People Ask Us To Probe Into Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories

"I (F 38) and my husband (M 35) have three kids (8 M, 6 F, and 3 F). We also occasionally foster kids, mostly younger ones and short-term placements, but a few months ago my CPS agent approached me and kindly asked to take in an older troubled teen.

I’ll call him Ryan for privacy.

Ryan is 16, and he’s a wonderful kid, despite his issues. He has a learning disability and he’s no genius at academic stuff, but he’s wonderful at picking up practical skills. He’s not stupid by any means, just severely neglected. Ryan also has PTSD as he’s the sole survivor of a horrible car accident.

It’s so bad he literally can’t get into the car willingly and unrestrained, last time it was attempted, he broke the window trying to get out. He has a license, though, and had it for half a year now.

So, fast forward to yesterday.

I wanted to go to the mall to buy the Christmas presents. Keep in mind that originally I asked my husband to do it a month ago and he still didn’t buy anything. I couldn’t leave the kids alone at home and I definitely couldn’t force Ryan to babysit them. I also couldn’t leave Ryan alone because he’d feel excluded from a family activity and I wanted him to pick his own Christmas present.

The mall is quite a ride away from my house, and you need to get on a highway to get there.

Ryan told me he was not getting in the car, and since I didn’t want to argue with an already traumatized child, I handed him the keys and said 'Okay, drive'.

Ryan turned out to be a wonderful driver. I’m a driving instructor myself, and I can tell if a person has a talent for driving or not.

Ryan has the talent, he’s basically a natural-born driver, he feels the car, feels the road, brakes and accelerates smoothly, and parks without parking assistance even though he doesn’t have much experience. He’s on high alert, but he’s not overly anxious. To be honest, I felt safer in the car with him than with my husband who’s constantly on the phone when driving.

We got to the mall and back with absolutely zero issues. Like, absolutely zero, keep in mind that Ryan is an inexperienced driver and it was his first time driving a truck.

So when my husband got home, I told him that I bought the presents and he asked me if I left Ryan with the kids, I said no, I took him along. He asked how did I force Ryan into the car and I told him I gave him the keys.

My husband absolutely lost it. He said that it was incredibly irresponsible of me to let a kid drive the whole family on a highway. He started saying that I’m a horrible mother and could’ve killed us all, and even went as far as to drop the r-slur referring to Ryan.

I couldn’t stand it anymore as he basically insulted my son, foster or not it didn’t matter at the moment, and I yelled at him, insulting his ability to drive which my husband is very self-conscious about."

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. I would have tested his driving somewhere less busy than a highway since he's inexperienced and has some traffic-related trauma, but you're a driving instructor so I have to assume that if his driving was crappy, you wouldn't have let him get on the highway.

That said, picking up on the fact that his fear of cars was partially about a lack of control was some truly great parenting and shows how much you care about Ryan.

Your husband on the other hand is a huge jerk. The way he talks about Ryan is disgusting and clearly shows that he doesn't consider him a member of the family.

He also downplayed your expertise; you're a driving instructor and he knows he drives poorly - he should be respecting the fact that you know more about road safety than he does.

Finally, it's truly ridiculous that he's calling you a bad mother considering you solved the car problem." itsastrideh

Another User Comments:

"NTJ, no matter who drives the truck, there's always gonna be a risk. Yeah maybe you should have talked to your husband before letting Ryan drive, but the fact that Ryan has a driver's license and with you being a driving instructor, you definitely know when someone knows how to drive.

You mentioned that you felt safer than driving with your husband, who is constantly on the phone while driving. To be honest, that sounds more like an irresponsible driver than Ryan does. And why should a learning disability or a trauma indicate a bad driver?!

I mean he is traumatized by that horrible car accident so I guess he is driving even more carefully." onlyflamingo73053