People Squabble About Their Intriguing "Am I The Jerk" Stories

Not everyone is as patient as we would think. When the people around them are annoying, a "very patient person" may simply brush them aside and get on with their lives, but this is not the case for those who don't let others hurt their egos. When people decide to get even, they run the risk of coming across as jerks.This may be the case for these people who want us to confirm if they are the villains in these stories. Continue reading and tell us who you believe to be the true jerk. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

20. AITJ For Saying An Old Woman Is Rude?


“I (39F) was at Walmart with my youngest child today (3m), picking up some cold medicine for him, along with other household items and food. This includes bananas. We’re waiting to check out, he starts getting fussy, so I give him a banana.

Mind you, I have all the intentions of paying for the banana he just ate. I go to throw the last bit of banana that he didn’t finish into the trash can at the empty register next to me, and this older woman behind me says very loudly to the woman with her, ‘Don’t you just hate it when people just take things and eat them without paying?’ I know this was directed at me.

I turned to her and said, ‘Oh, you mean that banana from this bunch that I’m buying? As you can hear, my kid is fussing cause he’s not feeling well, and I gave it to him to calm him down. It’s not like I let him eat a bag of chips and threw away the bag with no intention of paying for them.

That was very rude of you to say’. She starts stuttering out an apology and gave her a dirty look cause I didn’t want to hear it. After I left, I felt a bit bad for being snappy, but my husband said he would have said worse.

So, am I the jerk for calling her rude and not letting her comment get to me?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, she was being rude. You paid for that banana (and everyone trying to say that the slight size/weight difference between individual bananas actually matters is ridiculous).

If your kid fusses, people complain. If you give your kid food to keep them happy, people complain. That lady needed to mind her own business.

And holy crap… bananas are cheap. So cheap. It’s not like you were feeding your kid caviar and saffron.” Stan_of_Cleeves

Another User Comments:

“Hmmmm it’s poor form to eat anything before paying for it.

Regardless, if you intended on paying for it. It’s at the very least pretty rude and obnoxious to other shoppers and the business. Especially since the bananas were probably priced by weight making it potentially difficult to price in a missing banana.

Just not something you should do just out of basic manners.

She shoulda minded her business but you might be the jerk for the way you snapped at a situation that you are partly at fault for.” Independent_Ice7303

Another User Comments:


You let the cashier know, and they handled it in the most commonsensical way available to them—weighed a banana of similar weight and charged you for it.

And you kept your distressed kiddo calm and peaceful. If you hadn’t offered the banana, the child would have been on his way to a meltdown, perhaps? And you’d have got all the dirty looks from the same unkind elder. Mothers can’t win, I swear.” Amiedeslivres

4 points (4 votes)

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Ninastid 3 months ago
Ntj she was rude for making assumptions
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19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Leave The Store With My Dog?


“I have an invisible disability and a service dog. She’s a cardiac-alert dog. I bring her everywhere, and it has been such a big quality of life difference for me.

Yesterday I was in Bulk Foods buying some supplies and brought my dog with me.

While I was buying candy, a girl nearby started crying. The mother walked over and started demanding that I leave the store immediately.

I tried telling her that my dog was working and was not a pet. She wasn’t having it and didn’t believe me because I was too young to have a medical condition.

She said that regardless of whether or not my dog was an authentic working dog, her child had autism and was terrified, so I had to leave immediately and wait until they were done shopping until I could come back inside.

I refused and continued shopping. I simply went to another area of the store to get the rest of the stuff on my shopping list. The woman had to bring her child and leave the store because she was too scared.

The entire time, she kept saying I should be ashamed of myself for scaring a child and refusing to leave.”

Another User Comments:


And let me be abundantly clear: as an autistic and multiply disabled adult, the only person who should have been ashamed in this situation was that mother, who like SO BLOODY MANY ‘autism moms’, was so busy being self-involved that she wasn’t actually thinking about what was best for her daughter.

The moment her daughter got upset at seeing your dog, the solution was not to insist that YOU leave, but for them to leave. Not only because of the dog, but because at that point her daughter was overstimulated from fear, and needed to be away from that entire situation.

Staying in a noisy, busy store was the worst possible thing for that child. Even if you and your dog had left, it wouldn’t have helped significantly.

So to reassure you: you did absolutely nothing wrong. Not only were you in the right from an ethical, moral, and legal perspective, you weren’t harming her autistic daughter.

If her daughter was melting down, then that mother was the one who was being incredibly self-serving, trying to force the environment to adapt to her, instead of TAKING HER CHILD OUT OF THE PROBLEMATIC ENVIRONMENT.

You did nothing wrong. You are NTJ.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Another User Comments:

“You are the jerk, but in this case, there is a jerk – you – and perhaps Ma is as well, but we lack Ma’s side

First, the Autistic Girl’s mother should have not asked you to do anything.

She should have removed the terrified daughter… which leads me to believe there was a reason she went to you for aid. Perhaps a prescription or something that made her feel compelled to stay there. See in Fight or Flight it would have made more sense and been easier to fly.

So her side is probably something you didn’t fully get.

You are a jerk because you were asked for assistance and didn’t assist. You felt justified in having a dog for your disability… but didn’t realize your dog was affecting another disabled person.

You only valued your own feeling of being justified to have a dog and get some much-needed candy.

We only have your side and your hidden disability that requires a service dog to do whaaaaaaaaht? See root cause on your side of the story lacks the common sense question of what is a dog gonna do to help communicate your heart problems.

If there is some attached reading material or some quick reaction checklist thing attached to your dog? Does your dog have like an automated external defibrillator side pouch? I am actually interested here.

Not saying he isn’t needed, but just wondering what he would do to aid.” Cannotakema

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, even with the child having autism, she needs to accept and realize the world does not cater solely to her child.

She has no authority to demand how other people live their life to accommodate her kid when she could have gone to other areas of the store and avoided your service animal or left. People are terrified of dogs, some people are terrified of countless things, and even some people, for example, those with dwarfism (unfortunately), it’s not other people’s job to make their lives easier.” Cookies_2

4 points (4 votes)

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mima 3 months ago
Ntj and not your problem she doesn't like dogs.
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18. AITJ For Not Giving My Mother-In-Law The Recipe Book?


“There’s a cookbook that has been in my family for a few generations now and was started by my grandma’s grandma. The book is extremely fragile now and held up but it’s also something I made a digital copy of (with backups) because it really is more of an heirloom to look at and not use.

I have the cookbook now and have cooked many recipes for many people. There’s one particular cake in it that has been a hit with my in-laws. MIL asked me recently for the cookbook so she could try out the recipe and make it for the family and some of her friends.

I told her I could not give her the book but would be happy to share the recipe.

She flipped out and accused me of not trusting her and would not listen to the reason for not handing her the book. She told me I was hogging food and that is never a good move, especially with in-laws.

My husband had my back and told his mom she was being ridiculous. But she said I was a jerk and is very unfair.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s an heirloom. It’s fragile so you’ve made digital copies. The fact that she’s having a tantrum over not getting the book, don’t let her borrow it.

I don’t trust her to give it back now. Because if she just wants to make the cake then giving her a copy of the recipe is fine. It would be fine even if the book was brand new. Giving a copy of the recipe is actually better because she can keep it and store it with her other recipes.

There are zero reasons for her to take the whole book just to make the cake and her reaction is suspicious. Getting the recipe but not the whole book does not prevent her from making the cake, but it prevents her from keeping the book.

I feel like that’s the core of her issue.” CemeteryDweller7719

Another User Comments:


Your MIL is being ridiculous, and I’m glad your husband has your back here.

She wanted the book for the specific recipe – you offered just the recipe, and that’s okay.

Even if the book wasn’t fragile I wouldn’t be lending out a sentimental heirloom. It isn’t a sentimental heirloom to her, it isn’t a book passed down through generations of her family – so the notion that it’s unfair not to let her borrow the cookbook is just bizarre.

It’s not even about trust.

It’s about the fact that it’s yours and you don’t want to lend out the book. She could be someone who takes great care of borrowed items, and it would STILL be okay to not want the book to leave your home.

People don’t get to demand your possessions – sentimental heirlooms or otherwise – as proof of trust or a relationship.

If she wants to see the cookbook because she wants to peek at the other recipes (and you don’t have them digitized) then she needs to ask for that and can pick out the ones she’d like a copy of to try herself.

Not blow up at you for not handing over a cookbook when it appeared that she just wanted one recipe.

Compromise isn’t always appropriate, especially with an unreasonable demand.” Kettlewise

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The book is a Family Heirloom, and as you made a DIGITAL COPY, there is no need for her to have the actual physical book…

unless she’s been bragging about it as how to own a family’s recipe. People, especially older people of a certain age (about 65 or over) get very odd about claiming family recipes, don’t ask me why.

So be SUPER passive-aggressive about it.

Next time the whole family is together, make a great song and dance about handing over a printed-out, bound copy of The Book. Tell her in front of anyone that you’re happy to share your family recipes that have been made with love for generations by your family…

That you wouldn’t dare want to stop her from spreading your great great Memaw’s culinary musings from way back when, which have been perfected through the generations of your family, with a voice that is dripping with nothing but love and respect.

Husband? Happy, you went out of your way to keep the peace. MIL? If the recipes were really all she was after, she’ll gloat, but you’ll have taken away her ammunition. However, if she still insists on the actual book, tell her it’s been given to another family member for safekeeping – but then ask ‘Why do you need the actual book in the first place if you’ve already got all the pages?’ I’d like to see her explain why…” RolloTheMagnificent

3 points (3 votes)

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mima 3 months ago
Ntj but she is.
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17. AITJ For Telling On My Roommate To Our Landlord?


“Back in June, I (19F) applied for an apartment at a college student-targeted apartment complex right next to my university. You are matched with roommates based on your answers to a questionnaire and then placed into an apartment unit. There were many pros, but the relevant ones are that the units are NOT co-ed, but they do allow for overnight stay of a tenant’s guest for 1-2 nights (i.e.

a weekend visit). I moved in the first week of August, about two weeks after my app was approved, and met my two roommates. I’ll call them Jess (22F) and Tay (20F). They were both very nice and welcoming and even offered to help me with my move-in process.

Later that day, I also met Jess’s husband, Dave (23M). I was surprised she was married (they were apparently wed sometime in the year prior) but I didn’t have any issue until I realized that Dave lives with Jess.

I asked Tay and she confirmed it, saying it was like that the previous year when she moved in.

I asked her if the apartment office or our landlord knew. Tay said going by the rules in the lease, she’d assume no, and that she hasn’t said anything because she’s afraid of confrontation. I am too, but I am also incredibly uncomfortable living with a male stranger when I signed up for a non-coed living.

I asked Jess about it to confirm Dave indeed lives with her and that the landlord doesn’t know, and she laughed and said yeah, she didn’t plan on living out until she finished her degree so she just moved her husband in and doesn’t tell the office.

I asked her why not get one or two bedrooms that they can share, and she said she’d already renewed her lease, so it would just be cheaper and more convenient to stay.

The last straw, though, was when I caught Dave looking at my chest and not even trying to hide it.

I felt sick and objectified and it practically ruined my Valentine’s Day. I went straight to the office and told them everything. When I got back to my apartment later that evening, Jess was on the couch crying and ranting. She screamed at me when she saw me and said she was getting evicted and it was my fault and that I’m ‘kicking a poor pregnant college student out on the street’.

I didn’t even know she was pregnant!

She screamed some more and accused me of trying to ruin her life because now she’ll have to withdraw from college since her only place to go now is her parents’ house, and they live in a city three hours away.

They were ultimately given 30 days to move out, but I heard from one of the girls in the office that they turned the key in after about two weeks. I haven’t seen or heard from Jess or Dave since.

This entire thing came up a couple of days ago when I was hanging out with some family members who live in my college town and were asking about how I liked my apartment/roommates/etc.

They seemed pretty split on the issue, and I’ve not really wondered if I did anything wrong until now. They have me questioning if I was a jerk. Was I?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I doubt your rent was adjusted to account for the extra person living there.

Even if it was, it isn’t the living space you wanted. Kind of a classic bait-and-switch. And she had 30 days to find a new place, she chose to throw a hissy fit instead of being an adult and finding a new place.

Sorry but if you’re old enough to have a husband and a soon-to-be kid you’re old enough to find a place to live without screwing over your roommates.” Reasonable-Ad-3605

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She kept making poor decisions after poor decisions. Who gets married in college if you cannot afford to live together? As in upfront.

Then get pregnant. Hello, a BABY comes at the end of it. How do you study/take exams etc? Yes, it is very possible to do all of that. And I admire everyone who can handle all of it. But there is a PLAN besides moving 3 hrs away to live with parents.

How can two adults not afford housing? It is not on a roommate to help. None of this should have come as a surprise to her.” BarTony670

Another User Comments:


There is NO way I’d be staying in an apartment with a man living there that I did not have prior agreement/knowledge of.

Especially with the CREEP factor. And if your lease was for a year, you would have ended up living with not two female roommates but a married couple and their baby and another female. So instead of 3 in the apartment, there would have been FIVE.

Plus a dog that wasn’t in the lease agreement(did you know about the dog ahead of time?)

This would have been a miserable experience. People can talk all they want about you being a jerk or not, but you would have been a jerk to yourself to let a situation like that continue.” Blacksmithforge3241

3 points (3 votes)

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Ninastid 3 months ago
Ntj ntj ntj she's a jerk for getting married and moving her husband in without telling her roommates and he's not allowed to live there anyway so she's definitely a major jerk
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16. AITJ For Not Telling My Family About My Illness?


“I (23f) found out that I’m terminally ill and likely only have a year left even with treatment.

I recently just finished my internship and was offered a job which I quit only being at it for 3 months after finding out and moved by in with my parents.

My parents don’t understand why and have questioned me quite a bit about it and my responses have been I don’t really feel like talking about it and they have respected that.

I have been moved in with my parents for about 2 weeks and had gotten a phone call from my doctor which my younger teenager (17) sister has overheard because I didn’t know she was home and had the phone on speaker phone.

She started aggressively questioning me about it and accused me of being selfish for not saying anything and asked me what I expected to happen when I started showing obvious signs and got to the point where I couldn’t care for myself.

She demanded that I told my parents as soon as they got home as well as my other sibling, grandparents, and even friends.

I begged her not to say anything and she agreed not to but expressed how she doesn’t think it’s the right thing to do though.

Now I feel really bad because I really don’t want to tell anyone I just want my last moments to be filled with happiness and I feel like once everyone finds their gonna be sad and I’ll have to cheer everyone up while coping with my illness as everyone always goes to me when they’re experiencing hardship even my parents.

So would I be wrong if I choose not to anyone? And am I the jerk for keeping quiet about my illness?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

I don’t think anyone who doesn’t have a diagnosis of a terminal illness is in a place to pass judgment on how that information should be shared with friends, family, or loved ones.

It’s way too personal and particular to your individual situation.

I would encourage you to do things to make the last year of your life the best it can be. Starting therapy as soon as possible is a good idea. And, quite honestly, telling your parents seems like a pretty good idea.

They’re going to start getting ideas sooner or later, so I think it’s probably better to share that information than keep it to yourself. I don’t mean to put pressure on you, but based on having a few friends and family members who have passed at a young age from a terminal illness (cancer), the overwhelming theme I’ve experienced is that it’s better to go through this with people supporting you than on your own.

I’m not a therapist. I don’t know you. I’m so sorry this happened. My advice, if it’s worth anything, is that you still have a valuable life to live. It’s not your burden to care for others who are getting this news.

You have to trust the people who love you to do the right thing and be there for you.” Kooky_Finding8516

Another User Comments:

“This is an awful situation, I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP.

If you were living on your own elsewhere and chose not to tell them, then that would 100% be your right to make that choice.

However, you chose to give up your independence and move back in with your parents and so you now have limited that freedom. You are living in their house, they clearly love and care about you and, as you are living there, it is their right to know about your deteriorating health.

You cannot move in and just expect to die there without warning and preparing them first. Whilst the situation is tragic, that choice would be the ultimate selfish act and would likely leave them with a lot of anger, hurt, blame, and resentment once you pass.

Dealing with a terminal illness is tough and you are likely going through your own grief at the moment. However, it does not give you the right to make selfish decisions that ultimately negatively impact those around you.

Your sister is right, sit them down and tell your family.

Then plan some fun stuff together so that you can all make memories that they can reflect on with tears of joy rather than anger and frustration. YTJ if you don’t do this now.” PrudentDeparture4516

Another User Comments:


However much I get that OP wants to live the rest of his life without having to deal with other people’s sadness, and it IS OP’s right to do whatever they are most comfortable with, it seems like a bad idea not to tell.

At some point, they will figure it out, or the sister will cave and tell someone (because that is a great burden, to carry such a big secret).

Wouldn’t it be better to tell everyone, let them get their feelings about it out in the open, then set a boundary around what can and can’t be discussed for OP?

OP, at some point you will not just need help, you will want it, and if nobody knows, that will make things very complicated.

As a person with a chronic illness that will kill me sooner than normal, I can say it is better that people know because when I need rest or help, they understand why.

That said, I totally understand not wanting to talk about it, and not make the rest of your days about this illness.

But, it is. It will be, no matter what you do, because, at some point, you won’t be able to avoid it.

I’m so sorry to hear about your troubles, and I hope you get to do all the things you want to do.

Hopefully with loving family by your side.” Pitiful_Ad_7147

Another User Comments:

“Gentle YTJ

How will your last moments be filled with happiness if you aren’t honest? And if your sister knows, please believe she will tell your parents sooner or later. Tell them so that all of you can begin to enjoy the time you have left.

Who knows, but your parents will be more understanding of why you moved in and aren’t working- and maybe they will all come together to make lasting memories for all of you. I don’t want to put this pressure on you but you are the one dying so I guess you don’t think about how this will be once you leave. But remember once you are gone, they will still be here and you don’t want them to be miserable or in pain wishing they had the opportunity to do things differently with you.” WickedAngelLove

3 points (3 votes)

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IDontKnow 2 months ago
No jerks. However, how would you feel if your sibling or parent were terminally ill and didn't tell you? I personally would feel robbed of the time and closure. I would forever think about what I could've or should've done differently. I also think you need their understanding right now, and they're not going to understand without all the information.
I also hope you have seen another doctor or two for different opinions.
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15. AITJ For Wanting To Invite A Friend To A Family Vacation?


“My husband (32) and I (30) had discussed a family vacation to San Francisco at the end of this summer when he can finally get away from work.

I have two children (9 and 12) from a previous marriage but he has been the best stepfather you could ever ask for.

Our 12-year-old will be at a week-long summer camp for kids her age so we thought about taking the 9-year-old on vacation with us.

I asked one of my very close friends if she wanted to come and she said definitely. My husband is not a fan of her because of her lifestyle.

She’s single and loves to party and get wild.

When I brought this up to my husband he asked me if I was thinking about this or if I had already talked to my friend and invited her. I told him I had already talked to her and invited her.

He said he felt hurt that I was just making unilateral decisions without him and that he felt this was going to be a sort of family vacation and that inviting her was going to change the entire vibe of the vacation and that he and our 9-year-old would end up definitely feeling like a girls trip.

I told him my friend understood the kind of trip it would be and he said that if I really wanted her to come he would understand and rather just sit it out and allow me, my daughter, and my friend to go instead because he felt he wouldn’t have a good time.

I told him if that was how he was going to act he was being a child and he responded that making executive decisions for things that involved the whole family without involving him made me a jerk.


Another User Comments:


You unilaterally decided to invite your single, party-hard friend on a family vacation and then wonder why your husband is upset.

You didn’t have the right to invite her without discussing it with your husband and him agreeing.

You totally disregarded your husband, his thoughts, his feelings, and his wants.

You know he doesn’t like this particular friend, yet you thought it completely appropriate to invite her on your family vacation.

Why? What is your justification? To stick it to your husband? Are you trying to end your marriage?

You need to disinvite your friend or cancel. This was meant to be a family trip and you changed it without any input from your husband.

That makes you the jerk big time.” sheba71smokey32

Another User Comments:

“YTJ… ‘We had discussed a family vacation to San Francisco at the end of this summer when he can finally get away from work’… you made arrangements with your husband and then changed those arrangements without talking to him.

This shows an incredible lack of empathy.

Imagine that you planned a romantic dinner with your husband. You then later find out he invited his drinking buddy along because the place you chose was the buddy’s favorite bar. Additionally, your husband knew you didn’t like buddy but hubby thinks he’s a lot of fun.

Would you be happy with how that evening turned out?

A family vacation is just that… no friends allowed unless everyone agrees.” Maventee

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, your husband explained his side very well so why do you even need us to repeat it?

You unilaterally changed the family trip by inviting your friend, in particular a friend who your husband doesn’t get along with.

What was going to be a family bonding experience is now obviously going on a partying trip for you and your friend and he’ll be left out, essentially babysitting your 9-year-old at the hotel/hostel/apartment. You said this will be his long-awaited freedom from his work and you couldn’t prioritize him or his needs at all.

And then you responded to his reasoning by calling him childish. You really don’t sound like a good partner here OP, I don’t understand how did you write this all out, proofread it, and not realize how crappy your behavior is. If this situation reflects your behavior in your whole marriage, I feel sorry for the husband.” User

3 points (3 votes)

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rbleah 3 months ago
YOU ARE A BIG JERK. Now maybe we know why you lost your first husband. Possibly will be losing your second as well. This was NOT meant to be a party trip for you and your friend. This was meant to be a getaway for him, you and your child. Why not just take your friend and child somewhere while your husband goes somewhere else to have some downtime? LOSER
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14. AITJ For Not Allowing My Dad To Make A Speech/Toast At My Wedding?


“I’m (24m) getting married in June and my dad was supposed to be giving a speech/toast at the reception, something he asked to do. I said sure. Figured if he wanted to do one then why not. We weren’t really planning any.

Then my aunt sent me the speech he prepared and it bothered me. He referred to his wife as my mom. She has been my stepmother since I was 8 years old but I have never called her mom and that has been a very sore subject between us all because I never gave her a mom place in my heart.

I respect and care for her as my dad’s wife and as a nice person. But they always hoped I would see her close to a mom, if not as my second mom since mine died a year before she entered my life.

The whole speech was about him and ‘my mom’ AKA his wife and how they felt and dreamed about me getting married. The speech touches on how they were lucky to be my parents and how I was lucky to have a mom like her because she has been so amazing.

It very much felt like a dig at me for not showing her that kind of love and appreciation (the mom stuff) and for choosing to do a special dance with my maternal grandma at my wedding instead of my stepmother.

Dad found out my aunt had sent it to me and he told me that he needed me to understand why he needed to shine a spotlight on her because she deserved to be honored as a parent of the groom on the wedding day and I was not giving her that recognition.

I told him she was not my mom and the fact that he claimed her as my mom 21 times throughout the speech was a problem. He told me she’s my mom in everything but blood (no, she never adopted me but they don’t consider that to matter) and she should get to be called mom at least once in her life when our relationship is talked about.

I told him I did not want that speech read at my wedding. He told me it was not my decision. I told him he could no longer make the speech/toast since he would only read that.

He’s angry and saying I am being controlling and behaving like a child.

He said she deserves better and he should be able to praise his wife and acknowledge how our family actually is instead of living in the past and what it used to be.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. What is wrong with your father? Does he really not think you would want to acknowledge your biological mother on this day?

And it gives her MORE credit that she stepped in after your mom passed away.

Referring to her as ‘my wife, X’ is more than fair. And he can still talk about how they raised you, how much they looked forward to this day, how proud they are of you. None of that changes.

And you do seem to like/love/appreciate your stepmother/dad’s wife.

She should have her OWN place in your heart, made for her, that’s not the one your mom had. You can love them both.

I wish I understood why parents force this stuff. She could’ve held the same place in your heart as a close, favorite aunt, and instead, they had to push it and possibly ruin it.” Lily_May

Another User Comments:


And thank your aunt so much she’s a true hero.

Tell your dad that if argues against the no speech then the next step is her being disinvited and if he won’t come because of that – then it’s his fault.

Make sure someone is in charge of the Mic’s and that the DJ and everyone know to pull the Mic out or switch the volume down and tell him if he dares do the speech and call her your mother anyway you will stand up and loudly tell everyone how she isn’t, and that’s not the relationship you have.

Also, toast your mother at the wedding and have an empty chair for her. Maybe put a photo up of you and her too.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Personally, I would sit both your dad and your stepmom down and explain to them very clearly, on no uncertain terms, that their behavior at your wedding will make or break your relationship with them going forward.

Make it very clear that she will never be your mom, that she has never been your mom. And that you are not afraid to cut them out of your life permanently. If either of them tries to throw a fit during this conversation, immediately uninvite them from the wedding. Then, inform all of the proper personnel to make sure that they won’t be able to sneak in and crash your wedding.” Longjumping_Cap_1744

3 points (3 votes)

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mima 3 months ago
Ntj but dad is.
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13. AITJ For Returning A Personalized Baby Gift?


“I had a baby 3 weeks ago and just received a personalized pillowcase in the mail with my daughter’s name and birth stats (weight, height, etc.) from my Aunt and Uncle. This would be a nice gift, except the package was addressed to my daughter and my mother.

Some backstory, this is my mom’s side of the family. My mother lives in California, we live in Texas and my extended family lives in Iowa. I’m 28 and this is my second child.

As a child, I would have said I was very close to my mom’s side of the family, but growing up I’ve slowly come to realize they don’t actually care about me.

Up until last year, we all lived in Iowa within 30 minutes of each other. So if there was a holiday that they were hosting, they would invite my mom and expect her to invite me instead of reaching out to me themselves.

I have lots of cousins from this Aunt and Uncle who are 10+ years older than me. My cousins will invite my mom to their kid’s activities and expect her to invite me (or not). I’m always the last to know or be invited to anything.

Not sure if this is because they still see me as the baby of the family (I’m the youngest of all of the cousins, with a large age gap) or if they just truly don’t want me around. They are nice to me when I do go to family events.

Getting this package that has absolutely nothing to do with my mom (who again lives three states away from me) yet was addressed to her, just seems like the last straw to me.

I have not done this yet, as I wanted to poll and see if this would be a jerk move, but I’m very tempted to seal the package back up with an added letter detailing my feelings and send it back to them.

It’s not something that they can return, since it’s personalized, but I really don’t want it as it’s just going to be a reminder of how little they care about me. I’m so confused why they seemingly refuse to acknowledge my existence.

Am I overreacting?”

Another User Comments:

“It’s strange that they addressed it to your mom at your address but yes, YWBTJ if you returned it. Maybe it was just a mistake?

They probably didn’t mean any harm. It’s also quite common to tell the mom about a casual family event and know that she will invite her kids, but I can understand how you are bothered by it.

Send them a lovely thank you. And say ‘I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to open it or not because it was addressed to my mother, but I’m guessing that was an error. Such a lovely gift, thank you! And if you ever need to contact me my email is – and my cell is -.

Would be great to see you and introduce the baby!'” newfriend836639

Another User Comments:


This is such a super normal thing in larger Midwest families. No one cares one bit about how an invite is made and it is absolutely meaningless. People are being kind and extending invitations efficiently.

This would be such a confusing and hostile move. Be grateful for what sounds like a nice gift.

I’m 50. I still get cards sent to my mom’s house addressed to me. Because people lose track of addresses or whatever. It’s not a big deal.

I highly doubt all the older cousins are receiving way more elaborate invitites to events.

You are making a giant mountain out of a molehill.” superfastmomma

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for being frustrated, but if you returned it, I think it would be a YTJ move.

I know that I am almost 30, and most of the family invites go to my mom/dad, who are supposed to invite me. I don’t think it reflects how they feel about you in particular; they are just used to you being your mom’s child.

At the end of the day, it is weird it was addressed to your mom/the baby. But I don’t think it reaches the level of returning it and having an argument. You can always mention it to your mom, and see if she has an idea why they posted it that way. It might get to them secondhand that it was a weird move, and they might correct their behavior. It might not. But I don’t think this particular move is worth a fight.” emilyb90249024

2 points (2 votes)

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Mudlis 3 months ago
YTJ, that's exactly how my family does things too. Who cares, it's clearly a very thoughtful gift.
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12. AITJ For Saying My Old Grandma Can't Come To My Wedding?


“I (f25) do not get along with my Nan, she has been awful to me for as long as I can remember. She had a hard life growing up and is cold to most people but she has always been vindictive to me, I’m not entirely sure why but she just takes a dislike to certain people one of her sons is completely estranged from her because she of how she treated him growing up.

My mother is the oldest and is very sympathetic to her due to witnessing a lot of the mistreatment that my grandad (her husband) put her through and due to that she moved in with us when I was 15 and she made my life miserable.

She told me I was the reason my dad died of cancer, she called me a dirty flirt because she walked into my room when I was changing and I was wearing a black bra. She said I was the least pretty of my sisters because I looked like my dad’s side of the family and as a teen, I just hated my appearance.

She was also extremely racist to my best friend when she came around and it was just awful. I felt on edge in my home for years and my mom would get mad at her but she would just cry about her past and my mom would forgive her.

Fast forward to now my partner and I are engaged and very happy, we have our own home and good jobs and I feel the stability and love have helped heal a lot of the trauma I suffered. She still lives with my mom I am polite when I visit but that’s the extent of our relationship.

I had my dress appointment and chose a beautiful dress and actually felt beautiful in it. When I went to visit my mom I was showing her pictures and my mom was complimentary and gushed about the dress my Nan asked to see and I stupidly let her look.

She smirked and said a girl with my body type could never pull this dress off and said I best start dieting.

I lost my mind. I essentially told her she would not have to worry about my dress because she was not welcome at my wedding.

My mom tried to calm me down but they I just started on her and said she had failed me by allowing her to treat me like garbage my whole life, I stormed out and went home.

The reaction from my family is mixed my sisters and partner have been very supportive and whilst they think I should not have shouted they agree with me that it’s my wedding and I can choose who I invite.

My mom and her six other siblings think I was completely out of order. They have said my wedding is likely to be the last my Nan attends so I have no right to take that away from her. I feel like I could have handled the situation much more maturely however if someone else would have made the comment I definitely would have been but I just felt triggered and it reminded me of everything else she had said to me over the years.


Another User Comments:


Ever since your father died, your grandmother has used her past trauma as an excuse to verbally and emotionally mistreated you. She had a chance to be at least neutral when showed the picture of the dress, but she had to be cruel.

Good for you standing up to her.

You have every right to a perfect wedding, surrounded by people that love and support you. Your grandmother isn’t one of them, and you know, if you invite her, that she will do something to spoil your day.

I truly hope that you have the wedding of your dreams!” trappergraves

Another User Comments:

“Tell them not to worry about your wedding being the last she attends, because she won’t be attending! And make sure to take and post lots of photos of you looking absolutely fabulous and having a great time without her there for her to see.

She has no /right/ to attend your wedding when she’s basically tormented you throughout your life—I mean, telling you it’s your fault your dad died of cancer? Your mom /did/ fail you—she enables an abuser and brought them into what was meant to be your safe space: your home.

Honestly, I’d let your family know that if they want to die on this hill, then they don’t have to attend either—they can spend the day with Nan since they’re so worried about her.

NTJ. And I hope you take care of yourself—you deserve better than this.” peachymoonfairy

Another User Comments:


First of all, congrats, and second of all, this is your wedding.

It’s all about you and your fiance. Do you want to feel happy and not worry about your Nan that might throw a verbally abusive bomb towards you on that day? You tried and put up with it for so long.

Things that happened in your Nan’s life has nothing to do with you. She is just projecting the stuff toward you. Sometimes enough is enough even if it’s coming from a family member. Yes, it’s sad for your mother because her mother might be uninvited. Why is she not sad for you? You are her daughter and all those years of verbal abuse are not sad?” HeadMasterDoge

2 points (2 votes)

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deco 2 months ago
If "Nan" shows up, have she and whomever came with her removed.....was not invited and is not allowed to attend. Your wedding, not hers or your mothers or her siblings.
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11. WIBTJ If I Don't Take My Daughter To Her Own Birthday Party?


“My daughter and her first cousin (on her father’s side) were born on the same day of the same year, so they have the same birthday. We live less than 8 minutes from all of my ex’s family, however, they only ever see my daughter once every few months by their own choice.

Whatever, not ideal but she has plenty of people in my family who love her so she hasn’t really missed out on anything.

So her birthday was a few weeks ago, and we didn’t hear anything from her father. I got my daughter’s cousin a gift and called her mom to ask what her address was so I could drop it off (they moved) and she told me I could just meet her at the park they were at.

We get to the park and they’re having a birthday party for the first cousin with all of my ex’s family was there. My daughter wasn’t invited, even though all the other cousins were there. To be honest, I’m not really tripping over this, I just assumed that they didn’t want cousin to share the spotlight on the birthday.

However what I AM making a big deal out of is that none of them intended on doing anything for my daughter’s birthday, but most importantly that my Ex was there for his niece’s bday, but he hadn’t even called or texted anything to acknowledge our daughter’s bday.

It was 4 pm by then, if he was gonna do it he probably already would have. At the party, he said, ‘Oh by the way, we’re gonna do a little party for our daughter on Thursday.’

I call him later and explain to him, no, you’re not, that it’s okay to go to your niece’s but you ditched your daughter’s to do it, and this is the 3rd year in a row you and your family have done something like this (she’s four, by the way) Just because she’s too young to understand what your doing and why you’re doing it doesn’t mean that it’s not downright disrespectful to her.

He basically said agree to disagree.

The party got postponed due to the weather, and now they’re trying to throw it on Saturday, almost two weeks later. WIBTJ for not taking her there? They never see her by their own choice, but I’ve never told them no when they’ve asked to see her before.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ I would say.

Usually, I would say what your daughter wants is most important and you should never ever weaponize your kid in a divorce or alienate the other parent. But in this case (from what I know) I don’t think you’re doing either of that.

You seem like you want him to be involved and present in her life and be a father… just yeah, he already fails. And I would actually set your daughter’s wishes back this time to prove a point.

Of course, she will say yes to the party because she is four and doesn’t understand what’s going on, but I think if you accept her father’s behavior this time it will never get better and you are going to do your daughter a disservice in the long run.

He will think what he’s doing is fine because he got through with it and never make an effort. He needs to know that his choices and actions have consequences and he learns it better right away than later when your daughter is old enough to understand and be hurt and disappointed.” ConfusionNearby

Another User Comments:

“It’s really hard on both you and your daughter and I don’t think you’re a jerk at all.

My daughter is in the same situation – her daughter’s dad only wants to know once in a blue moon then makes all sorts of unreasonable demands. So he didn’t see her for 18 months, then turned up on Christmas Day at my house, with a totally inappropriate and expensive present, demanding to see his daughter.

However, your daughter won’t understand the politics behind it or even the significance of the date. Take her to the party, and let her enjoy it without comment.

Trust me, she will understand in time what her father’s like, unless he improves.

She will only resent you if he has the right to say ‘Your mother wouldn’t let me see you.’ Don’t give him that ammo.” Holiday_Cat_7284

Another User Comments:


Your ex wants to assuage his own guilt, you have no obligation to help him.

Eventually, your daughter will learn that her father doesn’t care, sadly she’ll probably have some garbage feelings about that. Letting her process the garbage feelings (with therapy if necessary) is still kinder than forcing her to engage in her father’s second-rate, guilt assuaging, efforts, and have to pretend to be grateful for them while feeling like garbage – that’ll really mess her up.

Be the parent who has her back, not her father’s enabler.

Stop doing things on your daughter’s behalf for her father’s family members, like buying her cousin a birthday present. You manage her relationship with your relatives, he can step up to do the same for his relatives.

If he doesn’t, well like you said, there’s plenty of love from your family.

Also, document document document. Write down everything you can remember to date, then start recording as it happens, all the missed birthdays, contact efforts, and if they succeed/fail or lack of contact effort, everything.

Because my gut tells me this guy, who doesn’t care until he’s seen by other people not caring, will be the type to demand 50/50 custody when he gets into a new relationship and doesn’t want to explain to his partner he’s a deadbeat dad.

Your daughter is not his pawn. She has a right to a relationship with her father but she also has a right to protection from abuse, neglect is abuse. It’s better to have receipts and not need them than to need them and not have them.” Professional_Ruin953

2 points (2 votes)

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Ninastid 3 months ago
Ntj and I would just do her a birthday party yourself and don't invite any of those people
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10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Stay At My In-Laws' Place?


“I (25 f) am married to my husband (29 m) for 7 years. My relationship with my in-laws has always been rocky, however, we are cordial enough. We have 2 children aged 3 years and 5 months. We live abroad and will be visiting our hometown for the first time since 2019.

This is a trip we’ve planned for many months and look forward to. Our parents have yet to meet their grandkids (due to the global crisis).

Our plans were initially to spend equal time with both sets of parents – i.e. stay with my parents for 2 weeks and then at my in-laws for 2 weeks.

But at the last minute, my husband’s sister and her partner decided to also come home from out of town. Her dates overlap with ours and it means she will be staying with my in-laws at the same time as us.

My in-laws only have 1 spare bedroom so the setup would be pretty uncomfortable for my family of 4 plus another 4 adults in a 2 bedroom townhouse.

As our plans were made first, and we have small kids, I’d hope my in-laws would have had the sense to maybe ask their daughter to book into an Airbnb to make the living setup more manageable for me and my babies, but they haven’t.

I, therefore, feel we should just step back and book elsewhere or just stay with my parents (who have a large 5-bedroom home, and we’d essentially have our own living quarters). We would still visit my in-laws often and spend time together, just not stay over.

My in-laws feel that I am being difficult and taking their grandkids away from them, and that we should just ‘rough it out’ so the whole family can be together.

So, AITJ for refusing to stay with them during this visit?”

Another User Comments:


By using the phrase ‘rough it out’, they are acknowledging that the situation is uncomfortable for you.

However, they’re disingenuous when they say it’s ‘for the whole family.’ It’s not. It’s for them. Your children don’t know who these strangers are and it’s going to be rough cramming that many people into such a small house.

If your husband wants to ‘rough it out’, that’s his decision as an adult.

You should absolutely feel no guilt at refusing to accept his family’s lack of consideration and you shouldn’t make your own children suffer because the in-laws are rude.” ulose2piranha

Another User Comments:


Stay with your mom and dad. Send the grandkids over – without you – for a fun sleepover at other grandma and grandpa’s.

Send your husband, if you feel particularly bad.

If they continue to complain, tell them you and your family will take their bedroom and they can ‘rough it out’ with and co-sleep with their adult daughter and her partner. Watch them tell you they didn’t mean ‘rough it out,’ if it means inconveniencing your in-laws.

Just you and your family.” GrapeGatsby23

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – oh, God no.

It’s an invitation, not a summons. Demanding that you show up, and THEN demanding you take substandard accommodations for the duration, is a complete failure of hospitality. If they want to see you, the absolute least they can do is not make it an ordeal.

If it isn’t pleasant, you have zero incentive to cooperate with this colossal rudeness.

Then there’s the little issue of making plans with you, and then revoking them so the person who matters more to them can have the good stuff.

Tell them to enjoy their visit with The Golden Child. In the meantime, you’ll be visiting where you’ve been made welcome and comfortable: at the other grandparents.” avast2006

2 points (2 votes)

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Ninastid 3 months ago
Ntj that is way too many people for one house stay with your parents until your sil leaves
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9. AITJ For Scratching A Car With My Stroller?


“I (f31) was on my daily walk with my 5-month-old son and my dog. I take the same route, pretty much and today was no different. I was approaching a corner of the street I usually turn down and I’m assuming someone had family over because there were more cars than usual parked along the street and onto the pavement.

These cars were half on the pavement with barely enough room to push my stroller and definitely not enough room for a wheelchair, for example. Now I was pushing my stroller and it was a squeeze between me and the cars but in the last car, I got stuck and rammed my stroller through the gap (couldn’t have been too hard because the baby was still asleep after).

Next thing I know I hear ‘oi’ so I turned around and this guy must’ve come out of the house and shouted to me that I scratched his car. I walked back and said where (he pointed out some scuffs along his wheel arch) I said well you shouldn’t be parked on the pavement it’s illegal and there must be enough room for wheelchairs, strollers, etc.

He started shouting really aggressively telling me I should pay for the scratches. I said he can’t expect me to push my baby into a busy road because he wants to park on a FOOTpath with emphasis on the foot part.

I refused to be shouted at in front of my son so I called him an arsehole and walked off.

I do feel bad for scratching his car. It was a ‘22 plate Kia, I’m assuming brand new. It wasn’t intentional at all, but still, don’t park on the pavement!

Anyway, I got home and my partner said I could’ve knocked on and asked him to move the car.

And although he said he wouldn’t have gotten aggressive he understands why he’s annoyed his car got damaged?!

So AITJ for scratching this car and refusing to give details to pay for it? I’ll sure be walking a different route in the future.”

Another User Comments:


On the path, pedestrians have right of way. Cara is only allowed to park partly on the path if they are not blocking access for its use. If he had been blocking the road and emergency services needed to get through, a lot worse damage would be done to his car and he would have had no comeuppance.

Perhaps don’t ram your stroller next time as you may damage it too but he’s just throwing his weight around because he was in the wrong and wants to intimidate you into complying with his view. Besides, scuffs will likely come out with some T-Cut and a little elbow grease.

NTJ.” PrudentDeparture4516

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

You knowingly damaged another person’s property.

Yes, they should not have parked there. But you also had no right to purposely damage their vehicle. You KNEW the stroller didn’t fit, so you decided to just RAM it until it would squeeze through, obviously damaging the car.

If it had been your car, fine. But it’s not.

So yes, OP, you are a jerk for damaging somebody else’s property ON PURPOSE.

‘It wasn’t intentional at all’ my butt. You knew it didn’t fit and decided to push through regardless.

Go around it, take a different route, another side of the road, whatever.

One person breaking the rules doesn’t mean you should do so as well by vandalizing their property.

Oh also, by deciding to intentionally damage the car, you put yourself AND your baby in danger. You do not know what kinda person this car belongs to.

They could’ve been really aggressive, attacking you as a result. Is that really what you want? So you want to ram through so badly that you are willing to put your baby’s safety at risk? Maybe even his life?” MishaIsPan

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and, to me, he deserved to have the cops called on him: for obstructing pedestrian way and then getting aggressive with you while pushing your BABY.

And, excuse my language, but your partner’s stance on the subject is completely idiotic. Like, yeah, let’s knock on random doors while you push your stroller, to talk to complete strangers, and let’s see if they’re amiable enough to care about something they should already have cared about right from the start.

Sorry, but a guy who is ready to yell next to a sleeping baby because his mother barely scratched his precious car while she needed to walk on the pedestrian way, all the while knowing he parked his precious car like a pig, is not the kind of meeting I’d like anyone to have.” Ilovetarteauxfraises

1 points (3 votes)

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Ninastid 3 months ago
Ntj the idiot shouldn't park where it's illegal that's his problem
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8. AITJ For Not Inviting A Stranger To Dinner?


“My best friend made a dinner reservation for my partner and me to go on a double date with him and meet his new partner tonight. The reservations were made a couple of weeks ago for just the 4 of us, kind of a ‘get to know you’ type of night.

It just so happens that this weekend is also my partner’s birthday on Sunday.

So today I woke up to messages from 2 of my partner’s friends telling me not to make plans with her tonight because her friend is driving in from out of town to surprise her for her birthday.

This is the first I have heard of this plan.

I tell them that we actually have a dinner reservation tonight that was made ages ago but that I would be able to drop her off anywhere immediately after we finish eating.

The dinner reservation is at 18:30 so we won’t be out too late, I thought that was a reasonable offer.

Apparently, her friends thought otherwise because they did not like my idea and instead suggested many ideas of their own… Change the reservation to tomorrow.

Maybe her friend from out of town can come to join the reservation? I said no to those suggestions because it would be inappropriate and impossible to change the reservation and also because my partner’s friend is essentially a stranger to me.

At this point they started to try and guilt me into it saying ‘But it’s her best friend coming into town from so far away’ and ‘She’s not really a stranger because it’s her best friend’ etc. I continued to tell them that this will not work and finally they agreed and coldly told me ‘Drop her off at home after your important dinner.’

So now I think all of my partner’s friends are mad at me because I wouldn’t compromise for their last-minute plans that they sprung on me.

Am I the jerk for not wanting to change my plans to accommodate a stranger? Is it not reasonable to just let us eat supper and then meet her friends for the surprise after? I don’t understand the big deal with seeing her an hour later and letting us enjoy our dinner in peace, but maybe I’m the jerk.”

Another User Comments:


Your partner’s friends failed to plan appropriately and tried to screw up your plans with your intimate partner.

They are not entitled to ruin your established date with your partner just because they wanted to surprise her.

They need to plan better for the future. They completely failed to realize that your partner might have already made plans before committing to the surprise.” LeoSolaris

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, while you don’t provide the ages of everyone involved, I think it’s safe to assume you’re all adults.

As such adults sometimes make plans, and can’t be expected to drop those plans for another person to randomly show up. I think your response was great told them you had plans and said you’d be good to drop off later.

If they had said something sooner maybe you could be arranged to move the reservation, but the day of is way too late. It’s not just you and your partner is the other couple too.

The one thing I’d be concerned with is why would it be needed for her friend to come to dinner tomorrow if you rescheduled, does this best friend have plans to stay with your partner, or if you live together both of you for the weekend?” Phil_Achio

Another User Comments:

“How is it okay to make plans for a surprise event and NOT consult the intimate partner of the recipient? They had to know you would be doing something on her birthday weekend!

This is not on you—it’s totally on them.

I suggest you not tell your partner, go to the dinner as planned, drop her off with her friends, and when it’s all over, sit down with your partner and spell out in no uncertain terms what her friends pulled. If she doesn’t back you up and shut them down immediately, you’ll have an important piece of information about your partner.

I suspect, however, she’s going to be mad with her friends.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Tell your partner about all of this immediately. It’s completely unfair for them to drop this on all of your last minutes and expect you to bend over backward for THEIR plans.

Your partner needs to know how her friends treat her partner and her plans. I’m sure the friends think that your partner rwill be on ‘their’ side but in reality, they’re trampling all over her agency as an adult by refusing to accept that she already has plans and that they can’t just jump in last minute as if she has nothing better to do than hang out with them.

Like if I were your partner I’d feel so disrespected! I had established plans! Surprises need to be on the schedule of the person BEING surprised, meaning they have to deal with your partner’s pre-established plans!” ctortan

1 points (1 votes)

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Ninastid 3 months ago
Ntj they decided to wait last minute that's their problem tell them to change plans and do something with her another day since they were expecting you to do that
2 Reply

7. AITJ For Understanding My Nephews' Request?


“My brother has three boys who are 18, 16, and 15. The oldest is graduating high school this year. They split time between their mom’s house and my brother’s house. My brother and his ex-wife divorced a decade ago. Both have since remarried.

My brother has two stepdaughters (younger than his boys) and a daughter with his wife. The boys’ mom has also had more children.

A few weeks ago the boys asked to speak to my brother and their mom together and made a request that for the graduation (and the graduation of the younger two) that at some point they get a photo of just the five of them, so they could have a photo of just them and their parents and nobody else.

My brother and SIL have not shut up about it since. They think it was outrageous and that the boys are terrible for requesting this. SIL was particularly offended because the girls would not be included and how would they feel knowing their brothers don’t consider them family enough to want them in all the family photos, or to distinguish them as lesser than for having different a different mom to them.

The boys told me their mom and her husband have a very similar reaction, though not as dramatic. But they do not like that the boys want something without her husband and their children together.

My brother and SIL were going on and on the other week about it during our sister’s birthday dinner and after other families tried to change the subject, and were ignored, I told them I did not find the request outrageous at all and understand why they would ask.

Then I said maybe the topic should be dropped.

SIL asked me how I could understand and how could I excuse the request. I told her that despite the divorce, my brother and his ex-wife are still mom and dad to the boys and they love them both so it would probably be nice for them to have a photo of just the five of them on what is a big milestone in my oldest nephew’s night.

My sister and her husband agreed with me.

My brother and SIL think I was a jerk for understanding the boy’s request and that I should be thinking about how my nieces will feel and how SIL feels, given the request wasn’t to have the whole family in a photo but to have the old family in it before any of them came around.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I think parents forget that when they choose to remarry and take on step-children, their bio kids didn’t make that same choice. Your brother can choose a new wife and father her children and create more children together, but as long as your nephews aren’t rude, they don’t have to feel the same way.

It’s kind of ironic that your SIL is mad her chosen family isn’t being respected whilst simultaneously denying the boys their right to choose their own family (and take a single picture).” HayWhatsCooking

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. In fact, it’s a wonderful thing that you’re advocating for these boys!

The three of them have a shared experience that their step- and half-siblings don’t have.

They have the same two parents. They are similar in age, they started life with both parents together, then experienced divorce, remarriages, step-siblings, and half-siblings, none of which share the same two parents these boys have or have gone back and forth between the homes of these two parents.

It makes so much sense that they’d want a picture of the three of them with the two parents that they share. It doesn’t diminish all of the other kids, who each have their own two parents. It’s sad that mom and dad are so unwilling to recognize these boys as people with their own unique frames of reference and relationships, but instead insist they only be identified as part of the collective blended families.” pjeans

Another User Comments:

“This is what drives me NUTS about divorced parents.

They have a child who THEY bond to each of them as parents and then say they can’t stay married because an unhappy marriage is bad for the kids but go on to marry again and say the kids will adapt!! It doesn’t matter if the kids are happy as long as the parents get what they want.

Sure, divorce needs to happen bc some people shouldn’t be married. That’s fine but THEY need to take responsibility for the family bonding they put their children through. It’s not something they should ignore.

A single picture isn’t out of bounds and their parents are so selfish and narrow-minded that it’s ridiculous.

I’ve also really hated when people get so bent out of shape if they aren’t included in a family pic with certain members if they are included in the rest of the family pics. It’s so ANNOYING.

In my family, we take pics of family and friends that are close enough in the frame to get photographed. Pics aren’t a statement of who is favored, it’s a statement of who stands still long enough and tries to keep their eyes open when the camera snaps, in my opinion.

NTJ” Far-Side2489

1 points (1 votes)

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deco 2 months ago
Tell them not to be surprised when their boys go low contact and if they keep this behavior contact. Those are their stepsisters, not siblings who has been there all along. Pushing for feelings that the boys may not have just creates more stress and resentment. The kids don't have any choice when parents 'blend' families.
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6. AITJ For Not Taking My Daughter's "Relationship" Seriously?


“My husband and I have a 7-year-old daughter together, Layla. A few months ago, Layla got a ‘significant other,’ Lucas. They are both 7, so it’s obviously not a real relationship. They just hold hands sometimes and they drew each other hearts for valentines Day.

This week, Layla was apparently holding hands with another boy – who also sent Layla a Valentine’s Day love letter – and Lucas took offense to it. We found out because Lucas’ parents called to tell us Lucas won’t be coming over to us this Saturday like it was originally planned because he is mad at Layla.

My husband wants us to punish Layla and wants me to have a talk with her about faithfulness. At first, I thought he was joking, but no, he was serious. He says that Layla had an affair on Lucas and that I, as her mother, should do something about it.

I told my husband that Layla is seven and not being unfaithful so I won’t treat her as such. He then accused me of ‘raising a liar’ and encouraging bad behavior. AITJ for not wanting to punish Layla?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Faithfulness at 7? Your husband seems to have his head so far up his butt that all he can see is poo.

Don’t push adult crap onto a child and all she is doing is enjoying holding hands with a friend or maybe someone she felt comfortable with at that time.

Also, how dare Lucas’s parents turn this crap on your family. If a 7-year-old is this possessive then he’s best left alone as your daughter will only end up getting hurt later on as he’s most definitely someone I wouldn’t want around my daughter.

She’s free to hold hands with whoever she wants to and faithfulness comes much later in life when they start realizing the meaning of the world. As of now they are kids and don’t take their innocents of them and entrap them into a life of adult nonsense.

Hope the young lady is keeping well and do look after her.” SPolowiski

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Telling Layla that Lucas is upset because she played with someone else, would be a good thing. Teaching empathy and that people exist when she is not there and all that.

But lecturing and punishing Layla? That implies a greater understanding of interpersonal relationships and her own feelings than any 7-year-old can be expected to have. At that age, children are still learning about their own feelings, and what they mean. They don’t really understand what significant others are yet.” Charming-Argument693

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, at 7 a significant other is literally a boy who is a friend.

Would your husband respond the same way if one of Layla’s female friends threw a tantrum because she was friends with another girl?

Does your husband honestly believe that your daughter has agreed to enter a committed, monogamous relationship at the age of 7? If so he really needs to think about the implications of the way he is viewing his daughter.

Lucas probably isn’t even viewing this as ‘infidelity’ he’s just in a sulk that his friend is playing with someone else and is jealous (something all children of both genders go through). Lucas needs to learn that he doesn’t own his friends and they have the right to have as many friends as they like, but that’s up to his parents to deal with not you.” lysalnan

1 points (1 votes)

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Ninastid 3 months ago
Oh my flipping Lord. She's 7! 7! It's not like she was in a relationship and actually cheated on the kid. And your husband is an jerk for talking a 7 year olds relationship seriously
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5. WIBTJ For Giving My Friend A Hand-Sewn Wedding Dress On Her Wedding?


“So my friend wanted me to make her wedding dress. (She’s getting married in 2 months). I sew as a hobby but was ecstatic that she asked me to do something this big. I saw it as an honor. She trusted me with such a big detail.

I am on a super tight budget so when she said she would pay for everything I was extremely grateful.

So I found fabric for her, gave her several options and we pieced together what her dream dress would be. I was determined to be as thorough as possible.

When giving her the price of the dress though I struggled with the idea of including my labor cost. This was going to be a TON of work. Work I was happily willing to do but work all the same. The fabric alone was already a few hundred bucks so it felt extremely bad to add another couple hundred on there with what felt like pure greed almost.

So instead I resolved to do this for free and have the dress be her wedding gift since I couldn’t afford to give a wedding gift anyways on my budget.

The dress went through multiple rounds of alterations. Changing the neckline, changing the sleeve type, etc but I did this all without a word of complaint (not that I really had any).

And it came out beautifully! My friend is coming over in a couple of weeks to pick up the dress/do a final fitting to make sure everything is okay.

In my excitement, I told my other friend ‘Abby’ about it. Like she knew I was making the dress already but I told her how excited I was.

She jokingly asked how I was going to ‘one up’ the dress. I asked her what she meant. She asked what I was planning to gift for the wedding. I told her about the dress. The dress was going to be my gift.

She got upset with me and called me a heartless penny pincher. I didn’t understand why at first but then she pointed out my friend paid for the materials so I was essentially making her pay for her own gift. Which…

I can see now how might be taken but it’s not like I made any profit on it! I feel like there’s something to be said for all the hours I spent laboring over this dress, hand-sewing it in many places, just to make it perfect.

My friend called me a jerk if I go through with it.

Technically I can dip into my savings and gift my friend 100 dollars if I scrimp and save even more, and I’ve resolved to do so if y’all think I’d be a jerk too.

The last thing I want to do is offend or hurt my friend. So WIBTJ if I considered the dress I made as my gift?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Wedding dresses are MASSIVELY expensive. The fact that you spent hundreds of dollars in material, and then TONS of time on making the dress they should be on their knees kissing your feet for the kindness and generosity for making it.

A custom-made wedding dress? Thousands of dollars. Most wedding gifts? 1-200 bucks max.

Abby, your friend, is a jerk. A penny pincher? What you are giving your friend is worth way, way, waaaaay more monetarily AND sentimentally. I don’t want to break rule number 1 here, but this ‘Friend’ of yours makes me really want to sling some names.

What a jerk.” Konocti

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. A custom-made dress, one measured and sewn to fit, more than doubles the cost of most wedding dresses… because of the man hours spent on the dress.

I think you could have protected yourself by saying to the bride that she would pay for the materials and that your labor would be your gift/your labor was free.

If the bride is aware of this, then this other friend is overstepping and I would just ignore her. I hope she does not cause you drama. (and I would imagine that part of why the bride asked you was because of the very high cost of custom-made dresses)

Perhaps it would be helpful to have an idea of how many hours you spent on sewing the dress (many, many hours, I’m sure) to illustrate that what you’re giving is worth much more than a $100 wedding gift.” Fit-Maize9211

Another User Comments:


I feel like it’s pretty well known that if sometime ‘donates’ a large value service to a wedding that’s the wedding gift. You could still do something small or go in on something with someone else (like maybe a preservation box) if you were feeling pressured to or think the bride expects an additional gift but I don’t think it should be expected after you’ve put so many hours into this.

With that being said – there are a lot of entitled brides these days and I wouldn’t be surprised if she was upset. We had people at my wedding who didn’t bring or do anything because finances were so tight but we were just so happy that they knew we wouldn’t mind!” sickandsweaty

1 points (1 votes)

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deco 2 months ago
Figure it in labor hours at $10 an hour......not even minimum wage. I figure 50 hours easy, probably over 100 hours actually and your gift is at the very least $500 bucks. NTJ at all but your "friend" is.
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4. AITJ For Letting My Roommate Do All The Cooking?


“Both my roommate and I are students and women. She was kicked out of her old apartment by her ex, and I let her come stay with me, so she wouldn’t go homeless. Eventually, we moved into a slightly bigger apartment so she could have her own room and not camp out in my living room.

I’m a little older, studying in a more lucrative field, law. Right now I pay the lion’s share of the rent, over 2/3rds, and have a much bigger room. She basically just pays the difference between our one apartment and a studio.

I’m fine with this arrangement, and as far as I can tell, she is too. I’d say we have pretty good communication.

The problem is with the men in our lives. Her partner sees her cooking for me, way more than I would for her.

(to be fair, I didn’t cook before, either) He sees her clean more often afterward too. I think there’s also some tension in that I wear nice clothing, suits, blouses, all that, a lot. I get nice brands at low prices because I need to look the part.

I’m still very much in debt. Meanwhile, he hasn’t taken out student loans, but he also has next to nothing in his bank account. He assumes I’m mooching off her, particularly because she had nowhere else to go when she was kicked out.

On the other hand, my father sees her paying less than 50% rent and thinks I’m a bleeding heart. He doesn’t get all the little things she helps me with, socially and physically, and I’m really no worse off than if I were in a studio, financially.

In his mind, I’m not in a financial situation to be wasting money on her. He’s mad because he’d bail me out if I really screwed up, financially. He signed on my original lease, so he’s also legally liable. Therefore, he feels like this arrangement opens him up to risk as well.

However, I have the money set aside to pay off all my rent and utilities until the end of the lease, even if she stopped paying entirely. I also have an emergency fund that’s about a month and a half of rent.

As for why I may be the jerk: on my partner’s side: because maybe it is unfair that RM does all this cooking and cleaning when I’m better off financially because of my family, not because of my specific choices. she really did have no other options so maybe she didn’t feel comfortable saying no.

On Dad’s: he is the cosigner, for my lease and student loans, and does bear some risk regardless.”

Another User Comments:


Gonna go with a crazy suggestion… very specifically ASK your roommate if she feels like you are taking advantage of her, if she feels like maybe she is doing more cooking and cleaning than she should.

What I am seeing here is a situation where one person is putting more money into the living arrangement than the other because that’s what they have to offer. The other person is helping to balance that by doing more of the cooking and the cleaning because that is the “currency” that they have to offer.

And both men can sit and spin. The guy has NO say in this situation and is probably more upset his partner is doing those things for you rather than him. While I will concede that pops does some have a ‘legitimate’ interest since he has some risk, I recommend having a frank conversation and explaining that you’ve taken steps to protect the both of you financially and point out that ultimately, your living relationship with your friend is in fact quite beneficial to your mental well being.” Qierce

Another User Comments:


That said, I think you need to have a serious conversation with your roommate.

Don’t guess whether she’s fine with the arrangement (‘I’m fine with this arrangement, and as far as I can tell, she is too’); make sure that she is. Does she feel (and do you feel) as if she has to act as your cook/maid to make up for the inequities in the rent payment? Is the reason her partner feels the way he does because she’s secretly complaining to him?

If she really is fine, then she needs to cut off her partner’s objections (‘I do a little extra cooking, etc.

around the house because 1. I enjoy it and DQ doesn’t, and 2. I like to do a bit extra because DQ is paying the lion’s share of the rent. Don’t blow it for me by trying to make things equal because there’s no way I could afford this place if I had to pay even 1/3 of the rent’).

Your dad’s concern is more legitimate because he did co-sign on the apartment. That said, the time to object was when you got the larger place, not now, unless you let him assume (or misled him into thinking) that RM would be paying her fair share of the rent.

Either way, though, there’s not much he can do about it now (except refuse to cosign for you in the future, which might be a real problem so don’t dismiss it). Tell him that RM helps out a lot around the place, making it easier for you to attend to your law studies, and show him the money you have saved to make him more comfortable that he won’t be on the hook.” SamSpayedPI

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, sit down with her and her partner and ask the guy whether or not he wants things to be equal or equitable because if he wants things to be more equal she’s going to have to start paying more in rent and utilities and food and you’ll start picking up after yourself it’ll be easier for you if you’re not working so hard to pay for everything.

I agree with your dad but at the same time I don’t because you understand what’s going on with your friend here but I feel like your friend should probably talk to her partner about your situation because if she’s not happy with it then you all need to have a conversation.” Redditkindaasucks

0 points (0 votes)

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IDontKnow 2 months ago
NTJ. If you an your roommate are good, then what's the problem? Tell other people to butt out.
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3. AITJ For Lifting More?


“My wife (29F) and I (31M) got into fitness the past year. I started hitting the gym 5-6 times a week. My wife on the other hand started martial arts (after I convinced her), which she has become very passionate about.

We have both gotten in really good shape.

Over the past year, we have both made serious progress in our fitness journeys. Though the past month was rough on her. Unfortunately, my wife was laid off from her high-paying job and hasn’t been in a good mental state lately.

During this time, she started taking martial arts/ fitness even more seriously than ever before, likely to take her mind off her job search.

Onto the story, a couple of days ago her martial arts gym was closed for the day, and having nothing to look forward to she moped around the apartment since all she was doing was job searching.

To take her mind off things I invited her to my gym just before I was about to leave. She excitedly agreed, packed her gym bag, and ran to the car. I am not going to lie, the thought of showing off to my wife got me more pumped up than any prework could.

In the back of my head, I was thinking of stuff like ‘She’s going to be so impressed with how much I lift.’ Yes, it’s stupid, but what guy doesn’t want his wife to think of him as strong/manly?

When we got there, she said she wanted to try mine out, which made me excited because it was chest day.

We grabbed a bench and started with her. She was able to put up more weight than I thought she would, I’m not going to lie, I was impressed and I told her so. Then it was my turn, I put on about 5x as much as she was lifting and pushed out a couple of reps.

I swear, her being there motivated me more than usual, to the point where I hit a personal record! It was a weight that I had been trying to get to for months. I was super happy and proud of myself! After it hit it, I had a couple of my gym bros congratulate me for reaching my goal.

I’m telling you, there’s nothing more motivating than reaching that goal you have been working towards for a long time. However, while my wife was smiling, she was really quiet.

Once we got home, we took a shower and I started making dinner.

Then out of nowhere, right as I was grilling, she started accusing me of purposely showing her up and embarrassing her. I was confused, I hoped she would be proud, not angry with me for lifting so much. After some back and forth, I got angry and said that it was unrealistic to think that she was on my level because not only am I a man who weighs 50-60 pounds more but because she doesn’t lift! I said her expectations were impractical.

Besides, with martial arts her build is more cardio-centric anyway. She stormed off and I ate alone that night.

I just wanted her to be proud of me, not to crush what confidence she had left. I know that probably has something to do with the recent layoff as well.

Anyway, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. I understand your intentions were entirely pure, and you didn’t do anything wrong, but I also understand exactly why she took things the way she did. Please just talk to her and offer your support.

She is going through a lot right now and, from your description of events, you were thinking entirely about yourself and how impressed she would be with you during this trip she believed you offered her to cheer her up. Is it childish of her to respond in this way? Yes.

But you must understand the pressure she is putting on herself to succeed right now.

She was laid off recently and has likely been rejected from jobs since she’s still searching. I can absolutely understand how watching my husband lift five times what I can be my last straw if I had spent months trying so hard to get stronger and feeling like a failure.

Maybe offer to help her search for jobs? Ask her what she needs of you, please, and try very hard to understand what she is saying even if it doesn’t make sense to you. I wish you both the best.” cartoon-chaos

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but come on, I get her, she’s feeling awful, probably her self-esteem is a little crushed right now, then going to the gym with someone to take her mind off things and be a little proud of herself and then he puts up 5x your weight, hits personal record, everyone around him applauds him and she just sits there while he has the time of his life and then he wants her to be proud of him.

You’re NTJ but I feel for her and getting angry about her expressing her feelings is nonsense. Never mind how she expressed them. If she wasn’t abusive just use your empathy and try to understand where she‘s coming from.” eolais93

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

She didn’t expect to be able to lift more than you, but she wasn’t there to see you perform and get pumped up and praised by all those guys. She was there to work out and maybe make herself feel a little better after having such a hard time.

And she had been feeling proud of herself for being able to bench as much as she did, until you got on the bench and easily lifted 5x as much, making her feel silly for being proud of her achievement. And then you’re getting jumped on and hyped up by all the other gym bros where nobody has hyped her up for anything lately and she’s probably feeling like she can’t do anything right, not even her job, so while of course usually, she’d be proud of you for the PB she’s just having a hard time right now. It’s really not about you or the lifting, she just needs a little hyping up herself.” ebonycurtains

0 points (0 votes)

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Spaldingmonn 3 months ago
Its the 21st century. Is it so important that the little lady watch and admire you. Oh, you're so strong. What a he man. What a jerk.
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2. AITJ For Commenting On My Friend's Weight?


“I (16F) am pretty tall, at 5’9. I never really thought much of my height until I joined my current friend group. Of course, I heard the ‘Wow you are tall!’ or ‘How tall are you?’ comments but that was about it.

However, my current friend group, specifically two friends in particular constantly make comments about my height.

At first, it was an occasional comment, however, the comments have gotten increasingly more frequent. They constantly bring it up and make comments, comparing me to Slenderman, basketball players, etc.

They sometimes address me as a ‘tall girl’ as a way to mock me, and recently have been making fun of my shoe size since of course since I am taller, my shoe size is on the larger side. They make fun of the way I look next to shorter people, and the way I look in pictures.

It has become less of a joke and more of a way to make fun of me, and it has made me more insecure.

One friend in particular, I will call her Sarah (16F) made fun of my height constantly. I always found her comments ironic, considering that she was on the taller side herself at 5’7.

I finally reached my breaking while at one of our friend’s houses, Sarah was making fun of me consistently, calling me names and of course making fun of my height. We were looking at a group picture, when Sarah said ‘Wow, you look so stupid in this picture, you look so lanky like a slender man!’.

Out of anger, I then replied ‘Well you look pretty overweight’. Sarah is a little bit on the bigger side, so I am sure this comment stung. I wanted Sarah to know what it felt like to have rude comment a made about her body, so I swooped pretty low.


Another User Comments:

“It’s a little bit of everyone sucking, but there is a point where people dish it out and can’t take it, so I am going with NTJ.

The bigger picture here is fixing the toxic relationship with your friends. Tall jokes and fat jokes and ugly jokes are all fun and games until someone’s feelings get hurt.

A better approach is telling these ‘friends’ next time they say it, ‘Hey, I know it doesn’t seem like much, but can we drop the tall jokes? It’s just getting old.’ You could go more touchy-feely (‘It really hurts my feelings’) but they may not respond.

Good luck.” RandomizedNameSystem

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – it’s awful that your friends are mocking you and treating you badly but that’s why you need to talk to them. Never once in this story did you ever mention telling your ‘friends’ (some of these people aren’t your friends, Sarah included, friends don’t call other friends stupid, etc) that their comments hurt your feelings.

If you’re just laughing along with them, how are they going to know they have messed up?

Next time tell them they hurt your feelings and try to work through it. If they are really your friends they will listen, if they dismiss your concerns then do yourself a favor and cut out toxic people from your life.

As it stands you need to apologize to Sarah and then ask for an apology yourself because her comments were out of line.

Two wrongs don’t make a right.” EvenMoreSpiders

Another User Comments:

“I’m going to say NTJ because they should’ve been able to tell when their jokes went too far and slipped into mocking territory that you didn’t find amusing.

But instead of stewing in silence before immediately jumping to insults, you should always address your problems with people first. Your friends aren’t mind readers. If you never tell them that what they’re doing is bothering you, they won’t know. If you never say, ‘Hey all these comments about my height are starting to really bother me, can you stop?’ then they can’t be 100% fault for keeping on doing it.” missy20201

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

Sound like you have a terrible friend group. If the only way they can have fun is to bring each other down, they aren’t really your friends.

Back to Sarah… If you have a problem with what other people say about you (Ex: your height), you should confront them privately about how it bothers you and tell them to stop doing so.

If they continue to do so after you requested them to stop, then what you did was warranted. However, It sounds like you did not try talking to Sarah first before resorting to giving her a taste of her own medicine, so everyone sucks here.” le1236

-2 points (2 votes)

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Ninastid 3 months ago
Oh definitely ntj and that's their problem that they can dish it out but can't take it when it's turned on them
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1. AITJ For Watching "Adult" Movies In A Common Area?


“So I’m an adult (f20) who still lives at home with my parents (m45/f41). I pay rent every month and pay for all my own food, toiletries, subscriptions, etc. so I’m not a ‘freeloader.’

I have a weird work schedule where I work later in the day so my sleep schedule during the work week is a lot different from my family’s.

I usually stay up until around 4-5 AM and wake up at noon-ish because it just works best for me.

Anyway, I’ll often watch movies before going to bed because it’s just something I enjoy. I’ve always been a movie person and I’m a really big fan of horror/gore-type films.

I put ‘adult’ in quotations because the type of film I’m referring to isn’t a nasty film or anything, just dark horror movies that might have an R or MA rating.

Earlier tonight I was watching one of these movies in the living room around 3 AM while my family was sleeping.

I was very mindful to keep the volume down so I wouldn’t disturb anyone. My Mom happened to wake up in the middle of the film, for reasons unrelated to me. And after she woke up she heard the movie and came downstairs.

She started yelling at me for watching ‘adult’ and ‘disturbing’ films in the family living room. She said it’s inappropriate and I need to watch that kind of thing on my laptop alone in my room. But it’s much more comfortable and enjoyable to sit on a couch in front of the TV.

I asked her if my movie is what woke her up and she said no. So I don’t see the problem? I’m not being loud, and everyone else is sleeping so it’s not like my parents or siblings will see what I’m watching.

I am completely alone I just happen to be in the living room.

My mom was upset with me but eventually went upstairs and basically said ‘We’ll talk about it tomorrow.’ Of course, if my parents tell me I absolutely can’t watch these movies in the living room I’ll stop since it’s their house, but personally, I just don’t see why it would be an issue.


Another User Comments:


You pay rent. You are being mindful of the sound, which admittedly by your own mother hadn’t woken anyone up. You are doing so at odd hours when others are asleep and shouldn’t be affected by your activities. Honestly, you seem like you’re utilizing good roommate etiquette, in my opinion.

I don’t like how your parents approached this situation, but you could always just watch stuff in your room to keep the peace. Maybe have your parents go halfsies on a TV for your room to solve the problem or something.

This has multiple easy fixes other than dying on the living room 4 AM horror hill.” Good_From_70

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. While the movies aren’t loud enough to wake people, people often wake up during the night for a variety of reasons, and having horror movies loud enough for them to hear on a different floor when they wake isn’t really something they should have to deal with.

Yes night work sucks and it’s socially isolating and lonely to feel like you’re creeping around your own home, been there done that, but being quiet is part of the territory.” AntipodeanAnise

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, since it isn’t what woke up your mom and you clarified the volume wasn’t loud at all.

I think your mom is the jerk. Some parents just like to control you even if you are an adult, not sure why.

In the end, you pay for everything, and you are allowed to watch whatever you want. Your mom just wanna control you.

I bet the moment you mention you pay for your utilities, she will say ‘Well, it’s my house and my rules so if you don’t like it you can leave.’

Although you did say when she came to the room the screen was black, she didn’t wake up to the volume and only started making issues after she asked what you are watching and you answered.

So there wasn’t even any reason to be upset over a black screen?” Kozutan

Another User Comments:

“You are somewhat the jerk. Put on your big girl pants and do the right thing. Watch your movies in your room. Find a way to make it as comfy as the living room.

The way you turned off the screen as soon as your mom moved about then sat in front of a blank screen, screaming ‘I am hiding something I don’t want you to see.’

Use headphones so that the volume will disturb no one.

Are you officially a tenant or simply paying a share of the family’s household expenses? Rights and privileges are very different.

Ask yourself honestly what you would do if you were rooming in someone else’s house and the householder asked the same thing regarding the common areas.” SkyBlueTomato

-3 points (3 votes)

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deco 2 months ago
Everyone saying to watch horror movies in bedroom are wrong....Most homes have bedroom in same area or wing so what can't be heard from living room TV might be audible from bedroom laptop. Probably time to start saving to get own place.
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