People Solicit Our Opinion On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Leaving When My Sister-In-Law Stole My Pregnancy Announcement?
“I (36f) found out that I am pregnant. I am overjoyed as I have always wanted a child of my own. I focused on my career in my life and since I am single, I wasn’t sure if having a baby would ever happen.
I was excited to tell my family the big news. My older sister has one child, my nephew (7m). My brother is married but he and his wife have made it very clear they will always be child-free.
Last night we had a family dinner and I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to share the news. Since this will be my only child I wanted to make it special and I also wanted to involve my nephew.
I got a shirt that read ‘this is what an awesome big cousin looks like.’ I slipped away with my nephew before dinner and had a special moment with him while I told him he was going to have a cousin.
My nephew was very excited and put on the shirt. He put his sweater on over it and I told him he could take the sweater off whenever he wanted at dinner.
In the middle of dinner, he took off the sweater and waited for someone to notice. Soon my sister jumped up and excitedly screamed when she saw the shirt.
They all then immediately assumed it was my sister-in-law.
I wasn’t hurt by them assuming this and I kind of expected it because she is married.
I was hurt because my sister-in-law didn’t try to correct them. She just went along with it and began to rub her flat belly while laughing. I must have looked completely hurt because my mother yelled at me to stop being rude and to congratulate them.
I tried to explain that I was the one who gave my nephew the shirt.
They all didn’t even hear me and just continued to fawn over my sister-in-law. My brother stood frozen in shock just asking his wife if she was serious.
I got up and went home. I received multiple texts at this point from them telling me what a jerk I am for making this about me. They said things like it wasn’t my sister in-law’s fault that I was jealous.
I didn’t reply to anything and just cried myself to sleep.
This morning my sister-in-law must have finally let it slip that she is not pregnant. They have now all called me to apologize saying that they just got caught up in the moment.
They said I shouldn’t have left the dinner and that it was my fault I wasn’t clear enough that I was the one who is pregnant.
My mom said I could have a redo dinner so I can get it right and they will all act surprised.
My sister-in-law sent me a message that said that the way I chose to announce was how she wanted to do it if she ever got pregnant. She said that since she is not ever having a child she just wanted to experience what the moment would be like.
She also said I can have my chance at the redo dinner.
I told them no and that I will not be doing a redo. Every single person has now told me I am being selfish and a jerk because I won’t let them make it right.
To me, there’s no fixing this. I will eventually forgive them but I don’t want to do a second announcement so they feel better.
AITJ?
UPDATE 1: It has been four months. I am now almost seven months pregnant and expecting a baby girl.
After everything happened I tried going low contact with my family. I didn’t want to deal with their drama and chose to instead focus on my pregnancy. That didn’t last long because my brother showed up at my door a few days after the dinner with his suitcase.
He needed some time to work things out and I was happy to give him a place to stay while he did.
My sister-in-law and other family members began calling both of us nonstop during this time. They were begging my brother to talk to his wife. Eventually, she convinced him that it was all a joke that just went horribly wrong. I knew this was total nonsense and that she was lying.
My brother seemed so lost and broken without her though. He went back home after staying with me for only a short time. Before he left I talked to him about everything and told him all my concerns. He said that he loves his wife and this was all just a misunderstanding. He told me I was cruel for holding a joke gone wrong against her and that we both need to get over it.
I couldn’t force him to listen to reason so I just let him go.
After he left I went back on low contact with most of my family and have been much happier since. I realized after reading the comments on my previous post exactly how toxic my family is. I decided to focus on the people in my life that were truly there to support me and my baby.
My parents keep trying to contact me but it has become less frequent lately.
Yesterday I received news that many of you had predicted. My sister-in-law is now pregnant. I found out when I received an invitation to her upcoming gender reveals zoom party in my email.
I haven’t responded yet and I haven’t heard any news from any family other than the invitation. I’m torn between laughing hysterically and crying for my brother.
I truly don’t know what to think.
UPDATE 2: My brother and SILs gender reveal zoom party took place today. For the last few weeks, I had been debating on if I should attend or not. I had been doing well with being in no contact with most of my family but I couldn’t seem to let go of the feeling that I was being selfish and not supportive of my brother.
So I decided to reach out and talk. I think I decided this mainly out of curiosity but also loneliness. It’s hard being pregnant, alone, and stuck in the house.
I reached out to them online. My brother and his wife are definitely pregnant. They started to try shortly after he returned home from staying with me. My SIL told me that my brother changed his mind about having children after a long talk they had about their future.
I personally think there is more to this story but I don’t have all the details on this yet.
They did tell me that they were sorry about what happened with my pregnancy announcement. My brother asked me if we would all just move forward and if I would come to their gender reveal. I agreed and decided to let it go.
I also started to speak with my parents again.
My parents did not apologize for their part in what happened during my pregnancy announcement. They didn’t even really acknowledge that anything had happened at all between us. They don’t ask me much about my pregnancy or my baby. They have only been interested enough to ask two questions. They asked what my child’s last name will be since I’m a single mother and what the gender is.
I told them I will not be sharing the gender of my baby until the birth.
Today was the gender reveal zoom party. We were instructed to wear blue or pink depending on what we thought the gender would be. I chose to wear pink since the only dress I own that fits me right now happens to be pink.
As all the attendees logged onto the zoom call everything seemed to be going rather well.
My parents were in head-to-toe blue and said it was because they are excited that my brother is finally ‘carrying on the family name’. My SIL and brother were dressed opposite in all pink. Everyone seemed happy and ready to celebrate.
My sister-in-law had chosen to pop a large balloon filled with confetti that will reveal the gender. She popped the ballon and out came a cloud of blue confetti.
My parents began to cry and cheer at the announcement. My brother and everyone else was smiling and clapping. My SIL on the other hand was not.
The next few moments were filled with all of the guests saying their congratulations. My SIL stayed perfectly silent throughout all of it. She seemed somewhat emotionless until I piped up to say my congratulations. I had said to them both ‘cCngratulations on your little boy.
His cousin can’t wait to meet him.’
My SIL went insane. She began screaming that I was trying to steal the spotlight away from her by mentioning my baby. She said that I was being jealous and petty over my birth announcement disaster. She then asked me ‘what are you having anyway?’. She demanded to know the gender of my baby and began asking if it was a girl.
She then said that I must be having a girl since I’m wearing a pink dress. My parents and other family members did little to stop my SILs meltdown.
I chose not to fight with her or to try to reason with her. I just exited the call and let it go. I don’t know what my SILs problem is or why she is behaving this way.
I don’t care and I’m not going to let things like this bother me anymore. It was a bad idea to break no contact.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That is completely messed up. Everyone (except nephew and you) sucks here but especially you’re SIL. She knew what she was doing, let you be upset, let you leave, and smiled the whole time. What a jerk. When we announced our first pregnancy, my little brother decided to announce his too right after me, totally killing the mood and excitement that was for just us (he originally planned to announce the next week but just decided for SOME REASON to do it then).
It’s been almost 4 years and I still get upset about it when I think about it. But this is a completely different level. So sorry you had to go through this. And congratulations! Very happy for you to be expecting.” coolstevenn
Another User Comments:
“Holy cow, NTJ at all. Your family weren’t the jerks when they assumed it was your SIL, because of the way she reacted and didn’t correct them.
Your SIL is a huge jerk for going along with it and not correcting anyone. Your family is NOW being the jerk because they’re saying it’s somehow your fault that you don’t feel like redoing your pregnancy announcement? Your SIL ruined your moment and isn’t even acting like it was a big deal to LIE to an entire group of people for an entire day about being pregnant.
That’s borderline psychotic.” anonymoose_octopus
Another User Comments:
“When it was your actual announcement and someone decided it lie and make it theirs, they tried to blame and yell at you. When you left because the moment was ruined for you and no one heard you say it was your announcement, they blamed and yelled at you. When they finally fessed up and said it wasn’t them and everyone finally realized it was your announcement, they blamed and yelled at you.
Screw that, I wouldn’t redo it or talk to them for a while. They need to see how ridiculous and insensitive they are being and how self-centered your SIL is. She should have never tried to take something like that over just to see what the moment would be like. Tell her if she wanted to see what it’s like, have a kid. Otherwise, keep out of it. Why would anyone think it’s the same to ‘act surprised.’ Like no you had your chance and messed it all up. You’re definitely NTJ. I’m sorry that happened to you.” rysmooky
14. AITJ For Not Convincing My Daughter To Give Bone Marrow To Her Brother?
“My ex-wife and I were married for 7 years. We split up because she had mental health issues that led her to repeatedly two-time on me with a coworker. I got full custody of our daughter because my ex-wife tried to kidnap her and do unspeakable things to her. My ex-wife has never paid the court-mandated child support and I never pursued it because I make a significant amount at my job and she is unemployed.
We split 11 years ago and our daughter is now 17. My ex-wife made no attempt to stay in contact, she got with the guy she had been seeing and they had a son together shortly after we divorced.
About 3 months ago my ex-wife contacted me to say that my daughter wasn’t actually mine, she was the product of the affair with the guy she is now married to, and that my daughter needed to donate bone marrow to her ‘brother.’ I refused.
She contacted our daughter by showing up at school and when our daughter refused to talk to her (she is unhappy that after all this time her mum only shows up when she wants something), my ex-wife escalated to screaming at her about being ‘ungrateful for being alive’.
Our daughter came home very upset and broke down about how upset she was that her mum never reached out to her after the split and how now the only reason she’s contacted us is because she needs something.
As a result of how upset she was, I’ve gotten legal advice. My ex-wife is having a meltdown over social media because I won’t ‘force’ our daughter to talk to her or donate bone marrow.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You seem to be a great dad to your daughter. That she confided in you and told you her insecurities about how her mum only showed up because she wanted something from her shows how much she trusts you.
A teenage girl no less.
You can be really proud that you’ve been there for her. It’s not easy for a young girl to feel like her mum doesn’t want her. She still seems to hold some of those feelings when she says she only showed up because she wanted sth. She seemed to have wanted her to show up for another reason. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to get your daughter into counseling so the recent behavior of your ex isn’t destroying her feeling of self-worth.
As for the donor thing. I completely agree that this is the daughter’s choice alone. She decides what she wants to do or not. But in this case, I can also see the point of view of the mother. Her son seems to have a serious illness and she’s trying everything she can think of to save him. Understandable but not your daughter’s cross to bear.” xxSKSxx_
Another User Comments:
“You’re certainly NTJ.
Your ex-wife disrespected you, hurt you and her daughter, endangered your daughter’s safety, didn’t do anything to qualify as a parent, cut her daughter off and now she feels entitled to a bone marrow donation and that your daughter has to be ‘grateful’? For what? Being almost driven into a ditch? Getting off for years by her own mother? Your daughter owes her nothing and I doubt the whole thing about your daughter not being yours is even real, and regardless of whether it is or isn’t, it makes it even worse for her that she’s not yours.
It means that she abandoned her daughter all these years with a man who isn’t her father while living with her real father, and only remembered her when she needed something.
Either way, if you’re daughter wants to do it, she can do it, but you’re completely right to not want your daughter to have anything to do with her. A parent isn’t just something we write on a legal document or DNA test, but someone who actively plays a role in our lives not conveniently uses us when they need something while not doing the bare minimum for years.” RinoTheBouncer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Donating organs and such is the one thing you as a parent CAN’T decide for your child. It’s not up to you, nor her mother. It’s up to her, but your daughter is susceptible to manipulation, which you’re right to shield her from.
Your daughter doesn’t seem to wanna do this, and you should then shield her from any harassment from her mom, cause the decision’s been made.
Plus, your daughter needs to draw lines and set up boundaries, which will be especially tough for her to do against her own family (mother). But she has to learn it. She wouldn’t give in to someone pushing this on her if it was an estranged friend, so why would she do it for an estranged mother who treats her like this? You forcing her to donate would be to send her a msg that she shouldn’t draw lines and have boundaries, or that boundaries don’t apply to family.
For the love of God: DO NOT force a kid through a bone marrow transplant. It is a very painful procedure. And it’ll be traumatic if she knows that pain comes bc you forced her and threw her under the bus. Not to mention the pain from knowing her mom only came along to rip bone marrow out of her by force before leaving again. She might distance herself from you once she moves out if you ever did that… She’s allowed to change her mind ofc, but that has to be from her own free will, and not any manipulation or force.” NorwegianTolaGirl
Your daughter is 17 and old enough to make this decision for herself. My recommendation would be to have her talk to a counselor about her feelings about her mother because that needs “working through” (not to say she needs to be involved with her mother but she needs to get to a place where her mother cannot cause upheaval in her life). The counselor should also discuss the bone marrow thing in the context of “if your mother wasn’t involved in this scenario at all, would you do it?” Because if the other child dies, you also don’t want your daughter to think “maybe if I had donated bone marrow he wouldn’t have died” and feel guilty about that.
13. WIBTJ If I Pay My Dog Sitters Half Of What I Promised?
“My family and I are in our condo to get away for this weekend. We have two brothers 15 and 16 as neighbors across the street from us. We are friends with their parents and because their dad fosters dogs we asked them to dog sit for us and would pay them $60 a day.
Well, our expectations were (and we communicated this to them) that they would spend time with them (we have 3) and keep them company throughout the day, especially since one of them needs to stay in his cage otherwise he would try to eat everything (not kidding).
They know this. We left around 12 yesterday and they were supposed to be there around 3, they didn’t go over till 7:40 at night to feed and walk them… they eat at 6. We know this because we have a camera at our front door and living room. We texted them when they were going over at 6:30. They replied saying they were on their way now.
They live 10 steps away from our house and didn’t get there till 7:40.
Today our cleaner and family friend was there from 8-3:30 and they are still not over they got there at 7:42 and left at 7:56. I am completely livid. They do not know there are cameras in our house and our poor baby has been stuck in his cage the entire day and has only been out for 15 min since our friend left.
We texted them asking how the dogs were doing and they replied ‘they’re good!’ We said pics would be appreciated. They sent a pic of the dogs to us and we checked the live cameras again and he is still in his cage. They lied and I am livid.
WIBTJ if I cut their pay? I don’t know what to do… my heart hurts for my pups they are part of the family and I am not paying their boys $60 a day to only be with them for 15.
I am furious and don’t know if I am thinking clearly.
Edit: They are finally there now and from what I see are taking care of them. We let them know of the cameras and will be having a phone conversation with them and their parents.
Also, they are getting $60 each for all 4 days. 3/4 days are only half days as they don’t need to go over till 4 or 5.
Also, INFO: one of my dogs has pica and has had surgery due to him eating a pillow, this is why he needs to be in a cage when no one is there to look after him, it is so he does not hurt himself. We are also looking into children’s playpens so he will have more room but still be safe. Rover also looks like a great option and reference and I will definitely be using this next time! Thank you for your support and concern!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
They don’t deserve to be paid the full amount. Not sure where you live Op, but next time I’d recommend using a dog walking app for this. There you can hire people, read reviews about them, and you can even complain if something goes wrong. Look into it, it’s worth it. I’ve been a pet sitter for 2 years now and the platform is pretty good.
As for the cameras, thank god you have them as you have evidence. Most of my clients have cameras too, and I think only one told me about it. I never cared because I’m not doing anything wrong.” NyssaHun
Another User Comments:
“I’m of mixed opinion. On one hand, having them keep your dogs company throughout the day for 4 days for only $60 each is wildly underpaying them and probably why they are blowing this off and not putting that much effort into this.
However, this is what they agreed to, for the money they agreed to, and they are not delivering. If they were meeting the bare minimum of feeding them close to on time and not blowing you off when you call or text I would go with YTJ for not paying them near enough for the service you requested. But it sounds like you are getting 15-30 min a day so max 2 hours of work at $15 sounds reasonable, so NTJ, be clear with them and their parents why you are upset and dock their pay.” DeusXMathematica
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
In fact, you’re kind of the jerk for even offering to pay them anything. Yes, they did do some work, but it fell so short of humane treatment that you would never have agreed to pay someone anything to treat your dogs that way.
I’d tell their parents that their care was not remotely what you’d agreed on, that you aren’t paying anything for the inhumane treatment they provided, and offer to provide video evidence of their negligence if they’d like proof.” bobi2393
12. AITJ For Not Letting My Children Call Their Step-Parent "Mom"?
“My ex-husband and I divorced well over 5 years ago while I was pregnant. After my son was born we both got 50/50 custody, I’m on good terms with my ex-Husband mostly because he’s my child’s father. My Ex has a wife, and I have a fiance. I am on perfectly good terms with his wife.
My kid has recently gotten into the habit of calling his step-mom ‘mom.’ I haven’t said anything, but I find this extremely disrespectful, for 2 reasons.
1, I don’t encourage my kid to call my fiance ‘dad’ because I RESPECT his actual father, instead I encourage him to call him by his nickname. 2, I have changed his diapers, breastfed him, and love him. And so on.
Kissing my kid on the cheek/forehead is fine, Hugging my kid is fine, but in my opinion, she crossed a huge boundary. I called her and told her I don’t feel comfortable with her encouraging my son to call her mom and that I’d like her to stop.
She told me to stop being jealous, which I wasn’t. I could’ve stopped it a long time ago, and acted all jerky. But I didn’t.
When my son came over I had a talk with him over him calling his stepparent ‘mom’. I told him that it hurts my feelings. And, that she isn’t his ACTUAL mom. He understood. And when his step-mom came to pick him off, he didn’t call her mom.
Was I the actual jerk here? It just doesn’t feel right to me to call your step-parent mom/dad when you have a perfectly respectable bio-mom/dad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you’re not right either.
I mean, of course, you’re entitled to feel territorial, but you are doing this for yourself, not your son. That’s kinda selfish.
You don’t have anything against this woman, and she’s raising your child along with your ex, so why let your ego pick a fight? And you aren’t hurting her (okay, you probably are) but you are hurting your son.
Now he has to worry about managing your emotions and has to watch his words, so as not to upset you. Is that the kind of relationship you want with your son, a fearful one? Is that the kind of relationship you want him to have with his other parents? Would you stop him if he wanted to call your fiance ‘Da?’ Would you be accepting if your ex started telling you what you can do with your son in your own home?
How about working on yourself and celebrating the fact that your son obviously feels safe, happy, and loved when you can’t be there for him?” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You basically sat your son down, reminded him of the conflict smoldering around your divorce, then told him that his interactions with his stepmother counted as picking a side in a way that hurt you and you were watching and wanted more loyalty out of him. No wonder he didn’t call her mom while he knew you were there to see.
You shoved your child straight into a fight that wasn’t his in order to score points on something you (say) you aren’t jealous about.
That’s more or less the opposite of what caring for a child’s interests in a divorce context looks like. Dragging them into the conflict, telling them that their behavior with one half of the family is being watched and judged in the context of the conflict, is not good. Pretty much the opposite of what you’d want on every count, honestly.
Think whatever you want of your ex and his wife; be jealous if that’s how you feel (and I’m getting a strong read to that effect), but please try to keep your kid out of the line of fire when dealing with your differences with them.” fuzzyfuzzyfungus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – for not wanting your son to call his step-mom ‘mom’.
That is, solely, reserved for YOU, the ACTUAL mom. Yes, she is a stepmother, but she is not his mother. Now, if you had dumped him on his father and had nothing to do with him and his step-mother raised him, this would be different. However, that is not the case. You guys share custody and get along and are both involved in your child’s life, therefore, she has no right to be titled and called ‘mom’.
I also, depending on your child’s age, see nothing wrong with, gently, talking to him about this. However, I would have worded it much differently. I would have said something like ‘You know how Jane is married to your dad? Well, that makes her a big part of your life, however, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t call her ‘mom’. How about we think up a special nickname that you use just for her just like you use ‘mom’ just for me.
How does that sound?’ (change wording to be age-appropriate of course). Then help him do so. That way you aren’t emotionally manipulating your child and are still acknowledging that his step-mother holds a place in his life.
I would also get your ex and the stepmom on board ‘Hey, Jack, and Jane, guess what! Darling Son has come up with a special nickname for Jane! It’s XXX, isn’t that great! Now he’ll have a way to show you he loves you by using your own special nickname that he thought of himself!’
If ex continues to push calling Stepmom ‘mom’ I’d say: ‘Oh Ex, you’re funny. I’m the mom remember? Darling Son decided to call Jane XXX remember?’ and rinse and repeat until Ex and Stepmom get the idea that the use of ‘Mom’ isn’t appropriate but that you are willing to acknowledge her relationship with your son with a nickname that is all her own.” bookworm1421
So now, son will always be “choosing” what to say and not say in front of his mother, because God only knows what will be the next thing that sets her off.
11. AITJ For Not Telling My In-Laws That I'm Seeing Other Men?
“I began going out with my husband, C, in middle school. We began our relationship solely as best friends but things progressed and we started going out properly about a month before my thirteenth birthday. Both of us struggled with different issues we had, but our relationship was good for the most part.
When we were 17, we found out that I was pregnant. By the time I found out, I was almost 5 months along and it was a massive shock.
C massively struggled to adjust and had a rough time in the lead up to our daughter being born but everything seemed to resolve itself. We got married the summer after we both graduated high school when we were 18, and as we both quickly went into stable full-time jobs, decided to try for another baby.
Our second daughter was born in June of last year, and only two weeks later my husband passed away.
I won’t go into the details as they’re still extremely raw, but it was an irrational decision he made on his part that haunts me every single day. He passed away after two weeks in intensive care.
I was devastated beyond belief, but our relationship had been beginning to struggle. We were 19 with two young infants and we were both struggling with our individual problems at the time.
His parents live about three hours away from us, so we knew it was going to be a bit of a struggle to maintain as close of a relationship.
I didn’t plan on moving on at all, until three months ago when I met my partner. It was a completely unexpected meeting, and we ended up connecting over the fact we were both widowed at a young age.
I didn’t mention it to my in-laws mainly because when they ring they only ask about the kids, and I didn’t think they’d be interested.
About a week ago, C’s mom rang me in hysterics asking if I ever actually loved her son. I was confused, obviously, before she told me C’s sister had told her about my new relationship. I offered her all the information she wanted but she told me I was an awful person and hung up the phone.
I have tried calling and texting all week but to no avail. I have received texts from a few of C’s friends asking how I could possibly be with someone so soon after and basically making me feel guilty. I have been in therapy, I am attempting to deal with my grief in a way that is healthy for my daughters and it still just isn’t enough for them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were married and widowed before many people even start having serious relationships. You didn’t start looking for someone else immediately; you met your partner a year after your husband passed. A year is plenty of time for respect for your husband. You deserve to be happy and move on. Your kids deserve to have another parental figure. I can understand your MiL being upset, but she’s not taking your feelings into account.
And her friends texting you is wildly out of line. This isn’t any of their business. Delete the texts and block their numbers. They’re not your friends; you have no obligation to let them talk to you.
Continue therapy and bring this up with your therapist. You can’t control other people’s behavior, but your therapist can help you with ways to manage how they make you feel.
I’m sorry for your loss, but despite your MiL, it looks like you’re on the right track with therapy, caring for your kids, and finding someone to bond with over your losses. I wish you all the luck.
Edit: not sure if this is the best course of action, but if I were you, I’d send my MiL a message that says something like ‘I’m sorry you feel like I have forgotten C.
I will never forget him, but I need to move on for me and the children. If you can’t accept that, then that’s just how it will be. But I would love the kids to have a good relationship with their grandma. If you want to cut yourself out of their lives because you’re mad at me, that’s your decision. The ball is in your court’.” Anabelle_McAllister
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m sorry for your loss.
Made more difficult with your kids losing their dad too. Awful, awful situation.
I can understand why you’re in-laws would be upset. They’ve lost their son and it’s possible it feels to them like you’re ‘replacing’ him and doing so very quickly in their mind. By the sounds of it, I don’t think telling them would have made any difference as to how upset they would have been.
I also don’t know how you’d raise the subject in a conversation with them. Seems like a terrible conversation to try to have, although I can understand why they’d have preferred to hear it from you than from someone else. Grief and hurt make us snap and say things we don’t mean.
You’re grieving too though. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, no right or wrong time to start seeing other men again.
It’s not like you planned to start going out either, you met the guy in a chance meeting. If the relationship is helping both of you cope with your losses then good for you.
Give it some time and give your in-laws some space. Potentially after some time has passed they’ll be open to talking about this and you can explain how you feel as you have done in your original post.” MuelNado
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are entitled to move on. If your husband passed more than a year ago and this is a new relationship, there’s obviously not any crossover. If you said you met this guy 5 weeks after your husband passed and have hidden all these months, that would be a bit iffy. That’s not the case here. I understand his family is hurting. They hate the idea that he will be replaced in your life, in his daughters’ lives.
He won’t be, but I’m sure that’s their fear. Grief can make people do crazy things. That doesn’t make it ok or something you have to tolerate. Give them space.
When they reach out again (assuming they will due to the kids) you can gently tell whoever that you met someone a year after your husband passed and that this person is important to you and you bonded because you both understand the pain and the hole left by losing a spouse.
I think they want to know you haven’t forgotten him. You can give them that. If they continue abusing you, that’s not ok and not something you need to tolerate. You are welcome to take as much time and space as you need. I would afford them a second chance. Not because your MIL was correct or acceptable, but because you have two little girls in common and it would be ideal if they could have a connection to their father. But again… you are not required to put up with the bad stuff just because of this connection.” judge1492
10. AITJ For Getting Angry That My Wife Got My Sister Fired?
“My wife has a high position at a University. She has her Ph.D. and has little respect for people who don’t have an education.
My sister is the same age as my wife, and she is also very successful. Probably a bit more than my wife. She doesn’t have the education my wife does, but she has managed to be successful; she does lie on her resume saying she has a BA degree.
Recently, my sister was hired as a big wig for a company in NYC. My wife was so angry when she heard about it. She said that my sister was a liar and a fraud and that she should never have been given the job.
Flash forward 2 weeks. My sister calls me to tell me that she was let go because someone called the office to let them know that she did not have a BA degree.
When I brought this up to my wife she admitted that she did in fact call my sister’s job and let them know.
I was stunned by this news. My sister is responsible for taking care of our sick mother, and she is an incredible person. She has worked for over 2 decades in her field and she has been very successful. I’m aware that she should not lie on her resume, but the company hired her after a background check, and at the end of the day, who cares?
I had a huge fight with my wife about butting into my sister’s business.
I pointed out that she herself has lied about her experience at times, and that she should have stayed out of it. Now my sister is unemployed and I have no idea how she is going to pay for our mother’s nursing home fees. I have little money and my wife certainly isn’t going to help. This decision by my wife is causing unbelievable ripples in our family.
My sister helps pay for our niece’s college, she’s paid for our other sister’s medical care after major surgery, and she’s also helped me out by paying for my rehab 3 years ago when my insurance wouldn’t cover the full 30 days. She also donates 10% of her income to St. Jude’s children’s hospital. She’s a good person who wasn’t able to afford college.
My wife is livid with me for being angry with her.
She says that I should support her and understand that this is a major issue for her; people lying about degrees, etc., and that it’s my sister’s fault for lying…and that maybe now she’ll get a job that she’s actually qualified for.
I have not told my sister that my wife got her fired, and my wife has threatened to leave me if I tell her.
AITJ for being angry at my wife for doing this to my sister? AITJ for not telling my sister how this happened?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Sister is a jerk for lying BUT that isn’t your or anyone else’s business. The company did background checks and still hired her, it’s a private contract between that company and your sister that doesn’t involve anyone else. What she did was objectively wrong, but it doesn’t concern anyone but the parties actually involved (unless it’s a professional, licensed degree like medicine or law. You said she was in sales so this doesn’t matter).
Your wife is massively the jerk and you should reconsider your relationship.
Your sister’s actions had no impact on your wife’s life or wellbeing. EXCEPT for making her frustrated due to her own snobbery.
Your wife ruined your sister’s and family’s livelihood.
Ergo your wife’s own personal snobbery is more important than your family’s well-being, in her mind. That is a jerk and a half move.
Something that really stands out to me is how you say ‘I don’t have budget for this and my wife won’t help’.
Massive red flag – you guys don’t share finances? It sounds like your wife manages her own moolah and doesn’t share with the household or family, which kind of defeats the point of marriage. For your wife to refuse to help your sick family after ruining your sister’s income is beyond selfish, it’s actively cruel. If she’s ok with exposing your sister’s misdeed she should be open about her own and take ownership of the impact she had on other people, yet she won’t.
The huge red flag here.” LordTrollsworth
Another User Comments:
“Everyone here is a jerk.
While your sister may be a good person in many aspects of her life, that doesn’t negate the fact that she lies – we can commend her for her positives but she still did something wrong. We don’t just ‘forget and forgive’ the bad things because they do good in other places. It was a jerk move on your sister’s part.
Your wife is a huge jerk because she didn’t have to say or do anything. Eventually, your sister would have been outted and karma would have been doled out. Why your wife is so bitter, controlling, and self-centered is a whole other thing. And to be honest, I’m not seeing any positive traits about her in this story.
Now, you. (sigh). Are you the one that shared your sister’s information with your wife? Knowing how petty and evil she can be? Because if you did, you knew she’d react badly- because it honestly sounds like she reacts similar to this in many (if not all) aspects of her life.
You’ve let a very mean-spirited person into your life and it’s affecting your extended family.
On the fence about telling your sister the truth. A part of me thinks you should. The fallout will suck. And if your wife leaves, to me that’s a side bonus.
There is a lot here that I am sure we are missing…” LeaguePillowFighter
Another User Comments:
“The fact that she’s threatening to leave you shows just how much she doesn’t care about your relationship, and clearly she also doesn’t care about your family.
Your sister sounds like a great person and deserves to know. If your wife is not willing to put her ego aside and understand that there’s more to life, especially in a case like this where your sister actually has relevant experience and isn’t causing any trouble/minding her own business (even though she should probably stop lying on her resume, she should let her experience speak for her.
Also, wtf don’t employers in your country check credentials? I don’t remember a time I applied for a job that didn’t ask to check my educational certificates… anyways), then maybe she should leave.
NTJ.” think_way_too_much
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Understandably your wife was upset to learn that your sister lies about having a BA since she has worked hard for many degrees if she is Ph.D. But she should have minded her own business and that makes her the jerk.
Your sister is obviously the jerk for lying on her resume. Eventually, I realized that her job is in sales and isn’t necessarily a job that needs a degree but you don’t know why she was hired. She could have been chosen from a group of applicants because she was the one with a degree. You really don’t know and she should have been fired for that.
And you are the jerk because you are defending your sister and bashing your wife not taking anything she says into consideration. Don’t tell your sister what your wife did and hope she finds a job by not LYING on her resume.” rusty_432
9. AITJ For Not Telling My Best Friend About My Date?
“My best friend doesn’t trust me with my own relationships. She’s told me word for word ‘I don’t trust you when it comes to men and it stresses me out’. She’s asked me not to tell her details about my relationships because of this. When I have she’s been SUPER judgemental. In general, she is very judgemental. I told her a few months ago that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing as much personal stuff with her because I felt judged.
She said she understood and said she would work to make me feel more comfortable because she recognized she was being too judgemental. Since then not much has happened. Not much to experiment with getting back into sharing more things.
Last week I met a guy online. We went on a date last night and I was SO excited about it. Leading up to the date I wasn’t sure if I should tell her or not.
After being super anxious and stressed about it, and after talking with my therapist about it, I decided that I would tell my friend after the date if it went well.
This was to avoid her possibly being judgemental or having a bad attitude that would make me feel less excited about my date, and I didn’t want to waste the stress on a guy that I didn’t feel was worth it.
The date went SO well and I was so excited to tell my best friend this morning. Immediately she jumped right to ‘you lied to me’. She said that what I did was so wrong and not okay and that she was so offended. I tried explaining to her that I didn’t feel comfortable telling her that I had a date before the fact. I reminded her that she asked me not to share things with her and that we are still working through sharing more stuff again.
She said I made myself the victim and that I was acting like she was the bad guy. Which I was not doing at all. She said it was ‘weird’ that I waited till after the date to tell her. When I don’t think it is weird at all.
Am I being a crazy jerk for thinking she’s overreacting about this? She’s acting like I did something so horrible and I don’t understand.
I get that she’s upset that I didn’t tell her before the date, but I think it’s unfair of her to be blowing this up to be so big.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like she has jealousy issues. Has she maybe got a crush on you? Or could she be jealous that you get attention from men?
I’d suggest being firmer with your boundaries. If she crosses them I would say something like ‘I understand you are upset but this is how I want to share information about this and only this much information.
I’m going to give you some space to calm down.’ Then distance yourself and keep doing that.
It doesn’t sound like a supportive or healthy relationship from the details you’ve given and be aware of the language she’s using, it’s quite typical of manipulation; playing on your feelings of loyalty, guilt, and closeness, minimizing your feelings, and also misrepresenting past agreements. It’s typical of gaslighting.” ursadminor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your friend is absurd. You don’t owe her information about any part of your life that doesn’t bring you joy to share with her. It sounds like she thinks she is your life coach or manager in some way, and you can’t maintain a positive friendship with someone who thinks that they have authority over you in your personal life. I wouldn’t call this a friendship, and I wouldn’t hold onto it.” bright_copperkettles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This girl is gaslighting you. She asked you not to share info with her and you’ve told her that you were scaling back on communicating this stuff with her.
What’s worse though is that she turned an exciting moment for you into an opportunity to try and make you feel bad. Is she like this often? Because you may want to evaluate what kind of friendship you have.” Jenh66
8. AITJ For Not Getting My Sister Dinner?
“My parents went out a couple of weeks ago. I’m the only one that can drive, so they asked me to pick up dinner for myself and my siblings since there’s only like one pizza place that delivers nearby and we had pizza the night before.
So in my family when it’s time for dinner we just yell up the stairs for people to either tell them dinner is ready or ask what they want.
We don’t go up the stairs to check. It’s sort of you snooze you lose situation.
When it was around dinner time, my little brother and sister were with me in the living room so I just asked what they wanted. My older sister, Jackie, wasn’t downstairs so I yelled up the stairs a couple of times asking what she wanted.
There was no answer or sounds coming from her room so I assumed she wasn’t home.
She does go to her friend’s house to have dinner without telling anyone all the time.
So I go out and get food for the rest of us and me and my younger siblings. When I get home we eat, then I take a shower, then we all sit down to watch tv. Maybe an hour later Jackie comes downstairs and I’m a little surprised so I say something like I didn’t know you were home and if she didn’t hear me call her about dinner.
She said she did. She didn’t answer because I didn’t call for her. She says I called for Mark, which is her dead name. I’m usually pretty good at getting her name right. I don’t actually remember what I said this time tbh, but I must have slipped up, so I apologized.
She wanted me to go out and pick her up some food since everyone else got to take it out and since there was nothing to eat in the house.
Although there was food in the house, just nothing that good.
I didn’t end up going to get her anything though because I was already comfortable and in my pajamas and by then it was dark out and I don’t like driving in the dark because I’m still a new driver and the roads aren’t well lit.
Anyway, a little while ago our parents were talking about going out again tomorrow and asked me to pick up dinner and Jackie interrupted to say they better not because I’ll only pick up food for Mark.
It turned into this whole thing and she crying and saying I was being petty and bigoted for not picking her up food because she refused to answer to her dead name when that wasn’t the reason. She ran up to her room and slammed her door shut.
My mom took away my car keys for being insensitive. Then she and my dad started fighting after I explained my side my dad didn’t think it was a big deal, but they both told me to go to my room for now.
Update: my dad gave me back my keys, so I guess I’m not in trouble.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
When someone changes a name, it takes time for the new name to become instinctive, so accidentally calling someone by their old name is going to happen occasionally. The question is whether you would do it maliciously or not – if it is obviously a mistake, then a polite correction is in order, if you are being malicious then I can see a more annoyed response being suitable.
Either way, being passive-aggressive about it is always a bit petty, and completely useless when the person targeted (quite fairly) assumes you are not answering because you are not there or just not interested, and not staying quiet to prove a point.
Had your sister come down when you were still eating something could have perhaps been worked out – sharing the food you have or going out together for more.
Waiting until hours later is too far past the original situation to expect you to immediately jump to attention, so they are the jerk for getting angry over something that was completely the fault of their petty reaction to an honest mistake.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
She’s sensitive and that’s understandable. It was a mistake and you apologized when you found out. That’s good. You and I cannot possibly understand how she felt being called her deadname.
But she didn’t let you know that she was home and wanted something so you didn’t get any. Not feeling safe driving in the dark is a fair excuse. If your parents were home at that point, they should have gotten her something. Or you and/or she could have prepared food at home.
Next time, take more care to check if others are home than just calling up the stairs.
It could have saved you both a bit of trouble. But hindsight is 20/20. Your parents are blowing this up bigger than it needs to be and that can’t be good for you or your sister. Maybe take her out for something, just the two of you, and apologize for the misunderstanding, for not checking if she was home better, and, if you have to, swallow your pride and apologize for not getting more food?” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you’re normally good about calling her by the correct name then a one-off slip-up that was clearly a brain glitch since you weren’t even aware of doing it should have just been corrected so you could apologize and try harder to remember (honestly she’s lucky you didn’t call her by the pet’s name – that’s usually what my brain glitches cause me to do); she knew you would think she wasn’t there when she didn’t answer but chose to stay silent and let you think that. She even could have texted you after a few minutes or come down and said something to your parents so they could text you, but instead, she deliberately pouted silently until she knew it would be really inconvenient for you to go back out and then said something. Basically, you did something accidentally; she reacted in the pettiest way possible on purpose.” the_last_basselope
7. AITJ For Buying A New Engagement Ring?
“When my (30F) now-husband (34M) and I discussed getting married a few years ago, before the engagement, I told him I really only wanted two things.
1) For the proposal to be just us, as in no family no friends, etc. I wanted it to be special for us, and I have really bad anxiety when the attention is solely on me, even if it’s my family I can get panic attacks, and it’s not a good experience.
Plus since I knew he was so nervous, I thought it might help take the pressure off!
and 2) for us to shop for the ring together, so it’s something we pick out together. I told him I didn’t care if he didn’t propose with a ring, he could even propose with a paper ring for all I cared!
Well, when he proposed, he did neither of those things.
He proposed in front of his parents, with whom we have a strained relationship, and made things incredibly stressful and awkward, and he purchased a ring. I don’t look back on my engagement fondly, I had a massive panic attack and it was an experience I wish to forget.
But the ring he chose… oh boy. It is very VERY much not my style (it’s really ugly) and is not suitable for an engagement ring nor is it designed to be worn for decades.
It’s actually a promise ring, and he proudly told me he spent under £50 on the ring. I don’t care about the price, although it was a bit of a shocker because we both have mid-high paying careers. It looks like a child’s ring you would get for a 14 yr old girl. He laughed about how the jewelry store attendant kept trying to show him different rings and asked him multiple times ‘if he was sure that was the ring your fiancee to be would like.’
I spent months trying to find a wedding band that would go with the engagement ring he bought, but because it’s made of different metals than wedding bands nothing looked right.
I even looked into getting a custom ring done, but it would cost over £900 for a custom band that would fit with it!! And not a designed one, just a plain band because of the way the ring is shaped.
Anyways, about six months after the proposal I ended up finding a stunning ring at an estate auction out of the blue and purchased it for a great deal.
This ring is exactly what I wanted and I ended up purchasing the ring for £250 (its verified appraisal value was £1800 for the main gemstone alone) and approached him about wearing the ring as my engagement ring. He was receptive and told me if it made me happy then sure and that ‘I don’t care, if it makes you happy then I am happy.’
But I don’t wear the ring anymore because every time we get in a fight he throws it in my face and is really mean about it, and he complains every time I wear it.
I talked to my sisters about it, and they all think I am NTJ, but I’m not sure. Did I cross a line? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The fact that he told you it’s okay and then brings it up during fights is very troubling though. It tells me that he really does not care, but knows you are insecure about it, and thus uses your own insecurities against you when he’s mad at you, in an attempt to hurt your feelings and unbalance you so you will lose the fight.
It’s a gaslighting tactic, and it means that your fiancee is willing to sacrifice your mental wellbeing as long as it means he can win fights.
That’s rather disrespectful and problematic, and if I were you, I’d hold off on the wedding until this issue with your relationship can be fixed. That is NOT how normal, healthy, couples fight, and doing that is NOT acceptable behavior on his part.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I’d have traded in for a new guy by now, too.
There are many things that you can work out in relationships, but you cannot work those things out if both parties are not receptive.
You communicated to your fiancé-to-be the two things you wanted from a proposal. He ignored both of them. He went on to brag about how little amount he spent on you (in addition to ignoring your two requests, one of which would have cost him nothing at all to adhere to).
When you found a ring you liked and communicated to him you would like to wear it, he proceeded to bring it up and throw it in your face AFTER AGREEING TO IT until he ruined the ring for you.
Like… he very clearly isn’t actually interested in your feelings or opinions or hearing about them at all. I’m not sure anyone can offer you advice to fix that because it doesn’t sound like he cares about being fixed.” maggienetism
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but…
Why did you marry someone who didn’t respect your wishes about the proposal you wanted and caused you harm AND was proud that he barely spent anything on proposing to you and didn’t care that it was a horrible ring?
No offense but that’s a whole lot of red flags. The fact he keeps using his carelessness/neglect to spite you for being happy over a purchase you made instead is also really unhealthy.
You deserved to have the proposal you wanted from the man you loved. You deserved to have a ring you loved. You deserved to have someone CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOU to give you the very small amount of things you asked for. That’s what a partnership/marriage is supposed to be about, and from what you’ve said, this doesn’t seem to be the most caring guy.” The-Moocat
6. AITJ If I Were To Confront An Employee About His Grandma Interrupting Our Zoom Meetings?
“I am a manager at a midsize recruiting firm. We are going to be all online until at least January, like many other companies.
I have an employee who was just hired in June, fresh out of college. He’s a very nice kid, very intuitive at work as well. I assume he’s working from home where he lives with his family.
At least, maybe twice a week, his grandmother comes up to him, gives him a big hug, and starts waving at the camera.
I get these things to happen because of working from home, but this has gotten to become a regular occurrence. I have started to get irritated, I find it EXTREMELY unprofessional and distracting to other employees. It also takes attention away from what we are currently talking about. In no scenario, if we were actually in the office, would an employee’s grandmother be able to come and interrupt meetings to give their grandson a hug.
I told my wife that I wanted to reach out to the employee and remind them that even though it’s an online office, it’s still an office. And that these distractions need to be stopped. My wife called me a huge jerk. Questioning how big of a distraction it really is, and it’s nice that he gets to see his grandmother. She called me a sinister grinch for being genuinely upset about something like this.
Am I a jerk? I fear I may be, but it is a workplace and I feel it needs to be professional.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. If it’s his first job out of college, and it started during a health crisis that completely changed all office environments, he may not be fully familiar with corporate professionalism. You are also the manager, and the burden is on you to uphold office culture.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a casual, friendly reminder, and it might even help the employee get a good sense of what to expect when an eventual return to office plan is put in place.” jellydumpling
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Yes it’s unprofessional, but times are challenging for everyone, and IMO the way you support employees through difficult times can make a huge difference in loyalty and engagement.
In my work, we see interruptions all the time now. Whether it’s kids, pets, or delivery people. I’ve been on a call where our CIO had his kids interrupt his town hall. I’ve had my son walk into a wave during a presentation, and I’ve heard countless dogs barking. We laugh about it, we move on. Our CEO sent an email out in March telling people not to even apologize for this type of thing right now because he understands.
This is life working at home right now.
Yes, it’s unprofessional but it’s already incredibly stressful for people working in this environment. Why would you make a big deal out of something you can’t control, and something as innocent as a hugging grandma?” Jenh66
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. When an employee is working from home, they are still considered to be at work and are supposed to be acting professionally, especially when on a video or phone call.
What this employee is doing/letting his grandmother do is very unprofessional and it is within your role as a manager to inform him of this. That being said, be sure to do this privately and calmly so as not to embarrass him in front of the other employees. This is his first job, so it would probably be best to go a bit easy on him.” Squid0s
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
In case you haven’t noticed, most people aren’t working from home because they want to. Furthermore, how do you know that the FNG hasn’t already asked his grandma not to do this to no avail?
After all, his grandma doesn’t work for your company and has no obligation to worry about your idea of meeting decorum.” User
5. AITJ For Telling My Sister That Anyone Can Get Pregnant?
“I’m a medical resident with no kids, my sister is a mom with no jobs. I don’t judge women who stay home with their kids, but kids simply are not for me and it would drive me crazy to live with them. My sister on the other hand has a son, and to be fair to her, he’s a great kid who’s really smart and bright.
However, he is her WHOLE identity – she’s constantly bragging about her son and her only personality these days is being a boy mom.
I was in town so I joined my sister for dinner at our parents’ house. My aunt was also there (my nephew was crashed upstairs), and my parents were telling her how proud they were of my residency placement (very competitive field, difficult to get into).
My aunt made an offhand comment and asked my sister if she was going back to school. My sister said:
‘No, we all have our talents. OP can study all day, but she could never handle being a mother with fertility issues. She would find it as difficult as I would find a med school.’
I’m paraphrasing, but you get the point. I was annoyed because my sister has this sense of superiority around being a mother while I’m not one.
She basically was saying I would be a bad mother if I was one, and that the 8 years I spent in misery devoid of free time is nothing compared to having unprotected intercourse and facing the consequences.
So I said something jerk-y back. I essentially said, ‘Literally anyone can get knocked up, and being a good mom is literally the bare minimum. It seems like you don’t realize how hard I worked.’
My sister left the table, my aunt left early, and my parents are pretty upset that my sister and I ‘ruined dinner.’ However, I’ve put up with her looking down on me for not being a Stepford wife for years.
AITJ?
Edit: I absolutely did not mean to make a dig at my sister’s fertility issues. I wasn’t thinking in that mindset at all and didn’t realize that it could be taken that way, I really just wanted to tell her that I don’t think our jobs are of equal difficulty.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your sister for making her mom’s life seem more important than your med life.
Everyone does have their talents and she could’ve just ended it there instead of condescendingly saying you’d never be able to handle it. But you could’ve just said, ‘we will never have the same goals and that’s fine but you shouldn’t talk down about my life choices as I won’t about yours.’
No, not everyone can get knocked up, and no, being a good mom is not the ‘bare minimum.’ I do not ever want children personally and wouldn’t want someone who made their life being a mom to feel bad about it.
You both lead very different and difficult lives and you guys might never face the same challenges, you both need to understand that.” triemell000
Another User Comments:
“I was torn between ‘everyone sucks here’ and Y T J, but after reading some comments, I think it’s YTJ.
Your sister seems perfectly content with her life, and like the only thing she wants is to be a wife/mom, so it kind of is her whole personality.
She doesn’t do anything else, it sounds like, so what else is she supposed to talk about? Also, it seems like you’ve never mentioned how it bothers you that now she’s ‘just a Mom’, so she probably didn’t know it was annoying. She also, from your comments, is struggling with getting pregnant again, so you likely really hurt her by saying that ‘anyone can get knocked up’ because she isn’t.
You’d be a jerk for that comment anyway as it’s not true and why things like IVF are a thing. She also prides herself on being a good mom, and you said that that’s the ‘bare minimum’, so you just said that her doing her best and giving her all is the bare minimum, and basically, she’s worthless.
She made a comment about how she couldn’t do what you do, which is school and work, and she doesn’t think you could handle fertility issues or being a mom.
Maybe it was said in poor taste, or not worded right, but it seems accurate? You don’t want to be a mom, and you just straight up wouldn’t deal with fertility issues because you don’t want kids. Instead of talking to her about how that comment made you uncomfortable, or you felt it wasn’t appropriate, you called her useless/told her she was doing the bare minimum and told her that ‘anyone could get knocked up’, further cementing that she’s worthless/useless because she can’t do what ‘anyone’ can do, and likely reinforcing the feelings of her body is broken and useless bc she can’t get pregnant (which a lot of women who have fertility issues deal with).
Edit: I think that the fact you realized how much you could have hurt her with her fertility issues and it hurts you that you hurt her shoes that you really love your sister, and this was just an outburst. Just talk to your sister and explain that you never meant to make her feel like that and that you just got upset. Obviously, you love her a lot.
I hope things get better between you two.” ireallycantrn
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You say that you respect her choice to be a mom and yet you believe these vile things about being a good mom being ‘the bare minimum.’ A lot of people in the world would literally do anything to grow up in the first world with a loving, caring mother. You don’t seem to have an appreciation for how rare it is and how much work it takes.
You also seem to think being a resident makes you brilliant and hard-working? I have seen a lot of my students make it to med school and all of them worked hard, but the work is incomparable to most good mothers I have seen. I am happy you made it to a residency, and you deserve to be celebrated for your achievements, but that doesn’t disqualify your sister’s achievements.
You are NOT special or better.
Also, the other comments have pointed out how insensitive it is to say what you said to someone with fertility issues. This alone makes you the jerk. My advice would be to apologize sincerely and try to celebrate your sister and nephew when they achieve something. Gently offer your opinion about cultivating other interests to your sister so she doesn’t lose herself in being a mom. Be a better person and voice your concerns constructively. Good luck.” amaze_dude
4. AITJ For Telling My Partner I'm Not Okay With Her Paying For Skin Removal Surgery?
“My significant other weighed about 274 pounds at the end of her pregnancy with our daughter, and then lost a bunch of weight almost 120 pounds since she’s been born. She’s worked her butt off and I’m so proud of her, but she’s really insecure about loose skin.
She had a consultation with a surgeon, and to remove the skin is going to be thousands of dollars that she’s going to have to pay out of pocket.
When she told me this, I told her that I’m not okay with this. It’s a huge amount, and even though we both have hefty savings, I don’t think it’s smart to drop that much dough at once.
She got a bit frustrated and said that she feels extremely insecure and this is the only thing that will make her feel better about herself, and if I’m that worried then she can arrange to pay us back in installments.
I told her it’s not a good idea financially and that’s my final say, and if she decides to go through with the surgery then I’m going to be upset. Now she’s angry and has been nonstop crying and I feel pretty bad but I feel like I’m being reasonable. She thinks I’m being a jerk. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I don’t understand why you think it’s your business.
It’s her body, her coin and her mental health. If she lost all that weight and has enough loose skin where it can be surgically removed, she probably feels like a monster whenever she sees it.
Let’s say you were cooking and spilled boiling water all down the front of yourself, so you’re badly scarred pretty much all over. Once you’re healed up, a plastic surgeon says they can undo most of the damage, but it’ll be $8k.
You really want to go ahead with it, because you want a body that you’re comfortable and confident in and you have $20k in the bank. Your girl says that doesn’t work for her and would prefer that you hate your reflection every single day, because it just makes more sense to keep your assets available, you know? Because everyone saves up so that they never, ever spend it.” Blueberry_Lemon_Cake
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I’m gonna say this, coming from a woman who was teeny tiny (110lbs) before pregnancy, and after 9 months was all baby (160-170lbs). The extra skin is definitely an issue mentally. Mentally it wears you down to see it and not love the way you look, you resent the fact that you had a baby and never want to wear anything that could possibly show. It’s not your money that’s paying for it or your insurance that’s being used, you don’t get to be upset because she wants to feel better about herself.
You have commented about having separate finances, this surgery doesn’t impede you at all whatsoever.
If I was you, I’d be worried that she’s gonna learn her self-worth and leave you. Mostly because you are the jerk, you’re controlling, both about the way she looks (by you not agreeing with her getting the surgery) and financially (by you trying to control how she uses her own moolah).” annamaria-1234
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Loose skin is uncomfortable. If she has the moolah there’s no reason she shouldn’t spend it on that. She’s not getting a facelift or implants – she’s removing skin that will cause discomfort and possible embarrassment. She deserves to feel comfortable in her own body, and if ut costs, then it costs. That and the ‘that’s my final say’ thing really… not great sounding. It sounds like you’d made up your mind based purely on money without acknowledging the benefits to her physical and mental health.
Again – it’s not like she’s doing some crazy surgery, and she’s said she feels uncomfortable in her own skin because there’s too much of it.
If we’re being honest she didn’t really need to ask permission, she did it because you’re in a relationship. You took that and put your foot down instead of talking about the financial options with her. She came for a discussion and to get support and you gave her a ruling and told her if she does what she needs to to be happy you’re going to be mad at her. That’s not good. Think about if you were her and you were going through this, worked your ass off to get more fit but your body didn’t cooperate and now you’re stuck with extra skin. We all deserve to be comfortable.” koalamonster515
3. AITJ For Telling My Wife Her Parents Are Not Allowed To Watch Our Son Again?
“My wife and I have a 2-year-old son and have been married for 4 years. Our anniversary was a month ago and we found a nice, secluded cabin on AirBnB and rented it out for a long weekend getaway. My wife asked her parents if they would be willing to watch our son and they agreed as long as we dropped him off at their house.
That worked for us since it was on our way anyway.
I was raised Lutheran and my wife was raised Catholic, but neither of us currently goes to church and has not had our son baptized. My MIL knows this and hates it. She thinks our son needs to be baptized or he will burn in the underworld, she’s that kind of Catholic.
So we go on our trip and when we pick up our son and ask how the weekend went, MIL says everything went fine and that she has saved my son’s soul from the devil.
I ask her what she meant and she says she had our son baptized that morning at her church. I tried my best to keep my cool so I didn’t scream at MIL in front of my son, but I pretty much grabbed my son and left. On the car ride home I was fuming and told my wife as calmly as I could that this would be the last time her parents have our son unsupervised.
She tried to downplay what her mom had done but I told her we need to wait until we get home to talk about it because I’m not fighting in front of my kid.
When we got home and had a chance to talk about it, things got heated. I told my wife I no longer trust her parents with our son and that if they did something like this behind our backs I can’t trust them to respect our wishes as parents in the future.
I said this was a huge breach of trust and I will forever look at her mom differently. She continued to try to defend her mom saying that she was only doing what she thought was best for her grandson. She even downplayed it by saying that it’s just a little water and a few words and we don’t go to church anyway so what does it matter.
I told her that under no circumstances will I allow her parents to watch our son by themselves again. I said that we can still let them see their grandson, but only if we are present. I also said that if she doesn’t see what the big deal is with this situation, maybe we aren’t on the same page as parents and maybe we need to see a counselor.
She started crying and said that this isn’t the kind of decision I get to make on my own and I’m a jerk for trying to tell her what kind of relationship her parents can have with our son.
I told her that I no longer have any trust or respect for her parents and that I don’t know if there’s anything they can do to repair that.
I told her I don’t care if that makes me a jerk, but what her parents did was unforgivable in my eyes and they put themselves in this position to lose privileges with our son. She’s been trying to convince me to change my mind for the last month, but I’m not budging. To me, this is a hill I’m willing to die on.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Report the Priest and/or Parish that performed it without your consent to either the Diocese or the Archdiocese. The Catholic church forbids Baptism without parental permission. The Baptism won’t be officially recognized as a result and if MIL lied and claimed she had your permission it will land her in hot water with the church.
To your wife:
Letting her get away with something because ‘she thought it was best for her grandson’ leads to a slippery slope.
What if your mom decides it is best for your son to live with her during the week and you and your wife only see him on the weekends? Are you going to let her get away with that? IT ISN’T HER KID! She doesn’t get to decide ‘what’s best,’ only his parents do.
Your mom stomped the ‘no Baptism’ boundary. If you let her get away with it she will stomp other boundaries you set up using the argument ‘It’s what I think is best for grandson!’
The next boundary could be ‘don’t give him too much sugar.’ That stomp could cost you a lot.
Young children, when they have cavities, have to be knocked out in order to get them fixed. It’s not cheap, my nephew’s last dental procedure (he has weak tooth enamel) cost my sister $3,000 out of pocket (insurance picked up the rest but it was a fight to get anesthesia covered. Dental insurance didn’t want to cover it, Health insurance thought Dental insurance should cover it because it was a dental procedure).” naranghim
Another User Comments:
“This is a tough one.
On the one hand, your son is 2, so he likely won’t remember or understand what happened. This isn’t like the post yesterday where the MIL told an 8-year-old that she would burn in the underworld if she didn’t accept Jesus and let herself be baptized.
On the other hand, nothing is saying your MIL won’t partake in that kind of behavior when your son is older.
On the other hand, putting a permanent ban on your MIL is kind of extreme. It would be better to put her in a ‘time out’ and allow her to change her behavior. That’s your wife’s mother. You put her in an awkward position by making absolute proclamations like this.
I think NTJ for being upset and NTJ for not trusting your ILs, but I think before you make any ‘never/ever’ proclamations, you need to explain to your MIL that what she did wasn’t okay and that you’re reconsidering how much you trust her with your son.
Definitely also hit up the counseling. Your wife needs to understand that this is 10/10 on the importance scale for you, and that kind of trumps it only being a 3/10 on the importance scale for her. You also need to understand that it’s very harsh to unilaterally ban your partner’s parents from things, and to tell your partner that you have no respect for their parents is almost always going to sting, even if you’re in the right.” BroadElderberry
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Leaning toward YTJ with some of your responses. Your lines read like a controlling jerk and at this point, I’m worried for your wife because you seem unhinged. You come across like one of those people who threaten their significant other whenever they don’t obey you. I think you should be in counseling regardless because you really come across as mentally unwell.
That being said, MIL is clearly the jerk for violating your wishes.
The fact is that if she violates these wishes, what other wishes will she violate? But, she also violated these wishes because she truly believes that her grandchild’s soul is at risk. The thing about true believers is that they honestly believe the things they’re saying. They believe that Jesus died for their sins and they believe that the world flooded and two of every animal were carried onto a boat and they believe that we’re all the products of one family tree.
It’s bonkers what religious people believe but they believe it.
That being said, you’re the jerk too for your reaction. Your behavior is ridiculous. You don’t tell your wife, you ask and discuss and come to an agreement. You are so desperate for control and power that you’re willing to burn down your entire marriage to get it. That’s mental. Do you have any idea how mental it is? You could have said that she only has supervised visits for a year.
You could have said her mother has to go to counseling with you both. You could have started somewhere reasonable but you immediately jumped to the most extreme option and then demanded compliance. It’s mental, man.
Let’s look at your relative reasons for divorce:
If your wife decides to divorce you it’ll be because you became furious over baptism and made decisions without her, attempted to limit contact with her family, refused to compromise, and gave ultimatums.
If you decided to divorce your wife over this it would be because you became furious over baptism and she refused to obey you.
How could you not realize that you’re a jerk here? How could you possibly feel justified in behaving like such a child? Over a baptism? It’s literally a sprinkle of water. I really think that this has nothing to do with the baptism and has everything to do with power and control and wanting complete obedience and being willing to threaten and emotionally abuse your spouse to get it. And your responses in this thread definitely come across that way, man.
Seriously, even if you don’t end up in couple’s counseling, get some personal counseling for your control issues because it is not this normal to become so hostile you’re willing to divorce over something like this.” ta_probably_mostly
2. AITJ For Treating My Grandchildren Differently?
“I have two adult children and three grandchildren who are teenagers/young adults. I did not like the woman my son married and I felt like he tried to pressure me into having a relationship with her that I didn’t want. Then my granddaughter was born and my daughter-in-law had a lot of rules regarding the baby. I feel like if you constantly have to compromise and follow someone else’s rules then the relationship is very fake, so I wasn’t interested in being close to any of them.
My daughter also had a child around the same time but she wasn’t so uptight, so I bonded much more with her child.
My son and daughter-in-law later had a son, and my daughter-in-law frequently complained that my husband and I favored our daughter’s children. I tried to tell her that she is too uptight and I’m not her unpaid nanny who is going to follow all of her rules.
The last straw was when she had a fight with my brother at Thanksgiving. She tried to make me choose between my son and grandkids and my brother, so I pretty much told her she can leave and never invited them to another holiday.
The relationship died out naturally in the next couple of years. I just distanced myself until she sent me a message that I’m an evil witch and they never want to see me again.
Now my grandchildren are 18, 17, and 15. I’ve bought the 17-year-old a car and plan on paying for her college fully. I also paid for her private high school and have taken her on many trips. My 18-year-old granddaughter recently reached out and is very upset that her mother kept her away from the family money. She broke down in tears about not having the advantages her cousin did.
I could very easily buy her a car and pay for a fancy education (son and daughter in law have some savings but she has to go to a state school) but she is at this point a stranger to me and I feel like if I do that I am helping my son financially which isn’t something I want to do. She said we can’t have a relationship when I treat her and her cousin so differently but I haven’t seen her in 13 years so, of course, I’m treating them differently right now.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You very carefully write around what these issues are with your DIL and son, making reference only to the fact you never particularly liked your DIL. You don’t get to choose your children’s partners. You don’t get to dictate how your children raise your grandchildren. It does not sound as if your son or DIL were abusive or bad people, you just wanted to act like you wanted without restriction.
And that’s fine, you did that. But that makes you the jerk. You cut yourself out of your son and grandchildren’s lives when you didn’t accept your role as a grandmother and continue to treat your grandchildren differently because you couldn’t get your way with your son. It’s funny that you say relationships with guidelines aren’t genuine when it seems like any relationship with you has strings attached.” avayacado
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you made no effort to have a relationship with your grandkids because you didn’t like their mother and refused to stick to her rules.
Newsflash she is their mother, not you, she gets to make the rules. I’m concerned about the brother thing as well why would she make you choose between your grandkids and your brother, what did he do that made him demand you choose but yeah whatever her reasons you made the wrong choice. Oh and the way you handled your granddaughter was just spiteful. Sorry kid I don’t like your mum so you can take a hike I don’t want to know you and your siblings.
You have always favored your daughter’s kids and your opinion on your DIL and grandkids from her will never change so why ask. Seems to me like you are looking for validation for being nasty to children because you don’t like their mum.” BuckieBurd
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your daughter was unpleasant and hard to get along with. It’s natural that you felt offended by her.
But, the daughter isn’t the mother and doesn’t deserve to be punished because of the bad blood between you and her parents. Now that she’s an adult and can see whoever she wants, it would behoove you to try and get to know her. It wasn’t her fault that you two were separated for thirteen years.
I am bothered, though, that you say she’s reaching out to you because she desires the financial benefits her cousins have had. Is this something she actually said or is this just what you’re interpreting? Because you should have considerable pause if she blatantly said she wants a cash cow and not that she wants a grandparent.” Tiamat_fire_and_ice
1. AITJ For Asking My Son Not To Look Rich In School?
“I am a mother to a teenage boy. The father is hardly in the picture, he pays child support and that’s about it, he is very absent otherwise.
Another relevant thing, is I’m pretty well off, I work in tech. My son’s father is extremely wealthy and the court order for child support is enough to pay for the best for my son. He goes to a fairly competitive private school, is in a lot of extracurriculars that cost a decent bit, etc…
I found out from school administration just this month that my son had been bullying several students for being less wealthy… for being dropped off at school in a budget sedan, for having name brands clothes that are not as expensive as other name brands… I was appalled by his behavior.
I had a talk with him about how this was wrong, and also about how it’s not something that he should have any personal pride in.
He has no job, no savings, no investments, and no wealth of his own. By totally random chance he happened to be born into good circumstances. And that’s it.
The school admin and I arranged an apology between him and all the kids he was bullying.
I also decided that this year, we’re thrift shopping for clothes. No more brand-name sneakers or clothes.
And rather than driving him to school and activities in the Porche or the Jaguar, I’m driving him everywhere in my ’92 jeep which was one of the first cars that I mostly keep around for nostalgia and off-roading.
It’s really beaten up, I’ve rolled it, taken off the doors, tried to fix the paint with rattle cans at one point lol (young and dumb at that point).
And for any activities he joins, he can borrow club equipment instead of getting his own bought.
He was really upset about it all, especially being driven to school and activities in the Jeep. He said that it was causing problems with his friends, he was looking bad at school, and his friend’s parents didn’t want their kids getting in such an old vehicle with no doors.
He also said that it was embarrassing him for me to pretend he was poor…
His dad, who overall has been very absent, got upset with me because apparently word had gotten around his circles that his son was being driven around town in ‘a junker’ and that I was making him use the club gear for sports instead of his own. And that was not a fair punishment because ‘impressions matter” and it will affect the rest of his life.’
AITJ for having this approach to parenting my son who was bullying kids for being ‘poor’? I don’t buy him new designer things or drive him places in luxury cars anymore, we shop at thrift stores and if I am taking him to school I drive a car from 92.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Let me explain.
I want to preface that I don’t actually think you’re a jerk – I think you’re an amazing mother. I have been bullied my whole life, so I am really touched by the lengths you went to to try and teach your kid how awful his behavior was.
What I do think was a jerk move was how far you went. There are steps that I think would have been more appropriate.
You arranged the apology, you sat down with the son and explained why that wasn’t ok, etc. Great. I think from there you should have kept tabs on the kid from that point, checking in with the teacher, or with the parents of the bullied if you know them.
If the behavior continues, then you pull out the big guns. If you’re worried for the bullied kids and don’t want to risk them being bullied again (which is admirable and understandable) – OR Let’s say during your talk with him he is still acting entitled or not sorry or whatever – you could find alternate methods to try and teach him empathy, like doing extra chores around the house.
Dishes. Yard work. Things that low-wage people sometimes do for a living, just to survive.
Do you know what else low-wage people don’t get? Tablets. Game consoles. Smartphones. Humble dinners. The kid still got a bad attitude after that? No nice clothes for a week. Talk to the kid then. Still, got a bad attitude? Or still, treating the other kids badly? No nice clothes for a month.
You don’t punish a first-time criminal offender with a year-long jail sentence when typically they’d be released after a few days and/or forced to do community service or something less severe instead. I don’t think that punishment this drastic this soon will really teach him anything except bitterness. Would appreciate everyone else’s opinion on the matter.
Ps, if I was another parent, I’d be nervous for my kid to get into a car with no doors too.
Again, you’re a great mom. Reaching out for our opinions just goes to show that you care for your kid’s wellbeing. And reacting the way you did shows that you care for the kids that were bullied. Thank you for that. I wish you well regardless.” marissagnwalker
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Don’t get me wrong, your heart and mind are in exactly the right place. I can tell you’re a good parent.
You have done the right thing here by identifying and addressing the issue and I’m so glad you recognize the issue so clearly kudos to you for taking action!
Here’s where YTJ though: please don’t humiliate your kid. Yes, he humiliated others and that was very wrong. Yes, he should absolutely face consequences for that action. However, humiliating a child is likely to backfire and not teach them the lessons you want.
It might be productive to look into why he is feeling so entitled and brazen in his attempts to lift himself by standing upon others. That’s the real crux of this issue. He needs to learn compassion and empathy. Humiliating him, while it’s easy to do, may not correct these problems and it may damage his self-esteem, which could lead to more problems in this area.
If you want to punish him, humiliate him. If you want to help him develop his attitude into a more empathetic, caring human being who doesn’t view economic wealth as an excuse to punish others to make himself look and feel good, get to the root of the problem and address it there.
Without knowing the details, some alternative suggestions might be: to teach him to handle finances responsibly and reasonably.
I don’t know his age, but is getting a job a possibility? If he is too young, he can earn around the house in other ways.
You could give him budgets—ones you’re willing to spend to pay for necessities and niceties like clothing, equipment, etc. The budget should reasonably cover basic expenses toward that end, but if he wants designer clothing or his own baseball bat or whatever, that responsibility of HIM.
Let him see how these things work behind the scenes because my sense is he doesn’t really understand that.
Volunteer work is great at developing empathy. Helping others is a great way to understand differences with compassion.
You seem like a very level-headed and good mother. If you have continued to read this far into my comment, I very much appreciate your time and consideration of my viewpoint here.” Wolf_Mommy
Another User Comments:
“It’s hard for me to say YTJ because you really aren’t at the heart of it; but, I think you’ve gone too far.
You are subjecting him to the exact same type of ‘bullying’ he inflicted on others. I don’t think that’s going to teach him the lesson you want to be taught. Being that you are well off and have all the symbols of wealth, I’m sure you are aware of how important status symbols and appearances are in the wealthier environments you have placed him in. By taking the trappings of wealth away from him, you are alienating him from his peers.
It could make him bitter.
You need to impart the wisdom that you already have learned for yourself: Having money and nice things doesn’t mean you are better than anyone else, bullying is wrong and he needs to learn to have empathy. I think you accomplish that by modeling that behavior more than any other way. You two should volunteer together. You should make it a point to contribute to causes that support poverty.
Give him some moolah that he can choose to donate to causes he believes in. Have him work for his spending budget. Invite the formerly bullied kids over and have a frank discussion about how he made them feel – get a professional to moderate that discussion. If he’s basically a good kid, those things will have an impact. If he has the ‘rich frat kid’ attitude already, it’s going to be hard to shame him out of it. He knows it’s temporary. I fully agree with making him earn the trappings of wealth but not just taking them away without allowing him to earn it back.” CapnLazerz
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