People Question "Am I The Jerk?" In These Situations

It's never easy admitting when you're in the wrong, but it is easy to feel like you have good intentions and a perfectly working moral compass! Sadly, it may not always look like that on the outside. You might feel like you acted out of integrity, but in reality, it was received in a totally different way. Read below to decide for yourself if the following folks are jerks in their own encounters or if they're totally in the right. We'd love to hear your feedback, so leave a comment below each story! AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk EHS = Everyone here sucks

15. AITJ For Refusing To Move Into A House With My Partner If I'm Not A Co-Owner?

“I (27F) have been with Ben (29M) for 1.5 years. We agreed if we got married, we’d have a prenup and keep our finances separate. He was clear from day one he would never want to combine them.

Ben bought a 5 bedroom house. He lives with friends and calculates their rent by dividing the mortgage by the number of people living in the house. His mortgage is high in part because it’s a 15-year mortgage, he had a bad credit score, and his down payment was small.

This also doesn’t leave Ben with much savings to maintain the house. He uses credit cards and payday loans for urgent house repairs.

Ben doesn’t agree with my decision to prioritize my savings over paying off my subsidized student loans. Things he thinks I should stop doing that until I’m debt-free:

I contribute to a 401K to maximize an employer match benefit.

My checking and savings have 6 months of income.

I’m building an investment account I might eventually use to buy a house.

Ben has suggested I drain these accounts and use my savings for debt repayment. He thinks I need to be more like him; at the end of the month, all of his extra savings goes towards debt. He doesn’t seem to care about the amount of debt I have, just that it exists and I could be paying it off faster.

I’m a database administrator, my debt to income ratio is low, and my credit score is excellent.

Recently Ben has been saying it’s a waste of savings for us to have two places and suggested I move in with him. We don’t stay at his house often because of his roommates. I don’t like his house and would rather keep my apartment. He argues that what I spend is what we could be saving.

I wouldn’t be saving bucks, and I’d need to buy a car. The house is expensive for reasons I wouldn’t benefit from and it’s big.

I don’t want to live with someone unless we are renting a place together or own a place together. I’m uncomfortable with him being the sole owner of the house we live in. He’d control how much we’d both have to spend on housing and what changes/upgrades are made.

I want us to contribute equally and have an equal say in the decisions.

He says we can’t rent a place together because paying rent is savings down the drain. And we can never own a house together because we agreed to have separate finances. I thought separate finances meant we could eventually buy a house as long as we split the down payment and mortgage 50/50.

He thinks owning a house together is combining finances. I said that’s fine; he can someday move into a house I own. He said that was ridiculous as I don’t know when I’ll be ready to buy a house.

He said I have no valid reason for refusing to live in a house just because he owns it and this would force him to either go back to renting or combine finances with me.

He especially doesn’t want to co-own a house with me because I’m irresponsible with debt.

AITJ for agreeing to separate finances and now being unwilling to live in a house I don’t own?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Ben is disrepectful of you making decisions of your own about your own income. This does not bode well for a future where he has more control.

Ben is suggesting things that benefit him financially but not you.

Obviously, you can have separate finances and also co-own a house.

To be honest, it sounds like Ben is gaslighting you to get you to subsidize his mortgage. You are doing fine living where you want to live and paying your own way. If Ben wants you to change your circumstances, he needs to show how the change will be of benefit to you. He does not seem to care about that.” AeronwenTrewent

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Ben doesn’t get to first insist that your finances remain separate forever and then also criticize how you handle your separate, at his insistence finances. His absolutism about combining finances with you also seems over the top. I understand that some people prefer to have separate finances even when married, but I disagree categorically: in my opinion, separate finances adds a layer of separation where there shouldn’t be one.

You’re either married (i.e., joined together in every way) or you’re an individual. The two are pretty much mutually exclusive. Not to mention, I don’t think it’s legally possible to be married and own property separately. You might be able to lie to yourself about it, but in the event of a divorce or a death, the law treats it all as marital property. I guess that might be different if there’s a prenup, but a prenup isn’t a “get out of divorce free” card or something: any wealth or property that is acquired during the marriage is still marital property.

The prenup just exempts whatever property was owned prior to the marriage from being considered in a future divorce.

I will say that I agree that it’s a waste of finances to have two separate places if you guys spend every night together anyway, but with a few important caveats: first and foremost, is your relationship ready for moving in together? Do you see yourself with Ben for the long term? Setting aside details like where and how, do you want to live with Ben?

Next, it sounds like Ben is overwhelmed financially.

Why does a single twenty-something own a five-bedroom house? What the heck? I’m not saying it’s categorically wrong for him to do that, but I’m curious what his angle is. That seems like way too much house for a single (i.e., unmarried, not not-taken) man. Do his roommates pay their rent consistently?

All of this is to say, Ben sounds like he has some growing up to do with respect to finances.

He makes a good point that paying for two different places is silly if you two spend every night together and if you want to live together anyway. However, he has put so many conditions on and limitations on the actual process of moving in together that it makes it seemingly impossible to do it in a way that’s fair to everyone while also attempting to respect his wishes.

You might want to figure out why he’s so protective of his (seemingly crappy) finances and why he seems to be so full of mistrust.

Good luck!” three-one-seven

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like he’s counting on your rent check. I get not wanting to put someone you’re not married to on the deed to your house (even when you’re married, that often goes sideways), but he’s the one pressuring you to move in.

I’d keep saying no; honestly, he looks like the financially risky one to me.

You’re absolutely right that his reasoning for wanting to “save some bucks” is full of holes: 1) you wouldn’t be saving because you’d need to buy a car, and the house is more expensive than your apartment. 2) your finances are separate, so what’s this “we’ll save together”? Meaning, you’ll save on not paying for an apartment, and he’ll save by collecting your rent check? 3) He said no to you buying a house and he moving into it without being put on the deed.

So, he’s unwilling to compromise and wants everything his way. I’m sorry, but I don’t think this relationship is going to work, you guys have two very different financial goals. Finances is a big factor in arguments and breakups.

“He says I have no valid reason for refusing to live in a house just because he owns it and this would force him to either go back to renting or combine finances with me.”Um.

Yes, you do. Just because he doesn’t like your reasons (because that means he can’t collect rent off you) doesn’t mean your reasons aren’t valid. Tell him you’ll move in when you co-own, but, you refuse to co-own his house. He bought too big, and can’t manage the payments, and it’s going to come back and bite him in the ass, and you don’t need to go down with a sinking ship or to set yourself on fire just to keep him warm. Lots of red flags just in this post.” RNGinx3

8 points (10 votes)
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Nokomis21 4 months ago
I saw them right from the beginning.
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14. AITJ For Telling My Parents It's Their Fault I Feel Relieved About My Brother's Death?

“This Sunday was my (23M) brother’s (28M) funeral. Nearly everyone from the family attended, just some of the eldest couldn’t. I haven’t seen my family in years and saw them again at the funeral, so everyone said goodbye and took a look at my brother who laid down in the casket. Some cried, and some held their tears back. As I looked at him, I just felt totally relieved not sad, maybe a little sorry for him.

However, the same night, I just planned to stay at my parents’ house the first time after years again. Some old childhood friend came over to wish their condolences and also my best friend. We got to my old room, and he brought drinks. I am someone who just keeps talking and lets out his feelings, while intoxicated, and so I talked. What we didn’t know is that my cousin (15F) recorded us without our notice and showed everything to my parents.

To put you guys in the picture, my brother is a mentally ill person who had the intelligence of a 3- to 4-year-old. He wasn’t able to be vocal about many things. As I was younger, my parents tried to raise me with the only purpose of being his caregiver, and I hated it. They forced me to clean my brother as I was 10-11 years old because “I had to learn it anyway.” It grossed me out to clean him, change his clothes, and change his diapers.

I hated him and my parents. As a 14-year-old, I started to act out, and the police had to bring me back home a couple of times, even CPS was involved, but nothing happened at first. The last time before actions happened, I escaped home for about 2 weeks before police had found me with the rest of the change I stole from my dad’s pocket, then a therapist talked with me from CPS, and it was clear I couldn’t go back home.

However, this Monday morning, my parents, aunt, and cousin waited for me downstairs to confront me, and there was a lot of yelling. This little goblin recorded me speaking about for 40 minutes. Finally, I burst out and admitted that I feel relieved that my brother died and that it was their fault that I hated him. It just bothers me all the time at the moment, and I honestly don’t know if I am wrong here.

While I feel good about it being out of my system, I think it was unfair to kick my grieving parents as they were already suffering. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

If your parents had raised you as a true sibling to your brother – let you both be children and have normal development – you would probably be able to grieve his death. Instead, they tried to force you into a really tough adult role as caretaker, which is something even adults should only be taking on if they are willing.

It is one thing to ask a child to provide light assistance to younger or disabled siblings, like occasionally feeding them breakfast because the parents are running late or keeping an eye on them for a short time, and even that needs to be carefully done. My sister is 4 years younger than me, and my parents felt strongly enough about avoiding parentification that we had babysitters past the age where I could have been left alone so that I wouldn’t be supervising her.

(I found this embarrassing at 12, but as an adult, I look back and am grateful that they didn’t want to make me act as a babysitter to her.) To force a child into the heavier and more unpleasant parts of caregiving, and to expect to just dump your brother on you, was deeply wrong. CPS wouldn’t have gotten involved if they were treating you right.

Yes, sure, the timing of the confrontation sucks. But that really wasn’t your doing, was it? You talked to someone who was not them about your complicated feelings around your brother’s death. Your cousin is the one who decided your parents “needed” to know all of this and forced it on them while they were grieving. It sounds like you really did the best you could with emotional burdens you shouldn’t have been forced to carry.

Don’t be hard on yourself.” KaliTheBlaze

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s difficult for a family having significantly handicapped member.

There are some disorders where there’s enough communication between child and family that it feels like there’s growth, but having someone so mentally delayed they depend on you around the clock is a significant weight, and a lot of families become destroyed over it.

When I lived on the streets, it was not uncommon for parents to drop off their special needs children when they became adults.

It’s not like you can get enough support to deal with someone with a critical delay when you’re in your old age.

It’s not wrong to feel relieved, but I wouldn’t of let it rip to your parents. Understand it was still their son; they poured their sweat and tears into raising him, probably spent a fortune in medical, loved him every bit as much… It’s hard sometimes knowing your efforts will never lead to anything grand.

But as they say, sometimes it’s the journey that mattered. I’m sure while he was on earth, he knew love. Show your parents compassion just the same.” limrixua

Another User Comments:
“NTJ:

You were having a personal conversation with your friend. It was meant to stay between you two, but your little brat of a cousin recorded it.

Parents who raise kids to be caretakers of a disabled person suck as parents.

You didn’t get the proper childhood because you were too busy to clean up after someone. You should be playing sports or hanging out with friends. If your parents needed help, then they should have hired a trained caretaker.

None of this fighting would have happened if your cousin didn’t record you.

I think it’s best that you don’t see your family for a while. They clearly don’t care about you or your feelings if they resulted in yelling at you for expressing how you felt as a kid.” BubbleBulbasaur

7 points (7 votes)
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Elleds 4 months ago
NTJ... But. Jesus. What a sad situation. No, you aren't a jerk. Your parents are. I do want to say, that despite your brother being dead, I think you should try and let go of any hate. It wasn't his fault just as much as it wasn't yours.
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13. AITJ For Bringing My Own Dinner To A Wedding?

This incident seemed to start a lot of drama on what should be a couple’s happiest day of their life.

“Okay, okay, I know how it sounds. Please let me explain. I (26f) have a ton of medical issues, including some that create major dietary restrictions. Real dietary restrictions, not some random fad diet that has false medical benefits.

My cousin (K) had her wedding a couple of weeks ago and they did not have any menu items that I would be able to eat, except a couple of the appetizers.

Even then, I am a little uncomfortable because they chose buffet style for the side dishes, and catering creates a lot of opportunity for cross-contamination. I would never expect someone to change or add to their wedding menu on my behalf, so I messaged her as soon as we received the menu and just let her know that I would be unable to dine with them at the reception because of the dietary stuff and let her know that I would come back after I was able to eat.

I understand what it is like leading up to a wedding, and I received no response to my message; though it was on social media, and I knew she had opened it. I decided I would just put together a little lunchbox and leave it in the car, so when I started to get hungry, I could just go grab a snack and come back in.

Well, the reception came, and all was well. Then dinner time came, and K came up to me and asked why I leaving the venue. I told her that I just had to get some food in my belly and that I would be right back to finish celebrating. She got an appalled look on her face and asked why I would bring food to a wedding where I knew would have some of the best.

I let her know about the restrictions and reminded her about the message. She said, “I just figured you were being dramatic, and someone in the family would get you under control. Guess nobody could.” My jaw hit the floor. I wish that my restrictions could be casually broken, but unfortunately, I get quite ill if I break the food boundary. It is well known within my family that this is true.

I’ve ruined a holiday or two by accidentally eating contaminated food.

Anyway, I really didn’t know how to respond, so I just walked out to the car and had my food with the company of the car radio. I am the queen of being hangry, so I hoped that getting fed would help me get a better grip on the situation, but I was still shaky mad.

I came back in prepared to sit quietly and get through the rest of the night without too much more to say, but my aunt and uncle came to the table and told me how much I hurt K’s feelings by bringing my own food. I explained (although I still feel a certain sort of way about having to explain) the restrictions again and told them I tried to be as polite as humanly possible by reaching out beforehand and leaving my snacks out of sight of the reception guests.

They told me it gave the whole wedding a bad look, and if it was really that big of a deal, then I needed to eat beforehand. Nobody else has really weighed in, and at this point, I really don’t know if I was in the wrong. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was a medical necessity. You weren’t dramatic about it. You stepped outside and were quiet about having your food out there.

It wasn’t like you brought it in and were melodramatically announcing to everyone that you were doing anything different. You were trying to be as non-obtrusive as possible. It was a buffet, so it’s not like there was a plate being served up for you. Frankly, I don’t think there was anything else you really could have done any differently to be any more polite. People step outside for many reasons, including smoking breaks, etc.

The hurt feelings and them worrying about looking bad is completely missing the point. They’re hurt you didn’t eat the provided food, and you might have made them look bad because they didn’t meet your medical needs. Bluntly, they should look bad, and they should feel bad because they were terrible hosts. They’re more worried about what others will think of their hosting skills, not actually doing the very basics to be a decent host.

You weren’t the problem; they were and still are.” prosaicchichickenmom

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

I also suffer from immense stomach pain and restrictions and I totally understand having to avoid eating at a lot of functions and places because of that. I was fully prepared to get in this comment section and say that maybe you could’ve eaten before the wedding and just sat around during dinner, but after reading K’s reaction (and her parents’ reactions), forget that noise; you’re absolutely in the right, and they suck.

I’m so mad on your behalf. Who are these people, and what’s wrong with them?

Why on earth would family behave as though you’re creating a problem here? You didn’t ask for medical issues that create strict dietary restrictions… You didn’t make a big deal about it and demand special items added to the menu… You just left some snacks in the car to quickly and quietly dash out and grab a bite when you got hungry.

How is that a problem?

I can’t understand how family can’t be empathetic enough to understand and support you instead of vilifying you for having to eat specific things to avoid pain and suffering.

Next time you see K and her parents, flip them off for me, yes?” Stroopwafeled

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Yea, it’s the cousin’s wedding, but the COUSIN made a big deal out of it. The COUSIN is the jerk here and obviously is too much of a jerk to even see that.

OP told the cousin about their dietary restrictions (due to medical reasons as mentioned in the first sentence). Also, remember this: OP didn’t want to ruin anything, which is why they sent the message to the cousin in the first place! Literally in the second paragraph OP said that they never expect someone to change their wedding menu just because one person has a medical issue whereas nobody else did. That’s why OP wanted to tell the cousin beforehand and let them know what’s going on.

NTJ 100%, OP.

You had the best of intentions since you understood what was going on and didn’t want a poopstorm to happen and ruin the cousin’s wedding.

Your cousin is a jerk for being condescending to you and treating you like a kid.” riot1man

7 points (7 votes)
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SiriusLee 4 months ago
Face it -- that part of your family is SO idiotic and controlling that, if you had sat there with no food in front of you, THAT would have been an issue and they would have embarassed you. You can't win with jerks like that.
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12. AITJ For Blowing Up On My Husband In Front Of His Family For Joking At My Birth Experience?

“I f25 gave birth to my daughter weeks ago. My experience was pretty traumatic, and since it was my first, I had no clue what to expect. Forgive me for the vague details for privacy, but I’ll mention all the relevent stuff, I promise.

When I went into labor I had the most difficult time of my life. I was in pain for hours. My mom was with me, but she had to go, and my husband was with me the entire time.

I did something so embarrassing in the delivery room. I pooped myself which was unexpected and just… I don’t know, but it was embarrassing, and although, my medical team was very professional about it, my husband couldn’t help himself and started laughing about it later and even telling my family about it, but they didn’t react, just didn’t find it funny and neither did I, In fact, I found it embarrassing, and I already told him to stop bringing it up especially when he started joking about getting me diapers for my “oopsies!” It got really tiring and chipped away from my self-esteem and confidence.

We were with his parents celebrating new year’s eve together when I excused myself to the bathroom. While I was getting up, he made a quick remark and said, “Oh yeah, you should go quickly because we don’t want any accidents just like the one we had at the hospital. You know what I mean?” While blinking at me. His family actually laughed and my brother-in-law commented, “Good one!” I was astonished and so angry and ashamed.

I literally just lost it on him and yelled at the top of my lungs calling him a cruel, insensitive jerk to be using the difficult experience of birthing his child as a joking matter and humiliating me in front of everybody. He was shocked, staring back at me, and not saying a word. All went silent, and I just stormed off to the bathroom til we left, and that was when he snapped saying I messed up by talking to him like that in front of his family during dinner.

I said I couldn’t hold my tongue for that long and after he kept joking about an embarrassing thing when I told him to stop. He said he was just joking, and I went overboard with my reaction and also, I should’ve sucked it up and waited til we got home, so we could address this privately, and I could even yell at him as long as I wanted.

We argued about it after we got home, and he kept saying I humiliated him in front of his family during the celebratory evening by being petty and trying to one-up him… He even said I should’ve laughed along not fly off the handle like that.

Did I overreact?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, what the heck? So he can humiliate you by “joking” in front of his entire family about a deeply private, personal, and traumatic experience that you have ALREADY ASKED HIM to stop making remarks about, but if you call him out on it in front of those same people, somehow you’re at fault.

His idea of “not embarrassing him” is pretending your feelings don’t exist even when he deliberately embarrassed you, just so he doesn’t have to lose face by being held accountable for his crappy treatment of you.

Absolutely the heck not. He is one billion percent in the wrong, and the fact that he thinks he can ignore your feelings about this entire situation because he’s “just joking” is ridiculous and pathetic.

What is he, 12 years old? He’s supposed to be a husband to you and a father to the child that YOU brought into the world – if this is the best he can do, he already sucks at both. The lack of consideration he shows for your feelings is astonishing. You owe him not one single scrap of an apology: if he doesn’t want you to yell at him in front of other people, he shouldn’t deliberately humiliate you in front of them.

All of this is on him. Feel free to show him this, so he knows that he sucks a whole field of lollipops in this situation and owes you a massive, groveling apology.

And congratulations on your baby!!” invomitous-rex

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is not at all uncommon for women to poop themselves during childbirth. At one point, it used to be fairly standard to offer enemas before childbirth, for that very reason.

Your husband is an incredibly insensitive moron to laugh at you when you’re at your most vulnerable – not to mention in pain, and giving birth to HIS CHILD. That he’s kept on laughing about it and sharing with all and sundry at every opportunity is, in my honest opinion, abusive and bullying. I bet he’s shared it with co-workers, for goodness sake. That he does it in front of you is that much worse.

No, there’s no shame in what happened, but women in particular are raised to be VERY private about bodily functions. This is just TMI and something that only YOU should be able to bring up if you feel it appropriate.

That he THEN turns around and has the utter NERVE to accuse YOU of humiliating HIM. I could just SCREAM. It’s hypocritically PERFECTLY OK for HIM to mock you over something YOU found deeply humiliating, and with anyone he feels like, for his sick amusement, but when you call him on it when he does, after you’ve asked him not to, YOU are oversharing and in the wrong? REALLY?

What the heck.

It’s a shame you just had his child because I would throw the whole man out. There is something incredibly wrong with him. He has quite clearly demonstrated that he has ZERO maturity, emotional intelligence, empathy, OR respect for you. He’s shown you that you can’t trust him to have your back when it most matters. That his amusement is more important than your dignity or embarrassment.

That he has NO sense of discretion, which means he CANNOT be trusted with your secrets when he is the person you should MOST be able to trust. Your husband is a raging jerk.

Please sit down and re-examine your relationship with him. Have there been other signs, that in retrospect, were glaring red flags? That maybe you overlooked at the time, or gave him too much benefit of the doubt over? If yes, reconsider the marriage.

Counseling with an abusive bully is pointless. If not, demand couples counseling, because your jerk husband needs to understand the SERIOUS error of his ways. If he refuses, again, rethink what you’re doing with this tool. This is the person you have to raise your child with. Ugh.” Suspicious_Soul

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, giving birth is an experience that is different for many women, and of course, it’s normal that the pregnancy will make pressure in different zones of your body.

It’s actually a pretty common thing to do while giving birth, and he’s being insensitive by not supporting you in that difficult moment when all you needed was someone to comfort you and to make you forget that overwhelming accident.

Accidents happen all the time, and as you said, the doctors were professional about it. You should start drawing the line if you see that your husband isn’t going to stop joking about this.

If telling him that it upsets you is not enough, then you’re not the problem, but you need to solve this for your own sake since this is obviously not healthy for the relationship, especially for your mental health.

Even if it’s a “joke” for him, you were obviously not laughing and it was offensive for you, when it becomes intrusive and humiliating the person should respect your will and stop joking this around or he can even lose you at some point. If he has this sense of humor, then I’m afraid he won’t be able to take care of your daughter’s problems when she’s older without making a scene out of them, and he should expect that his daughter will have accidents too and that he should be prepared to handle them and not using them to humiliate your daughter as well.” AshleyIsAqt

6 points (6 votes)
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Realitycheck 4 months ago
I am just amazed. He was very childish and should man up to admit his fault. You were valid to react and I don't feel like you overreacted. He didn't respect you to begin with by making comments and don't let him deflect his part by making you think your reaction was worse than his obviously planned jokes.

How are you seriously supposed to trust him anymore?
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11. AITJ For No Longer Bringing My Wife Dinner After She Claimed I Never Cook?

“I work at a nice restaurant as a cook, and every day when I get off from work, I always cook dinner for my wife and our 2 kids (8M and 6F) at the restaurant before coming home.

The only time I don’t cook for them are on weekends when I’m off, and that’s when my wife does the cooking. We usually trade off who makes breakfast and lunch for the kids every other day, but for the week, I’m always the one bringing home dinner.

On weekends, we sometimes get together with friends, and they come over to the house. My wife usually cooks, and I help set the table/clean afterward. One of her friends “Stacy” asked how come I never do any of the cooking and is it always on my wife all the time making meals for the kids, especially when I’m a cook myself?

Instead of correcting her, my wife sort of laughed and went along with it making jokes about “you know how it is.” And Stacy laughed because her ex-husband was the same way.

And then sort of ripped on me in a “joking” way how I better buck up before I become an ex too. My wife just said well let’s see if he actually listens and starts cooking for once, joking about all the time I spend in the kitchen at work but won’t do the same at home. It really made me mad. I’m not the husband that just doesn’t do anything after I’m home from work.

I cook food for her and the kids at work, AND on top of that, I make separate dishes for each of them (what she wants and what the kids want). All that after standing on my feet all day. We talked about it once they left because I don’t appreciate being told I’m not doing something she knows for a fact I do.

She didn’t want to apologize for it because it was all just meant to be a funny joke.

Even after telling her about how it hurt my feelings being put down like that. My wife said she felt like she has to go along with the joke, so there wouldn’t be any awkward vibes (whatever that means).

But I said fine, if she can’t apologize for something that was mean just so she could laugh along with her friends, then I won’t keep doing something she already claims I don’t do.

So, for the past week, I’ve only brought home dinner for our kids, and she’s had to make her own food. She’s mad that I’m refusing to feed her over what happened instead of letting it go, but I can’t help but feel mad about being made fun of like that when I’m busting my butt to provide for my family and still making sure they have food on the table every evening.

She just thinks I’m a jerk for how I’m reacting when she’s already tired at the end of the day but still having to make food for herself. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

My husband and I worked in the restaurant industry for a long time. He cooks most of the time. And it’s not something I hide or pretend otherwise.

I think most people are actually kinda jealous. And why shouldn’t I be thankful? One less thing for me to do around the house.

Spouses should be bringing each other up, not tearing them down.

I never understood complaining about significant others. I like to think I’m a good judge of character. If I picked a husband that didn’t pull his weight and complained about it, what does that say about me? I mean, I picked him.

How would your wife feel if one of your buddies complained about his wife never cleaning around the house or something, and you said, “Yeah, for sure, I know exactly how you feel.” Do you really think your wife would ever pick up a broom ever again?” sarcazm

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

She missed an opportunity of a lifetime to brag. She NEVER had to cook dinner? That sounds amazing.

I brag about my husband doing laundry. Is it a big deal? Not to everyone. But I HATE laundry. All I have to do is put what I want cleaned in the laundry basket and put away neatly folded clothes.

My husband, on the other hand, HATES calling people. So I handle all of it.

From takeout, to appointments — I make all the calls and schedule it for him. He only has to show up.

It’s our compromise. I boast I’m his best secretary, and he’s my best laundromat. It works for us. If someone makes fun, I don’t disrespect him. I build him up. “He can’t make his own phone calls?” He can, but I don’t like doing laundry. I can get rid of all mental space for clothes and save that for his calendar.

If it was cooking instead of laundry, still something I don’t have to do. You’d still see me cooking, but I would just say I save my energy for our friends, and he cooks for me. You’d have to pay him.” PeanutsLament

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Your wife made a social sacrifice. She could have corrected her friend and pushed you up, going against the tone of the joke that the friend wanted to make, possibly costing some points – or, she could throw you under the bus and gone along with the joke, hurting you and belittling your contribution to the household.

She chose to make you that sacrifice because she figured she could ‘afford’ to do it. She doesn’t have to ‘pretend’ around you the way she has to pretend around her friends. And she thinks that she doesn’t have to apologize for it because it doesn’t ‘mean’ anything. She didn’t hurt your feelings because yours don’t matter like hers do, because men don’t get to express feelings. Because, men.

But I wager that if you, in turn, made a joke about her being a bad housewife, how the place was a mess and it was her fault for it, that she would have shut you down faster than you can say “who-do-you-think-you-are.”

This is Karma, King. Her own actions are biting her in the a… in the stomach.” FerroMancer

6 points (6 votes)
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Realitycheck 3 months ago
You are in no way the jerk. She calls it a joke, but it was a lie. A joke would have been closing the conversation with praise for your extraordinary efforts. She let it hang and friend left feeling sympathy for her for what she has to endure. Not a joke.

She changed rhe relationships, not you.
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10. AITJ For Not Saving Dinner For My Partner And Causing Her To Go To Bed Hungry?

“I m28 have been with my partner f29 for 14 months. We’re struggling with financial issues right now with me being the sole income earner.

My girl used to eat restaurant food either by going out or ordering takeout, but ever since she lost her job, she couldn’t do it anymore.

I cook twice a week and keep leftovers for busy days since my job is physically demanding and time-consuming.

My girl eats my cooking but hates eating leftovers. In the past, she’d eat out while I eat the leftovers, but now since our pockets are tight, eating out is no longer affordable. My girl hates that and she’s lost weight since she’d rather go hungry than eat leftovers. Don’t know why she feels so strongly about it.

Onto the conflict: last night, I came home late from work and started reheating leftovers for dinners.

My girl came into the kitchen asking if I was cooking, but I said no since I already have leftovers ready to eat. She got upset and said that we should really limit eating leftovers and just leave this type of food for hobos and broke college students. I just shrugged, and she left the kitchen in a hurry.

She came back after I got done eating and looked at me asking where was her dinner plate.

I said I didn’t save her any food because I assumed since it’s leftovers, then she wouldn’t want to eat it. She had a full-on tantrum about how selfish and inconsiderate I was not to save her some food and that she would be going to bed hungry because of me “assuming” crap. I had an argument with her in which I said that she was acting childish, and she looked shocked that I spoke to her this way and yelled that I did this deliberately to prove a point and that I should’ve cooked in the first place to avoid having her eat leftovers, but now even leftovers are gone, and she was hungry.

She ended up going to bed hungry and cold-shouldered me for hours because of it.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, completely NTJ.

First of all, why are homeless people or students not as deserving of decent food as others? Second, what makes leftovers bad? Personally, I find Christmas leftovers to be the best part of boxing day.

You reacted reasonably based on her past behavior; it was a reasonable conclusion to come to that she would not want to eat the leftovers, especially given her outburst earlier that very evening.

That being said, I’m reluctant to be solely critical of your girl, not because what she did wasn’t awful (it was), but because it’s such a strange hill to die on. The only reason I’m reluctant to be entirely critical of her is because I feel like it might be worth getting to the bottom of what is causing this bizarre aversion.” No-Excitement7491

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your girl probably is.

Maybe I’m naive but her behavior – from how she got fired, to her strong attitude to leftovers (to the point where she would rather not eat and has been losing weight as a result), to her overreaction to not getting her way – suggests either an undiagnosed mental illness or some type of undiagnosed neurodivergence (regarding diagnoses like autism or ADHD, women are systematically overlooked and underdiagnosed).

I’m not a specialist of any kind, but due to life and work circumstances, I have met and interacted with a lot of neurodivergent people, and your girl’s behavior has parallels with them. It’s not a justification for the way she treats you at all, but if she wanted to pursue an assessment, it could be useful in helping her find strategies that can help her cope better and ultimately treat you better.

Or I could be way off, and she’s just hangry, incredibly entitled, and not humbled by the fact that while she is not a hobo; it’s only by your grace and generosity, and she should just suck it up and eat some dang leftovers. Seriously, day 2 curry is better than the day it’s cooked. She’s missing out.” UghAnotherMillennial

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Better communication would be really helpful as quite honestly after her comments I would have also thought she was again refusing to eat leftovers.

I am sure her not being employed currently is also not helping.

Do you know what specifically bothers her with leftovers? I ask as wondering if say you are cooking chicken if some of the meat were cooked separately if she could then heat the meat, add some freshly cooked vegetables, so not really leftovers? I make what I call deconstructed pot pie which is cooked chicken, chicken broth and veggies of your choice brought to a boil, seasoned, thickened with cornstarch then served over hot biscuits, mashed potatoes or egg noodles. The meat and gravy part being sep is easy to reheat and pour over a fresh base so no mushy part which I will not eat in leftovers.

Maybe you can both work on some dishes together, so it is something you both look forward to?” 3Heathens_Mom

4 points (4 votes)
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rbleah 4 months ago
If she is not working why is SHE not cooking?
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9. AITJ For Telling My Parents I Won't Visit Them Again Until They Learn Sign Language?

Do you think the parents are justified or plain ignorant?

“When I was 18, I was in an accident that caused TBI, resulting in me losing most of my hearing in both ears, making me deaf. I didn’t qualify for cochlear implants, so being deaf was just my new reality.

Obviously, this derailed my life for a while. University got pushed back, and I was depressed for a long time.

Eventually, I got back out there, discovered the deaf community, learned ASL (American sign language), and at 26, I now feel very content with my life.

My parents were devastated by my accident, and our relationship has never been the same. A few years ago, I told them I have embraced being deaf, and I asked them if they would learn ASL, as that is now how I prefer to communicate.

They said no at the time because they didn’t have time to learn a new language. I have tried many times over the years to try to give them information on deafness and ASL, but they have shown no interest.

We communicate now mainly by using voice-to-text on our phones, which is far from perfect and very chaotic when multiple people are talking. Trying to keep up with conversations is exhausting, and people are constantly getting frustrated with me for not following along.

Often we watch movies, but they refuse to turn the captions on because it’s “annoying,” despite the fact that it means I can’t understand the movie at all.

This past Christmas, I once again struggled with conversations, which once again resulted in me being either ignored or yelled at. Before I went home again, I sat my parents down and told them that if they did not begin to learn ASL, I would not be visiting again for a long time.

I told them I don’t expect them to ever be fluent, but I need them to show effort in learning. I told them that they have continuously dismissed my needs as a deaf person and that if they want to continue to have a meaningful relationship with me, we need to have some kind of shared language.

This didn’t go over well at all, as my parents accused me of wanting to cut them off, which isn’t true.

I just can’t do any more visits where my presence feels like a burden. My brother and I have been texting since then, and he thinks I’m being hugely unfair.

So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents and wider family suck.

I watch movies with subtitles on, and I’m not even deaf/hard of hearing; I am just rubbish with accents and feel like the sound quality is awful on a lot of shows with mumbling actors.

Subtitles are not annoying.

I cannot fathom that your family didn’t immediately learn ASL when you lost your hearing. It’s beyond belief, and my heart actually breaks for you. I would do it immediately for one of my relatives because things like lip reading do not come easily.

I am guessing that this refusal to adapt to your deafness is about their denial to accept that you have been through this life-changing thing that will present you with some additional challenges in life.

I assume that because my nan always tells me that that’s why she cried when my uncle “came out” – not because of her bigotry but because of her fear of how difficult his life would be due to the bigotry of others and that thought made her unbelievably sad. I am trying to give your family the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are coming from a similar place, but dang.

They need to realize that they are hurting you and coming across as though they do not love or care for you and that you becoming isolated from your family is because of their refusal to learn a method of communicating with you.

I am sorry OP. They really are jerks.” kerri_may

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I do not have anyone deaf in my family, but I do work in the disability sector, and at conferences, chances are, I will chat to at least one person through their interpreter.

I felt it was rude of me not to start learning ASLAN because it takes little effort on my part to make someone feel welcome and their world to feel a little bigger. I am doing this for hypothetical strangers I have not met yet because I am concerned about their comfort.

Your family are a bunch of, well, I can’t use the word on here.

Not to mention refusing to use subtitles.

I am sorry for these harsh words, but I think your family is less concerned about your disability and more concerned about the inconvenience to cater to someone who has lost their hearing. And it’s horrible because what I do have in my close family is direct family members with severe life-changing disabilities that are far less convenient than learning sign and putting on subtitles, but love and loyalty are not always convenient.

Maybe it’s time to reconsider who you call family because they do not understand the meaning of it. Family is more than a noun it’s a verb.” Willdiealonewithcats

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Seeing your child struggle with communication, with depression, and with just adjusting to a new reality, and not doing everything you can to help them, and to help your own ability to communicate with them, makes no sense to me.

Even the closed captioning is literally the LEAST they could do. I have great hearing, but my wife not as much (20 years in an industry with an earpiece in her ear 12 hours/day). We started turning the captions on for her. Now I use them when watching movies or tv shows where there’s a character with a difficult-to-understand accent. It was a small accommodation for her. I can’t imagine not making it for my now functionally deaf child.” FlourFlavored

4 points (6 votes)
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Jitslady 4 months ago
Your parents suck. They could easily learn ASL, but there's not way you can learn to hear. What is wrong with them? So sorry your family is unwilling to make an effort for you.
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8. AITJ For Refusing To Teach My Best Friend's Chick To Cook And Banning Her From Our Kitchen?

“I (26M) live with my best friend Bryan (26M) in a rented house. Sometime in September, Bryan started seeing Cindy (24? I think).

Bryan can’t cook. At all. He can make scrambled eggs, instant ramen, frozen pizza, and that’s about it. He doesn’t even know how to cook rice. I on the other hand am a great cook and I occasionally (3-5 times a month) cook for him as well.

Cindy has been staying over more and more often, and a few weeks ago, she was sleeping over on the same day I cooked for Bryan. She was apparently really shocked I cooked it because it “tastes like it’s from a pricey restaurant.”

Bryan made the mistake of mentioning that I offered to teach him to cook. Cindy decided that this offer automatically extends to her as well.

She came to me and told me I can teach her. She didn’t ask; she just told me. I told her I wouldn’t. We went back and forth. She thinks I have to because I promised Bryan I’d teach him, but he doesn’t want to. (Cindy also doesn’t know how to cook anything.) She thinks she is entitled to cooking lessons because she is seeing my friend.

She kept pestering me about this for almost three freaking weeks and only stopped when I asked Bryan to talk to her.

Now last week, I got home and could immediately smell burnt food. I walked into the kitchen, and there she was. She tried to make crepes, burned them to a crisp, and was scraping them with a METAL spatula on the nonstick pancake pan! I slightly lost it and immediately raised my voice to ask her what the heck she was doing.

She gave me an attitude about how since I’m a jerk, she’s learning to cook by herself.

I told her she can do that at her home and not in our kitchen. She smugly told me it’s not my decision to make because it’s Bryan’s place as well. I told her it is my decision because everything in the kitchen is mine. (When we moved in, the kitchen was empty apart from a single banged-up pan, one pot, and three dull knives with crappy plastic handles.

The kitchen is now chef-worthy, I dropped hundreds on appliances, cookware, nice dinnerware, etc. Bryan is of course allowed to use everything in the kitchen. )

I told Cindy that she is not allowed to cook anything in our kitchen. Bryan came into the kitchen at this point and diffused the argument. That was last week.

Things between Bryan and me are very awkward. Cindy has not been over yet.

One of my friends absolutely went off on me, calling me misogynist and classist because “not everyone has the same opportunities.”

(Side note: I grew up poor. I learned to cook on my own. I learned how to make great tasting meals out of ramen, hotdogs, rice, whatever was on clearance, etc.)

I don’t think I am the jerk for refusing to teach, but I am wondering if banning her from the kitchen was a step too far.

It’s just that I really don’t like her and honestly don’t trust her not to damage something on purpose.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s acting entitled to your time and knowledge for free and then trying to mess up your stuff to spite you? You bought it; you have the final say. If she can’t treat your stuff with respect, she can go home and cook.

Your friends suck for acting like cooking is an “opportunity” and not a skill people can learn to refine.

Just because Cindy didn’t bother to put in the time to learn to cook doesn’t mean everyone doesn’t.

Don’t let her back in your kitchen to mess up your cookware. Also not sure how you split food, but I would’ve been annoyed if she did all that and was still around eating and attempting to cook my food for free for a while even if I shared it with a roommate.

If she wants to stay over so much, she can buy some snacks.” iolight

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m incredibly protective over my cooking tools and kitchen. I don’t like to have anyone underfoot while I’m cooking. That being said, I did and still do from time to time, teach my little sister different recipes. Why? Because she ASKED for help. After reading everything and your comments, I wouldn’t have taught her a darn thing either.

Heck, I probably would have told her to begone right then with her stupid behavior. Also would have freaked out if I came home to my things being abused.

It really sounds like you and your friend need to have a conversation about the girls behavior and set down some boundaries if he’s going to continue to see her. He’s really not doing the right thing by not being involved.

He’s gotta toughen up and say/do something. After all, it is HIS crazy freaking chick. Good luck with it, all and if anything interesting happens, don’t forget to update us!” Deadgirl313

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I LOVE to cook. It doesn’t mean that it’s my job to teach my friends that don’t know how to cook. I share a kitchen with 2 roommates right now, and I bought all the silverware, utensils, dinnerware, and all the cookware.

While they are welcome to use them, at the end of the day that stuff is mine, and I will be taking them with me when I move out as soon as my lease ends. They know that if they want to use them they need to take care of them.

What she did is not okay. She’s a HUGE jerk for thinking she’s entitled to cooking lessons and then trying to ruin your cookware as revenge. I wouldn’t just ban her from my kitchen, I’d ban her from my house.” yasnovak

4 points (4 votes)
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sedwards31717 3 months ago
Telling a rude, pushy person no is not being a misogynist. Tell your friend that said that they can teach her so she can ruin their things. No one is entitled to your time. Frankly I'd stop cooking for your roomie. If his gf wants to cook so bad, she can practice by cooking for him at her place. Slap some locks on the cabinets with your cookware and tell him good luck.
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7. AITJ For Telling My Ex That He And His Wife Need To Stop Fostering?

“My ex-husband is remarried to a very nice woman, Vanessa. They’ve been together for 8 years. While my ex-husband and I have 3 kids together (12M, 14F and 17M), Vanessa isn’t able to have any biologically. She’s been an amazing step-mom to my kids, and I feel safe with them going there every other week.

However, over the past 5 years that they’ve been married, Vanessa and my ex have fostered children, in hopes to adopt.

They fostered a baby girl for 3 years (from the time she came home to the hospital), and she ended up reunited with family. It was extremely hard on the kids, as well as my ex and Vanessa. Immediately after, they began fostering another child (5 years old) and were supposed to adopt them. Right before Christmas, he was reunited with his biological father whom they originally had no information on.

This has been incredibly hard for the kids. They are devastated and started going to therapy after their first foster sister was removed from the home. Recently, my older child came to me and said they cannot take another loss. They keep getting very attached to these foster siblings, only to have them ripped away. It’s not the fault of their dad or step-mom, and it’s also amazing that these kids get to stay with their biological family (the goal of foster care), but it doesn’t change how hard it is on them.

They told me that their dad and step-mom have been talking about taking on a new placement in the New Year and have said they won’t live with their father if they do so. They had tried talking to him, but all they had gotten was “It’s the reality of foster care.”

I went to my ex and Vanessa to talk about the kids. They kept saying that this is the reality of foster care, that it hurts them too, but they feel they’re at least offering a loving and safe home to these kids.

I asked what about the kids that they already have? My ex-husband’s argument is that they’ll be off to college soon. I asked why they can’t at least wait for the older two to leave the home, and they asked what if Vanessa got pregnant? Would they get to control that? I argued that’d be different. That’s not a sibling they’d risk losing. I ultimately said what the kids did: if they continued to foster, our elder kids would choose to not come around as much, and I’d support them in court.

If our youngest wanted to keep up the custody agreement, that’s fine, but I’d keep them in therapy.

My ex called me and said Vanessa has been sobbing all weekend after my “threat.” He says it’s not fair to ask this of them and make them decide. I told him it’s up to him to decide what he could live with. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

Your kids sound like they’re hurting a lot.

I can’t imagine it’s been easy for them and it sounds like their therapist is agreeing with the kids that it’s been really hurting them.

They said they talked to their dad about it, and it got nowhere.

You aren’t butting into a stranger’s business; these are your children, and they asked you, their mother, to intervene.

No matter what, all they are saying here is that you are actually responsible for the mental health of your children.

And that includes what happens at their other parent’s house.

You can’t stop them from continuing to foster. But you can respect your children’s wishes.

The oldest is past the age where they get legal input for custody agreements (I’m not sure about the 14-year-old).

If your kids decide that they need to protect their hearts from another loss, and they and their therapist think this is the best option, then as their mom, you’re doing the right thing.

It doesn’t make it easy; it’s an awful and heartbreaking situation, but your priority isn’t your ex’s desire to foster/foster to adopt, no matter how needed good foster parents are.

It’s the mental health of your children. It’s not pretty, but it is what it is.” gabbydearest91

Another User Comments:
“Something feels off here. Your kids are old enough to process loss and to understand that foster care isn’t a loss at all but a stepping-off point to a better life.

(Hopefully) either you or your therapist are coddling these kids. What they need is to confront these feelings and learn to accept them. Saying they are traumatized and then attempting to control someone else’s life for their sake is not healthy coping. It’s the opposite; you are teaching them that if they feel strongly about something. They should expect everyone else to move heaven and earth just so they can be at peace.

I highly suggest a change of therapist as well as getting into therapy yourself. This is unacceptable. All of you are going to end up emotionally stunted.

Let’s also not forget the fact that you are asking these people to not provide a warm loving home for what amounts to unwanted children. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be approved as foster parents? How much work goes into actually fostering kids? They are very strong people to go through with this and accept the losses (rehoming of children) while also still keeping up the hope that they will one day be able to adopt a child.

You are being so very cruel.

YTJ.” VixNeko

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Imagine how the kids who have to leave feel – now apply the same logic. The older one was probably super ready to be adopted. Heck, so was the 3-year-old. “But my kids are hurting” because they end up not getting a permanent sibling?

The alternative is they never ever get any sibling because their stepmom cannot have children.

You’re making a declaration that your ex’s new wife is not allowed to have kids, basically. Because you want to shelter your kids from dealing with literally ANY pain. Instead of teaching them how to process the situation, you want to cut it off altogether. It’s clear that to some extent, Vanessa just wants to help these kids – there are other ways to adopt a kid.

Also, your kids are already teenagers which makes me predict your ex and his wife are up there in years. Yes, you can foster whenever you want technically, but it gets harder with age. And more than that you’re forcing another woman to forgo her own family and children. And you say it’s for the kids, but here’s the thing – I definitely think a part of it is about you too.” ialwaysplayhealer

3 points (5 votes)
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NikkiM 3 months ago
YTJ. Your kids are old enough to understand that this isn't about THEM. Its not even about their dad and step mom. Its about these foster kids. Do you know how many HORRIBLE foster homes thete are out there. Where kids are horrendously abused? Your kids have grown up in a safe, warm family. These foster kids are being given the chance to be in that same safe, warm happy environment that they might not otherwise get to. IF your kids really feel that way and it isn't just you projecting your own feelings onto them, then they should be sat down and have this explained to them. Its awfully selfish of them and YOU. You, who have three children to raise dictating what their father and step mother WHO CANT HAVE KIDS OF HER OWN are allowed to do. YOU are trying to steal the chance for her to have a child to raise that isn't YOURS while also stealing the chance for these foster children to have an amazing place to live, even if just for a short time. You are ABSOLUTELY the jerk...
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6. AITJ For Telling My Husband I'll Stop Paying Everything Including Therapy If He Doesn't Look For A Job?

Vojtech Okenka

“My husband (M32) and I (F33) have been together for a total of 4 years. He’s dealt with depression and anxiety since 2019. He completely shut down, quit his job, sold his car, emptied his savings and stopped seeing friends and family, and started spending his day doing nothing. Not a thing, none.

It took months before realizing he was dealing with a mental health issue and I’ve arranged for him to see a therapist.

He was against it at first but then agreed to give it a try.

He got better and his quality of life improved. He regained his quality of life, he started going out and became sociable, he bought a new car and did a 180% makeover from hair, clothes, and working out, and even adopted 2 dogs.

It was miraculous and I was happy that he got his life back.

Except that he still doesn’t work, not only that but he used my money to get this transformation done. When I tried to talk to him about finding a job since he’s now doing well, he’d try to put the idea off and say he needs more therapy to be ready to start committing to a job and start working.

This went on for months and he jumped from a therapist to a therapist and still said he is not ready to look for a job yet goes out with friends, eats out, buys new gadgets and now a screen to watch his fav shows.

Last night, we had a huge argument after I found out he bought a $200 wristwatch for himself using my credit card. I couldn’t handle it and I shouted at him that it was time for him to find a job. He tried to use the “I’m still not ready for this kind of commitment yet,” but I blocked his attempt and told him I’d stop paying for everything including his therapy, and he got mad and replied that threatening to stop paying for everything even his therapy will set him back and we both won’t get where we want to be, but I told him he was a hypocrite for saying he’s not ready to look for a job since he’s living completely normal and may I say lavish life? He called me unbelievable and walked out.

He called his mom telling her I was losing it, and she got in the middle telling me off about what I said and told me to have some sympathy for him as he’s still struggling to regain his strength, but I told her to stay out of it which caused more rage from my in-laws.

They’re arranging for a meeting with me, but I don’t plan on going which might make matters worse..

I just think at this point he’s milking it. AITJ for my stance?

What is worse is that now I’m the bad guy in my in-laws’ eyes. They accused me of trying to hold his progress back when I said I won’t pay for therapy anymore and financially keep controlling him and claimed that I’m preventing him from getting better.”

Another User Comments:
“NTJ.

He tried to use the “I’m still not ready for this kind of commitment yet.”

Then he’s not ready to be a partner.

Marriage is a far, far bigger commitment than a job.

With hopping from therapist to therapist, enjoying extensive leisure time, and being able to maintain a schedule (working out), I think it’s understandable that you think he’s taking advantage of you.

I have to wonder if he’s jumping therapists because they don’t actually support the idea he’s not ready for work.

After over two years of him being the kept spouse when that was never part of the plan, I can see how him buying a 200 dollar watch would be the last straw.

Anxiety and depression can be life long struggles – that struggle does not mean you get a free ticket to check out from adult responsibilities – including the ones towards your partner.

You’ve carried him for over two years. He then tells his mother you’re “losing it” for being upset.

And I think that’s a bigger issue than maybe you’ve realized.

He gets to have a mental health issue where he can remain unemployed for two years, maybe even three depending on when in 2019 he quit – he gets to struggle and deserves your unquestioning support (and funding) on his terms indefinitely.

You get upset and instead of support, he tells his mom you’re “losing it.”

You don’t get to struggle. You don’t get to have mental health issues that deserve support or sympathy.

Only he gets that.

You’re just “losing it.”

Over half of your relationship has been this; do you want the rest of your marriage to be this way? Because he’s not making ANY effort to be an equal partner here.

In fact he’s actively resisting it.” Kettlewise

Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Literally EVERYONE has trauma and some form of depression or anxiety or mental health issues at some point of thier life.

Some people have serious mental health conditions that need to be managed with medical and counseling treatments, but an adult is still an adult.

He’s had a long vacation from work, and he’s had time to get his physical and mental and medical state in order.

The fact is, he’s extremely privileged. Most people do not get to take ANY TIME off working a job to deal with these kinds of issues.

You have shouldered the burden of being the sole breadwinner, and he has purchased high ticket items without even consulting you.

He can have whatever problems he has, that doesn’t mean he’s entitled to not go back to work because it’s uncomfy for him.

He has obligations as a spouse and partner. You are now at your breaking point. He has 2 weeks to get a job or he’s out of the house, no negotiation.

Time for him to be an adult and carry his weight.” jollyrancher645

Another User Comments:
“ESH – I’m a triple licensed therapist (and formal logic professor that’s why my posting history looks as it does for the nosy folks).

To be blunt, I think you’ve gone about this the wrong way. I’m going to explain what I do to give some context as to why my advice will differ from most therapists. So I have two licenses- one is psychotherapy and one in spiritual counseling. A third in philosophical counseling.

Psychotherapists are NOT allowed to set up action based plans as that’s what a life coach does (that’s why the difference is important).

Psychotherapists are client-led practices and NOT allowed to hold clients accountable, life coaches can.

So philosophical counseling is a style of life coaching NOT therapy to treat mental illnesses. I run a triple where I combine them all. I aid the mental illness, I respect spiritual and religious boundaries, and I make philosophical-based action plans.

You absolutely will be abandoning him of you cut him off. The people in the comments are not professionals and there’s an insane double standard between men and women here that most people in the comments are engaging in here.

I’ve seen posts where genders are reversed and everyone is chewing out the man for not providing only self-reporting their own behavior.

What I recommend is seeing a life coach. They will be able to set realistic goals and over say the span of 6 months have him PROVE he’s making progress. Arbitrary goals allow for fake action and that’s mainly why I’m pretty against psychotherapy as a field.

Make a chart or some form a visual indicator that allows BOTH of you to see the progress he’s making. If he refuses to follow the progress plan then consider more drastic options.

Based on your post, it sounds like there’s no plan so it’s even more ridiculous to think you’d get results.” philosopherlogic

1 points (5 votes)
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vbrh01 4 months ago
Been in this situation twice....really 4 times (don't ask). IMO, the therapist that commented has 2 fundamental flaws in their response: they clearly have never supported a spouse who's depressed and doesn't understand depression from a first person perspective. The absolute best thing you can do for HIM and yourself is follow through on that ultimatum a/o kick him out until. I'd bee happy to give you the details of my experience, but the short version is: 3 partners I enabled until they used me up and we split. 1 I gave a "don't come home without a job" directive to and we are together and happy 7 years later. I also spent time unemployed and depressed, Best thing I ever did was get moving and trudge through the discomfort. You're not helping him or you by allowing this to continue. Self-esteem comes from DOING not FEELING.
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5. AITJ For Causing My Sister To No Longer Have Her College Paid For?

Did she deserve this outcome? Eh, it’s hard to tell.

“My (16f) sister (18f), May, is going to college next year. She applied early decision to a prestigious school she’s always wanted to go to, and she got in. When she applied and when she got in, our mother had said that she would be paying for my sister’s college expenses. She can afford to completely pay for what May’s college fund doesn’t cover.

Our father cannot, and May would have to take our student loans.

Our parents are split. May chose to live solely with our father. I split time between their houses. May heavily dislikes our mother, but she is polite to her because she wants her college paid for. She is very rude about our mother behind her back.

A few days ago, May had gotten off the phone with our mother and was ranting to our father about how insufferable she is and how she hates her, and she wishes she didn’t have to talk to her because she’s an awful person and that she only tolerates her, so she’ll pay for her college.

I was in the next room and took a video of this and sent it to our mother.

She must have said something to May because May was very upset with me. She said I had no right to record her without her consent and that I was invading her privacy, and she should be able to rant in her own home without worrying about being recorded.

She said that our mother had said she no longer would be paying for her college, and I was “ruining her life” and that I was making it so much harder for her when she had worked so hard to get accepted.

My father is also mad at me, but my mother is glad I told her, so she can know.

I didn’t think I was in the wrong at the moment because I thought it was the right thing to do, but now I’m thinking I should’ve just minded my own business.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She’s 18 and is allowed to be upset about the divorce and have her own opinions about her mother. Being polite is a sign of respect, not being fake. You did breach her privacy by doing this, and now she will have a much harder time in life. You’re ok with having your sister drown in student loan debt because she doesn’t like your mom right now? I know you’re only 16, but this will have absolutely massive ramifications for her later on.

She can go to therapy and work on her issues and work on her relationship with her mom, but she probably can’t afford it now since she’s going to have to bust her butt paying for tuition and books.

Parents don’t owe their children excess, yes, or even owe their children a college tuition, but to have her take it away because your sister is going through something is pretty mean.

She is making her child’s life so much harder. I have a horrible relationship with my mom and am close to my dad and broke my back with jobs and loans paying for college. You’re allowed to not like your parents all the time, especially at 18. It’s a very vulnerable time. If anything, this may have damaged their relationship further as she may feel neglected or like trust is broken and now might feel even worse towards her mom.

I don’t think you meant to cause all this, so I wouldn’t exactly call you a jerk because you seem like a good person who wanted to do the right thing, but for the purposes of the sub, I saif YTJ because you did do something wrong that may have damaged relationships further and hurt her future.” MemphisGirl93

Another User Comments:
“NTJ – just because May is your sister/mom’s child does not give her a free pass to complain about your mum all she wants and still expect expensive gifts (this is what the college tuition is).

Whatever your reasons for sending the video, I imagine you felt a lot of anger at May for how she treats your mom.

I’ve been in a very similar situation with a sibling who was nice when they wanted funds for college and rude when my parents were not around. I also chose to be honest with my parents (verbally instead of a recording).

May is facing the consequences of her actions.

If she had spoken like this about her manager, then she would have been fired, so she should not get away with whining because ‘family.’” VividEfficiency7347

Another User Comments:
“I’d say ESH. First I completely agree that you were right to call bullcrap on the hypocritical behavior of your sister. Your mother is good enough to pay for college but then get trash-talked behind her back? And I would have understood you either defending your mother (when she’s not here) or warning your sister that you would not have it (and maybe the trash-talking would have stopped).

But recording your sister without her knowledge and showing it to your mother is raw. It seems less like you defending your mother and more like finding the most efficient way to screw with your sister.

And from what you tell in comments, yes, your mom may have had her faults (not being there because of her carrier, etc..). But still, your sister has a college fund and expenses paid for (or would have been). So not the worst parent either. Your sister comes off as a little entitled if anything.” cho-won-tchou

1 points (3 votes)
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NeNe 3 months ago
Shouldnt have recorded her but u absolutely should hv told your mom what sister said. Your sister sounds like a huge conniving mooch & im laughin tht mom cut her off
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4. AITJ For Telling My Partner He Was Embarrassing Us When He Started Crying At The Vet Clinic?

“My (f26) partner’s (m30) dog has been sick lately. He took him to the vet to get him looked at and run some tests, and yesterday, the vet called us for a quick appointment to talk about the dog’s condition.

We were told that he had cancer, and my partner didn’t take it well. He did not even give the vet time to explain to us what was really going on; he just had a breakdown.

We exited the office, and the next thing I knew, he dropped on his knees sobbing, Literally sobbing. I was shocked because for one, I know his dog is important to him; he had him for years, and so I get this was a lot to take in and cancer is no joke, but what really bothered me was how he handled it. His knees were on the floor, and he was sobbing loudly in the hallway making everyone notice.

Not gonna lie, as a woman, I’ve never even sobbed like that. I felt embarrassed for both of us. I kept trying to get him to go to the car, but he ignored me and kept sobbing.

I didn’t say anything until later after we got home, and he calmed down a bit and got some sleep. When he woke up, I brought up what happened at the clinic and expressed how embarrassing what he did was.

He looked at me shocked asking if I was serious, and I replied that I didn’t mean to seem insensitive, but I really thought he should’ve got a better hold of his emotions and handled the news better but not sob in the middle of the hallway causing people to stop and stare. He lashed out at me calling me ridiculous and shallow to be worrying about what people think when he was dealing with a traumatic kind of news and trying to process it.

I told him he overreacted because it wasn’t like the dog had died, and seeing him act this way worried me. He doubled down and lashed out again accusing me of implying that he has mental issues and was acting crazy, but that wasn’t what I meant. He told me to leave the room after we got further in the argument, and today, he’s gone quiet.

I honestly felt like I probably should not have brought it up like that given his reaction, but I didn’t mean to seem insensitive.

AITJ?

Editing this to say that my issue was never about him reacting like that just because he’s a man, No, this isn’t about that, but it’s about the way he reacted. I just did not think it was handled right. That’s all.

And also, I do show support, and the news was devastating to me too since I help take care of the dog, and that bond is there even though it’s his dog.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ- Every sentence I read made me wonder what made you think you were in the right.

That is such a crappy thing to do. Obviously, it’s not your dog, and you’ve never lost a pet you’ve actually cared about. Maybe the dog didn’t die, but cancer in dogs DOES kill them a lot of times. My grandparents’ senior dog has breast cancer, and the surgery is so in-depth that she will most likely die on the operating table, so we have to wait until we notice her quality of life going downhill.

Maybe you don’t understand how freaking hard that is. It hurts. Also, just because you never cried like that doesn’t mean other people aren’t allowed to have some freaking feelings. It’s incredibly terrible of you to act like he shouldn’t be crying, and that it was embarrassing because he was a guy. You seriously need to support him or let him find someone who will. Your post screams “nice girl,” and I feel so bad for your partner to have you berating him over emotion.

It’s so disappointing to know that a woman in 2022 has such an insensitive view on men’s emotions.” beller36

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Hugely so.

My husband and I lost our 12-year-old dog 8 weeks ago. We sobbed and sobbed and ugly cried when the vet told us there was nothing they could do, and we had to let him go.

It’s not a time to “hold composure,” and they definitely do not expect you to.

So there was no one to impress by holding it in or any protocol that was broken by showing your emotions.

He was showing genuine feelings; it’s actually really helpful to the grief process to let it out. If you don’t feel it? Fine. But for heck’s sake, do not judge him.

Losing your pet is a terrible pain. They are dependent on you, and the bond they have with us is indescribable to someone who doesn’t get it.

You need to apologize to him. He’s probably going through terrible angst right now, worried about losing his dog, and instead of someone to comfort him, he’s got this crap instead.” albert_cake

Another User Comments:
“As a vet student and vet tech for 8 years, YTJ. Every single person in a vet clinic (except you apparently) knows what it means when someone is crying inconsolably. Nobody is judging.

We all have pets that we love like family. We understand, empathize, and wish that person had/will get more time with their pet.

If you want to stay in this relationship (which for your partner’s sake, I hope you don’t), you need to sincerely apologize. Get him a personalized gift for his dog. Be supportive at any future appointments. And when that inevitable day comes where he loses his best friend of however many years to a disease that absolutely wrecks both human and animal bodies, keep your nasty mouth shut on how he handles it, and try to act like a kind human being.

YTJ, YTJ, YTJ, YTJ, YTJ, you’re the freaking jerk.” the_rabid_kitty

0 points (6 votes)
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Nikkij136 4 months ago
My ex husband pushed my kitty off a counter and he (the kitty) became unresponsive. Landed funny, jogged his heart wrong (apparently there was an underlying condition we didn't know about). I was four months pregnant at the time. We rushed him to the vet, but he was dead by the time we got there. My pregnancy was a hard one already, and this pushed me over the edge. I sank to the floor and started sobbing, cradling my kitty's body. My ex went very quiet. When we left, I found out he was furious with me for embarrassing him like that. It just made me cry harder. You are absolutely the jerk. To treat someone that way when they are already heartbroken is just cruel.
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3. AITJ For Uninviting My Stepdad From My Wedding So My Brothers Could Come?

“I, f25, along with my two brothers Dean & Kevin (both 30s) went through a rough time during our parents’ divorce. My mom got married to my stepdad, and we lived with him for years. Dean and Kevin never had a good relationship because they never wanted my mom and dad to separate in the first place. They resented my stepdad and limited contact once they moved out.

I, on the other hand, got to live with my stepdad more since I’m the youngest, and we established a somewhat stable relationship. Not gonna lie, he did what he could to help me out with school and everything; he even offered to fund my wedding which is going to be in 5 weeks’ time, and I’m very grateful for that though this was his decision.

I sent Dean and Kevin invitations, but once they found out that our stepdad was going to be there, they said they might not come. They took time to think then gave me an ultimatum stating that if our stepdad is coming, then they won’t be. I literally freaked out because I definitely want my brothers to be at my wedding so badly, and I tried talking to them, but they were being stubborn.

After talking to my fiance, I had no choice but to politely uninvite my stepdad and send him an email stating why. He said that he didn’t reply, but later I got a call from my mom yelling at me calling me hurtful stuff saying I was acting like an ungrateful brat by excluding her husband from the wedding after everything he’s done for me. I told her that my brothers threatened not to come which pushed me to make this difficult decision because if it was for me, I’d have everyone there.

She cussed me out for prioritizing my hateful and cold-hearted brothers over my stepdad and showing him that I’m not worthy of his grace, which was really really hurtful for me to hear. After she hung up, I asked my fiance if I made the wrong decision, and he said it’s my wedding, and I get to decide eventually, but I knew he said that because he’s biased.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

You invited everybody you wanted at the wedding. Your brothers are being petty for creating the ultimatum against a stepdad that seemingly hasn’t done anything wrong. They generally chose to dislike him solely because he is a stepdad. In my opinion, if your brothers really cared, they would go to your wedding regardless in support you. Them creating the ultimatum shows that their hate for your stepdad is more important than you.

What makes you the jerk is uninviting your stepdad for your brothers. As much as you want your brothers to attend, it’s their decision whether or not they would come. That decision shouldn’t be at the detriment of someone else attending. Of course, it is your wedding, and you have the final say of who attends.” Ragingangel13

Another User Comments:
“YTJ.

Look, I come from a divorced family with stepparents.

I also have jerk older brothers and sisters who resent my stepmom. But my stepmom is a wonderful lady who has never been anything but kind to me, and my brothers and sisters are frankly delusional for thinking she is in any way responsible for our parents not being together. Even if she disappeared from the planet, Mom and Dad wouldn’t get back together. It sounds like your situation is similar – in your own words, you have a good relationship with your stepfather and he’s been supportive of you.

Furthermore, he paid for the wedding you are now banning him from. By capitulating to your jerk brothers’ emotional blackmail (they are, by the way, ALSO jerks for making your special day about them and their juvenile feelings), you have probably permanently damaged your relationship with your stepdad.

In my mind, you have two options here: 1) go back and apologize to your stepdad – and by this, I mean you better be groveling on your hands and knees – or 2) pay back all of his bucks and resign yourself to never having a relationship with him or your mom.

Your brothers have made you choose, and if I were you, I know EXACTLY who I would choose.

Oh, and suggest some therapy to your brothers – they clearly need it.” caffeinefree

Another User Comments:
“ESH (except for your mother and step-dad).

My mother hates my father for deceiving her. Given a choice, she would much rather not be in the same room as him.

But for my wedding, and the wedding of my brother, plus for our graduation ceremonies, she put that aside because she knew that her being there was important to us, as was our father being there, and she didn’t want to have to put either of us in the position where we have to choose one or the other.

Hating your step-father and not wanting to be in the same room as him (when you don’t have to interact) is somewhat acceptable when you are a kid. Your brothers are in their 30s, so unless your stepdad did something horrible to them, they are acting like complete jerks.

And you are supporting this. You have decided that your brother’s (unjustified) hatred towards your stepdad is more important than having the person who is paying for everything appear.

You have obviously chosen your side, which you have the right to do, but I am willing to guess that we will see a post from you in a couple of years: “AITJ – My mom and stepdad have gone no-contact and don’t want to help me anymore after I uninvited them from the wedding they paid for.”” mudbunny

0 points (4 votes)
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Elleds 4 months ago
I hate to say it because I feel bad for you, but YTJ. I would fix this, asap. Your brothers are being brats. Your stepdad sounds like a good man. This had to have hurt him deeply. Especially since you sent an email!
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2. AITJ For Refusing To Go On Vacation Without My Daughter From A Previous Marriage?

“My wife and I have two kids together. She has a son from a previous relationship (his dad is not in his life at all, so he is with us all the time), and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. My ex is very difficult to co-parent with, and unfortunately, I only have my daughter every other weekend and one day a week. I used to coach her team because it gives me more time with her, but she is too talented to be coached by Dad now.

I am fighting like heck to change this (to get more time). My daughter (13f) has expressed to me that she is hurt that I spend more time with my two younger kids (6f, 8m) and my stepson (15m) more than her, and I am doing my very best to let her know that she is not loved any less, and if I had my way, I would get to see her way more.

My wife and I want to travel with the kids, and my ex has made it very difficult and always refuses to allow my daughter to go. She needs permission from both parents to leave the state, so, unfortunately, there is nothing I can do at the moment. My wife thinks that the other three should not be held back because of my daughter (I can share more about my daughter’s and wife’s relationship if this info is necessary to make a judgment).

I agree that the others should not be held back, and I don’t want them to resent my daughter if we do not travel because of her. However, I am not comfortable going on these trips if she is not there. I gave my wife my blessing to travel with my stepson and two younger kids but told her that I cannot join her because I do not want to hurt my daughter more.

I told her we can travel in the state as a family, but until she is 18, I do not feel comfortable going to places without her.

My wife is really angry with me and says she does not want to travel alone with the three kids, and I am being a bad husband/father for not going. I told her that I understand her feelings and that we can pay for her mother or someone else to go with them if she feels like it is overwhelming.

We got into a really big fight, and I ended up telling her that I am looking out for the well-being of all four kids, but she is only looking out for her 3. She told me that I am a jerk for not going on the trip and accusing her of not loving my daughter (I did not accuse her of this; I just said she is not thinking about my daughter’s feelings in this instance).

So AITJ for not going on a trip without my daughter?

edit: talked to my wife and told her that we can go out of state, but she has to help me tell my daughter since it is her idea and she can’t put it all on me. I told my ex that I will tell our daughter that she is the one blocking the trips. Told both of them that every trip we take without our daughter, will be a father/daughter trip out of state I take with her when she turns 18, and I will be taking solo trips with her if I am forced to leave her behind.

I’m sick of my daughter being used as a pawn.”

Another User Comments:
“There is a lot going on here and a severe lack of details around a lot of it.

Your first marriage broke up when you had an affair with your current wife.

Your daughter doesn’t think she should do chores while she’s at your house.

I haven’t seen any details about where out of state your wife wants to go.

First, your daughter is just getting to the age now where she is starting to see things through a more adult viewpoint, and there could be a lot of resentment under the surface for your wife breaking up her parents. This could be the root of some of the issues with your wife and daughter, especially if her mom is feeding that. This is just a challenge all around.

Your claim that your current wife knew you were married when you had an affair doesn’t absolve you of anything here, and you may need to address this directly with your daughter and clear the air.

Without more details about the chores complaints, I don’t know where to land on this, but your daughter should be contributing reasonably to day-to-day stuff at your house, picking up her own stuff, setting the table for dinner.

She should not be asked to do whole house cleaning or anything like that. If she comes over and makes a huge mess and thinks she isn’t responsible for it, that’s going to be frustrating to your wife. If your wife expects her to vacuum, dust, and do three days of dishes, that’s clearly unfair to your daughter.

To me, the location of the trip your wife wants makes all the difference here.

Does she want a beach vacation but insists it’s Hawaii, not San Diego? That’s a jerk move. Your little kids love dinosaurs, and she wants to take them to see the fossils in Utah? That is way more reasonable.” emilystarr

Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Do you actually like your wife and family, because you sure don’t act like it. When your other children grow up and go no contact with you, crappy behavior like prioritizing your first daughter over them is going to be why.

They are being held back and punished because your daughter – who has made it clear she has no interest in knowing them and deigns to spend SOME time with them…. ish… but is really just there to see you – can’t go?

You do not allow your wife to step-parent your daughter and then get mad when she wants to do family things even though it might exclude her?

Sorry, but you have her relay her wants for your daughter through you, and then get mad when her wants don’t include your daughter? Bro, you set that up yourself.

Of course she isn’t going to have the same parental bond — you told her she was not allowed. Your daughter doesn’t have responsibilities around the house like the other people who live there? She didn’t want to have to see your family, just you, and instead of standing up for your family and saying you were a unit, you supported that?

Like, were you thinking “how can I be the MOST disrespectful to my wife and family and cater to my daughter above them? What else can I do? Oh! Yes, refuse to go on any vacations without her! BRILLIANT!”

It sucks being the kid who isn’t part of the family and gets left out.

But that’s not what this is — your daughter has made it clear she isn’t part of this family and you’ve supported her in it all along. Your wife thinking you all should still be able to go on vacations as a family when you’ve done your best to keep the two separate by supporting your daughter’s crappy mindset about them already makes complete sense.

You owe your wife major apologies.

And your children. You are failing them as a father. Take your wife wherever she wants to go.

When your daughter is 18 and can decide it on her own instead of needing her mother’s approval, you’ll plan fun trips for the family to make up for the ones your ex wouldn’t let her go on — you don’t love her less because you can’t take her, and you’d love to — but your actions right now say you DO love the rest of your family less.” NotAnotherWhatever

-1 points (3 votes)
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bres 4 months ago
Where is everyone seeing the she doesn’t have chores/to help stuff??
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1. AITJ For Jokingly Calling My Academic Partner A Trophy Wife?

That’s definitely not a name to call your intelligent, loving partner of five years.

“My girl of 5 years, Clara (25F), and I (26M) both attend the same university. I’m finishing up the final parts of my STEM BSc (computer science, working on mobile application development), and she’s in the 3rd year of studying for a doctorate in Humanities and will get her Phd in September. It’s a university city, so politically active, and Clara is active there, does a lot of organizing, demos and protests, etc.

For your information, we align the same politically, so this isn’t an issue; I’m just describing what she does.

If you know computer science dudes, you’ll know we like to joke around a lot. Last year, I had to repeat classes, and I was with students a few years below me who saw photos of me and Clara on my phone background. Clara is objectively very pretty, and it’s something I can be insecure of.

So I, jokingly said she was my trophy wife and made some dumb blonde-type jokes about her being “no thoughts, head empty” and “proof you are either pretty or smart.” If you know guys, you know inside jokes, and my trophy wife became a meme in the STEM underclasses. My friends even made me a mug that said, “Every developer needs a trophy wife.”

But last week, I took Clara to a mutual friend’s party, and the CS underclassmen were there.

They straightaway started joking about finally meeting the trophy wife, and she got offended and said something snippy like, “You know I’m doing a Phd and organized X strike to pressure the college for funding for YOUR department, right?” (I know this as I had told her about the issue, so she pressured the college).

My friend was intoxicated and laughed at her and said he didn’t know that, but a degree in CS is worth more than “reading books and acting like MLK,” and to my horror, said something like, “OP, you were right; she is a trophy wife.” Clara, who is mixed race, seemed to take offense at the first statement but left the group and ignored me totally.

At home, she rounded on me, and I immediately said sorry; the MLK comment was wrong and that I’ll speak to him. She said to forget that and asked me what the heck I meant by trophy wife. I explained the backstory, a bit badly as I was drinking. She asked why I didn’t defend her from the comments about her degree, but I said that everyone thinks their course is the best, and she shouldn’t overreact.

She told me I was a total jerk then gave me the cold shoulder till now.

I feel like a jerk because I didn’t think she’d be annoyed by trophy wife jokes. She is aware she’s pretty and is confident about it, so I don’t know why she’s reacting badly. I accept the MLK comment was rude, and my friend apologized the next day. But the trophy wife stuff was just jokes.

Most people in her community know her well. She never interacts with STEM students, so I didn’t think their jokes mattered.

Maybe this is an “academia” thing I don’t know about since I’m aiming to work in an industry? If I messed up, I want to apologize, but I can’t see how this was more than a joke gone sour.

Edit: I’m seeing some people argue about politics, and I wanted to be fair/clear about this since it seems I’m the jerk in all other ways.

She isn’t an activist for party politics, AKA leftwing or rightwing stuff; she’s more a “student politics” type. Student Union president last year and did a lot of student union stuff through her time here. That’s why she was able to press the college for funding for facilities. So no, it’s not the kind of “professional liberal” you’ew thinking of, so please stop sending me hate from both sides of the political line.

Also, to the person who DMed asking if she was doing a gender studies phd, no, her subject is history. I accept that I’m a jerk, not because of all your abuse but because of the kind of people agreeing with me.”

Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A joke is not a joke if it hurts people, and you dismissing it as such is a huge problem.

Calling her a “trophy wife” is terribly cruel and entirely devalues the work she has put into everything, INCLUDING her relationship with you.

And you even bragged about that to your friends? You seriously lack tact and empathy here. All of you need to reassess your thoughts about women here. You insulted your girl and thought she’d be fine with it? Calling her stupid? NONE of this is okay towards anyone.

Seriously, I hope she’ll be your ex-trophy wife and find someone who loves and appreciates her, even though she seems to be doing a pretty good job at this herself already, considering she won’t let you walk all over her.

You aren’t sorry about what you said but that you got caught and if this is the “humor” in the industry, which frankly it isn’t; it’s freaking disgusting. You are literally justifying this with “boys being boys.”

To round it up, you a) let her become a punchline in your friend group 2) called her stupid 3) devalued her work and reinforced stereotypes which are clearly not true 4) did not defend her at any point 5) let your friend ridicule her 6) let your friend make a racially charged comment towards her 7) still FREAKING dismissed her 8) tell her “just a joke, bruh” 9) still call it a joke WHEN IT HAS CLEARLY HURT HER.

You’re so much of a jerk, I am not even sure how you could type all of that out without realizing it. She should leave.

And you didn’t even DEFEND her from this situation YOU caused?” ILikeSealsALot

Another User Comments:
“YTJ making a one off joke about her being a “trophy wife” to people who know she’s actually intelligent might have been ok. But to make out to people who don’t know her that she’s just pretty with no brains? And to perpetuate it to the point where it becomes a running joke among your friends? That’s not funny; that’s just obnoxious.

You’re one of those people who does crappy things then try and tell people “it’s just a joke, dude” when they get (rightfully) upset.

You want her to take the “trophy wife” comment as a compliment because it means she’s pretty, but you’re completely ignoring the fact that it also means she’s stupid. She’s 25 and finishing up her PhD; you’re 26 and haven’t even managed to get a bachelor’s yet (which most people get at 21); plus, you had to retake some classes because you couldn’t even pass them first time around.

One of you doesn’t sound particularly intelligent, and it’s not your girl. I imagine you know this, and it makes you insecure which is part of the reason why you perpetuated this “joke.”

You need to grow the heck up. You’re 26 and acting like some dumb fresher. You need to sincerely apologize to your girl and reevaluate yourself to understand why you thought degrading her like this was acceptable.

Then you need to explain to your friends that the joke was hurtful and that your girl is actually very intelligent, is working towards a PhD, and is doing xyz activism in the community. You need to call out your friends if they try to make the joke again, and if they don’t stop, then you need to cut them out of your life.

You better pray your girk forgives you for this, but I don’t know if I would.” rosenengel

Another User Comments:
“Hi, I have a BS in Computer Science.

I am a male and have been working as a software engineer for almost 8 years.

Holy crap, YTJ.

You and your buddies give the rest of us a bad name.

You are a jerk. This field has enough problems with discrimination, and entitlement. You are part of the problem, and you haven’t even graduated yet. Congratulations!

It would be one thing if you one time jokingly referred to her as your trophy wife as a compliment to comment on how beautiful she is.

But calling her dumb and deriding her degree and career FOR MONTHS behind her back is such a mean and horrible thing to do.

You and your classmates aren’t just “joking around;” you are actively contributing to a hostile environment for women in the field by talking like this constantly. Neither you, me, or your classmates are better than anyone else because of our field of study.

Her work is not any less important than yours.

You say you’re training for “working in the field,” but I have news for you: acting like this in a workplace can very much end up with you being fired if your company has any moral compass. You are going to have to work with plenty of people without a STEM degree, many of them will have much more experience, knowledge, and market value than you.

If I had even caught a whiff of this level of entitlement in an interview it would result in an immediate rejection. This is not normal good-natured STEM behavior.

Do better or better yet, make room for others instead of pushing them out.” Dorianscale

-1 points (3 votes)
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Pabs 4 months ago
YTJ. Your intelligent activist partner, who is doing wonderful things in the world, is being disrespected by her computer geek boyfriend and all his computer geek friends as being a “trophy”. She is a trophy, for what she does. And she’s a trophy that you don’t deserve.

Beware the silence. It means she’s thinking…of whether you’re worthy of her. And you’re not. This interaction is going to color how she looks at you. Every statement you make will be looked at through this lens of you needing to look like a “big man” to the rest of your geek buddies.

Eventually you’re going to lose her. Which is fine because you don’t deserve her.
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