People Want Us To Scrutinize Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. WIBTJ If I Didn't Move In To Help My Brother With His Kids After His Wife Is Gone?
“In February, my brother’s wife passed away. My brother (27m) has 4 kids under the age of 5. Our dad (60m) has tried to help where he can but he can’t keep up with 4 young kids, he has already had a knee replacement a few years ago and his back is bad.
My brother and my dad want me (24m) to move in with him and act as a nanny and housekeeper.
I was asked because my sister (31f) and brother (30m) are married and have kids of their own and don’t live nearby.
My other sister (22f) is in her first year of law school. I’m about to graduate from university, I just finished my exams this week and I am done. I live with my dad and as of yet, I do not have a job lined up.
I have been searching but have not had any luck so far. According to my dad and my brother, this makes me an ideal candidate.
My brother cannot afford to hire a nanny or other help.
According to them, I would live with him and be able to eat the food and use the internet and toiletries. If I needed budget for other nominal items my dad would provide it.
But he has indicated he cannot afford to help my brother financially. My sisters and my brother cannot afford to either. They are not lying about that. No one has the means to help.
I’m the ‘only option’ as my dad and sisters and brother are unable and my brother’s wife’s mom is in the same boat as my dad. I’m the last relative left. My dad and brother are really pushing because of how desperate my brother is.
I have said no but it is like it’s fallen on deaf ears. I am being hit with the family helps each other and siblings loyalty angles. Would I be a jerk for turning my back on my brother and saying no to his request?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I recommend you start job hunting ASAP for a few reasons:
- it’s best not to leave too long an ‘unexplained’ gap in your life 2. so that you can fund your future
It sounds like the only explanation your family will accept that if you have other obligations.
This isn’t fair of them, but they’re grieving and desperate, and will end up seeing you as the bad guy for your refusal if you don’t have a ‘valid excuse’ in their eyes
if you did decide to help your brother, how long does the family expect you to do it? What happens if you land a job next month? Do they expect you to give it up in favor of being an unpaid, unlicensed nanny? If you got a job and then left, they’d still blame you for not helping your family.
If you got a job and didn’t take it, you’re still living a life where you’re unpaid and expected to be grateful for it because you don’t have rent or bills. What about savings? What about the things you want in life that cost money?
I don’t know if you want to go out, but if you do – how’s that going to factor into this? Will they expect you to put 4 small children ahead of your own life forever?
You’re a young guy fresh from university, and depending on your qualifications the job market is unpredictable.
Yes, it may take ages, but it may also happen v quickly. It took 3 months from graduation for me to get a full-time job (already had a part-time one to tide me over).
Meanwhile, my brother doesn’t graduate until the summer, and already has a job lined up. If you decide to help your brother you need to either get paid/have some kind of contract drawn up OR make it very clear to the family that you can only help out until you have a job of your own.
There’s a risk that, if he’s got you, your brother will never seek another solution” the_fatal_lozenge
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – you’re not wrong for wanting to not have that burden put on you.
But honestly, there are times when people need help. When times like this happen where 4 children have lost their mother under the age of 5 and a young father/husband has lost his wife sometimes we need to come together.
There’s this massive emphasis on living your truth and your own life etc. And whilst that is true we need to make sure we aren’t forgetting to help others. That putting yourself as number 1 all the time isn’t the right way to live.
It’s an easy way to live, but not the right way. It’ll be the downfall of the human race and society.
Your dad isn’t asking you to live there for the rest of the children’s lives and help them grow into adulthood.
He’s asking that during this intensely stressful time (a time you can’t even begin to empathize with only sympathize) you help out your brother and nephews/nieces.
Sometimes people genuinely need us. This is one of those times.
You don’t HAVE to do it, but who are you to ever ask for help when you need it afterward. Life is given and taken. Not give when it suits and take when I can.” cheesecakefairies
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ.
You will not have the time to search for a job, interview, etc if you are living with your brother watching the kids. I say that as a Mom — 4 kids under 5 will require constant vigilance and there will not be time to actually look for a job.
As desperate as your brother is, you can not sacrifice your long-term future for your brother. So, this is what I would suggest. Obviously, your father can not provide full-time care and if your sister is in law school she can not do it full time.
But, what if your father was to provide care 3 days per week while your brother worked, you were to provide care 2 days per week while you search for a job until your sister finishes her first year of law school.
Once she finishes that, she is on the hook for 1 day per week of childcare and you are on the hook for 1 day per week of childcare while your Dad continues to assume 3 days per week.
You say that your brother and sister do not have the finances to help. Well, EVERYONE needs to pitch in to help in a situation like this. So, if they can not help watch the kids, they help pitch in some cash to maybe pay for a sitter for a couple of hours each day that your Dad is there to do something active with the kids.
But, no. this whole burden should not fall on you. You are just starting your life as an adult.” thingsarelookingup2
14. AITJ For Giving Inheritance To One Of My Children?
“When my uncle passed away late last year, he left me $40K ‘for my children.’ He didn’t leave instructions on how to divide it. I have two children 42M and 38F. My children lead very different lives.
My daughter (38F) was always ambitious and has a successful career, a husband who also works, and two beautiful children. $20K, which would be half of the inheritance, would probably go into the kids’ education fund but the money wouldn’t have a big impact on their life.
My son (42M) chose a more humble career in the trades but is very family-focused. He and his wife (who runs an in-home daycare for extra income) have 6 beautiful children. Half the inheritance would have a profound effect on their lives – they could buy a new vehicle, fix the leaky roof, fix the furnace, and have a bit of funds left over for the kids.
The whole inheritance would mean all this plus some education savings for their kids, and enough to take a family vacation. Something my daughter does with her kids at least once a year, but my son has never been able to afford.
It kills me to see his kids jealous of their cousins. I hate that my son’s kids are hesitant to ask for things because they know finances are often tight. I help them when I can, but I only have so much extra.
So without any real direction, I gave the whole inheritance to my son. I feel he needs it more. My daughter found out and she’s upset. She thinks that if we couldn’t have halved things, they should have been divided up between my grandkids, so her family got at least something.
I disagreed, her kids already have a huge advantage. My siblings are siding with my daughter, saying it’s not fair, and I get that, it’s not fair. I don’t think I’m a jerk, I’m only doing what is equitable.
Fair isn’t always equitable.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – children is plural not singular. You did not respect the wishes of your uncle. He wanted the moolah to go to your children (both of them). And, once again the child who succeeded, is fiscally more solvent, and is able to take care of their children without assistance is overlooked for their sibling who is less successful, more financially vulnerable, and unable to provide for his children at the preferred level gets the bonus.
It irks me. That $20k could mean a travel opportunity for your grandchildren or could go towards a vehicle, or maybe a wedding, or an advanced degree, or could be passed to their own children.
$20k is a bonus that anyone would want for their children.” Historical-Ad1493
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Did you ever think your son’s children struggle a lot more due to the fact that they have 6 of them? They chose the life they do and to have a bigger family.
Also, an at-home daycare can obtain a ton of extra funds.
Of course, your daughter is able to provide more and do things, she has only 2.
You are saying she is successful and has a husband who works, when your son may have a humble job, so he isn’t successful?
Either way, it’s not your daughter’s fault her brother chose to have 6 kids and work whatever job he has.
I’m sure he was given the same opportunities as she. So it is fair that she can provide her kids with more. His kids may be jealous but that’s not on your daughter or her kids.
You have no real clue about either kid’s finances to know that your daughter doesn’t need it. You don’t know if your son’s finances are, he could be a saver who prefers not to waste moolah because he has six kids to support.
Your uncle left the money to both your kids and you decided that your son deserves it more based on your assumptions, but I think it’s more because you favor him more for his choices.” McflyThrowaway01
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and if what you did to her affects her like it did when my family did the exact thing to me then don’t be surprised when she goes low to no contact with you.
It’s not about the moolah, it’s about treating your children equally. Sounds like your son made poor choices and had kids he could not afford. How is that your daughter’s fault?… you punish her for making responsible choices… you also didn’t think ahead.
I’ll tell you how this goes… When you get old enough to land in a hospital or need someone responsible to make sure you don’t get abused in a nursing home you’re probably going to call your daughter, most people think their daughters will care for them.
Many families with spoiled sons are shocked when their sons are useless to them later in life. Your daughter will not fight for you because you treated her so poorly.
Your daughter will not care when you are losing your house because of catastrophic medical bills… she will say ‘call your son.’
She will not care when you land in a nursing home or hospital and need to figure out how to pay for it because insurance is confusing… ‘call your son’.
She will not care when you die and your son desperately needs financial help or a loving sister to help him through a difficult decision because you will have destroyed her relationship with her brother through your favoritism, and she will have no feelings except resentment. Good job.” sewswithswearwords
13. AITJ For Being Insulted That My Sister Called Me Gay?
“I (30m) have been together with my partner Linda (29f) for over 4 years and planning to purpose. My entire life I have been very private about my relationships since my family would get very nosy.
This weekend, I have invited my family and my partner out for dinner which I was comfortable covering. During the entirety of the dinner, my sister Chloe (34f) wouldn’t stop calling me gay. She has been persuaded that I am gay since I was 16 and would always say something about it.
This time she was saying how I’m using my partner as a cover and that I don’t need to be hiding this as they are all family. I have asked her multiple times to stop as her saying all of this was making my partner really uncomfortable and it felt like she was disrespecting her and our relationship since I’m a straight man.
My sister however wouldn’t stop and got it too far by saying I’m in a secret relationship with one of my best friends, which nearly made my partner cry.
I had enough of this, took my partner, left more than enough amount to cover the bill for myself and Linda, and left.
This also means my family now has to cover their own food and drinks.
After we left they would bombard me with messages and calls saying I’m a jerk who can’t take a joke and for leaving them to pay for the dinner when I have invited them out.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“OP, your family just did you a HUGE favor! By revealing their true toxic selves in front of your fiancé, you can now exclude them all from your wedding. With the funds you save, your honeymoon can be that much better.
Also, think of the countless hours of phone calls and visits that can now be used to spend time with your wife, future children (should you choose to have any), pursuing hobbies, or just watching YouTube videos! All-time much better spent.
You MUST cut these toxic people out of your life, not just your sister, but your parents as well. They more than enabled her. They will ruin your marriage if you continue to have a relationship with them.
You may have to do damage control with your fiancé.
Hopefully, she knows your well enough to know you’re really not a closeted gay man. You may need to have her speak with your best friend, and maybe limit contact with him.
If you allow your fiancé/wife to continue to be subjected to your family’s toxicity, your will be the Ahole. But for now, definitely NTJ.” Ok_Finance_5188
Another User Comments:
“Your sister was trying to ruin your relationship.
She couldn’t stop after you asked her and it was clear and obvious it was making your partner uncomfortable. Maybe it would be best to go to no contact since they are defending your sister’s actions.
Also, she tried to accuse you of infidelity which even if you were was none of her business.
Also, let’s just say if you were gay. Just saying. Who cares? Love is love. You can love who you want.
If your sister can’t be supportive towards anyone you love and not mention anything that may hurt your relationship then she’s not a good older sister. She’s a middle-aged adult acting like a teenager and on the border of being homophobic.
Tell your sister and family to grow up and you’re NTJ and your future fiancé are lucky to have you since your willingly going to defend her. If she does say yes in the future op congratulations.” Infamous_fire94
Another User Comments;
“NTJ.
The ‘joke’ has gone on for 14 years, and you’ve told her to stop for that long. If that joke was still funny, if it ever was at all, someone (namely: you) would be laughing.
But no one was. Because It wasn’t a joke. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, so why is it funny to hide something for so many years that doesn’t need to be hidden?
Your sister is just, for some reason, obsessed with the idea of you being gay.
Maybe she’s desperate for a fabulous gay male company in her life, or she’s closeted and projecting, who even knows. Whatever the reason, she has no business continually pushing her delusions on real-life people.
It’s disrespectful to you and your girl, and your explicit wishes for her to stop that line of conversation. Not to mention it’s just rude and nosy and obnoxious.
If she can’t shut up about this every time she sees you, maybe it’s time to just… not see her.” fmlwhateven
12. AITJ For Calling The Cops On My Neighbor Who Was Cleaning At 1 AM?
“I am a nurse whose hours vary depending on the hospital and my actual hours of supposed work. Sometimes my hours are normal times 9 am to 11 pm and sometimes they can be unforgivable times such as 2-am 4 am onwards lol.
I’m used to working unrealistic times and my previous neighbors are used to and are respectful of my hours, knowing what my job is.
However, I had to move hospital due to moving house across the state.
I moved into a duplex that at first I didn’t think would be a problem because. I was in a unit complex previously and thought this would mean I wouldn’t disturb the neighbors as much.
However, I was wrong these neighbors play loud music and clean until the very early almost every night (as early as 3_4am in the morning) and no matter how many times I and our other neighbors have said something to them or called the housing people they say they don’t care.
The lack of sleep was starting to really affect my work to the point where my boss was starting to worry about me. It finally got to a point where I and our neighbors called the police and now because of the previous complaints and police having to come to deal with them ( before I came into the neighborhood) they are facing eviction.
They are blaming me saying that because of me they are going to be homeless with a young child (9yrs old) and I should feel guilty. I said I tried so many times to sort it out before complaining but they never listen and they said they shouldn’t have to because it’s their house.
I said it wasn’t my problem and they should have more respect for their neighbors. AITJ?
EDIT: It’s not the police evicting. It’s the housing people it’s because the police have been so many times for the same complaints.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – without knowing if your duplex has noise ordinance rules, they at least should have demonstrated human decency, not to mention their kid cannot be getting the healthy sleeping hours they need if the parents are blasting music.
Sleep deprivation, for both the kid as well as neighbors, is a serious thing. Short term it can be damaging for performance, which can have long-term consequences both for health and in terms of work/everyday life.
People can be so exhausted from lack of sleep they end up in traffic accidents. You, a nurse, could be so sleep-deprived that you have issues at work, and that could be dangerous.
They’re not in trouble because of you.
They did something they shouldn’t, repeatedly, you and your neighbors tried to sort it out privately, and they told you they didn’t care. What they’re experiencing are the consequences of their own actions, rather than all of you (and others), paying the price.
ETA: Forgot to mention, if people perform badly at work due to repeated lack of sleep, they risk losing that job. That would mean they risk being homeless and jobless, and the noise-makers don’t seem to care about that, nor any of the other serious consequences mentioned.” NeuroticAttic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
They broke the law with full intent to cause problems for everyone like you and are now finally made to pay for it. They are just finding someone to blame and you happen to be one they feel easy target.
Ignore them and hope wherever they go they meet people worse than them so they’ll finally learn how trashy they are and turn over a new leaf.” denasher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We all know living in a duplex, apartment, condos, even in an SFH, there’s a certain noise level you have to be willing to accept, but with that, each family has to also be respectful of their noise levels.
If you have talked to them before, along with the other neighbor, then this is on them. If they want to be loud, they need to move to more of a country environment. And that poor child, how are they getting a good night’s sleep for school?” curlyg1rl
11. AITJ For Giving A $50 Tip?
“Back in February, I entered a contest through my tattoo shop in honor of their business anniversary. They were giving away a free 6-hour session. I hadn’t planned on getting a new tattoo anytime soon as I know I’m about to be moving in a few months and I’ve been putting away moolah.
I entered this drawing for fun not thinking I’d ever win and then I did!
Even though I am getting this for free, I still planned on tipping. Unfortunately, since I was announced as the winner back at the beginning of March, I’ve gotten injured and my finances have taken a huge hit due to being in and out of work and medical expenses.
(Not sure if it’s important but I am dealing with knee problems yet to be resolved due to several falling instances, I have crutches and a brace and I’m still limping from my injuries.) My tattoo session is this week and I really cannot spare more than $50 for a tip now since my last few paychecks have been cut down to 20 hours.
I’m the only one with an income currently since my partner is a student and it was a fine arrangement before my injury. I feel like just giving my artist $50 is a slap in the face and just lame honestly.
I’m not sure what I can do. Should I give him $50 now and when my finances even out again I can give him more? Is that tacky or rude? I honestly hate that I’m in this situation and I would never tip so little normally, even for something I won and am getting for free.
A friend of mine said I should reschedule for when I’m better off financially because it would be a jerk thing to do. I’m considering doing that because I just feel like otherwise, it’s rude.
He said that a $50 tip is insulting even if I did win a free session and if I can’t afford the tattoo I shouldn’t get it. Like I said previously, I hadn’t planned on getting a tattoo anytime soon until I won, and when I won I still had the intention of giving an appropriate tip.
I kind of agree that I should push it back until I can afford more but at the same time I’m moving in a few months and might not get the chance to redeem my free session if I cancel it now.
I’m at a crossroads and don’t know what I should do. WIBTJ if I tipped what I can afford right now and tip more later on?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You entered a CONTEST for a free 6-hour tattoo session.
If you had the extra cash lying around for a tattoo, you probably wouldn’t have entered the contest.
AND YOU WON!! It BENEFITS THE TATTOO SHOP AS FREE ADVERTISING. (Also, it’s unlikely you’re getting the most experienced person in the shop doing the 6-hour tat, free tats are often done by someone new to the tattoo shop.)
So, tip your $50 tip!!!! If you feel the need to tip MORE in the future, feel free to do so.” FashionBusking
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you won a free tattoo.
It was a contest and they shouldn’t expect anything from you in return.
I know the US can be different but I have 8 tattoos and I have never tipped nor been expected to.
At the end of the day, you need to do what you feel comfortable doing but a $50 tip on a tattoo seems more than reasonable to me.” NoitsBecky06
Another User Comments:
“In the UK, we don’t tip like your guys do.
In fact, we would probably just round up the cost of a tattoo to the nearest ten if we felt like tipping. So it’s not expected. To change my mindset to American I would say 50 dollars is reasonable as that’s around 15% of the cost of the tattoo. This is a prize therefore a tip is not even expected. NTJ. Enjoy your tattoo.” TaintedPinkXoX
10. AITJ For Getting Angry At My Husband Who Told Our Child Her Nanny Doesn't Love Her?
“So my 3 yo daughter’s nanny passed away a couple of weeks ago from an accident while she was traveling to see her family. It was horrible because she’s pretty young and my daughter has known and loved her almost all her life.
My husband and I work most of the time so her nanny had a huge role in our daughter’s everyday life.
I kept stressing out about how to break the news to her, kids her age consider death a foreign thought so I decided to wait to do some digging to come up with the best way to tell her.
Well, my husband went behind my back and told her that the reason her nanny is no longer around is because she was upset with her and no longer loves her. It was shocking to find out about what he said, our daughter broke down and kept crying non-stop.
I flipped tf out at my husband but he defended himself by saying that our daughter kept asking about her (the nanny), and he thought that the confusion our daughter felt because of the nanny’s absence was impacting her emotionally.
I told him he didn’t even say the nanny passed away but he said that he intended to say what he said to get our daughter to move on quickly – I said it’s horrible because she now keeps asking if we hate her too and if we’d leave her if we get mad at her for something she does.
He said it’s just a phase apparently, and that I was overreacting big time. he then ranted about how I’m basically always against him, criticizing his parenting decisions and not trusting him.
We kept fighting about this for hours.
I took my daughter and went to my sister since I had to go back to work and needed someone to stay with her. My husband is so upset about that and said I flew off the handle and was probably butthurt cause I didn’t get the chance to come up with my own story as to why the nanny is no longer around.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your husband was 100% in the wrong. Children have a hard time comprehending the permanency of ‘death’, which is why you have to give it to them straight. You can’t say ‘passed away’ or ‘gone to heaven’ even though those sound nicer to our delicate ears.
You take her aside and say, ‘Nanny was in a car accident. Her body got so hurt it could not get better. She’s gone. Passing away is like going to sleep and not waking up again.
Nanny loved you very much, and it is okay to miss her because she won’t come back.’
Then you deal with the questions and fall out by answering honestly. Your husband’s way can give your kid abandonment fears and problems associated with conditional love etc.
And those last a long time — even into adulthood, especially if they are learned early. He was being lazy by trying to find a quick way to get over the problem and move on.” julgwill
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s hard to adequately explain how monumentally bad the husband’s actions and justifications are.
He knew how important the nanny is to his daughter because she was constantly asking about her whereabouts.
Due to her circumstances including her age, outright saying to OP’s daughter ‘she passed away in a car accident and is never coming back’ is difficult for a 3-year-old to process.
Instead of saying she was ‘unavailable’ (for any number of reasons; when Garry Kasparov’s father passed away when he was about 7 he pretended his father was unavailable and on a long work trip), the father chose to say the nanny was upset and no longer loved her.
Although passing away is hard to process for a toddler, love, and hate aren’t. So the child of course would think that someone important no longer liked them and it was their fault. Of course, she’d start crying and asking if her parents still loved her.
Okay, father was careless and did what he did ‘at the moment’… but he then proceeded to double down on his actions, by downplaying his actions and saying her acting traumatized is just a ‘phase’.
He also made no attempt to comfort her and say no no the nanny loved you, she’s ‘in a better place now’ or some other phrase…
When confronted about his actions, he played the victim and refused to apologize and take responsibility for his actions.
He then ranted about how I’m basically always against him, criticizing his parenting decisions and not trusting him.
About the only thing, he got right was the idea that a 3-year-old is not going to understand and process death well.
But dad proceeds to then, as Redditors point out, lie and traumatize an impressionable toddler. And is unapologetic about his actions.” Lilpanda20
Another User Comments:
“Okay, her missing the nanny isn’t a phase, but her being upset that the nanny hates her is? She would have moved on from the nanny eventually, the kid’s 3.
Your husband made it harder her your kid. At least she’d know the nanny didn’t want to leave her. Now she’ll have conflicting thoughts of invalidating herself and her feelings for still loving someone that hated her and can’t talk about it with that person because that person is dead.
There is no closure in any of that for her.
Now she’s emotionally scarred and scared you don’t love her anymore (NOT A PHASE IT’S TRAUMA). The nanny acted in love towards your daughter this whole time.
Now, dad is saying she can’t trust that behavior to know for sure if anyone actually loves her or not. No wonder she is so scared and anxious now.
Your husband’s feelings < your daughter having attachment issues because of this
You wouldn’t have to go against his parenting if he trusted you enough to discuss his actions beforehand.
He didn’t tell you because he thought he could/should handle it himself. You’re supposed to be a team, but he felt the need to prove something at your daughter’s expense. NTJ.” Tricky_Bat_5588
Another User Comments:
“‘I kept stressing out about how to break the news to her, kids her age consider passing away a foreign thought so I decided to wait to do some digging to come up with the best way to tell her.’
I don’t know how much they consider it a foreign thought.
I mean, they can’t understand it like we can, to be sure, but in my own experience, my 3-year-old seems to have been able to manage the concept of passing away in his own way for, like, months now.
He didn’t lose anybody he knew, but my grandparents’ generation has been dying off over the last 3 years, and I’ve taken him to every funeral, and for the last two he was between 2.5 and 3 years old, so old enough to need an explanation as to what was going on.
He happened to love the story of Snow White and I realized that had a casket in it so I explained things to him in those terms – in Snow White, they think she is dead so they put her in a casket; then she comes back to life so she wasn’t really dead, but when people really die they don’t come back to life and we put their bodies in a casket and then put them in the ground.
Aunt Evelyn is dead so we’re going to the funeral and this is what’s going to happen, etc.
Anyway, all this to say he’s clearly incorporated this into his view of the world. Who knows how much he understands, but he’ll often decree a toy is dead, put them in a box, put the box on the floor ‘in the ground’ and we’ll throw Duplo at it (=flowers) and mourn the toy.
He doesn’t seem particularly traumatized or confused.
Now in your child’s case, it’s different of course because it’s someone he knows. It is legitimately traumatizing that he’ll never see this person again. But I think he can understand just fine that he’ll never see this person again.
And that this thing called ‘death’ is the cause, and it happens under these circumstances, and it’s extremely sad when it does, and that these are the rituals we have around this event and what he can expect to happen next/how he should act.
Anything beyond that I suppose would be his own processing and would depend on what questions he asks (does he seem worried it might happen to him? To you, and to what would happen to him then? Does he wonder what happens after someone’s gone? etc).
Anyway, NTJ, what your husband did was horrible. Like, I’m thinking ‘what’s wrong with him’-levels of horrible. Maybe you should all see a grief counselor or child psychologist so you can get on the same page as to how it’s appropriate to talk to a child about these things. I think the child’s close caregiver dying would be justification enough to do that anyway.” Lennvor
9. AITJ For Getting A Service Animal Despite My Family's Disapproval?
“I was a kid that came from a rough home. When I was 15, CPS got involved and in order to keep from getting in trouble, my parents sent me to live with my maternal grandparents.
Although I am grateful to them for taking me in, some of their actions were also traumatizing and they were very unsupportive throughout the entire process of trying to pick myself back up… refusing to believe that I was abused, had PTSD, or that their precious daughter wasn’t who she said she was.
Even after I left for college, this was still a consistent theme when speaking with them.
By the time I was in my first semester of college, I had begun to see that I had serious issues – I was unable to be social, be touched by anyone, and constantly felt awful.
I had massive panic attacks and at one point, my friend had to come to take me home. I tried absolutely everything to feel better… healthy eating, exercise, hobbies, balancing my schedule, therapy, medication management, etc…
and nothing seemed to be working. So when my therapist brought up getting a PSA (psychiatric service animal), I jumped on the idea- it seemed to be exactly what I need and in the hopes of becoming a functional person again, I sent out applications to a few organizations.
My grandparents (the ones who took me in) were less than pleased with my decision, though. My grandmother has always hated dogs due to a past traumatic event of her own, meaning no one else in the house could be around one without an ‘Ewwww, it’s dirty and gross’.
And for a long time, I’ve respected that and haven’t even brought up the idea of getting a dog. And if I didn’t feel this was necessary, I wouldn’t be bothering to apply.
My grandmother says that I shouldn’t bring a dog into her house because I know why she dislikes dogs.
And so long as I’m under her roof, the dog would be living with her for four months out of the year during college breaks.
On the other hand, while I completely understand her issues with a dog, she refuses to see a therapist or attempt to get help.
Applying to get a service dog means that if I’m approved, I would be receiving the dog in about two years… so I would NOT be living in her house and would only be bringing the dog for the short periods that I visit (and I don’t particularly want to visit often).
I get her side of the story, I do. But the idea that she, and the rest of my family, are attempting to deny me yet another therapeutic tool sickens me after I’ve tried so hard to fix what they broke.
Am I the jerk for knowing she doesn’t want me to get a service dog and going for it anyway?
EDIT: While I am applying for the service dog today, all of the paperwork and training would take about two years.
At this point, I will be living on my own and only bringing the dog home for brief visitation (EX: Christmas). My grandmother is convinced that the dog will be living under her roof for four months out of the year because she doesn’t understand the amount of training or length of the process.
I cannot convince her otherwise.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You deserve support, but not necessarily from her. I think many posters here could benefit from learning you can’t expect support from everyone. You have to identify who you can go to, and even then it’s better to handle your business without expecting support or validation.
I don’t know if there’s a reason you had to tell her, but you can’t make her supportive or caring. I wouldn’t continue to engage unless there’s something you actually need from her. You deserve respect and support, so spend your energy on people who give you those things.
And as much as possible, handle your business on your own and only involve others where it concerns them.” ifnotdaythen
Another User Comments:
“I have to say very gentle YTJ.
Even if you move out, you still plan to bring the dog back for visitations, knowing your grandma hates dogs.
If it is a brief visitation (ie a few hours) the dog should be able to stay ‘home’ (where ever you are sleeping) until you get done, then you can go back.
I would also have waited to tell them about getting the dog until AFTER you were approved and well on your way in the process, meaning you were already moving out of the house.” DiegoIntrepid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You obviously can’t have one at grandma’s, but you won’t. However, the program is unlikely to accept you until you are actually not living there. Just don’t talk about it to her. Let them all think you have given up the idea.
See if you can apply, and get on with your life.
However, service dogs aren’t magic. They are in addition to other treatments. Just a part of the treatment plan. It’s way more complicated than most think.
Also, ‘comfort, companionship, and support’ don’t count for service dogs in the US.” Neenknits
Another User Comments:
“Gently, YTJ. Not for getting a therapy animal, but because you plan to bring your animal to her house, going specifically against her wishes and request.
Also, you’re putting your trauma above hers, which isn’t fair or appropriate. Trauma isn’t a ‘mine is a bigger deal than hers,’ which is exactly what you are doing.
A person’s home should be their safe space, and you are taking that away from her.” mini_mimi_mouse
8. AITJ For Giving My Son's New Bike Away?
“So recently I found out my son ‘Jacob’ (15) pulled an incredibly cruel ‘prank’ on one of the girls I’ll call ‘Ashley’ that’s in his friend group. I know this girl, she’s been to our house and even attended Jacob’s birthday party a month ago.
She seemed incredibly sweet if not a bit shy. So when my oldest son ‘Mark’ (17) came to me and told me Jacob had asked Ashley out on a date as a prank I was stunned.
I, of course asked how he could know this, hoping as any mother would that it wasn’t true. But Mark showed me the family tablet we all use (but mostly my sons do) and it seems Jacob forgot to log out of his chatting app, discord.
I read the long series of messages between Jacob and his friends as they mocked Ashley all through this heartless prank. I was speechless. And that’s not even getting into HOW he was talking like he was some thug and not a 15-year-old living in a gated community.
At first, I couldn’t figure out what to do, or how to proceed. I’ll admit that I never once imagined either of my boys would be the type of person to do something like that.
But there was no way I was letting this go. So after a day of thought, I decided what was going to happen. First things first, he was grounded, for how long I’m not sure.
Secondly, I’d gotten Jacob a bike for his birthday but it hadn’t arrived until the day previous and I’d planned to give it to him when my parents came to visit since they’d been unable to make his party.
But instead of that I showed him I knew about the ‘prank’ and told him he was grounded, then I made him carry the new bike out of my bedroom closet and to the car before driving to Ashley’s house, him crying the whole way.
I’d called her parents earlier and explained everything and so once we got there, I had him cart it to their front porch and ring the bell. Then in front of me, Ashley, her parents, and God, I had him give a sincere apology and gift her the bike.
Even I apologized to her, saying I didn’t raise my boy this way and what he did was unforgivable. I also called the parents of the other boys who were a part of this little stunt and they all seemed rightfully horrified by their sons’ involvement.
I felt I’d handled this all as best as I could, and my friends agreed. Though once my parents found out that I’d made Jacob give his birthday gift away, they said what I did went too far.
I still feel like what I did was right but having my parents more or less dogpile on me like this actually, made me wonder if how I handled it was too extreme? AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“Ahhhh, everyone sucks here.
A couple of things – Jacob was cruel, you made the right call regarding bike and grounding.
Here’s the issue – you seem content to stop there.
He clearly has issues. Either this is a deeper problem like misogyny, or he’s being a bully.
whatever it is, you’re going to need to deal with the roots, not just the leaves.
You need to sit him down and understand why he chose to do what he did. Was this a decision he was the ringleader for? Was he convinced to do it by someone else? Whatever the answer to those questions, why did he go through with it? Why was Ashley chosen as the target?
You say you raised him better, so what is going on in his life that caused him to act the way he did?
I suspect he may also need to see a therapist depending on his answers to your questions.
Another note:
And that’s not even getting into HOW he was talking like he was some thug and not a 15-year-old living in a gated community
This bit struck me a bit off. It may just be a thoughtless turn of phrase, but it feels like a comment about how your son should be better than what he did because of his wealth and where he lives.
Now, I don’t know if this is a mindset you actually have. But thoughtless comments like this that you don’t think of may well help shape his worldview – which is to say, if he’s better than the people you think of as ‘thugs’ because he ‘lives in a gated community,’ it’s not difficult to say how he’d have gone from there to ‘I’m better than other people, like Ashley,’ especially if she is from a different economic background than you guys.
Again, not saying this is what you actually believe. What I am saying is you may want to look at the way you react as well and consider whether there are any perspectives you hold that may have inadvertently contributed to his actions and that you should change as well.
You’ve taken the first steps by punishing him, but leaving it there would be dangerous. You need to take steps to properly address his behavior, not just punish him, and until that happens, everyone sucks here.” rishcast
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for sure, and good on you for not letting this one go like so many others might, but two things:
It does seem a bit odd to take the measure of giving the bike to the girl, instead of returning it to the shop.
It places the victim of this bullying behavior in an awkward position and may increase the likelihood of resentment toward her from your son, displacing the real focus of the issue back onto her instead of him.
Punishment is a much smaller and less important aspect of the situation than teaching your son about empathy in an ongoing way. Perhaps this is something you already do, however, you should be looking for every opportunity to speak to your son about how he thinks other people feel in real or imagined situations.
For example, if you see something while out in public happening to a stranger, or in a movie or on TV, Do you often take the opportunity to talk to him about what he thinks of behaviors that are antisocial that are often depicted in media? Do you talk to him about your own experiences with bullying and young boys when you were growing up? Kids need to be taught empathy and asking them to put themselves in other people’s positions and to actively think of what it might feel like to be in those situations is important.
Stay the course, mama, you’re doing a great job. I’m sure he will grow up to be a decent man one day and learn from this experience. So many kids do awful, heartless things.
Don’t feel like you’ve failed in any way because you haven’t. You are doing parenting right. Well done.” Wonderwoman_420
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. He deserved a harsh punishment, but you made this poor girl a spectacle.
His apology meant nothing with his mommy there forcing it. Instead, it was probably a very embarrassing situation having to stand in front of both of their parents and accept a fake apology and a bike she probably didn’t even want.
Now that you’ve told all of the other boy’s parents, they’re going to make her the enemy. That’s only going to make the bullying worse. There are much better ways to teach your son empathy, without making her collateral damage.
Ground him, find a book that tells what bullying is like from the victim’s view, have him, volunteer, at a suicide prevention hotline, and have him speak to a mental health professional about what they see from the victims of bullying every day.
Most importantly, get to the bottom of why he felt this was an appropriate thing to do. Why is he so desperate for the approval of others? Also, stop acting like being wealthy makes him above doing stupid nonsense.
You claim to have raised him better, but you need to take a hard look at how you treat and talk about others. Children are taught empathy by example.” crazymamallama
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because this totally was about you trying to cover your own butt and prove that you’re a good parent, and not at all taking into consideration how Ashley felt.
You’re basically saying ‘I know my son did a really cruel, mean thing to you, so to make up for it, I’m going to do something cruel and mean to him in front of you!’
I think giving the bike away and especially the way you had him do it was too much.
It’s only going to make him more angry and resentful towards you, which might cause him to act out even more later. Granted, you didn’t destroy the bike (or any of his other possessions I’m assuming), but from what you described, what you did makes you sound like a bully raising another bully.
Also, did Ashley say anything about wanting a bike? Did she seem excited to get the bike? If the answer is no, you basically wasted your money giving the bike to someone who most likely wouldn’t use it, and it would just sit in the garage for many years before eventually being thrown away.” Cut-Unique
7. AITJ For Getting Financial Help From My Parents?
“So I (25M) live in a house that my dad built for me. He saw the current housing crisis Canada is facing coming years ago and scooped up a piece of land for cheap and gave it to me when I graduated college.
I think he would have done this anyway since he runs his own homebuilding business and I think it’s always been his dream to build a house for his kid. Not having a mortgage has meant that I’ve been able to save a lot, start-up investments, save for retirement, etc.
I don’t think I’d be in the financial position I am now otherwise since I had a hard time finding work in my field until a couple of years ago. Now I have an amazing job in my field and I’m financially stable.
Again all thanks to my parents.
So what’s the problem?
Well, most of my friends did not have much support from their parents and most of them had to move out at 18. Now with housing costs and inflation running out of control in this country, they’re living paycheck to paycheck.
They’ve started to distance themselves from me which has really taken a toll on my mental health, especially after 2 years of the health crisis and not seeing anyone besides my close family, I need some social time.
I was getting frustrated that they never seemed to invite me out anymore and always said no when I invited them to stuff so I finally had to ask what was up and told them I was really feeling lonely.
The response I got was shocking. I don’t remember the exact wording but the general message was something like ‘Oh boo hoo you’re lonely, we don’t have rich parents that buy us whatever we want so we’re out here working two jobs so we don’t become homeless and starve to death.
It’s not that we don’t want to see you it’s that we literally can’t afford it but you’re so detached from reality that you can’t see that.’ To be clear it’s not like I’m inviting them on expensive outings I just wanna get together and do something.
Now here’s where I may be the jerk. From the perspective of my friend,s it probably does look like my parents pay for my entire lifestyle, which they don’t. Yeah, they gave me a HUGE leg up by giving me my house so I don’t have to worry about a mortgage but I still pay the bills on it.
What probably doesn’t help my case though is that I have bought some toys for myself since I can afford them. I have an old boat that I fixed up and keep in the local marina and a fairly new snowmobile that I take on trips in the wintertime.
I post about these things on my Instagram from time to time because they’re my hobbies, that’s what Instagram is for. But I’m sure from the perspective of my friends it looks like I’m flashing my parents’ money on there so it’s no wonder they resent me when they’re struggling financially and then my dumb butt calls them up on the weekends like ‘hey guys wanna go party?’
I don’t know if the jerk is really the right word but is it really that out of touch for me to still want to do fun things with my friends despite our vastly different financial situations?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Life over the last 3ish months has got incredibly expensive, even people that work multiple jobs full time are struggling to afford 2 meals a day. When you are hungry, when you are worried they are going to cut your heating and electricity etc going out with your rich friend really isn’t something that brings you happiness.
In fact, some might be angry you’ve asked because they feel insulted that you can think about going out when they can only think about their next meal.
Maybe they also just mean they are exhausted between multiple jobs.
Maybe they assumed you wanted to buy food or something that costs money?
Communicate with them, and ask what the issue is. But don’t get mad at them for being burnt out, a lot of people are right now.
You aren’t the jerk because how should you know what it’s like when you’ve been handed life on a plate.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it sounds like you are just living your life, not rubbing your good fortune in anyone’s face.
However, you might want to make a point of coming up with no-cost activities and inviting your friends. Ask them to come over and you’ll provide dinner and play board games or watch a movie, or meet at the park to play basketball or Frisbee.
Not everything has to cost money.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I understand where your friends are coming from but I can’t say I necessarily agree with the way they handled it. They could’ve said something about how they were feeling rather than just blowing up at you and kind of implying that you’re a spoiled brat which doesn’t sound like the case at all here.
From your post and comments, it sounds like you do work for what you have you were just given a massive head start in life and it sounds like you are well aware of the fact that your life experience is not normal and how privileged you are which is the exact opposite of being a spoiled brat.
It sounds like you’re just living your life the way you want to which is awesome but because of the current situation your friends sort of took it out on you because you don’t seem to be affected by it.
I’m sort of in a similar situation to you. I’ve been more successful in life than most of my friends and it has caused a bit of friction here and there but for the most part, they’re happy for me.
Your friends should be too cause that’s what friends do they support each other! But as a fellow Canadian, I know how quickly things are going down here and I can understand where they’re coming from.
You’re fine and I can’t really say your friends are being jerks just maybe not handling their frustrations with life very well.” kg1206
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, from what you said it seems like they’re just frustrated with the current situation and ended up taking it out on you because you are seemingly unaffected by something that’s impacting them very negatively, if you still wanna maintain the friendship try talking to them again calmly if they’re still being like that you gotta honestly drop them.” per_jay
6. AITJ For Calling Animal Control On A Stray Cat?
“My wife and I live in a pretty nice, upper-middle-class neighborhood in the suburbs. We don’t have an HOA, but that doesn’t keep neighbors from trying to tell other people how they should be living their lives or from poking their noses into other people’s businesses.
One of the worst of these people is Jan. Jan is probably 50-60 and lives a couple of doors down from us with her husband. She’s nice enough and very outgoing, but also gossip and a busybody who loves drama.
One of her redeeming qualities is that she loves nature and animals.
She always has bird feeders out and has a lovely garden that attracts a lot of bees and butterflies. But over the past month or so, she’s been leaving food out for a stray cat that has been visiting our neighborhood.
Now, I’ve seen this cat roaming around before and it’s freaking huge. It’s mean too and I’ve seen it square off with neighborhood dogs twice its size. In my opinion, it’s dangerous and is probably preying on a lot of birds and other wildlife in the area.
If we were another 10-miles out of town and with fewer people around, I would take care of it myself. But, my wife convinced me to contact animal control instead. I did and they came out and set some traps.
Over the weekend they let me know that one of the traps was successful and they sent me a picture of the cat to confirm that it was the one I called about and it was.
Saturday we were walking with our kids and dog and Jan stopped us to talk like she often does. We talked for maybe 5 minutes or so and she mentioned seeing animal control around and said she hopes it is nothing dangerous as she’s worried about the stray cat she’s been feeding.
I told her that actually, that’s what they were looking for and they found it.
She asked me how I know that and I told her that I was the one who called them and they let me know they caught it.
She asked me why I would do that and I told her it was a stray animal, not a pet, and that it was a danger to other pets and animals in the area.
She asked me if I know what animal control does to strays like that and I told her I did, and I don’t feel the smallest bit bad about it. I told her leaving food out for a stray animal like that is reckless and, in my opinion, dumb.
Our neighborhood does an easter egg hunt for kids so we went there yesterday. I was talking with another dad and he told me that Jan had already been making the rounds last night and this morning, letting everyone know that I got her ‘pet’ cat put down by animal control.
He told me how she was telling anyone who would listen how much of a jerk I am. We had a good laugh about it, but when I told my wife she got upset because she doesn’t want our reputation to be negative like that.
She wants me to apologize to Jan to try and clear the air. But I don’t think I have anything to apologize for and I don’t really care if Jan tries to spread gossip about us, especially about something so silly as this.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for determining the fate of an innocent animal.
It’s not wrong to not want stray cats around. I’m with you on that! They’re a hazard in a large multitude of ways. They wreck ecosystems, they wreck plants, they harass indoor cats, and they spray.
And the lives of stray cats are often brutal, short, and full of suffering.
But you said ‘not my problem’ and signed the cat’s warrant. That is legally your right, but it makes you the jerk.
This isn’t a feral cat that is going to take half a year of intense work to tame. This is a stray cat.
Your moral responsibility was to take even the tiniest of steps to help this cat, who has been failed by humans and is only doing what cats do.
That could have included:
taking the cat to a rescue that would rehome them (which, yes, sometimes includes driving a while or paying the cat’s expenses – I’m sure OP in the bougie gated community can afford it)
finding someone to foster or adopt this cat
fostering or adopting this cat yourself
working with neighbors to do any of the above
telling Jan that she needs to do any of the above by X date or you will be calling animal control
The cat cannot stay outside.
But neither is it morally right to get rid of the cat.” RainahReddit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and doubly so for the edit saying people calling you the jerk doesn’t know anything about stray/feral cats. There were other ways to handle this, the most obvious of which is to go to your neighbor who has been caring for the cat with your concerns.
That’s what a non-jerk would do, and I’m telling you this so you get an idea of what not being a jerk looks like, in case you want to change your jerk ways and give it a go.
Why approach the neighbor first, you wonder? Because non-jerks actually consider the feelings of other humans, instead of just going behind their back to cause them pain. You come off like the kind of guy that never considers feelings other than his own.
Your neighbors are now aware of your toxicity and that’s why you came here – hoping to stroke your need for your bad behavior to be sanctioned by piling up ‘NTJs’ to bolster your ego; even going so far as to pretend you care about the neighborhood’s safety when you have already demonstrated you don’t care about your neighbors.
You can stew in your feelings about people knowing you’re a jerk, or you can learn not to be one.” nycitynic
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and genuinely a bad person. You got a cat put down over what? You mentioned that it could be hurting animals in the area but your main concern in this story is Jan.
You have this grudge with Jan over her being a little nosey and decided to take it out on an animal that just wanted to eat because you knew she cared about it. Then you laughed about the situation with a neighbor. You have a clear lack of empathy. Just because you don’t see the value in that cat doesn’t mean she’s dumb for caring about it.” RomanStrider
5. AITJ For "Interrogating" My Wife After She Hid Her Extra Income?
“Me (33) and my wife (28) are married for seven years. We have two kids 4f and 2f. My wife is a SAHM after our first daughter as there were lots of complications with her pregnancy.
I earn just enough and my income goes to a joint bank account and my wife makes the budget. Our house is my wife’s grandmother’s and was built in the 80s so we’re redoing it little by little.
Money is always tight but we make it work. After our 2nd daughter, my wife doesn’t have complications anymore, even the problems from the first pregnancy went away. So we’re doing better financially for the past year and have started a college fund for the kids.
My wife started a vegetable and fruits farm in our yard and roof and is extremely good at it. She made a lot of money out of it. And to the issue now, a few days ago I woke up early one morning and saw my wife putting the little one in the stroller and leaving.
I tried to call her but she couldn’t hear me.
After she left I opened the tab to see her location, but she left her phone at home and there was no way of contacting her.
I saw a message from the bank about a deposit in her account, which I didn’t know she had. She came back around 7 which is when I usually wake up, what struck me wrong was she came in through the back door and told me she was in the backyard.
I started asking her why she was lying and that I saw her leaving the house at 4 in the morning and what is that extra money she deposited in her account. She denied it, and we had some back and forth and I was getting late for work so I left.
When I came back, she acted like nothing happened and I started asking her question about where she went again. She got angry and told me I’m a jerk for interrogating her and she doesn’t have to tell me about her whereabouts.
I was shocked as this is the first time I’ve ever heard her talk like this or raise her voice even the kids were shocked. I didn’t say anything afterward and she’s still angry and hasn’t talked to me.
AITJ for questioning her?
Here’s the update. After work, I bought a whole cheesecake and Fanta (her favorite combo), and talked to her. After dinner I went up to her and said sorry that I interrogated her and was pushy and that I don’t have any doubts only concerns, she smiled and gave me a kiss and said we’ll talk after the kids went to bed.
She said at first when she started gardening, she was selling her produce in the neighborhood, but when the production increased, she started selling to the whole seller and the neighbors want fresh vegetables, so she started setting up a garden for the neighbors in their backyard.
And she has done that to 8 neighbors. She usually takes the youngest as she needs mom as soon as she wakes up.
Usually, she gets a significant amount to set up a garden and then a regular maintenance charge.
She has been adding the set-up money to her account individually. She didn’t tell me about it because, as lots of people guessed it was a surprise gift. Before I met my wife, there was a weird obsession in my family about a very expensive brand watch.
My dad’s dream is to own one. He died when I was 20 and for a while, I wanted to be super rich and have that watch by my age now. I’ve told my wife about it in the initial stage of going out.
So she was saving up for it but was hesitant to buy a watch that expensive without talking to me.
She didn’t want me to think I’m not worthy of expensive watches??? She wanted to surprise me but also wanted to talk about it.
I told her I don’t want the watch I want to maybe start a retirement fund, but before that, we need a vacation. She agreed quickly to that. I showed her this post and she read it through all the comments and said, if a hundred people tell you to get a paternity test and that made me want one I can and there’s a hospital down the street, I don’t want it.
We agreed on going for counseling though.
There was a lot of concern about tracking her location, but we both have our phone synced to the tab and it started when she was sick, if she was feeling sick she would press SOS and wait for me.
I need her location access to get to her. And then she started using it to ask me to buy stuff on my way home. So it was agreed by both of us and we can easily turn off the location if we want privacy.
About the lying she wasn’t exactly lying, there is no fence between the houses in our lane and she was in our backyard for the past half hour, I didn’t check. I checked after she left but she went to the neighbor’s backyard through their front door.
She didn’t want to answer my questions because of the way I asked her. She wanted me to apologize for my tone before she tells me about it. It’s all good now. We are going to spend the whole day together and I’m not going to work today.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I wouldn’t focus on the moolah at this point.
Maybe she’s saving up to leave you, but that doesn’t exclude why she would take the baby out for three hours, starting at 4 am and leave her phone. Regardless of what’s going on, I think it’s incredibly irresponsible to take the baby with her without her phone.
Unless she doesn’t trust you to wake up if the baby cries, it’s super weird she would do that. Plus, she left the 4-year-old with you, so it isn’t a safety concern.
Plus, who wakes up a two-year-old at 4 am for a 3-hour ‘walk’? If you want to talk this out, I’d reassure your wife you aren’t mad if she has a separate account (it’s incredibly common for sahm to have an ‘escape route’, even if the spouse isn’t abusive.
It’s more of a reassuring safety net, just in case) but that you’re just concerned about her taking the baby out without her phone, and no way to contact her. What if you woke up and the 4-year-old was having an emergency? You’d have no way to contact her and wouldn’t have any idea where your other kid is.” KatsuCammi
Another User Comments:
“To start off I do not think YTJ, but I do think a lot of commenters are jumping to some pretty wild conclusions that may be panicking you a bit.
There’s so much missing here that the explanation could be so simple, or it could be crazy like they say. Let’s play devil’s advocate to see how this could be explained without jumping to horrible conclusions, so you can maybe calm yourself a bit before having an honest conversation with her.
Your financial situation has been rocky in the past but is getting better, partly due to the garden your wife has begun to keep, I assume this means she is selling the produce
Your wife left at 4 am with the 2yo and was gone until 7.
During this time you tracked her and looked at her phone enough to at least see the notifications.
Is it possible that your wife left that early to go to a farmer’s market or something? That could non-maliciously explain the extra money and the early leaving.
Why she took the little one is still a mystery, but for all, I know the 2 yo does not sleep much later than 5 or 6, or she accidentally woke her up and a fit ensued, or the 2 yo still co-sleeps and won’t sleep without mom.
A lot of options, but still the fishiest part of the story.
As for the extra cash, is it possible that the moolah is coming from selling the produce, as you indicate she does? was it an actual bank account, or was it perhaps an in-between service like PayPal or cash app, etc? You know, something people could use to pay her for the veggies.
I’m also not clear on how you know just from one simple notification that it’s a separate account if it was actually going to an actual bank. Did you check your bank to see if the money had been transferred there, or was it a completely different bank entirely?
As for the confrontation at the end of this whole charade, your tone could matter a lot here.
Did you come in gently and ask for explanations while keeping in mind that there could be simple reasons? Or did you come in hot and demand to know what was going on? TRACKING her and going through her phone is already not the best place to start from so if you came in hot with the questions, she could have snapped entirely and is just holding out on giving you perfectly reasonable explanations because she feels her privacy was violated.
Of course, it’s also very possible something bad is going on. You need to talk this through, but you also need to keep an open mind while doing it.” smbpy7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She sounds shady.
As in, something is seriously wrong and if she can’t talk about it and is making it seem like it’s your fault you’re fighting, she’s gaslighting you too.
Normal people do not take the baby out at 4 AM, leave their phone, sneak off to the bank and lie about where they were for hours at a time.
It’s possible she’s doing illegal stuff, visiting the actual father of your second child, selling your kid, or planning on leaving you.
The fact is, you need to know what’s going on.
Start with a paternity test.
She’s hiding something and if it was just a surprise for you, like buying you something special, it wouldn’t be at 4 AM.
I would sit her down, have someone watch the kids, and get her to talk.
I think she’s lying and the baby isn’t yours. She’s sneaking off to see the father and continue her affair. Some of the amount is from the guy for child support.
Where else do you take a baby at 4 AM for hours at a time? Why not take the eldest? Why go when you’re asleep? Why do silent treatment, a form of emotional abuse? She is the one in the wrong.
The bank account is the least of your problems.” Princesssassafras
4. AITJ For Not Picking Up My Partner From The Airport?
“My significant other (26F) took a long weekend trip to Nashville with a group of friends this last weekend. They left Wednesday and came back yesterday. Before she left, I had agreed to pick her up at the airport when they came back.
It’s about a 40-minute drive from our place and I didn’t have anything planned yesterday so it wasn’t a big deal. I texted her yesterday morning to confirm their arrival time so that I could plan when I should leave and she told me they were supposed to land at 3 pm.
I didn’t hear from her the rest of the day, so I left our place at 2:30 pm and arrived at the airport at 3:15, and texted her to let her know I was there.
When I didn’t hear back from her by 4 pm, I kind of started to worry. So I checked their flight status online and found out their flight had been delayed by 2 hours during a layover and wasn’t expected to land for another 90 minutes.
So, I went home. I had no way to contact her so I couldn’t tell her.
About 2 hours later I finally got a call from her and she was asking me where I was.
I told her I was at home. She got annoyed at me and asked why I wasn’t there. I told her I was there at the time she told me, but she neglected to inform me of the flight delay and I wasn’t just going to wait at the airport for 4 hours.
I told her to take an Uber.
I could tell she was annoyed and she told me she was tired and exhausted (AKA Hungover) and forgot to text me about the flight delay. She said she doesn’t want to sit in a stranger’s car for an hour and just wants to get back home.
I told her I had already driven to the airport once today and I wasn’t going back. And even if I did, it would take me an hour to get there but she hung up on me.
About an hour or so later she got home, threw her bags on the floor, walked to our room, closed the door, and locked it. I tried to go talk to her but she wouldn’t open the door.
I ended up sleeping on the couch.
This morning I finally got her to talk to me and she told me her phone died and that was why she couldn’t tell me about the delay and that she was tired and cranky and frustrated when they landed, but that I should have still picked her up because I told her I would.
She told me that Uber was crazy expensive because they charged her peak rates and after spending a lot on her vacation, she’s pretty much broke. She told me I should have just found something to do nearby until she landed instead of going home, especially since I had nothing going on.
When I finally got a word in, I told her that I find it hard to believe she couldn’t find a place to charge her phone during a 2-hour flight delay or have one of her friends text me and that it was a simple courtesy to keep people updated on timelines like that when they are doing you a favor.
I told her I think she was just too hungover or still wasted and didn’t even think about it.
She called me a jerk and told me to get lost. She again isn’t speaking to me.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Do you know how difficult it is to find an outlet when almost every person is looking for an outlet to use? A delay causes a backup of two planes at the least- meaning two planes worth of people would’ve been waiting and probably plugging their devices in to be able to use devices during the flight and not lose battery.
Even if she was hungover, which you seem to be stuck on, and even using another account to tell everyone how wasted your girl was, it still means she isn’t feeling great, and being hungover on a plane is awful.
You don’t care enough about her to care if she’s sick (even when she caused it herself). You told her you would be there, part of picking someone up from the airport is dealing with delays and waiting and there’s no way you were not aware of that before agreeing to pick her up.
Honestly, it sounds like you were already annoyed at her and decided to take a delayed flight as her not respecting you/or not prioritizing you. And really, if you cared about her, even if you were annoyed, you’d wait around because you knew she didn’t feel good and knew she just spent her moolah on a vacation and couldn’t necessarily afford an Uber.
YTJ and I hope she leaves you and you guys can both grow up” annoyedsquish
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with NTJ, but close to ‘everyone sucks here’.
She’s obviously wrong for not bothering to tell you about the delay, and being mad at you for the consequences of HER actions.
You were there at the time she asked you to be, it was unreasonable for her to ask you to wait hours at the airport or drive all the way back when she could’ve saved you the first trip.
That said, she has a point about not wanting to be in a stranger’s car for 40 minutes. As a young woman myself I rarely Uber at all, and when I do it’s with friends for short distances.
A 40-minute Uber ride by myself sounds really scary, and I’m sure it was expensive. I would’ve still picked her up because basic safety trumps aggravation about disrespect.
That said, it was super disrespectful, and I would’ve filled that 40-minute ride home with a serious discussion about whether we were still going to be a couple if she didn’t think I deserve something as basic as a heads up on the delay.
I don’t know the whole story, but it really sounds like there’s some problem drinking here, and like it’s an existing point of contention.” ReaffirmReality
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did everything you were asked to, and a bit more.
Her flight was due at 3:00, you left to get her at 2:30, and you say the flight takes 1.5 hours, so the flight delay was known to her around the departure time of (give or take) 1:30, an hour before you left; even of the amount of the delay wasn’t known by her then, she knew that there would be some delay.
No one I know who travels much lets their phone completely die when on the road, and even if somehow she did, she could have, and IMO should have, let you know using a friend’s phone if she couldn’t somehow to recharge her own in the window between when her flight was supposed to depart and when you needed to leave to pick her up (she somehow got her phone recharged in short order after landing, once it became inconvenient to her, I noted), and even if she couldn’t tell you how long the delay would be, and had no access to communications with you, you would have then known to check her flight for arrival time, once it was actually in the air.
My partner travels a lot for work – usually, 3 or 4 trips a month – and I shuttle them to and from the airport (about a 40-minute drive), and if there’s a significant change in their flight plan – more than 30 minutes – they make sure to let me know as soon as they do, which is always well before I leave to pick them up.
I also check flight status, but that’s my choice, and is mostly because sometimes their flight lands as much as 20 minutes early, or 30 minutes late due to in-flight delays, and it lets me know whether to go straight to arrivals or chill out in the short-term lot (our airport allows the first hour for free).
She was asking the favor, it’s entirely on her to let you know of the change of plans; that’s the rule for all favors. Asking and expecting you to wait 4 hours for her is completely unreasonable, regardless of whether you had other plans or not.
By failing to do the reasonable thing – let you know of the long delay as soon as she was aware of it – she completely earned having to pay for an Uber home.
Now, you could have handled it better – accusing her of wastedness, even if true, gets you a minor jerk – but she completely brought the entire situation which led to you making that comment in herself.” NYCinPGH
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here & No jerks here.
Look, I’m going to be honest with you, people often say ‘relationships are hard’ but the truth is they’re not. Bad relationships are hard all or most of the time. If this is what it’s like in your relationship on a daily basis then you’re in a bad relationship because neither one of you is putting the other first.
It sounds like your partner was having a bad day, travelling with a hangover is a nightmare. If I ever wanted to torture information out of someone, I’d get them blitzed and then tell them they need to make a connection.
Giving her a little grace and empathy wouldn’t have been the end of the world for you, especially because you said you didn’t have any other plans. I’m not saying she didn’t mess up, I’m saying it was up to you how you responded and you chose to leave and act like she did what she did on purpose.
The fact of the matter is, if it’s a good relationship, then you’re both always putting each other first. If one of you is messing up then the other is picking up the slack, if one of you needs empathy and kindness and to just catch a break then the other is making sure that you get it.
All of that sounds like a lot to give to a person when it’s the wrong person. When it’s right, it’s easier than breathing.” EvidenceRemote1425
You said you would be there. Any sensible person would check if the flight was on time before leaving for the airport.
You also said you didn't have anything else on, so it wasn't as though you were otherwise busy. You could have used the time to drive to a nearby shopping centre to buy her some flowers or something. Instead you just give up, leaving her stranded, with no idea that you weren't going to be there. Put yourself in her shoes. You have just had a long flight, which was delayed for hours, so you were stuck in some airport waiting for the rescheduled flight. All you are thinking of is that at least your beloved partner will be there, waiting and soon you will be home. But you step off the plane, and your partner isn't there. Are they OK? Have they had some accident? Why aren't they there? Should you just wait for them? For how long?
You finally manage to call and they don't care that you were expecting them to be there. They can't be bothered to do what they promised they would do. They don't even offer to pay for the Uber.
Yes. You suck.
3. AITJ For Choosing My Brother-In-Law Over My Foster Brother?
“I (20m) am my parents’ youngest biological child, but for a few months, they have been fostering Jonathan (11m). Jonathan attends a local drama club twice a week and he’s performing in his first show Wednesday night.
He made little invitations for me, my siblings (33f & 31m), and our parents and has apparently already told whoever is in charge to reserve us all seats.
However, my sister’s husband Trevor (34m) just got a promotion at work and plans to take everyone to dinner to celebrate Wednesday night.
I’ve known Trevor and his family for nine years and really like the restaurant they’re going to so I’d prefer to attend that instead. Naturally, my sister is also planning to attend her husband’s dinner over a children’s play.
My parents are disappointed that we’re ‘not supporting’ their foster son as he was so excited for us all to see him perform. My father told Jonathan that my sister and I ‘canceled’ (although we never agreed to go in the first place) and he’s been miserable all day.
He’s been using my mother’s phone to call my sister and her husband to beg them to come and cancel dinner and my mother has been guilting me about it. She says we can all just go for dinner another time but he’ll never have another first opening night, which I suppose is true.
AITJ?
ETA: To clarify, it is not just the three of us going to dinner, Trevor’s entire family is coming. Trevor chose Wednesday because it was the night that worked best for everyone, my sister and I are the only ones who inconveniences.
Edit 2: I know by not attending the play I’ll be letting my foster brother, and mother, down. I fully intended on going before the dinner came up and now regret agreeing to go to the dinner because it is at the same time and has complicated everything.
I thought I could do both but turns out the play is later than I thought. I’ll be a jerk to someone either way, either to my sister for abandoning her with her in-laws all night or to my mother for letting her down and I’m stressing out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It sucks that your parent’s foster son is upset and I understand why he would be, but the real jerks are your parents. The fact is that you, your sister, and brother in law are adults—it’s no longer appropriate for your parents to dictate your schedule or your plans.
They jumped the gun when they reserved your seats and encouraged him to make invitations without checking with you guys first. It would be one thing if you all had agreed to go and then bailed last minute, but that’s not what’s happening.
None of you agreed to attend and your bil wasn’t even invited. I don’t think that is reasonable to expect you brother in law to reschedule a 15+ person dinner with family and friends because your parents set unrealistic expectations for their foster son.
And they certainly shouldn’t be guilting any of you.
If this is opening night, and in the middle of the week, there will probably be other performances. Maybe you and your siblings could chip in and get your parents and their foster son dinner afterward if that feels right.
Or maybe send him a congratulatory bouquet.” Apprehensive-Sun-358
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but judging from the way you keep trying to defend yourself leads me to believe that you will pick your BIL’s supper.
Look, to you and some of the people here, attending a child’s boring play does not sound super special or important.
You will probably try and justify that the kid will eventually forget about it and move on from it. And they probably will learn to ‘move on’ in a sense… but they won’t forget.
I’m telling you right now, that a child (especially a child from foster care with no family of their own to begin with) who would go to great lengths to personally hand make invitations to you and your siblings and reserve seats and beg for you to attend…
the child will not so easily forget. They would absolutely take this as an act of rejection and will carry it with them in their heart going forth.
I think back on my childhood of all the little moments that all the adults in my life took very lightly and brushed off and probably didn’t think twice about but had nonetheless been important to me and shaped me into the person I am today.
Like how I was never allowed second helpings at the dinner table or my mom always pinching the fat on my arm or my parents teasing me over the fictional written stories I would write as a kid.
There will be moments in your life that are quite literally character-defining. Sure attending your BIL’s dinner would be a lot more fun. And over time the kid might ‘get over’ you not coming to their play.
But you asked if you’d be a jerk here and you received your verdict so you better be able to live with it.
Edit:
Also, people keep saying that you are not obligated to the foster brother, that you never chose to have a foster brother, etc.
Of course, you never chose the foster brother (you don’t get to choose your biological parents and siblings either you idiots), and no, technically there is nothing legally binding you to go to your foster brother’s play.” Hungrychick
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It sucks. It really does. But mom and dad shouldn’t have volunteered you. If the dinner could be moved absolutely that is ideal. If not I would make a real effort to make Jonathan feel good.
See him before, take him out to celebrate his big upcoming role, say how proud you are, tell him to make sure it’s recorded so you can watch, etc. also nicely explain if you didn’t have a prior engagement you already committed to you would be there.
Further, explain moving this event that lots and lots of people were going to was looked into JUST so you guys could see the play but unfortunately it wasn’t possible. Make a sincere effort to see the next one.
Again, it sucks. It sucks your parents volunteered you without asking and now a kid is sad. But that isn’t your fault you explored the possible solutions and they weren’t possible. Maybe run lines with every day a few days before it.
Be overly involved now since you can’t be there. Sure it’s not your responsibility but mom and dad broke a kid’s heart so if you can help make him feel better I absolutely would!” Vegetable_Visual7148
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for your reasoning.
Your sister is a grown-up and would be fine at the dinner without you. Just admit that the dinner would be more fun and you don’t want to go to the play. If you were honest with yourself about that, you’d be able to make a decision instead of dramatizing how you couldn’t possibly leave your sister at this dinner alone.
If you were invited to the play first and agreed to go, you should keep your agreement. However, I also understand that you may feel forced to have a relationship with this kid for no reason: it’s your parents’ choice to foster but that doesn’t mean your relationship with those kids will be the same as the siblings you grew up with.
Your parents may choose to continue putting their fosters’ feelings first, but you don’t always have to. Imagine they foster another 11 year old and this happens; you’ll always be shamed for not considering ‘the child’ ahead of yourself when only your parents are obligated to think that way” throwRAstickypast
2. AITJ For Not Taking Care Of My Backyard?
“My husband (37yr M) and I (38yr F) received a text from our back door neighbor Alex (46 ish F) regarding the state of our back yard. Alex has been an annoying, overly condescending neighbor since we moved in 2017.
In 2017, my husband lost his job, we were busy trying to make ends meet not socializing with the neighbors, and they wouldn’t invite us formally either. Then we started our own business and I got pregnant so we were mowing the lawn every other week, it is a 1/2 acre lot.
One day Alex sent me a text and offered to mow the lawn. I replied thanks but politely declined. She insisted and ended up doing one half of the lawn. I knew it bothered her but also knew how hard it is to mow it so I said yes thinking that she would be more understanding in the future.
2 wks later we were traveling, she sent a text asking who was mowing our lawn while we were abroad, that it hadn’t been touched since she mowed it and it affected her, she proceeded to remind me how beautiful our community was and it’s because neighbors care for their lawn.
I got insanely mad, but replied that I was sorry, and already had someone to mow our lawn; She replied praising me for the awesome human being I am and said she had so much to learn from me.
2 wks ago the town cut the trees that were in the alley. My husband asked to leave the logs in our backyard for a future project. So she texted us this morning asking about the logs in OUR backyard, if we requested them to be left there and if so, when we were planning to move them; my husband replied yes I requested the logs; she said ‘well they can’t stay there’.
It bothered me so much! I replied the logs were not going to be there long, we are super busy right now with our business after being basically closed for 2 years. She said we shouldn’t have requested the logs if we were not going to have time to move them.
I said ‘That’s our property, Alex’; she said she wasn’t surprised at all, and our backyard is a shame; I said I was sorry that I understood her frustration, but this is our property and it’s not a crime to not have time to beautify your yard.
She said she understands we’re busy, that there’s nothing else to say I’m right it’s our property but sadly she wouldn’t be surprised if the logs are there all summer; I said again that I understand her frustration and I’m truly sorry, that I wish I had the means or time to have someone come to work in my backyard, but I don’t, that I love how hers looks but mine is substantially bigger, that the logs won’t be there all summer; She just said great.
I actually don’t like the way our backyard looks right now. But I don’t think that’s anyone’s business. She shouldn’t be so entitled and think she can tell us to do something when it’s our PROPERTY.
It’s a reminder of all my failures, So much to do, so little time and money to do it.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you’re letting things like you in your yard and be a home for rodents based simply on the fact you don’t have time.
With the lack of time to do general yard maintenance it’s doubtful you’re getting to any project with logs. You should put up a privacy fence if you are going to have a messy unkempt yard.” CoxBJT
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…
your yard, screw the neighbor. If you were in some sort of violation of a city ordinance, she probably would have already complained to them. Instead, since you’re not, she just nags you to death.
Don’t reply anymore. I mow when it needs it, but we have better things to do than be a slave to our yard.” AbarthCabrioDriver
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There is a difference between mowing your grass every other day and letting it get so far out of hand that your city issued you citations and warnings.
According to your replies to other posts – you are clearly not maintaining your yard to even minimally acceptable standards. No wonder your neighbor is complaining.” RedditDK2
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I suspect your yard is a LOT worse than you are letting on and that you mow it less frequently than you imply. The uncut lawn provides cover for vermin, which affects all your neighbors. You know the way suburbs work. Get on board or get an apartment.” WholeCollection6454
1. AITJ For Wanting To Kick My Adult Children Out?
“My kids (23 and 20) refuse to abide by a simple rule of no smoking in the house. No matter how many times we remind them. My solution at this point is the nuclear option of telling them they need to move out.
My wife does not agree because she doesn’t think they are ready to make it on their own. What say you? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
They are adults. No matter what age you are there are rules to abide by and bills we all have to pay.
If they can spend moolah on smoke – that can go towards rent. They can get an apartment together and split the rent. It will be more beneficial to them, in the long run, to know how the actual world works.
By letting them stay there and knowing they can get away with doing what they want (with no worries because everything is covered for them) they will continue to live this way for a long time.
Sometimes the best lessons in life are the hard lessons learned.” Dry_Dragonfruit_4191
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Not for wanting your children to abide by your rules, they’re jerks for ignoring that, but for ignoring what your wife wants.
It’s not just your house and they’re not just your kids. You two need to sit down and discuss what to do together.” herozerocapitalZ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People that age needs to move out and learn to make it on their own.
Obviously, they are not taking any responsibility for themselves and as long as they are at home – they won’t. Why should they? So they need to be out and struggling with life. Hard on some parents but it has to happen.” AffectionateMine2220
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I think there are a lot of people are going to be torn. Here’s my opinion from someone who moved out at that age and is now moving back home pretty much still at that age.
(Moved out 22, moving back home 23) It’s really rare for people that young in this day in age to have the funds to move out. If you kick them out and don’t allow them back in they could end up homeless, couch surfing, you never know. Or they could be fine. I personally you as a parent should try other avenues first.” Colorful_Panda
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