People Share Their Lousy Roommate Experiences
16. The Roommate Whose Partner Won't Pay Rent
“Forgive me if this is hard to understand, I’ll try to make it as clear as possible.
In September, I moved into a 4 bed, 1 bath basement suite with my partner and two close friends (we’ll call the boy B and the girl G). We are all in our early twenties. I lived with G for two years prior to this in a 6 bed, 4 bath house with a lot of other students, and for almost one of those years, her partner would stay there.
He started paying an even share of utilities once all of the roommates got together to discuss it but never rent because it was her room and the house was so big that it didn’t affect the way of living too much. But when G and I were looking at new places, I had a talk with her and explained that I would not be interested in moving out with her if it meant he would be staying there (he is messy and is not interested in paying rent because he still technically lives with his parents).
She agreed and explained that this would be better anyway because she would be able to spend more time at his parents’ house to see him (they love when she’s over there) and that it’ll give her the opportunity to have alone time here and there. She also promised me she would be a cleaner roommate than she had been in the past.
So here’s how we broke it down: G has one room, B has one room, and my partner and I are paying for two rooms (one is the bedroom, one is my office).
We did this because having a fifth roommate to pay for the fourth room (if my partner and I shared one room) would be too many people for such a small space, especially with only one bathroom.
The first day, we got our keys. Four and a spare. G’s partner took the spare without telling anyone and then later mentioned it like it was no big deal.
A few weeks went by as we all unpacked and started the semester off school. He had been there every single day, every single night. At that point, he had been there more than any of the rest of us. We had a roommate meeting (which he came to) and we had a discussion, asking if he would be paying rent. He told us that it is not fair for him to pay because I have two rooms.
I said, “I pay for that room.” Then he said, “Well, I’m just in G’s room all the time, so it’s not right for me to have to pay.” He isn’t even in her room all the time. We weren’t even asking for an equal fifth of the rent. “I’ll happily help with utilities and like. I’ll pitch in for cleaning supplies, but I don’t even have my own space.” He was keeping stuff around our place.
They both leave dishes and messes for me to clean up. (I have OCD and it’s exhausting to keep asking them to clean up after themselves, so I end up just doing it.) G told us, “He’s only here because we’ve been moving in. We should talk about this again in like a month.”
It’s been over three months since then. Things have been crazy for all of us, but every time the boys or myself try to bring it up again, it’s kind of pushed off even further.
He has been here every single night she has been, this entire time. He walks around in his underwear, he cooks and leaves messes everywhere, takes up fridge and cupboard space, showers… I mean, he LIVES here. There’s literally no denying it. He does pay utilities, but it’s such a small space, and it does make a huge difference when one person is or is not here.
I am paying way more than what I need to be because we all agreed prior to all of this that five roommates would be too much.
Now here I am, living with a fifth roommate who lives here rent-free. I feel stupid.
I’m sure I forgot some details, but I guess I have a few questions:
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He SHOULD be paying, right?
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How much should he be paying? We pay $800 per room, by the way.
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What if he refuses? Do I have to kick him out? We are all friends and I love G to death and don’t want to ruin our friendship.
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HOW THE HECK DO I ASK HIM TO PAY?! I feel like it’s so much more painful now that so much time has passed and he’s been living here for four months.”
Another User Comments:
“Your friendship with G is already ruined.
They clearly have no respect for you, your boundaries, or anyone else in the home. At this point, you have to stop asking and start telling because people like this know exactly what they’re doing. G’s partner owes back-rent and then you need to limit how often he is allowed to be in the apartment (he can only stay over 2 nights a week or something). Gather all his sh*t that is around the apartment and put it in a bag. Tell him he can leave it in G’s room or he can take it home, but if he does neither, it goes in the trash.” blaine1028
15. He Showed His True Colors Almost Immediately
“I’m renting a room in the roommate’s condo. I moved in last Monday.
The red flags started waving almost immediately. He didn’t have my room ready when my coworker and I arrived with the U-Haul. He literally started taking the bed out of the room when we showed up with boxes. We’re lugging the entire contents of my last apartment up and down four flights of narrow stairs, and he’s just…
disassembling the bed frame ever so slowly.
Roommate tells me there’s no hurry and that life is too beautiful to get hung up on cleaning and organization, blah, blah, blah. He asks that I don’t use “chemicals” if I feel the need to clean.
He’s the messy sort. Apparently, he has a lot of “great memories” attached to the glass bottles taking up every inch of counter space in the kitchen.
He took great exception to me removing old containers of unused paprika that expired in 2014. I say unused because when I moved them, there were outlines in the dust.
He tells me to put my kitchen stuff under my bed, he has everything already. I told him no and that I wasn’t going to put everything in my room. He wasn’t happy about that. So I go back to the apartment, and he just f*cking blows up my phone with walls of text about how I’m so uptight and so on.
He rambles about what kind of water I should drink.
I’m thinking sh*t, what did I get myself into?
So I start keeping my distance over the next few days, especially when he decided to block a door in my room with my desk, so I’d have to exit through the other door, which just so happens to open into the bathroom. He told me that I should feel free to walk through even if he’s in the shower.
Eventually, he starts texting me at work, talking about how he’s working so hard to make me comfortable, but he doesn’t understand why I’m not throwing myself at his feet with gratitude.
He has “headaches,” but he’s still working to make me comfortable. Okay then.
I should add that there are two closets in my room. Both filled with hundreds of shirts, several backpacks, and more. I literally have no space to put away my things in the room I’m paying rent for. So I asked him that I’d like to use one of the closets for my clothes.
He seemed inconvenienced by this and asked “exactly how much closet space” do I actually need. He ended up removing 20~30 shirts from the f*cking walk-in closet, bestowing an 1/8th of the total space upon me.
So, for the past few days, he reminded me through text how hard he worked to make me comfortable. Over and over, while mentioning his headaches. Really laying on the guilt thick, you know? I’m just gritting my teeth at work, popping ibuprofen for my back pain from the Monday move, and hiding in my room when I’m home.
Last night, he opened my door and asked if I wanted a haircut from him.
I politely declined.
This morning, I was in a hurry to leave for work. I saw that the bathroom was occupied. By this point, I was resenting the hell out of him and his control issues. I didn’t want to see him naked, so I moved my desk and boxes away from the other door. He heard and opened the bathroom door. I left anyway.
Thus, World War 3 began.
He was so hurt and upset by the “unnecessary drama” I created by moving the desk, so I could use the other door. Texts after texts, reminding me of the hard work he did for me, and how uptight and weird and stuck in the past I am, all because I didn’t want to see him naked.
So yeah. I’m moving out the first chance I get.”
Another User Comments:
“I am dealing with the same level of psycho and the same tricks! Also renting a room from the lady’s place.
I can relate to EVERYTHING you’ve mentioned. Just go and read my recent post on here. She is such a control freak. She also hoards and tries to put stuff in my room and comes into my room uninvited. The best thing you could do for yourself is a month to month lease because that puts a majority of the power/control in your hands.
He acted unbothered when you moved in because he’s used to people moving out.
The bad thing about month to month leases is that the landlords typically do this when they have difficultly retaining tenants, usually due to issues with their own way of approaching the rental situation. Instead of taking accountability, they choose to cover their own a** by keeping things off the books. Ironically, this also protects the renter from their demented ways without them even realizing it.
Thankfully, you recognized the red flags right away and don’t have to spend another month there. Although, he also made it pretty easy for you, lol.
If you really want to get him to leave you alone, ignore him at ALLLLLL costs. He will do the most annoying attention-seeking things to get a reaction. Ignore him. It will infuriate him while empowering you! Wishing you a safe and speedy move-out process, bud.” DippedinBronze
14. Life With A Narcissist Roommate
“Part 1:
Context: I’ve been living with this creature for 1 year and 10 months now and it started out great, but as time went on, her behavior got less and less acceptable (but slow enough that it took me this long to realize). I have strong suspicions she has a narcissistic personality disorder, in any case, she fits all the criteria.
A few months ago, we had an argument about my sheet music on my piano in the shared living room.
She was in a “good mood” and had cleaned everything (when she is in such a mood, she gets down to ridiculous near-OCD levels of perfection). But! There was a mess left behind, caused by me, and so it was my responsibility to clean it up! A pile of sheet music defied her perfect harmony. I flat out refused as the pile was really just a normal pile of paper, and removing it would mean I’d have to search for my music sheets every time I wanted to play.
She did turn a bit sour towards me for a couple of weeks but then resolved the situation by buying carton folders (and charged me for it!) to put the sheet music in. This is in itself a very small incident but comes into play next.
At the beginning of this month, the last straw finally broke the camel’s back. She had slipped back into a depressive state and would not do any of her tasks or even follow basic hygiene standards.
I got very angry at her after which she moved out for five days. During this period, I discovered that half her stuff in the fridge had gone moldy and that she has accumulated a huge pile of dirty dishes on the shelf next to her bedroom where mold was already starting to grow. There were many other disgusting things that I will not divulge in at this time.
Then she came back and a huge argument started.
I recorded it:
[A disorderly pile of papers on the piano is]
“… at the same level as mold in the fridge. Honestly. I think it’s very disgusting -“
-“So you think a pile of papers on the piano is equally dirty as mold in the fridge?”
-“I think it’s equally infuriating as mold in the fridge. I don’t find it nice. It will have to change, right, yes.”
-“So the mold on the di- (incredulous brain overload) – on the dishes you let go moldy in your bedroom and then put in the dishwasher…”
-“In my room?!”
-“…
you think it’s equally… (stares in disbelief)”
-“But that’s not bad! It’s getting cleaned up! It’s really not that bad! It just releases and then it’s clean, and yes, then it’s gone! Nothing will happen to it! What do you think will happen to it? There are no nutrients, like, I studied biochemistry! There are no nutrients on a clean plate for mold to grow on. It’s just clean! It’s another opinion we have! It’s not that me or you are wrong, it’s just both not very OK, I think both…
For me, it’s more frustrating that there is a super disorganised pile of papers always, and if there’s mold in the fridge (minimising tone), then there’s mold in the fridge, that’s true. But that was the only time! And that was because… (inaudible)”
[blames it on her poor mental health]
I think this conversation is very typical for a narcissist and that’s why I’m sharing it for awareness.
This is a typical “word salad.” The tone of voice is very self-assured and convincing, and if you’re not paying attention, you might think she’s actually making a good point. You can offer counter-points, but she will just talk over you and have a reply for everything. The goal is to confuse you to make you agree.
After the recording ended, she was using her poor mental health as an excuse.
First of all, this is not OK: mental health can never be used as an excuse for bad behavior! She would also continue to suggest I was at least partially to blame for her poor mental health. Because of the mess I make, she had “given up” on following even the most rudimentary hygienic standards. This is also very much unacceptable. You should not ever be held responsible for somebody else’s mental health (at least not in roommate situations).
This is called blame shifting. She made me feel guilty for making her feel bad.
Obviously, she thinks of herself as much more important in the house than me. She refuses to accept even the slightest mess from me (like a pile of papers) but has no problem letting half the fridge go moldy.
Fortunately, the landlord does not share her views and “opinions” about mold in his kitchen equipment!
I have also smashed the stupid carton folder.
She will move out soon, but unfortunately, I have more stories, hence part 1.” colouredmirrorball
Part 2:
“This story is from the previous weekend.
Since the beginning of this month, I have realized my roommate is scoring high on all narcissistic personality disorder checklists. Her abuse has gotten out of control, and she was turning the house into a depressed hoarder’s nest, as I was too tired and beaten down to continue fighting for my place. We paid an equal amount of rent. I got my bedroom, the shared bathroom, and the shared kitchen.
For the same price, she got her bedroom, the shared bathroom, the shared kitchen, a personal office space/gym (formerly living room), garden/smoking lounge/open-air ashtray, and somebody who cleaned up most of her mess in the shared areas.
Of course, this situation wasn’t really holdable, even for a pushover like me. We had a huge fallout with several heated arguments. She took no responsibility for all the moldy dishes all over the house, the moldy stuff in the fridge, cigarette butts all over the garden, spilled paint everywhere, piles of junk everywhere, etc., etc.
Instead, she blamed it all on me, as of course, it was all my fault she felt so depressed and her mess was a natural reaction to my behavior! For the first time, I was able to clearly recognize the typical narcissistic patterns she used in her communication (in this case, blame-shifting).
I worked up my courage and asked her to move out, which she initially refused, until she informed me that she had decided to move out “due to my difficult personality.” I temporarily moved back in with my parents to get out of the situation and to give her time to move.
Last weekend, she wasn’t there, so I wanted to clean the house in order to be able to invite new potential roommates over.
I spent the whole weekend deep-cleaning the house. However, I made the mistake of informing the narc that I was doing thusly, and she suddenly arrived Sunday evening being all mad at me for daring to clean up. I had lost most of my patience for her, so I ignored her unpleasantness. She retreated to her room, but every now and then, she came downstairs to shout at me that I had to be quiet.
I was mopping all the floors downstairs and had some esports finale on Twitch playing. It wasn’t excessively loud but audible throughout the house. It was 8:30 pm at that time, way before the cutoff time for night noise (which is 10pm here). Normally, I would have gotten my headphones, but I really didn’t feel like indulging somebody who shouts orders and expects them to be followed.
Somebody who turns her laptop volume all the way up when I try to play the piano (and can’t be bothered with headphones when I propose this as a solution). Somebody who does not feel anything but contempt for me. Somebody who can’t even be bothered to help out. Somebody who doesn’t feel any shame whatsoever in the way she lives and made me live. So f*ck her, the sound stays on.
I finish at about 10 pm and watch the rest of the finale in my bedroom.
She again shouts at me to be quiet. I shout back that she has no right to come into my house for no other reason than to be angry and shout at me and if she doesn’t like it she can leave. She has no shame.
Twenty minutes later, the doorbell rings. Three police officers were standing in the doorway, informing me they were investigating a noise complaint! I was incredulous, but honestly, not very surprised.
I even felt a slight sense of amusement that she had dared to take this step. The officers asked me some questions. The poor guys were probably looking for a juicy lockdown party bust, but instead, they had to deal with her nastiness. I invited the officers inside, at which point, she came running downstairs in tears. Two officers listened to her story outside, and a third officer took my story in the living room.
I have no clue what she told the other two officers, but she took them upstairs to her bedroom (Twitch was still playing in my bedroom). Super weird that she did not feel ashamed to show people the state of her bedroom.
The officer who took my story reassured me that there was obviously no noise disturbance and thus their visit would not have any consequences. The conflict between me and the narc was not their business.
I gave him my recently-gained insights into our situation and he seemed understanding. I hope the two other officers saw straight through her. They made sure the conflict could not escalate, but as I planned on leaving for my parents again the next day, there was little risk.
As they were leaving, I took my coat and went for a walk. I saw the narc leaving with her dog and went the opposite direction.
When I came back, she was nowhere to be found.
It shows that she has realized that shouting and being rude no longer have any effect on me, so she resorted to domestic terrorism. It shows how petty these people are and how they’re completely unable to see any flaw in their own behaviour. F*ck her, she’s out. And I don’t owe her any more favors.”
13. Fine, Take The Side Of The Roommate Who Refuses To Take Sick Dog To The Vet
“This takes place in a 4 person apartment with 4 women. I will call them A, D, and M.
A moves in and decides she wants a bunny because I have a dog and D has a cat. So A and D go to the pet store and they don’t have bunnies. So they come home and announce they are going to the pound to get a dog.
I get a call from them saying they found the dog, and she wants me to bring my dog and the cat to the pound to see if they get along.
At this point, I’m annoyed because I think she is making an impulsive decision with an animal’s life, but I’m not her friend or parent, so I bring the animals to the pound to make sure we don’t have some huge fighting issue once she adopts the dog.
I immediately notice the dog is limping and the dog has diarrhea.
I tell her what I notice and she asks the pound vet to take a look. The dog has an injured knee and the vet says they won’t pay to fix it. So the girl calls her parents, they say, “No, what the hell are you thinking? You can’t afford a dog, let alone, a sick dog. We won’t help you pay for anything.”
So the girl, full well knowing she can’t afford the dog and her parents don’t support the idea nor will they help pay for the dog, decided to adopt the dog.
She literally only had enough money in her bank account to pay for the dog and its supplies.
She could not afford to take it to the vet even though she signed a contract when she adopted the dog that she would bring it to a vet within 3 days of adoption.
The poor dog was so sick.
The second she brought the dog home, it began to have uncontrollable diarrhea all over the apartment. Constant, putrid-smelling, liquid explosions. The girl also had a busy schedule, so she would leave in the morning and lock the dog up in a kennel for hours, so it would sit in a pool of diarrhea until she came home at night.
Also during this time, I was lucky enough to catch the flu, so I was at home vomiting with a fever hearing the dog cry from inside her locked room for days. Even though I told her I could take the dog out for her, she kept turning me down.
She had no money to go to the vet and just kept feeding the dog extra kibble because “it was sooooooo hungry.” So it would just have more explosive diarrhea every time it ate.
Not only was the extent of the diarrhea overwhelming, she wasn’t cleaning it up in a sanitary way.
She was using MY DISH AND HAND TOWELS TO SOP UP THE LIQUID MESS AND THEN SPRAYING FERBREZE TO “SANITIZE” it. And then she would put the feces rags that I paid for into our kitchen sink and proceed to f*cking cook dinner “for the roommates” and complain when I didn’t want to eat because I was “rude” to turn down her offer.
I was the only person in the apartment that thought this was not fair to the dog and she needed to get the dog help.
Additionally, not only was I concerned for my health, I was concerned that this dog had some type of infectious disease that my dog could also contract.
This dog could have parasites or f*cking PARVO! After two weeks of this literal s*it storm, the dog had lost weight and now was passing straight blood stools. Literally just blood.
After hinting at, “Hey, when is your vet appointment,” for two weeks, I was about to break. She was washing my poop-filled hand towels with the dog’s diarrhea covered bed and I asked if she could put a cap full of bleach in the wash.
She said no; she didn’t want the new bed she bought to get bleach stains. I told her, “Then you need to buy me new hand towels.”
She told me that I was controlling. And then I lost my mind.
I told her that either she needed to bring the dog to the vet today or I was bringing the dog back to the pound. I told her I would pay for it.
I didn’t give a sh*t, but if you don’t do anything, your dog is going to die.
She called me a f*cking b*tch and then her and D took the dog to the vet. Those f*cks came home after the vet and that stupid b*tch A looks me in the eye and said, “Not that you care, but the dog just needed antibiotics. it wasn’t that big of a deal.”
This dog needed 2 months of antibiotics and 4 weeks of anti-diarrhea meds and a special diet for 4 months.
NOT TO MENTION THE PERMANENTLY DISLOCATED KNEE CAP THAT SHE COULD NOT AFFORD TO FIX!
And because I was the one who forced them to take care of the animal, I was the bad guy. D tore into me the next day because I was a “know it all b*tch who thinks she is better than everyone else,” so the next months were filled with A and D loudly talking about me and long awkward silences when I walked into the room with them casting glances at each other and laughing.
M who was my friend before we moved in said specifically she didn’t want to take sides.
That really p*ssed me off because I couldn’t understand how she could keep quiet when they would be talking about me in the house. I told her that, and she responded, “What they are doing isn’t right. But you brought it on yourself. I know you aren’t from here, but when a southern woman has a problem with someone, they keep their mouth shut. If you hadn’t said anything, they wouldn’t have anything to say about you.”
So I asked her straight, “So you are not going to say anything if they are talking sh*t about me in front of you.”
She said, “No, I told you I don’t want to take sides.”
I dropped that relationship there and then.
That was that. I moved out 3 painful months later. And found out that all three of them decided to keep living together and the dog died that summer. But don’t worry, they got another one for free.”
12. The Emotionally Abusive Roommate That Only I Can See
“I moved into my current house in March with a roommate, Aubrey. I didn’t know Aubrey terribly well before moving in, but it went really well since. There’s been highs and lows, of course, but I would genuinely consider her one of my closest friends and generally an excellent person to live with. I really cherish her which is one reason why this more recent experience has been so difficult for me.
One of Aubrey’s friends, Trisha, got kicked out of her last apartment. I had only met Trisha briefly pre-COVID and didn’t have an opportunity to get to know her further. However, I have experienced homelessness personally and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Plus, I trusted Aubrey’s judge of character and I knew the two of them had been friends for a long time, so I agreed.
Trisha moved in a few months ago and there’s been conflict since like day 2.
I have tried to handle the ongoing conflict with grace, especially because – at first – I knew I could use a better tone, word choice, and demeanor with Trisha. However, as time has progressed, I sincerely believe that I’ve worked on that and improved. I can’t say the same for Trisha. It’s kinda gotten to the point where I wouldn’t even classify it as conflict anymore.
I think she’s just like… abusive?
I’ve been in two abusive romantic relationships previously, both of which I’m unbelievably proud of myself for getting out of. But I found myself googling signs of mental abuse today when getting anxious about Trisha coming home from work. I’ve always lived by the saying that if you think it’s a problem, it’s probably a problem. And if you’re researching if it’s a problem, it’s definitely a problem.
But yeah, Trisha regularly yells at me, invalidates me, dismisses me a lot by rolling her eyes or sighing, trivializes my feelings, has intense and unpredictable mood swings, drinks excessively, I think she might even be gaslighting me?? I don’t know.
The list goes on. The worst part about it for me though (besides that this is even happening) is that after she’s done verbally berating me and calling me nasty names; she’ll drop those love bombs. Like, verbatim, “You’re such a b*tch.” [15 minutes later…] “We need more selfies together.” The content of what she says to me usually doesn’t make sense. One time, she got p*ssed at me because my “depression is bothering her.” Like????? Cool.
Let me just turn my mental illness off. What.
Aubrey doesn’t perceive the way Trisha treats me as anything other than roommate conflict. I would say Aubrey is physically present maybe 60% of the time when Trisha and I interact. However, upon talking to some friends familiar with the three of us, I feel affirmed and validated in that I’m not the only one who thinks Trisha is completely unhinged.
Unless Aubrey drastically changes her outlook on the situation and steps into my corner, I need to get out.
My lease doesn’t end anytime soon though. This is really heartbreaking for me. I love this house, I love my neighborhood, I love the animals who live here, I love everything about this place like… it’s my home! I feel as though I’m being forced out, but my mental health needs to come first. End of story.
I’m going to try to talk to Aubrey again soon, but I don’t want to talk to Aubrey when Trisha is around because I’m scared.
This is f*cking chaotic and unacceptable. Either way, I need a rough plan.
What I think I should do
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Talk to my landlord? My landlord f*cking sucks, but I think he’d put in a good word for me elsewhere.
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Get a subletter? I honestly don’t even wanna subject some poor bastard to living with this awful person.
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Find a new place? But I’m worried I won’t be approved anywhere because I broke my last lease due to the small size.
Maybe I should aim for a month-to-month set-up?
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Store my furniture somewhere until I am able to move it all at once (Trisha has bragged about how she p*ssed in her ex-roommates’ personal belongings so… yeah.)
God, this is such a f*cking stressful situation. I hate feeling anxious in my own home all the time. I hate that I’ve let this person take my home away from me, in this sense. I hate that I’m uncomfortable all the time. I hate that Aubrey doesn’t have my back. I hate that I, even as I type this all out, I’m still questioning if I somehow deserve this treatment from Trisha. I hate that I feel like I have to leave.”
11. She Had A Psychotic Break
“I swear, if I encapsulated everything that has happened with my roommate, this would be a novel. But here’s the story so far: I have three roommates, for ease of story let’s establish that they’re myself (30sF), N (30sM), J (30sF), and H (60sF), and we all rent out from a landlord. Straight up H has always been strange, and has had a couple of health issues and emergencies but has otherwise been okay.
Then in August, she started having really bad “episodes” where she would be confused, moaning, wandering the house naked, etc. She’s been in and out of the hospital several times, and her main point person has been her daughter A (20s or 30s), who generally okay with being in communication with us.
For the sake of expediency, here is a short list of some important details leading up to this past weekend:
1) She is bipolar and probably schizophrenic (she’s told me she is) and had to change her medications recently, which is what she and her daughter have been blaming her behavior on- and that she also drinks while on these medications.
2) I have had a number of difficult conversations with her where I have expressed my concerns about her, and in each conversation, she has said that she’s perfectly fine now and then gets hospitalized again within a week or two.
3) Just after Thanksgiving, I heard a scream and a crash, and I found her in her room naked, face down, and struggling to breathe.
Had I not been there, she likely would have died. Since that hospitalization (which was the fourth or fifth since August. Honestly, they all start to blend together), she hasn’t seemed to recover since. She was hospitalized again for some type of manic break and then was released again because “they said I was too sane.”
4) Besides having a number of welfare checks and EMT visits, I also brought up the situation with our landlord as an issue of liability (when she’s in these episodes, she loves to try to cook and turns on all the cooking appliances in her confusion, amongst other activities that bring some damage risk), and I have also made a report with APS.
This weekend, she really went off her rocker, and it was unreasonably difficult to get her help.
As I said, she has been in and out of the hospital and has still been not okay for a while, so she just nosedived from there. She was starting to talk more nonsensically and to herself more often, and then Saturday/Sunday night at 2:30, she is in the kitchen banging away at pots and pans and talking to herself in a stream of consciousness blur.
I contact her daughter A, and she says a mutual friend will come over to try to take her to the hospital. This family friend fails in her task, and in getting to overhear their conversation in the kitchen, she tells this friend a ton of lies, including lies about me and how I’m doing all these things against her. Then A calls for a welfare check and the cops come by, talk to her a little, then leave.
It gets worse, we call again, the police come again, talk to her a little, then leave again.
Then Sunday/Monday night, 3:30 am, she’s banging away in the kitchen again, manically cleaning and talking to herself. We’re all sleep-deprived at pushed at this point, and we all go out at different points to try to get her to go back in her room and let us sleep, but she just keeps talking to herself and making noise.
J told her she was f*cking crazy, and she just said, “I’m f*cking crazy…” I contact her daughter several more times, and J calls A, and purportedly A cries to her and says, “I don’t know what to do” and just tells us to keep calling 911. So we call 911 again, and this time, four cops come over, which is four more cops then I ever want in my house, but they don’t take her because she “doesn’t fit the criteria,” though they do tell me that she shouldn’t be living here and that her daughter should get a conservatorship.
They leave, and I text A what they told me, but she never responds. I email our landlord and tell him what’s happening, and J calls him.
H continues to decline, and she continues to keep the house awake. She wanders the hallways, talking to herself loudly and performing all sorts of compulsive actions, telling the person in her head all the horrible things I do to annoy her (like keeping my own toiletries in my own bathroom), and, as I found out later, trying to open the door to J’s room (we have been locking our doors at night in fear of this).
I text her daughter throughout the morning without response. At one point, I call her and her kids are crying in the background, so she asks if she can call me back later. She never does. J leaves for work, and N holes up in his room trying to work. I dedicate myself to trying to contact her daughter or the mental health crisis line, neither of which can be reached.
After f*cking 10, N grabs me from my room and shows me that H is washing a remote control in the sink and that she’s grabbed pretty much everything that isn’t nailed down or in a cabinet, washing it, and throwing it away. She keeps talking stream of consciousness, accuses us of taking photos of her and searching stuff about her on our phones, and tries to put a metal tray in the microwave.
I call 911 again, really stress the whole accusing us of spying on her and the nearly setting the house on fire thing, and two more cops come to the house, which is an additional two more cops than I’d rather have in my home.
Here are some of the highlights from the last set of cops trying to interview H:
1) First of all, the cops asking me to call her daughter several times and getting to hear her send me straight to voicemail every single time.
2) Me telling her that someone was her to see her and her telling me that she can’t figure out how to turn around
3) The cop asking her if she tried to put metal in the microwave, and she said, “J did that at midnight last night and forgot about it.
Isn’t that such a crazy thing to do? She’s a nurse!”
4) Her crazy ranting leading to them deada** thinking she had a dead body in her room for a hot second.
5) Her prattling on about all the things she has in her room, including her waterbed, and then saying, “and on the right hand side of my waterbed, I keep my alcohol there because BewBewsBoutique said she was worried about my drinking, and I said that I wouldn’t drink as much, but she said that I shouldn’t be drinking anyway on my medication, so I keep my alcohol on that side of my bed, so she doesn’t see it.”
6) Her telling the cops how much I drive her crazy as they took her away and how proud I am of myself for not saying, “Same, b*tch” whilst on bodycam
I got in contact with our landlord, who also feels she should not be living here while she’s so unstable and hazardous, and he thinks she should be in a long term placement, but he needs to get in contact with A, who is dodging calls from all of us.
It’s now been three days, so any 5150 hold should be up, and we don’t know if she’s been admitted or if she’s coming back.
We haven’t heard anything from anyone, so no one knows what’s happening. I have tried so many angles to help this woman, and all it’s done has made me the primary target of her paranoia. I don’t know what else to do. My worst-case scenario plan is the three of us all pool together to find a three-bedroom place and all move out, but that just screws over our landlord, who is a good person who lost his job during the pandemic, and having to replace three renters is enough, but he’d have to pay us all back our not-unsubstantial deposits all at the same time.
It does nothing to solve the problem with H and leaves our landlord with a single crazy tenant and sticks three new poor suckers in the middle of that situation. And moving out isn’t really an expense I can bear right now.
Turned into a novel anyway. Oh well, I’m mostly just yelling into the void anyway. There’s so little I can do about H- I’ve tried the landlord, APS, her daughter, the cops.
Someone needs to take responsibility for this woman because she’s a hazard. Her daughter infuriates me the most- she’s known that her mom hasn’t been okay for months, and she’s just stuck her head in the sand and leaves us hanging. I understand if she doesn’t want to be responsible for her crazy mom, but someone has to because she can’t be responsible for herself. I’m done with this b*tch and that b*tch too.”
10. Toxic With A Capital T
“I started dating my partner, Tom, in February. Tom found out in December that his now ex-spouse cheated on him again. They had since separated, and their divorce was finalized a few months later. He says he went on five other dates before me, and this was in response to me telling him to take more time before he got serious with someone else to figure out his sh*t.
He said he’d been ready to move on for a while now and assured me he is in this relationship as much as I am.
After he sold his house, he moved in with his now current roommate and landlord, Samantha. They were both in the military together, and she was the best man at his wedding. She still serves and has a house an hour away from his work, but she wasn’t charging much rent, and he thought that was a good deal.
I helped him move in March. (I’m honestly glad he had somewhere to go where he felt safe and not alone after his separation as that situation is something I’d pick up emotionally and then regret because it would’ve been too much too soon.)
Since the move, I’ve felt so weird being at that house. In the beginning, it wasn’t too much of a problem, but more often than not, I feel like the hired help.
I’m always doing the dishes, cooking, or cleaning. More often than not, it’s either Tom or I that pays for the food. We cook it and then clean it up. Samantha always feels like we have to eat together, and if one of us makes dinner, she’s entitled to it. There’s an example that we always joke about. We had no idea there would be anyone home that evening besides the two of us, and then Samantha comes home and invites a friend over.
I somehow turned two chicken breasts into a meal for four, and she still dared to complain about it. She finds something to complain about every time I cook. The pancakes are too fluffy, the steak is too salty, the tacos are too spicy, etc. Every holiday since I’ve known them, she has contributed NOTHING, and I have done EVERYTHING. She has never said thank you.
Tom is always walking on eggshells around Samantha, making sure she’s okay.
He feels like he has to over-contribute to validate his being there. Tom still feels like he has to go out to the living room and entertain her. Every other hour when I’m in his room, and we’re playing video games or watching a movie, she yells to ask if we’re decent. Then asks if we all want to watch a movie, what we should order for dinner, or if we’re going to hang out.
Now, I am also in the military and live in the barracks an hour away from where they live. This might be selfish, but my weeks are f*cking awful from work and my roommate at the barracks so the fact that I make an effort almost every weekend to come to see him… I don’t want to hang out subserviently and fake a Godd*mn smile while dealing with her microaggressions.
He thinks it’s hard to say no to her or to draw any boundary. He’ll on purpose “act stupid,” so he doesn’t hurt her feelings that he didn’t do something even if she didn’t ask him to do it. For example, she left for the day and said she’d be back in the morning to feed her barn animals. She wasn’t there before we went shopping and I asked if we should feed them.
He thinks he’s standing up for himself when he says things like, “No, she said she was going to be here, and they’re not my problem.” When she calls expecting him to have fed them, he’s like, “Oh no, I totally forgot. I thought you said you were going to be here this morning to feed them.”
Now she’s in a “relationship,” and you’d think it would be better? Nope.
She’s making out with her new man like they’re teenagers in the kitchen or the living room. F*ck, it’s her house. I get it, do what the f*ck you want, but it’s another mouth to feed, and I really don’t understand the reason for PDA. Especially at 33. At least her partner is kind and pleasant. Ever since she got this man, though, Tom has been so passive-aggressive toward her.
Verbally annoyed and making comments at least every hour for her lack of consideration of him or their PDA. They didn’t help with Thanksgiving AT ALL, and I was super p*ssed, but all he could talk about was how they were inside making out in the living room, not the fact that they didn’t lift a finger to cook or clean.
I’m not sure if he’s bothered by their immature relationship, her lack of consideration and inability to think of anyone but herself, or if he’s upset that she’s in a relationship. He keeps trying to convince himself that it doesn’t bother him because it doesn’t directly affect his life. I don’t know what to think about what he’s feeling about his current living situation. He might be the kind of person to keep living with bullsh*t because he doesn’t feel like fixing it, or he’s scared of finding something new.”
9. She Breaks My Stuff With No Remorse
“I know the solution to this problem is to just talk to my roommate, but I am so non-confrontational that every time I’ve tried, I have gotten scared and backed down immediately. This is such a weird problem that I think she must genuinely have no idea she’s being super rude. I don’t how you can break someone’s stuff and do absolutely nothing about it.
Here’s the background history.
Roommate moved in in April. I needed a new roommate as my old one was moving in with her partner. Old roommate and I were really good friends and knew each other before moving in together. So I knew this new girl who was a stranger that I found on a roommate finder site, obviously our relationship would be different. But I did put in the ad that I am very friendly and social and was looking for a roommate who would be down to hang out, and generally be good friends.
This girl is definitely not like my old roommate.
She’s pretty introverted, so she’s in her room a lot. We have a 2 bed, 2 bath, so for the most part, it’s easy to stay out of each other’s way. I would like us to hang out more, but she really just wants to play video games in her room or play DnD over Zoom. Sometimes we’ll watch a movie together. Due to COVID, we can’t really go out and do stuff I might usually use to try and break down her social wall (going out to eat, grabbing a drink at a bar, catching some live music.
We live in a neighborhood with lots of walkable nightlife, so it’s killing me that I can’t take advantage of that this year).
So here’s the meat of the problem. Other than her bedroom furniture, a couch, and a couple of cups and plates, she didn’t really come with much, which is fine; I love to cook and have a fully stocked kitchen. I told her I absolutely don’t mind sharing stuff, added her stuff to the cabinets, and that was that.
However, she keeps breaking things. I absolutely understand that dishes break all the time, and I don’t have an emotional attachment to anything except one set of bowls my dad brought back from China. It’s not a big deal to replace it.
Except she never tells me when she breaks something! I only find out because I find the pieces of whatever it was in the trash or something goes missing and I’ll look for it for a while and finally ask her about it, and she’ll just casually say she broke it.
No apology, no acknowledgment that it was mine, and now it doesn’t exist anymore. She does not offer to replace it or pay for it. I would probably say no, no; don’t worry about it but I would appreciate the gesture. I know if I broke something that wasn’t mine, I would offer to replace it. I shattered an old roommate’s wine glasses when I accidentally dropped the water pitcher in the sink, and I ordered a new set right away and she had new glasses by that weekend.
I have tried a couple of times to tell her about it, but I chicken out every time. We have a decent relationship, and I don’t want to upset the balance we have. Especially with COVID, I spend more time at home than I ever have before. I do not want a hostile home environment. She never goes anywhere except the gym, so if she becomes hostile, I will definitely be miserable.”
8. Roommate Got COVID And Is Now Quarantining In Our Shared Apartment
Selfishness, pure selfishness.
“Months before December holidays, my roommate and friend I will call “Casey” decided she wanted to go on a trip to The Dominican Republic to get her scuba certification. Earlier in the summer, when cases had dipped really low where we live, I mentioned I would also like to go if cases continue to go down and we get to a manageable rate.
Needless to say, cases have risen, and when she asked me in September whether I was still interested.
I declined, citing that cases are going up and I don’t feel it would be responsible, especially because my mom has an autoimmune condition and I would feel awful if she was ever exposed. And also, CDC guidance doesn’t recommend travel.
Work picked up in November and I got super busy (I am lucky to work from home) up until Casey left for her trip, so I didn’t interact with her too much leading up to her departure.
Being that Covid was kind of at an insane level where we live (in a large city), I was shocked to find she was still going on her trip. I expressed to her that I was trying to isolate and stay away from people (aside from a few grocery trips or seeing my partner who was also isolating) for the month until Christmas, so I can see my mom.
Casey gets tested for Covid before she departs and then goes to DR.
When she is there, I am horrified and angered to see her flaunting her trip on social, posting videos of her on a boat dancing with strangers maskless, taking photos maskless with people I know she isn’t familiar with. I was furious that she would have absolutely no self-awareness. I thought maybe at this point knowing it was a bad time to be traveling during Covid, she would go and just hang with the few friends she knows by themselves on the beach but no.
She even had the audacity to post on Instagram an album from the trip. I am livid, speechless, and immediately start jumping to the conclusion I need to move out which would be incredibly difficult this time of year. Also, she’s a major part of my huge friend group in this city, so even though I’m p*ssed at her, she’s not ever not going to be in my life.
A week into the trip, she texts me that she isn’t feeling well (no shock to anyone) and is in the airport heading home early, and me and my other roommate should probably not come home for a while.
Fortunately, at this point, I had already left for my parents. My other roommate was also isolating and tested negative for Covid before she went home. But I’m like WHAT the HELL, firstly, because she has selfishly exposed anyone in the airport and plane to Covid, and second because she seems so blasé about it.
I pay the most out of the three of us for the apartment—around $2,000 each month for my room/bathroom including utilities.
And I’m not going to be able to use it for the next month or more. Also, since she has gotten home, I have texted her pretty sternly about not leaving and checking quarantine rules—she wants to rent a car go get her cat this weekend from her mom’s house. SMDH. I sternly discouraged her to stay home and not put her mom or her cat (or anyone else for that matter) at risk by leaving the apartment.
Do I start looking for a new apartment on my own? My partner and I are moving in together this summer.
Do I tell her I want to be compensated for the month or more I’ve had to live at home while she uses the entire 3 bedroom apartment and I pay for it? I’m just at my wit’s end with her selfishness and I don’t think I should constantly be policing her behavior when it’s abundantly evident what she is doing is f’ed up. She texted me after she got back, “I knew getting Covid was a chance during the trip.” Like d*mn, have some self-awareness and respect for other people??! From a friend’s perspective, I’m absolutely disgusted with her behavior and while I hope she gets better, I’m absolutely appalled and angry. I haven’t talked with our other roommate about this, just two close mutual friends at this point, who are equally disgusted but don’t think I should move.”
My uncle passed away from covid, and now I have permanent lung damage from it as well at age 33. It is nothing to play with. And the fact that someone could be so ignorant to expose others like she did.. I would more than expect compensation, I'd report her to the health authority. People are dying. Those people have families. Others like myself are stuck with permanent dehabilitating effects of this virus. I wouldn't move if I were you. No. I'd kick HER out and cite your reason as her ignorance and your concern for your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your Mom/Family. You shouldn't have to suffer for her poor choices. And neither should anyone else. Kick her to the curb.
7. All Our Advice Goes In One Ear And Out Through The Other
There seems to be no hope for this guy.
“So my partner and I live with 3 friends; Another couple, and 1 single guy. The other couple is also engaged; the guy is my best friend of 15 years and the woman is my partner’s best friend. We get along with them – no problems what so ever… however… the single guy. He’s been all of our friends for a few years now.
He’s a super nerdy guy, like straight weeaboo, lol, but he’s not a bad guy to hangout with… Living with though, entirely different story.
The guy works at GameStop as an assistant manager. All other 4 roommates agree that he has a really bad BO (body odor) when he sweats, like he walks past you and you can smell him. It’s bad. So he’ll work all day, and he’s a pretty big dude like 315 to 320 lbs, so he sweats quite a bit.
He gets home from work and changes into his lounge shorts, which are the same shorts he’ll wear for days in a row, so all his ball sweat transfers to the shorts because he doesn’t wear underwear with his shorts. Sometimes he’ll go 2 or possibly 3 days without showering, so the stench gets worse and worse. His room is absolutely unbearable. It smells like old, sour, moldy armpit.
He’ll throw his sweaty work clothes on the floor instead of his hamper and he leaves them there for days. He washes his bedding maybe once a month, so the smell gets worse and worse as his dirty clothes pile up, and he lays in his bed all sweaty from work. Also, we helped him vacuum his room on Friday with pet odor powder, and legit, by Saturday afternoon, the smell was back but worse than ever.
And of course, when he’s home on his days off, he likes to leave his door open, so the smell lingers into the game room, my bedroom, and the other roommates’ bedroom.
It’s disgusting. When he finally does shower, he puts the EXACT same clothes on he had before showering, so all the sweat from his clothes just basically cancels out his shower.
We’ve been living at our house since August, and literally every single month, we’ve had a talk with him about issues, but it’s like, it goes in one ear and out the other. Back in October, our roommates took him to Target and got him to buy a hamper.
He used it for like 2 or 3 days, and now it just sits in his closet never getting used.
He brings home pop figures and statues from work almost every day, so his room is just getting more and more cluttered every day. We’re literally getting to the end of our rope with him, like we need to tell him to clean his room, like CLEAN it, not just be lazy and spray Febreze like he does every now and again.
How do we go about getting this problem solved? Cause we’re at the point where my partner doesn’t want to invite her friends over because his room is f*cking embarrassing as it stinks up the entire upstairs.
Also to add, he’s a super-sensitive guy, like every single time we talk to him about things he’s doing that needs to be fixed, he shuts down, cries, and tries to go upstairs to his room. He absolutely HATES confrontation, so any time we try to have these conversations with him it’s just even more difficult due to how sensitive he is.”
6. This Roommate Has Me Rethinking Our Entire Years-Long Friendship
“This is long, so buckle in, buckaroos.
Cast:
L – Roommate/best friend of almost a decade, 24, non-binary
N – My serious partner, 21/M (has been living with me for over 2 years and together with me for almost 4 years)
K – My other partner, 25/M (relationship of a little over 2 years, long-distance currently)
OP – Me, 23/M
I let my best friend of almost a decade move in with me temporarily to help him get out of a toxic situation.
I hadn’t seen him for extensive periods of time in a couple of years due to him living far away, my own funds being tight, and his roommate and friends (where they lived) were awful people I didn’t want to be around. At first, it was fantastic. I had my best friend back. He worked a different schedule from me, so I wasn’t able to spend much more than a few hours with him a day.
My partner, N, has insomnia and stayed up late talking with L.
N came to me after a couple of weeks to have a discussion about opening our relationship to include L. We are polyamorous, and it wouldn’t be unusual for us to open our relationship to others. L would not be the first we’ve discussed or even opened our relationship to. We typically go out together, but the only outlier is my other partner, K, has a brother/friend relationship with N.
I had gone out with L briefly when we were in high school, and I had thought (incorrectly) that we’d both grown as people since then and was willing to try again with him. So, we asked him to join us. We were happy, and I was on Cloud 9.
Slowly, N and I began to notice cracks in L after he lost his job due to the global issue.
He boundary stomped incessantly, lied about different things to N and me at different times, used N like an unpaid therapist and hardly let him sleep, never cleaned up after himself, practically demanded s*x every day (sometimes multiple times a day), could not be alone for any period of time, guilt-tripped whenever we closed our bedroom door for privacy (even if we were alone) or set a boundary, and neglected his pets.
He played the, “My trauma is more valid and worse than yours” game. He complained constantly about children and swore up and down that he would NEVER have kids, which is a deal-breaker for N and I as we both desperately want kids one day. L insulted N’s and my ex-girl constantly, who we are still friends with, and compared her to his toxic, narcissistic ex-roommate.
We are charging him rent, but it was lower than it should be in order to help them save for a place of his own.
After almost a month of us being together, N had been talking with L one night about his diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. N was running on lack of sleep, and while they were talking, N began to believe the L may also have Dissociative Identity Disorder.
L took that and ran with it. So that began what N, K, and I call “Hell Week.” L lost his f*cking mind. He suddenly had 50+ alters with constant switches, he wouldn’t let N sleep AT ALL, he was some witchcraft expert speaking for the universe and was convinced he was some ethereal, godlike being. N and I are both practicing witches of a little over a decade each, so we were confused.
Some highlights include being convinced that my cat was Lucifer (he’s a d*ck, not a demon); he was born under the wrong/r*pe star; his father and he were being stalked by a Native American monster local to our area their whole lives (I WILL NOT SAY THE NAME); their end goal for the relationship was one of his “alters,” K, and me; he swore up and down that a friend that N and I have has been attacking him spiritually; he loudly shouted that he would ride N’s patron deity “out to sea;” and he thought all of the animals needed to be bathed in moonlight (including cats that are prone to running, both this dog and my dog, and my pet rats).
L constantly spammed our phones when he was at work.
I don’t think he slept for a week straight. We theorized that he was decompressing after being in an abusive environment for so long, and his survival instincts weren’t necessary anymore and running rampant. N & I spent most of our time that week cleansing our house, putting upwards and protections, comforting L, trying to give him advice, and doing anything and everything we could to see what caused this psychotic break.
L would never let us talk. Even if N or I said something, he talked over us, interrupted us, or just agreed and continued with whatever (often incorrect) statement they were making. All focus and energy had to be on them. L openly bashed therapy and said that it would never work for him and that he doesn’t need it or any medication. He kept saying, with confidence, that N and I were certain ways as people, kept boxing him in, and getting agitated whenever we fought back against the incorrect boxes L kept shoving us in.
The tipping point was the night that I came home from work to find N locked in our bedroom with all of our animals (two cats and a dog that we’ve owned together since long before L moved in), hugging L’s jacket and sobbing.
It had been almost a whole week of this bullsh*t, and I had to watch one of the loves of my life sob and beg whatever greater power that would listen for the partner we’d been dating for a month to come back and be normal again. The next day, N and I confronted L. We told him that we could not do this anymore, and we would be calling his father and have him committed as he is clearly mentally unwell.
L broke down sobbing, wailing that we weren’t listening to him and that all we had to do was listen. From my point of view, we’d been doing nothing but listening. We couldn’t speak, we couldn’t do anything without him AT ALL (even individually), and we were having our religions; our mental health issues; our morals; our life goals; and our very beings challenged and insulted.
He seemed to be coming out of it and realized that what he was doing wasn’t safe for anyone. We were hoping we could work through this and help him as a partnership.
The next day, we took L with us to see a house that my boss was selling as N and I have been wanting to get out of our rental situation and begin to move on to the next stage of our lives.
We didn’t trust L alone in the house. I want to preface by saying N and I would be on the mortgage and title or at least I would be. L would have zero claim to the house at all as N and I would NEVER be that serious with a partner of a month, no matter the history or recent events. We were 20 minutes late because L changed his outfit 3 separate times, the outfits including wigs, cat ears, and BDSM harnesses.
We met my boss and her son at the house, and N and I really liked it. It was not our first rodeo of viewing a house, and we were asking questions to get important information about the house & neighborhood. L walked around the house talking like it was a dollhouse, making plans of what to put where and overall trying to get his way.
It felt like N and I had brought our unruly child instead of our partner, and I was so embarrassed in front of my boss.
A week of private discussions later, N and I sat L down to talk to him and tell him that we need to break up with him. Clearly, he’s not well enough to be in a relationship, he needs to seek serious help, and we are miserable.
L started to sob and yelled at us “So, because I had a mental breakdown, you’re breaking up with me?!” Short answer, yes. We are allowed to leave situations that are detrimental to our mental and physical health.
I fully expected L to have been out of my house by now. Temporary was supposed to mean a few months while L got back on his feet, yet he’s still in my house 5 months later with no plans to leave and is still a terrible roommate.
He “cleans” on his extended weekends; his cleaning is only rearranging things how he wants them. N and I cannot even cuddle on the couch without him walking by and yelling “gayyyyy” at us as if it’s a joke. The first few times felt like a joke, but it’s every single time he sees us being in any way being physically intimate. We’ve kept most of our physical intimacy private to be respectful of L and his healing.
K refuses to visit at all because of L still being in our house, so I can only video call him right now. We would normally be out on dates, but everything is still closed here. He hates L, particularly for them faking DID.
N and I have had to stop L from feeding trash to his dog, such as cans of beans, soups, veggie-heavy foods, full cartons of broth, garlic, onions, mushrooms, etc.
on top of the dog’s hard dog food. L only recently stopped using up all of N’s and my food (groceries and leftovers) we bought with our own money. Originally, we pooled our money to buy groceries together, and I had included that in L’s rent as he wanted it that way. L backed out of that, go lowered rent, and complained that he’s a “gourmet” and has “high standards for his brands.” N and I typically buy generic as we try to save money, and generic mostly tastes fine to us.
L almost obsessively fed my pet rats and kept dumping large amounts of clean bedding into their cage on top of all of their dirty bedding, using almost a full bag of paper bedding. I do a deep clean of the rat cage on a weekly basis where I remove all dirty bedding and place all clean bedding in their cage. I put a stop to it finally after snapping at L to never touch my rats again.
We’ve been fighting fleas in my house for a couple of months as well. L gives the animals baths but doesn’t let the soap sit long enough for it to do anything. A dog bath should not take 5 minutes, especially not when you’re giving a flea bath. L somehow shredded the lining in my washing machine for the hair filter, which I now have to unclog after 3 or 4 loads of laundry due to the amount of animal hair I’m cleaning from all of our clothes.
L came to N and I one night after I had gotten home from work and asked if a couple of his friends, who’ve been quarantining, could come over sometime to hang out and nap.
Exact words were “hang out and nap.” N and I were okay with it as long as they’ve been quarantining, thinking they would only be in our house for around 5-ish hours. We could deal with that, no problem. L comes to tell us around 11:30 pm that night that their friends were a half hour out and had a two-hour trip. Those friends stayed in my house for THIRTY-SIX HOURS.
They arrived Friday night a little before midnight and didn’t leave until noon on Sunday. We never agreed for two strangers to spend two nights at our house. L came again to N just earlier this week to let him know, not me, that he was going to visit different friends in Chicago for a few days, and those friends would be coming back with him to buy their old car from them but will be staying the night, possibly nights, before heading home.
Didn’t ask, just told us that his friends would be staying the night(s).
L still continues to complain that our house “doesn’t feel like this home” and that he only has their room, that he just lives in our house. He complains no one wants him and that all of his relationships are failures. He keeps trying to force his way into relationships with other people that aren’t interested in him.
Some of L’s behaviors and own admittances are making it ridiculously obvious that he is still in love with me from high school and that he should be where N is, but he isn’t openly challenging N or K as my partners.
L has my best friend for almost a decade, and I always thought we had a healthy, good friendship that would stand the test of time.
As I’m looking back at it now, I’m starting to see all the red flags I ignored or didn’t see for our entire friendship. L was supposed to be the person of honor at my wedding, but I can’t even see him in my life after he leaves my house. It’s heartbreaking to me as I don’t have that many friends and making friends is difficult for me due to being very introverted. I’m just exhausted.”
5. She Doesn't Understand Boundaries
Someone’s gotta school this girl.
“Alright, I need some help understanding this person we live with. Talking to her never works; she just laughs things off or spins things to make herself seem the victim. But really, I just need to vent. A LOT.
I(30F) live with my partner (35M) who owns the house and a roommate (28F). Most of her quirks and annoying habits I’ve just overlooked up until now, but now that Covid is keeping us all much closer than we would like, I can’t keep doing this.
She’s disrespectful and entitled. For instance, she uses the entire large fridge to store her food (we don’t share food; she’s decided she has some untested food sensitivities), taking up every shelf and drawer leaving us a half shelf for leftovers. As a result, my partner and I store food in a mini-fridge he has as a result of having many roommates in his house over many years.
She will often leave food in the fridge so long it spoils and then doesn’t clean up the rotten food mess. She uses up all the storage space in the house, and I often have to move her things to find my own. She leaves messes in the kitchen, not huge dirty messes, but like, spilled food on the counters or floors, dishes or uncleaned recyclables beside the sink for days, or leaves food stuck to dishes and put them away like they are clean.
She routinely leaves her Diva cup laying around the bathroom or leaves blood on the bathroom floor or sink or soap dispenser. She leaves her hair in the shower on every surface. She has left the deep freezer door open on multiple occasions. I have cleaned up melted food and mess so many times, but she always denies it was her. (She has so much food in it that we have stopped using it altogether; it is definitely her.) She’ll let the compost pile up in the kitchen if we aren’t home, not taking it out to the bin.
She has just thrown unwanted food into the yard, and when we told her she definitely couldn’t do that because we didn’t want our dogs eating it, she was shocked that that would be bad for them. We have talked to her about all these things at one time or another, but she always just laughs it off or claims she was in a rush and it “will never happen again.” It always does.
She uses my stuff, as in anything she wants she uses, without asking or replacing or cleaning what she uses.
To name a few, she has used my shampoo, face wash, face cream, tampons, hairbrush, toothpaste, a facemask that I never saw again, and most unforgivably, my RAZOR. The razor is what pushed me over the edge. She left it in the shower covered in her hair. When I confronted her about it, she just said she was in a hurry and used it without “mindfulness” and sees nothing wrong with using it.
She did say she would “try not to touch” any of my things in the future. I have resorted to storing pretty much everything in our room, while her things take up most spaces in the bathroom.
She also just generally only interacts with my partner and not me, as in she will talk over me to talk to him, ignore me when I’m in the room, and she asks him to compliment her on her outfit or help her cook something, or whatever.
I am not worried about his attentions; we are secure as a couple, and he generally brushes her off, but it still bothers me that she so openly seeks his attention.
She also definitely doesn’t take Covid as seriously as us, despite discussing this a lot with her. She doesn’t wash her hands super often, and she never covers her mouth when she coughs/sneezes/burps. She still continues to hang out with bunches of her friends, have dinners, go out, etc.
Being recently single during this time in history can not be great, but still. If we get Covid, it’s coming from her.
Honestly, I think she’s a d*mn psychopath at this point. I can not figure out why she thinks some of her actions are at all ok. She is so flaky and oblivious. I truly do not believe she will ever change her habits, and after having multiple conversations with her for a variety of reasons, she sees nothing wrong with her actions or using our stuff.
I understand living with two love birds isn’t ideal, especially during Covid. My partner and I have discussed the issue, but we don’t want to kick her out this time of year; we live in a community where finding a place to rent is difficult in the best of times, let alone winter. But I have made it very clear she needs to go. He, however, maintains that although she is a terrible roommate, she hasn’t done anything terrible enough to earn an eviction.
And she’s not using his stuff, just mine. So far.
Any advice on getting through the winter?? Any advice on how to firmly set boundaries, because everything we have discussed with her so far isn’t working! Am I justified in being sick of her sh*t, or am I being unreasonable and nit-picky? I’ve lived with plenty of roommates, and I’ll be the first to admit I prefer to live alone. I do love living with my partner though, and we are doing great otherwise.”
4. They've Threatened To Call The Cops On Me For Amping Up The Security Of Our Home
Taking things way out of context.
“Here’s the cast of this sh*tshow:
Me, sh*tty roommate (SR), roommate 1 (R1), roommate 2 (R2), and SR’s gross “partner” (G)
I moved in with three other girls close to my age in August of this year. Things seemed okay for the most part. R1 and R2 were super friendly and excited to move in and start a new chapter. SR, however, seemed more distant.
She didn’t come with us to get furnishings like we planned. She never really did anything with us at all. This didn’t really bother me that much, like so what if she’s a bit reclusive and introverted? I was kind and respectful to her anyway. I got her a cake on her birthday and we invited her to movie nights. Everything was going great for the first 2 months.
Things started to get a little rocky when R1 started to smell the special green plant.
We talked to SR about it and told her that we weren’t comfortable with her bringing it around and smoking it in the house. I’m okay with the special green plant but it’s illegal in our state, and if she gets caught, then we’re all liable. She claimed that she doesn’t use it and it was just her friends who walked in that smelled like it.
We accepted that and went on with our lives. Then a few weeks later, R1 smelled it again. She confronted SR about it and told her that it’s not allowed in the house and she’s making everything stink. SR ignored us and smoked more. We didn’t report it because we didn’t have anyone who could move in if she got arrested, so we would have to cover her rent which we can’t afford.
Then she started inviting G over.
It wasn’t an issue really because they generally kept to themselves and didn’t bother us aside from smoking and having loud hook ups late at night. At this point, we decided to find a new roommate and we had great success. In Mid-November, we tell SR that she needs to move out and she agrees. She said she would move out on the 27th (she didn’t).
SR then started telling G that he could park in front of the garage. R2 and I park in the garage so he essentially blocked us in or out any time he was here. He would move when asked but the roommate agreement we made has “NO BLOCKING” written on it, so obviously this was a major issue. SR is clearly showing a blatant disregard for her roommates.
What finally caused me to snap was seeing G walk into the house through the garage.
She had given him the code. He had access to our home. That was the final straw. We told SR that she was to be moved out by the 22nd of December and she agreed to that. I decided to change the garage code so that G couldn’t get in anymore (By accident, I ended up setting it so no one could use it). This p*ssed off SR.
She assumed we had just locked her out of the house, so in retaliation, she locked the garage door. Then she confronted us in the group chat (chats are written verbatim):
SR: “Does not matter that I’m moving out, you have no right to lock me out just like I don’t have a right to lock you out.”
R1: “Exactly. We didn’t and we won’t. Please [don’t] do the same.”
I privately messaged SR telling her my reasoning for changing the garage code.
I told her why I was frustrated. She wasn’t paying me for the power bill, she brought drugs in the house, she gave out the garage code to G and let him block the garage. I told her I don’t feel safe with any man being able to walk into my home as he pleases. I let her know that I was going to fix the garage keypad after she moved out because I didn’t trust her.
SR: “You are not 20 years old.
I will pay you for the power bill that is due on 16th.” “There is really not a lot of tension since I’m 19 and an adult.”
I didn’t respond.
SR: “If I am locked out again, the police will be showing up.” “I [can] act 16 too.”
Me: “I did not lock you out of the house. You have a house key. You can easily access the house.
I locked out the person you gave the garage code to.” “But sure. You can call me immature for wanting to feel safe in my own home.”
She didn’t respond to me until this morning.
SR: “I’m downstairs and I don’t feel safe with your f*ck Buddy ***** knowing the garage code.” “Just like all three of your white partners know it… I just don’t feel safe. You can not have the garage code changed as long as I’m here and I’m going to call the police.” “And they will tell you the same thing doesn’t matter.
There were two blunts smoked in my room, you can’t do that!” “I live here, and you can’t do that.”
Me: “***** is my man of 3 years. No one else knows the garage code or walks in as they please. They have to be let in. Go ahead and call the police if you can’t handle this like an adult. I’m having the garage code fixed after you leave. It’s not the end of the world to have to use the front door to get inside.”
That seems to be the end of it for now. I’m absolutely livid with her and her actions.”
3. She Refuses To Change The Temperature Of The Apartment
“We’ve been roommates for 3 months. She’s 36/F, and I’m 24/F. I moved in first, and I’m subleasing the apartment, so I’m the sublessor and she’s the sublessee, meaning I’m technically her landlord. She came in a month after me. I put up the ad for her room as X amount everything included. We signed an agreement.
I am the one in charge of paying the electricity, heating, and internet, and all appliances are mine.
Problem is, I noticed that she likes it HOT and is very wasteful of energy, such as keeping her room light on for 1+ hour every day while she’s in the bathroom or the kitchen. We’re in Canada, but the weather has been warm in October and November. I came in in October, and it was so warm it felt like a sauna because she turned the heating on.
I also came into her washing her sister’s clothes once with my washer and dryer.
About 2 weeks ago, I had enough. She’s home all the time, and I’m home about 60% of the time, so I told her we needed to talk and laid out all the things that bothered me: wasteful energy and the overconsumption of heating, electricity, washer, and dryer, etc. In terms of heating, I only referred to the common rooms (kitchen, living room, and hallway).
I felt that she understood and it was a good meeting, but I still noticed she kept her lights on in rooms she wasn’t using completely disregarding what she said she understood.
But a couple of days later, she wanted to meet me again over the heating. She had left to her sister’s place for 3 days, and when she came back, her sister installed a thermometer in the kitchen (we didn’t have one; it’s all manual, so you never really knew what the temperature was), and she told me that from now on, she wants the temperature to be between 68 and 73 all the time during the day, at night, even when no one is home and told me to not turn the heating off (or lower).
I texted her yesterday that I would appreciate it if she could keep it between 65 to 68 (always in common rooms).
I feel like I’m already compromising. Now we are in a huge disagreement. We will be talking in a couple of days. She texted back that she has a lower tolerance to cold and wants her sister to be there to try to mediate the conflict and try to understand why I am not willing to put it higher.
She says that I am unkind to her, cause her suffering, and letting her live in a winter camp during a cold Canadian winter, where she can’t even focus on her studies or work because she’s shivering all the time, even with warmer clothes.
I know for a fact she is putting her room temperature to more than 70 or even higher because I can feel the extremely hot air when I pass in front of her door. I would like to add that: she is in a t-shirt all the time, and when she gets in and out of the bathroom, she goes naked. She also puts the heating in the bathroom the whole day.
She’s walking around with no socks on, and I brought it up, she said her feet can’t breathe with socks on.
She said that the average temperature during the day should be between 68 and 72 and between 63 and 68 during the night.
In our agreement, there is a clause that says that I am the one responsible for paying the heating, electricity, and internet and that electricity and hot water is permitted as long as it is considered moderate and reasonable and in good faith by both parties.
Honestly, I feel like this is getting completely ridiculous. I called our city’s Rental Board and they told me I couldn’t kick her out, but I could make a complaint that she isn’t respecting our agreement. Her sister has no business in our affairs, but I know it’s her who told her that she’s paying for all included so she needs her support to stand up for herself.”
2. His Controlling Ways Are Getting Out Of Hand
“I (24F) and my friends (23F) and (21M) decided to get a place together this year; however, the original plan was I and my (23F) friend to live together, but due to our friend’s (21M) circumstances, we decided to all three live together.
Before moving in my (23F) roommate and I were aware of how our friend (21M) is like and were worried living together wouldn’t turn out the way we expected.
Our (21M) friend is very controlling and likes things his way (I’m sure stemming from severe anxiety issues and trauma refusing to be dealt with). His old roommate is one of our other friends who also had issues with him when living together.
After the first month and a half of living together, he started being passive-aggressive and petty when it came to the trash. We confronted him about it asking what the issue was since our house is clean and we are all clean people who do our share of everything.
He said how he felt like he was the only one doing everything around the house and we had to reassure him that’s not true and we all do our share and just because he has to do things occasionally doesn’t mean we never do anything. After discussing this issue and having a talk with him, we thought everything was resolved.
Fast forward a month later, we are already having more issues with him.
He’s sassy all the time and makes comments about everything we do which he should have no concern over and it sounds like he’s criticizing us or judging us. A few examples, my roommate and I pay our share of all the bills and on time, yet he feels the need to make comments about our finances and how many packages we receive at the door.
Our money shouldn’t be any of his business since it doesn’t affect him. He also is so worried about what we eat and will roast us occasionally on what we eat cause he thinks it’s funny (meanwhile his diet isn’t the greatest). The first or second time of hearing it it’s funny, but after that, it just gets annoying. My one roommate and I decided to each get our own cat and confirmed this was okay with him out of respect (he has a dog).
He made comments as if we were incompetent with owning an animal and asked if we are sure that’s what we wanted to do and how it’s going to be extra money with our lease and all this other sh*t. Meanwhile, we are the ones cleaning up his dog’s sh*t and p*ss all the time. These are just some examples of comments being made continuously and stuff that’s brought up almost daily.
My roommate and I were just allowing these things to build up over time since we had just talked to him and didn’t know if we should address the concerns yet.
This past week, we made a comment through text and it turned into him getting defensive and felt like he was being ganged up by the two of us and him claiming we are talking sh*t on him. He never takes responsibility for his actions or behavior and claims that’s just who he is. He can never admit he’s in the wrong. He’s been ignoring us for almost a week now and we’ve made 4 attempts to try to talk to him already. I’m just really annoyed and can’t think to live like this anymore being constantly criticized and not being able to feel comfortable in my own house.”
1. Fed Up With The Roomie Who's Now Hard To Call A Friend
“So for starters, I always try to be really understanding and sensitive to other people’s needs, and I often make excuses for them until I get sick of making them.
I have this roommate (I have 3 so 4 people total) and we have all been friends for two years save for one friend who I’ve known way longer (this is not the roommate). So my one roommate I used to be close with and always tried to be there for her through all of her problems, especially in her dealing with her anxiety.
One thing I used to do is be the one to acknowledge her whenever she would act childishly to get attention when we’re all just sitting quietly doing our own thing. Our other two roommates just zone out. I always listen to her problems and try to offer another perspective or ways to deal with the problem. All this stuff led me to be very drained in our first two months.
She later tries to befriend people that live near us and I really hit it off with one of them, and she seemed to support it.
I later went over to this person’s place and we decided to go out romantically. I get home the day after, and she’s been crying and is upset that this happened as she didn’t want this to be the reason she loses her new friends. I told her I didn’t have to go and she said, no, I should. She also told me I was inconsiderate and didn’t help her with her problems.
At this point, I’m like, okay, if I’m feeling drained helping you and it’s not even enough for you, why should I even try, considering I’m the house I’m the only person who really tries and doesn’t tune her out.
Another thing about this situation is that she said that the reason she was so so hurt by me going on this date was that I had “yelled at her that we needed space.” In reality, I was very validating.
This one day, she was upset at not having other friends, and said yes, I get that space is nice, and I need that sometimes too! This is kind of a trend of her misconstruing things that were not yelling from other people and saying that they did. Yes, I know this is an anxiety thing, but after a while of being accused of things like this, it gets very draining, so yet again, I decided I wouldn’t be giving her advice and walk on eggshells, so she would not be able to accuse me of anything.
I also had this issue a few months ago, and she belittles my pain saying it was only one part that hurt and later said it was my fault for having s*x.
I told her that felt sl*t-shamey and she laughed it off. A year ago, I was nothing but supportive of her “h*e” phase (but again, apparently I was “condescending” when I told her she had nothing to be ashamed of for having s*x?).
She also kinda weaponizes her caretaking and will take care of others to feel powerful. I know that sounds like an exaggeration. She’ll try to take care of the roommates and others, but it’s so overbearing to the point that it seems more like she’s trying to show how kind of a person she is.
She said that she convinced this guy to “get help” because he didn’t know how he felt about her (he just didn’t like her) and was so proud of the fact (this guy did not in fact get help because he did not need it and didn’t want to argue with her).
She also has said that she feels jealous of me and will often make that very apparent by talking to me like I am stupid in front of other guys that she likes.
She’ll ask how my situation with the guy from before is, and I swear she sounds like she’s accusing me of waiting for me to say something went wrong.
I know I sound like a d*ck, but after this and so much more, I just am really fed up with her and don’t really want anything to with her besides just coexisting. I kind of just zone out when she’s around and don’t really respond to her outbursts unless she is directly speaking to me.
I avoid her quite a bit because I really don’t know what to say to her nor do I have much of a desire to interact with her. My other roommates understand my side and don’t blame me for doing all of that. I just feel guilty because I feel like I’m creating an awkward atmosphere.
I also know she is eventually going to call me out for being cold and I don’t know what to say.
We had a conversation after she “confronted” me and I told her things that bothered me and it didn’t really change. I don’t think I’ll be able to tell her all of my feelings and have her change (nor should she be expected to you don’t have to give with everyone). So I don’t think this is something that is salvageable, and I can’t tell her that I want to just coexist.
So any tips on avoiding the issue if brought up would be helpful. Also, please tell me if I’m being awful here.”
Another User Comments:
“Oh, this was my exact situation. Housemate chose to act in a childish way when she wanted emotional attention, and eventually, I was just too tired to keep chasing her around checking on her.
I talked to my therapist about it and she introduced me to Karpmans Drama Triangle – that helped me to understand that being her “rescuer” was only making things worse.
Unfortunately, it was “too late” as our discussions about this dynamic just lead to her trying to explain away her behavior instead of changing, and she then expected me to just “go back to normal,” and when I continued to keep a polite distance as I was needing space, she told our mutuals friends I was “blocking her out.”
I moved out, and she was so incredibly rude about every step of that process despite the fact that I said I was moving because I needed my own space after this Covid year. And now she’s being SO kind to all our mutual friends, inviting them all over and never inviting me.
I decided this week, after a friend passed away, that keeping her on my social media wasn’t worth it to appear “polite,” so I removed her. Less than 24 hours later, she requests me. No thanks.” whetwitch
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