People Ask Us To Pick Sides In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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Being called hurtful names is awful. It's sad to think that we are living in a world full of judgmental people who don't care about our feelings. They love it when we're offended, and they're even more delighted when they're feasting on gossip about us with other people. It's hard to live in a community where you don't fit in because people are spreading false stories about you. It's difficult trying to build relationships with people who think you're a jerk just because of a story they heard somewhere. Here are some stories from people who want to know if they deserve to be called jerks. Read on and let us know who you think the real jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

20. AITJ For Not Refunding A Large Tip To A Second Party?

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“I’m a taxi driver. A middle-aged man approached my window and asked if I could take his three companions to a local hotel. They were younger than him and from the way they were talking, sounded like they may have been his employees. When I agreed he asked the price, £3.50 (a very short journey). He handed me a £20 note, asked me to take care of them, and walked away without another word.

I drove them to the hotel, full of glee at my 600% tip.

You may now see where this is going. I pulled up at the hotel, said my goodbyes, and waited for the three to climb out. After a short pause, one of the three asked for the change. Now, I’m quite an agreeable fellow, I’m very polite and do my job well. I would rather be slightly out of pocket to help keep the peace in any other situation, but in my opinion, this was my money, given to me with no further instructions to pass it on to anyone else.

If the paying gentlemen wanted me to give the change to his companions he should have made it clear. When someone gives a person in the service industry a note and then walks away, that’s language for ‘this is your tip’.

Anyway, I told the young man that there was no change, there were no instructions to give the change to him. A ten-minute standoff ensued, during which they tried to phone the paying guy.

I told them that if he said to give them the change I gladly would, but in the end, they couldn’t reach him. All three of them were visibly aghast at the stance I was taking, it culminated with them all at my window, the girl in the group screaming at me to give them the change. No, it was mine, not theirs. They asked for a receipt which I gave them, writing ‘£20 received, with thanks’ (ok, I’m definitely a jerk for that, but I was really wound up by this point).

They left, very angry. I expected to get a call from my office, our number was on the card, but I never heard anything else about it.

As this was all happening I wasn’t completely sure I was in the right, but I felt it was a matter of principle and dug my heels in. It has haunted me slightly ever since. I hope I have explained everything well enough for you to decide if I’m a complete jerk or not, any questions welcomed.”

Another User Comments:

“Here are my thoughts, but bear in mind this is coming from the perspective of someone who doesn’t live in the same tipping culture as you.

I actually think you were the jerk here.

There was a misunderstanding and this was made clear to you when they asked for the change and continued to insist on the change. As you say, it was a very short journey, but you then lengthened it by 10 minutes by standing your ground and arguing with them about the tip.

As you said, this was most likely an employer paying for his employees.

They were most likely panicking at what was going to happen to them in the workplace when they had to tell their employer that there was no change provided, wondering if this situation might get them fired or they might be asked to provide the money out of their own pockets. All because you made an assumption rather than were given an explicit ‘Here, I’ll give you $20 to get them back safe and sound.’

I think it was fine of you to assume that the $20 was intended to be yours.

I don’t think it was fine for you to continue to insist on it when the young people in your taxi made it clear they expected change. You win some, you lose some, in this situation you should have been a graceful loser.” sandra_nz

Another User Comments:

“First off, you are not the jerk. But there is something to consider; The key information here is the relationship between the person paying for the fare and the people getting in the cab.

If a friend of yours would pay for the cab and ask you to get in, you would never assume the amount that your friend paid belonged to you unless specifically instructed to do so and even less so in a party of people, and if you as the driver never received any such instructions then that is their bad. If it would be your parent paying the cab, on the other hand, you would first off have a different relationship to the money and more reason to ‘believe’ that it in essence was yours to claim, but still – without stating it to the person you hand the money to that term is not a part of the agreement you just made.

Could you have been a very nice guy, yes, should you? I wouldn’t. You performed the task you were paid for, and I bet you got them there with excellent service.” _Gwink_

Another User Comments:

“I’ve only ever taken a cab once, but to my memory usually people pay at the destination because that’s when the price is finalized. Even though you gave the price upfront, wouldn’t the man who pays for the cab ride have to give you extra in case something comes up and the ride ends up costing more? I think getting a 600% tip is a little off, to say the least.

I don’t think that was intended as a tip. I mean why would three employees fight so hard for £16.50 unless they felt slighted or their boss was expecting change?

While the businessman should have given clear instructions, I’m going to go against the grain here and say yes. I think you’re a jerk because you decided that your initial conclusion (the extra money is the tip) was correct despite evidence to the contrary.” ArtGoftheHunt

Another User Comments:

“I don’t think you’re the jerk here at all. If he wanted them to get change back, he would have given one of them £20 and had them pay you. He didn’t, though, he paid you £20 to provide a service and walked away. The people you were driving didn’t pay you anything, so there was no change to give them.” bilscuits

8 points (8 votes)
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BigGrandma 1 month ago
Those 3 fought so hard because they're greedy!! I agree that he would have given the money to one of them if he didn't intend the leftover to be a tip. I'd say the guy obviously has money and is very generous with it. That's a wonderful thing
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19. AITJ For Leaving A Startup With Friends For Academic Interests?

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“We started working on the project – a software system – almost two years ago. Yet the release seems a long way, it’ll take at least six more months to make it public. I’m leading the technology, and if I leave, they’ll either have to get someone more expensive to handle the technicals or shut the project down. Shutting down though, I believe, would be in my friends’ favor because the whole affair looks a lot as if it’ll go down the tubes if something isn’t done.

My academic interest though rose after I joined the team, but it was because of other things I was into, not stemming from the project itself. But now, I have reached a point where I just cannot concentrate on the problems of the project anymore, it’s very difficult to keep track of both studies and work; so I just study, even in the office. This looks outright jerkish, but that’s that.

And to make things worse, I cannot deal with the management anymore. With other innumerable things going wrong with startups in general – overall low skill-set, unclear requirements, not enough people, unwilling investors, etc., the situation looks dire, for me at least.

Upfront, this doesn’t look jerkish, but I doubt that because almost all of the technical decisions for the software (the design goals, principles, architecture) came from me, and everything was as ambitious as the project’s vision (which didn’t come from us).

I could hardly be proud of it because I’ve created a mess, something which will take a lot of effort to clean. I’m of a belief that I’m obligated to clean and set things right because I created the whole mess. But now it looks as if I’ll have to give up my research dream. I stayed back for more than one year believing that maybe I’ll set things up and take a leave, but it looks like it’ll never end.

I want to leave at any rate. I can’t stand it anymore! Will I be counted as a jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“It would seem to me that you are not the jerk here. You got pulled into a project, put yourself into it, and at this point have decided that it’s not in your best interest to continue. It also sounds like you haven’t been given the proper tools to even finish the project in the first place, sub-par colleagues, rude management, and so on.

So long as you aren’t leaving suddenly and without telling your team members, you are in the clear. You need to be able to focus on furthering your own education instead of being pulled down by old obligations that haven’t been pushing you forward.” pharmasweaves

Another User Comments:

“It doesn’t sound like your friends own the place. Management is to blame and if your coworker friends can’t see that you deserve to focus on what’s best for you, then they are the jerks.

Your leaving is management’s problem, not your friend’s.

If you want to be nice, state your concerns as high up (boss’ boss) as you can and give them a few weeks’ notice… but once you decide to quit, do not entertain counteroffers that don’t address the root problems.

Startups are notorious for exploiting hard workers, getting sold, and the new company firing the old employees. At least in the USA, the owner knows his real product is to sell the entire company and he doesn’t care about you or the effectiveness of the actual product.

If everyone stayed at an abusive company just because they had friends there, everyone would be burnt out by now.” UndergroundLurker

Another User Comments:

“You aren’t the jerk for wanting to leave. BUT: how you leave will determine if you’re a jerk or not. If you just say, ‘Hey you guys, I’m leaving next week so deal with it,’ you’ll be a jerk. This isn’t a regular job, it’s something you helped create, that your friends are kind of depending on, that you have assumed a huge role in. Tell them as early as possible, help them find a replacement, start handing responsibilities to other people and even train them if you can.” User

5 points (5 votes)
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BigGrandma 1 month ago
You're trying to better yourself, nothing wrong with that
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18. AITJ For Not Agreeing With The Complaints Against Me?

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“I came into work (retail) a few days ago and my front runner (who helps run the customer service desks and tills) asked me if, when we were quiet, we could have a chat. Immediately I began to think that something was the matter.

Skip forward to a couple of hours later and we finally got to the chat. It turned out that another of the customer service team, a girl I’ll call Danijela, had put a complaint in about me about a shift from last week.

You’ll need some background about this bit:

I’d gotten to the end of my shift and Danijela had come down, as her shift was beginning. A customer came over to the desk to collect some ordered items and I found the paperwork in our folders, and gave it to Danijela and asked her if she could deal with it. She made no objection to doing so and so I left, thinking it was all sorted and I could go home and get on with my life.

Apparently, the complaint was that I’d dumped everything on her when she’d only got down there. However, I had a couple of objections:

  • At the time this whole thing happened, Danijela made no attempt to object to what was essentially a polite request. All she had to do was say ‘oh, can you deal with this please?’ If she did, she made no attempt.
  • It took her 5 days to make the complaint.

    Fair enough, I could understand it if she’d taken 1-2 days, or even 3, but after almost a week, my view was, and is, that it can’t have been so important.

  • I’m dealing with someone who is essentially a grown adult, not some kid – Danijela could have come to me, and she knows this, spoken to me, had a conversation like a grown-up and we could have sorted things out like two perfectly reasonable adults.

    I would actually have had more respect for her if she’d done so rather than hiding behind someone else’s skirt. What rubbed me up, even more, was that in between the incident and complaint, Danijela had been on the tills with me and had been perfectly fine with me, as well as having ample opportunity for a private conversation.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“What difference does it make how long it took her to make the complaint? Also, maybe she made the complaint before and it took time for anyone to talk to you about it.

I imagine she took your tone or something in a way you didn’t intend when the incident happened. Could she have talked to you herself? Yeah, she could have. Does she owe you that? Not really. She was uncomfortable for whatever reason and went to your supervisor. That would bother me, too, but she’s not a jerk for doing it. As for your first point, maybe she didn’t want to undermine you in front of a customer.

I don’t think you’re a jerk here, but neither is she. It’s just one of those things that happened. Try to move on.” sparkymonroe

Another User Comments:

“So, there is nothing in your behavior from the information you’ve given that makes you a jerk. You were simply clocking out and handing over the ‘new’ cases to the next person. However, what you do next will be more relevant to if you are a jerk or not.

Let this simmer and spite back and you will be. Confront and try to work this seemingly small mistake out calmly and diplomatically and you won’t. All places I’ve worked at there have always been idiots and jerks that could not care less and that could surely do something like that just out of spite or being a generally dismayed person, but playing their game however good it might feel at the time, won’t help you in the long run.

If she does not want to see reason, at least you’ve shown that you are the greater person.” _Gwink_

Another User Comments:

“She was on the clock, you were going off the clock. Shift change =/= dumping work. Did she expect to rest as soon as she clocked in? You’re not the jerk.

But what we think doesn’t matter. After you presented your side of the story, what was the upshot? Is the complaint a black mark on your record? If not, let it go.” smnytx

4 points (4 votes)
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Pabs 4 weeks ago
Sounds like change of shift transition, unless something in your behavior made her angry, which you don’t indicate.

And yes, I agree that she probably should have said to you later and privately “it kind of aggravated me when you gave me that paperwork to handle the other day”. But lots of people these days have trouble with face to face conversation…too much time spent with their nose in a phone.

If it’s over and fine as far as your bosses are concerned then let it lie and learn a lesson not to trust Danjiela and not to hand off work to her.

If your bosses are looking for a response, I’d probably keep it simple. “It was change of shirt and I was transitioning over to her. I’ll keep in mind not to do it again since it upset her. “
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17. AITJ For Cutting My Sister's Dog's Hair Without Permission?

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“My big sis lost her apartment, so I let her crash at my place last week. The only requirement I had was that she bathes her long-haired Shih-Tzu puppy and gets rid of his fleas. I didn’t want my dog to catch them, because flea tablets are extremely expensive.

After a week of staying with me, she still hadn’t done that. She kept saying ‘I’m too busy with work; I’ll do it tomorrow.’ But when I started seeing fleas jumping around my home, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

So while she was at work, I bathed her dog, cut its fur pretty short, combed the fleas out (there were hundreds), and then gave him a flea tablet recommended by my vet, purchased with my own money. His skin had sores all over from flea bites. I could tell he enjoys the short fur since it’s very hot here.

She was furious when she found out.

She said I had no right to touch her dog’s fur without her consent. I told her she can either be grateful that I groomed her neglected dog, or she can find a new place to stay.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“No, it was one of your conditions that she agreed to and not an unreasonable one. If she’s fine with her dog having fleas and doing nothing about it that’s bad enough, but she shouldn’t be allowed to put your dog at risk when you’re already doing her a huge favor by letting her crash.

And if you did this out of pocket then you’re all the more in the right.” almoore417

Another User Comments:

“Not the jerk. I have a Shih-Tzu also and he’s miserable with long hair in the summer. You did that poor pup a favor. My guy goes to the groomers tomorrow, and I know he is going to love me so much when he gets back.” Beaverfever94

Another User Comments:

“You’re both kind of jerks.

She for not doing what you asked and for letting her poor dog suffer from a bad flea problem for so long. You, not for washing the dog, but for cutting its hair.

If I had to choose the lesser of two jerks, it is you. Plus, the fur will grow back.” User

Another User Comments:

“People seemed to get annoyed about cutting the dog’s hair. But maybe he cut its hair to make it easier to get rid of the fleas. I’m assuming short hair would be a lot easier to see the fleas and also short hair would give them less to cling to. She should have respected your wishes and gotten her dog cleaned up. So she has no real place to complain.” zombies8mybrain

4 points (4 votes)
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TeaLikeTheDrink 4 weeks ago
NTJ at all and thank you for taking care of that poorpup!
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16. AITJ For Cutting Off Contact With A Friend?

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“She and I were very good friends for the last 2 years of high school and about a year post-graduation. We did everything together. However, I have Schizotypal Personality Disorder, which (among other things) makes me read way too far into meaningless events and actions. I’ve been extremely careful to rein in my thought processes and try to deal with my anxiety in a proper and healthy way, but I often don’t know if I’m doing it properly.

A few months after graduation, I start catching her in small lies to avoid me. Things like ‘I’m too busy to go shopping or hang out,’ then I see her where I asked her to go while she was supposed to be busy. She always had an excuse, but ‘I’m going to lie and say I’m busy so I can do what you want to do with a different group of people and not invite you’ never sat well with me.

The final straw was her birthday. For my birthday, a bunch of friends and I went out to dinner and she covered my part of the bill. It was a fun night for all. A few months later, after the whole lying paragraph above was in full swing, her birthday was coming up. I told her I wanted to return the favor and treat her to her favorite restaurant on her birthday along with some friends.

She said she couldn’t do it because she had to work. ‘Oh, it must suck to work on your birthday,’ I thought, so I bought her a gift card to where we were going to go that night, put it in a birthday card, and went to where she worked (she was a cashier, so it would be easy to see her while she was working).

I figured a small gift and a friendly face would make working on your birthday a little less awful. But when I get there, she’s not there. She was never scheduled to work that day. I see on social media the next day that she had, in fact, gone out to dinner. I was, predictably, not invited.

She knew I was upset because she attempted to apologize, but I refused to listen.

It’s been about two years now and I’ve refused to talk to her. She calls or texts me every once in a while, and wishes me happy birthday on social media, and the like, but I’ve completely removed her from my life. Should I have given her a greater benefit of the doubt, or did I do the right thing?”

Another User Comments:

“You’re not the jerk. She did something pretty hurtful, and instead of talking to you about it, went behind your back.

It would have been embarrassing to anyone, but with your condition, I can see how it would have been devastating. You were completely justified.

Here’s the thing though: this person clearly meant a lot to you, you’re still thinking about this years later, and you clearly mean a lot to her, because she keeps reaching out to you. Good friends are hard to come by, and sometimes, you need to choose whether being right or getting what you need is more important.” User

Another User Comments:

“Against popular opinion here, I think you’re the jerk.

Maybe she didn’t want to be as close of a friend as you wanted to. I can imagine you’re a bit socially awkward around her friends, and maybe they don’t like you, and perhaps to save your feelings, she made excuses to not hang out with you, but because of your disorder you sort of hold her to every single thing she says and end up catching her in her lies.

She’s not a jerk, and it sounds like she tried to stay in touch, but you wanted something way more than what she did with your relationship, so you two simply aren’t compatible as friends.” zjbird

Another User Comments:

“No one’s the jerk. People drift apart.

She could’ve done it better, but she wanted to spare your feelings and maybe keep you as a friend-in-doses, you know those people who you like, but can only take so much of before things get weird.

You’re that for her as much as other people are that to you. It’s not a bad thing, it just is.

But whatever, at this point, put it behind you one way or another. Either you can cut her off totally or try to rebuild the friendship slowly, knowing that both of you are imperfect people and that you guys have fun when you’re around each other.” whiskeytango55

3 points (3 votes)
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Nursemelly 3 weeks ago
NTJ. This person isn't a close friend. She wasn't truthful and feels guilty maybe but cut your losses and move on.
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15. AITJ For Calling My Friend A Jerk?

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“It was my birthday dinner. My SO, our two friends, and I caught a cab to the restaurant together and planned to return home together. One friend was staying with me and SO, and the other friend lives in our suburb.

We meet up with all my other guests at the restaurant, and we all proceed to have a great time. One of the friends who came in the cab with us ends up getting wasted and flirting outrageously with another friend.

It comes time to go home. The two friends who are flirting decide to stay out alone together to get ‘one last drink’ together. Wink wink nudge nudge.

I, my SO, and the other friend hail a cab and we get in and head home. This is when our friend in the cab starts having a real go at the friend who decided to stay out. I jump to the friend’s defense because frankly, grown-ups are allowed to do what they want and I thought it was nice that two of my friends were maybe interested in each other.

But cab friend is adamant that we’d been ditched by our friend and that this was terrible etiquette. He said that because we all had a plan to come back in a cab together, then you follow that plan, no matter what. And he would not let it drop. He went on and on and on about it, even after we had arrived home (remember, he’s staying as a guest with me and SO).

By now I am cross as he was ruining what had been an otherwise fun night. I defended the friend who stayed out to the death. I told our friend that he was being a jerk, and I just walked out and went to bed.

AITJ for calling him a jerk, or is there genuinely some sort of etiquette that I have never heard of at play here?”

Another User Comments:

“You are definitely not the jerk.

Your friend is the jerk. Having said that, I think there are better, more charismatic ways of going about this than leaving him with a slightly chilling insult before closing the door for the night.

I honestly think you’d have been better off calling him a jerk when he still had a chance to retort, and maybe being more playful about it rather than trying to make him sleep with the guilt of being on the wrong side of an argument.” zjbird

Another User Comments:

“No, you were golden.

‘Sticking to the plan’ is really important for things like robbing banks or building particle accelerators, not so much for having a fun night out. And making the rest of your night a forum for trash-talking your friend (who just wanted to have fun) when they didn’t have the stones to address that person is total jerkery.

You didn’t even say he was a jerk, you said he was being a jerk.

Happy birthday, you’re not a jerk.” User

3 points (3 votes)
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Gamergirl 4 weeks ago
Nah he's the jerk..probably jealous
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14. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Sister With The Expenses To Save Her Puppy?

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“My (21M) sister (19F) recently bought a puppy that someone was selling in a parking lot. She lives with our older sister and doesn’t have a job, and is in no way responsible enough or capable of caring for this dog. I told her all of this the day she bought him. She couldn’t even afford the first vet visit and had to beg our older sister to cover the bill.

The puppy now has Parvo because she didn’t keep him sheltered, and needs treatment and hospitalization. The estimated cost for all of this is several thousand dollars, which my sister obviously doesn’t have. Hence, she came to me begging to cover the bill and promised to pay me back one day. I told her to ask about payment plans but she says that it needs to be paid upfront.

I don’t just have that kind of money lying around and would have to take it from my savings, which I don’t want to do. She called me sobbing and begging me to give her the funds, and I told her that I’m sorry but I can’t. She continued begging, and when I refused, she screamed at me and told me that I’m heartless and I’m the reason her puppy is not going to make it.

I told her that if she wants to save the puppy, she needs to surrender him to the vet. She absolutely lost it and hung up on me.

AITJ for not giving her the funds, even though I’m technically capable of doing so?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She’s, unfortunately, learning a hard lesson about pets and the ability or inability to care for them. I feel so sorry for the puppy, but it’s not your responsibility.

She needs to learn to never obtain ANY pet unless she can afford to care for its needs entirely, including any unforeseen vet bills.

Don’t give her the funds, OP. The best thing she can do is either surrender the puppy to the vet or borrow funds to euthanize it humanely. Meanwhile, the puppy suffers.

This is why people need to not buy or even take free puppies from someone in a parking lot.

They’re usually sick puppies and the owners are just trying to dump them for free or try to at least earn something from the puppies by selling them cheap, sadly.

Stick to your guns on this, OP. Don’t give in because there will continue to be more costs involved with that puppy and she can’t afford it.. period. Good luck with this one.” OffMyRocker2016

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

That poor pupper.

PARVO is a hideous illness.

It has a 90% survival rate if started early.

Definitely press her to surrender the dog. If it doesn’t look good, or the vet chooses, it may end up being put down. Better than the alternative.

It’s not your fault if the pupper dies, but your sister’s. You don’t buy a puppy unless you have the several hundred upfronts to make sure it gets its shots.

After that, it’s still a lifelong expense for maintenance meds to prevent things like heartworms. When old age hits, BOY, you open your wallet and watch the money sail away.

Dogs are a commitment second only to kids. You don’t bring either into your life unless you are ready for a huge responsibility.” ChinSpin_1986

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This stuff is devastating, but like… it’s a tragic part of being a pet owner.

Sometimes there’s a medical emergency, and you just… don’t have the funds.

Earlier this month I had to rush my beloved sweet kitty to the animal hospital, and when they figured out the problem and explained it to us, we could barely afford the treatment. So when they warned us there was a risk of complications in the surgery and asked if they should resuscitate, I had to agree to DNR, because if there were complications, I just…

couldn’t possibly pay for the extra care needed to save my baby boy’s life. He made it thank god, he’s home and healthy now, but it’s just… yeah.

It’s a hard lesson to learn, but… sometimes there’s just nothing to be done. If she really loves the puppy, she’ll do what’s best for it, even though it hurts. The fact that this whole mess is due to her own negligence is going to make it worse for her, honestly – when I was younger, I had an outdoors cat, who one day was acting a little sick, so we took her to the vet just to be safe.

The vet examined her, and then informed us she wasn’t a little sick, she was in stage 3 antifreeze poisoning, her kidneys were completely destroyed, and she had to be put down immediately to save her from dying slowly and painfully over the next few days. I… don’t have outdoor cats anymore. And I’ve mostly moved past the loss. But it still hurts to know that she would have lived a long and happy life if I hadn’t let her wander outside.” gayjesusprobably

3 points (3 votes)
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TJHall44 1 month ago
NTA at this point its probably too late to save the pup. You'd be throwing money away.
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13. AITJ For Wanting To Talk To My Partner About Plans For The Future During Her Birthday?

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“I have been with my Asian-American partner for 3 years, when we first started going out, I was a terrible student. I have met her mother and her older sister and we are in a long-distance relationship (about 230 miles). I see her 1 or 2 times a month on average. That’s the basics out of the way.

After a year of being together, I asked to meet her dad, but she said no way, not until I had a college degree.

I didn’t think much of it at the time but as we went out I really started working hard to finish and graduate. I am now just under a year from graduating with a degree in Public Relations and I asked her if we could sit down and talk about where each of us is at in school. How she feels about the future possibly sharing an apartment (which makes sense financially), and also me meeting her father.

She got angry and shot me down, saying that she wouldn’t even talk to me about it. I have tried to bring it up a few times but each time she says no or acts like it is some sort of interrogation. I understand why she is worried about her dad but it’s been 3.5 years, he knows I exist, moving in makes financial sense but I’m not set in stone on that, and she won’t even talk to me about school just gives me run about answers.

Am I the jerk for wanting to sit down and start making long-term plans/goals? I’m 24 and am in the starting process of really looking at the long-term of my life. I want to either move forward in this relationship or start to loosen it up so I can enjoy my last year as a college kid. I do love her but I can’t put time into something that isn’t going anywhere anymore.

The catch is this weekend I am going to town to celebrate her birthday which was last week. Is it too jerk-ish to talk to her this weekend about it? To be clear I do want to be with her and she is one of the few people I could see a future with… but I can’t be with her if she won’t communicate or doesn’t have the same long-term goals as me.

Edit: I have decided to lay off meeting the parents as that may be a cultural thing that I just don’t grasp. I’m going to work on communication and if she truly doesn’t want to talk then I will have to start thinking that this relationship isn’t going anywhere.”

Another User Comments:

“You’re not a jerk. You want to plan for the future and she doesn’t, so that means you have to have a long hard talk with yourself.

Can you accept being with the person who has no interest in progressing the relationship, or is it time to move on?” User

Another User Comments:

“Are you not Asian American? This seems very important since you saw fit to mention that your girl is. I normally would not even ask about racial or cultural issues, but it must be significant since you brought it up.

It’s been my experience and observation that Asian parents want their kids to marry Asian people. If she doesn’t want you to meet her dad, well, that’s a red flag right there.” Diarygirl

Another User Comments:

“You’re not the jerk. Far from it.

If she’s that hesitant to do anything after 3.5 years, it really doesn’t say much about where you are in terms of her priorities. It sounds like she views you only for your job/status. Is that what you want?” User

3 points (3 votes)
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12. AITJ For Not Inviting The Girl On Our Team?

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“I do crew (rowing) and we’re a co-ed team so both boys’ and girls’ practices overlap… There is this one girl on the team… We can call her Becky. Now Becky and I have been friends since before each of us joined the team, however, Becky has one flaw, she is a flirtatious person. I know that might not seem so bad but in this case yes, Becky flirts with everyone and I mean everyone on our boy’s team (myself included).

Now Becky claims to actually like me which makes me more uncomfortable with seeing her flirt with others if you catch my drift. Nonetheless, we are somewhat friends.

If we can flashback to spring break real quick Becky throws a party while her parents are out of town and a big one at that. One of which I was informed NOTHING about but hey it’s her party, (she hooked up with 2 guys I heard) she can do what she wants.

And fast forward up to last weekend I decide to have my own little party of about 30 people or so. While I’m going over the guest list I find it in my best interest to not invite Becky. 1. She’s a handful sober, I doubt I can handle a not sober one, and 2. She has problems with other people I invited.

Today, I heard a lot of people telling me Becky texted them asking why I didn’t invite her and that she was really upset.

When I tried to talk to her today she flat out ignored me and blew me off… Like what? That’s rather hypocritical for one I believe, it’s a two-way road, Becky, right?”

Another User Comments:

“You say she is your friend, and it sounds like you went out of your way to consciously not invite her and since we don’t know the full story of why she didn’t invite you since you never asked her, based on the context given (including you saying you invited 15 people on the team in another comment), I’d say you’re the jerk.” zjbird

Another User Comments:

“Not the jerk, flirts always get frustrated when they’re not invited to parties.

She can do what she wants but you don’t have to facilitate what she does.” toms_face

Another User Comments:

“First off, no you’re not the jerk. It’s your party and you aren’t even close with this girl so it’s totally your call who to invite.

Second, does seeing people flirt weird you out, or are you jealous? Are you interested in her or not? This part is a little confusing and your overall motives with this girl kind of sorta matter. If you actually like her and just didn’t want her there, no you’re not a jerk but you should probably do some damage control. If you don’t care about her, then who bloody cares?” DrProbably

2 points (2 votes)
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Gamergirl 4 weeks ago
NTJ. It's your party you can invite who you want. Screw people saying you're a jerk for leaving her out.
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11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Cover A Coworker's Shift?

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“Our story begins during dinner. I get a text from a coworker asking if I can cover their shift tomorrow because they have a job interview. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem but I had plans and it’s my only day off for the week. I text her back saying I’d really rather not do it because I have plans and ask her to try someone else.

After a brief time, she says no one else can do it. I check the roster and discover she has Friday off so I reply to her saying ‘I’ll have to cancel my plans to do this and I’m not very happy about you just assuming I’d do this for you when you’re free the very next day.’

Anytime I’ve had an interview or whatever else I’ve always made sure to schedule it for a day off because my job is my responsibility to take care of, right? I’ve never had an interviewer have a problem with this.

So she texts me back acting like I’m the jerk in this situation. I was pretty confused by this so I ran it past a couple of my other coworkers and they both pretty much said ‘Why didn’t you just do it?’

I mean like… How am I the jerk here?

And just as a little bit of icing on the cake. I’m driving my mother to the airport on Friday morning before work.

It’s gonna take about 3 and a half hours there and back and I’m still showing up for my 9 am start.”

Another User Comments:

“You’re not a jerk for not wanting to cover her shift. That’s what schedules are for, it’s their responsibility, not yours.

However, you are a jerk for how you handled it. If you can cover a shift, say yes. If you have plans and you can’t, say no.

Saying you’d really rather not and to ask everyone else isn’t saying no. It sounds like she did what you asked her to do, then came back because you didn’t actually say no. Then you lashed out at her for assuming you’d do it, which there is no clear indication that she did. You made a passive-aggressive mess out of what should have been a simple ‘No.'” User

Another User Comments:

“Not the jerk.

Is her time more valuable than yours? She could have at least tried to switch shifts with you. I used to be a pushover and take people’s shifts for them all the time and missed out on a lot of fun stuff. Looking back on it I wish I would have just told them to shut up and deal with it. I know I’m a jerk for saying that, but screw it, time is valuable.” Colorado222

Another User Comments:

“I would say you’re not the jerk.

Covering shifts is a favor in my opinion. If you are scheduled to work then you work. The only thing I would say is you shouldn’t have texted her back at all or you should have been firm in your first response: Coworker: ‘Can you cover my shift blah blah…’ You: ‘Sorry but that’s my only day off and I need to get some things done.’

This ends the conversation there. You aren’t being rude or anything just saying you have a life outside of work. Keep in mind that if you cover shifts it’s more likely to get shifts covered in the future!” dnarmasci

2 points (2 votes)
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rbleah 1 month ago
Guess you just can't be nice about this. Next time just say no you can't cover their shift. Then just move on.
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10. AITJ For Not Apologizing To My Dad For What I Said In A Fight?

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“So a few weeks ago, my dad was yelling at my mum for putting too much cabbage on his plate at dinner time. He said something about it not having to do with that specifically but ‘the way he gets treated’. He was mad, like really mad, and kept shouting stuff. I should note at this point my dad has been under a lot of stress with his business failing, and usually he is extremely well mannered and helps out a lot in the house, this case is the only time in my life I’ve seen him this crazy, and I attribute it to the stress.

Anyway, I call him out on this and tell him to ‘shut up’ and to sit down and eat his meal. He quips back that I should ‘mind my own business.’ I stand up for myself and my mum and sister who are being shouted at, then he walks over to me like he wants to start a fight. Again I stand up for myself, and when he gets too close to me I shove him back.

He’s not a threat to me, he’s like 5’7″ and I’m 6’2″, but at this point, my mum separates us and tells us to stop. We continually exchange pleasantries and I call him out about what a jerk he’s being, using colorful language. Well since then he hasn’t said a word to me or my sister for 3 weeks, no eye contact, not one word. It doesn’t phase me, I like to be left alone at home anyhow and I work/study quite a bit.

Last night he finally broke his silence and asked me if we were going to ‘resolve our differences.’ I said sure. He quickly mumbled his apology and I said ‘I accept your apology, I’m ready to move on from it.’ This is the part where I could have apologized, but the thing is, I’m not sorry, not one bit. I said to him, ‘if you act like that again I will have the exact same reaction and I don’t make any apologies for how I reacted to your behavior.’ He looked at me, puffed his breath, and returned his gaze to the TV.

He hasn’t spoken to me since.

Should I apologize even though I don’t mean it or am I being a jerk? I should reiterate, that my dad’s a good hardworking guy, and this whole thing is a result of the stress he’s under from his business, but he’s lost a lot of my respect over the last 3 weeks. I’m willing to move on from this but I don’t want to apologize, because I wouldn’t mean it.”

Another User Comments:

“‘I should note at this point my dad has been under a lot of stress with his business failing, and usually he is extremely well mannered and helps out a lot in the house, this case is the only time in my life I’ve seen him this crazy, and I attribute it to the stress.’

So that doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it does mitigate it somewhat.

It means he’s not a jerk by nature but engaged in a jerk behavior that is not even in character for him.

What’s your excuse? Because telling your father to ‘shut up’ is absolutely jerk behavior. Why do you think it is okay to talk to your father that way?

You sound like you’re still living at home. Do you understand that taking care of YOU is one of the things that contributes to his stress? Worrying about taking care of his family if his business fails? You sound like an extremely self-centered and ungrateful child.

He’s upset at ‘the way he gets treated’. I’m obviously just guessing, but if your go-to move is to tell your dad to shut up, then weeks later not apologize, I guess he gets treated disrespectfully fairly often.

He apologized, and you didn’t. That makes you a jerk twice over.

Grow up. See, I can say that to you because you’re not my father and haven’t worked hard to take care of me my whole life and I don’t owe you anything.

You owe your dad respect and gratitude.

I had AWFUL parents and I didn’t speak to them that way. You acknowledge your dad is a hard-working good guy, but you treat him like that? It’s astounding that you think that is acceptable.

You’re the child. He’s the parent. It’s his house. You don’t give him orders, it doesn’t matter how tall you are.

Now I am not always on the parents’ side.

I read some stories, and I have some experiences with awful parents. In fact, usually, I am on the side of the children who get treated like trash by their parents. So this isn’t some knee-jerk reaction that all children must always be subservient or some stuff like that.

You need to learn respect. Your parents, your landlord, your boss at work, the judge you end up in front of…

get some humility or you are going to have a terrible life.” Reddit User

Another User Comments:

“I know it took a lot for him to come to you and ask to resolve differences. That shows he cares about you and the relationship he has with you. You responded to his initial out of proportion anger and rude language with your own anger and rude language, and for that, you should also apologize.

But if nothing else, apologize because you are family and hopefully you care about the relationship as well.

Here’s some advice from a total stranger that can serve you well: Offer apologies like they grow on trees. It doesn’t make you less of a man. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you a pushover. It shows that you are thinking and caring about how other people feel.

Saying sorry is more often about taking care of feelings and relationships vs. admitting who is wrong and who is right.” shawncoons

Another User Comments:

“Yeah, you are a jerk for not apologizing. It sounds like you can understand his behavior and although it’s not an excuse it is a reason. He is still your father and you should still respect him. It would be one thing to have stopped his bad behavior and moved on but you continued to pick a childish fight with him by calling names? It does sound like you should apologize as well.

Especially as he owned up to his bad behavior and said sorry first. Time to grow up.” User

Another User Comments:

“You were both jerks.

He for getting upset about a minor matter (although you already understood it probably wasn’t that one thing but more an accumulation of stressful circumstances he’s been under lately which means he over-reacted).

You for escalating it by telling him to ‘shut up’. You’re old enough to know that’s not how you de-escalate an angry situation.

He apologized, you didn’t. Therefore, you are the jerk.” sandra_nz

1 points (3 votes)
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TeaLikeTheDrink 4 weeks ago
NTA. You stood up for yourself, your mother, and your sister. That's all that matters. People seem to think that being his son means you have to apologize for putting him in his place.
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9. AITJ For Not Using My Father As My Real Estate Agent?

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“My father has been a real estate agent for about 8 years (his new career after selling his company and retiring). In the past, whenever we spoke, he was always out doing open houses, etc. But he hasn’t seemed very active with it lately. (Granted, I never asked him if he was still actively selling real estate.)

The issue: I recently sold my house. My fiancé and I did not want to use my dad as my real estate agent for various reasons (listed below).

I was uncomfortable telling my dad upfront (again, I have my reasons) so I kind of avoided the whole situation.

We listed the house and sold it within 8 days. My father found out after the fact and called me about it. The conversation went like this:

Dad: ‘You already sold your house?’

Me: ‘Yes, dad. Remember, I mentioned a few months ago that we’d be selling the place?’

Dad: ‘Yeah, I assumed you were going to use me as your agent.

You know what? You’re dead to me!’

Me: ‘What?! Dad, c’mon! We decided to use Juan’s (my fiancé’s) friend who gave us a break on the commission.’

Dad: ‘I already told all my friends that I was going to help my daughter sell her place. You can never count on your family and friends when you need them! I gotta go.’

And he hung up on me. We haven’t spoken in almost two months.

He literally said the words, ‘You’re dead to me.’ I was so hurt! But I refuse to be the one to reach out first since I’m ‘dead’ in his eyes. Plus, I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I feel that what I do with my house and my finances is my business.

I spoke to my younger half-sister about what happened. She couldn’t believe he would say something like that.

She spoke to my dad and he confirmed it. He also confirmed that he was upset about the money (the money he would have made with the commission).

Reasons I didn’t want to use my dad: I used my dad as my agent when I bought my place 7 years ago. He made his full commission off of me, which is fine (I guess). Although, I know if my mother were the agent, she wouldn’t have wanted to earn off of me.

Anyway, my father treated me like I received a family discount instead of as a real client. He wasn’t responsive and I felt like I couldn’t really ask all the questions that I would normally ask another agent. Plus, my father lives 40 miles away and doesn’t really know the neighborhood and area like a local agent would. The agent we ended up using this time around was awesome! The commission was discounted (used Redfin) and he knew his stuff!

A little more background: My parents divorced when I was 4 and I’ve never really been close to my father.

My older brother doesn’t speak to him at all, and before this, I spoke to him rarely (maybe once a month). Granted, I really should have grown some nerve and told my father ahead of time that I wasn’t using him. But I don’t have that type of relationship with him. It’s complicated, to say the least!”

Another User Comments:

“You’re not the jerk. Your father should not be seeing you as someone to earn from, I can’t imagine taking payment from a child of mine in the same scenario.

If anything I would be giving them funds to help set up the new place.

The whole ‘dead to me’ scenario is very childish, and overdramatic as well. Even if he was hurt by not being asked he should have shrugged it off and taken the higher ground. A child-parent relationship is different from regular friends, nothing so slight as this should endanger it. It sounds like it was only a matter of time before something like this happened.

Unfortunately, it looks like you’re the one who is going to have to take the high ground and approach your father if you want the relationship to continue.” Ichit

Another User Comments:

“I’d say you’re kind of a jerk for not talking to him first. It was kind of a slap to the face to sell it without even saying anything. Your reasons make sense, but from his perspective, you chose to trust a friend over him for no reason at all (because it wasn’t explained to him).

He probably feels humiliated as well considering he was telling people that he was going to be your agent.

That said he’s a huge jerk for completely overreacting. I mean sure he should be mad but cutting you out of his life over money? I can’t even wrap my mind around that.” ArtGoftheHunt

Another User Comments:

“I was so ready to call you the jerk, but when I saw that your dad takes a full commission (if that’s completely true) then it’s understandable.

I still think you should have told him ahead of time to avoid this issue, even if it was just a phone call and you just tried to bring it up. It sounds a little like you were insensitive, but the way he overreacted totes puts him in jerk status #1.

Sounds like he is also really desperate for funds. Maybe you could bring over some groceries or something as a peace offering?” zjbird

1 points (3 votes)
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rbleah 1 month ago
He kinda screwed you the first round why would you use him again when you could save some funds with someone else? NTJ
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8. AITJ For Wanting My Teammates To Do Their Jobs Correctly?

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“I have an official position in a home security company. The primary responsibility of my team is to process orders and get the accounts set up with one of the major national home security companies. We all have other tasks, but that’s the main one. The large majority of the time the job is divided into two parts – two of my teammates make sure the orders are correct in our database and one of my teammates and I enter the orders from our database into the national chain’s database.

Last summer, there started being a lot of errors in the accounts in our database. All little things that are supposed to be corrected before the accounts get to me. The problem got worse and worse and one day early last fall, I mentioned it to my two teammates. They said they weren’t aware they were missing things and would be more attentive. Nothing changed. The other person who primarily does what I do hadn’t been so great at catching the mistakes and eventually the errors were reported to our supervisor.

She asked me to keep a list of errors I was seeing and send it to her. I did. She said she would talk to the teammate who was making the most mistakes but didn’t know what else she could do. Nothing changed.

I kept my mouth shut and just continued to fix problems. In April this year, I realized I was fixing problems in over 20% of the accounts I touched.

I was spending so much time re-doing their work that it was taking my focus and energy away from my actual job and my production was suffering.

I struggled to find a way to bring it up without being a jerk or hurting someone’s feelings and when our supervisor mentioned that we would be adding a new team member, I thought I had a safe opening. I emailed my team (not our manager) and said ‘hey, since we’re adding a new person, we might want to tighten up the order processing some, it’s going to be difficult to train the newbie if the account info isn’t right and they’re not going to know to fix those things for you guys, and that’s going to cause problems when the contracts come in with the wrong information.

Here’s a list of the stuff I’ve been fixing this week so you’ll know what to be on the lookout for.’ And I included a long list of the problems I had fixed that week, minus the names of the person responsible for each one. I didn’t want to embarrass anyone, I just wanted us to perform the way I knew we could.

People’s feelings were hurt.

They thought I was saying that they were the worst teammates on the planet and that I was making judgments about them personally. I got the silent treatment, I got emails pointing out that I wasn’t perfect (even though I never asked anyone to be perfect), and I was told that a 20% error rate was the best they could do and that they were too busy to even think about making any changes.

Their defensiveness escalated to a point where I really had to stop being nice and start being bluntly honest about how bad things had been for the last year. That made things worse and after that, I did do some jerkish things like stop socializing with them and only answering work-related questions, leaving at the end of my shift without saying goodbye, etc.

It was so frustrating.

It felt like they were saying that their time was too valuable to be using 3 seconds to double-check their work for errors, but it’s perfectly fine to make me spend my time doing it. They know I will always fix their problems because if I don’t, we both get in trouble. And I’m a team player.

To be effective, we need to work as a team, so eventually, I just said whatever and told them I would adjust my expectations and let it go.

Since then, the problem has progressively gotten worse. I’m now fixing errors in over 30% of the accounts I touch. I don’t know of another data entry job you could do in which an error rate that high would be acceptable.

Their inability to even recognize that there was a problem made me feel like not being a part of that team any longer. When a position in another area of the office opened up, I expressed interest, and the manager of that team was so excited that I had, she didn’t even interview me, she just said the position was mine.

Now my teammates think I am a jerk for leaving the team and making them hire and train two new people to replace me. I would rather stay on the team, but I’ve reiterated my concerns and they still don’t see that there’s a problem or that they can do anything about it. So, I’m taking a job that is going to be horribly boring to get away from them and am hoping to find something outside the company sooner rather than later.

Was I a jerk to want my team to perform at their best? Was I a jerk for bringing up my concerns? Am I a jerk for wanting to be treated fairly? Am I a jerk for abandoning the team? Am I a jerk for hoping a storm rains down on them once I leave and that they’ll finally recognize what I’ve been doing for them for the last year?”

Another User Comments:

“100%, you were a total jerk.

The issue comes in the fact that you didn’t properly notify your team they weren’t meeting expectations, and then suddenly (and very passive-aggressively) dropped it on them that you think they are all terrible employees. Remember, from their point of view, they have been doing their job correctly all this time. They turn in their work and it gets accepted without a hitch: that’s a successful day of work.

When you accept a 20% error rate without ever letting them know that it is unacceptable, you implicitly set the minimum expectation for their job to be a 20% error rate. ‘If I misspell one in five words, the boss is happy; that’s what it means to have basic competency. If I happen to only misspell one in 10 words, well hey, I overperformed today.’ Actually, that’s not quite correct, since they probably didn’t even know that they were making so many mistakes, since you never told them.

The one time you did tell them, they said ‘Really? I didn’t notice mistakes’ and you said ‘You know what, you are right, everything you are doing is great. Keep up the good work.’

When you suddenly tell them all the mistakes they are making, that doesn’t send a message of ‘hey team, I think we need to do a little better.’ That sends a message of ‘don’t worry guys, it’s okay that you are all so terrible at your job, because I’ve been fixing your messes for years.

But, actually, if you could stop being such dummies, that would be great, thanks,’ in a super passive-aggressive tone like the boss from Office Space. I mean, you were the boss from Office Space here. You didn’t snitch them out about forgetting the new cover sheet, you snitched them out about their entire worth as an employee. And, just to look at it from their point of view some more, why would their boss not try to help them learn to fix mistakes in their job for so long? The only possible reason is that the boss thinks they are so utterly incompetent that they are completely incapable of ever learning to do their job right.

That’s the only way those employees could interpret that email from you.

The correct way to handle this would have been to slowly increment your expectations for them back up to an acceptable standard. Only notify them of the biggest mistakes, and continue fixing the rest of it yourself. They already are working at a 20% error rate, maybe for the next two weeks, we can get it down to 18%.

Then, 16% over the next three. If it takes 6 months, well, you dug that hole, so you have to lie in it. If any of them couldn’t keep up with the slowly-raising level of expectation, then they get serious about talking about their need to improve. You re-train your employees to meet the proper standard of quality, and then you don’t let them slip back to what they’d been doing.

Honestly though, at this point, now that you’ve taught them that that level of work is what is expected of them, the only way they can probably get better at their jobs is to get a new manager who will reset the minimum expectation.

In short, are you a jerk for wanting your team to be their best? No. Are you a jerk for passive-aggressively sending out a notice informing them that they are dummies and the only reason they haven’t lost their job is because super-genius/saint you did it all for them? Absolutely.” Cuddles_theBear

Another User Comments:

“You’re not a jerk, but it’s absolutely completely ridiculous that you didn’t just tell the supervisor.

Instead, you ended up joining in on the weird social drama. Still not a jerk, but in the future of your career, you need to understand that that is most of the point of having someone in a higher position. It’s their job to sort out these sorts of issues. It’s not your job to both try and communicate what other people are doing wrong and then join in on their pettiness when they don’t listen.

Having said that, it’s also a little bit of a catch-22 because it might be the main reason you got a new position so easily. Because you do your job without causing problems for the manager.” zjbird

Another User Comments:

“You’re not a jerk, but I also don’t think you went about it in the best way. When you noticed that speaking to your supervisor wasn’t fixing it, you should have first talked to the one who was making the mistakes (unless you have no access to them) before sending the mass e-mail.

The fact that the problems were getting worse instead of better shows that the problem would not have been solved any time soon, so leaving to move to another department was the right choice. If your complaints are not being listened to, then you are no longer a ‘team’ you are a group of individuals.

I am confused as to why they need to train two people to replace you or did you mean the one new person they were already about to train plus one for you?” pharmasweaves

1 points (3 votes)
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BigGrandma 1 month ago
Not at all a jerk. They were what, copying/ filling in information? Something a preschooler could do. And VERY IMPORTANT to get it correct! They're just lazy and don't give a crap, and yes, made your job much more difficult. Such a simple darn task, they need to be replaced
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7. AITJ For Beating The Girl I'm Seeing At Her Own Game?

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“I was going out with this girl last semester, very smart, self-described anti-romantic, radical feminist. So the last two things I wasn’t a big fan of. It was a very stimulating conversation in the beginning but very quickly devolved into massive ideological and political arguments daily.

We talked about commitment. She very quickly proposed an open relationship which I said no but it didn’t matter because it was ‘her body’ and she could do whatever she wanted.

While I don’t totally disagree, I think it’s a horribly trashy attitude especially if you’re considering taking someone seriously ever.

So this opens up a whole new can of worms and we are arguing every day about her right to sleep with other men and not tell me about it. So I finally concede and say doesn’t matter but if she gets involved with someone else she needs to tell me so I can leave because I’m not interested in having that in my relationship.

She agrees.

Another important note about this is that I could never really tell if she had any serious interest in me because she hated romance and gestures. We got into an argument because I got her flowers once.

Some time goes by and a girl I used to know starts talking to me. I figure things aren’t really going smooth with girl 1 so I’ll tell her and maybe end it.

As soon as there is any hint of this becoming romantic I go to tell the girl I’m seeing. She is crushed. She won’t talk to me. She calls me a hypocrite. She’s crying, a couple of days later we break up and it seems fine and I go out with girl number 2.

Originally I thought we broke up because of all the arguments. I never made the connection.

But I come to find out that we broke up because she was upset that I held her to the standard that I didn’t comply with.

But I tell her that argument is nonsense because as soon as the other girl came around I told her just like I expected her to tell me and she fought me tooth and nail about how I ‘threatened to leave if she did’.

I just don’t think that’s fair. She had the right to leave too. And she did.

So I like to think she’s mad because I got a new girl before she could get a new guy.

So am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“You went out with someone you just weren’t romantically compatible with. Both of you wanted something from the other that you weren’t willing to accept. Yeah, it looks like you’re both hypocrites here.

It seems like she was fine with the arrangement until it didn’t work in her favor, and it seems like you hated the arrangement until it worked out for you. Yep. Both jerks.” User

Another User Comments:

“Honestly, it kinda sounds like you were going out with a crazy person. It happens to the best of us, and I’ve been there myself.

Now, correct me if I’m interpreting this incorrectly, but I want to try to define what I think went on here.

It sounds like you were in this really ambiguously defined relationship where no one pledged any commitment. She wants to have an open relationship, which you say no to. Once that option is gone, she talks about how it’s her body and she’ll do what she wants with it to leave her an out if she ever wants to sleep with someone else/stop seeing you, which is fine because there’s no commitment.

When you tell her that you’re seeing someone else, she has a reaction that makes it sound like she wanted to hold you to a committed relationship despite it being clearly stated on her part that she didn’t want that. She then tries to turn it around on you and call you a hypocrite because you initially stated that you wanted a commitment, despite the fact that no commitment was ever made.

If no commitment is made, then she can’t call you a hypocrite for not living up to that nonexistent commitment. She’s purposefully muddying the waters so that she can remain blameless, and all the blame can go to you in her mind.

It’s some crazy, egotistical, manipulative nonsense, and that makes me think that she’s the jerk here. It sounds like you made every effort to define the boundaries of the relationship, and she refused to define anything, and then used that ambiguity against you to defend her own ego when she didn’t get what she wanted.

My vote: You’re not the jerk.” Yohfay

Another User Comments:

“So, while she wanted an open relationship, she ultimately agreed to let you know if there’s another guy, so you can choose to end the relationship. You reconnect with an old friend/acquaintance and want to go out with her, so you tell your girl, but don’t break up with her. Did I read that right? If so, then yes you’re the jerk because that’s completely hypocritical.

Your girl may have avoided relationships because she wanted to be with you and then you turn around and propose an open relationship when you benefit. She may be a crazy witch, but you’re the jerk here.” ArtGoftheHunt

Another User Comments:

“You’re not a jerk, no. But why were you in this relationship? And now that the relationship is over (and has been over for a while now, it seems), why are you still dwelling over it? She’s not a part of your life, you seem confident in how you feel about your actions — why does it matter to you what she thinks, or if you ‘beat her at her own game’?

You need to stop looking for validation/agreement from her because it’s really clear that is never going to happen and was never GOING to happen seemingly from early on.

Your description of your relationship sounds like two people who were pretty much wholly incompatible, almost from the start.

If the relationship is over, then IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT SHE THINKS, or who is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. If you’re seeking a feeling of vindication or validation that you were in the right, you should know that it will never come. The only way to ‘win’, here, is to move on, and know that who was ‘in the right’ is probably not a black and white answer, and even if it were, it doesn’t matter anyway.” ShadowMe2

1 points (1 votes)
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BigGrandma 1 month ago
Not a jerk, she was NOT the right girl for you. Hope you've found someone that you're very happy with
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6. AITJ For Not Attending My Cousin's Wedding?

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“I come from a very large, blended family. I have more cousins than I can count, and as a result, unfortunately, many of us generally close in age have formed ‘cliques’ in a way. It’s not that I dislike my family, just that I have a whole lot of it and there are only so many hours in the week.

So around July last year, my cousin tells me at a gathering she’s getting married, and that she isn’t sure if she will be able to invite everyone, because like I said before, huge family.

I tell her just let me know and congratulations.

Fast forward to a couple of months ago and I get my invitation. I notified her that I wouldn’t be attending. Now I won’t be going because of the following:

  • I work a lot. Like, as in 6 days a week, usually 55-60 hours at the least. I work the day of her wedding and it’s a long hike from work.
  • I wasn’t given a guest +1 for the event, despite the fact that my partner and I have been seeing each other as long as she’s been seeing this guy.

    (Not that she moved fast or anything.)

  • My previously mentioned partner works in the airline industry and I haven’t seen her in about 10 days. She’ll be flying back in on the evening of the wedding (which again she wasn’t invited to.)
  • She and I have never been particularly close. We’re friends on social media and all but I don’t even have her number. She’s from one of the other ‘cliques,’ I suppose.

    When she notified me I wouldn’t be receiving a guest for the reception, she did so via social media message.

  • Her mom, who is my aunt, and I have a lot of bad blood. Long story I won’t get into here.

So as soon as my mom and dad find out about the whole ordeal of me not going I’m a jerk and this is the reason we cousins aren’t close, and blah blah blah.

I’m not going, either way, I just wanted some input.”

Another User Comments:

“Not a jerk. People don’t attend events they don’t really want to go to, it’s just part of life. That’s why you received an ‘invitation’ not a subpoena. Obliging someone is the jerk move. Weddings are fun events and forcing someone to be there that does not want to be there is not conducive to fun.

Now, if you were the groom and decided not to show up that would be a different story. Your mom’s opinion would be overly sentimental on this one. Now if you really want to go but are looking for reasons not to, then you are selling yourself short and passing up on a good time.” deadkactus

Another User Comments:

“You’re not the jerk, but here is where you went wrong:

‘So around July last year, my cousin tells me at a gathering she’s getting married, and that she isn’t sure if she will be able to invite everyone, because like I said before, huge family.

I tell her just let me know and congratulations.’

It seems like at the point she told you about it, you had an inkling that you might not be able to go. Since your cousin is in this position of telling you that she’s having a wedding and can’t invite a lot of people, that is your prime opportunity to say something like ‘Cuz, I love ya, but I work 6 days a week and my partner is rarely home, so don’t feel pressured to give me an invite.’

Again, you’re not the jerk, but there is always room for improvement in hindsight.” zjbird

Another User Comments:

“Nope, not a jerk, but I would recommend stopping by the wedding if you could. You don’t have to close the place down but I’m sure you could spend some time there. Them not giving you a +1 is kind of messed up unless you’re a kid, but most kids don’t work 55-hour weeks.” MrDub72off

1 points (1 votes)
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Pabs 4 weeks ago
NTJ. As someone said above, it’s an invitation, not a subpoena.

Where you made your mistake is when she told you about the wedding. The proper response was “no worries. I understand that you can’t invite me. I’ll probably be travelling with my partner anyway. Best Wishes!”
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5. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out?

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“I live in a small town in the South with my mother. I absolutely despise it. Too many racists, homophobes, and other jerks, not to mention it’s very hot and full of bible thumpers. I’m planning on moving to New York, which my mom thinks is a terrible idea. She says that the weather up there is terrible (not as terrible as it is where I live, SO FREAKING HOT) and some other things to try to convince me to stay, including that I’m ‘ditching’ her.

But the best (or worst) of all was when I told her that I was bored here and wanted some big-city excitement. Am I the jerk for wanting to move?”

Another User Comments:

“No, you’re not a jerk. You just don’t have a lot of perspectives. NYC has millions of jerks, and I guarantee there are ten times more homophobes and racists than where you are. It’s a really hard place to live, and if you’re from a small town in the south it’s going to feel really overwhelming.

Just getting by is a struggle, and unless you’re loaded, just feeding and housing yourself is going to be your focus for the first year you’re there. If you’ve made up your mind, you’ve made up your mind, but why don’t you go spend a week or two there to see what’s up before you go for broke?” User

Another User Comments:

“Is it just you and your mom in the house? No dad or siblings? You’re definitely not a jerk for wanting to move, but if you’re leaving your mom by herself I can understand why she’s upset.

It sounds like you must have a good relationship because, among the reasons you want to leave, your mom is not one of them.

You really should not move to NYC from a small southern town. Maybe take a smaller step and move out to a bigger town, see if you like it. There are jerks everywhere, and moving is not going to change that. It will just be different kinds of jerks.” Diarygirl

Another User Comments:

“You’re not a jerk for wanting to move.

Your mom is not a jerk for being scared and wanting you to stay, either.

I lived in NYC for a few years and found it difficult. I now live near Houston and like it much better – all the cultural and digital pluses of a huge city but without the expense and weirdness of NYC.

Honestly, there are better urban centers to move to than NYC – more affordable, less harsh. I strongly suggest a road-trip fact-finding mission before you pick up and move anywhere. Check out Philly, Pittsburgh, and Boston, check out the bigger southern cities (Houston! But also Atlanta, Charleston?), or go west and look at Denver or Portland.

Plus NYC is hot and really humid in the summer, and the winter snow is DISGUSTING.” smnytx

1 points (1 votes)
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Morning 2 weeks ago
Move to NYC! Don't listen to the naysayers. Maybe it will end up not being for you, but you will never know if you don't try. And if you do not, you will always wonder. Worst case scenario, you don't like it and you move somewhere else. Life is to short to make your decisions based on other people's fears.
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4. WIBTJ If I Cancel My Daughter's Trip Because I Will Be Away?

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“I have always promised my daughter that after her final exam results (in the UK, kids are on their last week), she can finally travel alone and take a holiday with her friends before uni. My daughter and her friends have been planning it for a while, and I and the other girls’ parents are funding the trip and are all excited for them to finally travel on their own.

They have planned it to be a week-long.

But I have just found out that my sister will be having her first child (my nephew!) and has invited me to spend the week with her, her partner, and the baby. And it’s the same week my daughter would be away. And I desperately want to be with my sister and spend time with the newborn, but it would mean traveling across the country for a week.

Where my sister lives is further into the countryside and often has dodgy reception, so chances are I wouldn’t be receiving many calls there. I feel pretty uncomfortable with my daughter being away when I’m not home, because what if she had an emergency and needed me to come get her? I probably wouldn’t get her calls, and if I did I wouldn’t be in the right position to plan something for her.

Obviously, the ideal situation was for me to be at home, so I could be easily accessible to her.

Will I be a huge jerk if I withdraw my daughter from the trip? She has been looking forward to it for years, but my nephew will only be a newborn once and my daughter has her whole life to travel. WIBTJ? I’m very stressed out about this, but am pretty sure of my decision to withdraw her.

Just want to make sure I won’t hurt her.

Post edit: I’m still uncomfortable not being home when she’s away, so I think I’ll just visit my sister another time – like someone said, my nephew, isn’t going anywhere. I WAS putting him over my daughter.”

Another User Comments:

“In my opinion, YWBTJ.

I completely understand you want to be with your sister and her newborn, but your child has to take priority.

As you’ve said, they’ve been planning it for a while and they’re traveling on their own, there’s no real reason for you to cancel it given that you don’t need to be present. You might have bad reception, but you can organize with your daughter who she can call in an emergency.

If there was an emergency at home, you still wouldn’t be reachable. Stay home, and visit the newborn another week, I’m sure your sister will happily reschedule and the long holidays are only a stone’s throw away.

I live in a bad reception area in England. The trick? Wi-Fi and WhatsApp. It’s really not that difficult to ensure you can get a call even when traditional signal options are dicey.

It sounds like this would hurt your daughter.” SeekingBeskar

Another User Comments:

“YWBTJ

Babies come early, babies come late, unless this is a scheduled C section you don’t know IF that week will be the same.

Your phone may be unreliable, if the reception is so bad out there your sister may have a landline phone that your daughter could contact you on.

Your daughter will be with a group, each person having parents that could be contacted in case of emergency. Use the buddy system, and pick a parent to take an emergency call in case you cannot be contacted.

YOU ARE GOING TO HURT HER IF YOU PULL HER OUT OF THE TRIP.” HCIBSW

Another User Comments:

“Unfortunately YWBTJ. Don’t cancel her trip. It will be devastating to her. Just make other arrangements so both can happen.

Surely there is a family friend (or someone) and one of the other girl’s moms who would be willing to aid if your daughter gets in a bind. (She more than likely won’t). Talk to her about it. She may be able to help with a solution.

Just tell her you are worried you won’t be available if she needs you and set up a safety net or backup plan with her before she goes.

That way you know and have peace of mind that if she’s in trouble you both know the plan. Additionally, you could get an emergency satellite phone IDK if they have them in the UK but I don’t see why they wouldn’t? Essentially it’s a cellphone for emergencies that sends signals through satellites instead of cell towers. They can be pricey but maybe worth it to you for that worst-case scenario. But realistically it’s a very very slim chance anything will go wrong IMO. I think having another person be an emergency contact is a reasonable solution.” thats-madness

-2 points (4 votes)
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Calter94 1 month ago
You would absolutely be the jerk. Do you hear yourself? For real?
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3. AITJ For Oversharing My Relationship Issues With Our Friends?

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“Two-year relationship, issues were small but they piled up and drained the life out of us. She introduced me to her friends and two of the group became my closest and most trusted friends. Whenever something happened between my ex and me, I would explain the scenario to them doing my best to tell her side of the story but they always sided with me.

With time I shared it with others from the group who trusted me.

After a while, my partner started feeling like they were talking badly about her behind her back so she distanced herself. In truth, we never mocked her, though they did conclude I was better off without her. They could see how it stressed, depressed, and hurt me, and though they still appreciated her as a friend, they understood that she wasn’t feeling well with me either.

I always told them that no matter what they knew they should still treat her as kindly as always and they agreed.

I tried breaking up with my partner after a big problem, she didn’t feel okay with the breakup so we stayed together. A couple of months after that she broke up with me, which I agreed to. She said she had stopped loving me, that I caused her anxiety, didn’t respect her and didn’t make her happy.

She asked the group to support us and not let this separate the group, they said they wouldn’t pick sides and would be friendly as always. She said later that we should get back together, I thought it over with two of our friends and they said I shouldn’t. She nearly got me beat at a party which was the breaking point. I got insulted/threatened in ways that took my will to live, but after talking it with her she said she wanted to be with me.

I told her I was miserable within the relationship for many reasons, but she said that it would all be solved if only I respected her.

I got back with her in secret because our friends would probably get super angry at me. Recently I held hands with her and our friends took me aside and talked me out of being close to her since we aren’t anything anymore and I shouldn’t get her hopes up.

My high school friends said her action hinted at her keeping me around as a backup partner and that she may be two-timing me either with one-night stands or a lover. I feel I’ll never be able to trust her again. She noticed I didn’t want our friends to see us be affectionate and got upset that I’m embarrassed to be with her in front of them.

She’s saying she’ll leave the group since half of them hate her, that it’s way too low to go and talk trash about your partner and let others do so (there’s a phrase that says ‘you’re not talking trash about someone if all you do is list their actions’). But when a friend laughed about her, I shut him down. I deeply regret cornering ourselves this way, I want to leave entirely and never talk to them again so she can go back to being their friend but all they do is support me.

I guess this is my problem, taking my issues to others all the time to know if I’m in the right.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ she sounds very manipulative from what you say. I see other people saying you shouldn’t have shared your business with the friend group but if you were their friend too, and they decided on their own accord to side with you, you should listen to them.

The fact is they were her friend first. They know what kind of person she is. They see you end up going out with her and eventually tell you she’s bad for you and everything. You should listen to them. There’s a reason they’ve decided to tell you this and I seriously doubt it’s because of anything you’ve done.” P3nguLGOG

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You’ve been horrible to her.

You immaturely told her friends about every fight you two had. And you obviously skewed your telling to make yourself seem in the right every time. You then secretly got back together with her. Grow a spine.

You have isolated her from her friend group and emotionally abused and disrespected her. This is abhorrent behavior. Please end your contact with ALL these people. Take some time to yourself to reflect on your actions.” parishilton2

Another User Comments:

“NTJ honestly sounds like she’s trying to cut you off from people that support you by staying away from her, this is not a healthy relationship broken up or not.

If everyone around you is telling you she’s bad for you why wouldn’t she try to get you to cut off your support system? Also if her friends didn’t want you to ask for their help or advice they would’ve said something.” Malachai-XIX

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You should have found outsiders to discuss issues you were having. Instead, you did talk about her, whether you shaded her in a bad light we can’t say, but you took her friends from her. Next time keep your relationship issues to yourself or a therapist, or I don’t know communicate with your partner… stop airing your dirty laundry to mutual friends or the public. That’s only self-serving and creates drama.” PuzzleheadedTap4484

-2 points (2 votes)
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BigGrandma 1 month ago
Oh come on, we all share such stuff with friends. And they did know her first, they've probably seen lots of her crap.
And Paris Jr obviously didn't read the whole story because it DOES say that op tried to tell her side of things as well as their own
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2. AITJ For Not Buying My Partner Another Birthday Gift?

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“I’m 25F and I have been with my partner for over 3 years. His birthday was last week. He and I are not into the same music so we don’t go to many shows together but when we have gone together it has been very fun.

My partner loves bands. I don’t really know how else to put it. He listens to a lot of rock music from these bands I’ve never heard of.

Imagine Dragons are coming to our city this summer. I know who they are and I know they’re a band so I figured this would be an awesome present for my partner. I got us the tickets and was very excited.

My excitement was short-lived, it turned into sadness very soon. Here is a summary of how the gift exchange went down:

I bought him some other smaller things but put the ticket confirmation in an envelope with the card I made for him.

He opens the envelope and I’m met with a ‘uhhhhhh.. what?’

I explained to him that they were coming to town and I thought it would be a lot of fun to go together and that I want to get more into the music he likes. Then he responds ‘this is not the music I like.. just because a band has instruments doesn’t mean it’s what I like.’

I am getting very sad at this point.

I asked him if he really wouldn’t have fun. He says: ‘honestly you should just try to get your money back, I don’t want to go to this.’

I say okay as I am literally holding back tears. He then says that I could try to resell the tickets. He goes on his phone and googles concerts in the area around that date, and says we could go to one of these shows instead.

I snapped at him. I said I really tried to do something I thought he’d like. And that it’s extremely hurtful the way he responded.

He says, ‘We have been going out for 3 years, how did you not know that I don’t like that music? I wouldn’t get you tickets to the Travis Scott concert for your birthday because I am well aware you hate rap.

You should have known I wouldn’t like this.’

At that point, I actually started crying. I just said I wanted to do something together and he didn’t have to be so mean. He tried to walk back everything he said and he was like we can go I’m sure it would be fun. I told him no. I know how he really feels.

He is now upset saying that it’s basically like I got him nothing for his birthday since I won’t resell the tickets to get different tickets and that I won’t suck it up and go with him after he made it very clear how he feels.

AITJ?

Update: I spoke to my partner and apologized. I’ve learned that I was acting selfishly. My gift showed him that I know nothing about his taste in music, and more than likely that’s why he got upset. I am going to sell the tickets, and he apologized for hurting my feelings. He said that we can find another show and he will split the price of the tickets with me.

(Which I can probably make another AITJ about if I would be the jerk to accept that offer or insist that I pay for both tickets.)”

Another User Comments:

“I think a little bit of YTJ.

I know you meant well, but I hate the ‘It’s the thought that counts’ mentality. I had an ex once buy me a book for my birthday because I like to read. It was something I was completely uninterested in, but we had only been together a few months.

You admit that he knows a lot more about music and bands than you do, but you completely rejected his ‘I’m not into this, let’s do something else instead.’ My husband loves good scotch and I think it all smells like paint thinner. I wouldn’t get him a bottle of scotch without his input or at least input from a friend of his…and I would respect ‘I don’t like this type.'” Usrname52

Another User Comments:

“I’m gonna have to say YTJ.

You’ve been going out for three years and know that bands and music are very important to him… but you can’t even be bothered to pay attention to which bands? Or check if he likes a certain band before you buy tickets? It feels like the kind of gift a distant elderly relative would buy him because she heard he likes ‘bands’, not a gift from his partner who ought to know him better than anyone.

While his response wasn’t gracious, I don’t blame him for being frustrated when he got a gift that showed him clearly you don’t pay very close attention to what’s important to him.

My husband likes video games and I don’t, but I’ve asked him plenty of questions over the years about what he likes about them, which type he likes, etc. If I bought him a completely random video game for his birthday because ‘you like video games’, I’m sure he’d be upset and confused at the lack of thought and care that went into the gift.

As they say, it’s the thought that counts… and you didn’t think very hard about this at all.” Temporary_Badger

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

Honestly, I’m on his side with this. If this was the first year of going out, sure. You’re still getting to know one another. Plus, it sounds like he was trying to be nice until you got defensive.

After three years, you should know his taste in music.

Instead, you just seemed to pick a band name you recognized, bought tickets for it, and expected him to be excited. He wasn’t. He was disappointed and tried to be gentle with you about a solution. Sell them, and find another option.

When you snapped, he snapped, freely showing his disappointment in all its glory. He was honest with you, then got more honest when you became a jerk about it.

You couldn’t handle the honesty of how little thought you really put into this, and started to cry until you made him feel like this was his fault.

It sounds like you are being incredibly manipulative. Something tells me that if he got you a big present that was about something you never showed the slightest amount of interest in, you’d be disappointed too.

It seemed like he tried really hard to be nice about the letdown, and offered up a solution, and you got mean about it.

You say it was a thoughtful gift, but it doesn’t sound like you put much thought into it, and instead just picked a name out of a hat.” Oliviarose85

-2 points (4 votes)
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elel 2 weeks ago
Have you like... ever met your boyfriend? Why would you buy tickets for a random band unless you knew he liked them? This story makes no sense.
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1. AITJ For Abandoning My Friends To Help My Brother?

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“I (19M) don’t have much family. My parents have been out of the picture since me and my brother, R (17M) was little, and we have been separated since we were young (around 10 years ago). Since then, I’ve been desperately looking for him.

In the meantime, I started a band with a couple of close friends (S, M20; T, M21; A, M16; and K, M15). Yes, this sounds ridiculous, but music has always been a solace for me, and this band has really helped me through some very dark times.

Although we started it for fun, our band got pretty popular in our area, and we started becoming recognized as we went out and about. Each of us had a persona we portrayed, and in this case, I was the songwriter and supposed center that held the group together. I guess that was true; I had a close relationship with all of our members, especially K.

We often made music together, not for the band, but just for us. I guess he saw me as a role model. But being with these people made me the happiest I had been in years. They were the best friends I ever had, and I like to think they saw me the same way.

Of course, I can’t have anything good in life, it seems. When we were at our ‘peak’, after so much searching, I found a lead that led me to my brother.

What I saw was horrifying. He was in a foster home, but he was being horribly mistreated. He couldn’t even remember me.

After finding this out, I knew I had to do everything in my power to help him. This meant abandoning the band and leaving my friends behind. I left them completely, literally running away the moment I heard the news. I haven’t told them why I was gone.

I know it was for the best, but I have this crushing feeling of guilt. AITJ for just disappearing from my bandmates’ and best friends’ (and even family’s…?) lives without a single word?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Not for leaving to help your brother but for treating your bandmates like garbage and not letting them know. You supposedly found happiness with them and this is how you treat them? You should be ashamed.

They would understand under the circumstances, but you just leaving them high and dry with no explanation makes YTJ. They deserve better. If this is what you will teach your brother, I feel sorry for him.” DeepFudge9235

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

It would have been easy for you to communicate why you were leaving; you didn’t even have to do it in person or by phone–you could have texted or emailed.

You left people you supposedly cared about to wonder if you were alive or dead, or whether they just didn’t matter enough to you to deserve an explanation or a goodbye.

It doesn’t matter whether you took off for a good reason; it was crummy to just… disappear.” nappingthedream

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Not for helping your brother. But you had people that cared about you and depended on you. Abandoning them without a word of explanation is a jerk move, no matter how noble your motivation. Contact them and let them know why you ghosted them.” RedditDK2

-4 points (4 votes)
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kipa 4 weeks ago
Ytj. They are the people closest to you and you didn't even tell them why you ran off. I don't blame you for running to help your brother, but you know what? Your friends would probably have bent over backwards to help you to help him. But you never even gave them the chance. Total jerk move dude!
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