People Plead For Our Opinion On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take My Stepsister On A Family Trip With My Fiancé?
“When I was 11 my mom married my stepdad who also had a 13-year-old daughter. For the purpose of this post, we’ll call her Emma. I and Emma have never gotten along, when I was 22 I finally went no contact with her.
The straw that finally broke the camel’s back was when she gleefully announced she was pregnant with my then fiancé… On Christmas day. That was honestly one of the worst times in my life and it took me a really long time to recover from the betrayal.
Emma ended up marrying my ex and they have a little boy together.
I’m currently 28 and engaged to a wonderful man, who is a lot better than my ex ever was. Emma and my ex ended up divorcing after 3 years and she now lives with my mom and stepdad.
My fiancé has family in Italy who he’d like me (and my parents) to meet before the wedding. The original plan was to go this summer but obviously, with everything that’s happening, our plans got put on hold.
I was discussing the plans to reschedule for next year with my mom recently and she asked me if I was going to invite Emma and her son along. I told her I wasn’t and she asked me to reconsider because she didn’t think my stepdad would come otherwise (that’s fine with me, it’s really my mom and dad who my fiancé wants to introduce to his family).
She argued Emma has matured since becoming a mom and getting divorced and that she wants to attempt to have a relationship with me.
When I told her I wasn’t interested, she said I was putting her in an awkward position and that I was taking my half-sister and stepbrother on my dad’s side so she felt like I was favoring him (my stepbrother is literally the person who introduced me to my fiancé and my half-sister and I are close).
She also said it’s unfair because Emma could never afford a trip like this on her own and my nephew would be the one to miss out on bonding time with his cousins.
She asked me to reconsider before she left and has only replied to my texts to ask if I’d changed my mind.
I’m starting to feel guilty because I know mine and Emma’s dislike for one another has put a massive strain on my mom’s marriage and it’s not fair to her. My mom’s sisters have also called me to ask me to change my mind.
I’m starting to worry my mom might not come either with how cold she’s being.
My ‘full’ sister has also reached out and told me Emma had been going to therapy and has realized that what she did was horrible and that I should consider forgiving her because she was going through a lot of her own issues (depression/low self-esteem) at the time and that my ex also made her suffer a lot too.
Realistically, if she came on the trip, I could just avoid her the entire time, but I also don’t know if she has changed or if she’ll start up her old tricks again. My fiancé is also the one paying for the trip and I selfishly don’t want him to pay for her.
AITJ?
Edit:
1. Did Emma ever apologize?
No.
2. Why are you taking your entire family to Italy?
My fiancé wants to give our families the chance to get to know one another and he hopes they’ll be as close as his parent’s families are.
Also, he thinks I’ll be more comfortable with my family there as well instead of being ‘thrown in the deep end’ with all of his family in a foreign country.
Also, our parents have already met this to meet his extended family (grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins).
3. Does your fiancé know/what is his opinion?
He knows. I moved in with my dad shortly after everything went down and my fiancé was already close friends with my stepbrother so he used to hang out at my dad’s place a lot so he saw the whole aftermath.
He thinks the request is ridiculous but he has said he won’t make the decision for me. My mom hasn’t actually asked him despite threatening to but he has made it clear he’ll make sure she knows he doesn’t want my stepsister there.
4. Why won’t/can’t your mom just come on her own?
This is just an assumption but I think she doesn’t want to face my dad alone, they haven’t had the best relationship after everything that went down.
5. Can’t your stepdad/mom pay for her and you just don’t invite her to the family events?
In theory, yes but we’ll be staying with my fiancé’s family so this may raise uncomfortable questions. If they want to get her a hotel and just not interact with my fiancé’s family the whole time that’s fine with me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She ‘gleefully’ announced she was pregnant with your first fiancée’s baby on the biggest holiday of the year. She took pleasure in ruining your relationship and your holiday. That’s calculated. Even if she’s changing she doesn’t deserve to be back into your life, especially at the convenient time when you are happy and engaged again.
And I also find it more than convenient that suddenly she’s ‘changed’ when there’s a free trip to Italy involved.
Stand your ground. Explain to your family that Emma’s betrayal hurt you to your core and you are not sure if it’s ever going to be forgivable.
Talk about how she slept with your first fiancée and was calculated when she announced the pregnancy and emphasize that your guys meeting your fiancée’s family is important to you and you cannot risk anything going wrong.
She has not proven that she’s trustworthy. And it’s wrong to make your fiancé pay for her trip when you aren’t close to her. This is about the people you love and who are close to meeting his family.
This is NOT about HER. And your family needs to understand that.” rose_glass
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’re trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty for this person to who you’re not even related. You’ve been no contact for six years at this point, and you’re not the one who messed it all up, to begin with.
I’d also like to say because I haven’t seen anyone else comment on this: her mental health is NOT your responsibility. Being in a ‘bad place’ mental-health-wise, such as bad depression and low self-esteem like you mentioned, does not automatically make it so everyone must forgive her for all the wrong that she’s done.
Especially not on a paid vacation. If she truly wants forgiveness, and truly wants a relationship, she’ll reach out and put in the effort, not use your family as pawns to manipulate you into taking her on a trip to Italy that your fiancé pays for.
NTJ.” aggyabby27
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!! Your mom is gaslighting you BAD! I’m sure if you look back you’ll find that she’s been doing this to you for quite a while. This doesn’t happen out of anywhere- she’s trained you to put HER comfort above your own.
If the roles were reversed, would Precious Emma be hounded incessantly to invite you? Most likely not. Your mother, I’m sure you love her but she sounds like a narcissist… gaslighting, emotional abuse, guilting, threatening to basically tattle to your fiancé??! Holy cow!!! What is wrong with your mother? I’m sorry but I’m fuming!
All this to get the woman who slept with your fiancé (happily, I might add) to have his child & never even apologized invited, AND PAID FOR by your current fiancé?? What?! What if she tries to hook up with this fiancé too? She’s obviously jealous that your life is better…
she wants what you have, I’d keep her so far away from my life. Anyone that can’t respect you on this isn’t your family. Screw her. Screw your ‘mom.’ And screw your stepdad.” jenna-tals
17. AITJ For Not Showing Up To Present For A Group Project?
“I have this guy friend, we’ve been close since we were little, but we often argue. rRcently, he’s been meaner and meaner. I brushed it off as ‘boys will be boys’ but it was getting to me.
Also, I’m struggling with depression and the end of the school year was very difficult for me.
Okay so: We were supposed to be working on the final project for this social studies class. I didn’t really understand the premise (because I suck at paying attention and also I’m just dumb) so my friend was kind enough to take the lead with the project while I basically did nothing.
I was very grateful since my mental health was awful and I could barely work for any of my classes if go to them at all. At one point, the teacher asked him (friend) if I was working, and he lied to the teacher to cover me.
Cue to the day of the presentation of said project. As usual, I woke up feeling like trash. but when I scrolled Twitter, I saw that my friend subtweeted about me. It wasn’t anything serious, but I’m sensitive and my already sad morning turned into a really awful morning.
I had most of my classes with him that day; so I decided not to go to class and just rest. Most of my teachers were aware of my trashy mental health, and a good lot of them were understanding.
But, it was presentation day. I didn’t know (because once again, I’m dumb and irresponsible) and after sleeping and waking up, I saw that my friend messaged me saying that the teacher needed me to show up after class to present the project since I wasn’t there.
I didn’t respond, mainly because I still felt awful and didn’t really wanna have to go after school to present some random project that I didn’t understand nor care about. Sometime later that day, my friend sent me another text saying; ‘Hey I know you’re going through it and I respect that and I hope you feel better soon, but I made our entire project and the least you could’ve done was shown up to read a slide.
If you felt too bad to do it you could’ve just told me but you ditched me after I lied to (teacher) for you. Again, I hope you feel better soon but you had a responsibility with this project and you didn’t pull through.’
My morning got ten times worse.
I felt awful. guilty, and also just awful that he would say something like that when he KNOWS how much I’m struggling during the time. I replied saying sorry and told him I should’ve been more aware of my mental state and shouldn’t have worked with him when I was in no position to put in the effort.
I told the teacher that I didn’t work on the project, and told him to please not lower my friend’s grade because of me. After that, my friend and I haven’t talked since.
I apologized already but I think our relationship is too broken to fix now…AITJ?”
EDIT: I wanna clarify I did not know it was presentation day, and I didn’t intentionally skip that class just so my friend had to present alone.”
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ.
You obviously really need therapy and medication to aid your depression, but you did say he took ‘the lead’ of the project and didn’t agree to do it all by himself. It’s often difficult for people who haven’t experienced depression to recognize symptoms versus plain selfishness.
So, yes, he was understandably disappointed by your complete lack of communication despite him trying very hard to ensure you didn’t fail the project. He’s not the jerk for that, nor is he the jerk for expressing his very valid feelings, even if it hurt yours.
Please try to get more serious help for yourself if you can, and feel better soon.” KngLady
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I absolutely understand you, and everyone is different but I would not ever ditch a friend because of my own feelings, especially after what yours have done.
It’s ok to feel guilty/awful it’s just how life is but you should not have others feel bad because of it. If you can’t live for yourself live for others.” Paologame
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for this specifically for me:
‘I felt awful.
guilty, and also just awful that he would say something like that when he KNOWS how much I’m struggling during the time.’
Your friend was EXTREMELY understanding and accommodating to your mental health struggles. He has the full right to confront you about awful things you do, whether due to your mental health or not. You struggling does not give you a free pass to not be criticized I’m afraid.” boschbunny
16. AITJ For Buying My Kids New Nintendo Switches?
“My husband and I have got 3 kids, 4, 7, and 11. All boys, so you can imagine the terror. I’m basically at the end of my rope after months of ‘online learning.’ They’re not learning anything beyond fighting each other and causing messes.
So my husband works really long hours and I’m a stay-at-home mom. The ridiculous thing is that in the past 2 months we’ve spent over $900 JUST buying new Switches. Yep, they keep breaking each other’s consoles in retaliation over other stuff, and as a result, we’ve had to buy 3 new ones just to replace the broken ones.
It’s not perfect and it is ridiculous, but you know what I’m stressed out with all of them home and the Switch is one of few things that keeps them calm and occupied for most of the day.
It’s not perfect but nothing else works after so many months of boredom.
Well, it’s happened again a few nights ago. My youngest broke ANOTHER one (threw it from the second story) and in retaliation, his brother broke his.
Now they’re crying and screaming and I’ve had to go to my husband to tell him we need to buy 2 new ones once again and quickly. He blew up at me and said no, we’re not buying anymore and they can just deal with not gaming.
The thing is I can’t have them not having these things and causing me more trouble. I get that they shouldn’t be repeatedly rewarded for bad behavior, but I also shouldn’t be punished for this when I’m at the end of MY rope too.
My husband doesn’t want to buy anymore but I told him the end result of that is me getting even more work to keep them out of trouble. We’ve been having fights nonstop.
AITJ to want to keep buying Switches even after my kids break them?
Edit: ok yes I obviously do discipline my kids, but anyone who claims parenting during a health crisis is easy is lying.
They’ve been spending most of their days indoors for nearly half a year. None of the parks are open yet where we live and all the summer camps are closed.
There’s only so much I can do to keep them entertained.
Single. Day. Over the past month, they’ve resorted to being destructive after exhausting everything else. So yes while gaming isn’t the ideal activity it keeps them occupied and interested. Nothing else has done the same so far.
My husband also just started a new job this June and right now he has 0 vacation days saved up. I’m just trying to stay sane as a result and I just feel like giving my kid Switches is ok for now even if it’s not the best thing.
Have you ever gotten McDonald’s for a car full of screaming hungry kids? It’s kind of like that. Yes, I can cook them a full, 3-course meal from scratch every night but you try doing that every day after months of stress.
I’m not planning on doing this forever either. Obviously, I won’t be buying new Switches when this is all over and life returns to normal. This whole thing is more like an emergency short-term fix to a very stressful once-in-a-lifetime event.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you’re a bad parent plain and simple.
(And maybe your husband too I didn’t see his involvement either but he does work really long hours so maybe he isn’t there as much) Discipline your children, it works. You’re being punished for not raising them properly.
You’re at home with them all the time. How haven’t you instilled at least a basic respect for each other’s stuff? They’veg ot no value in the things they break and a pushover mom who won’t do anything except buy them off with expensive gifts so you don’t have to interact with them.
Being a SAHM is hard I don’t dispute this but if you aren’t helping them learn, arent teaching them good manners and habits, and aren’t disciplining them, then you aren’t a stay-at-home mom. You’re a stay-at-home wife.” Machanidas
Another User Comments:
“I can only imagine how stressed you are, but let’s be real.
This behavior did not start in 2020. Your kids seem to not understand the value of their possessions, how to handle conflict, or have any sense of consequences. You are now just seeing the extremes of their existing behavior.
But I think this is on both you and your husband. You are buying electronics to avoid disciplining and parenting your children. But you have told your husband that you are at your limit and he hasn’t done anything to help relieve your burden.
I don’t know his circumstances but it’s up to both of you to improve the situation. Whether it’s him working fewer hours, getting extended involvement to help, hiring part-time help, adjusting his schedule, partially working from home, etc.
We are living in crazy times and I imagine your situation as a whole is very difficult but the long-term best interests of your children are not being prioritized and that’s not ok.
Everyone sucks here.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Sounds like you’re only happy to be a stay-at-home mom while the kids are off your hands.
You know you’re giving a poor message, but you keep doing it anyway and are now looking to the interwebs for justification.
Do you think this behavior of yours is going to make things better… well think again. All you’re doing is creating 3 monsters who think (because that’s what mummy taught them) that there are no consequences for bad behavior.
What do you think’s gonna happen as they get older?
The role you took on was to be a parent (I assume no one had a gun to your head), which means doing the tough stuff, which in the long run, will make things easier for you and make them well adjusted, and responsible adults…
That’s what you signed up for when you ditched the contraception.
Now, pull on your big girl pants and get on with the role you chose in life. Stop chucking your husband’s good money after bad behavior and take on the responsibility and accountability you signed up to when you decided you wanted to be a mommy…” Neither_March4000
15. AITJ For Putting My Mental Health Before My School Work?
“I am 14 years old, a freshman in high school this year (young, I know). I have always gotten really good grades and have always tried really hard to stay on top of my schoolwork but recently I have gotten really depressed, I have had no motivation to do any of my work and have really neglected it.
I have done this under the thought process that my mental health is more important than schoolwork but everyone else in my life seems to disagree. Recently my dad got extremely upset and basically told me that I am unfit for the rest of my life if I can’t even get through freshman year.
Was it wrong of me to put something other than the school a priority? Does it make me the jerk?
EDIT: Yes I saw a counselor, there were issues with her and now I don’t see her anymore.
Some people have been asking what was I doing instead of schoolwork, the answer is that I have not really been doing anything at all, just stressing and occasionally doing my hobby. Finally, I was scared to put it in here because the rules on posting were unclear if it counts as violence, but the reason I started trying to stress less about and let go of my schoolwork is because last year I attempted to end my life and this year I felt the stress levels creeping towards there again.
My parents do not know I attempted, they would react poorly if they found out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mental health is really important. But school is too because it can affect what happens after high school.
Take this as an opportunity to be able to function under pressure. When you are an adult you will need to be able to do so even when you don’t feel right. I still struggle doing this sometimes.
The deep desire to do nothing because you feel like crap will get worse if you let it consume you. Take it one day at a time. I did this throughout public school life through a bunch of bullying, physical and verbal.
It worked for me, so I hope it could work for you.” King_Keeper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Therapist here, and I’ve also struggled with depression on a personal level. If your dad actually said you’re unfit for life that was messed up and he’s the jerk for that, you’re absolutely NTJ for being depressed and lacking the motivation to do schoolwork, but that does not mean that dropping your schoolwork is a good idea for your future or your current mental health.
For most people, depression will sap your motivation to do the things you used to find important, and the things you used to enjoy. That doesn’t mean those things stop being important, it just means they will be harder for you to get motivated to do.
The thing is, when you drop the things that used to give you purpose because your depression has sapped your motivation, you are likely to become more depressed because now you’ve got your depression and you stop feeling like you’re moving forward in life.
It’s a vicious cycle, you’re depressed so you stop doing things and wallow in your depression which makes you more depressed.
Now I don’t know enough about your personal situation to tell you whether or not your schoolwork is contributing to your depression.
You might have certain classes or activities that are contributing to your depression that you absolutely should drop. You also said you want to focus on other activities, what specifically are you looking to focus on? Finding a balance between schoolwork and another activity could be a great idea! What I’m worried about though is that you might want to neglect your schoolwork entirely.
I know I hit a similar point in 8th grade, I was extremely depressed, considered taking my life often, only showed up to a few classes a few days a week, neglected almost all of my homework, and basically just stayed home playing video games and watching TV.
By doing this I just became more depressed over time. I only graduated because my mother got pretty involved and I had several teachers who let me make up all the work I missed by doing worksheets at the end of the year, had that not happened I would really be struggling right now.
After I graduated it took me about eight years of work, anti-depressants, and an amazing wife to pull me out of it to the point where I could get my life together.
So I would really not suggest you give up on your schoolwork, at least not yet.
First, try to get into therapy and maybe consider antidepressants. Also, try to talk to your dad about your schoolwork/other activity balance, there’s probably a happy medium between complete focus on schoolwork and dropping it entirely.
Finally, once you are getting some help, you’ll probably have to force yourself to do some things even though you don’t have the motivation to do them. The struggle with depression is breaking that cycle where you have no motivation so you do nothing so you become more depressed.
Often the only way to break the cycle is to force yourself to do things even though you lack the motivation, reflect on how you felt after doing them, and create a new cycle of activity and reflecting on positive feedback.” cannib
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mental health and happiness come first always. That being said I think it’s worthwhile looking into why you don’t have the motivation you used to? Is it because you no longer enjoy those things and have found an interest in a new area, in which case you should try and focus on that.
On the other hand, if you are not enjoying anything, and if you don’t think anything is worth it then I would highly recommend talking to your doctor about this. It could be stress-induced depression or anxiety.
All of that being said there is also a phenomenon amongst high achievers where if they don’t think they can guarantee success they rather not try, cause trying and failing would be harder than not trying at all.
I think you should look into what is happening in your life a bit more than just ‘for my mental health’ cause eventually these things can affect your future and while no one thinks you should compromise on your happiness and mental health you should try for something and enjoy something.
EDIT: you could also just be burnt out and regardless of the reason maybe try and talk to someone who is gonna be able to actually help.” gnewsha
14. AITJ For Getting Mad At A Pregnant Co-Worker?
“Yesterday, everyone was working until late because of a project that had to be submitted earlier than expected.
I and the other team leaders decided to get everyone coffee because they were all working so hard.
We noted down everyone’s specifications and went to get coffee for them. One of my co-workers had asked for brown sugar in her coffee but there was apparently no brown sugar available at the coffee shop so I just got a few sachets of brown sugar from a convenience store and the coffee of her choice without sugar separately.
I thought she could add it if she wanted.
When we got back to the office, we started handing everyone their coffees. One of the other team leaders handed the coffee and sugar sachets separately to the lady who had asked for the brown sugar coffee.
She started telling him that he ruined her coffee by getting a sugarless one. I immediately went over and explained to her that we didn’t know if it was an allergy or a religious thing (white sugar contains bone char) so we got the sugar and the coffee separately.
She refused to listen and threatened to complain to HR that she was facing discrimination because of being a woman.
I got irritated and told her that there were other women in the office and we ensured to get everyone’s order correct and that discrimination is a very big accusation and a false one at that.
She started crying and started calling me names. I asked her to go to HR and not to create a scene where everyone else was watching.
My wife said that since the co-worker was pregnant, she may have been a bit emotional and that I shouldn’t hold it against her.
However, I feel like if she’s not able to control her behavior in a professional setting, she shouldn’t be coming to work at all.
AITJ?
Edit: she’s about 4 months pregnant. I don’t know exactly how many weeks but going by her baby bump, she’s probably around 4 months in.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- This behavior is probably because she’s pregnant.
People here like to pretend pregnancy doesn’t cause you to be a jerk, but it inevitably does at least once, or twice. The hormones are crazy! But that doesn’t make it okay lol. Pregnant people still have to face the consequences of being jerks.
She was being a jerk, you called her out. It’s not like you drop-kicked her fetus or something in retaliation. I was very mean during my first pregnancy and the last trimester of my 2nd.
When I hurt people’s feelings, I owned up to it and apologized. When I acted irrationally, I understood when I got flack for it. Being somewhat of an irrational jerk is the name of the game with pregnancy, but accepting responsibility for your behavior regardless of the reason is the name of the game with being an adult.” LittleCatWolf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she could have been a hormonal mess but should have told her they didn’t have brown sugar so had to buy it elsewhere.
Her being pregnant is no excuse for her behavior, if she can not control herself and think she can yell at you and call you guys names, then she needs to report to management for her behavior.
If she is going to be that emotional at work, and unsweetened coffee is going to set her off, maybe she does need to stay home. Also just because of size can’t go by that for how far along she is.
In my last pregnancy, I was pushing 8 months along and people thought I was only 4 or 5 months along. But as my daughter was less than 7 lbs at birth I was small during my pregnancy.” Awkward_Joke_5748
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If ‘pregnancy hormones’ make her so irrational that she is accusing people of discrimination because she had to put her own sugar in her coffee then she needs to be locked up until the baby is born. There is no excuse for that behavior in a professional setting. I would get HR involved on your behalf because she needs to be talked to about making false allegations.” RedditDK2
13. AITJ For Not Saying "I Love You" To My Daughter?
“My youngest daughter is 22. Whenever she calls, she ends her calls with, ‘Love you.’ And I say, ‘You too.’
At our last talk, right when we were about to get off the line, she asked, ‘Why don’t you ever say I love you back?’ I told her, ‘Because meaningful love is shown through actions.’
And she said, ‘I want you to say it.’ And I said, ‘Sweetie, you can’t force me to say it.’ Then she said, ‘Then I guess I won’t talk to you again until you’re ready.’
I thought she was joking, but when I walked into the living roo today, my wife was on the phone with her, and she said, ‘Wait, hun, your Dad just walked in’ and she said that she didn’t want to talk to me unless I said I loved her.
Even my wife laughed because listen…
Nobody on my side of the family says I love you. My parents never said it to my siblings and I, my biological uncles and aunts don’t say it, and my grandparents don’t say it.
They would say things like, ‘I’m proud of you’, ‘You make me so happy’, ‘I’m so glad you’re my child’, ‘I don’t know what I would do without you’ and so on. All things I’ve told my children growing up.
We believe that love is a given and shown through actions.
So I get awkward when girls would say it and expect me to say it back (I never did). I never said I love you to my wife or any of my 4 daughters and 3 sons or anybody in my whole life.
But what I think is that my older children grew up when a lot of my side of the family were still alive, so they understood where I got it from.
My youngest daughter mostly grew up around my wife’s family who says ‘I love you’ all the time.
Still, some people might say, ‘Oh, just say it – it won’t cost you anything’ but to me, it will. It was cheap for me. By saying it, it would feel to me that all the love I’ve shown to her through my actions over the years was meaningless.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Saying it absolutely does not cheapen your previous actions, that doesn’t even begin to make sense. Nothing you say now can take away the love that you’ve shown her in the past.
However, refusing to understand her feelings, or being unwilling to bend on something that is technically trivial, is selfish and childish of you. It may not mean anything to you but it clearly means a lot to her.
I understand where you’re coming from, I grew up with a mother that said ‘I love you’ so often it lost all meaning.
But I also grew up with a father that hardly said it all, because he also grew up in a household where it wasn’t the norm.
I assure you, I would’ve preferred a healthy balance between the two of them. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you may not want to acknowledge the negative impact it had on you growing up.
The fact that you get uncomfortable when other people say I love you to you isn’t a good or healthy thing, it’s the type of thing people work on in therapy.” User
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ – Different people have different love languages, and that’s true in family relationships as much as it is in romantic relationships.
You and your daughter have different love languages – hers is ‘words of affirmation’ and yours is probably ‘acts of service.’ Neither is better or worse than the other.
You aren’t the jerk for expressing love in your own way up until now, but your daughter is telling you that she needs you to also express love in the way that she is best able to understand it.
The thing that makes you the jerk is you digging your heels in rather than saying you love your daughter.
It’s only awkward because you aren’t used to it – it’s going to feel really awkward the first couple of times, but as you start to say it more, it’ll get easier.
I’m sure there are other people in your life who would also appreciate hearing that from you, like your wife and your other children.
I think if you don’t learn to tell your daughter you love her, that’s something she will carry with her forever.
It also may end up being something you regret when you’re older.” robot428
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
While you say it in actions, or supposedly, it’s not the same as those three simple words. Those three words are some of the most powerful in the world and mean so much for people to hear them as they validate they are loved.
For you not to ever say them is troubling. Don’t blame your side of the family, that is a cop-out. You are your own person and capable of opening your mouth and speaking it.
While you think your actions speak for them, it might not be the case and they might not get it. To hear it will speak more than just those three words.
It will not cheapen them, that’s just a weasely way to skirt around saying them.
There is nothing cheap about expressing in words how you feel. Is it worth the price of your daughter not hearing them and her wanting nothing to do with you because of it? That’s what you’re looking at.
Grow up and just say it.” ThatMater
12. AITJ For Not Paying To Fix My Mom's Car?
“I (21f) have not lived with my mom for 5 years. I moved out of the house at 16 because the house was a mess and she had bedbugs. But because I moved out, I still needed to use her car to drive to school.
So I would pick her up, drive her to work, drive to school, drive to pick her up, and drive home. There would also be times when she would pick me up and drop me at home.
Well, once I got into a car accident with her car in the parking lot of our apartments. There was A LOT of ice and I accidentally took a corner too wide (this is my first year driving).
I accidentally hit a car that also slid on ice and all that my mom’s car had was cosmetic damage. Granted the cosmetic damage was pretty bad in the front nothing was ACTUALLY wrong with it.
She never filed an insurance claim, never got it fixed, etc. At 17 I got my own car so I didn’t really see her besides during holidays. Now 5 years later she’s been telling everyone that I owe her a lot to fix her car.
She got this impression from her partner who has a bad reputation saying I caused the damage so I should fix it. When they originally made a comment about it I shut it down immediately but they are still talking about how I owe them ‘a lot’.
Keep in mind all I did was cosmetic. She has been ruining the car by not giving it oil changes and coolant in a timely manner, not fixing a motor issue in the passenger window, or fixing the power seat (it’s like really far back and we are both short).
I absolutely refuse to pay her anything for that car because I had to support my own life by moving in with a 27-year-old man when I was 16 because she basically neglected me and I knew at least he would help me and keep me in a clean environment.
I was also underage so that puts another thing on it. I never got a ticket for the car accident so I wasn’t the only one at fault (I was never told who was but I know she didn’t get a ticket either) and I just don’t think she has any interest in ACTUALLY fixing her car.
So AITJ? Edit: I also want to say she knows I’m prepping to start college next year so all the money I’m currently TRYING to save up is going towards that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The only person who WOULD have owed her is the insurance – that’s literally what car insurance is for.
If you would’ve been asked to be responsible for the DEDUCTIBLE when it was filed, FIVE YEARS AGO, it would be a completely different conversation. But some new guy coming in and trying to prey on you for moolah for this super old accident is a hard no.
yYou don’t owe her squat, and I’d tell her so. Firmly.” ur-humble-overlord
Another User Comments:
“Light ‘everyone sucks here’, but I can’t get over the fact they are claiming to be a victim after 5 years and are now complaining you didn’t pay for it.
They should’ve been the adult and let it go. It’s a slippery slope…
Light ‘everyone sucks here’ because you should’ve taken action the moment it happened and dealt with it like an adult would. You slipped on ice and made some damage I don’t know if insurance can help you due to bad weather.
They are the jerks for hanging this above your head while they could’ve called you out for it much earlier and taken the right steps. Crying out now is just trashy.” ToastAbrikoos
Another User Comments:
“NTA.
you were underage and your mother was there. If she’d asked for money at the time it might be more debatable, but she asked for it years later at the promoting of some money-hungry creepy dude, so no, don’t give her a dime.” Open-Possibility-723
11. AITJ For Threatening To Call The Cops?
“I’m a volunteer at a church and we have a basketball court. We let anyone use it. There’s a guy that has been coming to play and I never see him attend sermons. I go up to him and start talking.
I ask if he is a member of the church and he said no I’m not a Christian. I ask him if he would like to attend. He said no thanks I don’t believe in God.
I asked why are you here. He responded just to play. I told since he is not a Christian or a member of the church I told him to leave. He asked why because he is just playing and leaving.
We argued a bit and he said if you don’t leave I’ll have to call the cops. He said some mean things to me and left.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Not only did you contradict your ‘everybody plays’ philosophy, but you were also completely un-Christian in your behavior.
One of the most basic Christian beliefs is to love thy neighbor. There’s no asterisk on that that says to only love those who believe the same as you. It’s just ‘love thy neighbor.’ That’s it.
Simple as that.
Another tenant is the idea that “God will come again to judge the living and the dead.’You’re not god so stop judging others and acting like it’.” Ok-Mode-2038
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As a member of a Christian community, when we say ‘all are welcome’ we mean it.
Christian or not. You are welcome, and you are safe, in our church, our grounds. Struggling with finances? Come for a hot meal, you don’t have to believe what we believe but fill your stomach.
Tempted by the sounds of us having outdoor games and activities? Join in, doesn’t matter who you are!
You need to study to Bible properly. Learn what it means to be Christian. We aren’t dictators, we don’t decide who is or isn’t safe.
The guy was playing ball, not loitering near your back door with a crowbar.” bevstarr92
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Way to not live up to the tenants of your faith. This person had, at worst, a neutral attitude towards your Church.
Now he has a negative view of it because apparently, you don’t see the hypocrisy of saying ‘We let anyone play’ when what you really meant was ‘We only let our brand of Christian play’.
If you had shown him compassion, he might’ve come around to your way of thinking. Or maybe not. Even atheists can volunteer to help. You had an opportunity to show this person what Christians are supposed to be, but instead, you showed him what your Church really is: an exclusive club. I think you really need to reexamine what your faith really means when you interact with people who don’t believe the same things you do.” SyntheticGod8
10. AITJ For Not Doing My Part In The Group Project?
“I was in university. I had made it into my final year of uni when I had a breakdown. In response, I was referred to the CMHT (center for addition and mental health) and I was trialed on a number of different antipsychotics in the space of a few months.
I ended up doing a group project. There were about 4 of us in the group. We split up the work equally so we each had our own part to do. From what I remember I just couldn’t write more than a paragraph for this group project.
In the end, someone else from the group ended up getting angry at me shouting at me then just writing it herself.
Two weeks later I was hospitalized due to my mental health and I left the university to work on getting better.
I never actually got any grades for the third year (I never managed to complete a single module). But I always felt bad that I didn’t do my part in that group project.
When this occurred I was just in a bad place mentally.
I really shouldn’t have been there at all. The medication they were trying me on made it so I couldn’t concentrate. I was struggling to read. I didn’t manage to do any of my third-year assignments.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Don’t beat yourself up over this. You had a health emergency. This is no different than if you had been in a car accident and missed the assignment.
I’m assuming the team member who yelled at you didn’t know about the situation? (If they did, then they’d be the jerk).
I hope you’re taking care of yourself and in a better headspace now.
If you are holding onto any guilt over this 10 years later, that’s not good for your mental health, and you might find it helpful to talk to a counselor about how to let stuff like this go.” Jenh66
Another User Comments:”
No jerks here.
Mental health always comes first in order to be healthy and productive. It’s crazy how most of the world doesn’t understand that.” LadyPundit
Another User Comment:
“No jerks here. You were in a mental health crisis.
Don’t blame yourself for that. I understand why your group member was mad and she shouldn’t have yelled at you, ideally. I don’t think she’s a jerk because I doubt you disclosed your mental health status to the group. Hope you’re in a better place mentally now, OP.” mckinnos
You can have many reasons for bot submitting .... but when you let down your group you let down your group.
There's a few missing pieces. The big one for me is this - why would you be attending university when you are unable to do the work? You are wasting the money of the person who is paying this ( self /family /government) as well as the time of your profs and the other students who have bent over backwards to be there and who are committed.
9. AITJ For Calling Into Work During An Emotional Breakdown?
“I’m diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder, and I’ve already had one panic attack at work this month.
My life’s been really hectic for the past month or so, more so than it already has been this year.
Without going into detail, there’s been a lot of chaos going on in my family life, education, and financial stability, on top of the fact that the month of August itself holds some emotional baggage for me.
Basically, if 2020’s been a trainwreck, August is someone coming around and lighting the wreckage on fire.
Sometimes you just wake up and the day’s a complete write-off. That was today for me. I woke up this morning feeling completely drained and just stressed beyond belief.
I wasn’t completely broken down at that moment, just felt awful. After a while of being up, I started catastrophizing about my situation, which is when you keep overthinking things to the point you convince yourself only the worst can happen.
I felt myself spiraling, and while I still had some kind of grip, I realized that I probably wouldn’t be able to work today since I’d just be useless, so I knew I had to call in, but I didn’t think my manager would accept ‘I’m having some kind of breakdown’ as an excuse to miss work so I was trying to think of something similar that he might accept (I know, lying’s pretty awful, but my manager at my last job yelled at me for calling in during Hurricane Harvey so I figured a breakdown wouldn’t be a good enough excuse if a natural disaster wasn’t).
I eventually settled on either a family or personal emergency, can’t remember exactly which, though honestly both are true right now anyway.
So I finally just decided I had to work up the nerve to notify my manager that I wouldn’t be able to work like this and called him, while still crying.
He answered the phone and I told him my excuse through sobs, and then he just scoffed and said ‘You know, you’re really putting me in a bind here. You know you’re supposed to call 2 hours in advance.
(I actually didn’t know this but realized after the call that I had done that) I’ll see you tomorrow, but expect a write-up,’ which did not help at all.
I called at 9:30, and I didn’t stop crying until about 2.
This is the first time I’ve ever called in at this job, aside from the times where the manager scheduled me on days I explicitly asked for off 2 weeks in a row and I still came in to finish off my shift afterward both times and even stayed late the first time.
I still feel really guilty about it, though. And like an idiotic jerk, exaggerating and crying wolf when there’s nothing really wrong. The way he talked to me over the phone made me feel like I was doing him some sort of great inconvenience by daring to have symptoms of my illnesses that I couldn’t just shove down and muscle through.
I understand that it’s hard when an employee calls out and you have to scramble to find someone to cover them, but I feel like his response was a little too callous.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
From a human perspective, obviously don’t go to work when you’re in that state, take care of yourself and try your best tomorrow. From a productivity perspective, it doesn’t sound like you would have been able to do your job well while you were in that state anyway, so you calling out shouldn’t have been a major deal as long as wherever you work doesn’t staff only you.
Also: saying that you had a personal emergency isn’t a lie. I’ve seen many people call attacks of that magnitude medical emergencies, and that’s totally valid because they are emergencies directly affecting your health.
Anxiety sucks. Please give yourself space to be a human, and I hope you’re feeling better.” binf–bird
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A mental health emergency is a completely valid reason to call in sick. And it’s not like you can plan these in advance. Your boss was just on a power trip.
Take care of yourself.” Jenh66
8. WIBTJ For Not Giving My Friend What He Won?
“I (23M) have two friends, Sam (23M) and Kat (24F), not real names. Sam and Kat are going out and have been for 6 years now.
Sam has a gambling addiction, mostly just with lotto tickets.
Kat and my SO are best friends, while I know Sam has mentioned he ‘somewhat’ has a lottery ticket addiction, I don’t know to any extent. My girl was telling me that it was a huge sore/ tension between Kat and Sam.
Sam lost his job and has been depending on Kat and her minimum wage job to support both of them. Kat has mentioned that the money between them is very tight, they both have student loan payments starting again and car payments.
Finances have been so tight that they weren’t able to hang out for campfires or social activities because they live 30mins away from the city (we live in Canada where restrictions are more relaxed).
Anyway, Sam has been secretly buying lottery tickets every week totaling $12 a week for 5 months now. When Kat found out she was livid, she found his most recent ticket while looking in his jeans.
Kat was so mad she went and met with my girl and talk about it. She gave my SO his lottery ticket because she was ‘done with his addiction’ (meaning she’s making him quit or she’s dumping him) my SO gave the ticket to me as she doesn’t want to touch gambling (both her parents ruined their lives by gambling) and low and behold I got the ticket.
I later found out last Friday that Sam’s ticket had 5/7 matching numbers. Because of this, his ticket won 3k.
I didn’t want to be shady or a trashy friend, so I told Kat about the ticket winning, she was even madder that his ticket won because she told me in her eyes, it was only going to worsen his addiction, she explicitly told me to keep the ticket and never give it to Sam.
Well, Sam overheard her telling me and they had a big fight. Kat told Sam that if he takes the money she dumps him and he needs to move out. Sam told me to give me his ticket as he was the one who bought it.
I like both of them and my SO wanted no involvement to do with this. Half of my friends say just take the moolah, while the other half say give it to Sam. One of my friends says I should donate the money, Kat was okay with that idea, but Sam still says that it’s his money and he doesn’t want it donated.
To be honest, I’m struggling with finances myself right now, the 3k would fix my car issues and lift a huge burden of never knowing if my car will die the next time I use it.
I do think it’s fair that Sam bought the ticket, he should get the moolah. But Kat said she’ll never forgive me, while Kat and my SO are best friends. So WIBTJ if I keep the moolah and let Sam go nuclear?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ or YWBTJ.
Simply, it is his money. He bought the ticket, the ticket was taken from him. The morality of the situation is irrelevant. We do not get a say in what another adult does with their money.
Regardless of how we feel about it or if it is hurting them in the long run.
The ticket was stolen from him and u need to give it back. If your SO is really going to break up with you over another couple’s issues, then your relationship is already pretty fragile.
Do the right thing and don’t let your girl put you in the middle of someone else’s relationship drama in the future.” Chimom315
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve seen and known lottery ticket addicts and I can tell you, there’s nothing sadder than watching a man on the last of his money scratching away at a ticket with a look of desperate hope only to find it to be a loss once again.
He NEEDS to get out of that habit, and helping him through it is the best way for him to get out of that rut, give him other things to scratch, just to feel that satisfaction of removing paint or something, or get him to use those lottery apps that give free online coins rather than actual moolah.” TheIronTemplar
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
It’s a tricky situation. I don’t think he should get the money because his addiction will significantly worsen, more so than it has from him finding out already. Either way, someone will be hurt in this situation.
Maybe give the moolah to his SO in the understanding that she will immediately put it towards their debt/other outstanding bills. Maybe see if she can even use the whole thing to pay off part of his student loans, that way it still benefits him even if he didn’t get to spend it whichever way he wanted.
I mean he already knows that he won, so the damage is already there, you guys just need to figure out the best way to keep him from blowing through that money on his own – which it’s likely he almost certainly would from what I hear.” dancingtigers
7. AITJ For Answering My Little Cousin's Questions About Veganism?
“Three years ago, after I watched the documentary ‘Earthlings’, I decided to go vegan. Before watching the documentary, I had no idea how bad factory farming really was. I respect everybody’s dietary choices and I never bring up my own diet unless asked about it.
Ever since I became vegan, I’ve always wished that I knew the facts about factory farming at an earlier stage in my life. However, I realize that diet is a sensitive topic and I don’t want to be seen as judgmental.
Because of this, I won’t talk about my personal beliefs unless somebody asks me about my diet.
A few days ago, my family and I had a picnic together. There were plenty of vegan options, so I was happy as a clam at high tide.
My little cousin, who is seven years old, commented that I never ate any meat and he asked me why. I told him that I chose not to eat any meat or animal byproducts.
He asked me why I chose to do this and I told him that I found factory farming to be cruel. I also said that some meat is raised more humanely than others, but because the majority of animals are raised cruelly, I found it to be more convenient to avoid all meat altogether.
After hearing this, my little cousin asked me how animals are raised and I told him about how most of them are kept in cramped and uncomfortable environments. I also told him that the slaughtering process is often cruel, causing the animals to feel fear and pain.
Throughout this discussion, I made sure to start my sentences using ‘I feel…’ or ‘In my perspective…’ to make it clear to him that my views were only my views. However, I did not do this when citing facts instead of opinions.
Today my aunt (who is also my cousin’s mom) called me and complained that my cousin now wanted to be a vegan. She said that this was troublesome to her because cooking dinner and shopping would take more effort.
She also told me that I shouldn’t have explained veganism to my cousin because he was too young to understand morality and it might confuse him. After I apologized to her, she told me that I should tell my cousin that I am only vegan for my health and that he shouldn’t feel guilty about eating meat.
I’m torn on this because I really feel bad about causing all this trouble for my aunt, but I also feel like my little cousin’s dietary choices should be respected, as long as he eats healthily.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Small YTJ. (Coming from a vegan)
The trouble with explaining factory farming to a small child is that it’s a very one-dimensional view of a situation that they’re not old enough to understand as a whole yet.
The other issue is that you inadvertently caused consequences that you don’t have to deal with – if/when he throws tantrums at mealtimes, overeating the food his parents give him or refuses to eat, or if his parents have to shell out for meatless alternatives at his request.
You could have given him a generic answer to his question – something along the lines of ‘I’m a vegan because I like animals too much to eat them’, or another equally basic/neutral answer.
Your answer was far too biased: it’s like if he asked you why you were a Christian, and you graphically described what “the hot basement” was, and said that you believed that all non-Christians would go there when they pass away.
Next time, answer neutrally and tell them to ask their parents about it.
Edit: I am a vegan, by the way. I feel like I have an adequate grasp of what factory farming is. These are just my thoughts about respect for the parents in this situation, and encouraging children to discuss rather than blindly believe what they’re being told.” stormscaper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He asked real questions and you gave the child appropriate real answers. What were you supposed to do? Blatantly lie to him when he asked direct and curious questions? I completely get where your aunt is coming from through.
Maybe offer her help with meal planning and whatnot for him, perhaps this could turn into some family bonding in the kitchen instead of a rift. Nothing wrong with lots of fruits and veggies.
At the end of the day though this is just a young one learning about a different way of eating/living. It’s up to your aunt how to deal with it, and you have no obligation to retract statements or say things that don’t align with your beliefs.
Children get exposed to realities and differences in people. It is a parent’s job to choose how they want to navigate that.” AllSheWas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If your aunt truly believes there’s nothing wrong with eating meat then why would she be worried about you explaining the process?
You were honest about how meat is made, and your cousin has made a moral choice based on how he feels about that.
If she wants to explain to him that eating meat is justified for X, Y, and Z reasons, she’s free to. However, she knows it’s not right, which is why she wants to put the burden on you to dissuade your cousin, rather than take responsibility for justifying it herself.
If anyone asks me why I am vegan, I will be 100% honest about it. I would tone it down to be age-appropriate around children, but I am not going to lie about it.
Like I said, if people believe there’s nothing wrong with eating meat then there’s no need to hide the facts from their kids.
Perhaps you could go back to your aunt and explain that you’re not able to lie about your moral values, but let her know you’d be happy to recommend some easy vegan recipes for the whole family (to which she could add meat for the others if she really feels the need).” paperpangolin
well.. it's not your place to tell someone else's child about how animals are treated so they feel guilty and become vegan. I feel the whole pushing veganism thing is what turns people off more than anything else. Good for you. Keep it to yourself and don't expect everyone else to cater to you. I'm a parent so I would be LIVID if someone did this to.my child. She's extremely sensitive and would throw a fit (sob her eyes out) if I didn't comply after hearing this. I'm sorry if I come off as a jerk but you were so out of line with this. Especially with it being a small child.
6. AITJ For Giving More Money To My Child With Grandkids Than My Other Child?
“I’m 52 and a mom of two adult children. I raised my two kids, Mike and June by myself almost their entire lives. Mike is 31 and June is 29. Mike has three children whereas June isn’t interested in having children.
I was lucky to always work in the family business so we didn’t struggle as much as other single-parent households do. My dad passed when my kids were in their early 20s and left behind a considerable amount for me.
My daughter-in-law and I are very close so I see a lot of Mike’s children. They’re angels and I love to play the doting grandma role. My daughter-in-law’s mother passed away so it means a lot to her that the kids are close to the one grandma they have.
Mike and his wife aren’t in a terrible financial position, they’re just two 30-somethings raising 3 kids so there isn’t a lot to throw around.
It makes my heart happy to give Mike and his wife moolah which is intended for the children.
Nothing incredibly extravagant, just small things like paying for skating class, gymnastics class, season passes to the amusement park (unfortunately not this year), and new bikes. I always talk to Mike and my daughter-in-law first and if they’re okay with it, I love to spoil the grandchildren.
This was never a secret to June but also wasn’t something I wanted to outright mention, I didn’t want to seem like I was shaming Mike and his family. But when June found out she was VERY unhappy with it.
She said it’s unfair that I give more to Mike and his family than I do to her. She said she doesn’t necessarily want funds or gifts but she wants things to be 50/50 with her and her brother.
The argument that has really driven a wedge between my kids is that I favor Mike by giving him more moolah. I’ve pointed out that it’s not like I’m gifting Mike a brand new TV for himself or anything like that.
On birthdays/Xmas, Mike and June get similarly valued gifts. But she feels it’s unfair that thousands more go to Mike’s family over hers.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but make adjustments and acknowledge your daughter’s objections. June thinks you like Mike better because he has a family.
In reality, you love both kids the same, plus you love DIL and grandkids.
Make gifts to Mike and June as equal as possible. BUT you should remain free to make gifts to grandkids or DIL as you see fit.
It’s very understandable that you connect with DIL. You are both moms and she is raising your grandkids. Her mom has passed and you probably fill that role for DIL at times (shopping etc).
If June has a partner and begins to complain that you are not treating them the same, explain that June’s partner doesn’t go shopping with you and doesn’t have the same relationship.
Treat your kids as equally as possible (give June or June/partner $100 for a night out as often as you do Mike), but make sure your daughter understands that Mike isn’t the only person in his family that you love” poyorick
Another User Comments:
“You don’t think about your daughter’s needs.
You don’t care about her because Mike has kids.
You also like Mike’s wife more than your own daughter. It shows up here… Sure It will show up even more to your daughter.
You also hide from her all of the ‘help’ you give to Mike and his wife.
Because deep inside you KNOW it’s unfair. And you’re trying to make this HER fault.
Classes and stuff for the grandkids? It’s ok. But paying nice dates for them while babysitting? You’re saying very loud that Mike deserves more in life and deserves to be more comfortable because he has kids.
She’s also single… Do you consider without having someone to share expenses she’s swimming in a pool of moolah? You don’t care about her as much, and you don’t want to admit it. On all of this time, she didn’t even ASK YOU FOR MONEY.
So, as June said, ca-ching-ching is not the problem. Mike (I hope) is not also asking for it, but it’s the fact that YOU WANT TO GIVE THEM EVERYTHING, then the amount.
YTJ. Go to your pretty daughter-in-law you love so much.
Just don’t complain and pretend you don’t know why your own daughter resents you. Love is something that should be earned with actions. And you’re screwing up big time since a lot.” KatEyes1990
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, OP.
The comments about you guilting your daughter into having kids are ridiculous- you’re not saying ‘If you want more from me, then have kids’, you’re just telling her that if she did have kids you’d be treating them the same as Mike’s kids.
Which is totally reasonable!
It sounds like your daughter is asking for an equal division of your resources, rather than an equitable one, and I think too often people see ‘fairness’ as being the former instead of the latter (equal meaning that everyone gets the same amount, while equity is distributing based on needs).
She’s old enough to know better- my 7-year-old gets this concept. Don’t whine at me about ‘it’s not faaaaair’ when your brother gets new shoes because he outgrew his and you didn’t.
Now, if she were struggling financially and watching you spend a lot on gifts and all for her brother and his kids, I could understand her being hurt.
It would still be your right to spend your coins as you please, of course, but I won’t pretend my opinion wouldn’t change if she were barely scraping by while you paid for Mike’s date nights.
It does sound like there’s a good chance that what she really wants is your time and affection, though, so that may be something to consider. Would it be possible for you to plan some activities for just you and your daughter to spend some quality time together?
(Also, I love that you seem to have such a strong relationship with your daughter in law; my own mother in law is one of my favorite people and I love to hear about others who manage to have a positive relationship.)” Platypus211
5. AITJ For Tipping After Bad Service?
“So I have a system for tipping, I start at 15%, the tip will go up if the service is great (check-ins, refills, nice/funny (each is about 5%)) but the same way the tip will go down.
Mix 0% and max 30%, also I will always tip the price of anything given or credited to us for ANY reason (had a hair in my food saw it in front of the waiter so there was no way it was faked, just pointed it out and removed it, the credited the entire meal so I left a cash tip of what our bill would have been plus tip to the rounded-up coins I had).
Let’s say the person was great but never came to give us refills ever after checking on us and asking for refills. To help the waiter out I order water to give to my ex as she will drink it fast.
We were at Chili’s last week post break up and the guy was funny and friendly, the guy took the order and kept making jokes. The Texas cheese fries came out perfectly, my drink took a while, no worries so far.
The young lady who brought the food, I nicely asked her for something that was not put on the order, not a big deal happens. The guy comes back and checks in, I ask for refills, nicely, but not on the margarita.
He said he will be right back, this is where it goes off the great service, he never brought the drinks. After 20 minutes he brings the terminal for us to pay and says he forgot about the drinks, he asks about dessert and asks if we still want the drinks, and I politely say, yes.
He was kinda rude and acted annoyed that I still wanted my drinks.
So it came time to tip… I gave him 10%, drinks were a fail, friendly/funny was a wash, and check-ins I just gave it to him).
My now ex, she gave me her card to pay and I would Venmo my part (not 50% as mine was higher). I tipped 10% and had the receipt emailed to her. We went shopping at Walmart (I hate that place and will never go back, but that’s a different story) and she was figuring out what I needed to Venmo her, she got really annoyed that I tipped him and wanted me to pay for it, so I did and she is still upset that I took extra moolah from her.
(This was completely out of character for her).
Am I the jerk? Is it wrong that I am not happy about the interaction?
Major edit: Tipping is 3 simple questions, that are not based on the quality of the food or issues with making it.
-How was the waiter? Excellent +5, okay, bad -5
-Where are drinks refilled? Excellent +5, okay, bad -5
-Was it enjoyable? Excellent +5, okay, bad -5
I think 80-90% of the time it is great or okay, resulting in 80-90% of the tips being 20-25%.
2) There was a typo, the break up was NOT bad, we are still friends and after 8+ years have a lot of stuff to untangle
3) TIPPING (System or its amount) WAS NOT THE QUESTION…
It was, was I an ass for tipping on her card when we are splitting it when she knows that I have a system for tipping
4) I can count on one hand where I have left 0-5% tip, and I have happily tipped 150+ as well as where I go a lot and get free things to add the cost of that to the tip.
5) If I have a bad experience I will not come back… I don’t keep going to places where the service is awful.
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – you tipped how you normally would.
Your friend apparently would have refused to tip because she received bad service – that is understandable as well. You both should have communicated on how much you each wanted to tip as you were paying for your own.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Honestly IDK how you manage to manage your whole algorithm. The fact that ur ex didn’t think you should tip at all is weird and rude. You got your service. Maybe go for 15% since you were mildly annoyed about the drinks.
I usually go 15% if I get annoyed and 20% if I’m fine, and maybe 25% if they went above and beyond. But never less than 15, if they are so incompetent you can speak to a manager to get another server or something.
The thing about tipping culture is that we as customers benefit from this because we have artificially low plate prices.
The restaurant is using you to subsidize their labor costs so they can give you a $10 burger instead of a $12 burger and then they in turn pay their servers $5/hr instead of $20.
If you don’t tip, you are actively abusing the system IMO. You are taking advantage of the social contract that we all agreed on implicitly: we see $10 on the menu but in reality, it costs 12 (20% tip).
It’s just how it is and I’m tired of people thinking it’s ok to not tip because they didn’t have exceptional service. It’s not paying for the service it’s just like a tax on ur burger IMO.
Anything above the customary 20% is for the service. Anything below is taking your own discount off your bill.” amandapandab
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, servers rely so much on tips to make up for their pitiful paychecks, and then if they have to tip share.
Yeah it was bad service and the server may have not done very well, but you still chose two and didn’t have to. Now no clue why you broke up over your ex not wanting to tip.
Some of those servers also have to pre bus a table after the people leave. Even if I had horrible service I have to leave a tip, my two children who work at a Texas Roadhouse would flip and then go on about tipping if I didn’t.” Awkward_Joke_5748
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Definitely tip your waiter, you never know what’s going on in their life. Their tips are their wages, they make diddly squat without tips. Like 2 dollars and change as an hourly wage. Sad.
Your tipping system… you gotta ditch it and get off your high horse. I take it that you have never worked in the restaurant industry before and she seems to be in the same boat as you… and yet somehow, I hate to say this, you’re better than her because you actually left a tip, a terrible one, but you did.
Shameful and degrading.
Maybe don’t go out to eat anymore if it’s going to be a game for you both, and if you do and the waiter or waitress upsets you that much, you should ask to speak to the manager… if it really is that bad.
(Sometimes those situations occur, rarely, but they do)
Being upset about having to pay half of a 10% tip… eeek… she shouldn’t have gone out to eat if budget was/is an issue.
You both suck.” rosebudink3
4. AITJ For Refusing To Go Out In Public With My Wife When She Won't Wear A Bra?
“I’ve been married for almost 20 years. Lately, my wife has started to go out in public braless. She’ll wear a t-shirt and it leaves almost nothing to the imagination. She complains that it’s not comfortable to wear a bra and it’s too hot outside.
I don’t care if she goes braless in the house but out in public is a different story. Most people don’t want to see a middle-aged woman’s bosom bouncing around in a store. The ones who do are looking at her in an inappropriate manner.
I’m embarrassed to be seen with her bra-free. I’m constantly worried that I’m going to run into people I know. She’s spent her whole life wearing a bra in public and never had a problem before.
Last weekend we went to Walmart and it was obvious the cashier was staring at her. I don’t like the idea of people staring at my wife’s chest. I told her I won’t go out in public with her anymore if she doesn’t wear a bra.
It would be more comfortable for me to wear my bra in public too but there’s social etiquette. She believes it’s her body and her right to not wear a bra. I think it’s selfish.
I don’t see how wearing a bra can be that uncomfortable. Almost all women wear bras in public. tl;dr lately wife refuses to wear the bra in public. I refuse to be seen in public with her if she doesn’t.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
As a woman with a larger chest, I understand your position and bras can be uncomfortable especially if you are not wearing ones that match your size. Your wife can wear what she likes and technically you are in no position to police her but that doesn’t mean you cannot be uncomfortable with it.
There is something like social etiquette and contrary to the popular opinion that a woman’s chest is a natural human body part. I don’t understand the idea that a woman’s chest is something that no one should care about and to those who do you clearly don’t understand evolution, biology, and selection.
I know men look at a woman’s bosom in an inappropriate way and people should stop trying to shame that. That also means that it will make some partners uncomfortable having their wife oogled at and honestly your wife should have a little more sympathy for your position.
If this post was about a guy wearing shorts where his junk shape would be clearly visible then people would say he is a pervert so much for the double standard. You have to make concessions in a relationship.
I’m sure your wife asks you to do something you don’t want and you oblige.
I would try to tell your wife your position from a perspective that shows her you do mind because you love her and don’t want people to look at her as it makes you feel jealous/bad.
This will resonate better than doing it in a patronizing way.” olichka8
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
But hear me out. I fully understand your reasons. If my SO would do that, Id feels uncomfortable too. But she’s her own person.
She can do what she wants. Even if we were married, Id is in no power over her decisions.
That goes both ways though. You don’t need to be with her braless in public, she can’t make you do that.
But what do you care more about? Your wife being comfortable in her own body or things random people think about your wife. In my opinion, it’s selfish to demand her wear a bra outside or you don’t go out with her.
Her comfort outweighs your inconvenience.
Wearing a bra can be very annoying and even hurting. Just because she didn’t have problems before, doesn’t mean that there a none now. Maybe ask her why she doesn’t wear a bra, so you can relate better.
She clearly doesn’t care about other people judging her and neither should you. She’s not running around without clothes.” Ian_Dima
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I will be the unpopular opinion leader here and say I agree with your concerns about people eyeing your wife in an inappropriate manner and also following societal norms.
Not only does it make you uncomfortable seeing people stare but it can definitely start altercations with some weirdos. It’s unfair how women with a smaller chest can get away with it but I mean if a flat-chested woman wore a baggy t-shirt it barely shows…
not much attention is set on her. That’s just the fact of the matter. I also factor in that you’re married so I assume you are trying to protect her from perverts as you stated.
For the record, I would also say the wife is the jerk even if she was a 25-year-old wearing a g-string bikini at a family-filled beach. There’s a time and place for everything. And for the people who will probably think I’m being unreasonable, I’m not saying your wife is being overly sensual.
It’s just the way things are, people think more of big chests. And I just want to point out that as much as she’s uncomfortable with a bra on, doesn’t take away from how much her bra-less outfits make you uncomfortable.
It can be just as offensive to both sides. No, I don’t think you’re being discriminatory, just confused when she has been doing something a certain way for 20 years. I didn’t read many comments but I hope people aren’t bullying you into thinking you’re a terrible person.” shedancesforher
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You have no right to say it can’t be that uncomfortable if you’ve never worn one for 12 hours a day, every day, since puberty. Small or large chested, they suck. I don’t blame her at this point in her life for being done with them.
You suck for telling her it’s not that bad and lots of people do it.
My personal opinion is also that I don’t wish to have the world see my chest openly in public nor do I wish to see others.
Aside from nursing a child, please keep them semi-concealed. If her bralessness is that obvious and makes you a little uncomfortable as well as brings major attention, I feel like she can look into some alternatives for being braless. An extra cami, a bralette, just something to not make it 100% obvious they’re just flopping around under that thin t-shirt. Everyone wins in public in this instance.” User
3. AITJ For Washing Kids' Artwork Off My Property?
“My neighbors’ kids (7 and 9) vandalized my driveway with elaborate chalk art. I caught them when I came out to walk my dog.
They had covered the length of the crosswalk and my, admittedly large, driveway completely.
Apparently, it was for an online art contest, and they needed the space and had to take pictures when they were done. I think they, or at least their parents, should’ve asked me first before claiming my property.
I immediately told them to move, grabbed my hose, and washed it off. The older child started to cry very loudly and the younger followed, and they ran off. Later in the day, I got a phone call from their mother about how they were heartbroken that I could be so ‘cruel’, and that they weren’t causing any permanent damage.
She said they would’ve cleaned up after they were done, and I should apologize to them.
I think that’s beside the point, but feel like I may be the jerk because yes, they weren’t causing any permanent damage, and I wasn’t going to use the space.
But I still think I had every right to get the graffiti off my property. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re allowed not to want chalk on your property. I’m personally not a big fan of kids in general and I wouldn’t want them playing on my driveway.
I know it’s a little taboo to say you don’t like kids, but that is the case for a lot of people. Maybe if they had asked I wouldn’t have minded that much, but they didn’t.
Again for me confirming that kids are annoying and that parents don’t pay attention or just think that because they like their kids, everyone would.
You didn’t need to hose the chalk off though seeing that they were already In the middle of the drawing.
But you’re allowed not to want it in your driveway and you’re allowed not to want kids playing in your driveway. So if you want to hose it off I can’t tell you what to want and you’re not a jerk for it.” sharonvd
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I would say everyone sucks because they definitely should’ve asked first, but you escalated it way beyond a normal level. And even now you’re way exaggerating what they did. These kids are very young; kids that age do all sorts of socially unacceptable things.
My 7-year-old neighbor walks into people’s apartments without asking. It’s not okay for them to act like that, but an appropriate response is to explain why it’s a problem and redirect their behavior. The mom might be the jerk too, but the kids were acting their age.
You weren’t.” medicinal-snuggles
Another User Comments:
“N.T.J. For the simple reason that had they gotten hurt somehow playing on her property, she would have been liable and the mother could have sued OP. The mother never should have allowed them to do this in the first place.
It’s a tough lesson and since the mom wasn’t teaching her kids they shouldn’t play on other people’s property without permission, they got the consequences from OP. The mother is the ahole here seemingly thinking they’re entitled to use OP’s driveway like that.
She’s setting a horrible example for her kids.
It really sucks for the kids. If OP doesn’t mind them playing there with permission she can tell them to always ask permission first.” Mera1506
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, the parents more than you.
The kids didn’t do anything damaging and I guess are too young to even know they were wrong, they are just kids, so you could have been more understanding and gone to talk to an adult instead of getting angry. But on the other side, the kid’s parents are entitled jerks for not asking you beforehand and assuming you would be fine with whatever just because it’s washable.” sarahohimesama
2. AITJ For Ruining My Brother's Partner's Birthday Party?
“I love to throw birthday parties for my family members and I host the celebrations at my house. I will think about the person’s interests, hobbies, and age and pick out a fun party theme for them.
I will arrange all the decorations, food, games, prizes, etc. This is all done at my own expense and I also purchase a present above this as well. It’s always a lot of fun and I truly enjoy doing this for my family.
My niece (11F) and my brother’s new girl’s (22F) birthdays fall only two days apart. His girl has been around for almost a year now and has been to several of the family birthday parties.
I decided to throw them a joint birthday last weekend as their birthdays are just so close together and also because finances are tight right now.
I decided on a Hollywood glam theme as I thought it was something they would both like.
I went all out for the party and truly tried to make it special.
I ordered a large cake with both of their names on it. We sang happy birthday and they blew out the candles.
I noticed my brother’s girl was sulking later and was demanding to leave. This was before we even opened presents. I was a little confused and asked her if everything was okay. She rolled her eyes and left my house to take an Uber home.
The next day I got a call from my brother. He said that they are angry that I didn’t think of her at all when I was planning the party. That I only cared about my niece and that I did not make his girl feel welcome in our family.
His girl even complained that my niece’s name came first on the cake. They are demanding I apologize and throw her another party. I didn’t know what to say so I just hung up the phone.
I would like to add that I tried very hard to think of both people for the party. I even made sure that a lot of the food met his girl’s dietary restrictions. The only things that were just for kids are the games and prizes.
The games are like this for every family party though. The prizes they get a just novelty kids’ toys and treats.
AITJ for throwing them a joint party? Did I do something wrong here? I’m seriously lost.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I think it’s great that you’re so generous. Planning parties can be stressful and I’m sure many people in your life really appreciate that you take care of all that work for them. I can see in the way your post is written that you had good intentions.
However, I also feel like I can see where your brother’s girl is coming from. Here’s why.
Your FSIL is correct. You didn’t do a proper job of planning this party. I understand that you made an effort to come up with a theme they’d like.
If you’re say… a mother planning a party for her small child then this works out and makes sense. However, you really need to learn how to give up a little bit of control and begin to ask people where they want their party to go.
This is just… well, it’s common sense, OP. Instead of handling this like an adult’s party and asking her what she wanted, you made decisions for her and so of course she feels like it’s a child’s party…
you treated her like a child! I don’t think she should have sulked away or called you later… but I do understand why she feels the way she does and she’s not out of line for it.
Both of you dropped the ball. It happens. Learn from this and move on. Neither of you is a jerk, you just both need to learn from this.” ISeeJustNoPeople
Another User Comments:
“Overall, I’m going to say YTJ, though it wasn’t ill-intentioned.
There’s one glaring problem with what you did: you never actually asked your brother’s girl what she wanted. You made a bunch of assumptions about what she would want and just went with that.
If you make the right assumptions, I’m sure it turns out great since everything is a surprise. But if you make the wrong assumptions, you end up throwing a party that the guest of honor doesn’t want.
You’re viewing it from your perspective, which is that you put in a bunch of effort to think of a theme that she would like, you bought decorations and a cake, you invited people over, and you organized activities for everyone.
From her perspective, it could look very different. She could be thinking that you picked a theme she isn’t interested in (or worse that she dislikes), you simply added her name to a cake you were going to buy for your niece anyway, and you organized a bunch of events she wasn’t able to participate in.
It’s not even clear if she even enjoys celebrating her birthday (some people don’t).
My advice is to apologize to her that she didn’t like it. And if you want to do something like this again, try actually talking to her before going off on your own and trying to organize a party.” sumg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your brother’s girl is 22 years old and should be mature enough at this point to realize that birthday parties passed the age of 14 or so are provided by others on either a ‘close friends’ or ‘courtesy’ basis.
She’s not a direct member of your family, your niece is, so of course, her name would go first on the cake, the emphasis would be on her, etc. She’s 11 years old! If your brother’s girl was wiser and more gracious, she would have enjoyed the event with gratitude — for being included at all — and would have not minded the 11-year-old getting the majority of the attention, the games, etc.” User
Another User Comments:
“Slight ‘everyone sucks here’, but your brother and the girl more than you.
Brother/the girl is being super immature because you did something kind for them, and they should be grateful. Asking for another party is ridiculous and they should get over themselves.
You only slightly. I know there was no malice in what you did, so I think there might have been miscommunication involved.
At 22, I would have found sharing a birthday party with an 11-year-old pretty lame, and although you don’t get to be rude, you can be a little selfish on your bday. Maybe this wasn’t what they wanted to do, but felt well obligated to come because you were throwing it.
Was the girl aware it was a joint party beforehand? Because if I was expecting some Hollywood party with booze and drinking games but showed up and it’s tailored to a kid, I would be pretty bummed out.” User
1. AITJ For Cancelling My Stepson's Birthday Because He Facepalmed Me?
“I married my husband 2 years ago and my relationship with my stepson (12) has never been well. We tried everything but nothing seems to work. His behavior towards me is so terrible, he shouts at me, swears against me, and calls me the worst ‘mother’ ever.
His 13th birthday is tomorrow and since my daughter’s (7F) birthday is only 10 days apart we usually celebrate them both on the same day (they are fine with it). I asked my stepson who he has invited and that’s when he facepalms (gesture) and tells me that he has already answered this question before in the worst tone ever.
This is where I lost it and told him that because of his attitude I am going to cancel his birthday tomorrow. At first, he didn’t believe me since it was not the first time I intended to punish him without actually doing it in the end.
But this time I was serious, and to prove it to him I called his grandparents and told them his birthday got canceled. He started crying begging me not to cancel but I told him it was too late.
I got berated by his grandparents because of this who told me that I don’t have the right to cancel his birthday. As his mother, I am pretty sure I can do what I want though but they weren’t listening to me.
They even told me that tomorrow they are coming to his birthday with the gifts even after I told them not to bother because I won’t open the door.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m a mom of three.
YTJ.
Now that I’ve given something resembling credentials and my judgment, I’ll unpack it further for you.
Yes, he should not have been disrespectful. Maybe some kind of punishment was warranted. However, your stepson has lost his mother, his father is entirely unavailable to him, and you are literally calling yourself his mother.
Thing is, you’re not his mother. You are an authority figure, but he has a mom. He remembers her. He’s grieving her, still, and probably will for a long time.
Yes, he’s acting out, challenging you.
But you’re doubling down in a time of isolation to isolate him further.
Get this kid some therapy. Get YOURSELF some therapy to pick up tips on blending families, and also, get over yourself. You are genuinely being awful to him right now, no matter how you normally are with him.
You aren’t his mother. You are an authority figure. You ARE hurting him, and others, by doing this. You are lashing out at a child to exert your dominance at this point.
Over a facepalm from a preteen.
Yes, I get it wasn’t JUST that, it was the straw which was one too many, but it was still a wild overreaction from you instead of recognizing that this kid is hurting and perceives a loss of both his biological parents.
You’ve been in his life two years, great. Doesn’t change a thing since he is nonetheless feeling abandoned. You said it yourself: you spend more time with him than his own father does.
Get him a decent therapist who listens to him and who he clicks with.
Get yourself some too. Consider thinking less about your desire to lash out because it sounds like the real issue isn’t even the disrespect but that you feel like you’re parenting him without enough support from his father so you’re turning to an online community for it…
and not getting it because of YTJ.” soayherder
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The problem with this consequence is there is no incentive for him to improve his behavior. You can’t go back and reward him with his 13th birthday if he improves his attitude.
He has nothing to lose by continuing to disrespect you. You have validated his negative opinion of you by creating a punishment that solely focuses on giving him emotional distress. What you have done doesn’t feel like the discipline it feels vengeful.
Would be great if you could find a common ground with him to build up a friendship that promotes mutual respect and trust.
He clearly has an issue with you, rightly or wrongly, and he has no choice but to live with you.
He didn’t pick you. As the people with much more experience in dealing with relationships and rubbing along with people you wouldn’t necessarily choose to have in your life (work colleagues, neighbors, etc) it really is in the hands of you and his dad to improve the situation.” hereinerror
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
His dad’s away working for a whole month (by the looks of it he’ll be working on his birthday).
His mother is mentally ill.
The world has been in crisis all year.
And YOU are stopping this CHILD from having a birthday party because he disrespected you.
Question have you ever tried to EARN his respect not demand it for marrying his dad but actually earn it?
Have you tried bonding with him to make the transition easier for him? He’s obviously not had the easiest life.
Or have you gone from basically never seeing this child to marrying his father and demanding that he treats you with respect because you’re his ‘mother’ now?
Also going back to the screwed-up year 2020 has been, has he been seeing his friends? His grandparents? This year has been difficult for adults with full support systems, how do you imagine a child has been taking it?
Finally, just because you married his dad doesn’t mean you’re his mum until he accepts you as his mum, have you spoken to his dad at all about what you’ve planned to do to his kid? Or are you waiting for the grandparents to call him up and do it for you?
If you’ve done nothing but marry his father then demand respect then you are a bad stepmother there’s no way around that, I hope you start to realize that all those replies you’re disagreeing with are right and what you’re doing will negatively affect your stepson and cement in his brain that his stepmother is a horrible woman who doesn’t love or respect him and then you’ll never get an ounce of respect from him in your life.” Vogel88888888
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