People Want Us To Speak Up After They Tell Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

"My partner Tom (26m) and I (24f) moved in together about 2 1/2 months back. Chores haven't been an issue, until now. Tom is in pharmaceuticals and recently changed departments which means he now has more early shifts and night shifts. When he gets home he is always pretty tired and goes to sleep or just relaxes.

I told him that I noticed his share of the work piling up a lot more frequently and while I understand that he is exhausted, it is starting to bother me to which he responded he'll figure something out.

Yesterday, I came home and the flat was spotless!

Laundry, dishes, everything! I was super happy and thanked him for cleaning up when he told me that his mum came for a visit and when he told her about his new shifts, she offered to clean up for him and also that she would come over more frequently.

You need to know that his mum does not like me very much because I'm white, come from a Christian household (though we don't practice), and went to university. Yet, she would never say that to my face because she is really concerned about appearances.

Also, she does not respect boundaries. Tom is aware of this which is why he is not pushing me to see her and cultivate a relationship outside of family gatherings and sporadic visits.

I told Tom I appreciated her offer, but I would like him to turn it down because I don't feel comfortable having his mum over so frequently and being alone with her, and even less letting her be in our flat alone because of the boundary thing.

I also told him that I felt a little violated when she did my laundry because my undergarments were in there. I also don't want to feel like we owe her anything if she is doing it for free.

At first, he tried to find a compromise with me:

1. I can watch his mum to make sure she respects our privacy, but that's really weird to just watch her clean and not help.

2. She only comes when I'm not home, but again, privacy and boundaries.

3. She only does specific chores like the dishes, but chores can hardly be timed except for laundry, which I'm not okay with.

4. I 'hide' the things I don't want her to see and take out anything from the laundry I don't want her to touch, but that just seems like extra work for me.

At this point, he called me a jerk because I was not willing to compromise, but I feel like all of these 'compromises' only benefit him, and I'm left with either more work or worries and definitely headaches.

But I do feel a bit like a jerk because she is offering to help for free and it would take a lot of stress off his shoulders, and at the end of the day, as long as it gets done it shouldn't matter who did it, but I can't help being uncomfortable. I wouldn't be if it was a stranger (cleaning service) but that is out of our budget. So would I be the jerk if I keep refusing?"

Another User Comments:

"So it's your house (his and yours). He isn't able to do his chores and wants his mother to come by and do them for him.

His mom doesn't like you and doesn't respect your boundaries but he is upset that you won't compromise in your own house? NTJ.

Tell your partner he needs to find a way to do his own chores. His mom is welcome to visit him once in a while but not every now and then and no, she shouldn't be allowed in the house unsupervised because she doesn't respect boundaries, and supervising a guest's movements is nothing but insulting so obviously you won't be doing that.

Your partner needs to show more respect towards you. This house belongs to both of you and both need to be comfortable with what happens in the house." VeraXavier

Another User Comments:

"Oh God no! NTJ. He did this behind your back, knowing you would never agree to his mother having free rein in your home, in order to set a precedent from which you have to argue a no-win situation to come back from.

The disrespect is unbelievable. Add to that he has told you through his actions that he has no intention of being a functional adult.

What happens to his chores when his mommy dies? After that much lifetime of 'service' he’s not going to reel in his old-age earned attitude and start doing his chores.

Take a hard look at what your life is going to be and decide with your eyes open." Professional_Ruin953