People Seek Advice On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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Seeking advice can be challenging for most people. It's hard to reach out and ask for a new perspective - especially if you feel like you might be in the wrong. However, asking people for help will always bring insight and understanding to situations, no matter the circumstances. It takes courage to seek advice from those around you, and these internet users decided to seek advice from the world. Read on and let us know who you think was the jerk in these situations. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? EHS = Everyone here sucks

16. AITJ For My Reaction To My Fiancé Returning My Wedding Dress?

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“My fiance M33, and I F28 are getting married in December. His mom is the intrusive type but she’s nice overall and we….somewhat get along.

I hate to admit that wedding planning has been an absolute nightmare.

His mom wasn’t willing to agree on most things, and my fiance said that since he’s her only son then I should respect and appreciate this “vision” she has for the wedding and how it should be.

She insisted to come along for wedding dress shopping. I took her with me and my mom and friends. I was so lucky to have found what I was looking for.

but she picked a dress that she liked so much and said that “she always pictured her son’s bride in it” mom and friends thought this line was creepy. I thought the dress was somewhat creepy and toooootally not my type.

I apologized and thanked her for her “vision” but told her that I’d already decided on a dress that I had “envisioned” myself wearing at my wedding!

She got upset because of it apparently, then must’ve told my fiance because he came home in the evening ranting about how I made his mom upset and “turned down” her help in choosing the wedding dress and excluded her from the process.

I asked “what process?” duh it’s just a wedding dress…my wedding dress so I really didn’t get how she should get a say at all! He got upset and said that this attitude of mine isn’t working on him or his mom.

He said that I should consider the dress his mom wanted me to buy especially knowing that “both dresses weren’t that much different anyway” like she said but I told him yes they were different…like so much different.

Anyways, we argued about it then he dropped it. Yesterday I came home and found out that he had returned my wedding dress and replaced it with the one his mom wanted.

I called him and he was straightforward about what he did and why he did it. I lost it and started screaming at him. He asked me to calm down and really give this dress “a chance”.

I refused to even listen I screamed at him without giving him a chance to speak. He got home and we had an argument. I then went to stay with one of my friends and he kept calling and calling then texting saying that I overreacted and it is his wedding too so it wasn’t cool how I screamed at him.

He insisted I give this dress a chance. He went on and on about how his mom has a “vision” and good intentions and just wants what is best for me as her future daughter-in-law.

My mom is livid and has been wanting to go scream at him and his mom but my dad said that this isn’t worth ruining my relationship with my inlaws. He suggested I wisen up and “go with the flow” but is it too much for me to be able to pick my own wedding dress without being guilted about it just to keep the peace? AITJ for my reaction?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and DO NOT, under any circumstance, MARRY THIS PERSON and his mother, because make no mistake, you’ll be marrying both if you go through with it as things stand.

This has soooo many red flags, it’s not funny. If you come second to mommy on something like this, a piece of clothing that you will be wearing on the supposed most important day of your life, imagine what comes after.

And your future husband thinks it’s okay?! You are not overreacting, you’re under-reacting because the wedding needs to be canceled pronto. Seriously.

Doesn’t this guy have friends or other humans around him who aren’t his mom? Surely anyone would tell him how creepy, controlling, disrespectful, abusive, and just plain wrong these actions were?!” oddpolyglot

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

But…

you do realize you’re getting a sneak preview of what your life with this man and his mother will be like, right? This isn’t just about the dress, and it certainly won’t end there.

Your wants, needs, and desires will always come second to his mother’s. He will always force you to be the one to make peace with her and give up what you want for her.

He will allow her to come first over you every single time.

Is this what you want out of your life and relationship?” anthony___fell

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You will be if you marry this man though.

His mother is marrying him and using you as the proxy, and he is fine with that. He will do whatever she wants at the click of her fingers and will set you on fire to keep her warm.

Don’t salvage this relationship, absolutely torch it. There is nothing worth saving and you’ll be consigning yourself to years of emotional damage if you go through with this.” Hoplite68

5 points (5 votes)
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Pcogale 2 months ago
NTJ - do not marry this man. He is enmeshed with his mother and she is extremely controlling. This is a preview of your life with him. He'll run to mommy for every decisions. And if you have kids with this man... just don't... you will find yourself relegated to the caregiver and grandma will be making all the decisions and her son will make you feel guilty if you don't do what she says.

Run now.... fast. And don't look back.

The wedding dress drama may be a blessing in disguise as it's a preview of your future life if you marry him.
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15. AITJ For Paying For My Stepdaughter?

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“I (f) am a cheer coach for our local team. I have been married to my husband for 5 years. He has a daughter with his ex and his daughter has decided she wanted to try cheerleading this year.

Usually, I coach the older girls but this year I switched to the littles so I could coach her. The director let me know her mom hadn’t made a payment yet for her uniform/registration fees/and all the extras the girls get (the bag/bow/socks/etc.) I wrote a check and didn’t think anything of it.

If the payment wasn’t made that day then she’d be kicked off the team.

My husband asked me why I wrote out a check today.  I explained what happened and it caused a large argument between us.

He said I should have checked with him and that her mother was required to make that payment. I explained I didn’t know and didn’t want her to get kicked off so I paid for it.

My husband said I should have let his ex handle it so she’d learn to make the payment on time. He said that’s why he pays child support and that it is court-ordered she pay the extras since we pay for other things.

He’s now not speaking to me because his ex won’t give him any of the funds back saying what’s done is done.

So AITJ? Should I have let her get kicked off so her mom learned a lesson?”

Another User Comments:

“I waffled a bit here but I’m gonna go with hard NTJ for this one purely because of your intentions, which are so pure and so lovely.

The fact that your husband chose to get angry with you instead of being grateful you clearly love and care for his daughter so deeply and then articulating that, in the future, he’d prefer you not get involved in financial things between him and his ex, tells me a lot about him.

I’m hoping this is unusual for him and he responded in anger because of a tumultuous relationship with his ex and because oftentimes we get emotional when our children are involved.

However, you’ve learned a valuable lesson about stepping in between these two and I’d ask in the future before doing anything.

But no, NTJ, and you sound like a wonderful stepmom!” grussfish

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You did exactly what a good stepparent does. You “stepped” into the role of parenting the child in your care and supporting her. And quite frankly, your mindset is better than your husband’s.

Your husband is focused on the bean-counting between him and his ex. And in that focus, he seems indifferent to the collateral damage to his daughter.

What should have happened here is the bio mom should have apologized profusely and paid you back as soon as she learned about this.

If she was unable to pay you back, she should have sent you a thank-you card and maybe some flowers or a decent bottle of wine.” VerySurlyPerson

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Ask him what his response would have been if you didn’t pay and she got kicked off the team.

Would he rather his daughter suffer to teach his ex a lesson?

My brother’s ex repeatedly tries to make my niece suffer to teach my brother a lesson. Lesson on what? He pays 1k in support and they split all activity and medical costs, only she refuses to pay her half and tells her daughter that her dad is a deadbeat and is the reason she didn’t do cheer or basketball or soccer.

He literally couldn’t afford to pay 1k and fully pay for activities.

So he had child support adjusted to her dismay the courts agreed fully with him so now she like holds her hostage if my niece chooses to stay longer with my brother and my niece is the one calling my brother to leave.

She doesn’t care if her daughter is affected by her behavior because she knows it hurts him to see his daughter hurt.

He paid fully for cheer this summer even though he couldn’t afford it, and his ex would only allow her to go to a fair with him if he paid for all the pictures for cheer, school pictures, and her band instrument.

I would also send an invoice to her mother and request reimbursement IAW with the current agreement.

Your husband is so willing to let his daughter suffer for his ex’s actions and that is very telling of who he is as a person.” McflyThrowaway01

3 points (3 votes)
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Pcogale 2 months ago
NTJ - our husband is being an arse and trying to teach his ex wife a lesson by hurting his child.

You did exactly the right thing and I would look a little closer at some of his behaviours. You might have a few red flags there that need addressing.
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14. AITJ For Refusing To Spend Time With My Husband's Family?

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“MIL recently got engaged to “Alex” after about 1.5 years. To be honest, no one in the family likes him, but she is head over heels in love. I find him to be pretty rude and lacking in emotional intelligence.

He refuses to talk sometimes and will just whisper to MIL. I’ve said hi to him and he just looks at me, because he isn’t in the mood to talk. My husband said something factually incorrect once and Alex was super condescending about correcting him.

Also, this man clearly does not like my children. He cringes when they make noise. He acts jealous when MIL pays attention to them, and goes over and tries to hold her hand or poke at her.

Someone once made a comment about my son, saying “don’t you just want to eat those cheeks up”, and Alex just casually said no. He acts miserable while we are visiting and last time kept taking her hand and trying to rub his own head, I guess to get pity that my kids were giving him a headache.

Everyone was high-fiving my son once and when he got to Alex, Alex said sorry he doesn’t touch people.

He was at our house once and told MIL loud enough that I could hear it that he wasn’t eating because it looked gross.

Another time when their relationship was newer MIL asked if he wanted to go somewhere with her and he made a face and asked if we would be there (right in front of us).

She said no, and he was like oh yeah I’d love to. Recently someone was asking MIL about the wedding and Alex told her not to get a dress like mine as that style is frumpy.

MIL was like honey you can’t say that in front of people, and he said “why not? I didn’t marry her”

We have brought up our concerns to MIL, but she claims it isn’t his fault, because he is brilliant and apparently that is an excuse (he legitimately is and graduated high school at 16, and has a very impressive engineering job, but I don’t think that excuses his behavior.

I know plenty of smart people who aren’t jerks). Honestly, I don’t think she is going to do anything, because MIL is a sweet person, but she is vain and to be blunt Alex is gorgeous.

I feel like she just lets it all go because of that.

Recently we brought up holiday plans. We always do Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with my husband’s family, but I said I refuse to do Christmas with MIL, because Alex snubs us and does not treat us like family, and my kids will never be treated like inconveniences.

My husband said he thought I was being too hard and that I know how important Christmas is to his mom, so we decided to talk to MIL.

She asked what she was supposed to do and how we wanted her to control a grown man.

I explained that we aren’t ok with his antisocial behavior, and if she can’t do something, we won’t be going for Christmas. She made the genius excuse again, but I wouldn’t listen.

MIL said I was being controlling and he isn’t hurting anyone by not liking us. Now she is saying I’m a terrible person and don’t care about her happiness, and my husband still feels I’m overreacting.”

Another User Comments:

“Your husband is okay with being treated badly by this guy? He’s okay with his kids and wife being treated badly by this guy?

You guys are supposed to go there for CHRISTMAS, a joyous, happy, lively, and bright holiday that kids are VERY excited about.

When kids are excited they tend to get loud. This guy does not like loud, does not like you or your children, does not like people in general, and insults you to your face on occasion.

But hubby thinks YOU are overreacting and still wants to go spend this ‘joyous’ holiday with a guy who is about as personable as a lump of coal.

Sooooo….no respect for you and your children as long as his Mom is happy you can sit there and be insulted and have your kids be deemed bothersome and a burden.

Sounds fun.

NOT.

MIL is being controlling trying to guilt you into coming and dismissing his behavior. If she’s okay with it than fine, it’s her life. However, you are stating that his behavior is hurtful, insulting, and quite frankly annoying.

You are choosing not to attend because it brings you no joy or pleasure and where you and your children are insulted frequently.

NTJ.” 1moreKnife2theheart

Another User Comments:

“‘He isn’t hurting anyone by not liking us’- well I guess MIL isn’t a genius.

NTJ.

He can be however he wants to be, and MIL can love him for it. But you , you do not need to be around someone who puts you down, makes you uncomfortable, and is outright rude to you and your children.

It doesn’t matter if MIL loves Christmas.

You do not need to be around a person who isn’t just antisocial, but mean. I would conclude your stance that you aren’t going with reminding your husband and MIL that her fiancé said, in front of you, that he didn’t want to go somewhere if you were going, so he should be ecstatic that you won’t be there for Christmas.

Oh and tell your husband to get his head out of the gutter and at least put the comfort of his children over his mother.” mfruitfly

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and his behavior aren’t “anti-social” it’s downright rude and ridiculously obvious that he is purposefully making you uncomfortable.

He doesn’t like you or your kids and he isn’t even trying to hide it. He may as well wear a tee shirt with your picture on it crossed out with a vomit emoji next to it.

Be just as blunt.

“Your husband is rude, obnoxious and obviously dislikes us and I refuse to spend my holidays with someone like that”. And then stick to your guns.

He sounds like he is trying (successfully) to alienate her from her family and friends and that’s a marinara flag for mistreatment. It might behoove your husband to talk to his mom one on one about that.” Momof3dragons2012

2 points (2 votes)
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YooperWoman 2 months ago
I, too, say NTJ for the same reasons others have listed. I’m surprised, though, that no one questioned if Alex is on the spectrum. If I ignore the impact of his words and actions, and just focus on words and actions alone, they seem to point in that direction. This is in no way excusing MIL’s reaction, but it may provide some additional insight.
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13. AITJ For Not Wanting My Biological Mother At Family Gatherings?

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“I (23f) have grown up under my grandparent’s care. To me, they are mom and dad. They are the ones who put the effort and care into me. My biological mother abandoned me when I was two weeks old because of personal issues.

I have had absolutely no contact and no desire for contact.

My custody dispute was very intense. My biological mother dropped me off and went no contact. My parents were worried about me getting hurt and being legally unable to get me medical care if I needed it, so they opted to gain full custody of me.

For whatever reason my biological mother retaliated and sent an illegitimate letter describing neglect from my parents, even going as far as claiming my parents stole me from my biological mother.

It took my parents even longer to prove the letter was fake, after my biological mother failed to appear in court herself and after a DFS investigation.

About two years ago, my mother approaches me and tells me my biological mother was coming to live with us for some time.

According to my mother, my biological mother had finally gotten clean and had another child. As she was having trouble in the last state she lived in and wanted to do better for herself and her son.

I was very vocally against this. My mother told me she understood how I felt, but my mother wanted to do what was best for the child and she was allowing this for the child’s sake, not my biological mother’s.

I eventually relented and agreed for the child’s sake.

The move-in happens and my parents made it very clear that my biological mother was to get a job as soon as possible, having her arrival date in text so she couldn’t claim squatter’s rights.

My biological mother opted for welfare and low-income housing in the end. The only reason I know this is my biological mother pulled a stunt trying to claim my income even though I was an adult before she finally moved out.

About four months ago a friend came in to talk with me while I was at work. He brought up how he met my mother at the dollar store she worked at, and I had to correct him.

I restated my boundaries to her much more firmly and in a scathing manner. I pointed out how she wronged me, and I even called her out for only claiming me as her daughter when it benefited her.

My mother passed away in September, so emotions in the entire family are very high. The day after my mother’s death my biological mother showed up at my home and started to chime in about how she was still there as my mother, and I restated my boundaries and then made her leave.

After that, I’ve had no contact with her.

I very much do not want her around. I’m planning on telling her flat out she is not welcome anymore, even for family gatherings.

However, I may be going too far if I do. WIBTJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and sorry for your loss.

I 100% get where you’re coming from and I do think it’s your right to enforce your wish and to go no contact.

Forbidding her to come to family gatherings that do not only involve you makes the whole thing more complicated tho because the other people are HER family as well.

I feel like you cannot take away her right to see them and their right to spend time with her. I also feel like you don’t have the authority to FORBID an adult to come to family gatherings if the other family members are ok with her being there.

That being said – from what you’re saying the other family members might be on your side because they probably have witnessed your biological mom’s behavior too.

Talk to them and try to find a solution together.

However, you can tell your biological mom that you don’t want her at family gatherings (that’s different from forbidding her to come).

That doesn’t prevent her from going and maybe you just cannot do anything about it if she does show up but at least you’re making sure she knows where you stand.” SchroedingersPet

Another User Comments:

“NTJ you have a right to your feelings.

However, your bio mom is your father’s daughter as well and it sounds like he still loves his daughter but is willing to go no contact to support you. Also, you may not consider her other child as your sibling but it is his grandchild.

So if you instituted this ban on bio mom not being allowed at family gatherings it means that he would also be excluding his grandchild most likely unless bio mom is willing to allow the child to attend without her.

I don’t think you have to sacrifice your feelings at all. I just hope your father tries to have some type of relationship with his daughter for his grandchild’s sake at least.

He deserves to have a family as well. I understand and respect why it may be hard for you to have a relationship with the child. So I’m not advocating for that.” Such-Awareness-2960

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

She is only a biological relation, and she came around right after the death of your mother, someone who was maintaining boundaries with her, entirely because your mother was no longer around to defend your boundaries.

You are not going too far, this person came around after the death of your parent, condolences, with the entire intent of manipulating you for some personal gain because you were in mourning and vulnerable. She had shown who she was historically, but she really doubled down on this one. She is not welcome at all cuz she’s not family.” JCBashBash

2 points (2 votes)
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Beenthruit 2 months ago
NTJ. Absolutely go no contact with her. She wants to be around for the money. Already tried taking yours. Tell her to go f off.
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12. AITJ For Siding With My Boss?

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“I (m30) am a shift manager at a restaurant. I have a co-worker, who I’ll call Sheila (f58), who is very well-known among staff and regular customers for being a caring and sweet person, but also being a bit gung-ho when it comes to things she disagrees with.

About a year ago now, Sheila’s daughter started working with us, who I’ll name Naomi (f31). Naomi has two children and is a single mother.

In the past 6-7 months, we’ve had continual problems where Naomi would call up almost every couple of weeks saying she could not come in to work her shift for a day or two.

Most of the time, this is due to her not being able to secure a babysitter or because one of the children is ill. Sometimes she calls within half an hour of her shift’s start time, which means finding cover is very difficult.

This caught management’s attention, and she was disciplined with a verbal warning.

Sheila caught wind of this and started to complain to the other staff about the treatment Naomi had received, and how she was not deserving of a verbal warning for not being able to work if it was outside of her control.

At one point, she complained to me about it. I responded that Naomi is being treated like how other staff would be in regard to absences and that it’s about her reliability in turning up to work since we need people who can consistently work the shifts they are given.

Sheila then accused me of implying that her daughter was not a capable worker because I was saying she was unreliable. I told her that I didn’t mean that but that, from the company’s viewpoint, her continually calling in causes us more trouble than if we potentially had someone else in her job.

Sheila proceeded to call me heartless and that, as a man with no children, I cannot possibly understand the work and issues you have to worry about being a single parent, and that we should suck it up if she calls in since her kids are her priority.

I then, likely unwisely, said to her that regardless of the reasons she has, it’s a matter of turning up and doing your job and that it is annoying when Naomi calls up right before her shift starts since finding cover is impossible by then and that the warning reflects this issue.

Sheila scoffed and then didn’t talk to me for the rest of the shift we worked. A couple of co-workers have said that saying Naomi’s actions are annoying was too harsh and that I definitely shouldn’t have said her warning was, essentially, deserved.

I understand it is a mother who wants to protect her daughter, but I was tired of Sheila trying to absolve Naomi completely and not see it from another perspective.

AITJ for saying what I did to Sheila? Should I be thinking about things more from Naomi’s perspective?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I’m a mother and I know that Naomi’s actions are problematic. Emergencies happen but if your kid wakes up with a fever, you don’t wait until your shift is about to start to call.

You are going to have to force yourself to not talk about Naomi or her actions even though you are correct in your thinking. Sheila and Naomi are going to make your work life miserable if you talk.

I’m sorry.” Awhkm

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You’re management, you’re presumably the person who has to scramble for coverage when Naomi flakes. You shared your viewpoint politely with Sheila when she brought this up.

I mean, I’m delighted that as a society we provide all sorts of resources for parents (school, subsidies for food and housing, etc.

— this seems like a good thing to do to ensure that people keep on having kids!) but in the workplace, we’re all supposed to be equal. It shouldn’t matter whether I have kids (or parents) at home, I’m supposed to show up for work in the same way, with the same reliability.” MystifiedByPeople

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

She complained and you responded with the logic of the situation as you saw it. It has nothing to do with having children or not. When you take a job that requires significant notice, the times you call in should be unexpected emergencies.

Children are little germ incubators.

They catch everything because their immune system is developing. That’s why people who do work that’s hard to staff make sure they have a backup sitter, find a daycare that takes ill children, or find another parent/friend/relative to call on for when the kids wake up with a fever or other crud.

The same would be true of a single person with car problems.

Once in a while is understandable; when it keeps happening, it’s time to devise a backup plan so you can get to work on the days you start off and your car dies.

If one of her kids wakes up with appendicitis and is rushed to surgery, other people don’t mind scrambling to cover.

If a kid wakes up with a cold or the flu for the tenth time that winter and she doesn’t come in, they’re going to roll their eyes and be exasperated — and the company is going to discipline her for not having a backup plan so she can get to work regularly.” MmeHomebody

Another User Comments:

“ESH The reprimand of an employee should be between them and management unless some kind of injustice occurred.

I would not consider this an injustice.

I am sympathetic that finding reliable and affordable child care is tough, and kids and illnesses are not always predictable. At the same time, her calling out last minute leaves other employees to pick up the slack and must be frustrating.” 0biterdicta

2 points (2 votes)
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rbleah 3 months ago
Sheila needs to but out and you need to NOT talk to her about another employee. Don't care she is mommy to Naomi. This is a business you are trying to run. If Naomi can't follow the rules and leave you to scramble for coverage because she leaves it till the last minute to call off she should look for a work from home job. NTJ NTJ NTJ
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11. AITJ For Uninviting A Guest From My Party?

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“Moved to a new house and was planning to invite friends over. Not everyone in the group is a close friend, specifically one (32M, let’s call him ‘Sam’) who did not invite us to their wedding that happened locally and we (husband and I) were a bit hurt that we weren’t invited.

But that was almost 2 years ago and my husband asked me to be the bigger person; forget and move on. We also meet him and his wife on other occasions while hanging out with friends as a group and we’re all cordial.

He even plays with my infant.

Fast forward to this week. I invited our friends via a text message on the WhatsApp group chat to hang out on the weekend. Sam promptly responds by saying he’ll be bringing his parents along.

Although I convinced myself to invite him, I was disappointed when he said he was actually coming (I expected him to decline the invite as he didn’t invite us earlier). Anyway, it was tough but I made my peace with accommodating not just him and his wife but also his parents.

Fast forward to today as I’m planning food/meals/snacks for the meetup, Sam shares his family’s dietary restrictions (strict vegetarians, no drinks, meat, eggs, onion or garlic in anything they eat, no rice on Saturdays, and the place we order from can’t have nonvegetarian food cooked in their premises).

This severely limits our plans and I was NOT prepared for this.

I called a mutual friend to vent and they said he just invited a few friends over to his housewarming two weeks ago.

I was super upset, to say the least. I texted and uninvited him – “Hey Sam, I don’t feel good about the fact that you never invited us ever for anything in your life – your wedding, your house-warming or anything; but are prompt to not just accept our invite but also self-invited your parents (for the record, I have nothing against your parents; they are sweeter than you ever were and even invited us home when you never did).

Anyway, please disregard our invite.”

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“ESH- mostly him. Almost entirely him. Not only is he clearly not a particularly good friend to you guys by not inviting you to the wedding or his housewarming, but he added his parents to your invite and then had the most ridiculous list of demands for not only the food that they need to be served but that you were not allowed to order from any place that cooked any of these items.

He has to know how difficult it is to accommodate his parents and yet he expected you to do it even though they weren’t invited.

Your message to him honestly didn’t gain you any high ground.

You made it clear that this was about your hurt feelings and not his entitlement. Which kind of puts you in the position of sounding petty. Pointing out to him that you simply can’t accommodate his parents and that you are surprised that he would invite them to someone else’s housewarming party with this many restrictions would have 100% put you in the “keeping reasonable boundaries” department.

Since you made it about him not inviting you anywhere, you now seem like you are spiteful.” concrit_blonde

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s your party, you’re allowed to invite or not invite anyone you wish.

That said, you said you’re not that close to this guy, so why did it bug you to not be invited to his wedding?

Also, while uninviting him because he said he’d bring multiple people along without asking is fine, uninviting him because he didn’t invite you to his wedding and housewarming feels retributive.  So I’m just curious, what’s the honest answer here – good you uninvited him because he’s bringing his parents, or because he didn’t invite you to his events?” RecommendsMalazan

Another User Comments:

“Honestly you’re nicer than I.

My dad tried doing this with my wedding, inviting someone with him and I shut that down immediately. Albeit in a not-as-polite manner. So ima say NTJ cause it’s one thing to invite “average/normal” people who don’t have a million diet restrictions, it’s another to invite people other than yourself AND have a million restrictions for the uninvited guests.” Swimming-Low-6895

Another User Comments:

“You should have said something when he told you he was bringing his parents.

It is rude to invite people to someone else’s gathering. When you didn’t he should have told you their dietary restrictions THEN. Giving them at the 11th hour is also rude.

Just based on that I would have no problem uninviting someone.

Add in the snubbings you found about.

I would have talked to them ASAP and not waited. It is up to you who comes to your get-together and someone who has shown they aren’t a friend doesn’t belong there.

Once again, I would have no qualms about uninviting someone based on that.

You could have handled it better by dealing with things from the start. Or even making sure they weren’t on your group chat. Start a new one without them.

All in all, though you are NTJ … your “friends” are.” RoadNo9352

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Beenthruit 2 months ago
NTJ but Sam definitely is. When someone invites you to their home, you don't bring others along.
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10. AITJ For Giving My Co-Worker An Extra Gift?

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“So I (25f) love to crochet. Especially blankets – but since most of my family and friends already got several blankets I’ve made – I pretty much jump on every opportunity to gift someone a self-made blanket.

So when one of my coworkers told us she was pregnant I pretty much immediately started working on a baby blanket for her.

The baby’s due in a few weeks and my coworkers started collecting funds and putting together a baby gift for her.

I contributed to that gift as well but didn’t put my blanket in there. I had already wrapped it and written a card with care instructions and everything, ready to gift to her.

To be honest I didn’t even think about putting it in the communal gift – I don’t really know why, just didn’t come to mind.

So today was the last day of my coworker being in the office, and in the morning everyone got together and gave her the gift they put together.

I didn’t want to give her my gift then as well since I felt it would’ve been weird to be like “oh and here’s one just from me” so I waited till we went out to get lunch and gave it to her then.

She was super happy about both gifts and after lunch, she wrote an email to the whole team thanking them for being so thoughtful and nice. And she attached a pic of the gift basket as well as the blanket.

So that’s kinda how my other coworkers found out about the blanket. It was a pretty weird afternoon after that. They all kinda avoided me and gave me weird looks until I confronted them about it.

Asking why they were being so weird and they pretty much told me that they felt like I wanted to outdo their gift and that it was weird that we agreed on a communal gift and I made her a blanket anyways.

I told them that I was sorry and that it was not at all my intention but I’d been working on the blanket ever since she told us she was pregnant and didn’t know that it was expected to only give her the communal gift and nothing else.

They said it was a pretty bad move from me but that it’s too late to change it anyways and to just stick to the communal gift next time or put my gift in the basket as well.

Tbh I don’t really get it – but I’m pretty new to the whole baby gifting thing since this is the first time someone close to me is pregnant.

Was that a shitty thing to do? Me and my coworker aren’t really super close – like we’re “just” work friends.

Was it too much?

I’m really not sure. Is there like a rule book or something?

So.. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. My boss had a baby in March. We did a communal gift but I also crocheted a blanket for her baby separately, and my coworkers were super hype about it.

I suppose the difference might have been that I’m an avid crocheter, it’s all I talk about, I have a side business with it so my coworkers knew I’d make a blanket even if I didn’t tell them, but I did, and had them help me pick out colors.

But even so, NTJ, it’s a special thing and your coworker with the baby appreciates it and that’s what matters.” softyookiki

Another User Comments:

“NJH, though you have been very naive. It’s common sense that, if you are partaking in a communal gift, getting another “solo” gift makes others look bad because someone obviously spent more funds/time/resources than them.

It’s not a rule per se, but your coworkers are understandably frustrated. It’s appreciable that you gave it to her in private, at least.

The way I believe you should have acted is, you should’ve declined when they asked you to partake in the communal gift since you were already investing in your own gift, I think they’d have been understanding if you explained crocheting is your hobby and that it makes sense for you to gift something handmade.

If they ostracize you after this, though, they’re huge jerks.” bvnnysl4y3r

Another User Comments:

“You are super nice and decent by contributing to the communal fund in addition to your gift, and no one can forbid the gifting of extra gifts, especially when it’s something like it like a homemade crotcheted blanket!

If the team bought a gift basket together and you went out of your way to outdo them and get a better but very similar gift basket, that would have been odd.

No harm was done, she seems to be super happy, don’t let them spoil your fun! NTJ” Fettnaepfchen

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I’m into various arts and crafts and often make people gifts when the occasion lends itself to it, sometimes in addition to buying gifts. I had a very similar situation in the workplace and found that sometimes people get needlessly upset over this sort of thing.

Lots of passive-aggressive comments. I noticed that it’s the competitive people who tend to take issues. Some of us just see the gift as just that — a gift, something for the recipient to enjoy.

Nothing more. Competitive (and possibly insecure) people make it about themselves and think that they’re being purposefully one-upped. It doesn’t sound like this was that kind of gift. It sounds like it was just a thoughtful one.” paul_rudds_drag_race

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Doglady 2 months ago
NTJ You did a very nice thing and you enjoyed doing it. Your coworkers are jerks for being mad at you for doing something so very nice and time consuming. You planned way in advance. Next time just skip the communal gift and enjoy crocheting something. The person should have sent you a separate, personal thank you for the special gift.
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9. AITJ For Telling My Parents Not To See My Kids?

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“My (23M) parents and I had a good relationship all the way up until my wife and I got married and got pregnant with our son (15mo). Throughout the entire pregnancy, they showed no interest and made backhanded comments about how they would be financially supporting this baby, we haven’t taken a cent from them since that comment, were making comments to my family about how we were moving too fast and that they just weren’t ready to be grandparents, plus a lot more.

It all came to a head when my son was a week old and we invited them over to meet him, after months of my mom complaining about us planning on keeping him from people for a while after he was born so he didn’t get sick.

She would tell random grocery store workers how disappointed she was she couldn’t see him until he was a bit older. We needed help so my MIL came to stay and we obviously wanted my parents to have the same option to see him.

They agreed on plans to come over, plans we verified multiple times, and blew them off last minute for some dance classes they were taking.

Anyways we had a huge falling out over that, and we’ve been in low contact with them since then.

We’re pregnant again and the same thing, they have no interest in the pregnancy, never check on how our son is doing, and never come see him. We live 2 hours away but they never made an effort to see him when we lived right next door (and I mean literally 15 seconds away).

They had planned to come down to see me because they never ask to see my son, they always ask when they can come to see me. I hate this but hope they become better grandparents so agreed to let them come today.

They said they’d be here at 3 pm. I verified and said, “okay so you’ll be here at 3?” And they agreed and then said they weren’t going to stay long at all to get home before dark, which left maybe a 30 minute-1 hour window they’d be here.

2 pm rolls around and they text me saying they decided to go to a sit-down restaurant and they’d be here closer to 430. Our son is 15mo and has a schedule.

I told them not to bother and go back home. My dad called and said he didn’t think it was a big deal and they didn’t know he had a schedule.

I told them it’s been this way since my wife was pregnant and they’ve never given much effort or interest. He didn’t have much to say except “well I text sometimes to see how things are going”.

I got off the phone because I’m honestly tired of it being like this.

My family all thinks we’re unreasonable but my in-laws all think we’re right for setting boundaries. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Firstly, they show no interest in your pregnancies.

That just shows their lack of respect for you and your child. And when they finally decide to see your son they flake off? That’s not on.

Secondly, it seems like they prioritize personal activities and interests over your son.

I mean, I would understand if it was a one-time thing, but first dance classes and now going to a restaurant?

You are setting boundaries, which is a good thing, or else, the parents will just try and keep prying their way into your life and then flake off last minute.

You’re in the right.

NTJ.” Fun-Willingness9398

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Even without all the extra backstory of them being so apathetic about their grandkids and so rude about the pregnancy, you wouldn’t be the jerk, because they blew off the agreed-upon plans and your young son has a schedule he needs to stay on.

But with the extra backstory, they really become jerks.

They don’t get to pick and choose which parts of the parent and grandparent relationship they want. They don’t want to be involved in the pregnancy or make an actual effort to spend time with you or your kids.

Fine, they don’t have to, but then they don’t get all the benefits of getting to see you all, either.” finallyinfinite

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Someone who “isn’t ready to be grandparents” has made their choice.

After saying that, how much involvement should you have expected from then? It sounds like they made trouble all through the pregnancy, interfered, and now they want to contact.

Your son is over a year old and this is still going on.

It’s time to do exactly what you did and set boundaries for their behavior. The child is not a zoo animal on exhibit at all hours, he’s your son and your family has a schedule. Everyone can respect that, or not participate in family activities.

It’s not that hard to text and say “what time is convenient to come to see you on x day” and then show up right around that time. Particularly with toddlers, it’s really important for their development to have that schedule and stability in their day.” MmeHomebody

Another User Comments:

“ESH.

They sound like poor grandparents, no question. Not harmful and malignant, just not people you can rely on for much of anything. They may or may not ever be able to do something for you or your son.

They have been less caring and helpful than you wish and they hurt your feelings. Maybe they never had good parenting, which is how most of us learn how to do it.

You can be retaliatory and cut off what little contact and caring they currently are willing to provide, which might also reduce future benefits. Or you could try to encourage them to become better parents and grandparents, and just maybe they might improve with time.

Maybe they would be better grandparents for a child old enough to talk. Maybe in a few years, they would be willing to assist you or your children financially in some way that seems unlikely now.

You don’t have to read this AITJ forum for very long before realizing how many people have had poor parenting and feel hurt, deprived, and damaged by it. For many Redditors, reducing contact seems the only response in their repertoire. Alternatively, you can try and improve the relationship, coaching them (not shaming them) to do better for both you and your children.”  Alteripse

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jake 2 months ago
NTJ The safety of your children means NO DRAMA. Seems that your parents don't care about your kids. Going low to no contact is all about peace and tranquility. Your infant has a schedule. Most kids have a schedule. If your parents are going to be rude, they don't need to be in your lives.
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8. AITJ For Making My Husband Shower?

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“I (21f) and my husband (21m) live together. My husband is a very messy person. So I do the majority of the housework, make his lunch, etc. I work from home so I have the extra time and don’t complain about it much.

Growing up I was taught to make the bed properly and keep clean sheets. My grandma even went as far as making us wipe our feet off with a wet washcloth before bed.

There are 6 pillows, a top sheet, and the quilted comforter that goes on top. After a long day, I just want to lay in a nice clean bed. I will admit I am a little particular about it.

The slightest bit of dirt or stain I will wash them and put new sheets on.

My husband is in the Army so he works outside doing various tasks. Most of the time he comes home sweaty and gross.

He plays his video games but never really washes off the stink because he takes a shower in the morning before work. He isn’t that dirty but thinking of all the places he has been and the dirt going onto my clean sheets freaks me out.

The problem is I have seen him lay on just the mattress with no sheets or if I didn’t change them he would go for months without changing them. So if I don’t enforce my rules he would end up laying in filth.

I told him that I want him to shower before bed or he can sleep on the couch. He says that I am being unreasonable and it’s not that big of a deal.

So AITJ?”

Another User Comments: 

“NTJ. I work in trades and I know a guy who doesn’t shower after work because he prefers to shower in the morning. I work the same job as him, I know how dirty we get, on top of sweating.

I can’t for the life of me comprehend how he doesn’t feel gross afterward to not want to shower right away. Let alone getting into bed and sleeping that way. I made a remark to him that he’s technically only clean for a couple of hours a day.

There are a few job exceptions where showering after work isn’t necessary but in your husband’s case, it seems like he should.

You sound a bit nit-picky in other areas but wanting him to shower after work seems reasonable.” BostezoRIF

Another User Comments: 

“ESH. Neither your solution nor his is sustainable if you two want to share the same bed.

You need to broker a compromise.

Leave aside the sheets for a second. If he’s routinely stinky and sweaty, and you can tell as much from being next to him in bed, then that’s a jerk move.

And I absolutely understand that messiness can be infuriating from a housemate.

But you admit that your standards are a bit, uh, stringent. To me, it sounds like overkill to change the sheets after “the slightest bit of dirt or stain.” And you also offer that “he isn’t that dirty” — but that you get freaked out when you imagine all the dirt that might be transferred onto your sheets.

It’s good to care about cleanliness, but not to a compulsive degree.

You’re right that, if it were up to him, you’d be living in filth. But the conclusion can’t be “…therefore he has to be subject to my incredibly strict cleanliness standards.” Even if that were fair, I think it’d be doomed; he’d just resent it.

So don’t “enforce [your] rules”; enforce some rules.

By definition, a slob cares too little about cleanliness, and a neat freak cares too much. When they have to live together, the solution cannot be for one of them to kowtow to the other’s standards.

The solution must be to develop an external standard.

Come up with some sort of objective test! When he gets into bed, try taking a whiff of him — not in a gross area, but maybe in a gross-adjacent area, like on the shoulder instead of deep within his armpit.

If he fails the test, then he should have to shower. If not, then he’s entitled to sleep in the bed as-is, and you can decide whether to move to the couch.

This is a pretty dumb example and I haven’t spent a bunch of time on it, but you get the idea.

I think he should switch to nighttime showers altogether rather than shower twice in one day. But if he gets into bed without having showered, I think you need something stronger than “you might be icky and that makes me feel icky.”

I don’t think you need to feel ashamed of your high bedtime cleanliness standards.

But you should also realize that most people’s grandmas didn’t make them wipe their feet before they got into bed — so your high standards are bound to clash with the standards of most people that you’d be sharing a bed with.” savetheclocktower

Another User Comments: 

“YTJ – I had a different verdict at first because laying on the mattress without sheets is gross.

HOWEVER, Making him sleep on the couch is too much, I’d say because you don’t own that marital bed by yourself.

What gives you the right to kick him out? This is why I voted the way I did.

Otherwise, I get you, and it sounds like the eternal debate between people who shower in the morning vs people who shower in the evening.

It feels like you two aren’t compatible and/or willing to compromise, and only you know if it’s the hill you wanna die on. I guess you can always get separate beds…” oddpolyglot

Another User Comments: 

“NJH.

I think it’s fine to ask the husband if he could just rinse off when he gets home. Come home, rinse off, and change into house clothes. And then take a regular shower in the morning.

I also think it is acceptable for him to not want to take 2 showers a day. I also think you might benefit from help with OCD if you aren’t already working on it.

The reality is our hormones fluctuate through the 24-hour day, the month, and the year. Both of you will have moments of sweat while you sleep even if you aren’t so uncomfortable that it wakes you.

So while you don’t want him in the sheets unless he is clean, your sheets are still getting dirty with sweat overnight. The difference being your husband begins his day clean and you end your day clean. Some things are truly preferences and you need to work together for a solution.” Abcdezyx54321

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MamaC 3 months ago
NTJ: you’re right, he is gross, and I literally have nothing else to say. I am very weirded out by his behavior.
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7. AITJ For Letting My Kids Complain?

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“My ex hasn’t seen the kids in years. He talks to them once in a while on the phone.

We have been divorced for 10 years. He hasn’t seen them other than at my daughter’s plays in almost 4 years, by his own choice.

My oldest DD(16) is his obvious favorite. He talks to her all the time, sends her gifts on her birthday, and goes to her plays. He just favors her. Ask any of the 3 kids and they will tell you she is his favorite, even she will tell you she is his favorite and hates her brother.

Yet even she will say he sucks as a dad… And has him listed as “Went for Milk” on her phone.

He doesn’t talk to my son (15) if he can avoid it.

He has never liked my son much and “forgets” his birthday and doesn’t go to his activities that my son invites him to. My son has given up and just goes about his life, if he needs a “man” he will go to grandpa or uncle or even my parnter.

He will flat-out say his dad sucks and that his dad hates him. He won’t call him or tell him anything anymore since he missed something important to him last year ( I think that was the final straw).

He makes offhand comments about how bad his dad is randomly. I think it’s his way of coping.

My youngest (13) will talk to him sometimes but calls him “Crusty, Musty” but I know it hurts her and she will cry that she wishes he dad loved her.

He doesn’t show up for her activities either. She gave up inviting him a couple of years ago. She does the same thing as my son and makes offhand comments about how much her dad sucks.

( her comments about her dad are more silly.. Like calling him crusty-musty, a monkey butt, or smelly)

I allow them to say what they want about him (I don’t talk to him or about him at all).

Well, my mom heard something my son said about his dad not loving him and how much he sucks.

My son had attempted to call his dad and ask him about something and his dad told him he was “too tired to talk to him” So my son was mad because he actually bothered to call and was still pushed off.

My mom thinks I should put a stop to these comments, I say they are teens and know how their dad is. My Ex text me, a few times to “tell” me that I need to tell the kids to respect him.

I just ignore him.

I don’t think it’s hurting anyone, and it’s a way to get their feelings out.

AITJ for allowing the kids to say what they want about their dad, even to his “face”?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ no I think it’s therapeutic for them.

Like one of the commenters say is work relationship works both ways. So they’re saying how they feeling and they expressing it. Have you gotten therapy for them maybe? Maybe that would help him too.

I mean they’re old enough to form their own opinions about their dad. And like you said they clearly have a favorite. I just hope they not holding the favorite sibling responsible for their father’s actions.” SnooChipmunks3950

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

First of all, this is the bed your ex made for himself. If he doesn’t like it, he knows what he has to do to fix his relationship with the kids.

Second, you aren’t encouraging the kids, you simply aren’t putting a stop to it. And allowing them to vent their frustrations like this is actually good for them.

I was in a similar situation, except that my father became estranged when I was an adult, so I know it sucks, and it really does help to be able to express your feeling about your absent parent.

Your mother really needs to stay out of the whole situation. And your ex needs to learn that respect is a two-way street.” bamf1701

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

At 13, 15, & 16, anything you say about how they feel (which is what comes out of their mouths) it would be classified as hypocritical from their perspective.

This is the clear consequences of their dad’s actions & inactions.

BUT I maintain an opinion that Just because adults are biological parents does not automatically entitle them to “respect”… which I realize for many is a near blasphemous attitude of parental authority & respect.

All that really might be heard by them as authentic & truthful from you, is to emphasize there’s a time & place for this display of contempt.

That’s a normal thing for all of us… the face & behavior we display at school is different from home w families and another with peer friends. Tone it down around those like their grandmother who have no concept of the emotional hurt their father has caused in their lives.

Now as to his wishes…

you could tell him that just like you have never spoken negatively of him, neither will you tell them how they should be to him. If he really cared, he’d make some sort of an effort.

He’s earned what he’s sowed. And as a parent, it’s his job to BE the parent instead of even leaving it to you to tell them they should “respect” him better than they do.” SeraEck

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Beenthruit 2 months ago
NTJ and your mom needs to stay out of it. They are teens and have a right to their opinions.
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6. AITJ For Refusing To Buy My Daughter A Birthday Cake?

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“I have been going out with my partner for over a year now. She has one daughter who we’ll call Hailey, who turns 16 in two weeks. I have a daughter of my own who I have joint custody over we’ll call Daisy, whos 10.

Her mother sees her on the weekends but due to her personal struggles, she does not care for Daisy in any capacity outside of her weekend visits. Even then when she is returned she does not seem fully cared for, but that’s court-ordered.

Our breakup was mutual, so we maintain a relatively chill and friendly co-parentship despite her issues.

I have been going through hard times. Got laid off from my job 2 months ago, and only recently found another position to take up.

While my partner does crafts, our savings dwindled during that time. When my daughter’s birthday came up, it was either we threw a party or got her the present she wanted (Some $150 microscope kit for kids).

My partner and I decided that it was better to celebrate privately with a gift for her to enjoy. We did not invite any family or friends over to avoid extra costs and judgments.

We just wanted her to enjoy her gift, and play some games with us. Daisy seemed a little disappointed when we explained to her how we were going to handle her birthday prior, but she seemed to be having a good time and was happy when she knew what to expect.

Now it’s my partner’s daughter’s birthday. We now have the finances now so I wanted to throw her a nice sweet 16 for her birthday. I’m not too sure if this is still a thing people consider a big deal, but when I was a teenager all my female friends had big parties.

During the planning, my ex suggested buying a full sheet birthday cake for Daisy so when Hailey’s friends sing her happy birthday she could also get her “make a wish” moment this year and feel special with her ‘sister’.

She even suggested inviting 2 of Daisy’s friends over to spend the night away from the older girls.

I told her absolutely not. Not only was it going to be Hailey’s special day, but Daisy seemed content with what she had.

It has also been over a month, it’d be a bit ridiculous. She accused me of only caring about my ‘new’ kid, and that she would never snub Daisy the way I am to Hailey with her partner’s kid (which I personally believe she does for the sake of that kid).

She has been very hostile towards me since, it doesn’t seem like she’s going to get over this soon. AITJ or was this an unreasonable request?

To clarify, Daisy is used to the typical middle-class child party.

Renting the ‘party room’ of a small children’s venue and getting whatever package they offer, inviting the class, ect. I want a fair judgement, so I won’t make it out as if this was exactly Daisy’s ideal party.

She wanted something at Dave N busters with her friends, we just couldn’t do it at the time. As for Haileys, this year we are renting out a local venue with a pool and hosting a party there with a DJ.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

The fact that you didn’t have funds a month ago and do now, doesn’t change the fact that you are throwing an elaborate party for one daughter after having canceled a birthday party for your other one.

Of course, she’s taking from that, that she’s less valued.

I might not do a cake and invite Daisy’s friends, I might offer her a makeup party on a different date instead.

But yeah, your ex is right and you’re treating Daisy poorly. There’s no reason not to make up now for having failed to give her a party before.” Irish_Whiskey

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

But not for not wanting to get a cake for your daughter. For what it’s worth, this is a very sweet idea from your partner.

No, you’re the jerk because a month ago, you could only manage a gift for your daughter and nothing more for her birthday? And now, 30 days later, you can manage a “nice sweet 16” party for your partner’s daughter?

How do you think that looks to your daughter? I’ll tell you, it looks like you care more about your partner and her child than you do her.

Or worse, it’ll look like you skipped out on her party so you could afford your partner’s daughter’s birthday.” LadyF16

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. It’s okay to not get Daisy a cake or have her do a co-birthday with Hailey, but what you DO need to do is make up her party FIRST.

It’s only been one month; Daisy, and everyone else, will feel like you screwed over Daisy so you could have the income to spoil Hailey. It doesn’t matter if that was your intention or not – that is how Daisy will feel about it and nothing you could ever say would convince her otherwise.

She already has an unsupportive mother; don’t be a bad father as well. Even if you don’t do a big party, talk with Daisy, and let her know you legitimately didn’t have the funds for both a party and her gift a month ago, but now that you do have funds, you want to do a belated celebration for her so she can invite 2 or 3 of her best friends to do a DnB night (not quite a party, but at least in the ballpark of what she wanted).

Again, this has to happen BEFORE Hailey’s party or you will destroy Daisy emotionally and make her feel like you are throwing her aside to give everything to your “new” daughter and that is something she will never, EVER recover from.” ProfPlumDidIt

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I assume your daughter will also get a sweet 16? This is life. Some days we celebrate one person. Sometimes we celebrate others. Some celebrations are huge, some are intimate. Although in this one particular scenario finances were partially at play, the financial part is irrelevant.

Your stepdaughter is having an “important birthday.” It would be no more correct to buy your daughter a cake than it would be to buy her a diploma when the older child graduates high school.

And in a few years, your daughter will celebrate her important birthday and the focus will be all on her alone as it should be.

I want to be clear that I don’t mean This Is Life in the hateful way some do right before they say or do something cruel to a kid or when they want to simply dismiss a kid’s feelings.

I mean it in a ‘life moves in waves and every part of it is important and special but it won’t always look the same’ way. I’m sure your daughter was disappointed at first but really enjoyed her day with you.

And if your ex doesn’t spoil it and convince her it should be otherwise, I bet she will enjoy helping plan and being excited for her soon-to-be sister’s day as well.” SoloPiName

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CletusSnow 2 months ago
For future reference: It costs maybe $4 to bake your own cake from a box mix! Another dollar if you need to buy a disposable cake pan because you don't own one. You easily could have made your daughter a darn cake with candles on her own birthday. I can't believe neither of you coukd figure that out?
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5. AITJ For Siding With My Daughter Over My Wife?

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“My wife and our daughter, Natalie (20F) get along alright now. However, from about the time Natalie was 15 until she was 18, they didn’t. Some of it was teen angst, but a majority of it was my wife being too hard on Natalie and placing her dreams on her.

In these arguments, I often took Natalie’s side and told my wife why, standing up for Natalie each and every time. Eventually, my wife and Natalie sought out therapy. My wife realized she had a lot of stuff from her own childhood that she was transferring onto our daughter.

She’s apologized and tried to do better since, but things are of course fragile.

Natalie attends college and lives in the dorms. As she’s only 2 hours away, she does come home on occasion and did so this past weekend.

She’s currently looking for a job up around where she attends college but has had some trouble finding one that will fit her schedule (she has classes at odd hours so can really only work weekends and many places in the area want more commitment).

As it also happens, my wife has her own business, and right now because of the economy, business is slow.

Natalie made herself lunch on Sunday and left a bit of a mess in her wake.

My wife asked her to clean it up. Natalie did so, but rushed through it by her own admission and still left a bit of a mess. My wife got irritated and asked her to finish.

As Natalie was heading into the kitchen, my wife muttered “I can see why you can’t find a job”. Natalie asked what she just said and my wife repeated herself. Natalie was clearly hurt and replied, “I wouldn’t talk about my lack of a job, aren’t you hurting for clients right now?”

My wife flipped.

She told Natalie she can’t speak to her that way, how dare she talk about her career. She then started saying if Natalie has so many smart comments about her business, she can be cut off financially (we pay for her schooling including dorm fees, textbooks, and stock her mini-fridge).

That’s when I stepped in and asked my wife to come with me to our room. I said she can be upset by Natalie’s comment, but we’re not cutting her off financially.

One, that’s not a choice she can make on her own. Two, I don’t feel the comment warrants it. Was it overstepping? Maybe, but at the same time, she did make a comment about Natalie’s lack of a job when it had nothing to do with what she was upset about.

My wife says I should stand by her and back her up. She pointed out that Natalie had asked us for funds to load her mini-fridge (we typically do this once a month) and she wasn’t going to give it to her now.

I said I would.

My wife refused to say goodbye to Natalie when she left. Once she did, we got into a huge argument where my wife told me that I am supposed to take her side.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments: 

“NTJ. You are not “supposed to take your wife’s side.” You are supposed to do whatever would be best for your daughter. The child comes first, always. The only reason it’s typically a good idea to side with your partner instead of your child in these situations is that often, what is best for the child is to have the security of knowing that the adults are presenting a united front.

But that’s a usually, not an always.

In this case, your wife went WAY overboard, for very little reason — Natalie made an obnoxious remark, that’s all; and one very similar to the equally obnoxious remark that your wife had already made to her, unprompted.

First of all, that’s nowhere near adequate grounds for cutting off her school funding (and you should never threaten something you’re not actually willing to do).

Second of all, as you correctly pointed out, there’s no way one parent should be threatening to cut off her funding without the other’s approval.

Third of all, your wife has no business dishing out nasty comments if she can’t take them.

Get her individual therapy, separate from the family therapy you mentioned that they went through.

It sounds like your wife has some serious issues surrounding her lack of comfort with her own authority if she’s freaking out so badly at exactly the same type of disrespect from your daughter that she had initiated toward your daughter.

Someone who felt secure in her parental role wouldn’t have made such comments in the first place, and she certainly wouldn’t have flipped out if they were made to her.” VoyagerVII

Another User Comments: 

“NTJ NTJ NTJ.

God, I wish my father had stood up for me like you did for your daughter.

He usually tried to pretend it didn’t happen or would say something like “you’re right but she’s your parent and you need to be respectful all the time.”

I always thought that was unfair, and I’d reckon Natalie does as well by her response.

It’s not fair for your wife to lash out at her in a way she’s not allowed to respond in. It probably deeply hurts your daughter that her mother is irritated by her mess more than she is happy to spend the weekend with her daughter.

If this relationship continues in this way, Natalie would be well within her rights to rarely visit again after the financial obligation is over; that’s the message your wife is sending her.

If I could talk directly to your wife, I’d implore her to consider what she’s modeling and whether her actions are forging the relationship she wants to have in the next 10, 15, or 20 years.

Does she want to be close with her daughter? She isn’t owed that relationship, even if she might feel that way. Why would anyone go out of their way to spend time and care for someone who makes them feel shame? Does she expect her daughter to do so just because she birthed her? Why would she want that for her child?

My mom was similar, very highly critical over things that weren’t malicious or intentional on my part.

It was constant, and always seemed tied to my character. She was unpredictable; sometimes something was fine, and sometimes it was an explosion.

I’ve just gone mostly no contact with my mother, and it breaks my heart even as I know it’s what I need right now.

I don’t want that. I want a mom I can be honest and safe with, who doesn’t mind my mistakes and issues but loves me anyways. Every child wants that. It hurts not to have that, and to wonder if you really were that bad and if it would have been better if you just had been a bit of a better daughter.

Don’t let your daughter feel that way.

Keep being the voice of reason for your wife, but more than that – tell your daughter how you feel. Make sure she knows you think your wife was overreacting, and that you don’t blame her too.

It will mean the world to her.” VioletReaver

Another User Comments: 

“YTJ. I know everyone here is hating on your wife for antagonizing her daughter but I really can’t without more info. I did see however that your daughter got no consequences for disrespecting your wife.

She came home, made a mess, had to be told to clean it up, did a bad job cleaning, and left a mess behind. In frustration, your wife insulted her. With hurt feelings, your daughter insulted her back.

Things escalated from there and threats were made about financial help.

You told your wife that she could not make those threats and treated your daughter as if she did nothing wrong. Your wife is mad because you let your daughter disrespect her with no consequences.

It’s hard in these situations when there is a backstory and everyone did something wrong.

But you are now spoiling your daughter and creating distance between you and your wife. I think you have forgotten that you and your wife are supposed to be on the same team and should be working together in life.

Maybe she forgot that too. Your marriage is in trouble and if you want to save it then you should get some couple’s therapy.” Few_Improvement_6357

Another User Comments: 

“ESH You admit to always taking your daughter’s side and it’s been ongoing for years.

That makes you a bad husband. If your wife is that awful then why still be married to her? Your daughter did a crap job and was called out on it.

You didn’t tell your daughter to do better, you only called out your wife. You should try having her back sometime. Your wife shouldn’t have said what she did, but it sounds like a build-up of frustration based on their history. And your daughter is spoiled and knows daddy is always going to have her back regardless of behavior.” seoullimited

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Pcogale 2 months ago
NTJ. You might want to have a closer look at your wife behaviour towards her daughter. Do you have any other kids? If you do, what's she like with them?

Has Natalie always had a mind of her own and your wife was unable to control her to her terms.

It nearly sounds like Natalie is a bit of a scapegoat and her mother is taking things out on her. Your wife sounds like she had some issue in her childhood - is she like her parents? Did her mother treat her like she is treating Natalie? Maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

This is hard. Natalie would be complete in her right to have nothing to do with her mother if this is what her behaviour is like towards her.

I'm glad you stood up for Natalie. That comment was below the belt unless there is more to the story. You may find you have some difficult decisions to make in the future if Natalie decides she doesn't want anything to do with her mother.. which she has every right to do!
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4. AITJ For Using My Sister's Baby Name?

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“My wife is currently 8 months pregnant and we are very very excited. We will be having a boy. My sister Mia just broke up with her now ex-fiance one month ago.

In the past, she has claimed “dibs” on a certain name for her future kid. Lets say its “Jake”. There’s not a real significance to the name to her other than she likes it.

Anyway, so my wife and I are thinking of boy names and my wife also has always loved “Jake” as a name for a boy. So much that it’s the front-runner for her.

We have a “2 yes, one no” rule for names, and there’s been a lot of potential ones that one of us didn’t love so we had to rule them out.

Jake is fine to me. It wouldn’t have been my first choice but I do like it and it’s nice to have some alignment between us. I told my mother when she was over at our house and she said something about how Mia always wanted that name too.

I said yeah I know but my wife loves it as well and we are actually having a kid very soon where Mia is single and has said she’s been “swearing off romance” for a while (Which I totally understand after having an engagement fall through).

So who knows if she’ll even have kids, also if they’ll even be a boy if she does and that her future partner would also be on board with that name.

Well at some point my mom tells Mia our plans and she freaks out. Accuses me and my wife (who liked the name before she met Mia) of stealing her name and all this.

I point out that it’s just a name and nobody can have “rights” to it. She then swears she was going to use it and proceeds to call my wife bad things.

I then pointed out that she’s not pregnant, not seeing anyone and there’s no way to know that she’d ever even had the chance to use it ever given her situation.

She says that I was shaming her for being single and being a name thief. She is still very very angry. AITJ here or is she being unreasonable?

I have no issue with Mia using the same name should she ever have a son and a partner on board with the name.

They’d most likely have different last names and even if not, it wouldn’t bother me at all. it feels dumb to shoot down a name my wife loves, and I like, just because one day my sister may have a boy and end up using it.

Didn’t expect so many passionate responses (on both sides). I accept that YTJ had the most upvotes. We will still use the name unless we come up with one we like more.

At the end of the day, my wife’s happiness means more than opinions from internet strangers and I truly see no issue with cousins having the same first name. We will be giving him my wife’s maiden name as a middle name so it’s not like they will have the same full name.”

Another User Comments:

“ESH

It was unkind and unnecessary of you to point out there was “no chance of knowing she’d ever even have the opportunity to use it given her situation”.

You mean the situation where she’s just broken up with someone she was planning on spending her life with and now she has no guarantee of meeting someone else or having the family she was planning on? That’s cold to point out even if she’s taking a break from dating for now to recover.

It’s not like she’s sworn off marriage and babies forever.” veganvampirebat

Another User Comments:

“This is a drama and a fight that could have been so easily avoided by picking another name.

You knew she would get upset, the name means nothing to you, she had to find out through gossip, and you added insult to injury by telling her she might not even ever have children.

It’s just a name and she’s not currently using it, and maybe she shouldn’t care so much.

Still, everything you did just added to it and made it so much more hurtful. It’s not even about the name, it’s about the disregard for her feelings and when she told you she was hurt you threw her recent breakup in her face by pointing out that she is single as if that makes her feelings less valid.

You didn’t have to give up the name but you didn’t even warn her that her favorite name was in the contest, so you showed no care for her. It all seems quite spiteful when it’s “just a name”.

So why not pick another?

I was going with ESH when I started this comment because it’s just a name and not a personal attack on her, but turns out I think YTJ.

This is such an unnecessary fight. You may be right in that she doesn’t own the name, but is it really worth the damage it will make with your family dynamics? Pick another, or make it a middle name or something.” could_not_care_more

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I can’t tell you how many guys named Peter or Anthony are in our family. You can’t own a name. I’d say you were being an AH if the kid was a newborn and you came up right behind with another with the same name – I’d still say you could do it, though.

In this case, she’s not pregnant, not in a relationship, and not likely to pop a kid out soon? There’s no guarantee that she’ll EVER have a kid with that name, she can’t lock it out in perpetuity.” Lurkingentropy

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for the name, YTJ for your attitude towards your sister.

No one owns a name.

But your comment to her about being single was cruel. One month is not a lot of time for someone she was engaged to, and she’s presumably mourning the children she’d thought she’d have with her now ex, as well as the end of that relationship.

Unless she had an affair or has a habit of being a horrible human being, I don’t see why you have such a lack of empathy for her pain and have such intense contempt for her.

You are not wrong for choosing that name.

However, you choosing that name is acting as a way to reinforce to her that her worst fears might be true: she won’t be able to have a child of her own, a child she’s always dreamed about.

That’s not necessarily rational since the two events have nothing to do with one another, and you aren’t responsible for her feelings, but they also aren’t hard to figure out. You could handle this with a lot more empathy regardless of your decision about the name.

If you do love your sister and there’s no reason for this contempt, you should apologize to her for what you said, and tell her first and foremost that her fears won’t be true, that you look forward to your kids, whatever their names, even if they have the same name, playing together some day. The actual problem is less the name and more that she’s scared and you’re reinforcing her fears regardless of intent.” lilysjasmine92

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Doglady 2 months ago
NTJ Your sister does not own the name. The fact that this is a name your wife had also wanted just points out that it is a name that is commonly used. It was harsh to point out to your sister that she was not in current need of a baby name. Small aplogy needed to her for that. Your mother is a jerk for trying to change your decision on using that name and not letting you, your wife and your sister work it out. Let your sister calm down and then aplogize but explain that you have need of a name and will be using it.
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3. AITJ For Using A Bark Controller On My Neighbor's Dog?

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“Neighbors whose backyard faces mine (I’ll call them Backyard) have a gorgeous, big dog who barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and barks and… you get the idea.

For hours. I’ve timed it. I know his bark, by this point.

Another neighbor (I’ll call her KidMom) has very young children and there was a confrontation early this summer: Backyard and I had spoken and had a pleasant enough interaction, and KidMom had spoken with an adult member of Backyard’s household and thought it was resolved, but nothing changed.

KidMom finally got fed up and called the cops. I forget how it came about but Backyard thought I was the one who had called the cops and cussed me out over it.

I’m not the type to just let someone cuss me out. I told her I didn’t call the cops but she can deal with it herself, stop letting your dog bark for hours without letting him in.

So that didn’t go well but they don’t leave him out that long anymore, so it was a net win.

Until recently. Not for hours and hours like before, but still for a really really long time.

Tonight it went on for half an hour before me and the neighbors started to check in with each other. KidMom just had a baby a couple of days ago and was ready to call the cops again (it’s around 9pm).

I said wait let me try and I got my sonic bark controller and went out there. I’ve done it before. I figure if they won’t train their dog, I will.

It doesn’t hurt them, just makes a noise that bugs them and gives you a chance to correct them. Kind of like a dog whistle. Humans can’t hear it.

When used, it shines a flashing light (it’s also a flashlight) and a red laser pointer at the subject.

There is no concealing who is using it or whom it is pointed at.

You may remember my other neighbors (I’ll call them Puppies) with the puppies that are left out 24/7.

Surprisingly, they were actually out in their yard with their dogs. I saw an identical flashing light and laser pointer pointed at Backyard’s yard and figured they were trying the same trick.

When we were on friendlier terms I had actually suggested it and warned them about Backyard’s dog. Oh, the irony.

We’re no longer on friendly terms so i didn’t acknowledge them but carried on correcting the barking dog.

After a couple of corrections, he finally stopped barking and a few minutes later his people let him in. I don’t know if the Puppies told her it was me or if she saw the light.

20 minutes later I get a social media message from Backyard telling me not to point my light at her dog again or bother her dog again (I don’t think she knows it’s a sonic bark controller) Lol what?! But you can let your dog bay nonstop, for over half an hour?? I’m not doing it for fun, for pity’s sake.

I haven’t responded yet because I don’t have anything nice to say.

So, AITJ for taking matters into my own hands and using a bark controller to train my neighbor’s dog to stop barking, or should I have just let KidMom call the cops?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Had a similar problem with neighbors living in an apartment complex. Got one of those bark controllers that goes off in response to a bark, automatically. In my opinion, if you are going to be disturbed by the noise of constant dog barking in your own property, there’s absolutely no harm in getting a device that people can’t even hear and does what the owners are unwilling to do, i.e.

train their dogs to live in a place where people have infants, or work nights, or just don’t want to hear constant barking.” Invisigoth2113

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I checked with my vet first and she assured me this was fine and didn’t hurt the dog…so being at the end of my rope, I got one of these very small devices, which I just turned on and left unobtrusively on our screened back porch aimed at their backyard.

It’s battery-operated and only comes on when the dog barks and barks, and then he stops. I don’t have to stand there and point it at him, so I don’t understand how your neighbor even knows you’re using it.

I found out about these training devices from a friend who works the night shift at an emergency room and wasn’t getting crucial sleep. It sure seems better than calling the cops and fighting with neighbors.” HeartpineFloors

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, this is the right approach.

Whilst Backyard is clearly a jerk, you are 100% not to call the police on them. Being a jerk doesn’t mean they deserve the risk of being berated by the cops.

This isn’t a crime it’s civil nuisance and police shouldn’t get involved. You’d be better off taking civil legal action through small claims (if that’s a thing in your jurisdiction).

Your solution seems solid given the situation.” Remarkable-Intern-41

-1 points (1 votes)
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Cantstandthebull 2 months ago
As someone who has issues with my neighbors dogs (first few days after they moved in and now not on speaking terms) I say do whatever you need to. Their dogs attacked my animals and not one of them cared. Actually killed one of my animals I had to call animal control on them at least 3x. Finally at a point that I'm sick their animals coming into my yard bugging my animals that I will do whatever I need to do
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2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Raise My Child Religious?

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“I (31M) and my wife (29F) are finally expecting a child after a few months of trying. My wife is a Catholic, although I consider myself agnostic. Me and my wife have pretty similar views on things, except for religion and politics, and even then we’ve never let it get in the way of our relationship and usually have pretty civil conversations about that stuff.

The trouble began over my wife’s birthday in august. We had gone up to her parent’s house to go to mass with them. I’ve always bared going to church with her, although I don’t particularly want to.

Afterward, I was talking to my father-in-law and he had casually asked when we were going to get the baby baptized. Me and my wife had never talked about this before, so I simply told him my opinion.

I said I didn’t really want to baptize our child until they were old enough to decide on their own what they believed. He said he understood that and didn’t push it beyond that, and our conversation continued.

I left a minute later to go grab some more food, and that’s when I spotted my wife who had been listening to our conversation. She gave me a dirty look as if I had embarrassed her or something.

She didn’t say anything about it afterward, but it seems like she’s been laying hints or something. For example, she went out of her way to get a cross to put on the wall of the baby’s room that we decorated last week.

We didn’t have any kind of confrontation about it until a few days ago. We were sitting around watching tv together and she randomly mentioned wanting to baptize the baby after it was born.

I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable doing that because I thought the baby should be able to choose on their own and it wasn’t our place to simply tell them stuff about god as if it was a fact.

She said that not bringing the baby up Christian was essentially indoctrinating it to be an atheist like me (she refuses to say agnostic). I tried to explain to her that I was totally fine with the baby being Christian, but not until it was old enough to decide that on its own, but she got mad and stormed off into our bedroom.

About 30 minutes later she came out of the bedroom with a suitcase and told me that something had come up with her sister and she was going to stay there for a few days.

She didn’t elaborate and was out of the house before I even got to say anything. I called her while she was on her way there and she just told me I didn’t need to worry about it.

I asked if she was leaving because of the argument we had earlier and she assured me she wasn’t, but I didn’t (and still don’t) believe her. I’m considering going up there to talk to her, but I’m not sure if she just needs some time to calm down.

I do understand that she is just as much the baby’s parent as I am, and she has as much a right to want to parent it a certain way as I do.

AITJ for not wanting to baptize our child?”

Another User Comments: 

“YTJ. No one can marry in a Catholic Church without undergoing marriage prep, and the priest won’t conduct the ceremony unless you both formally state (and sign) that you will allow any children to be brought up as Catholic.

Therefore you lied then, assuming you married in front of a priest, essentially lied to your wife as well, and executed a bait and switch once your wife got pregnant, when you presumed you held the whip hand.

There’s no problem with you being an agnostic – there’s a problem with her realisation that you are a serial liar.” Accomplished_Set4862

Another User Comments: 

“YTJ. I’m also an atheist but at every step along the way, my guy, I’m sorry to say but you screwed this up.

First and basic problem, not discussing it in depth well in advance.

Both of you are at fault here, but you more than her because she did mention bringing children to church with her and you didn’t object, so it’s reasonable for her to think you were fine with her bringing the children up Catholic.

When it was brought up at the in-laws, you’re a huge jerk for telling your FIL no to baptism and giving your opinions in the moment without having discussed with your wife.

You should have said, we’re not quite sure about any of that yet, then talked to your wife privately.

Then at home later, your wife used her words and said she would like the child baptized.

You reacted as if it’s entirely your decision, saying you’re only ok with it after your child is an adult. I agree with you, but you don’t get a unilateral veto.

You say what you prefer and why, then listen to your wife, and you decide together.

I think you owe her an apology for trying to make that decision on your own and for telling her parents before even discussing it with her.

Then if you two are going to raise this baby together, you need to hash it out, preferably with a counselor. You married a Catholic woman, you presumably love her, and you two need to figure out how to make it work with respect on both sides.” Spallanzani333

Another User Comments: 

“NTJ.

But here’s the thing: I’m in the same boat, but her place instead of yours. I’m Christian. My husband isn’t. And we agreed that I wouldn’t force anything onto our kids we weren’t comfortable with.

So I explained which things were important to me and how the church sees it. Baptism will not mean the child will follow the belief. It’s about the parents commitment before God and community of raising the child aware of God and the principles we stand for as Christians.

Nothing more. It is ritualistic in a way to say that “as I was made aware, my child will also learn about the Lord.”. It is not a big deal, for a person who isn’t in the club (how my husband calls it) but it makes the Christian happy because it is part of the strength of our commitment to our faith.

First Communion, and Everything after it, I agree is pushing a believe onto a child that cannot choose with their whole heart.

So…

Think about it. And talk to her. It was great for us here. I’m happy with the compromise. He is Wiccan and actually has some things he wants to teach the girls when they are older and I am fine with it.

I want to be involved, even.

Religion is supposed to make you a better person, whatever you choose.” sis3838

Another User Comments: 

“My partner and I are not religious but my in-laws are. My kids are all almost adults now and one thing I regret is not getting them christened for my MIL.

It meant nothing to me and wouldn’t have harmed my kids in any way, but it was important to her. Hindsight is 20/20. What I know now that I didn’t know then is that she would never bring it up again after we said no for the first kid, but I would learn from other family members that the christening gown was handmade by MIL and her mother and had been worn by all the grandkids.

MIL is not one to proselytize, but her faith is important to her. I could have given her a little peace of mind and also done something meaningful for her.

If baptizing the baby will give your wife some peace and be meaningful to her without encouraging her to push other religious traditions on your kid, I would let them be baptized.

The baby won’t even remember it and it does nothing to them. They can still decide for themselves if they want to join the church or be religious or not.

I understand that the baptism signifies some agreement between your wife and the church with regard to how the kid is brought up.

You need to talk to your wife about whether she can go through with the baptism without forcing the kids through confirmation etc later on. It sounds like y’all are way overdue for a detailed conversation on this topic anyway. NJH but a little bit ESH for not getting this sorted before you started having kids.” Friendly_Shelter_625

-2 points (2 votes)
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jake 2 months ago
ESH This is a conversation you and your wife should have had before you got married. I was christened Lutheran, raised Southern Baptist, and I am Pagan. I despised church as a kid due to the hate, misogyny, bigotry, and the racism. I still despise church.
Now, you and your wife need to sit down and have a real life chat about this. It won't hurt your baby to be christened, but be aware, the church may not do it because you're not Catholic. My friend couldn't get her daughter christened in her church because she (my friend) was divorced before. She and her daughter's dad are not married yet. They weren't going to get married, but have since changed their mind lol. But do know that the church may say that because you're not Catholic, they won't do it.
Just because a child is christened/baptised doesn't mean they're going to be raised in a religious household. So have a real discussion with your wife, not an argument. And the discussion needs to be between you 2, not the whole family.
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1. AITJ For Not Giving My Daughter Access To Her College Fund?

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“Backstory: I (43f) have 4 kids. El (22f) Katie (17f) cam(15m) Isla (5f) and I’m also currently pregnant.

Me and my husband (50m) started adding to college funds every month for each of our kids pretty much as soon as we found out we were pregnant.

I won’t say the exact amount but my husband has an excellent job so it’s more than most.

We never told our kids because it just didn’t feel necessary.

El got pregnant when she was 16 and ended up dropping out of school.

I was very disappointed but I understood. However I was under the impression she would return later, but she has no plans to.

The dad stuck around and now they have 1 more kid (3) and one on the way.

They are engaged but don’t plan to marry until they can afford it.

They were doing okay financially for a while but due to the market right now they’ve been struggling because El can’t get a job since she doesn’t have a diploma so we’ve been helping out financially.

Katie is a senior and just got accepted into college, we’ve been setting everything up and obviously, she knows about the fund now.

Katie and El were talking and she was telling El about the school and El asked how she was planning on paying for it, Katie responded “my college fund” I was in the room while they were talking and this made me panic.

We had just planned on splitting it between the remaining four since we knew they were going to college.

El asked me if they all had one and I wasn’t going to lie, so I said yes.

She got really excited and went to call her fiance and tell him the good news. I was confused and told her she couldn’t have access to the fund, she asked why and I said it was for school.

She got upset and left my house.

The next day I get a call from El, she was crying and begging me to let her have the funds so she could finally afford a down payment and maybe even a wedding.

I told her she could have access to the fund if she went back to school and that whatever extra was left over she could use it for whatever she wanted.

She got super mad and started yelling at me and saying it was her college fund. I told her that it was MY fund that I set up for her and those were my conditions and she hung up.

Now we are being harassed by her fiances family (they aren’t as fortunate as us) calling us jerks and a lot of other names. Saying it’s all gonna go to waste if she doesn’t use it, we’re setting her up for failure, etc..

Now I’m wondering if I’m the jerk because my dad said we should give her the fund as we “saved it for her after all”.

So am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

I’m going to be downvoted a million times but hear me out.

You put capital into a college fund for each kid.

The whole purpose was to help with their education. It’s a generous fund and not everyone is able to do that for one kid, let alone 4 plus one on the way.

She made other choices and that’s fine.

Just because she was unaware of the college fund doesn’t mean she can just collect it now, after finding out. She was happy with her relationship until she found out, right?

But can you find a compromise to smooth everything over? Say, she gets her GED and 1-2 years in a community college or trade school, graduating with an AA or certification and the rest of the funds is hers.

Would that satisfy you and your husband? Plenty of SAHM have put themselves through nursing/dental assistant/hygienist school, for example, with only grants and loans and did it through sheer hard work and determination.

(Her fiancé’s family had absolutely no business sticking their noses into this.

I find that appalling and disrespectful. They need to be told to butt out.)” LoveBeach8

Another User Comments:

“ESH. Should she feel automatically entitled to the fund? No. But that’s about the only way she’s an AH.

There’s a whole flock of reasons you are.

You speak dismissively about the committed man who’s stuck by her side through teenage pregnancy, and another child, and has asked her to marry him.

You speak as if she’s less than others because of a mistake she made in high school.

You say you’re under the impression she would return later, but she didn’t know about the education fund. So do you think maybe her lack of funding would have influenced her decision to not go back when she had a baby at home? You are also under the assumption that all your remaining children will decide on further education.

That’s a pretty silly assumption.

It’s your finances. You can do what you want with it. But as a grandmother, you think you’d be happy that your daughter wants to give her children home and two married parents.” prairieislander

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

It is not “her fund” – it never was – and it was never a trust fund.

It was funds set aside to fund an education for her, and you have made it clear that it is still very generously available to her to do exactly that.

Frankly, as a 22-year-old high school drop-out with two children and a third on the way, at this point she should be realising more than ever (if she has matured at all, and based on her and her husbands’ struggles of the last few years) that going back to school and getting an education (or vocational training of some sort – am I incorrect in thinking that you would be willing to pay for vocational school, as long as she is in fact getting an education?) is the best possible thing that she could do for her future and her family’s financial stability.

The fact that she doesn’t see this, that she thinks that you “owe” her something, and perhaps most importantly, that she thinks that finances given to her should be spent on a wedding and perhaps a house (which latter she likely couldn’t afford the taxes and upkeep on in the long term given her poor career prospects without even a high school education) tells me that she is still making bad choices .

. . only now she’s making them as an adult, with dependents.

You are absolutely NTJ, and I think it’s actually important that you stick to your guns, for HER sake. Tell her that the fund will continue to be available to her to use for an education, which would help her in the long run far more than a wedding or a house down payment, but it isn’t a trust fund and never was.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Another User Comments:

“I’m gonna say YTJ, only because in this current scenario you’d rather watch your daughter and grandchildren struggle, than let her access this fund.

Are you just punishing her because she didn’t go to school?

Yes, it’s your finaces, and you have every right to do with it what you please. So that part by no means makes you the jerk.

I just can’t get past having the option to help your child/grandchildren with a down payment for a house and choosing to say no only because she didn’t go to college.

Maybe a compromise would be telling her she has to get her GED before she can access the fund.

And telling her it has to be used for a down payment on a home? Like keep stipulations/rules but modify it for where she is now, not where you dreamed she would be.” idk_what_im_doing__

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corgigirl 2 months ago
NTJ, that money was put aside for school. The fact that El prefers to stay pregnant and unemployed is not your problem. In fact, I would not be supplementing her. If she decides to go back to school, I would pay the money directly to the college and not let her have actual access to the account. She seems the type to drop out and burn through the money or not actually go at all once getting her hands on the money. You have an immature entitled brat on your hands and she needs to be reined in.
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