People Express Their Worries About Their Ridiculous "Am I The Jerk" Stories
21. AITJ For Not Wanting To Come To My Sister's Wedding Without My Partner?
“I (42 M) am significantly older than my sister (19 F), Isla, even tho we have both the same parents (they had me young and her old). Despite this we are super close and always have been even tho I was in my 20s when she was born, we are closer than most of my friends are with their siblings and she is one of my best friends.
Isla is getting married in 2 months to her fiance (20 M). They are having a bit of a non-traditional mixed wedding party on both sides and Isla asked me to be her best man/man of honor, I’m the only family member in her wedding party.
One of their wedding rules is no significant others at the wedding and your partner can only come if you are married. This makes sense as most of her friends are 17 – 25 in 5-minute relationships and you don’t want random people in your wedding pictures.
I thought she’d make an exception for me tho which I know sounds selfish but hear me out.
I have been with my partner, Scott (45 M), since I was 21, he has been my partner longer than Isla is alive. We are not married because Scott’s cousin is a gay man living in a country where being gay is illegal so we have decided not to get married in solidarity until he can get married. Scott is like a second brother to Isla and she has known him her entire life and loves him.
In her stroppy teenager phase Isla would run away to our flat and hang out with us for hours and these days she’s always coming around to talk to me and Scott. She is also not homophobic, she’s been super supportive of me and all her queer friends and is always bragging to her mates about me and Scott.
Scott and I love each other, have lived together for 15 years, and are very committed to each other, it’s not like some fling.
Isla told me that she couldn’t make an exception because it would look like favoritism and no unmarried couples means no unmarried couples.
I asked if she could invite Scott separately and she said no, though she was very very apologetic to him and on the verge of tears in a way I’ve never seen her.
I told her that, unfortunately, Scott and I are a package deal and if he wasn’t invited I wouldn’t be going.
I worry that it might be because her partner is homophobic (I have never liked him for other reasons) but she is very resistant to criticism of him and if you try to say he’s done anything wrong she’ll get super defensive.
Isla herself just said that she understands why I don’t want to go and she hopes this won’t ruin our relationship but her fiance and my parents are both angry at me and saying that I am being selfish and a jerk and taking the attention away from Isla.
Scott has also said he thinks I should go to support her and, although he is upset about not being invited, I shouldn’t miss my sister’s wedding day. I thought Scott at least would be on my side as we are both very upset about him not being invited but it seems that no one is on my side so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your sister are making a mistake here. She’s known Scott as a person, like a second brother, her whole life. This no-partner rule shouldn’t apply to people who you have a separate relationship with. I wonder if this is indeed her kowtowing to the homophobic wishes of her fiancé and not really what she wants to do at all.
That’s a bad omen for their future as a married couple if she’s so easily bulldozed by him. And you all are common law married by the rules of many states so she can stuff it with that non-married people rule. She’s also delusional if she thinks this will have no effect on her relationship with Scott and you moving forward.
It will eventually, she’s just too young and naive to get it.” Hot_Box_4574
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that she was in tears when she was saying no to your partner attending sounds to me like she has been given a three-line whip by someone else.
I would guess that her fiancée has said that he doesn’t want gay people at the wedding, probably because his family members are ‘conservative’ or some stuff like that. You have been invited because he couldn’t exclude you as her brother. I would ask your sister what’s going on – why is she excluding your partner?
Is that what she wants, or is this coming from his side? And I think it’s the right call to not go to the wedding. This is a point of principle. We don’t acquiesce to homophobia. She’s so young, and you are wiser. I hope you can forgive her.
Ask Scott if he would go under the same circumstances (probable homophobia). I think you both need to be on the same page here.” ShutUpMorrisseyffs
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Write A Character Reference For My Sister?
“My sister Amelia has two children – Theo (11) and Tony (4). Tony was born with a disability which means he has very high support needs, and this is something that was diagnosed before birth. Amelia split up with her ex, Brad, over this while she was still pregnant.
Brad pays child support for both children but only has partial custody of Theo.
Both Amelia and Brad should have done a better job of protecting Theo from the realities of the divorce, but unfortunately, he is well aware that they split up because of issues surrounding Tony, and this has caused problems. Which, as a child of divorce, I can understand (everyone’s quality of life declined as a result of the divorce).
He hates Tony, blames Amelia, and only ever wants to be at his dad’s with his stepsiblings.
It has been painful to watch my sister become a shell of herself and her relationship with Theo sour on both sides. It’s easy to say he’s just behaving badly, which he is, but she has run out of patience with him and gives him no grace when it comes to his valid feelings.
At the end of last year, Theo’s teacher called his parents in over a creative writing assignment in which he expressed some thinly veiled feelings about Tony, and the teacher was concerned. Theo is now in therapy. This incident prompted Brad to take Theo’s begging to live with him full-time seriously and is now suing for full custody, and Amelia is fighting it.
She asked me to write a character reference for her and I said no. I was honest that I didn’t feel comfortable advocating against Theo’s wishes, especially when I’ve seen firsthand how they are both struggling with the way things are. Amelia was furious, saying I was a bad sister for not helping her, and that if she couldn’t even get one person who thought she was a good enough mother to keep seeing her son then she would lose him.
She also said if Theo gets his way now, she will not be able to repair their relationship.
I understand all of that, but the way I see it, her having him around is damaging the relationship. More importantly, I don’t think I have any right to say I think Theo should be somewhere he doesn’t want to be.
I love him and I spend as much time with him as I can but I’m not qualified, professionally or personally, to know what’s best for him. I said all this to Amelia but all she heard was that I wouldn’t help her keep her child.
Our mom and stepdad also said no and she is now not speaking to any of us. The only person who said yes is our dad but he barely knows the kids, he only said yes because he’s just the ride-or-die type, and he is a flake so I doubt he’ll ever send the letter.
The point is, I don’t think Amelia is a bad mother, but I just don’t feel right putting my name to something I don’t feel sure about, even if I may contribute to an outcome she didn’t want. Does that make me the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Things have to be bad if no one will write a letter advocating for Amelia to get some custody. I feel like your story is glossing over that because it’s your sister and a hard truth. But that’s the reality your sister is dealing with.
If she can’t find a single person who knows her family intimately to advocate that she’s a good mum, then what does that say about her parenting?
It sounds like it might be more helpful if everyone honestly explained what she’s been doing that’s caused her son such depression that everyone agrees that he’d be better off with his dad.
Maybe if she knows, she can work on it as soon as possible.
For example, if it’s anger issues, maybe she can start on anger management. Which may help her retain supervised visitation while working towards partial custody.
No jerks here, but honestly, your sister feels like she’s got no one on her team.
Maybe you, Mum, and Stepdad can explain the steps she could take to rebuild her team and not lose her relationship with her kid permanently.” excel_pager_420
Another User Comments:
“Honestly I think it’s a soft YTJ. I think it’s amazing that you are thinking about what’s best for your nephew and distance really might help everyone involved. However, a character reference is one of the smallest things in a custody dispute.
Most is going to be actual testimony from Theo, the parents, and possibly the therapist. And I worry about your sister’s mental health as basically, everyone is abandoning her because Theo resents his brother. She’s a good mom, as you stated, and is being punished for no reason.
Theo has every right to feel the way he does even if it’s not okay to blame his brother for the parents splitting. And hopefully one day he’ll see that. Supporting your nephew does not mean you should throw your sister aside. They both deserve your love and support as neither are the villain in this story.
I think you should write a letter. It’s not asking you to give your opinion on custody. It’s saying how your sister, who is drowning under everything right now, is a good mom. It’s not a long-winded detailed description. Just 2 to 3 paragraphs, 10 to 15 sentences. Honestly, I think it’s the absolute least you could do and would show her that she has at least one person in her corner.” TraditionBrave1070
Another User Comments:
“No judgment here, but listen. You can write an honest character reference, as a show of support for your sister. I have written some character references for people who have done some bad things.
1. Judges don’t care that much. Someone’s sister or teacher saying they were nice to THEM or did good things isn’t remarkable.
The judge is going to be ruling on facts, and going to put most of his weight on what Theo wants. Which is good! Kids should get a say in where they live, as long as both homes are safe. It’s good for a parent to fight for as much custody as they can get, but it’s good that courts listen to the kids.
2. You’re not writing something that is evidence. You’re testifying as to whether did or did not do something the court accused her of. Theo is in a difficult situation, but he’s not being neglected, I assume, so it comes down to what? Whether your sister is a good mom?
What’s at stake in the judge’s eyes is probably Tony’s safety more than anything, and so there is very little you could say, truth or lie, that is going to matter. So you can write something vague about how she has been X kind of sister to you, and you see her work a steady job, manage a household on her own, and manage Tony’s complicated care.
It doesn’t have to be singing her praises as a parent. But I imagine a decent judge will give the husband primary custody because of the danger to Tony, and that would be a good call. And she will probably look for someone to blame, when in fact custody isn’t rewarded as a prize to whoever is the best parent.” swindle
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Allow My Daughter To Enter A Beauty Pageant?
“For the past year or so, my (M 43) daughter (F 15) has started to compete in local beauty pageants.
I was always against the idea as I find the whole concept creepy and superficial, but my daughter wanted to do it, and my wife (F 40) was supportive of the idea.
I agreed, and my daughter competes in them as her main hobby.
At first, it didn’t go too badly. My daughter did well, and I could see her making strides in her self-confidence, so I remained supportive. I was annoyed that any allowance she received went on makeup or clothes for pageants, but I understood that it was her money, so she had the right to spend it as she pleased.
However, over the past two months, I’ve seen real changes in my daughter. She is increasingly obsessive over her appearance, criticizing minute physical flaws, putting immense pressure on herself to do well in them, and any interests or expenses now solely go on pageant-related activities.
She still has a circle of friends, but she goes out with them less than I’d like as she’s focusing on pageants.
The biggest point of concern though has become her eating and exercise habits. My wife packs her a lunch for school, and she barely eats anything, mainly relying on diet soda and buying yogurt and fruit from her canteen.
When we go out for a meal, she opts for salad or something else low-calorie. In terms of exercise, she runs most days and exercises to excessive levels.
After I found a calorie-counting app on her phone, that was the final straw. I told her she was no longer allowed to compete in pageants, as I didn’t think it was healthy for her.
She cried and said I couldn’t do this and was taking away the main thing she loved doing. I stood by the decision and withdrew her from her upcoming pageant.
My daughter now isn’t speaking to me and has mainly locked herself in her room.
My wife says while she understands, she thinks it was too far to ban my daughter from pageants and should have just made sure she ate properly or put conditions on her competing.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – with minor overtures towards you could handled it better.
She’s been involved for under a year and she’s developed an eating disorder. Get her in therapy now. If the therapist is body neutral that would be ideal. She needs to unlearn all the patterning of thinner = better.
The whole joke behind the character Amber in Drop Dead Gorgeous was that haha last year’s queen was hospitalized for anorexia, how stereotypical. Except it’s one of those things that’s funny because it’s true, but also deeply sad because it’s true.
Just because you get thin enough to wear a sample size doesn’t mean that you’re going to win or that you are any better than any of the other contestants. Your daughter picked that up fast and it’s now going to be hard to unroot.
Get started now.” marigoldilocks_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From what I understand, the oldest she can be to compete in child pageants is 16, so she was getting close to aging out of them anyway.
While I realize that doesn’t mean she couldn’t then begin competing in adult-centered pageants, she was heading in a very unhealthy direction.
It sounded very much like she was developing an eating disorder. And the unfortunate reality of beauty pageants is they push a very restrictive body shape and even making sure she ate properly wouldn’t stop the inevitable pressure to be that shape. It was getting into her head and cutting that off at the source is what you’re trying to do.
Going forward? It might be wise to talk with your wife about what needs to happen now. It might be hard to find a middle ground with this specifically, but it could be possible to offer your daughter the opportunity to choose a new extracurricular activity she may like instead.” Icy_Fox_907
18. AITJ For Telling My Sister I Don't Owe Her Anything?
“I (25 M) was placed in the foster system by my bio parents when I was 2 years old, I was adopted sometime later by my real parents. I recognize that I’m fortunate to have been adopted before I had any real memory of the system and that my parents gave me a better life than I would have ever had if I had stayed with my biological parents.
I grew up privileged, went to private schools, had holidays abroad, and had my tuition paid fully when I started Uni. I was loved and never lacked anything. I currently have a well-paying job as a chemical engineer, a beautiful wife, a house paid off fully by my in-laws, and 2 children.
I’m very grateful for everything I have and recognize that I would be leading a very different life had I not been adopted.
Last year I was contacted by Opel (27 F) who claimed I was her brother and wanted to meet up. After careful consideration, I agreed.
After doing a DNA test together and digging a bit into family history Opel and I discovered that we were placed into foster care around the same time. Usually, foster care will try to keep siblings together, but for some reason, we were not registered as siblings and were placed into different foster homes (probably due to having a different dad/surname and being given up by different people).
Opel got very upset by this discovery, even more so after she found out that while she was never adopted, I had lived a good life with loving parents.
After the discovery, Opel started calling and asking to hang out with my parents and me, or asking me to do certain favors for her.
It got uncomfortable quickly since to be frank, I don’t know her that well, in all aspects except genetically she is a total stranger to me. I don’t feel comfortable landing her money or introducing her to my entire family. She even made a couple of comments that made me uneasy when she asked me if I thought my parents would have adopted her also had they known she existed when I was adopted, and if I think they would accept her into the family now.
Last night she called me again, this time to complain about how she saw that the women in my family had a get-together over the weekend and how she felt excluded since she didn’t get an invite. I told her that I get that she’s upset but that was a family get-together for all the women and she’s not family to them, so she’s not entitled to an invitation.
Opel began screaming at me about how it was unfair and how since I’m considered family she should be considered too by extension, and that I owe it to her to make sure my family invites her next time since it’s the least I could do for her as someone who got adopted.
I told her I’m sorry she feels excluded and that she wasn’t adopted but neither my family nor I owe her anything before hanging up the phone.
Since then I’ve been receiving non-stop texts calling me an evil jerk, I’m starting to second guess myself and need an outside perspective on the situation.”
Another User Comments:
“It’s time to block her. You had no control over what happened to you as a 2-year-old and owed her nothing. I’m sorry she’s jealous of your life and how fortunate you are, but that has nothing to do with you.
She can’t decide she’s a part of your family just because she wants what you have.
She sounds a bit unstable, I don’t want to be unkind because I can’t know her experiences but again, it’s not your job to provide her with a family or money or favors or whatever she’s looking for.
I’d look at this as a learning experience. You tried to do something and it didn’t work out. End of story and end of contact, because if not, she will drain you like the emotional vampire she appears to be. NTJ.” forgetregret1day
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Block her and also check that your family has their social media accounts made private to prevent her from seeing stuff as it sounds as if she was doing some online stalking. Yes, she’s your bio sister; you both had very different upbringings.
Yours was excellent but you still don’t have any obligations toward her.
Her demands from you and your family are unreasonable. As you say, she is a total stranger to you. Her behavior towards you has not made you feel in any way comfortable. Perhaps if she had come across as less needy, as less expecting, indeed demanding equal treatment from your adoptive family, things would have been different.” ShineAtom
17. AITJ For Being Angry At My Mother-In-Law For Ruining My St. Patrick's Day Plans With My Son?
“So my son goes to my MIL to spend the night once a week with his cousins.
Normally it’s a Friday night so I was excited to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on Sunday morning with him by making a leprechaun trap and having mischief before having green eggs and pancakes. My MIL called my husband to ask if he could stay on Saturday instead so he wouldn’t be at home in the morning.
I initially said no since I had already been working on the trap with him and was excited to see his reaction in the morning to the leprechaun escaping ND mischief.
Well, my husband mentioned they don’t ask for much and we can still do everything after we picked him up so I agreed. My MIL sent me a pic of the bunny craft they were gonna do and I sent a pic of the leprechaun trap we finished.
While my husband and I were out, she sent us pics of the leprechaun trap she did with him. I felt like she took over a moment I was excited for. She got to stay home with her 3 sons and I am now just a stay-at-home mom after having worked full-time and part-time for the majority of my life.
So this is the first year I get to be more focused on him. She helped watch him when we took him out of daycare and we paid her. So I know part of me is jealous she had so much time uninterrupted with her kids, her other 4 grandkids, and then my son.
I wanted to talk to MIL about it since I understand the other kids probably wanted to make leprechaun traps and obviously, my son is going to want to do whatever the older kids are doing. I was upset she didn’t ask or give a heads up BEFORE doing that with him when I communicated our plans and changed them to accommodate her.
When I spoke to her, I asked her how she would feel if someone else did something she was excited to do with her kids when they were little. She said she wouldn’t be upset but she could tell I was. She said she had no idea we were doing that so I called her out on the fact I initially said no and sent a pic of the trap.
She immediately cried and went to her room. I didn’t even get to talk to her about the communication issue since she texted me a question and then said something else to my husband and I think that was partly why we had this issue.
Am I the jerk for being upset she didn’t ask before making leprechaun traps with my son after knowing I had made one with him and was excited to see his reaction to the mischief?
Am I the jerk for confronting her about claiming to not know our plans and for wanting to talk about how she’s communicating with my husband and me?
For your information, we didn’t get to that part cuz she cried and left after being confronted about not knowing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but why are you giving away 1/7 of your time with your child away? Once a week is a ton of time away.
I’d never have been comfortable with that. You have very few years where you get to spend weekends with your kids. Once they are older there are activities, sports, birthday parties, friends, and schoolwork that will consume your child’s time (and once they are teenagers they will be embarrassed to acknowledge you).
Don’t give up all your time now, especially not to boundary stompers. Reclaim your weekends with your family.” Hufflepuffknitter80
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, go check out that just no MIL sub! Your MIL stole your thunder, no wonder you are frustrated. She might have a bit of a leprechaun streak herself!
I also would be very frustrated if she were talking to her son, about me, while I was standing right there. I used to hate that. So dismissive of you and not being willing to take accountably when you know you are wrong annoying. YUCK.
A simple eye-to-eye ‘I’m sorry, they were getting out of hand, I saw your picture, and it looked like a great idea, I should have told you. Maybe we can come up with something you can do for Easter? I’m sorry’ would have cooled the room.
But if you do want to keep peace, maybe she comes to visit your place more often to spend time with her grand if you’re up for it. So you can control the environment a bit better.
Congrats on the life change, and you get to spend time working as a stay-at-home mom.” DorothysRevenge
16. AITJ For Editing My Friend's Wedding Photos To Look Like Films?
“I (27 M) am not a professional photographer by any means (actually I am a dental nurse). I was very into photography from the age of 13 to 20, I did GCSE and A-level photography and then after I finished school at 18 I did a 2-year art foundation diploma with a photography specialism.
Due to this, I have a few cameras (including film cameras), and a good knowledge of Photoshop and I used to be able to develop my film (though I am not sure if I still have that skill as it’s been a while since I last did it).
I haven’t done much photography since then though because I realised I preferred it as a hobby rather than the quite brutal and competitive world of professional photography.
My friend, Ruby (27 F), who I went to school with, got married two weeks ago. About three weeks before the wedding she called me crying saying she didn’t have a photographer because she couldn’t find anyone who would shoot the wedding in film (her preference) for less than a couple of grand (she had a very long wedding and reception with lots of people and she wanted several hundred photos from the day – if you know anything about film you know you can only shoot 24 – 36 pictures and the speed of film needed to take pictures inside is relatively expensive, also she wanted them in color).
I tried to give her solutions but she was deadset on this and said it was her wedding so she should be able to get what she wanted. Eventually, she asked me if I would take the photos.
I was initially hesitant, as I said I am not a professional photographer, but she pressured me into it (basically implying that her wedding would be ruined if I didn’t) so I agreed. The pay she was offering me was not good (about £250) but she’s one of my best friends and framed the request like it was a favor rather than a service, so I accepted the loss.
I knew that doing it all in film would not work (as I did not have the skills to do it) and be incredibly expensive so on the day I took hundreds of photos digitally and edited them in Photoshop to look like film. Honestly, she was thrilled with them and didn’t even realize they weren’t real films.
I don’t even know how she found out because she believed my editing job at first but she called me today to tell me that I have ruined her wedding and her pictures and that I betrayed her trust, she and her husband are both furious at me and telling me I’m selfish.
She said she asked for one thing from me and I couldn’t even do that. Other friends are weighing in saying it was a shady thing to do and one even said that I could forget about any future work because no one would hire me after this (I am NOT a photographer) and I just don’t know if I am the jerk because I did lie but it was a difficult situation and the pictures are nice.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ overall, but it was a jerk move to not shoot in film and not tell her after she asked for that – I know it’s hard, but you should’ve been firm you couldn’t photograph in film, it just isn’t practical for a wedding.
THAT BEING SAID, it sounds like she was being manipulative, and paid you an INSANELY small amount.
Where I live, the cheapest wedding photographers cost at least 10x more than what she paid you… and that doesn’t account for how expensive it would’ve been to shoot on film.
While I think it was a jerk move to not tell the truth, I feel like you were put in a situation where you would’ve lost no matter what you did, and your heart was in the right place to try and help.” Kristina-Louise
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You needed to tell her that what she wanted was logistically impossible for you, so she had 3 real options. She could accept that you’d shoot digitally and then edit the photos to look like film. She could compromise on how long the pro film photographer was there to fit her budget.
She could scrounge the money to hire the pros she had already contacted.
Getting her wedding shot by you in film was impossible no matter what her budget was. Instead, you decided to deceive her. That’s a lousy way to treat people. Even if they don’t like their options, they’re supposed to get to choose between them, and your lying took that from her.
Pressuring your friends into doing work for you at absurd cut rates is also a lousy way to treat people.
If you love your friends, you can ask them if they can cut you a deal, but if they say no, you either pay their going rate or you don’t get the work.
It’s better not to ask and just pay the going rate if you can, though.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“Your ‘friend’ is incredibly lucky you worked so hard and did so much – to take photos that she was PLEASED WITH, (initially, at least).
And you did it for so very little money. How many times have we heard of the married couple cheapening out and getting crappy photos from a friend that happens to own a camera or a less talented professional? And yet your friend was pleased initially.
I would say she lucked out. But now she is facing a hissy fit because you shot the photos digitally. OMG.
Ya know, this isn’t like you baked the wedding cake with eggs and the allergic to eggs bride specifically told you to not use eggs.
OP gave the bride nice photos. I’m sorry, the new bride sounds off her rocker. If this causes a big rift in your friendship, I would say let this friendship go. NTJ” YouthNAsia63
15. AITJ For Wanting An Aisle Seat?
“My wife and I are planning our honeymoon to Australia, which will be about a 14-hour flight.
I hurt my back over a decade ago and it has never quite been the same. Most of the time it’s fine, but if I irritate it, it will ache for a solid week and it becomes difficult to find any comfort or relief.
One thing I’ve found with traveling for work is my seat selection is key to not screwing it up. I also have a bit of personal space anxiety, so window seats and middle seats always make me feel like I have to bunch up to maintain my personal space which almost always results in provoking back pain.
And that’s just for short 3-6 hour flights. With the aisle, I feel I can lean a bit into the aisle if needed when nobody is walking by and it drastically increases my comfort for the trip. Also, I like not having to ask others to get up so that I can use the lavatory.
We were discussing our seats and indicated to my wife that I needed the aisle seat, but she said it wasn’t fair because that forced her to take the middle seat which understandably very few people like. Her recommended compromise was that I would take the aisle and she would take the middle for the trip there, and we would switch for the flight home, that way if I am in pain it’s not during our vacation.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to not want to be in pain at all! I countered that we don’t need to sit right next to each other. I suggested she take the seat across the aisle from me so we could still ‘sit together’ and have the benefits of the aisle seat.
I also suggested another option: she took the window seat and that we didn’t need to sit together. She seemed shocked I’d even suggest we not sit next to each other for our honeymoon flight.
AITJ for not being willing to budge on this?”
Another User Comments:
“I think this is a boundaries problem. You need an aisle seat. There’s nothing wrong with that. One solution is for her to have the middle seat but she doesn’t want to sit in a middle seat, she also wants to sit in the aisle.
No problem!
An easy solution is that you can either sit in aisle seats in separate parts of the airplane or, if there are seats available in such a conformation, you can have aisle seats near to each other by sitting in the same row but on opposite sides of the aisle.
But she won’t accept this solution. Instead, she wants a solution where you give up something you feel you need, because, in her eyes, you don’t need it. This is where she is crossing a boundary because she is trying to redraw your view of reality (sitting in the middle will cause you intolerable back pain, therefore, you need to sit on the aisle) to match her view (sitting in the middle will not cause you intolerable back pain, therefore, you can sit in the middle).
Does she get to be the arbiter of what causes you back pain, or of how much back pain you can tolerate? No, she doesn’t. You get to decide that. If you were unwilling to spend the extra to get aisle seats for both of you then you would be in the wrong.
But, assuming you’re willing to spend sufficient for both of you to have aisle seats, then you are NTJ.” Reasonable-Sale8611
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ but depending on where you’re flying from, would it make sense to break the trip up with a long layover somewhere like Honolulu or Fiji where you could get out of the airport, stretch, sightsee, and relieve your pain?
I’ve had great stops in both those places from the US west coast to Sydney. Also, all of the flights to Australia I’ve taken have been extremely chill about letting you get up to stretch and walk around because they understand that this is a physical safety issue.
They usually have snacks you can grab, too.” mecistops
14. AITJ For Kicking Out My Dad's Family From My Mom's Funeral?
“I (29/F) come from a very traditional Asian family. I don’t have good relationships with my extended family on Dad’s side.
From a young age, I heard how they looked down on my mom for not being able to bear sons. They also felt my dad wasted money on me because I wasn’t good academically. After all, in my teens, I repeated a semester. I am doing okay now and have since graduated from university.
As my dad was caring for my grandmother, my aunt and uncle sometimes visited my house to meet her. There was one incident in which I was ill and my uncle was at the door wanting to hand money over to my grandmother. I wanted to close the door very quickly, but he didn’t want to.
He told me he would check with my grandmother if I had handed over all the costs to her and I shouldn’t steal any. To be honest, it wasn’t the way he talked that made me upset, but how he strongly held the door even though I wanted to close it.
Another incident was when my cousin had a birthday and we weren’t invited. Dad was super angry about it and felt my aunt looked down on my family.
After a long battle with cancer, my mom left the world. I was very sad about it but fortunately, my employer was kind enough to give me 2 weeks of bereavement leave.
It was very emotionally challenging for me to handle the funeral, but it laid on me because I was the only child. As I was doing reasonably well and had worked for over 3 years now, I took almost all of my savings for the funeral because I just could not emotionally go into the logistics of it anymore.
Out of politeness, I had to invite my dad’s side of the family even though I wasn’t feeling it. The affair was simple – buffet lunch catering, at a simple event hall without air conditioning. At first, my relatives were okay and paid their condolences to my mom.
Closer to the night, my aunt told me the funeral looked ‘simple’ and asked me how much it cost. Hearing this made me so angry, I tried to hold my tongue but I just asked ‘Why do you want to know’ perhaps very rudely and she was like ‘You disrespected your elders by talking back, I just want to know how much it cost!’ That comment made me angry (probably from all the bottled-up rage I had) so I swore at them and asked them to leave the funeral at once.
At first, they were reluctant, but they eventually did leave so I could ‘cool down’.
The next day my dad told me the aunt said I had ‘no upbringing’ and was very rude. The aunt wanted me to apologize but I haven’t yet because I hated her.
I am still grieving for my mother and I still can’t believe that the cost of the funeral was brought up at all.
I sometimes wonder if I am the jerk for getting angry with my aunt for asking that funeral cost question. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They never respected you or your mother, so they weren’t entitled to pretend they were grieving her loss. And bringing up money in any culture, I think is disrespectful. Apologize by saying that you’re sorry you didn’t ask them to contribute, so your mother could have the funeral of their dreams.” DameofDames
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Having buried my mom two years ago, that experience is incredibly emotionally and financially draining. You can’t be expected to have infinite reserves of cash and emotional fortitude. If your paternal relatives were decent people, they’d have come to the funeral out of respect for your mom and to comfort and support you, not to judge you on some crappy unspoken rubric.” silentSnerker
13. AITJ For Telling My Ex's Husband Our Sitter Does Not Work For Him?
“My ex and I have fluid schedules and got lucky with our sitter ‘Matt.’ Matt lives between me and my ex and was looking for a gig job to supplement his income as a bookkeeper.
He works about 15 hours a week guaranteed. My ex and I split the childcare costs 50/50 like our custody agreement. Our sons are 7 and 9 and are crazy for Matt.
My ex-Carol’ has been married to ‘Addison’ who works from home all the time. He tries to be the cool stepdad.
There have been times when he told Matt he could take off early or if he could start dinner or he would bath the younger one so Matt can walk their dogs or whatever so Addison could spend time with the boys before their mom comes home or I pick them up.
Yesterday, he told Matt he’d pick the boys up because he wanted to spend time with them. Matt was mad because he could have done something else.
I told Addison that Matt works for me and Carol and not you. You can’t tell him to go home early or start dinner.
He said Matt works out of his house and what difference does it make because Matt’s getting paid not to work, he gets to spend time with my kids and everyone is getting something. Carol somewhat agrees with him that Addison is in charge of the boys being there and she’s not at their house.
I said I’m not paying someone to make my ex’s husband dinner and it’s irritating Matt who I don’t want to lose a good sitter (they are so hard to find) so Addison needs to shut up. Even if I’m at home with the kids, I don’t ask Matt to do housework so I can play on the trampoline with the kids.
Let Matt do his job.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s not any of your business what happens with the hours your sitter does for Carol. She’s paying for those hours and they occur during her custody time. It’s nothing to do with you.
It sounds like Matt was given the choice to go home (but still be paid) or start dinner. I don’t think he has a lot to be mad about under the circumstances but if he is annoyed about being asked to do other tasks it would be fine for you to talk to Carole and say that if Matt isn’t needed to babysit he should be told he can go home rather than asked to do something else instead.
But you don’t have the right to say whether he should be released early or not on your ex’s time.” HarrietGirl
Another User Comments:
“Stepdad is being a dad and taking care of the boys… sounds like you’re butt hurt. Think of the part of the money you’re paying is going towards the Matt days at your house.
I think spending time with kids is more important than household chores. If I could pay someone to do chores so I had more kid time then I would.
Honestly, this just makes you sound jealous and slightly like a Neanderthal because you’re ok with paying someone to babysit versus spending time with kids.
And Matt gets the same pay but leaves early? He ain’t going nowhere. Starting dinner isn’t a big deal. Especially when you’re getting paid.” WickedRed84
12. AITJ For "Treating My Significant Other Like A Child"?
“My (22 m) significant other (20 f) is addicted to Instagram reels. She usually scrolls through for several hours a day while we relax in bed or the living room together.
Recently, there has been a lot of morbid stuff seeming to get through the filters of these videos. People being seriously injured in factory accidents, car injuries, and extreme sports seem to be becoming quite common. My SO gets quite seriously upset over these videos, sometimes to the point of tears or mild panic episodes.
I have told her to quit watching reels, and it is something she is working on.
A couple of times now, I have lied to her about recognizing the video. I tell her ‘Oh yes I remember that happening, the guy managed to escape and turned out fine’.
This makes her feel better, and she can scroll on without getting upset.
Yesterday, she saw a video about a horrific car accident, where a car was crushed between two trucks. Again, I lied to her saying the driver escaped with minimal injuries. However, later on, she saw a reel of a news crew addressing the same accident, describing the horrific death of the driver and injuries to several others involved. She started crying and saying ‘How could you lie about that?’ over and over.
She says that I am disrespecting the people involved in the video, and disrespecting her for ‘treating her like a child’. She is someone who values honesty quite strongly (we are both autistic).
I got annoyed, telling her I did it to protect her, and that it was necessary.
After she got quite upset with me, I told her that I couldn’t keep comforting her every time she saw a scary video and that I had to do this for my sanity. After that she accused me of having no empathy, and that she couldn’t trust me anymore.
She left my apartment, and we haven’t spoken since.
I don’t think I did anything wrong here, but I’m open to outside views.”
Another User Comments:
“I‘d say NTJ. She needs to stop watching the gore videos. If this upsets her, she needs to recognize the videos and scroll off them.
She’s an adult, she should be perfectly able to do that. I don’t think it’s disrespectful to the victims, because, (and I’m gonna sound morbid here) what are they gonna care?
You’re not disrespecting anybody, it’s not like you’re spreading lies online about them, you are telling one person that the people in the videos lived.
As for lying and ‘treating her like a child’, eh, you didn’t have bad intentions and you two need to talk it out when you’ve both calmed down a bit.” cloudsnstuff_
Another User Comments:
“Umm, she is acting like a child. Don’t watch videos of horrible accidents and then get all shocked Pikachu-faced that people got her or died. I am very empathetic and easily get upset seeing things like that as well.
I watch YouTube videos but stick to VERY specific things and I don’t click on suggestions like ‘horrible car accident’ or ‘watch this animal’ get mauled.
While lying isn’t great in your place I would say that you were trying to protect her feelings with what you thought was a white lie because she was so upset but that if she continues to watch things she KNOWS will freak her out then she is not only responsible for making that choice but managing her reaction.
NTJ.” KimB-books cats-11
11. WIBTJ If I Don't Give My Brother More Money?
“My dad passed away many years ago and left a trust for us and my brother and I each ended up with half of it. There was some drama with my dad and my older brother towards the end and my dad wanted to remove my brother from the trust. I convinced him not to because it would ruin the relationship between my brother and me.
I’ve always had a much closer relationship with our parents than my brother. My brother and I are friendly but not super close either. We see each other maybe 1-2 times a year for lunch to catch up.
My mom passed away a couple of years ago.
I quit work and took care of her for the last 13 years or so of her life. She was a paraplegic due to a car accident so it was almost like a full-time job. I took her to all of her doctor appointments and handled pretty much everything in her life.
My brother saw her maybe 1-2 times a year and did not help with anything and focused on his career/family which my mom complained about all the time.
Towards the end, she wanted to leave me her 2 houses because she thought I needed the help more than my brother.
My brother did not think this was fair to him so he went to see her and asked for half of one house and ‘some’ of the other. Me being me I didn’t try and argue over it, I felt like I had enough to live on and I didn’t want to be greedy.
House #1 was in both my and my brother’s names even though my mom lived in it and she paid for it. When she passed we each got half and then I bought my brother’s half and moved in with my wife because I liked the place.
He took the money and bought a multi-million dollar house and hired some fancy architect.
Recently we sold house #2 which is solely in my name. My brother’s idea of ‘some’ and my idea of ‘some’ has a big gap. He initially tried to ask for almost half to which I said there’s no way I can do that.
The amount I’m thinking about giving him is about 11% of the sale which he says is not enough. He says he needs the money to invest with and to save for his kids’ future.
I guess I’m struggling with feeling guilty about keeping all of the house sale but at the same time, he already has so much more than me.
I hate talking about stuff like this and I hate the fact that he even had to ask me and my mom for more money. He and his wife are both high earners and easily clear $500K+ in a year together, and their net worth is probably 2-3x mine.
He says that’s not enough to raise 2 kids and save but I feel like there’s no way that’s true and he needs a reality check or learn how to manage his finances better. My wife says I have nothing to feel guilty about because it was my mom’s wish to leave me the house and that it’s ridiculous my brother is asking for more.
So AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother isn’t going to use that money for his kids. He’s going to use it to buy a new car or a boat, or maybe the down payment on a vacation home. You would be a fool to give him anything else.
I know what it’s like to do end-of-life care. You did it for 13 years. If your mom had paid someone for her care, it likely would have cost her both houses.
You, unlike your brother, chose not to abandon your mom. You saved her roughly $6,000 a month for in-home healthcare.
That’s over $70,000 a year, or roughly $1,000,000 over 13 years. How much were those two houses worth? You already gave him half of one house for probably less than 20 visits over 13 years. How much more do you think you should give up?
Imagine all the money you could have saved if you had chosen to be like him and abandoned your mom.
You’d probably have a lot more money. Do not let this bully get to you. Keep it all and know that he owes you so much more.” inFinEgan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, do not give your brother a penny. Your mum left the house to you and only you.
You quit your job for over a decade to care for your mum, and that house is your reward for that, to cover your lost earnings (and future earnings for having 13 years less experience in your field). You deserve every penny. He already got more than he deserves and more than your mum wanted to give him.
He’s completely delusional if he thinks 500k a year isn’t enough to raise kids on. Ask him how the people on 50k manage. How much is this house worth?
If his income is so high, is the money from the sale more than a drop in the ocean to him?
You need the money, you deserve the money and it’s all yours. Your brother is just greedy and selfish.” Ready-Cucumber-8922
10. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Stop Acting Out Because She's Not In The Will?
“I (35 F) have 5 siblings. Last year Dad passed away from cancer. My dad and my stepsister (35 F) have always had a difficult relationship. While I always saw my stepmom as my mom, April never saw my dad as her dad even though our parents married when we were both 3.
She always resented Dad, blaming him for her mom divorcing her dad even though Mom and my dad hadn’t met until after the divorce. She was spiteful and cruel to him her whole life. When he got sick, she did a 180 and was over at the house all the time to ‘help out’.
I’d moved back when he got sick.
Our brothers (33 M, 37 M, 38 M) were pretty absent while Dad was in treatment. Two lived out of state and one couldn’t have cared any less that our dad was dying. Our half-sister (20 F), let’s call her London, and April never got along.
Since London was born so late, she got a lot of opportunities the rest of us didn’t have growing up. April resented her for this. When Dad passed, April told London that she was a disappointment and that Dad would have resented her. April said a lot of cruel things to London that day.
Now onto what happened a month ago. Dad’s life insurance was 350. Since he passed, Mom has generously loaned April 80k to help with her debt from bills, mortgage, and student loans. April told me she had no intention of paying Mom back since she would be inheriting it anyway when Mom passed.
The inheritance is 2 houses and about 2.6 million. Up until now, we all assumed it would be split equally amongst us. But it turns out, London is the sole inheritor, to distribute (or not) as she sees fit. Personally, this doesn’t bother me at all. The money belongs to our parents, and they can do whatever they want with it.
But when April found out, she was livid. She’s been screaming at both Mom and London, blowing up their phones, etc. since she found out.
When she asked me why I wasn’t more upset, I told her that London was the only one of us who could split the inheritance fairly (and by fair, I do NOT mean even).
I’m a pushover and would split it evenly to all siblings despite the fact mom has explicitly stated that 2 of my siblings are to receive nothing (deservedly, they are horrible people). She trusts London to do what’s best, even if that’s to keep the entire inheritance.
April kept pushing and got our brothers involved, telling me that since I lived with Mom, I could talk sense into her, and they wanted me to find out what law firm helped her with the will so that they could contact them or something.
I told April that she was entitled to and deserved nothing. That none of us did. It is their money and she is a horrible person for not only thinking she deserves to have the money, but that she was ALREADY making plans for it.
On top of everything, she is still asking mom for more money because she thinks that since dad was ‘technically’ her parent, mom should split the life savings to those of her children who need it more. Since then they have been blowing up my phone.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your dad for leaving you to work this out; you and your siblings for allowing your stepsister to support him and then treating her like trash; your half-sister for uncritically accepting being the golden child; your stepsister for feeling entitled to what should be given to her freely.
Dad invested more time in making money than raising upstanding children.” crawling-alreadygirl
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, except London, because she is young and has unfairly been put between a rock and a hard place. April is incredibly entitled and should have known that your dad was unlikely to leave her anything, given their history.
BUT: your dad (and mum!) are very unfair to London by putting responsibility on her that is a) beyond her age and likely maturity, b) will have consequences for her (by damaging her possible relationships with most of her siblings) and c) was never her responsibility in the first place.
You are not improving the situation by further antagonizing April (or your brothers). You should try to mediate the situation and get your mum to resume responsibility. If she wants to leave some of the siblings nothing, that is certainly her prerogative, but it’s frankly just meant to make London the bad guy in this situation.” MrsPomMummy
9. AITJ For Being Angry At My Mom For Wasting My Food?
“My baby sister just had a baby and our mom came to help.
My sister and her husband live in a tiny apartment with no room for my mom. I agreed to let her stay with me since I live only eight blocks away. It’s walkable. I planned to Uber her over in the morning and pick her up after work.
I only eat one meal a day during the week. Supper. I have coffee for breakfast and some fruit for lunch. On Saturday I treat myself to a good breakfast and on Sundays, I take the woman I’m seeing for brunch.
My mother decided that this was unacceptable.
She got up early and went through my fridge and freezer to make me breakfast.
I told her that I appreciated it but that I do not usually eat breakfast. She said that was stupid. I very clearly communicated to her that she was welcome to eat anything in my home but to please not make me breakfast as it was a waste.
She made breakfast the following day. I walked out without eating it. I figured worst case scenario I could eat it for supper.
She threw it out since I didn’t eat it. I told her once more to please not waste my food.
She made breakfast for me the next day.
I asked her if she was developing dementia. She is wasting my food for no good reason. I’m not poor or anything but wasting food is a pet peeve of mine. She said I was being ungrateful for her help and she was doing it to be nice since I was letting her stay with me.
I explained to her again that I did not need, want, require, or desire breakfast during the week. She said she understood.
She made me breakfast the next day. I had had enough. I took her luggage with me when I dropped her off at my sister’s home.
I told my doorman that my guest was no longer welcome.
I got so many messages from her and my sister all day long. Even my dad called me to ask me to change my mind. I said no.
He had to drive up and rent an Airbnb close to my sister because my mom was too scared to stay by herself.
He’s retired so he didn’t miss work or anything.
My sister came over alone to talk to me. She said I was being a complete jerk and that I could afford the food my mom was wasting. I said I could but that I didn’t want to.
She used up two months’ worth of my food. She made up huge breakfasts that I didn’t even eat. I keep all my bacon in individual servings. She thawed out three for every breakfast. One for her and two for me. And I ate zero.
My father has asked me to let her back in. I said I would under the condition that she understand that my food is completely off limits to her. She can pay for her food. I said I would make room in the fridge and freezer for her.
She said I was being ridiculous and petty.
So my dad is staying neutral but my mom and sister think I’m a jerk. My partner thinks the whole thing is hilarious and refuses to get involved.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re a grown adult, you’re allowed to set boundaries between yourself and your parents, and you’re allowed to have as much distance between them as you want when they’ve been violating those boundaries.
Your mother wasn’t respecting the way you live, so now she’s no longer a part of that. Simple.
Whilst I do think breakfast’s an important meal, I’d be a hypocrite to agree with her as I skip it too. I do intermittent fasting, so I also only have one meal a day (late afternoon/early evening).
As long as you’re having a nicely portioned, nutritionally balanced meal, it’s not stupid like she suggests. It’s backed up by nutritionists and dieticians. Not to mention the food waste – if she isn’t paying for something, it’s rude of her to throw it away.
She can sort out her living situation herself since she clearly doesn’t care to show some respect to you when you’ve kindly let her stay with you and already tried to explain your issues, which she refused to listen to.” Odd_Visual_3951
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, why didn’t she bring the uneaten breakfast with her to your sister and her husband to eat? Tired new parents could always use pre-made meals. Why just toss it? Are you intermittent fasting? Have you lost weight this way and your mother struggles with her weight, and she was trying to sabotage you, or get you to backslide?
You sound very organized with your food, I am hoping not too organized into a disordered eating territory. As long as that is not the case, I admire your willpower, it takes a tremendous amount of strength to deny bacon. Good for you.
If your mom does come back, and she insists on cooking large quantities of food, have her purchase her food, either freeze it for meal prep or bring it to your sister’s.
At any rate, I hope things calm down so everyone can enjoy the baby, they are a blessing.” DorothysRevenge
8. AITJ For Telling My Mom's Husband He Has An Awful Taste In Names?
“My mom and her husband are expecting a baby together. I (17 F) was my mom’s only child until she got pregnant. Her husband has no kids.
So some context on this: My name is a bit of a sore issue with my mom. When she and my dad were expecting me she wanted to name me Evelyn Beatrice.
My dad didn’t like either name but said one could be a middle name if they found a name together that they liked. My mom wasn’t happy about this and after my dad refused to give in to Evelyn Beatrice being my full name, she asked for a coin toss and if she won she could call me Evelyn Beatrice, and if my dad won, he could name me.
My dad won the coin toss. He offered Mom the chance to work together and she only wanted Evelyn Beatrice.
So my dad named me. My first name is Wren and my first middle name is a traditional boy’s name. He also gave me Beatrice as a second middle name because he did want Mom to have some say.
So I have three names. But I go by Wren. And typically if I’m asked to write my middle name for something I only use one middle name and it’s usually the one my dad gave me because I like it way more than Beatrice.
But my mom has always regretted this and she has told me that. It also stung for her that he included Beatrice but wouldn’t let her name me Evelyn Beatrice. When my dad died she seemed to get frustrated about it even though it was 9 years after the fact.
But I digress a bit. My name is a sore spot for my mom and she still wishes she had named me Evelyn Beatrice. Her husband of 14 months and I do not get along that well and I find him to be a condescending jerk.
He has mocked my first name several times and asked me if I’m supposed to be a bird. He also told me my dad was a ‘dummy’ for naming me two names that are so unusable for me, a girl.
My name comes up way too much while they try to name their kid.
They didn’t find out the gender so they discussed both names but whenever girls’ names are mentioned my mom’s husband gets loud so I can hear names he likes and thinks are better for girls. He likes old-fashioned names and has brought up a few times that I would have been better off as an Evelyn when he’s speaking his favorites loudly.
Those favorites include Susan, Helen, Dorothy, Lucinda, Agnes, and stuff.
So a couple of days ago when I was doing homework and he was doing his loud talk about names I snapped and I told him I was so glad he didn’t name me given his awful taste in names.
He got so mad at me and my mom was also mad at me for dissing the traditional names they like. Even though he was the only one who seemed to seriously consider them.
They told me I shouldn’t be so disrespectful. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Respect is a 2-way street. Please consider letting your mom know that you have felt disrespected for quite some time for a couple of reasons.
First, your name is lovely, it is a part of your identity, and YOU like it. It is not respectful to be openly critical of someone’s name.
If you were engaging in that behavior (ie. being critical of 2nd husband’s name or mom’s name) I’m sure they wouldn’t like it.
Second, your name is a link to your father and their ongoing and loud discussions of girls’ names are, at best, passive-aggressive, and again, that is disrespectful.
I, for what it’s worth, think Wren is a beautiful name.” Pleasant_Test_6088
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ here, yes you talked back to your stepfather which isn’t great, but he has been the one disrespecting you for what sounds like a long while. I would try to talk to your mum and explain how his constant belittling/disrespect for your name is not ok.
Because it is not ok. Try to get her to understand that him constantly bringing this up is bullying and makes you feel bad, which is why you snapped.
Your name is important to you, it has a link to your father, and it’s YOURS.
Your stepfather doesn’t get to mock it. Also, a separate point, is your mother just in the habit of choosing men who use her as a doormat? From your father steamrolling over her name choices and her giving in so that he ended up with two of HIS choices and she got one of hers in there as an afterthought, and now her new husband is doing the same to the point where he’s raising his voice and she’s going to give in.” Own-Kangaroo6931
7. AITJ For Arguing That Boys' Nights Out Are Important?
“Mate of mine’s partner questioned why a boys’ night out needs to be a thing.
I and her partner stressed that as men it’s important to be with our lad mates away from women as it’s good for our health and it’s a normal part of a healthy relationship.
She argued that it’s selfish, because, as a large group all the lads and women hang out together, so why would the lads exclude half the group just because they’re women, it’s sexist and selfish.
I argued that fundamentally the two genders are different from one another and that’s fine, it’s not exact in all cases but if lads want a night out that’s okay because men are different from women, and if women want the same they too should have it.
She argued that gender shouldn’t matter and that to exclude them from a night out, especially if they had nothing to do and wanted to go to the night out, Is selfish. She also argued that the previous girls’ nights out that happened within the group were an open invitation to the lads, however, none of us asked.
Finally, she said that if a night out were to happen then it would be because I (the only single lad in the group) would want it to take the lads away from their partners. I argued that her behavior of not allowing her partner to go out and hang with just lad mates is selfish because her feeling excluded was something she had to deal with personally as an aspect of her personality that doesn’t allow her partner to go and do things that exclude her.
She got upset and argued that many of the girls in the group would agree with her and that I was a jerk, I was then kicked out of the party.
I am genuinely curious about this, is it my fault to believe that a lads’ night out is selfish?
Should we exclude women based solely on their gender? Or is it more nuanced than that? Fundamentally is a lads’ night out sexist and exclusionary? If so, then should we open it up? Is it okay for the two genders to separate themselves in that sense?
I believe it’s completely fine for women to have a women’s night out without the expectation that if a man is bored and lonely to ask. In my opinion, the man should let them have that night out and learn to enjoy being by himself and learn not to see it as exclusionary, but as an opportunity for the women to express themselves in a way that only other women can understand.
I believe this should also be applied to men, but then again I could be wrong, she was upset about it, so, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not all public outings have to include everyone. I think you’re right in that she’s the more selfish/self-centered one here because she wants to be included in all events with her partner.
‘Controlling’ is a more accurate term, too. It’s his choice, not hers.
Add to that, socializing away from your partner (and having alone time) is a healthy thing, and having to be with your partner all of the time veers into codependency or mistrust of your partner.
I can see it going bad if it becomes too divided and consistent, because then you’re losing communication and coherency with the larger group, but a night out now and then? No biggie.” BetweenWeebandOtaku
Another User Comments:
“It doesn’t even have to be about gender, although some people are more comfortable doing it that way – but it’s important for a healthy relationship and for a person’s wellbeing to have social interaction outside of a romantic relationship.
Some people prefer to have these as boys’ nights and girls’ nights, some people are happy for it to be mixed gender. But the important point is time for hanging out and social interaction away from your partner so that you can either talk about your partner without fear of judgment from that partner or sometimes even just not think about them for a bit.
And don’t get me wrong – if they’re talking about their partner it’s not necessarily negative, sometimes they need a chance to gush about how great they are without the partner listening too! but the time away is the most important bit.
Anyway, this is a whole long rant where I’m cogitating about my own failed relationships and a long-winded way of saying NTJ.” MrBunnyBrightside
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Help My Husband Buy The Property He Really Wants?
“My husband (27 M) and I (29 F) have been looking into buying a duplex for our first home. We want to live on one side and rent out the other to reduce the cost of our mortgage payments.
It has been a very long, difficult process considering the competitive market and very high home prices, so I was thrilled when my husband said he found one that was ‘perfect’ and had just been listed on the market.
When I got home from work, we looked at the pictures together.
It checked all the boxes on our list, except for one thing.
After continuing to read the description, I noticed the ad said that there were long-term tenants already occupying both sides of the house and that they wanted to stay.
When I pointed this out, my husband said he knew, but after we bought the house, we would just kick them out so we could move in.
I told him I didn’t feel comfortable doing something like that to someone. He responded that as a landlord, we need to get used to doing something like this and that if we don’t buy the property, the next person will and will likely do the same thing.
I told him I thought he was getting too greedy and that it just wasn’t right.
I understand being a landlord would require us to sometimes make these decisions if our tenants weren’t paying rent, or damaging the property, among other issues, but I don’t feel comfortable kicking these people to the curb so that we can have a place to live.
He kept repeating himself, trying to convince me that this was a common and acceptable thing to do, but I kept telling him I wasn’t willing to view the house if it meant doing this. This made him angry and he wouldn’t speak with me the rest of the evening and we ended up sleeping in separate rooms.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ/No jerks here. It’s commendable that you have concern for the tenants and that is a good starting position to go into as landlords. But, you are indeed intending to go into this as landlords and your husband is, I think, more realistic about what that could entail than you are.
Where I vote YTJ is that you started using some charged language at your husband – calling him ‘greedy’ – which is both a) an insulting accusation towards someone you love and b) presuming you have a moral high ground where I see a legitimate difference of opinion that does not make your husband deserve to be turned into your version of a cartoon villain landlord.
Wanting to live in the house that you own is not a ‘greedy’ proposition, it’s what people who buy houses usually want to do, and it is for me the only valid reason to remove good tenants. (Versus, kicking out tenants to raise the rent or other shady business).
It’s ok if you’re not comfortable with this house for the reasons you stated, it’s not ok to attack him about seeing it differently. In the end, your stance may cost you your ability to find a home, and he would be justified in being upset with you over that.” antizana
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you buy the house and continue to honor the leases. When the side you want to live in, those tenants’ lease is up, they vacate and you move in. And you let them know of your intentions to do that as soon as you buy the property.
In the meantime, surely the rent from both sides of the duplex should cover the mortgage payment. You may even make money on the deal by doing it this way. I’ve had to vacate property before when a lease was up (office), but that’s just how it is in real estate, and that’s one of the disadvantages of being a renter rather than an owner.
They know that.” CalendarDad
5. AITJ For Choosing To Share A Room With My Sister?
“My sister (14 F), stepbrother (15 M), stepsister (14 F), and I (16 M) went on a camping trip with my mom’s best friend and her husband last weekend. My mom and her husband were going to a wedding and my mom’s best friend offered to take us for that weekend to her and her husband’s cabin.
My sister and I were there before and normally we have our rooms because it used to be just us, but we knew everyone would have to share this time.
My sister and I decided we wanted to share rather than her with our stepsister and me with our stepbrother.
Mom’s best friend was fine with that and her husband didn’t care once we weren’t fighting or anything.
My mom and her husband weren’t happy about the choice and less happy when they learned we spent the weekend mostly with our bio sibling and not mixing at all.
My mom said it would have been a great chance for us to get some quality time in because we already don’t mix. And that we know she and her husband would have insisted on us splitting up via gender vs blood relationship. My sister told her she’d always choose to share with me over our stepsister because I’m her sibling even if I’m a boy and we’re friends even if we’re not like the best of friends or the same gender.
My mom scolded me extra hard saying I was the oldest and should have done the ‘right thing’. She said three years in (mom has been married for 3 years) we still don’t want to be closer and that it’s not fair to her and her husband who want a cohesive family unit.
She told me people would judge pretty strongly if a teenage boy/girl sibling pair would rather share a sleeping space than with kids of the same gender who we’re part of the same family with now.
She also added that I knew they wouldn’t have allowed it and took advantage of her and her husband not being there.
She also went on to tell me that if Dad was alive he would be encouraging me to give this new family a real shot and enjoy spending time with a brother I didn’t have before.
I think she expected an apology from me and when I didn’t give it, and some assurances that I wouldn’t make that decision again, she looked very disappointed.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom and stepdad are trying to force something that’s not there. While I understand their desire for you all to be closer, it is unfair of them to dictate your sleeping arrangement. Sleeping is such a private thing. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing that time with your stepbrother and have an alternative option, it’s perfectly fine not to.
Also, you can spend quality time outside the bedroom, so that’s an extra weird thing for your mom and stepdad to be focused on.
Lastly, your mom seems upset that Stepdad didn’t get his way. And she also seemed to be concerned about what other hypothetical people would think about the situation.
But what is her opinion?” rucafromtheeastside
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if we were talking about friends and not blood relatives – I’d room with whoever I’m closest to. Your mom and stepdad want a picture-perfect family, but each family is different. You can’t force people to be close.
I’d suggest to her to come up with bonding experiences like him taking the boys somewhere and her taking the girls – and vice versa. Not to force anything. Even a quick brunch would be nice. They need to be the glue for you.
Spurring on a conversation. And it would be good for each of you to show interest in the others. Especially if there’s no big bad blood or anything of the sort. But you don’t have to force yourself. And you shouldn’t. And your mom shouldn’t put it on you to facilitate a relationship.
You’re the oldest, but still a kid.” beep_beep_crunch
4. AITJ For Saying My Mom Only Cares About Others' Validation And Not Her Children's Well-Being?
“I’ve (23 F) been living with my mom after completing a temporary program and graduating. Job hunting has been tough due to a low market and experiencing discrimination. Despite this, I remain optimistic about finding a high-paying job in my field to move out of my mom’s house.
Recently, my mom became a homeowner, but she’s not doing well at it. She neglects upkeep and maintenance, and as a landlord, she’s just as bad. For instance, she removed the washer due to high bills despite 8 people living in the house. She refuses to install the new one, citing cost concerns.
Now, she wants me to open my room’s bathroom for everyone to use until the main one is fixed. I’m uncomfortable with this arrangement, especially with men in the house. When I voiced my concerns, she disregarded my feelings and threatened me, which isn’t new.
In the past, she had forced me to relocate my room without my consent, threatening to blame me if we lost the house. This behavior isn’t extended to my sisters. She’s also obsessed with rent and money, despite promising otherwise when I moved in after a layoff.
What baffles me is why she bought the house in the first place. She previously lived in an apartment for over 10 years and didn’t want to move until I got a better job. Now, she expects me and my siblings to contribute financially, even though we grew up poor, often malnourished, and unable to afford necessities.
Even though she had money and resources to fix those issues but decided not to. She gave the money away to other family members who only used her.
Despite our objections, she went ahead and purchased the house, disregarding our concerns. She seems more concerned about others’ opinions than her own children’s well-being.
I reached a breaking point and called her out, saying, ‘This cheap woman is not my mother; she only cares about others’ validation, not her children.’ My sisters agree, but some family members think I’m in the wrong and should love her unconditionally.
I’m at a loss.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Spending your energy fighting with someone who is using you, solves nothing. Sometimes we just have to recognize someone is toxic and do our best to avoid them. Focus on yourself, get a job – even if it’s not a high-paying one, try to find a job with enough income to support yourself, at least, while you look for something better.
Maybe one or more of your siblings can rent an apartment together with you? Move out when you can, and never look back. Best of luck to you.” savinathewhite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother is setting you up to be mistreated by one or more of her renters.
She is not respectful of your right to privacy or safety in your own home. Do whatever you have to do to remove yourself from this situation; it screams creepiness, with male lodgers using your bathroom, leaving you with no privacy. How many people does she think can use just one bathroom?
I’d feel very uncomfortable with that situation and I think anyone would.
Loving your mother is not the issue. It’s possible to still love her but deplore the way she is living and is trying to get you to live. The other family members don’t live with her, they probably have no idea what it must be like.
Seriously, get yourself gone from there; it’s a safety issue as well as just a low-comfort thing.” TabbieAbbie
3. AITJ For Not Being Excited About My Half-Sister's Wedding?
“My half-sister Amy (27 f) is getting married in a couple of months. She’s had a lot of pre-wedding build-up things going on. They had an engagement party, an engagement dinner, an extended family meeting dinner, a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, and a pre-wedding dinner which is yet to happen but is happening next month.
My other half-sister Lily (25 f) has been super involved in all of this as Amy’s maid of honor. My mom has been SO excited about the wedding and my dad is excited for my mom.
I’m not excited and the whole pre-wedding stuff has been awful for me.
I’m not wanted at the wedding and I don’t have a good relationship with Amy, or with Lily, but I was invited and this means a lot to my mom. I’m only going through the motions and dealing for that reason. But I’m not going out of my way to dress up all nice or get hair and makeup done professionally for everything.
My hair appointment is booked for the actual wedding and I have a pretty simple style picked out. My mom asked why I wasn’t getting my hair done like I did for my aunt’s wedding last year or why I was choosing a more basic style.
I told her I was not in the wedding and she said I would still be in the family photos. I asked her if she was sure about that and she said yes. I told her I didn’t need anything super fancy as a regular wedding guest. My mom brought up how unenthusiastic I am about the wedding overall and how I’m the least excited person in the room for all the events.
My dad said I could at least bask in the excitement like everyone else.
My mom isn’t happy that I’m wearing the dress I wore for my aunt’s wedding either. She wants me in something new, that matches with the family style Amy picked. But Amy only specified mom, our shared grandparents, our two shared aunts, and one shared uncle for the family theme.
My dad and I weren’t included. But I know all her fiancé’s family got his family style. They even made a big deal out of those dressing in the family style/color. Amy went with all the women included, even on her fiancé’s side and he went with the dudes.
None of this included me or my dad.
For those wondering about the background: Amy and Lily’s dad died and then my parents got married. I’m not sure how old Amy and Lily were when they lost their dad but they were always clear Dad was not their parent and I was not their sibling.
And even at the family dinner thingy, people asked who I was and I was ‘Amy’s mom’s daughter’. Amy’s fiancé said Lily is her only sibling, etc. It was also made pretty clear all the siblings on his side are included as bridesmaids and groomsmen.
I wish I had a way to get out of this without upsetting my parents. My dad deals with being nobody for my mom and I think he’s not just used to it but like it’s okay, I’ll deal. But it’s harder for me so I’m not going all out for Amy’s wedding.
But I can see it bothers my parents and more my mom. It’s becoming so clear I don’t care and it’s causing some conflict.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The bit that matters is the wedding itself, turning up and supporting them – and no, that doesn’t mean you also have to engage in tomfoolery of all sorts.
Be smart, be nice, job done – no need for new outfits and all that jazz. It seems clear you are an afterthought or a guest who is invited just to keep the family peace, so no need for you to lose sleep over getting ready.
All that pre-wedding victory lap stuff sounds exhausting as it is, much less going on it. And if you end up not attending on the day itself because you’re done with their also-ran behavior? You still would not be a jerk for that.” Fearless_Spring5611
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re observing the boundaries that Amy and Lily set from the beginning – you’re not their sister. They’re not your sisters. You are acquaintances who happen to share a mother. I can understand – to a degree – why your mom is having trouble with this because to her, she has three daughters and in her eyes, they’re all sisters.
But I think it’s time for you to have a conversation with your mom about what the reality of your experience has been with Amy and Lily, and that while you’re happy she’s excited, you feel no attachment to the proceedings as it’s been made VERY clear to you by the bride and her sister that you aren’t family.
So you’ll come to the wedding, dressed appropriately for a wedding and doing the appropriate things, but that’s the extent of your involvement in the situation.
At some other, less emotionally charged, point – you probably want to sit your parents down and have a larger conversation about this, because this IS going to come up again – at Lily’s wedding if she’s not yet married, at your wedding if you choose to get married, when and if any of the three of you start having children.
Your mom needs to understand – really and truly understand – the dynamic here and that you’re not a happy trio of sisters and do what she needs to do to make her peace with that.” hannahsflora
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Visit My Mom Again?
“My mom and I don’t have the best relationship. I was raised by my dad as my mom has substance and drinking problems and nearly bankrupted him. He took full custody of me when I was 8 and I only have seen my mom occasionally.
She always asks for money from me and is living off disability for the most part now. I used to go to visit every few years.
I had a hard time as to whether or not to have her at the wedding. But my dad says no matter what she is my mom and thinks I should at least extend her an invite.
I did and she said she wants to come but doesn’t drive. She lives in another state that does not have an airport nearby or any public transportation so for her to come here. It was a challenge. I had to be home prepping for the wedding.
One of my closest friends who was a bridesmaid lives about 3 hours away from my mom in another city and I asked her if she could drive with her to the airport and help her get on the plane. This was a huge favor and I made my friend promise she wouldn’t bring a gift as well I feel so bad for asking her to do this.
It was a 6-hour round trip so she had to take a day off work.
She gets there 2 days before the wedding and my mom is demanding things from her. She wants to stop for a coffee and then she wants her to buy her some booze.
My friend knows about her addiction problems and called me to ask what to do. I asked to speak with my mom and told her she agreed to be a part of the wedding which means she will do it sober. She threw my friend’s phone on the ground and my friend was so mad because she cracked her screen.
I was livid and told my friend to drop her back at her home. I’m so mad she did that and I bought my friend a new phone. I was so stressed because of this and thankfully it didn’t affect our friendship but I just see my mom as irredeemable now.
She has begged me to come visit her and although it’s been 5 years since the wedding I still haven’t done so. She called my grandma who I have a good relationship with and cried to her I had abandoned her and my grandma was trying to get me to visit her.
I’m still so angry with her but my husband thinks enough time has passed I should forgive and be willing to see her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this wasn’t one low moment, but a lifetime of her letting you down and ruining important moments.
Yes, she’s your mom, but her ability to procreate doesn’t give her unlimited access to cause you pain. It’s unfortunate, but you have to look out for yourself now and that means not letting toxic people in your life.
I’m sure she’s sad now, but how weird that she’s not reaching out to you to apologize or make amends to you, but to those willing to do her dirty work.
I’d start by making it clear that you’ll have to distance yourself from them if they can’t respect your wishes. (Not from your husband… he doesn’t understand because he doesn’t know your mom.)” SunshineShoulders87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. All the bridges have been burnt.
There is no way back. I am concerned that your husband does not understand. His position is much less understandable than your grandma who is old and too trusting (or hopeful) of her daughter. I’m not as big on counseling as many but this is the time for you.
You need support to hold the line against pressure from your grandma and husband. Whether it’s a group like Al-Anon or an individual counselor, whatever will suit you.
Also if you can get your husband to go with you at some point, maybe he can become more understanding and thus supportive.
I’m sick of reading about these spouses who think their partner goes no contact for anything but the most extreme reasons of a multiplicity of mistreatment over a lifetime.” Holiday_Trainer_2657
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Mom's Husband To My Wedding?
“My mom (63 F) got married about 4 years ago to her husband ‘John’ (63 M).
Their relationship moved quickly. My mom called me one day and asked me to help her pick out a dress and when I (31 F) asked why, she told me about her engagement.
The pair went out for about two months prior.
I was hurt that my mom didn’t tell me about John before then. When I expressed that, she told me that John had been wanting to meet me and ask for my blessing. I asked why he didn’t attempt either of those things and it turned into a lot of excuses.
I met John at the wedding. I have made an effort to be as accepting of their relationship and be kind to John.
My grandpa died 6 months later and when I went down for the funeral, I tried juggling an anxious dog, planning a funeral, and helping my mom with odds and ends.
John criticized everything I did.
My dog was sick and John blamed it on my inability to care for something other than myself. He ended up locking her in a room and didn’t tell me while I was looking for her for about 15 minutes.
He also ‘accidentally’ dropped chocolate into my dog’s bowl a few times. He made racist comments if he saw I was watching a movie that had white people in it (I’m Black). He made homophobic comments about folks on TV. He called me stupid for not knowing how to use their pressure cooker.
He went on a rant about how I was disrespecting him by not calling him ‘dad,’ even though I’ve had a relationship with my bio dad my entire life. John even yelled at me at the funeral.
There are many other things John did that made me uncomfortable that I won’t get into.
I told my mom that these things were happening and she said she would talk to him. Nothing changed, so I left as soon as the funeral ended.
When I got engaged a few months ago, John saw me a few days later at my home and hardly acknowledged me.
I wasn’t expecting a congratulations from him. When it came down to telling my mom that I wouldn’t like John present for our wedding, she explained he was happy for me and wanted to be there. I told her that if that was true, he would’ve sent a text, called, or even acknowledged me when he came over.
My fiancé, Dave (29 M), has seen all of John’s behavior and makes an effort to try to be kind, but John refuses to acknowledge him. Dave thinks that John may have social anxiety and my therapist agreed that it’s possible, but they both agree with me when I say it doesn’t excuse his racism, homophobia, or treatment of my dog.
Today, I spoke to my mom again about how John isn’t invited to our wedding because he makes us uncomfortable. Dave was adopted by a white family, who will be at the wedding. Most of our wedding party is a part of the LGBTQ+ community.
I don’t want any of our guests to feel uncomfortable. My mom now refuses to come to the wedding because of my ‘unfair biases’ against John. For what it’s worth, my mom isn’t helping pay for any of the weddings.
AITJ for not inviting John?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding is your special day, and you have every right to choose who you want to share it with. It’s okay to want to protect yourself and your guests from his negativity.
Your wedding should be a joyous celebration of your love for Dave, not a stressful event filled with tension and discomfort.
You have your reasons for not wanting John there. Stand firm in your decision and don’t feel bad about prioritizing your happiness and well-being. Surround yourself with people who love and support you, and focus on creating beautiful memories with Dave on your big day.
Don’t let anyone pressure you into including someone who doesn’t respect you or the people you care about.” NatalieZenith
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every right to surround yourself with people who love and respect you on your special day. John’s behavior toward everyone is unacceptable.
He doesn’t deserve a place at your wedding. It’s not ‘unfair bias’ to set boundaries and prioritize your well-being.
Your mom’s refusal to attend your wedding is her own choice, but don’t let her guilt you into inviting John. Your wedding day should be a celebration of your love and commitment to Dave, not a source of stress or discomfort.
Don’t feel bad about standing up for yourself and the people you care about. Your mom may not understand or agree with your decision, but that doesn’t make it wrong.
Don’t let her pressure you into including someone who doesn’t respect you or your loved ones.
Your wedding day is about you and Dave, and you deserve to enjoy it to the fullest without worrying about anyone’s behavior.” OliviaSparrkle
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