People Want Us To Speak Up After They Tell Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Being Uncomfortable Having My Partner's Mom Over At Our Apartment?
“My partner Tom (26m) and I (24f) moved in together about 2 1/2 months back. Chores haven’t been an issue, until now. Tom is in pharmaceuticals and recently changed departments which means he now has more early shifts and night shifts. When he gets home he is always pretty tired and goes to sleep or just relaxes.
I told him that I noticed his share of the work piling up a lot more frequently and while I understand that he is exhausted, it is starting to bother me to which he responded he’ll figure something out.
Yesterday, I came home and the flat was spotless!
Laundry, dishes, everything! I was super happy and thanked him for cleaning up when he told me that his mum came for a visit and when he told her about his new shifts, she offered to clean up for him and also that she would come over more frequently.
You need to know that his mum does not like me very much because I’m white, come from a Christian household (though we don’t practice), and went to university. Yet, she would never say that to my face because she is really concerned about appearances.
Also, she does not respect boundaries. Tom is aware of this which is why he is not pushing me to see her and cultivate a relationship outside of family gatherings and sporadic visits.
I told Tom I appreciated her offer, but I would like him to turn it down because I don’t feel comfortable having his mum over so frequently and being alone with her, and even less letting her be in our flat alone because of the boundary thing.
I also told him that I felt a little violated when she did my laundry because my undergarments were in there. I also don’t want to feel like we owe her anything if she is doing it for free.
At first, he tried to find a compromise with me:
1. I can watch his mum to make sure she respects our privacy, but that’s really weird to just watch her clean and not help.
2. She only comes when I’m not home, but again, privacy and boundaries.
3. She only does specific chores like the dishes, but chores can hardly be timed except for laundry, which I’m not okay with.
4. I ‘hide’ the things I don’t want her to see and take out anything from the laundry I don’t want her to touch, but that just seems like extra work for me.
At this point, he called me a jerk because I was not willing to compromise, but I feel like all of these ‘compromises’ only benefit him, and I’m left with either more work or worries and definitely headaches.
But I do feel a bit like a jerk because she is offering to help for free and it would take a lot of stress off his shoulders, and at the end of the day, as long as it gets done it shouldn’t matter who did it, but I can’t help being uncomfortable.
I wouldn’t be if it was a stranger (cleaning service) but that is out of our budget. So would I be the jerk if I keep refusing?”
Another User Comments:
“So it’s your house (his and yours). He isn’t able to do his chores and wants his mother to come by and do them for him.
His mom doesn’t like you and doesn’t respect your boundaries but he is upset that you won’t compromise in your own house? NTJ.
Tell your partner he needs to find a way to do his own chores. His mom is welcome to visit him once in a while but not every now and then and no, she shouldn’t be allowed in the house unsupervised because she doesn’t respect boundaries, and supervising a guest’s movements is nothing but insulting so obviously you won’t be doing that.
Your partner needs to show more respect towards you. This house belongs to both of you and both need to be comfortable with what happens in the house.” VeraXavier
Another User Comments:
“Oh God no! NTJ. He did this behind your back, knowing you would never agree to his mother having free rein in your home, in order to set a precedent from which you have to argue a no-win situation to come back from.
The disrespect is unbelievable. Add to that he has told you through his actions that he has no intention of being a functional adult.
What happens to his chores when his mommy dies? After that much lifetime of ‘service’ he’s not going to reel in his old-age earned attitude and start doing his chores.
Take a hard look at what your life is going to be and decide with your eyes open.” Professional_Ruin953
20. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Stop Meddling With My Parenting Style?
“I (31F) am married with two kids, a 2-year-old and a 7-month-old. We moved in with my parents 2 years ago because of how expensive rent is and my high-risk pregnancy required me to stay in bed for the whole 9 months.
We had no other choice. We pay for all the food of 8 people, I help by doing actual work for them that saves them thousands of dollars so we agreed no rent. Unfortunately, it’s their house their rules, we have to ask for permission to go out, giving them details of where and so on.
As much as I hate it I am willing to compromise since they do take care of the baby when I ask.
The issue is that they feel the need to cross boundaries with my children, if I tell my toddler no my father says yes so that she won’t get mad and throw a tantrum.
When I bring it up he gets offended and plays the poor victim. Now my child will scream and cry and throw items when I say no and run to grandpa for saving. My mom on the other hand thinks it’s okay to tell me how to raise my kids and what I should do.
The current situation is bedtime. My husband works from 4 pm-4 am and I work from 6 pm-12 am so putting her to bed at 12:30 am so that she wakes up at 10 am with me works for us. My mom tells me she needs to go to bed earlier because it doesn’t work for them.
Even though they tend to not sleep until about 2 am themselves and most nights make so much noise they wake them up.
I finally told my mom that it was my child, not hers. She told me that it was their house and like always got offended.
I pay for all groceries, do legal work for them, and they babysit once or twice a month at most. I also clean and do most if not all the chores. Lawn work, cooking, cleaning, etc. I don’t ask for free babysitting ever. I have offered to pay per hour $12.
They say no. I can afford rent now, I couldn’t go back in 2021 due to being laid off due to my pregnancy. But we are in the process of buying a house so renting with a year lease is a no. My kids get great care and if anything, they are spoiled. My second child was unplanned. Even with birth control, I became pregnant.
The first child was planned but the global crisis happened a bit after I conceived. No way to have known. We both had a stable job. We never expected to be laid off.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. While you have every right to raise your child, your rules.
You are in someone else’s home and impacting their schedules while living rent-free, not saving THEM thousands, saving yourselves thousands of dollars. I understand why you moved into your parents’ home when you were pregnant. Why are you still there if you don’t like living under their rules or their comments on your child-rearing?” Odd-End-1405
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your parents are control freaks. I’d rather rent a cramped apartment and prolong the time required to save for the downpayment than have to deal with being treated like a bad-behaved teenager. On top of that, they undermine your parenting when they shouldn’t have a say at all.
The kids’ bedtime schedule is a mess. In that regard, your mom is right.” Plenty_Metal_1304
Another User Comments:
“Sadly, this is going to continue as long as you live with them. The problem with living under another person’s roof and paying no rent is that you are beholden to them.
Sadly, it is their home, and though they should respect your right to parent your children how you see fit, that likely is not going to happen and there isn’t much you can do about it since you are dependent on them for a home.
I would say NTJ, but you really should get your own home/apartment if you want this to stop.” Officer340
19. AITJ For Wanting My Brother To Pay Me Back For Keeping A Bigger Part Of Our Father's Estate?
“Four years ago, my father passed away, leaving his assets to me (now 28) and my brother (35) to divide equally. This included a sum of money, a small family business, and two properties.
My brother, seven years my senior and more established with a family, took on the role of managing our father’s estate, as I was still completing my studies. He moved from the US back to Colombia with his family to handle the business and proposed to buy out my share.
However, a few months later, he argued that he shouldn’t pay me for the business due to his sacrifices in relocating and proposed deducting his and his family’s moving expenses, mortgage payments, and lost income from the estate funds.
We eventually agreed he would keep the business, we’d split the cash, and he’d retain the larger property while I took the smaller one.
He was to pay me the value difference within three years. It’s been a year since the agreement and he hasn’t made any payments, citing his own financial burdens like student loans. He wants to pay me the whole amount at the end of 3 years with no interest.
Recently, our mother passed away, leaving her small shop and some savings. He wants to take over her shop, and I’ve asked to be compensated with our mother’s savings as partial payment for what he owes me, along with a structured plan for the remaining amount.
AITJ for asking this? He argues that as an older sibling, he has consistently supported me in the past, and now it’s my turn to help him, given his current financial difficulties due to debt, while I am debt-free.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are absolutely NTJ for asking this.
He did not do good by you or your father so why would he with mom’s estate?! I truly hope you have the bro/sis ‘conditions/agreements’ in writing.
Brother is selfish. He makes ‘changes to your parent(s)’ written death documents to benefit himself.
It’s not your turn to help him… in fact, you already did this for 3 years without your rightful estate compensation.
Secure a lawyer & run this experience by an expert to know where you stand legally. Bro does not need to know about this until you take action (if that sits well with you).
Best to you.
Death and grief are difficult in their own right but now you are managing a conniving sibling; someone you and your parents thought you could trust. Best to you!” DesertSong-LaLa
Another User Comments:
“‘However, a few months later, he argued that he shouldn’t pay me for the business due to his sacrifices in relocating and proposed deducting his and his family’s moving expenses, mortgage payments, and lost income from the estate funds.’ NTJ.
He’s clearly taking advantage of your inexperience. How much are you compensating him? At this rate, it would have been far cheaper to hire a lawyer to handle the inheritance and you don’t have to deal with your brother’s crap.” nova9001
18. AITJ For Wanting To Celebrate My 18th Birthday?
“My mother has 6 siblings and unfortunately one of them (I’ll call him Eddy) passed away in 2020.
Eddy also shares a birthday with me (March 31st). He passed away on December 30th 2020.
Now for the story, ever since I was a child I remember having to share my birthday with Eddy. Eddy’s family never had as much money as mine so my mother would always include him in my birthday parties.
Honestly, I used to get a little upset about it but I never said anything. After he passed away everything changed. My birthday became simply a memory of him.
I am Brazilian and if you know anything about the Latin culture you know how important 15th birthdays are, in 2021 I had a party with about 300 people.
The problem is that my party was ruined by my family crying and saying how he would’ve enjoyed it so much. My mother even made a speech (I wasn’t aware) talking about him. Again, I didn’t say anything even though it had been almost a year since he passed.
Honestly, I got used to this whole situation and I started dreading my birthday. In 2022 my entire family missed out on my birthday dinner to go to the cemetery. Obviously, I got very upset but I remained quiet.
Now here is the issue, in about a week I turn 18 years old which is a major milestone and something I have been super excited about.
But today, all of that excitement turned into sadness. I was discussing with my mother how I wanted to celebrate my birthday. I decided I wanted to go out with my friends for a nice dinner, when I told her that she started crying and asked me if I even have empathy for our family, I asked her what she meant and she said that March 31st was a day to remember Eddy, not go out celebrating.
That was when I lost it. I yelled at her that Eddy was dead and nothing was going to change that and maybe for once she could prioritize her child and for one minute forget about Eddy and celebrate that her only daughter is entering adulthood.
She is giving me the silent treatment now. I don’t think I am in the wrong here, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re a kid who’s had to share a bday forever. And it’s now being turned into a day of mourning instead of celebration.
While what you said was a little harsh, it needed to be said. I could never imagine losing one of my siblings, however, I wouldn’t want my kid’s bday to be overshadowed by their loss. Your mom and family should be able to find a balance of this rather than let their grief take over.
Go out and enjoy your bday with your friends and hopefully your family will fix things. Happy early birthday! 18 is pretty exciting. Make sure you buy a lottery ticket on your birthday for good luck.” Jaded_Impression_318
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Firstly, and I don’t mean to sound heartless given that he is dead but your uncle sounds like he was quite a selfish man when he was alive.
Whilst it may be cute to share a birthday with a family member, he was the adult in this situation. Most adults, especially in employment, don’t generally celebrate birthdays on their actual birthday dates anyway. Your uncle was a grown man who should have shut down the joint birthday party ideas straight from the beginning, allowed you to be celebrated in a child-friendly party, and celebrated his own birthday at a different time with his immediate family and friends.
You were let down by both your mother and your uncle, and your mother is still doing this even though there is now only one of you alive to celebrate your birthdate. The good thing about becoming an adult now is that you are free to celebrate your birthday in any way you wish, with whoever you wish.
Going forward, if I were you I’d stick to celebrating solely with friends (and any future relationship partners if and when they happen). Your mother will soon realize that her own behavior has stopped anyone’s birthdays from being celebrated on that date. If she eventually realizes her wrongdoings and wants to celebrate you going forward, then I’d allow her to do so only with the caveat that Uncle Eddy is not mentioned or memorialized, and if she wishes to celebrate him then she can take an hour out of her day in the morning and visit his grave on her own, and then compose herself for your celebrations from midday onwards.” majesticjewnicorn
17. AITJ For Wearing Earplugs?
“So I guess the stomach flu has been going around and it made its way to our house.
I (F 40) came home from work, feeling off not expecting what was to follow. My husband (M 40) left for work shortly after leaving me with the 2 kids (8 and 5).
What ensued was me violently vomiting into a bucket etc. for hours while trying to get my kids supper and my 8-year-old putting my 5-year-old to bed with minimal supervision as I was in pain and vomiting all night. My husband was aware. He arrived home from work but didn’t bother to check in on me until later when my oldest started vomiting after midnight.
His excuse was he thought I was sleeping. Luckily he took care of the oldest and gave me some Pepto.
The next day, he had a mild case of what I had, a headache and maybe some stomach pain. Well, he spent all day on the couch while I had to handle the kids, still in pain with no energy.
Luckily the kids weren’t too sick (just some bathroom issues) and were good in front of the TV, but I still had to handle everything (bathroom, meals, etc).
So I finally went to sleep the second night and I put in my earplugs and closed the door (my husband was sleeping downstairs).
He barged into my room in the morning, mad at me because our youngest was calling for me and I guess they had more bathroom issues and I hadn’t heard. So he felt the need to yell at me for wearing my earplugs and closing the door when the kids were sick.
AITJ? I was so tired from maybe getting 2 hours of sleep the night before and being up all day with the kids while he slept. Also, on normal nights, even with earplugs in, I am the only one who ever ‘hears’ the kids and gets up with them.
I feel my husband thinks that because my son was calling my name that means I should have to deal with it. The kids only ever call my name because I am the only one that comes. I was so tired and he was also home to help out.
I would never do that if I was the only adult in the house.”
Another User Comments:
“OP – I’m so sorry you have zero support system at home to help you and also care for you when YOU are violently ill, and your children are sick as well.
I’m very sorry that the person you took vows with is barren of compassion, empathy, consideration, respect, or even possibly love. You seem to be a single parent already, after this incident, perhaps a deep think on your relationship and what you want it to be like for the rest of YOUR LIFE and your children.
I sincerely hope the 3 of you feel better, good luck with the rest.” Chance-Cod-2894
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Only because in my house, if one parent is incapable of caring for children when they wake, we tell the other person. He assumed you’d respond since they were calling for you.
He didn’t know you wouldn’t be responding forcing him to respond but also it left the kid crying for help for longer than necessary. If he would have known he was on overnight duty, he probably would have been less irritated. On that note, your husband is also a jerk because he didn’t even attempt to help when you were sick and is now acting like he can’t do anything because he got slightly sick?
That’s not cool. I assume they are his kids, too? My partner would never (even though my kids aren’t his and his aren’t mine) leave me to fully care for any of the kids if there is a way he can help when they are sick.” BaeBeeVee
16. AITJ For Telling My Husband To Stop Spending A Lot On His Late Partner's Sister?
“I (28 F) have been with my husband (34 M) for almost a decade. We have three children (6 F, 3 M, 2 F) together, and we are currently expecting our fourth child. He is an amazing father to our kids and I couldn’t ask for a better husband. He also has a very close friendship with his late partner’s younger sister ‘Clara’ (20 F).
17 years ago, my husband’s partner, who was also his childhood best friend, passed away at only 15 years old, in an accident that my husband survived.
My husband has known Clara since she was a baby and he treats her like his own little sister. Her family had a lot of financial problems, while my husband has a very high-earning career.
He says he felt guilty letting her struggle while he has all this money he doesn’t use. Clara’s home life was very dysfunctional, especially after her mom went to prison, and she views my husband as a kind of father figure. He always attended her dance recitals, school plays, and sports events.
He brings her along to our family vacations. She visits our place at least once a week, often staying overnight, and our guest bedroom has pretty much become her bedroom now.
He’d spent a lot of money on her. Any gift she wanted, he would buy for her no matter how much it cost, like electronics, jewelry, and designer clothes.
He bought her a car for her 16th birthday, even when she hadn’t gotten her license yet. He paid for her to have custom-made dresses for both of her proms. He was extremely supportive of Clara during her pregnancy, paying for her daughter’s (3 F) expenses and helping Clara look after her.
He paid for all her college tuition, school supplies, as well as her living costs.
Recently, Clara got engaged, and my husband told me he wanted to help pay for the wedding and buy her her own house as a wedding present. I said this was getting out of hand.
I understand that he feels guilty over surviving the accident that killed his partner, but we’ve got a lot of expenses coming up with the new baby. He says he sees Clara as part of our family and he can afford to take care of her as well as our kids.
I said that it was sweet how much he cared about her, but he shouldn’t be prioritizing Clara’s needs over his actual family. He says that he’s not taking care of her out of obligation or guilt, but because he’s developed a genuine bond with her, and there’s no reason he shouldn’t use his own wealth to help her out.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“‘He says he felt guilty letting her struggle while he has all this money he doesn’t use.’ After he funds his retirement savings, your retirement savings, your kids’ college funds, your emergency cash fund, pays off the mortgage, pays off any and all car and student loans, and pays off any credit card debt, then I guess he can contribute to Clara.
But this charity needs to be cut off once she is married as she will be partners with her own husband. And he should not be supporting her child for another 20 years; in other words, do not let that get started. NTJ.” YeiCortez01
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’m curious if he is responsible for the accident that killed his partner and if he’s doing this out of guilt or feels he owes the family something.
I think if he can afford to help her, it’s very kind and generous but if he’s putting your family out to help her, he needs to rein it in a bit.
Can he consider gifting specific aspects of the wedding or money towards a down payment on a home? I don’t think he should necessarily pay for all of it just because he can. But he can help her be successful in other ways that aren’t flat-out paying for her entire existence.
Start a college fund for her child. Show her how to make financially sound decisions with her own money. I think he does it out of some sort of sense of obligation, either extreme guilt or something else is up… it’s hard to say.” Super-Staff3820
Another User Comments:
“At some point, parents should stop financing their children unless in dire circumstances. Perhaps there is a compromise that he gifts a certain amount of money towards the wedding (not paying the entire thing) and gifts a percentage for the house (like a down payment/part of the down payment).
Obviously, we don’t know the particulars of your financial goals or situation, but you have 4 children and may want more. Unless he is a multimillionaire that nobody ever has to worry about and all your children have trust funds with millions in them, I definitely think it’s reasonable for him to cut back towards this person.
Also is she capable of standing on her own feet or does she know your husband would bail her out? How does her new fiancée feel about another man who isn’t a father paying for things? Some men would be offended. Not to be rude, but are they leeching off your husband?
There are a lot of nuances to the situation without having all the information, it’s hard to say for certain.
I’m going to say NTJ, but there definitely can be a compromise with helping with a wedding/house. He does not need to pay for everything.” PuzzledUpstairs8189
15. AITJ Writing About A Weather-Related Topic?
“I (17m) have always been fascinated by weather and I want to become a meteorologist someday. I often discuss my interests in weather and nature with my friends at lunch. For some reason, this seems to bother my English teacher because right after Christmas she told me that I’m not allowed to discuss anything weather-related at school anymore.
I was upset about it but whatever.
Anyway, in science class, we have to write a research paper on a topic of our choosing and I decided to do a research paper on the 2021 Mayfield, Kentucky tornado. I asked my science teacher and he approved the topic.
What I didn’t know was that my science teacher asked the English teacher to help proofread everyone’s papers.
So last Monday she called me out in English class and demanded to know why I broke her rules about discussing weather-related topics. She told me she had seen the paper I wrote.
I told her it was an assignment for another teacher in another class and she said she didn’t care and that I had to serve detention for breaking her rules. I asked her why she even cared and she yelled at me not to argue with her.
I told her maybe she needs to mind her own business. I ended up getting detention for the rest of the week and a Saturday detention. The principal told me I had to write an essay about why what I said was wrong and that I had to apologize to the teacher.
I don’t think I did anything wrong. She gave me detention because she didn’t like the subject of a science paper I did for another teacher. To me, that’s literally none of her business and she’s overstepping her bounds. My parents told me I shouldn’t have told her to mind her own business.
I was frustrated. I’ve had issues with her all year. I’ve never had issues like this with any other teacher. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“This is the weirdest power play I ever seen. That teacher cannot tell you what your interests are and what you are and aren’t allowed to talk about in your paper.
About why what you did was wrong, I suggest you add a paragraph of a counterargument as it is traditional in opinion pieces. In it write about human rights and why no teacher can dictate what you can talk about in your own free time or meddle in a subject of a class entirety unrelated to them.
When you said ‘Why don’t you mind your own business’ you didn’t say anything bad, you were just asking her why this is so important to her. Why does she even care about weather as a conversational matter or an academic subject of interest? Your teacher has no business posing limits on your passions.
She’s been way out of line.
Definitely involve your parents. Make them talk to the principal and let the teacher know her place. She is there to teach you English and make sure you are articulate and well-educated. She is not there to enact fascism onto children – simple as that.
If she sees nothing wrong with her behavior she is the one who needs detention. Also, Saturday detention shouldn’t even be a thing. It’s one day a week you get to yourself. If it’s illegal to make someone work for 7 days a week, it should be the same to make you be a student for 7 days a week.” Vasily-_-
14. AITJ For Shutting Down My Friend's Opinion About My Cooking?
“My best friend Layla (29f) and her partner Ryan (40m) were over for dinner this evening. I enjoy cooking and tonight’s dish was a seafood pasta with garlic bread and a veggie side dish. Having Layla and Ryan over for dinner is a semi-frequent occurrence, but they typically don’t contribute anything to our meals.
The reasoning is 1.) they struggle financially and 2.) neither of them is very good at cooking. If they do bring something it’s usually drinks or a store-bought side dish (potato salad, mac salad, chips, etc) but that is rare. This has not ever really bothered me because hanging out is always a good time and I’m understanding of their financial situation and preference for not cooking.
My partner and I live very comfortably and can afford to feed guests for dinner every so often so it really has never been an issue until tonight. I usually like to cut shrimp in half when I’m incorporating it into pasta because I feel like it mixes in better that way.
It’s just a personal preference. I don’t claim to be a master chef. I just like cooking, and that’s the way I’ve always done it. Layla started getting on my case about not serving WHOLE shrimp with the pasta. It started out as lighthearted banter but quickly became extremely annoying.
Some of her comments included:
‘Feeling stingy tonight, huh?’
‘Hope I don’t get hungry again later!’
‘I’ve never seen pasta served with cut-up shrimp before.’
I eventually got fed up and said something along the lines of, ‘Interesting take considering that I KNOW you’ve never cooked shrimp ever in your life, and probably can’t afford to either.
You don’t work, and Ryan doesn’t have a real job… you guys come over here for free food and complain about it? Nah. I’m done.’ It was word vomit…followed by a very awkward silence.
They left shortly after that. I texted Layla an hour later and apologized for what I said.
She apologized as well but honestly, I’m still mad. I’m starting to feel like they’re freeloaders and it just feels icky knowing that they come over here and eat well pretty often and my partner and I NEVER get anything in return.
I know that we’re in different financial situations but there are ways to make an effort without spending a lot of money.
Layla suggested we do dinner again next week, assuming we were all good after we both apologized. I responded and basically said, ‘I’ll pass on that.’ She hit me back with ‘So are we too poor for you now?’ And I just said ‘Yep.’
It’s obviously not entirely that. But the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth and now I don’t even want to talk to her. My partner thinks I’m being harsh but I don’t know… I feel used and I don’t like that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ as she was getting regular free meals, and she was complaining about what she was being offered. Layla has learned the meaning of the phrase ‘don’t bite the hand that feeds you’ as you are no longer feeding her after she was rude about the meal that you provided her.
Unless she makes a sincere apology and tries to make an effort to make the friendship more equal in the effort spent on it don’t let her freeload at your table again.” Sunflower-and-Dream
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your friend was being incredibly rude, but you immediately made it incredibly personal and basically let her know you’ve been looking down on her the whole time.
Then doubled down on the ‘you’re poor’ thing instead of just saying you don’t care for her behavior and don’t want to see her anymore. That’s completely classless. Nobody was making you cook for them and it’s clear you don’t like them much, so I don’t get why you didn’t just shut down the dinner when she was being a brat by saying her comments made you disinterested in entertaining anymore and then just not ever invite them again.” SplendidDogFeet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, except to yourself.
1. The best response would have been ‘Oh we’re too poor for you now?’ ‘No, just too entitled.’
2. They literally bit the hand that fed them. Hang out with other folks for a while and cool down.
3. Question if you’re bothered by them being poor. Do you look down on them? Bias always exists.
4. Does it bother you that they don’t contribute equally to the relationship? Is there something non-financial they could do to show they also care about you?
5. Did you actually want to apologize to her, or did you do it to keep the peace? You sound angry. You’re allowed to be angry. Betraying yourself by giving lying apologies you think other people want to hear will only lead to more anger.” imyourkidnotyourmom
13. AITJ For Being Mad At My Parents For Making A Scene At My Stepdaughter's Wedding?
“I met my husband James 3 years after the death of his first wife, Liz. James and Liz had a daughter together, Eloise (‘El’). I met El about 16 months after James and I started going out and it was rough at first. El did not want her dad to be with someone else.
El was 5 when Liz died and she was terrified of forgetting the few memories she had of her and terrified of someone taking her mom’s place in her and her dad’s life.
James and El went to therapy together and she opened up and he reassured her.
After some time I joined sessions and we talked through a lot from my place in her life, to what I wanted from our relationship and what she was okay with. I told her if I could be her friend it would be the hugest honor and if she could accept me into her family, not as her mom but as a member of her family, it would be another honor.
We ended up there. El and I became close around the time James and I got married. She was very excited to give her dad away and even hugged me after I joined them at the altar. Our relationship became that of a trusted family member that is more like a friend.
A lot of people assumed with time El would start to accept me as a second mom because we were close and I never pushed for this. I would have loved that, I will be honest. I love her completely and because I love her I accept the role of a close friend and family member and not a parent or second mom.
Would I have liked to get there? Yes. But I will never demand it.
El’s wedding was just over a week ago and during a toast she made, she touched on our relationship. She called me one of her greatest friends. She thanked me for being there and for respecting the love she had for her mom and her wish to not have another one.
She called me one of the greatest humans and told me she believed her mom would have loved me.
My parents approached El while everyone was dancing and confronted her over differentiating me from the other parents of the bride/groom. They told her after more than 20 years of being in her life I had more than earned the recognition of being her mom.
They told her she had basically shattered my heart and dreams. I was able to reach them before they said much else and I told them they needed to leave and told them it was disgusting that they were attempting to spoil El’s day. I also knew they were prepared to get loud and tell everyone else in the room what was going on.
They tried to defend themselves afterward and told me it was disgusting that she still wouldn’t acknowledge me as her second mom after all this time and they couldn’t stand by without saying something. I told them it was wrong and they argued back more about it.
I told them I was ashamed and disgusted by them attempting to make a scene at the wedding and they never should have brought any of this up to her regardless of where. They told me they were just looking out for me and I should apologize to them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your relationship with El sounds beautiful and unique to you both! The fact that she gets to have 2 women who love her this way like you and her mum is phenomenal and you should be proud of yourself. Not sure why your parents would be so stuck on the title Mum.
Sure, it would have been nice for you like you stated but it would have been a shared title with her real mum, what you got was all you! You get to have shaped how she sees people, you set the standard on what people she would want in her life by being the greatest people, that’s huge.
You stood up for your El and you should be proud.” ssddalways
Another User Comments:
“GREAT GOOGLY MOO! NTJ. Seriously another one of the cuckoo parents sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong. OP, first off you deserve a freaking trophy for respecting your stepdaughter’s wish to not have a ‘second mother.’ You became one of her best friends instead.
It wouldn’t make a difference if she saw and acknowledged you as her second mother, you two would still be close. You deserve another trophy for sticking up for El at her wedding. I have read so, so, so, so, SOOOO many stories where the step-parent cannot handle being ignored and turned down with them wanting to be a ‘second mom or dad.’ Congrats to El for getting married!” Big_Drama_2624
12. AITJ For Refusing To Apologize To My Siblings For Being Adopted Without Them?
“I (29m) was adopted out of foster care at the age of 4. I was first placed in foster care as an 11-week-old. My birth parents willingly surrendered me to the state, got me back, and then lost me to CPS within a few weeks of being returned to them.
Their extended families were asked if they would like to raise me and everyone on both sides who was contacted, and the list was extensive, said no. So I was placed back into foster care and after two weeks of a temporary placement, I found my parents.
I was 11 months old at the time.
My parents were the best parents anyone could ask for. I have three siblings from my parents. Two were their bio kids and one was also a kid they adopted from foster care. My family is very close today and it includes a very very large extended family where my sister and I adopted from foster care were treated as their own and no different than the blood grandkids.
It was a very happy life.
My birth parents went on to have three additional children who are now 22, 20, and 19. My birth siblings sought me out two years ago on social media and told me they wanted us to be a family. I expressed at the time that I had zero interest in this.
A few months after this I got another DM from them but this time with a Word document attached and it contained this very heartfelt explanation of how they had always been aware I existed and how their childhood had not been the best but they valued each other and how they longed for me to be a part of their lives and how they felt we were robbed of growing up together.
I did not respond to this right away because it did read as something from the heart but I did not agree with them and did not feel robbed. So I didn’t want to be a jerk. I told them I needed some time and when I did respond, I told them I had a very happy life and a wonderful family and I was sorry to not share their sentiments.
They asked if we could meet one time and I agreed and it happened a couple of weeks ago. They were upset that my siblings were nearby for moral support and they were upset that I did not show up ready to hug and embrace them.
They asked me how I could be happy being adopted and raised in another family when I had real, blood siblings, etc. They asked me how I could express joy because of my adoption knowing this. I explained again that my life was happy and I would not trade my family for the world, especially given their parents’ treatment of me.
They told me I should want them and apologize for making it seem like I don’t. I told them I owe them no apology or expression of regret for being adopted while they were kept.
Of course, this was not what they wanted to hear and I left because they clearly wanted to argue after that.
My siblings, parents as well as my wife were a wonderful support to me after this. But some fellow adoptee friends said I was too harsh and a few said most of us (adoptees) would love to have such easy access to our birth families and I was rude to mine and threw them away.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your birth siblings’ expectations of you were not reasonable. Perhaps they had an idealized image of a reunion with their long-lost brother but these situations are so much more complex than that. It’s ok to not share their mindset on the situations you each faced.
There is a lot more to anyone’s life than the group they were born into, and it’s certainly not your fault you feel the way you do. They are effectively strangers to you, and your response seems, to me, completely rational and understandable. It’s strangely blind for them to think it’s somehow ‘wrong’ for you to like your life, to love your family, or to be grateful and happy that you were adopted. The fact that some adoptees wish to find their birth families and struggle to do so is irrelevant.
You are NOT obligated to have a certain type of reaction to your birth family – especially given the pressure they are applying to you – to honor what other adoptees might want. That seems really misguided.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“You have a family.
You are happy. You don’t want another family, but if these random people who contacted you had been a little less demanding that you be HAPPY and wanting to shove it down your throat that they are your FAMILY and, hey, we want an apology for making it seem like you don’t want them… well, maybe you would warm up to them, gradually.
They might have known about you, all along. But as far as you are concerned, these people came out of the woodwork. You don’t ever have to gather them to your bosom, but if you do, it can take some TIME. NTJ.” YouthNAsia63
Bio-family is not as important as all that and you do not have to prioritise people you don't like or who don't treat you well, just because you share some genes.
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Name My Son After My Husband Anymore?
“My husband (38M) and I (37F) have been married for 11 years and have 2 daughters (8 & 4).
I am currently 12 weeks pregnant with our third child. I just had an ultrasound and we were able to determine the gender of the baby, a little boy. We have found out the gender of all of our children this way.
My husband is a ‘third.’ As in, John Smith III.
Before we got married and were having discussions about kids, he did make it very clear that passing down his name was very important to him if we had a son. At the time I thought it was really cute and adorable how much pride he took in it since most guys don’t really care about that sort of sentimental stuff.
But as the years have gone by I’ve definitely cooled on the idea quite a bit and I don’t think I want to have our son be named after my husband that way.
Obviously, with our first 2 kids, we didn’t even have to think about it.
But when we were choosing names for our daughters, my husband was very much in the ‘you can take the lead on naming our daughter because I already have the name picked out if we have a son’ camp. It’s not like he wasn’t involved in naming our daughters, but he definitely deferred to my opinion.
So, when we found out we were having a boy, my husband was very excited. On the car ride home after the ultrasound it was all he could talk about. He was giddy like a teenager talking about how proud he would be of sharing his name with his son.
I don’t know if it was the best time to bring this up, but I kind of had one of those ‘yeah, about that’ moments. I told him how I knew we had talked about this many times before with our other kids and that I technically agreed to it years ago, but I didn’t think I wanted to name our son the same as my husband.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone’s mood change so quickly and visibly as my husband’s did at that moment. It was like all the joy went out of his body all at once. I told him that I just didn’t want our son to be a ‘fourth.’ It seems tacky and has weird aristocratic vibes that just don’t seem right to me.
I told him that I was not totally against the idea, but I didn’t want to just agree to it right now because I wanted time to think about other names too.
He took that as me basically saying that I am going back on our years-long agreement and that there is no way we are naming our son after him.
He said this is pretty much me telling him ‘maybe’ when I really mean ‘no.’
This has taken all of his excitement about the baby away. He’s been withdrawn and quiet with me ever since. When I try to talk to him about it, he tells me he has nothing to say because he’s been very clear about where he stands on this and he feels betrayed by my change of heart.
I asked him if he would want to think of some other names together and he told me to give him a list and he’ll look at it when he can. I know I technically agreed to this years ago, but it just doesn’t feel right to me anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“Let me understand. You made an agreement with your husband. You got to name the girls, he would name a boy. You benefited from this agreement twice. Now, when it’s his turn to benefit, you have some moral objection to naming a kid IV.
You don’t like the weird, aristocratic vibes. (I don’t necessarily disagree with you about that, by the way.) But surely, four years ago (when you had your second child), you felt those same vibes? But you nonetheless took the lead in naming your daughter, without, at that time, saying, ‘I feel weird about the IV thing, so why don’t you take the lead on this, honey?’ I mean, because people just MIGHT think you went along with naming a kid ‘IV’ eight years ago because it gave you the lead in naming your first child who you knew to be a daughter; and again four years ago, in naming your second child who you knew to be a daughter; and have only now developed ‘weird vibes’ when you husband gets to take the lead in naming a child.
YTJ.” Active-Anteater1884
Another User Comments:
“I am sorry to say but YTJ. Your husband made it clear how important this was to him. You made a commitment to him that this was something you were on board with. He married you and had a family with you on the pretense that you respected him and his family’s tradition of naming their first male son ‘John Smith the Fourth’.
You let him believe for the past ELEVEN years, while he graciously let you name your female children, which you gladly let him do, all on the pretense that should you have a male child it would be named after him. As a married individual, nothing short of a baby onesie with said name printed on it accompanied by the biggest apology could even BEGIN to repair this rupture to the marriage.” BelowAverage1986
10. AITJ For Telling My Husband To Set Boundaries With His Friend When He's At Our Home?
“My (24F) husband (28M) has a friend who comes over frequently and will often spend the night because he can’t afford frequent Ubers and my husband does not feel comfortable driving after drinking and I’m currently too pregnant to drive as I have short legs and the wheel sticks into my belly uncomfortably.
This friend honestly never came over much before but my husband got a job working 2 weeks on, and two weeks off at a mining camp so I don’t get much time with him – hence prioritizing time with me, his pregnant wife, over nights out with friends.
I didn’t mind at first when he would come over but it started to get uncomfortable quickly. After his first 3-4 visits if I did not have a meal started/ready by the time he arrived he would walk into my kitchen and start preparing a meal with OUR food.
Of course, he would make enough for all of us but I’ve genuinely never experienced that with a friend before and it weirded me out. My husband doesn’t have a problem with it though so I said nothing to that. This morphed into him bringing stuff to make us which I did appreciate but was still uncomfortable because if I offered to help or cook he would tell me to go relax, as if I were the guest in my own home.
What really irked me was last night he stayed over again, and my husband and I had slept in (although I had gone to the washroom a couple of times because of pregnancy). His friend I guess got bored and walked into our room without even knocking asking if we wanted eggs.
We both turned him down so again he just goes into the kitchen and helps himself to our food. I find it extremely weird and really don’t like that he didn’t knock. I’ve NEVER acted like that at any of my friends’ homes, and have never been treated like that before.
Of course, I would be fine having someone help themselves to any drinks or snacks but going and making a full meal (and just for yourself since neither my husband nor I were hungry at the time) really weirded me out.
I spoke to my husband about all of this and how I don’t appreciate being treated as a guest in my own home – almost as if I’m a bad host, and especially not having my privacy intruded on.
My husband agrees for the most part but also says his friend is just doing this stuff to be nice and he doesn’t want to create conflict. I told him he needed to set some boundaries because I would not be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home.
This upset my husband a bit and he is accusing me of not liking his friend and saying his buddy will think I hate him. AITJ for asking for some boundaries?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s a way to say you’re uncomfortable with the behavior and not the person.
How hard is it to say ‘Do you mind knocking in the future? I’m not comfortable with you walking into my bedroom’. Plus, what’ll happen once you’ve given birth? Your life (plus your partner’s life) is about to undergo a massive change, socializing will become a thing of the past as will sleep.
You’ll want to be nesting, and that won’t include the friend. You need a conversation with him as hubby can’t manage it, one of you needs to be assertive or you’ll end up being trampled all over when the baby arrives.” Prestigious-Apple425
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. The buddy is trying to be helpful, cooking for you both while you’re pregnant, taking care of his own needs when he’s been invited to stay over, etc. He obviously has no idea it bothers you. Talk to your husband about what precise boundaries you want.
Not coming into your bedroom is a good start. Limiting the days he comes (so you get more time alone with your husband) also sounds like a good one. And so on. Then he needs to tell his friend and present it as from BOTH of you, not a request from you alone.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ since ultimately you live there too and your husband should care about your feelings above his friend’s. I think you being upset at what he’s doing is more about a culture of friendship rather than he’s WRONG and your way is RIGHT.
I have some very good friends who come over and make themselves at home and I do the same. But it usually works out to where we are helpful and courteous at each other’s houses, which it sounds like this friend is doing. And as the woman, you are not the automatic host. This is your husband’s friend.
If anyone should be hosting him, it’s your husband. But, more importantly, you two need to talk about what things will look like once the baby comes. You do not need some dude in your space when you’re healing and trying to breastfeed. Though, if he’s preparing and bringing you food, that could be a big help.” friendlily
9. AITJ For Banning My Parents From A Family Event?
“So my (30F) little brother is 23. I have another brother who’s 20 but this is about the 23-year-old who I will call Blake.
A few months ago, Blake eloped with his significant other Shay (19F). Our parents and my three sisters (Mary 22F, Bea 27F, and Sarah 25F) were LIVID.
Like unusually angry. I was a little confused but I spoke to him, and to me, it seemed like he and his SO loved each other very much and just made the rash decision to elope in Vegas. We live about 3 hours from Vegas so it’s a popular day trip destination so they were there for the day and eloped. Like yeah, it was a little silly but I don’t understand why they’re so angry about it.
Blake and Shay didn’t even tell anyone about their marriage until 2 months later.
Blake and Shay are a very wholesome and dare I say, perfect couple. They very obviously love each other, live together, and split the bills, both study very good degrees and have two cats.
I’ve always said you can’t put a timeline on life if they wanna do marriage earlier than usual, who cares?
My parents have made a point to not invite Shay to any family events since. They’ll call up Blake and say ‘Don’t bring your SO’ (they refuse to acknowledge the marriage).
Blake came the first two times they did this but left very early, and he’s always politely declined all invitations since then. I’ve tried to tell my parents that they are pushing Blake away and soon they can expect to never hear from him again but they don’t seem to care.
They take every opportunity to insult Shay even though they used to love her before the elopement.
It’s my son’s birthday soon and I’m planning a big party.
I sent the guest list to a family group chat and my parents saw that Shay was invited. They demanded that she be taken off but I refused. They were acting in a way that made me suspect they were going to make a scene there so I banned them.
I don’t want them to isolate my younger brother and he hasn’t been to any family events since he got married besides the 2 he left early.
They are infuriated. They are threatening to show up anyway and think I have no right to ban them for someone ‘who isn’t part of the family’.
My sisters and youngest brother think I am overreacting and I could have instead warned them to behave and told them they would be removed if they couldn’t do so. They think the ban is nuclear. My parents are demanding an invitation and an apology.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Banning the parents is kind of nuclear, but they’re already trying to ban someone from coming (to a party YOU are throwing nonetheless). So it feels like a very appropriate response, especially given their behavior up to this point. I understand your siblings’ logic of ‘warn them to behave and kick them out if they don’t’, but I also understand why that’s a risk you don’t want to take.
And now that you’ve committed to the ban DO NOT give in. That will only open you up for trouble in the future.
You can always give them a chance next year, but they have to understand you’re serious and won’t be pushed around or guilted into letting them come or they’ll just pull the same crap next year.
This is going to get uglier though as your parents are effectively forcing you to take sides. Do everything you can to set clear boundaries around this, because there’s clearly a rift forming and you do not want to be in the middle. NTJ.” The_T0me
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they are behaving in an unhinged and unreasonable way. That sort of behavior can only be met with a short list of successful strategies and it looks like you chose a good one. STAY STRONG. I hope they don’t crash your party.
If they do, do not hesitate to call the police. Then the cops can explain to them what rights you do and do not have. DO NOT LISTEN to your younger siblings. Even if they agree with you and are ‘on your side,’ they are NOT unbiased in this situation (how could they be?).
Stick to your guns and don’t let anyone violate the sanctity of your own home. You are a good person for sticking up for your brother.” ylwsubmarineresident
8. AITJ For Making A Joke When My Wife Was Giving Birth?
“Just over a week ago, my wife gave birth to our first child. I got called about it during work and rushed to the hospital to be with her during the labor.
It was obviously a very stressful time, as it took more than 15 hours from start to end, but finally, our little one was born and was healthy.
I was in the room for nearly the entire time (other than briefly heading out for food, toilet, etc), holding her hand and being the ‘punching bag’ as she swore during certain times during the worst of it.
As it was getting towards the end, just as the head was coming out (and it all happened very quickly from then), more medical staff came into the room and I am someone who gets nervous around lots of people. I think because of that nervousness, I was talking a bit more, introducing myself to the new people coming in, making jokes (saying I hope it’s not a bad omen that the weather is so bad because a thunderstorm had started outside that we could hear) and then when our baby finally came out fully, at that second, I made the Age Of Empires 2 ‘new villager’ sound (‘Shhhh hoooh’) as a joke, but I think only my wife understood the reference (as the doctor and nurses gave no reaction) and the look she gave me could have sunk a thousand ships, she looked so so angry, before then seeing our little one and finally smiling (but didn’t look at me for about half an hour, and even then she was really annoyed for the rest of the day).
Anyway, I thought it was a joke that went down badly in a moment of high anxiety, but my wife has twice in the past week told me that I ruined a moment that she hoped would be one of the best in her life.
I’ve apologized both times, but she has this look I’ve not seen before, something beyond disappointment. It’s really put a downer on the past nine days of what I thought would be our happiest time together, after what was obviously a very stressful time (for her mostly, of course).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You need to know when to be serious. Don’t be the ‘Homer Simpson’ dad that your wife has to put up with. Shape up and be a solid support system when your wife needs it. Excessive, inappropriate silliness is a sign of immaturity.
You felt anxious so you did something stupid that hurt your wife while trying to soothe yourself. ‘Humor as a coping mechanism’ isn’t an excuse and it’s not cute.
You’re a husband and a father now and you need to learn how to calm yourself down in a stressful situation without making a fool of yourself.
Take charge and handle things. Don’t make yourself the child in the situation while everyone else around you is being an adult. It’s shameful. ” RatchedAngle
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you did ruin the moment. This is one of the most (if not the most) significant moments of both your lives, the birth of your first child.
You made it a joke. A moment that should have been about love, relief, and joy is now forever seared into her mind as your bad joke. Plus, your excuses just make you sound worse. Your wife has spent 15 hours of exhausting, stressful, and agonizing labor for this moment.
You… were there too. If you can’t bring yourself not to make a joke out of it, just keep your mouth shut. If you just accept that you said something stupid at the moment and let your wife vent her justified frustration then in years to come this will be an excellent point of self-depreciation to joke about when you need a ‘what an idiot’ example to empathize with someone.
Learn to have some grace.” Remarkable-Intern-41
7. AITJ For Refusing To Tell My Husband's Cousin The Gender Of My Baby?
“Both I (29F) and my husband’s cousin Lena (27F) are pregnant. I’m due in late May, while she’s due in August. My baby will be my second child (I have a three-year-old son), and hers is her first.
Lena and I aren’t particularly close (and to be honest, I’m not fond of her), but since we’re both pregnant, we’ve been talking more often than usual. It was during those conversations that she expressed wanting a baby girl.
She specifically said she couldn’t see herself raising a boy.
Last month, Lena hosted a gender reveal party and found out she’s having a son.
She was visibly disappointed after finding out the gender of her baby. She threw on a fake smile during the actual reveal but didn’t keep it up for long.
For the rest of the party, Lena remained frustrated and was cold and short with everyone who tried to congratulate her.
I don’t know if Lena told anyone else that she wanted a girl, but her disappointment has gotten pretty obvious. Since her party, she’s been less excited about her pregnancy.
We’ve been speaking less, because she doesn’t even want to talk about her baby anymore. Her sadness has earned her some sympathy and support from my in-laws.
My baby shower will take place this weekend. I’m having a girl, but my husband and I decided to wait until the birth to reveal that.
As such, none of my in-laws have been informed.
A couple of days ago, Lena called to ask about my baby’s gender. She said that if I was expecting a girl, she wouldn’t come to the baby shower. When I asked why, she said she was still ‘mourning her daughter’, and didn’t want to be reminded that she was not having a girl.
She also said that since she’d shared her reveal with the family, it was only fair I told her.
I reminded her we weren’t telling anyone until the birth, but told her she was welcome to avoid the shower if she wasn’t comfortable attending. Lena continued to pressure me to tell her, but I stood my ground.
After some back and forth, she told me I was being inconsiderate, as I knew how devastated she’d been. She said she deserved to know if I was about to ‘rub my happiness in her face.’
That’s when I ran out of patience. I told Lena that if having a boy was that awful to her, she shouldn’t have thrown herself a gender reveal in the first place.
I said that she could stop celebrating her pregnancy if she wanted to, but she can’t dictate what I do about mine.
Lena is furious. She told my in-laws that I was kicking her out of my baby shower. I told everyone the truth, but many are still on her side.
They’re saying that it’s rude of me to dismiss Lena’s pain and that I should be more graceful towards her.
My husband is completely on my side, as is my brother-in-law. As much as I don’t think I was wrong to stand my ground, I do recognize that her feelings towards her baby are none of my business.
I was both frustrated and exhausted at the time, and I know I would have reacted differently otherwise.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lena knew when choosing to try for a baby that there was a 50% chance she’d have a boy. If she was so determined that she didn’t want to be a mother to a boy, she should never have gotten pregnant in the first place.
There are plenty of little girls out there looking for a loving adoptive family. Regardless of her feelings on the matter, she doesn’t get to be a giant cowbag just because pure chance means you are expecting a girl. Personally, I think gender reveals are gross anyway.
Who cares about the gender of your child as long as they’re healthy?! The scan can be wrong anyway!” ProperMagician7405
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not ‘dismissing Lena’s pain.’ You’re just not allowing her to make YOUR shower or pregnancy about her.
You did not kick her out of your shower, she lied because you won’t tell her the baby’s gender. She‘s being ridiculous and selfish. To act as if her having a boy is a huge loss that she needs sympathy for makes me so sad for her poor son.
If she keeps this up he will know he was never wanted by his mother. She has many more issues to deal with than not knowing the gender of your baby. Ignore those who are ‘on her side’, they are just adding to drama you didn’t create.
I would stop communicating with Lena for peace of mind. Focus on your pregnancy and try not to deal with her, if you can.” glimmerseeker
6. AITJ For Making My Daughter Take A Shower At School?
“I (F 45) have a 14-year-old daughter, who I’ll call Mikaela. Mikaela has barely hit puberty and is less developed than the majority of her peers, which I believe is something she is self-conscious about.
Last week, my husband and I received an email from Mikaela’s school saying that because it was approaching the summer, it would now be mandatory for all students to shower after PE.
I understand the logic; Mikaela does PE before lunch and if she doesn’t shower, she’ll be sweaty for the rest of the day, which I don’t believe is hygienic. The school requested that we pack a towel and any shower gel for the next PE lessons to ensure the students were ready.
When I mentioned this to Mikaela, she said she would refuse to shower. Since the showers are communal, she told me she did not want to be exposed in front of everyone else and would just get dressed. I told her she couldn’t do this as the school was enforcing it, plus I felt it was healthy for her to shower.
Again, she asked me to email the school to say she wouldn’t be participating, but I refused to do so.
On Friday, despite many protests, I managed to make Mikaela go to school with her towel/shower stuff packed. I felt like I was doing the right thing.
However, when Mikaela got home, she’d been crying all day saying how when she was preparing to shower, she’d never been so embarrassed because she saw one or two girls laughing at her. I told her how sorry I was, that teenage girls are horrible, and that she’s beautiful, but for hygiene reasons, she still had to shower.
I suggested bringing in a swimming costume to wear to shower in, but she said that would bring even more attention to her. She begged me to email the school to not let her shower, but I said I had no good reason to, and I’m sure all of the other girls feel the same.
She told me she hated me and has barely spoken to me the rest of the weekend. My husband feels I should send an email as it doesn’t hurt and Mikaela is clearly bothered, but I don’t think it’s a big deal, she will eventually get over it, and it’s important for hygiene reasons.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The school is also a jerk – I will never understand how we treat our children with such a lack of basic respect and dignity – imagine if, every week, YOU were forced to shower in a communal shower with no privacy, in front of your colleagues, including godawful Sheila from HR.
Destigmatizing and normalizing appropriate exposure is one thing, and it’s fine to provide communal shower spaces for those who feel comfortable using them, but in my honest opinion, schools should be required to also offer private cubicles to those who feel more comfortable that way.
For whatever reason (imagine being a 14-year-old on your period, or having a stoma, or having scars, or being an abuse victim, or carrying religious shame and trauma, or… or… or…) in this particular situation, though, it is YOUR JOB to listen to your child and do everything in her power to meet her emotional needs, so the way you’re dismissing her absolutely makes you the jerk.” LibelleFairy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – This is a question of body autonomy; something we never really talked about or considered when I was in school. But I see the value of it now. It doesn’t matter if your daughter is over-developed, underdeveloped, in line with her peers, or just shy.
She’s expressed this boundary of it’s my body and I don’t want it on display for all the girls in my class. How about helping her find a middle ground – for now at least until she’s ready – body wipes that come in a pack (like baby wipes but for adults) would clean off the sweat nicely, good quality powder and maybe some light body spray (very light) just to top it off.
She would be just as clean as a shower, at least for the rest of the day from lunch to school end.
This isn’t a ‘rite of passage’. There’s no logical reason for adults to say to kids well you’re all the same age and gender so you shouldn’t mind being exposed in front of each other.
They should mind if that’s how they feel and it should be OK to feel that way. Give her some balance, give her a way to clean up after class that she’s comfortable with.” AliceReadsThis
5. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For Half Of My Ex's Flight Expenses?
“My partner (F 24) and I (M 25) broke up about two weeks ago.
It was more her call than mine, but we both knew things weren’t going well for a while. So, I was sad but not surprised. We ended things amicably and said we’d still be friends, whatever that means.
Anyway, we did the exchange of things in each other’s apartment a couple of days after the breakup and then didn’t talk again until two days ago when she texted me.
We had been planning to go on a trip to the Canary Islands this year. The plane tickets were about $800 a piece and the Airbnb was like $1600, so we decided I’d just pay for the Airbnb and she’d pay for the flights.
The flights were non-refundable and we’re already past the date that I’d get any meaningful refund from the Airbnb, so I decided I’d just get a friend to split the Airbnb and go anyway.
I had been planning on telling my ex that I’d pay her for my ticket so she didn’t lose the money, but she texted me about it first. On Friday, she offered to pay me for the Airbnb minus the cost of my plane ticket, because she was still interested in going with a friend.
I told her that I was actually planning on going with a friend, and I was going to pay her for my ticket and still go.
She said OK, but I actually needed to pay her for my ticket and half of the cost of hers because she can’t use it now.
Basically, she says that she agreed to buy two plane tickets under the understanding that we would both go on the trip. And I agreed to pay for an Airbnb under the same understanding. But since that’s not happening, we should evenly share the lost costs.
Since I’m still using the room and my ticket, the only lost cost is her $800 ticket. And we should each bear $400 from that.
I told her that I didn’t think that was fair at all. First of all, it was her idea to break up.
So the reason we aren’t going is on her. Second, there’s no reason why she can’t use her ticket. She should just get an Airbnb and still go with her friend. I even said I’d sit in her friend’s seat and let her friend in my seat so they could sit together.
Whether or not she uses her ticket is on her, and she bears any cost of that.
She said she didn’t want to go at the same time as me and also the good Airbnbs are taken for that time. Anyway, we went back and forth and she even threatened to cancel the tickets even though she couldn’t get any money back.
So I said, ‘You know what, go ahead and cancel them, get whatever refund you can. I’ll just buy my own ticket and not pay you back anything.’ She said, ‘I’m not gonna talk to you if you’re being a jerk.
Let’s talk about this later when you can be mature.’
That’s where it is right now. My friends are divided. Most say I should at least pay her for my ticket. Which I’m willing to do if she doesn’t cancel it!
But some say I should pay for half of hers as well. I’m sticking firm that I won’t pay for half of her ticket, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – at this point, do not engage her about this trip again. You already said the original agreement was she buys the tix and you do the Airbnb so she can’t come at you for repayment because the original agreement was not breached. Let her keep the ticket and simply buy you & your friend your own.
You may even find a better deal on tickets closer to your trip. I have a friend who retired (executive position at an airport) and he goes on a website that he says gives the best prices and comparisons (airfare watchdog). Go and have fun.” Sea-Tea-4130
Another User Comments:
“You both separately wanted to ‘use’ the trip bringing someone else, and since you control the Airbnb, you beat her to it, meaning she’d have to scramble for new accommodation. She’s right – her options are limited now. Why is it fair that YOU get the Airbnb?
Because you happen to control that part of the trip? Does it really even up if she does as you suggest and finds another place? And if she did find a new Airbnb (presumably less desirable and/or more expensive) would you compensate her for the difference?
After all, you dictated that the ‘fair’ solution was for each of you to do the trip meaning she had to find a new place.
You could play the ‘fair’ game round and round on this one. Bringing up that she broke up with you was irrelevant and signals you’re not really thinking objectively about this.
Her proposal that you share the loss on this sounds objectively fair. She’d have done what you did (ie, use the plane ticket and the Airbnb with another friend) but didn’t have the opportunity. Then you’d be looking for a new Airbnb and probably come to the same conclusion she did – not worth it.
YTJ.” Justsaying0000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The cost of the Airbnb was $1600. The cost of the flights was $800 each, $1600 total. If either you or your ex wants to go on the trip, they should be out $800 for their flight plus $1600 for the accommodations. Your ex wants to just pay you $800 for the accommodations on top of her $800 for her flight, leaving you to eat the entire cost of your flight.
That isn’t fair.
It would be risky, at this point, to allow your ex to stay in the Airbnb booked in your name. If she caused damage, you could be held responsible. Your ex can book her own accommodations at whatever the cost is and use her flight tickets.
It’s not your problem. And if she won’t transfer your ticket to you (for which you should pay her), she can pay the cost of that and you can book your own flights. It should be obvious that you aren’t going to remain ‘friends.'” teresajs
4. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Listen To Her Therapist?
“My sister and her kids have been going to therapy for the past four months. My sister lost her husband 3 years ago and started seeing someone again 2 years ago. Now she’s engaged to a guy (Kev) and he’s living with her and the kids. The kids are 11, 8 and 7.
My sister had this idea that the kids would be crazy about Kev and would be so excited to have another man around and that they’d think of him as another dad figure/second dad/bonus dad or however people prefer to title it. Kev does seem like a pretty decent guy from what I know of him.
But I also know the older two kids remember their dad really well (he was actually the stay-at-home parent in the relationship) and the youngest despite being 4 when his dad died also has some memories of him, so it’s not easy for them to accept Kev being there.
The kids pulled back from my sister after she told them she was seeing someone and they were very closed off with Kev when they met. Despite this, they moved in together and got engaged.
My sister decided they needed therapy together because the kids would try to stay out of the way after Kev moved in.
They weren’t enthusiastic about time with her or with Kev. If they weren’t at a friend’s house or playing outside, they would hold up in their rooms. My sister tried coaxing them out but she knew they were just not interested so she started going to therapy with them to figure stuff out.
It became clear in therapy through the kids opening up (and my sister had to leave the room for this to happen) that they are having a very hard time with their mom being with Kev. All three kids said they’d rather be left behind than brought forward the way their mom is moving forward.
They’re also very fearful that Kev will be as involved as their dad was and they don’t want that. They don’t want him being their parent or taking care of them.
After maybe three months of therapy my sister was told by the therapist that her recommendation would be for her and Kev to live separately and not get married for a few more years and for her to focus on her role as the kids’ mom.
She told her it would be better for the kids. She also told her it would be the easiest way for them and Kev to have a friendly and maybe even close relationship in the future.
My sister really didn’t like hearing this. She vented to me about it twice and then she asked me what she should do and she told me she really wanted to hear my thoughts.
So I told her I thought she should listen to the therapist because I agreed with what she said. She asked me why and I brought up some family friends we’ve had since childhood where the dad remarried after his wife died and the kids from the first marriage felt it was too fast and are very distant from the family today.
I told her I would hate to see that happen with her and the kids. She was upset hearing this from me. Then she got mad and told me I should encourage her to follow her heart on this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Always be honest and direct.
It seems like your sister wanted affirmation from the therapist that the kids needed to accept the situation. When she didn’t get this she thought the therapist’s advice wasn’t worth listening to. I had a stepdad so I understand the kids’ position. They have no interest in being parented by, from their perspective, some random dude who isn’t their dad.
He might be a decent guy, but her kids should come first. No one said they had to break up right? Just not live together yet. I resented my mom for bringing my stepdad into my life. Is that what she’s looking for?” No-Pace-6721
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like sis started therapy as a way of bringing the kids around to what SHE wanted. And, if she wants to follow her heart, why don’t the kids get to follow their hearts as well and have space just with their mom?
Why is her heart more important? Moving on that fast with kids that are that young is probably always going to be very, very emotionally fraught for the kids involved. But, your sister may not be emotionally ready to hear this or act on it, and she is grieving too.
I wouldn’t back down from what you said, but I’d try to resume friendly contact with her. NTJ.” Classroom_Visual
3. AITJ For Not Asking My In-Laws To Invite My Family On Our Vacations?
“My wife and I have been married for about 8 years now. I had a pretty generic middle-class upbringing while her family would be considered ‘old money’.
I have no idea how much wealth they actually have but it’s multi-generational and needless to say they’ll never worry about money.
They never give us cash outright, but for each of our kids’ births they set aside 100k in an interest-bearing account for their college and they have been extremely generous with the vacations they’ve taken us on.
My wife and I both have pretty good jobs and while we have the security of knowing if we ever needed it, they’d help us, we are able to support our not very fancy lifestyle ourselves.
This July we’re going on a trip with our kids and her family, including the nuclear families of her two siblings and then a few family friends of theirs.
MIL and FIL are paying for everything including the flights, the villa we are staying at, and various meals and activities. This will be the 5th vacation like this they’ve taken us on. Not including our honeymoon they paid for. I never imagined being this close to that kind of wealth before but I have to say they’ve been nothing but welcoming and generous to me.
Even offering me high-paying jobs I probably don’t deserve and offering to pay for my grad school if I choose to go.
My sister recently asked me what my summer plans were and if I had any trips. I told her about this one and she got noticeably annoyed/jealous.
She asked me why I’d never asked about inviting her and her family since other friends of the family get invited often to these big trips. Some have had 10-20 non-family members there that they hosted/paid for. To be honest, I never even thought about asking to include my relatives in that, but I feel like that’d come off a little greedy so I just don’t.
I told her that, and she thinks I’m being selfish. I think a lot of it is just jealousy which I can understand because she’s complained about never being to Europe and it’s splurging for her to just go on a regional vacation. I do feel like that is kinda totally unrelated to my situation though.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It would be incredibly inappropriate to ask this. You are married to their daughter, you have married into the family, and your siblings/family are just kind of an extended family by association. It is also not comparable to family friends being invited, as those are obviously close friends of the nuclear family.
If your wife’s family ever offers for your family to go it would be incredibly generous and kind of them, but it definitely should not be expected.” Level-Tangerine-8172
Another User Comments:
“Tell your sister to back off politely. Tell her you will not be pestering your in-laws for ANYTHING.
Extremely wealthy people are generous when they want to be, they also never talk about money or the cost of things. It’s tacky. If you start asking about including your mealy-mouth sister, they will look at you very differently. I can understand the tinge of jealousy, but do not let her put a battery in your back about including her/her family on a trip you are graciously invited to.
You love your wife and her parents love you and show it by being generous. Start yapping about why don’t you include my family AND pay etc… you can expect the trips/generosity to stop and for the dynamic to change. Is it worth it to appease a jealous sister who feels entitled to trips?
No. Better yet do not share the vacation news with your family if they can’t just be happy for you. NTJ.” PresentationKey9253
2. AITJ For Being Mad At My Husband For Agreeing To Get Upgraded To Business Class Without Me?
“I (33F) recently married my husband (30M) and we took a 3-hour flight to Mexico for our honeymoon.
I fly a lot for my job, so I have racked up a lot of miles. My husband isn’t a big fan of flying, though he has gotten better and tends to just hold my hand and close his eyes during take-off and landing (mostly okay when in the air).
When I booked our flights I requested to use my points if an upgrade to business class became available, but made it clear I only wanted this upgrade if two seats became available and then basically forgot about it.
Then comes the day of our flight.
I was so excited about this trip, I checked us in online, and all was going well, and then when we went to board the person scanning our boarding passes stopped us. She said it seemed that my husband was upgraded to business class, but ONLY him, and asked if that was okay.
I immediately said no, we were on our honeymoon and would like to stay together. But then my husband jumped in and said, ‘No it’s fine, I’ll go to business class!’ I looked at him in complete shock and he told me that I fly all the time and had been in business class before, but he hadn’t.
So he deserved a chance to experience it.
I saw we were holding up the line, so I felt like I just needed to agree and get on the plane. To say I was annoyed is an understatement. He was all smiles taking his seat and I went back to my seat where I was sat next to an old woman with a baby on her lap where my husband should be sitting.
Within maybe 5-10 minutes of sitting there, trying to hold back tears because my husband left me alone on our flight during our honeymoon (and used MY points for his upgrade no less), he started to text me saying he felt anxious over flying. I ignored the texts and stopped looking at my phone.
Within maybe an hour after we were in the air, he came to the back of the plane to find me, offered me half of his business class breakfast, and asked me why I was ignoring him – that he was scared and needed me to tell him it’d be okay since I am such an experienced flyer.
I told him maybe he should have thought about that before leaving me alone before our honeymoon even really began. He got angry and told me that this may be the only time he gets to fly business class and he was giving me half his breakfast to make up for it so I could at least be supportive of his genuine fear.
I rolled my eyes, and sarcastically said ‘Thanks’ and he went back up to his seat.
When we landed I tried to just move on and forget about it so that we could just enjoy our honeymoon, but he guilt-tripped me about not comforting him via text before take-off and now I am wondering if I am being unreasonable and should have just let him enjoy his time in business class and ensure him it’d be okay.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband made a really questionable decision and he was essentially having to live with the consequence of the decision. He jumped at the chance to sit – alone – in biz class and I guess it didn’t occur to him how evidently very reliant he is on you during flying.
Regardless of his phobia, he’s a grown man, and it seems like he made it through takeoff just fine if he was asking your help when he’d already been served food. It’s like he was using his need for you as a weapon, to make you feel obligated to forgive him for making a pretty trashy choice given that it was your honeymoon.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“Seems like just dumb relationship drama that happens to everyone. He acts weird around planes and didn’t realize how important sitting together was, while you got all upset about it and told us about your feelings instead of him. You’re NTJ, but this does not mean you should get divorced. Ya’ll should share your feelings, work it out, and set better expectations next time ahead of time.
This is spilled milk.” veryverysmallbrain
1. AITJ For Being Mad After My Mom Tried To Give My Clothes To Her Goddaughter?
“I (20F) always had clothes that were given to me by others, that really saved my mom (40F) when I was younger, and even when older I never minded having another people’s clothes nor giving mine away, but this time it was different…
My mom has a goddaughter (17F) whom I always give my clothes to, and I’m friends with her because we have a lot in common and she had my body type, so my clothes always fit her.
Earlier today my mom saw my old denim vests and asked if I would give them away to her goddaughter.
I said ‘She doesn’t have the drip to wear these’ and I thought she understood because she didn’t ask again. The day passed almost too smoothly.
At dinner time the family of her goddaughter came to dine with us, and everything was fine until my mom called her to go into the room and asked her if she liked my clothes and proceeded to put my favorite denim vest on the girl and said she could keep it.
I snapped, I got up and looked straight at my mom and said ‘I don’t like your attitude.’ She went ‘What?’ and I repeated and said I didn’t give her permission to do so. The girl took off my clothes and gave it to me with an awkward smile.
I entered the room where my mom was and she said I humiliated her in front of everyone, I told her it wasn’t right to just give my things away and she proceeded to tell me she expected me to use those denim vests every day from now on as a punishment.
Then she got out of the room and everyone acted as if nothing happened.
They left our home, and my mom didn’t talk to me until my dad brought everything up and gave a speech about respect and how he was sad about how I handled the situation.
He was already late for work and said he expected us both to apologize to each other.
I told my mother how much these clothes meant to me, how they were my style, my mark, back in the day. She doesn’t get it, she argued that I don’t use them anymore and that they don’t fit me (a common topic nowadays, about my weight, I don’t have to tell the whole thing, you get it).
I just started crying and she left the room saying ‘I’m done, this is not the first time you’ve embarrassed me in front of others’ (another whole different story that I already apologized for) and ‘I left it alone, and I will from now on, I don’t care anymore, I treated you right, I cared about you, and that’s what I receive’.
My brother tried to stay with me and understand me, but my dad didn’t let him, so I had no option but to talk about it with my partner. And my mom’s there, in the kitchen, talking with my brother, as if I don’t exist.
My partner says that I should get another job and be gone from home more often or just move in with him. He knows a lot of what I’ve been going through, he’s my light actually.
I can’t face her, I can’t afford the courage to apologize now.
I don’t know what to think or do anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“Your mother sucks for giving your clothes away like that. However, you need to communicate better. Be clearer, not just so your mom understands you but also so people around you understand the situation better.
You never said you wanted to keep the vest and then you make a comment that makes no sense in this context and makes people think you are disrespecting your mom when really she is disrespecting you. ‘No, Mom. I would like to keep that.’ Clear boundary set.
‘Mom, I told you this morning that I would like to keep that.’ Everyone understands that it’s your mother who is disrespecting you. Everyone sucks here.” usernameandsomeno
Another User Comments:
“YTJ with a side of ‘everyone sucks here’. Your mom asked for permission to give away your clothes, you said something she didn’t understand and she assumed it meant yes (she should have clarified and not assumed, hence the side of esh).
When she went to give away the clothes she thought she had permission to give away, you said something completely unrelated and meant to humiliate. Why would you bring up her attitude? Instead of just saying, ‘No, Mom. You can’t give away my clothes. Sorry Goddaughter’.
It would have been quick and simple, with no drama (and if you had said that and your mom still said you humiliated her, that would be different and she would be the jerk).
Clearly, this is a recurring issue, even you admit it. Maybe use clear communication in the first place, since your mom is trying to respect your boundaries and when she makes a mistake, resolve in a way that isn’t unnecessarily passive-aggressive.” fndnvolusrgofksb
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