People Desire To Know "Am I The Jerk?" In These Scenarios
19. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner's Kids To Attend My Birthday Party?
“I (23) have been the “stepmom” to my partner’s (30) 2 kids for the last few years. He and his baby momma trade off the kids every week, so last year, we had the kids (they’re 4 and 6) for my birthday. No problem, we had a blast, kept it lowkey, and I was fine with that.
Well, this year rolled around and I knew it would be their weekend to be with their mom on my birthday. GREAT – I can plan something with no kids and throw a real party and really relax with drinks and friends and all that good stuff. I’m in my early twenties, and I doubt most people my age would feel otherwise.
So I decided to rent a really nice place with a pool and just invite all my friends and my partner’s family (parents, siblings). No kids, seeing as my partner’s kids aren’t coming either.
Well, now he tells me that he’s going to have the kids’ mom drop off the kids at the rental house on my actual birthday (day 1 of the weekend) and we’ll have them for the day/night.
I’m really blunt and I told him I was just thinking we could keep it with no kids because that was the original plan.
When we have his kids, I am 100% their mother figure and therefore they need me for EVERYTHING. I am never alone, my name is always being called, and I just want a weekend, MY weekend, where I can let loose and enjoy myself and not have to worry about babysitting.
I understand that some of my man’s family might come, but I don’t see how that’s excluding the kids if they were already supposed to be at their designated parent’s home for that weekend anyway.
Well now, understandably, my man is very upset, and I don’t know if it’s just the age difference and maybe he’s just far more mature than me, but in my mind I sure as heck will be planning occasional kid-free parties/vacations when I have children of my own.
Bottom line is, I just want to cancel the whole thing if it means I have to babysit the entire time and not be able to relax for the party/weekend that I’m literally paying for, for myself. I feel like I deserve it, plus the kids are always fighting/crying, and I just do not feel like dealing with that for one time.
Am I the jerk?!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
But girl this relationship screams red flag. This man is taking advantage of your inexperience. He’s definitely not more mature than you, in fact, I’d wager that women of his own age wouldn’t give him the time of day because of his immaturity.
First of all, why is it up to you to take care of the children? Aren’t they his? If they have an issue in your presence it should be him taking care of it not you.
I’m not saying you can’t have a relationship with them, but you’re NOT a parent. You have no parental rights. You better be sure that if you two ever disagree on a child-raising issue he will make a decision without your consent (as it should be, again you’re not a parent).
Even if you were a parent, which you’re not, parents are allowed to have off time. Yes, you can have events without children. Yes, you can go out or spend time without them. Especially in a co-parent situation.
This just screams ‘he’s taking advantage of you’ to me.” myheadisbumming
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You are too young to be playing mom to his kids.
This doesn’t sound like a relationship you should be in, and it’s lousy the kids are already looking to you as a mom. Your man sucks for putting a woman your age in that position. It’s not right, and it’s not fair to you. His ex sucks for thinking that dropping them off at your party on his weekend is ok.
Stop sabotaging your own life.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you two were married and both these children were fully your children – no other parent, no custody agreement – it would still be okay for you to want an adult-only party and/or weekend away.
Parents get time that is child-free. Sure, it can be a luxury that not every parent has access to, but for parents that have family/friends that are happy to babysit (aka, not expected to) or have the finances to pay for a sitter, then great! My parents used to take weekends away a few times a year – family was happy to have us; we were happy to do fun stuff.
You planned this party knowing that the children wouldn’t be around, therefore you aren’t pushing the kids on anyone nor are you upsetting any schedule. You laid out a plan that was child-free, and people accepted based on that, and you continued to plan around it.
Go back to your partner and be firm – no, this is a child-free party and you knew that, I planned it on a weekend when the kids wouldn’t be with you all, and he should have consulted you before changing any plans.
The children can’t be there, the end.
Then, you can have a chat with him about why he isn’t parenting his own children and they are relying on you 100% of the time. You should also consider what staying with this guy and having your own children means; he will not consult you on things, he will make you feel bad when he doesn’t get what he wants, he is happy to let you take on his own children full time, and at the very least, you have different expectations of getting some child-free time in.
Also, please consider this. He was happy to bring his children to YOUR party, because it is easy and a good time, FOR HIM. His kids get to see his family, he gets his whole family together, and he gets to have fun. He doesn’t expect to care for his children while they are there because he knows you will (or other family), and he doesn’t care if it disrupts the party you planned because it won’t impact him and his fun. Oh, on your dime too.” mfruitfly
18. AITJ For Announcing My Mother-In-Law's Pregnancy To My Husband?
I feel like it’s common courtesy to not tell someone about another’s pregnancy unless 1) they already publicly announced it, or 2) they give you their permission to tell others.
“I recently found out that my husband’s mom is pregnant. She didn’t tell me directly and probably wouldn’t have wanted me to know as we don’t get along at all, but we were on an outing for a mutual family member’s birthday, and I heard her whinging to an usher that they needed to bend the rules and let her back in her seat because she is pregnant and that’s why she got up.
I immediately felt sick to my stomach. My husband and I do not keep secrets, and I felt like I had to tell him, but it also felt wrong. The thing is if I didn’t tell him and he ever found out I knew, he would feel so betrayed. I ended up pulling her aside at the end of the night and letting her know that I knew and that I felt I had to tell him.
She told me she wasn’t ready and then told me she had no plans of telling him, maybe until the baby was born (what) I told her I was going to have to tell him and she began to cry.
She said she knew he would take it badly and felt he was being replaced since she hasn’t talked to him in a while, and she said she is having a lot of weird feelings about not wanting him near the baby, but she thinks it is hormonal and will go away.
She said she is even going to therapy to get into a place she can talk to him again, and please don’t tell him (they used to be close but she hates me with a passion and it has ruined their relationship).
I said I was so sorry, but I just don’t keep secrets from my husband.
She called me a “freaking stupid witch” and ran off crying. I told my husband and he did not take it well at all. He called her and there was a massive fight, and now MIL is telling everyone I’m evil and I betrayed her. The family is pretty split about if he had the right to know or not.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It was not your news to share, no matter how you received the information. You said that you and your MIL don’t get along and it’s not surprising since you clearly don’t respect her.
You didn’t have to run to tell your husband something that is not your business or his. This was not a matter of not being able to keep secrets from your husband.
It’s you being a busybody, crap stirrer. Learn to mind your own business. You sound like a teenage brat.” PsychologyAutomatic3
Another User Comments:
“Maybe a controversial take, but NTJ.
If you decided not to tell your husband about this, and then he found out later that you had known about his mom’s pregnancy the whole time… I would imagine he would be very upset.
And rightfully so. The trust bond between a husband and wife trumps ALL other bonds. I think you were right to not keep a secret this huge from your husband. I understand that “sharing pregnancy news” is personal and should typically be done by the pregnant person, but it was his MOM and she WASN’T going to tell him maybe EVER until after the baby is already born.
That’s not cool, and keeping that from your husband would have eaten you up inside. He deserves time to process the fact that he’s getting a new sibling at a very unusual point in his life.” PerniciousKnidz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If she’d said “You have to let me be the one to tell him”, well, that’s fair, she’s his mom, and every pregnant person gets to decide when’s the point when they’re far enough along to be comfortable telling people they know about the pregnancy.
But if she’s literally not planning to tell him until the baby’s born, well. No. You didn’t pry, you found out accidentally, you can’t unknow what you know, and your MIL really did have to decide then on a plan of how to tell her son he’s going to have a baby brother.” Enough-Process9773
Another User Comments:
“ESH, what a weird weird situation, lol.
Why is your husband so mad? Why did you have to keep it a secret? Is she really pregnant? Why are you so terrified of keeping a temporary (what should be) positive secret?
Why would a grown man feel replaced by a baby? Why is that such a concern for her?
You could’ve really just minded your own business.
It sounds like your husband should follow his mother’s lead and go to therapy.” SoloBurger13
Mom was hiding it and knew he wasn't going to take it well.
I might have told her I'd give her one day to let him know but tomorrow evening I was going to have a discussion with him about it.
17. AITJ For Refusing To Replace My Daughter's Graduation Photo With My Husband's Graduation Photo?
“My daughter (18) graduated high school and I hung a photo of her graduation party on the living room wall. She wants to go to a community college and will live with me and her stepdad while doing that.
My husband recently earned his master’s degree and yesterday, he showed me his graduation photo that he framed and prepared to hang.
I asked where we were gonna hang it and he said the living room. I said, “Great! Right next to Amy’s graduation photo then.” He said not next to it but instead of it. I was puzzled I asked why and he said that he didn’t feel it was right to have his graduation photo, a master’s degree, be hung next to a high school graduation photo, a high school degree.
He said that both photos have “different weight and value” and suggested I take my daughter’s photo down and hang his instead. I was fuming because he refused to let her photo be hung anywhere near his, and by that, he has claimed the entire wall. I refused and said this photo has been here for months and my daughter deserves to have it on display for encouragement.
He got upset and said that I was making it a big deal and could instead just use the hallway hall or something but I refused.
We had an argument about it and he kept insisting on having her graduation photo be taken down and not be hung on the same wall as his due to the difference in degree value and weight and also he thought that a high school photo isn’t hang-on wall worthy and called me inconsiderate of his feelings.
He says it’s disrespectful to him and his efforts and said that my choosing this “hill” to die on was ridiculous.
AITJ for choosing this hill to die on?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
They are both great achievements and can be celebrated equally. He’s putting down someone who hasn’t even been on earth long enough to achieve a master’s degree.
Maybe one day she’ll have the same.
Since he is a major jerk and insists on pulling this crap, hang his degree in the bathroom.” emotionallydented445
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your husband is asking you to choose between him and your daughter. He is a grown man throwing a fit over an imagined difference of importance.
Yes, a master’s has a different weight than a high school diploma, but that doesn’t mean the people represented by those degrees do.
If he feels so strongly that it shouldn’t be presented alongside your daughter’s high school diploma, he can go hang it elsewhere. Either way, removing her diploma to put his up instead is childish as heck and little more than a way to “one up” his step-daughter.” JBagginsKK
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re not choosing a hill to die on. He is.
You were happy to hang it up and put it next to another cherished family member which should be a wonderful thing to look at and appreciate said family’s accomplishments.
Instead, he wants to take the spot from your daughter basically telling her, next time she visits, that her accomplishment means less than his and she’ll have to be better than him if she wants that spot.
I can’t think of any reason for this other than to put down the daughter or to prop himself up above others/her.
I can’t imagine anyone looking at both photos and thinking “wow what a loser it’s next to some high school graduate” instead of appreciating a successful family.
What you want doesn’t bring anyone else down. What he wants does and is incredibly disrespectful. Screw that. He needs to get over himself.” cd2200
16. WIBTJ If I Didn't Send A Gift To A Couple Whose Wedding I Wasn't Invited To?
“My cousin “Ted” and I are close in age (a few years apart). We were always close as kids and even into adulthood still kept in touch.
Then Ted met Maddy a few years ago and started bringing her to family stuff. I don’t have a problem with Maddy but we just didn’t click.
We talk about family stuff but she’s not someone I want to hang out with or become friends with.
My other cousin (Ted’s sister) really clicked with Maddy, which is cool and good for them but I just…don’t. I’m nice and polite, but I don’t go out of my way to become her bestie.
My aunt (Ted’s mom) really pushed her on me though. I don’t know if it’s because we’re the same age-ish or what but it was annoying. Anytime we were both at an event she’d find some way to push us together. I felt like a little kid being forced to play with someone.
My own college graduation party (grandparents had it because they have a bigger house/yard) had to be moved because Maddy had to work and it wouldn’t be nice to exclude her. Even though it was inconvenient for me and meant most of my friends couldn’t come and I had to rush around.
Anyway like I said I’ve never been rude or anything to her just never really bonded with her.
So Ted and Maddy are getting married soon. I knew he was engaged but I didn’t know the wedding was when it is. Another family member asked what I was getting them for a wedding gift and I said, “I don’t know.” They said, “Better figure it out before the wedding date – (which is very soon)”.
I said “oh I didn’t know, I wasn’t invited.” They said, “Well maybe it’s not personal; you should still get a gift for them”.
I asked my dad when he got his invitation and I guess it was a while ago. I said it was crappy that I wasn’t invited when I had to reschedule my party for them.
He said, “that was a graduation party, this is a wedding. Now that you know about it just be a bigger person and get a gift don’t be petty.”
I don’t want to buy them a gift, and I probably won’t invite Ted to any future events I have. I don’t know why I was left out when everyone else in the family was invited.
Maybe because I’m the only cousin on this side. Maybe it’s a budget thing and not personal but I don’t want to spend my savings on a gift when I wasn’t cool enough to invite.
To me, it’s like having a birthday party and expecting someone I didn’t invite to send me a birthday present.
AITJ if I don’t send a gift?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. DO NOT SEND A GIFT.
You send a gift when you were invited but can’t make it. You give a gift when you’re invited and attend. That’s it.
The only reason you send a wedding gift to a wedding that you weren’t invited to, is if the newlyweds are the kids of your boss or a client or something, and you wanna make a nice impression.
Or when you’re older, if a close friend has a kid getting married and you just wanna show support cause you care about your friend, you can send a gift to be nice.
In your specific situation OP, you don’t send a gift. They didn’t invite you. Whether it was personal or not, you’re close enough with them that you should have been invited if they want a gift from you.
If you want to send one, that’s fine. But it’s not expected, so if you don’t want to, do not feel bad about it.” Cjbas91
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not only did they not invite you, but it seems they didn’t even tell you they were getting married (yes, I know OP was told about the engagement, but getting engaged and getting married are two separate things which is why you still have to send out invitations to the wedding even though everyone already knows you are engaged).
You had to hear about it from other family members. If they wanted you there but couldn’t invite you for one reason or another then they would have at least told you in advance, but they didn’t which means they don’t want you there (there is no nice way to put it).
Sending a gift will just come across as passive-aggressive and cause more problems. To your cousin and his fiancé, it will look like you’re rubbing it in their face that they didn’t invite you. And since your family is clearly taking their side in everything if they start complaining about how it was rude of you to send a gift when they already feel “guilty” about not being “able” to invite you, then your whole family will just end up doing a 180 and start attacking you for bullying the new couple when they are already so stressed out.
The next time you see them at a family event just smile and say congratulations on getting married. Don’t send a card, don’t get a gift, and don’t ask why they didn’t invite you.” savage_52jms
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As a child from a HUGE family of notoriously petty people, allow me to share the “unspoken rules” the unholy clan I’ve forsaken follows.
I am going to guess you are currently unmarried, therefore you, (as a single person) are still viewed as your parents’ child and would not be expected to provide more than a card. IF you LIKED said cousin, you may provide more but NOT more than below.
Your parents must give at least equal to, but not less than, what they received for their own wedding – adjusted for inflation.
Whatever your parents give is what YOU (their child) will in turn receive at your wedding.
If your parents did not have a wedding, whatever they gift at the wedding of that person’s first offspring (adjust for inflation) is then in turn what you will receive.
Y’all, they have LISTS dating back 60+ years.
It’s THAT petty.
So yeah. Send a card. Wash your hands of the entire ordeal, and let your parents deal with the gift. You sent your acknowledgment, nothing more, nothing less.
I also suggest a mini-vacation that weekend. Treat yourself because that level of bullcrap isn’t worth your time, effort, or mental health.” NightKatCares00
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Trans Daughter Come Out To Extended Family Until Later?
“My daughter (F17) is transgender, but she is currently only out to her immediate family. My husband and I call her by her preferred name and use the right pronouns for her, but as nobody else in the family knows she’s trans, they refer to her by her deadname and with he/him pronouns.
So far this has only been in periods of around an hour or two, so (in her words) it’s been “slightly bearable.”
But the thing is, we’re going on a week-long vacation with some of our relatives soon, and we are all sharing a house. Because of this, our daughter will be referred to by her dead name and will be presented as male.
She has expressed her discontent with this, (to the point that she’s considering not going on the vacation and staying home), but her father and I both agree that she should wait until afterward to come out.
It’s not that anybody in the family is transphobic – if anything they’re probably the opposite.
I’m not worried about her being in any danger or facing any transphobic comments. But I worry that it won’t be enough time for them to fully understand that our daughter is trans and that the topic would take up the entire vacation, which nobody wants. We all just want to be able to have a nice vacation and not have to deal with this gender stuff.
Am I in the wrong for not letting her come out, or is my daughter being selfish?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You said it yourself – you’re not even anticipating anyone being anything less than supportive, so let her make the decision to come out to them herself. I’d understand if it was about her safety, but it clearly isn’t.
You just want everybody to “have a good time,” but your daughter will not if she is forced to present as male when this is not how she identifies. Of course she’d rather not go with you, I’d do the same thing.
Also, OP saying “not have to deal with all this gender stuff” comes off as transphobic to me, or am I crazy?” mariemarlowe
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I’m trans.
Let your child be themselves; do not stop them from coming out the way they want to.
It will be something she will remember forever, and whatever your intentions are don’t matter; what matters is what it actually is. And it seems like you don’t support her if it brings the slightest inconvenience to you.
Being trans is hard. Having family accept you makes it so much easier. Do not be another person holding your daughter back.” ratslowkey
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Momma, there will never be the “perfect time” for you or your daughter to come out.
People will deal how they deal.
Follow her lead no matter how it makes you feel.
Look deep inside – are you really trying to “save” the family’s feelings? I call nonsense on that. You just don’t want the transition to be the topic of the vacation.
Your surety that she can “DEAL” for a week is ludicrous. That is the worst thing you said in the whole post.
Do you like people telling you to “Just deal with it?” Very dismissive and rude.” Wearedid
But OP just wants their daughter to stay in the closet so they can enjoy their vacation and not have the daughter be the main topic of conversation for the whole week.
That's not only selfish, it'll likely damage the relationship between OP and their daughter as well.
14. AITJ For Controlling How My Husband Drives His Motorcycle?
“My husband, unbeknownst to me, bought a motorcycle from his best friend at work. It’s a sturdy, old Honda from the early aughts in near-mint condition.
I’m horrified. My mother is a nurse and raised us to believe, “We have a term in the ER for motorcyclists, we call them organ donors.” Made my brother and me promise to never to ride on or get one.
We have a beautiful 6-month-old baby at home, our first.
Initially, I demanded he returns it, but he said it was his “lifelong dream” to own a bike & kept saying how great it would be on gas.
EDIT: yes he knew my views on bikes before we got married & every time he brought it up, I asked him not to do it.
I knew he was interested in bikes, but none of this “life-long dream” stuff.
So I said, ok, keep it, but don’t drive it over 30 MPH & don’t take it out of our neighborhood. (We have a lot of side roads.)
Of course, it goes without saying he would have to have “safety gear,” a decent helmet, & pass the course required to obtain his license.
In our state, helmets are mandatory.
I said he can also take it up to the lake where he and his friend go fishing if he promises he won’t drive it over 30 mph and stays off the highway, in other words, tows it up there on a trailer behind our car.
What I mean here is don’t take it on roads where the speed limit is over 30mph or out on the highway. The roads in our neighborhood & around the lake have a posted 25 MPH speed limit.
The whole point of the “riding rules,” which admittedly aren’t great, is I’m trying to find a reasonable compromise because he is insistent on keeping it.
I mean, I’m nursing this baby and changing her diapers all day and I can’t stand thinking about this anymore.
He says I’m being a controlling harpy and sucking all the fun out of his new toy.
All I can see is him splat all over the asphalt and our daughter asking me, “Why is my daddy in Heaven?” one day.
AITJ for trying to establish motorcycle “rules?””
Another User Comments:
“As a man, in my opinion, buying something like that after your wife just finished growing a child and is most likely mucking through PPD is just not smart. Because there’s no way he didn’t know how you felt about motorcycles. That’s a breach of trust.
And makes him a jerk. Plain and simple. No facts or statistics are needed.
I will say, I have friends who have ridden all their lives and have never been in an accident on their bike. I also have a few friends that have, one that lost their life, and one that wished she did.
Your fears are valid for sure.
At this point, I’d probably compromise and tell him the cost of riding his bike comes at him paying for the life/dis insurance and wearing practical safety gear. Some of the guys I know who ride always say Skid Lids = Closed Caskets.
He’s the jerk in my opinion.
Hope ya figure it out.” Epdunk93
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you are treating him like a child. He is a grown adult who I am sure is aware of the dangers…..
I worry to death every time my husband went out on his, but he is a grown man who can decide what he likes and dislikes.
Putting rules on him like a child is horrifying. I get your worry. I was a nurse myself and have seen my share of accidents – car and motorcycle, but because you are afraid does not mean you have to project your fears onto him.
Make your feelings known you have that right, but you can not dictate what he does like a toddler.” Fresh-Ad8854
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
I don’t think you are a jerk for being concerned, but I don’t think your suggested rules are realistic. I don’t imagine that anyone buys a motorbike to go at 30mph.
I’d focus more on agreements around safety – e.g. never riding without proper leathers/kevlar, Hi Viz gear, and (even if they are not a legal requirement where you are) a helmet, maybe agreeing to take some lessons (I don’t know where you are but I’m sure that there are training courses which would cover things like defensive riding so he gets some training and controlled experience in hazard awareness – I don’t know whether there’s a bike equivalent of skid pan training but it’s something to look into).
In other words, risk reduction.
I think that it is bikers who don’t wear helmets who are most at risk, modern helmets reduce the risks significantly.
Riders are more vulnerable than drivers but he can do a fair bit to limit the risks.
I think the fact he bought it without discussion and the fact that you feel you can dictate rules to him suggest that the main issue here is a lack of communication between you and perhaps it would be more productive to work on improving that.” ProfessorYaffle1
13. AITJ For Not Inviting My Sister's Partner To My Wedding Since They're Not Engaged Or Married?
I’ve never heard of this wedding rule before.
“My sister has been with this guy, Josh, for around 7 years now with seemingly no intent to get married. My sister is one of those people who believes marriage is a scam and doesn’t desire it at all and is fine with being just a regular couple.
Multiple times, my parents and I have tried explaining to her how getting married is not just about wearing a wedding dress and all and that there are legal advantages and perks that she won’t be able to have if she’s unmarried.
She said there are solutions to that and that marriage is not a wish neither for her or Josh.
We are deeply conservative and religious and take marriage seriously, so when I had my wedding a few months ago, I didn’t invite Josh because he’s not officially tied to my sister. I told her she can have her views on marriage and I can have mine and if she wants me to respect her decisions and views, she has to respect mine too, and I’m uncomfortable with inviting couples who are neither engaged nor married to my wedding.
She held it against us for all these months, only attended the ceremony and stayed at the reception for half an hour at most, and then left. She was basically absent from my wedding.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, she got into an accident and was hospitalized for a few days.
The hospital had a strict “close relatives” only policy and basically only my parents could visit my sister as first-degree relatives. Josh couldn’t see her and was mad they wouldn’t allow him.
She was out of the hospital soon after with no serious injuries. But I used what happened as an opportunity to teach my sister why her being a “partner” is way different from being a wife and if she and Josh were actually married, he wouldn’t have to miss out on visiting her in the hospital so his lack of visitation is their fault.
My sister now believes I’m the jerk for using her accident to teach her a lesson. But I don’t believe I am since maybe this could be a wake-up call for the both of them.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A major jerk. You didn’t invite your sister’s man to the wedding after they have been together for 7 years? That person is their S.O; it doesn’t matter if they are legally married or not.
I wouldn’t have even shown up. Why do you feel the need to push your beliefs on them? If they are happy, that’s all you should ever care about.” Port-a-John-Splooge
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You became the jerk the second you started punishing her for her opinion. I have NEVER heard of someone requiring couples at a wedding to be engaged or married, EVER, and I’m square in the heart of the bible belt where they teach abstinence in schools with a straight face.
You’re right that being married offers legal advantages that are important and it’s not just about tradition, but excluding her long-time partner from your wedding and lecturing her after a serious accident that put her in the hospital?
You suck, and honestly, you’re a case study of how religious conservatives manage to miss the point of Christian teaching.
You’ve decided to hurt someone who should be a close friend and partner because she didn’t follow the letter of the law as you see it. I’d recommend reading about the Pharisees and taking a good long look in the mirror.” Maxfightmaster1993
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She’s been in a committed relationship for almost a decade. Shame on you for diminishing that, and shame on the hospital for cutting her off from her support system during an extremely stressful event.
Marriage is an outdated tradition which does little but add legal complications and obligations to a romantic relationship.” Weak-Housing-6738
12. AITJ For Expecting My Husband To Cook When He Has A Broken Ankle?
“My husband broke his ankle and had to have surgery. He has a cast for now and crutches to get around the house and has been home less than a week. Normally we either take turns cooking or cook together when we both get home. But since he’ll be home for a number of weeks I told him he should be covering dinner for us.
He said he’d do what he could.
The first day all he made is freaking grilled cheese and soup. Stuff like that doesn’t really constitute a meal or he orders takeout. Once in a while, okay, but it’s been like that ever since he’s been staying home. Yesterday I asked him to do something with more sustenance like a baked dish with a side salad.
Protein and vegetable sides. My husband argued and said he didn’t think he’d be able to do something like that because he’s supposed to be staying off that foot as much as possible for the time being. And he brought up being in pain. I totally get the pain but I reminded him that there were ways to make a good dinner even with a broken ankle.
He has his crutches, could bring a stool or rolling chair into the kitchen, or get everything to the table and sit to do prep. Instead, he made chili in a slow cooker and had premade salads delivered from the store. I wound up making something for myself instead and told him how I was getting fed up with him disregarding my wishes and feelings.
He told me I’m being bossy and needed to cut him so slack and he’d go stay with a friend. He’s been there a whole day and was short with me when I called to get him to talk about this. I don’t think I’m asking too much from him to just cook dinner since he’s home but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ — your husband has broken his ankle and has been instructed to stay off that foot by medical professionals — but because he loves you, he’s ignoring his doctors, and enduring at least moderate pain, to make you two dinner.
That’s already more than I’d agree to — I’d be like “we’re ordering in Chinese, please bring me an ice pack and an ibuprofen.”
Also, grilled cheese and soup sounds excellent — if you want something more “substantial” then make it yourself — your husband is literally doing the best he can, and it sounds like you’re being ungrateful and callous.
You should be helping him recover, not putting more on his plate. I don’t blame him for going to a friend’s — I’d be like “who is this selfish monster I married?” if I were him.” luna520
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’ve had a broken ankle. It was so painful, I did almost nothing for three weeks.
I would spend most of my time lying on my back on the rug with my leg up on three pillows to keep the swelling down. Standing up and moving around the kitchen? Forget it. Give him a couple of weeks on the mend before you ASK him to do anything.” dtalok7
11. AITJ For Asking My Stay-At-Home Wife To Work?
Either way, the household’s finances need to be re-evaluated.
“We got married in ‘06, we had 3 kids in 3 years following and I stated to her that she can raise the kids while I work. Now the kids are 10, 14, and 15 and in school from 8 am to 3:30 pm daily, so I asked her to get a part-time job to assist with a couple of our bills.
She went off on me stating I lied when I said she can be a stay-at-home mom when we got married and her family and mine are agreeing with her, but I said it’s getting to be a mental strain on me financially since I’ve taken 2 pay cuts at work and don’t have the luxury of looking for new employment.
I even started doing food deliveries on the weekends just to keep 2 older kids in sports programs, and when my youngest asked to do gymnastics and I saw the cost, I said I can’t without sacrificing other required bills and now she says if I can’t afford a family, why did I get married.
I’m just at a loss for what to do. I work from home and even offered my wife a job with me part-time while the kids are in school just to answer a few of my calls and transfer them appropriately to the departments they need… My family stated I told her she doesn’t have to work, but our needs have changed since the kids require so much more income now than they did when they were younger, and now my wife hasn’t spoken to me in 2 weeks, and both sides of the family agree with her.”
Another User Comments:
“SAHM here, and I agree completely with you.
2006 was a long time ago, and things change. If she were to talk to you then you need to sit down with her and explain why you need help. Was she working on a degree or a career when she became a SAHM? Are you from a culture where women typically stay home especially since both parents side with her?
So she hasn’t spoken with you for two weeks, and she is being incredibly childish and self-centered.
If she really loved you she would do what it takes to get some of the pressure off of you. I wonder if something else was going on in your relationship to make her take this drastic of a step.
Were you happy with this relationship? Was she? You need to decide if you want to continue and try to go from there.
If she’s interested in at least talking I would try to clear the air. Maybe it is as simple as she believes she truly is entitled no matter what to stay home. Good luck.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
That’s why I don’t agree with any of the partners not working in the first place.
After 16 years, you want her to get back to work with such a gap in her resume. Ok, she received offers, but are any of those related to whatever she studied to do or hoped to do but didn’t to be at home taking care of the kids? Maybe she skipped on following a career she actually enjoyed because she decided to prioritize her family since it was your offer, now you just want her to start working doing whatever to make ends meet.
I agree that things change and everyone should contribute to the household, but why the heck would you tell her to stop working then?! During those 16 years, she could have kept studying, have a high-paying job, and you guys would be fine financially, but instead, you decided to make a promise you had no guarantee you’d be able to keep.
As far as I understood, you only had your job (that you could lose at any time) and apparently not enough saved to take care of your family in case anything happened.” miserable_raven
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Her being a SAHM was the goal, but the reality isn’t working out that way right now.
Extended family members need to either contribute to the family income or stay out of the matter, what was agreed to 16 years ago is not relevant to what is the situation today.
At the end of the day, your family has $X coming in and $Y going out. As a family, either $X goes up or $Y goes down.
It might be beneficial to use a budgeting spreadsheet to show all of your monthly income and all of your monthly expenses (including a portion for any quarterly or annual expenses). Work with your wife first, but if she’s still not willing to get a part-time job or find expenses that could be cut, then you may need to make the hard decision to cut or limit your kids’ extracurricular activities.” Me-0_Life-999
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you are not a failure.
Things change, the economy is not in our control, and everyone is struggling. If your wife can’t see that, she has been quite protected so far at best, or absolute jerk at worst. Giving you the silent treatment is never ok. If she is insecure about working after all these years, if she needs time to adjust to the situation, all these are things that she should express and talk through.
If she insists, you will have to reduce the house budget to a manageable level. Make sure the cuts are equally distributed among everyone. It will be a great time to teach your children about the economy, hard work, budgeting, saving, and perseverance… All the things that will prepare them for the future are much better than an activity, and I hope it will bring you closer together.
You are not a failure. Think about the values you want to teach your children. They shouldn’t expect their father to work himself to the bone just so they don’t change their lifestyle for a couple of years. Things WILL be better. But in the meantime, you have to make it through as a family. I hope your wife comes to understand that.” crazy_marmelade
10. AITJ For Not Telling My Roommate I Was Buying A House?
“I recently closed on a property and didn’t tell my roommate until after I closed. My roommate was a good friend of 8 years until they reacted poorly to this news. I didn’t feel comfortable telling them as I was going through the home-buying process due to a number of factors including the fact that I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to land the plane since my bank didn’t make the mortgage process easy for me.
I’m the type of person who tries not to share premature news.
However, upon telling them yesterday morning, they freak out and tell me I should have looped them in on the process because “that’s what friends do and they’re a stakeholder in my life.” They’re hurt because I didn’t tell them earlier and “it damages our relationship because I withheld the news”.
I tried to soften the blow of the news by getting them cupcakes but they threw the cupcakes clear across the room once they heard of the news.
I honestly don’t think it was incumbent on me to share the news before I felt comfortable and given how they’re reacting, I think my senses were right.
This is also not going to impact them financially either as I’m giving them more than 30 days’ notice to find a new living situation.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – my partner was in the same situation and the reason he didn’t tell anyone was because another friend in his group told his friends/roomies they were in the process of buying and the whole house assumed they were moving in with him.
It was a fiasco with how entitled they became, which was totally unpredictable behavior from the friends. They guilted him for moving, sabotaged roomie interviews to find his replacement, he moved in a month late. My partner’s roomies were shocked he didn’t say anything but were happy for him and sent housewarming gifts.
“Your finances, your house, your choice. Just throw parties.”
In addition, telling people you’re buying a house invites financial conversations you might not feel comfortable having even with people you’ve known for years. Your friends aren’t owed every detail of your life and with the way the housing market is, depending on your area, finding people who need a spare room isn’t hard at all.
The cupcakes were a bad idea though.” CuriousTsukihime
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I think there are 2 things going on here:
First, the effect on your friend’s life: your friend’s living situation is going to change. From reading the comments it sounds like they will have to find someone to replace you in the rental, plus all the uncertainty about how living with a new person will work out.
This is not a minor annoyance. It is a huge change in their plans for the next month, at least, and that is if all goes well!
And second, they have discovered that they don’t have the relationship they thought they had with you. You left them out of a whole major portion of your life.
Sure, you didn’t have to share every detail of your house hunt with them, but you went through some major life crap without even mentioning it to them, when presumably, you see them almost every day.
If they are a good friend of 8 years, maybe the friendship can be saved, but by keeping this major news to yourself, you were acting as if your relationship wasn’t very close.” red7258
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
But mostly you. They overreacted, yes. BUT as someone who has had “more than 30 days” to move out of multiple places, I know it’s really not very long at all. Also, they probably felt betrayed. That’s pretty major news to keep secret from your roommate and supposed friend.” CatsEatGrass
9. AITJ For Being Upset At My Mother-In-Law For Eating My Food?
Nobody likes their food eaten.
“Tonight my MIL came over for dinner. I made Swedish meatballs in gravy with mashed potato, broccoli, and homemade bread.
In my house, we tend to eat in the lounge room unless it’s a big event, so I dish up everyone’s meal. Kids, MIL, and my husband & I take their meals to them, and then before serving mine, I have to run out to the line and grab some clothes that I hung out earlier.
No big deal.
I served up generous portions for everyone way more than I thought they could eat but when I got back from the line my dinner was gone. I asked if anyone knew what had happened to the food on the bench and MIL piped up and said she wanted some more.
She’s piled her bowl FULL of meatballs. Way more than she would ever eat. I’m stunned. I figure oh well. I’ll just grab some fast food a bit later or something because maybe she was super hungry. My bad for not cooking enough.
But once she’s eaten what she wants, she asks for a container so she can take her extra portion home for dinner the next night.
I’m pretty annoyed at this point and mention that it was meant to be my dinner for that night, not her takeaway meal for the next night. She says “oh well you can eat it then” and I reply with “no thank you.” And hand her a container. (I didn’t want to eat her leftovers.)
She leaves and my husband puts the kids to bed.
When he comes back in, he asks what’s wrong and I tell him that I’m hungry. I cooked the meal and didn’t get to eat any of it and I’m livid about it. He agrees MIL was way out of line and messages her that her actions were greedy and selfish.
She owes me an apology.
She replies telling him that I acted like a jerk; I should have cooked more and anticipated that she would take home a portion for the next day, she offered me what she didn’t eat and I didn’t want it. It’s not her fault and that I owe HER an apology for my attitude and snarky comment.
She’s also posting on social media about what happened and people are saying that I’m a jerk and a rude hostess.
I should also add I’m currently pregnant and I feel like I can be quite unreasonable at times due to hormones.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
So let me get this straight. You cooked, served everyone, went to do more chores… and this woman TOOK YOUR BOWL AND EMPTIED IT INTO HERS?! Then had the gall to not even finish it and want to take it home, but offered you food covered in her germs from dipping a fork in and out of it?
I don’t know about you, but that would be a BAN from my home, especially during meals.
That is DISGUSTING, disrespectful, and just plain MEAN behavior. That fact that you’re pregnant makes it even worse.” Stoney_Wan_KaBlowme
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s bad enough she was so greedy and inconsiderate in taking so much food and assuming that she could just take extra for a second meal for herself. For her to think that offering you what she hadn’t scarfed up from her bowl was acceptable amends was just poor.
But what makes her a beyond-the-pale jerk is her thinking you owe her an apology AND her attacking you on social media.
I have all sorts of petty responses running through my mind… posting a family platter of food in reply to her posts and noting that this is what MIL expects to be served if she comes to a person’s house for dinner (for example).
But I’m really trying to think of a real-life response to her. She is unrepentant, and you don’t really want to litigate her behavior on social media.
My inclination is to take a break from her for a while. A milder step is to take a break from having her over around mealtime for a while.
Even milder is to assume she’ll be a greedy gus and safeguard any food not meant for her to eat/take. I haven’t totally dropped the notion of some social media post from consideration, but I guess it only matters if (1) it doesn’t lower your own standard of behavior, (2) it isn’t actually just ridiculing MIL, but an honest response, (3) the people who see it are people who are in your life and who may have been misled by MIL.
(Maybe more to consider, but at least that much.) Whatever you do in response, in your heart and mind, never doubt that she was the sole jerk that evening and in her response afterward.” swillshop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re a wonderful human for being as tolerant as you were, and I’m sorry that your MIL visiting obviously means that you just have an extra child to have to look after for the evening.
That woman chose violence. And it sounds like she’s deliberately caused a scene so that she can have a whinge on social media about how awful people treat her. She is a mega jerk.
She or your husband should have helped you! Why do you have to cook dinner, serve them, run to the line, then serve yourself? That awful woman sat and let you bring her meal to her but could get up herself to take your serve? I’m fuming for you.
While I appreciate that your hubby stood up for you to your MIL, I hope he’s feeling bad about not helping you – that would have prevented the whole situation.
And by god I hope the next time you go to MIL’s for dinner, you arrive on that doorstep with an empty container in hand for your extra take-home serving!” weasley_black_guts
8. AITJ For Reporting My Co-Worker For Going Through My Purse?
“There’s this coworker “Martin” 31M. who always forgets where he leaves his stuff. He always forgets his phone charger at home and borrows mine to use. I don’t mind lending him my charger, He’s a nice person and I love maintaining a good relationship with my coworkers. Especially male coworkers.
The other day, I was in the restroom then when I walked back into the office, I saw Martin with both hands inside my purse literally looking through it.
I was shocked. I have highly personal stuff that I carry in my purse. I freaked out and snatched my purse out of his hands asking what he was doing. He got nervous and said he was looking for my charger. I asked why he thought it was okay for him to look through my purse and he said that, since I always lend him my charger then he thought I wouldn’t mind if he looked for it in my purse when he couldn’t ask me because I was out of the office and he needed it right then.
I told him he violated my privacy and disrespected my boundaries. I went and filed a report with the company’s headquarters after telling them what happened. They said it was unacceptable and promised to deal with it.
Martin got in trouble for this, and he and my coworkers were mad saying I overreacted and went way overboard by reporting this situation.
My female coworker told me to “get over myself” and stop crying victim over a simple “misunderstanding.”
I felt very guilty after this as now I think I might have blown this out of proportion and overreacted.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think you blew anything out of proportion at all.
I can’t believe anyone thinks it’s acceptable for someone to rummage through someone else’s purse when they’re out of their office, let alone Martin and all of your coworkers.
And what was the “misunderstanding” when he was admittedly looking through your bag for your charger? He didn’t have a right to the charger without your permission in the first place, let alone go through your belongings to find it. If he was even rummaging through your desk drawer, I could maybe see his side — it’s company property, not really “yours,” so maybe he’d feel he could look — but this was your purse.
No, Martin was super creepy at best and criminal at worst. Anyway, as long as you told the truth, blame HQ for his punishment, not you. You didn’t get Martin into trouble; he got himself into trouble. If it really were no big deal, then HQ would have agreed, and Martin would not have been disciplined.” SamSpayedPI
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
When I was working at a restaurant as a teen, I had this one co-worker that would go through my backpack when they needed a charger for our Bluetooth speaker. Every time I caught him doing it, I would tell him not to, and never once did he listen.
Usually, he’d say something like “But you let xyz grab it from your bag.” Which I did all of once because the speaker died and I was busy on the line, and they were on break.
Plus, the person I asked that one time was someone who was like a mom to me.
This restaurant was a freaking mess, so even if I did report it I knew it would’ve gone nowhere. More than likely I’d just be told “No one likes a snitch.” So I’m glad to hear that you work somewhere that actually respects you enough to realize that your co-worker was caught doing something not okay and actually does something about it.” deaddlikelatin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Just so you know, I walked in on a coworker rifling through my purse once and let it slide.
Turns out the guy was returning my keys to my purse from where he had just gone out and made a copy of my house key. He ended up being a stalker who terrorized me for the next couple of years. He was known to the police as someone who had done this to other women before.
He said he was just looking for some Altoids, and all my coworkers thought I should be cool with it too. They had no idea at the time that the guy was a person of interest in the harm of someone else.
The point is that you just never REALLY know someone or what their motives may be. Going into your purse crosses a societal boundary that most folks respectfully will not cross. Good for you for recognizing the breach and taking action.” RevolutionaryBaker14
7. AITJ For Thinking I Deserve More Food Than My Sister?
“My sister and I recently had an argument that got very heated about whether or not I deserve a larger serving size when we have dinner.
We were both having salmon and she put hers in the oven before I did, when I put mine in I noticed that the pieces were quite small, however, she said she was entitled to half of it since it wouldn’t be fair that we have different amounts if we are both hungry.
For reference, I am around 6’1″ and she is around 5’4″.
I tried to explain that we have different dietary requirements because I’m bigger and that the degree to which I would be hungry would be greater than the degree to which she would be hungry if we had the same portion size, though she insists that it’s only fair that she shouldn’t have to sacrifice her half for me, though I think I’m sacrificing by letting her have half in the first place.
She says that I should supplement my food with something else if I need more food but I don’t see why I can’t say the same thing to her?
We both basically think each other is being selfish, and it doesn’t really seem like we can resolve this disagreement, so am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Surprisingly enough, there are a lot of nuances here. Your mother bought the food and it is her duty to provide enough calories and nutrients for both of her children to be healthy. Since you’re taller and weigh more you need more calories and nutrients than her to stay healthy, therefore inevitably you are entitled to more of the total amount of food in the house than she is.
That said, while you are entitled to more calories and nutrients, you aren’t entitled to more pleasure derived from tasty food than her. If you both find salmon very tasty and if you could’ve supplemented your meal with other food to meet your nutrients and calories, then the 50/50 split was fair.
If you both feel indifferent about the taste of salmon then you are entitled to more of it. There’s a lot more to add here, such as what would happen if you both find the salmon tasty to a different degree or if you both hate it, but that’s kinda going overboard.
I voted NTJ because determining a truly fair split would take way too much effort. The only jerk here is the complexity of morality.” Chemical_Office_5193
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I am 180 cm, and my younger brother is 208 cm. Yet when we have dinner, we both take half of something if there is not much.
Why? Because we both need food and we both want say, salmon.
If there are leftovers, he can have them. If I can’t finish my food, and he wants more, he can have it.
However, if all the food is eaten, and he is still hungry, he can grab some bread. He can not have more than half the cooked food, because that is unfair.
He can however make himself some more if he is still hungry afterward.
So yes, you are selfish. Make yourself some rice or potatoes or pasta or bread. But your sister does not have to spare food out of her own mouth, so you have more.” Parttime-Princess
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I wouldn’t say anything if you were talking about sides (pasta, rice, etc…), like yeah ok, if you’re hungry you can take more WITHOUT taking the part of another person, just, cook more pasta lol.
But the “pricey” food (protein in particular) and the main dish should be equal. Typically, my man and I always divide the meat in 2 (like 1 steak for me, 1 steak for him), and if he’s more hungry than me or needs more food, he just cooks more of the side dish (generally glucose (rice/pasta) and/or vegetables) for him.
It’s not because she’s smaller than you or because she’s a girl that she has to be hungry or have less of the main dish than you! The main dish is, in general, the most enjoyable thing in the meal, it’s not fair to take that from another person. Just complete your meal with another thing or just take a starter and/or a dessert, you can take a snack too if you’re hungry later in the day.” Chibi_Zake
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
The only situation where your hypothetical need for more calories would be relevant would be if you were in a situation where you were literally starving and there was a need for you to be able to walk/run/climb for help – i.e. it was life and death for both of you that you had more protein.
Otherwise, it’s just you being greedy and wanting to take more of the best bits.
If you are actually hungry then fill up on potato/bread/rice/vegetables or whatever else you have that isn’t in limited supply.
I don’t understand why you think that sharing the food means you are sacrificing anything. Unless this is your house and you paid for it, you’ve got no more right to it than her.
If you are actually, genuinely hungry, then you need to think about what foods you are buying, or talk to your parents if you are still a minor, about making sure that there are more options in the house/allowing you to cook bigger portions of vegetables and starches so you can fill up.” ProfessorYaffle1
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Husband's Brother On Vacation?
“For context: My f25 husband’s m27 remaining parent passed away about 4 months ago. He has a 17-year-old brother (Ryan) who is now living with their aunt. He’s autistic and I kind of find it hard to interact with him, and being around him generally gives me anxiety.
Anyways, my husband and I planned to go on vacation and he told me that he would like to take Ryan with us to cheer him up a bit after all that he’s been through.
I declined, but he went on about how this isn’t a couple’s getaway and that he was okay with me bringing my friend with us and asked why he can’t bring Ryan. I told him that first of all, I already stated how I can’t handle Ryan’s autism, and also, I’ve never been on vacation with him, and I don’t know how he would behave.
My husband got offended and called me cruel to think it’s OK to exclude his brother who is now an orphan basically just because of slight inconveniences. I told him to drop it, but he lectured me about how he’s the one paying for it which really irked me because I’d paid for so many things in the past.
His aunt called to give me a “stern talk” about this saying that Ryan did nothing to me and that it was cruel of me to try to exclude him and ignore my husband’s wishes.
We’re still arguing about it and my friend thinks that my husband is trying to control me by using the fact that he is the one paying to spring whoever he wants on me on the vacation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My adult BIL is severely autistic and any trip outside of his normal routine would trigger overstimulation. It would be unpleasant for everyone including him to be there. We don’t know the extent of your BIL’s autism, but your feelings should be considered. If caring for your BIL was not something you signed up for, or are willing to help with, you need to be clear with your husband.
This may be a deal breaker for you both.” fbombmom_
Another User Comments:
“INFO: is your husband’s brother violent in any way? Or is it his stimming and lack of filters that get to you? I’m autistic as is my son. I get why it can be hard to be around us but the kid has just had his entire life ripped apart.
All his routines will be gone and he will be suffering because of it. His safe person is also gone.
ESH. Your husband for throwing the “I paid” in your face, you for not wanting your husband to help his grieving brother.” Morrighu87
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
This boy is a literal orphan and does deserve to be cheered up with a little trip.
The fact that your husband is paying for it is relevant as it isn’t causing you any financial strain. Additionally, you mentioned that your friend is coming with you, so surely you can have time away from Ryan.
Realistically you’re probably going to have to learn how to deal with Ryan’s autism as I imagine he will increasingly be a part of your and your husband’s life due to the absence of Ryan’s parents.
The tone of your post is quite ableist.” alyanm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I respect you admitted you get anxious around Ryan. I think this is normal, many people feel the same while denying it.
I agree, this vacation is not the best occasion to improve your relationship with Ryan; it can go wrong on so many levels for him, your husband, and of course, you.
You should postpone the trip if possible, maybe?
Although, in the long term you need to work on this if you love your husband. With baby steps. He will see the effort you make concerning your current position on the matter.
Oh, and one more thing. It’s not enough info about your husband’s usual behavior, but I assume he used the “I’m paying for the vacation” card, cause he felt it would end the argument. He really loves his little brother who just lost a parent. Also, Ryan could deal with it harder (differently) due to the fact he is on the spectrum.” frunited
I worked in developmental disabilities and it could be years after a parent died and I'd find one of the adults in my care crying, missing their parents. It's hard for everyone but when someone has a disability they are treated differently, they are cared for by at least one of the parents like they are a perpetual child/young person. I had one client that lived in a group home, worked a full time job at a grocery store, walked himself to and from work across town, washed his clothes, cleaned his room, and could cook food for himself. His mother took his paycheck and gave him $10 to go have fun with his friends....the house went out to eat once a week and the $10 he had was the highest amount they could spend, he could barely afford a McDonald's meal. The mom told me he was wacky, didn't I understand he wasn't smart enough to have more money? That the staff would steal it. I have a sister in law that has a daughter with a disability. She is her constant companion and caregiver. The adult woman, nearly my age, works part time at a local university in the food service area. She helps in banquets and other events mostly. She's very personable and easy to like. But my sister in law keeps her at home because she's worried what might happen to her out in the world. The girl is in her 50's and high functioning.
People treat their kids with disabilities differently. They just do.
Your husband needs to spend some time with his brother.
Phrase it that you think you'll let them have guy time and the next time it can be just you and hubby, a romantic get away.
5. AITJ For Refusing To Watch My Younger Brother For A Week?
“So I (19F) have two brothers, 17 and 5 years old. Ever since the youngest was born, I have been expected to look after him quite a lot. I usually don’t mind, but I do feel like a free nanny sometimes. My parents make it seem like he is my responsibility.
My mom often yells that ”no one helps her with James (my 5-year-old brother), and I should take care of him more.” My father is away a lot because of his work, sometimes even for weeks.
This September, I am starting uni. I have my own apartment that I will move into this weekend.
(You should note that my parents have said to me multiple times these past few years that they can’t wait until I move out because I am so lazy in their opinion and never help out). So next week is orientation week for my uni. The uni is in my hometown, so I am not moving far, just getting my own place.
The orientation week is super important for getting to know the people you will spend the next few years with. It is also important to attend because all the important info will be given during this week. My schedule is quite packed for the whole week, days start at 10 am and continue till late at night.
The problem is that both my parents have important work stuff next week as well. My mom is flying abroad for work and my dad is away the whole week as well. My parents said to me that they expect me to take James to and from daycare and spend the evenings with him, feed and bathe him, and put him to bed.
I told them that this won’t be possible because of my uni schedule, but I can take him to daycare, and depending on the schedule, help out. I reminded them that my 17-year-old brother is also capable of helping out since he is still living with them and doesn’t have such a packed schedule that week and has more time to help out.
My parents said that this won’t be possible since my brother has to focus on his high school studies and is too young. (Note that I would take care of James for whole weekends since I was 14 years old).
I don’t want to be difficult, but what my parents are asking from me is too much.
They got really angry at me when I explained the situation and told me that I shouldn’t ask them for help ever again because they will not give me any. They are not offering me any form of repayment either for taking care of a 5yo for an entire week whilst pushing all my important things aside.
I know for a fact that they sometimes give my other brother payment for helping out but never offer it to me. I feel like they are in the wrong here but I might not see things that clearly. So, AITJ?
Edit: I want to clear up some confusion. I live in Europe, in a country where uni is free.
I pay for my own apartment myself and am in no way dependent on my parents financially. So no, they don’t have that hanging over my head.
I called my grandma and explained the situation to her. She was on my side and encouraged me to talk to my parents. I called my mom and poured out to her that the situation doesn’t feel fair to me.
She was quite upset at first, so I hung up and called my grandma again. My grandma then called my mom and basically told her off, which eventually led to my mom apologizing to me. My grandma is coming to take care of James, and I agreed to help whenever I have time.
I am getting paid as well.
As for my parents, I think it’s best that I go low contact for a while until things settle. I don’t want to completely cut off ties because I think family is still important. However, I don’t think it’s good for me to be around for a little while as my parents seem to be upset still.
I do feel bad about not seeing my brothers that much, but for now, I think it’s for the best.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re right about the importance of that first week of uni, not just for the information, but for the people you will meet and the experiences you will have.
I still think back on that week with a lot of fondness – it was all the fun of uni, without having any actual work to do yet. Don’t let your parents screw you out of that experience. There are some things that only come around once, and this is one of them.
You are absolutely right to point out that your 17-year-old brother is perfectly capable of childcare. Your parents’ refusal to ask for his help has a distinct whiff of sexism.” Groundbreaking_Mess3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’ve already moved out. You have your own life. You did not birth this child.
Your parents are responsible for their own childcare arrangements.
If both of them have work engagements, then they need to hire a temporary nanny for the week if they feel that the 17-year-old son is incapable of dealing with things (not that he should have to either, not his kid).
Boundaries. You’re establishing them. Stay firm.” Short-Classroom2559
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP.
Your parents are either sexist and think that all childcare responsibilities should fall on you because you are female (highly likely), or they have made you the designated dumpee of the family.
Your parents are also hypocrites in the excuses they give for holding you solely responsible for their lack of parenting their own children. It would be lovely if they could take the feedback from here or from any sane adult in their lives and see the error of their ways. But they won’t – why should they? Dumping on you and blaming you is so easy and convenient for them, and they are completely untroubled by things like supporting you, recognizing your needs and obligations to other aspects of your life, shouldering their own responsibilities, and being balanced among their children.
I assume you are still somewhat dependent upon them (maybe for the apartment?). If I’m wrong about that, then just move on with your independent living. You have done more than right by your family all these years and should focus on building your own life now, guilt-free. If you are somewhat dependent upon them, it’s trickier.
But your approach of letting them know what you can do and are willing to do and then refusing to discuss any other demands by them is a good, consistent approach. Just try to make it difficult for them to still dump your little brother on you. If they made no arrangement for someone to get him from daycare, don’t cancel your own plans to be the one to get him.
If the school contacts you, let them know that you don’t know what arrangements your parents made, but you had made it clear you were not available… and then don’t offer to come to get your brother. That will make the school aware of what your parents are doing and put your parents on the spot for getting a childcare plan in place.
Your parents are not going to make this easy on you, but don’t doubt that you have done more than your share and that your parents are the selfish and lazy ones – not you. (a mom here, BTW.)” swillshop
4. AITJ For Being Mad That I Got Stuck Babysitting On My Vacation?
“I’m 22 years old. My sister is 26 and has 2 children: a 2-month-old and a 2-year-old. I always thought she should not have had another one because she can barely take care of the other one and most of the time asks other people to take care of them because she can’t do it alone.
Our mom is one of the people who goes and helps a lot. Definitely now that the baby’s born.
Now for the vacation part. I booked a vacation to the beach a year ago; it was quite expensive. But this is something I really wanted so I saved up for it. I asked our mom if she wanted to go with me.
She said yes I booked and paid for 2 people. A month before we left for the vacation. My mom said my sister was also coming with us because her partner was away that same week on a bike vacation.
There wasn’t really a question in it they just announced it. Afterward, I went to our mom and said my concerns about how I was afraid I would have no time for myself and I would have to babysit all the time.
(Something about me, I’m highly sensitive and I get overwhelmed very quickly by constant loud noise, and being an introvert being around people mentally drained me to the point I can’t do anything anymore but just sleep. They know this.)
We’re now 4 days into the vacation. And everything I feared came true.
I have to constantly keep the 2-year-old busy while my mom and sister are on their phones or taking care of the baby. Even when I go somewhere else to be alone for a second like lying on my bed or something, he follows and keeps asking to play. I love him, but it gets too much for me.
The only way they leave me alone is when I’m sleeping, so I have been doing that a lot. Which makes that I wasn’t able to do anything that I wanted.
My sister told me today I’m ruining her vacation because I make a long face all the time.
I was so annoyed, I told her what do you mean ruining your vacation; I paid for it.
This is my vacation. She began yelling and said that just because I paid for everything doesn’t mean I can sit here and ruin it for her. I said you invited yourself I didn’t ask you to be here. And said that they promised I would not have to babysit. She began yelling louder and said I haven’t touched the baby while we were here (that’s a lie; I have given him his bottle a few times and held him while he slept and cried plenty of times.) I told her who has been keeping the 2-year-old busy.
She got angrier and said isn’t that normal for you to want to play with the 2-year-old as his aunt. Our mom was looking at me like I’d kicked the children. Because how could I complain about playing with my own nephew? They stormed out and yelled that there really something wrong with me and that I should think about what I said.
I’ve been crying nonstop and have no clue what to do anymore. They don’t talk to me. And I’m stuck here with them until Friday.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your sister and mother are the ones that are ruining the vacation. You made these plans with your mother and then your mother just added your sister and kids without really talking to you (and that would have been an unfair discussion because how could you say no without being looked upon as selfish?).
The main thing is, you paid for this vacation and you should be able to spend it how you intended. Being the primary entertainer around the clock was not part of your plan. First of all your sister should pay half the cost of the vacation. She added three people and you should be compensated for it.
Second of all, you need to sit down with your mother and sister and talk to them, that this wasn’t a part of the plans, you had things planned for this vacation and there’s still time to do them. Even if you love your niblings that doesn’t mean you want to spend every minute with them on your vacation.
So make a plan for the rest of the vacation, including a schedule for childcare and childfree-time. Like you said, you’re stuck there until Friday, but that also still leaves a couple of days of vacation if you plan them well.
I’ve been both the childfree aunt that just gotten niblings pretty much dumped on me and now I have children of my own (which I DON’T just drop on someone else, they’re after all MY responsible first).
Also, when you come home from the vacation, have a separate conversation with your mother about how YOU need to be a priority when it’s YOUR vacation. Make it clear to her that you understand that she wants to help your sister but that can’t dictate every situation.
Good luck and I hope you can enjoy the last days of vacation.” Waste-Phase-2857
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There’s a distinct difference between playing with your nephew and babysitting him, and it seems like they’re selling you the latter as the former, which is not okay. This was supposed to be your and your mom’s vacation, and your sister is the one ruining it for you.
Go out. Find somewhere away from your family where you can spend a day or two alone with yourself – go to museums, or the beach, or the zoo, or just do some sightseeing.
You’re on vacation, and you deserve it. Pamper yourself.
There was a post a year or two ago by a woman who liked to take “reading vacations” – she’d go to a city she’d never been to before, find a nice café, and sit there to read a good book. The very idea sounds so awesome, I’m sad I didn’t have it myself.
If that’s something you’d like to do, why not try it? They’re not talking to you, so leave them behind.” HoldFastO2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m afraid you’ve got some very unequal relationships going on there. Over time you will need to start putting your foot down very hard and be very assertive that you are confident in your own opinions and decisions.
I’m glad you guys ended up arguing, I’m glad you said the truth. When you book a holiday without kids, it’s pretty crazy to then end up with kids and be expected to spend time with them when you were never even asked. They ignored your concerns as well and did nothing about it.
There are many things they have done to ignore you and then make you feel bad.
You can’t judge other people for having extra kids, it really is incredibly hard at the beginning but that’s just the way it is and I know it’s sad to see your sister get so tired and busy, but that’s her choice.
Anyway, that’s another subject, please stay strong and practice telling them the truth in the future before they start pushing you into things. It’s ok to want peace and quiet, to want to plan your own holiday the way you want, and to be upset when it’s all gone wrong. They need to realize that you are going to be confident in the future, and you will say no when you want to. You are your own person, not someone they molded.” islaisla
3. AITJ For Telling My Niece That She Had Potential?
“My (49) sister ‘Anne’ (54) has 2 daughters, including ‘Eva’ (28). I also have a daughter ‘Laura’ (24). Anne and I used to live a couple of streets apart when Eva was younger, so we would see each other a lot. Eva was always a sweet girl, but she was very quiet and shy (nothing wrong with that).
She didn’t have many friends even in her teen years. Eva studied at an Ivy League school which of course is impressive, and she is now working an entry-level job at a government agency. Laura was more social and very well-balanced with everything. She got a full ride to her school, and she kept it up and worked hard, so by the time she graduated, she had already been offered an internship under a close family friend of ours.
She’ll rise up the ranks pretty quickly as she continues, and we’re overall very proud of her. She has very recently gotten engaged to her partner ‘Tony’ (26), who’s a great, hard-working young man.
We celebrated Laura and Tony’s engagement at a party on Friday night, with mostly family and close friends of theirs.
Anne and her family were of course invited. Eva lives in a different state now as her job doesn’t offer much flexibility, but she’s currently visiting on a break, so she was also able to attend. Eva’s partner ‘John’ (early to mid-30s) came to visit with her so Laura told her to bring him too.
I chatted with him for a bit and found out that he’s an attorney, but he seemed pretty uptight and somewhat cold. My husband later introduced him to Tony, and Tony was gracious as always.
I was talking to Eva and she said she’s happy that everything’s working out so well for Laura.
I smiled and told her we were all very proud and happy for her. I added that she could’ve also had everything work out for her and she had a lot of potential too. Eva looked confused and asked what I meant, I said that I just meant that it’ll work out for her too.
She got very mad at me and said that she is fine with how she is, again I told her I didn’t mean it like that and not everyone goes at the same pace, and that’s fine. Eva brushed me off and she and John ended up leaving shortly after, saying that they had plans the next morning or something of that sort.
I guess Anne heard because she told me later that I overstepped, but I replied that it’s just the truth and it’s nothing bad. I talked to Laura and my husband about this and they both think I’m fine, but Eva was clearly mad at me.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Laura got everything handed to her and got a job due to a close family friend.
In other words, she’s riding her family’s coattails.
Eva on the other hand has worked for everything she’s got, got herself a nice job, an entry into an Ivy League school, and a loving partner.
I find it very telling how you instantly say that her partner is a lawyer as if that has anything to do with this story.
It is clear what you value in life; high-rank jobs, glamor, and glory. The only reason why you don’t like John is because to you, he seems uptight and somewhat cold.
Your favoritism is sickening. Breaking down Eva to build up Laura is disgusting. Everyone has their own achievements and you’re just trying to elevate Laura and her supposed achievements while failing to realize that she got things handed to her in her life.
Plus, you make it a point to say what jobs Eva and John do, but you fail to mention the jobs of Laura and her fiancé Tony.
Hard work is not the same as nepotism OP. Stop putting your daughter on a pedestal while kicking others down to make yourself feel better.
Eva has everything she wants in life. And if you’ve been talking like this throughout her childhood, I’m not surprised she never came over to visit you, or why her partner is so cold to you.” Shifting2Wolf
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
And you know it, don’t you?
You actually said to Eva who is 28 years old and already 4-5 years out of college, already been working all that time that “Oh things could have worked out for you, and you have so much potential.” Honey, come on! You don’t think that wasn’t low-key sly and rude? You’re 49 years of age and you act like this?
Eva getting into an IVY league hit a sore spot for you as you specifically mentioned it and how impressive it was, you seemed annoyed at that.
Because you didn’t mention the college your daughter got into just that she got a “full-ride” to “her school.” Interesting… Interesting…
And again, you mention that Eva has a partner and you specifically mention his job as an “attorney” even though you say he is cold, but the job gets mentioned… But you don’t mention your daughter’s man’s job just that he is “great and hardworking”…again…
Interesting… Interesting…
But the worst part all through this story is that Eva doesn’t sound horrible, I was sort of waiting for her to be mean, as maybe that’s why you spoke to her the way you did. But she wasn’t, she was complimentary of Laura’s life thus far and she doesn’t seem to hate Laura…So why did you get snarky and say what you did? And your Husband and Laura don’t think you did anything wrong, they both think that telling Eva at 28yrs old that “things could have worked out for you, and you have lots of potential” isn’t a snarky thing to say?
Do you all low-key hate Eva and have resentment toward her or something?
Yeah sweetie, you’re the jerk, but you knew exactly what you were saying and doing.” Plus_Pause4090
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Just saying “everything could’ve worked out for her and she had a lot of potential too” does give off the vibe that you think your daughter is doing so much better than Eva. It’s a comment that would have rubbed me the wrong way as well.
Especially since we have no indication that Eva is in any way unhappy with how her life is.
She’s worked hard, has a job and a partner, and hasn’t openly expressed any dissatisfaction with any of it, from what we read in your post.
It almost seems like YOU determined she must feel bad because YOU feel your daughter is doing so much better than her. Which is really just according to your own values and measuring stick and perspective.
Plus you even doubled down on it by saying you don’t mean it that way, but then go on to reinstate what you had just said earlier which does in fact reaffirm that you think your daughter is doing better in comparison and that Eva isn’t living up to her potential.
If Eva had confided in you that she was unhappy and uncertain about her path, then your comment would be warranted and maybe welcomed. But making that type of comment unprompted gives vibes that you are assuming how Eva felt about her life. Which is why she reacted the way she did.” Wondercat87
2. AITJ For Refusing To Use My Inheritance To Pay For My Fiance's Brother's Wife's IVF?
“I f32 have recently inherited from my mom. She was the only parent, and losing her is beyond devastating. The funds can barely be called inheritance because my mom and her family didn’t have much, but it’s better than nothing. My fiance at first said I deserved it and have the right to do whatever I wanted with it.
However, he told his whole family about it and then his infertile brother and his wife pulled him aside for a conversation. After that, he started talking about “wanting/needing” a nephew/niece, basically hinting about his brother’s infertility issues then flat-out requested that I pay for his brother and wife’s IVF treatment from my inheritance.
I was taken aback initially but then I declined. He got mad saying I was selfish because (1) He & I are blessed to never have issues with fertility, and (2) I literally have nothing to lose if I give them my inheritance…”easy funds” that I didn’t work for. This upset me to the point where I lashed out at him telling him to stop bothering and guilting me about it.
I denied the request as a final decision, but he got more agitated and went on a campaign to shame me for treating him as if he’s not my future husband and therefore gets a say/right to my inheritance and not giving a single crap about his family’s issues.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and frankly, his behavior would cause me a LOT of misgivings in terms of whether I wanted to continue the relationship.
That you inherited the funds really isn’t the issue; although, legally, that does mean it is totally yours, even if you were married (in most places).
However, even if you were married, he wouldn’t have the right to give a cent to his brother for any reason without your actual consent – i.e.
not coerced or forced. Major financial decisions are a joint decision, and the cost of fertility treatments is high, so that means that your finances would be severely impacted unless you had lots of inheritance – saving for a down payment; emergency savings; savings for children.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, an inheritance is not ‘easy funds.’ This inheritance has meaning to you.
You got it from your mom who has passed away, who was also your only parent. Please don’t feel pressured to spend these earnings on IVF for someone else. Buy something meaningful with the funds, that every time you see it, you think about your mother and what she means to you.” yellowroadcar
Another User Comments:
“If it was a lot of inheritance, I would probably say YTJ, but given as you said it’s really not much, NTJ. You need to care for yourself before you start taking care of others.” mbpaddington
1. AITJ For Not Letting My Step Sister Wear My Mom's Wedding Dress?
“I (16f) grew up without a father for a long time; it was just me and my mom. Last year, my mom got married to my stepdad, Brad. Brad has 2 kids Tessa (f26) and Jake (m18).
My dad passed away shortly after I was born, leaving my mom in mountains of debt.
The one thing she refused to sell was her wedding dress. She always talked about how it was her dream for me to get married wearing her dress or at least her veil. It’s a gorgeous simple white dress with a long lace veil. My dad had the dress hand-made and designed for my mom before their wedding.
When my mom remarried she still refused to sell the dress and got a new dress for her wedding to Brad. She always talks about that dress being mine.
Tessa got engaged last week. She was so excited to show off her ring and talk about her wedding plans. Tessa knows how much the dress means to me.
So while talking about her wedding with my mom and Brad, she threw out the idea of wearing the dress my mom saved for me at her wedding cause “It’ll save us so much.”
My mom brought up the fact that she wasn’t comfortable with that since she was saving the dress for me.
But Brad said my mom should agree since she now has two wedding dresses, and I can wear the other one. Tessa also pointed out that the dress would need so many alterations to even fit me since I’m much shorter than my mom and I’m not as thin as my mom.
Tessa also said it would be years before I’d need it, so it wasn’t gonna be an issue.
My mom was on the fence about it but Brad was all for it and pulled the dress out of storage and handed it to Tessa. I freaked out and grabbed the dress out of her hands.
I told her she wasn’t allowed to wear my mom’s dress and that she can get her own mom’s dress or buy her own but she wasn’t allowed to wear the dress my mom is saving for me.
I locked myself and the dress in my room. All day, my mom has been texting me and coming to the door asking me to come out and talk to her and Brad.
Brad has been calling me spoiled and selfish, saying that I’m acting like a huge brat. I just can’t let some stranger wear the only thing of my dad I have left.
I feel bad. Tessa is really upset she’s been crying and texting me asking me to apologize and give her the dress back.
I can’t tell if I’m in the wrong. Brad and Tessa think I’m being a jerk, but my stepbrother and friends agree that I should stand my ground.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She is trying to pull a power move. Sneak the dress out to someone you can trust to hold onto it for you.
Your mom needs to take the lead here and tell them no. Shut the argument down.
If she falters, “Why are you prioritizing her want of a free dress over the sentimental value it holds to me? If you give her the dress, I am telling you this will permanently damage our relationship, as you will be saying her wants are more important than my feelings.
She has two other dress options. There will be no coming back from this, this is the memory of my father. The way I know he can be there for my wedding. You are risking this to satisfy the tantrum of an adult who can take another dress or buy her own.”” Status-Pattern7539
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ but ESH (besides you).
Literally, why does Tessa need the ONE dress that has nothing to do with her? Why can’t she take the one that your mom wore to marry HER dad? Brad has zero to do with this; he needs to keep his opinions and his paws off the dress and your mom is the most disappointing of all.
She has promised you this dress. She knows what it means to you. Yet she isn’t standing up for you and trying to get you to come out and talk to everyone?
I wouldn’t trust Tessa or Brad as far as I could throw them. Also, the fact that the ONLY two people who are telling you that you’re being a jerk are them tells you everything.
Even your stepbrother says to stand your ground.
Please don’t leave the dress where Tessa or her stupid dad can get it. Give it to a family member you can trust. Don’t tell them where it is.
But do not keep it in that house. Seen it happen one too many times. They will try to steal it.” No_Valuable7712
Another User Comments:
“ESH, except your mom.
It’s her wedding dress to do with what she wants. Perhaps she always intended to save it for you, or maybe her plans changed over time. You have no idea because instead of talking to her about it you locked yourself in your room.
You need to be more mature and talk to your mom about the whole thing. If she sees your side, great! If not, then you’ll still be able to use the dress someday down the road, so it’s not the end of the world if your stepsister wears it.” Tmoran835
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