People Ask For Our Opinion Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
24. AITJ For Kicking My Friend's Partner Out Of The Apartment?
“My partner m(22) and I F(21) are the first couple of our friend group to move out of the home. My partner’s friend’s brother, let’s call him A recently contacted us looking for a place to stay as according to him, had been kicked out of his home.
We being worried offered an air mattress in our gaming room to help him out.
I am friendly and get along well with A’s partner, we will call her B, but wouldn’t call her my close friend. A and B come over to move 2 suitcases worth of clothes and items into the room which is no issue at all as we were under the impression he needed a place to stay.
The first thing B said to me was ‘what are we going to do about this table… it needs to move.’ The table in question was our gaming setup and we offered for A to use it as a TV.
I won’t get into the small details but 4 days had passed and B was now also living out of our apartment which was something we had not agreed to nor had the room to accommodate to that.
She became too comfortable for my liking and began using up ingredients and groceries that I had purchased. They offered to pay nothing which didn’t really bother me as I would eventually use those ingredients.
Come to the disastrous night. My partner and I are mentally drained having 2 extra people in our living space and so have a lay down in our room.
We come out of our room as we have plans that night and get ready to leave. B in that time has organized a plumber to come and fix a clogged drain at my expense. This drain was never an issue to me and so I promptly cancel that plumber as it really is not my issue and needs to be organized through my property manager anyway.
B has also used all the ingredients I needed for a dinner I planned to cook for her meal which also was very frustrating. The cherry on top was when I walked over to my couch and saw my wet washed clothes dumped on the couch.
Needless to say, I was furious and stormed out.
That night my partner and I came home and spoke to both A and B and basically addressed the situation and said that it was best that she went home tonight as we felt overwhelmed.
She tried to contest it and said her brother got sick and we shut it down and said it was non-negotiable. She went to the room and cried for an hour before she finally came out. A thanked us for our kindness in letting him stay but B collected her things and basically left without a word.
I feel bad but at the same time I don’t.”
Another User Comments:
“She overstayed her welcome, and she wasn’t the one to be invited to stay anyways. She sounds like a terrible house guest. NTJ. Good on you two for making it clear now instead of months later that she can’t be there.” Pineapple_Wagon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Do not feel guilty! You set a boundary! She obviously doesn’t have any manners! But I would set up rules with A if he’s going to be staying.
One rule should be no guests, he isn’t paying rent so no visitors especially B.” HistorySweet9902
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You may need to give A a ‘move out’ day before he thinks this is permanent.
As for B, good riddance. For someone who wasn’t even invited to stay, she overstayed. From the jump, A should have asked if B could stay the night, not make them a package deal. A needs to realize y’all are helping HIM & that’s it.” Pixiedust027
23. AITJ For Causing My Lazy Groupmates To Get Failing Grades?
“My freshman year of college I was put into a group project of 5 people including myself for our final in a lab advanced psychology class that I needed to pass for my major (everyone in the class was a part of the major as well).
My group met outside of class on several occasions and one guy in particular (let’s call him Dan) decided to be in charge of the group project which is fine by me because I have a life and was working a full-time job as well.
He would text our group chat to make sure everyone was doing everything but never assigned himself any work.
Well fast forward to the week before the due date and only I and one other student did any of the work needed.
It was the work we’d been assigned so we reached out to the group chat and nobody answered. I was in charge of all of the research for the paper that we all were supposed to write together. The night before it was due I met up with the only other person who did any of the work (let’s call him Brandon) and Brandon and I called and texted and emailed Dan to see if he had done any of the work and much to our disbelief he had blocked us on EVERYTHING.
We texted the rest of the group and told them to send us any of the work they had done and we got no response just like we had basically all semester.
So Brandon and I stayed up until 3 am writing a 10-page paper and huge presentation on a topic we both had voted against due to it being extremely triggering for both of us.
I took three names off of the project and we presented it to the entire class. Dan was not in class that day (shocking I know) and my prof asked if we meant to leave the other three names off the project to which I replied yes.
She asked me if I knew that meant they would fail privately after class and I informed her that my partner Brandon and I did all of the work and that everyone else completely ignored us. I know that the other members of the group failed because I received several texts about how much of a jerk I am for not putting their names in it and that I should’ve just let them pass even though they didn’t do any work because it’s ‘the nice thing to do’.
Brandon also got several angry text messages telling him to get lost and that he’s a piece of work. So am I the jerk for letting three people fail a class required for our major?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. College professor here. You did not let three people fail a required class.
They chose to do nothing but then expected that you and Brandon would share the credit for your hard work. It’s not a nice thing to do. It’s a ridiculous expectation. The other members of the team knew that this paper was required for this required course.
They knew the consequences of not doing it. Period!
As an aside, I tell my students that if someone isn’t doing any of the work, they can kick them out of the group, but only if they tell the person first. Then that person will have to complete the project as a team of 1.
I invariably get a text from the student kicked out with a long explanation about why they didn’t contribute. I tell them this is irrelevant because the fact is that they didn’t do work, so they shouldn’t get the credit.” ceilylou
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they don’t deserve credit for something they didn’t do.
Group projects are actually a great lesson on what to expect in the workplace because people don’t change. Even if people in a group don’t like each other, they have to suck it up and work with each other because it’s not just a bad grade, it’s their jobs and potentially lots of money on the line.
It’s called adulting, something we all hate, but ultimately have to do at some point in our lives.” Bmblbee76
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They were too lazy to do the work and thought they could get a passing grade by riding on your coattails.
You did everything possible to reach out to them and get them to do the work, and they refused. They gave themselves the failing grade, and I think you taught them a valuable lesson that they should have learned long before now. Good work!” ChapSteve711
22. AITJ For Getting Angry About The Way My Ex Is Acting?
“I (18f) and my recent ex (18m) have kept chatting with one another for the past month, since our break up. We had only gone out for 8 months due to us growing apart and soon going in different directions for our futures.
However, we didn’t want the breakup to affect our friendship (we’ve been close friends for 6 years total). Ever since we broke up, he’s been acting (in my opinion) very differently. He used to be empathic, put others before him, and lend a shoulder kind of guy.
Although, recently he’s been very apathetic not only to me but to others. Before anyone can say: ‘it’s probably the cause of the break up’ that is not completely true.
After a month passed, he started going out with one of his online friends, ReRe (16f) he met early this year.
It slightly bothered me but I quickly moved passed it. However, ever since the new relationship he’s been nothing but heartless. I will now tell you the real story of why I’m writing this: It all started early this year when we met his new online gaming friends; ReRe, Ota (21f), and Jo (23m).
He and his friends are very strange people. They have a very odd sense of humor and have a secret private chat about what my ex calls ‘cult stuff’. I get friend groups have weird activities (I and my best friend do) but there’s is kinda borderline usual for me.
Anyway, during our deep conversation, my ex starts to talk about Ota and Jo and their non-committed relationship. Ota wants to end the relationship due to Jo being clingy and too toxic towards her. As a former victim of an abusive relationship, I felt pity for Ota—hoped the breakup wasn’t too messy and asked him to help her if Jo started to gaslight her.
My ex, on the other hand, scoffed and told me he was excited about it and how he wanted to watch the whole thing fall apart. He continued to talk about how he was starting to embrace the chaos in his life and enjoyed it.
I told him to stop talking about it and how it was making me sick to my stomach. But he didn’t and even admitted that ReRe was the one who ‘influenced’ this behavior because she herself is like this too.
The last straw was him saying how not only did he want to be there on the call when it happened, but if he couldn’t he wanted screenshots of the fight to laugh at with his partner.
I yelled that he was scaring me with this behavior and all he could say was ‘How?’ I proceeded to blow up in his face about how it’s wrong to even think and want that for someone else and even if she was somewhat okay with it I didn’t want him talking about it in front of me.
His last response?: ‘Mmm okay’. I called him an apathetic jerk and said I despised him now. I blocked him for good this time. I feel guilty for yelling at him but I can’t stand when people are like this with others.
Call me overly sensitive if you like tho I can’t help it. Am I in the right or AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s trying to get a rise out of you. Either he wants you to emotionally invest in him and try to ‘fix’ him or he wants you to fight him so he can get some satisfaction from you being upset.
Either way, cut ties. This is immature behavior (so is the embracing chaos/apathy ideology) that he may grow out of. Or not. It’s not your problem or your business to fix said problem.” Live_Background_6239
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Girl… you guys broke up and you seriously need time apart.
It’s no use being an ex’s ‘friend’ if they are going to continue to hurt you or just be trashy people in general. Keep him blocked and forget about him.” juiceboxfriend95
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I would seriously reconsider continuing a friendship with this guy. Sounds like it’s a deeper and potentially dangerous issue.” therealbbqueen
There’s no law that says you have to be friends with an ex. You can wish them well and still remove them from your life. You guys are young. Young people change and grow and “try on” different personalities, ways of “being” and so forth.
Your ex isn’t the guy that you were friends with for the 6 years prior to your boyfriend/girlfriend thing. People come and go from our lives. Time to wish this one well and let him go.
21. AITJ For Snapping When My Partner Was Being Annoying?
“I’m 26F he is 28M. We’ve been together for 2.5 years, and since I met him he’s been throat singing/making guttural bullfrog noises for fun. It hasn’t been a frequent thing until the past month or two, and now it is constant.
I have OCD and ADHD (potentially autistic?) and certain sensory experiences are unpleasant to the point of being torturous. He knows this, and almost daily he points out my reactions to stimuli that might not bother most people (smells, noises, touch, etc.) and has described me as ‘sperging out’.
It’s hard to describe how and why certain things make me want to jump out of my human suit lol but at this point, he at least knows I’m not faking it.
I don’t really think my requests to stop throat singing/croaking are unreasonable.
Sometimes it’s so bad I’m literally whimpering and on the verge of tears begging for him to stop because it is truly exhausting for me to be around. I have to ask him to stop 10+ times a day. I think it’s probably a stim for him, so I get it, but holy cow.
Something has to change and I think he could redirect the habit.
He came home from work while I was writing an essay in the bedroom and while changing clothes he started making the sound. I told him to stop and leave the room to somewhere I couldn’t hear him if he was going to be doing that.
He walked out, and while just outside the bedroom door continued making the sounds. I got up to shut the door and accidentally slammed it because the latch is janky it bounced in the frame.
He went to work on his own computer and when I went to say hello after about an hour, all he had to say to me was that my behavior was unacceptable.
He wants an apology because in his words he did the sound without thinking about it so I shouldn’t have reacted badly. AITJ?
EDIT TO ADD: he doesn’t only do it when I’m around, apparently he does it more while alone. He genuinely just likes doing it.
What hurts my feelings is that he doesn’t make enough of an effort to stop for my comfort.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve asked him repeatedly to stop. It’s not clear whether this is some kind of compulsion for him, but it also doesn’t sound as if he’s gotten therapy or tried to learn how to stop, either.
In fact, it sounds like he’s escalating.
Unless he’s willing to get help, I don’t think you’re compatible. (The mean part of my brain is wondering if he’s not doing this on purpose, to get you to break up with him so he doesn’t have to, but it could be undue stress or something, too).” Arbor_Arabicae
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Not OK for him to make fun of your reactions to stimuli. I would be angry if someone said I was ‘sperging out’ when I react to being overstimulated.
It sounds likely that his noises are a tic, and that isn’t necessarily something he can just control or redirect.
Knowing your sensitivity to the noises, and given you had just asked him to leave, I don’t think he’s justified in holding a grudge against you for slamming the door – but I can understand why it could hurt him, at the moment at least.” singular-theythem
Another User Comments:
“Let me tell you something.
If someone close to you does something that upsets you and you tell them about it and they do it once again – then that’s a mistake.
If someone close to you does something that upsets you and you tell them about it and they do it again and again – then that’s a choice.
Your partner is choosing to do something over and over again that seriously upsets you.
When you finally lost your patience and challenged him on it he insulted you and blame shifted his behavior on you.
You need to think very carefully here about what you do next.
NTJ – and there’s something seriously wrong with your partner.” SassyPieHole173
20. AITJ For Losing Patience With My Mom?
“I (F,19) don’t have a car or car insurance. I work a part-time job and I am not allowed to keep the money because my mom takes it to pay the bills so that she doesn’t have to work.
One thing is that I can’t stand her presence anymore so I try my best to avoid her.
Every day I get up and prepare myself to be yelled at by her for no reason. It’s like a constant battle every day. I have never just gone one day without crying. There are so many things wrong with me emotionally.
So yesterday, I had to be dropped off on campus for class. But, the only way for me to get there is for my mom to drop me off. She doesn’t allow me any way else, and I am not allowed to the dorm on campus, so I commute.
She makes me drive all the time but I always tell her I don’t want to. She gets mad that I don’t want to but I tell her that I don’t feel like it. She makes me drive anyways. The reason why I don’t want to is for the reason that she will find a way to pick on me, whatever it is.
So I just don’t want to deal with it. Of course, she doesn’t like the way I’m driving. She always criticizes me, yells at me, and tells me how I’m so bad at everything I do. She tells me all of this while I’m driving.
But she is the one that is making me drive. It’s like she purposely wants me to do bad at something just so she can yell at me.
This makes me so angry at her. I don’t even talk back at her, I just explain how I feel but she doesn’t like that.
She says all of this and she asks me why I have to keep making her angry all the time with the way I start things. But I didn’t even start anything. I try my best to avoid confrontation because all I do is cry, and I always feel embarrassed.
She says it’s all my fault that she keeps yelling at me.
But I just feel so angry with her. AITJ for feeling angry at her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for feeling angry BUT you are 19 and an adult. You can open your own bank account and make your own decisions.
You shouldn’t be driving if you have no license or insurance. I dislike people that do that and you don’t have a good excuse for doing it
You need to make tough life choices that may make things difficult for you but it’s your life and you need to start taking control of it.” DeepFudge9235
Another User Comments:
“You are NOT the jerk.
Move out – I know it’s easier said than done, and it sounds like she’s manipulating things so that you can’t move out, but do it anyway. Take a bag, crash at a friend’s place, start keeping your paychecks and build some stability for yourself.
She won’t change, because she’s comfortable and this works for her. I haven’t spoken to my mother in a year – she was very, very similar as I was growing up. She tried to tell one boss of mine that I wasn’t quitting anymore to move cities, that I was staying in my hometown with her – invasive sabotage like that.
You need to get out and look after yourself. I did, and it was hard but so worth it. I’m sorry she’s doing this to you.” Inner_Squirrel7167
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She asked why you keep making her angry. That’s a classic hallmark of an awful person.
Your mother has made it so you cannot get away from her by taking all of your money so that you can’t leave home. See if someone can take you in. You might also want to look into moving into a women’s shelter.” ChapSteve711
19. WIBTJ If I Take The TV Away From My Sister?
“I (17F) share a room with my younger sister (9). We have a TV in our bedroom that our parents gave to me after they were gifted one from a family member (my sister never slept in the room prior to getting the TV).
My sister believes that since she now sleeps in our shared bedroom, she can grab my stuff (I.E. expensive makeup, my notebooks, pens I’ve bought with my money). I’ve told her to stop but she doesn’t care because ‘it’s her room too’.
My last straw was today when she was using a streaming service that charges me every time someone uses it. I stopped using it last year and therefore, stopped paying for it. I don’t have the money to keep paying for it and she knows that.
She told me that since I’m old enough, I should keep paying for it because I should have the money (I’m having trouble finding a job, she also knows that because she eavesdrops in on my conversations with anyone).
I’ve talked to my parents about this and they told me to let it go because she’s younger and they don’t want to hear her crying (she throws tantrums when she doesn’t get her way).
She refuses to acknowledge I’m older than her unless it benefits her (like asking permission to download something because I monitor her tablet after we caught her watching inappropriate content on YouTube and Netflix). I took care of her for most of the day from age 4-9 because of legal problems within my family.
She has 0 respect for me and the fact that I live in the room with her. WIBTJ if I took away the TV?”
Another User Comments:
“It isn’t a long-term solution, but lock down EVERYTHING.
I mean, spend the blunt on a decent-sized lock box, preferably with both a key and keypad.
Put everything you don’t want her touching inside and lock it down. You can get a pretty good-sized one for like $50, pricey when you aren’t working, but worth it. Do not leave the key around, change the pin code once a week or so to be safe.
As far as the TV, remove all of your billing information from anywhere she can get access to it, (this should be in settings) and you should be able to put a parental lock on the TV. Look up the brand and model to find out how well you can lock it down.
Otherwise, just take the cord with you.
You need to have a chat with your parents because they are not BEING parents. Let them know that you will NOT let this go, what she is doing is THEFT and you will not put up with it.
Since I doubt they will do anything, it is going to be up to you to keep your stuff safe. Take everything you want her hands off to a friend’s house or something until you can get a lock box, but that should be the very first thing you do.
Even if you have to start with a smaller one, $10-$20 will at least keep part of your stuff safe from this entitled creature.
Good luck!” Tricky_Dog1465
Another User Comments:
“You need to delete your accounts, it sounds like, so she can’t keep charging them.
Not remove them from the tv -remove them completely. Remove your credit card details from it as well. Your sister is pushing boundaries because she’s seeking them – it’s really common for kids to push boundaries to learn about them. And unfortunately, in this case, she’s not really encountering any solid ones.
So, you need to remove anything that could damage you, and just… let your parents pay.” Square-wheel116
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your money and your space too, it shouldn’t be dictated by her. Your parents can deal with her tantrums because sometimes children don’t always get what they want and she should know that by now.” littlebashful
18. AITJ For Messing Up My Relationship With My Cousin?
“My cousin, let’s call her Sara, hates my guts. So Sara and I got along pretty well but I always got a bad vibe from her and she would always leave me out and leave me completely alone when we would hang out with our other cousins.
She would take everyone and leave with them without inviting me in front of my face but my other cousins would invite me because she wouldn’t and she was the type to make plans with other people in front of your face without even inviting you.
I always tried to be super nice to her and include her in everything but I just never got the same energy from her.
So Sara’s mom was talking about Sara and my other cousin, let’s name her Amy, talking about their business to my mom who as a grown adult, shouldn’t be going around telling people the business of two teenage girls.
I was on the phone with Amy when this was happening so she overheard which caused drama but I never intended for any of this to happen.
So I did not speak to Sara’s mom for about two months. Sara and Amy, whom she was extremely close with, started to argue thru text which led to Amy blocking Sara on everything.
So after that Sara and her mom started telling the family about everything and tried to make me and Amy look bad and tried to victimize themselves.
Keep in mind I did absolutely nothing to Sara. It was between me and her mom which was 100% unintentional and an accident.
After that Sara started to completely ignore me and talk bad about me and avoid me every time we saw each other.
Her mom and I are on good terms now but it has been months and Sara and Amy have also made up but are not close anymore yet Sara still hates me and gives me dirty looks.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“OP, I have a Sara in my family and the fact is, her hating you is her issue. Anything you will do will be a futile effort. You don’t seem to have done anything wrong. Sometimes just by existing, you get on this sort of person’s nerves.
It may also just be plain old jealousy. Your family likes you and sticks up for you e.g. your cousins inviting you to keep you from being left out. I’ll bet she realizes that they might not do the same for her due to her catty behavior.
This is more of a parenting and personality issue for Sara. You’re NTJ.” pixierambling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, assuming you’re giving the whole story. Honestly, it sounds like Sara just never liked you. Some people are just like that and you may never know why. Could be jealousy, a misunderstanding, or a grudge over a minor thing. Maybe you chew loudly. Who knows, but it sounds like you’re just living your life and she’s hating.” TheLollrax
Just because Sara is your cousin doesn’t mean you have to be friends. Be cordial at family functions and don’t give her so much soave in your head.
17. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Go On A Diet?
“My partner is 23 and she’s unemployed. We’ve been going out for a year and for a while at the start, she was making an effort to job search, but after enough ‘no’ responses it’s like she just gave up. I, thinking I was being helpful at the time, stepped up and basically said I’d help her out financially as much as possible, and boy did that backfire.
She’s taken the past year as an opportunity to do little besides sitting on her couch, or her bed, watching TV, and eating, all of it bad food, junk food, or fast food.
The result of this has now become that it seems like almost every 3 weeks she comes to me needing funds for new shirts or new shorts or new pants.
Honestly, if it were just a case of her finding a stylish shirt she liked, I’d buy it, but, when she words it as ‘I need new pants, these don’t fit, but I promise to lose weight’, that’s when I get irritated.
She came to me last weekend asking for yet another trip to buy new jeans, which can be hundreds of dollars per trip. Gave me another excuse about how they didn’t fit, but that this would be the last time. These pants that no longer fit were pants that when I bought them, SHE deemed them her ‘fat pants’ and swore she’d never outgrow them, well, they don’t fit over her rear end.
I decided to put my foot down and told her that I wasn’t buying her anything and that what I think she should do is go on a diet, exercise, and get healthy. I apologized but told her for the time being she’s just going to have to wear clothes that are very snug.
She takes this as me wanting to punish her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
As someone else said, what you are doing is enabling a person with an eating disorder. If you’re still willing to spend on her, I think the best investment would be therapy for her ED.
It sounds like she also has some form of depression or other disorder preventing her from moving on.
If you do want to exercise together, I highly recommend you find a way to do so that doesn’t make her resent exercise and worsen her health.
Activities you can enjoy together like bowling, swimming, small hikes, and going on walks together while chatting.
Resentment is poison in a relationship, and it can go both ways. You’re resenting her and it’s costing you a lot with her behavior, and she is probably resenting you for not ‘letting’ her have fitting clothes.
Be careful with each other, good luck.” Dontdrinkthecoffee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It actually sounds like she is struggling with depression and using food to self-soothe. I think you should get her out walking in nature (parks if you are in a city) not to lose weight (like don’t bring it up), but because exercise and nature are super good at mood elevation.
Don’t mention it as weight loss at all, say you want to get out more to help you deal with stress and need her support (constant rejection has probably made her confidence suffer and made her feel useless) to walk regularly.
If that has no effect after a while, suggest therapy. You are not obligated to keep buying her clothes, but helping her or at least trying to help her find her way out of the water she is drowning in would be admirable.” SunnyRose57
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Make sure to have another talk with her.
Tell her you will no longer financially support her and that she needs to get a job. You will cover rent and normal bills only in the meantime and then you will split it. If she doesn’t have a job by XYZ then that’s that.
Stock the house with what you eat (if you eat healthily and don’t like junk snacks oh well). No more luxuries at your expense that includes fast food, junk, clothes, eating out, etc.
She sounds more like a mooching roommate than a partner. A decent partner does not take advantage of their SO as she has done to you.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.” Status-Pattern7539
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Have Pet Names?
“My husband (31M) and I (31F) have been married for 9 years. He has always called me pet names, which I never found cute. I don’t know why. Maybe it felt like too much PDA when he’d call me baby in front of family.
I did settle on liking ‘babe’ and a short version of my name, but that’s been the extent of my preferences since we were going out.
He, however, has found enjoyment in expanding the number of pet names he calls me. i.e.
pumpkin, honey munchkin, honey booboo, combining my name with other names to make a sort of mash-up (example using the name Sarah – he might say Sar-booboo, Sar-isha, Sar-bear, Sar-nunu.) Although he never calls me babe or the shortened version of my name that I do like.
I don’t have an aversion to other people using pet names, but I don’t like to use them myself or be called by them. Some of them really make me gag… again, just not my preference.
Early on, I would remind him that I don’t like it when he calls me these names, but now 9 years into our marriage, it just makes me mad and usually ends in a fight between us.
I feel disrespected when I’ve asked him for 9+ years to not use these names – even giving him other options since he loves pet names so much.
AITJ for getting so upset about this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Boundaries. You need to enforce yours because he isn’t respecting them.
Tell him that he needs to lay off the pet names, or he gets the silent treatment. Regardless of where it is. Maybe a few instances of public humiliation — say he calls you one of his stupid little pet names at a party and has to spend the rest of the evening getting ignored by you — will get him to stop.
Kidding aside, ‘Honey Boo Boo’? I’m going to assume you know who that is, but that is not a compliment.
He will try to dismiss this as harmless and just him being affectionate, but I think there’s something more sinister operating here: he’s intentionally traipsing right over your clear boundaries.
Basically, he’s communicating that he doesn’t have to respect your wishes, and until there are consequences, he will not.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If my partner called me those names, it would be a turn-off for me. It would be in his own best interest, hypothetically, to stop with the nicknames if he’d want to be viewed in a more intimately favorable light.
You could try that angle if it applies. Hopefully, he isn’t doing it to get a rise out of you at this point. It’s not that hard to stop calling someone several different names. He can stick with the three on the list.” pink-flamingo789
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but honestly he better be an amazing husband otherwise because nine years doing this after you clearly stated how uncomfortable it makes you is a pretty big red flag.
It seems silly to make something as simple as pet names a big deal, but at the end of the day, I don’t really think it’s about the names. It’s about his complete lack of respect for your wishes and personal boundaries.” straycatbec
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To India To Shop For The Wedding?
“Fiancée (28F) and I (28M) live in the US and are getting married next year at a traditional Hindu wedding (fiancée’s family is very traditional). I am of the same culture but not religious, but I am more than happy to do it as I know my fiancée wants to.
Fiancée has always known that I’m not religious and it’s never been an issue. We are paying for the wedding ourselves and it is expensive given that there’s a large guest list and she picked a pricey venue (I was ok with a cheaper one but am happy with this one since she really likes it).
I have made it clear that I’m 100% on board with all the traditional events/rituals as I know how important it is for her and mainly for her family.
Recently she mentioned that her family wants to go to India for a week in December to buy wedding outfits and asked my family and me to join.
This is not uncommon as there’s more selection in India and if you are buying a lot it can be cheaper. However, a lot of local stores carry these outfits and I’ve known many people who got married without shopping in India.
My family told me that they are planning on buying their outfits locally and don’t need to go to India. I asked my fiancée whether it made sense to spend the time/money to go to India just for a few outfits.
She said that her dad really wants to do it and he offered to pay for my ticket. I told her that she should definitely go with her family, but I don’t see the need for me to join. We can easily pick my outfit online and she can grab it when she’s there.
Also, she’s making most of the decisions about everyone else’s outfits so there wouldn’t be much for me to do while I’m there. It’s hard for me to take a week off during the holidays and due to the nature of my job, it would be unpaid leave.
Given the wedding expenses, I’m reluctant to take unpaid time off just to go shopping. Also, I don’t think going to India to shop would be particularly enjoyable.
My fiancée is very upset that I don’t want to go as it is apparently important to her (this has never come up in many months of wedding planning until now).
She said she’s questioning whether she wants to go through with the wedding or if we should just sign papers since I ‘don’t care about the wedding’ and ‘none of this is significant’ to me. I told her that while it’s true I don’t personally place much significance on religious beliefs/rituals, I have been on board with all the traditional wedding events as it is important to her/her family.
This is something that she’s always known about me, it’s not like I suddenly came out as an atheist. Going to India is not a traditional/religious part of the wedding, just something she and her family want to do, which is fine (albeit unnecessary), but it doesn’t seem worth me taking time off work to do it.
I wonder whether me coming to India is truly important to her or if she’s just pushing it because her family wants it as this has never come up before.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but explain it to her just like this – you are happy for her to go but it does not at all make sense for you to take a week unpaid off work in order to join.
You are already going with a more expensive venue for her wishes. Offer to FaceTime her at one or two of the stores while she’s there. You really need to communicate this well because compromise and finances are a huge part of marriage, and if she can’t see your viewpoints then maybe it’s you who should reconsider the wedding.” therealbbqueen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It sounds like a nice (paid for) trip but I can draw the line at your work situation. You don’t really need a reason to say no but having to take unpaid leave is a very valid and solid reason. I don’t figure it’s too much about the religious aspects but the physically going and doing some pre-wedding things together and making some memories.
From a western perspective (Australia) the absolute majority of couples I know who have got married would’ve gone suit shopping together unless it was an absolute plain black suit hire.” Jerratt24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s true the selections here are infinitely larger than in the US.
But I think the options you gave her are genuinely good. My husband didn’t want to come shopping for outfits for the numerous events Indian weddings have. He came to help me choose my wedding saree and let me choose his outfits while I video-called him regarding his opinions.
It’s something I enjoyed and he doesn’t. So that was fine with me especially since he came to choose the wedding saree. And all this I am describing happened with both of us living in India. I can understand you wanting to avoid unnecessary time off work. Try and see if you can talk to her explaining in detail your side of the problem.” bookthiefj0
14. AITJ For Answering My Friend's Question?
“I have a friend who I met in school as we were both placed in the Special Educational Needs unit. I’ve always been open about having ASD and ADHD while growing up. My friend S was always secretive about her diagnosis, would deny being disabled and up until the day we finished school, would deny we were in the Special Educational Needs unit at school.
Recently S believes she was misdiagnosed as a child and is looking into a diagnosis. She questioned if she has Autism like me citing she likes music and hasn’t updated her phone in six years. Those seem like really vague symptoms but I’m not a doctor so I just suggested it could be, to maybe look into it more and to see a doctor.
S has admitted to not looking into ASD and asked me what I thought she was originally diagnosed with. I’m guessing I said the wrong answer because I said I always thought it was an intellectual disability. S got really upset and said I was calling her stupid and said I was just gatekeeping autism.
I told her she asked me and it’s not my fault I answered wrong if she never tells anyone about the diagnosis.
S keeps sending messages calling me a bully and has threatened to tell my mom that I’ve been attacking her.
I’m getting really upset by the whole thing. I only guessed that because I remember my mom telling my sisters off years ago for making fun of S for acting childish telling them to be more understanding and compassionate to her intellectual disability.
I always figured her mom told my mom.
I told S I’m sorry for guessing but she’s still sending me messages about it. I brought her some sweets but she threw them in the bin. Am I the jerk for my guess?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she asked, you answered.
Since you’re friends, it seems like it would be obvious that you never thought less of her for her diagnosis, whatever it is, so why would she be upset? She’s already looking into an evaluation and potential diagnosis, so saying that you’re not a doctor and can’t say whether she’s autistic is perfectly fine.
You’re not gatekeeping anything.
In the interests of disclosure: I have looked into ASD a fair bit and believe I am autistic, although I have not sought a diagnosis and don’t plan to because at this point it’s likely to do me more harm than good.
So there may be social stuff here that is just not clicking for me either.” Rodinia47
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She asked you to tell her what you thought and she didn’t like the answer. That’s not your fault, it’s her own fault.
You did not attack her, she is just upset. Again that is not your fault.” bobbiegee65
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were not mean or malicious or cruel and were trying to help. That being said, you are not a doctor and cannot provide your friend with an actual diagnosis. She needs to see a doctor and find out what the problem is once and for all.” Various-Bridge-325
13. AITJ For Yelling At A Kid?
“My office is right near the front of my house. There is a window right behind where my computer is which I like to keep open on nice days. Anyways, I was kind of zoning out from working when I see a kid who was probably 12 or 13 walking his dog.
When he passed my yard, his dog apparently peed, although I was 99% certain that it was pooping. He proceeded to walk away when his dog was done doing his business. I, for one, absolutely hate it when pet owners don’t pick up after their dogs.
I opened my window a little more and yelled out ‘Hey bud, you gonna pick that up?’ He turned around and quietly said ‘it was just pee’, then started crying a little bit and walked away. I was still pretty sure it was poop, so I walked outside to check, and he was right, it was pee.
Now I feel a little guilty for yelling at a kid for no reason but I don’t feel like I’m in the wrong. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, always make sure you know what you are talking about before yelling at people for things.
A better response would have been hey kid did your dog just poop on my lawn? Then he would have said no just pee and you could say oh ok.” mo8414
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You may wanna check your behavior if you’re shrieking at children you don’t even know and making them cry (and you were wrong about the dog on top of being wrong for how you acted!) Had one of my kids come home crying because some jerk screamed at them for no reason… you’d be dealing with a very annoyed adult on your doorstep and not just a child.” Arcane1516
12. AITJ For Yelling At A Driver In Front Of My Kid?
“I (38f) don’t claim to be a calm person – I have a trauma history, but I work really hard to keep my cool.
Today I was walking my daughter (5f) to her holiday care class at her school (it’s the school holidays), and she was riding her scooter.
We live in an average-sized country town, so the streets are usually fairly sleepy. We stopped just at the edge of the zebra crossing to look for cars. I saw a car (a Lexus) approaching and thought that they would stop.
Instead, they sped across it, at a reasonable pace. This freaked me out because my daughter will sometimes torpedo out onto the road. (I’m working on it!) Luckily I had motioned for her to not cross as we approached the crossing.
I threw my arms in the air and yelled at the car ‘it’s a crossing.’
The driver reversed back towards us as we were still standing on the footpath, and got out of the car. I thought maybe he was going to apologize.
But, he instead told me ‘I don’t have to stop. There is no crossing guard’. As I knew this wasn’t the case where I live, I said quite surprised, but reasonably calmly ‘yes, you do have to stop’. He continued to tell me that he didn’t, and as he was talking he was coming closer to me and my daughter.
Well, my switch flipped and I went into full fight or flight. Potentially relevant: he was fairly young (mid-20s), about 5.6, and average to smaller build. I’m 5.5, but I’ve got some weight on.
As he approached, I yelled, ‘screw off, get back in your car and screw off’.
He kept talking and approaching (can’t remember what he was saying), and I again told him to ‘screw off’. He started to back off and was getting back in his car when he said ‘nice language in front of a little kid’.
I responded with ‘just screw off you jerk head’. And he drove away.
I cuddled my daughter and apologized to her for getting angry and yelling. She was OK but understandably shaken. I will talk to her again tonight.
I immediately felt horrible for losing my mind and swearing in front of my daughter like that.
I try really hard not to yell or swear at home. My husband thinks that I reacted normally given the situation – but I still feel guilty and need some outsider perspective.
So, AITJ? Thanks!”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You could have just let the driver drive on.
Instead, you endangered yourself and your daughter by engaging in ‘road rage’. The outcome could have been immeasurably worse.
I understand that you were rightly incensed, but you shouldn’t pick fights with jerks because jerks are unpredictable, and there is potential for escalation.” pdxfool
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I only know the laws in the U.S.
The driver stopped, reversed, and came back to confront you? I believe that would make this road rage on his part. OMG, I would have been freaking out if I was in your place, like prepping my ego and body to get into a fight and psyching myself out so I am ‘on my toes.’
I feel like the driver is lucky that you just yelled.
Where are you? For some reason, I get a Welsh vibe. Maybe it’s because you prefaced that you are not the calmest person. I could be completely off, and don’t mean any offense. I just know that either way, we have our tempers in common.
I vote NTJ.” battle_bunny99
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Yes, he should have stopped. But as a pedestrian it’s also responsible to make sure there are no cars AND that any cars are slowing down or stopping before you cross. You should teach your daughter to be extra careful because drivers don’t always follow the rules.
The driver was petty to come back and argue, but you were even worse when you started yelling at him. What is wrong with you both? This situation was pretty immature. You also escalated an argument with a stranger in front of your child, not knowing if the stranger may have attacked you or even her.” catfireengine
Of course the drivers actions are inexcusable. But you chose to initiate road rage and endanger yourself and your child. You dont know this person or what they're capable of and willing to do. You dont know if they're on substances that make them incredibly violent or what kind of mental condition they're in. It's simply not worth finding out. Take this as a lesson to not pick fights with people you dont know, especially when you have your child with you.
11. WIBTJ If I Ask My Niece If I'm Invited To Her Wedding?
“My niece got engaged last year. I remembered this fact a couple of weeks ago and searched to see if she had a wedding website up. Found it pretty quickly, saw that it was set for June, and commented to my husband that we might not be invited if we didn’t see an invitation in another week or so unless maybe they were behind schedule or something.
I didn’t find this too surprising; she’s got a very large convoluted family tree and my brother’s (her dad) side of the family is often forgotten/excluded from events (long complicated history there that I won’t get into now).
Imagine my surprise when I received an invitation to her bridal shower a week ago! In my neck of the woods, it’s usually considered tacky to invite someone to a bridal shower but not the wedding, a sign that the invitee is only worth the gift they’ll bring.
Her mom’s side of the family, who is planning this bridal shower, is what I would call ‘proper’ and would know that implication, but I’ve never gotten the impression that they’ve felt that way toward me. In fact, when the rest of my side of the family is snubbed for something, I sometimes will be the only one invited.
I’m planning to go to the bridal shower because I love my niece dearly, but I’m conflicted on whether I should ask about the wedding. I’m genuinely curious if the invite got lost in the mail (which is entirely possible; it sometimes takes 3 weeks for something to arrive within the same city if my local post office is involved) or if I really am only worth a gift to my niece/her family.
This is the only time I’m going to see her before the wedding so to me it seems like a good opportunity as any to talk to her (and I would do it as tactfully as possible, something like ‘So when’s the wedding? I haven’t seen an invitation yet’), but if it is going to be an awkward conversation, I don’t want to put her on the spot at her bridal shower.
So, WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ, but do be tactful. Maybe offer to hang back after to help clean up, or to show up early for set up, and ask then so it’s private without any earwiggers or risk of her feeling uncomfortable in front of people.
It’s entirely possible it did get delayed and she’s stressing about pressing you for not RSVPing yet!
I wouldn’t mention the blunder of inviting them to the shower but not the wedding at all either way, as there’s no way to spin that that won’t sound like you’re admitting you think she’s capable of such entitled rudeness.
Plus, maybe she really wanted you at the wedding, but couldn’t manage it, so thought bringing you to the shower was the next best thing? Bride-brain and juggling people may not equal the best decisions made. I’d blame that rather than thinking you’re only worth a gift to them, regardless of custom/decorum, assuming that’s the outcome.” GojuSuzi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you stay positive and respect her wishes.
‘I’m so happy to be here and celebrate with you! Let’s get together after the wedding for lunch so you can show me all the pictures!’ Be happy to be included on any level, and assume that they’re having a private wedding.
Or maybe a small destination wedding. Either way, if you just love and support her, you WNBTJ.” GenRgna
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is generally accepted knowledge that if you are invited to the shower, you should also be invited to the wedding.
I’d do a simple ‘I was so surprised to get the invitation to the shower and it made me realize my wedding invitation must have gotten lost in the mail! I’ll need the details before I leave so I can be sure to mark it on my calendar!'” WaywardMarauder
Trust me, if you were sent an invitation and they hear that you didn’t receive it, you’ll hear from them.
10. WIBTJ If I Buy The Bike That I Want?
“I (33f) lost my son back in October. I’ve been in therapy and am seeing doctors but I’d be lying if I said I was doing well. I’m exhausted all the time and have been steadily putting on weight for the last few months despite barely eating.
Probably due to me living off energy drinks just to get through the day.
My therapist suggested I get a bike to help me get some exercise and get out of the house since it was an activity I loved when I was a little kid.
I was already struggling with this as I have a lot of guilt over my son’s death I’m still working through and feel bad doing anything for myself. However, I finally brought it up to my partner (33m) and he said he’d like to get a bike too.
Here is the issue. My partner wants to mountain bike on trails as a family, with the two of us and my kids, and I hate mountain bikes. The last time I rode one I couldn’t feel my butt after a mile.
Don’t get me started on how confused gears make me. I want a plain old cruiser. They are way more comfortable and we only live a few blocks from the park where I could go ride it. I doubt we will go trail riding all the time as he claims.
But he just won’t stop on how much I at least need gears so I can keep up on trails. It’s making me feel like a huge jerk for just wanting a cruiser because he keeps bringing it up. He just goes on and on about it and it’s making me feel incredibly selfish, especially because he rarely wants to do any activities with me.
And it could be a good family activity we could all bond over.
This was supposed to be something for my mental and physical health but now I’m so stressed I don’t want a bike at all anymore. WIBTJ if I just got the cruiser like I wanted in the first place and tell him that I just won’t go trail riding if it’s that big of a deal?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s your exercise routine and your health. Those are very personal things. Personally, I can’t ride a bike at all (my mother was overprotective), but I can definitely appreciate not wanting to ride under conditions you aren’t comfortable with. Mountain bikes have their place, but I figure the whole bike gears thing is about the same as manual-shift v automatic shift in cars.
Yes, I can drive a stick, but I choose not to because it makes me nervous. All things aren’t for everyone.” ringwraith6
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! He’s kinda being one though. As someone who used to hike the trails, the bikers were so annoying so it makes me not like him even more that he’s pushing for it so much.
How old are your other kids? If they are young then mountain biking may be too much for them and a normal bike ride around the neighborhood and park would be more enjoyable. You do what you want and if you don’t have any activities in common and that bugs him enough to push you to do something you don’t wanna do then maybe he’s not the guy for you.
Take care of your mental and physical health first and don’t care what others think or want.” lordofthebuns17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t really about bikes at the end of the day. You’re taking steps to improve your mental health with an activity you like.
He’s trying to turn that into something he wants.
I can’t really blame him either for being enthusiastic but it seems like he’s disregarding your feelings towards mountain biking completely.
Get that bike you want, tell him clearly and calmly that you’re not interested in mountain biking and that if you ever are, you’ll tell him.
I’m very sorry for your loss.” MiruTheSloth
9. AITJ For Being Upset When The Guy I'm Seeing Asks Me To Ask Him Out?
“We’ve been going out for two months, and we have amazing chemistry. He paid for the first three times we went out, even though I offered to do so. (I considered it a kind move, but never forced him or anything).
The thing is today, (we’ve been talking every day) I told him I had a promotion at work, and I was genuinely super amazed by it.
He first congratulated me, and then he told me ‘So… now you’re inviting this guy out for some beer with this new payment?’
I don’t know if I’m exaggerating here, but I felt that was really rude.
Even as a woman I wouldn’t dare say something like that to him if he told me he had a promotion.
I told him I found that inappropriate and that I felt uncomfortable that a man was asking a woman for money.
He told me ‘I was just kidding, forgive me,’ and then added, ‘but I find it wrong that someone expects the other person to always pay or be willing to pay.’
I replied ‘Obviously, that wouldn’t be fair, but I think those things are appropriate when the relationship gets closer and this is a matter of consideration and etiquette, it’s not the money thing that bothers me.
It’s the lack of consideration, and consideration is important for me.’
I’m going out (he proposed) this Saturday but I feel so put off. The thing is I don’t want to express my discomfort because I feel it would put him off.
I feel like crap and this gave me an awful vibe, even though I feel I might be just exaggerating. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Whether it was meant as a joke or not and I do believe it was light-hearted, his comment shouldn’t be viewed as ‘inappropriate’ or ‘rude.’ What do you think is not considerate about his behavior in simply asking for a drink? Lots of friends say ‘you can buy me a drink next time instead’ or things like that when they do you a favor or are buying you a drink.
What’s the difference from when a partner would say that? There’s nothing inherently rude about it, just a way of meeting up again and perfectly normal in a balanced relationship or friendship where one party does not constantly take advantage of the other.
One could even consider your behavior to be inconsiderate since you haven’t actively paid before.
If you do decide not to keep seeing him, he’d have dodged a bullet since you seem to take ‘consideration and etiquette’ very seriously when it relates to the other party but remain vaguely ignorant of your own in not having paid for anything yet, which wouldn’t be so important or big a deal necessarily if you weren’t the one making a big deal out of him jokingly asking you.” Peristeronic_cat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It’s pretty common that the person getting a raise takes their friends out to celebrate, his joke does not seem offensive in any way. You could have handled it a lot better if you didn’t want him to think you were going to pay for him.
You could have jokingly said something like ‘we are celebrating ME! You pay!’ and then laughed it all off. Instead, you flew off the handle and made a weird comment about a ‘man asking a woman for money.’ That’s clearly not what he did, he has paid for you several times already so it was your turn anyway, and just being sexist is gross.
It’s 2022 for goodness sakes! YTJ x2″ IHeartSquirrels
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you don’t want to see him anymore over just this. This is a weird thing to get upset about if you were getting along. Maybe it was a thought poorly expressed but there is nothing sinister about suggesting somebody you plan to regularly hang with take a turn to pay.
I don’t really like how he brought it up but that doesn’t mean it’s rude to talk about at all.
Money is a difficult topic even for some people who know each other well but it’s very important to discuss, so I advise giving people a lot of latitude in what you consider the correct etiquette. Manners can’t be a shield to avoid talking about budgeting and fairness. That’s the way of grifters.” Effleuraged_skull
The only thing that gives me “pause” is his comment about one person always paying. You said you did offer to pay. I’m going to assume he declined your offer the first 3 dates.
So go out to dinner. Celebrate. You pay this time, without fanfare. Then see what happens on the next date after this.
It’s been a long time since I’ve dated but I always kind of went with the “whoever extends the invitation pays”.
If he invites you to something, he pays. If you invite him to something, you pay. If it’s something you both REALLY want to do and it’s expensive, then split the cost”.
8. AITJ For Being Angry That My Partner Refuses To Help Herself?
“My significant other and I have been together for about a year and a half roughly, and a little way into our relationship she got sick. As time went on it didn’t go away and we both got worried, so I told her she should go to the doctor and she refused.
After about a month of telling her to go to the doctors, she finally goes, and they do a bunch of tests none showing up with any results of what they tested for, but they said there’s one more test and she was supposed to do it but never came back to do it.
She then continued to non-stop complain about how sick she felt and couldn’t go out it ruined some of her friendships too with how much she’d miss out on plans but I stayed by her side. But I can’t help but feel mad at her for not doing much because she’s had so many opportunities after that one test she never went back to do it again, or other tests but she doesn’t go.
Then continues to complain about it, and it’s driving me insane, we don’t do anything anymore, we never go out, we hardly hang out, she doesn’t show up to school, and her education is going downhill. It’s because she won’t do anything about being sick.
She basically begs me to do her work for her or give up any time I have for myself to help her do her study work when she could’ve contacted teachers and anyone about what was happening.
I have my own mental health issues I understand she has some too but I feel like she’s dragging me down with her.
She’s also said some nasty things to me during our relationship like calling me a monster and that has really affected me mentally and I’m afraid to let her go because I feel like there will never be someone else. She’s also done things like make a bunch of promises she couldn’t keep such as saying she won’t hurt me (and I mean emotionally not physically,) but in three days had to make that promise again.”
Another User Comments:
“Mild YTJ.
Understand that it isn’t that easy. I went to the doctors about three times and spent thousands of dollars and they never found anything. It wasn’t until a year later I almost did not survive because I had extreme gallstones and my gallbladder almost burst.
Mind you I had been in excruciating pain for over a year and a half. When I was admitted the doctors told me they saw I had a gallstone but felt it wasn’t serious so they never gave me the results.
Google women who have been misdiagnosed or shrugged off when in serious medical pain or conditions, only to be sent away. My mom had a herniated disc and doctors just kept telling her she was fat.
There is probably a list of reasons she won’t continue to go to doctors.
Regardless, if you don’t want to support her, then don’t. But you are the jerk. US healthcare is disappointing and if she’s already gone and they found nothing, then what else is she supposed to do? She’s probably frustrated that no doctor can tell her what’s wrong and has to continually suffer, and you’re probably treating her like it’s her fault.” Reasonable-Inside-25
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You CAN NOT help people that won’t help themselves.
You are not a monster for not wanting to enable and for wanting to protect your own well-being. If they’re using manipulation to get you to do everything for them, complaining nonstop, calling you names when they don’t get their way? Not a healthy relationship.
Those aren’t loving actions.
As for ‘there won’t be anybody else’ that’s just not true. Don’t stay in a codependent relationship, stuck in some miserable limbo with that mindset. Think about how many people there are on the planet. Are you living out of Cast Away on an island somewhere with only a volleyball for company? I can’t promise you that every relationship will be easy or last, but there are so many people, so how could you not EVER meet anyone else?? Even being alone is better than being coupled and miserable, in my opinion.” ConferenceDecent4222
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
She should go do the testing in case it’s something she can do something about but you need to understand that chronic illnesses exist and sometimes there’s absolutely nothing that can be done. But she sucks for not trying to even find out what’s happening in case it can be fixed. But it’s hard to keep going to doctor’s appointments when you don’t feel well and they never help. So I get why she might be discouraged by all of it.” User
7. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Get Another Tattoo?
“I (23M) have been with my partner (22F) for around 2 years. She had a tattoo done when she was 18, though I’m not the biggest fan of it I’ve never said a thing since she looks stunning regardless. Around a year back, she asked me about my opinion on tattoos and if I’d mind if she were to get another.
To provide context, I’m a practicing Muslim. My beliefs are very important to me and are a massive part of my everyday life. Although she’s not religious herself, she has always been fully supportive and respectful toward me and my beliefs.
I’ve never tried to pressure her into my religion or force my beliefs onto her as it’s something one must explore and embrace themselves.
The first time we spoke about it, I explained my stance on tattoos clearly; saying how if I were to choose whether she’d get one or not – I’d rather she didn’t.
But essentially, that’s not my choice to make and I’d try and be supportive as much as I can no matter what she does. Though there isn’t a clear mention of tattoos in the Qur’an, the majority of scholars agree that having tattoos is a big sin, however, people that had tattoos done before they converted don’t need to get them removed – which is why I was feeling indifferent about her first tattoo.
She told me she understood my point of view and we haven’t spoken about it since.
Well, not until last night, when she brought up getting a tattoo once again and asked me how I’d feel if she were to do it.
I openly told her how I won’t be the one telling her what to do with her own body, but I believe she deserves to hear my honest opinion about it and if she were to get another tattoo done during our relationship, I’d see her in a different way.
Trying to be gentle with my words, I told her how our differences in our lifestyles, though not as important right now, will eventually be something we’d have to resolve, before settling down. I told her as her friend, if she wanted to get a tattoo done, she should do it and not care about anyone else’s opinion.
But as someone that eventually plans on settling down with her, I feel obligated to openly express my disapproval.
Shortly after, she started crying and told me how she felt I was giving her an ultimatum – which I completely understand and feel awful about.
Still, my beliefs remain a crucial part of my life and I don’t think it would’ve been fair to her if I were to lie about being fine with it either. Lastly, I told her I appreciated her consulting me before making any decisions and how her getting a tattoo done won’t lead to us breaking up; but it could hinder the way I see our relationship in the long term.
Though she eventually seemed unhinged, I can’t help but feel I hurt her feelings by not responding how she hoped I would.
AITJ for the way I reacted? Was there a better way to express my opinion, without stirring up an argument?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the manipulation tactics.
If you are religious and it’s important to you why are you with her? You clearly don’t accept her the way she is because of your religious beliefs. I think this is toxic for her and should consider breaking it off or she should break it off with you.
Telling her you will think differently about her because of a tattoo is a form of manipulation without telling her not to do it. You are entitled to your beliefs but not all beliefs deserve to be respected.” DeepFudge9235
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Not even because of the tattoo situation but because you are somehow expecting that down the road she will accept your faith and become a devout Muslim woman at your side without ever actually telling her that it is what you really want.
This is shady and backhanded. Stop stringing her along and treating her as the good enough booty call for now but not good enough for the long run. Not because of a tattoo but because she isn’t embracing YOUR faith and becoming the type of woman YOU want or NEED to marry.
If you cared about her you would break up with her because you know that this relationship has no future due to her not conforming to your expectations of a faithful woman.” strongandwhatever
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ
I don’t think you meant to hurt her, but your response does come across like an ultimatum: it’s up to you if you get this tattoo and if you were my friend it wouldn’t matter.
‘But you’re my partner so it could change my feelings down the line and jeopardize our romantic partnership. Let me know what you decide to do. We won’t break up right away.’
As a potential spouse, why is she held to a different standard as someone who does not share your belief system versus as a significant other? I can’t help wondering why you would go out with this person with this dynamic in place unless you’re (subconsciously? deliberately?) expecting them at some point to convert to the faith for you if things get serious enough.
I’m not saying that’s what’s happening here (and I haven’t actually read many of the other comments so I’m not sure what others are concluding.) But if she’s not a Muslim, then why does it matter how many tattoos she gets? Let her cover her body with them.
If tattoos are a deal breaker for you, then it seems kinder to not drag this out. It’s not fair to her if you’re planning on adding conditions to the relationship that you’re growing and shaping together the more serious it becomes.
It’s not fair to expect her to conform to the standards of your faith. And it’s not fair to set either you or her or both of you up for disappointment, frustration and confusion later on.
If those differences between you aren’t important now, then they shouldn’t be important later.
Do you love her enough to let her be herself?
In general, it’s unwise to enter any relationship expecting the other to change for you. Ever. If you choose them, you choose them, tattoos and all.
I don’t think you’re at fault for being conflicted about how this relationship fits into your belief system.
Your faith is important to you and you’re trying to work that out in the world in real-time and in real relationships. Having said that, in this particular instance, I think you’re not being as clear as you can be with your partner and I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself about what you really want.
Or else you wouldn’t be pressuring her to be someone she’s not. I don’t think that means you don’t care deeply about her. Quite the contrary. But the way you chose to handle this, as I think you already know, has exposed a rift that needs to be tended in order to honor both yourself and her.
I don’t mean to imply that you should break up. Or that you should stay together. Only that you take some time to really search your own heart and explore the boundaries of your faith as well as the boundaries of your love for this person.” LikePlutoComplex
6. AITJ For Snapping At The Director?
“I’m 17 and was spotlight in my high school’s production of ‘Into the Woods’. My drama director is not the best when it comes to scheduling and telling tech when to join in (he fully admits it). But that’s not why I cursed at him.
So the spotlight in our auditorium is old and needs to be cleaned by maintenance. Last year my spotlight friend found a way to turn off the fan. NEVER DO THAT IT CAN CAUSE A FIRE!
So they did that for both this performance and the ones onwards he wants it off.
And said, ‘That’s a risk I’m willing to take.’ (Talking about a fire) but not only that risk, but a risk of me possibly burning myself, the spotlight can get really hot once you get it going.
So I went up to the catwalk (this was a dress rehearsal), water bottle in hand.
I’m susceptible to heat stroke so I needed it. Not even two scenes in, it was hot on the catwalk. Before act one was over I passed out and a teacher who was not even supposed to be there helped me downstairs.
My director walks in. (Prior days ago a girl my age also passed out and was sitting in the audience). He says ‘Walk it off you’ll be fine!’ I snapped and cursed him out. Minutes before I was on the ground, unconscious.
My mom came to pick me up moments later. She gave me more water and iced my forehead so I could cool down. The next day the fan was on and he said a pitiful I’m sorry and explained that his sister walked off passing out like it was nothing and therefore I should too.
He also said that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who has spent extensive time in the theater, I can honestly say that basic safety is overlooked all too often, and a lot of young people then develop bad habits.
While I don’t advocate swearing at your teacher, you do need to advocate for yourself. If safety risks continue I suggest speaking with the administration. Don’t feel bad about walking away from a situation where you feel unsafe.” PNWPainter02
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’ve been in theatre tech for over a decade so I’ve seen my share of carelessness regarding health and safety. His actions were irresponsible to the point of negligence. Those fans are there for a reason, and turning them off created a totally unnecessary fire hazard (to say nothing of the damage he could have done to the lamps). You broke your school’s rules by swearing at him, but honestly, I’d have done the same thing in your position.” Venetrix2
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Help A Homeless Person?
“Currently, I’m (25m) living together with my ex (25F) of 6 years in a one bed, one bath basement apartment. The one ‘bedroom’ is where I sleep on a floor mat, keep all of my belongings, and house my snake. The living room has her bed, a couch, and a few other pieces of furniture.
All in all, the apartment is 1200Sq Ft. Due to our current lease agreement, we are locked in for a few more months together, but for the most part live together peacefully. A few weeks ago my ex had substance problems and was rushed to the emergency room, spent 4 days in the ICU, and another 8 in the psych ward.
She’s now back at our apartment.
Today while at work, my ex shoots me a text asking if she can call. Worried that it might be medical-related, I stepped away from what I was doing and gave her a call. She answers and proceeds to ask me if a friend can come live with us for a bit.
He’s going to be homeless soon and needs a place to crash for a while. While asking her a few questions such as ‘How long is he staying?’, ‘Where is he going to sleep?’, ‘Is he going to have a job while staying with us?’, I ask the question ‘So who is this friend?’ She proceeds to tell me that they met while she was staying in the psych ward, he’s a good guy at heart, and that she knows that he wouldn’t do anything such as steal.
After hearing that I tell her no, I don’t feel ok with that. They just met and for all we know he could have a history of violence. Our conversation ended with her calling me insensitive, a jerk, and to put myself in their shoes.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your ex is the jerk because she didn’t respect your answer, instead, she called you an insensitive jerk.
Your point of view is valid. I completely agree, but even if you had no concerns about the potential houseguest, you have the right to feel secure in your home and enjoy your privacy.
I think you have enough on your plate without inviting a stranger into your home. Your questions and your instincts are appropriate. Her instincts are absent. She cannot know if someone is a good person, having only known them only 4 days.
And once he moves in, good luck getting him out.” Squeakhound
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While helping is a good deed, you are not necessarily obliged to provide housing. I don’t know what the laws are where you are at but housing someone else can turn them into a tenant after a certain period and might even cause you trouble if the arrangement doesn’t work.
It happened to my current cleaning lady. She had someone else looking for a job in her house, after a few months this person eventually stopped looking for a job and financially became a burden. During one incident my cleaning lady called the police to throw this person out but because she’s been crashing there for almost half a year and has her clothes in one of the wardrobes, the police said she is also a tenant and can’t be evicted (even though the lease is only under my cleaning lady).
Long story short, listen to your gut.” cookieenmelk
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. She knows nothing significant about this person, why they were in the hospital, what event put him there and why he has no support network of his own that makes him ask a stranger to house him.
My brother is a heavy drinker that has worn out every opportunity for help, he is charming to begin with, but eventually, his demons surface and he has to leave wherever he is.
You are already in a volatile living situation and adding to this could make either one of them spiral.
I am sure your ex means well but for her mental health, she needs to focus on her recovery, not someone else’s. I wish you luck on explaining your thoughts to her without it sending her to her dark place.” Punky_jill
4. WIBTJ For Confronting My Bully?
“I (18F) went to my cousin’s birthday dinner, as it happens to be on 4/20 lucky her lol. I had recently moved back to where I lived as a younger kid living with my grandparents after a dispute (horrible) with my parents.
I thought moving would be an escape but it still brought back old demons from my past. We all went to a K BBQ place and the teenagers sat at one table and the adults at the other. Of course, no one talked to me because I guess I’m not that interesting or respected enough, I only came for free food.
When I looked over my shoulder, I saw a familiar face. It came to my mind that it was a kid that I knew from high school freshman year.
That kid bullied me when I was already suffering from PTSD from multiple places (I had a trashy childhood) and a kid stalking me claiming to be in love with me, among the anxiety of moving.
He often made fun of my appearance, him, and along with his two buddies. It was horrendous as I always was on watchful guard for my stalker, and now I had to worry about this. I went to my teachers yet nothing was done, and eventually, I moved.
I became a whole lot tougher and meaner since freshman year.
At that moment seeing him I filled with rage so much I almost burst. I told my cousins and of course, they were more concerned talking about some game stuff. I didn’t end up confronting him because I didn’t want to initially make a scene, but WIBTJ if I did confront him?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ for confronting a bully.
I think it was probably good you didn’t though, it doesn’t seem as though you’ve moved on from high school at all (little wonder as you’re only 18) and so it probably just would have been the same situation as back then.
My sister was horrendously bullied by… actually everyone at her school. When she bumps into them now they’re really embarrassed because she grew up to have an amazing career and a loving husband and two adorable kids. She’s too mature to shove it in their faces though, when it happens she just says hi.” undead_sissy
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ – Being bullied is a truly terrible experience.
But lashing out at someone for something that happened years ago at another person’s birthday dinner would probably ruin the entire night.
It sucks, but they might not even recognize or remember you. If they had approached you, spoke to you, instigated something towards you first.
You wouldn’t be the jerk. You would be defending yourself and other people would probably have your back.
If you see this person in another setting, you could try confronting them then. But even if you did, I doubt you would get an outcome that you would be happy with.” dmitch79
3. AITJ For Saying My Friend Is A Narcissist?
“I got into an argument with my friend when I mentioned to him that he was late all the time. He blew up at me saying ‘he doesn’t want to hear it’ and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day.
The next day I sent him a text saying we should talk about it and how I was surprised he acted that way and he basically deflected the situation but he brought up a good point that I respected. Basically, the argument doesn’t end well and he tells me ‘we’re done for a bit’ and I end up calling him a narcissist.
I fear that a lot of my frustrations built up at one point when I said that word. We exchanged a few more words and as of now, it has been a week since we talked.
Without sounding too one-sided, my friend can be pretty inconsiderate.
I’m definitely not the perfect friend either but I do notice that he doesn’t care about my interests/time as much as his own. We had a similar argument after we planned a trip last year where he complained the entire trip and left me to figure out how to navigate a city we had never been to before.
When I brought it up he got mad.
Edit: for those who needed more context, he only talks about himself, has little interest in my hobbies, uses my car as a taxi service, and actively tried to stop me from going to my club meetings going as far as to say ‘would they even miss you if you didn’t go?’ Didn’t get me a birthday present because he needed to buy an expensive jacket for himself first.
On top of being late. All reasons I called him a narcissist.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Running late once or twice is understandable, but actually not caring about other people’s time is annoying. The fact that he said ‘he doesn’t want to hear it’ instead of saying my bad for running late.
I don’t understand why people are calling you the jerk, nobody likes to be waiting on someone all the time. But why are you still friends with someone that doesn’t care about you, this friendship is obviously one-sided, not worth it.” HistorySweet9902
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You can’t go throwing around ‘narcissist’ unless you believe he is literally the textbook definition. If that’s the case, then NTJ, but if not, nothing is going to change. So based on him being late alone, everyone sucks here.” Strong-Bear4322
Another User Comments:
“I would say NTJ for being upset and/or fed up with him.
However, you shouldn’t call him a narcissist, for even with your edit that’s not what it sounds like. Now he does sound like an awful friend and completely self-centered, yet that’s not the same thing. So in short don’t use the term narcissist incorrectly and lose the selfish ‘friend.'” Rich_Development_748
2. AITJ For Arguing With My Partner Over Something I Can't Control?
“My (21 F) partner (33 F) (we will call her ‘S’) and I got into a super big fight after I stepped on the road with the wrong foot. I don’t know why, but I have a problem where I have to step on cracks in the road/sidewalk with my right foot and if I don’t, I freak out and get super grumpy.
I’m not like this in ANY other aspect of my life and I don’t know why this happens.
Well, S and I were walking, and I stepped on a crack in the road with my left foot and started crying. I had already had a really bad week, and this just sent me over the edge.
I don’t know why, but S started yelling at me and telling me I was embarrassing her, as we were in a pretty public space. We immediately got into the car and left. When we got home, after she lectured me the entire way there, I snapped and told her she was being a jerk for yelling at me about something I can’t control.
She called me a drama queen and told me I do this for attention and it’s just unnecessary and makes everybody uncomfortable.
Later, we were going to bed, and I told her to go sleep on the couch if she was going to be upset with me about something I cannot control and she called me a drama queen yet again and told me I had no right to start a fight.
Now, as I type this out from the couch, I can’t help but think she may be right. I mean, it is pretty embarrassing for me to freak out like that in public and then start a fight about it.
AITJ? How do I fix it?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
If I were in your partner’s position I would definitely not be super nice if you have episodes like this and are not currently getting help. On the other hand, as someone with fairly extreme mental illness myself, I understand that reactiveness like this cannot always be helped.
That being said, YWBTJ if you do not seek help from a mental health professional. Your partner would also be the jerk if you started therapy and she does not make an effort to be more understanding and patient with you.” batmandi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Now, a partner should be encouraging you to seek help for this sort of behavior instead of brushing it off as you being embarrassing and a ‘drama queen’. It doesn’t mean they have to tolerate it if you refuse to seek help, but reading your other responses I’m thinking you weren’t aware of a possible mental issue and despite your partner being TWELVE YEARS OLDER she seems pretty clueless as well.
I normally don’t care much about age gaps if people are on the same page, but based on this scenario I think the best thing would be to kick her to the curb and get into therapy. If she had said ‘Babe, I think you need to see a therapist, this is not normal behavior’ then you wouldn’t be surprised by the people suggesting that you might have OCD.
But since this seems to be news to you, I think your partner has just been bad at being a caring, helpful partner.” MissAnxiousCupcake
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. When my anxiety is getting the better of me, I don’t like to walk underneath a power line that connects to the ground by going over the sidewalk.
For a while, I thought it was just a superstition and would step around them, but when I realized how worked up it could really get me, I looked for help. This is an extreme reaction, even after a bad week, and you are fostering this habit, and letting it cause strife between you and a loved one. The way you stepped is not the issue, it is the way you are letting this (less than healthy) coping mechanism control you.” honeysuckleshadows
Have you gotten therapy for this reaction? Have you and your partner discussed it numerous times with her having told you numerous times that you need help, you not getting help and then continuing to have the same over the top public reaction when you step on a crack? If this is the case, then you are the jerk.
It may also be that she’s 12 years older, in probably a different place in her life with a different level of maturity and doesn’t feel like dealing with 20-something melodrama.
I find that as I get older I have less patience with younger people because frankly, it seems like ya’ll can’t cope with anything.
1. AITJ For Being Mad At My Best Friend For Kissing My Crush?
“I (23f) started seeing a guy I have a crush on. I was seeing him every weekend that I could. I had told Emilia (23f), my best friend for 10 years, that I was kind of starting to catch some feelings for this guy but I wasn’t going out of my way yet because I knew he was somewhat of a player and I was still exploring a lot of things that I never could because I was in a relationship for 2 and a half years.
I got invited over to someone’s house one night and my crush was going to be there, he said I could bring Emilia and one of my guy friends (we’ll call him J) over. I picked up my crush from his buddy’s place and drove us to the friend’s house.
Emilia and J arrived at the house about 15 minutes later. All was going well, we were dancing, singing, and playing card games, and after about an hour, I ended up leaving for an hour to go see a friend I hadn’t seen in a few months.
Emilia was a bit wasted by the time I got back. By around 3 am, I ended up driving her and me back to her place and on the way, she was smiling at her phone and replying pretty quickly to her texts, which if you knew her, is very unusual because she is a HORRIBLE texter.
I asked who she was talking to and she said my crush. I replied back with, ‘Oh? You gave him your number?’ and she went on to say yes that he asked for it to make sure we got home safely.
A few minutes later she asked, ‘How much do you like him?’ I confusedly said that I told her before we went out that night that I liked him, she said ‘Oh, I thought you didn’t really have any feelings for him.’ I guess me talking about him the last few months didn’t stick in her brain.
3 months after this, Emilia moved back to a different city. I had gone to a party with my crush, we were playing beer pong when he just randomly said, ‘You know, Emilia kissed me that night you left our friend’s house.’ I was so stunned.
He said she was texting him some flirty things as well and wanted to hang out with him. I was upset. I was fuming.
When I got home in the morning, I called Emilia. I asked her if she kissed him, she hesitated for a moment and then said yes, and started to cry, like ball her eyes out.
She said that it was because she was wasted and thought he was cute and couldn’t help herself. (By the way, she has done this with pretty much every guy I have EVER liked. She will like them too, try to get with them and flirt with them and of course, they go with her because I’m a bit more shy and introverted.
The difference is, this time she actually did something and kept it a secret.) I told her that was really out of line and explained how much it hurt me and I asked her if she would have ever told me about it if it wasn’t for him telling me, and she said no.
Am I the jerk for still letting her come up and being distant with her for the first few days of her coming up?”
Another User Comments:
“She is like this with every guy? YTJ for being friends with someone who treats you like crap.
YTJ for not cutting this toxic, lying, backstabbing two-faced jerk completely out of your life. She isn’t your friend. You are NTJ for being mad. But honestly, you need to be madder. If you are going to keep allowing toxicity in your life, it’s only going to make you sick and weak.
Now you know she is toxic without a doubt. What are you going to do about it?” Previous-Ad-982
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, I’ve been close to girls like this before. She will never change. Ever. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to constantly have your relationships threatened by someone who views any attention you receive as a threat to her self-worth because to be honest, that’s what it is.
NTJ, you need to get better friends.
You might be thinking you should let her back in your life because of the time you’ve spent together, but if she’s always been constantly pulling stupid stunts like this, it means she learned a long time ago that she can walk all over you whenever she likes without any consequences…
don’t you think it’s time you gave her some? Friendships can be as toxic as relationships, I would say drop her.
PS: I’m sorry this happened to you. I was ‘best friends’ with a girl for three years, and then she slept with the guy I was seeing the day my grandma passed away.
This stuff hurts and stays with you for a long time. I really hope you can remove yourself from this mess before something worse happens.” lstrprdt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she doesn’t seem like a friend though. If you do remain friends with her know that there’s absolutely no way you should place any form of trust in her again.” ThomzLC
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