People Talk About Their Not-So-Obvious "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
12. AITJ For Kicking My Partner's Parents Out Of The Apartment After She Calls Me Names?
“Back in March, his parents decided they wanted to isolate at our apartment. For starters, they never asked. His mother called and TOLD me that they were on their way and to prepare our spare bedroom for them.
I was already apprehensive about them staying with us because his parents have always been EXTREMELY rude to me. They are overly critical of everything I say and do.
They are massive control freaks who feel entitled to always be in charge. So right off the bat, things are miserable. They verbally abuse me daily, tell me what I can and can’t do in my own apartment, and are overall just the WORST.
Out of everything, the air conditioning caused the biggest debacle. Where I live it has been 85-90 almost every day. I normally keep my air on 70, but when they started complaining, I turned the air up to 75.
This is already a little toasty for me, but I was willing to be a little hot to try to keep the peace. This was not good enough for them.
They don’t want the air on. Period. They want the HEAT on. And they turn it on every single opportunity they get. I wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat.
I have told them to stop COUNTLESS times. Yesterday I finally cracked. I put about 10 pieces of duct tape over the thermostat with a note attached that said ‘Do NOT touch the thermostat while I am at work’.
6 pm I walk into my apartment and am automatically HIT by a hotter and more humid heat than it is OUTSIDE. Duct tape and note have been torn off the thermostat and they have the heat on 98 degrees.
I go into the guest room and say ‘Why could you not follow the simple instruction of DO NOT TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT. This is my home. I am tired of you saying rude things to me.
I am tired of you treating me like a child and creating your own rules for MY apartment. You either need to be respectful towards me and learn to accept my boundaries or go back to your own house.’ His mother said and I disdainfully quote, ‘You have no right to barge in here without knocking.
That was not only an invasion of privacy but you need to take the attitude out of your tone. I’ve dealt with much bigger witches than you before.’ She went on for 30 minutes and I just tuned her out.
When she was done talking I told her to get out.
Now my partner is angry with me because I couldn’t just let them have their way. He wants me to call his mom and apologize but I don’t think I should have to.
I may have been rude to her, but it was only because I have spent the past two months dealing with her abuse and trying to politely ask her to stop treating me that way.
I got tired of politely asking someone to stop treating me like trash in my own home in which I was letting them live in for free. I also got tired of my partner refusing to defend me and allowing her to say and do whatever she wanted.
I am trying to understand their perspective although it just doesn’t seem reasonable to me. If you all think I am the jerk, I will call and apologize.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your partner needs therapy and you need to set a hard boundary here. The boundary must be ‘they can never stay with us again. If they do, I will leave.
You choose. I deserve the peace of my own home and if I can’t have it here, I will have to find a new home.’
My husband had a friend who violated all boundaries.
He was at our house all the time. ALL.THE.TIME. Unless he was sleeping but he was literally there from 4 pm-1 am every workday and all day on the weekends.
He would undermine me, talk over me, insult me in Russian, and then loud whisper in Finnish (that I understand) ‘but we won’t talk about that, SHE’LL just gets angry’.
If I tried to have a private word with him, like when I had a cancer scare, he’d literally follow us into the bedroom and I’d have to physically force him to leave.
Confrontation makes him shut down so he’d never put up a boundary, and tell me to. Which did nothing because the dude wouldn’t listen to me. So I did the above.
And I didn’t do it when I was angry, but when I was stone-cold serious. That guy has never been in our apartment again when I’ve been home.
You need to do this for yourself if you intend to stay with him.
Make a boundary about his parents. He can still see them, visit them, spend a week at their house if he wants, but not in yours. Not ever.” ritan7471
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Well done for standing up for yourself!! My stress level hits the roof just thinking about what you’ve been through! At any time it could break the strongest person but during a health crisis….!!!! You always knew in your heart that you deserve better treatment and respect and now you’ve proven you have the courage to demand it! While you’re on a roll I would suggest you consider telling your bf that if he had supported you in the first place and stood up to his parents, the confrontation would never have happened and if he intends to let his parents control him and disrespect you for the rest of their lives he can do it on his own!! You need someone who will always have you’re back, please don’t settle for less!!! Whatever you decide and the future brings remember how brave you were today, take care and have a great life.” Fi65
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: You have the right to be treated with the minimum of respect at all times.
In prison, on the streets, certainly in your own home when you are accomodating people.
Partners should defend their partners, it really is that simple ESPECIALLY to parents.
The only time I had this issue with my SO is as follows:
I was out at dinner while on holiday with my SOs parents, his dad mentioned in we would be ‘leaving at 10’ so I asked:
Me: ‘Out the door at 10?’ Him: ‘Leaving at 10’ (turns away) Me: ‘Yeah but…
at the door at 10 or in the car at 10?’ Him: suddenly annoyed ‘Stop overthinking it, leaving at 10, don’t be difficult’ Me (Not about to drop it.
Because I have a thing about being ready and would completely stress.) SO: (To me) ‘Drop it’
Which I do even though annoyed. I am older than my SO by 3 years and have had a lot of life experiences that have meant I had to mature and look after myself so I am mature for my age also.
They sometimes fall into the habit of treating me like I am his age (Even though he is really mature too)
I was so annoyed he didn’t stick up for me, I was actually floored.
He apologized before I confronted him later. He explained that he knew neither of us would stop and it would escalate and that his dad wouldn’t listen if he told him to just answer but that I respected him enough to listen if he asked me.
I got it. I told him that in the future he should support me, BUT if they don’t back down then I will if it is trivial like that out of respect for him and he agreed.” GarrZillarr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You weren’t given any option about her staying there; that’s not cool. They’ve disrespected you in your house, which should never be allowed to happen. To think that they can run this house however they want when they don’t pay rent is absolutely ridiculous, too.
If they want this level of power, they can pay the darn rent. This level of entitlement is incomprehensible, and I’d avoid letting them into the house until they understand that it’s your house, and you make the rules.
You have a bigger problem, though. You need to consider how this relationship is going to work out if you continue to see this man. He’s repeatedly caved in to their demands, and he’s refused to defend you when you’re obviously not the one at fault.
He stands by and allows you to be abused, and seems to expect you to do so to keep the peace for him. It’s unacceptable that he’d allow this to continue because watching you suffer is easier than standing up to his parents.
You marry your partner’s family; these people will always be a part of your life if you stick with your partner.
Something needs to change if you’re going to want to move forward with this relationship.” polichomp
11. AITJ For Letting My Sister Use My Netflix Account?
“I pay for the Netflix and let my parents use it.
My 15-year-old sister is still on the kid’s Netflix. Even when I mention an alternative like setting it so everything over pg13 needs a password to access so she can at least watch some more ‘adult’ movies or shows like Riverdale or Stranger Things, I got told no.
Unfortunately, it’s meant that whenever she wants to watch something (for example Riverdale) she has to watch it at a friend’s house and make sure that mum and dad don’t find out.
She is getting incredibly sick of only watching kids’ shows as there is only so much of Fuller House you can re-watch without getting bored. She is a 15-year-old girl who can’t even watch a pg13 film as it’s not on her Netflix.
She has Netflix signed into her Ipad so I told her to just start watching things on my account so it looks like I’m watching it and not her, so she started to do that.
I had one rule and that was ‘don’t watch anything you shouldn’t watch’ she has been sticking to that and at this moment has only watched Stranger Things and Riverdale.
I mentioned it to some friends who think I’m undermining my parent’s parenting and helping her break rules my parents set up to protect her, and that when my parents feel it’s ready she will get adults Netflix.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are not parenting, they are infantilizing her and teaching her all the wrong things. Right now you are a better parent than they are IMHO, you show her trust, you monitor what she watches, and it’s awesome.
You do undermine the parental rules and their validity, but she knows those rules are nonsense already, at least this way she has an older family member she can have a more honest relationship with.
To put it in context, you would undermine parental rules if you took her to a doctor if your parents dismiss her symptoms or if got her immune or talked to her about safe intercourse – and these are all necessary for her wellbeing.
Netflix access is not a matter of life and death, but in this case very important for her mental wellbeing and proper development as a person.” LongHighlight
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your parents sound extremely overprotective.
She’s 15, not 5. They can’t shelter her from the real world forever, what exactly are they scared of her watching? If she really wanted to watch something wildly inappropriate (we’re talking like hardcore adult videos or something), she’d just go ahead and do it anyway.
Besides, she wants to watch Riverdale and Stranger Things. Those are both entirely age-appropriate shows, they’re hardly gonna traumatize her.
The thing is, when parents are overprotective and try to control their children too much, it usually backfires; they think they’ve raised their kid to do exactly as they’re told, but more often than not, they’ll just end up raising kids who are good at keeping secrets from their parents.
Also, your friends suck. I’m sorry, but, weirdly, they’d take the side of the parents in this.” glowingsnakeplant
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not you who are undermining — it’s your parents who are undermining your sister.
She’s way too old for this level of supervision. By being this micro-controlling of her life, they are setting her up for a really hard time when she gets into the adult world.
Will likely have self-reliance issues, self-control/impulse control issues, time management issues, and self-esteem issues. Can probably add social skills problems on top of that…
If anything, doing this for your sister will benefit her in the long run, as well as at present.
Finding ways for her to practice autonomy now (like using critical thinking and self-assessment in choosing content for herself) will hopefully help to soften the blow of the shocking transition ahead of her. Good on you for helping her, OP.” bkfst_of_champinones
10. AITJ For Wanting My Woman To Look Good?
“I know how the title sounds, hear me out. My [26M] gf [24F] takes forever in the bathroom. Upwards of 1 hour, sometimes closer to 2. When I playfully ribbed her about this, she’d get irritated but nothing major.
3 months ago I was playfully teasing her and she flipped out. She said she won’t do anything anymore, and true to her word she hasn’t shaved, waxed, or put on makeup since then, and wears her hair looking like bedhead.
I told her that I got her point and would appreciate it if she resumed doing things that I also do to stay presentable. Her head hair improved a bit (although not even close to how it was before) but she still has hair on her legs and underarms, semi-unibrow etc.
Now she’s saying I have to pay her to resume taking care of herself, which I find crazy as I’m not her sugar daddy. Why should I pay for her to upkeep herself like she’s my sugar baby?
I understand that it’s her body, her choice etc., but if there are any guys out there who think they would be ok if their gf had long underarm hair then you’re a better man than me.
I haven’t pushed her to do anything, nor am I enforcing any ultimatums. If, as she says, I’ve been conditioned to want her to look a certain way… well, that sucks, but it’s not my fault.
If we broke up, she’d pay for all of this beauty stuff herself, so why should I pay? Anyone who says I’m the jerk, are you going to then start paying for all your girl’s beauty regimens, or else be fine with 100% body hair and no makeup or hair care ever? Be honest with yourselves.
Gf’s side: He keeps being a jerk about how long I would take in the bathroom, so as he said, I quit things he didn’t even realize I was doing.
No makeup, no shaving/waxing, no brows, no waxing those moustache hairs, I have curly frizzy hair so I stopped using product or straightening/curling with an iron, no mani/pedi, no touching up or redoing my highlights.
Do I look like a beast? Sure. Am I a comfy, smug beast? Heck yes.
He rightfully pointed out that he takes care of himself for me (by shaving his beard and cutting his hair), so I obligingly waxed my upper lip and got a haircut.
I’m continuing to do this whole thing because 1) it’s so much less effort for me, 2) it’s way cheaper, and 3) now that I stopped, I feel like…
why do I ever have to do all this crap. It’s unfair. And if I have to do it because both of us have been conditioned to see me doing these things as the basic standards for a woman, then he should pay half the costs.
I conservatively spend at least $1k a year on brows, shaving supplies, hair products, highlights, haircuts, and makeup. Conservatively. He should have to pay me at least half if he wants me to do it, and extra for painful things like bikini waxes if he wants me to do them again.
Otherwise, it’s not fair.”
EDIT (from bf): Alright, I’m the jerk. You know, it wasn’t even the people saying I was the jerk that convinced me so much as the people saying I wasn’t.
No way in heck do I want to hold the same opinion as some of you, so if you think I’m not the jerk then I definitely am. My not wanting to remove body hair is not the same as me walking around without showering, “in stained shirts and greasy hair”.
I think it’s reasonable to say that I’m allowed to no longer be attracted to her physically after this, and in that case I would either pay up or we break up.
However, luckily, I am still very much into her. I would highly prefer the lack of body hair, but it’s far from a dealbreaker and I think those who pointed out that I should be trying to unlearn these standards are correct.
As I said before, this was never a fight.
EDIT 2 (from gf): Thank you, Reddit, for knocking some sense into this man’s brain. He let me shave his legs.
He said he feels like a dolphin. I’ve decided his genuine contrition and heartfelt apologizing is enough for me and will resume shaving my pits for him, and doing my brows and hair.
Another User Comments:
“My husband knows that the longer I have my hair, the longer I take to brush and to disentangle the knots.
So he helps with the brushing part. Shaving also took too much time, so we bought a laser machine (great investment, is slow but works).
OP said he was being “playful” when in reality he was criticizing how much time she spent getting groomed for him, instead of appreciating the effort.
He screwed up.
YTJ.” Pame_in_Reddit
Another User Comments:
“For real. OP brought the wrath of the beast upon himself and now he must pay the price for it.
Though he says if she was single she’d be paying for it, the girl’s side seems to indicate she vastly prefers not doing this and may not continue if not pressured to do so.” (deleted)
Another User Comments:
“And as someone with a lot of female friends who don’t shave or wear makeup, let me tell you she SURE CAN find a better man than you (in your own words) who will be fine with it.” 18hourbruh
9. AITJ For Telling A Parent It's My Student's Fault For Being "Mistreated"?
“I, (f27) am a pre-school teacher. I have a student ‘Conner’.
If someone sits 3 inches from where they’re supposed to sit, Connor (6) runs to us to report. Someone spills a drop of milk on the table, report.
Someone happens to brush past him, he says ‘He just pushed and threw me to the ground’. Someone almost ran into him on a bike, says they rode over his toes on purpose and he is in terrible pain.
Someone is painting next to him and picks up a pen, cue crying and ‘She took a pen I was thinking of using soon’ If someone is playing with a toy he wants he will throw a tantrum until they get fed up and give it to him.
All this has led to others taking a distance from him. They have even stopped playing with him outside of school. We’ve tried to get him to be included during school hours and have had multiple talks with him but to no avail.
Kids tell us that they feel like they have to walk on eggshells around him and it’s tiring (I’m paraphrasing here) We have had countless meetings with parents present as well, who dismiss our concerns.
He has been evaluated and doesn’t have any diagnoses, disabilities, or anything.
The main issue arose when Sarah had a birthday party, and everyone in the class was invited but Conner.
He was understandably upset and crying. As we could predict, the mom was there the next day, fuming. She told us we had to force Sarah to invite her son by any means possible.
When we said we have no control over what happens after school and that no, we can NOT call a meeting with all parents and tell them they have to make their kids spend time with him as she wants us to, she was furious.
She even tried to approach Sarah when she got sight of her but we blocked her and said she is not allowed to talk to her. Poor thing was really scared.
The day after, Sarah’s mom who is a wonderful woman told us that Connor’s mom had called and shouted at her for not inviting him. She didn’t know if she should just invite him but Sarah and a few of her friends had specifically asked for him not to be there.
I told her that we would support and respect her wishes whatever she chooses to do.
Well, the party was last night. Connor wasn’t invited. The mom shows up the next day, and we went away to talk.
Well, I talked, she shouted. I was pretty fed up and was wondering if I should call security. She kept screaming and blaming everything and everyone but when she called us useless, incompetent teachers who do nothing while her completely innocent kid was being ’emotionally abused’.
I had enough. Told her that he isn’t completely innocent though as we had had many talks and he was excluded because of his own behavior towards others and based on what we’ve seen and heard, it’s pretty understandable.
Well, she went from shouting to shrieking and told me I was going to lose my job. I decided to call security after all. I don’t know what’s gonna happen
TLDR, I want to know, did I go too far by saying it’s his own fault for not being invited?”
Another User Comments:
“I was this kid too, but adding insult to injury, I didn’t WANT to socialize with other kids, and would actively do things to push them away because I found them exhausting.
I wasn’t violent. But I was dismissive and singular. I wanted nothing to do with these people. And they happily complied.
I remember around the fifth grade learning that not having many friends and being ostracized could damage a growing psyche and thinking ‘Well, it’s only ostracizing if you want them around’ Which I did not.
So I went on my merry lone way.
Turns out, it actually does cause an immense amount of harm.
This kid reminds me a bit of myself. I’m sure in preschool, despite not being violent (Just a bit bossy) I probably enjoyed being bidden to a party just as much as the next kid.
My point (and I have one) is that at age 4 or 5, I never missed a single party. I was invited to all of them, and all the kids my mother decided to invite came to mine.
The fact that this preschooler (PRESCHOOLER) has no friends makes me really sad. When you’re that little, you want peers.” StGir1
Another User Comments:
“I’ve taught children just like this.
We always do a set of class rules at the start of term that everyone signs with a handprint and we keep it on the wall.
The rules are things like, we try hard to be polite and helpful, we respect our teachers and our classmates, we carry things safely, etc. The children tend to come up with them to make sure everyone agrees.
I explain that a serious issue is when someone is breaking the class rules, and a tale is someone trying to get someone else in trouble for insignificant reasons, and we talk about how that would make them feel if it happened to them.
We usually do a few PHSE sessions throughout the year to reinforce it too.
Once the boundaries are in place, when one of those children would say my name in that whiny voice that I associate with telling tales my first sentence is always ‘is this a tale?’ I give them a chance to think about whether it’s a real issue or a tale, and if they realize they’re about to tell a tale they sheepishly walk off.
If not, they tell me and I say ‘Nope, that was a tale. Off you go.’
There’s always an audience to tale-telling so the class quickly learns how dismissive I am, and the tale-teller learns to stop because they get no attention from anyone for doing it.
I’ve taught ages 3-8 (UK nursery, reception, year 1, and year 2) and done this with every class. It’s always worked for me!” alokinseiv
Another User Comments:
“I always struggled with this as a kid.
I was raised with very strict rules (military family) and followed them the vast majority of the time. If I didn’t, I’d get in trouble. As I got older, it was my job to also keep my younger siblings in line (things like don’t let them eat mud and keep them out of the streets with their tricycles).
So if they got in trouble, I might get in trouble too because I saw them break rules and didn’t stop them.
I get to kindergarten, and there are the rules.
If I break them and the teacher says something, my little heart is broken. So I follow the rules, even if I don’t want to. But then there are other kids breaking the rules, having fun doing the things I want to do and they don’t get in trouble like I would because they didn’t get caught.
But then if they do get caught, the entire class might get in trouble and have to miss storytime or lose the extra recess.
So as a child at home, I would get in trouble for both breaking rules, and knowing that someone else is breaking the rules too.
In school, I would get in trouble for breaking the rules and maybe get in trouble even if I didn’t break them because a classmate broke the rules instead of me.
So of course I’m going to tell on a kid that is breaking a rule! That way at least I’m not going to lose privileges for not stopping them.
It’s self-preservation!!! How the heck am I supposed to know that while it’s against the rules to eat mud, no adult really cares about a kid eating mud, so even though I follow the rule no one else has to?
This thing still bugs me.
How is a kid supposed to figure out what day the rule will be enforced fairly and what day it won’t be enforced at all, and how many kids breaking the rule is okay before suddenly everyone is in trouble?” throwaway86753109123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Even if Conner has been evaluated, he clearly has a social/emotional/behavioral deficit and would benefit from someone working with him. Is there a school social worker that can work with him regularly? Frame it as a social skills group and offer it to others also.
Parent permission is required, but social workers generally frame it very positively. For story-time include books about sharing, what to do when we’re mad, how to play with others, etc.
Set up a positive reward system or token economy, where he can earn preferred activities.
The school system should have a behaviorist you could consult who could observe and help with this.
Check into teaching resources such as Zones of Regulation – which teaches self-regulation. Conner may be your first experience with this type of behavior – but he’ll probably not be your last.
Same with his parents.
Keep in mind that you want to acknowledge student feelings while teaching him how to process and react. Kids can learn how to behave in a school setting.
It takes time and lots and lots of practice and patience. Conner uses these behaviors because at some point these worked for him. They are now learned and practiced behaviors and it will take time for him to learn alternate acceptable behaviors, and to move at some point to desired behaviors.
Start with baby steps – choose one behavior to tackle make a list of alternate behaviors that would be acceptable. Teach these behaviors – set up role model situations.
Praise him a lot for small successes. One step at a time.
You may not be able to change the parent, but you absolutely can affect behaviors at school.
As far as the parent, don’t take anything personally.
This is super hard but very important. Show empathy, be objective, talk about behaviors without judgment, but be firm. At school there are expected behaviors, that’s the way it is.” territomo
8. AITJ For Telling My Neurologist I'll Make Sure My Family Sues Him?
“I have epilepsy and there is exactly 1 neurologist in my city.
I had been seizure-free for almost 2 years and I started Nursing School this fall, I was doing well, and Boom! Seizure.
Grand Mal can barely move for days after. Had to medically withdraw and can’t drive. The neurologist recommended this new medication that has to be mailed and has some pretty scary side effects, not the least of which says if you suddenly stop taking this medication you can have uncontrolled unstoppable seizures.
Thank you so much.
Ok, so they assure me it’s all good it’s all set I’m not gonna run out.
The week before Thanksgiving I notice I have less than a week and no shipment has arrived.
I start calling my local pharmacy, then the company, I leave messages at the neurologist because ‘closed for Holidays’ Monday comes and I have 3 pills, no meds and keep getting ‘Leave a message’ at the neurologist, the local pharmacy says no prescription, I have had no delivery, and the company says they faxed the neuro in November to tell him to send the prescription here locally.
While I was on the phone with the pharmaceutical company I asked the lady how bad would it be if I had to go a day or so without these pills, the first thing she says is, ‘Well, we don’t like to think negatively, but you need to call your doctor NOW, hang up with me and call them now so if we have to we can get this expedited.’ So that does not make me any less anxious.
I call the doctor again, only to be told to leave a message again, and I am starting to panic. I can’t drive over there, I am single so no partner to drive me, and we don’t have public transportation here.
The reception just would say if it’s an emergency call 911. Well, it’s not an emergency YET, but what the heck!?!
So I called someone in my family that used to work there to see if they could get someone to understand and they gave me a number to call and I did and they, again, told me to leave a message.
I left a message that said, basically, they should be ashamed of themselves because even tho I had only been through half a semester of Nursing school, they taught us that compassion was key, and here I was about to have uncontrolled seizures from their neglect and they couldn’t give a darn, and I had already left messages and this was important and if I ran out of meds, had uncontrolled seizures and died then I’d make sure my family sued every last GD one of them.
So they finally call back and say the med company was the ones that messed up (even tho I called the med company and they said they faxed the dr on Nov 14) and the medicine will be overnight shipped to me.
I apologized for my language and they said ‘that’s fine we all get upset’. I thought it was all good.
Now today I have a notice in my mailbox of a certified letter I have to go sign for, I think they are firing me as a patient.
I have been trying to find another neuro nearby and Google is coming up empty.
Was I wrong for being so panicked and upset?
Update: Yes the letter is to say they won’t be treating me anymore.
And I wanted to say what I meant by the Nursing school remark is that even though I ONLY had been for a short time they really stressed the importance of compassion.
Nothing more. I KNOW I’m not a nurse and I didn’t mean I did. I meant that it was the first thing they were teaching. That is why I wanted to be a nurse but honestly I’ve seen so much IDGaf since I started I don’t know if I will re-enroll.
Update 2: Regardless, I feel like a jerk and I know I screwed up and now I don’t know how I will get meds in the future.
Update 3: I never got to talk directly to my Dr, and only heard from someone in the office that eventually called me back afterward.
Every single person I did talk to treated me like I was being completely unreasonable, even stupid for being scared that my medicine was going to run out. And I honestly don’t know if I called 911 what would they have done? I wasn’t actively seizing, I don’t know how that would work.
Another User Comments:
“Not saying you’re the jerk, but you threatened to sue them knowing there was no other option for a neurologist so regardless of who’s a jerk you’ve cut your nose off in spite of your face.
Malpractice insurance is super expensive and they generally don’t care if you’re in the right or not. Why should they take such a high risk? If you started the meds going into a holiday and didn’t notice you were low until you had less than a week’s worth of a highly important medication and no support system then you weren’t paying much attention.
I can tell you first hand it could just as easily be anyone else in the lineup to have dropped the ball. Lots of faxes get misrouted, lost, misread, etc.
A bit late for reflection, perhaps next time don’t be so quick to blame anything other than the ridiculous medical care system that requires too many hurdles and red tape simply to acquire a refill of life-saving medications….
unfortunately lots of the red tape and hurdles are required impart due to lawsuits.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I reeeeally wonder if the people saying Y T J would have the same opinion if you were a diabetic who was about to run out of insulin.
Should you have threatened to sue? Probably not, because it got you dropped by your neurologist, but it also got them to give you your damn medication. The fact that the American healthcare system is broken doesn’t mean that you’re a jerk.
This is ‘Am I The Jerk?’, not ‘Was This The Best Possible Choice I Could Have Made In The Moment, Considering Our Flawed Legal System?’
Also, I want to point out that even if it WAS that, what you did might have been the best choice even though it did get you dropped.
It’s possible that if they had kept ignoring your messages, you would have run out of medication, had a seizure, and sustained brain damage or worse. This way you’ve at least bought yourself some time to figure out something else.
The situation is essential that you’ve made life somewhat harder for yourself in the future by SAVING your own life at the moment.” chamomile24
Another User Comments:
“I may be going against the stream here but YTJ.
I would discharge you as a patient too if you threatened and verbally abused me. You are a student now but are in for a rude awakening for how healthcare really works.
People saying they should have an on-call and whatever is out of touch. If the doc is the only neurologist around, who would be handling calls when there are literally no other providers? It sounds like you live in a rural area and rural healthcare in America is real rough.
Hospitals and clinics are closing left and right leaving people with no care or on crazy waitlists for the simplest things. The mistake may very well have been on the side of the pharmacy but either way, you can’t abuse people and expect them to want to care for you.
Also, unless you work in a place where there is an overwhelming volume of calls and messages and providers and staff are seeing patients all day, you won’t understand how difficult it is to attend to every call without completely giving up your own life and self-care.
I am an RN, have worked in both urban and rural settings, and can safely say that rural healthcare is a million times worse. So many people are sick, and there is such poor access that the providers that do exist get heavily burdened by the load.
American healthcare is completely broken and scary. Unless you know for a fact that your provider legit doesn’t give an ish, don’t come at them like that. There are ways to respectfully address these issues.” User
Another User Comments:
“I think ‘no jerks here’ is the most appropriate judgment.
Why doctor is NTJ part 1: The context suggests you and this neurologist live and practice in a relatively rural environment – it can be very challenging and sometimes impossible to maintain the 24/7 accessibility that medicine frankly requires.
When you hear about doctor shortages, areas like yours are the regions we are talking about. Unless they have a way for you to triage your message yourself, they can’t tell which of the hundred messages they get every day are the most urgent ones.
When it comes to messages, I basically chip away at my inbox when I can (fortunately we and patients are able to flag urgent ones, so those do get assessed within hours at most).
Why you are NTJ: You had a reasonable fear of your continued safety – you have a history of unprovoked and unpredictable seizures, you are running out of your AEDs, and you spoke to medicine-adjacent people who affirmed the threat.
You felt abandoned – it’s understandable to lash out.
Why doctor is NTJ part 2: Unfortunately, I can also empathize with the doctor for wanting to end the relationship after your threat.
It is extremely difficult to maintain rapport after such hostility. And litigation could jeopardize not just the doctor, but his practice, and thus all his patients who are, again, in an underserved area.
While you were right to apologize, the office manager/doctor cannot read your mind and perceive your sincerity – they have to assume you are potentially trigger-happy to sue and protect the practice accordingly.
That being said, you DO have a right to receiving needed care. The two best places to start simultaneously:
See if you can discuss reconciliation with the practice. Do know that even if you are granted a meeting with the office manager or physician, it may not mean they are open to taking you back – they may do this because they feel obliged to explain why they have ended the relationship verbally.
Do this at the same time as #1, as I said above. But contact your insurance and inform them of the situation. They can help you identify the closest in-network providers.
I would also strongly, strongly advise you to find a PCP ASAP. Most PCPs are not comfortable with specialized medicines, but in exceptional circumstances may be willing to do emergency refills.
Regardless, you need to maintain normal health maintenance.
From a problem-solving perspective in case this happens again – did you ever go to the office in person? That’s the easiest way to emphasize how urgent the situation is, and will likely get you to contact with a nurse, the office manager, or maybe even the physician himself if he’s not in with another patient.” Docthrowaway2020
7. AITJ For Not Letting Someone Choose Items From My Cart?
“My local supermarket often has discount deals just before closing to get rid of fresh meats, pieces of bread, etc. lots of shoppers go around this time just to get these deals.
Today I was there and happened to see several packs of rump roast for 50% off. I grabbed all four of them, all various sizes but about 1 pound each.
I put them in my cart and started walking away, and was rather proud of my find.
Then I hear this from a woman behind me standing next to the meat section: W- excuse me?! Are you taking all of those? Me- yes.
That’s why they’re in my cart. W- Well can I have at least one? I was about to get one for my kid’s dinner.
Not wanting to be a jerk, I picked up one of the packs and offered it to her.
She then heads towards my cart and says: W- actually I prefer to choose myself, thank you. Oh, I see you took the last of the discounted bagels as well! I’ll grab some of these too.
And then she actually tried to take items out of my cart! I had to physically grab her hand and push it away and then said ‘Now you get nothing!’
I walked away as I heard her say ‘So selfish!’
I literally just turned to her and started laughing.
It was so ridiculous I couldn’t even get mad.
I thought I was clearly in the right, but now my wife is saying I shouldn’t have taken all the discounted meat in the first place, since we aren’t going to eat it right away, and I should have let the woman grab some items from my cart since again we don’t need them immediately.
We are in a small community and she is nervous she might know the woman and is worried about our reputation. But I figure first come first served.
So AITJ for not letting a stranger pick and choose what she wants from my cart?”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, NTJ.
Would I have personally grabbed all four? No, but namely because I know I wouldn’t have room for all of it. But if I had the room? I probably would’ve.
And if someone asked me if they could have one, likely I would’ve just offered one up to them. But I wouldn’t have let them just shop from my cart.
She also crossed the line with also trying to take some of the bagels when that wasn’t at all offered.
I do understand that people are going for the bargains for good reasons (trying to make a food budget stretch, can’t afford things otherwise, etc.).
I’ve lived through that, and I still do. I rarely buy anything unless I know I’m getting it on sale/discounted. But the ‘first come, first served’ argument still applies.
You were there first. You grabbed them first. Hence, they’re yours unless you decide to put them back or give them away to another customer on the hunt. You were being nice by giving her one.
But she can’t be a choosing beggar when they are, technically, yours.” SweetAshori
Another User Comments:
“What?! Did that actually happen and was she serious? That just seems so frickin’ bizarre to me.
I can’t believe it’s really in question, but in my opinion, you are definitely NTJ. I admit that I rarely am involved with the grocery shopping in our house (my wife enjoys it and prefers to go solo while I hate it so it works out) so if this is some sorta trend I’m unaware of I apologize for my ignorance.
I also am frequently accused of being too accommodating with people, so I’m not some Grinch-type punk heh, heh. You got to the meat first, so to me, it truly seems to be a non-issue.
You even offered one of the roasts to the woman, so that is a gracious thing to do for a stranger in that circumstance. You also didn’t invite her to browse in your cart, so she was a bit overstepping and rude in my opinion.
If the roast and bagels were such hot items the market probably would have put a limit on how many a person could purchase. I don’t see that you did anything wrong buddy and I’ll bet that lady will be first in the store for the deals next week hahahaaa! I also wanna add that if those particular items were between her kids and starvation she would have taken whichever one you offered…
don’t worry about it. Best of luck to ya!” GuidoLessa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! There’s nothing wrong with stocking up on something that’s on sale that you know you can save and use later (like meat that you can freeze and thaw when you want to cook it).
You took FOUR not FORTY! This isn’t like people making irrational runs on toilet paper at the start of 2020 and leaving entire supermarket aisles stripped bare. Grocery stores are ABSOLUTELY first-come/first-serve and you were going to be generous and let her have one of your items until she decided to be SUPER rude and overstep.
Seriously, if anyone put their hands into my cart, I would’ve been annoyed and done exactly what you did. Your wife needs to grow a spine. Who cares if she knows her? I’d be just as likely to tell a friend or acquaintance as I would a stranger that their rudeness and inability to recognize proper boundaries cost them the generosity a stranger was already offering them and to let that be a lesson for the future.” WolfgangAddams
Another User Comments:
“This one gave me pause to ponder the conundrum and really made me think, which is kind of fun for a less severe moral quandary (like the ‘return the shopping cart’ discussion).
In the end, NTJ edges out but it was a close ‘everyone sucks here’ in the running.
For me, if I was standing at the meat counter and another person was milling around and potentially waiting for me to move along and grab something in the same area as me, I don’t believe I could snag all of the items without seeing if that other person was waiting for me to get out of the way to get the same thing.
While snagging up all the roast is not a crime, on the personal level, I just don’t think I could do that. (So it begs the question: were there other, non-discounted roasts for her to grab after you?)
Her asking if she could have one, while also not something I could stomach doing myself because it’s wildly awkward doesn’t make her a jerk, just kind of… weird.
Being nice and offering her one is a good point in your favor, and her choosing beggar response is not cool and definitely docks her a point.
What really hung me up is when she went to grab stuff from your cart (oh my god where is she going to store her meat when she has all of that AUDACITY?) and it resorted to physically touching her.
Her grabbing at your stuff gets her some double-digit jerk points. However, opening the door for the situation to escalate or becoming even a perceived assault/battery (and then, potentially, criminal charges) situation is something to consider.
That poses a bigger risk of you harming yourself and your family than not having discount meat. At this point, I probably would have just tried rolling away to defuse the situation or just let her grab it.
I take no joy in enabling trashy people, but sometimes you have to pick your battles. If my husband had done that, I would have been so angry with him about potentially getting involved in legal drama even if it was unlikely.
Did you assault her? No. Could she potentially start wailing about the big mean scary man who grabbed and pushed her (hopefully cameras or witnesses would clearly put that to rest but still)? Sometimes it’s just not worth it, even when you’re right.
So ultimately, you’re not the jerk, I’m on your side, not letting her have it was not some sort of great injustice, but I just don’t think it was worth the potential consequences that could affect your family more than not having that roast.” dr_voldemort_putin
6. AITJ For Saying I Was Glad My Brother Is Not Okay?
“Long story short my brother slept with my ex-fiancee thankfully no children were involved so there were no obligations but I never forgave him since I have massive trust issues that have affected every subsequent relationship.
Now I just don’t see other men and honestly, I don’t really blame women for not wanting to go out with my insecure self since I wouldn’t either I cut off contact with him and tried to make everyone else in the family do it too and they agreed.
I also destroyed any family photos on the internet and off the internet so It was like he never existed at all, I got a call from his lawyer and he said he was diagnosed with terminal cancer and that he was dying and would like to make amends with everyone he hurt.
Especially me, I told the lawyer I’m glad he was dying and he will live with the awful thing he did for the rest of his life and that I’ll never forgive him since he ruined my life.
The lawyer gave me the details anyway like I’m going to go and advised that I should consider seeing him anyway
After this interaction, I told everyone what had happened since I thought they had the right to know and they asked me if I would see him and I said no and that I’m happy he is dying.
My mother shouted at me saying that I’m a bitter jerk and that I need to get over it and that he has probably changed and that I was being unfair.
My sister said similar things to me but I don’t think he deserves closure and the only way I’d go is to let him know that he isn’t forgiven they got angrier and said I was a jerk and hung up.
Honestly, the thought of seeing him angers me so I don’t think I did anything wrong AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – obviously he’s a jerk. The fact that he’s dying doesn’t absolve him, not even if having his mortality shoved down his throat has made him truly regretful.
You don’t owe him anything. Not forgiveness. Not closure.
But Jesus Christ you told your mother that you’re glad that her child is dying. You are every bit as much as a jerk as him.
And yes, a bitter jerk.
He is 50% of the jerks that messed up one single aspect of your life. Your plan to marry a particular woman. You’re the jerk who messed up your life the rest of the way by choosing to wallow in misery.” Alert-Potato
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, slightly leaning to ‘everyone sucks here.’
What your brother did was an awful thing.
You are entitled to be angry and under no obligation whatsoever to forgive him or let him make amends. Having said that, it seems like this is the last chance for you to talk to him, so remember that if you don’t talk to him, this is it.
The last chance you had was to have a dignified goodbye to your brother. Right now, that seems fine to you. Will it still feel right in ten, twenty, or thirty years?
Also: what he did was awful.
If it affects you as much as you say, maybe you should seek counseling or therapy to deal with your grievances/distrust. Not seeking that therapy is on you, not on your brother.” aroukouth
Another User Comments:
“Your brother was an enormous jerk but so was your fiance.
A person who is willing to sleep with your BROTHER when you’re supposed to be getting married is a terrible person. Your brother probably saved you a lot of heartache down the line, and you definitely dodged the bullet with the fiance.
(Doesn’t make it right, but he didn’t ruin your life, he made it better, even if he did it in a terrible way.)
You won. You get to try again at happiness and love (hopefully with a person who wouldn’t betray you in the deepest possible way).
He’s going to be dead. He’s living the rest of his life with the fear of dying and the knowledge that he’s on his way out. He’s not getting any second chances.
The rest of his life is going to be miserable.
None of that means you have to see him or forgive him, but maybe find a way to have an ounce of compassion for the situation he’s in and stop gleefully telling people you’re glad he’s dying, least of all his OWN MOTHER.
YTJ, for being a callous bitter jerk to your mother, the rest of your family, and yourself. Go to therapy and stop blaming your (soon to be dead) brother for your own unhappiness.
I personally think you’ll regret not going to see him but I hope you don’t.” Gadgitte
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Get off your woe-is-me, sorry-for-myself butt and make changes in your life.
Seek out therapy, improve yourself, make your life better.
Something bad happened to you. BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO EVERYBODY.
My baby passed away at 12 weeks into my pregnancy. I spent three years struggling with infertility.
I’ve had 28 surgeries over the last 4 years. Last year I almost died. I have chronic pain and health problems. I finally was able to have a baby through IVF, I’m really broke now, and I’ll never be able to have another due to insanely rare complications.
I could sit and mope. I lost a baby. I only get to have one child and I always wanted more. I live every day with chronic, debilitating pain and vertigo.
I’m disabled and sickly and on a million meds.
Instead, I go to therapy. I recognize my pain and my struggles. I try to be better every day. Some days are hard.
Really, really hard. And some days are beautiful and I’m so insanely grateful for the beauty in my life. But that’s because I took responsibility for what I can control – what I DO about my life.
Your brother and your ex did an awful thing. Your life fell apart because of decisions YOU made as a result.
Everybody goes through something. Step up and take responsibility for how you react.” MrsLoki12Odin
Get yourself therapy. You need it badly to grow up, realize that bad things happen sometimes and to stop being a damn victim.
And you might want to beg forgiveness from your mother while you’re at it and hope she decides to give you the time of day.
What a freakin’ immature baby you are for a grown adult. Dear Gid.
5. AITJ For Giving The Diner A 1-Star Review For Not Accommodating Me?
“Yesterday I took my son out to eat for lunch. We decided to try a cute family-owned diner that had pretty good reviews.
I have some severe, potentially life-threatening food allergies so I usually try to play it safe and order something I know does not have anything I will react to in it.
I ordered a toasted gluten-free grilled chicken breast wrap with lettuce, onions, and green peppers. Those were the listed ingredients and that seemed safe.
When I got my food I noticed something red in it and picked it out with my fork.
It was a tomato, which I am highly allergic to. There were tomatoes all through my food so I was unable to eat it.
I quietly motioned for someone to come over to explain the situation and they called for the owner to listen to me.
The owner said they’d remake my food but they’d have to charge me again for the time and ingredients even though I could not eat what I was given.
I pointed out that nowhere was tomatoes listed as part of the dish I ordered and if they were in the wrap it should be listed so people know what they are getting, especially if someone has an allergy to something.
The owner said that they don’t put everything up on the board and it’s not a big deal for me to either pay to have my food remade or I can choose to not eat, but I will not be receiving a second meal for free.
I ended up re-ordering my meal to my specifications and it took over 30 minutes to come out when before it was less than 10 and was obviously burnt.
I ate what I could and threw the rest away before leaving.
I was really disappointed in the whole experience and ended up writing a 1-star review blasting the place for how I felt they treated me.
AITJ??
ETA: this is a type of wrap I had ordered at many other places before and it does not typically come with tomatoes. It would be the equivalent of getting a Philly cheesesteak with tomatoes basically.”
Another User Comments:
“(Super, super) small restaurant owner here! Assuming you didn’t spew obscenities at your server or do something else horrendous that you left out, NTJ.
Personal feelings: Bad reviews are devastating. I will literally feel intense guilt and lose sleep for days if/when we receive a stray one. With that in mind, if you were legitimately disappointed by something fundamental to your experience it is completely reasonable for you to leave a negative review.
It is also reasonable for you to expect the restaurant to have all major ingredients listed in their fare. So two for two so far.
As an owner, I would want to know the details of your disappointment so I could ensure it never happened again.
As a human, I would want you to share these feelings with me in person, at the time of your visit so I could fix them immediately, rather than leaving and giving a bad review later—you obviously tried to do this.
You’re three for three so, from my perspective, the review seems warranted.
My only (very small) advice for next time would be to mention your allergies to your server beforehand.
When we have people with multiple serious allergies dine with us, Chef always goes out to talk to the table to see what will be best to order. Had the server known you were allergic to tomatoes they could have maybe steered you away from the wrap?” CaticusFaticus
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
The attitude of the restaurant owners was really crappy. Once you explained what the situation was in full, they should have gone ahead and remade the wrap for you.
And they should not have charged you.
But you suck here as well because as other people have stated, you have severe, life-threatening allergies that you did not alert anyone to.
You need to understand that when you are in a restaurant that uses ingredients to which you are severely allergic, there is always a very real possibility of cross-contamination.
No matter how hard a restaurant tries, it is always possible that the tomato that you are allergic to was just cut on a counter where your wrap was placed as it was being finished.
It is always possible that the gluten-free product you need was placed near a gluten product accidentally.
Unless you are in a restaurant that very specifically advertises as being gluten-free or has been this or that, these things can happen, no matter how hard the staff tries to avoid them and no matter how hard they try to keep every surface spotless and clean.
I work in food service at the kitchen counter and we always do our very best to be aware of what is being placed and where it’s being placed, but mixups can happen.
But when we know there is somebody with severe allergies, we take even greater care than we already do because we don’t ever want to be responsible for somebody becoming ill or losing their life.
You know you have these allergies. You absolutely must double check when you order things, because again, as others have posted, it can be impossible for a restaurant to list every single ingredient on every single dish that they make.
Instead of a menu, we would be handing you a book!” mtngrl60
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, YTJ. If you have a life-threatening allergy, you need to let your server know. Even if the ingredient you are allergic to isn’t in the dish, there could be cross-contamination.
Your chefs and servers want you to have a good experience and they don’t want you to have an allergic reaction. You should have been upfront about your needs.
Also, the fact that they made you pay for your second wrap is a huge red flag that you may have been a jerk about it when it was your fault, to begin with.
I’ve never worked anywhere that would make you pay for that even if you were being a jerk about it. You must have annoyed someone big time. You need to take a look at your own behavior in this experience.
It all could have been avoided.” Winstonisapuppy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
If you’re allergic you need to tell them. If they don’t know you have an allergy then they might (will probably) use the same utensils on tomatoes as whatever they’re giving you that shouldn’t contain tomatoes.
If you’re making omelets in a diner, you’re grabbing pre-cut tomatoes, onions, peppers, sausage, whatever and you’re not cleaning up between.
Dealing with allergies is in a restaurant kitchen is a pain in the butt.
Everything needs to be cleaned to ensure no cross-contamination. Once it is cleaned, your food gets cooked. This slows the kitchen. There are a lot of jerks that don’t realize the amount of effort and will use ‘I have an allergy’ to avoid ingredients they just don’t like.
In the case of things that are partially prepared ahead of time, it’s even more of a pain in the ass since they may have to create a version of something minus the allergen just for you.
My wife works in a restaurant and has seen people with ‘severe allergies’ have their food contaminated with the allergen only to have the patron say ‘Oh, I just say I’m allergic because I don’t like it.
Hahahahahaha.’ Even if this is a legit allergy, there’s a bunch of jerks pretending just to work around ‘no substitution’ and other policies, so their tolerance for awful stuff is probably low.
Your first order may have come out in 10 minutes because the kitchen wasn’t busy and wasn’t worried about cross-contamination. The second-order could only be serviced after they finished cooking what was in progress and had cleaned the kitchen to avoid cross-contamination with tomatoes, for your safety.
I’m not allergic to anything but I’m a ridiculously picky eater. The ingredients on the menu rarely include everything, so I ask before I order.
If it’s going to kill you, you need to ask.” rvgoingtohavefun
4. AITJ For Not Answering My Sister's Phone Call At Midnight?
“My sister is a single mother. She has a 9-year old daughter and a 3-year old son. Last week her son had an odd growth on his neck and developed a high fever and she rushed him to the children’s hospital where she was told he had an infection but it was very treatable but he had to stay in the hospital until the next day.
So I picked up her daughter and promised to get her to school the next day and our parents (who live about an hour away from the school) would pick her up because I work mid-shift later than her school gets out.
This meant her school start time is pretty early for me but it was a tough situation so I was fine with it.
I got her daughter to sleep in a sleeping bag in a corner of my apartment when my phone started ringing from her shortly after midnight.
Obviously, I wasn’t feeling like answering that late so I just sent her a text with a pic of her daughter sleeping and said ‘she’s doing fine and I’ll get her to school tomorrow.’ Which I did.
A couple of days later I talked to her. Her son was treated fine and discharged from the hospital. She had to stay with him overnight in his hospital room and was up for almost all night but fell asleep in a chair near him.
Then she had a dream where he died. She woke up and started panicking and crying and called me during that. A nurse heard her and comforted her and calmed her down but that’s why she called.
She made a comment where she seemed upset I wasn’t able to comfort her at that time.
I still think it’s weird to be upset about this. I get that a dream like that would be very upsetting, but she’s a 32-year old woman, not a child who needs to be comforted over bad dreams once it became obvious it was a dream and her son was sleeping fine in the same room.
I was already doing inconvenient things for her. It’s good the nurse was able to help her but that was her job. I don’t call her or anyone else when I have a bad dream alone in my apartment.
AITJ over this?
EDIT: OK this blew up. So let me emphasize that I do care about my sister and nephew as well as my niece, but it was REALLY inconvenient for me to pick her up, that doesn’t mean I had issues doing it or that I thought twice.
I was super worried about my nephew too although it turns out his infection was never life-threatening (and he’s perfectly fine now.) Also, my apartment is a tiny studio, I literally had to rearrange some record boxes to give my niece a place to sleep, so yeah having a phone convo might’ve woken her.
But I do get now why my sister was so upset and I should apologize. She still seemed grateful for me helping out and just happy my nephew is a healthy typical 3-year old again.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m only 20 (turning 21 in May), and I don’t have any kiddos of my own but I had some pretty traumatic stuff happen with my siblings when I was young.
My mom separated my sister and me at a young age and my sister was the one who took care of me. She’s six years older and always knew what I liked for dinner, brushed my hair, got me ready for bed, and would put me to bed.
So when we were separated it was pretty devastating and at four I didn’t understand what was happening. So I used to freak out in the middle of the night looking for my sister.
Then a year later my little brother passed away and when we came home from the hospital all of the baby stuff was still there.
You don’t really get over that, you’ve got the baby bag in your hand and you open the front door and there’s a crib and one of those electronic rocking things and baby toys and bottles.
It’s just- it was pretty hard. I think people who have never gone through what Op’s sister is going through, honestly don’t realize the things that go through your mind, if OP’s sister’s son passed away at the hospital, she’s the one that goes home to all his things lying around the house.
So I get that OP’s sister being in a scary and new situation was worried so much that she was having nightmares about it.” Gianahraiin
Another User Comments:
“If your sister doesn’t regularly call you at all hours of the night, then yeah, YTJ big time.
This was not a normal situation. This was a woman that really needed support, who attempted to ask for it and was rejected with apathetic flair.
‘she’s a 32-year old woman, not a child who needs to be comforted over bad dreams once it became obvious it was a dream and her son was sleeping fine in the same room.’
This part makes you a crazy huge jerk, TBH.
I’m really glad that your dreams have never affected you in a negative way, but as someone who suffers from chronic night terrors, let me tell you that dreams can mess up your life.
Stress can cause horrific nightmares, which it clearly did in the case of your sister the other night. You can’t just ‘shake off a bad feeling’ when you’ve literally just experienced your child dying.
Yes, even when in real life, he was right in front of her.
She was going through a really tough time, and then her brain messed with her and made things much worse, and she broke down.
You could have easily helped her, but you didn’t, because… you didn’t feel like it? Like, you weren’t even sleeping yourself! I hope that one day when you find yourself in a tough spot that your family has more compassion for you than you’ve shown for them.” asymmetrical_sally
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Mostly for your absolute lack of empathy for what she was going through.
The day after my mother died, I was next door at my best friend’s house. A police officer knocked on the door.
He was looking for me. My brother had called my house and gotten worried when he couldn’t immediately reach me (pre-cell days) and called the local police (small town) because he was home with two small children (single custodial parent.) The officer, knowing me, decided to check with my neighbors on either side before going into my house.
He found me, expressed his condolences, gave me a hug, and told me to call my brother. I did.
That night I had a hyper-realistic dream where the scene replayed itself…
only the officer told me that my brother and nieces (my only living relatives) had been killed in a car accident and I needed to identify them. I woke up screaming and called him.
It was 3 am. He answered and told me everything was fine, that he loved me, and to go back to sleep because it was just a bad dream.
When I hung up the phone I realized I had pulled the revolver I kept in my bedside table out. I moved the firearm to a less bad-dream accessible place and put a note to myself on my bedside table.
I eventually called him 4 more times at ungodly hours before the nightmares stopped. He answered every time. He never got mad. Granted I was 17 and not 32…
but the point still remains that he was there when I needed him for emotional comfort. 30 years later I can STILL call him if needed… at any hour.
Just like he can call me.” ACCER1
Another User Comments:
“I don’t want to say YTJ but maybe you were. You had her child, you should have answered that’s number 1.
Also, one night I woke in a sweat. The most realistic nightmare of my life where everything was accurate. My actual car, my actual streets in my town. Nothing was amiss or dream-like.
My niece died in that dream. I don’t even like typing it out. I was upset and on the verge of vomiting. It was probably 3/4 am and I called my sister over and over and when she finally answered I told her that I NEEDED to speak to my niece.
She woke her up and my niece said my name and I could tell she was half awake but I ugly cried a sigh of relief. I knew she was alive the moment I woke up but it was so realistic.
I can imagine what your sister went through and I hope that’s literally the scariest thing she’ll ever have to go through honestly. I’m REALLY glad my sister answered the phone and calmed me down and was there for me when I needed her to be and REALLY glad I got to talk to my niece.
Honestly, I may have gotten up and drove all the way to their house if my sister hadn’t answered. It wasn’t something I could just go back to sleep and wait till the next day.” Radiantlyred
3. AITJ For Asking My Wife To Stop Cooking Russian Food?
“My wife is from Russia and we‘ve been married for 4 years. We decided to start a traditional family since I earn enough to support a few people and she just likes the idea of being a stay-at-home wife/mom.
Therefore I pay the bills and provide for the family in order for her to cook, clean, and take care of the kids.
It‘s been going well so far and both of us enjoy living that way.
It‘s just that I kind of get a bit frustrated when it comes to her cooking food…
Don‘t get me wrong, she‘s very skilled and I appreciate it, but it‘s just the type of food that‘s been cooking bothers me a bit.
Her culture is important to her (which I totally get) so she cooks a lot of Russian food. However, I‘m really not a fan of Russian cuisine because it‘s bland (IMO) and consists of basically only dough and meat.
Plus some dishes such as jelly meat just don‘t appeal to me.
I suggested that she might wanna try recipes that are not Russian or Slavic because I‘m not a huge fan of it, but she was pretty offended.
Yesterday I overheard a conversation she had on the phone complaining to her friend about this situation calling me a jerk. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I think the issue is that she’s taking care of the kids and doing all the cleaning and then when it comes times to cook she wants to go to tried and true recipes she doesn’t have to think about.
Adding new recipes to your routine involves testing stuff out, the potential for some failures, research, and just generally thinking. It takes mental energy that I know I find in pretty short supply by the end of the day.
I stay home with the kids right now and my husband still cooks a couple of nights a week… sometimes I joke that I’ll cook if he tells me what to cook based on what we currently have available at home because of the mental energy of looking through the cupboards and thinking of something to make is the hard part!
OP is allowed to be bored with the food, but he might have approached this better, may be offered to cook once a week, or pick one meal he’d really like and ask her if she could learn how to cook that one thing.
Instead of just saying ‘make less of what you like, thanks!'” OrindaSarnia
Another User Comments:
“I’d go so far as to say that it isn’t even just as simple as the traditional roles and menu change.
He’s asking her to carve out a piece of herself and set it aside to please him. To give up a connection to her culture. Not because he outright hates any particular dish she makes, but simply because he’d prefer different cuisine.
I think if he’d talked to her about a particular dislike of the jelly meats dishes and asked that she keep those to lunches or let him know when she’s making it so he could pick up takeout, that would be reasonable.
If he asked her to branch out to try cooking more and different things or asked for his favorite dishes, and maybe even offered it as something they could learn together such as signing up for cooking class date nights, that would be reasonable.
But as it stands his basic stance is ‘my Russian wife is too Russian for me, and I want her to give up part of her culture for mine’ and that’s messed up.
If he didn’t want a Russian wife, he shouldn’t have married a Russian.” Alert-Potato
Another User Comments:
“IMO he was rude based on the way he went about it, not because he asked for change.
Saying he is not a fan of Russian/Slavic food is pretty dismissive of a wide swath of food and all the food from her culture. It also puts the onus of finding foods he does like on her, without really giving her any information on what he actually wants for dinner.
For example, since he complained about the food being fairly carb-heavy and bland I would guess that something like Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheese and a side of plain boiled chicken wouldn’t really cut it for him even though it is not specifically Slavic food.
I think his request would actually have been more reasonable if he was as specific with her as he was here, especially if he peppered in requests over time.
Saying things like: ‘I’m not really a fan of jellied meats. Would you mind taking those out of our normal dinner rotation?’ ‘I’ve been really craving spicy food lately.’ ‘Oh X is my favorite!’ ‘I think it would be good for us to eat more fruits and veggies.
Let me know if you ever want me to pick up a family salad on the way home from work.’ would probably go further towards actually giving her something to work with vs dismissing all the food she grew up cooking.” BetterWithLatte
2. AITJ For Telling My Wife I'm Always Going To Choose My Daughter Over Her?
“I got remarried when my daughter was 15 to a woman who had a 12-year-old daughter. For this, we will call my daughter Grace, and my stepdaughter Hannah. Grace was alright with me getting married but she did not like Hannah.
The dislike was mutual and we did not allow for any outright bullying, but it was pretty bad. Grace asked to stay with friends instead of going on family vacations and Hannah asked to go to a different high school so she wouldn’t have to run into Grace.
Hannah is very antagonistic, and Grace rarely started it but Grace goes for the jugular.
When Hannah was 21 she got engaged to Nick. He was alright but he always seemed sort of depressed, like he was just settling for something in life.
I don’t know but there was something off about him. Nick met Grace at a family party and I saw the spark, and I knew it was going to end in disaster.
Grace says they never physically engaged, but I’ll never know for sure. Nick left Hannah, dated Grace, and within a year he and Grace were engaged. He seemed different when he was with Grace and I’ve lied and been lied to before.
I’m sympathetic about you love who you love.
That was ten years ago and Hannah is married, though I do think Grace and Nick are happier than Hannah and her husband.
Obviously, Hannah and Grace hate each other even more. We try to rotate holidays so one will be with us and the other will be with their in-laws, but Hannah’s MIL recently died and his mom was the only reason he saw the family.
My wife now wants to invite Hannah to everything and have Grace stay home. Her argument is Grace got a better life, and the man, and is just happier, so she can do without Christmas.
I’m not alright with this. I don’t even care if Nick and Grace did have an affair. She is my daughter. Also, it’s been ten years, and I’m saying this as someone who had his heart torn out by his lying ex-wife, there is a time to move on.
My wife and I are currently fighting over a fourth of July cookout and I told her not to ask me to choose, this is my third marriage, but I only have one daughter.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I cannot comprehend the amount of NTJ judgments here. Literally, everyone sucks. Let me break it down.
You and your wife suck for clearly not trying very hard to get your daughters to get along when they were children.
You suck for allowing your teenager to bully her 12-year-old step-sister. You suck for not getting Grace into therapy after your 2 failed marriages and with whatever happened between you and her mom because clearly she had some issues as a teenager and was taking them out on her little sister.
Hannah sucks a little bit for also acting rude towards Grace, but you admitted yourself that your daughter always started it, and she was older and should’ve known better.
Grace sucks again for stealing Hannah’s fiancé away, and you suck more for trying to justify it by saying Nick was ‘depressed’ with Hannah but much happier with Grace – is that really true, or is that how you’re choosing to see it so your daughter doesn’t seem bad at all, and just a girl who saved a poor man from a loveless marriage?
You also MAJORLY suck for excusing infidelity by saying ‘you love who you love’.
Infidelity is NEVER OKAY – leave your partner if you have even a tiny urge to be unfaithful. You and the wife suck again for allowing 10 years to go by with this dumb holiday arrangement and never attempting to get your whole family together to get along and move on from all the drama.
Your wife sucks for asking you to exclude Grace from holidays because I’m sure she’d be furious if you told her Hannah couldn’t come anymore. But then you suck x1000 for telling her that Hannah just needs to move on, then making it clear to her how replaceable she is because this is your 3rd marriage.
Again, infidelity is NEVER okay and it’s reasonable for Hannah to still be holding some resentment, especially because nobody ever tried to mediate the situation – and because it was her bullying stepsister of all people who ruined her engagement.
And yes, you usually shouldn’t choose anyone over your children, but your daughter is an adult in her mid-30s and needs to accept some responsibility for the drama in your family.
I saw a comment that says she’s your daughter no matter if she’s right or wrong, and of course, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean that she can never be wrong or never have to accept responsibility for anything.
You’re allowed to call out your adult children, and you should. People are also saying that it’s not your job to meddle in their problems now that they’re grown up, and I agree to an extent – except that this all started when they were kids and nothing was done.
You and your wife still have a degree of influence over your children even now, and you have the opportunity to use that to try to make everyone get along.
If you aren’t willing to try to do that, be prepared to lose your wife over this, though clearly, you don’t really care.” taller-ghost-walt
Another User Comments:
“TBH it sounds like you are a jerk here.
Not for your actions today, but for not nipping this in the bud ten years ago when your 15-year-old and 12-year-old daughters couldn’t get along. There’s no indication you actually tried anything besides hoping for the best and then deciding oh well, they’ll never get along.
You and your wife should have been insisting on participation in family counseling and getting to the bottom of why these two couldn’t stand each other so much that they refused to even attend the same school! Considering your daughter Grace was older, chances are she was the one causing the most problems because I’ve never met a fifteen-year-old who felt legitimately attacked by a twelve-year-old’s behavior unless it actually moved into serious stuff like property damage.
Adding in the fact that Grace literally stole your stepdaughter’s FIANCE? Everyone sucks here except for Hannah tbh. Grace because she clearly was instigating when she was old enough to know better and continued to instigate things in adulthood, and you and your wife for not stopping them from fighting when they were younger so maybe they’d actually care about each other later in life and the other stuff with fiance-stealing wouldn’t have happened, and they’d at least be able to be civil now.
Regardless, I think you’re doing nobody any favors by keeping the daughters apart at the harm of their relationship with their parents. They don’t have to be best friends to spend Christmas together, they just have to be civil.
And if you want to continue your relationship with your wife, you should be absolutely ready to call out EITHER girl if she’s the one who starts things. Invite them both to everything, let them know if they start an argument with each other, the one who instigated it is out.” kaitou1011
Another User Comments:
“This is gross.
As all of this is gross. Everyone sucks here here EXCEPT HANNAH that poor girl.
Grace is terrible. Seriously what a jerk. She bullies her stepsister so much that Hannah has to go to a different school despite the age differences which would most definitely keep them separate from their own circles.
She THEN steals Hannah’s fiance. Not even just a partner. FIANCE. HER OWN STEPSISTER.
Your wife should’ve divorced you. Honestly. The fact that she allowed her daughter to be tortured by Grace is abhorrent.
Again, that poor Hannah.
You for literally everything. You marry someone and gain a child you don’t even consider yours. I get the whole trying to not parent them as you aren’t her father but like…
you also live with her and she was 12 so to me, this doesn’t make sense. Why get married at all to someone who also had kids if not to blend the families? You BOTH did more harm than good here.
Second. You failed as a parent to Grace. She’s mean, a bully, and goes for the jugular in your own words. That’s disgusting. You sound proud of it, which makes this whole thing even worse.
Third, your lack of care towards infidelity, which is astounding since you’ve been lied to but you also were unfaithful. Your kid broke up your wife’s kid’s marriage. This is absolutely NOT something you get over despite the fact that it’s 10 years.
It literally doesn’t matter. Did your brother sleep with your wife? No? So like maybe you don’t actually understand? Hannah has also probably moved on as ya know, it’s been 10 years and she’s also married.
But I would never, absolutely never get over someone breaking up a relationship of mine especially when we were going to be married.
You are for sure an unreliable narrator and a bad parent.
This whole situation is a huge M E S S. I think you need to admit to yourself that you don’t like Hannah at all and I think that if you and your wife stay married you solely need to visit your own kid.
Hannah deserves someone in her corner, even if it’s too little too late.” goodvibess2020
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here –
From the way you describe this, there were problems from the beginning that you two simply did not handle well.
First of all the way you talk about Grace compared to Hannah you have a very clear bias and seem to excuse any poor behavior that Grace had. Opinion not exactly what you said but at least twice you made excuses for Grace.
It’s ok Grace ‘went for the jugular’ because Hannah was antagonistic. It’s okay that Grace stole Nick because they were a better fit. Regardless of how things have turned out saying you saw the spark and that he seemed unhappy with her all just sounds like you trying to make it okay what happened but if it were the other way around and Grace had been the one engaged and Hannah had a ‘spark’ with her fiancee and they ended up together instead.
I truly believe you’d be painting the situation in a very different light. While you can’t force two people to like each other it doesn’t seem like there was much attempt to even make things amicable.
Honestly, the biggest YTJ move you did was not acknowledge Hannah as your daughter. You didn’t just marry your wife you married her and Hannah they both became YOUR family.
Every statement you made about her was negative while you uplifted Grace. That’s not a family. I’m not saying you need to love her as much or more than Grace but you’ve got real evil stepfather vibes, dude.
And the same can be said for your wife. She married you and Grace. From what she’s suggesting she doesn’t seem to see Grace as her daughter either.
Hannah does have valid feelings that you all chose to ignore and let fester rather than any attempt at resolving.
Behavior that seems to be a habit since they were teenagers. There was literally no reason to say that Grace/Nick are happier than Hannah/Hubby. You are literally being a jerk for no reason with that statement.
That was honestly petty and proves my point you’re not the jerk for choosing Grace you’re the jerk because in your own words you only have one daughter. A stepchild is not an accessory or a simple ad on they need validation and love and you and your wife really didn’t seem to understand that.
You don’t get to decide when Hannah ‘gets over it’ whether it’s been 10 years or 50 you have NO right to tell her how feels any more than she does you.
You never once mentioned any attempt at an apology on Grace/Nick’s part. Maybe she just wants some closure.
Really you all need to sit down with a family therapist and work this out.
What your wife is asking is wrong but I can understand her not wanting her to be alone and without family during the Holidays. My only advice there is until you guys can act like real adults and work this out.
On the holidays that Hannah/Hubby was supposed to be with his family Your wife at least should get to leave and be with them instead of you and Grace. That way you get the only family you really care about and she gets the family that she only really cares about.” haltiamreptar91
1. AITJ For Telling My Sister That Her Daughter Is Not Special?
“I’m 33(M), and my sister is 36. She has one child (14F). I have one son (13). It is also important to add that I am a single father – my wife passed when my son was 7.
My son is quite gifted (I do not say this lightly). He tops all of his classes and often wins mathematics competitions in our state. I do not tell my sister this on account of me not wanting to seem like I’m bragging or anything – my son’s achievements are his and his alone – I just provide him with the love and affection he is entitled to.
So yesterday, my family had a gathering dinner. At previous gatherings, my sister likes to demonstrate how ‘special’ and praiseworthy her daughter was for quite ridiculous achievements – such as winning ‘best dressed’ at her school dance.
This gathering, she really made me mad. Not only did she tell everyone the usual so-called achievements of her daughter, but she also targeted my son in front of him.
She said, with the entire family present, that she wishes my son was as gifted as her daughter. Her daughter proceeded to join in and call my son, who is quite shy, a loser.
I then told her that her daughter was not special at all and that her achievements were absolutely nothing and meant nothing to anyone except for her. She left the table crying.
I was then called a jerk by those remaining on the table. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – Also at 13 plenty of kids are ‘gifted’ I graduated second in my class was a high school quiz bowl champ, State Vice President of Student Council, got 4 or 5 on all 9 of my AP exams, junior MENSA, turned MENSA member, got a full ride, and you know what I found at college…
almost everyone in the engineering school was just as smart, just as good at math, and some even better, like child prodigy better. Not to say he isn’t but at 13 years old…
holy cow, man, your kid is smart, but yeah at 13, let’s get him through puberty, girls, and the first time he smokes pot before you are so pretentious about your kid because yeah, you are using gifted ‘very lightly’ because what do I do now?
I’m a mid-level manager making middle-class money- not upset about it, but dude, you seem like ‘that parent’ that thinks their kid is way smarter than he actually is because he is 13, and lived nothing of actual life yet.” HyruleJedi
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
There was no need to stop to her level and certainly no need to insult your niece. Would it have been so hard to tell them your son’s accomplishments and ask that they refrain from insulting him? Just bring up the fact that she’s a grown woman picking on a young teen.
That’s usually enough to get people off the aggressor’s side.
As an adult in that family and as a father, it is your job to teach these kids to be kind to others, not to tear others’ accomplishments down.
Even if they do seem small to you, she and her mother are proud of them.
They were being jerks, but maybe handling the situation a little more delicately would have made her realize she was the jerk in this situation.
I would talk to the two of them and apologize. Mention that their remarks about your son hurt and that you are proud of what both have accomplished. It sounds stupid, but has helped me stop aggression like that in my family.
Just speak like an adult.
Also, congrats on their accomplishments. I hope that someday soon your guys’ kids will see eye to eye.” AnnaGunn21
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Obviously, what the sister said was wrong and the 14-year-old joining in was worthy of a ‘my son has plenty of achievements and I don’t appreciate the way you’re talking to him’, but can we please take a second to realize that you actually told a 14-year-old, which are still pretty impressionable and often insecure about their positions in life, that she had accomplished nothing and nothing she did matter? Pretty harsh and immature.
You did nothing to help your case with your sister or her daughter, you stooped down to their level and did exactly to the daughter what you didn’t want to be done to your son.” deadpale
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