People Hope We Pick Their Side In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
25. AITJ For Accidentally Only Wearing A Towel In Front Of My Friend's Partner?
“A group of my friends decided to go to a resort in Florida this past week (Sun – Sun), which I was part of. Two girls didn’t have enough money for a flight and one decided to back out while the other decided to drive down.
I offered to help her out with the drive and we left Saturday night. The other girls made it to the resort before us and arranged who would room with whom.
What my friend and I didn’t know was that our other friend, P, decided to take her partner, A, since we were down a girl. Once we arrived, we were surprised when we saw him but didn’t care.
When I went to my room, I noticed that I was to be roommates with P and texted the group chat questioning them. P said that A wanted a room by himself and therefore, she would be rooming with me.
I said okay and told them I was going to shower before heading downstairs and meeting with them. I locked my front door and then proceeded to shower, when I came out to change, I heard the door open and thought it was P.
(The towel was wrapped around me. Nothing was revealed, only legs and shoulder.) However, I heard A shout an apology and leave, so I quickly changed and went downstairs to meet with the girls.
P screamed at me, saying ‘how dare you. You were practically without clothes in front of A. Is this why you questioned the rooms, you wanted to be with him?’ I told her to lower her tone around me, and that she knew that I was going to shower and still gave A a key to enter OUR room.
A told her the same thing and told her to stop overreacting, that he was getting tired of her nonsense. P kept quiet for the rest of the day and went to sleep in A’s room.
The other girls said nothing but later told me that they wanted to laugh because she made a fool of herself. I told them that they shouldn’t laugh at her because she may be dealing with something BUT it was kind of funny.
We finished the week great and for me, it was ancient history, however, P’s sister came to my place and tried to defend her sister. I think she wanted a reason to fight me again, I don’t know though.
So, AITJ?
EDIT: Some of the comments made me question why A was in the room in the first place, so I have asked and am waiting for a response. A had mysophobia or germaphobia, so I assumed that is the reason he didn’t want to room with P but I did ask.
My relationship with A is non-existent, I know we have some stuff in common but I haven’t spoken to him to consider him a friend or anything. P defines her relationship with A as her first, ‘real’ relationship so I think he may be a bit more intense and insecure, she’s a great kid and has a unique personality.
EDIT II: I got a response from the girls. According to the girls, who asked A why he didn’t room with P, he said that P tends to be messy, and to not ruin the spirit of the trip, he asked to room alone or with someone who is relatively clean.
P told him that there were other men going and he was surprised when he was the only man there. Also admitted that P gave him a key to her room, just in case anything happens and he accepted it with no hesitation.
She texted him to go to her room for a surprise and lo and behold, I was the surprise. He told her what happened because he got upset that she sent him to the room and saw me in that state.
She claimed to not know and was upset with me for not letting her know. He still doesn’t know what the surprise was supposed to be. A, also, admitted that he wanted to have a more close relationship with me because of shared interests, and that annoyed her even more.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – All that really happened here is that someone walked into your hotel room without your knowledge or permission while you were in the shower, everything else is just set dressing.
When we look at it that way, it’s something you had literally no power over and therefore can’t have been the jerk.” ian9921
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are kind to acknowledge that P may be dealing with her own stuff.
You are extra NTJ because you had every right to be furious at her for giving A the key to a room where she knew you had an expectation of privacy and were showering.
If P keeps this up, you may want to set some boundaries and build some distance.” gingerslap
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like your ‘friend’ set you and her partner up to be in this position. Was this to test if you two would report back to her? This friendship and relationship do not sound healthy. She has severe jealousy and self-esteem issues.” Thart85
24. AITJ For Telling My Mom She Can't Live With Us?
“I (28f), have been helping my mom (46f who is disabled) since I graduated high school. I go out of my way to make sure she has whatever she needs or wants if I can.
She’s my best friend.
I moved in with my fiance and his brother after I had my son, who is now a year old, and I found her a camper to move into so she had her own place and I could still help her while she continues to go through her declining health.
We now have the opportunity to get my childhood home, which is so much smaller than the house we live in now. I was showing her around and she said she could live in the biggest room.
I told her there is going to be barely enough room for us as it is, and she got mad at me, said I was rude and didn’t want her here, along with a lot of other hurtful things.
Now she says she wants nothing else to do with me and I’m at a loss for what to do. Am I the jerk here?
Update: the camper needs repairs, and I said she could stay in the house until it got fixed or we found her another one, but that was before I saw how small it was.
She has also said she does not want to live in the house with us because she wants her own place, and made it sound like she was moving in for good, not just staying for a little bit.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mother, since she is disabled, needs a care plan that is not dependent on you.
What happens if you get hit by the Hypothetical Bus tomorrow? She needs to be enrolled in government programs that provide home aides, or, if necessary, in some sort of assisted living.
I’ve worked in group homes and as an aide to disabled people my entire life. I’m turning 50 next year. Trust me. 20 years from now, when you’re 48 and she’s 66, being her sole caretaker is going to be physically much, much more difficult.
See if you can get her a Medicaid coordinator, through an agency, who can help your family find the help you’ll need for the long term.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who is best of friends with my mom, your relationship is one-sided.
Please hear me out: If she truly thinks of you in the same way she would have been so happy that you had a new home, made a comment on decorating the master suite for you and your SO, what colors are you going to paint, do you have a theme that you want to go, what are SO’s favorite colors and do they mesh well with yours.
She would have wanted to know what she could do to help and would have been so happy for YOU.
Your Mom did none of those, so while you may see her as your best friend, I’m afraid my dear that she sees you as her daughter/caretaker.
Moms who are your best friend as adults don’t behave the way that yours did. I’m so very sorry she has spoiled something that should be a happy time for you and yours.” Spiritual_Dig3709
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
By a long shot.
OP, this is so sad. Your post history and this situation show how depressed you are. No wonder! You’ve said you have no support. And look at all you’ve got going on.
A baby and a big move. Major life changes that are stressful enough by themselves. But add in what sounds like relationship issues and a demanding mother who’s always leaned heavily on you, things must feel exhausting and overwhelming.
You not only deserve to put yourself first, you have to! You need your energy to live your life and take care of your baby. Therapy is a great tool for support because it will help you see your worth, set needed boundaries, and enforce them.
There are also many online resources, too, with people in similar places. Like forums for new mothers, caretakers for the disabled, and even ones for adult children with difficult parents. They share a lot of tips and resources.
And they listen.
Please don’t let anyone guilt or bully you – especially your mother. Offer only what is reasonably within your ability to give. And feel good about that! You are and have been very generous.
If she’s unhappy about anything you offer (and you are not obligated to do anything), she’s an adult and can figure her life out for herself. Hurting you is abusive and unacceptable. That’s not being a loving parent or a friend. So disengage for your own mental health. Guilt-free.
You deserve a happy home filled with love.” Admirable_Tie_303
23. AITJ For Not Wanting To Relax My Hair?
“I (17 F) am mixed race in a white Irish/Russian family. (My mom is Russian and my stepdad is Irish, with both of my siblings being Irish/Russian. My bio dad is unknown but presumably of black heritage due to my physical features.) I have an afro and my mam has been trying to ‘relax’ it ever since I was a young child despite me always refusing.
She never learned how to properly take care of my type of hair since she’s always so obsessed with relaxing it and buying relaxers that, most times end up damaging my hair and causing really bad breakage.
Cut to the present time now, we have lovely neighbors who have the same hair type as me but they have theirs relaxed, which got my mam’s attention to which she started asking them about what relaxers they used.
I come home from school one day, seeing my mother bought the same relaxers they use. (which are really expensive and have been ordered from a completely different country.) I question my mam and she states that she will relax my hair no matter what I say.
This caused me to blow up as my mother would never buy me products that I’ve asked her to get to help my afro be healthy. She also tells me that she’s letting my little sister (with straight long hair) use the conditioner I use for my 4a curls which, again, annoyed me because I had to verbally fight with her for months, to even help pay for a part of my hair care and get that conditioner in the first place.
That’s the part where I also could be the jerk as I could easily share my products, despite these products only working for me, while my sister has other hair care she can use that won’t mess up her hair.
A part of my anger could also point to the fact that she never bothered to care or look after my hair and then told me it was my fault that I couldn’t take care of it, then dolling up my same little sister’s hair and spending ages brushing and styling it.
It’s not like it was a matter that she was too afraid to reach out or touch it, as black women approached my mam when I was a young child on the street saying that they could teach my mam how to take care of it or offering to style it.
I have never expressed wanting to get my hair relaxed, I’ve always wanted a cool afro which eventually gets destroyed because my mother tried using a relaxer either too soon after a wash day or just a bad one.
My mother and stepdad often tell me that ‘I should do something different with my hair, maybe I’ll like it’ and proceed to burn my scalp with the style they had in mind, and not what I wanted.
I want to know if I have the right to be mad and refuse or am I just spoiled? Basically, AITJ for constantly refusing to relax my hair and being upset that my parents don’t bother listening?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are approaching 18 so now is the time to make things happen for yourself.
The first thing is to get a job so you can pay for your own hair care products. Also with YouTube and Google, you should be able to learn how to manage your type of hair.
Maybe you should show your Mom what you’d like. You could show her what can happen when someone uses home relaxers wrong and the damage they do. There is A LOT on the internet about relaxers and what they really are and the damage they can cause.
Have her read and watch some of this stuff to show her that ‘white’ hair is not ‘good’ and that what she is doing is denying a part of who you are.
Mind you I have had relaxers since I was 12 because of my 4c hair being so thick and hard to manage. I go back and forth now (since about age 30) with relaxing then big chopping and going natural.
Depends on my mood. But no one should force this on you.” KAT_GRL_WNDR
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m sorry your mom hasn’t supported you with your hair. Not only is it your hair and your choice of what to do with it, but you deserve to have her celebrate your hair.
To take you shopping and help you learn how to care for it.” Reddplannet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a black woman, I and most black women I know don’t and haven’t used relaxers in ages.
They’re bad for your hair. If you want straight hair, there are healthy ways to achieve it. If you want to keep your curl, there are tons of products that encourage growth, shine, and health.” Thart85
22. AITJ For Trying To Manipulate People Using Cookies?
“So, I’ve (18F) worked as a server in a super prestigious nursing home for about half a year now and I can tell you that it’s obvious why some of the residents are put here.
I’m not talking about the people with Alzheimer’s or dementia, I’m talking about the residents who are super nasty and rude.
Here we make cookies from scratch and they’re incredibly good. The residents go crazy over them, but the serving size of cookies for each resident is two.
Sometimes, though, if they ask nicely I’ll slip a third into the little paper packet.
Well, there’s this one resident in particular who’s really rude. Not just to me but to all of the servers.
She’ll demand her food right away, kick others out of their seat so she can sit there, insult you, give you rude looks, call you mean nicknames, you name it. One day I gave her three cookies because I was feeling generous and she went through a whole meal without one nasty comment.
The next day she was nice again, and so I once again gave her three cookies instead of two. I realized I could use this to my advantage… could I possibly reshape her behavior with cookies, or is it just a coincidence? Every time she was nasty to me or another staff member, she received two cookies.
Every time she was nice, I gave her three. She has begun to get better, I think. Or maybe I’ve just tricked myself into thinking that. Either way, I feel like I’m reshaping her into being nicer.
I’ve begun to test this theory out on other residents and I really do think it’s working.
This is a genius idea, I thought. So I told a coworker and she told me that it’s cruel to try to modify their behavior.
That treating them like dogs (not my intention but I see where she’s coming from) is dehumanizing. Now I feel kind of bad, but also, it’s definitely made work a lot more bearable now that I’m not berated constantly.
So, AITJ for trying to train the residents in my facility with cookies?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
People do this all the time. It’s a simple social rule: ‘If you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice to you’.
Friends do favors for each other. People do random acts of kindness. You’re not demeaning anyone or behaving unethically. You’re acting with kindness. It just so happens that you’re teaching this resident a conditioned response to gain compliance while you’re working.
Ask your coworker what they do when patients are miserable. Do they withhold service? Act domineering or coercive? They can’t appreciate what it’s like as a patient. Engaging with a pleasant nurse a few times per day allows a patient an escape from the routine and discomfort of institutional life.
You just do it with cookies. As long as nobody’s diabetic, you’re gold.” bolshoich
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. you didn’t get consent to modify their behavior. You do this to dogs and children.
If you said hey I’m going to try to make you less of a jerk by using operant conditioning to change how you treat me and they said yes then go for it.
You cannot do things to people without consent and that includes using physiological principles to change people! They are adults and they get to choose how they act and what psychology is used on them.
Actual scientists get consent before doing these techniques. Because you can’t change someone’s behavior without consent. This is a gross breach of trust, and if you don’t like how they treat you talk to your boss or quit.
Don’t manipulate adults into acting how you want. Using the same techniques you could manipulate them into doing anything, who are you to decide how they should act? They have every right to be a jerk, to be clear they obviously should treat you better but it’s not up to you to trick them into doing so.” 17695
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Healthcare worker here.
Speaking from experience, patients are human. They aren’t children, they aren’t animals, and they have their own quirks that you, as a worker, have to learn to manage in a way that isn’t unhealthy for either party INCLUDING the OTHER patients.
If your patient responds positively to extra cookies and it does not have any detrimental effects on their health, then go for it. It’s just the same as playing certain music for a patient or making sure they have that extra pillow because they’re uncomfortable otherwise or even doing that little bit extra chore that’s not necessarily your job or out of their capacity to do themselves but it makes them feel valued.
Some patients are going to be miserable jerks, some are going to be sweet as sin, and some are going to be frustratingly confused and frightened and most likely lash out.
If you are the jerk whisperer bearing extra cookies, then go for it. You’ve just managed a connection with a hard-to-care-for patient and made their and other patients’ experience in a care facility more pleasant.” Sassafrass_And_Brass
21. AITJ For Talking About My Best Friend Behind Her Back?
“So my best friend (Kat) and I are on a road trip with a group of friends from college. One of the girls on the trip (Jane) is also Kat’s best friend – I’m friends with Jane and have my own relationship with her but we’re not as close as she and Kat.
A few hours ago I sensed that Kat was angry at me so I asked her about it and we had a conversation about what was wrong. She felt bad about some stuff that happened today involving the entire group (Jane included) but most of her anger was directed at me because we’ve been having some communication issues recently that were triggered during this trip.
I feel like the specifics of our conflict are not directly relevant, but basically, it’s been an ongoing subject of discussion for months now and has been a great source of stress for me.
After the conversation, she left, and I felt extremely overwhelmed because, after months of conversations about similar disagreements, I didn’t know what more I could do or say to make it better.
It felt like anything I did, no matter how innocuous, was construed the wrong way.
This is where I’m probably the jerk – I went to Jane’s room and told her about why Kat was upset and asked her what I should do.
I honestly wasn’t trying to gossip, I just felt at a loss and I process through talking. I could have talked to another girl who I’m closer to, but I felt like I should get Jane’s advice since she knows Kat the best and I was hoping she’d have some insight into the situation.
It was stupid and impulsive and I instantly regretted it, but I felt so desperate for advice and I thought she would be the best person to give it to. A few minutes later, Kat messages me and asks me not to share our conversation with anyone else on the trip.
I feel terrible and I’m going to tell her I told Jane, but before I do, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – As long as you weren’t like ‘OMG Kat is the biggest witch, she smells like fish, that’s why no one likes her…
etc, etc, etc’, I consider that gossiping. There are lots of random people expressing themselves here because as humans we can’t keep things pent up and need to get outside perspectives, your friends could have had a more biased view because they know you better.
Did Jane tell Kat you came and talked to her about this?
Learn this now – People change and grow, you and Kat may have outgrown each other and that is okay.
In life, you are not going to get along with everyone you meet and that is okay. In the end, you are by yourself, and make sure you are treating yourself right by surrounding people that help you grow into a better person.
Ask Kat if there is a specific example you can learn from in order to correct any future issues. If she can’t give specifics it seems like she just has a problem with you, pull up your big girl pants and move on.
If she can give a specific incident, listen to what she has to say, say ‘I understand doing X upsets you, I will be making sure to put effort into not doing X when we are hanging out’.
Just be kind and even if she is a total witch about the situation and nothing you say or do won’t make a difference, just walk away. Apologize and walk away.
If Kat is mad about something that has happened outside of this trip, this is not the place or time to address that issue.” Boredkitty420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
On a group trip, everyone should communicate and assume the best intentions.
If there is friction and you think someone’s advice can help then you should seek it out.
Be open and upfront with your friends and you can have peace of mind k owing that you tried.
Good luck.” teemskeep
20. AITJ For Refusing To Renew My Contract?
“I (29F) live in a city where it is extremely hard to find an affordable long-term place to live. This is why I decided to rent a room (limited contract, quite overpriced) from a flat-sharing agency and kept renewing my contract as I had pretty cool flatmates in general and the place is nice.
However, a few months ago a couple arrived: let’s call them Carlos (29M) and Vanessa (28F). It was advertised to me that I would only share the flat (which is quite small, it doesn’t even have a living room) with one person, so I was a bit annoyed but I figured it would be alright so I just went with it.
Carlos/Vanessa’s contract and mine (these are separate contracts) come to an end at the end of the month so about a month ago when the agency asked if we wanted to renew, I said no, as I was lucky to find a flat to move in with my partner.
Carlos told me that the agency would only renew their contract if I renewed mine as well so I said ‘sorry, but I am leaving for sure’ and it has been really uncomfortable with them ever since.
Here is the part where I might be the jerk. By not renewing, they will be in a very difficult position. He has a very low income and she has none (paperwork issues).
They got extremely lucky that this agency took their application, I guess. As I said, it is quite hard to get a place here and it will be almost impossible for a low-income couple, both who don’t speak this country’s language, and who won’t have all the required documents in place, to find a room, let alone a flat.
I understand it is unfair that they haven’t had the same opportunities (job-wise) that I have had, but I also do not feel that they are putting in their effort. They have barely looked for places (I suggested trying to look on social media but he refuses to open one), they haven’t applied for financial help, they haven’t sorted out their documents and he hasn’t tried to learn the language or look for a better job in the 9 months he has been here.
As I said, from the moment I said I would not be renewing the contract things have been very tense in the house, there are comments about how unfair things are, and they complain about the tiniest mess that I might leave in the kitchen (even though I barely use it, they occupy it most of the time and always leave it dirty) and how they still haven’t found anything and they don’t know what they are going to do.
Heck, when I told him my partner’s father passed away and it would be a mess with the deceased father’s rental contract, the first thing he asked was if they could take the apartment…
I kinda want to help them but I kinda not, and definitely don’t think it is fair that they are making me feel guilty about wanting to leave this situation which I hate.
So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they’re not your problem and they sound like trashy people for suddenly treating you badly when you’re just living your life. Also, I wonder, is there a possibility one of them is staying there illegally? It’s a common practice for people who can’t afford to pay utilities for two people to move their partner in without the agency knowing, hence why they told you there’s only one person moving in.
They’re possibly worried that the next person will find out when they already got away with it with you. I don’t see why else it would be a problem that you’re leaving, the renting agency should be able to only replace you and let them stay once you leave.” tinka-bx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
From what I am gathering they are not family nor a close friend, you do not owe them anything if they wanted to better themselves they would be looking into resources to do so.
They obviously want to be handed everything so just tell them you have made your decision and your mind won’t change.” Creative_Crab_8621
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, renting anywhere right now is a nightmare and unfortunately it’s a situation where it has to be you gotta take care of yourself before you can worry about anyone else.
It’s okay to feel bad but it’s NOT okay to be victimized by them. It’s a harsh renting situation and no matter where they go they will adapt to that.” Boring_Option739
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Involved In A Religion?
“My mother (40F) has been starting to go back to church recently, and I (18F) am very happy for her since she’s had a rocky few months. So my mother has been taking me and my siblings to church, keep in mind I’m not a religious person, but I also respect others’ religion, and I only ever go to church to make her happy and to be there for her.
Recently my mother signed me and my brother up for this church retreat that would last 2 days, I agreed that I would go to appease her, but she’s been trying to make me go to church every single time they would host a service.
I feel as though this is her way of pushing me into her beliefs when I’ve made it abundantly clear that I am only going to church to be by her side since she likes going.
She’s mentioned in the past that she likes following a religion but she doesn’t like people controlling her beliefs, and I feel as though she’s doing the exact same thing to me that she claims she hates other people doing to her.
This morning she told me that I have to go to church today, tomorrow, and Sunday. I told her yesterday that I have plans on Friday and she said that’s completely fine, but this morning she told me I HAVE to cancel my plans and go to church with her.
I put my foot down and told her I’m not going to cancel my plans to accommodate her, she got upset and called me inconsiderate. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Religious beliefs are personal (in my opinion).
Forcing your views on someone else is never going to end well or create a healthy relationship. Added to that, as an 18yo, you are about to go out on your own (guessing) and you can choose what to believe and how to practice that belief.
While I don’t know that she is a jerk, she is 100% wrong.” Snickerdoodle2021
Another User Comments:
“Stop going to church and church-related events to appease her. You do not have to do as she says.
Stop giving your power away to her. NTJ. She is manipulating you and disrespecting your boundaries and pushing religion onto you that you don’t want. Stop trying to appease her this way as you are harming yourself and teaching her to disregard your boundaries and your own beliefs.
She’s gone full religious zealot and is forcing you into a religion that you don’t want and manipulating you into thinking you are in the wrong for not appeasing her.” pink4pink
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mother is overstepping your personal boundaries by trying to force you to go to multiple church services. Honestly, I go to church, and can only stand one short church service a week, let alone 3 days in a row. Keep on letting her know that you respect her choice for herself, but you’ll make your own choices for yourself.” AffectionateMine2220
18. WIBTJ If I Don't Tell My Family About My Pregnancy?
“My (31F) husband (41M) and I are expecting our second baby, 8 weeks along as I type this. It was a complete surprise as we weren’t planning on having a 2nd but we are beyond excited.
The reason I don’t want to tell my family is because of what happened with my first pregnancy. We told them at 12 weeks and asked them not to say anything but they didn’t listen, which I was mad about.
Then, however, we had a loss at 14 weeks and I was devastated. In the following weeks, as I tried to heal, my family just got beyond hard to deal with.
My mother berated me that I didn’t think about her feelings during my loss and constantly cried/screamed at me on the phone or if I had to visit. Then she started pressuring me and my husband to try again.
My stepmother was a complete mess so every time I saw her, I had to comfort her. It was really hard on me.
When we did get pregnant with my daughter, I caved to pressure and told them at 8 weeks.
Which made me an anxious mess for the entire pregnancy.
I know I can’t hide it forever but I don’t see them all that often. My mother doesn’t visit because I won’t allow her to bring her 3 greyhounds over (I have 2 elderly, 18 and 16, dogs that would be stressed out) and my father and stepmother are just too busy.
So WIBTJ if I hide my pregnancy for as long as possible?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do not tell them until you can’t hide it. Their past behavior has given you all the information you need.
They are self-centered, selfish, unsupportive, demanding, lacking compassion, immature, and too narcissistic to get any information on your pregnancy. Trust the knowledge you have about them as they are incapable of giving you the support and kindness you need.” pink4pink
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s your pregnancy. You don’t have to live your life to please your parents, you live it to make your own decisions about what direction you want to go in. It can be respectful to them, but they don’t have this right that your mother appears to think she has, to dictate and manipulate you to live out her expectations.” AffectionateMine2220
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They sound like the worst group of support people in the history of family.
How your stepmother was able to get you to comfort her during YOUR loss, astounds me.
Tell them a week after the baby is born. You deserve a pregnancy that is fun and full of belly bump pictures, feeling baby kicking, and laughing about cravings instead of constant stress because the grandparents don’t know how to be people with a soul.” Snickerdoodle2021
17. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Partner For Giving Me Lice?
“I (19F) and my partner (20F) have been together for a year and a half and there’s always been a bit of an issue about hygiene. She is very depressed, so I understand and she still makes an effort when we get to meet.
But her family is disgusting. Her little sister (13F) has had lice for over 3 YEARS and her mom lets her take care of that herself but she’s 13 and doesn’t care and doesn’t do it properly.
So, she keeps her lice and her mom makes her wear a beanie to hide them.
My partner doesn’t live with them anymore but anytime she goes back to her hometown she brings lice back.
Lice treatment is expensive and she’s pretty broke and doesn’t treat her hair because it’s going to fall out (she loses hair a lot like really badly and is very insecure about it).
I understand but at the same time, I find it really disgusting.
The other day I woke up with my scalp itching so bad, mind you, it was 4 am. I took a comb and there was so.
many. lice. I wanted to cry, I still had a bit of treatment left since my hair isn’t too long and I did it, at 4 am, crying because of how disgusting this was.
The next morning I got mad at her because I thought she would have done the treatment since the last time she went to visit her family. She didn’t, did not tell me, and now my scalp itches so much.
I thought it was gone but today I noticed I still had some. Lice treatment is expensive, I’m not rich and in the last 6 months, I spent 100 euros on bottles of lice treatment.
It’s midnight right now so I can’t do anything and I have to go to work with lice and then go to the pharmacy and it’s so disgusting.
So yeah, I yelled at her over text for making me spend a lot on it because…
basic hygiene yknow. She’s not sorry and says that she’s suffering from her family’s hygiene too but I don’t know why she just won’t do a treatment like even once. I saw her once this month because of how depressed she was and that was enough to give me so many lice.
I got really mad and now she wants to pay me back, I don’t want her money I just want her to take care of herself so that we can spend time together again without me catching lice!
AITJ here? I feel like I am for being mad at something so small but it impacts me a lot and she doesn’t seem to understand it.
UPDATE: She ended up breaking up with me because of how toxic she was to me (true), I feel very dumb for staying with her for so long when so many things gave me the ick, including what I describe here (stronger than ick for that though, pure disgust).
Also, took me a week but my hair and apartment are completely lice-free and clean, I have such thick hair that it brought me to tears many times I thought I wouldn’t ever get over it on my own (had no one to help here).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – parents are failing to provide medical treatment to their daughter.
That is neglect!
Your partner is old enough to know she’s going into a lice-infected home. She needs to take precautions there and when she leaves so she doesn’t spread it.
A cheap way to get rid of lice is lemon dish soap.
Coat the hair, wrap it in saran wrap, and let sit for an hour before washing it out. This will suffocate any live bugs. For the eggs, once hair is dry, run a curling iron or straightening iron through small sections of hair.
This is to burn any eggs remaining. You still have to do all the bedding and clothing. Source: worked in a group home in which kids going on home visits would often return with lice.” lost-cannuck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is so disrespectful of her. Her parents need to have child protection services called on them. I can’t imagine how badly that child is suffering. My daughter got lice once and it was a nightmare.
If she isn’t willing to take the steps needed to stay lice-free and then doesn’t tell you about the exposure then she is not the girl for you!” kavk27
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s definitely not a small thing when it affects your health in this way. At this point, I’d say something along the lines of ‘either this is something you fix for yourself, or I cannot continue seeing you.’ Because even if you care about someone, your health is more important and shouldn’t be sacrificed.” User
16. AITJ For Seeking Help Alone?
“Three weeks ago I (19F) went to my general practitioner and asked for mental health support. After consults and loads of questionnaires, I was given anti-depressants. I just took my first one two hours ago.
I’m also reviving cognitive behavioral therapy and am on a National Health Service self-help course. I’m trying to dig myself out of the depressive pit I’ve been in for years and whilst I am scared of getting better, I am hopeful that I might.
I did all of this, only telling my parents.
I told my friend (19F) and she seemed hurt. She asked why I would do this without telling her. Why would I rather numb myself than feel? I don’t understand what she meant by that.
She continued for ages asking me how I could betray her trust like that. She said that we were supposed to be in this together. Asked what we would talk about now.
She then listed all the negatives of me getting help. That the meds would numb me, that they wouldn’t fix me. She asked what I would do if I lost all the important parts of myself.
To be honest I was scared that I would lose what made me, me. I’ve kinda come to peace with the fact that if I do lose anything it probably wasn’t worth keeping.
She told me that if I continued with this I couldn’t be her friend because I would no longer understand her struggle. That hurt.
Now all of this may sound dramatic… She’s an actor.
But she’s got me genuinely worried. Should I have told her? Am I the jerk for not waiting for her to be ready so we could both seek help together? Have I messed up and lost my only friend?”
Another User Comments:
“She is not your friend.
She is literally trying to manipulate you into staying unwell and unhappy so she can control you. You’re not responsible for her recovery, and it’s abusive of her to try and hinder yours.
NTJ. As someone who’s been there, it can and does get better. You deserve friends who like you because of who you are, and don’t consider depression a personality trait or defining characteristic.
I hope your friend gets help too. Mental health is an explanation, but not an excuse for poor behavior.” theflyingprius
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your ‘friend’ is.
A real friend would be supportive that you are seeking help.
I will say that I deal with anxiety and depression and there is NO WAY you are numbing yourself and are going to stop feeling emotions. I say this as a 50+-year-old woman who had my first depressive episode in my 20s and I’ve sought help in managing this at various times throughout my life.
It is not a betrayal of friendship for you to take antidepressants, no more than it would be a betrayal if you had a heart issue and took medication to regulate and treat it.
What is a betrayal is telling someone that their mental health should take a backseat because of what she believes? She is putting her dogmatic thinking (and factually incorrect). This is not a friend, OP, this is someone looking to control you.
Be very careful what you decide to share with them in the future.
By the way, the only people who ever actively gave me a hard time for taking medication were an old friend who was extremely judgmental of any modern medicine and my ex-husband.
Neither had my best interest at heart or have any part in my life. Real friends help you find comfort and support those efforts, even if it’s only ‘it’s great that it’s working for you’.
Real friends would rather not see each other suffer.
‘She told me that if I continued with this I couldn’t be her friend because I would no longer understand her struggle. That hurt.’ OP, she’s being manipulative and undermining you.
Her struggle isn’t that special. She can embrace being depressed all she wants, but she doesn’t get to drag you down with her. I’ve had depressive episodes for too long to have any delusions that it makes me a more sensitive, sentient, better creature.” User
Another User Comments:
“She’s such a jerk.
You are not.
Don’t listen to her drama about meds. Try meds, try cognitive behavioral therapy. Find what works for you.
Now, think about the fact that she wants you to stay sick.
And depressed. And struggling. Because she is? Because she’d rather wallow and complain, she wants you to stay in a hole with her?
That’s so awful.
If she broke her leg, would you let her break yours too, so you could share the struggle? Of course not.
This is the same. She’s trynna break your legs. It’s sociopathic.
Be very wary of this friendship. This won’t be the last time she tries to drag you down, and I imagine she will also be one who drains all your energy dealing with her problems and expects you to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Don’t do that. Get yourself well, and set boundaries with her that help that.
NTJ.” Left-Car6520
15. AITJ For Still Seeing My Ex-Fiancé's Family?
“So I (27F) split up with my ex-fiancé Tom (33M) in August 2020 after 7 years together. We have two children Logan (4M) and Matt (1M), we split when I was still pregnant with Matt.
I won’t go into too much detail about the split but he did end up moving on pretty quickly and has been with his partner Mary (30sF) for about a year and a half now, living together since December 2020.
Our custody arrangement for Logan is he has him Friday-Sunday every fortnight. We have no custody arrangement with Matt as we feel he is too young to stay away from me, he is still breastfeeding and is unfamiliar with his dad.
He has irregular visits with Matt as sometimes he is asleep when he drops Logan off or he only stays for 15 minutes.
Now, Mary is East Asian. I am half South East Asian myself.
Ex is white, his family is white. She does not like me one bit. We knew each other before when Tom and I were planning our second pregnancy and obviously, we already had our older son.
It was not something about infidelity as far as I’m aware and I don’t really care if it was. Tom was a jerk anyway so it’s not much of a loss.
Where the problem comes in, he recently had a fight with his mother Fay (ex-MIL 59F). Fay and I still have a really lovely relationship. We check up on each other and most of the time when I’ve dropped Logan off at Tom’s house, I’ll go over to Fay’s so she can see Matt.
I also still have a good relationship with all of his Aunts, his sisters, and his nephews. His dad who lives in another country regularly calls me to video chat with the kids and check up on us all as well.
But recently, Tom was going on and on about how it’s the ‘Asian way’ that his family should stop having a relationship with me all together. That it’s disrespectful to his new relationship with Mary.
To me, I feel like my children deserve to know their family, both sides. It’s also hard to just stop a relationship with people I considered my own family as well.
I’m not very connected with my southeast Asian side myself so I’m wondering, AITJ for continuing a relationship with his family?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His parents are your children’s grandparents. He and Mary are being completely unreasonable.
I wouldn’t even get into a discussion with him about it. It’s lovely that you keep in touch with them for the kids’ sake.
Ex and Mary are just going to have to accept that when you have kids with someone, they are in your life.” Aylauria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The 2 of you were together for 7 years and have 2 children together.
He is tied to you forever and it’s great that you’re close to his family to help encourage the ties between them and your kids. You aren’t doing anything to upset the new partner purposely so they can calm themselves.” Knittingfairy09113
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
A good relationship with your children’s extended family and grandparents can only be healthy and beneficial for the children. Keeping those connections is providing them valuable time together to bond. Good work!” seawolf681
14. WIBTJ If I Stop Bringing My Dog Over To My In-Laws'?
“I (25F) and my husband (29M) have a Dobermann Kiara (3F). Kiara can’t handle pork. We found this out when she was about a half-year-old. She gets bad poop and if she eats too much of it she vomits.
Because of this we obviously don’t give her any pork anymore.
On the first day of Christmas, we were at my husband’s parents’ for dinner. (Me, my husband, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL, and grandfather.) My mother-in-law cooked food and it was delicious but all the meat was pork.
At the end of the main course, my mother-in-law called Kiara (she was asleep on the couch as always when we eat dinner) and she gave her a piece of meat that was left over.
I told her don’t do it because she will get sick. She brushed it off and gave Kiara the piece anyway.
For dessert, we had Vienetta ice cream (contains chocolate), banana split ice cream (contains chocolate), and whipped cream ice cream (safe for Kiara).
When everyone was finished with the dessert Kiara made her round around the table and everyone who had whipped cream ice cream held their plate down so that Kiara can eat the little leftover that remains on the plate.
Our grandfather held his plate down for Kiara but he had the Vienetta ice cream and there was obvious chocolate remains on the plate. So I told him don’t give it to her but he raised his voice saying that it won’t hurt her and put the plate on the floor.
My husband talked to his mother after dinner and told her not to give Kiara any more pork but she said; Every time Kiara is here when we are having dinner she always puts a piece of meat aside for her.
No matter what the meat is.
I talked to my husband after we left and I told him I don’t want Kiara there anymore when we are having dinner because they don’t respect my wishes.
WIBTJ if I keep Kiara away if there is food or bring her home before we get to the table?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Chocolate especially has harmed dogs because it’s completely toxic to them.
I’ve seen a dog suffer from chocolate poisoning when I worked at a vet and it is not what you want to happen, it’s horrific. Granted I saw a chihuahua pass and he ate a few squares but a small amount is still toxic.
They refused to listen, you have every right to protect your dog and keep her safe. If they can’t listen and accept that what they’re doing is incredibly dangerous, then you don’t take the dog.
They brought it on themselves by ignoring your warnings.” rhubarb2896
Another User Comments:
“I gotta call this an ‘everyone sucks here’ for two different reasons. Your family is the obvious jerk for what happened at this dinner and for not listening to you about what to feed your dog, but the fact that anything even remotely like this was normalized is on you.
Feeding dogs from the table is a bad idea, and the roulette of human foods being given to them is dangerous. I gotta call you on some bad dog owner practices here: while some human foods are fine for dogs (mine loves bananas and lettuce for example), you need to be careful about which ones, and they should never be ‘leftovers from dinner.'” Personal-Alfalfa-935
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – give her the Vet bill.
At some point look at this because if she is overstepping your boundaries with your dog, she will do this with your children. Let her know, ‘you are showing me that I can’t trust you with any children I have, by the way you treat me over my dog! You won’t see either if you keep this up.’ Stop allowing her to run all over you, be firm, stand your ground, and demand respect!” Weneeditdun
13. WIBTJ If I Ask My Artist To Cover Up My Tattoo?
“So I’m a pretty tattooed person, and because of this I’m now starting to look at tattoos I think need to be touched up before I get anything new. I have lots of plans but want to take care of the ones I have already first for various reasons.
I don’t particularly regret or dislike any of them, more so just wish I did some things differently with one of them. I have a pretty small linework rose that is also super basic (no shading or anything, literally just the outline of a rose because I told my artist it’s all I wanted) on my forearm, and it was my first ever tattoo.
I literally got it just because I wanted to see if I could handle the pain, and really didn’t think through much else. I always figured I’d be fine with it because it wasn’t anything crazy.
However, every other tattoo I have is a lot bolder, shaded, and colored and at least 5x bigger if not more. My little rose really doesn’t fit in at all in my opinion.
It’s also in a spot I would like to put other things.
The dilemma is I live in a small town, and I only really trust the one artist I’ve been going to.
The rest have been either snobby and gave me bad vibes or are on illegal stuff (my area has a really bad substance issue at the moment). So I would essentially be asking her to cover up her own work.
Which again it’s a super basic outline of a rose. She knows I wanted to do something more with it in the future, as I’ve already talked about that. But in all honesty, I just think it’s too small to do anything I would want to do with it… so I’d rather just cover it with another bolder and more detailed floral piece.
I love this artist’s work, and I want to be transparent with her about this as it’s something I want to do soon. It’s the only tattoo I have that I’m not totally happy with, and that’s because, in my opinion, it’s not actually a finished piece.
No fault of hers, completely mine. So I’m torn on if I should bring this up or just live with my decision in order to maintain a good relationship with the artist.
WIBTJ, if I asked her to cover it up? For your information, she’s never been mean or made me uncomfortable, I’m just not sure if this is unreasonable to ask.
Edit: I talked to her about it and she’s fine with it!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You had a small, simple thing done years ago. You’ve grown and gotten bolder. I’d assume that your artist has improved her skills in that time, too. I’d say you’re giving her an opportunity to update you, her living canvas.” ClothDiaperAddicts
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ.
I have no tattoos, so have no real proper advice to give, but might it be that your artist doesn’t like it much either? As you said, it was your first, real basic.
Your artist did it because you asked her to. Since then, I imagine years have gone by if you’re really covered. Your artist has most definitely improved her style and ability since then, so she might be really keen to agree with no questions asked to do something new on top or offer her own suggestions on how to improve the art.
In any case, your body, your choices.” SugarP48
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I would just explain it the way you did here, you could even shorten it up and be fine. She probably wasn’t happy with it either, that’s her work you are walking around and showing everyone. She would probably be happy to fix it as well as get the work, it also says a lot that you are sticking with her.” User
12. WIBTJ If I Leave My Dad Behind To Visit My Grandparents?
“My (M23) mom and my sister were thinking about doing a road trip this summer to see my grandparents (Mom’s parents) and other family members and celebrate graduations, birthdays, etc. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen issues that came about at the start of the year, my dad would not be able to go with us, and when my mom mentioned the idea to him, he became very upset, and started claiming multiple things that aren’t true, and created multiple assumptions regarding the intentions of this trip.
He said that we always wanted to neglect him on family vacations and that we hadn’t gone on one in ’17 years,’ which isn’t remotely true.
In short, he thinks we’re trying to purposefully go without him, and even though my mom has explained multiple times that he has nothing to do with her wanting this trip, he insists we’re doing it to hurt him.
My mom’s parents are not in great health, and for me, this trip could be the last time that I get to see them, which is my incentive for going. I would love for my dad to be able to go on the trip with us, we all would, and I feel really bad that he wouldn’t be able to go.
So, I guess the question is, would we be the jerks to go on this trip, leaving my dad at home?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and your trip doesn’t even sound like y’all are doing anything out of the ordinary.
You’re seeing family and in the meantime just sightseeing.
Your dad is being a major knucklehead. He’s not willing to listen or compromise.
What makes him think you’re doing this on purpose?! Tell him to get his head out of his butt and listen.
If he really wants he can jump on a plane and visit y’all on the weekend with your grandparents. It doesn’t have to be a whole week ordeal with him. You’re wanting to create memories with those who are left.” PonderWhoIAm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Since this road trip was planned BEFORE your dad knew he could not go, how could this trip possibly be about wanting to hurt him?
This seems controlling. He can’t go so he does not want anyone else to go and is trying to guilt everyone into not going.
This is ridiculous.
Just say, ‘we had this trip planned/were thinking about this trip before we knew you could not go. This isn’t about you. This is about wanting to see the grandparents who are not in great health and it could be the last time we will ever see them.
Therefore, get over yourself. This will not be discussed again!'” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad sounds so self-absorbed to even think that you guys planned a whole trip just to hurt him as if that is the only reason you would go on a trip.
He has the invitation to come along but he is unable to do so, which is not your problem or your fault. Nor is it your responsibility to fix it for him.” Feeling_Ad_5309
11. AITJ For Asking My Daughter To Pay Rent?
“I have raised my 2 children, son 17 & daughter 20 for 15 years as a single parent with full custody. Child maintenance was minimal to non-existent.
I made a deal with my kids when they were younger that when they turned 18 I would continue providing for them financially if they were continuing their education.
The only thing I wouldn’t fund was their social life, they needed jobs for that.
When my daughter turned 18 the health crisis hit so finding employment was hard so I gave her some leeway but she had to contribute a bit more to household chores to ‘pay her way’ and so she wouldn’t be bored at home all day.
I was an essential worker so still worked full-time. I was trying to teach her responsibility. She would protest saying she’s not my slave.
Fast forward to the start of 2021 and she got a 40hour a week job.
I asked her to contribute $100 a week to room and board. She refused initially but relented and started paying but soon stopped.
Every time I’d address it she’d blow up.
At the end of last year, she came to me and said it was hard for her to save because ‘I take all her money’.
Her rent was about 15% of her weekly wage.
I agreed to half the amount to $50 a week so she could save.
She now has another job that pays double what her last one did.
She still refuses to pay $50 a week in rent. She isn’t saving.
She has since told me that she shouldn’t have to pay me anything. That I’m stealing from her. That I should never have had kids if I couldn’t afford to financially support them.
That none of her friends have to pay for anything.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You know, she’s going to be in a world of hurt when she goes out into the real world and has to pay all of her expenses by herself and you’re honestly not doing her any favors by not making her pay rent.
In our house we have a 4 part system: when you get a job, 1 quarter goes to savings, one quarter goes to checking (for bills), one quarter goes to rent and the last quarter goes to fun money (as we call it).
With this, we’re teaching them responsibilities and financial management along with the importance of being an adult.
Food costs money, electricity costs money, rent costs money, etc…
The more you let her take, the more she will take and you honestly need to take a stand…
NTJ but hon, she really needs to grow up and if she doesn’t like the rules she needs to leave.” Educational-Friend47
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I could never understand a parent that charges their children rent.
She’s not 30 years old, she’s just now getting a grip on adulthood. None of us asked to be born into this world and none of us want to be charged to live.
Your daughter doesn’t owe you anything, you owe her basic necessities because YOU CHOSE to be a mother.” Skylar-Z
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your daughter is an adult and sounds like an entitled brat.
Shame on her. The amount of rent you requested is extremely reasonable and just because she is your child, you are not obligated to fully support her any further.” PsychologyAutomatic3
10. AITJ For Scratching A Bully's Car?
“I (16F) decided to key this popular girl’s (16 F) car. well, it all started when my best friend (17F) got into a new relationship which I am super happy about.
She’s been in an awful relationship and seeing her go through that broke my heart. She met this new guy that I think is good for her. She decided to post him on her Snapchat story thanking him for having dinner with her family.
It was sweet, but just a little cringe as all high school relationships are. The popular girl decided to screenshot that story and post it on her private story calling her gross and putting up vomit emojis.
This really upset me seeing my friend sad about this.
The bully continued to make a private story dedicated to bullying my friend. I had enough and lashed out. I will always stand up for my friends even if it means me getting hurt.
So yesterday after school, my other best friend (15F) came up with the idea to key her car. So she threw me a pair of tweezers and out in the parking lot I made a small scratch and ran back inside the school.
Well today, I get called into the principal’s office after hearing everything else that went down. I confessed to what I did and was respectful about it. The principal only suspended me for today but I don’t know if the bully’s family will press charges.
Anyway, now everyone is talking about me and the majority is on my side I believe.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and that’s not defending your friend, that’s super cowardly. Calling out the popular girl for her bullying is defending your friend not vandalizing her car…
so cowardly even though you came clean only after you basically were found out.” Still_Storm7432
Another User Comments:
“Of course YTJ. It’s none of your business and you had no business causing property damage to that girl’s car.
You’re almost an adult, control yourself unless you want a criminal record before you even get started in life.” PsychologyAutomatic3
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Don’t touch other people’s stuff. Not to mention you broke the law and should now be responsible to pay for the repairs. You need to grow up fast before you end up doing something that lands you in jail.” reav11
9. AITJ For Pursuing A Different Degree?
“I (22F) have been in college since I was 18. I was originally just going for an associate’s degree in arts until the crisis hit. When the crisis hit I was out of school for a while.
During that long break from school, my parents decided that I had talent in IT (Information Technology) and pushed me to change my major to an associate in IT. I was reluctant because I only knew basic computer knowledge, nothing too advanced.
Eventually, I caved and changed my major, to my parents’ delight. The courses for IT were easy at first and then became much more difficult. I began to struggle with IT hard.
I was in a networking course for the last 8 weeks and was struggling badly with it, so I went and spoke with my college program (I am disabled so I have a program that helps me) and a counselor.
Both told me I was overqualified for some Internships, and also that I was 1 semester away from graduating with an Associate in General Studies. I decided to change my major and take on an internship.
I dropped my IT class and began the paperwork for the internship today. When I approached my parents with this news, they lost it. They told me I was a jerk because I was ‘giving up on becoming rich’ and that I had ‘wasted their time and money’ by dropping out of the IT program.
I feel like I could be the jerk for not letting them have a say, it is their money being used to fund my college degree. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re still getting a degree and it’s not like an associate’s degree in IT is going to make you rich on its own.
That internship is likely more valuable $ wise.
The core value of a degree is the experience that comes with doing college-level work – writing, critical thinking, personal growth, etc. Very few undergrad programs are going to set you up for extreme earnings fresh out of school, especially an associate’s degree (not to devalue them, just that outside of career program/certification/etc ones they’re often mostly a pathway to more college).
I’ve worked for software companies my entire career and often interview candidates. Have literally never considered someone’s education as a key factor when passing on my opinion to hiring managers.” GottaFindThatReptar
Another User Comments:
“Trying to decide between NTJ and ‘everyone sucks here’, NTJ at all for wanting to change majors, no one should be forced into a career they do not enjoy, your parents are big jerks for trying to dictate your career based on money, enjoying what you do is WAY more important.
Do you really want to spend around 1/4 of your life (40 hrs/168 hrs/week) doing something you don’t enjoy?
While you are 22 and have every right to change your major, you might be a slight jerk by not discussing it with your parents before dropping classes and making changes just because they are the ones paying for it.
Not saying the final outcome is wrong at all, and you are 100% making the right decision for you, just saying because they are paying for it, it would be the right thing to do to discuss it with them before making changes.” eh49er
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
IT can pay well, but it won’t make you rich. An associate in IT definitely won’t do that.
Before I started working for myself I had people with a bachelor’s degree in IT working under me in a factory.
You know what they didn’t have? Internships to help them get better positions and network for future careers.
Internships are just as important as sheepskin. Also, it may be their money but you have to live with the education.
At the very least it should help you enter as a junior at many four-year universities. An associate on its own doesn’t get you much most of the time.
I did a similar thing.
Liberal Arts Associates at a nearby community college. Several nearby universities would let me enter in as a junior and I could focus on the requirements for my major.” CantalopeHoneydew
8. WIBTJ If I Confront My Partner About Concert Tickets?
“My partner isn’t really a social butterfly, I’m the opposite. He never wants to go to parties or go out with more people than just the two of us and I respect that.
There’s a festival in two days, and 2 rappers that he listens to will perform there. From what I’ve seen not a lot of people will be there since they both make underground music and I bought my ticket a month ago.
One of my friends was going too and we never decided that we are going together – we’ll just be at the same show. So I offered my partner to go with me, thought it would be a nice idea, just us two.
He said no cause he doesn’t like this type of show, and concerts and doesn’t have the money. Offered to buy him a ticket, but still no. I had a rough time this month, so I considered not going.
I offered him my ticket if he wants to go alone or with his friends – still no.
The concert’s in two days and we were just talking on Discord. He was sharing his screen and I saw his tabs – he was looking at the tickets for that festival and a similar one, but in a different city that’s 2 hrs away, travel options prices, etc.
I’m super confused. My first thoughts were why a different city when he has the same one 15 mins away, where is he even going to stay, and for how long but I feel like I’m overreacting.
Why didn’t he just tell me he doesn’t want to go there specifically with me? My previous relationship was not a good one and it made me believe I was always at fault so even though people kept telling me my ex was simply manipulating me, this stuff is still somewhere sitting at the back of my head, so even though it feels wrong I still think I’m overreacting and it’s just a silly concert.
I don’t want to start arguments and accuse him of nonsense stuff. WIBTJ if I confronted him or should I just let it slide?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you brought this up and asked him what is going on.
I understand not liking concerts/not wanting to go and for a while, I was thinking YTJ because you keep pestering him. But the fact that he said no to you and then is looking at another one in a different location confuses me.
I think if you don’t talk about this, seeds of doubt may sprout and grow. Better to air it out but do so civilly & genuinely give him the option to explain.” pnb10
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but be prepared to either hear a bunch of nonsense deflection, or something you’d probably rather not hear.
One way or another, you should go to the concert and meet up with your friend there. Let him go into the wilderness if that’s what he wants to do.” reyballesta
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, definitely ask him so you feel more at ease.
Could very well be worrying about nothing, if someone would ask me to go to a festival I would look it up too. But I understand why you’re worried past relationships and stuff make people more alert.
Good communication shouldn’t be a problem.” coffee-mcr
7. AITJ For Cutting Out A Friend After He Made Rude Comments Toward Me?
“So our group consists of me (F18), Jack (M18), Dane (M19), and Cass (F18). All of those names are fake ofc.
I’ve known these people for honestly about three months, so they’re new friends.
However, Jack and I started being friends for two weeks and he was really chill! This is why I decided to introduce him to my other friends. This is where things started to derail.
Jack started to say extremely inappropriate things, on the first day all of the things he said to me and Cass were classic ‘get in the kitchen’ phrases, and whined about how women were manipulative.
When Cass and I were talking about another group chat we were in (where it was girls only), Jack was like ‘why would I want to hear about a bunch of women arguing?’ This came out of nowhere.
He has never said anything like this before, so I was shocked. He then started to act like this when we were alone too and it annoyed me.
I let this slide for a total of 2 days, which I regret, I should’ve confronted him immediately but tbh I was so tired from going to work and school I couldn’t be asked.
A part of me was also worried that Dane would side with Jack too (spoiler alert, he didn’t luckily). When I finally ripped off the bandaid and told Jack I didn’t want to be friends anymore both Cass and Dane followed me.
Jack got angry and tried to explain that he wasn’t being serious and that his actions were just ‘performative’. I didn’t feel like starting a pointless argument, so I just ignored him.
(I was extremely angry at his nonsense but I already told him that I didn’t like him so what’s the point in trying to talk to him further).
He kept messaging me until I blocked him, and he even tried to give me a note in class but I just told him to stop.
Honestly, the main reason why I’m writing this is that I feel so guilty for what I did, his messages, and the notes, it makes me feel bad for him. Both Dane and Cass are telling me to ignore him but seeing Jack act that way makes me feel weird, I don’t know how to describe it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He was being a jerk and mistreating you and your friend, he’s out. Don’t go back on your decision, you did the right thing. How does it being ‘performative’ make it better? So he was being a jerk on purpose, and somehow that’s a reason you should forgive him? Haha, no.” fairymascot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Are you a jerk for doing what everyone should do every time, which would have made this world a much better place? No, but the voice of reason. Jack will get chances elsewhere and now, because of you, he may have learned something that can help him become a better person with working relationships. You have my vote!” BobiaDobia
6. AITJ For Texting Someone Past Bedtime?
“I texted someone, as I have done dozens of times before for years, at 2-3 am which never was a problem once. This time they get mad at me saying ‘people are sleeping’.
I personally put my phone on silent when going to sleep where only important people can call me or text and second-attempt calls go through by default, this is also because my phone always makes noises for incoming emails, etc.
so until now it didn’t even fly past my head that someone would expect to not be texted after a certain time.
I want to know what the majority of people think, I always thought people would put their phones on do not disturb because phones have it and I always used it but maybe I am a minority that uses this feature.
For the record, if a decent majority of people actually expect such behavior I have no problem rolling with it, that is why I am here and if someone wants me to not text them obviously I won’t.
So I am here to find out the percentage of people who personally think and expect others to not text them after their sleeping schedule.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I too believed at first that sending a text in the middle of the night wouldn’t be a problem because I wasn’t expecting them to wake up and respond, but apparently, a lot of people sleep like cats and it could bother them.
There are a few people I would text at odd (for them) hours, but I asked them in advance and they don’t mind. In turn, I have told everyone they can call or text anytime 24/7 and I will reply when I become available.
But I don’t sleep like a cat.
So if it’s only a few people, find out in advance. If you hope to text a lot of different people, maybe you need a standing disclaimer that you aren’t expecting them to respond while sleeping and they should let you know if they are disturbed by late-night texts.” mindbird
Another User Comments:
“YTJ softly.
I never receive calls or texts late at night and very rarely early in the morning. It’s an unnecessary extra step in my routine to put my phone on do not disturb every night, when I don’t anticipate it’s ever needed.
If you’re the only person that contacts your friend at these hours, it’s fair that they would let you know they’re sleeping.
I would also say that most people don’t have email sound notifications or other sound notifications that need to be silenced at night.” kylecs7637
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Texting is one of the least intrusive ways of leaving a message. It’s usually just a beep, and people can respond at their leisure. Maybe the person has sensory issues, but if it bothers them so much, they should change their text notification settings.
That being said, don’t text them late at night in the future, but I think they’re overreacting.” FrederickChase
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Not everyone can put their phone on do not disturb for various reasons.
For instance, if you have a sick family member, you could make it to where you would hear their messages or calls but what if a hospital needed to call? The same with older children.
You could make it to where their calls and text messages would always come through, but what if something happened and one of their friends was trying to call?
My partner can’t for work reasons.
He has gotten emergency calls in the middle of the night and there’s no way to predict who might call him.
At one point my adult son had a potentially dangerous job and he worked nights.
If something happened to him the call would not have come from his phone but someone else’s.
Could users force those calling to call multiple times before reaching them, and hope they do in the specific time frame of a few minutes? Yes.
But people could also not be jerks and text at unreasonable hours.
The only reason to text late at night is an emergency, otherwise, it can wait. You have no idea what might be going on in someone’s life that you know nothing about and I doubt what you’re texting is so profound it can’t wait.” nemc222
5. AITJ For Wanting To Practice Driving My Dad's Car?
“I turn 16 in July. I got a 94 on the written part of my driving exam but I’ve never sat in the driver’s seat before. When I was 14, my mom said she would let me practice driving in a parking lot but she never did.
Most of my friends are a few months older than me and they said that practicing before taking their lessons was super helpful. I know how to drive on paper, but I want to feel everything out and try to drive around a parking lot.
I asked my mom if she would let me and she said ‘I’m sure your dad would let you!’ (They are divorced). So I asked my dad and he said ‘how dare your mother make promises on my behalf! I don’t trust you with my car.’
I told him that all my friends were allowed to drive before they got their permits and he used the classic line, ‘if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?’ My dad says that it’s wrong of me to ask because I don’t have my permit yet.
ETA – in my state 6 hours behind the wheel and passing the written exam is required for a permit. People are not allowed to apply for a driving instructor for their 6 hours until on or after their 16th birthday.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Get your permit so it’s all legal, especially if you cause an accident or put a dent in one of your parent’s cars. It’s not just for you, it’s for the insurance coverage.
Many insurance plans require notification of a student driver with a permit. If that’s not all done, the insurance company won’t cover damages and/or injury claims and your parent could get cited.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, although it doesn’t seem like simple requests are going to do the trick.
How do your parents expect you to get a driver’s license without practice? My mom was afraid of me driving and hardly let me practice at all, so I failed the first time.
Now, some states require you to keep a log of practice driving and to have a certain number of hours before you can even test. If your state is one of those, it’s a powerful argument.
Even if your state isn’t one of those, you have a few options. One is to point out the advantages to them of your having a license. It is easier on a parent if the kid can drive.
Another option is to see if another adult will help you. This does depend on state laws; in some states, the supervising adult has to be a parent or guardian (although I helped a friend of my kid’s learn to drive because his mom wouldn’t/couldn’t help).
But maybe you have an aunt or uncle or a really helpful neighbor?
Good luck! It sucks depending on adults, but it won’t be that much longer.” GAB104
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your dad’s response is pretty brash for a reasonable question.
Also blaming the other parent in a divorced relationship is incredibly inappropriate. Maybe he should try communicating with your mom. However…Technically driving without a permit on public roads is illegal in the US. You can drive on private property without a permit though. You don’t need to practice before taking your lessons. That’s why you’re getting lessons anyways.” LoveRemykin
4. AITJ For Not Inviting My Best Friend To My Wedding Because She Offended Me?
“My friend and I are both 23F. We have been friends since we were 7 years old. But one thing I noticed about her in the past few years is that she loves to give unsolicited advice.
I’m not sure why but she sees herself as the psychologist of our friendship and the wiser one. This annoys me a lot but I tolerate it because of our friendship.
When I got engaged she had a lot to say. But at some point, I just told her I don’t care and I’m done listening to her talk about our relationship.
So we reached an agreement: I wouldn’t tell her anything about my relationship because she thinks it’s toxic and she doesn’t want to hear it. And she wouldn’t give me unsolicited advice.
I got married at a big wedding in his home country and I didn’t invite her. Because I knew she wouldn’t be happy for me. Now she is mad at me.
Edit: I directly asked her if she would have come to the wedding if I invited and she said no. I asked her if she would have tried to talk me out of it if I invited her and she said probably.
She still believes my marriage is a bad idea and sees me as the victim and that she has to be there for me once things go wrong. Honestly, at this point, I don’t even know what to answer her.
We just left the conversation at that. So I don’t know, I guess I was right about not inviting her. But I don’t even know.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because she is expressing logical concern and I’m sure that’s what’s actually annoying you.
If you love someone you don’t NEED to marry them right away. You can take your time, enjoy learning about them, and recognize that there isn’t a rush to be married as soon as possible.
The only people I know who got married after a few months are people who had something to hide. People literally have toothbrushes older than your relationship.” DiscoBoi95
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – but not for the reason you think.
Your friend was (possibly legitimately) concerned about your very quick engagement with somebody you haven’t known long and offered advice/opinions when you didn’t want them. You asked her to stop, and she did.
Example one: you communicated, came to a solution, issue resolved.
You just ghosted your friend at the wedding rather than sit her down and tell her: ‘Look, you’re my friend and I care about you, but I know you’re not supportive of my relationship for the reasons you’ve already told me.
For that reason, I don’t want to put you in a spot to pay for airfare and accommodation for a marriage you don’t support. I hope eventually we can come to a place of agreement on my upcoming husband, and I look forward to seeing you after the honeymoon, but for this reason, I am not inviting you.’ THAT’S a jerk move.” sammotico
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ.
It is your wedding and it seemed you were most likely right about whether she would come to your wedding or not. I would have still personally still have invited her even if I thought she’d say no.
If she doesn’t want to come, then the strain on the relationship is on her.
But since she’s been giving you unsolicited advice before you were engaged, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise.
You never know, things may or may not work out with your husband and your friend may be on your side, no matter what. I guess you’ll have to think if she would be the kind of friend that wouldn’t rub it in your face if it doesn’t work out or if will she be happy for you if your marriage is good.
I had a friend like this (disapproved of my current husband but not for your reasons). I think my friend would support me whether it worked out or not.
It seems like maybe you just don’t like hearing unsolicited advice. I can understand that. Sometimes you just want support and no judgment. Maybe you have to evaluate if she’s the type of friend you want.” lisb1120
3. AITJ For Walking Away From My Partner's Proposal?
“I (28f) have been in a relationship with my partner (28m) for 3 years.
Today was my birthday. My partner has been telling me for the past few weeks that he has a big surprise planned for this year.
Today, he threw me a surprise party with both our families present. I was very happy that he planned all this for me. It was all going very great until he told me it was time for my gift.
And then he proposed to me.
The thing is I hate being put on a spot. And the proposal came out of nowhere. Both our families were there and I didn’t know how to react.
I panicked, said ‘I need a moment’ and left the room. My partner could tell that I was upset and he followed me to our room. He asked me what happened and I told him that I am upset that he would put me in a spot like that when he knew I hate that.
Since then he is mad at me. The party ended then and he is not talking to me right now. My family told me that I overreacted before they left.
Another thing is I am kind of also upset that he felt like proposing is a gift.
I don’t know if I am also overreacting here but it makes me feel like he is doing me a favor by proposing.
So AITJ for walking away? And being upset?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
A proposal, especially in public, should not be out of the blue! If someone is going to propose in public (in front of others) they better know 100% that the person will say yes and that the person likes surprises and being the center of attention.
Also, proposals should never be ‘given’ as gifts. That’s just wrong. They are not for holidays or birthdays. I completely understand why you’d be upset and disappointed.
I also know why your partner is disappointed.
He’s probably really embarrassed that he miscalculated so terribly. It sounds like he planned the proposal that he wanted, without considering how you’d like it.
I hope you two are able to communicate and work through this.
What he did is certainly not a deal breaker. Just really unfortunate.” nothingclever4now
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if your partner doesn’t know you well enough to realize that this wouldn’t have been well received by you, then you should probably have a pretty serious talk with him about the future of your relationship.
If someone did this to me I would straight up end the relationship because no one who genuinely knows me would put me in that position. I know people who have had a very positive experience with public proposals like this but that’s because they were dropping some VERY unsubtle hints about how romantic they thought that sort of thing was (which is fine! They got what they wanted and everyone was happy.
But the reason they got what they wanted is that their partners understood who they were.)” chablismouth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if your partner doesn’t know you well enough to not do this and is too immature to realize he screwed up by doing so and is responding with the silent treatment he isn’t ready to be married to anyone, but especially isn’t marriage material for you.
Do I expect someone to know every little thing after three years? God, no that’d be insane. Do I expect after three years one should know their partner’s major stressors/triggers and not actively go out of their way to set them off, YES I DO! And I feel that’s not an unreasonable expectation.
I’m honestly worried about what you’re being put through that he’s trying to make proposing feel like a ‘favor’. This sentence assuming I’m understanding is him implying that his proposal is somehow a benefit to you and an inconvenience to him as that’s generally how favors seem to me, the reason I get pizza for helping people move is that helping them move sucks.
The reason I get to call in a favor of my own after babysitting is that it interrupted my plans etc and so on. To me, that’s a bright crimson flag with the word RUN emblazoned on it in multiple languages.” StrykerC13
2. WIBTJ If I Leave My Wasted Roommate Outside?
“I live in a house with two other people, both men aged 35-40.
Occasionally we get ourselves locked out. It happens, right? Someone forgets their keys and asks if anyone else will let them in.
No big deal. Unfortunately one of my housemates has gotten himself locked out seven times in the past nine months. On six of those occasions, he has gone out to get wasted and either forgotten his keys or given them away to prove he wasn’t going to go home early.
He then slams on the door and hollers our names until we wake up and let him in, usually at 3-4 am. On one occasion, he climbed over our garden wall (about 2m tall) so he could hit on the back door and throw stones at my window.
Last night he came home almost exactly at midnight. I was still awake, so I went down to let him in. He spent half an hour stomping around the house and loudly singing.
When I went to tell him to shut up, I realized that he’d gone back out again, leaving all the lights on and leaving the door open.
Next time he is slamming on the door, I am going to put my headphones on and ignore him.
He can text his friends to see if any of them will let him in, find a hotel, or just find a cafe to sit in until 7 am.
Obviously, I am not treating my housemate the way I would like to be treated in his situation.
However, he also isn’t treating us the way he should, so part of me feels justified. It’s a genuine moral dilemma for me. WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He is a grown-up heavy drinking man who has no respect for his roommates.
He can either keep track of his keys or he can stay out through the night until a reasonable time instead of waking people up because he’s too wasted to have manners.
Maybe warn him though that you will no longer respond to pounding on the doors or throwing rocks at the windows or any other attempts to wake you up in the middle of the night.
If he locks himself out between 10 PM and 7 AM (or whatever times work for you), he’ll just have to find somewhere else to spend the night. This way he can’t claim he didn’t know it was a problem when it happens again and you leave him outside.” 7thatsanope
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Try having a talk with him sober, if you haven’t already, and tell him next time he’s staying locked out if he comes home past midnight again while wasted. He can consider that his warning.
But at the same time, look around for a new living situation, if you can.” Marabomarabo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But you need to talk to him about this behavior instead of leaving him locked outside. If he doesn’t find his way anywhere safe and it’s cold enough outside he could very really get hurt or worse.” Acedia_spark
1. AITJ For Telling A Coworker They Are Not Qualified For A Position?
“At my workplace, there was an open position. Not a leadership position, but it grants you certain perks… It’s a very organized place, so this position has a quite exact job description, along with certain ‘powers’ (like being able to schedule a mandatory meeting with the head of operations).
It’s a technical position and a requirement is a degree in chemistry or similar… my work colleague (which I like very much) told me they are going to apply for this too.
They were like like ‘don’t be angry with me but I’m a very competitive person and I’m going for this too’. After that, I said something amounting to ‘you’re not even in my league, I don’t care what you do’.
That wasn’t the smartest thing to say, but it’s true, they don’t have anything near the education required. A typical example of someone who never even got close to academics, and is totally unaware of how much they don’t know.
They haven’t talked to me since I got the position (they weren’t even invited for an interview) and I’m wondering how I could fix our relationship…
On one hand, I’m sorry for how I talked to them, and I did apologize for that.
On the other hand, I didn’t back down on the core issue… certain positions come with certain requirements… And it’s quite insulting that some ‘simpleton’ thinks they can bypass all that.
I have a problem with that… It’s honestly quite ridiculous what they keep applying for in terms of internal transfers, and that’s not even close to the first time.
In the end, I don’t really feel like making amends to someone who didn’t even finish a bachelor’s degree while I went through 5 years of misery to get a master’s from one of the most prestigious universities in Europe…
I won’t tell them how it’s all unfair and their qualifications have been disregarded. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ—and you just sound like a total and grossly unbearable snob. Academics and having degrees don’t make you better.
People have different experiences and skills. I have academic degrees all the way up to a Ph.D., and I have friends who didn’t go past high school and now have skills and knowledge in certain areas that I can’t even begin to compare myself to.
One isn’t ‘better’ than the other. They’re DIFFERENT. But you certainly sound like you think and feel you are better. Gross.” Rothbard7
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you are so much more qualified than them why would you be a jerk to someone you called a friend?
Just because you have worked your butt off doesn’t mean you are qualified, especially in the attitude and maturity department.
You should have encouraged them, getting interview experience and visibility will help them in their career in the future, especially since you are so confident you are getting this position.” IHaveQuestions4433
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, everything you said to them seemed rather unwarranted.
It would likely have been better for your friendship if you’d simply said good luck and gone about your business. You say you like this person very much but you call them a simpleton and seem insulted by their very existence in the company.
You don’t even want to apologize because you seem to think they’re not worthwhile as a person if they don’t have the same level of schooling as you. It doesn’t hurt them or you to apply for these positions so you should perhaps keep your opinions to yourself and examine your superiority complex.” Carikos
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