People Request Our Opinion On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Refusing To Share Makeup With the Other Bridesmaids?
Germs are a no-go!
“So my (24F) brother Dale (26M) is getting married on the 20th of this month to his high school sweetheart Carol (25F). Carol and I have been very close since the beginning of their relationship, even before they were engaged myself and my entire family has loved, accepted, and embraced her as a part of our family.
I am very excited for her to marry my brother and look forward to having a sister-in-law, she’s one of my closest friends and she jives with the family so well.
I am a bridesmaid in the wedding along with four others, her sister (21?F), her cousin (21?F), her sister-in-law (30?F), and one of my friends(25?F) from college that I haven’t been close to since 2019.
I’m not a fan of her sister, I personally feel she’s a little grubby and she used to steal from Dale and Carol. And I hardly know her cousin or sister-in-law… which honestly regardless of how well I know these people aren’t really the source of my discomfort.
Today she sent out a mass text (sent individually because not everyone has an iPhone) to all the bridesmaids about hair, nails, make-up, and the works. We are planning to make a team effort to put together our hair and makeup and for the most part, she specified to bring our own make-up, but she didn’t mention anything about eyeshadow or lipstick.
So I texted her back asking for pigment references so I can be sure to get the right shades, to which she replied that her cousin has eyeshadow and lipstick that everyone can share. I let her know that I wasn’t comfortable sharing eye and lip products with everyone and that I didn’t mind getting my own but that I just needed to know what color pigments to match.
She went on to tell me that her cousin has disposable applicators and that it’s new products, but I let her know I was still more comfortable supplying my own. We had a small back and forth of me trying to express that the sharing of eye and lip products makes me uncomfortable and her passive-aggressively telling me it’s not that big of a deal.
I feel like I could be the jerk because it’s her wedding and she gets to call the shots. I know she’s already stressed to the max to begin with and maybe I should just suck it up and share the darn makeup, but at the same time it’s my hygiene and I can’t shake this icky feeling of having to share these products with other people.
AITJ for not wanting to share eye and lip products with other people? An outside perspective would be really appreciated.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
And I don’t know if they’re just really dim or SUPER ignorant, but given current public health situations, expecting not just one or two people but an ENTIRE BRIDAL PARTY to share makeup that is going to touch their eyes and lips (two of the most vulnerable places because they’re adjacent to mucous membranes) is UNBELIEVABLY stupid and risky.
It would be unhygienic and not-smart at the best of times, but not only is there still a worldwide illness raging that not only spreads through direct contact and bodily fluids (including saliva, or someone who has incidentally touched a rash, etc.) but can cause incredibly painful open sores, rashes, etc.
With MULTIPLE HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS diseases in the public sphere, you’d have to be an absolute nitwit to share makeup with anyone right now, much less eye makeup or lipstick. Feel free to point this out to her, and tell her gently but firmly that you ARE NOT DEBATING THIS, that for the sake of your health you WILL NOT share makeup, not with disposable applicators, not at all, and she can either give you the information you need re: pigments, or you will just do a nice neutral, dressy look and she’ll have to be happy with that.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sharing makeup is extremely unhygienic. Especially if it’s being used on eyes and lips!
Pink eye, Monkeypox, the big C — the list goes on. There are so many diseases you could catch from sharing makeup.
Why is she being so insistent on this? The only thing I can think of is that someone involved here is going to try to push some of their multi-level marketing products on everyone.
Tell her no; you will not share makeup.
This is non-negotiable and if she has to find someone else to take your place, you’ll understand. Your health comes above her feelings. If she’s being this weirdly controlling about something that should be a non-issue this early in the game, she’s probably going to be a total bridezilla as time goes on.
Perhaps you’re better off bowing out and just attending as a guest.” StillSwaying
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The bride is being ridiculous. You have offered a very reasonable solution to her desire for everyone to match. Not to mention planning to have everyone use the exact same shade of makeup is dumb since colors and tones look different on different people.
If she refuses to give you the information, I would reach out directly to the cousin and ask them for the brands so that you can buy the same. If the cousin refuses to give it you, let them know you will be handling your own makeup.
I have been a bridesmaid 5 times and am currently planning my own wedding, not once was I asked to put my physical health in danger. In fact, in many of the weddings, the makeup artist requested that we bring our own lipstick/mascara for hygienic reasons.” Reddit user
15. AITJ For Telling My Cousin That At Least I Have A Father Who Loves Me?
“I (16f) was a surprise. My dad (60m) absolutely never had the desire to be a father and even had a secret vasectomy when he was 21 after a pregnancy scare with his then-partner. He kept it a secret when he got it because he knew his family would never let him hear the end of it, and he was later proven right when a woman he stopped seeing told his family as revenge.
They considered my dad as someone who didn’t value family and started inviting him to gatherings less and less and wouldn’t let him near his nieces and nephews “he hated children so much.”
For almost twenty years my dad was LC with his family and only started re-establishing contact when I was born.
My dad was completely surprised when my mom (50f) discovered she was pregnant and thought that I wasn’t his since they were just seeing each other and not actually serious. There was a DNA test and I was definitely his.
Growing up my parents always told me that while I wasn’t planned I was always loved and I have no doubt in my mind that my father loves me.
Now that my dad is getting older the possible reality of him not being able to be around for my adult life is setting in and making the occasional morbid joke is how he copes.
One day, a joke about doing a séance to summon his ghost to walk me down the aisle was made while with our extended family. While we all laughed, my cousin, “Vicky” (20f) decided that it would be her thing and would constantly make jabs at how old my dad was and all the things he wouldn’t be there for either physically or mentally, because of his family’s history of memory loss.
Now my dad and I can take the random joke here and there, but Vicky always makes a mention of it in every interaction. She’s even doing it in a way that makes it seem like it’s DEFINITELY going to happen instead of it just being a possibility which I know is starting to get to my dad.
She makes and posts memes in the family group chat, shares articles about the increase of diseases and physical problems men get as they age, and how when/if I have kids I’ll be forced to change his diapers too.
It was really making me mad. I confronted Vicky about this once but I was brushed off saying that it was just a joke and she reminded me how I laughed at the seance joke that started it all.
One day Vicky made a joke about how much of a burden my dad will be in my 20s and I snapped. I told my cousin that while my dad may not be around for my adult milestones at least I’ll know that he died loving me unlike her whose dad is alive and well and wants nothing to do with her.
Vicky immediately cried and told everyone in the family what I said. They feel what I said was intentionally hurtful while Vicky was making a joke. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but hear me out. When we notice that we are being bothered by something, that’s the moment we need to try to sort it out because if we do not, the thing becomes a rolling snowball.
You feel, what you did was justified, and a lot of people will agree with it. I think you could have been smarter. Always manipulate the situation to your favor. That is what she does, learn to do it smartly too, especially if you are in the right (which you are).
Waiting for things to boil just because you don’t have enough balls or smarts is not what you want.
Apologize to Vicky and your family in the group, but say that jokes about your dad have to be stopped NOW because they make you uncomfortable.
If they are bitter about it be even ready to get more bitter and stand your ground. But remember you attacked her with the aim of hurting her deeply, which you achieved. Now, did that give you anything good to solve the situation about the jokes? I don’t know.
Was it necessary? Probably. Should you have exploded? Definitely not.
Become someone who can be above others.” lovelyPossum
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, soft YTJ. Saying something hurtful to someone as punishment for them not doing something you want (telling crappy “jokes”) is not an effective or healthy way to get what you want and usually only ramps up the discord/drama.
I get that she has been disrespectful and refused to stop but there are other ways you could have handled it without being immature and petty.” molotovmerkin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She tried to make you feel bad about eventually not having your father in your life and you reminded her that she NEVER had a father in her life.
Hopefully that will shut her up forevermore regarding something that is none of her business. Her “jokes” were bullying that came from her jealousy. She is an adult and there’s no excuse for her behavior.
I hope that you have your dad for many years to come.” PsychologyAutomatic3
Another User Comments:
“I’m in my twenties and my parents are in their 70s. I know there’s a possibility my parents won’t be around for as long as other people’s parents usually are and I’ll have to go through most of my life without them.
I’m in a very similar situation. I sometimes use dark humor to cope but delicately and never in front of my parents, as I know it would upset them.
I would have done the same as you if someone started bullying me about this.
Having older parents can be really stressful and people who aren’t in the same situation aren’t allowed to joke about it.
It’s called gallows humor because the person on the gallows is making the joke, not the people in the audience.
That’s just cruelty. You joking or your dad joking about it is completely different from her joking about it.
Also, maybe Vicky is lashing out because she sees the great relationship you have with your dad and found an opportunity to act on her jealousy in a way she can brush off as just joking. She needs to learn the difference between teasing and harassment like we all do in elementary school.” Deadr0b0t
Tell her and anyone who sides with her that there will be no apology forthcoming to anyone, and to deal with it.
14. AITJ For Blowing Up At My Husband For Eating An Unhealthy Dinner?
“Making sure my (29F) husband (29M) and child (5M) eat good meals is VERY important to me. During a discussion the other night, my husband told me we needed to cut back on eating out, which I agreed to.
Also, I’m that person who hates it when plans change, but I’ll still do my best to go along with it if necessary. This evening ended pretty poorly.
I called my husband and asked him what he wanted for dinner.
He requested a dish that I’d prepared a few days ago, which I happily agreed to, and went to the store to get the ingredients (he’s the better cook between the two of us, so it makes me ecstatic when he likes something I prepare).
He came home early, right at the moment when I was going to start cooking. But then he changed his mind and wanted something else we had (a frozen packaged meal). I understood and went to get it ready, but I didn’t prepare it properly and had to trash it.
He was understandably frustrated, and after I apologized, I told him I could still cook for him.
Then he says no to that and that he would order a pizza instead.
I stared at him for a minute and reminded him that HE told ME quite literally the night before that we needed to stop ordering food for financial reasons.
He countered that he hadn’t eaten all day and was really hungry. I told him that he’d be waiting either way, so why not have a free home-cooked one ready in less time than it took for a delivery? He not only repeated “no,” but he then decided to tell me HE DIDN’T WANT THE MEAL HE ASKED FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I could feel myself getting mad FAST, so I told him I couldn’t continue the conversation and to just do what he wants. I go to our bedroom to be alone; I don’t want to blow up and also don’t want him to be hungry, so I had to distance myself to calm down.
He gave me space as he ordered his 3 pies and a dozen wings and ate them while he watched TV. Later, he asked “what was bothering me.”
I reminded him of how he kept changing his mind on me as well as how little sense it made that he would suggest spending less on delivery but order food anyway while he still had leftover takeout a week-old in the fridge.
And the fact that he actually didn’t want the meal that he originally asked for.
Then he claims that I was “making it about me” by acting this way.
I’d had enough at this point, so here I am venting while he eats food that I do sincerely hope he actually finishes(it’s a pizza brand neither I nor our son enjoy, and my husband knows this).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH I hear ya, OP. People are frustrating. It sounds like he was feeling lazy and maybe wanted some comfort food, and figured, in for a penny, in for a pound.
But please breathe.
It’s not about the Iranian yogurt, I get it. You two disagree, and he’s not his best right now. Reverse genders on this one. If wifey decided to order something she enjoyed instead of cooking, despite being the better cook and Hubby has bought groceries, should she be screamed at?” By_and_by_and_by
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk, but…and I say this with compassion…maybe this isn’t the best match.
The reason I say he’s NTJ is because people’s tastes do sometimes change randomly. I’m right there with you on being annoyed by it, but I’ve also been told by previous partners that it’s an irritating quality of mine.
And the reason you’re NTJ is because, girl…it wasn’t like you just whipped up a dinner out of nowhere and then he didn’t want it. You actively had to go out and prepare the meal he wanted.
At that point, even if his tastes did change, it feels like it would’ve been respectful to just eat your cooking. Another thing I agree with you on is that I get ecstatic when someone likes a dish I make.
Maybe he wasn’t aware of that and didn’t fully realize what this meant for you. So I can’t fault him for that. But I also think maybe you should be with someone who appreciates that without being told.
Also, the 3 pizzas kind of make me think he cared less about what he was eating and just wanted to binge. If that’s not a lifestyle you’re here for, then you should really take notes because this won’t be a one-off occasion.” TurningJapanese_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your husband sure is.
My husband never told me what to cook. We have been married for almost fifty years and I cook what I please. Some days he will suggest cooking something and some days we agree to fix our own dinners.
If he mentions a hankering for a food that I haven’t made for a while, I may try to prepare it at some point during the week but he never makes me feel that I am under some obligation.
As to your cooking skills, they will improve with time and practice. My husband, adult children, and I often laugh at some of my earlier failed attempts-like the time I tried a new dish and told the kids that they were going to eat it whether or not they liked it.
I sat down, took one bite, and gave everyone permission to throw their dinner in the trash. My cooking is better now, but there are still times that I mess up. We just laugh about it.
Your husband is a jerk. If my husband had acted this way, I wouldn’t be saying that I have been married for almost fifty years. I would be either talking about my years alone or counting the years that I spent with a different husband.” Flowers1966
Another User Comments:
“…He ordered three pizzas and a dozen wings from a place that you and your son do not like?! OP, NTJ.
Your husband easily just spent $50-$70 on takeout right after telling you (not discussing with you, telling) that the family needed to cut back on ordering out. And not only that, he spent that insane amount of funds at a place only he would eat at… I really cannot believe the audacity sometimes.” mlachrymarum
13. AITJ For Not Replacing My Roommate's Food After I Spoiled It?
“I, M20 live with six roommates. This story concerns my roommate Kate, f26.
For context, we all have our own bedrooms, and we share 3 bathrooms between us. We also share a kitchen/dining room area.
The fridge that our landlord supplies is way too small to realistically hold food for seven people, it’s not even the size of a regular fridge, something between a mini fridge and regular fridge.
But, nevertheless, “fun-sized fridge for seven people” wasn’t in the apartment description when it said it was furnished.
I decided to buy a small, not quite mini fridge secondhand off of one of my parents’ friends, as they were going to get rid of it anyway and I gave them $30 for it.
I now keep it in my room for my own food.
Kate was complaining to me about there never being enough space in the fridge for her food. Because myself and Kate were friends, I decided to let her borrow my fridge and keep some of her food in there.
Here’s where I could be the jerk.
Kate started having her partner Ben [m27] basically live with her in her room. Ben doesn’t contribute to rent or bills. It is also against our contract to have guests stay overnight for longer than 2 days.
I don’t have an issue with Ben staying here but Kate has started using my fridge to keep Ben’s food in there as well, which is now taking up the majority of the space in the fridge and leaving very little room for my own stuff.
I explained this to Kate two weeks ago and politely said that I don’t want her and Ben using my fridge anymore because there’s hardly any space for my own food. Kate seemed irritated but said they’ll stop using it tomorrow.
A week later, Kate and Ben’s stuff was still in my fridge. I got annoyed because there was no room for the groceries I had just bought, so I moved their stuff out of my fridge and put my own stuff in there.
Before moving their stuff I did try to call both Kate and Ben, but neither of them answered their phones even though they were at home.
I put their stuff in the kitchen (there was no room in the communal fridge as usual) and sent Kate and Ben a message that I’ve taken their stuff out of my fridge.
Their stuff was all perishables such as yogurt, cheese, chicken and milk.
By the time they saw my message, their stuff had all spoiled. Ben called me a jerk and said that I should pay to replace their stuff, but I gave them a week to move their stuff out of the fridge, and they hadn’t done this.
I talked to my friends who think that I’m a jerk because I should have waited until I could have talked to them first, so I’m wondering if I was in the wrong here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Kate has already overstepped by ignoring the contract and moving Ben into her room.
You gave them a deadline they ignored. You sent them reminders they didn’t read. You tried calling AND knocking on their door to tell them you were removing their food from your fridge after the week had passed and still got no response.
What did they expect? That you should leave your stuff out to rot instead of putting it in your fridge. No, do not pay for their stuff, you did nothing wrong.” solitarybydesign
Another User Comments:
“What were they doing that they missed multiple messages for HOURS and HOURS while still being home? Milk, cheese, yogurt, and pretty much all dairy can sit for half a day and more at ‘normal’ room temperatures and not spoil.
So they were home but ‘off the grid’ for 6+ hours??
After a week of notices, they still chose to ignore your attempts to reach out and apparently didn’t even bother to walk through the kitchen or open their phones for over half a day.
Unless you unloaded their stuff at, like… 2 AM, I feel like you did your due diligence considering they were ‘borrowing’ your fridge space.
NTJ.” Senna79
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, obviously – you did everything you reasonably could – but having been in that similar situation, I’d suggest pushing back on having Ben staying there at all.
You agreed to a tenancy where seven people would share a kitchen, not eight. And your landlord should really reach into their pocket and spend 1/3rd of one person’s monthly rent to buy a second fridge/freezer.
And there’s nothing stopping Kate from also buying a mini-fridge.” thtthtthhthtthtthhhh
12. AITJ For Wanting My Way With The Wedding Planning?
It is your wedding after all!
“My fiance (42m) and I (28f) started seeing each other in 2018. After a year of being together, I wanted to move in together. He was living with his 77-year-old mother to help her make rent and save for a house.
I told him that I would rather rent together before he bought because of the power dynamic in our relationship.
He did not want to do that. So we continued to still see each other, and he bought a house two years ago with his mother as a co-signer.
My lease on my apartment was ending last year, and he asked for me to move into his house.
Things have been fine! He proposed last year around Christmas time. We planned to have a small wedding because of expenses and because my fiancee didn’t think any of his family would come.
Most of his family live out of state, and they are too old to travel. When speaking to his mother (who lives with us and owns half of his house) about the guest list, I asked her who she wanted to come.
She wouldn’t give me a clear number or a guest list of potential people.
So moving on to the planning… My dream was always to get married near a lot of greenery or a bayan tree…
His mother kept suggesting the beach, and I said no! Both of us don’t like the beach. So after looking at a million venues, I started to get overwhelmed with the whole planning because everything was out of our price range.
I felt very strongly for us both to go 50/50 in our wedding and not ask anyone for help (my family can be toxic when it comes to finances).
One night, my fiance mentioned that his mother offered to pay for us to have our wedding at the hotel she previously worked at.
I asked why wouldn’t she just offer us the funds instead. He looked at me rudely and told me not to be so ungrateful. So I figured maybe she was getting a discount. When she showed me the contract before signing…
I found out there was no discount and the only option of having my wedding there was at the spa terrace (no plants or green) or on the beach.
When his mother saw I was upset, she started getting angry with me, saying I was indecisive and I don’t need to see all the cons in the place.
So to make everyone happy, I said okay, let’s book it.
Now fast forward to now… a month before the wedding! Our guest list went from 20 to 54 guests. I found out that she wanted to have it at this hotel, so she could have the room blocks for her family (no one from my family is staying there).
And she gets points on her rewards card for every room that is booked under our group code.
I told my fiance that I was upset about all the boundaries his mother was crossing and that I no longer wanted to live there.
I recently got a promotion and now can afford the venue I originally wanted. I told my fiance that I was moving the location of the wedding and that I will pay his mother back the deposit for the wedding.
I also told him that I did not want to start having children until we move out of the house. He told me to call off the wedding completely. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… run! The fact that he said to cancel the wedding because you wanted to change venues speaks volumes.
If mommy dearest wants a flavor of cake and you don’t, expect to hear this. If you have kids, good lord, you have huge issues coming your way. Nothing that you do will be right.
Get out now and save yourself years of unhappiness and manipulation.” at-witsend
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His mother is a boundary stomper, and your fiance doesn’t seem to care. Honestly, if I were you I would reconsider the relationship and maybe take the fiance up on his suggestion to call off the wedding.
You yourself have expressed concerns about the power dynamic in the relationship, so you are aware that this is not healthy. Trust your gut on this, OP!” nerdypipsqueak
Another User Comments:
“Girl, your ex-fiance is doing you a favor!! Thank him and run the heck away in the opposite direction.
This man is already married to his mother. He bought a house with her, he let her take control of the wedding, he defends her on everything; why are you being the third wheel in their relationship? He will never move out with you and leave his mommy behind. You will be nothing more than a maid and baby-making machine for this couple. Stop being a jerk to yourself!” Important_Cost_7165
11. AITJ For Moving Out Without Informing My Pregnant Sister-In-Law?
“I (27 f) have lived in a 2-family apartment for 3 years. Myself and my partner (27 m) live on the first floor. My SIL (29 f) and her hubby (31 m) live on the second floor.
Since we all know each other (I’ve been with my partner for 6+ years and have known SIL that long) things were pretty chill for the first year. We would take in each other’s trash, bring in packages, take turns shoveling snow, etc.
However, two years ago my partner and his sister had a falling out where a small argument about her playing music loudly while he was remotely working turned into a huge fight. SIL ended up using the talk to bring up years of pent-up jealousy and anger she had toward her brother and she said a lot of really terrible things.
For an entire year even though we lived below her we did not speak to them, nor did they speak to us. We did not even attend their wedding during the year we were no contact.
Last spring we all made up and are cordial with each other, still doing the previously mentioned nice things such as taking in each other‘s trash, etc. But, we are not as close as before and don’t really share a lot of personal information with one another anymore, we act more like neighbors than family at this point.
SIL is currently 7 months pregnant and myself and partner are happy for her. Recently I took a job in a city an hour away from where we live. To save myself the commute, I got myself a small apartment in this new city, and my partner is supportive of this decision and he’s happy that I have a job I finally like.
I still stay weekends with him at the old apartment but I’m mainly at the new one.
A week ago now while at a family bbq SIL heard me talking about my new place. She came unglued and screamed at me that it was super rude that I didn’t tell her I was moving out.
I was confused because this didn’t affect her in any way, my partner still lives below them I just don’t live with him regularly. She told me it was messed up because now she didn’t know what to do if she needed someone to watch the baby when she returns to work (she owns her own business and her hubby is a plumber and they both plan on returning to work 3 months after the baby is born).
I again was confused as my man will still be downstairs living below her but also me and my partner never agreed to watching the baby or discussed that with her!
SIL ended up bursting into tears and walking out.
When she left other family members turned to me and told me that it was really messed up that I hadn’t told her that I moved out. I’m not close with SIL anymore and haven’t been since that fight nor did I ever agree or discuss watching the baby.
I’m really genuinely confused. Since she’s so far along in her pregnancy from her POV not having another pair of hands to help out could be upsetting even if she didn’t discuss it with us or me for that matter, but I’m unsure, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s presumptuous of her to assume that you were going to watch her baby for her when she returned to work.
You’re not her partner, mother, or even family. Yes, your partner is her brother but he’s not even obligated to watch the kiddo.
It’s possible that pregnancy hormones got the better of her when she heard you moved out and she’s probably trying to understand why she got so upset.
Try having you and your man sit down with her and go over expectations. You are not living with her just near her, you are your own person and can move anywhere you’d like without anyone’s permission, you are not obligated to watch anyone’s kid except your own if you choose to have one.
If she calms down and understands you’re not babysitting without agreeing first then it was just a weird pregnancy thing (I cried when my boss told me my role at the office was changing). If she’s still mad then she was expecting free and/or on-call babysitting from you so she’s the jerk for that.” Sweetsmyle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- what your SIL doesn’t understand is that there’s nothing to discuss.
She doesn’t even get to demand a discussion because she has no right to your life or what you do with it. I agree with everyone else, she was banking on you to be there and help with her new baby.
And now her help has just dissipated in front of her. She knows how much work she’s in for. Better start thinking now about how you will handle her requests for help. Think about what kind of boundaries do you want.
Or you might just want to get your partner to move on out too and avoid the whole situation.
As far as not telling her- You probably would have years ago, before the fallout because you were closer then.
But it’s different now. It might have been nice if you had mentioned at some point that you were leaving but I can certainly understand why you didn’t tell her too. It’s certainly not required as long as it doesn’t affect them.
And in this case, it doesn’t. NTJ.” ksarahsarah27
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it is not on you and your BF that she assumed with living downstairs, you’re both free daycare. It’s very presumptuous of her to expect you to take on this responsibility without first asking or discussing anything.
If her family has such strong opinions, that really doesn’t concern them. They are more than welcome to volunteer to be babysitters. I have a feeling she’s been cordial simply because she planned to just dump her baby on you anytime she needs to go leave and you would have no choice but to watch the child.
Honestly, your partner and yourself should really think about moving, preferably to your new apartment. It would save you a lot of headaches and personal issues. Her attitude and entitlement alone make her sound exhausting to live near. Good luck to y’all!” Chantalle22
10. AITJ For Telling My Sister She Overreacted For Yelling When I Entered Her And Her Husband's Room?
“So, I (f23) am a full-time college student. Right now, I’m living with my sister “Claire” and her husband “Thomas” while I get through my current semester.
I don’t work so I don’t have everything I need for my daily skin/hair routine, so I borrow stuff from Claire.
Claire didn’t have an issue in the beginning but then started complaining about me randomly walking into her room but I go in there looking for the stuff I asked for. She gave me a hard time just because I walked in on Thomas half-unclothed to get the eye shadow I borrowed from her.
and then that other time when I walked in late at night. She told me I needed to get her permission to enter the room before I take anything but I figured this would make things complicated.
It’s enough that I have to ask to borrow an item.
So, last night at around 10 pm, I went upstairs and into her bedroom to grab the hair dryer. I walked it and whoops, I saw them in an intimate position together in bed.
I had NO IDEA they were doing it, especially since Claire told me that Thomas has been feeling sick the past 2 days. She lashed out at me yelling that I get out. I quickly grabbed the hair dryer then walked out and shut the door.
minutes later, She came downstairs in her robe and went off on me saying she was done with me repeatedly disrespecting and violating her and her husband’s privacy. I told her it was cool, no big deal.
and that I needed the dryer but didn’t have time to ask for permission. She got even louder saying I had no business barging into her marital space and embarrassing her and her husband like this.
I told her that I was sorry but she really overreacted to this whole thing. This made her livid she went on about how I’m living here rent-free and yet not being respectable enough. I stopped arguing and went to my room.
This morning, Thomas left the house early and Claire ignored me during breakfast. Still upset saying I don’t get to say whether she overreacted or not and that my behavior was inappropriate. She even wants me to apologize to her husband for making last night “awkward.””
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ.
This is not your house. You are living, rent-free, with two married adults. You don’t borrow crap without asking, and you do not violate their ONE private space in the whole darn house. You lack a significant amount of boundaries.
You and your sister are not teenagers living under your parents’ roof and jacking each others’ belongings anymore. Learn to be respectful of space that you have absolutely no claim to or you’ll probably find yourself homeless.” LetThemEatHay
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and just being plain rude.
Obviously, you should knock before entering someone’s room. It’s their private space. Many people consider their bedroom their sanctuary and you are violating it. Repeatedly. Your sister has asked you multiple times to ask before going into her room and you haven’t.
Of course, she had a big reaction when you barged in AGAIN on her and her husband.
You should also consider that not only are you invading your sister’s privacy, you are invading her husband’s.
Apologize and be a better roommate and sister.
She’s doing you a solid while you are in college and you are stomping all over it.” jokerkitten
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. But wait, this is a joke, right? You’re 23 years old and in college, and nobody ever taught you to knock before you enter through a closed door? And, btw, if you have finances for college, you have finances to pay for your own personal items.
There is no way in heck your sister and her husband should be supporting your entitled butt, especially when you have absolutely no respect for them, no consideration for them, no gratefulness for their generosity towards you, and their tolerance of your 5-year-old behavior.
You belong in kindergarten, not college. Kindergarten is where people learn the basics of living in a civilized environment. You are not even basically civilized. Were you raised in the woods by jackals?
Your sister needs to kick you out today. Go find your own place to live. Go back to Kindergarten and learn how to treat people decently.” MrsMurphysCow
9. AITJ For Not Buying A Gift From The Couple's Wedding Reigstry?
“Me (female 20), my two sisters, and my parents were invited to my cousin’s wedding in July. It came rather unexpected since we’ve all kept contact to a minimum due to the way she and her family has chosen to live their lives.
My sisters and I quickly decided to buy them a gift together. We’re on living on a tight budget since we’re studying, and wouldn’t be able to get the couple a proper gift on our own.
Only when we sat down to look at their wish list, it turned out they only wanted one thing. Finances so that they could travel to the US. Which wasn’t too surprising. Both she and her husband are going to a bible school over there.
Now, the easy approach was to just follow their wishes. Only, it really isn’t that simple.
The majority of our family is extremely uncomfortable with their way of interacting with God. And none of us felt like supporting their lifestyle by giving them a free trip to the US.
I have a lot of respect for people who truly believe, and my best friend is extremely religious himself. So, it’s not that we think there’s an issue there.
No, what truly is an issue, is that religion for them isn’t about God at all.
They are very high in the hierarchy of a full-on cult.
They’re begging for monetary gifts on social media, despite being extremely well off. Run a religious school, that holds severe penalties if the kids step out of line.
They talk about Jesus to everyone and will do anything in their power to make you believe too. And decided that when someone passed out (no adult beverages involved), they didn’t call an ambulance. No, they stood in a circle around her and did a healing prayer.
It’s over the top and seems extremely unhealthy.
We are not interested in confronting them about it, and while we don’t want to support it, we don’t want to be disrespectful either. So we bought them a wonderful tablecloth, which is an old traditional wedding gift, as well as some kitchen supplies.
Any couple can use that, right? Marriage means they want to be together, so that means living together too, right?
Well, apparently it was a mistake. We’ve been receiving messages from their religious group for weeks, telling us that we’re in the wrong.
That we are being disrespectful for not giving them finances, and that we now need to “pay back what we owe them.”
Are we the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“You don’t have to pay them back, but I am going a soft YTJ here.
You spent finances on the gift, so you might as well have given it straight to them and kept everyone happy. You may not agree with their beliefs, and that’s fine, but they made a pretty simple request that wasn’t unreasonable.
It wouldn’t have made any difference to you in the end.” not_a_bad_egg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Most people agree that asking for a monetary gift for a wedding is in poor taste. That, combined with their controversial plan to use the finances makes their request even more bizarre and unacceptable.
Is the family telling you that you’re in the wrong or is it just the religious group? I wouldn’t consider what a cult has to say significant in any way, especially as it sounds like they’re being vaguely threatening by telling you to “pay back what you owe them.” Which is absurd.” duckterrarium
Another User Comments:
“Write back and suggest they return the “gift” you gave the heart and instead send an invoice for the bill you apparently owe for attending their wedding.
Suggest that your error was not in realizing their wedding customs differed from yours.
Ask them to also furnish you with an accounting of what you received in return for the monetary gift you are being charged along with a copy of the contract all parties signed agreeing to the specific payment for service rendered or goods provided.
Explain that you don’t remember signing such a contract and can’t find any specific contract amongst your business expenses. You will so appreciate them making a copy and sending it to you; otherwise, you can’t guarantee that the amount they are billing you can be paid.
Being delicate with people like this doesn’t work any more than trying to stop a conversation with a feather.” 2ndcupofcoffee
8. AITJ For Selling The Birthday Gift My Partner Got Me To Pay Rent?
She has priorities.
“My partner (32M) works a lucrative Finance job and comes from a well-off family. I (26F) don’t have much financial support from my parents and am paying my way through grad school. Bf has always been very generous, buying me expensive gifts and taking me to nice places.
I always express my appreciation and try to reciprocate however I can. When I expressed discomfort with the amount he was spending on me, he said he was good for it and didn’t want me to feel different or left out around his friends and family.
Recently I’ve been struggling to pay my rent after losing my teaching job. My birthday was coming up, and he asked me what I wanted as a gift. I said he didn’t have to get me anything.
When he insisted, I told him about my financial situation, and that I would much rather receive a monetary present than any material gift. He agreed to pay my rent as a birthday present.
My birthday came along, and he took me out to dinner and bought me a ridiculously expensive designer item as a gift.
I thanked him and told him how much I loved it, but tried to bring up our previous agreement. He said he’d paid a lot for it and wouldn’t be able to also cover my rent, and that I should ask my parents instead.
I said not to worry, I would try and sort something out.
My parents were not in a position to pay anything towards my rent, as they were saving up for my dad’s surgery. They also live across the country, so I couldn’t move in with them while going to school.
My man owns his house but thinks it’s too soon for me to move in with him. I brought up the idea of selling the birthday present to cover my rent. He got really angry and said that if I didn’t like the gift I should’ve just said and he could get his change back.
He said it was rude to return a gift, and that if I did sell it, that would be his finances and not mine.
While I felt really bad about it, I couldn’t think of any other options, and my rent was already late.
I ended up selling it to pay my rent. He found out and is even madder, calling me a gold digger and asking for the change back. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would dump that guy.
I totally understand being upset that you sold the gift, but the bigger issue is that he doesn’t understand you don’t have financial stability. You can’t rely on other people to pay your rent but also somebody who loves you should absolutely not agree to pay your rent and then go back on it.
A partner should be somebody you can trust to follow through on important issues and this guy seems too rich to understand the reality of living without means.” Daddy_Anderson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You told him what you wanted and he agreed.
Then he completely ignored it and got you something you didn’t want or need. It’s a little ridiculous of him to ask for the change back. He BOUGHT you a gift. He gifted it to you.
It was yours. I mean sure it can be seen as rude but you need help right now. You told him that. He ignored it. I don’t think you’re a gold digger. Especially since he asked you what you wanted for your birthday.
Also, I think he is a bit of a jerk his comments of trying to get you to keep up with his friends and family. Pretty much buying you an expensive bag to fit in.
Also, you’re paying for grad school and your apartment. That’s rough..” throwawayyy9867_
Another User Comments:
“ESH – on one hand, he is the jerk for demanding the change from your gift back and being angry about it (hint to him: once you give a gift, it is no longer yours and also is no longer yours to decide what happens to it), but on the other hand, you should be able to pay your own rent and not have to rely on your wealthier partner to gift you the finances.
If you can’t afford your rent then consider getting a sufficiently paid part-time job, a cheaper flat, or cutting back on the less vital expenses (even if it means inconvenient things like no drinks with friends).
The fact that you had to ask him for birthday finances to cover it and also had to resort to selling his fancy luxury birthday gift to you (which understandably really hurt him) shows that you are not being responsible enough with your finances – and it is hurting your relationship.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“He called you a gold digger? That is not a guy that truly respects you.
He wants a show pony on his arm, dressed to impress his family and those in his affluent circle. Whilst I don’t think you should have sold his gift, I think you should have handed it back to him as soon as he gave it to you.
Most of these posts here say dump him, etc. (I don’t disagree with them), but the important thing is what do you really want to happen now? You are a gentle jerk for selling his gift, but I understand the desperation behind what you did. He is a huge jerk for not really listening to you in the first place and for calling you a gold digger.” cavoodle11
7. AITJ For Refusing To Involve My In-Laws In Planning Our Wedding?
“My wife (30F) and I (29F) got married last month, and her family was a nightmare from the moment we told them about it. We’ve been together for 10 years, and we’re pretty low-key people, so we opted for a small, non-traditional wedding in our city.
We found a small venue that had a cool aesthetic (no need to decorate!) that we could afford, and their next availability for us was ~3 months away. We booked it and called our parents to let them know.
Every time she updated her mom on any part of our planning, all her mom would do is complain. Initially, she told us that she would handle party favors for us. NBD, I thought, until she said that she was planning to go to the Dollar Tree and make Irish-themed gift baggies with shamrocks and Irish flags on them (we both have distant Irish heritage, but we’re American).
I immediately shut that down. She sent her mom the dress she had in mind, and her mom ONLY said, “Oh wow, that’s so expensive.” It was less than $1,000. My then-fiancee kept having to literally beg her mom to stop complaining.
She never did. Everything was a problem.
But the worst (for me) was that her mom called a week before the wedding, declaring that she was going to bring a cake if we weren’t providing one.
We weren’t having a cake because my wife and I have finished off most of our dates over the last ten years by picking up a couple of macarons and splitting them. It’s cute and special to us, so we decided years ago that we’d have macarons instead of cake when we got married.
There were also going to be desserts from catering, so nobody would be without a sweet, even if they weren’t into macarons. But her mom was upset and told us she’d be bringing a sheet cake from the grocery store to put out with the rest of our desserts.
She didn’t even ask me what flavor I like. Both she and my wife are gluten-free, so it wasn’t even for them. I told my then-fiancee that we were not putting out a grocery store sheet cake at our wedding, so I’d try to find an actual wedding cake that looked good on a week’s notice.
I searched until I realized what I was allowing my MIL to do, so I called my wife up and put my foot down. She didn’t really get the big deal but told her mom not to bring one anyway.
But I know her mom, so I also told my then-fiancee that I would leave if I saw a sheet cake at our wedding, and it’d be up to her to handle it.
Long(er) story short: Her mom brought the cake.
It was an ugly, white sheet cake that was cracked right down the middle between our names (written in bright purple — I guess she forgot what colors we chose for the wedding). I told my wife, and it disappeared, I spent the rest of my wedding trying to stop being so angry, and that was that.
Now her immediate family is railing against us. Are we really the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
”I mean.
She’s a tacky lady with a dollar store budget. She’s pushy and difficult. She has no boundaries. Like, yes.
But you handled that poorly from a partnership perspective. You knew your wife had begged her to stop complaining, and she didn’t. So your wife was probably stressed.
And you chose to make it a battle – I will leave (my own wedding, and not marry you /throw a scene in front of all our friends) is a big move.
Are you proud of that? Are you glad you let your MiL get under your skin and that you chose to make your wife, who had already begged her mother to behave better, have a confrontation with her mother on her wedding day? How did it make you feel about spending so much energy on fighting the sheet cake? What would it cost you to have been amused instead?
Your mother-in-law brought a gift.
Something she thought you needed. Yes, it wasn’t your taste. But that was a pretty big rejection of her, and for what.
Anger is a choice. You choose how you respond to others. I think that’s why you made your post.
There’s no verdict in a vacuum here. There’s just, did you hurt your wife or your mother-in-law, will you choose to move forward in a relationship in the same way or do you want to choose a new posture in the future? Is it good for your marriage or sustainable to ask your wife to fight her mom? Who is getting supported, and who needs support when it comes to dealing with her?
ESH.” imtchogirl
Another User Comments:
”Partially the jerk.
Was that the hill you really wanted to die on? Your MIL looks like she really wanted to help, and you kept turning her down, and it doesn’t sound like you gave her any other ways/options she could help.
So on the day of, instead of just graciously saying thank you for the cake, you became controlling and made your wife ‘deal’ with it. Instead of just rolling with it and trying to make the best of the day, you let your anger control you and possibly made your wife feel bad about her mom.
So in essence, ruining a part of HER special day. You do know it was special for her too right?
Great way to start a relationship with your MIL who hopefully will be that way for years.
Just seemed not that big a deal and pretty outrageous response for someone who didn’t want a big wedding to begin with anyways.” EmployAnxious9522
Another User Comments:
”NTJ – It was your wedding. You chose the food.
It’s not up to the now MIL to decide that it wasn’t “good enough” and, therefore, she had to supplement with something you didn’t like. Your MIL probably wanted to be involved and so I might have given her some useless task to “keep her busy.” Something that wouldn’t upset you and wasn’t Dollar Tree favors or a sheet cake. Maybe she could have been the person who kept track of RSVPs or a greeter to welcome your guests.” MGandPG
6. AITJ For Choosing To Go To A Wedding Over Keeping My Relationship?
“So I have a buddy that I met online. We’re not super close, but I would still call him a friend.
Since we don’t know each other in real life, we confide things to each other for the sake of getting objective opinions.
Buddy has an open-ish relationship. He was open, but his partner had no interest in venturing out herself. Cool, whatever makes them happy.
Well, he kinda fell for this girl he was seeing and hid the whole thing from his wife despite the unlimited hall pass and went back and forth on the whole thing for a while.
My advice to him was that it wasn’t fair to either of them. Both of them were going to get hurt, so he needed to pick one and pull the plug with the other.
He basically did that.
He and his wife talked it out, things are good now. Life moves on.
My partner is highly sensitive to even the slightest whiff of infidelity due to some childhood experiences, and understandably so. Short version, she overheard a conversation with my buddy and I and is now reading into it.
Needless to say, her opinion is he’s a total piece of crap of a human.
Mine isn’t so cut and dry. To me, he made some crappy choices, and I gave him my opinion on it, but that doesn’t make him a crappy person.
Life is complicated, love and emotions can be confusing, and his wife wasn’t exactly a great partner during that time which… I’m not victim-blaming, and it doesn’t justify or excuse it, but justifiable or not, people don’t have an affair without a reason.
It takes two to tango and all that. He’s a good friend, he’s admitted his mistakes, and that’s the end of it.
My partner got pretty heated when I informed her of the invitation and told me that if I go support him that I’m condoning those choices, and it will taint her opinion of me.
She says that it will impact our relationship, at least temporarily.
So she’s put me in a corner where I now have to choose, which doesn’t sit well with me for a number of reasons.
To add to this, she has two close friends.
One of whom I cannot stand and think is a pretty crappy person, and the other she tiptoes around for… reasons. I’ve hardly said anything about either other than offering advice when she brings up situations because I don’t feel it’s my place to interfere with her friendships.
So it feels pretty hypocritical to me, which is a feeling I’m maybe overly sensitive to.
This is the only sub she follows, so I’m sure she’ll see this, but this isn’t a passive-aggressive play. I feel like it’s crappy of her to throw her weight around regarding who I’m friends with and doubly so, given that I don’t do it with her, but I also recognize I can be insensitive to some things, so I’m genuinely curious to hear some objective opinions.
Anyway. Who’s the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a right to choose your friendships and have your own criteria to judge people’s characters. (Personally, I agree with you, your friend did a terrible thing, but that doesn’t mean he’s a terrible person, and ultimately he made better decisions in the end.
I think his wife has a right to know what happened, though. But since she was aware he was sleeping with other people, it’s not like she’s completely blind to the situation, I guess).
Your girl, while her views on infidelity and her prejudices against people who ever incur in it are too extreme for my liking, she is entitled to them.
And more importantly, she is entitled to decide whether your actions are dealbreakers for her. This isn’t about your friend, but about the fact you support your friend and, in her eyes, you condone his infidelity and now want to go celebrate his marriage while completely aware that he was unfaithful in it.
She is judging your character, not your friend’s. And she has a right to decide she doesn’t want a partner whose integrity she questions.
Ultimatums are almost never good. So instead of “making you choose,” she should have just been honest about how your attendance at this wedding made her feel and talk it out.
In the end, you’re both entitled to your perspectives and decisions. Make sure you both make decisions you can live with in the end.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your girl is clearly suspicious of why you’re so willing to stay friends with the guy because you don’t think having an affair is a big deal.
Would you stay friends with him if he’d HIT his wife? What if the person had an affair with was underage—would you still stay friends with him then? You say you “don’t justify or excuse” it, but you’re willing to forgive it—implying you don’t think it’s that big of a deal.
On the other hand, you’re not the injured party here—the wife is. And she DID forgive him. So why would it be your place to be angry on her behalf when she herself is over it? Plus, it’s not even like she’s the one who told you.
She probably wouldn’t WANT you to be angry on her behalf.
I think your best bet is to explain to your girl that you are not your friend, you would never be unfaithful, and that’s exactly why you told your friend to come clean.
But now that he’s having the wedding, their marital problems are really none of your business…and if she thinks you should make it your business, then she should do the same with her friends.” claireclairey
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your friend may have been in an open relationship, but he wasn’t open with his partner and hid it.
He had an emotional affair, and your girl seeing you support him makes her understandably upset. If you think it was ok for him, why wouldn’t it be ok for you too? You admit she has a history with infidelity.” Reddit user
5. AITJ For Giving My Partner A Taste Of Her Own Medicine After She Bailed Out On A Sleepover?
“My parents own a cozy house by a lake that’s roughly an hour and a half away from the town we live in. It has a big garden for our son “D” (2 m) to run in.
He loves it there and my parents love hosting us – it is my mother’s love language to have us there for the weekend they go very often, and she takes great care to get us the food she knows we’ll like.
My fiancee, “F” (35, f) doesn’t like staying overnight. She says it is unsafe (it’s not). The last time we stayed, she flipped about not being able to sleep because she was terrified and how I “forced her” to stay over despite it having been something we had both agreed not to do in advance with zero previous arguments.
The next day she admitted she was overreacting.
This weekend my parents had a big luncheon there with my dad’s side of the family. Planned months ahead. Our plans with F & D, settled well in advance, were to go over there today and come back tomorrow morning after breakfast.
We get there at about noon, and everything is good. Around 4, F asks me if we can go back to town. She says she’s on a heavy period and she feels uncomfortable staying. So I say I’m sad about it but I make zero fuss about it.
I pack up the car again by myself and issue apologies to my very surprised parents (I could tell my mom was hurt). We drove back down to town despite the fact that it was dark, way past D’s bedtime (my fiancee is a stickler for bed and nap times) and the highway was unsafe.
But we got back with few issues save for F asking if my parents were sad and I said yes, but they didn’t say much, and she said that was emotional manipulation but I let it go.
Fast forward to Sunday. My in-laws usually invite us over for lunch at their house every Sunday. They love having us over and I don’t really mind going because I recognize that it’s important for F and for her parents that we spend that time with them in their home with D.
But based on yesterday, I don’t want to go to lunch with my in-laws tomorrow. I know it’s more mature to discuss with F that despite the validity of her wishes to leave, it still hurt my feelings.
But I know she’ll say she doesn’t have to stay and why would she be “forced” to do something she doesn’t want to do, and just because my parents have the house doesn’t mean we NEED to go there, which is missing the point but it’s the direction the discussion has gone in the past.
So rather than “telling” my argument this time around, I feel like “showing” it and hope to prove the point across that, despite the differences in staying overnight and just having lunch, it’s important that we compromise for our both our families’ sakes and happiness.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Don’t be passive aggressive.
‘My fiancee, “F” (35, f) doesn’t like staying overnight. She says it is unsafe (it’s not). The last time we stayed, she flipped about not being able to sleep because she was terrified and how I “forced her” to stay over despite it having been something we had both agreed to way in advance with zero previous arguments.
The next day she admitted she was overreacting.’
So you know there have been issues staying here before.
‘F feels unsafe because as a child, thieves broke into her friend’s house while she was staying over. There have been cases of robberies in the area.’
And F has trauma related to this.
You cannot expect someone to follow your ‘rational’ thinking when trauma is involved. Dismissing her feelings and being adamant that the house is safe isn’t going to help her. You can’t ever 100% know that a house is safe and secure.
Therapy may help her with this.” happybanana134
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
She needs to get therapy because it sounds like her fear of burglars/robbers is getting more intrusive and problematic. That’s an issue that needs to be dealt with and it isn’t fair that the time your family can spend with you and your son has to be cut short because of her anxiety.
She needs to find a way to stay or let you and your son go to the lake house alone.
You would be the jerk for canceling because you don’t have a good or valid reason to.
You feeling upset is valid and your need to find a way to communicate how she is making you feel is valid, but this would be a bad way to do it.
If she can’t or won’t hear you when you try to explain, then you need couples counseling to find a way to communicate these kinds of issues.
It sounds like these things will just build resentment if you can’t find a way to be heard and she can’t find a way to feel respected at the same time.” Various-Grape-6524
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say NTJ.
But when she says she feels it’s not safe could it be because your toddler is by a lake and can easily wander off. I took my own kids to my parents’ cabin and my 3-year-old daughter would wander off (despite there being 10 adults) and I’d catch her in the dock every time.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her for a second. If she woke up before us she figured out a way to open the outside doors and again be on the dock. I myself had to explain we couldn’t come back to the lake house until my daughter understood the danger, it was so stressful for me.
Is your partner the only adult taking care of the child while you visit with your folks? Perhaps she’s just stressed out the entire visit, keeping your child from the water with very little help.
It might really not be fun for her, more stress and work for her. I think the two of you need to have a conversation about why she feels stressed with every visit to your parents’ house.
Maybe seeing your parents at a different location might help.” SeaweedSpirited2573
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
So you go to lunch with your in-laws every week because it’s important to her but she can’t be bothered returning the favor by spending time with your family even though it’s clearly important to you.
You’ve tried to be reasonable and she refuses to compromise so go ahead and skip the lunch. Why should you waste your Sunday being “forced” to do something you don’t want, after all you don’t “NEED” to go there.
Maybe getting a taste of her own medicine will show her what a poor sport of a partner she is being.” Tai-Fraiser
4. AITJ For Going Out To Look For My Husband When He Didn't Text Me Back?
“So this morning my (31F) husband (37M) woke me up to tell me he was going to the corner store to get gas. I said OK, and he left. I didn’t go back to sleep because I usually can’t fall back asleep after being up.
I laid in bed with the dog for a while and he was gone for about 40 minutes.
At this point, I’m thinking maybe the store was busy and he would be back soon. 20 minutes later, so an hour after he left, he still was not home.
I text him to ask if he was still at the store, no answer. I waited another 20 minutes and text him again in case he hadn’t heard his phone the first time. No answer again and at this point, I’m up and feeding the animals.
About 10 minutes later, I notice he’s left his phone. At this point, he’s been gone an hour and a half. I start to worry, but not panic because maybe he stopped somewhere else.
An hour later, I really start worrying and start getting scared that something happened.
I admit I have a bit of anxiety tied to losing people, and my mind starts racing. I’m thinking I need to go find him because what if he’s in an accident and has no way to contact anyone? For reference, we live semi-rural in the mountains.
So I grab the keys to the other car and drive along the route he would’ve taken. I don’t see him and think he might have gone to the local casino because it’s basically the only other thing around.
I pull up and see our car, and now I’m mad because I worried and he’s just been having a fun time.
Here’s where I might be the jerk. I went inside and confronted him about being gone for almost 3 hours when he said he was just going to the store.
He left with me but couldn’t understand why I was upset. I told him I had worried and thought something happened to him.
He said he’s fine and is always fine and not to worry or check up on him.
He told me I was being crazy and that he’s an adult and can do whatever he wants. I told him I’m not saying you can’t do what you want, but just let me know if you are going to be significantly longer than you said.
He told me he doesn’t need to answer to me and that he’s going to leave his phone on purpose now because he doesn’t want me bothering him if he wants to go do something.
I’m upset because I really was just worried, but now he’s treating me like I’m trying to control him. He’s mad and is outside and won’t talk to me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, I have the same type of anxiety and what your husband did is the exact same thing my abusive ex did when we went out.
This is unfair treatment; it falls under emotional manipulation and disrespect of boundaries. Because I bet dimes to dollars if you pulled the same thing he would flip crap about it. It’s a form of control.
Any healthy relationship will have open, honest communication and respect of boundaries and fears. It’s basic human decency to say where you’re going and when you’ll be back and to notify if it’ll be longer.
That’s not called controlling, that’s respecting your partner and keeping them informed.
Your husband lied and poorly on top of it. He said the corner store which wouldn’t be a 2+ hour trip and went to gamble instead.
And I’m sure he’s aware of your anxiety? So he said he didn’t care enough about that.
I know you’re already married here so it’d be harder, but if you got a way to leave OP I would.
This is a red flag of more to come, and do you really want to deal with situations like this or worse than this for the rest of your life? That doesn’t sound like love and partnership to me.” Choice-Second-5587
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I don’t care if family and friends spend hours or days doing something on their own, but when they tell you they will see you in an hour (for example) and they don’t arrive, hours pass and they don’t answer calls, anyone would be worried and start looking for them.
Once that happened to me and I called other family members first to see if they heard from him (my dad), I didn’t go and look for him though but was planning it with my brothers then he showed up lol he drove a friend doing errands for hours and lost his phone somewhere along the way.
Most people would react like this, and he is mad that you cared about him. Lol.
Let’s say the scenario went like this – He tells you he will be back in a few hours and will leave his phone because he doesn’t want to be bothered – would you be like “ok!” lol or ask him where he’s going? And if he replied “casino” how would you normally respond? This might be at the root of his “controlling” accusation.
Edit – just saw your post about going to the casino with him so don’t answer that. He might be developing a gambling addiction, hows the finances?” Otherwise_Turn_869
Another User Comments:
“ESH, you need to go to therapy to deal with your anxiety instead of making a scene when your husband doesn’t do exactly what you expect.” RLB4066
Reply:
“Agree I need therapy, which I’m in the process of seeking.
However, I didn’t make a scene. I confronted him and asked why he wouldn’t tell me he planned to be gone for hours. He shrugged it off by saying he thought I’d be sleeping and I didn’t need to come find him. He said I’m done here anyway and we walked out, got in separate cars, and drove home. We got into a fight about it at home.” Logical-Wealth8859
3. AITJ For Not Allowing My Partner To Adopt Two Cats?
“My (25f) partner (24m) and I have been together for over a year and considering moving in with each other.
First, the plan is, he gets his own place in another city, and I join in a few months when I graduate.
It would be both of our first experiences living without roommates, and I get that comes with some exciting freedoms.
My bf found out an old classmate (I wouldn’t say a friend) is giving away their two cats.
He thinks this is perfect timing because he’s always wanted this specific breed of cat.
The problem here is I already have a cat. He’s somewhat older (7), a very lazy breed, and not a fan of other cats or much excitement honestly.
He’s my pride and joy, even if he is “boring” compared to more active cats.
These two cats he wants to adopt are incredibly hyper indoor/ outdoor cats who are very much bonded with each other.
I told him while I sympathize, he really likes the cats, and they need a home. It would be a huge risk and put my current cat under a lot of stress. Sure, it could work, but they need a home asap, and there not an option to “test the waters” as, essentially, they are going on a long trip out of the country and need to dump the cats on someone before they go discover themselves (I have many opinions on this but it’s whatever).
He’s mad that an ad for the cats would be put online if I say no and they could essentially end up in a pound and they are his dream cats. He also has never had cats before (aside from watching them for a weekend – so he doesn’t understand how hard it is to acclimate cats to each other.
Not to mention the dangers of having indoor-outdoor cats mixed and three cats in an apartment
I told him if he really wants them- he can have them, but I will make not be moving in with him until I’m sure the cats are fine, and if they’re not, well, I don’t know, my cat came before him and he’s my priority.
He says it’s unfair because I got my dream animal and he has none. He never had pets before and this is what he had been looking forward to doing for years, and threatening not to move in is the same as giving an ultimatum since my cat likely has another decade in him.
I told him we could talk about getting a kitten that would be compatible- but he’s got his heart set on these cats and says I’m being controlling because “only I’m allowed to have pets” and giving an ultimatum.
Aitj?”
Another User Comments:
“Man, I really feel for your partner. Two bonded, healthy, social cats of his preferred breed, whose temperaments he already knows; up for adoption and not costing oodles of breeders’ fees – that’s any cat lover’s dream come true.
Of course, he wants to pounce on it. Right as he’s about to move into his own place. It must seem like all the stars are aligning and telling him to get these cats right here; how idealistically perfect for him.
It’s not perfect for you. How disappointing that must be.
Look, you are giving an ultimatum. Don’t downplay that; own that – but recognize the ultimatum is not ‘you cannot get the cats,’ it’s ‘I will not be moving in with you if you get these cats.’
Sometimes there is something you cannot compromise on.
You’re allowed to say you cannot live somewhere where your cat will be stressed out and unhappy because that’s a responsibility you have.
NTJ.” StripedBadger
Another User Comments:
“Mixed opinions on this. It’s good that you’re watching out for your cat, but you’re giving him an ultimatum after all.
You are not going to move in if he adopts those cats. That’s an ultimatum.
But at the same time, he’s allowed to have pets of his choice. He shouldn’t have to force himself to get a kitten that can gel with your cat over the cats he already loves.
Yes, he hasn’t been a cat parent before. But if he doesn’t take them in, the cats will go to the pound.
This situation sucks but see if there’s a way for you to get a cheaper place beside his apartment.
Introduce the cats and see if they get bonded over time. Then move in with him.
Soft YTJ for not considering his excitement and happiness to raise cats of his own.” Straight-Example9126
Another User Comments:
“I have mixed opinions on this but I feel like there is a better solution than giving him an ultimatum.
He does not seem to really understand your concerns, but he is also really excited about these cats, and they are available from someone he knows while he has a place where he can give them a home.
You are right to consider how your cat will take to newer cats, but I think I am leaning towards YTJ because you seem to be the one not willing to try and work through it.
You don’t know yet for sure whether your cat will react badly. You can still try to slowly introduce them before you fully move in, and maybe he will get used to them and tolerate them.
And while your partner’s friend may have to get them a home right away, there is nothing stopping you from keeping them temporarily to see if they acclimate to your place, and then find them a more suitable home if not.
Your man would be disappointed, but it may help him to see how much work it takes to have cats and make him feel better about the home they go to.” subsroo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can’t imagine saying, “I’ve always dreamed of this breed of cats and now some dude is giving them away and even if it super upsets your cat you’ve had for years, I must have these cats I barely know right now.” That seems like a weird hill for him to die on.
However, you saying that keeping your current cat happy is a perfect hill to die on. He’s already your cat, not someone else’s cat that someone else could adopt.
Do the apartments you’re looking at allow more than 2 cats? I know my friend found it difficult to find a place that allowed 3. I’m not sure how common that is. But it would be a great argument against adopting two more, that’s for sure.” EinsTwo
2. AITJ For Suggesting My Boss Changes The Wording On A Trophy From "Salesman" to "Salesperson"?
“So maybe I’m a stereotypical progressive feminist who’s chosen the wrong hill to die on, but I’m curious what some third-party people think! So I work in car sales at a dealership in which I am the only female sales consultant.
It doesn’t bother me working in a male-dominated field. If anything, I appreciate normalizing women in traditionally and historically, male-dominated fields. My colleagues and I are all pretty friendly for the most part and are fine cracking jokes, even potentially offensive ones.
Some of my coworkers even jokingly call me a “salesman” just to push my buttons because they know that I’m a more progressive person and obviously think it’s an outdated term and clearly misgendering. Nonetheless, when customers call me a salesman, I just brush it off because, whatever, I guess.
Anyway, ever since I moved into the sales department, I noticed the “Salesperson of the Month” trophy was labeled “Salesman of the month.” I told everyone that the day I won the award it would need to be changed since I am not a man.
Once the time came that I did win (this July), and I said all this in from of my manager, he rolled his eyes (clearly legitimately annoyed) and told me no. They would not be changing it.
If I wanted it to change, I could pay for it myself, or, we could do away with the trophy altogether. I looked him dead in the eyes and said, “That would be easier for you, but it wouldn’t be right.”
Fast forward to the next day, and the GM comes up to me and congratulates me on making top sales and winning Salesperson of the month.
I told him thank you, but that I would hope he’d consider changing the plaque on the trophy. He seemed a little surprised and brushed it off. After speaking with another one of my colleagues, he was leaving the room we were in and I told him that I was really looking forward to hearing his decision about the plaque.
Again, seeming caught off guard, he said “I think it’s being taken care of already” and left.
The next thing I know, it’s nearing the end of my shift when the GM calls me into his office.
He tells me that he had several people complaining about my comments about the trophy, that I had made them feel “uncomfortable.” He said that if I have issues with the way things are ran, that I need to come to him directly and speak privately with him, rather than speaking publicly.
I was honestly in shock when he told me this. I insisted that self-advocating is crucial in the workplace and that if that made anyone uncomfortable, the problem is not me, but them. We ended the meeting by agreeing to disagree that I did anything wrong.
A lot of my close friends and my partner are saying I’m in the right, but I’m wondering if maybe I’m just talking into an echo chamber. So, aitj?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You’re making a big thing out of nothing.
Especially since you’re claiming to not care about being in a male-dominated environment. You know you’re a woman and so do they.
“You, a woman, is more of a salesMAN than the MEN.” Quite impressive if you ask me.
Funny too. If you just change your perspective then you’ll see it for the small thing it is. Would you get mad if I said you are human? “NO I’M HUWOMAN!” no, it’s ridiculous. It’s just words, symbols and essentially sounds.
Don’t you find it interesting that when your words make someone else uncomfortable then it’s their problem, but their words making you uncomfortable is not your problem to just deal with?
You’re also making a bad name for women by acting like this and basically pushing your equality ideals on others.
Do you think they’re more or less likely to hire a woman after this? Especially since some of them if not most of them are feeling emasculated because they’ve been beaten by a woman. It’s true that their sexist views are to blame for that and thus their responsibility, but at the same time they’re only human and need time to lose that sexist view.
You indirectly rubbing it in will increase their sexism instead of decreasing it. Sometimes you win a fight by not fighting.” TheOriginalFlamez
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. To me it seems petty for the sake of it rather than addressing genuine inequalities.
Your boss has a point that if it was a genuine suggestion, it could have been handled more professionally. It sounds more performative than advocacy.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Ytj… it would be one thing if you weren’t being recognized for your accomplishments in your field when you’re clearly doing a good job.
I could see being upset at that, but being upset because the trophy has an outdated term on it, I think you’re overshadowing your own achievements by making this an issue. At the end of the day, who cares if it’s salesman, salesperson, saleswoman; you’re clearly doing a darn good job, and you should embrace the celebration as I’m sure you worked hard for it.
But making the work environment weird by you making an issue out of it so publicly during your own ceremony is not the way to handle things. I would say let it go. In the grand scheme of things, it is not that big of a deal.” urfavoriteoddity-
Another User Comments:
“These days the most common term I hear is “seller.”
I’m genuinely stunned by the number of people telling you to get off the hill. It may be a small thing, but as a small thing, it’s EASILY fixed too and not hard to show you the respect you’ve earned being the top salesperson of the month.
NTJ.” Ok_Two_8173
1. AITJ For Not Complying With My Deceased Mom's Will?
“I (M47) have a sister (F42) and brother (M39). Our widowed mum died recently, her will surprised us with a large sum in savings/investments. Parents sold their house to help pay for assisted living. The remainder we knew was in savings but expected $42-48k.
Estate is worth 6-7 times that. Will was written when both parents were alive. Items bequeathed to us we’ve had since the house was sold. 1 of 3 shares accounts in companies Dad worked for is assigned to each of us.
Finances in savings are to be shared equally between all living grandchildren, in trust until they turn 18. We think they decided this as they were selling up but wanted their grandchildren to have an inheritance.
We had a nice upbringing, but we aren’t close now as we’re 200 miles+ apart. We do remember birthdays and gather every Christmas. My sister and I have 3 kids each. Our brother is happily married to a wonderful man and was always open with no desire for children.
His sexuality was never an issue, and while his amazing wedding was after Dad died and Mom was too frail to attend, his partners were included in family events, and his husband always attends our gatherings.
Basically, he hasn’t been written out that he’s simply not benefitting because he doesn’t have children. My sister and I won’t receive pay, but we benefit in that we won’t be solely helping our under 18’s with first car/uni costs, etc, and our 21-year-old’s deposit for their first house is kickstarted.
Our brother is upset but isn’t making a fuss. Neither sibling needs finances, and we inherit approx $14,500 in shares each, but we have mortgages, and a chunk could be paid off. I’m the executor, my wife, BIL (sister’s husband), and I feel it’s unfair on my brother, and the pay should be divided by 9.
He’d be very grateful if I do this, but he’s not intent on contesting the will, while my other BIL refuses to comment. My sister disagrees. She wants me to “obey Mom’s wishes” and give each grandchild an equal share, saying our brother missed out due to his own choice not to have children.
I’m torn. We decided not to tell our kids until after probate (so they wouldn’t go mad mentally spending their inheritance), but I’ve spoken to my 21 yo son. I suspect my sister has told my nieces, as my kids have seen their cousins talking about holidays/cars.
My son feels we should divide the pay by 9 as he’s very fond of his uncle. I’ve not told my 17 and 12 yo, but I’m sure they’d agree. My sister is usually a lovely person, if not a little materialistic, and if she’s told her daughters, it’s her business but my 21yo feels they’ve been told and versed to argue re obeying grandma’s wishes if I divide the amount by 9.
If I defy the will I cause a family rift. If I obey my conscience will only be eased by sharing my kid’s 50% with my brother while my nieces get 50% between 3 – a bit unfair.
I’ve decided to split the savings by 9 so everyone is included. After costs that’s at least $30,000 each, so not a small change. AITJ for defying mom’s will?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What is a will? A will is a document that gives CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS on what the deceased wishes to do with THEIR assets – in this case, your mom wants to give the savings to her grandkids.
This isn’t about your brother missing out because he didn’t have kids. This is your mom wanting to help her grandkids out now that she’s no longer on this earth to be there for them.
You and your siblings had your parents to back you up all your lives. Grandma can’t offer that to her grandkids, so this may be her way of trying to. If her grandkids are smart, they won’t spend it frivolously and will save their finances and use it for college or towards a downpayment on a house/apartment or on something to significantly improve their lives.
To ensure that the finances are going to the grandkids, each child should open up a savings account in their name only, where the funds will be deposited upon reaching the age of 18. These finances aren’t meant to be used to help you, your sister, or your brother with a mortgage or anything else.
Respect your mother’s wishes. If your kids get their portion and decide to give some to their uncle, that’s their prerogative, but no one should be convincing them to do so.
At the end of the day, wills aren’t always fair but should be followed regardless.
This isn’t your finances to divide and split as you please OP. It’s your mother’s savings.
Edit: YTJ 100% and your true colors and entitlement are showing. And it’s not looking pretty. Adding to my comment after reading your responses so that people don’t have to look for it:
“What I can say is my parents were very careful with their finances, evident in that they had finances, and what they’re bequeathing to their grandchildren is meant to help pay for uni, mortgage deposit etc.
Not to blow on holidays and new cars, which is what I believe my nieces are planning to do. I can’t stop them doing that but I can control how much they waste by sharing it between my siblings too.”
It doesn’t matter what your parents’ values were or what your opinions are.
You don’t get to make the call on what your nieces can and can’t do with their rightful portion. If they want to “blow their savings on holidays and new cars” that’s their decision. You’re not “controlling how much they waste” when you give your siblings and yourself a cut.
You’re stealing from your nieces and kids for the benefit of you and your siblings and your justification is because you will spend it better. So if I steal from Donald Trump to feed the poor because CLEARLY, he doesn’t need any more finances, and I’m putting the finances to good use, does that mean I’m not a thief anymore? I can’t even say your intentions are good OP because, at least in my scenario, I wouldn’t be benefitting at all whereas you want to take a cut to pay your mortgage down which is DEFINITELY benefitting you.
“The overwhelming majority here are for following the will, but there’s a lot of miscomprehension happening here. Some have managed to misconstrue me, saying I’d put my 1/9 straight into my mortgage as taking each of my 3 kid’s 1/9 to put into the mortgage too.”
You need to go reread all the comments again or have someone who understands English translate for you because then you’re the one who seems not to comprehend what we’re saying.
The VAST MAJORITY of the comments clearly understood what you were saying and have been repeating the verdict like a broken record: YTJ/YWBTJ if you don’t split it 1/6 amongst the grandkids only. It doesn’t matter if you let your kids keep there 1/9 because the split shouldn’t even be between 9 people.
There are SIX grandkids, you and your sibling are not part of the equation so see yourselves out. And instead of accepting that, you keep on deflecting or coming up with reasons to justify yourself.
It’s a bad look, OP.
“…up until this will reading my siblings and I have always been treated evenly by our parents and I don’t think anyone realizes how hurt my brother feels.”
Again, you need to take yourself and your siblings out of the equation.
You and your siblings were treated equally – you each got 1/3 of shares from the company your dad used to work at. Those shares are meant to be split equally amongst you and your siblings.
As for the amount in the savings, that is reserved for the grandkids. They are on a different tier on the family tree. They are 6 individuals that, while related to you or your sister, are their own persons.
That amount is meant to be split equally amongst them 6 only. So grandma is treating each of her grandkids fairly. You need to stop seeing this as “well, my sister and I benefit from this” because it’s really not.
If the funds go to the grandkids and they only use it on themselves, they are benefitting, not you or your sister. And if you want equality, your brother never had kids and thus never had to bear the burden of that kind of financial strain, and now your mom is trying to reduce that financial burden on you and your sister so all 3 of you are more even financially.
It’s just a plus that she’s also managed to put every one of her grandkids in a favorable position financially too.
OP, to me it just sounds like you’re upset that your parents didn’t give you and your siblings more funds and instead gave the vast majority to the grandkids.
That’s called greed, and it’s ugly. My parents wrote their will and have revised it over the years. In the beginning, I’m sure my younger brother was allotted more than me and my older siblings.
It’s not because they loved him more. It was simply because he was the youngest and would need more help than us older children who could work and help ourselves. I imagine this is what your mom’s intentions were.
It’s not that she loves her kids less or favors the grandkids. It’s just that she’s helped you and your siblings all your lives and is now wanting to do the same for her grandkids.
Don’t let greed and twisted sympathy turn you into a jerk. Do the right thing and execute the will as your mother has written it.” NightAriaC
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with nobody’s the jerk. I can see both sides to this.
OP wants to make sure their brother gets what they feel like is a fair share. Of course, I also get why OP’s sister may be upset since her kids may not be getting as much.
I can see why OP decided to hold off on telling their kids about the inheritance.
There’s a similar situation in my family. My grandma wants to split everything she has equally between all her descendants – that’s 8 ways between my mom and stepdad, my aunt and uncle, my two cousins, my brother, and I.
My parents don’t feel like they need the funds and have been trying to talk her into leaving their shares to my brother and me (it’s easier that way because of taxes and crap).
Maybe OP can talk it out with their sister and brother and reach some sort of compromise.
I don’t think they’re the jerk for trying to look out for him.” Xopher001
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your logic isn’t even sound.
You and your siblings are getting the same amount of funds as each other. Your parents’ grandchildren are also getting the same amount of funds amongst themselves, for their generation.
The fact that the grandchildren getting finances helps save you and your sister some of the savings is irrelevant. That £40k is still less than what you and your sister have spent raising them anyway!!
But even if it were more, IT DOES NOT MATTER.
It’s what your parents wished to do with THEIR finances. As the executor, it is your moral and legal obligation to fulfill their wishes as written.
You are basically stealing the grandchildren’s finances to give it to yourself and your siblings. That’s morally reprehensible.” witcher_rat
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