People Look Back At The Times They Might Have Been Jerks To Others
17. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Daughter's Wedding After It Got Postponed?
“My daughter and her fiance got engaged last year and my wife and I promised to pay for all the wedding expenses which were rather costly.
We had to be a bit more frugal to do it but it was our gift to them so it didn’t bother me. Their wedding was supposed to be two weeks ago but two days prior he suffered a health setback which resulted in him going to the hospital and the wedding having to be postponed. That meant everything had to be canceled – most of which wasn’t refundable.
Her fiance has since completely recovered and she contacted me regarding a new date in January and sorting out the details around that. I don’t think it has to be said but to be clear I completely understand that this was unforeseen and a very stressful time for both of them.
I’m very happy that he has recovered and do want them to have the wedding they dreamed of because they do deserve it. However, the amount of money that went down the drain after the postponement is insane, especially in this financial climate. Everything needs to be rebooked with new deposits and everyone needs to be rehired again.
Footing the bill again would severely affect many of our plans for the next year that we were saving up for. I told her this and she’s not too happy, to say the least. She’s very disappointed and things have been icy because they would have to put off getting a house together if they were to pay for the wedding and they still wouldn’t be able to afford the wedding that they want.
This has been on my head for the past while so I wanted to know am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were being very generous to gift that much to your daughter. It’s no one’s fault that he got sick and the wedding got canceled. You were stretching things as best you could to be able to afford this gift and then you lost a ton when the wedding had to be canceled at the last minute.
Your daughter expecting you to come up with even more money isn’t reasonable. Things changed, and financial situations changed. She just needs to accept that her wedding is going to need to be scaled down.
Getting married to the love of your life is what’s important here.
Having a big party – not so much.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It seems like you would pay for it if you could reasonably afford to without sacrificing your quality of life. It’s also understandable that given everything that’s happened, losing the ability to have their dream wedding ‘a second time’ so to speak is probably going to take some time for your daughter and her partner to comfortably process.
Ideally, she’ll take some space and sort through her feelings about everything they’ve been through, and once she knows what her plan for moving forward is she’ll feel ready to reach out and reconnect. At that time, it would probably be a huge step in the right direction to reassure her that you love her and her partner and are so sorry (in the empathy/sympathy way rather than the blame-accepting way) you weren’t able to make her dream wedding happen, but you hope that she knows you would have if it were something you could reasonably afford.
Maybe you could gift her ‘something old’ or ‘something new’ for her wedding when it does happen to bring something meaningful representing your love/family to her new plans.” historyandherbs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You gave what you could afford to give. The fact that a lot of it was wasted isn’t anyone’s fault but you can’t expect it to be a blank check.
The happy couple will have to make do with whatever is left over after the cancellation. That might mean a ceremony with cake and punch after, or it might mean a trip downtown with two witnesses and a marriage license. They will be just as married as they would be after a big bash.
A lot of us don’t get the good things we deserve. I deserve a weekend on a private island with Cate Blanchett but I’m not going to get it, and none of my family members are obligated to set me up that way. You, likewise, aren’t obligated to pay for a dream wedding twice.” FeedbackCreative8334
16. AITJ For Not Telling My Parents I'm Moving Out?
“I (19M) had been thinking about moving out for the past few months before I moved. Over the past year, I saved $10K from my part-time job and eventually made a plan with two of my friends to move into a place together.
I didn’t want to tell my parents beforehand, because I knew they would try to stop me as they’re pretty strict.
One time, I noticed furniture magazines in my family’s junk mail and brought them up to my room; my dad saw them and asked why I had them and I made up some excuse. I’m just laying this all out there in case it also makes me a jerk.
The week before my move, we went on a family vacation to NYC and I guess my concerns were apparent on my face because a couple of times my dad and step-mom asked me what was wrong and I just said nothing and tried to have a good time.
When we got back, a couple of days later I came downstairs and told my parents I was moving. They asked when, and I said now.
They were both upset, but my dad was furious. He said it was a slap in the face to move out the day of and right after the family vacation.
Later, my friend picked me up and I tried to shake my dad’s hand before I left but he closed the door in my face.
I get that they were still very upset, so I waited a few days after I moved, and instead of calling I sent them a letter.
They didn’t respond, so I sent a few more over the next few months but they never responded so I eventually stopped.
There’s more that happened after this, but I’ll hold off from now. In all of this, am I the jerk?
Edit: I forgot another detail; when I was moving out, I (stupidly) assumed I could take my bed because I was used to it being mine, and they really got upset at that and said no.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You said your parents were strict and would try to stop you, and they did their best (refused to let you take your bed, dad got angry, would not address you or shake your hand).
Just imagine if you’d given them a warning, what he’d be able to have planned!
You did fine. Leave it alone for now. Tell them (if you have not already) that you’ll be there when they’re ready to talk.
If they come around – speak with them
If they don’t come around – then they are indulging their anger at their child’s expense, and you’re well out of there.
Good luck and congratulations!” Straight-Singer-2912
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Their behavior at your news and since (plus denying you your bed) clearly shows that they are both jerks.
Your father’s comment about being wrong to move out after a family vacation is nonsensical. What else is wrong?
Eating out, enjoying going to a local event? If this comment is typical of your father’s behavior, then I hope you take the time to evaluate anything else he’s said that you’re still carrying around in your mind.
Their refusal to respond to your many letters also shows that they’re vindictive and unable to see you as an adult.
They literally took a normal adult action, moving out, as a personal insult.
Please see a therapist so you can work through your feelings and to help you jettison any additional wacky comments, rules, and infantilism they inflicted on you.
Question: you mentioned they were strict.
Did they completely ignore you turning 18, then 19? Were there cultural norms they were imposing/expecting? Do you have older or younger siblings still at home?
I’m glad you’ve gone out on your own. The freedom is amazing. It outweighs the stress of being responsible for bills, taxes, etc.” benfranklin-katniss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m not aware of any contract that says if you go on a family vacation you have to wait X months to move out. They planned the vacation, you planned the move. You had no obligation to tell them. Your dad’s anger is because you outsmarted him.
But seriously, if you feel your parents are trying to control your future, then you are right to withhold your plans. Some parents have taken the money out of their kid’s bank accounts to stop them from leaving. Or sabotaged their car. Or worse.
Trying to take the bed was a silly mistake.
Of course, since they could not stop you they had no other power over you but to keep the bed. Most parents will give their kids their whole bedroom set plus any spare couch or table they might have, to get them started.” 1962Michael
15. AITJ For Asking My Friend To Stop Joking About His Deceased Mom?
“I (20M) have a friend named Jack (22M) whose mom passed away three years ago. He consistently makes jokes in the group chat revolving around his mom, her funeral, and generally what he calls ‘dark humor’.
My mom (74F) is elderly and above the average age for a mom and could pass away sooner than average.
However, while I’m cool making jokes about my mom’s age, my friend keeps making jokes about how ‘you may join the deceased mom club’ or ‘careful if she’s sick you may join the club!’ things like that. Not gonna lie, it feels messed up, and while I understand he’s going through his own stuff, I’ve asked him to calm it down with the jokes and in my own words ‘it’s not funny anymore.’
He says it helps him cope with his own mom and that it’s just part of who he is and that I should chill. The other friends in the friend group agree that it’s just his processing and find it overall funny, and say I’m overreacting.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is entitled to make jokes at his own expense to deal with his grief. Gallow’s humor is a pretty normal way of dealing with that. Making dead mother jokes at your expense is not ok. His circumstances don’t give him a right to be a jerk to you.
He may think that when the inevitable happens, he has someone in you that will be on the same page as him so he doesn’t feel so alone. That doesn’t excuse it, though. A one-on-one convo with him about it is better than a public put down.” walnutwithteeth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can sympathize with your friend, and everyone deals with grief in their own way. But he needs to understand that his grief isn’t an excuse for him to violate boundaries that you set. Jokes are jokes until the subject of the joke stops finding it funny (for a justifiable reason).
Not wanting to hear jokes about your mom dying ESPECIALLY considering her age is entirely justifiable as far as you’re concerned; as a side note, your friend group seems kind of terrible if they keep enabling it even after you spoke up.
It’s only ‘a part of who he is’ if Jack admits to being a jerk because it’s a trashy thing to do.
Tell him to cool it, and if it still doesn’t work out, consider branching out to some better friends. The total lack of understanding here feels like a pretty concerning indicator about the kinds of people your current friend group is made up of.” mxmaximus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If his coping mechanism involves him making jokes about his mother’s passing, no problem. However, it is a problem when he involves your mother. I think he would love some company in the boat he’s in. I don’t think it’s malicious, but he may find it comforting to think someone in his friend group may be going through the same thing.
Not okay.
You have to be adamant and strike a serious tone when you tell him to stop. Do not make it a kid glove thing either, be serious. He doesn’t need to ‘tone it down’; he needs to stop completely. If your other friends don’t mind it so much, they should put their mothers up for offer.” Thart85
14. AITJ For Reporting My Coworker?
“It was brought to my attention that a co-worker absolutely hated my guts. I assume it’s jealousy as I got the role they wanted. especially since I did not apply for the role, I simply showed up to work to find I had been promoted. I knew that they have been upset with me ever since I got it which has been about a year and a half now, but to my knowledge, they hadn’t said or done anything.
I have almost never interacted with this person as they work a different shift than I do. I knew they never liked me which is fine, HOWEVER, I just learned they’ve been absolutely trashing my name. They’ve been telling others that I am illiterate, deserve to be fired, a complete idiot, which to myself and others is completely untrue.
What’s worse is the shift they’re on, the two supervisors AND manager have 100% heard this from them and have taken no action on their toxicity.
Where I work we have a zero-tolerance policy for this toxicity. So I come to find out that my name is being dragged through the mud and management is turning a blind eye.
It hurts. I have been trying my best and it hurts. So I reported this to my direct manager and they were shocked when they heard what I had to tell them. I feel super awkward about involving other co-workers in their statements. I never meant to make it a big thing.
I didn’t even hate the person, for a while I thought they were cool. Now it’s being made into a thing that I hate and it kind of scares me. A co-worker told me I should report them, but now I am scared of being in trouble for what I did and involving other co-workers.
Did I do the right thing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if a co-worker has a professional issue with you, then the correct action is for them to report it to the relevant authorities. However, this person has chosen to make their issues personal and is being none-too-shy about broadcasting it.
As that is a violation of company policy, then it needs to be reported/escalated as appropriate. That misconduct can be an encouragement to others to act similarly towards anyone they don’t like. It is not professional and has no place in a work environment.” chuckinhoutex
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I feel for you, OP. I’m in a similar situation at work with a coworker who has been disrespectful, talking smack about me and has impeded my progress in the department for the entire 3+ years I’ve been in the position.
Her problem with me, I suspect, is based on a complicated issue that I was on the periphery of, but not directly involved in. Therefore, there’s absolutely nothing I can do to attempt to fix the rift.
My best advice to you is to document any and all instances where she or your managers directly disrespect you, not hearsay.
Include dates and exactly what happened. Just the facts. Include witnesses’ names, if there are any. If you choose to address the issue with anyone, do so in an email to create a paper trail. If you talk to your managers in person, follow up with an email, outlining your conversation.
Then you file an official complaint with HR. Hopefully, your company has an HR department. If witnesses are willing to attest to her treatment of you, it makes your case so much stronger.
As you know, your situation is hard and so hurtful that it can follow you into your time off.
Depending on what management or HR does about your toxic coworker, based on your documentation, you have to decide if you want to stay at your job or not. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but accepting that you have a choice can be empowering.” Educational_Exit_218
13. AITJ For Getting Upset When The Cleaning Company Let Their Kid Play With My Kids' Toys?
“My (32F) three kids (9F, 2M, 3M) and I just got over the flu, and my two youngest are sensitive (asthma, and a swallowing disorder), so in an effort to minimize more sickness, I hired a professional cleaner to do a deep clean.
The cleaning company knows all the backstory and is following sickness protocol with masks and gloves. I was at the store and my boys’ room camera alerted to motion, and I clicked on it to mute motion alerts since I assumed it was the cleaner.
When I opened it to turn it off, I saw that the room was cleaned but there was a small child in there playing with their toys. Normally I wouldn’t care if a kid was playing with their toys, we are a fairly kid-friendly house, but under the circumstances, I’m a little annoyed. All their toys have been disinfected, which took me 3 hours to do, and now a kid is playing with them when I didn’t even know a kid was going to be there.
Do I say something, or just disinfect again when we get home? Being a single mom I get the challenges of working and having kids, but I feel like since there was a known illness in the house this isn’t appropriate. AITJ?
Edit to update: I was willing to just let it go.
I came home and I was taking my dogs out one by one on leashes because they had been created for several hours. The child came outside and was lunging in my Great Dane’s face. I told him to stop twice then told him to walk away from my dog.
He said, ‘I was just trying to make him mad.’ I removed my dog from the situation and went to get my Saint Bernard puppy (puppy being an age description, not size. She’s 80lbs) and he did the same thing to her in my living room.
I told him to stop, took my dog out, and told his mother that he needed correction. To her credit, she reprimanded him and made him start on the porch until she was done packing up. They will not be back.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Letting their child play with the toys after they have already cleaned completely defeats the purpose of having them there in the first place.
They went behind your back instead of asking you because they knew it was an unreasonable request given the situation and they knew you would say no if asked. They are hoping that if you find out, you will feel too awkward to say something when they are in the middle of/done with the cleaning.
You are paying them to clean, they are potentially adding more germs. That is not ok and needs to be addressed.
Having some grace when parents have childcare issues is one thing – but when having the children there negates the service you are paying for, they need to make other arrangements.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being upset and you absolutely should notify the cleaning company. The cleaner bringing their child was not appropriate (unless discussed and approved ahead of time) regardless of the situation. But your situation does make it worse, your family was just sick and your children have medical diagnoses that you need to be extra cautious because of.
By bringing a child with them, they did not follow all sickness protocols.
You should be refunded for the cleaning fee, or be provided with another person to come and deep clean (including the toys) again.” Few-Web3214
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
A cleaner that brings their child to your house without permission is seriously problematic.
Because of the risk of infection, because of the risk of the child breaking something, and because of the risk of a child taking your kids’ toys (this doesn’t happen maliciously per sé, but small children sometimes put stuff in their pockets without realizing what they’re doing) and you have to deal with a heartbroken child.” mensink
12. AITJ For Being Tired Of Mediating My Parents?
“Since September, my parents haven’t spoken to each other.
My mom had been wanting a divorce unless my dad comes to her and says that he wants to see a marriage counselor. The house has been awkward and dreadful. Since then, both my mom and my dad would pull me aside to complain about the other.
M: ‘He this. He that.’ D: ‘She this. She that.’
Ever since I was 7, I had to give these two marriage counseling. They would pull me aside, tell me ‘their side of the problem, and how they’re right and the other is wrong, and ask what they should do.’ Of course as a child to my age now, I always don’t have the best answers but I gave the best I could cause I have no choice.
Whenever I give my dad an ‘I don’t know’ answer, he complained to me that he has ‘no one else to talk to.’ When my mom would ask me, ‘am I at fault here?’ I’d be so scared to say she is too because they both would yell at me.
Now they haven’t spoken since September, if they do, my dad won’t apologize for what he did and try to blow it off, and my mom would scream at the little things he would do or I would do. I’m done with everything.
I’m done. I’m tired and I’m depressed. Today my dad came to me to complain about how he can’t go to my mom to ask him to take him to the hospital and I said the same thing I’ve been telling him for months, ‘you need to talk to her and not make it small talk.’ I reminded him that she wants to see a marriage counselor and he said, ‘I do too but I’m afraid to talk to her.’ I said he is justified for feeling that way but I explained that I’ve given him the best advice I can, which I feel is the best advice (I can’t explain more in the comments) and that I was tired of being ‘the counselor’ if they both aren’t going to act like adults.
He said, ‘so you want me to get divorced?’ And I said, ‘why would I want that?! Dad, you need to do something because I’m not doing this anymore.’ I explained it’s been hard for my brother to know about all this, but it’s been harder on me because I’ve been the one that’s been forcibly in the middle.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Be firm. TALK TO EACH OTHER not me. I’m not a couple’s therapist and I’m not qualified to have opinions on this. Also, it’s cruel for you to have to take sides.
The most you could do is suggest possible olive branches.
More small talk. Better division of chores. Finding a common hobby. Suggest a trip to relax somewhere. Hire a cleaning lady to take chores off everybody’s shoulders and get out of routine. Get a home project that both could contribute.
That’s, of course, if the marriage is salvageable at this point.
But other than olive branches, don’t suggest or judge anything else.” cityflaneur2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your parents need counseling from an outside party, a licensed professional. You were forced into this role because you care about them and you cannot help but want to help them.
Your parents are placing far too much on your shoulders and the guilt and stress will only get worse if they follow through with divorce with you as their sole counsel.
If anything, explain to your parents that the stress they have placed on you is too much to bare.
Make them understand how THEIR professional counseling could lighten YOUR stress, not just theirs.
They should never have placed you in this position.” Calairoth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents have been acting like children and expecting you to be an adult, even when you were only 7!
Nothing about that is ok. They need to see a counselor, maybe together, maybe separately. That’s not you. You are not a counselor.
The other thing I’ll say to you is, divorce, when both your parents are miserable, is not the worst thing. It’s probably not what you want but sometimes it is for the best. Two parents apart are better than living in the hostile environment their terrible relationship has created. You and your brothers deserve better.
I am really sorry you’re dealing with this but I would maintain this hard boundary that you are not their go-between. They can talk to each other or they can split up, that’s for them to decide. It’s not your job to mediate.” thebottomofawhale
11. AITJ For Not Taking My Youngest Son On A Vacation?
“My (m43) ex-wife (f38) have two children together the eldest is a 12-year-old boy and the youngest is a 9-year-old boy.
We split up when our youngest was less than a year old, she left to be with another man and took our children, falsely accusing me of mistreatment to make seeing the children difficult for me.
While I was able to start regularly start seeing my eldest son again shortly after she left, the mistreatment allegations were quickly shown to be false, she still did everything she could to stop me from spending any time with our youngest son.
He has special needs, he’s autistic with developmental delay, and will never be able to lead an independent life.
She used it as a reason to allege that I wouldn’t be capable of looking after him. We spent two years going up the court, after which I was awarded every other weekend visitation, however, but at that point, I’d barely seen him in two years and I hadn’t been able to develop the same relationship that I have with my eldest son.
She still behaves in a very difficult way with our youngest, deliberately arranging activities with him when during weekends he’s scheduled to be with me, especially if he’s due to spending any time with the rest of my extended family, and refusing to let him visit my mother in hospital so she could see him before she passed away.
My eldest son lives with me because of how badly his relationship with his mother deteriorated when he was living with her. I’m taking him to Orlando after Christmas but not his brother. I do feel guilty about this but I have what I consider to be good reasons.
I don’t think my youngest son would be able to endure a long-haul flight, it would cause him a lot of stress and anxiety.
I don’t have the same level of help and support that my ex has when doing activities with my youngest son.
She has her mother helping her a lot of the time and has a lot of state support. While I just have me.
My eldest son wouldn’t be able to enjoy going to Orlando and going to the theme parks if my youngest son came because I wouldn’t be able to go on any of the theme park rides with him.
After all, they’re not suitable for my youngest.
My ex-wife has kicked up a big fuss saying I’m a bad father for not taking him and said that I should have gone somewhere that was suitable for both of them.
While I take her point about choosing somewhere for both of them, the reason I didn’t was that I couldn’t fully trust she wouldn’t pull some nonsense to stop him from coming last minute.
I also feel like she’s just saying it because of how bad her relationship is with our eldest son, he doesn’t want to spend any time with her. When I tell her she needs to do more to try to mend the relationship with him she lashes out and says I’m a bad father to our youngest. However, I feel like her relationship with our eldest is a result of her own behavior, while my relationship with our youngest was deliberately sabotaged by her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not obligated to take both boys on every trip together. But it would certainly be nice if you could do something with your younger son at another time.
Keep your contact with your ex to a minimum; and stop trying to control her behavior.
I know you mean well, but there’s literally nothing you can say that will make her become a better mom to your eldest.
Document every time she sabotages plans with your youngest on your assigned days. And then take her to court to revise the custody arrangements.
Finally, you might qualify for assistance with your youngest, given his disability.” jjobc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I suspect that this trip is going to be something very special for your older son, struggling with the issue of a mother with insanely high toxicity issues and a younger brother whose special needs may well be leaving the older boy by the side of the road, figuratively speaking.
Enjoy every minute of it! All you can do is what you can do with your younger son – a special trip of his own more suited to his situation would be good. You and your older boy probably could both use some counseling to help you build a toolset for dealing with Mommy Dearest going forward.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“As a mum of a needs child, unless you know how to be there for him in a setting which is likely to result in him melting down, NTJ.
You don’t have the ability to give both children the exciting memories your older child will be creating if you have to consider the needs of the younger only.
And by taking on both, alone, that is exactly what you would have to do. So older brother would ultimately lose of course.
You do however need to step up your game with being a dad to the youngest, despite the crap your ex pulls.
Your son is the one losing in that battle, so you need to put your animosity and difficulty with your ex aside, and make sure in the future you make some special time for your young son, alone and with his brother. Regardless of how she reacts, he is your son, and he has a brother that would probably like to have a sibling relationship too.
Because you may very well be the only parent that speaks to both of them as they grow up, and they will need at least one of you to be a parent they can turn to when they need advice and guidance.” User
10. WIBTJ If I Sell My Taylor Swift Tickets?
” My (21M) group of 4 friends (21F) (21F) (20F) (including me) all told each other a year ago when we were still tight and enjoying each others’ company that when Taylor Swift went on tour again, we’d see her together. I met two of the three friends through the OTHER friend in our group, so the three of them were already very tight.
I’m sure you all know by now that Taylor Swift tickets were basically impossible to get, and those who did get them (me among the lucky ones), had to sit through the queue for HOURS to get any. The day tickets went on sale, I missed two classes because if I would have gone to class, my wifi would have been shut out, forcing me out of the queue.
I was in the ticket queue that day from 9:30 am until 5:15 pm. Every time I debated getting out of the queue in this time period just to go to class, my friends would all get angry that I wouldn’t wait in the queue for them (I was the only one of us who got a presale code, which means I was the only one who COULD wait in the queue).
Since buying the tickets, the friends I was originally planning on going with have recently been going out of their way not to talk to me. They will go to bars without me, and have MANY nights without me, saying they are ‘girls’ nights’ (this happens just about every weekend, and they do the exact same stuff that we would do together, and a couple of times, they’ll end up with guys at their apartment).
That’s a whole other story, but they’ve been very rude to me lately with no explanation.
Two of the three friends have not paid me for the tickets yet, and the one that did demand I transfer them the ticket they paid for, which I did immediately.
So that one friend has her ticket. The other two have not paid me back, and my credit statement is due at the end of the month for the FULL AMOUNT of the tickets I bought for all of us to sit together, which I do not have.
Well, I do, I have to pay other expenses with that money though. They’ve had as of today three weeks to pay me back for the tickets.
They are still technically my tickets, so I told them that if I don’t have the money back by Christmas (to give myself some time to find someone to sell them to), I would be selling them, to which they obviously got upset with me (including the friend who already paid me for hers).
I obviously still want to go because I’m a huge fan of Taylor. Selling the tickets would pretty much end all friendships. The three of them are attached at the hip still, and I’m the odd one out. I’m the group photographer, the driver, etc. I just feel so used by them.
It’s been going on since before I bought tickets for us, and I thought things would improve, but they haven’t. I honestly want to sell them now without waiting until Christmas or giving them a second warning. I won’t do that, but I honestly considered it.
So, WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but DUDE! They are using you. You are the driver and errand boy whenever it is convenient for them and otherwise, they don’t bother to include you in anything. They literally only were friends with you because you had the effing code.
Cut your losses, sell the tickets at a profit if you want, and treat yourself to something nice. Then block all their numbers and tell them you will report them for harassment if they dare talk to you in person.” mfergie77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There is no friendship for you to ruin, OP. These people aren’t your friends. Sell them freaking tickets and get your money for your bills, don’t fall into debt for these idiots. I hope you keep one for yourself though if you can afford to.
Keep receipts of them messing you about with the payment just in case this escalates and they try and ruin your reputation (no pun intended) but otherwise, forget about them, get your money, and start planning your outfit for the concert!” Sea-Smell-6950
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for selling them after the Christmas date you gave them (which was insanely generous). I think you would be a jerk for selling them earlier. You can’t sell the ticket to the person who already paid… you can give her a choice to sell it back to you so you can sell all of them or for her to keep it (or resell on her own).
Honestly, your relationship with them is kind of irrelevant. It seems like you are sucky friends and you should cut ties whether or not they go to the concert. But this is essentially a business transaction. You promised to buy something. They have until a certain date to pay you for them or the offer is no longer on the table.” Usrname52
9. AITJ For Scolding My Daughter For Farting During Family Dinner?
“My daughter is 14 years old, I’ll call her Rosie to maintain privacy.
She’s the middle child of 4 kids, with my oldest sons being 16, and 18, and my youngest son being 10. She is my only daughter.
She has high-functioning autism and is starting to model some of the boy’s behaviors, and to the next level.
She has some sort of fascination with farts. She laughs at farts, looks up every fact on farting(including foods that trigger gas, etc.), and watches fart pranks on her iPad out loud. All without any regard for the context of the situation. I wish I was joking.
I have taught her and our son table manners. I’ve been teaching them and reinforcing them since they were little. They were told to say excuse me when they belch. cover their mouth when they cough and sneeze. Close their mouth when they eat. Very basic table manners.
Some of these things I tell her each time it’s like I told her the first time.
Their grandparents, aunt and uncle, and their younger cousins were invited over to our Thanksgiving dinner. I set expectations with the entire family to be on their best behavior, and leave topics regarding bodily functions out of the dinner table.
Dinner underway, she gulped down a cup of lemonade and then proceeded to belch a few times, which the family turned to gaze at her. I reminded her to say excuse me and hold in her burps. In the middle of a discussion with the rest of the family.
She passed gas and giggled. The entire family looked in her direction with stern gazes, and some jaw drops. It was after the 3rd time, I threw my hands and shook my head at her, telling her to go to her room and that her actions were disgusting, rude, and not ladylike, and that she needs to excuse herself to do that.
Her father smirked a little and some of the little ones giggled which I told them ‘enough. It’s not funny.’
My daughter apologized and stated that she will be careful, I then responded that she had multiple times you belched, smacked during the entire dinner, and farted, and she had more than enough time to correct herself.
This is unacceptable to be doing this behavior when people are having a meal and I raised her better than this and we will have this conversation later and for now, go to her room. She went to her room in tears.
After a conversation with my daughter about the behaviors, she apologized again and said that she was trying to make everyone laugh and didn’t expect people to get mad.
I did remind her that it was actually rude, and she is expected to not do that again with company over.
After a conversation with my husband who passes gas very casually (thankfully doesn’t do it with company over), he said that I was being too harsh on her and it was just a fart, which I did call him out on him smirking at dinner and stated that she modeled her behavior from him.
A part of me agreed with him and thought I was too harsh on her and made a big deal over nothing.
Was I being too hard on her?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘After a conversation with my daughter about the behaviors, she apologized again and said that she was trying to make everyone laugh and didn’t expect people to get mad.’
This right here is why I came to this decision. You need to make sure she understands that there is a time, and place for everything; and very often what she finds hilarious, may be very offensive to someone else. With your husband giving you crap for it, I’d say turn it back on him.
Ask him how he’d feel if he was at his parents’ funerals and someone rudely farted in an effort to be funny?
I know that’s a harsh way to put it, but it seems part of the issue is your husband doesn’t seem to grasp how offensive that behavior can be.” kibufox
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the internalized sexism statements of not being ladylike. The big thing about people on the spectrum is that consistency is key. Everyone in the house needs to be on the same page, your husband and your sons. Also likely she is probably making assumptions of acceptability based on videos as teenagers are prone to do.
The inherent hypocrisy of masking required for girls vs boys is astoundingly high. In general, society is not going to be kind, provide standardized context for all of your children as well as gendered expectations outside of the family.” ihatecakesaidthecat2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some people think farts are funny, some don’t.
In my opinion, it is never funny to fart or hear or smell a fart, when at a dining table. So I don’t think you are the jerk for telling her to stop and sending her away from the table. Because as you pointed out she had numerous chances to contain her belches but she didn’t and she chose to up the ante and fart to get attention, pure and simple.
And by calling her out like you did, it has her attention, negative attention, but attention nonetheless. I think you could’ve corrected her differently in a way that she would remember but without seeming so harsh.
Neurodivergent or not, I’m sure she knew it was wrong and simply kept misbehaving until she was the focus of attention.
You also need to get your husband on board to model appropriate behavior, since she seems to be following in his farting footsteps, and even if he conforms he needs to not smirk or laugh at all because. That encourages her misbehavior.” Gladtobealive2020
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I mean, where to begin? Everyone has gas, and I have no idea why you had to say it was ‘not ladylike’, I mean, are your nobility, and is she a lady? No, and not to mention the fact of how sexist this term is, women can’t do things men can because it’s for some reason ‘not ladylike’.
Also, you saying ‘it’s not funny’ seemed like a you issue, there were those at the table who found it funny, I mean, fair enough saying ‘enough, please stop that now’ would be fine, but she clearly wanted to lighten the mood, try and find out why, and how she can do it in other ways.
Family meals at a table can be very dull for children, I remember having burping competitions with my grandad before food was put out, and after. Or burping and blaming it on someone else, it was silly, but it made sitting at a table more comfortable.
If you don’t like certain bodily functions, that’s fine, just try and work something out with your daughter. There will be an underlying reason, perhaps she is uncomfortable, or she thinks others are uncomfortable. Maybe you can introduce her to something else, maybe magic tricks, or terrible jokes.” Three-Of-Seven
8. AITJ For Not Buying Christmas Gifts For My One Nephew?
“My parents were very busy. I have 6 siblings. I am the second oldest. I and my older brother and have had no contact for about 8 years.
He lived in another country with his wife and 5-year-old son. This year they moved back to our country. They always spent Christmas with his wife’s parents and then came to our parents the next day without me present.
A couple of years back I had a tragedy and got a lot of compensation.
I invested and am now living very well from a passive income. For the last 3 years, I buy all the gifts for Christmas for my nephews and nieces. My siblings give me their letters for Santa and I go all out. I absolutely love seeing them when they open the gifts.
I already got all the letters this year and have all the gifts ready. But then last week my mother wanted to give me another letter. She said it was from my nephew from my oldest brother. I was surprised, but then told her that I won’t buy anything for him.
I don’t even know him and I am not prepared to spend that much on a stranger kid. My parents then told me that we can’t single him out. That he would be very sad seeing other kids opening gifts and him not getting anything.
I told them they can buy the gifts, and maybe my siblings will chip in. My mother started crying that they can’t match my gifts and begged me to reconsider. I refused. I am hurt even because I just found out that my brother’s family will be with us for Christmas.
Now they are text-bombing me that I’m ruining Christmas. My partner said that maybe we should buy gifts for my nephew. That he is innocent and one more smile won’t hurt. AITJ if I refuse?
Edit: I want to first clarify some things: I was in a car accident after fiancé stuff happened and then I came out because I wanted my partner in the hospital. Some 2 weeks after I came out my brother tried to reach out, but I refused because I had other things to think about, like, not walking ever again.
Money was not in the picture at that time, so this wasn’t the reason he reached out.
Santa’s letter was all my mother’s idea. She was babysitting and other kids mentioned to him about the letters. He then asked my mother if he won’t get any gifts because he didn’t write any letter.
My mother felt sorry for him and they wrote the letter together.
I and my partner decided we will buy the gifts for my nephew too.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your money is yours and you can spend it on who and what you choose.
Now that being said, I can understand where your parents and partner are coming from. If your nephew is going to be there and watch your other niblings opening this awesome pile of gifts from Santa (not you, Santa), he’s going to feel confused, hurt, and left out.
To be clear, it’s not your responsibility to fulfill the obligation of Santa treats, but you are likely to see one sad little boy on Christmas Day.
I agree that I think if you’ve been estranged from him for a while, asking the remainder of your family to contribute in some way is a sensible solution but if this is your line in the sand, you’re not in the wrong.” coastalkid92
Another User Comments:
“Let’s recap.
You were caught in bed with your brother’s then-fiance. You were all wasted/passed out and after her toilet break she accidentally went to your room instead of your brother’s room next door. Nothing happened.
Your brother didn’t believe you or the ex and destroyed both of you socially.
You came out and your brother tried to reach out to you, which you denied.
For all of that, you are not the jerk given that you said nothing happened with your brother’s then-fiance. When someone drags your name through the mud and sets out to destroy you when you were telling the truth… sometimes there’s no coming back from that.
I understand why you were in no contact.
Now for the presents with the niblings. You don’t have to get your brother’s kid a present. He is a stranger and you have been in no contact with your brother and his family basically making them all strangers.
However, you would be the jerk if you gave gifts in front of that child. Remember he is innocent, he won’t understand.
The best option is to not go to the Xmas function and give the other niblings their gifts another time OR go to the Xmas function and don’t bring any presents with you (give them another time).
I’m going to say NTJ.” Ace_boy08
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are in no contact with your brother and your mum has come to you and told you that you have to buy expensive gifts for his son, whom you have never met. Your brother hasn’t even come to you and made up with you and sorted out your relationship.
Instead, you are just expected to buy gifts for his kid? I understand why you are upset. People might say oh, it isn’t fair for the kid. He is innocent in this. But this is not about the kid. This is about the father of the kid wanting expensive gifts for his kid without a relationship with the gift giver and that is what is a no-no. He isn’t even asking himself he sent his mother as a messenger.
No being treated like a black sheep whilst taking your money. That is always a no.” Which_Pudding_4332
7. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Stay Away From My Man?
“I (18F) have been with my partner Caeden (18M) for over a year.
We met when he moved to my city to play hockey. Because Caeden isn’t living with his family during the hockey season, he spends a lot of time hanging out at my house and with family. My sister Kylie (15F) comes with me to most of Caeden’s hockey games and she wears his jersey.
Last year, during high school Caeden and I, would skip class to take Kylie to her therapy appointments then we’d all go out for lunch after. Since then Kylie always wants to tag along with Caeden and me when we hang out too.
At first, I thought it was cute, but I’ve noticed recently that she’s getting a little too persistent.
The other night she wanted to hang out with Caeden and me in my room while we watched a movie. She brings him up in conversation a lot more with me and apparently she’s also been researching and keeping up with his hockey stats.
Caeden gave me his hockey cards with cute little messages written on them, and I keep them on my bookshelf in my room.
I noticed a few weeks ago that one of them was missing (The one that had ‘couldn’t do all this without you babe’ written on it), and Kylie had it in the back of her phone case. We got into a fight about it and Kylie told me she didn’t think it was a big deal because he was her ‘favorite player’.
I finally snapped last night when she started asking me if she could come with us on our trip to Montreal. (My best friend is turning 18 in a few weeks and my friends and Caden’s friends are going on a road trip to Montreal so we can take her to bar and party all weekend) I tried to tell Kylie she couldn’t come because she wouldn’t be old enough to go out to the bars and clubs with us.
That’s when she texted Caeden and told him that I was being ‘rude and antagonizing’ her. Kylie asked Caeden not to go on the trip and stay home with her instead. After Caeden told me, I confronted Kylie and told her to stay away from my partner.
Caeden thinks that I’m completely in the right, whereas some of my family believes that Kylie is just a harmless girl with a little crush and that I took it too far.
AITJ for telling my sister to stay away from my man?
UPDATE: So here’s a quick summary of what happened today.
Kylie came and apologized to Caeden and me and gave back the hockey jersey with Caeden’s name on it that we had given her. We told her that Caeden wouldn’t be around as much for the next month or so. My mom talked to Kylie’s therapist today and explained the situation.
Moving out is not something we have the plans for or the funds for at the moment. We’ll see how things are in the next month or so and talk to her therapist about Caeden and Kylie being around each other again. And that’s pretty much it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I would tell your parents she is trying to push for a relationship with an adult who you are with and tried to cause an argument between you and him by lying. They won’t be ‘it’s just a crush’ if she tries to kiss him when alone with him.
Situations like this and where the one with the crush has their heart broken by the one they’re crushing on can end badly when the first person is a minor and doesn’t understand some words have consequences (I.e. If she says in the heat of a moment a certain lie that can ruin his life.
Happened to a family member when he turned his sister’s friend down and said friend waited until he was out to say she lied).” MaleficentBasil4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are completely right. She clearly has a crush on your partner and her age doesn’t excuse her behavior.
She is being extremely inappropriate. Your parents chalking it up to a harmless crush are being willfully blind. She actively texted your partner to ditch you for her, after wanting you to take her out drinking and clubbing and you saying no.
She needs to learn now that in the real world, the way she is acting could be met with more than a few cuss words.” FilledWithStardust
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your sister may be a harmless girl, but this is more than a little crush. This is almost obsessive. I’m disappointed your parents haven’t shut this down. Thankfully it sounds like your partner is trustworthy. For your partner’s sake, he must NEVER be alone with your sister.
Even for a moment. Even if it’s just you who went to the bathroom while he was in your house.
Until your sister gets her head on straight, it would be pointless to take the risk that she might try something she could twist if it failed. You don’t want him blamed for something in a he-said-she-said.
It would be better if you and he hung out somewhere other than your house from now on.” Sylvurphlame
6. AITJ For "Stealing Someone Else's Inheritance"?
“So my (43 F) neighbors (89 M and 83 F), who well just call M and F, recently passed and I inherited all of their belongings, including their house.
So a little bit of context, I grew up in this neighborhood, and for as long as I can remember M and F were always around, they ended up being like grandparents to me, they’d spend holidays and birthdays with us, gave us presents and even made toys for my childhood cat.
Recently within the month, they both passed away, M died from what we assume is old age and F from heartbreak a couple of days later. M and F don’t have any children together, they have children from previous marriages, and that’s that.
A little while ago however due to money problems, they had to sell M’s 3-wheel motorcycle, one of M’s sons 51 M, who we’ll call Paul, who hardly speaks to M said ‘stop selling all of my inheritance’, on top of never calling or visiting them unless he needs something.
As a child I always told M and F that I loved their house, it’s a one-bedroom one-bathroom house with a cute porch and swing out back along with 2 small sheds and a tiny painting studio M built for F. I loved how small it was and how homey it felt.
I’d hear all the time from them ‘oh well OP says she loves our house’ whenever they were upset because they were slowing down on the upkeep of the house because of their age. Which we did help with when we had the chance, my brothers and dad would always go over and help them with housework.
So after the argument with Paul about them ‘selling his inheritance’ I guess they took it as taking him out of the will. Which no one knew about. It wasn’t until they passed that we found out they left the house to me.
As you can probably assume.
Paul was livid, he claimed he needed the house to sell it so he could keep living well (the house in its condition was about $65,000 at most which yes is a lot of money) saying he quit his job because he was going to live off of that money.
I won’t have much of a use for the house right now but for now, I plan on fixing it up and renting it out. But he said I should just let him live there for free now since he doesn’t have the money anymore.
I obviously said no.
Our families got into a huge argument over this because he never came around until he needed something. He lives in Ohio and we live in Pennsylvania so it’s not like they were states away, a visit every now and then wasn’t as big of a hassle as he made it seem, especially for his dad.
Anyways. I’m now getting threats from him and his wife saying they’re going to sue me because they think I pressured M and F into taking him off their will and putting me as the sole beneficiary. And is saying I ‘stole his inheritance’.
So AITJ?
Update: I’d like to add that F does have a daughter that we’ll call Amy who specifically asked not to be in the will because she actually cared about them before they passed, she isn’t exactly one to be let off free because she hardly ever visited them either, but she called often to talk to them and to make sure they were ok.
She asked not to be in it because she didn’t want to hear the badgering from Paul about how he wanted something that she inherited. Just to add to what kind of person Paul is.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘saying I ‘stole his inheritance’.’
It wasn’t ‘his’ unless they chose to give it to him. Apparently, they chose not to.
He didn’t visit. He didn’t help them when they needed it. He berated them for using their own property for their own needs because he had decided it was his.
I wouldn’t give him anything either.
Depending on your local laws he may or may not have a case. Some jurisdictions make rules about leaving a set percentage to one’s spouse or children or minor children.
I would hope that their wishes will be honored and he gets told he should have cared more for his parents than just their money.” latents
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like Paul was a true treat to his parents – so they left him out of the will. I hope the will specifically stated that Paul was left out or they gave him a token of like $100.
He’s absolutely lying to you if he’s telling you that he quit his job and was expecting to live off the house (it’s only $65k).
Change the locks at a minimum as soon as possible. A couple of security cameras is not a bad idea either. Also, make sure you have insurance on the house now. If he doesn’t have any money (like he claims), then I wouldn’t be too worried about him suing but I would be a bit concerned about him doing something stupid like trying to squat in the house and take it over.
Good luck.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Get an order of protection from Paul and put the house over into your name. Any proceeds from the sale are going to you. I’d put up a security system, change the locks, and add cameras if I were you op.
If he attempts to step one foot in the home, call the police.
And get homeowners insurance as well, OP. You’ll also need to find out if its property taxes are paid off this year and find out what they are yearly as you’ll have to pay that every year.
You have every right to take claim of and ownership of your inheritance. That couple choose the person they knew would actually value and want the house to have it. Paul has no legal standing as you are the sole beneficiary.” depressivedarling
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Shoot Without Clothes Anymore?
“I (18f) have a brother (19m) who is a cinephile and has had a camera in his hand since the ripe age of 6.
We have always been doing shoots together indoors and outdoors.
Recently, he had a project for his film school, asked if I could shoot for him, and kept insisting, which I didn’t care about as I’ve always been the only person who is in his short films or shoots.
I told him I’ll do this and he wanted it to be fifteen minutes long. After we were done with the scenes he wanted outside, our parents were on a work stay, so we had the free house to do the shooting and no interruptions inside.
It was a scene where it was the early morning and I woke up, make a coffee, sit on my balcony, and smoked. The weather was beautiful and I understood the ambiance he was trying to exude.
Until before the scene, he wanted a sense of ‘authenticity, realism, and intimacy in the scene’, I asked him ‘what do you mean?’ and he said, ‘I sleep without clothes and it feels like a love letter to life’.
I proceeded to say ‘you want me to be exposed in the short film? That you will show your fellow classmates?’. He told me that ‘that’s a film and it’s not weird as I am your brother. But not fully exposed, just topless and you can wear undergarments.’
I didn’t really care about doing this and maybe it was brain fog in the morning. I didn’t care about his friends seeing my breasts as well, it isn’t a body part that is revolutionary to the eye anymore. I told him ‘I’ll do it’.
We proceeded to do it and he got it on the first try.
Everything was great until I took a nap as it was very early. When I woke up, I understood the gravity of what I had done. I don’t know what went through my mind at the time and why I would do something so idiotic.
Most of all, just thinking about my brother having a file like that sends bile up my throat.
I go back to him, and ask him to give me the file so I can delete it permanently, and that I wanted to redact the start where I was without clothes.
He told me that he already ‘submitted it’ and it would be pointless if I deleted it. I felt embarrassed and sickened. I still feel greatly upset with him and haven’t spoken to him. I informed him beforehand that I will not shoot for him again.
He got upset and angry, told me that I was his ‘muse’ and got him into his desired film school. He told me that I was being unreasonable and turning what I did into something abhorrent when it was ‘art’. I am still not even looking at him just because of what I have done.
Maybe, I’m projecting and diverting this anger that has stemmed from embarrassment onto him.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You haven’t done anything wrong by appearing without clothes.
Your brother pressured you into doing something you were uncomfortable with; how he feels about your being exposed is irrelevant, it isn’t his consent that matters here.
I’m not sure I buy the claim that he already submitted the file – it might be worth reaching out to the instructor.
As for the muse nonsense – you’re a person, not an object. Once you said no that should be the end of it.
You are NOT responsible for his craft or creativity.
‘He told me that I was being unreasonable’
You are not. Now there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, but you are clearly uncomfortable with it in this context, and that should be respected.
‘and turning what I did into something abhorrent when it was ‘art’.’
God this just sounds extremely pretentious.
You’re uncomfortable. That’s it. End of story. ‘Art’ is not a reason to pressure someone into doing something they don’t want to do.” Kettlewise
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Your brother is what’s wrong with the industry.
‘A love letter to life’ plus ‘authenticity, realism and intimacy’ involves filming one’s topless 18-year-old sister (!) and then submitting it – one hopes to the professor and not to his fellow students, because if a room full of undergraduate film students have access to it, it could find its way onto the internet for all eternity?
And then he refuses to try to kill it (assuming he really has submitted it already; You’d think he would have had to spend some time editing it and maybe color-correcting it, so it’s very possible he’s just plain lying.)
No, your brother’s behavior would be what we call ‘exploitation,’ not a handful of pseudo-Truffaut cliches.
Let him know that you never agreed for him to put a film featuring your bare body into the computers of a bunch of film students, that this makes you extremely vulnerable, and that in the absence of consent, he is very likely violating the rules his film school has about the making of shorts.
If your brother is at a legitimate film school, and if the film has genuinely already been submitted, you may be able to contact his production professor, his advisor, or the dean of his branch of the film school to withdraw the film from being shown or stored anywhere that others could access it.
I also think it might make sense to talk with your parents and get them to pressure your brother to take care of this.
And if he still plans to go public with your film, may I suggest you threaten to go public with him?
I doubt that a whole lot of female students in his program are going to be dying to work with a guy who would do this to you. I doubt that female professors are going to be thrilled with him either. Film school students have all kinds of internet presence.
So do cinematography websites. There are chats galore. There are all kinds of places you could post. Let him know that you plan to go public and stay public throughout his film school career and beyond if he doesn’t fix this.
Call it a love letter to scorched earth.” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, consent can be withdrawn at any moment. If OP doesn’t want him to use the footage (especially as OP didn’t mention if any legal documents were signed), he absolutely shouldn’t use it. If OP is his “muse”, he has to pay attention to OP’s needs and what OP asks of him, or else, it will be only exploitation (OP didn’t mention if she receives any compensation or salary for her participation).
It sure must be really comfortable for the brother to use OP’s acting for free instead of paying someone.
Also, it is certainly not professional to ask OP about being half exposed on the actual shooting, it has to be done in advance of the shooting, so the participants can decide if they do the project or not.
Brother tricked OP into being without clothes with 1) the timing (OP couldn’t concentrate as it was really early) and 2) pressure, as they were already shooting, so refusing could’ve felt like OP is stopping the project and can be blamed if it’s not happening.
OP’s brother has to learn in that film school about treating right the actors/actresses, how to treat them professionally, too.
Certainly not like this. If he uses the footage against OP’s will, I would take legal action, if possible.” springduh
4. AITJ For Not Telling My Fiancée That I'm An Orphan?
“I (26M) am an orphan of the ‘left at the doorstep of the fire station’ variety. No name, information, birthday, or anything. I guess I wasn’t a very cute kid, because I was never adopted. Then I went through a series of foster homes and the things that happened made me wish the US had actual orphanages because at least workers are there for the money, not whatever twisted crap they think is ‘parenting.’
I grew up bitter and worked hard, desperate to prove myself on the off chance that they’d see and come back. When no one was there for high school graduation, I broke down. Then I let go of the resentment, but in order for that to happen, I also let go of ever wanting anything resembling parents.
I went to college and then got into med school. Not because of a particular interest in medicine, but because no matter what happened, someone would always need a doctor. I fell in love with a classmate and we started going out. I never told her that I was an orphan, only telling her my parents were chronically absent (true) and someone else took care of me (also true).
After two years of being together, she proposed the day after our graduation six months ago. I was so happy that I finally had physical evidence (and a rather expensive ring at that) showing I was worthy of being loved that I didn’t remember parents are at weddings, so I’d need to tell her.
The ‘physical evidence’ bit was tongue-in-cheek. I grew up without gifts like that and I learned to make do. The salient part is that that was the happiest that I’ve ever been, and I didn’t want to jeopardize that by unloading my past.
We matched at the same hospital where her family lived, so we moved in together there, and after the 12th unsolicited visit from her mother asking what our plans for the wedding were, I decided to tell my fiance in a probably crude way.
I told her that my parents were chronically absent because I didn’t know who they were and that ‘someone else’ was in the foster homes. After asking a couple of questions, she ran away to her parents to discuss my parentlessness, then they all came back for dinner.
My prospective MIL said that she and my prospective FIL wanted me to think of them as my parents from now on and that she’d be my mother for the wedding. I thanked them but said I wasn’t interested in having parents of any kind.
But, she insisted, everyone should know a parent’s love. I made a joke about a mouse in my research eating its baby. She pushed again and I said it’d be akin to stepsibling incest. Then prospective FIL slammed the table and yelled at me for not taking his wife or daughter seriously, and I snapped, telling them to get a grip and go find my parents if they wanted me to have them and God I hope they have better luck than I did.
They shut up and left.
Later, my fiance and I were going to the room they were holed up in to apologize and talk calmly when we overheard them talking about the situation. They were really concerned… about what it would look like to Gramps if his granddaughter was marrying an orphan.
See, that’s the kind of thing I’ve come to expect from parents.
But my fiance is still upset and demanding to know what else I’m hiding from her. The answer is nothing, her parents and her gigantic family that won’t fit in a farmhouse are obviously important to her but I never knew mine so this wasn’t a huge secret, just something I didn’t like talking about.
AITJ? or even if I am, is there anything else I could’ve done to get a better outcome?
Some clarifying details: I knew Lola’s (fiancee) family was rich but there’s rich and then there’s influential, both of which they are. I only knew about the latter part in vague details before the events happened because I didn’t care before and Lola becoming a doctor was in part an effort to break away from the mold of the family so she doesn’t like going into too much detail.
They are deeply entrenched in the businesses and local government of the US South and are conservatives, so my lack of heritage is a problem to them not only in a social lens but also in a practical one in terms of possible scandals/campaign ammunition (eg ‘your homelessness policy sucks and yet your son/nephew/grandson in law was 12 dollars away from being homeless in 2014.
Curious.’). That’s why it’s become an issue. Prospective FIL has been told point blank that they don’t want a ‘nameless’ person marrying into the family.
Update: I’m the jerk for keeping my status as an orphan from Lola only for the reason that she is the person I’ve decided to dedicate my life to, so I should trust her with everything about my life.
I don’t agree that I should’ve told her because if it turns out she has a problem with orphans, that’s wasted time for both of us (more on that here), nor do I agree that I lied. I was never under the illusion that I could keep it a secret forever, but I don’t see the issue in having waited past a year or six months or whatever subjectively defined timeline you (in the royal sense) personally might’ve wanted to know about it.
All relevant factors (eg not being a Strong Family Man) are exactly the same whether I’m an orphan or just have really absent parents.
I’m the jerk for saying vulgar stuff to prospective MIL and FIL in an attempt to distract away from the topic of me considering them as my parents.
They’ve apologized for not taking more time to understand my situation. They simply thought didn’t have parents = wants parents. I’ve apologized for what I said. Prospective MIL and FIL still think my desire to just leave the ‘parents’ section of my life blank is just a defense mechanism that I’ll eventually get past.
I’m not entirely sold on talking to a therapist instead of just talking to her, but at least one of the two is happening.
Lola and I are doing extremely well. I figured I’d be, at the very least, occupying the couch for a bit, but on the first night, she came out after brushing her teeth telling me to hurry up and come to bed as if it was my fault or something.
Sometimes dreams do come true.
There’s been a little adjusting as she comes to terms with the new information, but she trusts that there’s not nothing else I’m hiding and I’m not.
We’re still engaged, but most of her family is adamantly against us getting married for the reasons laid out above.
Her parents are one of the few on our side (oops). Hope things can cool down so we can get married without incident but it’s out of our hands for the time being.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you seem to define yourself as an orphan as it is your personality instead of a fact.
You lied about it (and particularly something as important to you) to the one who stated and showed wanting to tie their life with yours and be a family with you. You rejected the warm welcome (at least the best they could do) of their parents, shutting down their attempts to welcome you as their own.
Marrying into a mean mangling family, and you rejected them for your own issues not having one.
You reacted quite poorly to your partner’s parents trying their best to make you feel welcome loved and accepted by them. This can be explained by your own insecurities and issues, however, it was indeed rude the way you adamantly rejected their attempts to welcome you as family.
You might not understand it from your upbringing. However, you should try to understand it was their way to accept you as you are and show they were willing to offer what you lacked.
You could have kept it to thank but not looking for compensate.
Learn to accept being loved, and better respectful to others coping mechanism.” The_real_Psu
Another User Comments:
“Keeping a secret only to end up telling them in a crude way wasn’t the best way to approach this… but it sounds like you have so much resentment towards the lack of love from your birth parents that you are trying to sabotage any healthy relationships where people show you love.
When they said they want you to think of them as parents, I think they were just trying to say ‘let us show you the love you were missing’ and not that they actually wanted to become your parents. I think they would’ve meant it in a natural family or MIL/FIL type of way… although I can see how it saying ‘think of us as your parents’ is kinda pushing a big boundary since they aren’t your parents and wanting to be thought of like that would almost be more for them to feel good and less about you… and it sounds like that was kinda proven when your father-in-law slammed his arms down for not ‘taking them seriously’ and later by saying they didn’t like their daughter marrying an orphan.
I can understand why your partner wants to know what else you were hiding, as you were able to hide something big and all these overwhelming emotions fairly easily.
‘but I never knew mine so this wasn’t a huge secret, just something I didn’t like talking about.’
But it sounds like it was more than you not wanting to talk about it, and instead, something you purposefully kept from them and probably lied about since at some point the topic of conversation around parents/upbringing would’ve come up.
‘is there anything else I could’ve done to get a better outcome?’
Maybe by saying you can accept them as parents-in-law who are loving but aren’t comfortable thinking of them as your own parents. I don’t know… it’s a difficult situation.
Everyone sucks here (except your fiancé).” Sinsemilla_Street
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’ve had a life very few people could relate to.
All your decisions are driven by that pain. Your fiance is right to feel hurt, you hid such a huge part of you that how can she help but feel deceived and wonder what else you’re hiding? The issue isn’t that you never knew your family.
The issue is that you lied to her about it. Yeah saying you were abandoned by your parents isn’t a first-date conversation if you don’t want it to be. But around the time you saw a future with her was probably about the time to share some of that information.
You want a better outcome? You need to be more open with your future wife. That doesn’t necessarily mean breaking all barriers in 2 days, but it means having those uncomfortable conversations and telling her when it gets too real that you need a break.” verytiredd
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Fiance’s parents for the obvious.
You because hiding something this significant from a partner to the point they became your fiance and still didn’t know is obviously and justifiably going to create trust issues for them about the relationship.
Especially as it included lies/half-truths on your part.
Your fiance saying ‘what else are you hiding?’ is essentially her saying ‘I now know two things, 1) that you are willing to hide huge things from me, and 2) that when you lie and hide things from me, I can’t tell’.
It’s not necessarily that she actually thinks you are hiding more things, it’s that you could be and she wouldn’t be able to tell. It’s a possibility now where before she had complete faith.” ttnl35
3. AITJ For Encouraging My Daughter To Give Her Birthday Presents Away?
“My ex and his family tend to go way overboard when it comes to our children’s birthdays. I’ve tried asking them to either tone it down or to leave the gifts at his house because I live in a small flat now and I just don’t have the space but they don’t listen and insist the gifts need to be kept with me as the kids live with me for the majority of the year.
My daughter’s 5th birthday was 2 weeks ago and they bought her so many things that I was struggling to find space for everything. I decided to donate some of her things because there’s no way she’ll use everything given to her. I explained how some people didn’t have as many toys as her and asked her if she would be okay if we gave some toys to people who had fewer.
She really enjoyed giving her things away and decided she would give some gifts to her cousins and friends too.
My ex found out because when he came to collect the kids my daughter told him she was going to give an art set his parents bought her to my niece.
He tried to convince her not to as it was a gift for her but she said I said that it’s good to share your toys with people who didn’t have as many.
Now he’s mad at me because he thinks I shouldn’t be encouraging our daughter to give her birthday presents away.
I explained again how I didn’t have space and he accused me of lying to him and choosing to live in a small flat when I had other options.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Actually, no, I commend you for this. I’ll tell you why.
Your daughter is so blessed to have a family who loves her and wants to buy her so many things. It’s fortunate she has a mother like you who provides her with everything she needs and it’s clear she has an abundance of all the things she wants and needs in her life.
Most kids wouldn’t give their things up so readily, but it’s very clear your daughter is already learning valuable lessons from you that giving to those less fortunate when you can afford to is always a beautiful thing.
Your ex obviously never learned this growing up, and it’s very apparent that he’s probably quite greedy.
While I understand that he probably feels bad to see her give away her things, he also has to understand that she’s doing it out of the goodness of her heart and because she wants to, and that’s what truly matters.
Your daughter is going to grow up to do really great things in life.
Keep doing what you’re doing. You really are a perfect candidate for Parent of the Year.
NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ.
He didn’t give her those gifts to have them given away. And if he’s correct that you can live in a bigger space but choose not to, then it’s kind of messed up that you’d choose this.
I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with suggesting she donate stuff, but at least let her enjoy stuff or see what she gravitates toward before you start passing it off to others. You could also donate some of her older stuff that she doesn’t touch, rather than the stuff she JUST GOT.
I just don’t see this as an innocent act on your part. What if your daughter could bloom to be an amazing artist, but because she gives away her art set, she never realizes this talent?
You also weren’t specific on how much space this new stuff was taking up.
You were very vague about it, I suspect that was intentional, to downplay what you did.
Did you exhaust all other options first? Organizational storage to help her display/store her stuff?
How would you like it if the tables were turned and he did this with stuff YOUR hard-earned money paid for in order to celebrate her birthday and offer her opportunities to try out new things and skills, and he just told her to give it away to someone else?
OP, just stop. It’s not cute.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They ignored your requests and crossed your boundaries. There is absolutely no reason for a 5-year-old to be bombarded with so many unnecessary gifts and expecting you to hold on to them all. They are instilling materialistic values by setting this precedent, which typically leads to levels of entitlement.
In my humble opinion, I think your decision to make this a life lesson will be profound for your daughter. You are instilling empathy and consideration of other needs. She is learning at a young age how good it feels to give to those and share the wealth.
This is something that is grossly missing from society and as an educator who works with children wish more parents would promote values like this.” time4beauty
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It’s unfortunate that they won’t listen to you or compromise on keeping things at their houses for your daughter.
I do think you should have focused on donating her older things that she doesn’t use as much, instead of the new things that you never even gave her a chance to use. Maybe she wouldn’t have used the new things because she has so much – or maybe her favorite thing ever was in there and you gave it away.
I think it also became a confusing message for her. You focused on not everyone having as much as you, so you should share. But on the flip side, it can be seen as rude to take a gift and basically say I don’t want this and get rid of it.
I’m guessing her father and other family are offended. And your daughter doesn’t get the difference. If my family gives me a gift I wouldn’t immediately be like ‘eh I don’t really want this, but I bet my friend would like this!
I’m giving it to her.’ That would generally be seen as rude, but that’s what you taught your daughter to do.” SpeechIll6025
2. AITJ For Not Talking To My Wife About Things She Does For Me?
“My wife grew up with an emotionally abusive father. She has told me many times how her mom, her siblings, and herself could never do anything right.
Her mom would spend the day making an amazing meal, I know she is a great cook from experience, and her dad would complain about it the whole time.
My wife almost made the Olympic team at her event. That put her close to the very best elite athletes in her sport. Her dad complained about how he had spent all this money on her and that she wasn’t good enough to make the team.
She went as an alternate.
Her brothers burned themselves out competing academically. They got scholarships to some pretty amazing colleges, one got into an Ivy. The one that didn’t almost have a breakdown from his dad’s reaction.
You get the idea.
I on the other hand was raised by two pretty great people.
They were far from perfect, but they tried their best and made sure to make me and my sisters know that we were loved and that they were proud of us.
Sorry for the backstory but I want you to know why my wife is how she is.
My wife cannot handle not being perfect. Which I think she is. my one caveat is that she is much too hard on herself.
I used to ask her about everything. If she bought a new kind of coffee I would ask about the brand.
If she made us a new meal I would ask about the recipe. If she got me new socks I would ask where she picked them up.
I just wanted information and to make conversation with her. The problem was that all of my questions would be answered with the question ‘why what’s wrong with it’?
You have no idea how disheartening it is to have your wife spend a day making Pho from scratch and you ask about it because it is delicious and her first response is ‘Why what’s wrong with it’?
Or to get a really comfortable new pack of socks and ask where she got them and once again hear the words ‘Why what’s wrong with them’?
So I have stopped asking. I thank her for everything she does. She is everything to me.
But she has noticed that I have not been asking about anything. We still talk about our day. About our son. About books, we are reading or stuff on the news.
But I won’t ask her about anything she does for me.
So I explained why. She was starting every interaction in a negative way. It was driving me nuts. So I proved it. We went to the kitchen and I pointed out that she had gotten some new coffee for me.
A really nice Sumatran light roast. And the first thing she said was ‘Did you not like it? What was wrong with it’? Then she put her hands over her mouth like a cartoon.
She says that she can’t help how she is and that I am a jerk for not asking her about stuff so she knows I like it.
I told her that I promise to tell her if she ever gets me anything I don’t like.
She says that is not good enough but I just dislike negativity.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – sometimes questions aren’t questions and she was raised to expect emotional mistreatment for anything.
It’s not your fault but a habit you could try to get into is immediately following up your question with a positive comment explaining why you are asking – ‘Where did you get these socks? They feel great!’ ‘What is this coffee brand? It tastes wonderful!’
It’s neither of your fault that she’s been essentially trained to expect mistreatment without questioning, but positive reinforcement could help with that mental link that your questioning of her means she did something wrong so she needs to know what is wrong so she can fix it and stop being criticized. She might find therapy helpful – I go just chatting about anything, no real plan or topic, and have found it helpful just to have someone to talk to about my feelings.
You clearly love her but sometimes believing you are worthy of love when denied it by a parent can be really difficult to overcome, even when you find someone who thinks you hung the moon and stars.” AntiqueRaspberries
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife needs to actively retrain herself to stop.
You should discuss this with her. If she doesn’t want to unlearn it, then explain you will quit asking. She is holding on to that insecurity and needs to let it go. A therapist might help. If she agrees, you might help retrain her autopilot brain by starting out, I am going to ask a question, do not respond for one minute, and think about your response.
I have had to undo something like this myself. It’s really hard and can feel infantile to be treated that way so if she gets frustrated when trying to fix this, understand it is often frustration at herself, not you.” holisarcasm
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, she was raised that way, maybe both of you could work on a way to address that? It is a habit but habits can be unlearned but it takes a lot of time. So talk to each other about how to fight this.
Maybe you could remind her the first few weeks or months, don’t say that, and rephrase the question, maybe like a look or something, so she doesn’t feel very attacked. She can try to change, what is wrong with it? with, ‘why, do you like it?’ and then she can try to replace the question with her own reasoning, like, Oh I just wanted to try it, it seemed good, or something along those lines.” guessucant
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It sounds like she wasn’t aware of what she was doing, and she’s just realized it. Now is a great time to talk to her about how you can react or respond to that behavior to help her recognize when she’s doing it and stop.
Don’t go all out, but perhaps every Saturday, point it out each time, or for an hour after getting home from work, before bed, etc. Start off small so you’re not ‘nagging’ her, but so that the two of you are working together to improve this because it can’t be a good feeling for her to constantly be looking for veiled complaints every time you ask a question.” Mendel247
1. AITJ For Inviting My Brother's Ex To Christmas?
“My brother, John, dated Kiara for 10 years and they broke up 4 years ago because my brother didn’t want to leave my city and Kiara got a great job opportunity outside the country, he made her choose between the job and him… She moved to another country.
Kiara and I became best friends while she dated my brother and we maintained our friendship even after the breakup. My brother always made it clear that he didn’t like it, but I don’t care.
He has been with Pam for 3 years. She is 6 months pregnant and engaged to him for 7.
Kiara is also with a great guy.
This year, the construction of my house was finally ready and it has a large leisure area and swimming pool, great for parties. Because of that, I decided to do Christmas at home and my parents and brothers agreed.
In all, there will be about 30 guests (friends and family) at the party, including Kiara who is spending the end of the year here and I invited her.
As usual for my parties, I set up a message group with the adults at the party to discuss the menu and who was getting what.
In that group were also Kiara, Pam, and John.
John called me asking if Kiara was in that group and when I confirmed it, he started saying that it would be weird to have his ex at the party and that it would be better if she didn’t go so as not to make the situation difficult.
I asked Kiara if she felt ok with them at the party and she said ‘yes, why not?’ so I just replied, ‘I want her there so she stays’.
This caused a stir and even Pam called me saying that it would be too much awkward for Kiara to go and that she wouldn’t want to go through stress even more pregnant, basically begging Kiara not to go.
I was already fed up and he replied ‘Look, grow up, the relationship ended years ago and she is MY best friend, who unfortunately is John’s ex, but it’s my party and I won’t stop inviting my friends because you don’t want to. If you don’t want to go, that’s fine, I won’t be upset, feel free.’
It didn’t help the situation much, because now they are accusing me of choosing to make an awkward situation instead of family.
My parents asked me to give up this idea to have peace on that day, but no one offered the house for this event.
I understand being an ex and being annoying but it’s still my party and Kiara came to the country to see friends.
AITJ?
Some points to clarify: Yes, I am much closer to Kiara than I am to my brother and Pam. He didn’t introduce me to her, because we went to the same school, but it was because of him that I APPROACHED her.
The party would take place at my house and it was always made clear that it would not be something so familiar, but something with family and friends, I invited my parents and extended my invitation to my brothers, making it very clear that there would be 20 more people in addition to the family.
I left it open if they wanted to celebrate something more personal and I wouldn’t be upset if I did, but they agreed to go to my party because it’s more spacious for everyone.
It was a peaceful breakup, John just didn’t like me keeping in touch with her because family must forget ex in his head.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for this right here:
‘My brother always made it clear that he didn’t like it, but I don’t care.’
You know your brother isn’t exactly cordial with his ex. He doesn’t even like you being friends with her, which is wrong on his part.
Big time.
But you took over hosting family Christmas, and during the discussion about you hosting at your newly constructed home, not once did you give a heads up about this ex attending. Knowing how your brother feels. You hid it.
And then you threw him and his pregnant fiancé in a group chat with that same ex that he wants no contact with.
It’s your house and your rules, invite who you want but it’s a giant YTA for that stunt you pulled right there. Your brother has made it abundantly clear he wants no contact with this specific person, and you put him in a group chat with them and invited them to family Christmas.
If you had at any point told him Kiara was coming before that, you would not be the jerk. But for how you went about this, YTJ. Big time.” Destroyer2118
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I mean, I get it, it’s your house and you can invite whoever you want.
But why won’t you just give your brother the heads up or ask him how he feels about it? My guess is that you aren’t very close to your brother.
As for Kiara, she isn’t visiting to come to your party. You could see her another time.
But that ship has sailed, you’ve already invited everyone and you shouldn’t have to uninvite your friend for your brother.
So, you suck for pushing your bro to be around his ex with his new partner… that’s super awkward and he’s told it’s awkward in the past. And he sucks because he should just not go instead of trying to get you to uninvite someone.” WaywardPrincess1025
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A normal party? I would definitely say not the jerk, you don’t need to drop your friend off for your brother.
But you volunteered to host your family Christmas this year and then created a clear conflict for one of your family members!
You knew your brother is already uncomfortable with your friendship with her, you knew it would put him in an awkward position, and you knew it would put his fiance in an awkward position. And you didn’t have the decency to talk to them about it beforehand.
You also asked Kiara if she was comfortable with it, but apparently do not care at all if your brother is.
It’s rude and inconsiderate, and it’s putting your parents in a really unfair situation as well. They thought they were agreeing to a Christmas with their children, but you’re more than happy to push one of their kids out.
If you’d rather spend Christmas with your friends than your family, that’s completely fine. Everyone’s priorities for the holidays are different. But you approached this entirely wrong.” alluce1414
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You because you’ve decided your best friend means more than your family and you’ve shoved a pregnant woman into a situation she telling you will stress her out.
Stress puts that baby at your risk. They are right you are choosing an awkward situation over your family.
Your brother sucks for not having the maturity to say I am not putting my pregnant partner in that situation so we will celebrate Christmas at our own place but drop by the next day to see you or later when the party is over.
Shouldn’t have gotten your parents involved to pressure you.
Neither Pam nor Kiara suck. Neither of their behaviors or requests is unreasonable.” Horrornerd3000
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