People Hope They Made The Right Choices In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories

"My in-laws are very difficult and have just gotten worse with age (and chronic conditions). My FIL is aggressive, self-absorbed, and very controlling. They come to me every time they can't get ahold of my husband, or want medical advice (as it's easier to use me as their personal nurse than to talk to their care providers).

It's gotten to the point where I do not want to be around them or talk to them. I have told my husband that I am setting this boundary for myself. We of course got into a fight about his, he feels I'm being too harsh and leaving him alone to deal with his parents. But I feel I have gone above and beyond for them, and he (my husband) has just gotten used to me always stepping in and finding solutions for them.

Basically, am I a jerk for telling my husband his parents are his problem?"

Another User Comments:

"NTJ. Your husband said that you were “…leaving him alone to deal with his parents...” You mean the same way he left you alone to deal with his parents? He doesn’t want your help or support. He wants to put the responsibility of his parents on your shoulders.

Which is why he doesn‘t respond to them. He knows they will call you and he knows you will deal with their drama. Would he do the same if it were your parents? I doubt it. Does your mom or dad blow up his phone expecting him to solve their problems? A lot of times there is this expectation that a wife is the gatekeeper for her husband’s relationship with his family. Which is nonsense. You told him what you are going to do. There is nothing to argue about. Block his parents and let him deal with them." Banana_Puddin11

Another User Comments:

"NTJ, they've had their whole lives to learn how to be decent people and apparently never did. They aren't going to now, and it's only going to get worse. My mom helped get my dad's mom a house, moved her stuff all the way from Florida to VA, took her to appointments, entertained her when she randomly showed up at the house, etc. She also helped with his mentally ill sister, again, hours and hours spent on grocery shopping trips, appointments, etc. You know how much thanks she got in return?

Little to none, actually just some nasty voicemails and notes from them. How much support did she receive when her mom got dementia and she was overwhelmed? Little to none besides from my sister and me. They're his responsibility, save your energy for when people who appreciate you need you, he will figure it out." Total-Mistake-1990

Another User Comments:

"NTJ - It sounds like you've reached a breaking point with your in-laws, and setting boundaries is totally reasonable. You shouldn't have to shoulder the burden of managing their needs and difficult behavior on your own. You need to communicate to your husband that you need him to take more responsibility in dealing with his parents.

You're not abandoning him, but rather, you're prioritizing your own mental and emotional well-being. It would be helpful for you both to have a calm conversation about finding a solution that works for both of you while still ensuring his parents receive the care they need." BellaBumblezzs