 30th and I’ve been elated. For NYE we had dinner and drinks.
After midnight, we talked about resolutions. My husband said he wants to get back into running, how he used to be a good runner, and wanted to get back into it.
Dad’s partner immediately looked at me and said, ‘Yeah, you gained weight.’ Me – who wasn’t even talking about running or exercise. I was very hurt and taken aback by this comment.
My husband stood up for me, saying I hadn’t, I looked incredible, and that she was wrong. She CONTINUED to say I did, that she used to see me a lot and that now I look different.
I stepped away from the group and started crying. I said I was going home, and that they were welcome to explore and go to bars, but the night was done for me as I was not in the mood anymore to be out.
My dad apologized and my husband went to the girl and said she was out of line. She blamed it on a language barrier as English isn’t her first language (she’s been in the US since 2004).
My husband, whose first language also was not English, said nope, you cannot use the language barrier as an excuse, and that she knows what she said. She said I was being too sensitive and ruined the night.
We came home and my dad apologized for bringing her and that this was probably it for them as a couple. He told me she was debating flying home the next day and that he would let her.
What she said got to me, and now I’m wondering if I should have reacted differently and continued the night. I feel bad that I caused drama between my dad and her.
AITJ for getting upset and coming home early on NYE, ‘ruining’ their night?”
Another User Comments:
“When people say ‘you’re too sensitive,’ that’s usually them trying to shift the blame in the hopes that people won’t see just how horribly insensitive they’re being.
She knows what she said. She knows it was nonsense. And after getting called out on it, she tried to make it your fault. I’m thinking this isn’t the first time your dad has seen this behavior from her, but hopefully, it will be the last.
NTJ.” lemonlimeaardvark
Another User Comments:
“No, NTJ at all. She was catty and hurtful as you and your father were enjoying a much-needed reunion; she didn’t apologize when it was clear that she had hurt you; she even stuck to her guns after you left. To be honest, I suspect this was part of a ploy to drive a wedge between your father and you (and your brother) so she could further her gold-digging agenda.
Look, even if she wasn’t a gold digger and a drama queen and your dad was actually pursuing a serious commitment with her, you still wouldn’t have been the jerk.
You are never obligated to tolerate terrible behavior. Given that she is all of those things, it’s almost more important that you not swallow such things. Seeing your reaction to her crass behavior; seeing her defend it long after you left; is what helped him realize that he needs to end her chapter in his life.
He may be lonely without her, but he’s better off without her toxicity. If you had tolerated her hostility, would that important step in his life be happening? This is healthy, you are not the jerk, and I hope you and your father can spend some quality time together in her absence.” TurtleTheMoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if she knows the rule book on how to be a gold digger insulting family is not on there. Hopefully, your dad keeps to his word and dumps her quickly.
If I was him though I would go back home with her before she clears the house, safe and everything not nailed down. Also good for your hubby for stepping up.
She’ll end up alone one day and you’ll be surrounded by people who support you. All she’ll have is face fillers.” Icy_Conversation_612
17. AITJ For Getting The Police To Talk To My Daughter?
“I was out in public with my wife and daughter today. She’s six years old and was misbehaving a lot. We were at a shopping center eating some bagels in the food courts and she was just getting up and making lots of noise.
Every time I asked her to behave she’d refuse and give me the ‘why why why’ that kids do.
So I told her that I was going to talk to the police.
There were a couple of PCSOs (Police Community Support Officers) in the food court. For non-UK people these are basically police officers who have limited power and are more suited to community support than catching criminals, they have to ask a more qualified police officer to make an arrest for them if it’s needed.
They were very kind about it and came over to tell my daughter why it’s important to behave in a public food court. They told her how annoying it is for other people and also started talking about personal space and the risks of running around near people at the moment.
She completely listened to them and understood and behaved for the rest of the day.
My wife got really upset that I did this. She says that it’s embarrassing and that we’ve failed as parents if we need to ask the police to do our job for us.
And also she said that I’m teaching our daughter to be afraid of authority. That I’m teaching her to be scared of the police because they’re used when she’s misbehaving when really I should be teaching her to trust them.
But I think it was fine. I wasn’t asking them to tell her off. I wanted her to get another opinion from someone who isn’t her parents just to show how important good behavior is.
And she had great respect for the officers and really listened to what they had to say.
Edit: I wasn’t trying to scare my daughter, I was trying to offer her reasoning from a respectable person in the community.
These were not emergency police officers who run around catching criminals. They were PCSOs who help old ladies carry bags and tell teenagers to go be loud somewhere else. I don’t feel like a one-minute conversation was a waste of time.
These weren’t big scary looking police with weapons. They were a guy and a lady in their early 20s and had no equipment other than a radio and uniform.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your daughter was acting out in public and absolutely has no understanding of WHY it’s a problem. She’s a kid, that’s how they roll, zero empathy because she doesn’t understand how her actions affect other people in public.
She wasn’t listening to you or your wife… so you found someone who she would listen to. Kudos to you for not wanting to disrupt other people’s shopping experience.
The security folks simply explained why her actions were hurting other people… at school, they are called principals, and teachers, and as an adult, they are called parole officers. Your wife doesn’t understand little brains are a blank slate.
She was embarrassed by security helping to calm her daughter down, but not by her daughter’s bratty behavior. Well, she was 1/2 right on the bad parent thing.” Sad_Gold7305
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You want us to know that they weren’t police officers, but you told your daughter they were. I won’t even get into the fact that differentiating uniforms isn’t as straightforward to a 6yo as you seem to think because you straight up told her they’re the police.
You didn’t say ‘Let’s ask these community helpers to help answer your questions.’ You got annoyed and told her you were going to tell the police. You’re really good at twisting this to look the way you want it to.
It doesn’t sound like she was doing anything abnormal for a 6yo either and, even if she was, there are fun and engaging books for children your daughter’s age that demonstrate acceptable behavior.
Do better and own up to your poor judgment on this one.” PomegranateOk6767
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. PCSOs are community support offers and they were already there. They did not use fear to scare the child they just spoke to her and explained why what she was doing was a disturbance etc. It’s called educating your kid and also shows she can also approach them if she needs them, had a question, etc. These officers are NOT PRU (primary response units) who handle the emergencies and calls for service and they would never be dispatched on this call if a parent decided to actually call the police for them to come and ‘discipline’ their child.
(Yes people call because their child is not doing what they are told… ya – no not going to happen.)
You’re the parent, parent your kid. If it’s a criminal situation or a threat of life and death they attend it’s legitimate but being noisy running around not listening nope.
Police are not for that. But the community officers right there it’s a perfectly fine use of this service and why they are there. They can talk to them, educate them, and show that your parent is correct in why they asked you to stop.
Simple, easy, and everyone goes back to their activities.” User
16. AITJ For Not Giving My First-Class Lounge Privileges Away?
“I had to fly out of the country over the holidays (not my first choice but oh well) this was all planned back in July when tickets were really cheap.
My parents and I had decided to go and then later my brother decided to come too. Since tickets were so cheap we got to get first-class seats. Come December first my brother’s fiancée decided she wanted to come too but the plane we were on was filled and the tickets were so expensive she ended up not flying with the same company as us.
My parents left first because my brother and I couldn’t get off work sooner and then it was our day to fly.
At the airport, my brother’s fiancée gives me a Christmas gift I’m taken back because I have met her around four times in the 5 years they have been together.
(Not my choice my brother just hid her from us for no reason.) I thanked her but told her sorry I didn’t have anything for her but I’ll make it up to her.
When we get past Transportation Security Administration, I tell my brother and his fiancée see ya I’m going to the first-class lounge. My brother stops me and tells me he called and they said someone else can use my ticket for the lounge and if he and his fiancée can use it.
I laugh and say no I’ve been looking forward to this and have only flown first class once before when I was 6 so I couldn’t enjoy it. His fiancée then speaks up and says you can make it up to me for not giving me a gift. I looked her dead in the eyes and said welcome to the family, screw off.
(I am a vulgar person that’s just how I talk with friends and my sibling) So I went to the first-class lounge and enjoyed my time and when I went on the flight with my brother he was mad, calling me a jerk for not letting them enjoy the first-class lounge together.
AITJ for letting them enjoy the lounge?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You’re not obligated to give her your lounge pass, no. Honestly, it was rude of them to even ask.
It also makes me wonder if she got you a gift for the sole purpose of trying to guilt you into letting her use the lounge pass (but I’m a cynic).
That said, telling her to screw off was wildly uncalled for. A simple no I’ve been looking forward to this would have sufficed. If she wanted a pass so badly then your brother could have given her his.” bee102019
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your brother could have given up his 1st class lounge ticket for her to enjoy. It’s a ridiculous request for them to think that a gift will make you hand over your 1st class lounge ticket.
If she wanted one she should have gotten a ticket too.” CODE_NAME_DUCKY
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your brother and his fiancée overstepped a major line in presuming to get your first-class lounge access and then holding it against you when you insist that such access is important to you.
They should have accepted the ‘no.’
You could have handled that interaction better though. ‘Welcome to the family, screw off?’ You may think you’re just a vulgar person, but that’s also a major jerk behavior.
Taking the high road might have left things better than they are.” TaliesinMerlin
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Apologize To My Sister-In-Law?
“Last year I had surgery to remove a mass on my ovary. I was discharged from the hospital a little over a week after my surgery but had chronic pelvic pain which caused me to be bedridden for a month.
From being bedridden for almost over a month, I gained a lot of weight. This weight gain was very hard for me to deal with because I suffered from disordered eating when I was younger but my husband was so supportive and helped me get through it.
I’m finding it hard to lose weight but I’m still healthy, just a little overweight which is a problem I’m currently trying to fix.
I (25F) and my husband (32M) have been married for 3 years.
My husband comes from a small family and only has one sibling, his sister ‘Amanda’ (36F, fake name for obvious reasons). Amanda is a very… unique character. She is very brash, and in my opinion not a nice person.
I can sit here and type all the things she has said and done in the past but it wouldn’t fit in this post. The only important thing to note is that she was a serial liar and her husband left her.
My husband’s parents (who I’ll call MIL and FIL) have always been super warm and welcoming. I absolutely adore my husband’s family. There’s only one issue: Amanda. Amanda has never liked me.
I don’t know why she dislikes me, I have always been nice to her, and whilst she was, at first, somewhat nice to my face, my in-laws have made it no secret that she is nasty to me behind my back.
I have approached Amanda many times and asked her why she feels this way towards me, or try to just be amicable with each other, but she just scoffs or rolls her eyes and walks away.
This came to a head this Christmas. I, my husband, and Amanda went to my in-laws for dinner. Everything was going very well. We ate, had some drinks, and just had a good time.
Then, MIL called everyone to the living room for a family photo. When Amanda walked in, she scoffed and said ‘You really want me to be in the picture with that elephant’.
The mood in the room completely changed. This was the first time Amanda has been rude directly to me. I was completely shocked. Amanda knows about my eating disorder, so the fact that she mentioned my weight made me see red. Had she commented on something else, I wouldn’t have said what I said, but I was so angry the words just came out of my mouth.
I shouted at her ‘at least I’m not so insufferable my husband left me’. She burst out crying and screaming that I’m bullying her and ruining Christmas (she has a penchant to overreact).
Whilst I do feel horrible for what I said and think that I shouldn’t have lashed out as I did, the elephant comment isn’t the only thing she’s said about me, she has said far more behind my back.
MIL and FIL aren’t particularly siding with her, they’re just asking me to apologize. I haven’t seen her since Christmas and I won’t apologize until she does first.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Apologize to your inlaws for the outburst. You will never get an apology from Amanda.
Amanda has probably been a jerk long before you were around. It is a problem you will not be able to fix.
No need to approach her again & ask what the problem is. Be civil when at other gatherings with her & don’t engage. Your husband & inlaws know how she is, explain to hubby if an episode like this happens again, he should be the one to call her out.” HCIBSW
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I will never understand why people think it’s okay to make unsolicited remarks about other people’s physical appearance.
You lost your temper. That’s not a crime.
You’ve also been through a lot and did not deserve that horrible remark from her.
Amanda is lucky she didn’t say something like that to me because if she had, I’d be on here asking if I was a jerk for punching her in the nose!” shlbycindy1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it were me, I’d feel bad for going low in my response, however, I wouldn’t apologize to her as I feel it was justified after her behavior.
Some people just think they can get away with whatever they want until they are taken down a peg or 2. I would, however, apologize to the in-laws for contributing to a scene at their holiday gathering, but I’d leave it at that apology.
I’d try to avoid contact with her as much as possible in the future. Maybe try to arrange to see in-laws when she isn’t around or invited.” Mo-Makes
14. AITJ For Being Mad At My Mom For Insulting My Mother-In-Law?
“I came out to my parents as a lesbian at the end of my 8th-grade year and though it was a harsh getting thrown out into the streets, eventually I was chased out of the house, and Millie, my childhood friend, now wife’s family happily took me in.
My now MIL treated me as her own and supported me through everything. A few weeks after my 22nd birthday my mother reached out hoping to reconcile, I agreed not expecting much and we talked things out, I told her about my relationship with Millie and she said that she will love me, the sinner, and not my sin.
I was put off by that but my MIL wanted me to have a good relationship with my mother so I ignored it.
It’s worth noting that my mother was raised by a boy mom, the type that pampered her sons and pushed all responsibilities onto the daughter, which resulted in my mother having this sense of responsibility to ‘call out boy moms’.
Last night we were celebrating new years and Millie and MIL spent the entire day cooking and planning out fun games to play, Millie’s brother Anthony didn’t help, not because he was pampered, but because he has a reputation for messing up food and sabotaging games so his little girls will win (he’s a total push over for his girls) so it’s an ongoing joke that we keep him tied to the couch.
Last night my mother noticed Anthony not helping and made a few passive-aggressive comments to MIL about her obvious favoritism and misogyny, MIL brushed it off not wanting to cause a fuss which I guess annoyed my mother more.
We were playing games to pass time when my mother brought up how my wife and I had a very simple low-cost wedding while Anthony had an extravagant wedding that was covered by MIL and FIL.
Before I could explain that Millie and I wanted a simple wedding she called back to Anthony not helping and ‘joked’ about MIL being a boy mom, then added ‘like one of those emotional incest ones’ at the end.
I cut in before she could say anything else and told her to be quiet before I kicked her out of my house, she got offended and I told her that she has no room to judge anyone’s parenting.
She asked what I meant by that and I said: ‘well you kicked me out when I was barely 14 and have done nothing but insult the woman who took me in and loved me unconditionally.’ My mother went silent and quickly left, we moved on and enjoyed the rest of the night but Millie pulled me aside to tell me that though she didn’t appreciate what my mother said I could have been a little nicer.
My mother was out of line but I see how it could have looked to her, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom really needed to be put in her place on this one.
Her judgmental attitude is what led her to disown you as a child and it isn’t making her any friends now. And she took NINE YEARS to reconcile with you?
Throw out the whole mom – you already have one in Millie’s mother anyway. I think Millie just felt bad for your mother and would have preferred an amiable relationship between both mothers, but she also doesn’t know the depths of what your mother has put you through with regard to your coming out.
Also screw that ‘hate the sin, love the sinner’ nonsense. She will never stop judging your relationship with that attitude. Better to let her know now and upfront that you’re not going to put up with that kind of holier-than-thou behavior in your new life if she wants to be a part of it.” danceswithronin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – While Millie and her mom may have good intentions in promoting your relationship with your mother, people who come from loving, supportive families simply don’t understand how toxic some families are.
They think that if you and your mom spend enough time together, you will somehow automagically have a good mother/daughter relationship.
How in the world can you have a positive relationship with a parent who threw you out the first chance she had because you didn’t fit her worldview?
Tell Millie and her mom that your mom is yours and you get to choose whether and how much she, or any of your family, is in your life. Make sure they understand that whatever boundary you set, that is your boundary that not only does your mother have to respect it, but your partner and MIL also have to respect it, even if they don’t understand.
Otherwise, in a few years, you’ll be on here because they invited your mother to some special event without telling you, because family. There’s family, then there’s the toxic mess some people were fortunate enough to escape with their life and sanity.
People from functional families simply can’t fathom the depths the second type of family can sink.” PomegranateReal3620
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I am of the firm belief that the minute you kick your child out for reasons such as their sexuality, possible parenthood, or personal preferences, you lose all rights to judge other parents that are doing the best for their child.
She kicked you out due to your sexuality AT 14 and wants to waltz in NINE YEARS LATER to judge your MIL as if she’s Mom of the Year.
No ma’am.
No ma’am, no ma’am, no ma’am.
Explain to Millie that while she wants to keep the peace, you cannot ignore your mom’s audacity. It needed to be called out.
Explain to her that no parent should abandon their child and return years later to act as if their parenting methods are better than the next. Because that was what your mom did with your MIL, the woman who raised you from 14 on up.
She accepted you for who you are when your mom didn’t. And to this day, she still hasn’t accepted you; any person like her wanting reconciliation wouldn’t label this as a sin.
If that’s the case, she’s a sinner as well for how she treated her child.” Pretty_Princess90210
13. AITJ For Accepting Funds From My Dad?
I (24f) have a sister (27f), and we have the same dad who is moving to a different state this week. Our parents got a divorce when we were little and we saw our dad maybe twice a month if that.
Now that we’re older we don’t talk that often. Growing up my dad didn’t always have a lot of money to give us for gifts or clothes and such but my sister and I understood.
Now we’re older and he sold his house and is moving down south. Which is fine by me, my sister not so much. She took it a lot harder than I did.
Recently I reached out to my dad asking when he’s leaving and we were talking for a bit. He randomly told me that he wanted to send me some long overdue money because he sold his house and got a decent amount for it.
I told him he didn’t have to do that but I greatly appreciate it.
Here’s my dilemma: I wanted to talk to my sister about it but I’m reluctant because I’m worried he’s not sending her any funds.
I feel selfish if I were to accept it if she’s not receiving anything. I talked to my mom about it and she said to accept the funds and not bring it up with my sister.
I spoke to my friends too and they said just to accept it because it might make my relationship with my dad even worse. I’m very conflicted. I haven’t thought about asking my dad if he’s sending her any funds just because I don’t want to start something.
I think he’s hurt by how she reacted to him moving. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are both overthinking and underthinking it. Your dad may have given similar funds to your sister in the past and this may be him making things “even.” Maybe your dad paid for your sister’s college/wedding/house down payment and he thinks this may be the last big chunk of change he’ll have to help you before buckling down for retirement.
Or maybe your dad is also giving your sister funds now and asked that she not discuss it with you (it could be some dumb ‘test’ of whether he can trust you both with something).
You don’t know. Plus, it’s your dad’s money to do with as he wishes. Failing your sister being in dire need of funds (which you said in the comments she doesn’t), just take the funds.
You can always keep it and set it aside for when you feel good about spending or gifting it.” schroobster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and overthinking but… cute. Buuuut… it seems like you need it.
So I’d say regardless of the situation don’t refuse. You can take the funds… and then if you really really want to… you can ask your sister if she has received any, and if she has cool, if she hasn’t you can ask if she wants to split what you have.
Or… you can ask your father, was wondering, is it just me, or are you sending something to sis too? (it’s an innocent question, and in this case, if she doesn’t get anything and you want to keep all of it… you are avoiding financial disputes).” justMe482
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but there’s absolutely no need to bring it up. You never know what he is or might be doing for her, and respectably, it’s none of your business just as what you receive is none of hers.
There is no reason to create a rift between you and your sister over what you or she may or may not receive.” HolyUnicornBatman
12. AITJ For Ruining My Dinner?
“My (30M) family has always been broken and divided. My dad’s side and mom’s side have always loathed each other for as long as I remember and I had gotten caught in the crossfire a lot growing up.
Last year I moved to the UK for my job and only now for the holidays I completely surprised my family by just showing up after a year and a half.
I grew up the majority with my grandparents as my dad lived there too and my school and work were a lot easier accessible compared to my mom that lived in the middle of nowhere.
I made plans to spend Xmas eve with my mom and my siblings but my sister got sick so we had to postpone it till today, January 1st. I had plans for NYE so I needed to see if I would make it to my mom’s.
Apparently, my grandparents planned a whole dinner for me but didn’t tell me so I couldn’t plan as nicely. I rushed out from my mom’s to get there as soon as possible because my (dad’s side) family is relentless in guilt-tripping and gaslighting me for the smallest of things.
I literally left shaking in tears being so scared to get all that stuff thrown over me. My mom is super upset because I made her feel like a background character but she completely understands why I rushed out.
Now I arrived at my family home and lo and behold I was BOMBARDED with insults and me needing to be more mindful of my grandparents and that I am a selfish person and whatnot.
My family also does not converse. There’s only their view and that’s it.
I endured it a lot growing up but now I just couldn’t, they were ganging up on me 7 to 1 and I snapped. Saying they needed to get off my back, had they told me about the dinner I would’ve been able to plan it a lot better.
And that I am a grown man for the love of God and don’t need to be reprimanded for missing dinner.
My family was livid that I backtalked and upset my grandparents that went out of their way to host a dinner in my honor.
They’re not leaving me alone and are calling me ungrateful. My mom said it was time I stood up to them for these minor things.
I’m so torn, AITJ for ruining my dinner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – they didn’t tell you about it, so how could you plan?! Also, you still freaking made it. After flying across the world! For crying out loud, your family needs a good long lesson in kindness and perspective and not being jerks just because they can.
You know this though, you know your dad’s side of the family is caught up in their narcissistic circle, for whatever reason. It sucks when family, whom we’re taught to put above all others, do not deserve that place.
So much easier said than done, but can you tell them to suck it and until they do, just ditch? Boundaries etc. Not everyone deserves to be in our lives just because we happen to be related. Good on you for standing up to them!” rayrayonthewayway
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It sounds like your father’s side has been playing this game all your life, every time they know you are going to spend time with your mother they sabotage it.
You have been conditioned to accept this narcissistic bullying and we often don’t realize how simple it is to break this cycle and put a stop to it. Trust me when you do you will give a huge sigh of relief and the sky won’t fall in.
You are Pavlov’s dog, take yourself away from the proverbial bell, if you can’t hear it you can’t salivate.
Pack your bags now and leave, go back to your Mum’s, and have a good long talk with her about the history that caused all this so you have some perspective on the whole situation.
Do not let them hoover you back in you need time to heal away from the toxicity. Block them until and if you feel you are ready to deal with them again with new boundaries put in place, but honestly, I would hold my breath thinking they will change.” noiseymissketta
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! It’s terrible to read how badly some parts of your family seem to be treating you. That is definitely not okay in any way. I agree with your mom, it’s good you stood up to them, and there’s no reason for you to feel bad about standing up for yourself.
We often try to please the people around us and forget to please ourselves. We have to remember to take better care of ourselves. While it must be painful, I personally would consider cutting ties with that part of the family as it sounds extremely toxic, and life is way too short to be around toxic people.
Good luck!” TigerDRena
11. AITJ For Commenting On The Way My Partner's Dad Treated Her?
“My partner and I were hanging out on zoom and we were having a great time.
We were talking about how we got punished as children. It was her turn and she told me that one time her dad didn’t like her grades so he made her walk 5 miles in the rain without an umbrella.
She was laughing about it and I asked if she was exaggerating and she said she wasn’t and it had rained super hard and she had been drenched when she got home and she was just 14 when it happened.
I was taken aback and I didn’t respond to her and she asked me what was wrong. I told her that it was not a normal punishment for not getting good grades and seemed cruel.
She got very defensive and said those punishments were why she got into our college and she wasn’t like me. She called me a rich princess who got handed things.
I have been trying to reach her but she is not responding to me and I feel like I didn’t handle the situation well at all. My social skills are not great and I think I should have just not brought up my opinion on how her parents raised her to myself.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Both you and your partner are not a jerk. Many people already stated that she might be in shock. She just learned her father gave her a harsh punishment that is not normal or should be considered commonplace.
And she fully believed her father gave her ‘tough love’ to succeed. She is probably also reflecting a lot on her childhood and noticing similar patterns. And if not, she still needs processing time.
However, because you care about her, I suggest apologizing to her. An ‘I am sorry that what I said caused you to hurt. It was not my intention.’ Use ‘I felt’ statements.
Then frame it as nicely as possible because her feelings for this are more important than you feeling correct (not saying that is what you are aiming for). Then, only talk about the situation on her terms. Even state, we can talk when she is ready and that you’ll be there for her no matter what.
It is hard to process being a victim. Nobody wants to believe it, which is why people react negatively.
But a fair warning – she may never want to work through her childhood.
This would be known further down the road with other situations coming up similar to this one. If she does not want to see that her childhood was messed up, you’ll have to think about what effect it has on you.
She can cope how she wants, but you also can cope how you want.” Impossible-Simple-62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but lots of people don’t like to become the ‘victim’ in a scenario.
You can recognize that she is a victim of awful parenting but she does not want to recognize that and she isn’t ready to yet. Accepting your own past and the true nature of it is almost like grieving for the past that you remembered to have.
Grief has five stages that can happen in any order: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. You may see her go through these as she thinks about or she may just prefer denial. Either way, her reaction is very indicative of a coping mechanism and it may be best to say I’m sorry and that you didn’t mean to say anything against her dad and maybe just tell her that it’s her perspective on the situation that is most important.
If she wants to revisit it later, you can be there for her but it’s a very difficult thing to navigate.” astroqueerhere
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You merely said your opinion and your partner said hers.
This sort of thing can be taken personally and makes everybody upset. Not much you can do but wait until heads are cooler and then have a discussion about it, but be open to listening to her views and don’t attack her dad personally.
Just explain why you believe this punishment is cruel.
Personally, I disagree with your assessment. When I was a teenager, I often had to walk outside in the rain without an umbrella.
Not as a punishment, but just because that happens in life. 5 miles seems far, but this is quite possibly an exaggeration because teenagers tend to be dramatic about things and our memories are not particularly reliable when it comes to these things.
I frequently cycle that distance in the rain. I have walked that distance in the rain on more than one occasion. I wouldn’t consider it to be a particularly inhumane experience.
And clearly, she does not remember the experience with too much dread. So just be open to listening to why she does not view it as cruel and do your best to explain your perspective without coming across as judging her father personally.” geleisen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is hard. I was a lot like your partner. When parents do cruel things to us as kids we wrap that up and call it love.
‘It was for my own good!’ ‘It made me a stronger person.’ ‘It’s why I succeeded and others didn’t.’ Well yeah, adversity builds character. BUT, there are ways a parent can teach all of those things without being cruel.
It takes a long time to separate the love you feel for your parents from the fact that they did awful stuff. It took me until my early 30s to admit that what my mom did was mistreatment.
Your partner probably isn’t ready to see what you see. However, I will say this, that for me, someone saying that the stuff my mom did was cruel also felt like love.
Even if I argued with them. For someone to care about what I went through mattered to me even if I wasn’t ready to care myself. Those moments helped me eventually accept that what my mom did was mistreatment.” polly6119
Wait for her to broach the subject and give her time. You've spotlighted an example, now she needs to look in bright light on her own to see the difference between tough love and abuse. Once she's ready she'll come to you.
NTJ, just be there when the Kool-Aid gets dumped.
10. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Consult Me First Before Promoting My Services?
“I got a text last night from my mom telling me that my uncle (62M) is going to call me today at 2 pm to talk about his health. I have a degree in the area he wants to talk about.
I’m just bothered by it because it will take a lot of explaining and I know that he won’t do anything about what I tell him to do to improve his situation.
My mom offered my services without running them by me and expects me to be fine with it. He also isn’t paying me or anything not that I’d charge a lot but to me, if you do something free for one person other people expect it for free too.
Once I got home today, I brought it up that it bothered me and told her not to offer my services to other people. She said I was being a jerk and that she does a lot of favors for me but I don’t feel it’s her place to be offering this out to people without my permission.
AITJ for being bothered that she didn’t run it by me first or even ask?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t have to justify why you aren’t giving advice.
However, if you feel that you must offer an explanation then simply say that you are not permitted to offer advice without doing a full health run-down, and you don’t have time to do that for your uncle at this point.
When your uncle calls, tell him the same thing; I can’t ethically give you advice without knowing your full background.
Tell mother that this is not a ‘favor’ it’s part of your training, for which you should be compensated, and since you don’t feel comfortable asking your uncle for pay in this situation then the only solution is for him to make a formal appointment with you in order for you to obtain his full background.
Most importantly, tell mother that you won’t be helping uncle today, or anyone else under these circumstances, whether she has promised them that you will or not. Then stick to it.
Do it once, and you’re stuck.” CandylandCanada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your mum doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Doing favors for you has nothing to do with the situation, you’re literally being roped into something you don’t even know about until, after the fact, the least she can do is ASK you before throwing you into the deep end.
What she doesn’t seem to understand is that there are ethical issues at play here, and you can be held liable if something goes wrong and the other person feels like it’s your fault, even if you are a specialist there’s a reason why you do these things in an official capacity.” ThePunchlineIsFunny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you practice in that area of expertise, then say that in general, an in-person consult is really the only way to really address his needs and he is more than welcome to make an appointment.
Or that you do not feel comfortable advising family/friends and point him where he can go. Keep doing that and your mom will finally realize that you are not going to fight her on it but you also are not going to do what she wants.” embracedthegrey
9. AITJ If I Refuse To Look After My Cousin's Dog?
“My cousin, we’ll call her Dani, has a Jack Russell named fittingly Flash.
He’s an adorable little Pup, but he can be a bit much at times. I usually didn’t mind watching him, but a few times, she was supposed to only leave him with me for a week, but I ended up keeping him for much longer.
Yesterday she asked if next week she could leave him with me again for a while and I’m thinking about saying no. See, I have a kitten, only about a few months old and he absolutely detests that dog.
Every time he comes over, I have to put him in my bedroom (he likes to fight for some reason), then listen to him fuss about it for at least an hour until he finally goes to sleep or plays with his toys.
And because I personally don’t think it’s fair to have him trapped for days and he lives here, I put the dog in the guest room and let the cat have his freedom for a little while, but then I have to listen to the dog whine and scratch at the door until I get sick of listening to him whining so I swap them back.
Rinse and repeat until he goes home.
Long story short there’s a reason I own a cat instead.
But this time thinking about refusing. Constantly she leaves him with me longer than agreed and I end up having to spend the funds I have for my cat’s food, to get him more.
I want to suggest she leave him with her mom, since she loves having Flash over, and always has extra food just for him. I don’t like having to keep my cat cooped up in my room basically all day for who knows how long, and I have to make sure to make time to walk him or he’ll do his business right on my living room floor.
I honestly don’t want to keep him this time, but I don’t want to seem like a jerk for declining solely because I don’t feel like it. So… honestly WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She has taken advantage of your generosity in the past by dumping the dog with you for far longer than she promised.
I’m assuming you’ve been doing this for free?
Then feel freer to say no. She can always have the dog boarded.
If she’s trashy enough to just dump and drive the dog at your place, you have all the right to call her and say ‘If you don’t pick up your dog this instant, I will be sending the dog to the pound.'” Maleficent_Ad_3958
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Pet sitting is a valuable service, to the extent that some people do it for a living full-time. You’ve done this favor for her repeatedly, and even once was more than you owed her.
It’s impractical because her dog and your cat aren’t friends; because she often ends up exceeding the specified timeframe; because you often have to pay for the privilege of doing her this favor.
She’s abusing your kindness, and there is nothing remotely jerky about deciding enough is enough.
To be honest, she was the jerk before she even tried to impose upon you.
A pet is not an accessory, a pet is a living being. When you invite a living being to share your home, you are responsible for giving that being a home.
Not just a house, but a home, and that includes affection and bonding. People who travel frequently and indefinitely shouldn’t own pets – particularly dogs, as they are so emotionally dependent.
She’s a bad dog mom, and like most bad parents, she’s fobbing off her responsibilities onto other people. She’s the jerk, you’re not.” TurtleTheMoon
8. WIBTJ If I Don't Want To Get Another Dog?
“My husband and I have two kids, 6 and 8. My husband grew up always having some type of animal. My father was really allergic to pet dander so we never really had animals growing up so I am quite uncomfortable around animals.
When we were together, he had dogs but they died when our kids were babies still.
When our oldest was 5 he wanted a puppy for his birthday. We picked out a really cute shelter dog.
I was fine with it because my husband worked from home and we had a big backyard. A year afterward my husband had to go back to working in the office again because of a promotion.
That year he surprised the kids with another puppy for Christmas. I was really upset about it but he promised the kids would be the sole caretakers like he was for his dog at that age.
Yeah, our kids weren’t that interested in the dogs after they realized how much work it is. I was always really annoyed by the dogs and to be honest, I probably wasn’t the best owner.
I’m not heartless and I realized that no one was going to care for the dogs except me. I ended up really loving those dogs. A few months ago our first dog got cancer and we needed to put her down.
It was really hard on me. Right before Christmas our second dog got attacked at the dog park and we had to put her down. I’m still really upset.
My husband and the kids miss having the dogs.
I don’t, not in a heartless way but I realize that animals are a lot of work and I am not a great owner. I know especially with my husband working in the office again that I will have to take care of any prospective new animals.
I really want to wait a few years before we get another dog so I don’t end up stuck with it. My husband hates that idea and is assuring me that I will only have to take care of the dog while the kids are at school and they will do everything else.
I am trusting him he will be better about making the kids more responsible because I know how much he loves animals but the kids lose interest in things fast after the newness wears off.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ask your husband if he’s going to pick up poop from the yard and play with the dog after he gets home from work every day when the kids don’t.
No? Then why does he expect you to? If your kids aren’t at an age where they can or will take full responsibility, then there’s no need to get a dog.
If he really wants pets around – try a hamster. Much easier to care for and not nearly as intrusive in the house. I respect that you’re able to acknowledge that you aren’t the best dog owner and that – without your kids taking full responsibility – your household isn’t in the position to be the ideal environment for a dog again right now.
Your husband needs to respect that.” shuckaladon
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ and I say this as the biggest dog lover there is. I have had nine.
They are a lot of work and it’s not even the work per se, it’s the constant ‘where is the dog, does the dog need to go out/a walk/a bath/to be fed/to be brushed/a nail trim/a vet visit/flea meds’ data stream in your head.
My dogs are particularly high maintenance, but even easy dogs have to be thought about pretty continually.
You know from experience you will end up doing all of the work, physical and mental. Your husband is kidding himself and your kids will be kids and get on their phones and forget about the dog in about three days.
That’s just how kids are.
Moreover, the pain of losing dogs you love is BRUTAL. Just brutal. I have loved and lost seven over the years, I have a super senior right now and a seven-year-old retriever and while I am looking at getting another puppy, I am, for the first time, really conflicted about it because I know how it ends.
And I know how it’s about to end with my super senior and that it HURTS for a very long time.
Stand your ground. If you want a break from dog ownership, say so and mean it, and for the record, a ‘surprise puppy,’ if you didn’t know about it ahead of time, was a completely trashy thing to do.
It’s almost as bad as you deciding to have another child and not involving him in that decision and then ‘surprise’! Tell him and tell him emphatically not to pull that stunt again.
NTJ times a zillion.” NoreastNorwest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m sorry for your loss.
The family wanted dogs, you went along with it for their sake. The second one wasn’t even something you were consulted on, from what I’m reading.
In the end, it was you caring for both pets. Now that kids this young are not going to fully take care of two dogs from here to eternity, that was to be expected. You expected that and made sure this did not lead to neglect.
You didn’t just give the dogs away because they didn’t walk them or whatever either. You did everything that could reasonably expect and the dog’s tragic fate was not your fault.
However, just because you would still have been caring for these two, had tragedy not struck, does not mean it would be ok to ‘start over’. A new dog is a lot of work, be it a puppy or a rescue.
Your kids (although I can’t blame them, they’re kids) and your partner (who I can blame because he knows how these things go) showed you the first time around that they loved the idea of having a dog a whole lot more than caring for two dogs.
The person doing most of the work is the one who ultimately decides. On top of that, you are aware that your being the owner is probably not in the best interest of any dog.
I don’t know if that’s a fair assessment, but it’s yours to make.
It is easier to set new ground rules before a new dog is brought in than it was to change things when the patterns were already in place.
The kids are a bit older now too. However, 8 and 6 are nowhere near old enough to take care of a dog (mostly) by themselves. Their lives are going to change in ways they can’t yet imagine, making it more difficult for them to care for a pet.
Not to mention priorities change in puberty, and dogs don’t tend to end up higher on the list than friends, crushes, sports, and then there’s homework or maybe even a part-time job.
Your partner doesn’t seem to have taken a new job since that would allow for a more equal division of dog duties. They all know that, should they lose interest again once the dog is here, you would not allow the pet to be neglected. You’re not going to send it to a shelter either.
So it’s very, very safe to do so.
Don’t get a dog, unless YOU want one. It’s going to end up being your responsibility, not theirs, no matter what they say.” TheOldPetrillo
7. AITJ For Wearing A Bridesmaid Dress?
“I (25F) attended my cousin’s (30M) wedding a few weeks ago, wearing a long, dark blue dress I had gotten from the thrift store. It was absolutely gorgeous and I thought it would be perfect, as the invitation said formal attire.
I had looked at the brand of the dress up online after I bought it, and while I realized it was a bridesmaid dress from a bridal company, I assumed that someone had donated it after a wedding.
I arrived at the venue with my sister (27F), and to my horror, the bridesmaids walked out in the same dress I was wearing! My sister whispered to me that I needed to go home and change (we live close by, but I feel like that would’ve been a big hassle).
Instead, I decided the best course of action would be to go up to the bride (30F), introduce myself, and let her know I had no idea that was the dress the bridesmaids would be wearing.
She laughed it off and said it was fine, but I could tell she was slightly annoyed at the whole situation, and one of the bridesmaids was practically shooting daggers at me the rest of the night.
I just got off the phone with my cousin today, and he said that he didn’t think I did anything wrong, but the bride thought that it was rude of me to not ask what the bridesmaids were wearing, since I knew I had bought an old bridesmaid dress.
My sister agrees with him, but my mom and friends say that it’s not like I was wearing white or anything, and it wasn’t that big of a deal. AITJ?
Edit with important info: my sister, who is closer to the bride than I am, found out that there was a bridesmaid that was uninvited last minute. So the dress I found at the thrift store was probably her dress.
Just small-town things.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – You seem to have good intentions overall and have learned a lesson. In the future, pay attention to wedding invites – of course, the recent crisis has changed some of this – but most invites will be in the wedding colors.
Try not to wear those shades. If you can’t deduce from the invite – ask the bride and indicate you want your formal dress to not match the party and want to make sure it looks great in the crowds of dancers on the floor all night.
Brides are used to this question and parents of the couple/wedding party are also able to help.
With that, the bride is not at fault for being taken aback that you chose to wear the dress after finding out it was a bridesmaid dress.
The bride was probably nervous about being labeled a bridezilla by giving her true feelings when you inappropriately put her on the spot. It wasn’t an appropriate question to ask, especially as it was probably easier to change than bother a bride getting ready (wedding timelines are notoriously behind schedule).
Lessons learned. Apologize to make amends but no need to grovel.” MonkeySauceum
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. I think what some people are missing is that you got this dress from a thrift store.
This tells me 2 things. 1. Your pockets (most likely) aren’t flowing with money and 2. Probably wouldn’t have a backup dress suitable for a wedding. You picked out a nice dress and coincidentally it turned out to be the same as her bridesmaids.
So what? It’s easier to just laugh it off, have fun with it and even make jokes about how she didn’t order any extra bridesmaids. Instead of having fun with it, she decided to be salty.
That’s a her-problem, not a you-problem. Water off your back, don’t think any further of it.
Been to multiple weddings, and all RSVPs came with either a dress code or just the color scheme of the wedding so people could dress accordingly.
I thought this was the norm, nobody ever asked the brides or bridesmaids what they were wearing because it was pretty much there on the RSVP. I also wore the same suit as my best friend at his wedding, as a joke, and he and his bride thought it was hilarious.
I had another suit with me just in case, but they told me not to, so… the bride had 2 husbands for the day.” TheOneAndOnlyFen
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You didn’t know the color scheme beforehand and bought your dress from a thrift shop, so there was no possibility of knowing that the dress was identical to the bridesmaids’.
The bride was also nice enough to laugh it off — I can see why she would be annoyed. Obviously, her bridesmaids are in a certain outfit for a reason, to show their significance.
A guest showing up in the same outfit probably feels like it’s taking away from that. I understand the circumstances, but since you lived close maybe it would have been better to go home and change.
Check the color scheme beforehand in the future!” sxw_102
Another User Comments:
“Just because the dress was described as a bridesmaid dress doesn’t mean you should have had the foresight to ask or to know that this dress was the wrong one to get.
I mean of all of the dresses in the world, how were you to know this was THE dress they would have on? That being said I think it is really their own problem.
I have no idea why the bride kicked someone out of the bridal party, but doing so after the bridesmaid has already gotten the dress unless and for a truly heinous reason, seems like an event for Karma.
It’s really their issue, not yours. NTJ.” Special-Parsnip9057
6. AITJ For Ditching My Friends After A New Year's Eve Party?
“My (18M) friends and I gathered for an NYE party. The party was hosted at our friend Taylor’s (20F) home. There were 7 of us in total at this party, all around the same age.
There was a lot of drinking at the party, and everyone besides myself and Taylor had an excessive amount (I was smoking at the party, which is important for later).
As the night went on, people started throwing up all over the place, on the carpet, in the sinks and trash bins and toilets, and just on the floor as well.
The whole party was a mess.
Taylor and I, the least intoxicated of the group, were left to clean up the puke around the whole house, throw away all the booze and trash, wash the dishes, etc. This started at about 10:30 pm and ended around 2 am when we left Taylor’s house, so we were cleaning for a significant amount of time, all while having to take care of five other wasted people.
It was a complete disaster. I consider these people my best friends, and while it was exhausting and annoying, we got it done and I was okay with cleaning and taking care of everyone.
However, this is the part that made me leave: Throughout the night, our friend Ashton (20M) was incredibly insulting and demeaning to me in particular. He was trying to provoke me all night, not listening when I was trying to help him stop puking, trying to drink more after throwing up for a better part of an hour, and sitting alone in the cold snow outside.
I know that he was wasted, but he was just being a general nuisance to myself and Taylor. He called me an addict for wanting to be high during the party, which really annoyed me.
He was just being a jerk in general, which isn’t out of character for him. I just tried to contain myself and keep helping everyone out.
We had planned before that we would leave Taylor’s house after the party and stay at our friend Josh’s (17M) home.
At this point I was completely sober, so I drove everyone to Josh’s where we would all spend the night. At Josh’s, I was really getting fed up with Ashton.
He was trying to get me to sleep on the bed, he wanted more drinks, he continued provoking and saying insulting things, etc. I kept refusing everything he was saying, but he was insistent.
I was drained from cleaning at Taylor’s and just wanted to be alone at that point, so I got in my car and left. Everyone else was asleep and safe, so I figured it was fine to leave.
Ashton kept provoking me even as I was walking out the door. I was just done dealing with his nonsense so I left. I don’t know if it was the best idea to leave wasted people alone like that, but I couldn’t take it any longer.
It’s important to note that Ashton is a close friend of mine whom I care about. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ashton sounds like he’s got something going on.
What did you mean when you said he was trying to get you to sleep on the bed? Was Ashton on the bed? Has he done this before when he was wasted?
Does he always focus on you when he does this?
You do NOT deserve to be in that type of situation. He is being cruel and it’s hurtful when someone does that.
You may need to cut Ashton out of your life. First, talk to him but if he dismisses you just move on. If you have to cut Ashton out talk to Taylor.
She was there she should understand. Ashton may try to tell everyone that you’re just being overly sensitive and there should be someone who can back you up.” polly6119
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need better friends. Their being wasted is not an excuse to be a jerk, they are also adults. They should be able to manage themselves when they are wasted, unfortunately, it seems they are still stuck in the immature phase.
If Ashton can’t control himself when he’s wasted then he should not drink a lot.” AngelicalGirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Honestly, I would’ve left right after driving them to your friend’s house.
You’re clearly a good friend who cares about them. Not only did you clean up their mess, but you also looked out for their safety while they were out of it.
They practically ruined your night as well. I would look for some other friends, but I also know this can be difficult, so I would advise you to talk to them about this in a serious manner, as this resulted in a struggle for you.” User
5. AITJ For Being Mad About My Roommate Not Picking Up After Their Dog?
“I’m currently renting a place with my friends and there is currently conflict and fighting going on regarding their dog’s poop not being picked up for a very long time.
My roommate’s partner owns a dog and he had to leave the country for a little bit so he tasked my roommate to take care of it.
Everyone in the household has memory issues and so I empathized with their situation and cleaned up the dog’s leavings when they would forget and then remind them later to be more mindful and make sure it’s picked up more often.
After a while, it got to the point where our neighbors were complaining about flies because the poop was left for so long that we ended up with a big fly problem.
Once again I clean up the dog poop to avoid getting into trouble and remind my roommate that it’s not being picked up and that they need to set reminders for themselves or something.
Now this happens another couple of times. I try not to get angry but get progressively more stern every time. One night I got fed up and once they came back from work I asked them to clean the poop.
Apparently, they got angry at me for asking them to clean up after a long shift. The last straw was when they complained to their partner about me saying that I am scolding them and that it was demeaning for an adult to get scolded by another adult.
I also found out that my roommate has been lying to their partner about taking care of the dog when I was the one doing that in their place.
To say that I didn’t get absolutely mad is an understatement.
I went to them and demanded to know why they were lying about this when all I’d been doing is cleaning up for them. They told me that they didn’t ask for my help so I shouldn’t have been cleaning up in the first place.
Even after complaints from neighbors and the fly infestations.
I did get very angry about this and I’m wondering if I blew my lid a bit too much or if I am justified in doing so because this is absolutely ridiculous to me.
I have a history of being gaslit and having people tell lies to my face so I need an outsider’s opinion to get a more objective view of this situation.”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. You didn’t sign up for this, they did.
It’s not just flies. Dogs can get very sick if they wade through their own feces and it can also attract rats and other vermin that carry diseases that can affect both dogs AND humans.
I’m going to guess this person isn’t going to be the one to notice if the dog becomes sick, or take it to the vet if it does.
I’d be very tempted to contact the dog’s owner and tell him that his dog is being neglected (is anyone walking this dog?) and that he needs to find another arrangement for his care.
So your roommate would be mad at you… they already are… and it’s true.
And I would be looking for another place to live.” NoreastNorwest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s your roommate’s responsibility to pick up dog poop, especially if it’s a rental with neighbors close by.
Poop should be picked up at least every couple of days (or immediately if it’s in an area where someone might step in it). I’d stop picking up after them and let the roommate deal with the angry neighbors.” middlingwhiteguy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is your roommate’s primary responsibility, and if they have memory problems then they need to set a recurring alarm on their phone as a reminder.
This is easily solvable, but they are refusing and gaslighting you.
If they don’t apologize and start taking responsibility, your next move might need to be finding a new living situation.” KittenSnowMittens
4. AITJ For Making My Kids Eat Mac And Cheese Again?
“We had to move in with MIL. We have no intentions of living here, but FIL sold the house we were living in out from under us and gave us almost no notice.
MIL and I had a huge fight this morning because I wouldn’t cook her breakfast and it escalated to a screaming match. I’m not proud of that at all. Later I went downstairs and overheard some of a private conversation in which MIL admitted that she did not love her grandchildren and ‘yeah they are cute, but it isn’t any different than seeing a cute kid at a grocery store.
They aren’t my family. I don’t love them.’ I was furious. I was actually trembling I was so angry but I didn’t say anything.
MIL came up a little while later and knocked on the door and asked if we wanted food.
She was getting something delivered. I said no thanks there is food in the house. MIL snapped at me that there is no food in the house and I better not think I’m getting her leftovers from last night.
My kids heard this and my 5-year-old wanted uber eats, but I said no we don’t need anything from MIL. There is mac and cheese. MIL snapped at me that I am so ‘righteous’ and my kids are sick of mac and cheese.
I whispered I heard what you said and that shut her up and she left.
When their food came my 5-year-old went to get water and I was making the mac and cheese and he began to cry and say he can’t eat mac and cheese again and why wouldn’t I let him have a sub?
MIL’s partner gave him a random muffin and said ‘God your mom is ridiculous.’ I snatched my son up and went to our room and locked the door. I called my husband and told him everything and he said I was being a jerk and he sounded like he was going to cry and said I should have let our kids have subs and he can’t talk to me anymore and he hung up on me.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re living rent-free in her home, you previously lived rent-free without roommates in another one of their homes.
Each one of the comments you made makes you look worse.
I think you’re stressing your in-laws out to the point where they have active contempt for you that’s making it hard for them to see you as a mother to their grandchildren.
It sounds like you have general problems with emotional regulation (all these fights you’re getting into and then regretting with the people paying for your lifestyle, then punishing your kids with trashy food instead of food they like because you feel emotional).
The fact that your mom isn’t stable enough to host you and lives with a convict probably suggests you weren’t parented well. You need to examine why you’re making villains out of all the people around you, including those literally keeping you from being homeless.
And make sure all the emotional reactions you’re having to these perceived slights are actually valid and of the right magnitude. Given that you’re punishing your kids because you can’t regulate your emotions, I’m going to assume that you’re overreacting to a lot and projecting things onto your supportive in-laws that aren’t accurate.” mime454
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your FIL doesn’t owe you a house. Your MIL doesn’t owe you a roof over your head either. Your FIL was doing you a favor, your MIL is doing you a favor.
Sit down with your MIL, thank her, apologize, and then discuss the practicalities of living together: who cooks, when, what, what are the routines for getting delivery; and what about other chores: cleaning, laundry, childcare, etc. Talk all of it through, discuss expectations and come up with a plan that works for everyone in the household (it will include compromise!).
You are an unwelcome guest in your MIL’s house – there is more onus on you to make it work.” steveholtismymother
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sounds like you’re putting your hatred of MIL over your kids.
It’s so very petty, all because you had an argument because she wanted you to make breakfast for her. Sure, as you said, you’re not her maid but you are living what sounds like rent-free in her house and it sounds like it’s causing resentment if she’s saying you and the kids aren’t family and she’s not speaking to her son.
It seems like the situation stemmed from here:
‘MIL and I had a huge fight this morning because I wouldn’t cook her breakfast and it escalated to a screaming match.’
You didn’t want to do her a favor. You argued. She blew off steam by having a private convo and saying some not-so-nice things. You overheard and let your fury color your actions.
Often, nothing good comes of overhearing private conversations.
And it sounds like the whole delivery thing could have been an olive branch/apology.
OP, you need to grow and be the bigger person, despite your dislike of MIL.
It sounds like your attitude towards MIL is making life more difficult for everyone. You don’t have to like her and your dislike may even be justified but she’s currently putting a roof over your family’s heads so learn to suck it up and don’t let your kids miss out (even on something as basic as a meal that’s not mac and cheese) just because you want to be petty.
Let’s be honest, is making breakfast for her or accepting the offer of delivery such a hard ask when you’re living under her roof?
This is all about perspective and it seems like yours is skewed. When you’re not living under her roof, be as petty as you like but when you are, you need to be the bigger person.
Let stuff go. It will make your life much easier.” fgvkfea615
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here: first of all, living rent-free for years under FIL and then mooching off of MIL… where is all the money going if at least one of you is still working?
Rent and utilities (if also avoided) are huge expenses which are being avoided here – as is child care. If the FIL laughed when he did what he did… Seems like he probably gave warnings, and threats of doing so for months for whatever reason – unless he’s just incredibly diabolical. Sounds like there is more to the story here.
The MIL sounds like a jerk so she isn’t excused either. But yeah you are living there so you should help out with basically everything whether you want to or not.
I do want to agree with what someone else said here, I doubt the kid is being ill-fed. The kid heard of the takeout and then wanted it, then when didn’t get it got upset.
I see this all the time when an idea is presented to a kid or flashed in front of them. But whatever, if the awful MIL wants to pay for something for the kid then suck up the pride and let her, her decision.
She must not hate the kids so much if she’s offering. You don’t need to have anything though. Sounds like lots of Mac and cheese to go around for you.” lila1720
3. AITJ For Telling My In-Laws First About My Pregnancy?
“I started experiencing minor pregnancy symptoms a week before my husband went on a business trip but at the time we weren’t trying and I kept making excuses for the symptoms so I never took a test. A few days after he left, the symptoms suddenly got a lot worse and my period was late so I bought a test and took it for peace of mind.
It was positive and I was really excited but I wanted to tell my husband in person instead of over the phone so my plan was to keep it to myself until he got back.
Things didn’t work out that way because during lunch with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law I suddenly felt lightheaded and very nauseous. It worried them and they wanted to take me to the hospital even though I kept telling them I was fine.
My sister-in-law made a joke about me being pregnant and my facial expression made it obvious to them.
That night I received a call from my very upset husband. He asked me if I was pregnant and why he had to hear it from his sister.
He was very upset that I had told them before him, and he felt like I should’ve told him immediately when I found out even if it meant telling him on the phone because finding out from his sister was worse than finding out on the phone.
Was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were put on the spot, and waiting to share news like that in person is reasonable to want to do. I’d say your SIL overstepped. Even if someone alluded to being pregnant, I’d wait until they had explicitly said so to contact anyone else or talk about it.
There’s a reason people wait until the 3-month threshold to share pregnancies. Before someone clearly wants me to know and tells me the news is ‘public,’ it’s not my place to bring it up with others.
Even if a joke/guess is ‘confirmed,’ it still hasn’t become their news to share without approval by the pregnant person.” AdOpposite8101
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ. You didn’t tell your husband, you didn’t tell your in-laws that you hadn’t told your husband (a look that gave it away and then not asking them to not discuss it is communication faults of your own making), and then not making an effort after that to tell your husband is just setting yourself up for this.
And to the people blaming the SIL, unless the OP states that she asked them to not say anything, wouldn’t you be reaching out to your own sibling to congratulate them on the new baby?
I absolutely would. The obvious assumption is that he would know.” rons-mkay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Did you mention to his sister that he didn’t know yet? Because if you told her and she still spilled the beans, then she is a massive jerk.
If you forgot to mention it, well baby brain got you and you apologize to him for the circumstance while making it very clear that you DIDN’T tell them anything, they stumbled into the truth and you couldn’t help it.
Things happen, which with a baby coming, you’ll learn firsthand.
You were trying to give happy news in person and it backfired, and he has some right to be a little put out because of fate, but if he’s blaming you and blowing it up into a huge thing, he’s also a jerk.” smokey_flutterby
Another User Comments:
“You know your husband better than we do, so there is one very important question that only you can answer but entirely changes the verdict. So, would it have been more important to him to find out right away, or is he the type to prefer hearing this in person?
If you genuinely didn’t know him well enough to know which he would prefer, that in and of itself is a problem.
If you thought he would prefer to hear soon rather than in person but waited to tell him because that’s what you prefer, I would have to go with YTJ.
Surprising someone in person the way you prefer instead of telling them at the speed they prefer is perfectly fine for things like you getting a promotion at work, but should absolutely not be used for something as serious as the fact that someone has fathered a child unless you know they’ll be receptive to the surprise.
If you thought he would prefer waiting to hear that in person, I would have to go with ‘no jerks here’ but with you toeing the line. You thought you did the right thing for his preferences, in-laws didn’t know that he didn’t know (according to one of your comments), but you really should have called him to let him know once your in-laws found out (or maybe just not go out with your in-laws while you’re having symptoms and waiting to tell your husband).
If you two got married and got serious enough that a positive pregnancy makes you excited rather than even slightly worried, but somehow you still don’t know him well enough to know what he would prefer here… That would be somewhere between YTJ and ‘everyone sucks here’ for me.” SnakesInYerPants
2. AITJ For Refusing To Hang Out With My MIL On My One Night Off From The Kids?
” “My husband and I (both 30) never get out because we have kiddos and don’t trust many people to watch them (our youngest has ODD and is a handful).
So once every 4 to 6 months or so my mother will ask for the kids and that’s the only night my husband and I have to ourselves.
My mother is taking the kids tonight and while my husband and I do not currently have any plans due to my mother asking for them last minute, I still will not go see my MIL.
Basically, what happened was my MIL was on the phone with my husband when my mom called and asked for the kids. He relayed to his mother that my mom was taking the kids for the night; just to make conversation and nothing more.
She immediately starts in with ‘oh good, you guys can come here and help me figure out my computer while the dogs play together.’ So not only did she want us to take our entire time to go fix her computer but also wanted us to bring our female, not spayed dog to go and ‘play’ with her giant, not neutered dog (we have an appointment for our dog to get spayed but regardless, getting these two dogs together turns in to a nightmare every single time because our dog hates this dog – which MIL finds hilarious).
My husband said something like ‘Yeah maybe’ and I immediately said no. MIL heard me and asked why and I said I wasn’t going to be chasing around 2 dogs who are at each other’s throats while my husband works on a computer for hours (this happens at least once every 4 months or so where she will think her computer is broken because she doesn’t know how to use email).
MIL starts in with ‘well you guys can just visit me’ (we see her at least twice a week already) so I said I would rather spend time with my husband alone.
She hangs up after saying she feels like she has to beg us to hang out with her (again, not true cause we see her at least twice a week).
My husband thinks I was being harsh and it would have just been easier to call her later and tell her we weren’t coming. I argue that telling her now is best because I don’t like the idea of her waiting around for us when we never intended to go anyways.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
MIL is being willfully obtuse. She knows that a couple with the luxury of a babysitter wants a nice out together. They don’t want to spend their evening with mommy.
If MIL needs computer help. Your dear husband can schedule a time to go alone. There is no reason you and your dog need to accompany him.” Bitter-Conflict-4089
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Someone needs to tell the mothers and MILs of the world that ‘fixing their computer’ is below cleaning out the garage on the list of chores people like to do.
That she would expect you to spend precious parental time off doing this (when you already see her 2x a week) speaks of self-centeredness. Also, I can’t help but notice that, unlike your own mother, MIL is not offering to take the kids off your hands.
Make your own alone-time plans and tell hubs he can go fix the computer.” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“Unpopular opinion but soft YTJ here. I understand OP’s frustration but she should have let him handle his mother.
In a partnership, both partners should handle their own families. Imagine her telling her mother a strong no on the phone, and he butts in insisting on a soft no instead.
She likely wouldn’t appreciate that.
But the root issue here seems to be a disagreement about boundaries. OP seems frustrated that MIL drops in unannounced 2x/wk. That frustration carries over here.
OP & husband need to address that, agree to a boundary, and let husband draw & enforce it with MIL. If he refuses, that’s a different problem. But in this situation, he wasn’t refusing the OP’s need for just-them time, only the way he communicated it.
That wasn’t necessary and caused a bigger problem.
MIL seems to be picking up on OP’s frustration too, hence her comments. OP & husband need to act like adults and deal with that root problem together, instead of OP ‘laying down the law’ on a side incident.” tijde
1. AITJ For Suddenly Wanting To Get Paid?
“My friend and her family were going to go away for a little over a week, so she needed someone to watch her dog.
She initially brought it up to two of our mutual friends, who cannot drive, to take care of her dog, but I volunteered.
All that would be required is to go in the morning and evening to let the dog out, make his wet food hard food combination for him to eat then let him back in.
She made it clear she didn’t want me to take the dog to my house, and that going twice daily is what was best.
Initially, her grandfather is meant to take care of the dog, then at some point, I was meant to take care of it when he leaves for his vacation.
Out of the days she’s gone, about half of them are meant for me to care for the dog.
I genuinely thought I was going to be paid for this.
I have watched other people’s dogs for days before and received financial compensation. I simply assumed they were gonna pay me however much when they returned home.
The other night, however, she asked me if I could drop something off at her father’s business for him.
Which is only three minutes away, and sent me $5 for it. But she worded it by saying something along the lines of ‘At this point, I’m going to start paying you.’ Which makes me realize she was never planning on paying me.
I thought at least she’d pay for the gas, as she lives 5-8 minutes away. Looking back it looks like I accidentally agreed to watch the dog for free.
Would I be the jerk, if I asked to be paid now?
EDIT: I thought the grandfather would be around here for longer than he was, as when he was leaving was never conveyed to me.
I thought it would be more like three or four days of checking in on the dog, rather than the actual number it will be. Like three days of checking in are no biggie, but I can’t even go to my other job cause of the time it takes in the evening.
I won’t ask for pay but I will have to leave the dog outside for a while so I can go to my other job. This was suggested by the owner of the dog.
He has extra food and water and a doggy door to get into the mudroom. The yard is totally fenced in and it was warm today. I even offered to give the house key to another friend so she could check in on the dog, but we were afraid the dog may bite the stranger.
As he is a large dog and unfriendly to new people.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You volunteered. And why would you assume she’d pay for gas? It’s not even a 10-minute drive… it’s less than 20 minutes there and back.
In your edit, you weren’t aware of the time and what it takes, but why wouldn’t you have asked for any of that? You seem to have no knowledge of what you volunteer for and that’s not your friend’s problem, it’s yours.” New_Potato_519
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. There was no discussion of compensation, and the responsibility to have that discussion falls on both of you. This is a massive miscommunication. The only remedy is to directly communicate the problem to your friend and apologize for not communicating earlier.
However, without a prior agreement on your rate to petsit, what you agreed to was a favor for a friend.” puppyfarts99
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. Take this as a learning lesson to assess your time’s worth and when you can do something out of the goodness of your heart and when you should be compensated. Ask detailed questions about the task up front.” PHiddy1976
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