People Question Their Morals In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
14. AITJ For Wearing A Dress My Husband Didn't Think Was Appropriate?
“For now, only family and close friends know that my husband and I are likely going to get divorced. Since my family and my in-laws are both all about keeping up appearances, we’re trying to act like nothing is going on for the time being.
My friend, who knows, was the person who suggested I wear this short black dress to an event I had to go to with my husband, even though we both knew he wouldn’t find it appropriate.
Usually, I don’t like to show a lot of skin but she convinced me it was a good idea so I wore it. I met my husband at the event and when he saw me, I could tell he wasn’t happy about the dress.
His family and friends were all there and while most people were polite and said I looked nice, my brother-in-law made a rude joke. I laughed it off but my husband was ticked off and told him to shut up.
After that, he made sure I was next to him the entire night and then on the drive home we had a fight over the dress because he said I was playing a childish game and I should’ve known better as I’m still a reflection on him for the time being.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you’re allowed to wear a potato sack if you so choose. But it’s ridiculous to drag things out for appearance’s sake, trust me when I tell you EVERYONE felt the awkward tension that night.
Be adults, divorce, and move on with your lives.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
Did you really love the dress and wanted to wear it? Because it sounds to me like your friend convinced you to wear it knowing it would tick your husband off which tbh is kind of petty.
But he’s also TJ for letting it get to him and acting like he owns you (even though you’re going to divorce?)” OneHappyOne
Another User Comments:
“YTJ what a childish thing to do.
If you don’t want to keep up appearances then it’s time to stop the charade and I think that would be healthy and reasonable. But it’s not cool to claim to be participating and then use it to take potshots at each other.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for wanting to start a fight.
Sounds like you were sort of hoping he’d get loud and make himself look like a fool at the event so you could have a “win”.
Your friend is not really doing you any favors by encouraging you to go outside your comfort zones just to score a cheap win.
This divorce will be over soon enough, don’t change who you are to win points. You can maintain your dignity and respect without suddenly showing up in things you don’t ever win.
That reflects on YOU, not him. So don’t let your friend coerce you into things. Hope your friend’s motivations are decent too!” Rohini_rambles
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. As someone who grew up having every single thing I wore monitored, I applaud you.
I finally got out of the cult and am now free to dress how I choose. It is a DAILY struggle for me. Every time I go to get dressed, I have the same internal battle.
“Am I wearing this because I want to wear it, or am I wearing it to tick off the people who think I shouldn’t be wearing it?”
As I said, it’s still a struggle for me.
But I have come to realize, it doesn’t matter. If I, and you, like the outfit even a little bit, then other people’s opinions don’t matter.
You assumed he wouldn’t like the dress, but he still has control over himself. He sounds like a controlling jerk and I’m glad you’re getting out. Don’t give this a second thought.” mac_and_cheese_17
13. AITJ For Telling My Mom I Hate Her Partner?
“I am 17 (nb) on the threshold of 18, mom is 50 (f) and her partner is 48 (m).
I wasn’t planning on moving out anytime soon but it just got to be too much.
My mother has been seeing her partner for 8/9 months now and he’s around all the time which would be fine except her house was the one place I felt I could truly be myself.
I was over at his house once and the neighbors asked for my name and pronouns. Word got around to her partner that I told them I was nb and he yelled at me to tell them I was a liar and my “real” name and that I was just doing it for attention because these were his neighbors and he loves me but he doesn’t support my “lifestyle choices”.
So at this, my mother defends him and says I can be myself at her house but not here. I go by my dead name, I don’t wear a binder, I wear feminine clothes and all that crap to make him feel better because I didn’t want to drive a wedge between her and her partner.
Now comes the events that led to me moving out.
I was in my own home and her partner was over, I was wearing my binder and walked downstairs to say hi. I still let him call me my dead name and use the wrong pronouns because at least I was able to wear my binder right?
He said, “I’m not dealing with this bull crap” and then stormed upstairs.
I break down because I’ve been doing everything they’ve asked for for two months now and I don’t understand why he would react that way.
My mother sits me down and tries to console me but ends up defending him again about how I’m making her guests feel uncomfortable in her home. I snap and say this is my home too I’m not allowed to be myself at his house, or at school, I can’t do it when going out, and now the one place I’m supposed to feel accepted is telling me I’m wrong again.
This night ends with me apologizing for making him uncomfortable and then going to my room to cry it out.
My mother then enters my room sobbing saying “He broke up with me, are you happy now?” And I wasn’t really supporting her because they do this stuff every week.
So the following day she presents me with a contract stating the rules I’ll follow when living with my dad.
I’m done emotionally at this point, so I just sign it and then move out the following Saturday. One of the rules I had to follow was going out every week with my mother.
Last week on the drive home from her house to my father’s she asked if I don’t like her partner. At first, I lie and say I tolerate him because she loves him but I don’t dislike him but then I think to myself why am I lying?
So I tell her the truth and list off all the reasons why I hate him and how he’s a horrible person and by proxy, she is too for always defending him and choosing him over me.
After my blow up the rest of the drive was silent and we haven’t talked since. I think I might be the jerk because I said really hurtful things about her and her partner just because I couldn’t regulate my emotions.”
Another User Comments:
“Oh wow, I am sorry you have to deal with this.
NTJ and at no point should you or anyone use your deadname. Lifestyle choice (His words!) or not, this is who you are. THEY need to accept and if they don’t that is on them.
Your house should be your sanctuary, where you go to feel comfortable. Your mom’s partner is the jerk, but your mom is the worst one of all.
Do not feel bad or like the jerk here, you did nothing wrong.
You continue to be your beautiful self!
I support you.” The_Fires_Of_Orc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Screw anyone who is not supportive of you being your authentic self.
In regards to regulating your emotions, dispose yourself of that notion.
I honestly think that’s a manipulative tactic drilled into us as children by those who wish to control us. If your emotions don’t lead you to harm others (I mean real harm), then your feelings are valid and don’t require regulation.
“Regulation” only hurts you, in the context of your story.” allurking
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I hope living with your dad is more comfortable. You’re right, that was your home and you should feel safe and like yourself at the very LEAST in your home.
It sounds like you’ve brought up the root of these issues with your mom before, but if you have the chance to discuss everything you’ve said in this post with your mom again and she still chooses her partner, might not be the worst idea in the world to go no contact.” Ciphree
12. AITJ For Refusing To Take In A Stray Cat?
“During the summer, a cat showed up outside our house. We had never seen it before, we didn’t know who it belonged to, or if it belonged to anyone. My brother gave her a name, I’ll just say it was Velma.
She stuck around after that. The neighbors said she was over there too, but she always came back to our house in particular. She’d sit up on the porch at night, wanting to come in.
She’s a really sweet cat. We figured she was someone’s housecat before, either kicked out or run away because she seemed used to humans.
Naturally, we had a conversation about whether or not we should let her in.
From day one, I said I don’t think we should, but I’d contribute to the vet bills if someone else took on the responsibility. We already have a cat and a small dog, we had the cat first and she didn’t adjust well to the dog when we got her.
I work a lot and go to school, so I’m rarely home as it is. I didn’t think I could provide what she needed in terms of appointments and medicine, but I offered to pitch in if someone else would.
I live with my mom and my younger brother (he’s 17), and my sister (27) comes and stays sometimes. My brother and sister wanted to take her in, but my mom rejected this strongly.
It was warm, so Velma sleeping outside wasn’t a huge deal.
My mom would give her cat food since we had it. At the time, I stated this was a bad idea. She rationalized other neighbors were already feeding her, and once the main feeder (an elderly neighbor who has since passed away) went into the hospital, we had to supply her with food from now on.
I didn’t agree with this, if we weren’t going to care for her why would we feed her and get her hopes up? But since it was already happening I wasn’t going to let her starve.
I gave her food when I saw it was empty.
To be honest, she kind of scared me. I have a hard time with some animals, to no fault of their own, especially her.
The fact that she was an outside cat kinda freaked me out… I was respectful towards her, I would talk to her and acknowledge her but I never pet her or anything.
I’ve had outside cats die on me before, and I was devastated. I thought I was protecting myself.
She hurt her paw at one point, and we fed her until she was feeling better.
She still limps, but she walks on it when she needs to, she can still jump and all that.
I could see she was a good cat, and I wanted her to have a home.
I tried to find someone to take her, but my family shot it down, probably for the best. I knew she needed more than what I could give, so unless my mom and brother were willing to take it on, I didn’t feel like I was prepared to provide anything other than money.
I’ve always been vocal about not wanting kids.
I don’t even want pets when I move out. I have pets now, but they’re not mine. I love them, but I don’t want any of my own. I just don’t want any living being to be dependent on me, I don’t want that responsibility.
That’s a choice I made, and everyone was well aware of that.
My brother tried to get her in once. She even got let inside for a few hours, but my mom talked him out of it and made him feel like he couldn’t do it.
I offered to contribute money. Just like I offered this when my sister had her own house and was going to take her. Mom said she wasn’t doing anything for it, and talked my brother out of it, he flaked.
She was back outside.
It got colder. My sister moved back in with us temporarily. We had built a small cat house on the porch to keep Velma warm as best we could, and we kept feeding her.
At this point, I just wanted her to have a warm house. I figured if it was not happening here, I need to find a place for her.
A friend of mine who cared more than I did wanted to take her.
I’ve been to her house, she has many spoiled pets and it would be a wonderful home for Velma. We resolved to take her there, even if it’s just to foster her temporarily until my sister can eventually take her.
I thought this was a good solution.
I thought I helped. But my sister seemed agitated over it, and my friend wanted to talk it out with her. I was present for the conversation, but I was not a part of it.
I don’t think I was ready to hear what I did.
She wasn’t angry that my friend wanted Velma, she was angry that my family didn’t. In her words,
“She came to us in need and trusted us to care for her…
and our solution was to send her elsewhere. We have a cat, and she hides away all day. It wouldn’t have been that much of a hassle. We’ve had two cats before.
We care enough to feed you, we care enough to build a cat house, but we don’t care enough to let you in. I would like to think we were lucky that she chose us.
We could have welcomed her in, and she would have enriched our lives for the better. We had every chance to bring her in, and we half-cared.”
That pretty much summed it up.
It’s not that I don’t care, I just… didn’t want her. As cold as it sounds. When they asked why my main objection to her coming in was sharing my bed if it came to that.
I didn’t want cat hair on it. I had other reasons, but that’s the one I told everyone. I never fought mom for it. Yes, I want her to have a home…
After hearing that, I reflected on myself and changed my thinking. I feel like this was a test of my character and I failed. But that was last night. This morning, my sister drove my friend home with Velma.
I’m happy to report she wasn’t scared, she’s unsure but she’s calm and happy in her new home. I gave $100 to help with the worm medication and vet bills and pledged to give more if need be.
I feel like a jerk.
My friend, mom, and brother don’t think that. My sister might. I do. I feel this way because I thought I already learned this lesson in a different, more serious situation.
I even once said to this friend, and I quote:
“Just because you don’t ask for responsibilities doesn’t mean they don’t find their way to you. It doesn’t mean they’re not there” and yet when presented with the chance to make it right…
I didn’t. I didn’t want to. I learned nothing.
For the first time in what must’ve been 8 years, I cried this morning. I didn’t try to help when I could have, I didn’t want to.
I only cared when it became too late. I’d like to think I have a heart. That, though I generally see myself as a bad person, I will in the end do what’s right.
But I didn’t. I had my chance to prove it, and this is what I chose.
Was I wrong here? Am I a bad person? Did I not owe anything to anyone here, or should I have been more open-minded? Am I just being too hard on myself? I’m hurting today, as I think I should.
Please just give it to me straight.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’re the jerk at all. You made your intentions clear from the start, and it’s okay to not want extra responsibility.
It’s difficult enough for most of us to care for ourselves properly, let alone with added responsibility. I am married with two kids, and we have a dog as well as a cat.
I was slightly against getting either because I knew it would be extra work for me, and I work my butt off. I was convinced and we adopted both within six months of each other.
Since then, I love them both, but I inevitably have had to clean accidents over and over and deal with the stink of a litter box. They do enrich our lives, and I love them, but darn, am I tired of the house stinking.
Basically, what you chose is okay. You ultimately did the right thing and found her a warm home where she will be loved. That’s all that matters. Good on you!” purefunk45
Another User Comments:
“Oh lord, you are NOT the jerk.
Anything but that, you did your best to find this animal a loving, safe, happy, and proper home. You even contributed to help with care, that is more than most people would do!
I have a friend who is fostering cats at the moment and she keeps trying to get me to take one, the thing is I have one and am not prepared for the extra responsibility and do not want a second.
That’s ok. Just because an animal needs a home does not mean it needs to be your home.
You seem like a very kind and caring individual and you did well for Velma.” Dark-Grey-Castle
11. AITJ For Ruining My Daughter's Engagement Party After Her Fiance Insulted My Other Daughter?
“I’m a father of two girls (f23, Olivia) & (f17, Joyce). To give some context, both girls don’t get along that well. They both have different personalities, different everything. Besides that Joyce has multiple health conditions that cause her to faint from time to time.
Olivia thinks that Joyce uses her conditions to keep attention on her but I don’t believe this for a second. Joyce can’t make anything up, especially when she faints. Whether it be at a birthday party or wedding or any other event.
Anyways. Olivia’s then-partner (m24, Kirk) proposed to her recently. Since he still lives with his parents and his parents aren’t approving of the relationship I was asked by him and Olivia to host their engagement party.
My wife agreed on my behalf and started getting everything ready for the party. Of course extended family were invited, It was rather larger than I’d expected.
The party kicked off and Olivia and Kirk kept sitting the entire time.
Joyce was staying upstairs because she said she felt a little sick so we let her. But my brother insisted that she come downstairs and celebrate her sister’s happy occasion, Joyce got dressed and joined us.
I noticed she wasn’t feeling well. I asked her several times if she was okay and she said “yes”. Then minutes later she suddenly fell after she got up from her seat.
We all panicked though she didn’t faint, only reeled off balance for a few seconds. Olivia started mumbling something but Kirk got up and said “Don’t mind her, she’s once again just being an attention-seeking witch”.
I was shocked, I asked him what he said but Olivia got involved and said that he was right and Joyce was trying to steal attention from her that night. I got so mad I called the party off and told them both to get the heck out of my house.
My wife and Olivia freaked out and begged that I let this go and they’d have Kirk apologize for this particular line but I was having none of it and had them leave.
Olivia was crying when they left. My brother jumped to defend her saying I overreacted and Kirk was just mad and misspoke but I told him “Listen, if they’re going to disrespect my daughter in her own house then we’re going to have a problem”.
Everyone left and my wife didn’t stop berating me for doing this and ruining our daughter’s celebration and making her resent us.
I need judgment to know if I overreacted and went too far here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for ending the party, but…
“But my brother insisted that she come downstairs and celebrate her sister’s happy occasion.”
The heck? Joyce tried to stay away, you let her be pressured into coming down. You need to back her in advocating for herself and advocate for her in her absence.
Also, think very hard about why Olivia and Kirk believe Joyce to be attention seeking – have Olivia’s achievements and events been sidelined by your concerns for Joyce’s health?
It’s understandable that this situation has been stressful and difficult to manage, however it is common for siblings of children with complex health needs to feel forgotten or ignored.
Years of that will build resentment.” perfidious_snatch
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You let your younger daughter be pressured into attending despite her not feeling well and your full awareness of the tension between the girls.
I am extremely curious why your oldest daughter thinks the younger one is an attention seeker. Siblings show a side of themselves to each other that parents don’t see.
At any rate, you created the circumstances for this to happen and then overreacted.” Intelligent_Stop5564
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but as an older sister whose younger sister has always been the golden child, I feel for Olivia.
It’s clear as day that you criticize her and make everything centered around Joyce. There’s no excuse for the fiance though, he should have kept his opinion to himself. Although if this has happened a lot in the past, I can understand their frustration.” snikinail
Another User Comments:
“ESH – Your brother for coaxing your daughter down when she wasn’t feeling well.
Your unwell daughter for falling for it, and attending, and even when you gave her an “out” by asking multiple times if she was ok, to continue on.
Olivia for her obviously deep-rooted resentment of Joyce for her medical conditions.
I don’t know if Kirk has seen Joyce have an “episode” before, but at the very least Olivia has pretty obviously fed him a lot of “information” about her sister’s “attention seeking.”
And you on several different fronts.
It sounds based on what you say (and don’t say) here that the attention that you lavish on Joyce has an effect on Olivia, and you are doing nothing to attempt to mitigate that, helping foster her beliefs that Joyce does it “for the attention” because she is getting it, and you seem to care nothing about how this actually impacts Olivia.
How you handled this party. Yes YTJ for completely losing it, and again fostering the motion that you have a child that you favor over the other. Being angry about it, absolutely, that is not why YTJ, that you publicly, lashed out, and ended the party on the spot? You were so outraged that you still don’t seem to realize that your brother was feeling guilty because even he realizes that he set these series of events in motion, and was his fault for doing so. Rather you just kept on raging at Olivia and Kirk.” JayMonster65
10. AITJ For Thinking My Friend Was Unprofessional?
“My best friend has been a beacon in my life for years and was a great example to me of how to be a rock-solid, steady, consistent person. Whenever I had issues, they were there to counsel me through them.
For the sake of this story, I’m going to name my best friend Ryan. Ryan and I along with a group of friends relocated to another city several years ago for professional reasons (we both had separate reasons to go to the same city, and roomed together with a small group of guys in a rented home).
When we arrived in this new place, he started seeing a great girl and they’re now married with one kid and another on the way. I got engaged in the fall and will be getting married in the summer to a girl who is childhood friends with Ryan’s wife.
For the sake of this story, my SO’s name will be Samantha. Ryan’s wife isn’t relevant to the story, I’m leaving her out of this.
Samantha’s dad runs a small business, and for the sake of not identifying myself, I won’t reveal what they do.
It’s not really relevant to the story, it’s just important that you know that these were all relatively close friendships. Samantha’s dad trusted Ryan to manage and run things (think MM business that didn’t require much in the way of personnel).
Samantha handled invoicing and some sales and Ryan handled GM duties and would frequently travel to meet new clients and schmooze potential ones.
I’ll be the first to admit that Samantha’s dad (I’ll call him Rick) is very old-fashioned in the way of business, and is constantly trying to work angles to save and maximize profits.
It’s very off-putting to millennials to do things this way because it’s honestly kind of sleazy, but in the end, no one complained because they were making income. They were so old-fashioned that Rick refused to digitize their books and wouldn’t let anyone else handle accounting.
To save the company and the employees funds, everyone was 1099. No W2s were handed out, which was stated as a major reason by Ryan as to why he did what he did.
Rick also has severe issues trusting people with his business, and Ryan states that he was never really given the freedom to do what he needed to do. Samantha disputes this and claims Rick never came around to check up.
She says there was never smoke where Ryan claimed there was a fire. That’s all minor compared to what happened, so I’ll move on.
After around a year of Ryan working there, Samantha began dropping small comments to me here and there about how Ryan wasn’t doing what he was supposed to.
Rick had required them from the beginning to report on progress every week, and it was Samantha’s job to ensure that Ryan completed them. Samantha would submit her end of the reports every week, and Ryan would never fill his out.
But if Samantha never did her reports, Ryan would chastise her for not completing them. Rick was honestly so busy that he never looked at them anyway unless there was a client issue that he was trying to trace the source of.
I’ll also admit that Samantha was not always perfect in what she did, and sometimes has trouble focusing and following through. Her punctuality also isn’t the best. This was another point of tension for her and Ryan, for which he would chastise her.
However, Ryan also frequently decided to “work from home” some days, which we all know is a fancy way to say “I want to sleep in”.
At this point in the timelines, the company had gotten involved in contracts for a somewhat large business, I’ll call them Black Harbor.
The guy who runs it is a rotten human being (we’ll call him Chad), manipulative and abusive in all of his ways. That’s not a matter of opinion, most of the industry in our town won’t touch him.
He’s radioactive and has a bad reputation for screwing people over. He’s only still in business because he does a ton of government contracting, and can’t get other businesses to work with him (shocker).
I don’t know how Ryan got contracted with them, but he did. It should have set off alarms that they were working together, but for whatever reason, it didn’t.
Back in December, Samantha’s family and I were about to leave for an extended vacation.
To say it had been a stressful year for everyone was a significant understatement, and we were all looking forward to the downtime. As we’re packing our bags the night before the departure, Rick gets a call from Ryan.
Ryan says he’s found another job and quits on the spot. No two weeks’ notice. This is understandably upsetting to Rick, and Ryan follows that gut punch with a bullet to the head – he’s going to work for Black Harbor as a sales director.
Suddenly, all of Ryan’s trips to Black Harbor HQ made sense. Chad had been grooming him to steal him from the company so he could cancel the $500,000+ in contracts and just pay Ryan a salary.
Ryan, who is well-intentioned but I believe severely naive, claimed that wasn’t the case. Rick reminds him that he signed a non-compete and that this was a clear violation. He also reminds him that he would’ve been in the clear if he had waited nine more days, as his contract expired on the first of the year.
Rick goes on to generally blast him for pulling something like this right before Christmas, and right before they were going to leave for vacation.
Ryan quite literally doesn’t understand, even after the two of them sat down and discussed it only a couple of hours later.
I knew Ryan was struggling for money. What he hadn’t told Rick or anyone else was that he’d put in a bid on a house that was rejected because he was 1099 and not W2.
He ran around our circle of friends after he left the company and told people that was a major reason he left. He didn’t bring that up to Rick a single time, orally or in writing.
He never spoke a word of it to Samantha. In fact, the myriad of mostly moronic reasons he brought up to other people to justify his move was never once communicated.
It seems to me that if you’re going to screw people over by leaving a company, you should do it once you’ve established your reasons in writing. Emails, texts, etc. That way you have something to fall back on if you need to ethically prove your case.
We live in an at-will state, and Ryan can leave anytime for any reason.
No one, Rick included, had any issue that Ryan left. It was how he did it. Rick spent well over a year training him, mentoring him, and connecting him in the industry, and Ryan took all of that and left for a direct competitor without any warning or negotiation, and took a lot of money with him.
He also fails to understand how Black Harbor was gaslighting him the entire time he was working with them on contracts and resents the idea that they’d do that despite Chad’s clear track record.
All in all, the time I wanted to spend with my family several hours away had to be cut several days short due to Samantha having to help put out the massive fire that this became.
Hundreds of thousands of dollars in contracts were gone. The company has recovered only after Rick threatened to sue over the non-compete, and Chad at Black Harbor reinstated the contracts he attempted to back out of.
Chad claims not to have known that Ryan quit so soon, and was waiting for his employment contract to expire. In general, it’s just a bad look on Ryan.
And now, after Rick has gone through Ryan’s email account, it’s become clear that a great deal of communications with Black Harbor was happening off the record.
They’d reach a point in discussions to where Ryan would ask to move the conversation to another email account. That’s sketchy in itself, but what’s also curious is that Rick never knew that Ryan was paying so much attention to Black Harbor that the company’s smaller clients were getting practically no attention.
Multiple smaller clients dropped the company’s services because their emails were going unanswered, which was Ryan’s responsibility. He told no one about this.
Every time we’ve talked to Ryan about it (he’s always the one that brings it up), he claims “I just had to do what was right for me and my family”.
Are we the jerks? The whole situation seems insanely unprofessional to me, and every time we confront him with how we feel, we’re told, “I see where you’re coming from, and I don’t agree.” There was no warning that this was coming to ANYONE and there was no communication whatsoever about Ryan’s frustrations.
However… he’s convinced he made the right move.”
Another User Comments:
“No one is a jerk here.
I can completely see why Ryan was upset about being kept as a contractor when in fact he was acting as an employee.
I contracted at a place that did something similar to lighten the burden of employees on the books but I was informed that it was completely illegal in that state to do so.
They were playing roulette with the tax man and I don’t know how it ended up for them.
Maybe Ryan is taking the “gig” nature of his job too far and thinking he can just bail for a better offer.
Luckily for Rick, he had that non-compete in the contract but honestly, he could have offered him the security of a real job with prospects instead.
For Ryan to jump ship with no notice at Christmas with only 8 days before his contract ended was shortsighted and very inconvenient for his employer but Rick could have let him go then, too, however.
I voted no jerks here because I think that everyone in the story was a little jerkish to each other (with Chad an obvious scoundrel) but not to the degree that ESH.” f_me_blue
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he is doing what he thinks is right for his family, but it totally screwed Rick’s business.
It was a selfish decision, though that does happen in business. It’s kinda where the saying “it’s just business” comes from. Because sometimes these things seem cold as heck.
Ryan is totally a jerk. You guys have the right to be mad.” CeleryRoot1983
9. AITJ For Asking My Friend To Pay For Damages?
“So, this happened around July last year and goes on for about 3 months.
So my best friend at the time and I decide that we want to pursue a big dream of ours of getting our motorcycle licenses and buying our first bikes.
So, I immediately go and get my learner’s license within the month (I live in AUS which has a graduated license scheme for motorbikes called LAMS, important for later on). To begin with, we both get these two dinky little 125cc runabouts but they soon become too slow for our needs of getting to work and blasting back roads.
So I decided to bite the bullet and go and buy a brand new KTM RC390 ($6,000) with some financial assistance from my parents.
They bought the bike outright and I paid them back $500 a week till I paid off the bike. This is the majority of my pay for that time so it was such a good feeling when it was paid off.
And I enjoy the heck out of it for the next couple of months, loved every second of having it.
My mate sees this and decides that he needs a bigger bike as well, he then proceeds to buy a full-blown dirt bike (Yamaha WR450F) with the intention of putting road tires on it.
This doesn’t happen.
Another important detail in this is that I also own a car and have my full license and he does not have either, so his only option is to ride his bike, on knobby dirt tires.
As you can imagine this is not the safest option for riding on the roads. After a couple of months, he asks me if he could borrow my bike to go and visit his parents, who live about 100km away.
There was a chance of rain that weekend and he wanted the security of the road tires and ABS that my bike had. I of course said yes.
Over the next couple of weeks, he asks me again, citing bad roads, weather, etc.
And me not thinking anything of it say sure you can borrow it for the weekend. It gets to the point that he is using the bike so often that it lives at his place for a week or two at a time.
At first, I didn’t really think anything of it, but after a while I began to feel taken advantage of and asked for the bike to be returned. For some context, at the point where I had asked for it back, the bike had 7,500km or there about on the odometer, of which only 2,500km of those were ridden by me.
And whenever I got the bike back it would always be dirty and he never offered to service the bike. But it always had a full tank so props to him.
Jump to July last year and two main things come up.
I am about to fly out of the country to attend a wedding in England for a few weeks, and my learner license is expiring in a few days. In AUS you have 12 months from receiving your L’s to then go for the next level of license your red P’s before it expires and you have to retake the L’s course.
In a combination of bad organization and lack of confidence riding because I haven’t ridden my bike all that much I hadn’t gone for my reds. So before I leave my mate asks if he can use my bike while I’m away since I won’t be using it, things were a bit strained between us at this point cause of other issues, but I agree on the proviso that he takes it in for a service seeing as he’s used the bike for so long.
About two weeks into my 4-week trip I get a message from him, he’s been in an accident on my bike.
Wasn’t his fault he assures me but someone clipped him going around a roundabout. I never hear the full story but the damage wasn’t that bad, broken clutch lever and gear peg, so I don’t think much of it.
At this point, I’ve decided that I’m taking the bike back after it’s been serviced and he can find some other way to get around. So, I get home 2 weeks later and ask him if he’s had the bike serviced, no he hasn’t.
I tell him that I need it done as soon as possible as I’m going to get my license again and frankly, I’m sick of him mooching off me. He agrees and tells me it’s booked in for a service next weekend.
At this point, I should mention that we work together at the same job and that’s where some of the other issues are coming from.
I won’t go into detail but in short, he was not in anyone’s good books at the company and a few people were refusing to work with him. Anyway, I get to work the Monday after the bike is supposed to have been serviced, haven’t heard from my friend all weekend.
My boss comes up to me and asks if everything is ok with said friend and if he is alright. I have no idea what he’s talking about and he then informs me that my ‘mate’ has been in a serious accident on Friday.
Keep in mind it’s a fairly small company I work for and most of the other staff are on the same site.
Also, most of them have heard about the accident already.
I was the last person to find out, so I ask if he’s alright. Oh yeah, he’s fine, just a fractured arm, nothing too bad, but the bike’s messed up. Turns out most of the guys on site had pictures of the accident, I only found out there was an accident 5 minutes ago.
Now I’m not normally given to losing my temper but finding this out secondhand was too much for me and I snapped, in front of everyone. I sent him a message asking him what the heck was going on and didn’t get an answer.
I call my dad and have a massive rant over the phone about it and ask what I should do. He tells me to take a walk and that he will sort it out, he and the father of my friend know each other from way back and he says he will call him.
The next day I get a message from my friend finally, he gives me a sap story about how it wasn’t his fault and it was someone else, etc., I think expecting some sympathy from me.
I was still irate at having found out second hand 3 days after the fact so I ask him why didn’t you call me and let me know what had happened, why did I have to find out from the people we work with about what happened?
He responds with, oh I sent you a text but it mustn’t have gone through.
I’m pretty angry at what I deemed a half-hearted excuse so I don’t reply for fear of saying something stupid. Now the bike did not have insurance on it at the time because I wasn’t able to afford it, but there was an agreement that “you break it you buy it” whenever we used each other’s stuff.
I get in touch with his dad and say that I wasn’t involved in the accident and have no details, your son needs to sort this out and find a way to repay me the value of the bike, whether that be out of his own pocket or through the courts.
He agrees immediately because he has seen his son use my bike basically every weekend and doesn’t think it’s fair for me to take a hit like that when I wasn’t using it.
This has been a lot longer than I expected so I’ll cut to the chase, after a number of back and forths between me and my friend, in which I tell him I don’t care how you pay me back the value of the bike but that’s your problem to deal with.
He comes back and says that there is nothing he can do through the courts and I need to pursue this on my own. At this point, it has been 3 months since the accident and I don’t have any details of any kind so I can’t effectively plead a case in court.
After 3 months of this, I’m tired of it and decide to drop it after losing my best mate and a number of other friends in that circle because I couldn’t stand to be around him.
So I ask am I the jerk in this? Should I have dealt with it differently? I’ve tried to be as impartial as possible with the info but at the end of the day I’m human and I can only see it through my own lens.”
Another User Comments:
Your friend sounds like a mooch, and if I were you I wouldn’t have let him use my bike that much, but it seems you guys had a solid arrangement for a while there.
As a suggestion, go to his father, get him to pay you, as he seems to understand, and have your “friend” pay his father back instead. As for the rest of your friends, I don’t think you should drop them over this.
Also, see if you can get the details of the accident from a police report, or the equivalent of where you live. If you can get that you might have a legal basis to start from in your case against him.” MyUsernameIsFree
8. AITJ For Taking My Husband's Car To Get To My Shift?
“I (f33) am a nurse, I have a very very busy schedule. It’s been absolutely crazy the past couple of years. My husband (m36) works an office job and because he’s a family-oriented type of guy, he always hangs out with his family.
His family lives on a ranch in the middle of literally nowhere. It’s a hassle to go there and due to my work nature, I don’t go to most of their functions, I do however make sure to attend the big ones.
Last week, his family wanted to host a BBQ party. He wanted me to go with him so badly since all his brothers were bringing their wives and since they mocked him for coming alone in the past.
I said sorry but I had a shift to cover. He begged, suggested I swap shifts with other nurses who are my friends, and even called them all to beg them to cover for me.
I grew irritated and told him to stop it. He sulked for a whole day then dropped it.
In the morning, and hours before my shift I discovered that my car’s tires were out of air.
My husband offered to drive me to the hospital at 4 pm and I agreed. I got ready and we got in the car but instead of taking me to the hospital, he drove me straight to his family’s ranch.
I was dumbfounded and angry after he said he tricked me into attending this BBQ and that I had to suck it up and sit this shift out. I was so mad I didn’t know what to say.
We got to the ranch and I sat outside fuming. I waited and saw I still had time to make it to the hospital if I figured out a way to get there.
I watched my husband go inside leaving his keychain next to me (right where he was sitting). I took it and rushed to the back where all cars were parked, got into the car, and drove off.
His dad saw me and told him. He started calling my phone relentlessly til I turned it off. I got to the hospital in time but didn’t dare turn my phone on til it was past 8 pm.
I opened it and saw tons of angry messages from him berating me calling me horrible and a manipulator. I got on the phone with him and he yelled about the awful stunt I pulled and bailing from the party and making him look bad in front of his family.
He then calmed down and said that he now knows that work is more important to me and that he won’t ever trust me after I basically stole his car and ran with it.
We’ve been on terrible terms since then. His family is also mad but I haven’t spoken to them about it yet nor clarified anything. AITJ for what I did? I was desperate and worried that missing my shift might cost me my job.”
Another User Comments:
I’m sorry, he called YOU manipulative?! The person that LIED TO YOUR FACE to get you to do what he wants to do.
On top of this, he prioritizes HIS LEISURE TIME over your career.
Don’t you dare apologize to him. Feel free to leave him.
I’m assuming it was him that let the air out of your tires, too?! You need to get away from this guy.” WolfStar349
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry I’m sure I’ll get downvoted into oblivion.
I’m a nurse too and you both suck. ESH. He shouldn’t have kidnapped you, that is very controlling and uncaring of your time but you made no attempt to attend an event that was obviously important to him.
Are you one of those nurses that pick up extra all the time? You said shift to cover. Nurses work 3 twelve usually. Is it different where you work? Cause that is PLENTY of time to attend more family events with him if you’re not picking up too many extra days like you’re the only nurse that can save everyone.
I know there’s a shortage. But you can still say no. It sounds like you’d rather work than be with your husband or family so if that’s the case why are you still together and was he doing this out of desperation for your attention or has he always been an inconsiderate jerk? Either way, why do you stay?
How far away is his family’s place? You said it’s a hassle to get to but you were able to get there and back in time for work starting at 4 pm.
Do you not like his family? Do you not like him?
I know people are siding with you because your husband overstepped in a weird controlling way which is why he also sucks, but I’ve known plenty of nurses that just work work work like staffing the hospital is solely their responsibility.
If it’s harming your marriage and home life you need to take a step back. If work is more important to you then you need to reevaluate your relationship.” shanbie_
Another User Comments:
“OMG, NTJ! If we’re looking for someone who’s horrible and a manipulator, it would be your husband.
The fact that he thinks you’re in the wrong is troubling. What did he think you were going to do, suck it up? I’m assuming he also let the air out of the tires on your car.
He’s a master manipulator. Even worse is that he’s pulling this crap when you’re a nurse. Does he expect that you missing work is not a problem? Unfortunately, I would have trouble staying married to someone so manipulative.” ClothesQueasy2828
Another User Comments:
I know first instinct is to say NTJ and call for divorce, but think a conversation is needed between you two so you can be on the same page.
More info is needed on why you need to work so much (saving for trips, you just love your job, hate an inlaw, etc..) and I only say this because he should be aware of why you are sacrificing family time so much.
As you said, family is big for your husband and I would imagine spending time with you there as well is important to him regardless of his brothers needling him about your absence.
Now, he is a big jerk for the actions he took and his reaction when he went rogue and essentially kidnapped you, but I think it was a cry out to you that he wants you to be a bigger part of that.
However, adults and couples talk this out and don’t react like a 12 yr old child. I would also make sure he understands how damaging to your job his actions were, does he not like you working at all?! Or is this really about family time?
You are the little jerk here.
I can only imagine how crazy the nursing world has been over the last few years, but you picked up the shift. Maybe this was done prior to knowing about the BBQ, but it sounds like if given prior knowledge of “non-major” family events you could make them. Why not compromise and offer to go to one function a month? Or an amount that works for you both.
Good luck.” Seriouly_UnPrompted
7. AITJ For Giving A Wedding Gift 3 Months Later?
“Backstory: So I have a friend who is a coworker of mine and we’ve known each other for about 3 years now. We got along right away and although he is a work friend I consider him to be a friend outside of work too.
When we first started working together we had the same role. About a year ago I received a promotion and am now technically his boss. He had been with his partner (now wife) for a long time – I think like 9 years or something? – and they got engaged shortly after we met.
I was invited to the wedding with a +1 for my SO, and it was super far advanced notice (like 8 months maybe) so I had plenty of time to request days off of work, RSVP to the wedding, and get a gift.
I took the time off of work immediately and set a calendar event and multiple reminders on my phone. My first screw-up is when I received the RSVP in the mail.
I ended up losing it and couldn’t find it for like 4 months. I ended up giving the RSVP via text message about 2 months before the wedding after he reached out and asked about it.
I felt crappy about that but figured it wasn’t a huge deal. My second screw-up is not asking about registry details. I had no clue where they were registered for a wedding gift, and realistically I was too embarrassed to ask them.
Everyone else I know who was going to the wedding was also either a current coworker of mine or a past coworker of mine, and for some reason, I was too embarrassed or ashamed to reach out to any of them for registration details.
So I made the worst decision, which is to make no decision at all. I let it go and pushed it off until the weekend of the wedding.
The wedding was talked about as if it were going to be a huge event, but when we arrived there it was a relatively small venue and there were probably 40-50 people max.
I looked around at the group of coworkers that were there and realized it was a very small group of us. I assumed there was going to be a huge number of us there, as we work with a large team (over 100 people), but it was really just a small group that he considered to be his closest of friends.
That’s when I really started to feel super crappy about the gift thing.
The wedding was really nice. It was an outdoor wedding. The ceremony was nice, everything was beautiful, weather was perfect.
It was a nice wedding. The reception was outdoors too, under this really big tent thing. There was an open bar, the food was decent, and the staff was hilarious (it was a family-owned farm and the owners were there and they were both characters).
Once everyone got settled into their meals, after the speeches and normal wedding stuff, that’s when people started to mingle. I’m pretty socially awkward and my SO doesn’t really know anyone so I’m left to be the leader.
I didn’t interact with my friend or his wife for a while into the wedding, because I didn’t want to interrupt their meal or surround them. They were already being bombarded with other family members and I just felt like I would be a bother, so I wanted to wait for a time where I didn’t feel as if I was interrupting.
We ended up connecting and taking some pictures and chatting for a bit – he seemed really excited to have us both there but was also running around like crazy, as I would expect from a groom at his wedding.
My SO and I don’t really know his wife very well so we didn’t connect with her until later in the evening, but she is very nice and we chatted for a little while.
She was mostly on the dance floor all night.
The venue had on-site lodging, kind of like a huge cabin with lots of cool loft things and tucked away bunk beds. Every one of my friends/coworkers who attended the wedding – with the exception of 1 person – stayed over at the venue.
Realistically I could have stayed, but weddings really stress me out and I’ve been struggling a bit with my work/life perception outside of my work environment now that I am these people’s boss.
I don’t want to let any confidential information slip or get into any gossip sessions about coworkers, or make a fool of myself and lose respect in the workplace. So we didn’t stay the night and ended up leaving close to 11.
We were leaving on the earlier side of most guests, but we lived about an hour away from the venue and didn’t want to be driving too late at night.
After the wedding, I was still feeling anxious about the gift and not really knowing what to do.
As far as my SO was concerned I had purchased something from the registry and all was good. I was even more ashamed to reach out to someone for information, as the wedding had already passed.
I ended up ordering something online for them a few days after the wedding. I really think they will enjoy this gift and it’s something I know they will use all the time (it’s a kitchen/baking item).
Unfortunately, the item I purchased was on backorder for 2-3 weeks. Not a huge deal I thought, normally it would have arrived in 1 week so what’re a few extra weeks? They’ll be on their honeymoon anyways, right? Well the gift continued to be pushed back – last I heard the delivery date was supposed to be the end of November but I still have not received a shipping date.
I’ve reached out to the company and we are in communication – I seem to have just ordered at the wrong time. Either way, it doesn’t help my situation or my anxiety.
We haven’t talked since the wedding, and although we still work together we are currently in different buildings so I don’t see him but we will eventually work in the same building again and I want to resolve any issues before that happens.
I sent him a text about a week ago letting him know the situation with the gift, that I was very sorry about the delay, and that my SO and I had a wonderful time at the wedding (realistically I should have said that the day after the wedding but I didn’t), and that I hope we could hang out soon.
He hasn’t responded.
I guess my reason for writing all this is because I’m worried that I’ve been a huge jerk and that I’ve ruined a friendship. I’m also worried about how we will interact at work now if he is upset with me.
I don’t want a negative perception of me to be spread around the workplace either, and I know he likes to gossip. I’ve already gotten some negative vibes from this one girl who was at the wedding, but I don’t know if it’s all in my head or if it’s real.
I’m torn between whether or not I should text him again, or if I should just wait until the gift gets here before reaching out again. Either way, I feel like a jerk about it and I’m wondering if other people were in this situation if they’d have the same feelings.
AITJ for not getting a gift on time or communicating this better?”
Another User Comments:
Don’t get too in your head. I know a lot of customs around weddings are a dying thing but tradition is you wait a year after a wedding to send the gift.
Also, I couldn’t tell you who didn’t give us a gift when we got married. It’s a nice thing to do and customary, but (and I know this is just my opinion) I don’t care. We invited people because we like them and wanted to celebrate with them, not to milk them for a new vacuum or a nice bedspread.” SnausageFest
6. AITJ For Dropping My Close Friend As A Business Partner?
“I have this friend, John, whom I’ve been friends with for about 20 years. I talked with a mutual friend of ours, Tom, recently. Tom, who is also a current customer of mine (John brought him to the business) said that John had some sort of breakdown at his most recent job waiting tables.
He kept oversleeping and was missing/coming in late for shifts, so he went on work disability for stress.
Tom said that John blames me for this because after all he did for the business, I forced him out as a partner.
I didn’t get into specifics with Tom, so I just told him it was either end the partnership or close the business down. Shutting down would cause my customers a good amount of harm because there’s a chance they’d incur additional expenses with reconfiguring their current equipment.
At the very least, it would be a pain to switch.
I initially started this business with $40k of my own money. John had no money, but he promised to handle weekly system maintenance and customer support.
I would handle sales & marketing and operations, and we would split onboarding new customers. At the right time, I would get my initial $40k back plus a reasonable % return based on profits.
Everything else we would split 50/50 since we split the workload 50/50.
John brought Tom and one other business as customers. I was going through a horrible divorce (to the point where my ex was filing false police reports in an effort to get full custody), and I wasn’t bringing in new customers like I needed to.
John floated the company anywhere from $20-$200 for several months to keep checks from bouncing.
All told, his floats totaled about $4k. When I got back on track, I paid John back by giving him a bigger percentage of the fees we charged from onboarding new customers until he was square.
While he was floating the company funds, I noticed that John wasn’t handling customer support or system maintenance.
He wouldn’t log into the system for weeks or months at a time, if at all. If customers contacted us for support, he immediately asked me for help. He would say he didn’t know the system as well as I did, so after helping him (and the customer) I gave him the resources I studied to learn the system for him to study.
He continued to ask me for help every time a customer called, and admitted he hadn’t studied anything when I asked him.
It was a choice between enabling him and helping the customer or potentially losing business.
Admittedly, I got upset with him after one incident in which he blew up my phone while I was meeting with a potential client. When I didn’t answer, he called the client’s office explaining that there was a support emergency and he needed me.
He called right when I was explaining to said potential client how stable and reliable our systems were, and how we had enough personnel to handle any problems they had.
After this incident, there were two or three other times when upset customers were calling me directly saying they had sent emails and left voicemail messages several days ago without a response.
I would confront John about this, and he said he had responded and left messages, but they never got back to him. He would then immediately contact them with me present and tell the customer he left messages.
The customer would then second-guess themselves, and John would end up handling the issue.
About a year after I straightened out my personal issues and after he had been paid back, he was still slacking on his share of work.
After another of these complaints, I checked the company email logs. The customer had sent an email that was forwarded to John. However, John had never responded. The only thing I couldn’t tell was if John had called the customer or used his personal email address.
I then checked the system, and maintenance hadn’t been done at that point for about 9 months. I took screenshots and copied logs to document everything.
I took him to lunch and brought up the subject, and I said that I felt like I was doing about 98% of the work but only getting paid 50%.
It was taking time away from finding new business, and delaying getting my $40k plus return back as we agreed. John acknowledged I was doing the majority of the work and that he had been slacking, but he said that he floated the company when I was having personal problems.
He also said (and I quote), “And how about all of the customers I brought in?”
I reminded him that the company paid him back but I haven’t gotten anything beyond distributions.
I also said, “You mean Customer A and Customer B? One who’s your best friend from high school?” I then proposed two options. 1) we end the partnership now, become competitors, and keep the customers we each brought on.
2) I temporarily take an 80% share and give back 5% per month to him for every month that he meets work milestones. He could even start the milestone list and be in charge of editing it until we finally agreed on it.
John proceeded to comment that both choices were unfair, and countered with me getting 60%.
I said to John that since he acknowledged I was doing about 98% of the work, did he honestly think that I should only get 60% of the profits, and would he agree to that if the roles were reversed? He then said he was only agreeing to option 2 out of our friendship.
I wrote up an agreement, we both signed it, and he promised to get the milestone list together in a week.
Two months later, after asking multiple times for the milestone list, and John either saying “next week” or not responding, I got a call from our biggest customer.
They had called and emailed three days in a row and nobody returned their call. They called because their service was not working consistently, but now it wasn’t working at all.
I logged into the system and saw the problem. The particular server’s script that clears cache files stopped working, and disk space was almost out. Deleted the cache, rebooted the system, customer’s working again.
I checked the system log files, and John hadn’t logged into the system one time since we switched to the 80/20 agreement.
I immediately texted him to call me regarding something urgent about our biggest customer. He called me the next day.
I told him what happened with our customer and that I handled it.
He expressed relief and said, “I wish they had called sooner.” I said, “speaking of which, I have something to show you.” I texted him the screenshots of the system logs, email logs, and call logs, and the list of cache files on the server.
I explained that this was what the problem was, and luckily, it was a quick fix. John then said that he couldn’t see exactly what caused the problem.
I said that he hadn’t logged into the system in over two months.
I also said that log screenshots showed that the customer had called and emailed, but they got no response. It also showed that the calls were forwarded to his phone. I then said that things weren’t working out, and we can’t be business partners anymore.
If he wanted the business he needed to buy me out of my $40k plus 80%, or I could cut a check for his 20% share so he’d be out. Either way, he needed to decide in 7 days, or I would hire an attorney to figure it all out.
I said that I hoped we could still be friends, but I would understand if he didn’t want that. John gets very upset, says some words that I don’t remember, and hangs up on me.
He texted me the next day saying he was giving up his 20%, and he didn’t want any money.
He said he valued friendship over the business, unlike me, and that this was all my plan to steal the business from him.
I saved the texts until I sent him an agreement to relinquish his shares and he signed it.
Recently, John texted me randomly, saying that he couldn’t believe how I could do this to his friend and how he stuck by my side. I said that I felt the same about him: how could a friend promise to do his share of the business but not do any of it? He then responded that I was a jerk.
I deleted the texts and blocked his number because screw him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s beyond incompetent, he was actively damaging the business through his inaction. Him trying to use the friend card after he failed to put in the bare minimum of effort is just a deflection to distract from what a crappy businessperson he is.
You’ll be better off without him and if it destroys the friendship, I’d say no great loss there.” P_Flange
Another User Comments:
But for future reference, always be careful mixing friendship and business/money. Just because you really like someone in their personal life doesn’t mean that they aren’t an incompetent jerk in their professional life.” -Strawdog-
5. AITJ For Dropping My Thesis Partner Even Though He Had An Excuse For Not Doing Any Work?
“I am currently in my 4th year of university (online setting still) taking up chemistry and am taking up my thesis. As per our department, we can only work in pairs at the most.
So naturally, you’d want to be with someone who shares the workload with you. I, unfortunately, do not. My partner since we were grouped has not been very active, if at all.
He’d come online for maybe a few times a day and then be gone for the next 4-5 days with no explanation. At first, it ticked me off, but I didn’t give it much thought, as our defense was set on the 5th of July.
And so I just kept reminding him which parts we needed to tend to, which ones required more attention etc. Whenever he replied he said “Yeah sure.” “Got it.” And yet nothing he said ever followed through.
And when he did put in work, it disappointed me so much. You’d think that he could at least put in proper citations. But I was patient, I thought that maybe he was going through something, and he never opened up or told me anything, so I just assumed that he needed time for himself.
But the workload eventually started taking its toll on me. I couldn’t rest properly, I couldn’t do the things I normally do, because I didn’t want to “waste” time and pour it all into work instead.
Even sleeping became a task for me. I hated my routine, but I just kept pushing on, for my future. I tried several more times to contact him to no avail, and I just got sick of it.
Fast forward to today and the paper still isn’t done, I’ve talked to my adviser and professor regarding him, and they’ve considered having me do the thesis solo, with adjustments of course.
I was fine with this of course. And would you know it, he just pops in, and says sorry for not helping. He says that his family member died and that he didn’t want to use the death as an excuse, so he didn’t tell me.
I talked to him and said I wasn’t changing my mind, and that I dropped him, I don’t even want to deal with him right now, my mental health these past few weeks has been worse than I could remember ever.
Was I too harsh on him? I know he’s grieving right now, but I just can’t let him get a grade when he’s practically done nothing.
EDIT: I have decided to push through with dropping my partner, and am in the process of signing up with a new partner who was more than willing to contribute.
I’ve turned my thesis in and am hoping everything goes well in the defense!”
Another User Comments:
There was nothing stopping him from at least letting you know he had a family problem.
What little amount of work he did was sub-standard and that would have hurt your reputation as well as your defense plan.
The only thing you did wrong, OP, was to carry him as long as you did.
Absolutely do not reinstate him as your thesis partner, you don’t need his reputation or his work ethic to shadow your academic career or future positions. A thesis is a huge investment of time and effort, and you want to have it perfect.
He was preventing you from doing your best work, in addition to not doing his part. Why should he get credit for the thesis that you did for him?
Also, there is the question that he might be inventing an excuse.
For him to show up now, when you are almost finished, is the act of a free-rider. I’m sure he’d like to free-ride his way to a thesis credit, but you are under no obligation to give him half the credit for the work you did.
And there’s the factor that what he put in was not acceptable.
Here’s hoping your thesis defense goes well (without him dragging it down) and that you pass with flying colors.” KatsEye68
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all.
He dropped the ball, and even if his story about a dead relative is true (which I wouldn’t take as the full truth), he didn’t do the work and therefore doesn’t deserve the consideration.
If he was having issues, it was his responsibility to communicate with you and with the professor about the challenges that he was facing.
Hopefully, he’s learning that lesson, and you’re getting things back on track for yourself.” Rockingduck-2014
Another User Comments:
So it is like July 3rd and yall are presenting in 2 days which is super short notice.
In the future, you should address problems sooner. I read that you did talk to him repeatedly but he never followed through. After him not following through the first time, threaten to drop them (or whatever consequence you find appropriate).
This is the important part! You have to follow through with those consequences so your partner understands the gravity of the situation. He didn’t follow through and you didn’t push his hand.
You could have dropped him sooner and then had a better picture of your workload which would have reduced stress.
On the flip side, he might have stepped up and you would have had way less stress. You aren’t a jerk but you could definitely have handled it better to reduce your stress!” Working_Mastodon8413
4. AITJ For Telling My Wife That I'm Not Obligated To Treat Her Kids The Same As My Own?
“So I (51m) have 2 children, a daughter (17) and a son (19). My wife (49f) also has a daughter (18) and a son (16) from a previous marriage. My wife and I have been married for 9 years and have been together for 10.
My ex-wife and I are on good terms, even though we are not together and are technically not a family anymore, we still do everything as a family. I have a lot of respect for my ex-wife and still love her as the mother of my children.
My ex-wife is a very wealthy woman, she comes from a wealthy family, she is also a lawyer and earns well. My ex-wife provides our children with anything they want, my kids have everything they’ve ever wanted.
She especially buys my daughter expensive purses and clothing. I would personally never buy my daughter an $8,000 bag, but if their mom wants to do that, she can do as she pleases.
My daughter is turning 18 on August 23, she wants a new car for her birthday, it just so happens to be a Mercedes. I couldn’t contribute half of the cost of the vehicle, but I contributed a third.
My daughter knows she’s getting a Mercedes for her birthday and told my stepdaughter about her birthday gift. My stepdaughter got upset and told my wife. My wife got angry with me because according to her my stepkids feel left out.
They always see my children with expensive items or watch them receive expensive gifts and she finds that unfair. I argued that they didn’t receive these items from me but from their mother and her family.
My children are allowed to walk with these things. She argued back saying that I’m contributing to buying them. That I’m a massive jerk for making such big financial decisions without her knowledge.
She yelled at me, telling me I’m treating her kids unfairly, because my ex-wife can afford to buy a car without my help and that I could’ve helped buy my stepdaughter a car and that it’s unfair my daughter has two cars and my stepdaughter has none.
She lastly told me I’m treating my stepchildren unfairly and I’m favoring my children over hers. She finds it tasteless and inappropriate to have my children walk around with expensive items, while her kids don’t get a crumb from me.
I simply just told her that my son and daughter are my only obligations in life. They’re my kids and if I want to help their mom buy a gift for them I should be able to.
When it comes to my kids, I can make any financial decision I want. That is between their mother and me, it doesn’t involve her. That also goes for her, it’s between her and their father.
She told me I’m a coward and a jerk for treating her like a side dish and not stepping up as their father figure while knowing the situation with their dad.
I told her, I have it together with their mom and it’s her own responsibility to have it together with their dad. That it’s not my obligation to treat her kids the same as my own, in regards to expensive gifts.
She told me to screw off and we haven’t spoken since, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh boy… you lost me at the last part. OK, first off, you are MARRIED. Your finances are 100% your wife’s business.
Secondly, you are majorly a jerk for telling her your only obligations in life are your kids. You are married and have stepkids that live with you. You sound like you are still clinging to your first marriage and family.
YTJ and get your head out of your butt.” DogRescueLady
Another User Comments:
“I’m going against most on here and saying NTJ. These are his STEP kids and they have a bio Dad and Mother who are financially responsible.
He has BIO kids with his ex Wife. She happens to be well off. How is it his problem that his Wife and her Ex can’t provide the way his Ex can? He does take care of the stepkids.
Sounds like they aren’t lacking in anything aside from luxury items they see the other kids get. Was he aware when they married that he was responsible for all their expenses? Not just daily needs but also any and every other expense they want or claim to need? Will that not cause issues with his bio kids in the future? I’m sure it will.
His wife and bio Dad are responsible for THEIR kids’ extra items. When my kids need something extra I speak to their bio Dad NOT my Husband. Don’t let these people shame you OP.
What your daughter has with the purses and cars is irrelevant. Sounds like she would have them with or without your contribution but you are being a good Dad and doing what you can.” Beneficial-Pen-5459
Another User Comments:
Not because of your ex getting kids fancy stuff. It’s not fair but… it’s from their mom. What makes you the jerk is your last paragraph. Surprise, jerk. Your step kids are your obligation too.
You took on the obligation the moment you married their mother. You’re a family too. Start acting like it.” ImpressiveCollar5811
Another User Comments:
“Gonna get backlash but NTJ. Everyone saying he shouldn’t have put money towards his daughter’s car is wrong IMO, imagine how his biological daughter would feel if he was perceived to be spending all his money on his stepchildren and none on his biological ones.
Whether or not their mother can afford it on her own is irrelevant…he has as much responsibility to buy, or contribute to his daughter’s birthday gift regardless, and as long as it is affordable.
I agree his finances are his wife’s business too but that doesn’t mean she gets to dictate where and how every penny they have as a couple goes. His wife will be prioritizing her biological children in the same way he does.” [deleted]
3. AITJ For Hooking Up With A Friend?
“So here is some context of the last seven years: Two good friends of mine, let’s call them Jenny and Thomas. Around the time that we were 13, Jenny and I were seeing each other.
Nothing really happened, it was more of a teenage-angst-“no one understands me but you” thing really. Anyways when we broke up that didn’t really go down too well as we were in the same group of friends and Jenny tried to win the break-up by including but not limited to flirting with my (at the time) best friend Thomas while I was trying to pick up my emotional pieces.
The two of them eventually started going out when we were around sixteen. I wasn’t hurt by that – I eventually had become friends with Jenny again and Thomas and I were pretty much best mates.
They broke up after half a year or so, and while Thomas and I still went to the same school, Jenny moved cities. In the following year, we didn’t really have a lot of contact while she and Thomas remained friends and grew pretty close again.
Now even though we had only been together for 4 months I think, it was a really intense breakup as we were the kind of friends that would talk about everything before even seeing each other.
Our friendship never really recovered from the breakup and it was always kind of awkward between us. Thus when she moved away, in a way it felt good not having to deal with that anymore.
But well, we were really close at some point and it bugged me that I hadn’t ever been able to express to her how I felt after the breakup and so a year after she moved away I wrote her this big text message, telling her about how I felt after the breakup and saying that I would like (try) to be friends with her.
Fast forward one year, Thomas had to redo a year in school so we didn’t hang out as much anymore. Meanwhile, he and Jenny became friends with benefits. Jenny and I were texting every now and then and she was always one of these people that I just get along with super well, but we still didn’t keep very close contact.
Fast forward another few years: I finished my A-levels and went abroad for a year to see the world and whatnot.
Jenny moved back into the area and she and Thomas remained Friends with benefits. Today I know that she was sleeping with other men and that was okay because they weren’t seeing each other, but Thomas wasn’t.
I think it might be best to describe their relationship as “complicated”, she was into him on an emotional and physical level while he was really only in it for the hooking up and being friends.
During the time that I spent abroad, I thought of Jenny every now and then.
I still really cared for her and her well-being and we texted here and there. She started to be really flirty, which I didn’t really respond to. I knew she wasn’t doing too well, emotionally, and I sometimes had these emotional flashbacks to the teenage-angst times when it felt like we knew each other better than ourselves.
So I wrote this (yet again) long text telling her that I really care for her and that I might be developing feelings for her even though I knew it was ridiculous.
She responded by saying she was feeling the same way, but as I was having some really stressful times abroad we didn’t really talk much after that.
Fast forward to this summer: I came back to my country this June, and when Thomas, Jenny, another friend, and I met for something like a reunion, Jenny and I shared a kiss while intoxicated.
We both knew that was not just an “oopsie-daises I’m intoxicated” kiss even though we made it out to be like that. A couple of weeks later, she went to a different city for a few weeks to prepare for some kind of med-school test.
We texted and talked on the phone and she really wasn’t doing well, building up anxiety and stress. I offered to come by for a visit and when I offered, I really only thought about her having someone to talk to.
I was planning a trip anyways and I thought that I might as well fit in visiting her and then carrying on the next day.
Now, I was hanging out with Thomas a lot around this time.
He would always talk about how he is kinda annoyed by Jenny and that he is willing to end the friends-with-benefits and look for a partner instead. At one point I brought up that Jenny and I had kissed and his response was very much along the lines of “mate go for it, I really don’t care for her”.
During the week that passed before I actually visited her, it became pretty clear that we were gonna hook up that night.
The night that I was visiting her things were starting to escalate, and I brought up Thomas. She told me she wasn’t happy with him and wanted out of that FWB.
I kissed her, things happened, we had a great time and we really felt close. The next day I continued my travels. I felt that it was the right thing to do to tell Thomas, which I did.
I didn’t talk about telling Thomas with Jenny until later. (I know that I am a jerk for that.)
During the next day or so, Jenny and I were texting and it was pretty clear that she would be interested in continuing our hook-up.
Thomas rang up Jenny and said they needed to talk, and he told her his side of the story. She immediately broke off contact with me, later telling me that she felt REALLY hurt by the fact that I just decided that it was over.
She accused me of manipulating her, using her emotional vulnerability, and said that I was a bad man for hooking up with her. I told her that I didn’t wanna do this via text and that I wanted to meet up with her to talk through this whole thing, but she declined.
Maybe a week later I, Jenny, Thomas, and another friend met and the situation hadn’t changed much.
Thomas and I were getting along okay but Jenny was still very angry. We drank a bit and Thomas told me that he was really hurt by the way I handled the situation.
I told him that I was really sorry which I was and also I realized that this was not the time for defending myself.
A couple of weeks later Jenny was willing to talk, so we met and it went really well.
As I mentioned earlier, we always got along really well and understood what the other was trying to say very well. She apologized for some of the things she accused me of and I apologized again for the way I handled the situation.
We both realized that we were attracted to each other still and that if we were to get alone again, we’d probably hook up again. We agreed on not doing that.
She also told me that Thomas really wasn’t okay with the whole situation. Now, Thomas is not a very talkative man when it comes to emotions. He only really talks about emotions when he drinks.
Also, our friendship kinda turned into this thing where you mainly talk about old times and get intoxicated. So at this point, I was cool with Jenny. A week later, we three and another friend met again and Jenny and Thomas announced that they are now seeing each other.
I am 100% cool with that, even though I worry that it might not last too long since Jenny moved countries to study medicine.
The thing that keeps nagging me is the following: It was apparently really easy for Thomas to forgive Jenny.
Thomas and I met to talk a couple of weeks ago and the way he puts things it’s pretty clear that in his eyes, I am the one who slept with his kind of partner.
That I am the only one who brought all of this upon the three of us and that Jenny has very little if any blame.
Am I the jerk for feeling that this isn’t right?
Am I the jerk for sleeping with her in the first place?
How much of a jerk am I for the way I handled the whole aftermath?”
Another User Comments:
“No one is a jerk.
I don’t think anyone here rises to the level of jerk. You all seem to be trying your best to be generous in your attitudes toward each other and succeeding to a higher degree than I imagine most folk would in similar situations.
This indicates that you all must at least be attempting to be fair. There have been a few missteps, but a relatively low amount given the high potential for drama and inherent messiness of the situation.
Some friction is bound to occur. No jerks here.” olenna
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk. From what I got, Thomas seemed a bit not into her but when you had her, he wanted her. Seems like he didn’t really care for her but you did. Yadda yadda, not your fault they overreacted but keep it calm, man.” firesnow69
2. AITJ For Wanting To Take A Vacation Without The Kids?
“My wife and I have 2 kids (2F and 2M). Five years ago, my wife told me when we were trying for a kid that she wanted to quit her job as it was super stressful and she wasn’t able to cope with the stress of both fertility treatment and her job.
I was fine with it then since I wanted her to be happy. However, as time passed, I had to start working harder so that I can get a promotion. I did manage to get a promotion and my salary nearly tripled.
I was previously a backend developer. I did a course on data science, some projects, etc., and got promoted to senior data analyst in a matter of 2 years. We bought a house in a really good neighborhood last year too.
Of course I’m happy about the promotion, salary increment, what this means for our family, etc. but it has also taken a toll on our relationship because we hardly spend any more time with each other.
Money is great but I miss our bond more than ever now that our kids are also growing up.
Back to the current situation, I thought it would be really nice for me and my wife to plan a long trip somewhere.
My job allows me to take multiple casual leaves at a stretch so I can apply for a 21-day holiday. During which, we can go for a long trip (10 days) to Bora Bora just the 2 of us, and spend the rest of my holidays at each of our parents’ homes.
We can leave our kids with my parents while we’re on the trip to Bora Bora. My wife has always wanted to go to Bora Bora so I thought it was the ideal destination.
When I explained my feelings to my wife, she said that she’d been feeling the same way but was hesitant to tell me because I was already stressed at work. And she was super excited about us going to Bora Bora.
However, when I told her that we can leave our kids at my parents’ home since neither of us would want to be behind our kids even on a vacation, she got mad at me and said that I’m willing to abandon our kids for the sake of a trip.
She started to cry and went to sleep in the guest bedroom.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because I get it but let me explain your wife’s reaction a bit…
Your children are aged 2, she is not ready to be gone that long or that amount of distance because 2-year-olds are still very emotionally attached to their primary caregiver/routine and 10 days would likely create some emotional trauma for mom/children even though they are with grandparents.
She loves you, and she wants to spend time alone again but instead of the whole hog at 10 days maybe start with a day trip, then a weekend, then 3 days, etc so that your children/wife/grandparents can build upon the experiences.
If you build this up slowly in the beginning, you will find that 10-day getaways become a yearly norm for you two. And getting away like that sounds super healthy for yall’s marriage.
Good luck.” Weaglewhippd
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. However, I think you & your wife need to have a serious talk about how your family life is going. It sounds like your wife misses you, too, but would most like to spend time with you AND the kids, that what she thinks is most missing is fun family time, not fun couple time.
You have to have both. Or maybe it’s 10 days with your respective families? As a parent of young kids, I never found time in the grandparents’ homes to be that much of a vacation.” YMMV-But
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Parenting is hard work and you never feel like you’re doing the right thing!
Instead of going for 10 days away straight off, build it up gently. So do a day out somewhere just you two, then one night away, two nights, etc until everyone is comfortable with it.
My son is 4 and I’ve never been anxious about leaving him, but would I want someone else to look after him for 10 days? Not really, he’s wild and can be very hard work so it’s more for concern for the other person really.” Flosstopher
Another User Comments:
That’s a lot to expect of your wife. I didn’t go a ten-day stretch away from my kids until they were 7 or 8. Also, once I had kids, I enjoyed experiencing things I love through them.
I bet your wife imagined playing with the kids on the beach. Could you maybe take your parents with you? Then they could watch the kids here or there to give the two of you a break.” Appropriate_Speech33
1. AITJ For Not Wanting My Daughter To Attend Private School?
“My (m35) partner Katherine (f32) and I just moved from California to New England (her hometown) and my daughter, Veronica is about to start school.
We got together 6 years ago and had plans of getting married but this ultimately fell through because I refused to sign a prenup which she and her parents wanted.
I thought that she’d let it go with time but she didn’t so we’ve never gotten married and never combined finances and she does make significantly more than I do but I still pay part of the bills.
Katherine and I have been having some issues for a while and at this point, we’re pretty much just living together for the sake of our daughter, like housemates. We don’t argue and both know that when she’s older, we’ll split for good.
Our little girl’s about to start school and since we moved, we had to pick a new school. I just figured that she’ll go to a normal, public school that’s closest, but it seems that my partner had a different idea.
I will add that Veronica is a very bright little girl, she reads already, and my partner insisted that we have a bilingual nanny so Veronica can be raised multilingual like my partner was.
No issues there.
We went to tour the school and I was shocked, it was a private school, uniforms and all that. I didn’t want my little girl to go there for many reasons some of which are:
- I can’t afford it but Katherine said that she’d pay for it and it’s the same school she’d gone to and it’s fantastic.
- I don’t want my child to become snobby surrounded by all the rich kids.
Katherine said that if I hadn’t noticed Veronica is one of the rich kids but it’s on us to make sure she’s not snobby.
She told me that the school has amazing teachers and she’d hate for Veronica’s progress to be slowed down because public schools can’t focus on individual kids.
She said that the school is overall safer. She’s been hyper-focusing on school safety because of what’s been happening in schools and she says that there’s a lot lower chance of something like this happening in private schools based on stats.
I tried to argue that it’s elitist to assume all public schools are dangerous and she said that she never said that and she just wants what’s best for our daughter.
I said I won’t allow Veronica to go to private school and she’ll go to public school. Suddenly, Katherine’s demeanor changed, she told me that if I wanted to be an involved father, I should’ve thought about this before (I admit, I allowed Katherine to handle everything education and nanny related) and I had no say and she won’t allow me to sabotage our daughter’s education.
I tried to argue more but she left the room and has been ignoring me ever since. I tried to bring the subject up again but she said it’s done and the school fees are already paid.
I saw my family the other day and told them what happened. My brother agreed with me but my sister told me I was in the wrong and the jerk.
AITJ for not wanting my daughter to go to private school?”
Another User Comments:
What do the prenup and y’all not getting married have to do with anything? Other than supporting that you’re a jerk, no one needed to know that. Why does it matter if you can’t afford to send Veronica to private school? Katherine went to the same private school and isn’t a snob so why would Veronica be one?” HollasForADollas
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with YTJ.
Your relationship sounds like a total train wreck and that’s a situation all on its own but taking away better opportunities from your daughter because you think she’ll turn out snobby is kinda ridiculous.
You said yourself that your partner handled your daughter’s education and care and it’s pretty telling that your partner shut you down because she thought you weren’t an involved father.
Your partner is taking your daughter’s education and safety into consideration while choosing this private school.
While your major concern is money which your partner said she’d pay for and that your daughter will turn into a snob.” TheKarolinaReaper
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. How are you expecting this relationship to work long-term anyway? It seems like you and your partner have completely different values, different backgrounds, and different priorities for your daughter, and you’ve never had an actual conversation about any of them.
You partnered up with a rich woman and you have refused to think about what that means for your life and your daughter’s. You don’t know anything about the area you moved to, you don’t know anything about the specific schools in question, and you didn’t bother to get yourself involved in the process of choosing schools in the beginning, but you have a knee-jerk negative reaction to private school because you can’t afford it. If you want this relationship to last you need to stop thinking about just yourself and start thinking about the “we” of your family.” fizzbangwhiz