People Need A Stance On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

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Jerks never win, no matter how often they think they're in the right. If you've ever had the misfortune of being in an entanglement with a jerk, you know just how stubborn they can be. And when they get going, there's really no saying what they're capable of. Luckily, you can be the judge on whether these people are really jerks or if they're just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Read on and let us know who you think the jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? EHS = Everyone here sucks

16. AITJ For Not Wanting One Of My Childhood Friends To Come To My Wedding?

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“I (25 F) got engaged last August. Growing up I had a group of four friends counting myself. We went to the same school and have always been close except for me and one girl. We tried bonding multiple times as children but she had no interest in a friendship with me. We were both picked on quite heavily. As we continued to grow up we went in different directions with schooling and she changed.

She did multiple questionable things in college, but she had never wronged me personally so I didn’t care.

She has accused my family of banning her from their house and on two occasions called my older sister cruel stating she hated her as a child. I grew up in a very accepting household. My partner and I laughed at the banning comment as no one has ever been banned from my house as my parents support my choices. The two occasions with my sister bother me some as when it was made the first time my sister had recently lost her baby and at the second comment had just lost her second due to complications.

What bothers me most is the person she has become.

Being bullied growing up you can either conform or tell the bullies to screw off and accept yourself. She changes her personality to appear best to those around her and is constantly causing drama. She switches between victim to bully and judges those around her. She has emotionally hurt my other two friends on multiple occasions to the point they are trying to decide whether to exclude her from normal events.

When I got engaged my partner brought her up.

I said I probably wasn’t going to invite her. She brings up drama whenever something happens and I don’t want drama associated with my wedding. There would also be no one for her to talk to as all my friends are geeks and weirdos. One of my friends had her at their wedding and said it was their biggest regret as she only cared about herself and made her cry multiple times even stealing the attention of her family afterward (which I witnessed).

That friend no longer speaks to her. She still actively blames me, my partner, and our other friend for her problems. I’ll be honest she hasn’t ever had an active role in my life and never contacts me. We see each other through my partner and other friend. She has never really been my friend, but if I don’t I feel like I’m excluding her. She has never wronged me personally, but I can feel her toxicity as I have been emotionally mistreated by friends before and she acts the same as them.

The truth is I rarely think of her but she has been the topic of being dropped from us completely because we are adults and don’t have to put up with her doing hurtful things.

AITJ for not wanting her anywhere near my wedding?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but don’t pretend that you don’t care about her or don’t think about her and just don’t want her to your wedding because of ‘reasons’.

You dislike this girl enough to burn a bridge (and cause even more drama) by not inviting her. So make sure to clear things out in your head about which is it before doing something. Is she an annoying acquaintance? Just invite her and ignore her, I doubt she’ll cause that much trouble. Is she someone that you passionately dislike and her mere presence can ruin your wedding? Don’t invite her but at least make clear that this is how you feel.” Snow_globe_maker

Another User Comments:

“NTJ at all.

Even forgetting that she sounds truly dreadful, she’s not a part of your life, so why should she be at your wedding?? I’ve had very close friends from school and college get married without inviting me because we’re not in each other’s lives anymore, and that’s exactly how it should be. I am still happy for them, and will likely do the same if I get married.

This day belongs to you and your future spouse.

You won’t be doing anyone any favors by inviting her.” symsykins

Another User Comments:

“I, for the life of me, cannot find a reason within what you’ve shared why she WOULD be invited to your wedding. Days and events like weddings are usually reserved for friends and family…supportive loved ones, not someone who you choose to not even associate with in regular day-to-day life. Don’t worry about it, you don’t owe her an invitation and you don’t owe her an explanation. In my opinion OP, that makes you NTJ. Congratulations, enjoy your big day and I wish you the very best in happiness, health, and prosperity.” GuidoLessa

5 points (5 votes)
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rbleah 1 month ago
NTJ she is neither family nor friend. DO NOT invite her, she is so toxic.
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15. AITJ For Not Being Appreciative Of My Family?

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“For clarity, I used to live with my mother, just the two of us. Since I was 14 I would clean and cook alternating with my mom, I always took pride that I was ‘independent’ (still lived with her but did most things by myself) and I got used to being alone.

Recently at 22 years, I had to move in with my grandparents, because I got into college near their house and I also have a full-time job to pay for college (they live in the capital city, and the only way they can afford it is because they bought the apartment 60+ years ago).

The problem is my grandma, I love her and she loves me, but I feel like I’m suffocating here, she controls everything, does everything, and it’s overwhelming.

She insists on paying my tuition even though my job covers it and I always planned on paying it myself.

I get home from college or work and immediately get riddled with questions, things she doesn’t even care about but is desperately trying to find something to ask me, and I know she just wants to talk and means well but it’s tiresome I just want some peace and quiet.

She also does everything around the house, doesn’t let me clean, cook or even get my own dishes off the table.

I feel like a baby because I have no autonomy.

Sometimes it feels like she has OCD, I get called to go to work earlier at 6 am and she hears me talking about it with my boss and immediately gets off her bed to cook me lunch. I want her to rest for her health but she must insist on always having my lunch and dinner cooked, and my clothes freshly laundered.

I have no privacy because she always goes through my drawers cleaning and organizing everything and my room is attached to hers with a freaking window near the ceiling.

There are countless other examples.

And she does all that because she cares so I never said anything, but it feels like too much.

My partner says that yes it sounds annoying but I’m being ungrateful.

So, am I being a jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I get it’s annoying, but you acknowledge yourself a lot of it is because that’s how she’s been programmed to care for people and she’s just lonely.

Think about it this way, you give your grandma pleasure by accepting her care.

She’s trying to make you happy, by being happy, you’d make her happy. Also, not doing these things for yourself in the short term won’t magically make the skills you learned as a child go away. Once you’re out of college, you can move out and be fully independent, but right now, you’re under her roof and need to abide by her rules, annoying as you find them.

Perhaps instead of seeking change in her, you seek to change your reaction.

Instead of answering her questions, ask her questions, and get to know her. Ask her about her parents, her childhood, how she met her husband, what she wanted from life when she was little, and how it’s compared to reality. This will help her loneliness, not require you to talk (though I appreciate listening also takes some energy), and may bring you closer.

Instead of trying to stop her cooking, be appreciative.

Recognize that each dish is her saying ‘I love you’, and thank her for spoiling you.” Sfb208

Another User Comments:

“I get it. You’re used to more autonomy in your living space and are uncomfortable with all that your grandma is doing for you.

Is it annoying? Yes. Is it frustrating? Yes. Could it also be how your grandmother shows love? Most likely.

You are living there temporarily, in her home.

I’m sure it feels suffocating, but it seems like her actions come from a place of love. She’s not restricting your movements, she’s not demanding anything from/of you.

NTJ. Unless there is something you haven’t shared, you would likely be best served to genuinely thank her for her efforts for the remainder of your stay.” Beck2010

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but could this be a generational issue? Your grandmother grew up in a time when these were expectations for women and likely has done these things all her life.

I enjoy getting up and fixing lunch for my partner when I have one so they don’t have to think about it and generally take care of the housework, but I grew up with those expectations as well. I’d suggest sitting down and talking to her. Tell her how much you appreciate her care and love, but you want to contribute, too. Ask if you can do some of the heavier chores, like vacuuming and washing windows (or whatever is needed).

Let her know that you need a little time to ‘get organized’ when you get home, but you’ll be happy to come watch a show or play a hand of cards after. And set up a weekly dinner for just you that she can look forward to (perhaps where you take her out and pay). These are ways that you can contribute more, without making her feel like her contributions aren’t appreciated. As for your room, just tell her that you need that space to be private. If you’re keeping things clean and neat, that’s a reasonable request. Good luck!” sparklestarshine

4 points (4 votes)
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stmc 1 month ago
No jerks here
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14. AITJ For Telling My Partner I Don't Want To Dogsit While He Works?

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“I (24f) told my partner (26m) that I don’t want to dogsit while he works.

He works 24hr shifts 2x a week. I told him I’d watch his dog 1 of those days not both as I’m limited to what I can do when I have to care for his dog. We live together, & I have a dog that he has denied watching several times for reasons like: too much work (going out every 2 hours for the pup) & that he would rather play video games.

He told me he has other care for his dog while he’s working (bringing her to the kennel, friends/family) & that my dog was not his responsibility so I needed to find people other than him to watch her. I understood, & began taking her to work with me every night.

His dog is not very well behaved (jumps, eats food off of the table, pulls badly on a leash, no recall, will ignore commands) & whines constantly from the time he leaves in the morning until he comes home.

It’s exhausting caring for both dogs on my own, especially before work (I work 12hr overnight 6p-6a).

When we first began seeing each other, he told me there was no pressure to watch her as she was his responsibility, & he had other people who would help. On nights when both of us would work, he would bring his dog to doggy daycare. One of his friends called in March & said she’d noticed borderline neglect at daycare & was curious if we’d had similar experiences.

After this, he stopped bringing his dog to daycare, which I understood as I love his dog & don’t want her to be neglected. I have watched her for both his shifts every week since then with few exceptions. His friend never stopped bringing her dogs; they still go weekly.

Without asking, my partner now expects me to take his dog every time he works, including overtime & when he’s with friends.

I told him one day that I had plans with my mom and asked if he could get other care for his dog. He was annoyed but said yes. Morning of, I woke up to his dog home w me. I asked if he had found other care for his dog, and he said no. I reminded him I had plans that I now had to cancel.

He was unapologetic about the incident.

This week, he is working Friday and told me today (Wednesday) that he picked up overtime for tomorrow. I told him again that I don’t feel comfortable watching his dog for 2 days, I work both Thursday and Friday and will be unable to do anything before work except take care of the dogs. He told me it’s not fair that I get to bring my dog to work with me while his stays home, & the solution for ‘fairness’ was that every time his dog goes to daycare, mine has to go too.

I told him this was ridiculous and a waste of money, he kept saying it wasn’t fair and that he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t watch his dog for him after he helped me out with a down payment for my car. I told him I wasn’t ungrateful, but it wasn’t fair to me to always be expected to watch his dog. He does not see it this way and thinks I’m selfish.

AITJ for telling him I no longer want to dogsit?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

He clearly has no respect for your time or boundaries. These are some VERY BIG double standards he’s projecting onto you here.

Also, you should take this as a very big red flag. It might start with the dogs and wee things like that but eventually, you’re going to see this disregarding behavior creeping into other areas of your life too, you already have an example of choosing between him or your family here.

I think you should think about your relationship and well as this situation with the dogs.

Stand your ground and assert your boundaries with him. Good luck!” PlsGiveMeKiki

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

He is all the way. His sense of expectation that you will automatically fall into line with his demands is a worry. Very entitled and dare I say a little chauvinistic?

The victim mantra about it not being fair that he can’t take his dog to work while you can and demanding you put your dog into daycare as well?

The selfish one here is him not you.

Whoa then guilting you with the down payment on the car? Pay him back ASAP so that can’t be held over your head as a guilt trip. Move on or move out – he’s not a very nice person.” Traditional_Judge734

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Clearly, he has no respect for your time, your clearly stated boundaries, or you. He also clearly doesn’t care much about his dog if he isn’t willing to put in the time and effort to make sure it’s well cared for. I would seriously consider how this behavior will continue to manifest as you proceed in your relationship. Will he be dumping the bills, cleaning, potential childcare, cooking, and other tasks on you when he simply refuses to do them?” PNWPainter02

3 points (3 votes)
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rbleah 1 month ago
NTJ He wants everything his way. He can figure out what to do with his own dog since he made a stink about your dog is YOURS. Fine his dog is his. And let me tell you I am a dog person. He won't even TRAIN the dog, HIS problem. Like you don't do anything? You work too.
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13. AITJ For Not Going To My Friend's Wedding?

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“One of my close friends is upset I didn’t attend her bachelorette party or wedding. I didn’t attend the bachelorette party for financial reasons, and I had to miss the wedding for a funeral. I think it’s completely valid that she’s upset, however, the way she approached it I feel like she’s being very selfish and unreasonable.

A little background information: the wedding was announced less than 4 months ago and invites were given less than 2 months ago, all before her partner even proposed (which he never ended up doing, it’s one of those situations where she’s been ready for marriage for years now and he was just never ready to pop the question)! But they booked a honeymoon cruise and thought it would be dumb to have a honeymoon before a wedding, hence rushing this wedding.

Anyways, I told her in advance (with what little time was given) that I wouldn’t be able to go to either.

The wedding and party were had and everything was fine until I woke up to a long paragraph about how this wedding has ‘really opened my eyes to who is really there for me.’ She basically said I’m sorry your aunt died but why couldn’t you have at least gone to my bachelorette party. She said if it was really important to me I would’ve asked my parents for the money.

She was also upset because I booked a flight for this summer when I could’ve spent that money on her weekend. I explained to her that I wouldn’t have been comfortable at the party and I didn’t want to spend my money on drinks and staying out super late, and I’m a teacher so I really don’t make enough money to do her party and take a trip this summer.

I don’t really drink and I only would’ve known one other person on this trip, and at the end of the day it’s my money and I chose to book a flight to see a friend I haven’t seen in 3 years. As far as the wedding, she said she couldn’t be mad that my aunt died but it was very obvious that she was.

I guess it’s also worth noting that my views on marriage aren’t very traditional, I don’t view it as a serious thing and I certainly don’t understand why someone would rush to do it.

And to me, missing a wedding is no different than having to cancel for coffee. (EDIT: to clarify, while weddings are not a big deal to me, I know they are to her and I treated them as such. I’ve never actually said this statement or anything like it to her. I made this comparison to emphasize my confusion on why someone would end a friendship over it.

I.e. I would never end a friendship over someone having to cancel on coffee, life happens and we can’t always make every event even when we want to. I was nothing but supportive and kept my personal views on marriage to myself when I was with her.) I understand that to most people weddings are a big deal, but I really cannot wrap my head around ending a friendship with someone for not being able to attend.

However I know to her, it’s important and I was genuinely sad I couldn’t be there for the big day.

I guess overall, I just really don’t understand why she’s willing to end our friendship over this. We’ve never had any real issues leading up to this, it’s not like problems were building and this was the final straw. I think she’s entitled to feel upset, but what I don’t like is that she’s acting like she’s entitled to everyone spending their money on her just because she’s getting married.

Realistically, when you plan a wedding so quickly, not everyone is going to be able to attend and nobody is obligated to because weddings and bachelorette parties cost money and time. I feel like I gave her enough notice for both events and had valid reasons.

Her father didn’t go to the wedding either, so I think part of this is a projection, to be honest.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

She had a rushed wedding. And to be honest it sounds like her Bachelorette party was a destination one for you. That is expensive. And with no notice. Destination Bachelorettes are a huge inconvenience for almost everyone involved. I do not understand the trend. And the wedding. It sounds like you may not agree with your friend’s wedding however you were going to be there until your aunt died.

Truthfully a real friend would understand that a death in the family would take precedence over a wedding.

Sounds like she may not be happy with having to bully the groom into marriage, therefore, taking it out on you that it’s not exactly what she envisioned.

Weddings bring out the worst in people. I would give her time and maybe things will settle down. But I do know from experience that weddings are stressful not only for the couple but guests sometimes.” Prudent_Border5060

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Your friend needs to get over herself. This is called LIFE and things happen; she can’t control other people and she is not the center of the universe. Weddings are special but they aren’t the once-in-a-lifetime event that funerals are; a whole different standard. As to the bachelorette party: she has no right to how you spend your money or your time. You did nothing wrong, it just didn’t play out as she would have liked.

Courtesy apologies are all that she is entitled to, and she is out of line for pushing the issue more. Now your eyes are opened to what kind of a self-centered person SHE is.” TrainingDearest

Another User Comments:

“I think YTJ because it seems you’re making a lot of excuses, justifications for your treatment of her and her beliefs. You are treating her wedding, one of the most important events in her life, like going for coffee and by choosing to visit a friend you haven’t seen in three years over her important day, it feels like you are minimizing her value to you.

Her father didn’t go to her wedding…rather than being supportive of her, you’re using this as a justification. Just pile it all on like it’s all her fault anyway.” Mimila1111

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I didn’t attend my best friend in the world’s pre-wedding crap because of money and she understood. And a funeral is totally an acceptable reason to miss a wedding. How you feel about weddings would only make you a jerk if you said those things to her, which you say you didn’t. You’re free to have your opinions.” hwilliams0901

3 points (3 votes)
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daye 1 month ago
NTJ.... and honestly, don't expect that marriage to last....
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12. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Daughter Go To Detention?

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“My daughter Amanda (F13) has Cerebral Palsy. She is able to walk independently but cannot walk for long periods of time and cannot walk on anything other than even ground without assistance (i.e. stairs have to have rails, can’t walk on rocks/sand/etc.). She has an IEP for this – that states what she can and cannot do in PE, excursions, etc. It’s relevant to note that Amanda catches the bus home – but can only catch a specific route as the other route the school offers drops her off at a road about a mile away that has no footpath.

I got a call at work at 11 am today telling me that Amanda had spoken quite rudely to a substitute PE (gym) teacher who tried to make her climb the rock wall that her school has. Apparently, Amanda did say ‘I can’t, I have Cerebral Palsy and I have an IEP’ but when another child said ‘Yeah! Same here!’ the teacher didn’t believe her and became insistent – standing over her so Amanda told him to ‘screw off’ and wouldn’t repeat anything but ‘screw off’ until she was sent to the office.

It is in the handbook that this type of offence is a same-day after-school detention.

But when the Principal called me I said: ‘absolutely not.’ I told them that they were welcome to do a week’s worth of lunch detentions, or even schedule it so that I can change my work schedule – but absolutely not this afternoon. My husband is away for work, I have to work until 6 pm and I need Amanda to be on her regular bus because I have nobody who can drop her off at home at 4:30 when detention finishes.

They told me about the ‘late’ bus and I reminded them why Amanda couldn’t take that bus and was told: ‘well, sounds like a natural consequence to me.’ This isn’t your average kid refusing to do something, being rude and deserving a long walk home as well as detention. This is a kid that could be seriously harmed if she was made to walk that far and on that road.

The Principal told me that I was ‘making excuses’ and that Amanda needed to face consequences and I didn’t technically need to give permission – they were making me aware.

I agree that Amanda needs to face consequences for her language (which are that she’s grounded for the weekend, and has to serve any lunch detention the school gives her and apologise to the teacher for specifically her language – nothing else) – but putting her in danger is NOT right and that if they were insistent on this – I was insistent on taking my lunch break right now to drive over and pull her out for the rest of the day.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ (based on what you said you have done so far, however, I think YWBTJ if you follow some of the advice from the comments.)

This is going to be unpopular but ESH except for OP so far!

I work in a school and have the kind of responsibility where I would be the person dealing with this kind of complaint.

I think everyone is a jerk here and here’s why:

  • The teacher is obviously the jerk for not taking your daughter’s needs into account.
  • School administrators are the jerk for not providing teachers with adequate info about your daughter (unless they did and it was ignored)
  • Your daughter for her language towards the teacher.

    I’ve seen a lot of comments applauding her reaction but I’m afraid I disagree. You can advocate for yourself and refuse to do something without using that kind of language. The punishment should stand, as you can’t say that there are some situations where verbally abusing a teacher is allowed. Most schools have a zero-tolerance policy on this, as they should.

  • OP, YWBTJ if you tried to get the school to cancel your daughter’s detention.

    Yes, mistakes were made by the teacher but her reaction was also inappropriate. By all means, make enquiries about what action will be taken with regard to the supply teacher but then you need to trust that the school will follow that through.

I deal with angry parents on a daily basis who try to use their ‘parental authority’ to override teachers’ decisions, often without hearing more than their own kid’s version of events.

Schools don’t cancel detentions just because a parent doesn’t agree with them. If you don’t like the way that a school deals with discipline or trust that they will be fair when investigating incidents like these, then pull your kid out and find a different school.

Just wanted to also let you know that, if I had been dealing with you today, I would have been happy to rearrange your daughter’s detention for a more convenient day for you, given her circumstances.

Although at my school, there would have been a much harsher sanction for repeatedly telling a member of staff to ‘Screw off.'” Objective-Nobody-795

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for not advocating for her more strongly!

If this is America, you very likely have grounds to sue the school for violating her rights as a disabled person. That substitute teacher was violating her rights as a disabled person, ignoring her IEP and punishing her for advocating for herself.

The other kid lied and deserved to be punished. Amanda stood up for herself when no one else would. She shouldn’t serve a minute of detention for advocating for herself. That sub and principal need to be fired, and you shouldn’t be punishing her at all.

You should go full mama bear, document any and all evidence and threaten the principal to get a lawyer and go to the media.

The school staff repeatedly put her or threatened to put her in physical danger with regard to her disability. The substitute for trying to force her to climb the rock wall when she can’t and then physically intimidating her when she refused. The principal for trying to force her onto a late bus without appropriate accommodations and trying to make her walk home from that route.

And that’s on top of detention for advocating for her own safety. This should be a huge scandal for the school because it’s a major safety and disability rights issue. Where I live, your daughter would not have gotten in trouble for this. A conversation with the principal, yes, but not detention. And said school staff would’ve likely been fired before long if they did what the ones at her school did.

Most states, legal, and school systems in the US – even the most backwards – take disability rights and accommodations for students very, very seriously.

For all the other issues we do have with the legal system, this is still one where America has some of the strongest legal protections in the world for physically disabled children and adults. Federal and even state laws will make you bend over backwards to accommodate folks who fall under the Americans with Disabilities Act protections, and with good reason. Talk to a lawyer to have him/her write up a very strongly worded letter to the school reminding them about your daughters’ rights and their inappropriate response to this incident.

I had similarly disabled classmates in my school system growing up, and they were practically untouchable by other students and the school, even if they mouthed off over something. Here, your daughter was just standing up for herself against a bully paid by the school, only to be punished for it by the chief bully in that building.” zakiducky

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

This is the school failing you and your daughter.

I wouldn’t blame the substitute, necessarily, although some may say that is not ok, however, I stand my ground.

He is someone new that is used to kids lying or playing pranks on him, which is fair to say, pretty common. The school’s responsibility was to provide him with the roster in which the IEP was annexed and a note was next to your daughter’s name, so he could go through it. The only way he would be a jerk would be if he had all the information presented to him, but he ignored it.

I’ll offer no further input on the language and how the reactions were because I am not in their shoes and because it’s not really needed for the verdict.

Personally, I would have just asked to speak with the principal, instead of swearing, however, I have no idea how heated the situation was and what language was used.

Oh, and it should be discussed about the class clown that thought it would be funny to pretend to have the same needs as your daughter, action should be taken against him as well.

As far as I know, the school could be in real trouble for ignoring the needs of someone with medical needs, so you should check your options on how to proceed.” dreamchanter

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and the school’s at fault.

The substitute, while I get everybody thinking they’re at fault, they apparently were not made aware that this kid was ‘special needs’ and they should have been told, and there more than likely wouldn’t have been a problem then. I don’t blame the sub for thinking this way because kids are smart today and they’ve figured out how to get out of doing things they don’t want to do.

They know that schools don’t really discipline anymore and that’s the problem. And most teachers today still have that mentality that it’s just kids wanting to get out of doing something.

But this principal gave it away by not understanding your situation and also not wanting to work with you. There shouldn’t have been any punishment because it should have been understood why things happened the way they did.

But no, they gave themselves away by blaming your daughter instead of offering an apology and trying to come up with ways to make sure it doesn’t happen again. They know they’re at fault and the fault is that the sub was not told beforehand that there was going to be a special needs kid in the class. That’s not the sub’s fault and it shows the school is at fault.

More likely, the fault lies with the P.E. coach who should have had it in their notes for the sub that day. That’s why the principal is trying to save face, by blaming your daughter.

I would contact the school board and let them know what all happened. It needs to be noted. Keep an eye out for any other incidents like this, because if it continued, then you know you’ll need to change schools in the future. NTJ.” Pinkieforty

3 points (3 votes)
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DebbyT 1 month ago
Follow the advice in the first answer from 'nobody 95'. Do that, THEN contact an attorney to simply write the school a strongly worded letter. The school is absolutely in violation of the 1995 Americans with Disabilities Act. This is serious, as their neglect not only affects your family, but others, as well. If they ignore your daughter's disability, they will do the same with others. Go now.
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11. AITJ For Telling My Sister My Oldest Daughter Will Not Be In Her Wedding?

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“My sister (35f) is getting married this summer. For the sake of total transparency, I am considering not attending because we had a fight, which led to mostly non-contact (with the exception of seeing her once and then her reaching out to me regarding the topic of this post), a couple of years ago and I don’t expect anything to change. Despite us not being close she reached out and asked for our oldest daughter to be in her wedding as a junior bridesmaid come older flower girl.

Just the oldest girl. We have five kids.

Her relationship with my kids, specifically my two daughters, is part of the reason we fought in the first place. She was all about how cute, pretty, sweet, and adorable the oldest is and just generally fawned all over her, while never ever paying that kind of attention to my younger daughter or my boys. I asked her to stop.

I reminded her that the other kids could hear, and so could my oldest, and I didn’t want her to place all her value in how she looked, but my sister refused to stop. My final straw and what led to our fight was my youngest straight up asked her if she looked as pretty and my sister ignored her entirely and kept saying how pretty my oldest was.

I took her aside and told her she was not being kind with all those comments. She argued back that my oldest is the one who’ll be admired for her looks her whole life and we need to learn to accept that. I told her she had used her last chance and to leave my family alone until she can realize how wrong she was.

This is the reason I’m not even sure we’ll go.

But her asking for my oldest to be in the wedding set off alarm bells that she will pull the same crap, and might even go more overboard because she’ll get to decide how she dresses and what her hair would look like. I said no without considering it. To me, it feels icky given the context.

My sister is mad and my parents think it’s wrong to deprive my oldest of the choice because I never asked her if she’d like to.

My sister said her wedding day would be perfect with my daughter there and I’m spoiling it and punishing her for petty reasons.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Dear OP you are not in the wrong. You are NTJ on your part. Plus, your kids deserve not to be exposed to any negativity from your sister.

From what you said about how your sister would compliment your oldest child’s looks while never ever paying that kind of attention to your younger daughter or your sons, that is a red flag coming from her as an aunt.

A good aunt will always be generous with her love and compliments on all her nieces and nephews but this does not apply to your sister.

Plus what your sister did is not just playing favorites (very uncool) but also she is trying to ruin your other children’s self-worth and self-esteem in the long run (again it is not cool to screw up those kids) while trying to mislead your oldest child that her self-worth alone is based on her looks. Glad you quickly nipped this in the bud.

Don’t feel bad that you chose not to let your oldest child go to the wedding (after all, if the oldest is the only one invited to be the flower girl while the other siblings aren’t part of the wedding well it is obvious your sister is playing favorites again).

Moving forward, it’s time you go no contact on her and if the kids ask what is going on, well, just be honest with them and don’t sugarcoat anything.” KangarooOk2190

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but depending on the age of your oldest, it might be a solid learning opportunity for her.

If she’s a super thoughtful mature adolescent or 13+ years old then getting practice thinking through and understanding this kind of nuanced empathy and trade-offs situation could be super useful to her growth.

You’d need to be prepared to explain the full context and potential consequences in terms that she understands and be prepared to check in with her throughout the explanation, answer all her questions, and it might take multiple conversations.

Then you’d need to be prepared for her to make a choice that’s not what you’d choose and then to help her navigate and later reflect on that choice and whatever consequences follow.

You and your other children should probably still not attend the wedding regardless of your eldest’s choice given your valid concern for the younger kids’ wellbeing; however, if they’re all old enough to participate in the conversation then it might be able to become a team bonding and learning experience for everyone. Can they identify and talk through comments and behaviors to call out for themselves and each other what’s healthy and what’s toxic?

I definitely understand and support you prioritizing protecting your kids, just want to mention that depending on where they’re at developmentally that this might be a great opportunity to help them learn to protect and care for themselves and each other.

Good luck!” deadlugosi

3 points (3 votes)
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Somebody 1 month ago
NTJ. Stick with your values. You are doing great with your kids!
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10. AITJ For Telling A Parent I Don't Want Them Back At My Preschool?

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“So for context, my mom and I run an in-home preschool. We have 4 kids, sometimes 6, but off and on. Anyways, I had a family emergency on a Friday (2 weeks ago) where I had to run around town almost all day so I left my mom in charge because we had 2 kids (supposed to have 4) but enter the issue. A parent comes in without her kids and takes the bag she had left and tells my sister in law who was at my house because of the emergency (my mom was using the bathroom) and told her she only wanted to talk to me but I wasn’t there so she said she’d call me.

I get told this and immediately reach out to the parent to see what’s going on, and she doesn’t pick up the call so I text. Takes her a few hours to respond and all she tells me is she has some issues and she’ll call me later to discuss them.

I get no call and I don’t hear from her so the weekend goes by and we are into Monday evening.

I hear nothing and she doesn’t drop off, so call again, no answer so I text. Takes her until Wednesday to answer and only with the kids won’t be there Thursday. Finally, Friday comes around and she texts me telling me she was upset because my mom had her kiddo sit on the couch while she made her bed since she was the only one there and didn’t want to leave her unattended.

She told me it was inappropriate for her kid to be by my mom’s bed…

And she was mad because I wasn’t at my house on Friday and that’s why she took so long to talk to me even though she knows I only work half a day on Fridays so I wouldn’t have been there regardless and told her I’m always available by phone or text or email.

I tell her I’ll be sending her a final invoice which she said she won’t pay since her kids weren’t at preschool for a week.

(Mind you they came the week before and she pays every 2 weeks) she says instead she wants to come back and is willing to ‘forgive’ me. I said I’m following through with the termination.

So AITJ for terminating her care? I don’t feel she handled it well at all and I don’t feel comfortable with her accusations and mistrust but according to her I left her in a big bind so maybe I am being TJ.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – that level of crazy is a literal threat to your business.

This is a home daycare, not an accredited educational facility. It’s completely normal for children in home daycares to be present while normal chores are being done and to even have that exposure used as a teaching opportunity. Cleaning up after snacks? Here’s your wet wipe! Let’s make this mess go away! This is, and I cannot stress the point enough, completely normal healthy behavior in a home daycare setting.

It is also why a lot of people choose home daycares so that their children are not in an institutional environment, but in a HOME ENVIRONMENT while they are away from them.

This parent’s behavior is wildly inappropriate. The no-show or refusal to communicate alone are reasons for termination, but it’s sooo much more than that.

This woman made a thinly veiled accusation of inappropriate behavior/impropriety because of completely normal things to occur in a home daycare setting, and during an emergency situation in which one of the carers who would normally cover the gap for household chores was not present.

This situation is a liability. She needs to find other care solutions.

Never underestimate the capacity of crazy to mess your stuff up.” CatteHerder

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

I swear, there are some people who don’t understand the word ’emergency’. I’m getting flashbacks to a dog-walking client who complained that I should have ‘planned ahead’ and given them 24 hours’ notice when I literally texted them from the ER with cardiac symptoms (I’m fine, btw! Not that they asked!).

The best part was that they didn’t even complain to ME – they complained to the friend who referred me to them! Because in their mind that made her my boss, I guess?

Anyway, based on the timeline you described, this lady got in about your mom making her bed? Or maybe she just found a cheaper childcare provider and is making excuses. She tried out this cheaper provider for the next few days, which is why her kids aren’t there… and now, the cheaper provider has fallen through, which is why she made up a bull crap transgression that she ‘forgives’ you for.

Everyone who thinks you’re the jerk has clearly never dealt with entitled clients.” DeVitreousHumor

Another User Comments:

“NTJ But I do kind of agree that if you’re getting paid to have these kids at your house and to watch them and teach them then you shouldn’t be doing house chores at that time.

You or your mom as she is part of this shouldn’t do household chores while watching these kids. Sure dishes if you’re feeding them but if your mom is getting paid to watch these kids and to be a preschool then that’s not the appropriate time to make her bed. If she’s not the one watching them and it’s you then that’s completely fine. But if it’s your mom watching these kids at that time, she should not be doing personal chores at that time.

In your first sentence though you did put that it’s you and your mom that run this preschool. So all the parents know that you and your mom are the ones running this so even if you’re not there, the mom that’s also in charge and the parents know is part of the preschool is there watching the kids, it’s completely fine. The mom is completely overreacting to that part as you are not the only one in charge and you have a partner.” afk_scorpio66

3 points (3 votes)
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ankn 1 month ago
I disagree with afk_scorpio66. This is a HOME daycare. There is no reason the kids shouldn't see a caretaker making the beds. If those kids were at their own home with a SAHM they'd see her making beds and doing plenty of other chores, and everybody would be fine with it.
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9. AITJ For Drinking The Booze My Friend And I Were Going To Share?

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“I (26F) have a complicated friendship with Marla (26F). We were best friends for years until we had a falling out, didn’t speak for a year, and only recently started hanging out again.

Back when we were really good friends, she broke up with her long-term partner. It was a messy breakup and they lived together for a while after. I was at their place one day helping her pack when she grabbed a bottle of rum and handed it to me.

She said that her dad had given her ex a really expensive bottle of rum for Christmas and she wanted me to have it instead.

She suggested we could share it when we graduated as we were both in our first year of college. So I took it home and kept it. I’m sure she gave it to me to spite her ex and not because she cared about the rum, especially since she never brought it up again.

Two years later we stopped talking after an argument.

We had both been getting on each other’s nerves, so it was actually pretty amicable. We didn’t speak for over a year. At that time I dropped out of college and got married. At the after-party on our wedding night, I figured it was a worthy enough occasion since I no longer intended to graduate and brought out the rum. Between everyone at the party we finished the bottle, which I kept with the rest of my collection of empty bottles.

I’ve been married for six months now, Marla and I reconnected a little over a month ago.

I invited her over for the first time this past weekend. I was making our drinks in the kitchen when she noticed the empty rum bottle on top of my fridge. She asked me about it and I told her honestly that I drank it on my wedding night. She didn’t say anything else about it that night.

The next day she texted me that she was upset at me because I drank the rum we were supposed to share someday.

I tried to explain my reasoning which turned into a long debate. AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

The rum was a gift to you, so you had the right to do with it what you wished. You made a social pact to share the rum with her upon a special occasion that will not occur simultaneously since you dropped out of school.

You describe the argument (second of two that led to radio silence for a year before reuniting) as mutually annoying and ‘actually pretty amicable.’ The likelihood of you becoming friends again at that point was pretty high.

If you cracked the bottle open without a thought of her at all and made no grand announcement to your bridesmaids about Marla supplying the rum, rest easy.

If you were a poor college dropout bride, and this was the best liquor in the house, it makes sense that you share it at the after-party.

It would have been really classy to call Marla for a meet-up upon her graduation and either share it or offer it back. That would require grace on your part, and she would have the option to decline.

Rum, unlike wine, does not improve with age, so buying a second bottle is an even replacement if you choose to do that.

Since you saved the bottle for your collection, you could easily do that.” GladysKravitz21

Another User Comments:

“NTJ you did nothing wrong, she probably just feels left out. Just make a note to her that you drinking on the wedding night means some part of her was there with you or something, then suggest you go out together to get a drink to share maybe?” IntellectualChar

Another User Comments:

“ESH This is such a silly argument. Things changed, you didn’t know if the plan would ever happen so you drank it without thinking she might still remember the original plan.

If you want to keep your friendship why not make a yearly celebration where you do something fun together, if she wants to stay friends then a bottle will not ruin that.” Royal-Space-Pirate

3 points (3 votes)
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Alliaura 1 month ago
NTJ BUT Buy a new bottle. Just do it.
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8. AITJ For Not Moving On The Bus?

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“For context, I live in the UK in one of the major cities.

So, I (27F) got on the bus with my daughter (1) a few days ago. Obviously, she is still in a stroller so I always sit next to where I park her stroller on the bus as she is currently suffering separation anxiety and we are going to be on this bus for a decent amount of time (45 minutes to an hour depending on traffic).

As we get further into the journey the downstairs area on the bus very quickly fills up, there is a wheelchair in the space across from me on the bus.

There is a space next to me & one more seat a little further up the bus left. At some point, this lady, I’d say in her late 50s, tries to get on with a pet carrier. It’s one of those stroller-style carriers on wheels. The driver tells her she can’t get on as there isn’t enough space.

She pitches an absolute fit, screaming that she can see a space for the dog & that I should just move.

I tell her that I won’t be doing that as my daughter is now sleeping & I’m not going to move to the back of the bus away from my sleeping child to allow a stranger to sit next to her, especially in a place where I wouldn’t be able to see her.

She then says that since I am younger than her I can always stand behind the buggy.

Now, unfortunately, I am not able to since I have an injured hip & back from an accident I had when I was younger & since I was pregnant those injuries have gotten much worse. So I can struggle to stand on a bus because there isn’t much support & I usually end up in a lot more pain by the time I get off the bus.

I kindly explain to her that I’m sorry but I am unable to do that.

She then decides that she is going to try to make the driver come to make me move so she can get on the bus. After she continues to scream at me & the driver, a gentleman offers to move so that she can be closer to the dog. This still isn’t good enough & she demands that I move.

I continue to tell her that that won’t happen & after delaying the bus by a good 5-10 minutes the driver tells her to wait for the next bus.

Which would have been there in around 5/6 minutes.

When I spoke about this with a family member later on that day I was told that I was out of line because she is older than me & I should have sucked it up & stood up to let her on which I disagree with.

So, am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“Your age isn’t a free card to act rude.

NTJ. At the end of the day you were in the designated space on the bus you were meant to be in, not in the wheelchair space like some parents do and you have a disability so couldn’t stand. The woman was getting on with a dog in a buggy which is ridiculous in the first place and then expects you to stand so she can sit her dog in a pram in a space designed for babies.

That woman was rude and crazy! It wasn’t like it was a service dog and you were taking up the only space and it couldn’t get on, the next bus was in 5mins. If the space for buggies was used by an actual baby she should have had the common sense and manners to wait on the next one or not be ridiculous and travel with a dog in a pram in the first place so she could get on any bus and have first dibs on a priority seat given her age.” Sunnymum93

Another User Comments:

“No.

Sorry but 50s isn’t old enough to be given a pass for behavior like this. If she can handle a dog in a stroller, she can handle waiting 5 minutes. Your injury is irrelevant (no offense), asking a mother to leave their child unattended on a bus is beyond unreasonable. I am one of those gremlins who dislikes kids and pram privileges, and even I frequently swap my seats to enable a parent and child to sit together because no child should be stuck next to a stranger on a bus.

It’s just basic manners and also, you know, safeguarding.

If your daughter had cried, I’m sure she’d have had plenty to say about that as well. Some people just hate their lives and want to scream at someone or something, and you were what she picked that day. I’m sorry for that, but try not to take it to heart. You did nothing wrong, and it should do her good to get thwarted once in a while.

She probably constantly attacks people who don’t have legal protection as you do and relies on people’s discomfort to get away with it.

NTJ at all.” HiddenDestiny251

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, which I say as an old lady, and former major city dweller. If she decided to try and get on buses with that sort of carrier then she has to accept there’s probably going to be issues and she may not be able to get the first bus that comes.

Especially on a crowded bus you really don’t want to be too far from your child as even about 3 feet away could mean 2-3 people between you and your child. I have mobility issues but never pick on a likely person to get them to give me their seat as I don’t know what their personal health issues are. Mobility or internal health problems cannot be read from the face of a seated healthy-looking person.

I often get offered a seat and, if not, will carefully get down to the available seat, hanging onto any pole on the way to it, if I have to. Yes, I have rights but so do other people. It very occasionally means having to go to the back of the bus with a wheeled shopper (I’m not strong enough to carry reasonable amounts of shopping anymore) and it makes me sad that I slightly block the aisle with that but if people, who could offer a seat without causing themselves problems, won’t offer their front seat then what can I do? I shop outside peak hours as it is to try and avoid obviously crowded transport times.” cynical_old_mare

3 points (3 votes)
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rbleah 1 month ago
No way in hell I would be farther away from my child than NEXT TO THAT CHILD. That old bat/karen needs to get her head out of her........ YOU ARE NOT THE JERK
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7. AITJ For Offending My Manager?

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“I’m a student of engineering in biotechnology, and right now I’m spending my internship at a large pharma company. I’m part of an investment project to build a new production line that could increase our capacity. Sadly this internship position doesn’t really complement my studies. I’m a chemistry nerd and I like calculative problems, but I need to deal with project management and robotics-related tasks on a daily basis.

My internship ends in 3 weeks, and I need to find a bachelor’s project for myself, which is going to be the last step of my education.

My thoughts kept revolving around my thesis since the beginning of my internship. I had an idea which I presented around 2 months ago to my manager, but he didn’t like it and said that I should do something that’s more ‘engineer’.

I agreed with him, but I expressed that I might need a little bit of help to find something because my network is very limited. He invited one of my direct colleagues to the conversation and asked him to help me.

Approximately 6 weeks have passed and I was openly hunting for a bachelor’s project. Everybody knew about it, including my managers. I have fully exploited my network but sadly only one opportunity popped up at a different department.

This opportunity would be about a revolutionary analytical technology, that could significantly accelerate production. I was super excited about this opportunity and I immediately wrote an email to my manager that I have an offer, I like it, but sadly it would mean that I need to leave the current investment project. I finished my mail that I would like to discuss it with him.

Yesterday he called me and he expressed his disappointment that I would just leave so easily.

He expressed that he feels left out of the decision and he at least expected me to discuss it with him. My argument was that I don’t necessarily want to leave the investment project, but I don’t have any other options on my table. The clock is ticking and I need to find a project. I also expressed that my plan was to carry out my bachelor’s project about this new technology at the other department, then bring back the knowledge to our investment project where we also want to implement this analytical tool.

His response was that ‘this plan is very uncertain, and many things can happen until then’. He further expressed that he believes in long-term relations, but if I want to go to another department just after 5 months, ‘then good luck.’

I clearly offended him, but I don’t know where was I wrong. I was openly looking for a bachelor’s project. I even had a private discussion with my manager about 2 months ago that I need help.

I presented my own idea, but he didn’t like it and wanted me to do something else. From that point, I got introduced to several different departments, and one of the departments offered an opportunity for me. It seems interesting and compliments my studies perfectly. What could I have done differently?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Your manager is correct in some ways. Long-term relationships are important in the work world.

But you aren’t in the work world. You’re in academia.

Managers worry about resources. That’s what they do. He sees that he’s losing a resource that bears little cost. If he was to replace you, he’d have to bear that cost. He may have some honest interest in your education, but it may only be contingent upon you as an asset.

One of the joys of being young is the enthusiasm for new things.

This new project seems to fulfill that. You are correct, you can leave your current position temporarily and return as a more valuable asset. Unfortunately, he’s trapped by short-term thinking. His reaction is just a hissy fit because he is, ironically, not considering your long-term relationship.” bolshoich

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Yeah, you’re definitely not in the wrong here. It seems like your manager was trying for a guilt trip so he wouldn’t have to deal with the headache of replacing you.

You were transparent about your goals and any decent manager would have seen your departure coming, especially after shooting down an idea that would’ve meant you stayed with the team. Don’t sweat it and do what’s best for you.” KaeporaGaepora

Another User Comments:

“You have done nothing wrong, that he now feels offended is on him. Maybe he is worried about what it will look like when he cannot even provide a thesis for you, who knows.

Switching departments in big companies is not uncommon. You have to do what’s best for you and as a manager, he should be able to handle that situation with a bit more grace. NTJ.” Riccsi

User Updates:

“I didn’t mention a small drama that happened to me in the initial post, because that doesn’t really represent any value to the full story, but I had a 2nd phone call from my manager where he brought up the topic.

Around 10 days ago I had a very memorable welcome because I found my desk completely cleaned up, with all my belongings being tossed away onto a nearby shelf. There was a welcome letter for a new employee on my desk and nobody gave me any heads-up about the situation. In my culture this is disrespectful and a violation of personal space. If someone from management sent me an email, saying that ‘look, your internship ends soon, and we have some space limitations, and we would like to give your desk to a new employee’, my honest response to that would be that ‘I understand the situation, let me clean my desk and he can have it, no problem’.

My manager brought up the topic, saying that however I interpret the situation, it doesn’t mean that I’m not welcome to the team. He also has a desk, and everybody is free to use that. I know it’s not always smart to argue with people who are 10 career steps ahead of you, but I couldn’t keep my opinion to myself. I said to him, with all respect, that I feel there is a difference between using someone else’s desk, tossing someone’s belongings away, and putting a welcome letter to someone, without giving any notification in advance.

His response was that ‘you should grow some skin and not be that soft. Let’s move on.’

Additionally to the first post, I came up with the idea that I would accept the thesis offer from the other department, but refuse their proposal for the student assistant position, so I could stay in the investment project and work on something that’s more complementary to my education. When I mentioned my idea, he immediately rejected it, saying that he has been in the corporate world for 28 years, and he knows really well how these things are going, and it would never work out.

Instead, he offered his own bachelor’s project for me which would not be bad at all, but nowhere near as complete as the other thesis from the other department. He would basically want me to look at a complex data structure that was collected by a smart device and try to find some correlation between real-life scenarios and the data presented. The project description had several grammar mistakes, and no editing whatsoever, and the general feeling of the idea was that someone was just rushing with this to quickly give something to me.

I asked for a little bit of time to think about the proposals, to which he agreed, but warned me that if I don’t accept his offer, he would never employ students ever again. I didn’t say anything to that, but this behavior is manipulative and I think crosses a limit.

The next morning I had a phone call with my future manager. She is an incredibly sweet lady, and she started the conversation by apologizing in the name of the company (we are talking about a company with nearly 50k employees).

She expressed that things are usually not handled like this at this company and here is the current situation: she assured me that based on the events that have happened in the past few days, I could accept my current manager’s offer and there would be no bad blood between anybody. She added that she would still like to employ me at the other department, but of course, she understands if I wanted to stay.

My response to that was that I of course want to get the heck away from this guy as soon as possible, and if he succeeds to interfere anyhow, by using the power of his title, then I would quit the company as a whole because I don’t want to work in a toxic environment like this. She assured me that she has already taken action with HR regarding that, and it is not going to happen.

I, of course, accepted her offer and seems like things are moving to a more professional manner. I spoke to my manager in person, and it was like things have taken a 180° turn. He was friendly, smiling, and even called me his friend, and assured me that we will take care of the paperwork, I don’t need to worry about anything. My internship ends on the 30th of June, and I can start at the other department immediately the next day.

I definitely feel like I need to improve on not blaming myself for conflicts because now I also see that I wasn’t the jerk. My manager (or one of his assistants) violated my personal space, disrespected me by handing over my desk to another employee (who by the way didn’t even start his employment yet) without letting me know in the first place, and his response to the whole situation was that I should not be that soft.

When he mentioned that he is not going to employ students anymore, he tried to influence my decision, which exploits the definition of emotional blackmailing. I feel like I have offered a win-win solution by staying in his project as a student assistant, and possibly bringing some knowledge from the other department, but he rejected it immediately – and he acted out of pride in that situation if you ask me.” DaveeTheRipper

3 points (3 votes)
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Alliaura 1 month ago
NTJ butvwow what a man baby! Rin to the other position ASAP.
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6. AITJ For Not Talking To My Dad To Mend Our Relationship?

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“I (22F) am going out of the country to study. While juggling finishing my notice period at my full-time job, wrapping up my night classes after finals, getting my student visa, and applying for scholarships at my university, I’m completely swamped. My mom supports me however she can by giving me food and snacks when I forget (I forget a lot) but my dad has been telling me things like I’ll miss him and I’ll beg to talk to him and I’ll want to lean on him and I think that’s how anxious he is about me leaving.

I’m the only child in the family who is going out of the country to study and for some reason, my dad thinks I’m going to escape. I assure him I’m not, and honestly, I’m too tired to entertain his daily anxiety rants.

My student visa got rejected so I had to scramble to get the necessary documents to reapply asap. This took days and nights and consistent double-checking.

Yesterday I was going through the required documents with my university coordinator (through email) when my dad started again. I said ‘not now, please’ but he took that as a sign to raise his voice and accuse me that I’ll leave the family. At that moment I snapped and told him I won’t call or text him the whole time I’m overseas because he’s stressing me the heck out, and if he wants updates he has to get them from my mom.

He stopped his charade and left the room.

It’s been a few weeks and I’m done with my full-time job and things are settled for now but my dad refused to talk to me. Honestly, I’m too angry and tired to try to mend things. My mom is urging me to talk to him before I fly, but he has been saying these things on repeat every day ever since I got a scholarship from my university.

I’m so tired. I think if I try to talk to him I’ll cry and won’t stop crying. My dad has always trauma-dumped on me and treated me like I was his mom more than my own mom. AITJ if I choose not to talk to him?”

Another User Comments:

“Absolutely NTJ.

I went no contact with my father years ago, and he would (maybe still is?) regularly complain to others about how unfair I was being.

One day, my brother lost his last shred of patience. He told him: If my daughter stopped speaking to me, I wouldn’t be telling other people about it. I would humbly ask her how she was feeling, find out what I’d done wrong, sincerely apologize, then never do it again. So if you’re not interested in doing that, fine, but shut up.

Sounds like your dad is cut from the same cloth.

Enjoy your time abroad and remember, it is HIS job to apologize. Not yours. You did nothing wrong.” TemperatureTight465

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

My parents used to do this kind of stuff all the time too.

I was once grounded for being on the porch without permission.

For me, my parents misunderstood codependency for healthy normal family relationships and they were so afraid I would get hurt or become independent from them that they became super controlling.

If your situation is similar to mine, leaving home and becoming independent will be an amazing and eye-opening experience for you, but a difficult and frustrating experience for them. They may claim you are turning your back on them, and your finding happiness is ultimately hurting them.

No matter what, you becoming independent and finding yourself is never a bad thing. Don’t let anyone put you down for pursuing your own happiness.” pthepuff

3 points (3 votes)
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rbleah 1 month ago
NTJ Sounds like Daddy wants a perpetual child he can control. Ain't gonna happen, you grew up and now he can't stand it. Go get an education and independence. Don't kowtow to him.
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5. AITJ For Not Talking To My Dad's Side Of The Family?

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“I (18F) have been struggling with the way my dad treats my mom’s side of the family for years but I might be able to put an end to it. My dad (46M) and mom (40F) have been married for 21 years; I was born/raised in an Asian country but we moved to another continent when I was 13. Being away from your family’s terrible, and that’s why it’s so important to keep in contact, call, text, send pictures, and…

My father and my grandparents (mom’s parents) haven’t been talking since years ago because of a silly fight. For years my grandma used to come to see me and leave before my dad came home because she didn’t want any drama. I know my grandparents well enough to know that they would forget about these 8 years if he tried to talk to them or reach out in any way because they want my mom to be happy but my dad doesn’t even try to do anything about it.

My mom doesn’t say anything anymore because it’s pointless and she already knows the outcome.

My grandparents always ask how my dad’s doing when they call but my dad doesn’t seem to care. He is different when it comes to his mother and siblings. He calls all of them at least twice a week to say he misses them. It breaks my heart every time he calls them for New Year’s or celebrates birthdays with them but doesn’t even send a ‘happy new year’ text to anyone from my mother’s side of the family.

His main issue is with my grandparents so he’s actually ok with my mother’s siblings (still only when my mom calls, he might say hi but that’s it).

A few months ago, I started communicating with my dad’s side of the family a little less than before. I would never go as far as not talking to them but I’ve been talking to them strictly ONLY on special occasions.

Therefore, I try to call my other grandma who only has 3 grandkids (all of them in other countries) a lot more to make her feel better. My dad’s behavior doesn’t affect my mom’s, she’s always respectful/kind to every one of our family members regardless of what ‘side’ they are. I once overheard her talking to her sister, saying she’s afraid my grandparents won’t come to visit because they feel unwelcome and that really broke my heart cuz I haven’t seen them in years.

My dad has noticed and I told him he has to stop the feud between him and my grandparents, he said ‘How can you do this? These people are your family.’ All I said was, ‘And my grandparents aren’t yours?’

My dad’s family is way bigger so they don’t even notice any change, I have 21 other cousins, I still talk to them, I don’t have a problem with them.

My dad is trying to make me feel bad but nobody is upset about this except for him and I want him to acknowledge how crappy it is. He is a good person and I love him. And this fight between him and my grandparents wasn’t entirely his fault but considering he’s been ignoring them throughout the years while he could let it go, he should apologize.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but not talking to your dad’s parents is not a great way to get back at your dad for being crappy to your mom’s parents.

It punishes the wrong people.

This sounds like one of these long-standing family feud-type things that, unfortunately, is common in families and it isn’t really your job to fix. So the best solution is likely to just tell your dad you think he’s being the jerk here and how it hurts your feelings and then drop it. There isn’t more you can do.” friendly_cub

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You’re reducing contact with paternal relatives as a means to coerce your father into changing his behavior toward your maternal relatives.

This is controlling behavior.

You control your relationship with others. Your father is in charge of his relationship with others. You need to accept that. There’s nothing wrong with telling your father that you’re hurt by his estrangement from your maternal grandparents, but the choice to continue or discontinue the estrangement is his, not yours.

In-law relationships are complicated. Perhaps you’ll understand that when/if you have in-laws of your own.” JustAskMe_I-mRight

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Something I think kids struggle with is growing up and realizing our parents are just human, as humans they have their own set of flaws and negatives. We all figure that out on our own terms. Except for momma’s boys, I guess.

So yeah, you’re trying to teach your dad a lesson and there’s nothing wrong with that, just don’t let it spite you as well. I know you said his side is large, but don’t distance yourself too much. Family is family.” Krakengreyjoy

2 points (2 votes)
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ankn 1 month ago
YTJ. Don't treat relatives differently because of what your dad does. Treat them as they deserve from their own behavior.
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4. AITJ For Not Letting My Mom's Husband Act As Father Of The Bride?

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“I have known my mom’s husband since I was 15, 5 years after my dad died. I’m now 25 and engaged. My mom’s husband has a daughter but he hasn’t seen her in years. After he broke up with her mom, she pushed him out in favor of her mom’s new husband, and my mom’s husband fought in court and was given shared custody and all, but his daughter rejected it and eventually was old enough to make the decision to not spend time with her dad.

My mom met him after his daughter told him she wanted her stepdad to be her real dad and didn’t want him around anymore. The only time he spoke to her after he met my mom was when she wanted money for high school graduation. I think because of his hurt he latched onto the idea that the two of us would be super close. For me, he was never a father figure.

I always saw him as my mom’s husband. He’s nice. But I’m not comfortable with doing father/daughter anything with someone else. I love and miss my dad and just can’t imagine another person taking over that role.

My mom is walking me down the aisle alongside my fiancé’s mom walking him. We also want to do a mom-daughter dance. My mom’s husband is upset I didn’t ask him to do any of that father-of-the-bride stuff.

His parents are outraged. They told me I need to be more compassionate when I know what he has been through with his daughter, and they feel I should be more honored by him wanting to step up and be there for me in that capacity. They won’t stop trying to tell me they think I’m wrong. My mom’s husband is aware of what’s going on with his parents.

He has heard them say some of the stuff to me. He told them to stop once. But mostly he just looks at me hopefully, like maybe hoping their words will make me ask him.

I have been told I lack compassion, and am being insensitive, cold, callous, and mean. My mom has never been involved in any of this but she knows he was hurt. She was trying to support him while also being here with me and has never asked or pushed me to make him the father of the bride.

But part of me is feeling worn down enough to question if I’m wrong here.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

It is YOUR wedding. It is YOUR choice who has responsibilities at your wedding. It is YOUR choice who walks you down the aisle.

It is not about him at all. And he is making it all about him.

It’s not your responsibility to repair the damage of what he experienced with his daughter.

It is not your responsibility to act as an honorary daughter because he doesn’t have a relationship with his.

It is completely disgusting his parents have behaved this way towards you. And it is completely disgusting and toxic that you have been labeled as ‘cold’, ‘lacking in compassion’ etc.… Reminder: you are none of those adjectives.

What they are saying isn’t about you, please remember that. It sounds like they are offloading feelings from the daughter not wanting her dad in her life and are now shoveling a whole load of responsibility that is not yours on your shoulders.

It is every stepchild’s choice what the relationship is with their stepparent/spouse of their parent.

My dad and stepdad are in my life.

My stepdad came into my life when I was 18 and my bro was 15. He has however been more like a dad to me than my own dad who is more like an extra child I have to look after. My brother hated my stepdad to begin with because of his own mental health issues. My stepdad recently did a reading at his wedding and sat at the parents’ table with my mum and dad.

I personally will be having no one walk me down the aisle and if I did, it would be my mum. Every step-parent, step-child relationship is different. Even within the same family.

You lost your dad. You didn’t choose to not have him in your life. And it makes complete sense why you would want your mum to walk you down the aisle. But also, even if it didn’t make sense, it is YOUR choice because it is YOUR wedding.” wavesandwanes

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A CHILD DOES NOT MAKE YOU AUTOMATICALLY A STEPPARENT.

No one is entitled to force themselves into a parental role if the child won’t see it that way. It doesn’t matter if the person in question is there for years. You can still have a good relationship with your parent’s partner without seeing them as a step-parent.

My father also died when I was 10.

My mother has been with her partner for 5 years. I like him but I do not regard him as a stepfather as I find it an insult to my father’s memory and my mother looked after me on her own for about 7-8 years.

We had dads OP, no one gets to replace them.” HattieTheSwann

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

While I feel for your stepdad you are not a replacement daughter.

He lost his and it sucks but trying to manipulate you to take her place…. it was never going to end well, was it. And at 15 you were almost adult, how much raising could he have been involved in before you were out of the house? I would really struggle to see him as anyone but my mother’s husband if it was me, regardless of how much he tried.

Maybe it’s unfair but it is what it is, you can’t force feelings that aren’t there.

And it’s not like you are being mean or even disrespectful, his parents just perceive it like that because their son is hurt. Doesn’t give them the right to berate and harass you though. Do as you please with your wedding; involve him if YOU want… but know you are not the jerk if you don’t. Good luck.” Remruna

Another User Comments:

“ESH.

It really depends on whether you want to be kind, I guess. Putting aside your personal view of whether he feels like a dad to you or not, if the event of having him or your mum walk you down the aisle isn’t really that significant to you, maybe you can consider doing him that kindness? If he’s a good man like you said.” JacobFire

2 points (4 votes)
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rbleah 1 month ago
I want to know WHY his daughter cut all contact with him. How good of a father was he? You? NTJ. You get to choose these things for your wedding.
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3. AITJ For Commenting On My Partner's Spending Habits?

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“I (24F) am living together with my partner, Steve (23M). We delegate bills proportionately to our salary.

I pay my part(s) on time but Steve doesn’t. Every time around the end of the month, Steve comes to me and asks for me to cover for him. I do. I didn’t want to nitpick about every single dollar and I can afford it. The more important thing is that Steve pays me back as soon as he gets paid.

To give you a bit of background – spending large amounts in one go isn’t my thing.

Steve, on the other hand, is the opposite of me. Right now he’s buying stuff for upgrades for his PC and that’s why he hasn’t been able to fully cover expenses monthly.

More background – Steve owes me some amount for an emergency medical procedure that he had yet to pay for. Because of this outstanding debt, I had my reservations about his constant spending on his PC stuff.

However, a) that is HIS spending, and b) it’s not like I need the money immediately. I was honest about how I felt, my overall opinion is: that’s your choice so I’ll respect it.

Recently, however, I haven’t been comfortable with my personal finances due to emergency expenses (car issues, miscellaneous stuff). I’ve expressed this to Steve and he understood. Or, at least I thought he understood because by the end of next week he was telling me about his calculations on how his spending will go, how he won’t be able to cover for everything.

I was reluctant but didn’t really want to say no as I never want money to be a point of tension between us.

Then, even more recently, he had a revised plan of action – he wants to finish building his PC asap and would like to have some loan for the parts & bills. At this point, I grew tired and didn’t really know how to vocalize what I felt, but I tried.

I explained how I don’t understand why he’s prioritizing his PC build over his current responsibilities (i.e., his contribution to the household).

I explained how I don’t even know if I can even rely on him for financial matters if I need it, considering he does this every month. And, this is where I admit I was a bit of a jerk, I made a comment about how I can’t understand how he could ask for more constantly when he already owes me what he’s promised to pay this year (after finishing his PC build, of course), and that perhaps I should start charging interest.

Steve then responded that if that’s the case, he’ll postpone his every plan and just start paying me back if that’s what I want.

It was implied but never explicitly stated that he blames me for putting off the purchase of his PC build/upgrade because immediately after our conversation he wired me some funds with a note of ‘happy now?’

I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know if I have the right to feel annoyed over his spending habits, or the right to say the words I said, but I did and now I’m wondering – AITJ in this situation?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but it sounds like you’re not holding strong boundaries.

He can suck it up and wait for a new computer monitor or whatever, until AFTER he pays his bills on time and after he pays you back for HIS medical procedure.

I would be incensed. It’s not about needing the money, it’s about expecting someone to handle their finances like an adult!” VulcanDiver

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – your situation is yet another example of why money complicates matters in a relationship.

When he is spending your money (and it is since he owes you) on stuff he doesn’t necessarily need then of course you’re going to feel entitled to have a say on how he spends money. It’s only a natural response.

To me, it sounds like he wasn’t taking his responsibilities seriously enough and you gave him a bit of a wake-up call.” Zagriel55

Another User Comments:

“I would say you are a lot nicer than most would be, you and Steve are not paying the same in rent and bills but being nice by making it proportional to your incomes. Unless the upgrade to his PC is work-related/needed as in it will increase his income then now that is ‘him wanting it and not saving up’. I would start telling Steve any of the fixed bills need to be paid right when he gets paid. He needs to learn to budget.

And NTJ.” Kestra_Safire

2 points (2 votes)
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daye 1 month ago
NTJ.... however, don't expect that money back without a lot of work, and likely ending the relationship
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2. AITJ For Thinking My Husband's Ridiculous For Grieving A Baby Blanket?

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“Ok, a little background—so my husband is a pack rat. A huge pack rat. Our tiny apartment is overrun by his stuff and it seems that all of it is so special to him. I am a minimalist. I have a hope chest that I go through periodically to decide what still matters and what is no longer a keepsake (these things do change. There are things I saved in high school and I don’t even know why anymore.)

So here is what happened—while home alone the other morning I started working on getting the house in order.

We need more shelving space. Above the dryer is a large shelf that had all of our mismatched sheets on it. I don’t think we have touched it in at least 2 years. So I scoop it all up, set a few select things aside, and add them to the donate bag.

I’m notorious for driving around with bags like this for lengthy periods of time. But not yesterday.

I was feeling ambitious so I took it all straight to goodwill.

Apparently, unbeknownst to me, my husband’s baby blanket was up there. Why store it there? I have no idea. After looking through several other boxes, it seems likely that it go donated. Now, I feel horrible. That will be something he can never replace. I know I’m not the jerk for making a mistake. I even called first thing this morning and figured out the process to try and recover an item.

And called 2 additional times when my husband and MIL seemed to think more should be done (I should drive there and demand to be allowed to go through every item until I found it).

Here is the part where I might be a jerk—my husband couldn’t even give a description of his blanket. I had to call my MIL to even know exactly what we were looking for other than a blue baby blanket.

And while I have (mostly) avoided saying my thoughts out loud and have chosen to go with sympathy instead, I am finding his reaction ridiculous.

He treated me unkindly because one of the stages of grief is anger and he is angry at me.

He is ‘grieving’ an inanimate object that he can’t even remember what it looks like. I totally get being sad, but grieving it? Being mean to me because of it?

I’m about ready to tell him how ridiculous I find this and that he needs to get some perspective. I plan on doing just that. So am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for disregarding your husband’s emotions.

You say you set aside a ‘few select things’ from the pile, yet had ‘no idea’ the baby blanket was there. So you did look through the pile, you just either only put aside what was significant to you or you didn’t recognize what you were throwing away. Just because an item isn’t important to you doesn’t mean it’s unimportant to him, and you seem to think because he’s a pack rat that nothing of his is actually valuable.

Now he lost something irreplaceable and you don’t think his feelings count. He can be angry and sad. Don’t be so callous.” RealTalkFastWalk

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You tried. You made a mistake, and it’s unfortunate, but these things happen. You didn’t do it out of malice, which I hope he knows and believes. Let him simmer, but definitely have a conversation about his response with him.

P.s. His mother sounds like a huge enabler and likely where he picked up his hoarding habits.

She needs to stop babying the man.” symsykins

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

That’s something that, like you said, can’t be replaced. The best thing you can do is go try to look through everything they have to retrieve it. That will at least show your husband that you understand the weight of the action you took.

Then again, reading through the comments, it doesn’t seem like you care about how your husband feels about it. Do as you will, I guess.” Due_Entrepeneur3343

1 points (3 votes)
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Alliaura 1 month ago
Gentle YTJ
He may have wanted to pass it down to his grandchildren and your getting rid of it ruined that for him. Even if it was ratty looking you could have turned it into quilt squares and passed it down as an heirloom. I hope you find it.
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1. AITJ For Texting My Friend During A Meltdown?

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“I’m not really the party type but last Friday I got invited to a party. It’s from my friend’s sister so I didn’t really know anyone well, they’re all college-age while I’m just-allowed-to-drink-age. My friend (L) begged me to come as she didn’t know a lot of people either and promised me I’d have fun. I decided to go for her as sometimes it can be fun and I’d like to meet new people even though I’m very shy (even with booze).

It was okay at first, mainly L and I drinking with a few people she knew and getting intoxicated. At some point a boy came up to us and started dancing with us, he took us to an empty room to talk about anime, he waited until L was distracted then whispered in my ear to get out because he wants to talk to L. Apparently, he has a crush on her and needed to get rid of me.

(I talked with her BEFORE she was alone with him, she wasn’t completely wasted, they just talked, she liked him back, all is good with her no worries).

Anyway, now I was alone at this party with no one I knew. I have severe anxiety and I tried interacting with people, but it was obvious (obvious as in they straight-up told me) that they think it’s childish there’s people ‘of my age’ at the party (I’m 2 years younger) and no one engaged in the conversations I tried to start or join.

I felt very burned out as it took a lot of energy and getting through my anxiety to try and talk to new people while alone and no one cared. Very bad habit of mine but once anxiety starts to get the best of me I start spiraling and before I know it I’m outside with an intoxicated panic attack about how none of my friends like me.

I’m very good friends with a boy (Z) who knows about my struggles and usually he’s very sweet, I texted him asking why we don’t hang out more and how I miss him. I don’t know the exact texts we exchanged but it came down on me basically ranting about how I appreciate him as a friend and him telling me to ‘screw off and leave him alone for once.’

We used to text daily but lately, we both haven’t really had the time as school and work started piling up for both of us.

The next morning I regretted the texts but he knows about my anxiety and depression so I was hoping he’d understand and just never talk about it again, instead he texted me the morning after to remind me about how annoying I am and to stop acting like that. I’m really upset about everything but I don’t know if it’s fair for me to be upset.

I just told him I’m sorry and I haven’t texted him about anything else to give him the space he apparently needs. (Also extra info: I texted him about 4, maybe 5 times).”

Another User Comments:

“From the information you’ve given us here, I’m gonna go with YTJ. Yeah, he was pretty harsh in his response (which I’m not condoning – that was jerky too) but from what you said and the way he responded, I get the impression that he’s tired of feeling like you think of him as your therapist, and I wonder if he’s tried bringing this up before.

I understand that you struggle with anxiety and depression (lots of people do!) and it’s good to have a strong support system, but that doesn’t mean you can rely solely on your support system every time you feel anxious or depressed, which is what seems like what happened here. I would seriously consider looking for a therapist or psychiatrist if you don’t already have one. They can help you work through your anxious thoughts and give you tools and exercises to help keep you from spiraling in the future, and medication if you want/need it.

Best of luck, OP.” thefudge77

Another User Comments:

“So as someone who deals with heavy anxiety, especially in social situations, I’ve been in this situation many times, and I’m sorry but YTJ here. same as me back when I did these things.

Anxiety is an absolute witch, and it’s understandable that you’d latch onto a friend who you feel comfortable sharing the fears with but establishing that pattern with someone where they’re consistently the one you dump on is extremely unfair to them.

When your version of appreciating them as a friend involves asking them why you don’t hang out more, that’s not actually appreciating them.

It’s just framing your anxiety as a failing on their part. if you want your friend to know how much you appreciate them being there for you, you have to verbalize it as appreciation, not a request for more of their energy and attention.” KaeporaGaepora

Another User Comments:

“I’m gonna say ESH because it sounds like you two aren’t actually communicating with each other. Z is clearly frustrated with you and wants space based on the fact you don’t see each other as much, but hasn’t told you why.

And while you’re telling him you miss him, you’re not actually asking him why he doesn’t see you as much anymore.

You need to give him a bit of space, and then you need to ask him to talk… and you need to ask him the right questions.” Most_Summer_1209

Another User Comments:

“YTJ you can’t use your friends as an emotional crutch. If you aren’t seeing him much or talking to him much you can’t just contact him when you are spinning out. You aren’t close enough to be so reliant on him and probably it’s very one-sided. I am guessing you value him more than he does you and it’s reaching the breaking point where he will cut you off completely because all you do is send him desperate messages when you are lonely and intoxicated. Not much to base a friendship on.” Mazikeen05

1 points (3 votes)
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Alliaura 1 month ago
Gentle YTJ
Hear me out.
Coping skills are important.
Please learn them.
1. Something you can see.
2. Something you can touch.
3. Something you can hear.
4. Something you can can see.
5. Something you can taste and/or smell.
Practice breathing as well.
Alcohol and anxiety, bad mix. Don't do that.
Z isn't your support animal.
Apologize for making him feel used.
I understand it's overwhelming, practice at home when you're not stressed.
Good luck!
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