People Look For Objectivity In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Saying I'm Not Responsible For My Niece?
“Before I (M40) got married to my wife (33) we talked about everything in advance. It was silly stuff at first. How we squeezed toothpaste, which direction the toilet paper roll should face, that sort of thing. But as our relationship progressed we talked about more serious stuff.
How we would discipline our children, living wills, and what we would do if we knew we were having a child with severe special needs. We decided together that we didn’t want to do that to a human. To bring them into the world to suffer.
We were lucky enough that it wasn’t ever something we had to deal with.
I had told my sister this because she is my best friend. She went running to our parents saying that we were terrible people who would terminate a pregnancy that wasn’t going to give us a perfect child.
I never said that. We had to spend days explaining that we knew what we could handle and what we could deal with. My parents weren’t happy.
Well, unfortunately, my sister (36) did not have this talk with her husband. When she was pregnant with their second child the doctor told them that the child would have many health issues.
They prayed about it and went forward with the pregnancy.
My niece is nine now. And my sister now has an ex-husband. The medical expenses drained all their savings. And he could not handle knowing that caring for his daughter was going to be something he had to do for the rest of her life.
We just had Thanksgiving and my sister is having a tough time. My niece is in diapers and will be for the rest of her life. My sister can’t work because she would need special childcare. No daycare would do. Prescriptions are hundreds if not thousands every month.
My parents are helping her but my dad has had to postpone his retirement to be able to give her money. My wife and I help with about $500 a month. It’s not much but it still puts a hole in our budget.
My sister wants to move in with me so my wife, who works from home, and my MIL who lives with us to help with our children, can help her with my niece.
We don’t have room for three more people. Or the budget to make our house accessible. So I told her that we are not responsible for her life choices.
My parents are saying that I need to step up and help. Or that they will give everything to my sister when they pass away.
I told them that this was a great idea. My family doesn’t want or need their money and they should set up a trust for her now.
I guess that wasn’t the answer they wanted because everyone in the family is calling me a jerk for not taking care of my sister and niece.
So I guess I’m asking if I’m the jerk for not wanting to be in a situation I intentionally avoided.
Edit: My ex-BIL pays child support and spousal support. And he spends a lot of time with my nephew, my sister’s other child.
She can’t move in with my parents because they downsized as soon as we were out of the house.
She is already receiving assistance from the government.
This one is painful to write. Without going into details let me just say this, I’m relieved that my niece has so little brain activity that she can’t actually be experiencing all the pain her poor little body is undergoing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s unreasonable to ask that you take two additional people into your home, that your WFH wife provide personal care while she’s supposed to be doing the job she’s being paid to do, and that your MIL can take in caring for her child in addition to your own children.
Like… WHAT!?!
Your entire household would revolve around your special needs niece, with your family’s needs being secondary, because everyone else in the house can function independently. That would be very destructive to your family.
If everyone else in the family thinks it’s such a terrific idea to have your sister and her daughter move in with another family member and expect everyone in the household to help care for the daughter, why aren’t they stepping up and offering to do what they expect of you?” SirMittensOfTheHill
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your sister’s situation is sad, but you have no obligation to do more than you are doing. You are being more generous than many other siblings would be.
Sometimes people who are in very difficult situations become selfish and entitled. It sounds as if your sister has this problem.
Her burden is so great that she cannot imagine why others don’t give her more help.
She has no right to expect you and your wife (and mother-in-law) to take care of her and her children. You have children of your own. Your wife is trying to work from home.
How is that going to work out?
The situation is an invitation for disaster. I bet if she moved in she would lean more and more on your wife and her mother. It would definitely not be fair to them. Your children would be uncomfortable.
The whole household would be revolving around your niece’s problem. It would not be surprising if it took a toll on your marriage.
If your sister can’t handle caring for the poor child on her own, then she should look into residential care.
It strikes me that your sister is not thinking long-term but is just trying to get from day to day. The solution of moving in with your family may sound great to her but it is not realistic.” Why_Teach
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Also, I tried to think why her caring parents wouldn’t take her in themselves and then it occurred to me.
This is about integrating your niece with your nuclear family. Specifically with your kids. Your sister can bring her up now, maybe with some help from your parents or you or your mother-in-law, but what about when your generation is gone? I imagine your sister thinks that if you all live together then your kids and she will be so close that when your sister gets too old to care for her, your children will be able to take that responsibility on.
If you let your sister in, you are signing your entire family on for caring for your niece for the rest of their lives.” PutTheKettleOn20
17. AITJ For Locking My Husband Out After He Ditched Me On My Birthday?
“I (27F) turned 27 two days ago and had a huge fight with my husband (32M).
We gathered some friends to celebrate my birthday, and we had dinner at our house.
I am beyond tired these days cause we have a 4-month-old daughter who doesn’t sleep well, so I am up more than half the night every night (he never wakes up).
So I told my husband that after dinner I would like for everyone to stay at our place to chat and have drinks, instead of going to the bar like the boys usually do.
My husband and his friends (my friends’ husbands) showed up already a bit wasted at our place at 8 pm. By this time, the baby was put to bed, and I cooked dinner and baked my own cake.
Dinner went well, and everyone was happy. After the cake and presents, things were a bit quiet.
As I was proposing board games, my husband asked the boys to go back to the bar. Everyone was on board, even the girls, as they all live in town they said that after drinks they’ll go home.
I asked my husband if I could go and he stays home with the baby.
But he says it would be weird.
They all left, and I told my husband that if he goes out, I’ll lock the door, which I did.
Since that night we are no longer on speaking terms.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He should have either stayed home with you or made arrangements for a babysitter so you could go out too.
He’s a full jerk and totally self-centered; there’s nothing he can say to justify what he did. Any attempts to defend himself or be angry with you for locking him out should be added to his list of crimes. As of right now, he can explain himself to the judge in divorce court because he is not husband material.” TrainingDearest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but honey, you have a husband problem:
This man never gets up with the baby and it sounds like leaves you to do 90% of the work with the baby.
He was out getting wasted with the boys while you took care of the baby, cooked your own birthday dinner, and made your own birthday cake.
You asked a very simple thing: can everyone hang out at the house, and have drinks there after dinner with you? Your husband doesn’t cave to others pressuring him to go back to the bar, HE is the one who says no, bar it is.
When you point out it is your birthday and you could go and he could stay home with the baby, he refuses, saying you need rest so YOU can be up all night with the baby.
He then takes all your friends (no, they aren’t, they’re his) and leaves you alone to clean up you’re own party.
Honey, what, exactly, is this man bringing to this marriage? He isn’t helping parent. He isn’t helping with the house. He clearly doesn’t respect you.
If it’s money, you can get that in spousal and child support.
You deserve better. Your kiddo deserves better. Please think hard about this relationship.” NerdySwampWitch40
Another User Comments:
“Sooooooooo NTJ. He made that night all about him. He says it would be weird if you went to the bar to have fun. WHY? It’s weird if you don’t go to the bar to have fun on YOUR birthday!
Isn’t it weird to leave the birthday girl behind? I would feel super awkward going to a friend’s birthday party and then ditching her with her baby so I can go to a bar crawl with the rest of the party. What were your ‘friends’ thinking?
Those are crappy friends.
You even say you requested ahead of time to not do a bar crawl, and then he PROPOSED it? He was blatantly just ignoring your wishes.
Your husband is a jerk. I really don’t like him, and if I would have been at that party and I considered you a friend, I would have said something like ‘let’s stay with OP and celebrate her birthday playing some board games’ or ‘OP should come to the bar crawl and I’ll buy her a birthday drink’ – I would have made sure everyone was aware you needed to be included. Or I would have stayed behind with you and hung out.
Get better friends. You may need a new husband if this one is that callous about everything else. But if you’re that ignored on your birthday, I don’t know what else to expect for the rest of the year.” Attorney4Cats
16. AITJ For Not Helping My Pregnant Sister?
“My half-sisters and I only started talking late last year. I have a bunch from my Dad’s side who, by the way, I stopped talking to for almost a decade now.
My sister confided early this year that she is pregnant. She’s only 19.
But I’m not the one to judge since I was pregnant at the same age too. The only difference is that mine wasn’t planned. She told me she’s always wanted to have a baby. Her partner (22M) for only a year already has one kid and doesn’t have a job.
We live in a third-world country and my sister only gets paid $150/per month.
When she said that she has always wanted to have a baby, it annoyed me so much because for obvious reasons I’ve already stated above. She has already asked me for money a couple of times for her prenatal and vitamins.
At first, I caved in and gave her a few times. But what really made things worse was she stopped working. And she and her partner don’t have any plans to find work anytime soon and she’s due between next week and December.
Tonight she asked me for $50 to get a 3D ultrasound since as per her ‘it’s going to be a one-time thing’. But she added that she doesn’t have the money yet and she’s due anytime soon so she can’t have the 3D ultrasound for keepsake purposes.
Talk about priorities. I put my foot down and told her no and that I won’t help her at all. Even when the time comes that she’s going to give birth.
She aired out her frustrations on social media and tagged me saying something along the lines that I am greedy, selfish, and a hypocrite.
People are agreeing with her for some reason.
I worked my butt off when I was pregnant. Even got a cleaning job just to get by. Worked really hard until I was able to declare myself financially stable. And I wanted her to do the same.
EDIT: What I meant when I said I said I want her to do the same was I want her to also work hard and find means to support her kid. I didn’t say I want her to struggle too because I did.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Instead of planning to have a baby, your sister should have planned to be a parent. Parenting requires taking personal responsibility to provide for your child’s needs. Sounds like her plan was to find a man to get her pregnant, assuming she would be a full-time homemaker while baby daddy magically transformed into a great provider.
Reality has to hit sometime, it may as well be now.” Internal_Home_9483
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In your situation, you have little enough in the first place. You are thoughtful, planning for the long-term for yourself and your child. Money that you are able to save goes for your or your child’s long-term benefit.
If you share the little you have with your thoughtless half-sister, it undercuts your ability to plan for a better future. So we arrive at a situation where neither you nor your half-sister, or your children, have any support.
Half-sister and partner continue in their thoughtless lives and don’t ever try to work toward a better future.
You would be a jerk if you let them pick your pockets for frivolities like the ultrasound. You can bet that if they ever somehow gamble and win, they will squander their winnings and never give you and your child a thought.” Purple_Joke_1118
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is not your responsibility and never will be. I will never understand the entitlement of people like that! She chose to have a baby when she can’t even afford the baby and then went and quit her job! If anything you should point out on a social media post everything you did yourself when you had your child because you wanted to support your child and that you didn’t harass people and try to make them look bad online when they didn’t give you everything you wanted.” rainbow_mak3r
15. AITJ For Only Wanting My Kids Every Other Weekend?
“My ex-wife and I divorced last year, we have two kids under 6.
We worked out custody, I get them every weekend because I moved too far from their schools to have them any weekdays.
I hate it – all my days off are with kids I love them but I want to go out and meet someone and I can’t do that when I have kids every weekend.
She gets weekends off to do what she wants and surprise she has a significant other while I’m still single.
I want to enjoy some of my free time and go out with friends to do whatever I want but I can’t. I’m jealous of my ex and I hate it.
I can’t tell anyone in life because they will call me awful. I haven’t hooked up with anyone since my ex and at this rate, I never will.
So I want to ask her if I can get them every other weekend instead.
I know she is going to give me trouble and call me a bad dad but I want some free time too.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You get your free time during the week. You know, the times when she is getting them up, getting them breakfast, making lunches, doing school dropoff, (I assume) working, doing pickup, helping with homework, getting them dinner, giving them baths, getting them to bed, and going to bed knowing she’ll get up and do it all again the next day.
I assume she’s also doing doctor and dentist appointments, parent-teacher conferences, taking care of them when they’re sick, and all of the things we call… wait for it… parenting.
Meet people during the week.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You have a kid dude.
They should be the priority, not finding a new partner.
It’s completely not fair that the ex has them 5 days a week and you want her to have them for 12 days in a row a fortnight while you have them for 2 days over a fortnight with 12 days off.
Get your priorities checked. If you want every other weekend free, you should take them on for 2 days during the week every other week and take them to school, pick them up, etc, or move closer so you can trade weeks.
You have 5 days during the week to find a partner.” Typical_Rob
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, oh no my own choices have consequences! YOU decided to move far away so that you can’t effectively parent during the week. YOU decided it, not her not them. You are lucky she doesn’t say every other weekend and that’s it but the child support will go through the roof.
I’m sure your ex loves the fact she never gets a break. I’m sure it’s wonderful for her that every weekday is exhausting dealing with absolutely no breaks.
When you have children getting divorced doesn’t free you of all responsibility and all of a sudden you’re 20 again.
Grow up.” Flashy_Ferret_1819
14. AITJ For Not Letting My In-Laws Hold My Baby?
“Our family went to Thanksgiving last night and I refused to let either of the two SILs hold my 4-month-old son. He wasn’t feeling the greatest, so I used that and his needing a diaper change or a nap as an excuse when either of these women wanted to hold him.
My husband was mad. But I feel like my reasoning is perfectly acceptable, so I want to know… AITJ?
First SIL is a heavy abuser of pills. Pills of any kind and will take uppers and downers any chance she can get. She was even caught stealing her sick father’s medicine and is so high she can barely take care of herself.
I was informed last night that she would be attending Thanksgiving because ‘she got a refill on her pills’. Knowing that she sleeps through her own daughter, a 3-year-old getting outside and that she is barely with it enough to talk every time I’ve met her, I feel confident in my choice of not letting her hold my son.
The second SIL I have issues with stemming back from high school and it may seem petty, but that’s why I’m here. Back in high school, I was bullied by several ‘popular’ girls. I couldn’t walk anywhere without being called nasty names or hearing nasty rumors about me.
I’d sit in class with these girls spitting spit balls into my hair and once my backpack was stolen, my school books and homework were shredded and my personal journal was taken and shared with who knows how many people. Needless to say, my high school years were traumatic and heartbreaking.
This SIL was part of that girl group.
Fast forward MANY years, she is married to my husband’s brother. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt that she had grown up and we were now adults, and neither of us acknowledged our high school days.
As a matter of fact, at the last family gathering, I thought that we had hit it off and had some good conversations. I later found out that she was telling my husband’s family that I was a bad mother for having 2 white claws while at the gathering.
Her reasoning was that I was breastfeeding, however, I fed my son BEFORE I had any drinks, and did not breastfeed him again until much later that evening. (We had bottles prepared just so I could relax and enjoy myself a bit.) I then heard that she was complaining to the family about how our family is ALWAYS doing something.
It was meant to be an attack on us, although it just came across to me as jealousy. In the end, I feel I gave her another chance to redeem herself, and she proved to me that she has not changed much from the 15+ years since we graduated high school.
And for that reason, I don’t feel that I should have to allow her access to my son either.
In all honesty, I feel that no matter what my reasons are, I should absolutely be able to choose who I do and do not let my children around and whether people like it or not is too bad.
But apparently, that is not ok with my husband. I was made to feel like complete trash for that choice and he did not have my back during this ordeal and now I feel like trash. AITJ?
I feel like I should edit an update: I did just talk with my husband about this and here is where we ended up.
I initially was under the assumption that he did not agree with my decision and he assured me that he does agree with me and my reasons for not allowing them to hold him. But what he did say was that he is upset because he feels the decision makes it difficult for him to interact with his family.
After all, he does not want to be put on the spot if either of them asks to hold the baby. He does not want to cause problems with his family by saying no to them but by allowing others to hold him. This is why he was angry with me last night because it made it difficult for him.
So in my mind, he is willing to allow unsafe or inappropriate interactions in order to ‘not rock the boat’. That being said, I feel like I know who the jerk truly is in the situation…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ whatsoever. Your reasoning about BOTH SILs would be more than enough for me to not let them go near the baby.
I especially would be avoiding your trash-talking former HS abuser and they wouldn’t be allowed to have anything to do with my child if I were in your shoes, especially since she’s proven she’s not changed at all and still does not respect you.
I wouldn’t even want to be in the same room. I’m sorry you are having to cope with being connected to her still at all! As for the pill-popping SIL… that to me is common sense and safety 100% should come before possibly hurting someone’s feelings.” MainEgg320
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Being a pill abuser doesn’t mean that a person is dangerous around a baby. If you were not allowing her to babysit I would understand, but holding him while other adults are present seems fine.
With the other SIL frankly, you are being petty (maybe she is too, but the conflict is not going to end unless one of you decides to end it).
Plus, they are your husband’s family and he wants them to hold your son. You say that it’s your right to decide who holds your son. What about your husband’s rights? Isn’t it his child too?” Mysterious-Pie-7576
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re the mom. Nobody is allowed to hold your kid if you say no. If you decide you’ll only allow people in green shirts to hold the baby that’s your choice and I might not get it but I respect it.
Your job is protecting the baby and that’s what you’re doing. Don’t let people try to bully you out of that. You’re doing great, and to me your actual reasoning is totally sound and you made the right choices.” actuallywaffles
13. AITJ For Kicking My Mother-In-Law Out Of My Wedding For Wearing White?
“I recently married my incredible husband and the wedding was pretty perfect though there was a bit of family drama.
I didn’t realize this was even an issue until I saw MIL on Thanksgiving and she was very cold to me.
For our wedding the immediate family was asked to wear the colors, so my mom had raspberry and MIL had a beautiful turquoise. MIL expressed no problem (prob because she got one of her favorite colors).
A few days before the wedding, MIL had a serious riding accident and both of her wrists were broken. I have a lot of sympathy and can’t imagine having two casts on. I guess MIL hadn’t practiced eating with a fork with both arms in casts, and when she tried to eat at the reception she got a pretty noticeable stain on the front of her dress.
MIL gets super uptight about stuff like that and needed the dress off immediately.
She went to change and came back wearing a white cocktail dress. I was in shock and my maid of honor just looked at me like whaaat?! We went over and gently confronted MIL.
She said that was the only other dress she had as she brought it to go out with her partner the following night. I said she can’t be wearing white at my wedding and she rolled her eyes.
She snapped at me that her wrists are broken and told me to just leave her alone.
She tried saying it was fine because it was a cocktail dress and not floor length, but I felt really uncomfortable. I asked her to please put the other dress on and she said she was not wearing a food-stained dress. I found my husband and told him how uncomfortable I was and he told her to put the other dress back on or leave.
So she left.
I got a lot of crap the rest of the night from their side of the family. I thought we were over it but she was super annoyed the other day at Thanksgiving so I was wondering if I was too much of a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Both of her wrists were broken and you are stressing about what color she is wearing after dinner? You sound really cold. She is going to be your MIL for a long time and you are getting off to a bad start.
I don’t believe apologies fix everything, but you owe her one for sure. If you really think that your husband is incredible, show a little kindness to his mother.
ETA: I can’t believe they asked MIL to leave the reception. That is despicable. I’m mystified that OP is surprised the MIL is still upset at Thanksgiving.
MIL was obviously hurt by this, and OP is all la-de-da, aren’t you over that? OP, I don’t know how you will ever make this right with MIL. I hope you will try.” corgwin
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your wedding ceremony was over, the pictures were presumably taken and you were well into the reception.
Your MIL didn’t deliberately wear white to disrupt your big day, just due to unfortunate circumstances largely beyond her control. She did her best to take her misfortune in stride and be there for you and your husband. You could and should have done likewise for her.” WattHeffer
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Family coping with a difficult and painful experience like two broken wrists trumps wedding etiquette rules.
Also, you say that she spilled on herself at the reception… so after the wedding ceremony? By the time people are eating at the reception, most of the important formal photos, etc. are done, you’re already married, and now you’re just celebrating.
I mean, I still think YTJ even if she spilled pre-wedding snacks on herself and turned up in white for the ceremony given the circumstances, but the fact that it was at the reception and you already had color-coded pictures completed makes you an extra special kind of a jerk.” Honeybee3674
12. AITJ For No Longer Visiting My In-Laws?
“I have been married to my husband for twelve years. I used to be a quote-unquote good wife and I used to visit all the time for Christmas, football games, BBQs, birthdays… basically everything.
My sister-in-laws used to ignore me and go upstairs to their rooms to talk and ignored me. My sisters-in-law used to go out and never invite me. Other significant others in the family used to ask why I was always left out. Keep in mind I used to babysit my sister-in-law’s daughter while she used to go out drinking with her partner.
My other sisters-in-law never put in the time to get to know me and the other just followed along with what the other did.
Soon enough his brothers went to events and I was never invited to football games and tailgating. I’m not that much older than they are and I was always confused why I never was included. His sisters and brothers have left me out of their weddings.
Now I no longer visit my in-laws and I feel much better. My heart used to break repeatedly when I tried to get to know them and spend time with them and never was invited even though I babysat and tried to get along with them.
I felt so hurt and heartbroken. I always wanted 8 siblings like my husband had as a kid cause I am an only child. It just didn’t work out.
I tried to watch football with them, gave them an expensive Xbox with like 40 games, cooked and cleaned. They just never wanted me around.
Now my husband is upset because I no longer visit because my therapist said it’s toxic and it hurts me. I no longer try to build relationships with them and I just stay home and try to take care of myself when my husband visits his family.
I haven’t visited his parents’ house in 8 years. The problem is that it’s causing a rift in my marriage. I don’t know what to do. No one deserves to be treated the way I have been treated by my brothers and sisters-in-law.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Why keep trying to forge relationships with people who don’t want one with you? Your therapist is right, it’s toxic and you should remove yourself from harm’s way. Good for you for saying ‘no.’
But the rift in your marriage… Your husband is being extremely short-sighted here.
How does he not see what’s going on? His siblings are being intentionally hurtful and continuously excluded you. They got what they wanted, which is for you to disappear. If your husband has a problem with you not being around at his family’s functions, he needs to address it with THEM, not with you.
It’s concerning that he has no awareness of what’s been going on for 12 years, no empathy for HIS WIFE, and his knee-jerk reaction is to force you into a toxic situation instead of protecting you and standing up to your abusers. Your sisters-in-law are the jerks here, not you.
Hopefully, your husband will be able to recognize that before it’s too late.” fallingfaster345
Another User Comments:
“You don’t have an in-laws problem. You have a husband who lets you be disrespected problem. The rift is because you stopped letting it happen over and over.
He’s still not standing up for you. He’s still not defending you to his family, and he’s still not demanding you be treated with respect. What he is doing is making it clear that his family means more to him than you do.
Given that he has to go against one side or the other, he’s with them.
The rift will get better when he realizes and begins to enforce boundaries that require you to be treated respectfully. But since that’s not likely, consider talking to a lawyer.
NTJ.” kevwelch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your husband not seeing the hurt you were carrying and making all this an issue is major jerk behavior.
Does he expect you to continue to be a doormat for his family?
Maybe write down all the points you have on how they had been treating you and sit your husband down and ask him if he doesn’t believe in anything you have written down to show you or tell you when you were ever treated as part of the family.
Take your husband to therapy with you and have him sit in some of your sessions.
He sounds like he is so oblivious to the way they treat you and him as well that he probably thinks this is all in your head.” No-Bottle-8922
11. AITJ For Ratting On My Dad?
“Today, I (M15) got off school early so my friend gave me a ride home. When I got there, I saw my dad with another man in the kitchen. They weren’t without clothes or anything, but it was obvious it wasn’t just a friendly interaction (my dad was sitting on the counter with his friend in his lap.
LOL.)
Here’s where I might be the jerk: Instead of talking to my dad about it to try to understand what was going on, I ran away until I got to a store with some privacy and called my other dad and told him what I saw.
He picked me up, dropped me off back home, and went to stay at my aunt’s house for the night. When I got home and told my dad why my other dad wasn’t home, he was upset with me. He didn’t yell or anything but he looked like he was about to cry and told me that wasn’t what was happening.
He said his friend was struggling with an illness that could cost him his life, and he had grown up in an unaccepting environment and wanted to experience the kind of love he wanted before he passed away; My dad agreed, which led to what I saw earlier, but he claims he very quickly shut the situation down and didn’t go any further.
He asked me to explain to my other dad the truth, but I felt as though he should try to explain this to my other dad himself, as he deserves to know.
This next bit requires a little context: Having a sweet 16 has been my dream ever since I was little.
My family used to be very poor and I never got to celebrate any of my birthdays but my dads both worked very hard to get us to where we are now, and we agreed I would have the extravagant birthday party of my dreams. This is relevant because my dad said if I didn’t do this for him, he would no longer fund my birthday party.
He wouldn’t cancel it, but I don’t have enough money to fund everything myself. I didn’t ask for any gifts or anything else from them – just this. We went back and forth for a while until I started crying and my dad left the house.
I’m now alone in my room and I can’t sleep. I don’t want to have ruined my parents’ relationship, and I know it’s selfish but I want to have this party so badly. I don’t know what to do. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Hey OP, sorry you had to see that.
But it’s not okay for your dad to manipulate you in that way – to threaten to revoke funding for your birthday to make you be the one to explain to your other dad. Either way, if he’s truly blameless he should be able to have a rational conversation with your other dad, if he’s having an affair he should also be the one to talk to your other dad.
You’re not their relationship counselor, you were a child who was upset by what they saw and told your parent about it. I hope you’ll be able to have an amazing sweet sixteen, good luck!
NTJ.” telurdadarkicapmanis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not the jerk for telling your dad what you saw your other dad doing.
Never think that you are the jerk for sharing your concerns and you have EVERY right to discuss important things in your life with whomever you deem a trusted adult. PERIOD.
I’m going to refer to the dad you saw with the other guy in his lap as Dad A.
And the dad you told as Dad B.
Dad A has really, really screwed up here. A situation got out of control with a friend of his who is possibly dying. And his son is mad/disappointed in him. And now his son and his husband are convinced he’s unfaithful.
Trust me when I tell you – he’s not emotionally stable right now. He’s frustrated with himself, as well as angry at himself, he’s panicking over his marriage being over and hoping the person who caught him (you) can fix things with Dad B because he’s panicking and feeling a bit guilty/stupid.
Guilt, grief, panic, sadness, embarrassment, and likely, anger at himself. That doesn’t leave much room in his brain for thinking. I’m not asking or saying you should give him a pass, I’m saying give him a pause.
Parents are human. And we make great big dumb mistakes.
Hopefully, we own up to them and apologize, then make amends. God knows I’ve apologized and made up to my kids A LOT. They’ve done the same for me.
Asking you to intercede was not okay. Give him overnight to think this through and I’m pretty sure in the morning or soon afterward, he’ll apologize to you about EVERYTHING.
The situation with his friend, putting you in this horrible situation and asking you to be the intermediary. For disappointing you, for upsetting you. All that stuff.
And if he doesn’t, ask him to. Seriously. ASK. Tell Dad A that this is what you want from him, it’s what he would expect of YOU were the situations reversed.
After that’s happening, why don’t you both give Dad B a call and see if he’s calmed down, too? Ask Dad B if he is in a place where he can hear from Dad A. Have a family meeting about it.
If he’s not, well then you can decide if you do want to tell him that you misunderstood what you were seeing.
And however or whatever you feel is appropriate. But OP – Dad B running away and leaving you with Dad A wasn’t okay, either. So that’s an apology he owes you, okay?
So here’s my advice for tonight: Breathe. If you have a really good friend you can talk to, do that.
If you want to call your Aunt or Dad B – do that. If Dad B doesn’t pick up, leave him a message. Tell him what you need to.
Then go take a couple of deep breaths. And keep going.” NoeTellusom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your friend comforting dad needs to explain himself the whole situation. He’s the adult here. Instead, he’s blackmailing you to get you to cover for him. I think you should go to your other dad and tell him about the manipulations and blackmail your friend comforting dad has weaponized. Let your dads sort this out, they’re the adults here.” Cocoasneeze
10. AITJ For Bailing On Thanksgiving Because I Don't Want To Be Around My Sister?
“My (27F) sister (29F) has been selfish, toxic, and abusive my entire life.
She can’t get along with anyone including her coworkers and managers, starts fights with her neighbors bc she can hear them walk around in their homes, and thinks they should tiptoe so she can’t hear them (she lives on the bottom floor which she chose and has legitimately said these things to her neighbors).
She loses every friend or partner she’s ever had because she’s a nasty person. She got a dog she can’t take care of so we all watch him for her without thanks. Since she has no friends she always tags along with me and my friends and refuses to ever be the designated driver so I always have to stay sober to literally chauffeur her around to hang out with MY friends.
Two nights ago we did this and she got blacked out wasted and was being a huge jerk to me and my friends at THEIR house and she denies it.
Every single holiday she starts a fight and complains about something. EVERY holiday. If she got a gift she didn’t like you’d think someone gave her a literal piece of crap the way she would flip out.
I mean unbelievably insane things she would complain about (i.e. the type of plates we are using) and then say WE ruined HER holiday. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but basically, she has made my entire life miserable – always being nasty and then playing the victim, my parents having to call the police on her many times because they didn’t know what else to do about her tantrums as a near adult.
My parents agree she’s a terror and from childhood to this day they call her ‘satan’ and ‘the evil sister’ but they obviously have always enabled this behavior.
She has worked the last several holidays so they’ve all been great, but as luck would have it she was off this year.
For thanksgiving yesterday the 4 of us were supposed to go out to dinner and then a Christmas light show at a local garden. All day long before dinner she was texting me how she hates our family, we don’t care about her, she doesn’t want to come to thanksgiving, etc., again just being a victim when literally no one had even spoken to her that day.
Because I was so fed up with her complaining at me and going back and forth about coming to dinner as if she wanted us to beg her to come, I said screw it I’m not coming at all because yet again she has ruined another holiday and I would honestly rather be alone.
I told my parents their best bet was to go to dinner alone because I couldn’t be in the same room as my sister or even them. After all, they just allow her to act like this.
My parents did end up going to dinner alone and they skipped the light show.
Everyone is blaming me because I started a fight with my sister and ultimately we both bailed on thanksgiving. I was very excited for us to go out to our fav places, but when she started her crap before dinner I just lost it.
Am I the jerk for bailing?
Should I have just sucked it up for my parents?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your parents that they know well how your sister acts and the answer is not for you to just silently endure miserably while getting completely stressed out so they can pretend that no one is affected by how she behaves.
You are affected. A lot. This is primarily your sister’s fault and secondarily theirs for letting her get away with acting like that while saying and doing nothing. You don’t know what they get out of such a farce of a family gathering, but you won’t be putting yourself through it anymore.
Shame on them for blaming you.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it sucks that her attitude is affecting your relationship with your parents though. To an extent, she’s an adult, they don’t ‘allow’ her to act this way – they just don’t stand up to her when they should, but she sounds like an incredibly difficult person and she’s their daughter too, so that’s probably tough.
Edit to add – I’m seeing the part where you say they enabled her when you were kids so I don’t know, it’s not okay. You just said the holidays are nice when she doesn’t come so that made me sad for you that you would enjoy your parents’ company otherwise.” HabitualEnthusiast
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk.
My aunt is very similar to your sister in many ways. Several years ago (I was 26, if I remember correctly), I got fed up and decided not to have her in my life anymore. I no longer speak to her and have not seen her since making that decision.
I don’t regret it at all. She’s a nasty, toxic person.
I’m not saying you need to do the same thing with your sister. I think this is your call to make and some relationships are 100% worth fighting for. That being said…not all of them are.
Do what’s healthiest for you. Your parents will come around if they care about your well-being.” nattyboh1026
9. AITJ For Telling My Mother-In-Law She Can't Come To My House?
“I (26F) have been with my partner/husband/SO (male 30) for 3 years. We have a 6-month-old infant son. Everything was fine with my MIL ‘Jackie” up until I gave birth. She was in my home the day after I was released from the hospital to see the baby because she wanted to see the baby first. Guess what my family wasn’t coming because I didn’t want anybody over for 2 weeks.
After that, she started randomly showing up at my house unannounced when I would continuously ask for a phone call or a text message. Nope. I soon got my son into daycare as I returned to work. She showed up during nap time waking him up.
She is no longer on the list to see him.
Now… on to the story.
My son was sick. It’s been a rough few days and I haven’t slept much since. So we didn’t go anywhere as I don’t want to risk my baby getting worse.
My SO and I decided it was best he does not leave the house, nor should we have guests over. Well, this evening his mother wanted to come by as it is sleeting. I said no. My son is sick. She only wanted to come by so she could be closer to her job as she doesn’t want to drive in the snow/rain.
I still said no, my son is sick. The more my SO pushed that it would only be a few minutes, the meaner I got. I’m sorry but the weather and her living far from her job are not my problems.
After a few minutes, my MIL started texting that I’m messed up for not allowing her to come.
She starts bringing my family into it, things like they can come over whenever and stay as long as they want. Not knowing my family has respected all of my boundaries and also not knowing my family is having tons of issues and keeping a distance from each other.
I asked her to not mention them as she knows nothing. She continues to do so and continues to make me angry. I wanted to rip her a new one but I just told her the conversation needed to end and blocked her.
My SO says he understands where I’m coming from but that I was so rude and ugly in my delivery.
But I don’t think he does understand. He has never defended me. His family talks about me behind our backs. His mother has never respected any of my boundaries and continues to try to do what she wants. But this time. I. Snapped. I’m tired of it.
My SO and I argued. He’s in the living room and I’m in my room with my son crying as I type this out. I know in my heart I’m not a jerk. My delivery may have been but I wasn’t trying to be.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you have more than just a MIL problem. You also have a husband problem. The man hasn’t defended you ever and has let his family badmouth you and has let his mother stomp all over your boundaries. You weren’t rude in your delivery at first. If your MIL hadn’t started the fight you wouldn’t have had any reason to end the fight.
What’s going to stop his family from badmouthing you to your own child in the future? Your husband sure won’t stop them since he can’t even defend you now.” Nyxoltleee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. ‘rude and ugly in your delivery’. Nope nope nope.
Get out. You were not. You were setting boundaries. And even if you were, who cares?! You’re allowed to. I’m sick of people thinking barging in on someone’s life and their time is their right. If they don’t listen to ‘no’, maybe they’ll only listen to ‘get out of my house’.
Your husband not backing you up is a major red flag as well. And if she doesn’t want to drive in that weather, how’s she meant to get to your house? By driving? And if her plan was to stay because she wants to be closer to work, why did the husband think she would only be there a few minutes?
Imma guess he isn’t the one taking care of the very sick baby, and in fact, likes his mother babying him. Those two need to cut their own umbilical cord and act like adults.” enomisyeh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband & his mom are.
He needs to handle her. Do NOT let him or her convince you any of this was your fault. The only fault that lies with you is not making sure this boundary trampling ended sooner (since now she’s used to running over you & will be harder to handle than if she learned from the start that you weren’t having it).
You need to tell your husband that he’d better put a stop to her badmouthing you if he ever expects you to allow your son to go to MIL’s house – because if you’ve heard what she’s been saying about you, your son will be hearing it too when he gets older.
Surely he doesn’t want it to get to the point where a judge is factoring that into any potential custody & visitation arrangement. (And judges do factor that in.)” myhairs0nfire2
8. AITJ For Wanting To Stop My Daughter From Having A Crush On Her Teacher?
“My (35) 16-year-old daughter (Ally) has an incredibly serious crush on her math teacher and I can’t help but find it to be weird. For a bit of background, I was 19 when my daughter was born so her childhood hasn’t always been the easiest, her mother (37) and I aren’t a couple but have a pretty good co-parenting relationship that’s had little to no issues over the years.
I’ve always tried to be a relaxed yet responsible parental figure like how my parents were for me but in recent years I think I’ve been a bit too relaxed. My daughter has been falling behind in her grades in high school, specifically in her math classes.
In a parent-teacher meeting, her mom and I had spoken to her math teacher and he offered to tutor Ally for a bit after school until her grades came up. I thought this was a kind offer, Ally groveled for a bit as any kid would but we made her go anyways.
Over the next month, Ally’s grades drastically started to improve and she even became enthusiastic about attending her tutoring sessions. But I began to notice other things as well. Ally’s never really cared about makeup, hair, or clothes before but she started taking more time on them, I thought maybe there was someone at school she was starting to like and didn’t pry that much.
A couple of weeks ago Mr. Math gave me a call to talk about how much her grades have improved but also asked me to speak with her, she’s apparently been giving him lots of hugs despite him telling her not to as the school has a no hugging rule between teachers and students.
I didn’t think much of it till I picked her up from school for a doctor’s app. And saw her very blatantly trying to flirt with him. I tried not to comment on it directly but told her she didn’t need to stay after school anymore the next day as her grades had improved for a while, she ended up throwing a tantrum and started yelling and crying saying she hated me and that I wanted her to fail.
I talked about this with her mother and my partner and they both said I’m overreacting and that if an innocent crush helps improve her grades then it’s not an issue. I just feel like if I don’t nip it in the bud now that she will think these types of relationships are okay to have.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Crushes are normal, I don’t blame her. but this is obviously not ok. She is not respecting her teacher’s boundaries by giving him hugs and flirting when he doesn’t want it, and it’s good he doesn’t want it because that would be extremely inappropriate!
But definitely set her up with a different tutor, and have a talk with her about all of this. In a few years, she’ll be thankful you wanted to protect her, and she’ll be thankful her teacher never advanced onto her.” ghostlyfawn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Time to talk to your daughter about consent, and about how it’s ok for her to be attracted to somebody, but that attraction does not give her any sort of right to demand their attention back.
Teaching her that it’s wrong to have a crush is like trying to teach her to stop having feelings.
But you can teach her that there are appropriate ways to handle a crush, that her emotions don’t have to run her life, and that it’s ok to feel things and acknowledge that without the need to act on those feelings.
But you’ll need some emotional maturity yourself to do this.
Maybe talk to a therapist.” kevwelch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The issue isn’t the crush, it’s her behavior toward another human being that is the problem. You need to not think about it or address it as ‘this crush needs to stop’ because you can’t just wish away feelings like that even if you try.
What you need to do is identify the behaviors that are not ok: non-consensual touching. Tell her why they are not ok: everyone has the right to their own body unless you are literally trying to save their life aka CPR or the like it is never acceptable to non-consensually touch someone.
And lay out the consequences if this behavior continues: the teacher may lose his job if someone else sees and misinterprets this as something he invited rather than something she is forcing onto him, and removed from his classes if it happens again. Then follow through with the consequences as necessary.
Your daughter’s behavior is inappropriate no matter who her target is, but it’s made worse by the fact that her target is a teacher and could lose his job if her behavior isn’t stopped.” SheepPup
7. AITJ For Not Giving My Cousin Back The Engagement Ring From Her Ex?
“I (28f) can admit to being the type of person who can let their emotions impede their judgment. I’ve calmed down a bit since the initial fight but I’m still on the fence about me being in the wrong so I wanted to ask a host of folks who aren’t close to the situation.
A few years back my cousin ‘Rachel’ (35f) used to go out with a guy ‘Richard’ (32m) who everyone in the family really liked. He was the type of guy who would help out the family move, pick you up if you were in a tight spot, and trust to give a key to if your house alarm was going crazy while you were out of town and you wanted someone to check it out.
We all loved him and were excited when Richard asked Rachel’s parents for their blessing when he said he wanted to propose.
Rachel’s mom couldn’t contain her joy and told so everyone knew that Richard was going to propose and when and the type of ring he was going to use.
Before I was born my maternal grandmother had a family ring that she gifted to my aunt (Rachel’s mom) as it was a tradition that the oldest girl in the maternal line gets it as their ‘something old’ and then passes it down to the next generation.
Unfortunately, as a teen, Rachel’s house was broken into and one of the things that was stolen was the ring. The women in my family were devastated. Richard paid to have the ring made in the near exact image and used it to propose to Rachel.
We all thought it was sweet and even though Rachel said ‘yes’ she later confessed to not loving her engagement ring and wanted a different one. Unfortunately, this led to Richard and Rachel ending the relationship but since custom-made rings couldn’t be returned, Rachel and Richard both agreed to let my grandma have it and that was that.
Fast forward to now and I’m the one getting engaged. This year we spent Thanksgiving with my family and while there, grandma presented me with the ring so that way it could be my ‘something old’ just like the original one and I was so happy.
Rachel made a comment about it not making sense since it wasn’t the actual ring so it was silly but I said I didn’t care.
The next day Rachel sent me a message about it not only being inappropriate for me to wear the ring that Richard made for her on my wedding day but if we were to follow tradition then she should have it as the ‘oldest girl in the maternal line.’ I told her that she had her chance and blew it, and gave it to grandma who decided to give it to me.
Rachel has since blocked me and told other members of the family that I threw her breakup with Richard in her face and was hurtful. AITJ?
Edit: I already have an engagement ring that was given to me by my fiancé and I was wearing it on Thanksgiving.
The ring that my grandma gave me is what I plan to wear on my wedding day (most likely as a necklace) and then keep to later give to the next girl.
Did I stand there and watch Richard and Rachel physically hand over the ring to my grandma?
No, however, I was told that they agreed to give it to her as a gift and the only time I actually asked Rachel about it she didn’t seem upset or say anything on the contrary.
Richard no longer speaks to any of us as he wanted a clean break after the breakup.
Part of the reason why Richard went to Rachel’s parents was that he wanted to ask my aunt about her opinions on the type of ring she thought Rachel would like. She approved of his decision so Richard thought he was getting Rachel something that she’d like as he wanted the proposal to be a surprise.”
Another User Comments:
“Rachel literally ended her engagement because she didn’t like the ring. It is impossible to discuss her claim to the ring without bringing up her relationship.
She did have her chance and blew it. She doesn’t lay an ounce of claim to it now.
Keep her blocked and ignore her. She doesn’t deserve your time or attention. And don’t invite her to the wedding – she’ll find a way to make that all about her too.
NTJ” imothro
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Let’s be real, she didn’t end her engagement, her fiancé did.
It’s not crazy to realize that it would be painful to see an incredibly romantic gesture meant for her on your finger. Honestly, I’m surprised you lack that much empathy to realize. I would highly suggest giving the ring back OR getting your cousin’s blessing.
After all, the ring was meant to be hers and even if they agreed to give it to your grandmother, I can promise she didn’t do it expecting you to get the ring. It should either go to one of her children or not be an engagement ring anymore, as it’s borderline cruel to take the romantic gesture of her failed relationship and turn it into your engagement ring.
And yes, I understand she didn’t like the ring. But honestly? She isn’t a jerk for wanting to like the ring she’ll wear every day for the rest of her life. But I can promise you, it’s painful for her to be reminded of the relationship she lost. Be more sympathetic to that.” MagicCarpet5846
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s no different than the grandma paying for a replica after the original was stolen. Richard only had the ring made because he knew of the story around the heirloom and thought to keep the tradition going by getting a replica.
It was nice of him to let you all keep the replica instead of selling it. At this point, the replica is now the heirloom and grandma decided to continue the tradition of it. Rachel got bypassed because she doesn’t like the ring. I’m sure had everyone known she didn’t like the original, they wouldn’t have given it to her but op instead.” Glum_Hamster_1076
6. AITJ For Accepting A Scholarship For My Kids?
“My son and daughter have been going to public school their whole schooling career.
We saw an advert for a number of scholarships at a quality private school and we decided to apply for the scholarships for both of them. They’re both proficient in their academics and sports and my daughter also dabbles with the saxophone. They said there were limited spots though so we were preparing to just pay.
Well, they were accepted.
My daughter got a full ride including boarding fees and my son got half off. Only an idiot would pass off on such an opportunity so we obviously accepted their offer. We were telling my sister-in-law and her husband over supper about the news and they judged us for taking a scholarship that could’ve been given to someone who could’ve needed it more than us since we could afford the fees without the scholarship.
She is a bit biased as her friend tried applying and hasn’t heard anything back.
And that’s gotten me thinking because she is right. Are we the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Schools often use scholarships to attract students they want to attend, and those scholarships aren’t always ‘need-based’.
If you and your children were honest in all of your application materials (didn’t lie about household income or children’s achievements), then you did absolutely nothing wrong.
Your sister-in-law can keep her opinion to herself.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, obviously your kids work hard and are entitled to the scholarship but is that your only goal in life, to get through not being a complete jerk?
What about teaching your children about being global citizens and how receiving that kind of help could totally change the life of a student from a less advantageous background? What about teaching your children the lesson that just because you can take something that maybe you shouldn’t?
I don’t think you are a jerk for taking the money, but if you refused it, even 1 of them so that perhaps a disadvantaged child could benefit who wouldn’t otherwise be able to attend, I would think you are a hero and a stand-up guy.” DDNorth20
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And now you know where your SIL stands with regard to her nephew and niece.
Your children earned the scholarship! Congratulations! Your children should be proud of their efforts and hard work! They have learned that when they work hard, they can achieve their goals and receive these kinds of benefits.
The scholarship had its own criteria and if it were needs-based, it would have been mentioned. This happens in universities all the time also. Many scholarships are based on merit and some bursaries are based on financial need.
Your SIL and her husband should be proud of the children and that they earned this!
The money you have saved can be placed towards college/trade school funds for your kids. If you wish you can even help donate some portion for others in financial need or save for your own retirement.
Scholarships based on merit reflect well on your children’s hard work while they were in public school.
The school is probably excited and happy about the talents your children will bring to the school. Most likely, they consider your children an asset to the school.” Mandaloriana_2022
5. AITJ For Not Wanting My Father To Meet My Child?
“I (f24) don’t have a good relationship with my father.
When I was 15 my parents decided to send me to residential child care. I lived there for about 2 years and was sent back home, but neither of my parents wanted me to live with them.
I went to a counselor and was told to talk to my father again since it was illegal to be homeless as a minor in my home country and one of them HAD to let me live with them. I asked my father and he said that it was my stepmother who didn’t want me to live there, but he didn’t have a problem with it, so if she forgave me and I promised to live up to certain standards they would let me move back in.
I managed to live up to those standards for a little more than half a year but then I got into a toxic, abusive relationship and had so much stress at my work training that I had a mental relapse. I tried to hide it and got wasted every night since I had severe insomnia and could only sleep when I was wasted, but somehow my father found out I was struggling and showed me the cold shoulder since then.
Even though we lived in the same house he barely talked to me and when he did it was about chores I had to do and his voice and facial expression were ice cold. I moved out a while later and haven’t been in contact with him since.
That was when I was 19 (so 5 years ago).
I am pregnant and my sibling told my father about it. He contacted me saying that he wanted to be a part of his grandchild’s life and asked me whether he and his wife could meet my baby regularly after it was born.
I told him that because he didn’t want to be a part of MY life it felt weird to me that he wanted to be there for my child, especially since he doesn’t know the baby daddy at all and my current social circle or me very well.
I also said that because of their toxic behavior in the past, I did not like the idea of leaving my child alone with them, because their ignorance traumatized me as a teenager and I didn’t want my child to suffer.
He read my message but didn’t reply.
3 days later my stepmother messaged me on social media saying I was cruel and petty for cutting my father out of his grandchild’s life, that I was an insensitive, spiteful, ungrateful, and immature person and I would be a horrible mother because of my mental illnesses.
She said I should be happy her husband wants to help me with my child, because I wouldn’t be able to raise it anyway and that the person who will traumatize my child is me, not my father.
Her words made me feel incredibly insecure and ungrateful.
My partner got really angry and told me to block them everywhere and forget about it, but I feel like I would cause many people a lot less pain and stress if I just gave in to my father’s wish. Maybe it is time for me to forgive him for how he treated me 5 years ago.
It still feels like he doesn’t care about me at all and wants his grandchild but not his daughter in his life though, which is really hurtful for me.
So AITJ for not wanting my father and stepmom to be alone with my child?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but they are cruel and should be kept far away from your child. I wouldn’t trust them not to try to take advantage of your past to try to take your baby from you, judging by what your stepmother wrote. I don’t know if there are grandparents’ rights where you are but they won’t get them if they never meet your baby.
I’m so sorry that both of your parents and stepmother let you down, they don’t deserve to have you in their lives now. Go no contact and listen to your partner, block them all, and make it quite clear to your siblings that your baby is never going to meet the people who caused you such trauma.
Good luck with everything, you’re going to be a great mum.” WhiskeyRocksNeat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Truth is, if you aren’t friends with the parent(s), then you aren’t friends with the literal baby. If you can’t trust your father to do anything for you, as in looking after you while you’re still a minor in your case, then how can you trust either of them enough to not drop the ball on a little human?
Figuratively and literally.
You DO NOT have to entertain those jerk heads that want to pull the ‘but we’re graaaandpaaarents’ card or put up with the emotional crap your stepmom wants to pull. She didn’t want a teenager around, so how long would he even be allowed to be around a baby with much more frequent needs and is much louder than a teenager who barely spoke to them?
Did she forget how babies are made, how they’re half their parents? How the kid will take after you, a person they barely like?
To be a grandparent, he would’ve had to act like a parent in the first place, and being a parent is a full-time job until they stop needing help AT ALL.
She’s a step-mom and a trashy one at that, she might be that on paperwork but truth is, follow your partner’s advice.
They’ll use your child to hurt you, to guilt trip you, to fight over, and have more excuses to be awful to you over.
They’ll make you feel guilty for issues that aren’t your fault but theirs or from life dealing you a crappy hand.
You’re definitely NTJ, they are, they will be, and you should never allow them to contact you again.” goinhomesoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father and stepmother kicked you out as a young teenager and barely tolerated you after you returned. They haven’t wanted anything to do with you since you moved out.
They are only reinserting themselves into your life because they think you will be a terrible parent. They probably intend to take the kid away if at all possible.” simAlity
4. AITJ For Thinking My Wife Should Pay For My Daughter's Birthday?
“My wife (Maddi) and I have been together for 5 years. I have a daughter, Rachel (14), and son, Mitch (11) from my previous relationship, and a stepdaughter Talia (14). We always have had separate finances and originally had similar paying jobs.
While hers has definitely become better than mine, we have stayed as we are, aside from shared expenses being split more equally.
Around 7 months ago we found out Rachel is sick. I’ve been doing everything I can for her, trying to help her and the best treatment I can afford.
But the issue is I can’t. I’m draining my savings and can barely afford more basic treatment. I can pay for necessities and treatment, but nothing else. Maddi has been financially fine throughout. She’s paying more for the necessities, but she’s constantly buying Talia things, taking her out, and letting her do things that I can’t do for either of my children.
I know we agreed to have separate finances, and it’s not wrong per se. But it’s definitely been causing some conflict, though I’ve tried hard to work it out. I know that it’s my responsibility, but it’s just not working well. I can’t afford extracurriculars or for them to go out with friends or special dinners or anything.
Rachel’s birthday is coming up, and I want to do something nice while we can. I asked Maddi for help if she can cover her birthday because I can’t. But Maddi refused. She is paying for almost all the essentials and doesn’t think she should have to pay for this.
That she knows I can’t pay her back and it’s my responsibility.
I understand all that, but it’s not fair. I’m not asking for my own sake. Rachel and Mitch are already missing out on so much, and I know how horrible Rachel feels. I just want this one good special night for her.
EDIT: Rachel is terminal. This is likely her last birthday which is why I want it to be a real one.
Maddi currently earns 2.5X as much as me (doesn’t have medical expenses obviously) and pays 80% of the necessities.”
Another User Comments:
“I really don’t want to judge.
This is a sad situation, but I’m leaning toward NTJ. I get that your wife is paying 80% of essentials now, but she also makes 2.5x more, so that’s not horribly unreasonable, even without your added medical bills in the picture. Still, she’s shouldering a lot, and you don’t seem to have a great grasp on finances.
But it might be your daughter’s last birthday, and I’d be moving heaven and earth to try to give her a good one in your wife’s shoes. And that’s the reason that’s really behind my judgment in the end.
All that said, I think you can make a great, memorable birthday on a shoestring budget.
I know I’m not supposed to give advice, but a girl’s birthday is at stake, so here you go. You absolutely do not need a lot to throw her a great one. Think about doing things like a city-wide scavenger hunt with a time limit and done in groups, a ‘spa night’ at home with her friends with cheap masks, lotions, and a few bottles of nail polish, or doing something at the local park/beach/etc.
You might want to think about whether you or your friends or neighbors have any talents that lend themselves to a class—an instant art party, a craft party, makeup tutorial party. Ask on social media if you’re unsure—I’m guessing you have friends or acquaintances who’d be honored to help.
The dollar store is your friend when it comes to decor, supplies, or prizes. And look up budget-friendly birthday ideas on the internet—there are lots of ideas out there. Maybe one will be perfect for your daughter.” PetuniaGoBlue
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but let me cushion that by saying understandably.
Of course, you are desperately worried about your child and want to do everything you can for her but you made a financial agreement and have admitted that your wife is already carrying more than her fair share of the financial load ALLOWING you to financially contribute to your daughter’s care.
Is it really fair of you to ask for even more?
The reason she may be spoiling the other children a bit is that often when there is a sick child in the family all the attention tends to go to that child because of course they need extra, however, that doesn’t eliminate the other children’s need for care and attention and focus.
It sounds to me like your wife is trying to balance everything and keep your home and family running while leaving you the time and your own money to deal with your daughter’s health crisis.” Cat-astro-phe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Refusing to pay for your sick step-child’s birthday when you are perfectly capable of doing so is pretty harsh.
Though I think it’s time you and your wife sit down for a more serious conversation, as one part of the family enjoying a much nicer lifestyle than the other is going to start fostering resentment, especially between the kids.” DisgruntledPelican54
Another User Comments:
“Okay I’m going slight YTJ, and that’s only because of the ‘it’s not fair’ line at the end.
You were within your rights to ask your wife, she is within her rights to say no. It sucks, but that’s life.
You and your wife agreed to and established separate finances, with the expectation that you would each handle the things you must pay for.
So how is she being unfair??
To be fair, your wife is supporting you and your children by paying for the house. So you then need to budget the money you were using toward the fun you want to have.
Where is your daughter’s mom??
Extended family?? Charities for children of her illness??
Your wife isn’t the only means of support, only the most convenient for you.” gurlwithdragontat2
3. WIBTJ If I Report My Physical Therapist For A HIPAA Violation?
“Back on Halloween night, I was at my brother and SIL’s house to go trick or treating with my nephew ‘Connor’ and his friend ‘Adam.’ My brother and SIL are super into Crossfit, so when Connor was able to do a 20-inch box jump, I thought I could too.
Turns out I could not. I fell and landed on my elbow. My SIL came out and immediately helped me and I assured her that this was my own ego that got me hurt, and she and Connor were not to blame (she thought he’d goaded me into it).
Later that night, I was in an extreme amount of pain, so my mom took me to the hospital. After a lot of running around, it turns out I have a really bad bone bruise. I’m not supposed to lift any weight with that arm until my physical therapist says otherwise.
I was finally given the green light to start physical therapy last week. The person I’m seeing is a student, but the person supervising her, ‘Anna,’ turned out to be Adam’s mother. Small world! I hadn’t met her on Halloween night because Adam’s dad dropped him off and came back to get him while she stayed home with their younger kids.
We talked about the kids and it was a nice connection to make.
Yesterday, I went back to my brother and SIL’s house for Thanksgiving. While my SIL and I were chatting, she mentioned that Anna told her that we met while I was being treated at PT.
I didn’t say anything at the moment because I knew it would upset my SIL, but it really bothers me that Anna told my SIL I was being treated by her and, by extension, where. My SIL is not listed as someone they can reveal any information to.
I now feel insecure at the thought of going back to that same physical therapy location, and I’m going to get my information transferred to another facility. I just can’t know what else may have been revealed about me, or what else Anna may say to my SIL or anyone else.
I want to file a HIPAA complaint so that this is looked into because I don’t want this to happen to anyone else and I want better training at this place going forward. I don’t want an apology or anything like that because it honestly won’t make any difference to me.
But it might make things awkward for my SIL in the future, and I don’t want it to potentially affect Connor and Adam’s friendship. But this is really bothering me too.
WIBTJ if I filed a HIPAA complaint?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even as to considering relationships—it’s her job to ensure patients’ rights.
She already breached your trust. If she doesn’t want her job to mess with her relationships, she shouldn’t mix them, to begin with.
While this may seem like a minor happening to some, that might not always be the case. This could’ve gone to the wrong person, and it could’ve spiraled. I don’t know how much would happen—it wasn’t ill-willed and didn’t really cause direct harm.
But a check could hopefully help prevent it from happening again. Your sense of safety is important, and you should ask for another if you don’t feel safe.” melancholy_noodles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you have a choice to make.
You know what the consequences will likely be.
So, what’s more important to you? Making the complaint or your familial relationships?
This may be a case where the correct choice and the right choice are two different things. Life isn’t black and white. Maybe, after thinking, you decide the right choice and the correct choice are the same things.
Only you can decide what the right choice is. Because it’s subjective.
And, knowing what the consequences may be, if you decide to make that report, remember that you were aware of the potential/probable familial consequences of making that choice.” mazzy31
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There’s a bigger concern here that is a huge issue. This could have been a different family. An estranged family. A family where the patient didn’t want the other person to have any knowledge of them whatsoever. Next time the PT could accidentally let slip to an abuser that someone is a patient because ‘they’re family, it’s no big deal she mentioned it’.
It’s a problem no matter what, and at the very least I think you absolutely should say something to the PT or office and get this conversation started. HIPAA exists for very good reasons and it doesn’t get to be ignored just because the person isn’t thought to be dangerous by the provider.” MoodFit6755
2. AITJ For Telling My Brother And His Wife To Not Go On A Vacation?
“I (f18) have a brother (m27). He has two kids, a 2-year-old and a 5-month-old.
He, his wife (f25), and his kids are going on a fancy overseas vacation next week. It was a bit of a spontaneous trip.
Their flight is going to be around 20 hours.
Yesterday at our Thanksgiving dinner, my brother and his wife kept complaining about how terrible the flight is going to be with both of the kids.
They kept going on and on, making jokes about getting wasted on the flight or taping the kids’ mouths shut.
I got kind of sick of hearing about it and every conversation topic circled back to the vacation flight one way or another. It was a bit petty, I jokingly told them if they hate flying with their kids so much they don’t have to go on vacation.
My brother really didn’t like that and accused me of saying that parents don’t deserve vacations. He said I don’t get it and that I’ll understand when I have kids and told me I’m being disrespectful.
His wife started chiming in and accused me of mom shaming, and said that if I don’t want to hear them complain I should babysit the kids for free, and said that while I’m at it I should do housework for them.
I told them they were being weird and that I was just pointing out that going on vacation isn’t a necessity if they really dread flying with their kids so much, considering how much they’ve been complaining about it. My brother’s wife called me a judgemental, heartless idiot, and said that I have an IQ of -30.
I just calmly said ‘that’s not very nice’ and she went silent for a few minutes. We talked about other stuff for the rest of the dinner, but my brother and his wife were very off around me.
I seriously don’t see the big deal in what I said, I don’t think I said anything unkind.
But I’m wondering if I’m being a jerk and just can’t see it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Why do I feel like their over complaining about it was a way to find someone to offer to take the kids? For ages 0-2 years old, you don’t need to buy a plane ticket for them as they can be lap sitters.
The way your SIL jumped right into saying you should be babysitting them for free, shows me she feels entitled to childcare from family but also FREE CHILD CARE!
WHY would parents of a 2-year-old and a 5-month-old take them on a 20-hour flight? There are no closer vacation spots?
They are just mad that you called them out, and NO ONE OFFERED.
Tell them to clean their own house and take care of their own kids.” McflyThrowaway01
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your brother and his wife are a bit crazy to take 2 kids so young on a 20 hours flight.
The flight will be the nightmare they imagined and more.
Out of all the vacation destinations, they had to choose one so far away, and kids so young won’t even enjoy the effort.
Anyway, you spoke your mind, and they got offended, but don’t worry, during the 20 hours of flight they will come back to your words many many times.” esk_7140
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They wanted someone to volunteer to keep the kids. When you called them out on their crappy behavior they lashed out.
Your SIL may feel overwhelmed being a new mom of two. Your brother may not be the best husband/father.
Her comment about keeping the kids and doing housework sounds like a cry for help.
Do not volunteer to keep the kids while they go on vacation.
If you feel like reaching out to her you could phrase it like concern. Ask if you could spend time with the children while she takes a break, walks, shops, showers, goes to the salon, etc. If you’re not comfortable babysitting alone you could get your mom on board and work out a plan to keep the kids occasionally.” Mean_Knee9426
1. AITJ For Asking The Parents Of Those Who Vandalized The Park To Pay Up?
“I live in the UK in a private estate.
That means that the shared spaces within the estate are maintained and paid for by the people who live there, by means of an annual charge, instead of the council.
At the most recent annual general meeting, it was suggested that the annual payment needed to go up by £150 per property to pay for repairs to the small park within the estate.
This is because a group of children (I would guess between the ages of 5 and 9) who frequently use it have deliberately been vandalizing it over the past year or so, pulling trees and plants apart, digging up the decorative woodwork, and bashing it against the fencing, also damaging that, etc. My house overlooks the park so I see this happening frequently and recognize all of the children responsible.
I put my hand up and suggested the parents of those responsible for vandalizing the park should split the cost between them as it’s not fair for everyone to have to pay for deliberate vandalism. A few of the parents were in attendance at the annual general meeting and unsurprisingly opposed this idea and said that there was no way to know who had done it, the management company also initially supported this view as they were of the understanding no one knew who had done the damage and when.
I then advised that I had been witnessing the vandalism myself over the course of the past 18 months, and not only that but I also had photos and videos I had taken of the vandalism being done and also the property numbers of where the children lived. I had gathered this evidence in anticipation of one day being expected to foot the bill myself.
The management company has now asked me to submit to them all the evidence I have for review and the plan to discuss with the parents of the children involved (not all of them were at the annual general meeting). Afterward, the parents who were in attendance came up and had a go at me.
The main things they said were that it was illegal for me to have taken photos of their children (I don’t believe this is correct, they were in a public space), and also that if I saw them doing the vandalism I should have stopped them or said something.
I don’t like confrontation, even with children who I am generally uncomfortable around, so told the parents it was their job to know what their children were up to and discipline them, not mine, and I hadn’t done anything wrong by taking evidence of the vandalism in case it was ever needed. They called me a jerk and walked off.
Was I the jerk here? Was it wrong of me to gather the evidence? Should I have just confronted the children instead? Confronted the parents? I feel like I dealt with the situation the way I was the most comfortable doing and to protect myself and other residents from having to pay for other children’s vandalism, but my experience at the annual general meeting now has me doubting that.
Edit – I know I should have reported or done anything about it before the annual general meeting. I have a form of autism and struggle daily with how to deal with issues like this and I didn’t do anything because I wanted to avoid the situation, but I gathered the evidence for financial purposes.
I know that was probably wrong of me but I honestly just hoped someone else would do/say something so I wouldn’t have to, I know that’s cowardly.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They got called out and don’t like it. They needed to properly supervise the children, as it became apparent their kids weren’t responsible enough to handle too much independence.
It is not your job to parent their kids.
In the future, however, the photo issue gets touchy, so maybe bring up installing a surveillance camera on the playground managed by the property. It actually could come in handy if there’s ever an incident, and parents would now know their kids are being recorded.” whichwitch9
Another User Comments:
“Soft jerk for letting it go on for 18 months without confrontation. If the plan fails and the parents don’t step up you cost yourself and everyone else money by continuing to let the vandalism happen. You should have turned the evidence in to the management company the first time you collected it and had them confront the parents if you didn’t want to.
You aren’t wrong for collecting evidence. Probably good that you didn’t confront the kids. Not wrong for suggesting parents pay. But you were in the wrong for not at least reporting it to the management company sooner.” Maleficent_Ad_7617
Another User Comments:
“You should have done something far sooner than this.
Why not submit your videos to the council after the first instance of major property damage? That would have allowed them to deal with things before they escalated further.
Submitting now allows the parents to argue they didn’t know, they didn’t have a chance to rectify things before the damage was severe, etc. And once their argument about generally taking photos in public spaces doesn’t hold water they are going to attack why you held on to the evidence for 18 months.
If you’ve known what was happening this long, yet did nothing to change the situation, then the issue to you wasn’t the damage – it was being asked to contribute more money. Why should these parents pay to fix something that nobody cared was broken?
A faulty argument, but one that can be used. After all, if the neighbors affected most could have stopped the vandalism at any time for a year and a half but were okay with it continuing, why should anyone pay for it to stop now?
NTJ for your actual question, but I think waiting this long, and allowing multiple cases of damage to occur when you could have stopped it by submitting things earlier, has dug yourself a bit of a hole.” EmpressJainaSolo
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