People Request Our Input On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
14. AITJ For Wanting To Reconnect With My Family's Tribe?
“My family is part Native American. My grandma is half. She is elderly and on a fixed income. It’s all verified with records and confirmed that we have family on the Dawes rolls. The issue is that a few generations back our family was effectively detribalized due to a closed adoption, even though the adoption was within the tribe (another enrolled tribal family adopted her).
At the time of this, you could be enrolled into the tribe as a member through adoption if your adoptive family was enrolled too. The application was denied unfairly (she met the requirements) though and the family didn’t do much to appeal until a generation later.
With the help of some professional genealogists and a DNA analyst, we figured out who the bio parents were. They are dead though and passed away in the 1940s.
In order to enroll, we have to prove the DNA link by getting DNA from the two buried/deceased family members or hiring an enrollment lawyer.
To exhume the bodies it would be around 2k each and the DNA testing would be under $200 each.
This is something that is extremely important to my Grandma and I really want to help her.
It’s important to our family in general and something I’ve always wanted to pursue. She has dealt with racism her whole life for not being white, and then also was rejected officially by the tribe when she tried to enroll.
So she never felt she fit in. Being officially recognized by her tribe would be majorly healing and significant for our whole family.
The issue: I am a stay-at-home parent to 5 kids (all my husband’s) and my husband has a job that takes him away a lot.
He makes around 200k/yr so the cost of this is not a significant amount. When I told him about it he immediately mocked me and told me I would have to find a way to pay for it myself because it’s ridiculous and I’m ‘just a white girl.’ That there was ‘no way he is paying for this.’ I should also mention that he refuses to pay for childcare so I can get a job.
This whole thing has actually really made me question things and I’m feeling stuck and disrespected.
I’m really hurt about the fact that he is being insensitive about this but he thinks I’m the jerk for expecting ‘him’ to pay for it.
I was always told that the he makes is ours and that I’m doing him a favor by staying home with all of these kids he wanted. He always tells me that is my ‘job’ but apparently not because I can’t even save up a few grand to spend on something significant to me.
I even told him it would be okay if we saved for a while and didn’t do it all at once. He still mocked me and wouldn’t agree. I tried pointing out some positive things that would impact our kid’s lives by being able to reconnect officially with our tribe and he didn’t care.
AITJ for expecting my husband to let me pay for this expense ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a massive problem with your husband. He mocks you and treats you contemptuously, and is also financially abusing you.
In a fair single income marriage, the stay-at-home parent should have equal access to the marital funds, because both parents’ efforts create the ability to earn at a job and raise children at home.
What he is doing is lording his income over you, preventing you from saving funds, having the autonomy to buy personal things, or even just the economic security that you won’t be thrown out of your home broke.
He reserves all the power to dictate that you’ll stay at home, and this is a horrible power dynamic that is not part of a loving marriage. This needs to change, or one day you’ll be trapped and unable to leave without severe hardship.
And his dismissal of your request to go through the process is not good. He clearly doesn’t understand the history of genocide and discriminatory practices the US has enacted on Native Americans. And his behavior is racist in wanting to continue to erase your heritage, complicit in a racist institution.
Your family was disenfranchised due to circumstances out of their control, and you’d like to restore what you can, for the good of your grandmother and family. If it weren’t for US colonization, this convoluted detribalizing situation wouldn’t even be a thing, so any non-racist person married to a person with Native American ancestry should be all on board with fixing this.
$2500 out of $200k yearly is like $250 for a $20k yearly income, it’s not that much. It’s the equivalent of some electronic device for the average working-class person. It’s really telling that he refuses to do something that negligibly impacts him but would change your life forever.
He has this level of disdain and disrespect towards you that is pretty much impossible to come back from. He has black-and-white thinking and a belief that his perspective is more right than yours, and has no empathy for your situation.
He knows just as well as you that you have no way of getting that moolah or hiring someone else for childcare, and that’s exactly what he wants. You may have been slowly backed into this corner, but he’s the one who pushed you there and refuses to let you out.
Please work towards finding some way to save up so you have the option of leaving him.” Lumoseyne
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You have a bunch of separate issues.
Your husband refusing to exhume two bodies (!!) and spend 5,000+ dollars so your grandma can have a piece of paper proving her pedigree and her membership back is reasonable.
Your own children likely won’t qualify for any benefit, (if they’re 1/16th, they start venturing into the ‘you’re more white than white people for having said that out loud’ territory, though that will truly solidify with their own 1/32 kids).
This also appears like it’s an entire family issue. As in: multiple/ all grown-ups on your side of the family want this to happen and will get memberships out of it. Yet, instead of pooling their resources together, all of you are expecting your rich husband to foot the bill.
Not cool.
He may be more amenable if you could explain tangible benefits, such as you, as a member, would get such and such, or if the children do qualify, they may be eligible for scholarships.
He may be adamantly against it permanently if your side of the family commonly expects him to pay for things.
Your financial dependence and your husband’s attitude are completely different issues from the exhuming dead bodies.
If your current arrangement is that you can use the to generally buy whatever you want/ need for yourself without scrutiny outside of large purchases, that’s pretty normal and not financial if he refuses to approve a $5k expense (if you can’t buy anything without approving of it, then it would be).
Wanting to revisit the arrangement so you receive some private ‘fun’ allowance that’s considered just yours, which you could then save up, would be fine to negotiate for, and is also normal. But, you may have a difficult time convincing him to switch to this new arrangement if he thinks he can’t trust you not to impulsively give it all to your family for this, so I’d raise it separately as a ‘this has made me realize…’ thing, not an ‘I’d like the budget to pay for this’.
If grandma isn’t in danger of dying soon, maybe wait until your youngest makes it to preschool to get a part-time job, and begin saving for this (with the understanding that your part-time job would still be ‘family’ money, not solely yours, unless both you and your husband agree to have % that are considered separate and private.
It isn’t fair if your husband’s entire paycheck is ‘family’ but yours is entirely just yours, simply because it’s small). Or, suggest your other family members divide the cost. If it’s a few hundred dollars, rather than a few thousand, it’s far more reasonable to ask hubby.” fannubal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but unfortunately it sounds like you might not be able to get the resources for your grandma as long as the jerk holds the purse strings.
However, you might want to discreetly google ‘signs of financial abuse’ in an incognito tab. A visit to a lawyer for a consultation about your rights in your state would also be very prudent.
Even if you don’t want to separate, you might want to know what situation you could expect if your marriage ever dissolved. What would happen to you, a stay-at-home mother of five, if he asked for a divorce tomorrow? If he’s mocking you like this, you do not have a healthy marriage.
Also… if you don’t have access to the whole financial situation… it might be good to try to look up filed taxes or get a report, or something. You would NOT be the first spouse to trust their partner to handle finances, only to find in reality the family was deep in debt with ruined credit. I would love to be wrong, but the aggressive nature of his reaction makes me uneasy.” Bubblegrime
13. AITJ For Refusing To Watch My Sister's Stepkid And Exposing Her Lies To Her Husband?
“My f/21 sister Jess, f/30, is married and has a 5 yo stepson. Her husband works full time and she is a stay-at-home mom.
Every Monday, she’d call my mom at 9 am to get her to go over to her house and watch her stepkid for a few hours, I live at home with my parents and so I’ve noticed this routine for weeks now.
Last week mom went out of town to visit some relatives, and yesterday (Monday) at 9 am my sister called asking me to come to watch her stepkid for a few hours because she had an important thing to do.
I said no because I had to go study and also she does this every Monday so clearly it wasn’t important or urgent but she insisted it was, I told her sorry but no.
She ended the call then I went to the university.
Hours later, I got a call from my brother-in-law asking where my sister was, I said I had no idea. He proceeded to tell me he had just come home at 1 pm and found his son by himself at the house.
I was in shocked that my sister left her stepkid by himself so she could go God knows where. I told him about the conversation I had with her and he got angry.
In the evening,g my sister came over and started making a scene by yelling at me for bailing on her after she sent me a text message telling me she was already out of the house to force me to come to watch her stepson.
I didn’t see the message til she told me but she said I did this deliberately and also, exposed her to her husband because she told him she’d be at home with the kid.
Not just that, but I also told her husband that mom comes over every Monday morning to watch the kid for a few hours which caused a huge fight between him and my sister.
She yelled that I was petty and selfish and just stirred stuff and caused issues in her marriage by tattling to her husband. I couldn’t keep arguing I went into my room and started playing music.
My dad and the others said I was to blame for not helping my sister and now being the reason she and her husband are in conflict.
AITJ?
Okay, guys so I saw a few questions asked multiple times so I’ll just put the answers out there for all to see.
My brother-in-law’s wife is deceased.
Brother in law is always at work when my sister calls my mom to get her to come over and watch her stepson.
Most of you guys are asking where my sister goes every Monday, and I even saw someone mention that I was the jerk for not finding out, but I don’t know anything, I have no idea what’s going with my sister and I thought it was none of my business.
UPDATE: Guys! I’ve decided to try and find out what is really going on with Jess. I’m not the type to snoop and it’s not my business but she already made it my business by turning the family against me because of something she did.”
Another User Comments:
“Not only are you NTJ, but let’s be EXTREMELY, EXCEPTIONALLY, ABSOLUTELY CRYSTAL CLEAR about something here:
‘My dad and the others said I was to blame for not helping my sister and now being the reason she and her husband are in conflict.’
You are not to blame for ANY of this.
Your sister is to blame for EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of this, and there are plenty. Just for fun, let’s enumerate some of them:
You are not to blame for ‘not helping your sister’ in a situation where she only NEEDED help in the first place to cover up for a lie that she still hasn’t come clean about, and which is likely seriously problematic since she’s been keeping it from her husband for weeks, if not longer.
Not helping someone be sneaky and dishonest is not a character flaw on your part.
You are ABSOLUTELY not ‘the reason she and her husband are in conflict’. She is a 30-year-old woman who made a deliberate and voluntary choice to leave a 5-year-old child alone for hours.
That’s not just poor judgment, it’s child neglect and completely illegal. It’s also not your responsibility. You didn’t hold a gun to her head and force her not to take care of her stepchild, a responsibility she willingly took on and agreed to with her husband.
She made that choice all by herself. In the eyes of the law, she is completely culpable, and ethically she is as well. None of this is on you.
You are not to blame for the fact that she is seemingly incapable of taking responsibility for her own behavior, and the rest of your family enables that, even when she endangers a child.
Nope. You are NTJ, and good for you for saying something to your brother-in-law. He deserves to know that his wife is a liar and a danger to his small child. You may be the only decent person in your family.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the sister is out of her mind.
There is enough gaslighting here to kill a small town.
1: In the evening my sister came over and started making a scene by yelling at me for bailing on her after she sent me a text message telling me she was already out of the house to force me to come to watch her stepson.
Um no that is NOT your child. It is hers. She was out of the house leaving the kid with no one and that is ALL HER. It is not your job to fix the abandonment.
2: she said I did this deliberately and also, exposed her to her husband because she told him she’d be at home with the kid.
SHE is the one who lied to her husband. SHE is the one who abandoned a child.
She is the one that didn’t get a sitter. You are NOT the parent.
3: I also told her husband that mom comes over every Monday morning to watch the kid for a few hours which caused a huge fight between him and my sister.
She yelled that I was petty and selfish and just stirred stuff and caused issues in her marriage by tattling to her husband.
She lies to her husband for multiple weeks and somehow she is blaming you for telling the truth that your mother is covering for her.
The truth never causes issues. The lies they are covering cause the problems. Again you have ZERO responsibility for HER LIES. She lied multiple times and got caught and I’m willing to bet that the affair your mother has been covering up is going to cause a divorce.
And the STBX Son in Law will not be happy with the mother enabling it.
Honestly put it on Social Media. ‘My sister is blaming me because when she abandoned the kid. I did not immediately drop everything so she could have an affair every Monday.
My mother was stuck covering this up for her and I will not be blamed for her abandoning a child to get laid.’
She wants to gaslight, so get a blow torch.” KindlyIdea2333
Another User Comments:
“I’m trying to unpack what’s happening:
1.
Your sister is going out every Monday. She rings your mum on the day to babysit her stepson. If it’s a weekly event, she obviously knows in advance that she is going to need childcare.
Even if it’s not literally every single week, and she only finds out at the last minute, it isn’t exactly unforeseeable.
2. Your mum was out of town and had been for a few days.
Did she tell your sister that she wouldn’t be available this week? If so, your sister had time to make alternative arrangements. Even if your mum didn’t tell your sister, that isn’t your problem (or at least, it shouldn’t be.) If she told your sister that you would stand in without running it past you first, she had no right to do so, and you have every right to refuse to go along with the fait acompli.
3. Your sister rang you. You said you couldn’t help. She went out, leaving the 5-year-old home alone. She sent you a message saying that you would have to miss university to babysit, and didn’t check that you had seen it.
Whatever your sister was doing was clearly far too important for her to pull out of. For reasons unbeknown to you, she wasn’t prepared to ring her husband (the child’s father) to come home from work.
However, she was happy to demand that you pull out of your prior engagement.
4. Husband is understandably mad at his wife that she left his 5-year-old home alone for several hours. Sister and dad say it’s your fault.
You are not the jerk. Your sister and your dad are. Your brother-in-law is rightly blaming your sister.
Your brother-in-law clearly didn’t know that your mum regularly babysits on Mondays. She is going to be interrogated when she gets back. Expect more flack from her.
Report her to child protection. This is neglect. Your brother-in-law is right to be mad with your sister.” Aggressive-Fudge5759
12. AITJ For Kicking My Daughter Out?
“Since the day she was born, me (44 F) and my daughter (26 F) have had an amazing relationship. Her brother was in a horrible car accident when he was 8, leaving him fully paralyzed.
Their father left because of the medical expenses, leaving our family in debt. This meant I had to work many late-hour jobs.
Let’s call my daughter Hailey, and my son Noah. Hailey had to take care of Noah despite only being 3 years older.
I have always reminded Hailey of how grateful I am for her help and that she didn’t have to do it if she didn’t want to. But, being the great sister she is, she continued to take care of him until he passed away when she was 24.
Now, this matters because recently Hailey and I have been arguing. My daughter met a boy we can call Jaden and they started going out. When I first met Jaden, he was an absolute sweetheart and was such a help around the house.
Fast forward about 6 months or so, my daughter convinced me to let Jaden live with us. They informed me they were both saving up for an apartment together even though Hailey was still in medical school which was the reason I was still letting her live in the house.
Immediately though, when Jaden moved into the house things went wrong. All he did was eat my food, play video games, and sit around the house all day. My last straw was when I found the source of the rancid smell in the house.
Jaden has been soiling the couch with his PEE.
I told Hailey that Jaden has to go. She told me he was the love of her life and I would regret this. It was unbelievable in my mind.
I sat them both down and had a talk about what was going to happen; either Jaden left or both of them did. Hailey was enraged and screamed at me saying she did everything for me such as taking care of Noah.
I was fighting back tears when I told her to get out immediately and that she wasn’t welcome here anymore. So, AITJ for kicking out my daughter?
EDIT: My daughter and I are in contact! She is now staying with me still and has broken up with Jaden.
We still love each other very much and can agree that she will make better choices in her love life in the future. Hailey understood I said what I said out of anger and she said nasty things too because she was hurt.
We are working on getting through this together and I appreciate all of the people who understood I tried my best as a mother.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Jaden needs to go. What grown man pees on a couch? And what grown woman is okay with her partner peeing on a couch? I think there are some deeper issues at hand here, but pee-boy is just the head of the rupture.
It sounds like your daughter has deeper issues about her childhood. It probably needs a good airing out.
But the real issue at hand, for you, is that her man is taking advantage of the sweet deal he got out of Hailey – a nice place to crash, chill, play vidoe games, free food to boot, and a couch to pee on.
He sounds like the type of dude that is going to mooch off her when she gets done with medical school. You need to have a good sit-down chat about what Jaden was doing, and why it is unacceptable, but you should also be ready to hear Hailey talk about whatever she needs to let out about her childhood.
NTJ and not your fault, either.” My_Cat_Louie
Another User Comments:
“I know you’ve said your daughter had a lot of adult help and you didn’t put pressure on her to help out physically with your son’s care, but I bet there was a lot of invisible pressure on her.
Maybe she didn’t ask for things she wanted because finances were tight, maybe she shielded you from some of the things she was feeling or didn’t have some emotional needs met in some capacity which is why she immediately threw that she did everything for him in anger.
Don’t downplay her contributions just because she didn’t change bandages and her grandma/aunts helped. You BOTH were handed a really trashy deck and I’m sorry.
Jaden likely won’t last if she’s in medical school, but your relationship with her needs to if you want to see her succeed.
Throwing her out jeopardizes her future and gives Jaden a bigger role in her life. This in turn means she’ll ultimately support him financially until she likely won’t be able to stick with school or gets pregnant or all of the above.
A gentle YTJ. Mother-daughter fights can get nasty but I have hope after a good talk, you both can come back from this.” BbyLemonade
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Why is your seemingly intelligent and ambitious daughter with that guy, who seems like a manipulator and derelict? What could she possibly see in him? It’s one thing to care for a non-ambulatory person like her brother, but it seems like Jaden is fully able-bodied, yet acts like he can’t function as such.
He’s disgusting, and the fact your daughter is defending him is concerning. She can do SO much better.
You deserve to have a home where you can come home to peace, not a disgusting smell of human pee and a leech taking advantage of your kindness.
I’m sorry your daughter chose that loser over you, but I’ll guarantee one thing, the novelty of that relationship will wear off and her new reality will become crystal clear, and she won’t be happy.
Stand by to hear about her dropping med school grades, increased stress, financial troubles, etc.
Now you need to figure out if you’ll allow your daughter to return home should things go south for her. And if you do, what kind of boundaries/rules will be in place.” SilentCounter6750
11. AITJ For Refusing To Go To Christmas Dinner With My Ex And Her New Fiancée?
“We were together for nearly 12 years and we divorced last year when she came out as a lesbian and announced she was in love with a colleague who’s now her fiancée. We have a 13-yo daughter and an 11-year-old daughter.
We share custody but aren’t friends on a personal level.
Every Christmas, we got together with the kids and my parents up until we split. But because of what’s happened, we were undecided about what to do this year.
I obviously don’t want to be around her and her new woman. I mean – who would want to be around an ex? So I was thinking I’d spend the day with my parents with the girls being with her and then I’d have them maybe Boxing Day.
So we were talking the other day and we were discussing Christmas and she asked me what my plans were. I told her I was thinking above. She said she and her fiancée were wanting to invite me around so I can see the girls and stay with them in the spare room.
I told her I don’t feel like it, and that I would rather be with my folks than have them Boxing Day. She said that was unfair and I needed to think of the kids.
At this, the girls got wind and asked me if I’d come. I said I didn’t think I could. They basically shut me down and don’t want to talk to me now unless I come.
Here’s where I’m torn. I spoke to my folks about it and they said they obviously want me there but would understand if I didn’t. But at the same time, it’s going to be difficult to play happy families with her, her fiancée, and the girls knowing what’s gone on.
AITJ for refusing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a tough situation, and I get why you wouldn’t want to go. You do have to think of your kids, but personally, I would sit down with them and explain that you love them and do want to spend time with them, but it would upset you to spend time with their mum and her new partner and that you want to have a fun day with them on Boxing Day instead and not have a weird Christmas you wouldn’t enjoy.
They may not understand now but I’m willing to bet they will in the future.” BingandBong123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your discomfort won’t magically disappear if you’re there, and your kids will pick up on that and probably will have a worse Christmas.
They’re just excited now about the idea of all their parents together again. They aren’t seeing what would most likely happen. That’s not their fault, but it definitely makes your ex the jerk for sharing the option with them when she’s already heard how uncomfortable it makes you.” rileygreyy
10. AITJ For Not Agreeing To A Name Change For My Daughter?
“My ex and I were engaged, living together, and planning on trying for kids after the wedding. The wedding got delayed and I found out I was pregnant shortly after. My ex freaked out.
Insisted it couldn’t be his baby because he wasn’t ready to be a dad, that this was all happening too fast and wasn’t how we planned it and said he needed some time to think everything over.
He then moved out, blocked me, and didn’t answer any kind of attempted contact for 10 months.
Our child was born without him there and I named our daughter, ‘Elizabeth Laura Smith’ without his input.
Elizabeth because I like it and it reminds me of my favorite book character (I work in literature), Laura after my grandmother, and Smith is my surname. My ex has reached out. He said he waited this long because he wasn’t sure how far along I was when we were together but he figured the baby had to have been born by now.
I said that his timing was a little off because she’s 5 months old.
Ex has said he’s planning to sort out custody. We’ve not discussed logistics yet, but he’s unlikely to get anything before she turns 1.
He asked if I’d named her yet, and I told him what I’d named her.
Ex then said he hates that name. He thinks it sounds old and stuffy. He says that as his mother, ‘Mary’, has recently (November 2019) passed away, he wants to name our daughter Mary.
He says Mary must be the first name and that I can have either Elizabeth or Laura as the middle name.
I made clear, in no uncertain terms, that I will not change her name.
I hate the name, Mary. I hate how it sounds, both alone and with ‘Elizabeth/Laura Smith’ on the end of it. Plus I didn’t like his mother, either (though I didn’t remind him of that).
Ex said that if we’re going to co-parent then I have to learn to compromise and this is the place to start and that it’s unfair that I got to choose both her first and middle name.
I said that if he hadn’t blocked me for the better part of a year, he’d have been able to say all of this when she was born.
Ex said that the above is proof that I’m being petty and that he can’t undo the past, but I can prevent any feelings of dislike/resentment from him over this name in the future, and that as the father he should have a say in his daughter’s name.
He also says that he’s willing to let her be a “Smith” and not force me to use his surname, which he feels is proof he has already negotiated.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your fiancé found out you were pregnant, abandoned you, refused to respond to any communication, blocked you completely for nearly a year, and now thinks he can just waltz in and rename your daughter because he’s ready to be a father.
God no! How old is he?! He has no grounds to show up 5 months after Elizabeth was born and demand you change her name! What were you supposed to call her for 5 months?! His excuse that Elizabeth is old and stuffy and Mary isn’t is hilarious, he sounds very immature.
You are not being petty by refusing to change the name of a 5-month-old child. Fight this, he’s manipulating you by implying you did something wrong and he is in the right. HE ABANDONED YOU AND HIS UNBORN CHILD! He’s a loser and I’d seriously question his ability to be a responsible co-parent to treat you fairly and amicably based on just his behavior.” Careless_Bluejay_113
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He can demand all he likes but you don’t have to do a thing. He’s acting like it won’t look good for you in court if you don’t change your baby’s name after 5 months, completely forgetting about his own trashy behavior.
If he stands up and court and says this in front of a judge the judge is going to think he is ridiculous and it will hurt him more than you.
You don’t need to be friends to co-parent.
Tell him all further discussions of her name are off the table and he is free to name his next baby Mary if he wants. He doesn’t have to like this. I’d say it’s just desserts for being a total spineless coward and acting like a child for 10+ months while you behaved like an adult and dealt with a difficult situation.” Momof3dragons2012
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The name on her birth certificate is the one you chose. You had to deal with pregnancy and the first FIVE months of her babyhood on your own and he thinks that he should come in and dictate the name of the baby and YOU should learn compromise? Where was his sense of compromise when he worked with you on handling the pregnancy? Oh, right, it wasn’t there, he made the unilateral decision that if HE wasn’t ready then it couldn’t be HIS baby and therefore not HIS responsibility but dumped it all on you and left you completely unsupported.
Did he compromise on handling sleepless nights with the baby, midnight feedings, diaper changes, or any sort of parenting for the first 5 months? No, he wasn’t even THERE. Now when it’s convenient for HIM, he saunters back and starts thinking he can dictate what you do.
This is nonsense. This man will not be a good co-parent, and I advise you to get a lawyer. Give the ex a little time to redeem himself but if he continues to act like this you need to know your options, and if you need to go to court to curtail his involvement.
Don’t fall into romantic notions of ‘baby should have her dad around’ if dad is a toxic mess because he could ruin her childhood. I’d give him a couple of months to prove he can be a decent dad and if he doesn’t start coming around I’d document every jerk thing he does and remember this very, very, VERY bad beginning he’s made and protect this child completely.” Even_Speech570
9. AITJ For Announcing My Pregnancy At Work Without Consulting My Coworkers?
“I (23F) found out a few months ago that I’m expecting my first baby. Honestly, I didn’t even think I could conceive because of my PCOS so this was a huge, world-shattering surprise for me.
Some of the women in my family have had issues pretty early in their pregnancies so I held off on telling anybody just in case because I didn’t want to jinx it. After I felt secure in my pregnancy, I told my family and decided to tell my co-workers too.
We work in the medical field and I’m super close with some of them (this job has let me meet and get to work with some of my now closest friends). So anyway, I decided to tell my friends by bringing in some cupcakes because I knew my friends love snacks and I wanted this to be special for them too.
During our break, I handed out cupcakes which were decorated with rattles on some or little feet on the others. It was pretty obvious what they were, and everyone started freaking out and congratulating me.
After we ate about 2 cupcakes each and everyone had their fill, I decided I was going to go see if anybody else on our unit wanted a cupcake because I had extra.
Of course, everyone wanted one and I handed them out and it didn’t seem like an issue.
One of the nurses asked why they were decorated like that and asked if I was switching to a children’s unit. I laughed and announced I was pregnant to the rest of my co-workers.
It was a round of congratulations again, except for a few that were sort of standoffish, but we weren’t close so I didn’t mind. A day later though, I got pulled aside by my supervisor and basically, I was told that one of my coworkers (let’s call her Jane) filed a complaint against me because of the cupcakes and pregnancy announcement.
Apparently, after I left, Jane got extremely emotional and had to leave early because of my ‘insensitivity.’ Because we aren’t close, I didn’t know she had suffered a miscarriage a month prior and that she thought my cupcakes were a slap in the face because her grief was so fresh.
I didn’t get written up or anything because I technically didn’t do anything wrong by bringing in food, but I was given a pretty harsh talking to. Apparently, I need to consult all my coworkers before doing any announcements like this in case of triggers and it was cruel of me to make a big deal when I had a coworker going through a loss.
A few of Jane’s friends on our unit have been whispering about me and basically said I was a jerk for what I did, and it’s starting to really hurt because this all started over cupcakes.
I didn’t think I was in the wrong because I didn’t know, but then again I didn’t ask before I did this. If I had known, I would never have offered her anything relating to the baby or told her.
So AITJ? ”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Although you would probably do better if you first informed HR/boss, they can’t expect you to hide your pregnancy or whatever because someone is upset. Considering that you waited for some time, I guess there wasn’t much time left till it actually started showing.
Would they ask you to wear larger clothes to hide it so as to not upset Jane? Also, how do they expect you to consult coworkers? ‘hi, Jane, would you be ok if I told you I’m pregnant?’ is not something you say out of the blue hypothetically.
In the very best case, this would be the HR/boss’s job (so you first tell them, and they then tell you something like ‘OP, hey, there is someone in the team who recently had a miscarriage, and we wonder if you can maybe keep the news out of work, or announce in private to your friends’).” tatasz
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You wanted to tell coworkers something personal about your life and ended up accidentally hurting someone. It happens. I personally don’t understand why you being pregnant would be of importance to your coworkers, but I’m sure no one would expect to decline a free cupcake, so no issue.
Maybe you could’ve asked your boss or HR if you could hand out free food or just leave it in a breakroom cuz it might be seen as a distraction from work but you did it during a break.
You did a thing, it seemed mostly nice but had a consequence. Can’t foresee everything. It might have been better to keep it to your immediate friends at work and kept it private, but nothing you can do now.
You COULD speak to Jane but that might not be best if she seems to be upset. Just let it be and learn, a lesson for the next time.” AkatorSkullz6908
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t break any policies by bringing in the cupcakes or making a pregnancy announcement.
Also, this may sound harsh, but that other employee’s personal medical information is none of anyone else’s business, and anyone (including herself) using her miscarriage as an excuse to pursue corrective action for you makes no sense.
She also shared her pregnancy loss and assumed that everyone should be aware of her situation and be more delicate about pregnancy topics, but now is uncomfortable with you discussing and announcing a pregnancy? That’s a double standard for sure.
She is totally in her right to grieve her loss, and I think she is reasonable to be a little sensitive around pregnancy-related topics right now, but you had no idea of her loss and had no way of knowing it would be viewed as inappropriate to involve her.
She could have very well just said nothing about your announcement if it upset her, professionally excused herself from the situation to calm down/collect her thoughts, then returned and gone about her day, or gone ahead and taken the rest of the day off as personal leave if she was really that upset instead of making her personal issues your concern.
The workplace certainly does not revolve around her personal concerns or the personal concerns of any other person. And if HR is so concerned about ‘triggers,’ they should make a policy stating no one can bring in food, and they can make another policy stating that no one is allowed to make public announcements about their own personal health situations, but that would be pretty ridiculous IMHO.” ScreaminSicilianGirl
8. WIBTJ If I Reported A Gay Guy For Harassment At Work?
“I (20 M) get mistaken for being gay a lot. I’m not quite 100% sure why, but according to my gay friends, I just kinda give off that vibe. For the past six years or so, I’ve been asked out by a lot of gay men.
And I’ve also gotten very good at explaining that I’m not actually gay to those who ask me out. Some of them have even become very good friends of mine.
A few weeks ago, a colleague of mine asked me out.
I gave him my standard ‘I’m really flattered, but I’m not gay’ talk, and he seemed to understand. But last week, he asked me out again and said that there was ‘no way one earth’ I was straight.
I was a bit more stern this time in explaining that I’m not gay and that he should drop it. I also blocked his number when he wouldn’t stop texting me at random times throughout the week.
Yesterday at work, I saw him again, and he again asked me out. This time I didn’t sugarcoat it and told him to flat out that it was not gonna happen. And again he didn’t get the message.
He managed to find my Discord and was texting me through that while I was gaming after work, which is when I started to get angry. I texted him back saying to stop contacting me and then blocked him.
To give some reason as to why I think that I might be the jerk, I’m autistic, and I’m notoriously bad with flirting. So it is entirely possible that he was flirting with me when we first met, and I had no idea.
But to him, it looked like I was at least open/receptive to the idea, or possibly even flirting back. And secondly, I don’t want to put this guy in hot water over something like this.
It’s almost Christmas, and with the current situation, finding a new job that is as safe and well paying as ours is, is quite difficult. I’ve also never had to deal with anything like this before (straight white male here), and this is all uncharted territory for me.
So, WIBTJ?
EDIT: Want to clear up a few things. First off, we use Discord for work, so finding me on there was probably not that difficult. Secondly, I have received clarification from one of my gay friends about why I get mistaken for being gay a lot.
Apparently, I’m very attractive to a lot of gay men. In addition to that, I’m a friendly guy and a little bit naïve sometimes. All of this combines into a lot of people thinking I’m gay (not just gay men).
He literally said that I’m a ‘very straight man trapped in a very gay body.’
And to those who are wondering why I haven’t reported him already. I live my life by the whole ‘treat others how you want to be treated’ thing.
And because of my autism, I want others to treat me with a lot of patience. So I generally have a lot of patience for things like this. Plus, with how crazy the world is these days, being kind to somebody who probably doesn’t deserve it, is a very welcome change of pace.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
And thank you for not being in a hurry to get him in trouble. You absolutely could. And if it were something you didn’t think you could handle, or that was impacting your work, you should.
But, in a world where we increasingly place a high value on their victimhood and low value on the lives of others, you’re being a decent guy by not impacting his livelihood over it.
The guy is the jerk for sure. If it gets to the point where you see no better option, I suggest this. Write him a note. (Avoid argument. Avoid dispute over what was said.
Give you time to choose your words carefully. Give him time to read and absorb it without feeling on the spot and wanting to blurt out an objection.) You’re writing because, while you value your working relationship, his persistently asking you out is becoming a problem and it needs to stop.
(You can say you’re not gay, but it isn’t necessary. What he is doing would be wrong if a woman were doing it. And talking about gives him the chance to spin it as you being a homophobe.) You are not attracted to him and you’re not going to become attracted to him.
You have told him multiple times to stop, but he doesn’t seem to be getting the idea. You don’t want to get HR involved because you don’t want to impact his job, but he’s leaving you no choice.
Stop. If he doesn’t, your next communication is with HR.
Reread the note from the standpoint of your employer. Do you come across as rude? s offended by his gender preference? Or do you come across as someone who just wants to do his job and be left alone? If you have a trusted friend or relative outside of the workplace, consider having them read it.
Don’t date it. Don’t send it yet. Have it available. When he does it that one time that is too much, date it and give it to him that day or the next. Keep a copy.
If he persists, give HR a copy of the letter and ask for help.
To be clear: You’re NTJ and you’d not be the jerk if you went to HR now. But if you want to be kind, as it appears you do, give him a clear warning that could happen first.
And if you want to avoid arguments over exactly what happened, document it.” horsendogguy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Completely regardless of gender preference, this is straight-up harassment and his refusal to respect your rejection is very creepy.
It’s fine for him to ask, once, but when you clearly turned him down and explained that you’re not gay that should have been the end of it. Full stop. His contacting you, refusing to stop when you tell him to, and repeatedly asking you out is just unacceptable behavior and he deserves to be reprimanded for that.
It doesn’t matter at all what sort of flirty signals he thought he saw you give – you gave a clear verbal no and that’s that. It’s one thing to not be good with nonverbal communication, but this isn’t about that, it’s him being a creepy harasser who refuses to respect your clear verbal communication of ‘stop harassing me, I’m not intimately interested in you.’ It’s completely unacceptable.
It’s ridiculous he’s this persistent. You turned him down twice and blocked his number, it’s frankly kinda weird he’s ignoring the clear message.
If he contacts or asks you out again, contact HR immediately.” paspartuu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You would not be the jerk for reporting him, but if you want to take an interim step you can warn him that you will not tolerate any further passes from him or any expressions of sensual interest and that if he does it again you will report him.
I suggest doing this in writing, such as an email, so that you have a paper trail. Write it up just as you have here, giving dates and contexts for what he said and how you replied.
Even if you were gay, some people – quite wisely – want to keep their professional and personal lives separate. You don’t even have to be straight to turn him down. Also, some people (men get a bad rap for this, but they are not the only ones) just cannot fathom that someone else does not want them.
Not long ago, someone posted that some gay man complained he was being selfish. When asked what he was talking about, the gay man said, ‘You have that body all the time; I just want it for one night!’ The guy took it as a compliment, but to me, it was just creepy; that line could just as easily have been used by a straight man to a woman, or any combination of genders you care to name.
Nothing inherently ‘gay’ about that line and nothing inherently ‘gay’ about refusing to take No for an answer. He is not entitled to sleeping with or going out with you or anyone else.” BugsRatty
7. AITJ For Not Allowing My Partner's Child To Move Back In?
“I (33M) live in a very wealthy county near the east coast with a fantastic school system and safety net. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if someone were to guess it.
My home is just a normal house.
It’s not going to be featured on TV or in a magazine however it’s valued at well over a million simply because of the location. I inherited this home from my parents who left it to me along with two other homes that I rent out.
I do not work. I understand that is a privilege.
My significant other is 31 and is taking classes for a nursing degree. She currently works as a CNA. If you don’t know, a CNA is a very tough job but doesn’t make much at all.
She works and studies hard. We’ve been together for four years. I do love her very much.
My SO has a daughter who is 12 (13 this summer).
The issue is the daughter hates me. At least once a day, there’s a snide remark on how her mom works but I don’t and I’m just lazy.
She mocks me whenever I have an opinion that’s different from hers. She talks about me to her grandparents, dad, and friends which gets back to their parents because ‘I make her mom work and I’m lazy.’ It’s always something.
This past fall she began acting out in physical ways. She broke two windows in the house, deflated the tires on my car and my bike, cracked my switch screen, and the last straw was letting my dog loose in the neighborhood resulting in him being caught by animal control.
Yes, he was fine but that isn’t ok at all in my book.
I told my SO that her daughter had to go. If I lost her as well then so be it. She’s a mom first and her daughter isn’t coming around even with therapy.
My SO asked for more time and she would make it work and explained she couldn’t leave her job and school as it would push her degree further away. I told her her daughter had to go.
No more discussion.
Here’s where I’m lost: the daughter asked my SO if her grandparents could take her in until she’s done with school. Everyone was good with this.
The daughter was very happy vocally with this until school started because her grandparents live two hours away in a VERY poor school district (again some can probably guess the location where we live), and she’s getting bullied really bad.
She told her mom that it’s because of race, and it’s gotten physical twice but most of it is really bad verbal bullying. She can’t go to the local park to walk or she comes home in tears from what I understand.
The daughter has started asking to come back here after winter break, and her mom thinks that was the kick she needed to be respectful. I refused. I don’t want her here anymore. Life is peaceful and I’m not being attacked anymore, and I’m living the life I want without judgment.
She could have harmed my dog!
AITJ for not allowing her daughter to move back in?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here for this reason: no one (but the grandparents) cares about this kid who obviously has issues.
The mother sucks because it seems like she’s more worried about getting her degree than anything else — and I live in a very expensive area with very expensive housing, and I get it — she’s living rent-free with you.
She has her parents who she could move back in with (since they’re housing the kid.) Either way, she’s getting child support from the military father or is ridiculous not to protect her child and do so.
You suck because you’re involved with a single mother that has a young, troubled child and, I can see from the comments, have no endgame in sight. Like, I love animals. Absolute NO to her breaking your stuff, her letting your dog loose, to her flattening your tires, but how in the world can you think this relationship between you and the mother continues when simple therapy isn’t working in a coddled environment and the girl is being horrendously bullied where she is now and shipped off?
Like, you’re not a jerk for wanting some property protection but think down the line…
this… this is not good. If you seriously ever want to be with your partner long-term, you both need to figure out something that works with the daughter. It’s more her responsibility than yours, but what’s going on now isn’t working either.” stewbugx
Another User Comments:
“Man, everyone sucks here.
This situation is untenable. It’s a miracle it lasted four years. Everybody in this story sucks.
You’ve been going out with your SO for four years – that’s four years you’ve been in her daughter’s life, and you’re not allowed to parent her? And she (was) living with you? I don’t know what anyone expected.
Oh, her bio dad says you’re not allowed to parent – how convenient for him, who can’t take her in or parent her either because he’s on deployment.
So, you got a kid with serious issues in a place where there are seemingly no rules.
She doesn’t like you and you’re unable to enforce rules, having to leave it to your CNA girl, who is probably too exhausted from her job and school to dedicate a lot of attention to her child.
She acts out – according to her therapist, to get attention. She escalates. Instead of redirecting that, going back to group therapy, doing anything to look at the root of the problem – you and your partner decide to just remove her completely.
How’s that for helping her?
You – alright, I get, she’s not your kid, but your partner? In that twelve-year-old’s mind, her mom effectively chose you over her. That’s gonna stay with her forever. And her new school is terrible, which will seriously affect her future.
So, y’all are just messing up this kid, huh?
You cannot seriously date a woman with a small child, without being at least somewhat of an authority to said child, it’s untenable otherwise. The system you have right now does not work.
The only way to move forward is either let the daughter back in, with some kind of strike policy probably, go to group therapy, and be allowed to parent her. Be allowed to enforce consequences.
Or, break up. Because by the time your partner finishes school? The kid’s gonna be a full-on person, estranged from her mom, with a lot of mental problems. Either way, you can’t date someone while ignoring the existence and problem of their child? It’s unfair to the child, it’s unfair to the mom, it’s unfair to you.
You can’t pretend she’s childfree, cause she isn’t.” radiationromeo
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your SO especially for even considering the relationship to be on par with her child; no wonder her daughter is acting out.
I’d say a huge part of this is that you’re not allowed to parent; if she lives in YOUR house she needs to follow YOUR rules. If you want this relationship to continue you will need to find a way to live with the daughter again.
Your partner might be right that that was the kick in the butt that the daughter needed but that said if they won’t let you parent it’s not going to get better. It sounds like your partner didn’t communicate that it’s completely unacceptable to treat you that way so she thinks it’s an acceptable way to lash out and get attention.
You need to think long and hard about this because if you do not accept her child you need to break up with your gf ESPECIALLY if she’s willing to choose the relationship over her child because WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER????” Glitter_engineer
6. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Grow Up During A Temper Tantrum?
“I (23F) went shopping at the mall with my best friend (21F) of 6 years recently, she told me she needed clothes and knowing how I love shopping, she invited me to help her out.
I worked until 5 but I was able to convince my boss to let me leave early to meet her at the mall so I wouldn’t keep her waiting. We got there and we walk into American Eagle because she says she needs shorts.
Keep in mind, that we’re the same size (12). We get to a table full of shorts and we can’t find a size 12, they must be sold out. They have 10, 14, and 16, but no 12.
Darn, but hey it’s only one style they’re sold out of.
She starts crying and hyperventilating. A store associate comes over and says he can check the back for her, she says ‘not don’t even bother!’ I’m embarrassed and we walk out.
I don’t really know how to approach this, so we pass and Auntie Anns and I ask if she wants a pretzel because I’m hungry, she yells at me and says ‘oh you think tubby wants some food?!’ so I say nothing, and don’t get a pretzel.
We walk a little farther and she’s still crying and making a bit of a scene. I stop, pull off to the side, and ask her what her deal is. She starts yelling and saying it’s my fault that she’s ‘like this’ because I don’t go to the gym with her and because she’s ‘like this,’ she can’t even fit into clothes anymore (note they had sizes well above her size at the store).
I tell her 1. we’re the same size, so thanks for that, and 2. I’ve been going to the gym every day for the last 7 months at the same time, I’m not changing my schedule to suit her because we work different hours.
I work in healthcare, I work weird hours and she works a 9-5, it’s not feasible. And it’s completely unfair to blame me for her body dysmorphia. She said that work isn’t an excuse because I can try to change my hours to take her to the gym.
I tell her no, that’s not my job, and she can go by herself because my world does not revolve around her. She says I’m selfish and a bad friend.
We keep walking and find a place to sit.
She starts hysterically crying and hyperventilating more. I tell her I did not bounce out of work early to deal with this just because one store was sold out of one size of shorts in one particular style.
I told her to grow up because the world does not revolve around her whether it be me or American Eagle. She said I’m a bad friend again and she hates being ‘fat’ to which again I say we’re the same size, so thanks.
I let her sit for a while and make a scene. An hour goes by and I say I’m hungry, I’m going to get food if you want to join me. She does and I buy her dinner, and then all is well.
She still brings this up to this day about me being a jerk and telling her to grow up and not taking her mental health seriously. I asked her what she wants me to do in that situation and she says she wants me to hold her and tell her it was going to be okay.
So, I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder myself, I get it, but I know when I’m being irrational and typically realize later that it was dumb and apologize to whoever I hurt. She hasn’t done that and still blames me for her weight.
AITJ?
(I’m actually moving to England for graduate school next month so I won’t be seeing her for a long time anyway. Probably for the best. I’ve always been a sucker for this friendship and have bent over backward for her approval.
It’s something I’ve been trying to work on for ages. We took a trip together recently and she threatened to harm herself because of another meltdown I apparently caused. I would have gone home immediately if we didn’t take her car.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She needs to see a therapist. Why is she so dependent on you? You’re not even a family member. What is she gonna do when you get married, have a family of your own, or move someday? It’s insane to expect a friend to always go with you to the gym.
Is she purging? Do you know if she’s on the verge of an eating disorder? It also sounds like she’s prone to intense mood swings when she doesn’t eat. That’s an actual medical problem for some people.
I hate working out around other people so my husband has helped me with acquiring a way to exercise at home bc I don’t like exercising in public.
Maybe that’s her issue- doing things by herself in a public setting (gym, shopping, etc).
I find a lot of online HIIT workouts, that have a nice rack of weights, ab wheel, yoga mats, treadmill, and exercise bungees and bands. It’s funny bc I like being around people but when it comes to exercise, I prefer doing it alone- not even around my husband.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This woman sounds like she’s dealing with some pretty major problems, and as you stated in your edit… this was not a panic attack. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, as well, and whatever was going on in this chick’s head, it was not like any panic attack I’ve ever experienced or even heard described.
This seems more like some sort of breakdown.
Honestly… in your position, I’d probably put some distance between myself and her, because that behavior would almost certainly trigger my own anxiety eventually. And maybe it’s selfish, but my mental health comes first.
She’s got some serious issues that she really needs to work through with someone a lot more qualified.” DeshaMustFly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, I would avoid arguing with her over whether that was a panic attack or not.
When I’m in public and I have a panic attack, I just pick fights with whoever I’m with because my system is in fight or flight and there’s nothing actually attacking me. When I’m home, then I go to a quiet space and feel the full hit of ‘am I dying?’ Not everyone experiences panic attacks the same way.
I’ve had many different types over the years from full paralysis to walking around the neighborhood feeling full of righteous anger. At the core, they’re all the same, I’m behaving irrationally, I can’t stop it, if anyone touches me it physically hurts, and I’m absolutely certain I’m dying or my world is ending.” astareastar
We no longer speak because I refuse to make her the center of my universe.
5. AITJ For Giving My Dog An "Offensive" Name And Then Refusing To Change It?
“I have several dogs, one of which is an American Akita. His name is Yankee. I thought it was funny, and he seems to like his name.
My sister was in the states for the past two years and recently flew home with her partner in tow.
The first time we’ve met him, yadda yadda.
I guess she never mentioned me or my dogs, but he was pretty surprised when I told him my dog’s name. I didn’t think much of it – most of my pets have peculiar names so I assumed it was just an overall reaction.
They left, and my partner and I had dinner. Partway through our food, my sister called and asked if I’d consider changing my dog’s name. I kind of thought she was kidding, but she reiterated that she was serious.
The name Yankee had upset her partner, quite badly, and he found it offensive. I basically told her to get lost and tell him to grow up, before going back to my food.
The following day they literally show up at my door.
I was kind of taken aback – apparently they came to tell me why the name Yankee was so awful.
During this discussion, he told me it was essentially a slur used against Americans. I just kind of laughed and told him he was off his nut.
It’s not that serious.
I told him I wasn’t going to change my dog’s name – he knows it, it’d be a ton of work. He’s personal protection so it could even damage his work.
They, thankfully, left, but still seemed pretty upset. Thinking back now I’m pretty sure there’s a company with Yankee in the name? I wonder how many letters of complaint he’s sent.
Anyway, I did message my American friends just to make sure I wasn’t being a jerk.
They all agreed he was being stupid, but I know the US is huge and it might be more of a regional thing? So I’m still not sure. I am starting to feel kind of jerk-ish for not taking him seriously when it may be a genuine issue for him.
Am I a jerk, and is this an issue in the states that I should apologize for?
ETA: I think he’s from the south, and my sister a tory so he’s more than likely a republican.
Eta from my partner; Since this post is gaining traction I want to play a game. We are currently trying for a baby – what are some potential baby names we could mention to him? Just to, you know, upset him a little.
We do already have our names picked but no one else knows that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. ‘Yankee’ is a slur in the way that ‘Limey’ is a slur for the English; it is one, but to use it that way and expect anyone to be actually offended feels really old-fashioned.
Also, in America ‘Yankee’ really refers to anyone from the Northeast and eastern Midwest, like from Ohio over to Delaware and up to Maine. It’s a normal, slightly jokey way that Southerners refer to Northerners.
The fact that your sister’s partner is from the South and is getting upset about this is bizarre because most Southerners would use that word to describe New Englanders and be surprised to hear themselves referred to as ‘Yankees’.
Consider naming your kid ‘William Tecumseh Sherman’, after the American Civil War general who torched Atlanta and lots of the South. Or ‘Hilary’, or ‘Barack’, or ‘Bernie’ if he’s really a Republican.” appleciders
Another User Comments:
“Yankee is not a slur.
Yankee is not an insult. Yankee is not offensive. It’s how non-Americans commonly refer to us, because sometimes it’s how we refer to ourselves, including the shorthand ‘yanks.’ (I believe some non-Americans with a distaste for us will use it with an insulting tone, but it’s not inherently an insult at this point in history.
If it ever was, it’s probably been quite a long time.)
For starters, there’s a baseball team literally called the New York Yankees. We also have a popular albeit pricey candle company called ‘Yankee Candle.’ Yankee Doodle is the state song of the US state of Connecticut.
George M. Cohan, an American composer, wrote the song Yankee Doodle Boy for the 1904 musical Little Johnny Jones, about an American racing his horse, Yankee Doodle, in an English derby.
Source: I, was born and raised in the United States, and lived here my entire life.
However, I will acknowledge that this country is geographically massive and I haven’t lived in all of it, but I’ve traveled a not-insignificant portion and know it’s not insulting in the northeast part of the country or the part of the midwest I live in.
It’s 0% compared to other terrible words that exist NTJ.” Echo-Alexa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because this is all very silly.
It IS an insult, it just happens to be an ineffectual one.
All the people going ‘but the baseball team!’ are clueless about the nature of slurs.
It’s not offensive because American Northerners are probably one of the most privileged groups on the planet, it’s easy to drive pride in being called ‘a Yankee’ because the guy calling you one is probably a sore loser.” Bulky-Revolution9395
4. WIBTJ For Encouraging My Spouse To Keep Her Word About Things She Said While Angry?
“My sweetheart & I are in our mid 40’s and have been together for 7 years. She has two kids from her first marriage, 23M-Old & 20M-Young. The marriage ended in death (she’s a widow).
We all live together in the same home. Though we share expenses, we do not share bank accounts. Note: I am not asking if we’re jerks for not sharing bank accounts.
Since the start of 2020, both kids have been staying with us.
Neither works or goes to school. In the past couple of months, it’s like their attitudes and behavior have regressed to when they were 13. When I got home from work on Thursday, the 3 of them were yelling & screaming.
Mom had asked them to help clean up after dinner. ‘Young’ couldn’t help because he ‘Promised G/F he’d zoom meet with her.’ ‘Old’ couldn’t help clean up because ‘he’d made plans to go dirt bike riding with friends.’ Since then, they’ve been going at it in an ‘everything & nothing all at once’ contest.
It came to a head this morning. I woke up to my wife putting her foot down and loudly giving them ultimatums. Below is a list of some of the things she said;
She is done listening to how she’s over-controlling & goes over the line in helping them manage finances.
They’re all going down to the bank tomorrow morning and they can put their funds into accounts with only their names on it. Her exact words, ‘neither one of you can even balance a checkbook.
You both would’ve been broke six months after turning 18 if I had let you have free reign over the funds your father left you. I am done being told I’m a manipulating, over-controlling, coercive witch.
You can have complete control of your funds and if you throw it all away in the next 6 months, THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!’
Reference the living room; they no longer have permission to lounge all day & night watching nonsense on TV & playing video games.
The only thing they can watch on TV is educational stuff that meets her approval.
Overall her words, ‘if I ever have to be reminded again that you are over 18 and an adult, it better be with your packed bags in hand while you are on your way out the door.
If you don’t like me or my rules while you live under my roof, you are free to go wherever it is that you’d rather live.’
Today was an all-time, never seen before, epic blowout.
However, she has touched on most of these things before only to never follow up on any of them. WIBTJ to remind, encourage & even pressure her to maintain enforcement of these new rules?”
Another User Comments:
“I’d have to go with ‘no jerks here’ here.
Reason being…
The kids – now young adults – just don’t sound like they know any better. The older they get the tougher it gets to educate them and change their minds, but it sounds like they just need help becoming independent.
Maybe hard love, maybe some other way.
The mom cares for her children and has given them too much leeway in the past. However now she finds herself in a difficult situation that so many parents find themselves in.
Her kids can’t support themselves or function as independent adults, and so she’s caught between wanting to let them learn the hard way by going out and failing without her support, and the desire to protect and take care of her children and not see them blow all their inheritance to learn this lesson.
Then there you are, understanding what these kids need to help themselves and become independent, without wanting it to seem like you’re telling her wife not to care for her children. It has to be an extremely frustrating situation.
Wish I had the answers… if I did, I’d probably be a much wealthier man. Maybe best to have mom lay out some ground rules with some sort of timeframe, educating them along the way.
Have to have a job by x date, pay rent by y date, etc. Also not sure if mom can stagger their inheritance further or if it’s out of her hands. Also probably makes sense for the older sibling to be on a faster scale than the 20-year-old.
Best of luck, definitely a tricky situation. No easy answers.” WidespreadAmbition
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She is trying to control them over everything. Let’s just start at the scene you walked in on. They are adults with their own lives.
So yeah, I can see why they would say they can’t do those chores at that moment. Telling them to drop their plans and do chores literally implies they are 8 years old, being herded from one activity to the next by their mom.
She’s telling them she’s canceling their playdates so they can do chores because she is not happy with them. They’re adults now and this behavior is not right.
Next, we have the educational tv nonsense.
I can’t even begin to explain how ridiculous and off the charts this type of behavior is. They’re adults! They should be able to watch whatever the heck they want. What’s it matter to her? It’s not right honestly.
It’s not right.
Finally, the inheritance. If they’re not financially savvy, that’s on you and your wife. She obviously tried to control them their whole life and never taught them how to be independent and financially savvy.
Well, it’s too late now. Legally she should not have control over the and I applaud that she wants to take at least that step in the right direction. Honestly, maybe the kids will surprise you.
Or maybe they won’t. But they’re adults now and you have to respect that. I’m speaking from experience having inherited a large sum when I was 21. I spent half on tuition, a new MacBook and iPhone, a few low-budget trips, and a personal trainer to help me lose weight.
The rest went into savings.
Perhaps instead of discussing finances with the adult children, have them talk to an unbiased third party: a financial advisor.
Honestly, I understand how living with adult children is hard. I (23F) live with my mom and 4 other adult children because it makes no financial sense to move out.
My mom recognizes that and wants the best for us. So we pay her a nominal amount of rent and mostly buy our own groceries. Yes, sometimes tensions flare since we are all equals now.
But my mom doesn’t butt into our finances, doesn’t make any comments on how much tv we watch or what shows, and lets us do whatever we want as long as it’s legal.
We drink, we smoke (legal here), and we have house parties.
Why? Because we are adults and it’s our space too. Also, this type of behavior is independent and thus good for our development. At the end of the day, we are exploring life but my mom is there in case anything goes wrong.
This is the type of environment that leads to well-adjusted adults. Even in high school, I had no curfew. No rules. Why? Because it took all the fun away from being bad. So I never did anything wrong.
I was even allowed to drink underage under adult supervision. Why? Because I know how to drink it without passing out, I know my limits, I’ve never puked, it’s not an illicit substance to me.
That’s how you raise responsible kids. You treat them like adults.” ThrowawayJAMMM
Another User Comments:
“So I personally think NTJ, it might not be the exact same experience by my older sister (22) had come back home from college because of the health crisis, and (based on one of OP’s comments) is also doing the same thing your kids are in where after a while with nothing to do started acting like when she was like 14 and had no reason or want to help out.
Tbh I kinda wish my mom did what your wife did and let her know she needs to do something to get her act together. Trying to ignore it will only just cause more problems than it solves and causes a lot more stress for everyone.
I wholeheartedly agree that you should encourage your wife to stick to what she said, but do not try and force it because unfortunately this probably won’t be fixed anytime soon. Idk how helpful this is sad cause I’m not the greatest at giving advice…
but if possible in your area you could help them find something productive to do?
It might actually help you all get along when they’re doing something besides watching TV all day (not saying they do it’s just an example!) It’s very nice to see you doing your best to support your wife and I hope you guys get through this ok!~ best wishes from Canada!” Slenderandbros
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, your kids seemed to be totally fine as college students until the health crisis hit and some of their behavior sounds like depression.
They should be paying rent (if possible) and helping out around the house and there should be boundaries about the noise level, communal spaces, cleanliness, etc. Some clear expectations and scheduling could have avoided all of this.
Them insulting their mother is unacceptable.
But your wife absolutely is being too controlling (picking what TV they watch? what?!) and she failed to raise them to be financially responsible – it was her job to teach them how to manage their finances, give them life lessons on budgeting, etc.
and she apparently did not. She can’t simultaneously demand they behave like adults while treating them like they’re… well, even minors have autonomy, whether she likes it or not.
She should help them find a financial advisor or a course in financial literacy but are on their own otherwise.
Get a set chore list, rent (boarding fees, really?), and house rules, with consequences. Everyone needs to be on the same page. Or else kick them out if that’s what she’s actually gunning for, but she needs to communicate and follow through.
They’re adults and can move out but they were doing fine according to your comments until now, and that should be taken into consideration. This is hard for a lot of people, especially college kids.
Lots of parents and their adult kids are struggling to adjust to these new dynamics, but if all they’re doing is shouting and insulting it’s never gonna work.
You won’t be the jerk if you support your wife, and you’re not their dad, but it’s also your responsibility to keep her on the level as her partner.
Does she want to keep a good relationship with her kids? Does she want them to move out and is trying to force them, or is this a genuine attempt to teach them responsibility? Is she punishing them for previous bad behavior or is she trying to move forward? She has to decide the answer to those questions and you would absolutely not be the jerk for supporting her no matter what she chooses, but she is understandably very upset and hurt, and may do some things she could regret if she doesn’t think it all the way through.” saintofanything
3. AITJ For Refusing To Give Back A Book Owner Sold By Mistake After I Purchased It?
“I (29F) am an avid buyer of sales and being part of different social media where people sell used items. The old adage is ‘One man’s junk is another person’s treasure.’ A lady who is also a friend places 20 books for sale for $5.00.
I immediately reply to the post to purchase the books and pick up the books from my friend for $5.00.
Later that night, I receive a call from the lady that she accidentally sold her husband’s first edition of The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck 1st printing.
She tells me her husband is livid and it is creating marital discord in their marriage. I tell her that I will look into the situation and get back to her with an answer.
I explained the situation to my parents and they said under no circumstance do I return the book. It is ethically and morally yours, and you have no obligation to return it. My husband disagreed with my parents and said it was an honest mistake and you will lose your friendship over a $1,000 book accidentally sold.
I subsequently took my parent’s advice and kept the book, and she kept the $5.00. AITJ for not returning the book and losing the friendships? She subsequently threw me off her WhatsApp group of items people are selling, and can no longer buy on that platform.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You bought 20 books for $5 and couldn’t return the one that was sold by mistake? You’re still getting 19 books for $5. I also disagree with your parents, legally it is yours and you (technically) have no legal obligation to give it back bc marital property or whatever, but ethically you’re holding on to something that belongs to someone else, out of nothing but pure selfishness.
It was her husband’s book, not hers to sell. If they weren’t married you’d be in possession of the stolen property and legally obligated to return it as well. Regardless, you’re still refusing to return what is rightfully his, for what? The quarter you spent on it?
Edit: I looked some into marital property laws and depending on where you are and the courts there, you very well could still be legally obligated to return the book if the court were to decide it qualifies as stolen property.
Is that a game you really want to play over 25 cents?” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. That book is really worth more to you than your friendship? I mean, you’re within your rights to keep the book and if it was a stranger who sold them to you, then the situation would be more ambiguous, but this is (was) a friend.
She made a mistake, a huge mistake as per her husband who is furious and the error has caused them problems, but you still think she should just suck it and you don’t care about your friend or the problems this mistake has caused in their marriage? That’s cold-blooded.
You do you, boo, if keeping the book under these circumstances makes you feel good about yourself, then so be it. But I hope for your sake you’re a perfect person who never makes mistakes bc one day you might and you’ll have no grounds upon which to stand if a friend won’t help you rectify your mistake.
Karma, she’s a huge jerk.” LuvLaughLive
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Morally because it’s a friend who made a mistake that is affecting her marriage. You didn’t buy the book knowing it was valuable. You bought it to add to your library and it holds no sentimental value to you.
A good friend wouldn’t let a marriage go down to make $1,000.
Possibly legally because if the husband reports the book as stolen there’s a chance that it would be considered stolen property if he were willing to press charges against his wife.
Then you wouldn’t have a legal title for the book. You bought it from some message group, not a bookseller who regularly buys and sells books, so the good faith purchaser rule might not apply.
This is all hypothetical and highly unlikely, but there does exist a reality in which you would either have to return the book or provide just compensation for it. As farfetched as it seems like a lot of nonsense over $1,000.” KaXiRavioli
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It was an honest mistake and this lady is catching a lot of grief for it. Obviously, you aren’t being legally mandated right now to give the book back but it would be ethically disgusting for you to take this as a moment to majorly profit from someone’s mistake.
On another note, as someone that is an avid reader and collector of books, if this had been my partner’s error, I too would have been annoyed my book was given away and would classify this as theft.
Because the book is a 1st addition and worth so much I would absolutely press charges. The husband might do so either to the wife or you because you are holding stolen property. This would be no different if you bought an expensive computer from someone that you later found out that person stole and the owner made a police report about it obviously wanting it back.” gemini_trash_0612
2. AITJ For Calling The Police On A Guy For Loitering?
“I work a hotel and yesterday a guy was loitering here about an hour after check out time. He was on the stairs at the far end of the building and one of the housekeepers mentioned him to me and said he was there for thirty minutes.
I was busy so I didn’t do anything about it at first. 15 minutes later the housekeep came back and said he was still there.
I went to talk to him and see if I recognized him as a guest.
When I walked up I said ‘excuse me sir’ and he didn’t answer but he moved his head a bit so I know he hear me. I said it like five times, no exaggeration before he finally got mad and told me he was waiting for a Lyft and flashed his phone with the app open.
I asked him if he was staying at the hotel, and he said he was but he refused to give me a room number. Since he was being so rude, I told him he needed to leave, and he refused that too.
He said get lost, I don’t have to do what you say you can’t make me leave. I told him if he wouldn’t leave on his own I would call the police, he said they wouldn’t do anything.
I was so mad that this guy was being so rude and wouldn’t listen to me so I called the non-emergency police line. When he realized it, he walked over to the fast food place next door so I told the lady on the phone never mind.
I told my partner about it last night and he said I was being one of those Karens who overreact and call the police on POC for no reason. But I don’t know what else I was supposed to do to make him leave, he wouldn’t listen to me.
As long as he was polite I wouldn’t have told him to leave if he was really just waiting for a Lyft. But he was really mean right from the start and it upset me.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, if the info we have is correct.
If there’s a no loitering policy, and he isn’t allowed to be there, you did your job. However, you should probably take into account this guy’s perspective. POC continually get harassed for ‘loitering’ in places white people wouldn’t be given a second glance.
He may have had a room there, he may not have. I don’t think anyone can judge him for leaving – no POC wants to have the cops called on them, because that’s a one-way ticket to police brutality- nor can you really judge him for being defensive.
There’s multiple viral news stories about POC people being harassed on or in their own campuses, apartment buildings, properties, and in public locations or businesses they have a right to be in. TL: DR You aren’t a jerk, but this is a good opportunity to take a look at the other perspective too” CardioMix
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You said as long as he was polite you would’ve left him alone but because he was rude you called the cops on him. You really escalated the situation because he didn’t respond in a way that you preferred.
People in this post can downplay how the police treat POC and lean on your job being on the line all they want, but by your own admission, you were willing to let him be if he was kinder during your interrogation.
That’s ridiculous to me. Because of people like you, it’s so much harder to simply stand outside for people like me. I don’t understand how THAT doesn’t upset you too.” ArthurBooRadleyy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As an Afro-Latina, I get why it’s a toss-up when trying to decide whether or not to call the police on people of color.
It often ends tragically.
But let’s look at the optics from the other side. A man has been sitting on the stairs at the far end of the hotel building for almost an hour. He claims that he was waiting for a Lyft and refuses to show any proof that he was an actual guest at this hotel.
If the Lyft was taking more than an hour, shouldn’t he have gone back to his hotel room to wait? Why was he not waiting in the hotel lobby so he could see when the car pulled up? Could he not have approached you and asked you what is the quickest way to get where he was going?
Are the stairs located in such a way that the public has access to them? Not every place in the hotel is open to paying guests.
From what you mention, I gather that the stairs are near the housekeeping department- is that somewhere the public is allowed? This man was acting suspicious, perhaps being in a place that was restricted then acted all angry when to told to prove that he was a guest.
You have no way of knowing if he was a guest (did he ever come back to your hotel later that evening? or try to slip upstairs to do a little ‘mischief’. If your hotel has a written policy about loitering, as long as you followed it, you did the right thing.” BreuckelenWoman
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
After he said he was a guest you should have let it go. When you are harassing someone for sitting, rudeness as part of the response should not surprise you. I am sure it isn’t against the hotel’s policy to sit on the stairs and he gave you a reasonable response, he stated he was a guest and was waiting for a Lyft.
You probably have security cameras and so you could verify he was a guest without being obnoxious about it, but you chose to be obnoxious.
Big picture – was the guy sitting on the stairs looking at his phone hurting you or anyone else – no.
So, yes, YTJ for calling the cops on someone that was not hurting anyone, putting an innocent person in a situation where they could have been injured, and you could have easily checked to see if he was gone in an hour.
Sometimes rideshares get bumped so you are expecting it to arrive and then it changes repeatedly before one finally shows up. So it upset you.
How do you think it feels to be a guest in a hotel where you are innocently sitting on the stairs waiting for a ride and you get harassed and threatened by the police? Your behavior and excuses disgust me. You should be upset over what you did to an innocent human being, not how you were treated.” holisarcasm
1. AITJ For Being Hawaiian And Having My Dad Talk To The Principal?
“I (17m) do not believe I am the jerk but my partner (18f) broke up with me over everything.
Last week in history we were talking about WWII and the discussion moved toward Pearl Harbor.
My teacher asked a girl, we’ll call her Mele, her opinions on Pearl Harbor as a Hawaiian. She gave some kind of nonsense answer about how the opinion is pretty divided among Hawaiians and how her grandma was there that day and was happy to see the military base be bombed because allegedly she and her family were treated badly by those stationed there.
I interjected that I, as a Hawaiian, was disgusted by her comments and that no one should be happy seeing anyone get bombed. She said I wasn’t Hawaiian and that pretending to be and speaking over her grandma’s experience was disgusting.
I told her I was born in Hawaii and lived there longer than her so maybe she’s the one who shouldn’t be speaking about Hawaiian experiences. I said my nationality is Hawaiian and there’s nothing she could do about it.
She then said you could only be ethnically Hawaiian because Hawaii isn’t a nation anymore and that my nationality is American. She then insulted me by saying that my being born on a base in Hawaii didn’t make me Hawaiian it made me a colonizer.
I told her she was a racist and told my teacher I can’t believe he was allowing her to speak like that but he said I was the one who was acting inappropriately.
So I was talking to my partner about it and she said that I was in the wrong and didn’t talk to me until the next day when she said she thinks we should break up because we are going to different colleges and she didn’t like who I was anymore???
Well, this weekend my dad asked what was up with me and my partner and I told him everything he said my history teacher was out of line and asked if I wanted him to talk to the principal.
So yesterday we did and word got around school. Now people have been calling me racist but there are also people calling Mele out on her lies as well. So who’s the jerk here?
Edit: Since everyone seems to think it’s so important, no I’m not ethnically Hawaiian.
Edit 2: -I know the history of Hawaii, stop assuming I don’t. -I didn’t run off and ‘cry to daddy’ my dad saw I was sad and decided to be a good parent and see what was the matter.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
If you’re not ethnically Hawaiian, which it sounds like you’re not, then you are a white American who was born in Hawaii. This is not the same thing. I’m sure a lot of people will answer without understanding this history but that girl in your class was 100% right.
Your experience and perspective are your rights but you cannot use that to speak for native people who were colonized by America and have a very different perspective. You come across like a typical entitled white guy.
Your partner broke up with you because you’re not only ignorant but insensitive and entitled.” LostSailor-25
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for Mele. You are not Hawai’ian, and it’s obnoxious for you to pretend that you have the same lived experience as someone with native ancestors.
She was 100% correct. American is your nationality and Hawai’ian is only an ethnicity because America stole their sovereign nation. Good on her for speaking so well. You need to take several seats.
The teacher is also a jerk for calling out this girl in class and basically expecting her to speak for her race AND either lie or be the mouthpiece for some truths that he had to know would make other people in the class upset.
It’d be one thing if he explained why Hawai’ians would view the bombing differently from Americans and then she chose to concur. To put her on the spot is not okay.
The girl didn’t even use colonizer as an insult, just a reminder of why white people are living there, but honestly? You were pretty much typifying the ‘colonizer as insult’ attitude by refusing to listen, interjecting your opinion over her lived experience, and demanding that the presumably non-native teacher shut her up for ‘talking to you that way.’ She does not deserve to be subjected to any hassling at school.
Your dad is a jerk for feeding your delusion and going to speak to the principal about your teacher refusing to coddle you.
The students at school are also jerks for hassling Mele.
You are walking a very fine line between being obnoxiously ignorant and racist btw.
The difference is if you are willing to learn.” forgottenenvies
Another User Comments:
“From the way things are presented here, YTJ. Being born in Hawaii and being of Hawaiian descent, which is an ethnic identity, have different implications.
Being of Hawaiian descent usually implies that one’s family lineage is of Polynesian/Micronesian decent and or descendants of the indigenous people of those islands. From the context here, it would seem that Mele was asked her perspective on WWII due to her being ethnically Hawaiian.
Given that you have not made any reference to your own ethnicity but mention having been born in Hawaii, leads me to believe you are not Hawaiian (Polynesian/Micronesian ethnic origin).
So, it wasn’t really your time or place to speak given that context, since the purpose of the teacher’s question was to provide insight into how the indigenous peoples at the time and possibly their descendants felt/thought about their experience during WWII.
Just because you do not agree with her statement about retelling her grandmother’s experience as a Hawaiian doesn’t make her racist. Mele, even if it was a bit crude, was correct in bringing up the difference between being born somewhere and one’s ethnic background.
It is totally okay to disagree with a person’s opinion. However, it is ridiculous to claim Mele is racist when the question was specific to them due to their ethnicity and for THEM to answer only. The teacher was correct in saying you were out of line.” Parking-Ad-9344
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