People Want To Know Our Views Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
19. AITJ For Not Giving My Seat To My Partner?
“My partner (27F) and I (26M) went out for a special event and we were both very dressed up.
It was in another city and we don’t have a car so we took the bus there.
On the way back we realized we had some unexpected errands to do in the other city and we spent a good hour walking around.
The city is hilly with older cobblestone paths and this was quite tiring for me as I’m not the fittest.
When we caught the bus to go home, I entered the bus first and took the last available seat and my partner stood next to me.
When the bus started moving she asked if she could take my seat as her feet were tired and I declined as I was tired and quite breathless still.
When we got home she said I was being inconsiderate since she was in heels.
I didn’t really think that’s relevant since she almost always wears heels but she said those were stilettos and she normally wears block heels but I don’t really know the difference and I didn’t think it mattered for standing, maybe for walking.
She is fitter and goes to the gym and has more stamina and it was just her feet that were tired so I feel I deserved the seat more. Besides it was her choice to wear the shoes.
AITJ here since I was actually tired and got to the seat first?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, there’s a huge difference between stilettos and block heels in terms of where the pressure is when walking and standing.
Even for someone who wears block heels or thicker (often shorter) heels often, stilettos can make your feet sore. You could’ve caught your breath standing up and been more considerate of your partner’s aching feet. Plus, since you said yourself the errands were unexpected; she chose to wear those heels not realizing you two would be walking around for an hour on cobblestones (which make walking in heels even harder, by the way).
So your ‘she chose to wear the shoes’ argument isn’t valid.” lit_lattes
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – divorcing this from gender expectations, I think you two could’ve found a compromise instead of selfishly finding reasons to keep the seat for yourself. Yes, wearing heels all day, especially stilettos, hurt while standing.
She didn’t need to wear the shoes, and you didn’t need to let yourself be out of shape. It doesn’t matter how you both got to the point of discomfort, the fact is, you both were uncomfortable and should’ve found a way to help each other out.
Switch seats. Take turns. Communicate.” KurlyKayla
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not compromising.
I’m all for treating people equally. Just because she’s a woman and chose to wear heels doesn’t entitle her to the seat. However, she is your partner and you should care about her and her comfort as well.
I’m assuming it’s a long bus ride since it was in another city as you say. Why not ask to sit first so you could catch your breath and then halfway switch so she can relax a bit? Why not have her sit on you, or try and share the seat if physically possible?
She’s not entitled to the seat because she’s a woman, but you surely are not entitled to the seat because you are lazy and out of shape. If you can’t think of the needs of your partner then just be single.” SpookyTeaTime
18. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister Stay At My Apartment?
“My sister (28 F) has always been the irresponsible one of the both of us even though I (24 F) am younger than her by 4 years. Recently my sister has gotten into illegal stuff and excessive drinking with friends. The apartment she was renting kicked her out a few months back and I let her stay with me for a bit.
However, when she threw a giant house party while I was on a business trip I told her she needed to look for somewhere else to stay.
Recently she was involved in a car accident (yes she was the one driving, no one else was hurt, she broke her collarbone and her ankle, and yes she was inebriated).
She lost her recently rented apartment because she couldn’t afford to pay rent and asked if she could stay with me.
For context, both of our parents (divorced) told her she could stay with them but she told them both that she had already made arrangements with me without actually asking me.
My parents think it is selfish not to help her in her time of need but she has done this all her life where she makes giant mistakes and expects everyone to drop everything for her.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s played the stupid game and won the stupid prizes.
Why should you risk your own good standing with your landlord (assuming you rent too) by letting a proven bad tenant share your space?
Your parents might be part of the problem by thinking it is YOU who are selfish. Yikes that might explain why she pulls the crap she does thinking it’s fine to do so.” HoxtonLover
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You already sheltered her once. She threw a party while you were away and she messed up again and now she wants to come back. She knew that your parents have strict rules in their respective homes. She knows too well that she can still be sneaky at your apartment when the cat is away.
You have to be firm this time. She’s older than you. You sound like there’s still a chance that you might take her in. JUST DONT. For your sanity’s sake. You’re 24 and you shouldn’t stress about other people’s crap but your own.” Comprehensive-Bit415
17. AITJ For Trying To Help A Single Dad?
“I and my husband took our toddler to the park the other day to enjoy the good weather. We were chilling enjoying the equipment when I heard crying. Not usual baby crying- like full-on sobbing. Naturally, I looked around to make sure everything was ok when I saw a man with his own toddler having a mini meltdown.
I asked my husband to keep an eye on our baby and went over to see if I could help.
I started talking with the man and he vented that his kid was being extra defiant and nothing he tried was working.
He told me the mother left recently after deciding motherhood wasn’t for her and he’s been having a hard time adjusting. Over the next 30-45 mins I showed him different techniques and told him about different parent sites I read and support groups.
Basically, anything I thought would help. I also gave him my social media page in case he wanted to reach out to vent or needed advice. After he looked very relieved and thankful so I went about my day.
My husband was quiet when I got back and was acting weird so I asked what was wrong.
He said I abandoned my family for a stranger on our day out (he works a lot so it’s rare all 3 of us get to be out together). He then told me I was weird for giving the man my social media account.
I told my husband I did as soon as I rejoined him.
I didn’t think much of it since I didn’t feel comfy giving out my number and I don’t use many social sites. I tried telling him I was just trying to be helpful and hoped someone would help him if he was in that situation.
But the way he’s acting now I feel like I should have minded my business. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You did a kind thing that took that dad out of bad head space. Even if he doesn’t contact you, you gave him other resources that are more anonymous that he can look into to find support during this massive change.
But, being a true crime nut, I can see where your husband might be concerned about family safety and wrapped that up in ‘why didn’t you spend time with us?!’ dressing. Just because you didn’t give him your address and phone number doesn’t mean he always has good intentions.
You just can never be too careful, people are strange, yes even people with toddlers/kids!
As far as spending time away from family during the time at the playground, I bet the kid was having so much fun they didn’t notice mom was chatting with someone.
Or if they did they thought it was an old chum or something else and went back to playing. Kids don’t think deeply like that when they could be playing I think.” Accomplished-Dog3715
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You acted as part of the village and reached out to someone who was struggling.
You are a wonderful person. It shouldn’t matter if it’s a Mum or Dad, if you can help, you should help.
Your husband has you to bounce ideas off this gentleman has nothing, actually less than nothing, because he has an ex-partner who decided to chuck in the job of parenting their own child because it got hard so can’t even co-parent.
It’s a well-known fact that men don’t reach out to others for assistance, they internalize the issues and sometimes that goes so badly. Women seem to be able to group together, there are so many ‘mothers groups’ on social media to connect to.
Eg, the mother’s group I’m on has 28k members, and the dad’s group has 779, yep, it’s in the three digits.
Your husband should have reached out if he’s got an issue with you reaching out.” Mythbird
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You did something very kind for someone who was obviously struggling.
That’s cool, but your husband still has the right to feel sad about missing out on family time with you. You said he works a lot and was probably looking forward to spending some time with the two most important people in his life.
30-45 minutes is a long time to be gone when you just told your husband you’ll see if you can help.
Maybe you should have come back after a couple of minutes to tell your husband something like ‘Hey, this guy is completely overwhelmed being alone with his kid.
I’ll show him some stuff to help him out. Do you want to come over there with me? You could speak to him from dad to dad and share some things I probably don’t know about.’
The social media thing is a bit…
iffy, I guess. Some people strictly use it for family and long-term, real-life friends, while others just don’t care. I had a partner who started being unfaithful to me by adding a stranger on social media when I was younger, so I certainly understand your husband’s thoughts.
At the same time, I don’t think everyone adding strangers is looking to be unfaithful. You most certainly didn’t give that stranger your profile so you could start having an affair, which makes you think it isn’t a big deal understandable.
All in all, I’d say just talk to each other. Both of you should try putting yourself in the other’s shoes. Speaking from a male perspective, he might feel a bit threatened by the stranger because he is working a lot and feels like he isn’t around as much as he thinks he should be and is afraid of you just randomly finding another dude and dumping him.
Or he’s just insecure in general (which a lot of us are because of some insane expectations put on us by society). That’s why communication is key. Hope you guys can sort everything out and move forward together.” WeaponsAreForTheWeak
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
That was very kind of you.
I would hope anyone would try to help another human out like that, but in reality, it’s incredibly rare. Your husband should admire and be grateful for your kindness. Not only because that’s the kind of partner anyone would be lucky to have, but because that’s a wonderful attribute to model for your children. Is it disappointing that he lost half an hour of his family time? Sure. But at that moment, that stranger needed you more than your husband did and your husband should recognize that.” jm22mccl
16. AITJ For Giving Our Stove Away Without Informing My Wife?
“My mother lives nearby and is rehabbing her kitchen. Tuesday she asked if I knew anyone who wanted a working stove because she was having a new one delivered Thursday. I called two of our farm’s low-income employees. Joe says yes and that he can pick it up Friday which was the cut-off date my mother had set; she needs it out of the way.
Done deal.
Friday, yesterday, Joe’s truck is broken so a friend of mine uses his truck to go to his mother’s house. Joe loads the stove in a friend’s truck and they bring it back here to the temp store in one of our barns.
My wife now sees the stove and wants to keep it.
My wife says I am a jerk for not asking her first if she wanted it. I had no idea she wanted a second stove; she has never mentioned it before.
Just for clarity’s sake, we have no place to put a second stove. However, my wife has been planning on building a room in one of our barns for about 7 years. I’ve not seen any of the plans for this room.
Today, for the first time, she tells me she will use that stove in that possible future room. I still have no idea what it would be used for.
This morning she left a note for me to not give away the stove.
When I told her I had already told Joe he could have it Tuesday, she called Joe and told him he can’t have it, and she was going to keep it.
We are a high-income family, and the cost of a new stove is meaningless to us.
But we are frugal and don’t spend money frivolously. I feel like Joe should get the stove and if wife really wants one, she can go buy another one. My wife says I was wrong to give it away without asking her first.
I told her, I didn’t give it away, my mother did, and that she was stealing it from Joe, a highly valued farm hand that was difficult to find.
AITJ for not consulting with my wife prior to giving this stove to our worker?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your wife is being greedy, and weird. Apparently, she wants to keep a perfectly good working stove to just sit in the barn until she eventually gets around to making ‘a room’ with no specified use, but that she’ll need a stove for.
It would be silly to go along with that. Most likely, the stove would sit in the barn unused, might wind up ruined by the elements, or with mice or other critters nesting in it, and if your wife ever actually gets around to making her room, by the time she does I guarantee she’ll want a new stove.
So call Joe, tell him your wife was confused and the stove is indeed his. Then tell your wife her demands are bizarre and greedy, and the stove is NOT hers to keep — it was your mother’s, she gave it to Joe, and that is a done deal.
Make sure to tell her if she ever actually gets around to building this mysterious room you’ll find a stove for it, but until then you don’t want to hear any more about it.” Bookish4269
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The stove is your mother’s to give.
Her decision through you to give it to someone in need is sensible. Is your wife even going to use this stove in a timely manner? Is the reno of the barn already underway? If not, she cannot expect you to intuit her desire for a beat-up used stove at some indeterminate future time out of thin air.
It may not even work after years of storage in a barn as mice chew through it. Just let it go and buy something else (new or used) when the time comes.” vikingthundergoddess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And your wife is a crappy employer.
I bet she would also keep the tips to herself if you guys had a restaurant and not a farm. To be honest, I would tell her she can keep the stove and you will buy John a new one since you promised him a stove.
Your wife sounds not only greedy but the kind of greedy she would prefer to throw stuff away instead of giving it to people who need it. You know, stuffing her face with cake till she pukes and then throwing the rest in the garbage while people are starving around her.” Every_Caterpillar945
15. AITJ For Hating My Little Sister?
“I (18F), and my little sis (15F) never really got along. Mostly because, all my childhood, she would ‘bully’ me, telling me how ugly I am every day, and I would get yelled at by my parents if I said anything to make her stop (they would also yell at me if she did anything wrong, because she would always blame me, and everyone (mom, dad, big sis) would always take her side since she’s young and can do no harm)
Anyways, because of that, I just always let her be mean, it doesn’t hurt me as much anymore as when I was a kid anyways.
And she also calmed down those last few months, she stopped giving those mean remarks, so it was better, we would just not talk to each other.
But Saturday, a friend of hers came to sleep at our home. They did a loooot of noise, like talking and giggling, until really late at night, like 2 am, and my bedroom is next to hers so I couldn’t sleep, but I said nothing.
So I slept late, but in the morning she put on really loud music which woke me up. I told her to please stop it so I could sleep one hour more, but she got mad I asked and started complaining.
And I don’t know what came over me, why I overreacted like that, I just yelled ‘OH MY GOD, I WISH YOU WEREN’T MY SISTER, I HATE YOU’. She said nothing, but then she started crying, and it made me feel so guilty, but I didn’t say sorry or anything.
She told my parents, and they were mad at me of course, but my big sister is also really mad, telling me I shouldn’t have said that, and that I’m a really bad sister. I don’t think it’s fair, because my little sister is worse than me, but I do feel really guilty because she’s younger, and I should have just shut up.
And I didn’t want to make her cry, I love her even if she’s mean, and I feel so bad that I wasn’t able to be someone she can like. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“‘I feel so bad that I wasn’t able to be someone she can like.’
This statement hurts my heart for you, OP.
You shouldn’t have to BE SOMEONE DIFFERENT from your family in order to simply feel like by them.
You are NTJ here, and the way your family readily supports you being bullied by your sister makes them enabling jerks, or at the very least, sucky at being a supportive family.
They want you to support your sister in whatever toxic garbage she heaps upon you, but aren’t willing to support her being kind to her sibling? Their other DAUGHTER? Makes no sense. Perhaps you can sit them all down and ask if you guys can do some kind of family mediation? Maybe there’s an outside person like an aunt/uncle, grandparent, or family friend – who sees this favoritism firsthand, sees what you’re going through, and can be there for support and validation when you speak to them.
Is it possible you feel comfortable with a teacher/ coach or school counselor and would be able to open up to them?
Good luck, OP. I hope things get better for you. Please continue to speak up and advocate for yourself, even if no one else seems to be in this dysfunctional family.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Weekly_Ad_6731
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it makes sense, you were sleep deprived and I imagine feeling frustrated she was being extra noisy. I don’t think you’re a jerk, sounds like you’ve held these feelings in for so long that they suddenly slipped out.
I do think your parents need to be held accountable. Your younger sister is spoiled and these are the consequences of her actions. If you’d like you can apologize for yelling, other than that there’s nothing else I think you have to apologize for.
Your younger sister is 15, she’s going to learn the hard way she can’t treat you or anyone else badly!” splootsaredabest
Another User Comments:
“‘I feel so bad that I wasn’t able to be someone she can like.’
Honey, this is absolutely heartbreaking. I think the cruelty from your sister and your parents allowing it and even contributing has really deeply affected you more than you realize.
It’s like you blame yourself for this mistreatment and that is so unhealthy. I don’t mean this in a negative way at all, but you really should look into therapy. You are likable and loveable just as you are. Please believe that.
I urge you to get out of this situation as soon as possible, for your own mental health. I’m not saying to cut off your family at this point, although that may be an avenue you want to pursue in the future.
I would recommend moving out as soon as you can, finding a therapist, and working with them to set up healthy boundaries for what you will tolerate from your family.
As for your direct question, no, you’re NTJ. Was that the best choice of words? Obviously not.
But I can’t blame you for reaching a breaking point when it seems you’re being attacked from all sides with no light at the end of the tunnel. Clearly, you feel guilty and blame yourself for it all, so you seem to be a good person overall. Just a wounded one. I hope you find a way out so you can have some peace. You deserve it!” PauseItPlease86
14. AITJ For Telling My Sister She's Not A Victim Of Parentification?
“I (22F) have a twin, ‘Mark’ (22M), and an older sister ‘Riley’ (25F). Mark and I’s relationships with Riley have always been strained, as she was rather resentful of us (especially me) growing up. My mother says that this is because when Mark and I were born, people would always express more interest in us than Riley since we were twin babies.
She hasn’t explained why Riley seemingly never got over this, but I digress.
Recently, all three of us were visiting my parents over the holidays. While there, my mom commented on how proud she was of all of us. Mark and I thanked her, but Riley countered this by saying, ‘I should be the proud one.
I basically raised them.’ We were all taken aback by this and asked Riley to explain what she meant.
Some backstory: my mom worked part-time when we were kids, and while she was working her parents (my grandparents) would babysit all three of us.
As we grew older, my mom never once asked Riley to babysit Mark and me (this would’ve been difficult anyways, given the not-huge age gap). She always hired a sitter if my grandparents weren’t available, even when Riley told her that she was too old to be babysat.
We all split chores evenly, and my parents and I cooked dinner every night.
Riley followed up her claim by saying ‘I always was in charge of driving them places. School, our sporting events, everywhere. That was completely unfair to me – people now call that parentification.
So, I’m the one that should be proud.’
I laughed and said ‘Parentification is when the oldest sibling is given the role of a parent. Yes, you drove us to school – the same school that you went to! You only drove us to sporting events when you were also participating in them! If you recall, you literally never drove us anywhere that you weren’t already going yourself.
You were never parentified – and the fact that you think you were shows how awful of a sister you really are.’
AITJ? I didn’t think I was, but now Riley is mad at me. She told me I had no idea what it’s like to have to drive to school with your younger siblings, and to be honest, she’s right.
My mom didn’t comment, but she did say that I shouldn’t have engaged with her comment, so I’m feeling like maybe I am the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Riley needs an attitude adjustment. She’s playing martyr here, but she really doesn’t have anything much to complain about.
She wasn’t old enough to change your diapers. She never babysat you and your brother. She doesn’t mention if she ever helped you with your homework. All she complained about was driving you to some places at some times, not having to drive you every time you had to get somewhere.
She doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘parentification’.” Sea-Confection-2627
Another User Comments:
“Social worker here! You’re right that parentification is when a child is given responsibilities similar to a parent. Other examples include expecting a child to wake up their siblings and getting them ready for school (bathed, dressed, and fed), watching them on a regular basis for extended periods of time, and working to provide for the family.
It sounds like she’s hurt by something though. Maybe it’s just the driving, maybe it’s jealousy that you guys were given more attention when you guys were little; I don’t know, I’m not there. But calling your sister ‘awful’ is definitely not going to make her like you more.
I’m going to give a soft ‘everyone sucks here’ because it sounds like everyone made a not-a-great move in the conversation. Could’ve been worse, could’ve been better.” Scary-Baby15
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just like ‘woke’ and ‘gaslighting’, ‘parentification’ is being wildly overused. You perfectly pointed out one of the key differences; Riley was already going to all of those places anyway, so there was absolutely no inconvenience to her.
IF you need to re-engage, the simplest explanation of parentification is: making a minor child responsible and accountable for their younger siblings. So having your older child ‘watch’ their younger siblings after school; is not parentification, they’re already going to be home, they’re just able to dial 911 a bit better.
Having an older child reheat a dinner that was previously made; is not parentification, again, they’re already going to be feeding themselves, they just need to heat up more food… Forcing your child to quit an after-school activity to watch their younger siblings, holding your child accountable for their younger siblings’ actions, making your child fund their sibling’s activities, etc… these are parentification.” vance_mason
13. AITJ For Not Tolerating My Niece's Picky Eating Habits?
“My niece (12F, only child) on my husband’s side is a terribly picky eater. She will only eat a limited array of junk food and chicken, lamb, beef, and bread. She does not have any disorders, sensory issues, intolerances, or allergies.
She has simply been allowed to choose her food since she was about four. (I’d be surprised if an issue has been missed because she has been checked for everything under the sun and doctors have advised her parents that she needs to eat a more varied diet.)
It is expected by her parents (SIL and BIL) that if they’re staying with us I (or whoever is cooking) will cook the food she will eat to her specifications, either requiring that to be what everyone has (eg well-done beef) or she gets separate food made.
She makes rude comments about food she doesn’t like on other people’s plates. If we go out somewhere she will take all the bread and also food off other people’s plates if it’s what she wants to eat. Meals get disrupted because she frequently rudely rejects what she’s been given or ordered even if it’s something she supposedly eats or asked for so someone has to organize something else or order something or one of her parents will abandon the meal to take her somewhere else.
Food gets sent back to restaurants because it’s not ‘done right’ for her. I’ve yet to experience a meal with them that was not in some way disrupted by her and plans have gone awry due to her changing her mind about what she wants.
I have made a few attempts to discuss the food and behavioral issues and these have been treated dismissively, as in ‘It’s no big deal, she’s just very certain about her likes and dislikes’. My husband has attempted to talk to them about it as well and his sister just says ‘Well you’re a picky eater’.
He’s allergic to fish, seafood, and pork and doesn’t like avocado, so not the same thing.
I have told my husband that I will not spend any more meal times with her until the behavior stops, that I will not prepare or find special food for her, and that I will not disrupt any of my plans for someone else to organize new food for her after she rejects something she originally said she wanted.
I will of course explain this and my reasons to SIL/BIL (politely). He says that I need to be more tolerant and that it may damage the relationship we have with SIL and BIL. I’ve said he’s free to spend meals with her and continue accommodating it all, but I won’t be.
To be clear, if someone else prepares or arranges her special food and she learns to be polite and not disruptive at meal times, I will accept the situation. I have extreme concerns about her diet from physical health, social, and mental health perspective, and I would like to see something done, but I can only raise my concerns with her parents, I can’t force anything on them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Disliking certain foods is understandable. To a degree eating a limited variety of foods is even understandable, and something that could be coped with by everyone involved.
What actually sounds problematic is the niece’s rude behavior. It’s never ok to take food from another person’s plate or to take all the bread meant to be shared in a restaurant.
Plus, commenting on what others are eating when no one is forcing her to eat that food is absolutely unacceptable.
That’s what I would focus on when speaking to SIL/BIL about the behaviors. You’ll need to handle it diplomatically, but, I see no reason a rational conversation can’t be had.” Carmella-Soprano
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
The parents created that little monster behavior at the dinner table.
I can actually understand a kid being picky and it can be a big saga getting them to eat a lot of different foods. However, the parents should bring this girl meals from home or where ever they can buy food just the way she likes it when it comes to family gatherings.
The parents need to inquire about what restaurant the family will be visiting prior to the day of the gathering so they can decide if it’s worth it or not even going to the event after they go online and look at the restaurant’s website to review the menu.
If the restaurant doesn’t have a website, they need to call and ask about the menu. The whole family shouldn’t be catering to this kid like that since she is not suffering any known medical conditions surrounding food. If this was some type of allergy, I’d cut the kid some slack, but this just seems like the parents gave into the bad behavior of a toddler and they never regained control.” SwimmingParticular98
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because of her behavior at mealtimes.
If she were just a picky eater politely eating the foods she can tolerate, I’d say you should butt out – it’s not your job to be concerned about her nutrition, her parents and her doctor are handling that.
But she’s old enough to understand that she shouldn’t comment on other people’s food, shouldn’t grab food off people’s plates(!), and gets one chance to order in a restaurant (or request a meal be cooked for her) and then has to either eat what’s put in front of her or wait and make herself a sandwich at home. It’s reasonable not to want to be around her at meals unless this behavior changes.” Scrabblement
I've made (make) my kids try everything. They have to eat one bite if it's something new. But they still have to try it. They've been pleasantly surprised some times. And one of my kids has a texture issue with some foods. But he will still try it. With the exception of cooked vegetables, but even them he's recently decided to give them a try himself.
12. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister Invite Her Friends To My Wedding?
“I’m (27f) getting married in May and my sister (21f) is furious that I won’t let her bring a couple of friends to the wedding. She’s a bridesmaid and will be sitting with the rest of the wedding party at the head table.
We cannot let our wedding table sit with their significant others during dinner due to space but then they can do whatever they want after dinner. Her partner of two years will be there and so will our parents and our other sister.
I do not have a big extended family and my fiancé does. Our venue has a strict guest limit so my fiancé and I created rules about who would be invited. We want the guests to be people who are part of our lives and support us.
We made the wedding 18+ only and the only plus ones invited are serious relationships, engaged couples, and married couples. We sent out the invitations two weeks ago and have had only three people say they can’t make it.
My sister found out and asked if she could invite some friends to take their places.
I said I didn’t want strangers at my wedding and mentioned that she will have her partner and our parents and sister there. She got upset and said it’s not fair that she is 6 years younger and won’t know many people and threw out that her partner will be alone in his age group during dinner (he will be sitting with my parents and they talk all the time, even without my sister.)
She gave me the ‘but I’m your sister’ card too.
And my mom is on her side and asked me to ‘find it in my heart’ to consider letting her have friends there. My mom offered to pay for the seats of my sister’s friends as well but it’s not all about the money.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Weddings aren’t concert venues you’re trying to sell out, and also, it’s not your job to make sure your sister has the night of her life with friends. This is your day as a couple and you can celebrate it the way you wish.
That might mean disappointing some folks, but your sister is an adult and capable of handling disappointment (and learning to navigate very common social settings where you have to meet new folks). This seems like a moment for her to grow up a bit.” golden_lightly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your sister is being a brat and your Mom is being a spineless waffle.
No one ever gets to bring their own clique to someone else’s wedding just to have people to talk to. This’ll never happen in the history of ever, and your Mom should be teaching your little sister how things work in the real world and not caving to her childish demands.
Your wedding is about you and your SO being surrounded by people who love you and want to celebrate this milestone in your life. Your sister’s friends are obviously not those people and thus do not belong at your wedding.” lionne6
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I can understand her feeling anxious that she ‘won’t know anyone there’ (which is untrue, she’s got her family and her partner there) and feeling like an outsider because she doesn’t know many people there, which still doesn’t obligate you to invite her friends.
If you want to smooth things over with her, you can try gently explaining that just being there for someone else on their wedding day is a lovely way to support those we care about in their new marriage and that someday you’ll do it for her too!
However, if you don’t have the capacity for that (which is totally legitimate), you can calmly and firmly employ the ‘gray rock’ method on her and your mother. ‘The guest list is already decided and we are not changing it now’, ‘I’m sorry you’re upset but we are not changing our wedding plans’, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, but the answer is no’, etc.” GentleUncleIroh
11. AITJ For Buying My Stepson A Car Yet Not Fully Paying My Son's Car?
“I’m 43M, I have two biological kids (17M and 13F) and two stepkids (26F and 16M). I share custody of my bio kids with my ex-wife, my stepdaughter has her own place and my stepson lives with me and my wife.
Their bio-dad hasn’t been involved for almost 15 years now.
When I married my wife, her daughter just turned 16, and my wife didn’t have a job at the time, so I offered to buy her (my stepdaughter) her first car (originally my wife was going to, but she had just lost her job and we were just starting to share finances).
I told her I’ll give her 5k to buy the car, and if she got a cheaper car, the rest can go towards the gas for the first few weeks or months.
I did the same thing for my son when he turned 16, but he wants a more expensive car, so he hasn’t bought one yet, he is still saving up.
My stepson turned 16 last week and I gave him the same funds for a car – 5k. He chose a cheaper car and we’ll also fix it up a bit together, so he already has a car now.
My ex called me yesterday and she was furious, saying that if I have 5k for my stepson’s car, I also have a couple extra thousand for our son’s car.
I told her yes, I do, but this is not about the funds, it’s about the kids having a car and also learning financial responsibility. She was mad.
My son texted me this morning, saying he is disappointed that I won’t give him a bit more funds for his new car.
I told him in the year since I gave him the 5k, he could have either bought a cheap car (and I offered to help him fix it up) or got a part-time job and earn some more funds. He called me an unfair jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“5K doesn’t go as far as it used to, but ignoring inflation, your position seems fair and respectful. Your son wants a nicer car than your stepson. You say ‘Okay. Here’s $5K, guess you’ll have to save the rest’.
This is, coincidentally, how the world works. I think there are no jerks here, except your ex. Your son can be excused for pushing you after his mom freaked out at you. But your position is reasonable, your children’s different car preferences are reasonable, and you respect them and let them make their own choices.
NTJ” BigBayesian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your son should feel blessed that his Dad can afford to give him 5k towards a car. A lot of parents don’t have the means to do that. Your ex-wife needs to sit down and cough up the funds to help the child, that you BOTH created, get a car.
Realistically he can get one for under 5k. He’s just choosing not to and hoping you’ll give him more.
Don’t. You’re absolutely right in wanting to teach responsibility.” ToxicChildhood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It sounds like everything you did was fair. You gave everyone $5k towards a car, they all CHOSE to get a cheaper car, and your son is the only one who wanted a more expensive car
It would be unfair if you did help him pay for a more expensive car.
The other kids will think that you’re playing favorites by helping your son in getting a more expensive car. I suggest sticking to your word and letting your son save up the rest of the funds for the car he wants; you gave him a significant boost, and the rest is up to him.” DJ_Too_Supreme
10. AITJ For Not Paying For My Friend's Vet Bills After I Injured Her Dog?
“My friend who I’ll call Amy and her partner have a dog, a staffy to be precise, that they never bothered to train properly. The only command the dog knows is to sit, but the worst thing is that he is mouthy and will jump on people when they come through the door.
It didn’t use to be a problem when he was a puppy, but now that he weighs almost 40 pounds it’s quite the problem. This past Friday they insisted I come over for drinks instead of us meeting at a bar, and when I came through the door their dog came running towards me at full speed and jumped at me while Amy and her partner laughed.
I put up my hands on instinct to shield my face and brace myself since I am quite short, and I ended up scratching the dog’s eye with my nails. Amy and her partner got really mad at me and had to take their dog to the vet later in the night because he wasn’t doing well.
Today I got a text with the vet bill included, and them asking me to pay it fully, which I refused for two reasons: One, the vet bill is nearly the same amount as my rent, and I simply can’t afford it without breaking the bank, and two, I’ve been telling them to train their dog for nearly a year now which they haven’t done, and it lunges and chews on anything that moves.
Our friends heard of what happened through Amy, and although they haven’t scolded me or sent me any direct scathing messages, I can feel that some of them think I am the jerk and that I’m not doing the right thing.
As for Amy and her partner, they think that I am being an irresponsible adult and have made it clear that they themselves cannot afford the surprise expense. My roommate also thinks that I should partially help with the bill. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
People who allow their puppies to do things that when they are grown would not be acceptable are bad dog owners.
This is true especially true when they know the dog is going to be especially strong. But even with a small dog, they can do damage to clothing and skin.
They laughed at you for trying to defend yourself from their large dog.
When the inevitable happens they want money.
If you had been knocked over by the dog and broken your arm would they have paid your hospital bill?” Ghitit
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. You were simply protecting yourself, it is not your fault that the incident occurred.
Since it is not your fault, you are not responsible for the bill.
You could characterize this as an accident, but if you wanted to assign blame, it would go to the owners who refuse to restrain and prevent the dog from jumping up on people.
They know it is going to happen and they let it happen. While it’s certainly unexpected that this incident occurred, at the same time they have only themselves to blame.” No_Abbreviations2146
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
An untrained Stafford Bull Terrier which jumps and ‘mouths’ people is a receipt for disaster.
They should see it as a wake-up call to train the dog because if that dog ever bites someone it will cost them far, far more than $1088. They might even have to go to prison if it ends very badly for the victim.
You only acted in self-defense and didn’t even intend to harm the dog. You should not pay one cent.
They should pay it all and that they seemingly can’t afford it, makes them even worse dog owners. What if the dog became seriously ill or injured on his own? You always have to expect this can happen.
From whom would they try to get the funds then? Or would they let the dog die in misery?
People should only get dogs if they are willing to train them, especially fighting breeds like a Staffy, and if they can afford medical bills.” opelan
9. AITJ For Using My Husband's Cologne?
“I (35f) bought my husband (37m) of 8 years (14 years together total) an expensive fragrance for Christmas while we were physically separated, I was living in my home country waiting for his visa to be approved and he was living overseas.
he came back this week. he placed the fragrance on his side of the bathroom sink when he unpacked. I took the week off work to welcome him to the country and get him settled in. Before we went out one day to go to a cafe, I sprayed it on myself to see what it was like – I am a fragrance junkie and just enjoy different scents.
I spent a lot of time researching one I thought he might like that was dark with notes of leather, but I didn’t get to smell it before it was sent to him as a gift.
Later in the day, he asked me why I did that and I said because I liked leather notes and wanted to try the smell.
A couple of days later he moved the fragrance to my side of the bathroom sink and I asked about it. he said, ‘Oh no, you go ahead and have it.’ I felt confused. We had a talk and essentially because I used it once he says that he doesn’t want to wear it if I’m going to wear it because that no longer makes it special.
He said he didn’t realize it was something I bought ‘for myself.’
I explained I just wanted to try it and this did not change his stance. Then I apologized for being selfish and ruining the gift and he said it was okay.
He said he wasn’t angry, just that he no longer wanted to use it. It was an expensive bottle and not much has been used. But I said I didn’t want the fragrance because it would just remind me of negative feelings and that if he wasn’t going to keep it then we might as well throw the fragrance away, so then he got up and threw the fragrance away.
His perspective is that I took the gift away from him, whereas mine is that he rejected my gift because I used it once. Am I the jerk for using it? I feel hurt and like he’s punishing me. but I also feel like I shouldn’t have used it and ruined the expensive gift I got him.
I don’t know if I should spend time buying gifts for him in the future or if this is just the worst misunderstanding.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Oh, please… ‘You ruined it with your cooties!’
Sounds to me like your husband never learned how to communicate past a five-year-old’s perspective.
I’m guessing he has a really big problem with sharing ANYTHING.
That was a controlling tantrum, designed to make you feel small and guilty. Don’t let it.
Martyrdom deserves simple acceptance of what they say they want. If he doesn’t want it, so be it.
If he throws it away, so be it. Don’t get excited because that’s where they get emotional validation. If he brings it up, simply respond ‘I’m sorry that I caused you distress by trying out your cologne, but you threw it away.’ And don’t let it go any further.
If he wants more, he can buy it himself, because he can’t be trusted with expensive things, because HE THREW IT AWAY like a spoiled child.” Linara2003
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I kinda understand where you’re both coming from. Is your husband the sentimental type? Because from your story, it seems like he was very sentimental about the cologne because it reminds him of how much you care/thought about him whilst you were physically separated.
It might be that he thought this cologne was really special to him and didn’t want anyone to use it but him.
However, I kind of understand how you’re feeling because he practically made a big deal about nothing and was over dramatic and threw it away.
I think there’s a lot of miscommunication going on about both of your feelings about this cologne/gift. Talk it out.” 030117
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did nothing wrong, you tried a spritz of his cologne for fun.
I don’t know what to say other than that he’s being really weird and kind of mean about this.
You don’t say much in your story about what your relationship is like in general, but just based on what you’ve written this does not sound like the behavior of someone who loves and respects his partner. It sounds like power-trippy bratty nonsense.
Also, you mentioned you apologized to him for using it which I hope you know you did not have to do – this is a really weird thing to be upset with you about and I’m curious what else is underlying this incredibly specific reaction.
You are not in the wrong, and I’d probably not spend as much thought getting gifts in the future for someone who cares so little about your thoughtfulness that they will literally throw it in the trash.” AngryMuscovy
8. WIBTJ If I Move Out Because My Family Is Getting A Pet?
“A couple of years ago my parents got a divorce, and I (19) moved in with the rest of my siblings with my mom as I didn’t want to split up. That was a very big mistake.
I ended up having to take responsibility for the housework and my two younger brothers (6 & 7) and also have two teens younger siblings.
It’s been very hard and I’ve already been on the brink of moving in with my dad because I can’t handle all of this responsibility anymore.
We all came to an agreement that whenever I do move out, I will be taking our dog with me because nobody else probably takes care of him or remembers to feed him.
Our family is also extremely poor so I’m trying to take the financial burden and get him seen about it (we got him before the divorce when we were an upper-middle-class family).
The other day, I get a call and they tell me they are bringing home a random puppy they got free at Walmart which is a really big red flag.
I’m extremely upset because I’ll be expected to completely care for this dog that I openly was against us getting (because we are not at all in a financial situation to get one), and I work 40+ hours at a hospital so the bit of sleep I do get is very important.
The dog is going crazy all night and I spend all night panicking and trying not to cry over all the noise.
I’m raising four kids that are not my own at 19, there isn’t much more I can take of this.
I know it would significantly strain my relationship with my mom and siblings but they’re taking more than I can give.
I told them this is exactly how it would play out and that I can’t keep up with all of this anymore, but they wouldn’t listen.
So, WIBTJ for moving in with my dad over this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Oh, my dear, you need to leave. What has happened to you is called parentification, where you take over as the parent in the family. That makes things comfortable for the rest of the family but is damaging you.
The only way to extricate yourself from this situation, when no one is listening to you, or considering your needs and well-being, is to leave. You are a young person, and deserve to take care of yourself, and chart the course of your own life.” AreYouItchy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You were thrust into a parental role where your mom should have developed support through other adults. You do not have the maturity, skills, or power to fill the role of parent and partner for her, to replace a father in the home.
Divorce is a painful and confusing process for the whole family. It’s natural to flounder about a bit, trying to live through your day-to-day while the family structure is in upheaval. I don’t fault your mom for initially looking to the eldest child to help ride herd on the rest during that state.
I DO fault your mom for settling into leaning so heavily on a single traumatized child to take over parental responsibility, without the resources and autonomy adults have. It could have been a band-aid. It shouldn’t be a lifestyle.
Any time you feel responsible for supervising, managing, and nurturing your siblings, think a moment if it’s your parents’ job to do that for their kids.
Is this familiar because you were indoctrinated to believe it?
If you don’t do it, it won’t get done and that hurts a sibling (fear).
It’s your familial duty to step up in these trying times (obligation).
This is your job. There’s no one else to do it.
If you walk away from it, you’re abandoning your responsibility and hurting your family (guilt).
When you feel pulled to do something you also very much don’t want to do, that’s likely a place you need a boundary to protect your safety, privacy, autonomy, and/or comfort.
You’ve probably been taught to ignore your gut responses, ‘Don’t be selfish’ by prioritizing (or even recognizing) your needs, and be the bigger person, there’s no one else to do it…
Please learn about healthy boundaries. They can build relationships where your needs are supported and respected.
It’s revolutionary.” curious382
Another User Comments:
“You should have moved out the moment she had you raising the kids for her. NTJ. OP, if your mom needs this much help then she should be talking to you and the other two teenagers about stepping up more to take care of the house and things.
However, it is not your place, or the other teenage siblings, to take care of the younger two children. When you leave, the next eldest child is about to be saddled with all the extra responsibility. Don’t worry about this relationship, worry about your own mental and physical health. Take care of yourself and let your father know everything happening in that household.” ConfectionExtra7869
7. AITJ For Making My Teenage Kids Share A Bedroom?
“My husband unexpectedly passed away a few months ago, and I became a single mother to 3 kids. Ages 16M, 14F, and 2F. Due to the significant decrease in income, I was no longer able to continue renting where we were, and all I can afford is a 1 bedroom apartment.
Currently, I am sleeping in the living room with my youngest 2F. I gave the bedroom to my 16M and 14F and asked them to share in the meanwhile. I tried adding a privacy screen in the middle so they feel like they have their own space, but they are telling me that this isn’t acceptable.
Each of my kids used to have their own rooms, so this is a massive change for them.
I have been looking for a better-paying job for months and so far have had no luck. I can’t get a 2nd job because I can’t afford to pay someone to care for my daughter 2F outside of daycare hours.
Neither of my kids 16M and 14F are willing to help, and they say my youngest is not their responsibility.
I know this situation isn’t ideal, but I don’t know what else I can do. For the past month, I’ve not been eating anything for 2 days a week and just telling the kids I’m trying out the fasting trend for weight loss purposes.
But the truth is, I can’t afford to feed us all, and I have been using the food bank. Prior to this, I had never had to use food bank services before, and I am so thankful that it exists. I am both thankful and deeply ashamed at the same time.
Would I be the jerk for telling my teens that they must share the bedroom? Would it be better if I suggested my son sleep in the living room with me and have both my female kids share the bedroom instead?
I do not live in the US but it is not common for teenagers of the opposite gender to share a bedroom.
That is something I do absolutely recognize.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here and I’m sorry for your loss but your teenagers are old enough to be told how dire your situation is right now.
You’re starving yourself and they’re not even willing to help out with babysitting so you can get a job that would pay for a bigger place with separate bedrooms for them.
They need to know! They also need to know that while the whole situation sucks, they have a way to make a better life for all of you possible. It’s two of them, they could share the responsibility while you go and earn the extra funds you all need.” RiverSong_777
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your kids are going to have to understand that this situation is not ideal for any of you and you are all trying to adjust. Teens don’t have all of the insight of an adult, but your kids are old enough to understand what’s going on.
You may have to be completely honest with them about how poor the situation really is (not being able to feed everyone). If they truly want to help change things, they can offer to babysit while you get another job or could even try working a few hours, but, for now, they will have to accept that this is how life is and that you are doing everything you can to just provide for their basic needs.” EverElizabeth
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You’re doing the best you can and trying to improve your situation as well as the situation of your kids.
I do understand where your teenagers are coming from regarding caring for your daughter (although I wish they would help out just out of kindness) and about sharing a room.
Perhaps you should tell your kids that if they want their own separate bedrooms the only way you can afford it is if they help out after daycare hours so that you can work a second job. They can make their choice from there.
Overall just an unfortunate situation all around. I’m sorry that you and your family are going through this and hope the best for you all going forward.” SeattlePassedTheBall
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’ve just lost your husband. Your kids have lost their dad. In all honesty, they are likely upset about the bedroom as that is something safe to complain about right now.
(Yes, sharing a bedroom with a sibling is annoying, but being suddenly close to homeless with insufficient food and losing your dad is a much bigger deal)
First, you need to eat and the older kids need to help out for both of your sakes.
Ask the kids to help find other sources of food/food banks etc… Get them involved and helpful. Go for the free family dinners. Find other things that will give away food. Have them check at their school for resources. The schools often have people who understand what resources are available (Counseling, free food, part-time job).
Praise them and thank them for their help with anything they can find. Don’t feel the tiniest bit ashamed. The resources are there to help people.
Some people will tell you the kids are too young for this, but they already know things are dreadful.
Get them involved in helping and they will feel more in control and more secure. They shouldn’t feel that they need to solve anything, but they should be able to help out. You need to acknowledge to the kids that things are tough right now, but you will get through this, together, as a family.” coffeecoffi
6. AITJ For Not Telling My Sister's Ex Where His Things Are?
“Around 15 years ago my sister’s husband was arrested and ended up spending over 7 years in prison. They separated and divorced while he was in prison. She boxed up the majority of his stuff and stored it in our grandpa’s basement.
I was around 10 years old at the time and knew she did this as I remember helping her. Some of the belongings were expensive, irreplaceable, or sentimental.
When he got out of prison and asked about his belongings she told him she trashed and sold all his stuff.
Her ex is a good family friend and still close with all our family and best friends with one of my brothers. I was close to him as a kid and he remains someone important in my life. He brought up his lost possessions frequently and made comments about certain items.
I never told him where his stuff really was and I think I was the only person other than my sister that knew/remembered. This was in part my way of silently punishing him for screwing over my sister. I never thought much about it or felt bad.
Recently my grandpa found his stuff while organizing his basement. He called him up and told him to come to get it not realizing it had been hidden from him. He was mad to find out he had been lied to for years but also happy to find the majority of his personal items weren’t lost forever.
My sister claims she would have told him about his belongings once he paid back the funds he owed her and suitably made up for making her raise 3 boys on her own for 7+ years.
When I saw him a few days ago I let slip that I had known the truth about where his stuff was.
I didn’t think he’d be that mad at me, he’s normally quite understanding about my brothers and me giving him crap in relation to our sister. He was very angry at me and said lying to him about his stuff crossed a line.
He’s specifically mad because of a few of the sentimental items that he thought he lost and I agree that it was unfair to keep them from him for so long but part of me thinks he deserved it.
A couple of my brothers agree that I was a jerk for keeping this from him.
However, my other siblings think it was my sister’s choice when she decided to tell him where his stuff was. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You couldn’t have possibly comprehended all of the complicated facets of that relationship and just thought you were helping your sister.
His anger is somewhat understandable, he had lost everything, and having those few things could have given him a sense of comfort.
You can’t change what happened, but hopefully, you can move on from it. Don’t beat yourself up, just reflect on what you made yourself feel and act the way you did, and decide for yourself what you think was the right thing to do.
Sometimes people have a different idea of what that is.” psychonastick
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Vindictive retribution is something that jerks do.
And it makes no sense that he’s a bad enough guy that you would actively (but secretively) punish him, yet not a bad enough guy for anyone in your family to cut him off.
This was completely arbitrary and immature.
It’s not even a good punishment because y’all didn’t even tell him his stuff was being held hostage until he met some (again arbitrary) standard of compensation.
So not only are you and your sister jerks, you aren’t even very good at it.” 1568314
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If your sister wasn’t single-handedly paying for wherever they were staying post-arrest, his possessions would have been trashed anyway. He was in jail and not paying rent. Therefore I feel that your sister by maintaining the residence where the items were, became the new owner of the items.
As if she had not, they would have been taken by the landlord as compensation, taken by law enforcement as evidence, or destroyed.
Additionally, I don’t think he was paying child support, or contributing to the family in any way. Therefore I think it’s fair enough for your sister to call his stuff (that he would not have if she hadn’t kept and maintained it) his contribution.” Helpmouseslc
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Easiest first. Ex is a jerk because he broke the law and got sent to prison. He did something which forced him to abandon his family.
Next, your family. This man devastated your sister and ruined their life together, yet you all seem to be in some kind of Fast & Furious budget movie constantly saying that he’s a good guy and he’s ‘family.’ His constant moaning about losing his stuff to your family, despite the harm he caused one of you, is completely lacking consideration and empathy.
Your sister, she’s a justified jerk. She married someone that she thought she could trust, someone the whole family was close to. She thought they’d be together for the rest of their lives and raise a family together and he betrayed her.
It wasn’t right that she hid his things, it was a jerk move to lie, but she didn’t throw them away.
Then, there’s you, OP. You hid the truth from someone you say is a great friend and like family. You could have done almost anything else.
You could have told him that his stuff was still around, it would betray your sister but it would stop you from lying. You could have gone to your sister and told her that you weren’t comfortable hiding it, give her time to make it right on her own. You could even have lied a different way and pointed out the weird boxes in Grandpa’s basement, what are those I wonder? Instead, you did nothing, and now everyone knows the truth of that.” Natural_Garbage7674
5. AITJ For Video Gaming Too Much?
“My (30m) wife (28f) got upset last night because I didn’t come to bed until 1 am, she wanted me to come to bed earlier but I was doing some raiding so I opted to stay in the gaming room and finish what I was doing.
It was the first time in a few days that I’d played games for more than like an hour maybe for 3-4 days.
She texted me later in the night and said that if I didn’t want this to work then don’t waste her time.
I didn’t respond because I didn’t know how to respond. Later the next day, I tried to explain that I just wanted some alone time and she said I get alone time during our kid’s (2.5) naps.
I want to be better but I also want to play my games, I understand her point that I have time while our kid naps but usually during that time I’m busy doing other things like taking a shower, tidying up the house, or running errands.
So in my head, I’m justified in taking 2-3 nights out of the week to myself and doing something I enjoy.
In my head I try to balance out spending time with her and playing games, I usually stay until like 9:30-10 on nights I’m doing raids and I just stay upstairs the other nights.
She told me I’m mean to her because of these actions and how I don’t consider her when doing these things. But while I am playing games still, I am considering her. I’m still spending time with her on the game nights, while I could quit raiding, it’s like a hobby but instead of me going out with friends to a bar or something out of the house, it’s being downstairs and playing a game.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, if she’s not getting equal me time, it’s keeping you from giving 50/50 or there isn’t time prioritized to be an actual couple. Yes, you get to decide how to spend your free time and alone time is important but really consider how much time is spent where and compared to her schedule especially.
If you stay up late does that mean she doesn’t get time with you or help in the morning? Do you start it before the kids are in bed and the chores are done for the night? Do you get loud? Do you do it on a schedule or communicate in advance so she’s not getting disappointed thinking about time with you just for you to disappear for hours?” Aggressive_Earth_322
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you can find justification anywhere for your actions but you’re failing to look at the bigger picture.
Your wife, the mother of your children, the other adult in your family unit – is giving you some pretty strong cues that she’s not happy with the current arrangement. When she says, ‘If you don’t want this to work then don’t waste her time’? That is the voice of a woman who is at the end of her rope.
She’s thinking of parting ways with you. She’s thinking you’re wasting her time. Instead of justifying this – listen to what she is saying. She’s nearly done with you and whatever you are doing or not doing.
So you can justify your actions and carry on.
Sounds like your marriage will end eventually if this is the route you go. Or you can stop, listen and realize that your partner sounds deeply unhappy and unsatisfied and if you want to keep your marriage and your wife – you might want to figure out what is making her so unhappy and figure out a path toward fixing that.” DragonFireLettuce
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You have a toddler, you’re not going to get 2-3 nights a week to yourself. Pick one predictable night per week to play games, and give your wife one night per week to do something for herself while you do all the childcare. If you can, get a babysitter and make one night per week date night. Checking out for several hours two or three nights a week isn’t good for your marriage.” Scrabblement
4. AITJ For Joking About Our Son?
“My wife and I have four boys – 17, 15, 13, and 10. We lost our 15-year-old in an accident last October and grieving has truly been a process. My wife and I have very different styles of grieving. I really like to talk about my son and what happened to him, but she wants to process things by herself and doesn’t want to talk about it.
We still have a very close marriage, we just talk about everything other than our son.
My wife was out with friends today and when she got home a few hours ago, she asked me where the boys were. I told her, ‘(Oldest) is with a friend, (13 years old) is out in the yard, (10 years old) is in the basement, and (15 years old) should be right where we left him.’
Immediately, she said I was messed up for saying that.
I told her that I cope with humor and clearly, she doesn’t. I respect what she does, but she’s got to respect what I do. She called me a ‘pig’ for joking about our son like that and said she was taking the boys out for dinner.
While they were out, she texted me to say that she was really horrified with how ‘callous’ I am about the death of our son, saying she was genuinely concerned I might be a sociopath.
When she got home, she went straight to bed.
I tried to sit with her and she told me not to touch her. Our oldest asked me why their mom was in such a bad mood and when I told him, he laughed at the joke.
I think my wife is being extremely sensitive about this, but I also can understand this might be a time and place situation.
Still, I think ‘place’ should be my own home. AITJ for telling a morbid joke?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, it is a horrible, messed up situation. I agree that both should be allowed to grieve how they need to. If you let off emotions with jokes, it would be great if your wife could allow you that.
But it seems she is not ready to support you in that way. It seems like she needs you to be the strong one that she can lean on for a while longer.
Apologize to her. Keep the jokes out of earshot from her.
She may never be ready for that.
Sounds like your oldest gets you. He may have a similar way of coping. Lean on each other in that way.
It is awful when everyone is hurting. Whose grief takes precedence?
I get it. I use dark humor to cope too.
Sometimes it is really hard to keep it in. I have a friend who gets it, so I hold it in until I see them.
I hope your family finds peace.” sawta2112
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I don’t really like saying that. You did ask though.
I am terribly sorry about your loss. I cannot even imagine the horrible hole that will always be present, and that you and your family will have to learn to move around.
And having been through the sudden loss of a spouse, I would not want to criticize how someone else works through their own grief (as long as their actions aren’t hurting others).
You and your wife have different ways of walking this path, which can be common. It’s also important to realize that this can lead to a breakdown of the marriage though, so you might want to seek counseling together on how to move forward and give each other grace.
That said, you clearly understood that humor is NOT how your wife deals with this kind of grief and you made a joke about the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to a parent, and which also occurred fairly recently.
Just because you are the father/husband, you do not have the right to say something like that to her. You are free to use humor to work through your grief when you are with other people who will not be hurt by it.
Your wife is not one of those people. I would also recommend caution about saying things like this around your sons. You may think they are okay with it, but they may be very uncomfortable and just don’t know how to tell you that.
They may also benefit from bereavement counseling for kids.” indendosha
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your son. It’s important to recognize that grief is a personal and individual process and everyone copes differently.
In terms of the joke you made, while it may be a coping mechanism for you, it’s important to consider how it may affect others, particularly your wife who may have a different way of processing her grief.
Your comment may have been hurtful and insensitive to her, and it’s understandable that she would be upset by it.
It’s important to communicate with your wife and find a way to support each other through this difficult time, even if your coping mechanisms differ.
Perhaps you can find a way to respect each other’s processes without making jokes that may be hurtful to one another.
In terms of whether you’re the jerk, NTJ, but it’s important to be sensitive to the feelings of others, particularly during a time of grieving.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you admit that you have different grieving styles but apparently still think hers is wrong and that she should just suck it up and tolerate your humor.
But why should she do that? To her, you are disrespectful of both the weight of your son’s loss AND of her and her needs. That isn’t her being too sensitive, it’s you being too insensitive. If you cope with humor, fine. But you don’t have to cope that way with her, at her expense. You might as well have slapped her in the face.” TipTopC
3. AITJ For "Ruining" My Son's Birthday?
“My (42M) son (17M) celebrated his birthday a few days ago. I and my ex-wife separated when he was 10. The divorce was messy but now we are on speaking terms for the sake of our son. I met my current wife when my son was 11 and married when he was 13.
When my son was 15 my ex had to go out to Europe because of her job and she has been there since then and would probably return next year because of this he has been living with us full-time. My wife loves my son and I have solid reasons not to believe otherwise.
When we started going out, my son loved her too but it seems that something changed some time ago.
About 8 months before his birthday he started acting up and has been on bad behavior toward both of us but especially towards his stepmom.
He has been putting up the practical mindset and technicality crap excessively. For instance, we set a curfew for 11 pm for him but one day when I was out of town he came home at about 1. My wife informed me at 11 30 that night and we started calling and messaging him.
When he came home at about 1 my wife asked him he said: that she never specified if it was 11 pm or am the next day and that it was none of her business. I was really angry but she let it slide as it was just one instance and told me to calmly ask him if something was bothering him.
I did but got shut down. And on my wife’s birthday, I gave him some funds to get a bouquet for her it was going to be from his side but he just got her a plastic flower I was livid but sucked it up for her party.
I had a chat with him and told him that he needs to apologize and that if he is troubled or needed therapy should tell me but again got shut down and this time he was beyond rude. It is just a few examples but keep in mind that the 1 pm incident happened a week before his birthday and he still hasn’t apologized.
I suspect that it has something to do with his bio mom but can’t exactly put a finger on it. Now comes the birthday and the actual incident. He has been really obedient and behaving but was still cold towards her and trying to avoid her.
The reason is he asked for a brand new car. My ex-wife sent some funds as well to pitch in on the car about 30%. Keeping in mind he still didn’t apologize, I asked him twice in the last week to apologize to his stepmom and once the night before but in some way or other he kept avoiding it and it was clear he won’t apologize.
So I following his practicality got him a ‘new’ car figurine of the car he wanted and sent back the funds his mother had sent.
He threw a fit and all but I still stood by my decision. He then blamed my wife for this(she had no idea as I told her that I’ll go get the car with him on his birthday which I had planned if he apologized for the night before) and then left.
My wife burst into tears and I got my ex calling. She again blamed my wife which got me a feeling that she might have been provoking him but can’t say anything for sure. He hasn’t been home and his mom told me he is at her sister’s.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
There is obviously something going on between your son and wife, and you choose your wife automatically.
A sudden change in a relationship is a huge red flag, yet you don’t force therapy and automatically blame your son.
A forced apology is nothing.
You are ridiculous to expect him to just kowtow to such a request until you actually KNOW what is going on.
You’re blaming your ex without any discussion is pretty trashy.
The biggest YTJ moment is blindsiding your wife, basically throwing her under the bus because you forced this.
By the way… did you just order him to apologize for something he was not sorry for without explaining the potential ramifications? Did he understand that his promised gift was contingent upon an insincere apology? He probably would have buckled for it, because who cares if they have to give lip service in an instance such as this?” Odd-End-1405
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Something happened 8 months ago. You’re making it clear to your son that your wife comes first, so of course he won’t tell you what’s happened. And no, he won’t tell his mother via a video chat either.
Pushing a curfew is pretty standard teenage behavior.
Why are you so determined to get an apology for your wife when you know he has an issue with her? Your pushing this is not helping.
A plastic flower? Yea, it’s childish but what did you expect? He has an issue with your wife, which you were fully aware of; he was never going to buy her nice flowers.
You were deliberately cruel regarding the toy car. No wonder he’s had enough and has left. Blame your ex all you want, but the issues are in your house right now.” happybanana134
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Getting your son a toy car is a sarcastic ‘punishment.’ Who’s the teenager here? Cause you’re acting like one.
Do better. You don’t have to give your kid a car when he’s in crisis. But treating him with disdain and condescending ‘jokes’ like this are cruel and messed up. You’re describing emotional mistreatment. And apparently, you don’t even understand that it’s emotional mistreatment.
In order for that ‘joke’ to work, he would not be in crisis. He would not be aware that his mom gave funds for a real car that you turned away. He would not feel that the toy was a punishment for being upset and moody.
Your son owes your new wife one thing: respect. The rest of their relationship will ebb and flow like any other teen/adult relationship. taking away a HUGE right of passage because he’s being ‘cold?’ Nah, you’re the one being cold.” User
2. WIBTJ If I Make My Two Children Share A Room?
“I have three adopted children (15F, 19M, and 21M). They have an older sister who we consider a member of the family, but who was not raised by us. For simplicity’s sake, I refer to her as my daughter.
My daughter (26F) moved in with us last year because she was worried she was going to get fired, and she said she wanted to save funds, get her phlebotomy certificate, and try to start a new career.
The understanding was that my younger daughter (15F) would share her room and that 26F would stay for a year or less. Anyway, long story short, 26F does not have a history of good decisions, and last year was not any different.
She did get the phlebotomy certificate but has not gotten a job in the field. She actually quit the two jobs she had and currently works at Mcdonald’s and has not saved any funds.
A few months ago 15F started mentioning all the things she wanted to do with her room once 26F moved out and she had it to herself again.
I gently led her to understand that she should not get her hopes up. Unless we were willing as a family to send 26F out onto the streets, there was a snowball’s chance in the sun of 15F getting her room to herself anytime soon.
15F gets this and is understandably frustrated and disappointed. 15F likes her room very tidy. 26F is disorganized & messy. 15F gets up at 4 30 am to have a leisurely morning routine and catch her school bus at 6 15.
26F likes to chat loudly on her phone well past 11 pm. Etc, etc
15F was talking to me a few nights ago about how she is worried that if 26F stays much longer, it will affect their relationship long-term. I told her that Dad and I were half-thinking that we should have 26F share a room with our son 21M (who does not have a job and seems a bit unmotivated by life).
15F said she had the exact same idea and pounced on it. She and 26F currently share the largest bedroom, which has a sink and vanity area attached. The room is very good sized. 21M has the next larger room, and our younger son, 19M, a full-time college student who works full time as well, has the smallest room.
15F said she could trade with 21M so that 26F could stay where she was, and the two of them would have the largest room.
Anyway, of course, the downsides are obvious. 26F and 21M are both adults and prefer to have their privacy and walk around their rooms with little to no clothing on.
But everyone prefers to have their own room and their privacy, and 15F has ‘done her time’. Why should the 15-year-old have to keep sacrificing just because she shares a gender with the sister? Why shouldn’t the two people who are capable of moving out on their own at any time be the ones who are inconvenienced? WIBTJ if I told them they have to do this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Put the two unmotivated oldest kids 26F and 21M in the largest room and put a screen down the middle.
The motivated 19M who is in college keeps his own room. 15F who is motivated and doing well gets her own room.
I understand wanting to support 26F, but having her share a room with a fifteen-year-old was probably pushing it to begin with.
That’s a big age difference especially if you knew she had a history of troubled behavior.
There is zero chance that the news of this room swap is going to go down well with 26F or 21M but that’s okay. Right now they are way too comfortable with their situation given that they are not working, or are underemployed.
But I would be prepared that it may cause conflict within the house and 26F ultimately may not be able to stay anyway.” avocadosdontbite
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like an awful idea (for them) which is why I think you should suggest it.
They’ve got an easy life with you at the moment, time to start showing them that living elsewhere would be preferable.
Your 15-year-old does deserve some space in order to get the grades she needs to succeed in life. At the moment, her unmotivated sister is stopping her from achieving her own goals.
That isn’t fair to her.
Get some sort of screen/divider for the biggest room and move them in. They’ll either manage or be motivated to move out. Win!
NTJ” Holiday_Cat_7284
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but this is not likely to go over well. What about a compromise? You can put up an interior wall to divide the large room; then each of the young adults can have their own small space but your 15-year-old can have a room to herself again.
It doesn’t even have to be a formal wall, that meets building code since it won’t be load-bearing… just two panels of plywood with a bit of sound insulation between them. You and the other members of the family could put that up yourselves if you didn’t want to hire it out.” VoyagerVII
1. AITJ For Not Letting My Mother-In-Law Take My Daughter To The Park?
“I (27f) have been married to my husband for 5 years. We have a 4-year-old daughter. This week my MIL was staying with us and has been spending a lot of time with our 4-year-old. Yesterday our MIL had asked if she could take our daughter to the park today because it was her last day visiting.
We had said yes.
Well, last night my daughter was having a rough day. She refused to clean up her toys and threw a fit when bath time came around. I even pushed bath time back 10 minutes. In the bath, she repeatedly was splashing water outside the tub.
I had asked her many times to stop. She didn’t. I had warned her if she didn’t straighten up she wouldn’t be going with Grandma tomorrow. After the tub, I put her to bed, and she fussed and screamed and was laying on the floor saying she wanted to play.
I told her I was going to go get her a cup of water, and by the time I got back I expected her to be in bed, ready to be tucked in. If not, she’s not going to the park.
Well, I came back and she wasn’t so I told her no more park. Which was also wrong for me to pay.
I broke the news to my MIL and she was angry. She said I was being unreasonable for a 4-year-old, and that I had already told her yes, it was her last day with us.
I stuck my ground and she went to the guest room for most of the night, then later complained to my husband and tried to get him to change my mom. I don’t think I’m the jerk, I gave multiple warnings, and they’ve spent time together this whole week.
I am the parent, and my daughter should know actions have consequences.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Look I get what you were trying to do, and you’re not a jerk for it. But I understand your MIL’s feelings. Your child is 4, this is going to be a very temporary punishment for her that she’ll forget about in a week most likely.
But those moments with her grandmother will likely last forever, even subconsciously. If she’s staying with you, I’m assuming she doesn’t live close enough to just take her another time. Which is why this is really sad.
I think you need to find a way to give your child the opportunity to ‘earn’ it back.
Give her a chance to show that good behavior gets rewarded. Get her to clean her room or something like that. Of course, you shouldn’t do this often. It’s important to stick to your word with kids. But you’re actually punishing your MIL more for her bad behavior then her.
And in the long run, I don’t think that’s very kind of either of them. 4-year-olds are toddlers, older toddlers, but still toddlers. They have no emotional regulation and make bad decisions. But you are an adult, you can recognize when a punishment hurts more than the person intended.
There will be thousands of other times to show actions have consequences. Is this really worth it?” BabyCake2004
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, kids don’t need punishments for their behavior, they need immediate consequences especially if they are as young as your daughter. You don’t want to clean up your toys? OK ill clean them and they’ll go on top of the big dresser/mommy’s room/somewhere unavailable for a day because you didn’t clean them.
Splashing in the bath? OK let’s drain the water and we will clean you with just a shower today because we need a clean baby, not a soaking bathroom. And the tantrum before bed? It sounds like an overtired kid who doesn’t know how to shut up their brain before bed.
That is not her fault and instead of punishment, she needs something to refocus like you start to put to bed her favorite toy or start actively reading a book with her.
The only result of your punishment is that your daughter can’t let out her energy with grandma and will be probably even more cranky because maybe it is her sadness about grandma going home that wrecked your evening.” It_s_just_me
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Yeah, you had already agreed, and then she wouldn’t stop throwing a fit. You told her she wouldn’t get to if she kept it up. To be honest I’m surprised the MIL is expecting you to not stick to it. You’re not being unreasonable Unreasonable is rewarding bad behavior, or teaching a child you make empty threats of punishment.
They’ll learn really quick that you saying they won’t get to do something if they keep acting up, won’t actually mean they won’t.
I’ve been living with the fallout of that exact thing with 3 different kids for the last several years.
They’ve learned they don’t really have to listen to their mom, because she doesn’t follow through with punishment, and she doesn’t try to talk it out either. So unless their dad is around, they basically do what they want no matter what.
That being said, it should be more the park that is the punishment.” Certain-Cut-8800
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The real reason you did this could’ve been summed up by the last sentence ‘I’m the parent, and my daughter should know actions have consequences.’ This was about YOU.
Maybe it was about just power tripping, or feeling threatened by your MIL’s presence, or just some good old-fashioned unresolved childhood trauma of your own – it definitely wasn’t about your 4-year-old though. She’s not going to learn anything valuable from this, but you’re gonna tell yourself you did the right thing in order to fix your unhealed wounded ego.” Efficient_Panic_748
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