People Seek Responses To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
13. AITJ For Being Annoyed With My Roommate's Inability To Communicate?
“For some background, I am a college freshman in your average dorm room setting. My roommate and I get along well, we’ve never had a fight or argument and we have good conversations a lot of times. She took a gap year and saved up money so her parents are only paying for the tuition and room and board but everything else she has to pay for.
I did not take a gap year but my parents are paying for tuition and room and board and I worked during the summer and winter break to save up some money. My parents are not poor, we’re solidly middle class and recently because of my mom’s surgeries and my brother’s cancer treatments (he’s fine now), we’re really in a tough situation financially, again not poor or going to go bankrupt but we really have to cut a lot of stuff off that’s not necessary.
My roommate is very sociable, I’ll call her Jane, and is good friends with a bunch of girls on the floor. I am more acquaintances with the girls on my floor, and I do have pretty bad social anxiety but I manage pretty well.
Here’s the problem. So I was in a girl’s room doing homework, I’m actually friends with this one person, when I heard Jane out in the hall with some other girls talking about me. Jane said I was the most inconsiderate roommate in the world and I was really shocked by this because I try to make sure I consider how my actions in the room will affect her.
At the beginning of the year we also agreed that if we have problems, we’ll bring it up nicely to each other and promised not to get offended since everyone has different things that annoy them. She had some main issues:
- She said I don’t pay for anything and since she’s paying for everything but school herself, I should just get my parents who, she said have tons of money to just buy it.
My dad has really bad anxiety about money and I get yelled at for asking for anything, even things I need. Plus, the reason I worked is so I wouldn’t have to ask for things unless they were big expenses that were necessities.
She bought a trash can, Swiffer, microwave, and water filter. I bought a fridge, a recycling can, a small vacuum, and replacement filters for the water. It seemed like everything was pretty equal, but according to her because she thinks my parents are rich, I should be paying for more, or that she thinks that she pays for more of the stuff? She said the fridge was crappy but it works and it’s big enough for both of our stuff.
Yeah, it’s not as big as the nice ones with a separate freezer door but she said she didn’t want to split the cost to rent a big one from the bookstore. The thing is, she has used the Swiffer maybe once and she broke the trash can and threw up in it when she was intoxicated and asked me to get a new one.
So I said ok because it’s like $5 on Amazon. I clean the room every Saturday and she has cleaned maybe once, I know because the Swiffer dust cloths are still mostly unused. I typically clean with the vacuum and wipe down the microwave and fridge inside and dust around the room.
- She complained that last semester I smoked too much in the room and it was annoying her.
I was smoking like three times a day towards the end of the semester and sometimes she would be there, sometimes she’d be in class. But she also smokes in the room and in other people’s rooms. She didn’t tell me that it bothered her so much the entire time.
She said that I didn’t get social cues because she apparently would leave the room every time I would smoke but she leaves the room all the time to go see her friends when I wasn’t smoking so I don’t know how she expects me to get that.
If she had a problem I would have preferred her to tell me, but she didn’t. It wasn’t until the start of this semester that she asked nicely for me not to smoke so much in the room because she doesn’t like the smell when she’s doing homework.
I totally agreed and I had planned to not smoke so much anyway. I have smoked maybe once since the start of the semester and she wasn’t even in the room. She gets intoxicated in other people’s rooms several times a week but then acts like my smoking, which she does not take part in, affects her.
I completely respected her wishes and texted her the one time I smoked. It really hurt when she said I didn’t get social cues because with social anxiety, that’s my biggest worry and it just made me think that maybe everyone really is tolerating me.
- She said that she hates that I’m always in the room and that it’s disrespectful of her privacy.
She said that because again, she thinks my parents are rich, that they should have paid for a single room if I am so introverted. But I’m not always in the room, I have morning classes and leave around 7:30 and get back around 11-12.
I go to the gym for an hour and then usually eat lunch afterward. I usually also will go to the library or some other place to study because I like to switch up my study spots. I also sometimes go to club meetings in the evening and those last 1-2 hours.
I don’t know where she’s getting this idea that I’m always in the room. The thing is, she sleeps like 12-13 hours. I leave the room specifically so I don’t have to tiptoe or be super quiet when I want to do homework or something.
She sleeps during most of the time that I am out so when I am tired and want to be in my room, she’s just getting up for the day. I totally get that we have different schedules and I don’t mind leaving, I just feel like she doesn’t recognize how often I really am gone.
On top of that, she said something really insulting and condescending. She said that she gets that my parents want me to have a friend, but it’s unfair to her and disrespectful of her privacy to make me get a roommate when I am introverted and stay in the room a lot.
My parents didn’t force me to get a roommate, I didn’t want to spend an extra $2000 on the comfort and luxury of having a single room. I mean everyone wants that, but I chose to have a roommate, I don’t mind having one, and my parents have never worried about me making friends, my social anxiety is bad when it comes to authority figures and large crowds and stuff.
For her to assume something like that also was just rude. If she had told me that she wanted to work out a plan where we both could have more private time, I would have understood since our schedules are different.
- She complained about the fact that I lock the door all the time.
In my house, my mom always would say that if I see the front or back door unlocked, I should lock it, especially if I’m home alone. It’s just a habit I do when I would pass the front door and see it wasn’t locked.
So I do the same in my dorm, if I go by my closet and notice the door’s unlocked, I just press the button on the handle. I didn’t realize that it annoyed her because it’s not hard to unlock the door.
When I know she’s coming back soon, like from the bathroom or getting a drink, or even getting food, I don’t lock the door. But if no one is in the room and I don’t know when she’s coming back, I always lock the door.
Also when I don’t know when she’s coming back and I am in the room, I lock the door as a habit and also because sometimes her friend next door to us will just walk in to see if Jane is in for her to hang out.
I again, don’t have a problem with any of the girls on the floor, but if she just told me that it annoyed her, I would start to remind myself that I’m not at home and I don’t need to always lock the door.
I feel very safe in the dorms anyway so that’s not a concern.
- Again she complained about how I never leave and she wants to have friends over but she can’t. But that’s not true, I mean other people on the floor bring their friends in while their roommates are there and they just put in headphones or simply ignore them.
Sometimes I know it’s better to just leave and let them hang out, but I didn’t realize that when I would put in headphones and literally just lay in my bed, I was annoying her. If she just told me that sometimes she wants to talk about private stuff with her friends, I’d find somewhere else to go.
I don’t know, I think that I’m mostly shocked by the fact that she never brought this up to me.
And on top of that, there’s tons of stuff that she does that annoys me that I am willing to just ignore because I can’t fight everything. Am I the jerk for not noticing that my behavior apparently annoyed her? Am I lacking in social skills if I expect her to tell me about something when she’s annoyed instead of just knowing? I mean the thing is, I know that people need to vent sometimes and I get annoyed that I don’t have absolute privacy and silence sometimes, I think everyone feels that.
But the way she was basically yelling about it and saying she didn’t want me as her roommate seemed like it was more than just venting.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m a senior in college. Welcome to your freshman year roommates.
Freshman year roommates always suck. So don’t let this make you feel bad.
As for her she clearly has issues with herself and is putting it on you. Just because you have money doesn’t mean you have to do anything.
As roommates, you put in your equal share regardless of income. It’s just how it is. Also, if she had a problem she should have just said something. She’s clearly just a jerk who needs to start stuff with people.
The one thing I think is annoying (maybe cause I hate it) is smoking in the room.
It smells up everything, so if she asked you to stop then don’t do it in the room. However, things like not paying enough, locking the door, and being in your own room are downright disrespectful to be mad at.
Yes, your roommate is a piece of crap who clearly has issues with her own financial image, but that’s freshman year roommates for you.
You’ll move out in like 3 months anyway.” MrAlphaNu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re also not lacking social skills. If she’d have brought all this up to you yourself before and you ignored her then you’d be the jerk, but she didn’t.
Your roommate sucks! Why go blabbing about all the things you’re doing “wrong”? She needs to grow up, come to you if she has a problem, and discuss it like an adult. Also, that is just as much your room as it is hers, you can be in there as much as you want.
It doesn’t matter if your parents are wealthy it doesn’t mean you should pay for more stuff. That is ridiculous! I’m sorry you’re having to go through all this on top of all the other stuff your family’s been dealing with.” Nooneknowsmebutme
12. AITJ For Asking For A Free Massage With A Different Masseuse?
“I (26F) had a voucher for a float and a massage. For those who don’t know, the float is in a wide and shallow bathtub, and the water is full of magnesium. You float for an hour and it’s supposed to do all things for your muscles.
I’ve had this once before, and the massage after was incredible. I was so relaxed going in, and I fell asleep! I still think about it.
This time was different. I have hypermobility so I’m always in pain due to tight muscles, but I just wanted a full body relaxation massage (the one paid for) with a focus on my right shoulder.
I made this clear because he was taken aback by the amounts of things I listed as being painful. This masseuse never once had me on my stomach; I was face up the whole time. I told him the knot under my shoulder blade was so bad I couldn’t breathe and I just needed some work on there (maybe 15 mins) and the remainder spent on the rest of my back and legs.
Well, he didn’t agree.
He’s an ex-trigger point specialist, but not the kind you’re thinking of. The kind where he places his whole palm on one area, and his other hand on an opposing area. It’s good to relax the top layer of muscles but did NOTHING for my pain.
I kept telling him the knot was still sore but he kept saying he needs to release the front of my shoulder first before the back. He never went onto the back, and instead said that would be next session.
Now, this is effectively a day spa.
You don’t go there to start a treatment plan, you go to relax. I was not relaxed. Every 10 seconds this happened: “ok, can you feel the tension there (where the hand is)?” “Yes” “does this help?” “Yeah/kinda/ouch/no”. For an HOUR.
He also gave me a glass of water at the end but his thumbs were over the edge and in the water.
I complained, and the owner called and said this was the second complaint they’d received in two weeks to the same effect (I didn’t mention the water).
They said he’s a very good relaxation masseuse but has a hard time switching off his “treatment plan fix it” mode (not exact words, but that effect).
They offered me a voucher for an hour massage, but with him again.
Honestly, I don’t trust it’ll be relaxing and I got genuinely creeped out with how he would get so close to my face when asking me questions. The water thing grossed me out, too.
I messaged and asked to use the voucher with another therapist, but haven’t heard back.
I feel really bad. My friend said I should just see him again because it was a mistake because he’s new to the place. They also said it’s been too long (three weeks) to mention the water thing.”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ, and I wouldn’t allow that guy a ‘do-over’ when he failed to give you the massage you paid for.
I’ve gotten dozens of massages, and the therapists have always accommodated requests about how much pressure to use and areas to focus on. He completely disregarded your needs. If the spa has a review site, I’d contact them one last time and say ‘honor my voucher with a different therapist or I’ll reflect my experience and your lack of response in my review.'” ScorpioGirl70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in the slightest!! I relate so heavily to this post.
I’m also super hypermobile, and my right shoulder has been bad for years, then I got a torn rotator cuff and the joints slip out so easily I haven’t gotten it fixed. It took me a while to find a massage place I liked that listened, went exactly with where I said I was hurting, and made me feel relaxed and like a new person after going.
The water thing would totally bother me too, but I think it may be too long to mention it. I would try to speak with someone over the phone and mention you’re uncomfortable with having him again. I don’t see why they would have much of a problem with that and you deserve to get what you’re paying for, those trips are pricy.” thesirens95
Another User Comments:
As a trained medical massage therapist who specializes in myofascial release and myoskeletal alignment, which sounds about like what he was doing for you, when my client says they want a relaxing, feel-good massage with a focus on their shoulder, I give them a relaxing, feel good massage with a focus on their shoulder.
He couldn’t get past his ego and the very false assumption that he knew your body’s needs better than you do instead of providing the service he was paid and asked repeatedly to provide. I wouldn’t trust him to lay hands on me again either if I were in your position.
Two complaints in as many weeks is a problem this place needs to seriously address.” Lightworthy09
11. AITJ For Being Upset That My Friend And I No Longer Share The Same Interests?
“So my best friend (let’s call him Matt) and I (both 22), have known each other for about 18 years. We had a rough patch from when we were 18 to when we were 20 due to a big girl love triangle situation, and then he went off to work in an American summer camp program (followed by travel) for about 6 months after his 21st birthday.
Needless to say, we both changed a lot and grew to like different things in the time since we were last thick as thieves so to speak. We still get on great, playing Halo and whatnot several times a week, and meet up every couple of months or so after we both moved away to different parts of the country.
But the trouble here is that we can’t really hold a conversation well unless it’s about Halo or our personal lives.
Like, I grew up with his family being almost like an extension of mine and vice versa, so we are pretty enthusiastic about what’s going on with everyone else. But beyond those topics, we can’t make headway. We used to like the same music, and now he’s heavily into John Mayer and Hoobastank.
Not bad music, but I’ve tried to get into it to no avail. Certainly not beyond considering it tolerable to listen to IMO. He’s surprisingly enthusiastic when Mayer comes up in conversation and will energetically discuss his music and background, recommending numerous live performances and guitar solos of Mayer for me to check out (which I do, and while okay they still do nothing to get me invested in Mayer).
But when I suggest a song or two from an artist I like, he will ignore me or procrastinate checking them out. He’s attempting to get me to join him for the Mayer UK tour, which although I appreciate the invite to spend time with him…
I dunno, it just seems like he forgot or doesn’t care that I’m just not a big fan of Mayer and wouldn’t want to spend that much time or money seeing him perform. I’ll likely still go because my being there clearly means something to him, but it’s frustrating that it seems one-sided (no chance I can get him to join me for a Ninja Party concert if he won’t even listen to a single song).
He also got heavily into American Football.
Like he went away to America uninterested in any sports and came back a diehard Patriots fan. Brady is his hero, and he enthusiastically discussed how well Garoppolo (?) was doing recently. Last Superbowl I happened to be round at his place, so he convinced me to join him in watching it at gone midnight.
It wasn’t the worst thing to watch in the world, but I couldn’t make myself invested in it. Like I tried to appreciate the athleticism, the tactics used, the oddity of the sport (being that American Football is a rarity here in the UK) and none of it worked.
The best part of it was seeing how upbeat my friend was while he was watching it, happily commenting on plays made and various facts he found out about the sport. He still tries to get me into the sport so he has someone to discuss it with, but for the life of me, I just can’t get interested.
It might be a jerk move, but I kind of fake some interest at times. Like I subscribed to a Patriots forum and added the Pats to my Google Now interests so I can get some Pats news every now and then to mention in conversation with my friend.
I don’t get a lot of the references, but he seems to light up when I show an interest in it so I keep trying to get into it.
On the other hand, he doesn’t really try with my interests.
It’s especially irritating because I’ll talk about something with him, and he is like a brick wall with automated “Oh cool, yeah nice” responses, but if our mutual other friend recommends 10 new books to read you can be darn sure he finishes the lot before he considers checking out a music video I recommended a while back.
I’m a massive fan of writing, to the extent that my dream job would involve writing in some regard. I’ve done a lot of comments and posts on Reddit that I’m proud of and tried to show them to Matt and my other close friend but neither would bite.
After meeting up for a drink one time, I not so subtly drew attention to the fact that a comment I made online had garnered a staggering amount of upvotes, and slid the phone over to him. He seemed to read it and told me it was great, and that his partner would love it because she was a massive scrubs fan.
He suggested I send him the links to all the submissions I made on that sub so that she could have a look (which I did), and he still hasn’t done it. I asked him for thoughts on the original novel I’m writing and didn’t have much to say besides asking what the protagonist’s friend was going to be called (before briskly changing the subject).
He’s not completely up himself though, like he will ask me what my plans for the future are and then he’ll try and brainstorm with me to figure out a plan for going to college and getting a qualification, possible university placement, and so on.
If I try to plan something for us to do (like playing some Xbox), he’ll often be busy with his partner or unavailable for some reason.
Fair enough, I can’t expect him to always be around. Then when he plans something for us to do and I manage to work my schedule around it so we can play a game together, he’s barely there. He’ll invite me to a game and party chat, then go AFK (away from keyboard) for 15 minutes (not explaining or apologizing afterward).
When he’s playing, he’ll mostly be talking to his partner while on mic to me, and might even take a call from his mother while we’re in group chat. Heck, a lot of the time he bails soon after joining because he has to go watch Netflix with his partner or he forgot to make dinner or something.
I don’t blame him too much for that as obviously his mum and partner are important to him, but it’s just a tad annoying that the only time we can spend playing a game during the week is consistently interrupted throughout by him chatting to his partner or mother.
I don’t even have a problem with either, as his mum used to be like a second mother figure for me growing up and I get on alright with his partner. It’s more that when we do play together it’s not really like time for us to enjoy and talk like friends.
Sorry if this seems like ranting, it’s kinda built up for quite a while so putting it into words just feels therapeutic in some way.
So what do you guys make of this? I’ll be happy to clarify points or give more detail where necessary.”
Another User Comments:
“You are not a jerk for not liking the same things as your friend. I agree with you that this is something of a one-sided friendship.
I wonder if there’s a mismatch between how you two see each other as friends (i.e. you see him as a lifelong friend who should be invested in your life and what’s going on, whilst he sees you as a casual friend who’s fun to play Halo with).
I’d suggest downgrading the friendship from your end, focus on the things you enjoy doing together and less on the things you don’t.
You may find that he mellows with time and becomes a more enjoyable person to spend time with, so I wouldn’t suggest ditching the friendship altogether.” sandra_nz
Another User Comments:
There’s nothing wrong with drifting apart if you don’t share any common interests or reducing your amount of contact besides the occasional phone call. It doesn’t sound like he cares much about your hobbies, so why not find someone who does?” Reddit user
10. AITJ For Wanting My Roommates To Ask To Use My Parking Space?
“Ok, some background. I live in a major city and parking is a pain and/or expensive, with residential parking and no guest permits. The nearest public lot is pretty far away. When I first moved in, my roommate (1 of 3 roommates, the others don’t have cars) and I both had a car, and we rented “tandem” spots from our landlord.
I put “tandem” in quotes because it’s kind of cramped and you “can” put two cars in but it’s awful and he only rented it to us because we live together and were kind of able to make it work.
My roommate ended up asking the landlord for a different spot because she hated it so much, and then selling her car after about 2 months of living there (that’s fine, she worked it out with our landlord and it’s off the lease).
I said that guests can park in the “tandem” spot but have made it clear MANY TIMES that I want to be asked if they can park (I have friends that come over and need to park, and bottom line, I pay for the spot).
We’ve lived here for 1.5 years and for the most part everything was fine – I park in the spot every day and occasionally roommates would ASK if a guest could also park. All great.
Then. Roommate 1 gets a partner.
I come home one day and there’s a car in my spot (taking up the whole spot) that I am unaware of. It turns out to be her partner. I should have said something to her then, but I didn’t want to make the partner feel awkward (because it’s not his fault) and I had places to be.
Now, yesterday she texts me and TELLS me that he’s parking there and to let her know when I get home so we can switch cars around since he wasn’t staying the night. As soon as I read the message I was LIVID.
She’s a writer and very conscious about how she words things – she did not ASK me and it was very intentional.
Honestly, I LOST it. I blew up at her about how she and one of the other roommates only think about themselves and all I’m asking for is for them to be courteous enough to ask me to use MY parking spot.
That’s all I want!!! She said that I was being aggressive and rude (kind of valid, but I don’t care – I am mad) and said that “There are two parking spots and you pay for one of them.
I thought telling you was being courteous.” – it’s NOT 2 parking spots. It’s 1. It’s been 1 parking spot for a year and a half. ADDITIONALLY. If I did not rent my “1” parking spot, the landlord would rent it to someone else, and then she wouldn’t be able to park anywhere.
I tried to talk to her about it earlier but she called it a “guest parking” spot and I LOST it again.
I know that Roommates 1 and 2 think that I’m being a dictator about it, and I know I’m overreacting a little, but I still believe I am 100% right. ADDITIONALLY #2 – the phrase “guest parking spot” has just come up, after living here for 1.5 years.
The verbiage from everyone has always been that it’s “my spot” (because, a reminder – I’m the one that pays for it!!) and now that Roommate 1 needs it more for her partner she’s trying to justify that she shouldn’t need to ask!
I’ve had similar problems with Roommate 2 (blocked me in when I had places to go, etc).
Is it really SO much to be asked? I pay for it, and I park there every day.”
Another User Comments:
Unless I am mistaken, she asked you to tell her when you would be back so that your spot would be free at that time so that you would not be inconvenienced. And then you lost your temper and were rude to her for no reason.
Going straight from not saying anything to blowing up is not a mature way to handle a situation with your roommates.
On the other hand, if they don’t pay for the spot and you do, then they suck for trying to sneak their way into owning it too without even offering to pay.
If they insist on the ‘guest spot’ thing, ask your landlord to tell them that it is, in fact, yours and that you’ve only been gracious about them using it.” Silrhyn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You pay for it so it’s your spot. If I was in that situation my roommates (and all of their guests) would be banned from parking there and would be getting a tow if it happened repeatedly.” Pineapple_Sunshine_
9. AITJ For Making The New Girl At Work Cry?
“I work on a swine farm with a girl called M. M and I were given the task to weigh all the pigs in one of the rooms to make sure they were heavy enough to send to market.
We have to move pigs from their pen to a holding pen (HP) and then on a scale.
Pigs are prey animals and they know it so they’re naturally skittish and don’t like going to new sections of the barn.
Often they will do everything they can to stay in their original pen because they know that area is safe. It’s much easier to move pigs in groups because once they see that one pig has gone to a new place the others assume that area must be safe.
Getting a pig to move alone can be difficult.
While M and I were moving the pigs out one got left behind. M went and pushed the other pigs into the HP while I struggled with the last pig. Then New Girl (NG) came and stood by the open gate and watched me.
The pig had a lot of space to move and it was nearly market weight (200 to 250 lbs) so it could easily push past me and my board over and over again. I let out a frustrated grunt.
When I did, NG laughed. I ignored her and M came back to try and help me but this pig was fast and pushed past both of us to get to the back of the pen. M started getting frustrated too and NG laughed again.
NG continued to laugh until M and I made a call to leave the pig behind and estimate its weight. When we did that NG just walked away and continued to do the task she was supposed to be doing meaning she didn’t even need to be there.
She only stood by the gate to laugh at us and I got very mad but just continued my work
A bit later our boss came down with NG and told M and me to teach her how we weigh pigs.
We said ok and he walked away. We were ready to get another pen of pigs into the holding pen so I took NG into the room while M stayed back to reset the scale. When I opened the pen NG and I pushed out all the pigs with the boards but one had slipped back into the pen.
I told NG to push the last one out and I would take the rest to the HP. Then I just walked away and waited by the HP. M asked me where NG was and I told her that she was trying to get the last pig out.
M laughed a bit because she knew that it would be pretty much impossible for one unexpected person to do it.
We wait there for about 5 minutes before M decided to go back and help her, I refused to do it.
M came back about 30 seconds later with the pig in front of her and NG behind her. NG had clearly been crying. Neither of us acknowledged it and continued to work.
A few days later another worker came and told me that I was a jerk to NG and I should have stayed to help her.
I knew that I should have stayed with her but I honestly don’t feel bad. I didn’t give her the added humiliation of someone watching her struggle nor did I ever make fun of her. I just wanted her to struggle on her own so she would understand that these types of situations aren’t something to laugh at.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
I hired a new line cook. He pulled this crap when the lunch rush hit the first day. At the time, I was a beast on line. I told my line guys that I was going to work Saturday from 9 am to noon with the new guy.
My guys knew this was code for have the station ready and I’m going to smoke the new guy.
I got new guy so frustrated because he SUCKED. He knew nothing and I got in his head by telling him to cut the bagels on the diagonal like bread.
Every time he cut the bagel I told him it was wrong and to do it right next time.
After 30 minutes, I let my crew take over while I talked to him. He learned not to be a crap that day and became a decent line cook.
Sometimes new hires need a reality check.
Mocking folks gets you a tough love moment because your parents must need help teaching this value.” anotherouchtoday
Another User Comments:
Part of the job as a more experienced member of staff is to welcome and teach the new members of staff, not ridicule them.
She was out of order laughing at you, so leaving her trying to do the same job on her own is a fair punishment (and revenge).
You could have used it as a good learning tool – leave her for a few minutes, point out how it isn’t quite so funny on this side of the fence, then teach her how to do it.
By refusing to acknowledge or teach her, all you have done is drive a wedge between you and alienated her.
She made a dumb and rude mistake, but you let petty revenge and bullying overtake professionalism.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
And not gonna lie, if someone starts crying because they cannot corral a pig (after just watching two pros struggle and fail to do so) on their first attempt. Perhaps they aren’t ready to be working yet.
It’s not even like you yelled at her or berated her for failing, she couldn’t complete the job and she just fell into a mess of tears on her own?” OrginalCanadian
8. AITJ For Dismissing My Mom When She Shows Up Unannounced Early In The Morning?
“My wife Luna just gave birth three months ago to our baby girl. It’s been good so far however my mother for the last week has not respected anything I’ve said.
Luna hates people in the house and so do I.
Our house is meant to be our safe space, it’s not an open door policy or somewhere you can just barge into.
We both get uneasy is the best way I can explain it.
My mother keeps on coming by at early hours Like 6-7 o’clock.
Sometimes we are sleeping sometimes we are not. The first time we were asleep as the baby was asleep too.
The Baby usually wakes up around 7:00- 8:00 She wakes up about 3-4 times throughout the night give or take but it is still tough to get her back to sleep.
What I’m trying to say is we need all the sleep we can get. Even if it’s 5 minutes. I told my mom that I appreciate her stopping by but I need her to call first.
Then she tried to go into the baby’s room to go “say hi.” I stopped her and said that she was sleeping and she could come by later if we aren’t busy.
She has come by five times this week. At 6:30 exactly. My wife has gotten up 2 of those times because she blows up her phone. She’s clearly exhausted. She comes by to “just say hello” “see if the baby’s awake” “wanted to drop this off.”
We tell her every single time she cannot keep coming by unannounced but she dismisses us.
Yesterday. She called me at 5:50 exactly saying she brought donuts. I told her thanks but please come by later. She said to just open the door she just wants to say hello. I told her to come back later, we are tired and need to sleep.
She said that she will come take the baby so we can sleep.
But we were sleeping until she called us and so was the baby. I didn’t need her to take the baby today. I said no and hung up before any further conversation.
She proceeded to bang the door for the next 10 minutes until she finally gave up.
I’m getting a lot of bad messages because of this, but my thing is even if I did need her to take the baby or wanted her to come in, sometimes I won’t and don’t.
She’s already not listening when we say it’s not okay.
My wife is already exhausted throughout the day, this is the last thing any of us needs.
I know what I did sounds so disrespectful and I apologize for that but I really really don’t know anything else I could have done.”
Another User Comments:
Times have changed since your mum had her kids, she has watched the world grow.
She should also remember how hard it can be on new parents, and how valuable sleep is.
She needs to respect your wishes and learn what times are best for YOU, and not when it is convenient for her.
PS I hear there are motion-activated sprinklers these days, mainly used to keep pests off the garden…
Might be worthwhile a look into one and set up halfway between your door and the footpath.” NotThatKindOfShell
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and THANK YOU SO MUCH for being a sensible adult, parent, and partner. You have your home and your boundaries, and you are not compromising them.
This fact will go further in teaching your child how to handle than ever folding to insistence like your mother’s. It’s also incredibly refreshing to read about someone who is perfectly in agreement with their spouse in these threads.
I do not know what your normal level of communication with your mother is/how present she was before the birth of your child but you may wish to consider going NC until she can get a handle on herself.
To the tune of ‘this is harassment and I will be contacting police/a lawyer if you do not stop coming to my house outside the methods we have laid out.’ It is obvious she feels entitled to her say in your child’s life and you do not need that when trying to learn your new life balance with an infant.
Good luck and stick to your guns.” Veldrin_Dalharil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your mother is.
She is intentionally ignoring boundaries you and your wife have set. Nothing you did is disrespectful. My sister just had a baby – I would not blame her if she murdered me for waking her up at 5 am if she was able to catch even a few minutes of sleep.
This is one of the most stressful times as a new parent, and your mom is actively making it harder.
I have a theory (especially based on your mom’s comments of “just give me the baby”) that she is intentionally doing this either to wake the baby up so she can take care of them herself or to make you both so exhausted that you ask for her to step in.
I cannot imagine BANGING on the door of a house with a sleeping baby unless you were purposely trying to wake that child.
I’d send her a stern message (or phone call – probably wouldn’t invite her back to the house for this), explaining that she is not welcome at your house prior to X time, and you will not let her in if she arrives before that time, and you will be turning off phone notifications for her at night.
I’d also inform her that if she doesn’t respect these – very basic – boundaries, she won’t be welcome back at all. And enforce it. Let her know that since she disrespected you yesterday, she isn’t welcome back today.” anonymousbuggie
7. AITJ For Telling My Partner She Should Help Out The Other Women In The Kitchen?
“My (30M) partner “Laura” (39F) and I went to my parent’s place for a family gathering yesterday night. My parents have weird, backward “traditional” views, that women are “wives and mothers” before anything else. Girls in my family were taught to dress “modestly”, and focus their energies on becoming a “good wife” to attract a “respectable man”.
Laura is a senior doctor. She is practically the polar opposite of my parents’ worldview. She is pregnant at the moment and has made very clear she intends to go back to work as soon as the baby comes, and wants me to stay with the kid (which I don’t mind doing as she makes much more money than me, but we haven’t told my parents this of course).
She always dresses elegantly, has her hair and makeup done to perfection, and lives in heels. My parents have repeatedly voiced their disapproval of her clothes and lifestyle, as well as the fact that she’s older than me when the opposite is true for everyone else in the family.
Now that the pregnancy has been announced, I warned Laura that there will be much more focus on us, especially as we’re not planning to marry just yet which they already disapprove of.
Normally what happens at our family gatherings is that the women stay in the kitchen, helping prepare the food, lay out the table, and clean up after everything is done, while the men hang out in the front room.
Laura has understandably never taken part in this tradition and prefers to just stay near me.
However, I asked if she would just play along this time. Everyone is going to be talking about the pregnancy, and someone is going to mention the fact that we aren’t married.
I feel like pushing the boundaries any further will cause a scene that nobody wants.
Laura agreed and did the kitchen routine through gritted teeth. However, when we got in the car to go home she was enraged. She said she isn’t “a freaking waitress” and said I have another thing coming if I’m expecting that from her in the future.
I wasn’t sure what to say to her. I took no pleasure in seeing her taking part in my family’s weird traditions. It was just something to prevent them from questioning her choices and lifestyle and how she chooses to live out her pregnancy.
It was to protect her.
Another User Comments:
Why are you even tolerating this nonsense? Why aren’t you standing up for the mother of your child?
You don’t wanna rock the boat with your family? Well if that’s the case why bother with Laura at all and not stick to what your family expects? Why put her through that?
If you have a daughter will you expect her to conform to these idiotic, patriarchal, and antiquated “roles” in front of her grandparents so they don’t get upset?
Grow up and get a backbone.
If you want Laura then stand up for her and if your family doesn’t like it then it’s their problem.” Saysaywhat91
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and a giant flaming one at that.
“I’m doing it to protect her” – she can do that on her own.
If she cared about your family’s traditions she’d be complying with them. She clearly doesn’t and doesn’t care what they think about that.
Who cares what they think or what they say? Clearly, you’re the only one out of the two of you who does, otherwise, you’d be backing her up instead of asking her to bend to them.
You better give her so many apologies.” gumbuoy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You might be trying to spare her from being confronted by your family, but could you have been projecting? Did you feel unable to face their questions and couldn’t stand up for yourself or your partner so instead you asked her to hide away like something shameful?
That’s likely not what you meant.
But it’s how it comes across. Prioritize your partner, the mother of your child, and stand up for her. You call their traditions weird and backward, so you shouldn’t participate in them. You’re letting your family’s teachings seep through by thinking you have to “protect” her. She’s an adult who can make her own choices of where she wants to be. If she wants to be with you and face the scrutiny, so be it. And you stand with her.” CrimsonKnight_004
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take In Foster Children?
“I am a 36-year-old, high-functioning autistic male. I’ve been married to my wife (a 36-year-old neurotypical woman) for 5 years now. We have two children, a 4-year-old autistic daughter, and a 2-year-old neurotypical son. It has been my wife’s dream forever, to do foster care.
I work in marketing and design with a dream to become a professional animator. My wife has always been incredibly supportive of this dream (watching the kids so I can work on my animation, picking up extra work so I can attend animation courses, etc).
She has really gone above and beyond. I was not diagnosed until recently, earlier this year to be exact. Before this time, I didn’t really know what I didn’t know. I struggle with identifying emotional needs and then meeting those needs.
That’s a huge deal. Until my diagnosis, my wife apparently just thought I was kind of a selfish jerk. I’m a good person at heart, and I do a lot of things to show this, so I imagine she had some cognizant dissonance, else she probably would have just dropped me like a bad habit, rightfully so.
We’ve constantly been working on this and more effectively since my diagnosis.
I am becoming more and more aware and really working hard to improve my capacity to meet her needs. I love my wife very much and I love the family we have built. I recognize I have weaknesses and am trying to learn to accommodate those while also playing to my strengths.
I’d say things in our relationship are better right now than they have been since before we had children (which I credit to having massively fewer amounts of stress in our lives).
The reason for the background information is that one of the things my wife has complained about is feeling that her hopes and dreams took a back seat to mine.
In reality, the way it played out, they have…in my mind, I think, “If you would have just told me you wanted to do XYZ we could have done it!”… She says there was never a point in our life where she felt like she had the ability to do that, as my needs seem to have engulfed our life.
She is correct. I would do anything for her and am willing to make sacrifices for her, even more now that I recognize how much it has been neglected. So, back to the matter at hand. She wants to do foster care.
This is something that I have zero interest in and never have. However, it’s not something I am against. I think it’s a wonderful thing. It means the world to my wife, so yes, I have agreed to do it.
We had to take classes over a few weekends to get licensed. We weren’t able to go to them together as someone had to be here to watch our children, so she took her classes first, and then I took mine a few months later, every Saturday for a few weeks.
My wife was married previously to a man who also agreed to do the foster care, but when the time came to take a placement, he backed out and said he had only done it to make her happy…which is a terrible thing to do, but I believe this fear is something she still harbors, and it’s understandable.
We have since become licensed foster parents.
(Resource parents is the correct term now I think). We had a family member’s child, who had been taken into custody, living with us for a few weeks before we were licensed. She is now with another family member.
Since being licensed we have done respite care for an around 8-year-old girl who also has autism…the stays have ranged from a weekend to 2 weeks. My daughter has had a really hard time adjusting to the respite placement when she is here.
I don’t know if it is specific to that girl or just someone cramping my kid’s style in general. To be fair, that girl was up her butt constantly and my daughter prefers her space.
So, we currently do not have a placement with us.
My wife is pregnant (due in June). She suffers from Hyperemesis (it’s like morning sickness, but on steroids…she is sick all day every day, struggles to stay hydrated and to eat enough…constant danger of losing too much weight). I try to do what I can to help.
My struggles with executive function (thanks again Autism) make what I can do, not quite as much as I or she would like. We’re always behind on housework for example. I say we, I mean I am always behind on housework, for example.
When it comes to bedtime, my daughter does not sleep well at all.
On a given night, she doesn’t go to bed until midnight, sometimes as late as 3 am (thanks Autism again). In b4 suggestions for getting her to sleep….we have tried everything short of sleeping medication, which I am not comfortable giving a child.
Generally, melatonin helps the most. Regardless, I opt to stay up with her so my wife can sleep as I feel she needs it more than I do….so every night I am up at least until midnight, usually later.
It’s not just hanging out with my daughter either. We do get to spend a lot of cuddle time, but much of it is her being super upset because she wants to sleep but can’t…laying down, thrashing, popping up and running about, crying, rinse and repeat.
It’s exhausting. This then compounds the above executive function issues.
So the morning comes, and my wife lets me sleep usually until she needs my help with something, bless her….but I still wake up thoroughly beaten and exhausted from the anxiety + stress of the night before.
But, we’re making do…we are improving, I am finding and practicing ways to work around my shortcomings. She actually told me yesterday “You have been such a big help this pregnancy and I really appreciate it” which made my heart swell, because in the previous pregnancies a complaint was that I did not do enough to try to help out and make her time easier…
I always wanted to, I just did not recognize how. So this little thing is a big thing for me. I have an appointment to begin seeing a counselor the second week in January, which I am very optimistic is just going to help me further with ways to cope and work with my adversity.
So on the whole, things are looking up….now comes the real issue (sorry but I think the background info was important.)
Today we received a call from DHS. They have two brothers that need to be placed. A 3-month-old baby and a 2-year-old boy.
DHS says the 2-year-old has no behaviors that would be dangerous to our children, which we both have agreed would be a deal-breaker. They said the children have a family member who ‘might’ take them… I learned from my class and asking my own questions that DHS will say anything above the law to get a child placed, and making us feel like it might be temporary is a tactic that is often used.
The children are coming from a different foster home where they have already been for a month. They were taken from their parents for substance neglect. I don’t believe this would be a short-term placement. The other foster parent who the children would be coming from is dealing with some health issues, which is why she is not keeping the children herself.
So my wife asks if we can take them. My mind is flooded with a billion thoughts. I know she wants to. “I want to have a baby to snuggle and I think our son would love having a buddy to play with.”….those are true statements, and I understand them.
I’m a super logical person, and to be honest, what I am thinking is the following:
- We currently have our hands full with our two kids, mostly due to my own shortcomings, which I am working hard to improve.
- You (wife) are so sick all the time..most days you take a nap while I watch the kids so you can get a break.
There’s no way I am going to be able to properly care for 3 children and an infant while also doing my work (I work from home…moved my computer right into the kitchen so I can work while watching/playing with my kids, so my wife can try to get some rest.)
- Our kids don’t sleep…my son goes to bed around 9 pm, my wife sleeps with him, and he wakes up a few times during the night.
I am up with my daughter anywhere from 12-3 am. Now add two more children, one being an infant to that mix….
I feel like my wife is thinking of the positive things but not considering the very real negative things.
I feel like if it was one of these children…either just the baby or just the 2-year-old, it would be tough but we could handle it and adjust. I expressed these fears to her and she listened, and even said “Yes, I think those are valid concerns,” and I even expressed that I don’t want her to think I’m leading her on, getting licensed just to make her happy but not taking any children (as I’ve said, we’ve had a respite placement already, and if this was just one child, I really believe I would have been uncomfortable (thanks autism) but I would have done it because I know what it means to her and I know it would be ok).
She said she knew that is not what I was doing.
So I said, “I don’t think it’s a good idea to take a 2-year-old and a 3-month-old right now. I think it would be too much stress on our family.”
“So that is how I feel.
But if you truly believe it is a good idea and it is so meaningful to you, if you want to do it, I will support you.”
Cue nuclear disaster.
Now she is extremely ticked off. Told me that her dreams are not important to me and that everything is about me.
That I make all the decisions and she gets no say, that she’s never going to be able to do the things she wants to do, etc, etc.
I asked her if she would feel this way still if they had called with one child…she said, “Yes because you would have said no to that too.”
But I honestly wouldn’t have.
So right now, I feel really, really bad… I DO try to support my wife and her dreams ARE important to me…but I cannot get past the feeling that taking on 2 children right now (remembering that she is pregnant and incredibly sick…
really sick) is not a good idea. I told her to call them back and take the children if it’s what she really wanted to do. I would not hold it against her, I would not say anything about it, I’d just get on with it with her…
she did call back, eventually, like hours later… left a message, and then told me she is so depressed because it’s probably too late now.
Between being a man, being autistic, and being really emotional about this right now, I don’t know up from down.
If I am the jerk here, it is ok, I’ve been the jerk plenty of times and I try to learn from it. I am always yearning to understand more about my world and the people I care for.
I believe it’s possible for an autistic person to be supportive and loving and I feel that is what my wife deserves… so my goal in sharing this is personal growth and understanding… not for someone to blow smoke up my behind one way or the other.
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk.
I am very familiar with the foster care system. You are not required to keep foster children for an indefinite length of time. As long as you are upfront that this cannot be a long-term placement and hold firm, they have to respect that.
You are right to be apprehensive about any placement.
There is always a risk that must be mitigated.
That said, your wife is not wrong to be very upset with you for saying no. There’s a LOT of baggage going on here – add her hyperemesis and pregnancy hormones to your VERY clear reluctance to be a foster parent and this blow-up was bound to happen.
I’m not saying you should take this placement, but I think you need to sit down with your wife and decide what you’re both really comfortable with.
I don’t know if you are licensed with DHS directly or with a private agency, but maybe that’s something to look at.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not at all. You are clearly being more considerate of her feelings and really trying.
Two kids under two would be a massive undertaking to add to your current situation. It seems there is more going on with your wife that she doesn’t see the huge issue of doing this while pregnant/violently ill. Her anger towards you is not justified in this scenario.
I think it would be a disaster. And it’s not like you said no to ever doing it. You just realize the reality of your current situation.” julesinlrar
Another User Comments:
“No one’s a jerk.
I applaud you for putting in the work to overcome your own struggles.
I can’t imagine how difficult that is.
Your wife has been going through her own challenges and now is feeling horribly ill and, likely, on a hormonal roller coaster. I’m not suggesting for a second her feelings are solely hormonal, just that that is an amplifying factor.
I believe your instincts are right on …
there is no reason to introduce that kind of potential chaos into an environment that is already upside down and only going to get more stressful the closer you get to delivery.
If I were you, I would do my very best to approach the conversation in a straightforward but loving way:
You agree her needs have taken a back seat and you are trying to fix that (have a few examples)
You are open to fostering, evidenced by the fact that you got certified and have brought children into your home.
You are open to fostering again in the future.
At this time it doesn’t feel like a healthy choice for anyone…
added strain is not good for your wife… pregnancy is a strain on your own two kids… you are trying your hardest and this is only going to add to the strain… and these poor children in need will be coming into a chaotic environment when they likely would be better served by a family that can give them full attention.
This will likely take multiple discussions but if you make sure to make her feel heard and make it clear you are only speaking about a specific time window and you are also wanting to engage this decision as a team, I think she will see the light. Seeing a marriage counselor is also a good idea.
Good luck!” Reddit user
5. WIBTJ If I Contacted My Bio Siblings Despite My Bio Parents' Wishes?
I was adopted by a couple who separated shortly after my adoption, and I was eventually taken away from them and placed into foster care when I was 3. That’s where I grew up.
Recently I’ve acquitted details about my biological parents from a family friend who helped connect them to my adoptive parents all those years ago.
I looked them up online, they have three kids, an M15 and twins F13. The son has the same name as mine.
A few weeks ago I went to the church they go to and saw them from a distance, didn’t introduce myself, just wanted to see them before they knew who I am.
Also figured out where they live, where the kids go to school, where they work, and some other general information.
About two weeks ago I finally sent a message to my mom, explaining who I am and telling her that I would like to meet them.
She saw the message that day but didn’t reply for a whole week, and then just sent a very short message telling me they’re not interested to know more about me or having me in their lives, to not contact her or her family ever again.
I sent a message to my dad then and he said we can have a phone call. We had that call last week. He didn’t even let me tell him anything about myself, he explained that they had me when they were 22 and didn’t want a child back then so they gave me to another couple and there really is nothing for us to discuss.
He said he doesn’t want to know more about me and doesn’t want to hear from me again.
I’m not going to lie this was difficult for me to hear and I had a few days to process it. But I get it.
They didn’t want me then and they don’t want me now. I’m trying my best to get over it, but I still have three siblings. Maybe they would want to get to know me?
So I sent another message to my dad and thanked him for taking the time to speak with me and being frank about what he wants.
I explained that I respect the fact that he and my mom don’t want me in their lives and that’s their choice and I will respect that, however, I have three siblings and I would like to meet and get to know them.
He called me an hour later, this time he was angry and told me that he made it clear that I have no place in their family and that I should stay away from all 5 of them forever.
He said the kids don’t know about me and it will stay that way. I wasn’t expecting him to call me or the aggression so I was kind of shocked but I was like “but that should be their choice” and he said he’s not going to discuss his family with me.
Ended the call by saying “do not contact any of us ever again.”
WIBTJ if I went to talk to my siblings, introduce myself and let them know they have an older brother? I’m obviously not trying to be a jerk here, but I don’t think the parents get to make this decision about the children.
I do want a relationship with my siblings (of course only if they want that too). If my siblings don’t want to get to know me, I’ll stay away from all of them.”
Another User Comments:
“You WBTJ if you engaged them currently.
They are children and their guardians have requested you not approach them, as you are an adult at 18, you need to respect that.
However, if you waited until they turned 18, you’re all adults and can do what you want.
You don’t even need to wait for them all to turn 18. The oldest being 18 is enough imo.
I am adopted myself. I was approached by members of my biological family when I was 13, I was not at all prepared for it and it messed me up.
Let them be kids before blowing their worlds apart. They’ll eventually find out about you anyway because the world’s literally an open book now with DNA testing and ancestry.” Danguin89
Another User Comments:
“Based on the clear boundary your bio parents are setting please do not contact your siblings until they are 18.
It’s not a leap to think that if you attempt contact with your minor siblings your bio parents will go for a restraining order. You’re not wrong for wanting contact with them, but making contact with a minor against their parents’ wishes may have very bad consequences for you.
Do NOT show up at their home, church, or their schools. It will not end well for you.
YWBTJ to yourself if you end up with a record over this honey. From an Internet stranger that’s barely old enough to be your mom, I wish I could give you back the time you feel was stolen.
I wish I could give you a hug and give you all the attention and affection you should have been given. What I can give you is my heartfelt plea that you do not contact those kids until they’re adults.
Be well. I’m rooting for you.” sunflowerjane22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting to contact those children, BUT – you should wait until the oldest one turns eighteen and contact him then. Right now they are still children and it’s up to their parents to decide whether or not they should have a relationship with you.” awyllt
Another User Comments:
You don’t have the right to disturb a family unit when not everyone is adults and the two adults in the family have made it clear they don’t want you to be involved in it. It sounds like you’d want to just to cause chaos and call out your bio-parents for something that isn’t really anyone’s fault.
It’s understandable that you want to know and connect with them, but the parents of those children have made it clear they don’t want you doing that. You’re also somewhat endangering their emotional/mental health by just coming by with serious information.
You could get in trouble for harassment because that is what you’re essentially doing. Wait until they’re 18 and see what happens or just move on. Make your own family, do a 23&Me and find out whatever from your genes… But don’t harass people who don’t want you there. It’s bordering unhinged behavior to threaten your bio-parents for not wanting to open up the can of worms that you kinda are..” DoeShoes0829
4. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Husband For Calling My Son A Nickname?
“I’ll preface this by saying that I F,34 lost my late husband years ago to Cancer. I have a 6-year-old son named “Joseph”. I met my now husband “Tim”, M37 2 years ago and got married recently.
Tim loves Joseph and considers him as his own and he has shown that many many times.
We don’t normally have any issues except for this: Tim started a habit of calling my son a nickname “Joey”. My problem with this nickname is that it was used by my late husband for Joseph and it is kind of special to him.
I asked Tim to not use this particular nickname and he at first fought me off about it then came around and stopped doing it.
Days ago. I hosted dinner with my late husband’s family (they visit regularly). We say down for dinner and suddenly, Tim out loud said: “Hey JOEY! Could you pass me this plate please?” The whole room went quiet.
I got all sorts of dirty looks from my late husband’s family because they know this nickname was exclusively used by him. I looked at Tim and then lashed out at him loudly and in front of everyone telling him that what he did was not okay and was a major overstep.
He seemed shocked and said that he really wasn’t paying attention and it was a slip-up. I responded that I already warned him about it a million times yet chose to ignore it. He was red in the face.
He got up, excused himself to the bathroom, and stayed there.
After the guests left he started arguing that I embarrassed him, hurt his feelings, and went too far for scolding him publicly over a slip-up. I said that I already told him about how my late husband’s family and I feel about this but he said that we should get over ourselves especially since Joseph clearly doesn’t care.
We argued some more then he and I stopped talking to each other.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If your son is okay with it then it’s no one else’s place to have an issue with it, that’s including you. I get you and your departed husband’s family want to hold onto his memory for your son but realistically your husband is the only father he’s really going to know and by you letting your dead husband’s family insert their wishes like this, the only person you are hurting is your son.” Equivalent_Collar_59
Another User Comments:
You were the one who brought attention to the JOEY nickname by blasting him at a family meal. JOEY is not a patented or exclusive name. Yes, it is special to you. Your son is very young and you have found someone who adores your child, isn’t that enough?! What you are doing is making your new husband hyper-aware of anything he utters is going to upset you, set you off, claim a memory is sacred, and perhaps push him away…now THAT would hurt your son Joseph cause a bond has been formed.” NCKALA
Another User Comments:
I get that you lost your husband. His family lost him as well. But it’s been years. Are you and his family going to lose it every time you hear someone refer to your son as Joey?
Y’all are projecting your pain on your current husband and it isn’t fair to him or your son.
You got together with your current when your son was, what 4? Does your son have any memory of your first husband/him calling him Joey? I can’t help but feel like, while your pain may be understandable, the way you handled it was wildly inappropriate.
Especially in front of your first husband’s family.
I feel like there needs to be some more healing on y’all’s end. Like it or not, he is gone. Would he want the person who is now raising his son with you to be kept at arm’s length because of something like this? I know what it is like to lose someone to cancer.
Even years later you still feel the pain. But at some point, if you don’t let it go, then the only thing you feel about that person is the pain of the loss.
Is the memory of your first husband worth losing your second? You need to figure that out.
And you need to have your husband’s back if moments like this come up with your first husband’s family in the future. YOU chose him, they didn’t. It isn’t surprising they didn’t like this situation. What is, is the public tongue-lashing you gave him in front of them about it.
You preserved your passed husband’s (extremely common btw) nickname at the expense of your now husband’s feelings.
This is much deeper than a nickname. I wish you luck figuring this out though!” Flimsy-Opening
Another User Comments:
“I think that it’s telling that you’re ignoring the most important person in your story.
Not your dead ex, but your child with him. You’re setting him up for a bunch of trauma. Every time someone calls him Joey, which will happen out in the world, he’ll be traumatized.
Tim screwed up, but his mistake wasn’t intentional or cruel.
Your trauma is real… But it’s manifesting in a way that builds a shrine to your ex, putting barriers between you and your life now. It doesn’t make you a jerk. It makes you someone in need of therapy.
No jerks here.” BigBayesian
3. AITJ For Not Trusting My Partner To Be Alone With Our Son?
“My partner (m32) and I (f30) have a son (19 months) together.
It has always been a rocky relationship and our son was not planned but very much welcomed by me. My partner didn’t want him, but when he realized I was keeping him no matter what (I told him it was his decision alone and I would accept whatever he wanted to do and make it work that way for the 3 of us, everything from not being in his life to continuing on living together) he decided to stay.
We have different backgrounds.
He has 5 other siblings, his mom is somewhat NOT a housewife (despite having 6 children weird right?), and he has not been raised to be a functioning adult. The kids always were on their own as mom decided to go work when the youngest one was a year old and dad was always away at work as well.
So these kids are all nice people but have not gotten any proper bringing up.
Rules, consequences, and especially cleanliness were never an issue at that home. There was a lot of lying to get out of trouble. I understand that that is what happens when you leave 5 little kids mostly to their own and I try to understand when my partner lies or does not clean up properly.
I was raised by a mom who went to boarding school for 2 years to learn how to be a housekeeper (but for the industrial sector meaning she was employed mostly in old people’s homes and the like).
I have a brother who is 9 years older so I was raised mostly as a single child one would say but I learned to share and all that as my brother obviously was there we just didn’t have much in common.
I was raised to make my own doctors appointments instead of just letting the issue get worse and worse, was raised to look after my possessions properly, to take care of things and clean them and keep a clean house (and when I say clean I mean just clean, not sparkling, not perfect, but clean).
There were rules at my house, simple ones, i.e. homework had to be done before doing anything else.
My mom was and is a very patient, loving person who always discussed situations with me and taught me to talk about things that were going on and she taught me how to handle my emotions and share them.
My partner and I met, fell in love, and 2 yrs later I got pregnant.
The first year and especially the first months were very, very, very, extremely hard on us and me especially. My partner never learned to show sympathy. I had had a horrible birth (I thought the baby was dead and I was going to die) and a hard time breastfeeding, the baby would scream a lot and never sleep and I was a wreck.
I knew I “signed up” for it, but I think so did my partner when he decided he would stay.
Now comes the part that bothers me. He does not take proper care of our son. He never has. I wanted to trust him, from the start, but he always messed up somehow.
I could recite a thousand things where he put my baby, our baby, into serious danger. I can very well say that that kid is just lucky that nothing bad has happened to him yet while being in the care of his father.
I have talked and talked and talked to him about child safety. We even had a special midwife assigned to us from 8 weeks on as I was getting worse and worse and needed help and wanted a professional to be there whenever I had questions.
My mom sadly does work a lot and is rarely there to ask. His parents were no option as they live too far away. Even our midwife told him repeatedly what to do and what not to do. He never listened.
He had no bad intentions but he simply, IMO, thinks “oh well things will be okay”.
There was a situation where, we would bathe our son and then dry him off A LITTLE with a blow dryer, his feet especially as he hated being touched there to dry him off and we didn’t want any fungus problems.
The midwife told us to be very careful, as babies, especially boys, have died because of electrocution from peeing into the blow dryer. So I made sure to always put a towel around the baby’s privates to prevent this.
My partner never bothered which bothered me. In that one situation, he took care of our son after bathing and when I came into the bathroom he turned around, and lifted the running blow dryer up, luckily, because right then the baby started peeing.
I was mortified, to say the least. I practically saved that kid from getting electrocuted. He had not used a towel on him.
Our son has hit his head so hard on our coffee table that he chipped off a front tooth at 8 months because his dad couldn’t be bothered to look at what he was doing and he had just begun to stand and hold onto things.
I heard the hit and my partner was lying on the ground facing into the opposite direction of the baby. I was livid.
This summer I saved our son from falling down into a concrete pit, as he was standing on the ledge ALONE while his father was off talking to friends, having left our son out of his sight.
My partner almost drowned as a kid because his mom left him with his older brother at age 5 and 6 alone at a public pool and he couldn’t yet swim right! Because she had to go “take care” of the other kids.
My father-in-law once thought it was appropriate to hand my 6-month-old son a lid of a honey jar! My mother-in-law was sick with the flu, did not tell us, let us come over for “tea” and spent the day on the couch coughing into my son’s general direction, then went on to give my partner a brown, dried-up, top part of a lemon squeezer she probably coughed onto as well while making hot lemon tea with it, for my son.
to PLAY with and CHEW on it! She thought it was a great idea and so did my partner! This all happened while I was out for 2 minutes taking a bathroom break. I had JUST explained 30 minutes before, that we had started feeding him solids and were taking it very slowly with introducing new food as my family is prone to allergies.
Also, no one in that darn family knows about the dangers of honey for a 6-month-old.
My father-in-law also doesn’t listen to what I say. Our son reacts extremely to sugary food. If we give him anything, like yogurt with sugar in it, he will go berserk for hours.
Hyperactivity due to sugar consumption. So my partner’s parents were over for coffee and cake and I said our son could have a little cake because, of course, he will want the same food we eat. No biggie. Let the child have some cake.
But the FIL spent his time feeding our son his little slice of cake while he could have eaten it very much on his own, so my fil’s cake was still there when we were done. And he kept on feeding him with his cake and I said no.
My partner stuck to his dad’s side and said a little more won’t hurt. Then WENT AND GOT MORE CAKE FOR OUR SON. I said I don’t want him to eat THAT much sugar, my fil dryly said “well you could make a cake with less sugar in it the next time I won’t mind.” I was furious.
Again. My son can have cake. But a child-sized portion and not his grandpa’s slice as well. Of course that night my son went to sleep at 10 pm instead of 7 pm.
Our latest arguments were about:
- My partner allowing our son to handle our extremely sharp knives while sitting in his high chair and eating.
Of course, our boy wants to “cut” things now and he is welcome to, but with a children’s knife. No, my partner lets him take our sharp adult knives. And of course, our son cut himself with one of them.
- My partner giving our son his own blow dryer (our second one in case the first one breaks and for travel) and actually plugging it in and letting him handle it while he’s blow drying his hair after bathing.
Again I had to take matters into my own hands and took that darn thing away from my son as he started pointing it towards his privates and wouldn’t you know a second after I took it he peed again.
I flipped. I told him he could have the blow dryer but NOT plugged in.
- Our son having an eye infection needing eye drops and my partner simply not administering them and waiting for me to do it but I was at work and could only do it later than he was supposed to take them.
We had already switched to heavier ones as the first ones did not help the infection and it was crucial to stick to the times administering them.
- Our son got stung by a wasp because my partner let him pick up apples from the ground while wasps and bees were swarming around them (this summer was so hot here and the bees and wasps were so crazy this summer).
He did not even have his cell phone with him. What if my son had an allergic reaction? They were out in the woods and he had no means of communication. He didn’t even tell me when they got home.
It was me who realized our son’s finger was swollen and he said it hurt. My partner told me “oh well he came up to me crying and I didn’t know what was wrong. I guess that was it then.”
- Our son was allowed to run around with a screwdriver, playing with it unsupervised, while my partner was repairing something in the other room.
I could go on, but I don’t want to think any more about these things.
I am at my wit’s end. People have asked me about how my partner watches our kid. I have been asked why our kid wasn’t wearing a jacket when it was cold (I put one on him and his dad took it off).
I have been asked how I feel knowing my son runs around by himself while my partner talks to friends.
So of course, over the past 19 months, I have developed a fear of leaving my son with my partner or letting him visit his parents with him without me there as well.
I TRY to get over it, somehow. I know I might be on the extreme side, but…it’s my baby. There is a time and place for everything, I understand my kid gets older and wants to do big boy stuff.
No problem. But at 19 months I don’t want him handling knives, being on his own without someone supervising him, and handling other things that are not supposed to be handled by a 19-month-old.
I know I am not a perfect parent, and while these things have never happened when I was with my son, I know SOMETHING could happen as well while he is in my care.
I do let him play on his own and I do go to the bathroom without him by now. I do let him spend time with my partner. But I am uneasy every time. I know I have to let my baby grow up, and this is not about it.
It’s simply about the safety of my child.
I get that these things “happen” but it’s the way they happen. I don’t even want to protect him from “everything” but I don’t want to stand there and have things happen to him because I or anybody else didn’t watch him properly.
I don’t want him to be overtired because someone couldn’t resist feeding him too much sugar. He is a bad sleeper as it is anyways.
So. My partner is planning on visiting his parents without me. He keeps telling me to enjoy the day off and have some me time but I can’t.
He is also planning on going to an indoor waterpark with my son and my niece and nephew. He plans these things when he knows that I have stuff to do. For example, bake a cake for a party or sew something (clothes) for friends.
I appreciate it so much that he wants to take our son and give me the chance for some free time but not like this.
So I instead, postpone all the things I would have to do and tell him I will be coming along.
He is not willing to change anything about his lack of proper care for our son. He says I am taking things too seriously and that everything will be fine.
I have tried and tried over and over again to talk to him but he simply cannot see the potential danger he is putting our son into….on a regular basis. But when I think about all the things that have happened and especially could have happened while our son was in his care…I can’t.
I feel sorry for it but I can’t change it. He is my son and I love him more than anything. I have always wanted a boy just like him. He is the light of my life. I just want him taken care of properly.
am I the jerk for saying and doing the things I do?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you are.
Your son is as much yours as he is your partner’s.
You and your partner grew up in different households with different rules, under different circumstances.
Doesn’t mean your way was better than his. You’re forcing your partner to abide by all of your rules while not letting your partner add anything to the parenting choices.
You seem controlling and convinced that your way is the only way.
There are millions of ways to raise children.
Kids will get hurt, they’ll bump their heads, chip their teeth… grandparents will spoil them. They’ll grab stuff off the floor they aren’t supposed to, etc etc.
Trust that your partner and his family love your son and that everything will be ok.
Don’t be so controlling. You’re not giving anyone any favors doing so (as much as you mean well.)
I’m not saying you should let him do whatever he wants. But try to bend a little, and he should do the same.
Meet somewhere halfway.
Lastly, what would your response be if roles were reversed? If you wanted to go away for the day with your son and he refused? Would you be angry? Would his opinion even matter?” clegg
Another User Comments:
“Ok, NTJ, BUT you need to chill out just a little.
Kids will be kids. They are gonna bump their heads, they are gonna fall down, they are gonna get skinned up knees and bee stings are gonna happen. It doesn’t matter how much you babyproof the house, they will find a way to get into trouble.
With that being said, your partner is an idiot. I sometimes don’t trust myself with a knife, let alone a baby. He needs to start paying attention to what the heck is going on and he needs to gain some common sense.
Just bc he survived (somehow) a childhood as you described, doesn’t mean it’s what’s best for the kid. You need to have a serious heart-to-heart with your partner. And flat out tell him that you don’t trust him alone with the baby. So what if he is sensitive, maybe then he’ll realize that you have a real concern over the safety of your kid. I definitely wouldn’t let him take the baby to a swimming pool by himself.” doubler87
2. AITJ For Asking My Sister Repeatedly To Pick Up Cat Poop?
“I am a 20 y/o aspie artist. I live at home and don’t make enough for my parents to be comfortable charging me rent, so I do weekly jobs around the house to contribute. Would usually do so the day before this story, but I woke late after having a poor night’s sleep and had to go to a meeting about my small business, so the bigger job of vacuuming/mopping was left to today as the house is too busy for loud vacuuming in the late afternoon.
My sister is 17 and I find that she’s a bit of a terror. Some days I get her ‘public face’ – the perfect child who got Head Girl and is loved by the majority of the school. At home, I usually deal with a child who likes to play a third parent to me, not follow her own advice and rage at her family for everything going on in her life.
We have two cats, Sebastian and Bundi.
While I do a number of jobs around the house, their litter boxes are a job my sister and I share.
Today, I woke up and passed the laundry where the litter boxes are kept. See stuff on the floor.
Grrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaat. Since I cleaned up the floor poop yesterday morning, even though I had to fly out the door, I feel like it’s fair to ask if my sister could do this one this morning.
Go out to the kitchen.
Sister’s making breakfast for herself and Mum with earbuds in. I have to talk a couple of times to get through her earbuds, eventually just stating that there’s cat poop on the laundry floor and asking her to pick it up.
Sister chastises me for not asking her more politely, as I had not continued using the word ‘please’ after the second attempt to get through her earbuds (about 4 tries total).
Then she brings up the times when she has told me someone needs to do the litter box, I went into the laundry to find poop on the floor, and then I went to ask her if she knew about the floor poop.
In the past, she has pushed her jobs onto me, so I had reason to ask at the time. She apparently thought I was trying to prove something by mentioning the floor crap. I explain that I simply felt I should tell her because I knew at the time.
Sister continues to tell me that the only reason she didn’t mention floor poop was because she didn’t know, which I confirm that I understand now.
I sit and talk with Sister and Mum over breakfast. Lots of topic jumps and some nonsense, y’know, family stuff.
After breakfast, I ask if Sister remembers that I asked about the litter boxes.
She gets huffy and Mum tells me that I don’t need to check in on her so much and not to ask again. I explain that I only brought it up because I know I forget if I get distracted by anything, but that I understand.
I go to get started on the vacuuming.
Sister is wandering from her room to the bathroom to the kitchen, on her phone. I change out the vacuum bag, maybe a five-minute job total. Still wandering and texting. Plug in the vacuum and clean the first two rooms, five to ten more minutes.
Still. Texting. Not even moving towards the laundry. I know she needs to nail down a date for something with her friends, but come on, we have known this crap was on the floor for approaching an hour now.
I decide Mum’s previous order now ranks as a request. Probably a jerk for that.
I ask a third time for her to pick up the cat poop. Sister looks like she wants to tear my face off for that, snaps her hands through her hair so hard an earbud falls to the floor and stomps up the hallway.
I hear her grumbling through my own headphones and ask her, very calmly, to repeat herself.
“It’s not like I have anything to do!” she snaps. I explain that I needed to vacuum in here, that I could not vacuum over the cat poop and had to move things around in there to clean properly.
I explain that I have seen her wandering around on her phone. This job will only take her two minutes.
From what I was able to see, my sister wandered through the house on her phone for the next hour and a half before jumping in the shower, so that was apparently her idea of things to do.
I did go on to warn my Mum that I asked Sister again since she was wandering on her phone and I needed it done quickly, just so she knew why she was angry.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
It is poop on the floor of the house you live in. And if it’s in fact a 2-minute job, just do it.
Also, it’s your sister, not your child. If the cat poop isn’t bothering your parents and they aren’t forcing her to clean it, it isn’t on you to make her do it.
As someone with a sister myself I know the one way to make your sister not do what you want her to do is to ask her to do it, especially more than once.
Lastly, not for nothing, if it was so imperative to you that this cat poop get off the floor, why not pick it up yourself?” Richie1148
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with YTJ.
Not in a harsh way, but in a take a step back way. You come off as very controlling. You are not the parent and probably don’t need to be nagging her constantly. Just pick up the cat poop and stop worrying about tissues and move on with your life.” Reddit user
1. AITJ For Not Wanting My Stepdaughter To Be One Of My Bridesmaids?
“I (28F) am engaged to Mike (M44). He’s put me totally in charge of wedding planning while he plans a honeymoon that, according to him, is very elaborate and thoughtful. He has a daughter (16F), Leanne, who hates me.
Mike was separated from his wife when we first met on an app, and apparently, they had gotten back together once after the separation, so she thinks I came between them reuniting again. So she uses that as a reason to treat me like garbage.
When I was pregnant, she told me she hoped I would miscarry, and she would tell all her friends I was a homewrecker and that my baby was a demon spawn.
Anyway, when Mike asked for me to add her to the wedding party as a bridesmaid to show us becoming “family”, I told him “heck no.” And he got incredibly angry.
He says that it’s pathetic that I’m “beefing” with a teenager and that I’m being selfish.
I would never try to keep Leanne from her father’s big day but it’s also my day and I should be happy and comfortable.
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Mike – who is substantially older than you and should be more mature, isn’t parenting his daughter well. You’re closer in age to the daughter, which might explain your extraordinarily childish behavior to her – that’s on you.
This whole situation is doomed, like Titanic doomed. At least postpone the wedding until you can all get some counseling.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
Not for this, but YTJ for being involved with someone and agreeing to marry them if you can’t get along with their child.
Leeanne is not going anywhere. She is going to be Mike’s daughter, always. If you can’t get along with her, you have no business marrying Mike.
She said some horrible things but she is a teenager. That is what they do.
You are an adult. What do you think will happen when you and Mike get married? “Oh, it’s only a few years then she’ll be an adult.” “She’ll be at her Mom’s most of the time anyway.” ?? No.
She’s part of the package. Maybe you tried really hard to get along with her and maybe it’s not your fault at all but if you two have such animosity that the idea of her being your bridesmaid repulses you, DON’T MARRY HER DAD.” NotLibbyChastain
Another User Comments:
“She is 16 years old.
I won’t deny that she’s got issues, but you lowering yourself to her level with your ‘heck no’s is not going to help matters. You are the grownup in this relationship. Also, your fiance is an absolute idiot if he thinks her being in the wedding is going to fix things.
So I guess ESH.
I agree with everyone who has said that you need to get yourself, your fiance, and your stepdaughter into therapy and sort this out before you move ahead with wedding plans.” Mehitabel9
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – if you want to be a family with Mike, you also have to accept his daughter – warts and all.
Leanne lost her stable family and sees you stepping in to “replace” her mom in her dad’s affection. Whether you think it’s true or not, it feels true to her. It’s totally reasonable that she wouldn’t like you very much.
She’s also a teenager who is (developmentally speaking) supposed to be testing the boundaries of rules and parental relationships.
You will have to earn her affection over time, by showing up, and demonstrating you want to be in a family with her.
You aren’t trying to be her friend – you’re trying to be her relative.
There are lots of examples of unhappy, divided families around – why would you want to go down that path?
Mike offered/suggested a way to be welcoming. You would be the jerk if you didn’t follow through.” Only-Memory2627