People Want Our Objective Thoughts On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. WIBTJ If I Move Away From My Family With Newfound Wealth?
“So I come from a really poor family. I grew up with just my mom & younger sister, & my mom was a horrible mother to me. I dealt with all kinds of horrible things you can imagine.
I started programming at 13 because I thought it was really cool. I put in so much work & passion for so many years without making a single dollar. Well as soon as I turned 18, my mom kicked me out of the house.
That same month, I moved to a bigger city in California with another programming friend I met online. She helped me get a job at the company she was working at, & I’m forever grateful for that.
I started earning a lot fast. It was a really intimidating time of my life, because not that long before, I was walking 2 hours every day to the closest Costco to get my daily $2.49 pizza & soda meal.
It’s all I would eat once a day to make my couple dollars last.
Eventually, I started having nicer things. I wanted to know what it felt like to ‘be wealthy’, at least my idea of it.
I bought a really expensive German car, something you’ll never see in the small California town I came from. This was 2 months after getting kicked out mind you. It was surreal.
My mom obviously caught onto everything once I came to visit my little sister for the first time after leaving. She never apologized for what she did to me. She just started being really nice to me.
I took my sister shopping & bought her a lot of clothes. My mom noticed that I never offered her anything & she blew up at me. Saying I’m ungrateful that she took care of me & didn’t leave me abandoned on the street.
Which is… just wow. I get back home, & I’m getting texts from my mom that she doesn’t have funds to pay bills. I started giving her funds for everything. It was draining…
This went on until I lost my job.
I lived off of the few savings I had for the next year. During that year, I built my own startup, & it slowly started growing, up to this point today.
Nobody in my family knows yet, but I’m now earning a lot again, 7x more than my 1st job. All on my own.
I now want to buy a house in Washington, I just want to be alone.
I hate being close to the place I suffered so much. I just want to be happy. But I just feel guilty. I feel like a jerk for moving away from my family to enjoy wealth somewhere far away.
My mom is struggling financially, but I just don’t have the mental capacity to feel like an ATM for her.
I’ll still visit my sister every month, & make sure she & my mom have everything they need, but my mom doesn’t deserve to live in wealth & frankly, isn’t mature enough for it either.
It also sucks knowing my sister is also going through what I’m going through, but I wouldn’t be a good parent to her either, I’m only 20, and I’m still learning how to take care of myself.
WIBTJ for not telling my family about my new wealth & simply leaving? And for not taking my little sister with me, knowing she’s also going through the same thing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You don’t owe your parents anything, especially if you suffered awful things at their hands. You worked hard for what you’ve made, and it seems like you’re being incredibly considerate by taking care of your mom and sister.
It’s okay to set boundaries, and it’s okay to not tell them about how much you’re making to avoid being taken advantage of. Your mother should have treated you better as a child if she wanted an adult relationship with you.
It’s not your responsibility to be a parent to your sister, either.” emismith1995
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you ever decide to have kids, and you stayed closer to your mother, as they grow your kids will notice how much it affects you.
I should know, both of my parents were severely hurt by their parents and my mom especially gets uncomfortable with her mom being in our space for long periods of time.
My dad’s behavior is different because of how close they live to his family (but it’s better now). It’s a hard decision to make, but it is for the best. As hard or as selfish as it feels right now, live for yourself.
It’s more than needed. Trauma is hard to get through, but I promise you, there is always a light in the darkness. Things get better.” Living_Meringue2750
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The minute she could, your mom threw you out.
The minute she figured out that you had money she could guilt you into giving her, she is sorry for what she did to you. You need to run far away and keep your financial status from your mother because she will never be grateful for the things you have given her, while at the same time being resentful that you can’t keep giving her more.
Do what you can to take care of your sister by being sure her basic needs are being met, and if you want to do more, start a savings account for her so that when she turns 18 she will have a head start once she is out of your mom’s house.
That way your sister doesn’t get guilted into always giving up the things you have given her, to please your mother.
Firewall yourself from your mom, unless you want to spend your life living in your mother’s guilt trip.” BishopDarkk
20. AITJ For Not Eating Vegan Meat Substitutes?
“My roommate is vegan and I am not. I have literally no issues with what she chooses to eat, why would I? We decided to go out to dinner tonight. She said she wanted to go to a vegan diner.
I hate vegan meat substitutes, I think they taste bad, but what’s worse is the texture. It makes me want to vomit. Plus I like eating meat. When she recommended this place I said I didn’t really want to go there and countered with a Thai place because it has a lot of vegan options for her and non-vegan meat-based options for me.
She asked why I didn’t want to go to the vegan diner. I told her I don’t like fake meat and cheese. She then got annoyed with me saying that I’m being dramatic and she can’t eat meat, I can eat meat substitutes.
I said she can eat meat, but she chooses not to, which is fine, but it’s also fine that I choose not to eat fake meat. It’s the same thing. I respect her dietary choices so she should respect mine.
She said it’s not fair that we can’t go where she wants because I won’t eat vegan meat substitutes, I said I could say the same thing because I really wanted to try the new chicken place that opened up in our neighborhood, but I’d never ask her to go there because she doesn’t eat meat.
I said we’re going out together so just go somewhere we both like. She got mad and called a friend and went with her to the vegan diner.
Edited to add this is a vegan place that specializes in making traditionally meat-based meals vegan.
Like I couldn’t get marinara sauce and pasta.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with vegan food – done well it is good food and the lack of meat is irrelevant.
However I would completely agree with your stance on meat substitutes – while a meal that was always intended to be vegan can be great in its own right, when it is a traditional meat-based dish made with substitutes that taste similar to the meat version but not quite right, that can ruin an otherwise good meal.
Fine if you don’t eat meat and would like the closest thing, poor if you normally have meat and are left with an inferior stand-in (though I will admit I have not yet tried a lot of the more recently developed options, they could be better).
At that point it is just a choice between restaurants like any other – it is between the two of you whether you take turns (and she accepts your choice next time without complaint), eat separately, or whatever other solution suits you.
The issue isn’t necessarily vegan/not vegan, but the food I enjoy eating/food I do not enjoy eating.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You’re not the jerk for not wanting to eat substitutes but I’ve literally never seen a vegan restaurant where you couldn’t eat just vegetables without the substitutes.
It was one dinner, and it was clearly important to your roommate to go to that particular place, you could have chosen to suck it up. Similarly, she could have sucked it up and found vegan options at the Thai place.
Thai is in fact one of the most vegan-friendly cuisines.
Either you’re both jerks for not compromising or neither of you is because, in the end, it really doesn’t matter, you’ll both be over it tomorrow because that’s what real adults do.
Now if this becomes a sore subject then whoever chooses to prolong the issue will be the jerk, but until then my vote is ‘no jerks here.'” Pretentious-fools
Another User Comments:
“Generally speaking, vegans and vegetarians can’t just sit down and eat a meal of meat one day without some pretty unpleasant consequences.
I’m speaking from experience here. It’s also just not accurate or helpful to compare an ethics-driven diet to a taste-driven one. Regardless, you’re definitely NTJ.
You already gave some fake meat products a shot and didn’t like them.
Good on you for being open-minded and trying something new. (I’m a vegetarian and find them nauseating too, btw!) It sounds like this particular vegan diner may not have other meat alternatives like I dunno, breaded/fried tofu nuggets with vegan BBQ sauce or something.
Or you don’t like that either, whatever.
Most importantly, you presented an option that could accommodate both of your diets. That was 100% the right thing to do! She refused that because—I gotta assume—she had already unilaterally decided on the vegan diner.
In that case, she should’ve said, ‘So sorry, can we reschedule? I really wanna try this new vegan place,’ and made those dinner plans with her vegan friend in the first place.” mighty-ginger
19. AITJ For Leaving My Kids To Go Help My Sister?
“So my sister recently had a baby girl!! She lives out of town so we don’t get much time together in person but are still exceptionally close. I live with my husband and our 3 kids, my mom and dad, and my brother.
So I had taken time off work to visit her for a few days. I had planned on bringing my youngest son because he still breastfeeds to sleep. (He can sleep with a bottle).
Anyway, the day I’m supposed to go to her house, my youngest seems to have a runny nose and congestion, I don’t want to get my niece sick. I was going to cancel, but my husband told me to go, to leave the kids with him and go because she needs me, just bring my pump to keep supply and go.
So I do.
So tell me how this morning my husband says everything’s good, my mom and dad say everything’s good. But my brother is blowing up my phone telling me ‘What kind of mother leaves her sick baby (he’s 1 btw) to go spend time with someone else?’ ‘You have your priorities messed up’ ‘Mom’s gonna have to help A with them all weekend and clean up after them by herself.’ Seriously he called and yelled at me… I cried leaving my baby behind and now I feel like such a trashy mom who is just taking advantage of my support system.
AITJ?
Edited to add: my son is teething, we have 10 people in our house and only he got a runny nose. No fever or cough a runny nose while he is popping two teeth in the front.
I wouldn’t risk getting any baby sick let alone my niece. I am also taking precautions to avoid her getting any germs off of me…Also, mom did take her turn when the baby came home from the hospital.
She spent a week, it was my turn to help and bond.
Update to add: The weekend went swimmingly, baby is an auntie’s girl now lol. My kids are happy and healthy… husband misses me but happy I got this time to bond with my niece.
Mom and dad are coming to bring me home and have a visit too. Sister is well and happy she didn’t have to cook or clean too much the last couple of days while I was here to help.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your brother needs to keep his nose out of your family’s business before his nose gets punched. Your husband says he has everything handled. Besides, it’s a runny nose. Kids get runny noses all the time! This is in no way a crisis.
In no way did you run off in the middle of the night leaving someone else holding the strings. You made sure everything was handled.
Bluntly, your brother is a trashy human being.
He either enjoys being a bully or he is projecting his own issues on you. While you are helping your sister, block him and keep him blocked until he can act like a human being (and, preferably, until he apologizes).” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If your ppl didn’t want to take care of your baby they should have said something. They were obviously fine with it and he’s just being rude. Everyone needs a break even if it’s to see another baby.
And it’s not like you weren’t going to bring him. He got a little sick. Being out wasn’t what was best for him or your niece. It’s not like he caught the flu.
It was a little cold. You shouldn’t feel bad. And your husband is still there, it’s not like you left him with your mom alone.” Delicious369
Another User Comments:
“So NTJ! Husband and Mother are supportive of your visit and THAT is all that counts! Brother, on the other hand, is a total jerk! It’s NONE of his business WHAT arrangements you make nor does it seem like he has ANY knowledge or experience with parenting let alone his TOTAL lack of compassion for your/his sister! This ISN’T a stranger that you dropped everything for and you didn’t ABANDON your family! You rushed out, after making appropriate arrangements WITH approval, to assist a family member because YOU have help at home where SHE has very little! You’re an awesome Sister AND Mom! Enjoy your Niece and the visit with your Sister!” JipC1963
18. AITJ For Telling My Mom Her Family Isn't Worth My Time And Effort?
“I’ve never felt very close to my extended family (cousins, uncles, etc) on either side. My mother’s side was a big part of raising me when I was very young (5yo and younger) but my parents divorced, my father got custody, and we lived in the Midwest whereas my mother’s side of the family was in Mexico and Houston, TX.
My father passed away 15 years ago (when I was 20), and I’ve had very little contact with my dad’s side of the family before or since.
Mom is an old-school Roman Catholic Mexican, and she is all about family.
She insists and pressures me constantly to make an effort to be close to her side of the family. She thinks with technology and effort we can overcome the distance. This is probably true, but I don’t want to.
I already have more people in my social life than I want and am spread thinly on time/social energy – I want to reduce the people in my life not add more.
But she tells me they feel a strong bond towards me because they helped raise me young, and I don’t remember it. Also, she says I’ll regret not connecting with the family once it’s too late.
I’ve told her how I felt (my sister feels the same, she’s also told mom but more harshly than me) a few times but she doesn’t/can’t accept it. She just stays quiet until some days/weeks pass and pressures me again to connect.
‘Mijo, call your cousin’ or ‘Mijo, your abuelita loves you and misses you, why can’t you just call her?’ Well because I’m not interested in spending the time, and it’s a waste unless I make the continuous investment of my time, which I don’t want to do.
I know her well, it’ll never be enough until I’m talking with them all the time.
Finally one day she asked me very directly – ‘why don’t you want to have a bond with your (Mexican) family?’ And I told her ‘they aren’t worth the time and effort.’ I’ve tried to tell her gently many times before and wanted it to sink in, but I hurt her feelings pretty bad.
Maybe just calling them whenever she asks is the lesser evil. I dunno.
AITJ?
Edit: I forgot to say that family is one of mom’s core values, and she is genuinely distraught at the idea that her family ties are going to be severed by her children.
She grew up surrounded by family and sees us alone and sincerely can’t believe it’s possible for us to be happy without family.
Edit2: they used to call me on birthdays and other occasions (i.e.
they did make some effort), but I wasn’t interested and they eventually stopped.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I think she needs to ease up on the pressure, but your attitude is self-centered. Telling your mother her family isn’t ‘worth the time and effort’ is cruel.
And your reasoning for not wanting to call them is totally selfish – you’ve calculated that it can’t benefit you in any way and would be a ‘waste’ of your ‘investment,’ so you don’t want to do it.
But your mother has pointed out that these people love and miss you. This is one of those times you could do a small thing for someone else’s benefit. Just be kind.” WebbieVanderquack
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ because of what you said.
‘They aren’t worth my time and effort,’ is pretty harsh and probably stung your mom pretty bad. However, your mom shouldn’t have kept pushing the issue. She should’ve respected you from the get-go and your decision and she probably wouldn’t have gotten her feelings hurt.
You aren’t under any obligation to have a relationship with them and they should’ve been nurturing these relationships your entire childhood, rather than guilt-tripping you over it now. If they had been more involved from the beginning things might be different, and that’s on them.
Also, the phone works both ways. they can call you, too. They can reach out, too. It’s a two-way street and shouldn’t fall completely on you. I have a family I was super close with during my childhood and I rarely see them anymore or talk to them.
They don’t make any effort to see me either. I still love them but things change in adulthood. I would imagine that this is extremely difficult for your mom to accept due to cultural reasons.
It’s a tough situation. Your feelings are valid and I’m sorry you are going through this. Good luck.” Ok_Individual9340
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, do all the YTJs on here have issues with reading this clearly? The wording you said was harsh, but it’s clear you were pushed over and over to the brink with this by your mother when you made your ‘no’ clear.
These people haven’t been a part of your life, they’re acquaintances… no… strangers to you.
Regardless, it’s not wrong to have boundaries and to decide what kind of relationship, if any, you have with others even if a bit of DNA is shared between you.
Plenty of people don’t have relationships with extended relatives – whether it be due to geographical distance, nothing in common, different values, lack of interest, poor behavior, or a million other things.
They can still even be nice people and you just don’t feel the connection, don’t force it. You can be cordial if you run into and recognize each other someplace, but you say you are already spread thin and don’t want to have relationships with them. That’s enough reason. You choose who is in your life and it’s only going to create stress and resentment if you let others dictate that for you.” CantaloupeMilkshake
Forcing family bonds will never happen. Either they will naturally happy or they never will. From birth to five years old? That's not long enough for him to feel the bonds and his mom is way outta line for trying to force him to make family bonds.
17. AITJ For Not Getting The Hint That Mom Wants Me To Buy A Clock?
“My mother and I (19 turning 20) went into the local op shop. Mum found a little red clock that she wanted and dropped hints that I didn’t get (I’m a high-functioning autistic).
I started wandering around not realizing that she wanted me to buy it for her for Christmas and after we left she decided that we should go get it, but the clock had been sold when we went back.
She got angry with me, told me to pick up a plate she liked and told me to put it down again and we left with my mother angrily talking about the clock and how I hurt her feelings, which ended up with her accusing me of not caring.
So I told her I would go back and get it (We thought that it was sold but didn’t know for sure).
I went back and got the plate she liked and a plate I thought she would like, went to town to buy her things, I got two donuts for when I got home and went looking for books and tea-related stuff.
Couldn’t find anything within our price range or that my mother would like (we have some financial difficulty at the moment). Got told to go home, went home, and asked if we learned our lesson.
Mum says she should’ve been a bit more obvious and that she got over it last night and is now acting like I’m the jerk. She told me not to give her my thing in response to me showing her a book from my bookshelf that I thought she might like (she said she bought it, but she didn’t I did).
I feel like trash and my mother is still angry with me.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you do not owe anyone a present. If your mum wanted it, she should have said so instead of dropping hints.
Regardless of you being neurodivergent, assuming people get the hint to buy a present is always an inconsiderate move. Presents are something you get someone because you want to not the other way around (I am sure you would have wanted to buy it if you were aware of the situation).” HappyChefChristoph
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
People are not mind-readers. If you want something or would like it as a gift you mention it. If you are related to someone who is neurodivergent and you want to give them gift ideas for you the best way to do it is to be blunt about it.
‘Hey, I really like the clock, if you haven’t gotten me anything for XYZ yet, this would be nice.’
Expecting people to surprise you but just knowing what you want is stupid.
Gift expectations are stupid unless it’s obviously one-sided (between you and a partner or you and a sibling or friend).” whereisourfarmpack
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
How does the mother of a high functioning autistic person not know that their kid is incapable of picking up hints and they have to be direct? That’s on her.
If you want to you can see the shop manager and ask them about it. Maybe they have a photo of it or have some info at all that would let you find it on the internet so your mom can still have it at Christmas. It’s a long shot but worth a try.” IsThatMarcy
16. AITJ For Telling My Mom I Won't Babysit Her Children?
“My (16F) mom and I have always had a rocky relationship. She remarried when I was six and always put her new husband and kids above me.
I have four younger half-siblings (10M, 6F, 4F, 1M), the older three are all autistic, with the youngest already showing signs.
He’s almost two and due to get assessed soon. Apparently, it’s my stepdad’s age? He’s almost sixty. Old guys make more autistic kids I guess?
Anyway, he works a lot and so my mom is the main parent.
Recently she’s started working again and expects me to babysit all the time. She’s guilted me in the past, telling me it’s part of being a family, and it’s my duty as their older sister.
I’m over it. Last week she did the same thing, guilted me over it, and asked me what she was supposed to do if I wouldn’t babysit. I told her I wasn’t her live-in babysitter, and she could hire one if need be, but I’m not gonna do it.
She called me ungrateful.
Anyway, the day before last I woke up to a note saying she’d been called into work and I had to stay with the kids. I got annoyed, packed up my things, and left, leaving all four kids.
They were still asleep, so I didn’t think it was too dangerous.
I sent her a message saying I wasn’t staying, and she better get someone to drop by soon. She wound up having to leave work and got into a decent amount of trouble over it.
I’ve since been staying with my dad and his brother, who both say I was in the right. Dad said I should have called the cops for child abandonment but I’m pretty sure that’s too far.
Mom told me she could lose her job over this. Important clients, I guess. I told her I didn’t care. She should have made plans for her kids before she left.
I know she’s been really panicking about it, and my stepdad called and asked me to at least apologize to try and soothe her. I told him I wouldn’t until she apologized for treating me like a nanny.
Now I’m starting to regret my choices. I was mad at the moment, but a lot could have happened at the time I was gone. I’m feeling more guilty now, especially after my stepdad’s call.
So, was I the jerk? Did I go too far? Should I apologize?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t agree with leaving kids home alone, that being said you’re also still a kid yourself so that one is tough.
NTJ for how you feel. Your mom is a jerk for how she’s treating you. You said no. No means no. It is not your responsibility to babysit. That is a lot to put on anyone, especially a 16-year-old girl.
It’s not your job to sacrifice for siblings. It’s a parent’s job to sacrifice for their children.
The family excuse is a nonsense guilt trip tactic. Her job is NOT an actual emergency.
If she couldn’t stay home it falls to your step-dad. He is capable of helping with his own kids. I’m sure if it was a legitimate emergency situation as in one of your other siblings had to be rushed to er, you’d step up and watch them.
She left you a note as a way to force you to watch her other kids. She knew she was leaving her other kids in the care of someone who didn’t want to watch them.
That’s on her.
I hope you can live with your dad, this might be the best solution all around.” Beginning-Pop-6615
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re still a kid. I know sixteen is old enough to drive etc but you have two more years before you’re legally adult and that comes with perks such as being allowed a life.
You didn’t have the kids. I know a lot of people are going ‘But they’re disabled!’ Yes and? That’s more reason for qualified childcare, not a teenager who doesn’t want to be there.
She’s trying to offset her responsibility.
What happens if you decide on college? What happens if you’re sick? What happens if you have to go do other things? Yes, child care is more expensive for people who have disabilities but that’s not the concern of a child.
I am sorry you’re being emotionally neglected. The reality is that some parents don’t realize they’re doing this. It doesn’t change the reality for you. It does however mean you shouldn’t go back.
Not until she can accept that this was inevitable and she needs to figure it out.
I am an autistic adult. Non-verbal, used to bite when frustrated. I wasn’t a reasonably functional person until I was old enough to figure out alternatives for communication.
Some of this was being failed by my parents in a similar way. Somehow I was ‘dangerous’ but also perfectly capable of watching the children born after me. These children need specialized care no matter what amount of difficulty they’re facing in communication with a long-term look at consistency.
If they get used to you then you’re gone for schooling? It’s going to be chaos. Also more guilting.
I do understand your mother’s side on this but she shouldn’t have forced the issue.
The fact you woke up to a note vs her waking you and communicating with you is why I am set on her being the jerk. If it’s so bad to leave them asleep without supervision she shouldn’t have done this and set a precedence.” FirebirdWriter
Another User Comments:
“Google parentification.
It’s a form of exploitation.
Asking a minor to look after 3 children with autism is also negligent to all the children involved.
I agree with your dad saying you should have called the police or social services and left when they arrived.
I don’t know what judgment to give here. I don’t want to call a kid who’s being exploited a jerk and I should expect that a minor will make errors of judgment, but I think a 16-year-old should know you shouldn’t leave such young, vulnerable children alone.
What if they had started a fire or wandered outside etc. So many things could have gone wrong in a short amount of time.
Everyone sucks here, but your mum takes the jerk trophy for setting up such a dangerous situation, you get a jerk participation certificate.” FloppyEaredDog
15. AITJ For Making My Family Pay For My Craft?
“I do crochet as a hobby. Even though it is a hobby, it is a serious one, and I’m planning on opening an online shop one day. For now, I only take commissions from friends and family.
I was hesitant at first to make people pay for my hobby, and then I realized how expensive it could get so I decided I would sell my products, but a bit less expensive than market prices.
My family really likes what I do, and so they asked me if I could craft them some products. Of course, I am willing to, but I told them I would make them pay for it if, and only if the product they ask me to do is a bigger one (because it takes a lot of time and materials).
They would have to pay for shipping whatsoever because the country I live in has exorbitant international shipping prices and taxes (my family is split across Europe).
However, they think I am a butthole to make the family pay.
An important point to precise is that I am a student and my parents send me funds to pay for my housing, school, and food. I do however pay for the materials I need with the money I make with my student jobs.
I can understand how making family pay when they help me so much is kind of a butthole move, but crafting and shipping costs don’t care if you are family or not.
If I was using the funds they send me to pay for the materials it would of course be free for them.
So AITJ for making my family members pay for my crafted products?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As a fellow crocheter and knitter, this grinds my gears. I think this is something everyone who does yarn work encounters. Even medium-quality yarn adds up when you are doing a large project, not to mention the time and energy it takes.
I find that people who want it as gifts also are the ones that will never use what you make them. I will usually make a few gifts for the holidays but only for immediate family and only if I know they will be appreciated and used.
My advice, spell out for them how much the yarn costs and how many hours of work are going into it. Tell them you don’t have the funds or time to do it for free.
If they don’t get it just ignore them or find a 1 skein bulk weight project that you can work up fast.” Trippytrickster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Fellow crafter, mostly crocheter. Make sure they’re aware of how long crochet takes.
As part of my pre-agreement discussion, I estimate my time. It helps to give both total hours, and also standard work days/weeks. A 200-hour project like a big blanket is about five WEEKS of a full-time job.
Smaller stuff might still be a full eight-hour workday or two, depending on complexity and size. A lot of people struggle to conceptualize how much of an ask that is sometimes because they rarely see every step of the crafting process.
If you want to donate your time, you can – but they should be aware of what they’re asking for. I charge fam and friends a nominal fee per hour unless I intend the project as a gift.
For materials, I charge for what I have to buy new, but might only tack on a minimal amount for stash yarn that I have on hand without purpose. I haven’t run into shipping as an issue before (tend to only make things for people I see in person) but I’d definitely be passing on that cost as well, or looking for the lowest-cost bulk shipping back to family, so they can distribute from there themselves.
Judging from your post though, I get the feeling that your family may still downplay this significantly. I recommend going the ‘Gee, I WOULD, but I’ve got so much else going on that I really can’t fit in another project for a while…
Maybe later…’ route.” heFeralBookworm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Paying for the shipping yourself is fine if it’s a gift, but if it’s something THEY requested, then why should you eat the costs? I live in Europe too so I know how ridiculous shipping costs can be and I totally agree! My mum has a friend who knits and she does the same thing: charges the family for material and postage, but not time.
It’s called a family discount and it’s a well-known thing. Especially if you’re a student! Hobbies can get expensive, and if they were commissioning someone else to make something for them by hand, it would be a lot more expensive than what you’re asking for!” lumoslomas
14. AITJ For Leaving My Van?
“I drive 15-passenger vans between my college’s two campuses. Since it can get a little cramped and there’s no trunk space, sometimes people ask me to store their stuff between the two front seats.
This week, a guy asks me, and it’s fine, no big deal. I put his stuff upfront. He climbs in the back. Off we go.
So I drive to the other campus, everyone gets out, and the guy forgets to grab his stuff out of my front seat.
I get out and look around to see if he’s nearby, and I can’t see him anywhere. He’s gone.
It’s around 1:35 at this point, and I’m technically on break until 1:50 when I have to board passengers and drive back.
I figured if the guy came back for his stuff, I could unlock the van for him then. And I headed to Starbucks.
Fast-forward to 1:50. I come back to my van, sandwich in hand, and the guy is on the phone with someone and giving me death glares.
He tells me that he has a very important appointment, and as I unlock the van, I can hear him frantically trying to reschedule over the phone.
I don’t think I’m the jerk here — it’s not my job to babysit things passengers leave behind — but this guy was really upset and I feel kinda bad about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s the passenger’s responsibility to keep track of their belongings. It’s the driver’s responsibility to keep to their route schedule so all of their passengers get where they need to go on time.
The driver has 15 minutes to use the restroom, eat, hydrate, caffeinate, etc. They don’t have time to babysit their passengers’ forgotten items. The driver did their due diligence by locking the items up in the van where they couldn’t be stolen.” DangerousDave303
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If you’re on break then you’re on break.
You did what you could to try and get the guy his stuff. If I was in the passenger’s position I’d just be annoyed at my bad memory and the unfortunate timing around a break but obviously not a grudge against the driver.
What if you weren’t on break and had to drive somewhere else? Did he just expect you to wait around until he comes back for his stuff?” eutectic_h8r
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Officially you were on break and it is still his responsibility to remember his things.
You only left for about 15 minutes which isn’t long. If that caused him to have to reschedule that means his time management is off. (as being late for a couple of minutes wouldn’t be a huge problem).” Kitchen-Ebb30
13. AITJ For Being Angry That My Uncle And Parents Forced Me To Give Up 10 Dollars?
“I have been saving for a while, My family knows this.
My one uncle this is kinda about also happens to hate me with every fiber of his being.
My uncle had to do something with his work truck but only had an amount in coin change.
They knew that I had funds saved up but when they told me to give the amount he needed to him I told them no I wouldn’t and that I was trying to save up.
They kept putting more and more pressure on me to give the funds to him.
Kept saying I was being a jerk for saying no and other things I am not going to put on here.
After they kept doing that I gave up the funds unhappily and was told I would be paid back the next day.
My parent who was the one to say I was a jerk for not giving him it, gave me ten dollars back but I won’t let it go, because I was taught no means no.
I won’t let it go that they kept putting pressure on me to give up my funds to my uncle who hates my guts and then today the parent called me a jerk again because I won’t let it go.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and this is a big life lesson.
No one needs to know how much you have or that you are saving up. I had a friend (former) who was going to lose her house because the mortgage hadn’t been paid.
It was all due to mismanagement of funds and heavy drinking. She called me the day her family was to be evicted asking to borrow 10k. Neither of her parents would help because she already owed them thousands.
She knew I had the funds from a settlement from years before. She also knew I was getting married and that money was for the wedding and the marriage. I said no because I never would have seen a dime of it.” Impressive_Sail_3245
Another User Comments:
“I guess I would go for ‘everyone sucks here’.
Your parents: Shouldn’t have pushed the situation if you had already said no, coercion is a pretty crappy tactic and just reinforces the stigma that you follow rules, but parents/adults don’t have to.
(In this situation ‘no means no unless I (the parent) am demanding it of you.’)
You: Could have just given them the 10 if they were good for giving it to you the next day.
I would have gone with NTJ had they/your uncle refused to give you back the 10 as promised, but you got your 10 back, so the situation has been neutralized.” AlbinoLokier
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If your parents had the 10 bucks the entire time, then there was no reason for you to hand over said funds. You aren’t the bank, bailout plan, or primary lender for your family. No needs to mean no with everything, not just a handful of things your parents approve of. NTJ.” User
12. AITJ For Using The Same Bowl For My Daughter's And Cat's Food?
“So I have an 8-month-old daughter who, even though she eats solids doesn’t eat a lot. I have some little bowls that are the perfect size for how much she eats, so since she started solids these have been ‘her bowls’.
We recently got a kitten, she has a dish of dry food that is always accessible, and in the evening she gets some wet food. There is not a lot of room in her ‘food nook’ so after her water dish and dry food dish I needed something small for her wet food and decided the small bowls were perfect.
My SIL came to visit this week, she was here for dinner so saw me feeding my daughter from one of the bowls, then, later on, she saw me put ‘the same’ bowl down for the cat and got really angry with me saying I was disgusting, unhygienic, etc.
I explained that it wasn’t the same bowl (I always use the same one for the cat) but apparently it’s still bad. She said I’m putting my daughter and the cat at the same level.
She got some mutual friends involved and now they’re all saying I’m a jerk for treating the cat the same as my daughter.
I don’t know what to think anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I mean I am sure you use soap and water to wash your dishes. Plus dog and cat food are made of… get this cuz it’s funny… PEOPLE FOOD! Technically cat and dog food are considered the tv dinners while raw and home-cooked are best.
On top of that, your SIL must not be around kids too often because my daughter, nieces, nephews, friends kids, etc all decided by the time they were 1.5 years old that pet food should be part of their food triangle.
None of our kids died or got sick from deciding to have dinner with their cat. My daughter is 6 and I am constantly telling them to stop sharing food lol.” ManufacturerHuge2197
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As long as the cat’s bowl is actually separate, I don’t see what the issue is. And that thing about the same level is ridiculous – pets should be treated as members of the family, so her mentality is totally messed up.
Plus, if your child is that young, the message she is likely getting is not that she is not as important as the cat, but that they have matching bowls.
As to your SIL getting other people involved – do not they have better things to do? This is bonkers…” leolionbag
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – What your SIL just did is the equivalent of walking amidst a torch-wielding mob, pointing at you, and screaming ‘Witch!’
And here you are, wondering if she might be right after she awoke peer pressure.
Um… no. Let me tell you, your real friends and family won’t join the mob. The ones who do just want blood… anyone’s will do, for any ridiculous reason. They just want to rip you.
Use this opportunity to note who your real friends and trustable kin are. As for the mob? Those folks never need to be invited ‘inside’ your trust ever again. Will certainly make planning holiday dinners easier!” White_RavenZ
11. AITJ For Outbidding Someone?
“Recently I attended a charity auction held by the company I work for. Sitting at the table with me were my coworkers and their significant others. We were talking about the items being auctioned off when I find that one of the spouses and I both had our eye on a piece of autographed memorabilia.
We quickly talked about it and how cool it was, both saying that we were going to bid on it. When that item is put on the stand, we all raise our paddles (spouse, myself, and what looked to be 4 or 5 others).
We keep getting higher (several hundred dollar ranges) and then the spouse backs out. At this point, it’s me and one other person. We go at it a few rounds, next thing you know I win the item just shy of $1,000.
I’m ecstatic to have won and admire the piece when they bring it to our table. I glance over at the spouse and see that they appear disappointed, but not too upset.
Everyone else at the table seemed quite happy, and all felt normal. Not only a few minutes later the tone shifts a bit. The spouse talks to me more and more about the piece, and the rest of the table seems to be looking at me with a sense of disappointment.
I’m usually pretty good at picking up vibes from people and this felt peculiarly defensive. I’m not sure if they were upset at me for outbidding or what, but I feel bad about it.
I could also 100% be overthinking this.
After talking with the spouse more about the piece it was clear that they truly admired and wanted it. The item does not mean as much to me as it means to them.
Now knowing that I feel the right thing to do is to give it to the spouse but I do not want to bite the funds I paid for it.
I can’t tell if I’m overthinking or if I’m a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you bid higher you won it’s yours, spouse should just suck it up.
Do not give up your $1000 memorabilia. If the spouse really wanted it that badly are they prepared to at least offer OP their last high bid for the item, you could at least recoup some of your funds and suck up the difference as a donation.
Would seem a lot fairer than them just expecting you to give it to them. It may also create problems if you were to give the item to the spouse as it is a very expensive gift to be giving someone else’s spouse for no reason other than they wanted it more.” krank1e77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First off, you won the auction and you’re paying for it fair and square.
Second, even if you hadn’t won it, someone else other than them would have. They still would not have it.
Third, you were willing to pay more for it than they were at the end of the day. It belongs to you. You are being peer-pressured and guilted into giving something you just paid $1000 for to someone else, likely for nothing in return.
Even if they do want it more and means more to them, it still also means a lot to you.
Keep the item, it belongs to you.” Seliphra
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It wasn’t just you against her, she backed out beforehand – so she wouldn’t have had the money that it was obviously worth – and – it’s just a thing at the end of the day so she’ll get over it. This is how auctions work. I think if I was at that table I’d be more embarrassed for her making such an obvious deal out of it.” Too_Tired_Too_Old
10. AITJ For Giving My Husband My Unsolicited Opinion On A Job He Has An Interview For?
“My husband has an interview for a job that would require him to work until 7 pm. He previously said that he wasn’t sure that he would take the job as the hours weren’t great but it would be good interview practice.
Last night I echoed this and said that it would mean that he would not see much of our 7yo son and would result in more childcare and household responsibilities for me.
This morning he angrily told me that he was going to cancel the interview and he blames me for this. I’ve told him that I still think he should go to the interview as they may offer him alternative hours and it’s a good experience.
I confirmed that if he really wants this job I will support him. He is refusing to speak to me now and said it’s my fault he wouldn’t feel confident in the interview now so there’s no point in going.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
So… your husband said he didn’t really want to take the job, because of the hours, but figured he’d take the interview for practice… And then you come back later and say ‘yes, I do think the hours would be a problem because you won’t see our son much and it will put a lot of stress on me’ – essentially just AGREEING with him – and somehow that sets him off to having a tantrum, canceling the job interview for the job he didn’t even want, and now giving you the silent treatment?
I’m sorry, is he 7? Or is he an adult grown man with a fully developed brain who should be able to have much better communication skills? I understand unemployment is stressful, but he’s definitely the jerk here and I hope he apologizes and does differently next time.
It’s not an UNSOLICITED OPINION when you’re a couple who is living together and raising a child together. It’s NORMAL to discuss these things with your spouse/SO and NORMAL for them to give feedback on it.
He opened the conversation by giving his reservations about the job and you later added to it by agreeing with him and listing the reasons why. This is just… no. Maybe suggest counseling for better communication between you two if this is an ongoing problem.” trashchaos
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
This is one of those classic for better or for worse situations.
Your SO is struggling. Badly enough that they are doing what they can to get out of the job making them so stressed and unhappy.
They don’t have a history of lashing out at you, so that should tell you how bad he’s struggling. It sounds like he needs you, as his partner, to support him.
Instead, he got a list of why he should stay trapped in the place making him unhappy… because others are happy in the situation making him unhappy.
I don’t think your intentions were bad, and the impact of the job is something that would have to be discussed.
Just doing it in that way at that time tends to have more of a negative impact.
His mental health is also on him to learn how to manage. So if he’s beginning to get too stressed to communicate, he needs to learn how to address that.
Is he unemployed or just looking to switch jobs? Are you employed?
TBH this sounds like you guilt-tripping him. It’s not an ideal situation and he’s already aware of it. But if he needs a job, beggars can’t always be choosers.
Sometimes we have to settle for the things we can get until we can get a better situation. In the meantime, piling on the guilt just makes it worse when he’s likely just trying to do what he has to to keep everyone afloat, or just to get some more financial stability for his family.” Kare6Bear6
Another User Comments:
“Hey OP, first NTJ.
You brought up valid points and it’s worth mentioning because they are things that someone who is, say unhappy with their current position and looking for a way out, may not accurately be considering or thinking about.
Also, these things directly affect you and your family so you do have a right to bring it up.
You mentioned to someone that your husband is stressed and unhappy with his work.
Been there, and especially if there aren’t a lot of great alternatives out there it can seem like there’s no escape. I don’t know if this is the only real lead he’s got at the moment but that could be playing into it.
Basically, by giving him (valid) reasons to think about, he is seeing it as you putting up roadblocks that keep him from getting out of his current, stressful circumstances so he lashed out.
The reality is you’re not creating these things to keep him stressed; they exist whether he likes it or not and they need to be considered. He was wrong and again it’s probably more stress-induced than anything.” idiot_exhibit
9. WIBTJ If I Took Back My Dog Tags From My Wife?
“I’m (34M) in a bit of a moral dilemma and look to you all to pass judgment before I act. I am a recent military retiree. I am working on putting together my shadowbox as a retirement gift for my years of service in the armed forces.
I really want to include my dog tags as some memorabilia in the shadowbox itself. However, I gave the dog tags to my wife (30F) a few years ago so she could wear them around once in a while if they fit with her outfit.
I know where she keeps them and you can probably see where this is going. I want to just take them back to give to my shadowbox maker to put the dog tags in it.
To add a bit of a twist to the situation, I am currently in the process of getting a divorce. We still live in the same house ATM, but I’m staying in my office.
I know that she probably wouldn’t even notice them missing to tell you the truth.
So, WIBTJ if I just took the dog tags back?
Edit:
- Yes, I can have a replica pair made, but those would not hold the same sentimental value to me as the real ones that I wore while deployed.
- No, I have not taken them yet, that’s why I turned here for a quick moral check on jerkness.
- I could ask for them back, but I really don’t want to talk to her at all.
We are currently cordial with each other in this process.
Edit 2: To detail what an actual shadowbox is, it’s a piece of memorabilia that is dedicated to the years of service a member provided to their country.
Mine will have my service dates, the ranks I attained, pieces of my uniform, ribbon rack, mini medals, my retirement flag that was flown over the capital, mementos of where I’ve been, and my dog tags (at least I hope).
This shadowbox is a homage to my career and will become a family heirloom that I will pass down to my kid.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I believe that if you are going through a divorce, and there is a likelihood that your wife will not return your personal possessions to you out of some kind of power struggle, then you should take them back now.
The marriage is dissolved at this point, and you will probably have a property settlement, but she could easily decide to withhold them. Don’t make a big thing of it – just remove them.
IMO.” AffectionateMine2220
Another User Comments:
“YTJ unless you ask for permission. You can’t give something that meaningful to somebody and then unilaterally decide to take it back. I don’t know the circumstances of your impending divorce, but I’d imagine your time with your wife has had both positive and negative memories for both of you.
It could be that she won’t miss them and will happily return them, but it could be that they are a talisman of something precious to her and she would be very upset if she discovered them missing.
Even if the latter is true, if you were to have this discussion with her, she might be willing to part with them. If you don’t ask, you really could be intensifying any trauma she’s experiencing as a result of your parting.
Again, I don’t know why y’all are splitting up, and for all I know, I could be adding more motivation for you. Not asking would make you the jerk.” TurtleTheMoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s actually an easier moral decision because you’re getting divorced. If she regularly wore your dog tags as a way to be close to you while you were away, it would be awkward as they’d be more of a symbol of your love and closeness, even if you’re apart.
However, that’s not the situation.
Firstly, it sounds like it was more of a fashion choice than sentiment. From how you described it, it doesn’t really sound like she has a strong emotional connection with the dog tags.
As you’re no longer together, it makes sense to ask for them back, similar to how one might ask for a family object or heirloom back. Lastly, you want to use them for a specific purpose.
You’re making a lovely display to memorialize your military service. You’re not asking out of spite, but because you have a more meaningful use for them.
I don’t know your wife or your current relationship, so I don’t know if you’d be able to ask her to give them back.
It could be completely fine and she’ll hand them back without a fuss. However, I do understand that some people might act out of spite and end up never getting them back.
But if you can, it’s nicer to ask for them back instead of going through her stuff without permission.
I’m an Army brat, so I have an inkling of understanding about emotions around dog tags.
I grew up with my dad always wearing his dog tags, with my late mother’s wedding ring on there for a few years. Heck, I remember, as a little kid, running my fingers over the letters when I was cuddling with my dad.
I’m estranged from him now, due to stuff separate from his military service, which I only have good memories of. When he passes, I’d love to have either his dog tags or officer training school ring, to remember the great dad he was when I was a kid.” KayakerMel
8. AITJ For Refusing To Take Down My Rainbow Poppy Photo?
“So I (20f) changed my profile picture to a poppy for November and it’s a rainbow one (for people like Alan Turing, James Barry, etc)
My dad and mum have both been messaging my significant other (21m) demanding that he makes me take it down and it’s disrespectful on and on.
(It’s a red poppy with the rainbow in the middle.)
I’ve been ignoring their demands saying they can have their opinion but I’m not hurting anybody and don’t think it’s wrong to show appreciation for all vets but I could be wrong.
Am I the jerk for not taking down the poppy photo despite my parents getting angry?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I can get the point of view your parents have, military units really work hard at making all soldiers consider themselves as part of one large family and organization with no differentiation.
They are not always successful and work to learn from their mistakes, but as we used to say in the Army, we are all Green.
By highlighting a segment, you are taking away some of the recognition for the larger group as a whole and showing a sense of divisiveness in who you support.
(Again, I am not saying that is what you are doing, but I can see that is how some people think.)” S_Kilsek
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There are special remembrance days for minority groups who are veterans, to acknowledge the unique struggles they faced.
Canada has an Indigenous peoples day of remembrance specific to veterans who were Indigenous peoples.
This isn’t different.” Ladyughsalot1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are still displaying a poppy which shows respect for vets.
The rainbow center is to highlight a specific group. I see no issue with your poppy profile picture. On the other hand, I do have a problem with your parents messaging your partner. That IS hugely disrespectful.” del901
7. ATIJ For Lying To My Parents And My Partner?
“I’m a 26F, I’m currently trying to lose weight. I’m sadly at a point where I need to lose 90-100 pounds because I’m up into the 240s and I’m only 5’7.
I’m trying to stick to a diet, but, this week was very stressful and I’m up 6 pounds. My parents and my guy have been very supportive and I told them that, as a way to help them help me, I would let them know what I weighed every week.
Well, when I saw I was up 6 pounds, I panicked and immediately decided to lie, telling them I was down 3 lb. Unfortunately, I’m not great at lying, and my parents and partner are 3 of the most observant people on earth.
We were all hanging out and I said I was down 3. My folks asked if I was sure about that, but I insisted I was. My significant other gave me a skeptical look and I admitted to being up 6.
Rather than get empathy, it became a 3 on 1 argument about lying and how I’m only doing a disservice to myself.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Momentary panic is understandable and you only hurt yourself with it.
It’s nice that they’re supporting you (and an observant partner is a good thing). If you want to continue reporting your weight weekly as a way to be accountable, do so, and don’t be afraid to tell the truth.
It’s your decision. Apologize for not sticking to your agreement and lying to them and move forward – thank them for their continued help in whatever way you want it.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“First of all, NTJ.
Your lying for self-preservation (i.e., to not have to deal with a lecture from anybody) is perfectly understandable. Even if you just didn’t want to deal with it… so what??? That still wouldn’t make you a jerk.
Just human. Your family and partner’s comment about ‘doing a disservice to yourself’ sounds a little fatphobic, or at the very least distasteful. They clearly want to be there for you and help you succeed, but to say ‘you lying about 6% of your goal loss is a disservice’ is silly and dumb, and only shames you.
Shame is a horrible, awful, no good motivator. Even when the outer coating of that shame is love, it’s still counterproductive. You deserve a support system that will hype up your progress, and pick you up with grace and encouragement when you falter.
That’s how you get to the end result. Not through well-meaning shame.
You don’t have to incorporate any of my suggestions, but I do have a few for you that might make things easier or more manageable!
For starters, rather than a weekly weigh-in, try a monthly one! Women and AFAB (assigned female at birth) people have weights that are constantly in flux because of our menstrual cycle.
It sucks, but it’s how the cookie crumbles. Add on top of that a stressful week, and suddenly three good weeks in a row feel like nothing when you gain some weight because you’re bloated, retaining water, stressed, etc.
It’s a mind game, on top of an already difficult mental journey of losing weight. So at the very least, a monthly weigh-in gives you a better net weight loss over time.
Second, maybe instead of relying on a scale, you do a measurement of your hips, waist, and bust instead? This has worked for some people in my family who really couldn’t handle the mental toll of a scale, so I’m just throwing it out there.
Thirdly, just a point of caution, do your best to stay away from gimmicks and fad diets. That way lies madness. There might not be anything hot about the tried and true ‘eat well and move your body’, but with enough time and adjustments things work out.
Lastly: Losing any amount of weight is really, really tough. It takes a lot of discipline, mental and emotional energy, and time. Take your time, make sure you are feeling better each week, every other week, month, or whatever, and just do some mental health check-ins with yourself every now and then.
A lot of diet culture gravitates toward and suggests different forms of disordered eating. For your sake, do your best not to fall into these traps. Do your best, keep your head up, and keep on trucking.
You’ve absolutely got this! And if you’re finding that your parents and partner aren’t supporting you the way you need, don’t be afraid to reach out to other people in your life to see if they can offer up support.
Good luck OP!” ChocodilesAxolotls
Another User Comments:
“Sadly YTJ on this one.
There is no point lying about weight loss, it doesn’t help you. It also puts people off helping and supporting you.
No one is going to get angry or upset if you have bad weeks, you will have losses and gains.
Your support network is there to help you and encourage you which they can’t do if you lie to them.
Lying, no matter how small the lie, also damages trust.
Stressful weeks happen, that’s what your support is there for. Lean on them if things start getting on top of you.” GiantPixi
6. AITJ For Not Buying My Wife Anything For Our Anniversary?
“So normally we are not ‘gift’ people, we figure why buy crap the other person may not want, so birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, etc nothing. Plus we can afford to just buy the things we want (within reason), so why wait? I will usually cook an expensive meal she really likes, maybe buys chocolates or something for dessert.
This year we discussed it, and she said she didn’t want a gift, maybe have a nice night out instead. She decided she wanted to go to this expensive restaurant, maybe go out to this one place that hosts events.
I am all about it, as we have both been very busy preparing to move and rent out our current place, we have both been renovating things (ex: I replaced a toilet, sink and all the plumbing, part of the cabinet that had rotted out, she has been painting like a fiend and packing up).
So the night comes, and she assumed that we could just show up at the restaurant, I decide to call and check since I suspected it was a reservation kinda place, and guess what? They are booked out.
We end up going to another place she suggested, which is pretty average burgers etc and I can tell she is disappointed. Then it turns out the event place actually doesn’t have anything going on either, so we just go home.
Pretty disappointing for both of us.
The next day I come home from work after a somewhat frustrating day, and there are flowers on the table from her sister. She asks how my day went (fine) and then says that her day was going well until she got flowers from her sister and realized they weren’t from me.
She is obviously pretty irritated/bummed about this, and this may be the point where I am the jerk.
At this point I reminded her that we don’t buy each other gifts, she explicitly said she didn’t want any, and she replied that flowers aren’t really a gift and I used to buy them more for her (true, although not around gift times, just at random).
I remind her that she explicitly said she wanted to go out and not do gifts, and I really love coming home after work to have my spouse imply I am an inconsiderate jerk.
She knows I pick up subtext very poorly, and if she wanted something she should have asked for it. Also, she didn’t get me anything either.
She seemed very surprised that I was upset that she implied I was being a terrible spouse.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yikes… Going with YTJ.
I can tell you from experience she’s upset you didn’t pick up the phone and make a freaking reservation.
Something similar happened to me. I was looking forward to going to this amazing restaurant, we arrive and when the hostess asked what name the reservation was under I looked at my friend and said ‘your name or my name?’; she was like ‘Oh my, they don’t have a table, whatever happened to the days you could just walk in!’
It was honestly pathetic.
We ended up going to a subpar place and it was so disappointing.
Wasn’t my birthday worth a freaking phone call???
I’m guessing that’s exactly what your wife is thinking, then the flowers arrived, she thought it was a sort of ‘apology’, and it turned out you didn’t even send her flowers!! Then when she asks you you’re offended she’s upset and hurt.
You dropped the ball on this one.
I’d call and make reservations ASAP, take her out to the restaurant, then go to a show, and have flowers (at least three dozen roses) delivered.
Apologize profusely and make sure she knows you’re truly sorry.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Ignoring the restaurant being booked out part, because live and learn and next time organize that stuff a few weeks in advance just to be safe…
Your wife shouldn’t be getting upset about you following what was decided on and not getting her a gift… flowers are still a gift, just not a super big flashy one.
It’s understandable that she’s a little upset after what was meant to be a special night.
You’re kinda a jerk for not thinking that maybe after what was meant to be a special night had turned into a dud she might need some sort of pick-me-ups like a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates…
and using the ‘we said no gifts’ as an excuse for not being considerate is just weak.” SillyStranger5009
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – she is your wife. She does millions of tiny things each day for you, whether you realize it or not.
Divorce is far too common these days. You have someone who loves you enough to have married you? Buy the flowers. Show appreciation. Do the little things. Don’t make her tell you to or remind you to.
Just do it. And if she says no, say you bought them for you to enjoy, then observe. She will casually smell them, and comment on how pretty they are… women are women.
We love beauty, we love to feel loved and cherished, and we love to know that the person we do so many little things for (not commenting on that fart you just blamed on the dog) appreciates us.
Flowers are not expensive. Divorces on the other hand…” Angelaira74
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but note: She’s not upset about the lack of gifts, she’s upset that she asked for something specific for your anniversary in place of gifts and you agreed to it and then didn’t follow through.
You knew well enough that this place needed reservations, as you called the night of to see, but didn’t put in the effort to check ahead of time despite agreeing to her request after she took the time to pick out everything.
It could have been communicated better.
I’d suggest getting a reservation at that same restaurant and setting up another night after sitting down and talking about what happened. (Apologize for misunderstanding, and for the night itself.)” MaxieMayMFC
5. AITJ For Still Feeding My Daughter Meat Even Though Her Mom Is A Vegan?
“My ex-wife and I share custody of our 10-year-old daughter. My ex-wife has my daughter for 2 weeks then I have her for 2 weeks. My ex-wife has been a vegan for a few months and has recently been telling me to stop feeding my daughter meat or stop picking her up.
My now-wife and I have 2 kids together and she makes the majority of the meals we eat. When my daughter is here she eats what everyone else does, most meals have meat included.
The last time my daughter was here and I dropped her off my ex-wife called me cussing me out because my daughter’s poop ‘looked different’ because of the meat. I told her I’m not going to make a whole new meal just for our daughter to eat because her mom is a vegan.
My wife makes perfectly good dinners for us.
She and her mother are now attacking me and I just want to know if I’m wrong. My wife likes to stay out of these things because of previous drama so I just need a person who doesn’t know us.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“If your daughter is happy to eat meat at your house then she should be allowed to continue doing so. The World Health Organisation states that even though there are some risks associated with overconsumption of meat–particularly cured meats–that the overall nutritional benefits of meat-eating overall outweigh the risks.
While many adults do OK on a vegan diet, others end up having to leave veganism because of their health issues even after consulting with doctors and dieticians about balancing nutrients.
For children, nutritional deficiencies are far more damaging than they are for adults. Unless your daughter has a personal ethical objection to consuming meat, fish, eggs, and dairy, and would feel depressed or anxious or guilty about doing so, she’s better off getting some animal protein at your house.
Meat consumption is associated with better mood stability, as well, and for someone nearing puberty/adolescence, which is a rough time, it would be helpful.
Also, I am seconding everyone else who says that it is bizarre and creepy that your wife is inspecting your child’s poop.
She is out of diapers for many years now and presumably, she flushes, so… I don’t even want to think about how this is happening.
While it’s not unreasonable to look at someone’s poop if they’re sick or if their doctor asks for a description or a sample, what she’s doing is just weird and controlling.
NTJ. I’m not so sure about her mother.” cleverThylacine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if your daughter likes to eat meat and has no issue with it/meaning she isn’t vegan or vegetarian then what’s the problem? Forcing her to be vegan when she’s not is only going to make her unhappy, nobody wants to be forced to eat what they don’t want.
If she likes meat she can eat meat at your house. It seems like she’s fine with eating both vegan and non-vegan meals so I don’t understand why her mother is policing her food choices.
Also, super freaking weird she is looking at her daughter’s poop? Invasion of privacy and also really really creepy. Like. So creepy if my mom forced me to let her look at my poop I’d cry and want to move out it’s gross and uncomfortable and super weird.
Only going to make your daughter feel terrible that she’s forced to be fully vegan and that her mother literally looks at her poop (again what??)
Of course, if your daughter is vegan or vegetarian then it would make YTJ for making her eat meat.
But your post implies your daughter does not care about that kind of thing so literally, it should not be a big deal if you feed her meat. If she likes it enough to eat it, then so what? If she really hated meat then she just wouldn’t eat it at your house, she’s old enough to choose what she eats, so it’s obvious she has no issue with meat, just her mom.” iLoveKimDokja
Another User Comments:
“Info: how does your daughter feel about this.
You need an honest chat with her. If it’s something she genuinely wants to commit to, not because her mum is making her, then you will have to make reasonable adjustments for your daughter.
I’m a bit concerned that ex is checking her bowl movements tbh tho.
Everyone sucks here. You might not get along, but you and your ex need to work this out and actually co-parent together.
Your daughter shouldn’t be stuck in the middle of two adults. She also can’t dictate that you not pick her up because you won’t follow her rules either, just as you can’t say she’s not going back to her mum’s.
Separate houses will have different rules, but you both need to find a middle ground.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“We need more info! Never once did you mention what your daughter wants. I’m vegan and all I heard was ‘I am not giving my daughter the ability to vocalize if she wants to be vegan or not.’ If your daughter wants to be vegan, you’re the jerk.
If your daughter doesn’t want to be vegan, then you’re fine.
There is something you need to understand about veganism. We view animals’ lives as just as important as any other. A cow deserves just as much love and respect as the family dog.
They are all sentient beings, that is science and not emotions a human puts on animals. The majority of vegans view eating animals as animal abuse. It’s a very different mindset than someone who does not believe in animal rights.” thelil1thatcould
Immediately go to the judge and tell him/her that she's trying to force daughter to be a vegan and is trying to punish you for feeding her meat by not letting daughter visit. The judge should be able to straighten up the ex immediately.
4. AITJ For Being Upset That My Mom Didn't Take A Photo Of Me At My Graduation?
“I graduated, class of 2020, and my graduation ceremony was yesterday.
I have a troubled relationship with my parents but asked them to attend the ceremony.
My mum took lots of pictures but there isn’t one of me alone.
I feel kind of bummed out by this, like I don’t matter. She apologized but I still cried as I do not have a picture of myself and this was probably the biggest solo day of my life.
She said I should have asked her but during the day, there were so many emotions and so much happening that it didn’t occur to me to ask her and I assumed that she took a picture of me alone.
I spoke to her and she said she didn’t want to ask me as I didn’t like having my picture taken as a child.
But she still took lots of pictures of me with her, my father and my husband.
She also recorded the ceremony but I am sad that I do not have a picture of myself at my university graduation.
Edit: I have apologized to my mum because I should have asked her but was unable to because I have had a great deal of shaming in my childhood and feel embarrassed even for asking for a picture.
My husband took one and that is ok but I asked him to take another and my parents got involved and told him to get in the picture. So even when I asked for a picture alone, they felt that they knew better
Edit: I did not like having my picture taken as a child because my dad would ridicule my looks and my mum made a huge deal about my weight.
so I always felt too ugly for pictures as a child.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
It’s no one’s fault, it’s just a thing that happens. My stepdad is dying of cancer and I’ve just realized that I don’t even have a photo from my wedding with just him.
I’m incredibly upset, but it’s also not the photographer’s fault that I didn’t think to ask at the time, so there’s no point in me getting angry at her.
It’s okay to be upset, but try not to place the blame, it’s just an unfortunate thing.
Your mother isn’t a mind-reader, you forgot to ask. Things happen.” unapproved_dentist
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you wanted a posed solo picture, you needed to ask for that, nobody can read your mind.
That said, your mom recorded the ceremony. The moment you were handed your diploma is presumably on the recording, pull out a screenshot and have it printed up.” chernaboggles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
While you may have overreacted, it doesn’t seem like you lashed out and did anything particularly negative/jerk-like other than have a moment in which your sadness overcame you. I can understand why you felt upset.
Especially after reading the updates and your comments.
My ex never took any photos of my child and me, even when I requested them. And if he did, he would gatekeep them on his phone, I never got them.
I asked for newborn photography for my 1st mother’s day gift and instead was made to go for a boat trip with his family and forced to sleep on the couch b/c we got into a disagreement (this was 3 mths postpartum).
Later I asked for newborn photos again when the restrictions were lifting, and he kept asking me to reschedule or cancel until his family could make it. For many many reasons, I left shortly later.
On my first mother’s day as a single mom, I finally got my newborn photos done.” AirEquivalent5932
Another User Comments:
“Gentle ‘everyone sucks here’.
The real issue isn’t the pictures. The real issue here is that your family sees and uses you as a prop.
They are not going to stop doing this. You need to stop expecting them to stop complaining when your feelings are hurt.
Furthermore, you have a husband – he could have taken a picture for you.
Here’s the thing – I’ve seen this kind of behavior from women in my own Indian community. They’ve been socialized to believe that it is wrong to outright ask for what you want.
So instead they sulk or try to convince everyone around them that what they want is what you should want. This works in a society with a very set social script for people who are comfortable with that script. When you are neither in such a society nor comfortable with the script it is not going to work for you.
Congratulations on your graduation!” Unknown_Ocean
3. AITJ For Not "Contributing"?
“I am 25 single female, just graduated college, have three jobs, bad with time management.
I live in a house with my mom and sister who stay home most of the week.
My sister (24) just started college and is currently unemployed with no plans to get a job soon. My mother makes really good money working for a global company that lets her work from home.
Generally, during the week, the house is a mess. I have one job that I go to six days a week and stand up for hours on end. My other jobs are computer-based, and I can do them from home.
A typical day in my life is waking up at 5 am going to work for 8-10 hours, coming home, and doing an additional 4-5 hours of work on my laptop.
I have two dogs that I care for, including walks and park time when I can.
The other night I had to come home from work, cook myself dinner, and finish some work before a deadline.
The kitchen was a total wreck from my family cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the past week. The sink was packed on both sides with dirty dishes. I don’t typically eat at home, but I am broke this week.
Since the kitchen was already a mess, I figured they wouldn’t mind one more pot to wash; after all, I did wipe down the counters stained with gravy and BBQ sauce—big mistake.
The next day they both verbally assaulted me for leaving the kitchen the way that I did. (literally one pan and a knife for chopping veggies) They claimed that I don’t ‘contribute’ to the household because I never do the dishes or clean up the kitchen.
Then they blamed me for playing a victim even after I suggested that we clean up after ourselves so this issue doesn’t happen again.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Plenty of people on here have worked 2 or more jobs and can empathize with the lack of spare time to do anything.
Sometimes it’s tough just working 40 hours a week and maintaining a home. That being said, if your only ‘footprint’ in the kitchen was a knife, cutting board, and a pot, then you are leaving little for them to complain about.
You’re not the maid. If they want a clean kitchen then they need to learn to clean while they cook. NTJ.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I would have maybe done the one side of the sink, then washed my pot and knife while I was waiting for the food to cook.
Then I would absolutely suggest you all chip in for a weekly or bi-weekly housekeeper to help out. I completely understand not having time. If you can budget, it does help my mental health and physical health.” Smilesunshine57
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Think of what your life will be married with kids.
Those responsibilities will fall on you… You’ll work all day come, home cook, clean, wash clothes, finish homework, and bathe children. Now is the time to make good habits. It takes me 30 mins to clean up before my husband comes home.
I can load the dishwasher, sweep the kitchen, clean all surfaces kitchen & bathrooms, make the bed, and vacuum the rugs in 30 mins! You ALL need to learn to clean as you go…
when you shower, wipe down the counters, rinse the tub, and clean as you cook! If each of you spend 30 mins a day splitting duties you’d have no issues keeping the house clean.
You’re all adults and capable of making a cleaning schedule.” _iron_butterfly_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being tired after working so much. (Weird that you’re broke).
YTJ because you’re only considering your schedule and feelings/energy level.
Maybe your mom’s work is exhausting for her as well, and a similar scenario for your sis. Your post says nothing of their schedules and contributions.
You need to talk to them about dividing tasks.” InfallibleOpinion
2. AITJ For Nagging My Husband To Help His Mother With The Yard Work?
“I (F30) and my husband, (M31) live with my MIL. She is very sweet and treats us both well. Her home has a large yard, and she usually handles the yard work.
On occasion, she asks us for help, and usually, I end up being the one doing it. Husband, meanwhile, never helps. Some days, when I see her doing the work and not asking for help, I will ask my husband to go help her.
She’s older and can’t do all the work alone easily anymore, so someone should help her. He always refuses and argues about my asking him. This has happened more than once.
Now, some key information that MIL doesn’t know is that husband has a chronic leg infection, which does actually hurt if he’s out in the heat for a long time. I’m aware of this, but MIL is not.
Also, he and I both come from a culture where the wife takes care of the house and the husband earns income. This would mean that from a cultural standpoint, taking care of the garden falls under the wife’s responsibility, AKA mine.
This objectively does somewhat justify his refusal, but I personally don’t accept it, because I also have medical issues which limit how long I can be outside in the sun helping her.
Additionally, he doesn’t have a job and I go to Uni. So, he rarely has responsibilities outside a few public-facing requirements.
I feel like, if he gets to sit at home and largely do what he wants other than taking me to University (as he doesn’t have to do house chores either) then it shouldn’t be too much for him to help MIL with the yard work.
While I have no trouble with the expectations of our culture, I don’t feel like he can use that ‘role’ card when he’s not performing his role. However, our friends in the same culture think it’s none of my business, and that I shouldn’t keep bothering him about it, noting that I do it faster anyway so I should just do it.
Ultimately, I might be the jerk because the house is partially my responsibility even though I’m going to Uni and he’s at home all day. Beyond that, I know about his leg injury and how it limits his ability to help, but I still bother him to do it anyway.
Finally, his relationship with his mother may be none of my business, so I shouldn’t complain to him about not helping, especially when I can get it done faster anyway.
So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Going to say no jerks here.
The severity of the husband’s medical condition may limit what he can do especially if it causes pain or otherwise aggravates his condition. That said, he should be putting in as much effort to help as he can without aggravating his condition.
Better communication is needed between all parties here in order to get stuff done around the house without causing anyone harm.” DangerousDave303
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he has a medical issue that limits his ability to be out in the heat, then he absolutely should be doing as much of the inside work as he can to make up for his mother having to do the outside work.
Since he is neither working nor at uni and he’s not doing a share of the outside work, he should be doing a much larger share of the inside work than anyone else.” HelenGonne
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Unless your MIL is asking him directly for help and he is refusing, there isn’t really a problem. You’re inserting yourself in there and causing a problem.” FireLaCroix
1. AITJ For Saying My Partner's Cat Has To Go?
“My partner and I have been together almost 4 years. She moved into my house about 2 years ago. She has a cat who up until this point has been very friendly and a good cat overall (minus the typical scratching, barfing, meowing for food at 5 am).
I recently paid to have the basement finished. The very first day we moved the couch down there he peed all over it. That was a couple of weeks ago, and since then he’s done it multiple times, not just on the couch but also on the rug and our beanbag chair.
I told her the cat has to go because I’m not going to allow a cat to pee all over my stuff and stink up the house. She cried and said fine she will just get an apartment and live with the cat.
She took it to the vet and they gave it anxiety medicine but it’s not working. We tried putting its food down there so it doesn’t pee, didn’t work. Everyone I’ve talked to said once they start they don’t stop.
I have a daughter and she and my partner are pretty close, we all are. But she wants to live with a cat rather than us which to me is a red flag.
Am I the jerk?
Edit: his litter box is located in the basement. It’s like 5 feet from the stuff he’s peeing on. He knows how to use it, he’s just choosing not to.
Edit: he went to the vet last week and is physically fine. He also has diffusers, relaxing food, and a relaxation collar. Thank you all for the advice, I was just frustrated that we’ve tried all of these things and he’s ruining the house I owe funds for.
We will try some more things.”
Another User Comments:
“Cats like peeing on your stuff about as much as you do. They have a deeply ingrained instinct to bury their scent, and though a litter box isn’t even ideal, they do us the general favor of complying with what we offer them.
If my cats pee on things, I immediately think about what I’ve done to make it seem better to pee in that place than in the burying place.
My girl cat, bless her, will happily pee on clothes on the floor if I let them mound up high enough to dig in.
Your bean bag chair, as much as you like it, may offer the same soft attraction.
Do his claws get caught on the new carpet? I might get annoyed enough to pee on something, too, if it kept tripping me.
If he’s declawed… And seriously that’s an awful thing to do to a cat… Ask your vet if he’s maybe having pain in his paws and legs from his altered gait.
Because declawed cats can’t walk naturally.
Does everything smell crazy down there, even if you can’t notice it? Probably. Get some Feliway or similar. It’s a plug-in that generates a soothing fragrance that calms crazy cats.
Our kitten was so upset that HIS boy spent every other week at his Mom’s place that he (the kitten, not the boy) started pooping on everything, but I kept Feliway up for a few months and got him to calm down.
Thank God. And I don’t even need it anymore.
Did he used to hang out down there? Dude, you stole his zone. Give him a new one. Incorporate some cat furniture or even steps up the wall so that he can climb and survey his territory from a safe spot.
And make sure there are places he can scratch while you’re at it.
Do you or your partner play with him? Do it more. Wear his butt out with joy so he doesn’t expend his energy on his nerves.
More litter boxes. MORE LITTER BOXES. More than you’d ever imagine you need. Three, four. And clean them like mad. You can pare down the number later, slowly, once he’s being appropriate again.
Oh, and if you changed litter, change back. And if you’re using that crystal thing, get rid of it.
Then go watch My Cat From The Underworld. There are full episodes on YouTube.
Jackson Galaxy is my hero. He understands cats on their level, and even for those who have and love currently-behaving cats, you can only learn how to make them happier and healthier.
My herd of three has benefitted greatly from it. (The show has a stupid name, though.)
And YTJ. If you want to be a decent human being and keep your partner, search for the solution the cat deserves.” DarkTrueSalt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this is not your cat, but it is ruining your stuff and creating potential health risks.
Your partner may be upset, but she needs to deal with this issue ASAP. The cat deserves a healthy environment but has not adjusted to the new basement smells yet. This is your partner’s issue to provide comfort and stability for her cat.
You have every right to give alternative options to the cat’s situation, and your partner needs to make a decision. From your post, it doesn’t sound like your partner has tried anything besides going to the vet.
Move the litter box, add another litter box, put a calming collar on the cat, add calming oil plugs in the basement, etc. One of my ex’s cats would spitefully pee often.
It ruined parts of the apt, furniture, and some of my things. The grossest part was my ex’s solution of putting a plastic liner on top of her bedding. Then, the pee would be cleaned sometimes daily and the liner would need to be cleaned/washed.
Once the cat is gone, get your carpets, flooring, and furniture professionally cleaned and tell the tech it’s due to pet urine. They have specific treatment chemicals for that. I hope the pee hasn’t ruined your subfloor.” todreamofspace
Another User Comments:
“The fact that you immediately want to get rid of it is a big red flag in my opinion.
Cats get stressed over changes so it’s quite a common thing for cats to pee outside the litter after moving or switching up furniture etc. They usually need some time. What you can try is vinegar when you clean the couch, it usually stops them quite well since they don’t like the smell.
You can also put some aluminum foil on the couch while the cat is alone, they don’t like standing in their own pee or hearing the noises of the foil. There are also some sprays etc.
with pheromones that are usually produced by the mother that will calm them and might stop them from peeing.
For wanting the cat gone immediately YTJ for sure in my opinion and I can totally understand her for wanting to move out with the cat.
Many people get really attached to animals. It’s like saying a kid has to be thrown out because it peed in the bed you know?” StrawberryJam1904
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Cat pee is disgusting, and it smells like it came straight from satan’s butt.
I’m assuming you put a lot of $$ into renovating the basement, and anyone who’s ever bought a couch and rug knows those stuff aren’t cheap! It sounds like y’all have tried many things to offset the problem (stop letting the cat in the basement tho lol).
Your partner shouldn’t have to get rid of the cat if she doesn’t want to and that’s understandable. If the problem persists and she doesn’t do more to figure out what’s going on (her cat, after all, she needs to step up and figure out what is wrong with her cat that’s her responsibility), then let her move out.
It might end with a breakup and that would suck, but the more the cat pees, the harder it’ll be to get the smell to go away, and that’s not good for your daughter at the end of the day.” haleyisdead
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