People Are Looking For A Standpoint On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Forgive My Husband?
“Recently married 28f and 33m. My husband is a good guy but he frequently messes up the littlest tasks in everyday life. For instance, I cannot count how many times I have eaten full meals with my hands because he can’t be bothered to ask for to-go utensils, condiments, napkins, or drinks. I try not to get mad because I realize he is trying to be sweet, but it’s annoying.
It’s doubly annoying because when I plan stuff for him I make sure everything is accounted for so he can enjoy his day. In contrast, when we went to see Bruno Mars in Vegas he didn’t even bother to look up where the concert was. He got an Uber to the wrong freaking venue and we missed the first 30 minutes of the show because we had to walk to the correct venue.
Ugh.
The recent issue:
My absolute favorite movie in life is Moulin Rouge. They recently turned it into a Broadway show and I have been excited to see it for at least the past six months. We finally saved up some money to do a NY weekend trip so he could eat at this famous restaurant and I could see the Broadway show. He booked everything two months ago.
Saturday comes around.
We eat then head to the theater. I took pictures in front of the marquee. I. Was. Pumped.
We finally get to the doors and I ask him where the tickets are. He couldn’t remember if he bought them under my email or his so we’re both searching through our emails and credit card statements for any sign of the ticket confirmation. The show starts. Thirty or so minutes go by with us frantically searching for the tickets.
Eventually, he started crying and I just knew. He never bought the tickets. Somehow he searched for the ticket prices, we discussed where we wanted to sit, and we picked out our Broadway outfits and everything, but he never finalized the order for tickets. I fully believe it was an honest and incredibly dumb mistake. The show was sold out so we had to leave. I ugly sobbed and snotted all over myself for the entire 30-minute Uber to the hotel.
We flew back to Dallas without seeing the show.
He’s apologized multiple times but I really don’t care. I haven’t talked to him since Saturday. He thinks I’m dragging this out and overreacting. On one hand, I feel like the jerk for continuing to be this upset but on the other hand, I feel like this is a valid reason to be mad. I know this is a first-world problem, but I’m extremely disappointed.
This was my Christmas present. I told everyone I was seeing the show and then had to explain 20+ times that we actually didn’t get to see it. It’s embarrassing and sad. I’ll get over it eventually but right now I’m just not ready to stop being upset. Does that make me the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – while this does read a LOT like undiagnosed ADHD, OP’s comments have indicated her husband doesn’t have any issues when it comes to his own outings/hobbies/etc.
This is a clear sign he CAN manage these symptoms (even if he doesn’t see them as such) and has determined which situations are important enough for him to stay on top of and which ones are not. Things involving OP can slip his mind because he doesn’t prioritize them the way he prioritizes himself and his interests.
Marriage is a partnership – by this point, there should be at least some effort to see OP as being on an equal priority level as himself.
It might not come as second nature the same way it would for someone without ADHD, but he’s clearly capable of seeing plans through when they revolve around him, so it’s not impossible.
This isn’t a small mistake – they flew out to another state for this outing. That’s a LOT of expenses. He needs to be held accountable, whether he has ADHD or not.
OP, I usually never comment but reading this hurt my heart, as I’ve been in similar positions and know how devalued it can make you feel.
I’m so sorry you missed out on your show, and I hope this event is a wake-up call for your husband.” ophibii
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is a level of incompetence that can be called cruelty.
Honestly, I don’t think my wife would forgive me for something like this. She loves me to death but if I took her to something she desperately wanted to do, got her excited for it, got her dressed up, and then humiliated her and took all of those things away at the last minute…
she’d be talking to a divorce lawyer.
I’m good at coming up with solutions to messed-up problems. My CEO pays me a ton to do it. But jeez.
If it were me I’d be finding out where that crap plays next and making sure we’re there. But, I have the resources to do that. Even then, I wouldn’t expect my wife to forgive me for the humiliation. I’d need to shell out ten grand for her to meet the cast or something and arrange for a limo to take us.
Even then, jeez.
I honestly do not see a way to correct this situation that wouldn’t cost me at least 50k with my wife. And even then my best bet would be it becomes the story of, ‘Remember when you did that horrible thing to me but then for the next ten weekends you arranged all the childcare, flew me to different places for romantic evenings, took me to shows I wanted to see, and even after I finally forgave you, you did it five more times and arranged for a spectacular Christmas? That was really sweet of you.’
The screw-up never goes away so the only way you’re ever really correcting it is by turning that type of screw-up into the first chapter of a redemption arc.
But wow.
I mean, holy crap. NTJ. He should be posting somewhere for solutions. The fact he thinks that you should be okay with this already. I mean, dang.” ta_probably_mostly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m autistic and, as a result, I struggle with memory issues, concentration issues, and executive dysfunction. Because of this, I have a lot of trouble with planning things in advance, remembering to do even basic tasks, and being on time.
It SUCKS.
It is embarrassing, frustrating, and even devastating when I really let people down or screw myself over. I know that the fact my brain works this way isn’t my fault, but I also know that, because I’m an adult who’s capable of recognizing I have these issues, I have a responsibility to find a way to function better, for both myself and my loved ones.
Your husband’s problems sound like the result of ADHD, autism, and/or something similar.
That is not his fault. What is his fault is that he has consistently let you down again and again without working to address his issues, despite the fact you have made it clear that this hurts you. I genuinely do not know how he has gotten this far in life without addressing these issues unless he’s just used to other people doing things for him.
Your husband needs to get a diagnosis and that has to be the beginning, not the end.
He needs to get therapy, find an organizational system that works for him, and consider medication. Until he does that, you are basically stuck being his mother and that’s not how a healthy marriage operates.
You’ve also mentioned you want kids and I can tell you this right now as someone with similar issues: if he doesn’t get help, you will be raising your kids on your own at best.
At worst, something genuinely horrible could happen to your children (like being left in a hot car, allowed access to cleaning products, etc.) because of his issues. I know for a fact that I could love a child with all my heart, but if I were to try to raise one without having made the strides I have through medication, therapy, etc., I would not be able to do it well.” Iwilleatyourenglish
15. AITJ For Overreacting Toward My Partner?
“I need to know if I’m a jerk for overreacting or if I had the right to be upset.
So to give you guys a little background my partner (40) and I (24) have been seeing each other on/off for 2 years. It started as casual, and last August we became exclusive and last month we decided to become official. He had traumatic experiences in his past relationships that made him difficult to commit again.
He was single for 10 years and this is the first time he had tried again.
Anyway, last night we had to go to the grocery store to buy the ingredients needed for our dinner but before that, he had to meet a friend. He’s a chef and has his own restaurant and he wanted his friend to try his new recipe. We went down to the lobby of his condo and gave them the food.
He introduces me as a friend and I was taken aback. So after their meeting I was in a bad mood and told him, ‘oh I’m a friend?’ and he responds jokingly like, ‘yeah, you are a friend’ and I rolled my eyes at him and he said, ‘I’m sorry I didn’t know why I said that. I was supposed to say this is my special friend, OP,’ and laughed.
I became more irritated because I feel like he didn’t realize I felt really disrespected. So the whole trip I was ignoring him or at least being cold. And when we went back to his place I went straight to his guest bedroom and stayed there.
My partner is the most caring guy I know, he kept on checking on me, giving me medicine, tea, etc. (I was sick) but never asks about how I feel so I still felt that he was ignoring the issue.
I ended up staying in the guest bedroom the whole night because I needed to be alone to re-evaluate my actions and feelings and try to rationalize what he did. I cried cause it made me feel like he was ashamed of being with me but at the same time I felt like I was being demanding so I also feel bad for being mean to him.
I always have a problem with opening up and I’m scared to say hurtful things when my emotion is high because I don’t want to strain our relationship.
I know how words can affect a person so I’m very careful with them so I thought I should better be alone.
In the morning, I woke up feeling really like a jerk for being mean to him in spite of him being so nice so I went to his room and cuddled him and told him I was sorry for being mean and thanked him for being so caring last night.
He just smiled and hugged me.
We are okay now but I feel like it doesn’t solve the issue. I’m still very upset and I wanted to know if it’s necessary to talk about what happened last night.
So am I the jerk for reacting like that?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Two years into a relationship and he introduces you as a friend, then says he should have said ‘special friend’?
That speaks volumes about his actual feelings.
I’m sorry to be so blunt but it honestly sounds like at most he simply considers you a friend with benefits.
There’s really nothing complicated in any country when it comes to defining whether a relationship is casual or committed. I’d be very concerned, it truly seems like you might be being strung along.” lostnstumblin
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You are both immature. I wanted to say E-S-H, but your overreaction was huge.
‘I ended up staying in the guest bedroom the whole night because I needed to be alone to re-evaluate my actions, and feelings, and try to rationalize what he did.
I cried.’
You’re mad he called you a friend so you spent the entire night in his guest room? You stayed over at his place but felt it was okay to give him silent treatment.. If you’re not going to let it go or talk it out then go to your own home.
Real talk, the fact this guy was so slow to commit to you and casual for so long means something.
He’s a successful guy who owns his own restaurant and has his pick of partners. You’re insecure about where you stand and it appears he gets to call all the shots in this relationship (you’re Carrie and he’s Mr. Big). You need to sort that out; either you know your own worth and put yourself on equal footing, or continuing to seek validation from this man will eventually push him away.” OneTwoWee000
Another User Comments:
“Most grown-ups I know don’t have ‘partner.’
If I ran into someone while with my SO, I’d say ‘John, this is Michael.
Michael, John and I used to work together,’ or some such and carry on.
I think gentle YTJ is appropriate here. You’re behaving like a petulant child.
And… I’d like to caution you. I have no issues with age gaps fundamentally. But there is usually a pretty tremendous difference in maturity and self-confidence and self-awareness between your 24 YO self vs his 4o YO self. A 40 YO man seeing a 20 YO woman raised a few flags for me.
I have a 21 YO step daughter and am 41. Can’t even imagine wanting to go out with one of her guy friends. I can’t even imagine what we would have in common and I certainly can’t imagine dealing with that kind of maturity. Maybe part of the reason your partner didn’t identify you as his partner is that he knows people are likely to judge him for seeing someone almost half his age.” CheyBridgeMan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – though you absolutely needed to talk to him about last night, but not in a childish way.
The reality is that what he did was ABSOLUTELY problematic, and you deserve the respect of being described as his partner, or whatever you guys refer to you as… Your response was not healthy or helpful, but his feels cold and just… like he knew he had disrespected you and didn’t care, but knew you’d give him what he wanted if he ignored the situation.” peithecelt
14. WIBTJ If I Reached Out To My Mother After Years Of No Contact?
“My parents divorced when I was 3. My dad was always really bothered by it but my mom had no issues moving on. She seemed happier. She got custody of me and my dad rarely saw me. When I was 11 he reached out and tried to have more of a relationship. During visits with him, he would tell me he always loved me and seeing me but my mother made it hard with the courts and child support.
He always bought me things and paid for stuff.
My mom and I were really close until 11. She was my best friend.
Life with my mom was hard. We struggled to make ends meet. I never went without the basics but new toys were tough and she worked a lot. My dad told me he was paying nearly $860 a month in child support and I was always really suspicious of what my mom was doing with it.
I was convinced she used it on herself, especially after she got a new car.
My relationship with my mom really became strained. My dad would bad mouth her and I believed it.
At 16, I told my mom I wanted to go live with my dad. She seemed hurt but she said I could go. Life with my dad was a bit better. Then 6 months in he told me my mom got a court order saying I had to go back.
I was devastated. I saw less of him after that. He would send me money and write and tell me he was trying to fight for me.
When I turned 18 I left and never spoke to my mom again. In my 20s I got involved in an online community that spent a lot of time talking about how awful single moms and divorce were and generally hating women.
It was a toxic place but I felt acknowledged there.
Earlier this year, I finally reconnected with my family on my mom’s side and found out some things about my dad. I found the court paperwork. How he returned me to my mom. There was never any court order to return me. How he never paid child support willingly and how much he still owes in back pay.
He would job jump to outrun it and it was never $850. It was $200 a month. He has other kids too. Two other wives. I have proof of it all. I reached out to a brother a few years younger than me and he had about the same story. My dad also stalked and threatened my mom for years so badly she had to have a protective order.
I never knew any of that.
I haven’t spoken to my mom in 13 years. She would try to send me some money and write me at my uncle’s house, dad’s brother (where I lived after I left) for a long time but I’d always return it unopened.
I have two kids and I really want them to know their grandmother. I have thought she was evil for years.
I blamed her for everything. I called her names for years.
I found out she is living out west with her new husband and they have some adoptive children. I want to reach out but I don’t want to be a jerk.
WIBTJ if I reached out and apologized? Or should I just leave it alone and let her go on with her life?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father is.
Reach out to her and apologize for believing your father. A real apology. While your father is the jerk here, you still need to apologize for how much that had to have hurt her and the time that you lost. Then wait for her to respond.
Parental alienation is an incredibly difficult thing to deal with. If you are not in therapy and have the means to do so, that really should start asap.
My father pulled much of the same crap.
He paid the paltry $300 in child support, but it was far less than we needed. Every visit with him was filled with gifts and talking crap about my mother. For a long time, he had me convinced that him taking my cat (that I’d had since I was 4) was because my mom didn’t want me to have him anymore. My mother on the other hand didn’t want to bad-mouth him.
Luckily I figured it out in my late teens and I was able to repair my relationship with her and cut him out. And that was only because she was emotionally supportive of me (no matter how poorly I treated her) and he was not.” luthage
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, because you left out a very important part of this story which makes you look bad. You took your dad’s words over your mom without proof.
Then you wait over a decade to even try to look into what the truth was. You leaving this out makes it like you don’t want to see the part you played in not talking with your mom. Yes, your dad manipulated you, but you let him also. You did not really question his lies. His lies should have seemed out of character with how you said your mom raised you.
In saying this we all can be jerks. You should reach out to your mom but don’t write her a letter. Letters are one-way communication and she has the right to talk with you not have you talk at her. Give your contact info to one of your family members on your mom’s side and let your mom make the decision to talk or not.
Don’t expect anything.
There is a great chance your mom will contact you. You are her child. At the same time, it might be too painful for her and she has moved on. Don’t open up old wounds more than they have to.
If you do have the need to reach out via mail send her a card for each of her birthdays and mother’s days you have missed. Send them in one package.
Actions speak louder than words and that would show her how much you really want to reconnect with her. Make sure you are also ready to apologize.” beaglerules
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ.
Contact her. Tell her exactly what you’ve said here. Tell her you were fed lies and, as a child, you believed them. Now you know that they were lies.
Apologize. Tell her you love her and you’d give anything to go back and not have that chain of events happen (perhaps I am putting words into your mouth, but that is very much my sense from your posting).
I can’t guarantee that she’ll respond positively initially.
She may be shocked and overwhelmed. But I have an inkling that won’t be so. I rather strongly suspect you’ll both be in tears by the end of the conversation, but the good kind.
I wish you the best of luck in rebuilding this relationship. It starts with a phone call.” ThrowawayCars123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, as long as you have zero expectations on your end. I’m sure your mom has been heartbroken over this for years (I mean, as a parent yourself, imagine if one of your kids wound up completely cutting you off and treating you like the devil when you did nothing wrong) and she might be over the moon if you make contact again, but she also might have a lot of pent up feelings to process if you do. Obviously, no decent parent just moves on with their lives when their kids cut them off, but if it’s been over a decade then she has likely had to force herself to come to grips with the possibility that you were going to hate her forever and never speak to her again, and ripping open that wound again will be really hard.” TheLostHargreeves
13. AITJ For Putting Rabbit Litter In My Husband's Jacket?
“This morning I reached a breaking point when I came home from a 12-hour night shift, narrowly avoided a 4-car collision after spinning out on the highway during my hour-long commute, and opened the door to my apartment only to find the same mess that’s been there all week.
I (26f) have asked my husband (30m) to clean the living room about 8 times this week. There are unopened Amazon packages and detritus from his various hobbies all over the floor and he has been leaving hoodies and jackets on the couch.
I also asked him to take out the trash last night.
There’s a dumpster in the lot of our building so it’s not timebound, but I had noticed the can was full. I am generally sluggish from sleep deprivation, so I ended up asking him 3 times to tidy up the living room and take out the trash. He got annoyed and insisted he would do both tasks.
He suffered multiple concussions in his youth, between being a hyperactive child in a rural area and then a hyperactive recruit in basic training.
He’s incredibly intelligent, doggedly willful, and terrifyingly enthusiastic (but only for things that genuinely interest him). His short-term memory is terrible. He’s basically the human version of a Belgian Malinois.
I work 60 hours a week at a high-paying job (plus a 60-70 minute commute). These hours are the norm at my workplace which is fine by me because I’m saving up to buy us a house.
My husband works 40 hours a week at a menial job with a 10-minute commute. I currently cover all of our bills, rent, groceries, and gas because he’s saving his money to pay for trade school. We just got approved for his student loan, and we’ll be splitting the payments 50/50.
Since I’m the breadwinner and work way more hours, he has agreed to take on the brunt of the housework.
He’s usually really good about getting it all done, plus he dotes on me before I leave for work with coffee, back rubs, and packed lunches. He also takes care of our two rabbits (both 2f). I just have to clean their litterbox.
However, he needs constant reminders to do things and some messes are invisible to him. For example, he has never cleaned the stovetop. I try to praise him for what he does and avoid criticizing him, but I can’t relax with clutter in my living space.
My job leaves me physically and mentally drained and I just want to come home to a clean and tidy space so I can relax. When I reach my days off I end up frantically rushing to make things right so I can be at peace. Filth and chaos just don’t affect my husband that much.
So this morning, I cleaned the buns’ litter box, placed the refuse in a plastic bag, tied the top securely, and put that crap in the jacket my husband left on the couch.
He won’t forget to take out the trash tonight.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Honestly, this sounds a lot like my husband and me, but in reverse; I have an extremely difficult time focusing and getting housework done, and I’m much more comfortable with a mess than he is. It’s not fair, and I’m definitely a jerk for it–but when he reaches a stress point, he lets me know, and I do my best to drop what I’m doing to get the house to a more comfortable place.
If he passive-aggressively put cat litter in my belongings, it would definitely escalate. Side note, I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and a low-dose medication has done wonders in helping me focus and get things done, housework included. I’m still very similar to your partner in temperament, so it may be worth looking into for him.” KProbs713
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – this is a petty and pretty gross thing to do to your spouse, especially as it seems that his memory/cognitive problems are a result of an injury.
It sucks that instead of working on practical ways to help him remember stuff you’re putting bags of rabbit litter in his jacket. Also, it sounds like while you work longer hours, this is something you chose, and he is working a regular 40-hour work week and doing almost all the household chores, and saving his salary to help better his career, which will benefit you both – he’s hardly a lazy mooch, but you talk about him as if his work and contribution to the relationship are much less valuable than your career.” bluedog33
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ, and a massive one at that.
You’ve lost sight of (or perhaps never knew in the first place) the central principle of dealing with conflict in a marriage: it’s not You versus Him, it’s You and Him versus The Problem.
You’re behaving as though this is a ‘You versus Him’ situation, and passive-aggressively punishing him for not remembering to take care of this trash when you know he has memory problems.
The proper ‘You and Him versus The Problem’ is for the two of you together to figure out a way of dealing with the need for him to do various chores, in the context of his known memory issues.
I suggest that a good first step is to write a list for him of what you want him to do.” PingPongProfessor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He should realize that you’re exhausted from work and that maybe after reminding him 8 different times, he should tidy up just a bit. From the sounds of it, he didn’t pick up anything at all. I’d be understandably frustrated as well.
The rabbit poop in a bag in his jacket isn’t even that bad of a thing to do, just a small reminder that hey, he should pick up after himself a bit more.
I’m glad you choose to praise him for the work he actually does instead of getting on his butt about it 24/7, but this sounds like it happens frequently and it’s fair that you’re fed up with it at this point. Maybe sit down and have a talk with him about it and have him realize a couple of your concerns and issues.” myfinaldestination29
And everyone seems to think that it is your job to have to organise his diary to do it, or your job to have to make a cleaning chart. As if he is a child and not a theoretically fully functioning adult.
Me, I think it is worth considering throwing money at the problem. Even though it will slow your saving towards a home, maybe getting a cleaner is worth it for the domestic harmony.
12. AITJ For Not Letting My Daughter Wear Makeup?
“My daughter and my partner spent a day together on Saturday, allowing me to catch up on some work. My partner is a makeup artist, and she did a full face of makeup on my daughter. Since she is a makeup artist, the makeup looked fine, but I was kind of shocked to see such heavy makeup on my ten-year-old.
My daughter has asked for makeup a lot recently, and the most she has worn has been lip gloss and a little glitter.
I’m not too knowledgeable about makeup, and her mother isn’t around to give advice on this, so I’ve frequently just said no makeup, especially as she’s so young. So, seeing her with eye shadow, blush, and lip color was pretty shocking.
Since we were still going out later, I made my daughter wash off the makeup. I did not want her going out with it. I’m okay with my partner doing a makeover for fun at home, but I don’t think she’s meant to go out with it.
My daughter was not pleased to have to wash it off, and I had to help her because she was not getting it all off. Obviously, in my daughter’s eyes, I’m the jerk.
But then my partner said that I’m being too strict, that all girls wear makeup, and that I should start letting my daughter wear at least a little bit of makeup. I said okay, but that makeover was not a little bit of makeup.
Still, though, my partner thinks that I should have let my daughter wear it for the rest of the day, just for fun. Then she started asking if I don’t trust her skills or think she’s a good makeup artist, and it’s not that, I was just not comfortable with my daughter going out with a full face of makeup. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Mmm… I understand your intentions, but I’m going with a soft YTJ.
To be clear, I don’t think you’re TJ for your hesitation around makeup, necessarily (I think you may be overreacting a tad, but it’s within the domain of reasonable concern for a dad).
That said, my problem is with your approach. Have you talked to your daughter about makeup beyond ‘don’t do it?’ Shutting it down is, quite rightly, going to generate resentment and trust issues, and create something she could feel unsafe talking to you about.
Ten-year-olds can be very perceptive and bright. Sit her down. Talk about it. Share your fears, tell her what’s on your mind (focus on ‘I feel’ and ‘I worry’ to humanize it), and then, ask her how she feels about it, and listen. If she enjoys wearing makeup, why? What is it that appeals to her? It may just be that it makes her feel good, or helps her express herself.
Setting reasonable limits (e.g.
not overdoing it) is totally okay, but the key is to compromise.
And before any of that, you need to have the same honest conversation with your partner and be a team on this going forward.” BitiumRibbon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a young woman in her 20s, I agree with you. My parents did not let me wear makeup until I was 14/15 so everybody saying you’re too strict is on some nonsense.
Let her grow into her own face naturally so she learns that makeup is something extra and not something she needs. I’m also looking at some comments a bit strange. Maybe it’s just differences in culture but I don’t see how an 11-year-old wearing ‘grown’ makeup is in any way appropriate outside of your house. But that’s just how I was brought up.” scarletw0lf
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
While makeup on children is a little extreme, it hurts nobody. There’s nothing wrong with a child having one day of full-blown make-up just for fun.
Is it worth destroying the fun of an 11-year-old girl, just because you don’t feel comfortable with her wearing make-up in the public for a single day?” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your partner wasn’t in the wrong for wanting to have some girl bonding time over makeup with your daughter. And you weren’t in the wrong to ask your daughter to have a makeup-free face when going out. There’s a time and place for age-appropriate makeup. You’re the parent, ultimately it’s what you feel comfortable with.” owlcityy
What's wrong with these commenters??
11. AITJ For Getting My Mother In Law Fired?
“Background info: My MIL has always treated me poorly ever since I (25F) took her first son away from her. I started hating my MIL due to her constantly taking jabs at me and disrespecting me. It’s taken a toll on me emotionally and I don’t think I’ll be over certain incidents that occurred. So to point out, we don’t have a great relationship.
Sometime in January 2019, my husband and I visited my MIL due to her sister being in town (more like a forced visit on MIL’s part.) During the time of visit she showed us a video of her patient.
My MIL works as an LPN at a special center that hospitalizes old folks who have mental disabilities.
In the video, her patient wandered into her office and is looking around. You can tell my MIL propped the camera so it filmed her patient clearly and it seemed like it was all for show. She tells her patient to follow her but the patient doesn’t seem to comprehend and is fearful.
My MIL tried to grab her from behind and hold her through the armpit but the patient obviously does not want to follow her. This whole time of showing this video, my MIL is LAUGHING and describing how this patient is ‘cute’ but also could have hurt her. She says she was being attacked by the patient (nowhere in the video does it appear her being attacked by the patient).
I was so disturbed by this as I felt this was definitely against HIPAA laws.
I mentioned this afterward to my Step MIL (MIL’s arch-nemesis) about this particular incident to get her opinion and she was disturbed as well. We aren’t close with my step MIL anymore and there has been some bad blood lately between her and my husband. Looking back, it wasn’t smart to talk about his mom to his stepmom.
Fast forward to last night (DEC 2019), I get a call from MIL that she was fired because of me.
After a few minutes of trying to get her to explain the situation, she says she hasn’t been fired yet, just suspended till the 16th and waiting for a verdict. Apparently, her department got an email saying that her DIL (me) told someone (most likely step MIL) that she recorded a video of a patient while laughing at them.
I apologized to her for her possibly getting fired but I told her that it certainly wasn’t right for her to record her patient.
Her excuse is that she was being ‘attacked’ and that she only showed her family the video so she expected us to not say anything. My MIL denied the whole allegations of even recording the video to her supervisor because this is not her first time getting suspended at work for a different matter.
Now my husband is upset at me for trying to get MIL fired and that I’m not remorseful because I believe she did do something wrong and that it shouldn’t be on my shoulders if she gets fired.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your MIL violated laws and ethics and trust by recording a patient without their permission and then showing that video outside the workplace (theoretically, there could be some justification to show to other staff members).
Your MIL got herself suspended and possibly fired, through her own behavior and choices.
You put yourself in the position of making that behavior known, which won’t earn you any thanks from anyone in your family. The employer and residents might thank you. But your husband and MIL won’t. You may have done the right thing, but you’re probably going to suffer something for doing it.
But you are NTJ.” NoiseProvesNothing
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She broke HIPAA law immediately. And YOU didn’t get her fired, her own actions got her fired. In no way shape or form is this how you treat your patients. I’m glad they fired her bc she CLEARLY does not belong in a caretaking situation.” Hayley_hayys
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t record patients and show it to friends and family. That’s common sense if you work in any healthcare field. There are laws, there is common decency. She was wrong and if she gets fired for it she should have known better.” KittyyittK
10. AITJ For Not Leaving My Room While On Medical Leave?
“Context: My sister gave birth on Thursday and had only been discharged on Monday. My aunts from across the country came over to the house to help take care of the baby and my sister. This means that at the moment, there are 6 adults and 1 baby staying in the same apartment. 2 of these adults, my aunts, are very loud, no matter the time of day.
On top of that, there are guests going in and out of the house to visit my sister, or a masseuse to massage my sister. All of these adults, except for me are either on maternity/paternity leave (for at least 3 weeks each) or are not working.
I’m working in an office job (Monday-Friday) and take night classes after work. Recently, I had an arts performance the day after my sister gave birth.
I was already pretty tired then, with no chance to rest between commuting to work, the hospital, and the art school for rehearsals.
The fatigue really started to kick in two days ago, after I had heat exhaustion after night classes. When I got home at 11 pm, there were still guests in the apartment and the house was still very noisy. I tried to sleep that night but couldn’t as I kept waking up due to the noise.
So yesterday at work, I tried to stay awake but just couldn’t handle it. I texted my sister about the noise and she agreed with me that it was too noisy. It wasn’t the baby that was making all the noise, it was the adults around the house. It was really a struggle going home after work. I was already exhausted, was having migraine, and was ready to throw up anytime during the commute home.
I bought some comfort food for dinner on the way back. When I got home, my mum and aunts noticed the dinner I bought and chastised me for not wanting to eat whatever they cooked (super spicy stuff that might be enough to give you a stomach ache). I just gave them a tired, ticked-off look and went straight to my room. When I got to my room, I started to break down and cry (I cry when I’m really exhausted).
I had to drag myself through my night-time routine. Even though I was completely exhausted, I got woken up by noise at least twice in the night.
This brings us to today. I applied for medical leave at work today and have been staying in my room. Migraines are still ongoing and the noise can still be heard in my room. Apparently, according to my mum, I’m being selfish for staying in my room, that it’s my fault for going to night classes and being tired after that.
I’ve been going for night classes for months and have been alright the next day, I’m even able to wake up earlier for morning runs before work. I’m using headphones to play some music and block the noise but my mum will still say that it’s a selfish thing to do because I won’t be able to hear her when she calls (or rather shouts) for me.
So, AITJ for being in my room all day and giving my mum and aunts a tired ticked-off look last night?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I don’t see how you furthering your education and bettering yourself is selfish? You working, taking night classes, and going for early morning runs should be commended, not shamed! There’s no reason to shout for you when there are so many other adults in the home, which is also messed up.
New moms certainly need support but it doesn’t sound like support, more like a party, which isn’t helpful to you, your sister, or the new baby. This may seem kind of manipulative but since you’re not the jerk here, IDC. Next time she calls you selfish, ask her why don’t you want me to better myself? I’m shocked that you don’t want me to succeed. As for the noise, why don’t you want me to be well-rested and healthy? Why don’t you want your daughter who just had a baby to get the rest she needs? Phrasing it like that might make her realize how dumb she’s acting.” International-Aside
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Taking care of your own needs does not make you a jerk. Nor does taking night classes. If she is willing to, maybe your sister could talk to people about the noise, they might be more willing to listen to her as the new mother. It’s not fair, but if it works and lets you sleep through the night it might be worth it.” Shandrith
9. AITJ For Easing Up On My Group Project?
“This year has a coursework segment, working in groups. I was alone when the groups were chosen because I didn’t know anybody in the class. I paired with another team who only had three members. They were friendly when we met and continued to be cool up until recently.
When the project started, I was super engaged. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I did 90% of the work in the planning stage: I got in touch with our interviewee, drew up the idea for our short interview, wrote the questions, planned the structure of the film, and presented all of this work to our class as if it was a group effort.
We were all happy with this arrangement – I was having fun doing it, and they didn’t have a lot of work to do because I was eager to do it for us.
Later I would organize a preliminary meeting with our interviewee, as well as the shoot day itself. On the first meeting, I did all of the speaking, but on the shoot day, I was only able to set up the equipment before I had to leave early.
We agreed that the other three team members would meet regularly to edit the footage, while I would write the article (worth about half the marks).
A few times I agreed to come to editing sessions but didn’t arrive for various reasons. The first week I was ill, then I was visiting my home city, and then I had work. One time I arrived for an editing session, but nobody else came (all for good reasons).
Today we had a final exam. I walked out with Team Member A, with whom I chatted and laughed as normal.
He asked me if I was coming to edit with them that afternoon, which was a surprise – I had not been told beforehand. I told him that I planned to spend that afternoon writing the article. We parted ways without argument.
Maybe four hours later I get messages on the group chat. Two of my group are mad that I haven’t been attending editing sessions, and accuse me of not pulling my weight.
I argued with Member B while Member A posted voice clips of himself singing/laughing. Member B accused me of not doing any work at all, which obviously hurt – I was responsible for planning and organizing, but relaxed after the shoot day and agreed with my group to write the article. We argued pretty intensely. Frankly, I find Member B very intimidating (6′ rugby player) and we’re expected to meet up on Friday for a group discussion, which will probably range from awkward to scary.
I attribute the loss of momentum to other important things going on in my life.
I broke up with my partner of three years in mid-November, and I’ve been quite depressed and unmotivated due to conflict over my relationship preferences. I did not say this to my team because I don’t want to make excuses for myself.
In all honesty, asking to write the article alone while the rest of the group edited was mainly in the interest of my workload – but I felt that my setting the project up in the first place would justify me ‘easing up’.
Please be honest – AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH, sounds like everyone blew this off, yourself included.
You eagerly took over the job from the start (are you sure there was a consensus? Or were you just excited?), so it’s not surprising that your ‘organization’ turned out to be anything but organized. You’re possibly a minor jerk, depending on how you took over, and they’re kind of jerks for letting you do all the work.
The major jerk behavior comes in when you all clearly blew off the editing sessions that you had agreed to.
Sure, getting sick is a legit reason to skip, but ‘visiting my home city’ on a whim when you had made prior commitments? This sends a clear message that you don’t actually care about this project that you started but expected other people to finish. It sort of implies that you think you’re some kind of visionary and that the grunt work is beneath you. They’re right to be angry that you left them holding the bag and read your mind when you promised to be there. Of course, the workload is unfair; they’re jerks (and kind of dumb) for trusting/expecting you to handle everything.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I hate to say it, but perhaps coming up with a way to prove your level of involvement might be prudent at this point, in case they try to misrepresent your work.” trippingfingers
8. AITJ For Getting Angry At My Partner Over Finances?
“My partner (26) and I (25) moved into an apartment together about half a year ago. Before we moved I asked her how much she could reasonably afford to split rent. We settled on a number and moved in.
All was good at first but then I notice she is kind of struggling so I jump in and say, hey, I make a decent amount more than you, and you primarily cook and clean so we can do a 65/35 split on the rent with me being the 65.
She was happy, I was happy, all good.
Then I see she is still struggling and I finally ask her what’s up and she finally confesses she is in a ton of debt. I won’t say exact numbers but over $10,000 without school or vehicle. I then ask her why she is just now telling me this, especially after the talk we had about what each of us could afford.
She goes in to say that she was just so tired of living with her mother and needed out and blah blah.
I get a bit mad at this point and tell her that was really stupid and what would you have done if you were moving out on your own. She said she would have handled it. That’s where I kind of lost it the first time. Between her credit card bills and vehicle alone, she was paying upwards of $800 a month. She then told me she could afford $750 to split rent with me to move in.
She only makes about $1600 a month so when all this came out I was just like wow. After I calmed down we talked some more and figured it out. I could afford most of the payment myself and she could chip in enough to make it easier.
Fast forward a few months and we are looking into getting a house so we can build equity instead of just paying for an apartment complex.
I told her that while she is more than welcome to live there, only my name will be on the mortgage due to her poor credit score and spending history. She was ok with that and I bought the house. Once we got in the house, I told her that I didn’t want her to pay any of the bills or mortgage or anything, just work on paying off her debt.
She was very happy with that and we were once again all good.
Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago to her birthday. Her mom gives her some cash and instead of putting it towards a credit payment, she spends all of it on Christmas decorations. On top of that, she keeps insisting on another dog and she is still doing minor shopping here and there. This is when I finally blew up.
I went off saying you live here for free and are still just shopping and not paying off your credit cards and not helping me with any bills. What do you think would happen if you lived on your own, they would kick you out because you couldn’t afford the rent. I’m about to tell her to go back and live with her mom if she can’t take her finances seriously and grow up.
Would that be taking it too far or do I need to do it to show her I’m serious about this?”
Another User Comments:
“Slight NTJ.
Look, I’m under the impression she’s the one for you otherwise you wouldn’t buy a house and let her not pay any bills.
Listen fella, and maybe this might not be popular but you’re looking at it from a guy’s perspective, have you considered that maybe she is doing all this for you? Decorating the house so that when you come back you have a nice place to look at?
Don’t take the road to send her back to her mum’s house, you’re complaining out of the potential for you to grow as an individual and help your SO.
If after the support that you provide she doesn’t fix her ways, then you need to cut your losses and take the high road.
You mention she cooks and cleans more than you, usually, when a guy says that, it means 99/1 she’s doing the cleaning, and the other 1% of the time you’re doing the cooking/cleaning. What are the items she’s buying? Cleaning utensils? Makeup? Clothes? Are they things that you use in the house?
Are you offering her financial support? Maybe she feels that she’s already burdened you with paying rent, so she doesn’t want to hassle you further.
This is a life partner, if she is, you need to address it, and talk.
You’re NTJ for how you feel and the situation around it but part of being an adult my guy is that you’re able to communicate in a calm and composed manner before this tipping point and for letting it get to that point, you’re TJ, but the NTJ aspect overweighs that.” TrapdChaser
Another User Comments:
“ESH…
a little bit. Her for not sticking to a budget, you for blowing up… but that’s a relationship and no one is perfect.
That said, here comes the part where I’m gonna get hated on.
You obviously care about this girl, enough that you’re giving her considerable help with her finances, and that’s great! From your responses and your post, I can tell you’re trying to figure out a way to work this all out, and you see a future with her.
Since you see a future with her, here’s the deal:
It’s not JUST her debt anymore. It’s debt for both of you. When you really decide to hitch your wagon to someone, you’re no longer just two individuals, you’re also a team. She can improve, but this is at the root of the person she is. You got to be sure you’re cool with that because she’ll likely never be perfect on this.
People aren’t perfect, and this is one of her glaring flaws.
That said, she can certainly improve. You can continue to help her plan and work toward getting that debt paid down and help her develop better financial habits as she goes. Work with her, frame it that it’s you two against her debt. You’re a team! If you do that, she might start to come around a little bit on getting her finances fixed up.
Let her know that it’s because you see a future together with her, and you want to make sure you’re both financially stable in that future.
You’ll need to be patient, though. She’s not gonna be perfect every month. Some months she’ll be downright awful. Mixing finances with a partner who has a totally different view of finances is REALLY challenging, and money is the death of many otherwise great relationships.
When she stumbles and you get frustrated, try not to get too upset and remember you’re on the same team!
Most people seem to think that things need to be exactly equal for a relationship to work. That’s untrue and frankly impossible. One person is always going to earn a little more, or be a little more social, or be handier around the house, or a better cook, etc…
You’ve already acknowledged that she does more of the housework and you’re willing to pick up more of the financial slack in return. You’re on the right path!
Keep at it, try to stay calm when you can, and tell her often that you want to make this work. People are capable of some amazing things when they have the support of their partner.
Good luck OP, but you seem pretty level-headed, so I’m not sure you’ll need it.” Mykiedawg
Another User Comments:
“I think this is a NTJ situation, the stuff you’ve mentioned (decorations, shopping, etc.) on its own isn’t an issue; poor people are still allowed to have nice things from time to time (not insinuating she’s poor, just a statement), you need to do something that makes you feel good in between dropping most of your money on important expenses.
It’s about dignity, and being able to have something nice when you feel useless; retail therapy is legit, and if she’s still paying off her debts it shouldn’t be a big deal.
She’s not gambling or being reckless, her mum gave her some cash as a gift; she likely wouldn’t have been able to purchase decorations without the cash injection, and if all she even bought were decorations it likely wasn’t much money anyway.
She likely wanted you to have a nice space for your family, she probably wanted to make your shared space feel homely – especially if this is the first Christmas you’ve had in the house you own as a family.
You’re right to be concerned about money, in my house I’m the main provider myself (up until recently the only breadwinner) so I truly understand the stress and frustration, but I don’t begrudge my partner a coffee if he needs one, or new shoes, or clothes when needed.
The only reason I’d say you’re a bit TJ is for the way you’ve said it was handled, but I truly understand your frustration. You got to be in each other’s corners dude, this can be discussed at length with a cool head and open heart – it may surprise you to learn how she’s feeling.” cat_like_sparky
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You seem to really want to make it work with this girl.
But she isn’t acting like an adult. You have given her all the opportunity in the world. What else does she need?
I get why you blew up but you need to have one last talk where you put it all on the table. Either she shapes up or she moves back in with her mom. I’m sure you two are also talking about marriage because you live together, and you are literally paying for all her crap.
But marriage has to be off the table until she can work out her debt and get a better credit score.
If you let people float by without consequences, they are going to do just that. Float. Why would they change? Especially her. You are paying the rent and her other expenses and she gets to not take her debt seriously. You are on top of it, why should she care.
She may be great in every other aspect but financial idiocy is a justified deal-breaker for some people.
You should want a partner, not a child whose allowance you have to monitor. Personally, I think you should cut it off before it gets to that. Because even though monitoring your partner’s finances sounds like a good idea. That is too close to the territory of controlling to me. She is an adult. Let her make mistakes. But on her own dime, and back at her mom’s.” FireSafety101
7. AITJ For Blocking My Ex Partner?
“A couple of years ago I got romantically involved with a coworker. We’d been friendly, but it escalated and we soon found ourselves seeing each other. Despite being in our 30s, this was her first serious relationship; she said I was the first person she’d ever slept with. She was very into me.
After a couple of months, it wasn’t working for me. I liked her, but it didn’t seem like there was any long-term potential.
So I broke it off. We still liked each other, and we had to continue to work together, so we continued to be friends at work, but stopped seeing each other after work hours.
After the breakup, she clearly became depressed. Weight loss, lack of sleep, crying at her desk. Every conversation I had with her turned to how much she missed our relationship. She continually looked to me for comfort – both verbal comfort, and what physical comfort I felt comfortable giving her.
(Just hugs) I asked her to see a therapist, but she refused, saying I was the only person she felt comfortable opening up to.
This went on for nearly a year until her depression affected her work performance and she got fired. On her last day, she told me that the worst part about being fired was not seeing me, and she asked me to promise that we would still be friends.
I said yes. I still cared about her, and I hoped that perhaps not working with me would give her the space she needed to get over the romantic relationship.
What I didn’t anticipate is what a RELIEF it was to not see her every day. I didn’t realize how much it was weighing me down to provide her with the support she was looking for.
Unfortunately, she continued in the same mode.
Depressed, still messaging me to look for support. Said I was her best friend, the only person she could talk to about what she was going through, how afraid she was that I would drop out of contact now that we didn’t see each other at work, that I promised we would still be friends.
It was overwhelming for me that she was so dependent on me for emotional support.
It also made it very hard to get romantically involved with anyone else. I would ask for some space, and she would continue to message me. I muted her at one point and came back to find a dozen messages telling me that she needed to talk to me, couldn’t lose whatever contact we had left, etc.
After over six months of this, I finally hit my breaking point.
I told her I need time, and I blocked her on my phone and on every social media network to which we’re connected.
I feel a sense of freedom, but also a tremendous sense of guilt. This is someone who I really do care for, and who I would like to see find some happiness. I know that she’s feeling loneliness and despair right now. But at the same time, can I really be expected to subsidize her emotional well-being at the cost of my own?
So tell me, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all.
That’s just unhealthy. Breakups are hard but she needs to grieve and move on, and no contact is the only way to allow that to happen. Being a crutch to her won’t do any good, she needs to seek her own help in therapy.
When I was broken up with, I don’t think I would’ve been able to move on if my ex was always there right in the same space and always available to talk to.
Like that attachment can be so strong, and it’s only when you completely cut off from it that you come back to yourself, and it’s a whole process that she has delayed for long enough. It might seem cold to some people, but it’s actually the compassionate move to make in this situation. Dragging it out further will just delay the healing process even longer, and that unhealthy attachment will just become worse.
For unhealthy people like her, you are giving her false hope every time you text her and talk to her. So not contacting her is really the only available choice. Stick to it.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Dropping her when she’s so vulnerable has the potential to wreak even more havoc on her emotional state and could possibly cause her to harm herself. It is a very lonely place to be in when you have no one to lean on.
At the same time, it is so draining when you have someone relying on you entirely for all of their emotional support, and completely unfair for her to expect you to do so. I’ve been in that position before, not with an ex but with a best friend. Our friendship ended for unrelated reasons, but once it did I was surprised at how relieved I was to not have to deal with the emotional burden of another person’s entire life.
I struggled for a long time wondering if I was a selfish jerk for being so relieved, but I eventually realized that sometimes you just have to put yourself and your emotional health first or else you’ll never be able to truly enjoy life.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“I mean NTJ since this is clearly an emotional overreaction on her part, but the compassionate side of me thinks you should unblock her and gently tell her how it is going to be, and set firm boundaries with her.
I think having something will be better for her than nothing. That may not be the best thing to do, but probably what I would do as someone who used to be toxic and emotionally clingy like that back in high school.
Whatever you do, I wouldn’t rule you the jerk.” jkos95
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I would suggest unblocking her and trying to convey how much she was weighing you down. If you can’t successfully get that through to her, I hate to say it but block her again. I’ve dealt with depressed friends like this, after too long you just have to slowly pull away, or you’ll end up with the same fate. (Of course, pull away while getting them medical help).” SeniorSushi
6. AITJ For Insulting My Unfaithful Ex?
“I (19m) go to a top university in the UK. I am in my second year and live with my ex-partner (19f) and 3 of our mutual friends. This came about because, in my first year, I started seeing my now ex near the start of Uni and we all decided to live together for second year. Near the end of the year, she was unfaithful to me by sleeping with some random bloke she’d pulled in a club.
I confronted her and broke it off.
Fast forward to September and the arrangement is now very awkward as we’re not on speaking terms, yet share a house. There is a lot of tension and mutual dislike in the air. She has done a lot of petty things so far this year which I won’t get into, but safe to say she’s ticked off everyone in the house and there are arguments almost daily.
Well a couple of nights ago I was coming back from a night out with my friends at around 2 or 3 am, and it’s possibly important here to note that she doesn’t have any friends at university, whereas I am involved in several societies, was always the ‘popular’ social butterfly of our house, go out multiple times a week, etc and that this was always a point of contention during our relationship as, though she didn’t like to admit it, she was always jealous.
I went into the kitchen to fill up a bottle of water.
I’m quite intoxicated at this point. Well lo and behold she is in there and turns to me to say something along the lines of ‘intoxicated again?’ With a smirk and belittled me for enjoying myself. I said it’s not my fault she’s a loner and that nobody likes her, we argued a bit about cleaning and other household issues. She then says that at least Adam liked her and that’s why she was unfaithful because he was better than me, which really ticked me off.
I mention how lonely it must be to have no friends and family being so far away and ask if she heard me the other night with a girl I’d brought home.
She said she’s glad she hurt me and asked if I’ve mentally recovered. She knew I had on and off mental health issues while we went out. Which was the final straw as I had further mental health issues for most of that summer as a direct result of her. I said to her, shouting, ‘at least my daddy didn’t leave me when I was 5, if he could see you now he’d leave all over again you jerk.’
She burst out crying and ran from the kitchen.
She had her mum pick her up the next day, and I haven’t seen her since. My housemates, who already dislike her are on my side. My friends and family are also on my side for the most part. I knew her insecurities from our time together and said the most hurtful thing I could muster, specifically targeting what I knew would cause the most pain and distress and probably took it too far, so while I hate her, I’m aware I’m probably in the wrong, though remorse still eludes me.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You know, I think the part about your post and your comments in it that bugs me the most is that you keep insisting that you’re not trying to excuse yourself right before you barrel on, trying to excuse yourself. You’re up and down this thread making comments trying to minimize things and lessen the impact and convince people that it’s not as bad as we’re reading it.
You’re saying you didn’t intend to make her cry, but you also ‘said the most hurtful thing I could muster, specifically targeting what I knew would cause the most pain and distress’, so. I guess I’m at a loss over how you think A) someone hearing a comment specifically targeted to cause them maximum pain and distress isn’t also targeted to make them, you know, cry about it B) that’s somehow better? Oh, yeah, I wanted to inflict as much hurt as I could, but I didn’t want her to cry!
This post reads like her crying just made the cruelty of your comment real to you in a way that has discomfited you now that you’re sober and not in the heat of the moment, and now you want reassurance that it wasn’t that bad of a thing to do.
It was a pretty bad thing to do. She started the crap-slinging, and you stooped to her level and then went even lower. It sounds like you both owe each other a lot of apologies, but since that seems unlikely all I can say is ESH.
Also, you keep complaining that people are judging you based on a 3,000-word post about the worst thing you’ve ever done.
Trying to extrapolate too much about your entire life isn’t fair, but we can only go off what we’ve been given in your posts to make judgments on who is a jerk in a situation. You’re the one who wrote into AITJ asking for a judgment.” Keyteor
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You’re both teenagers, you’re both being horrible to one another. You asked if you were the butthole in this situation? Yes, absolutely.
She was, too. I hope the both of you grow up.
I’ve been in your position, do yourself a favor and acknowledge that the both of you are contributing to the horrible and frankly sad state of affairs.
Stop hurting each other, it won’t help anything. Do you want to be the person you portrayed here even in the slightest? Do better.
Try to understand where her being horrible comes from.
She has issues coming from her father abandoning her. How would you feel if you were in her situation? How do you imagine her life went on from that point? Once you understand that her problems, pettiness, issues, anger, and all that don’t actually have much to do with you personally apart from you being a valve/coping mechanism/ perpetuating a horrible albeit familiar situation, you’ll only feel pity for her.
And maybe you’ll see that you still have a lot to learn, too.
It’s pretty hard to say all this without sounding condescending… so if it does, I’m sorry, it’s meant as a suggestion/relation due to the same experiences.
I hope you both get out of this okay and grow stronger and more understanding out of it.” ufeelme123
Another User Comments:
“ESH. To continue in a situation like that where everyone is all angry at each other, of course, a blowup like this was bound to happen.
It was wrong of her to be unfaithful, and wrong of her to say all that nasty stuff to you. But it was also wrong of you to intentionally find her weakest point to hurt her so badly. Why on earth you guys had kept living together up to this point, even after the breakup and everyone turning against her and each other, is absolutely beyond me. Was it really so impossible to try to work out different living arrangements? You set yourself up for this situation by staying in it. And she did too.” sommei
5. AITJ For Cutting Ties With My Friend Over Household Chores?
“Three years ago I (24F) moved into a flat with two other people. We’ll call them Joe (30M) and Mary (30F).
During the searching process, Joe went away twice while we looked. Mary had a full-time job and I was in my last year of university, Joe was not working or studying at the time. Once we started living together, it was always Mary and I doing the shopping, cleaning, and putting in money upfront for rent and bills (Joe literally never paid rent on time.) We tried to talk to him, but he would always have an excuse.
He started studying and working at the same time, so it was always: I don’t have the time, I’m too tired… I was the one that spent the most time at home so I said I didn’t mind doing a bit more but that I wasn’t gonna take care of everything.
When he had days off, he would spend them bringing girls over or going out and then being hungover at home.
Even on vacation, he didn’t do anything. He also used the living room as a personal workspace (tattoo artist) and never cleaned up after (there were ink stains all over the hardwood floor once he left). That’s when I started losing my patience. I get that you can be tired and I don’t mind helping out if I know that you don’t have time. But I don’t think it’s fair that I had to sacrifice my free time to clean so he could spend his doing whatever he wanted.
Every time we talked to him, he would do a lazy clean-up of one room and then we’d go back to the same dynamic. He even tried to convince us that it was our responsibility to adapt to him instead of him adapting to us. Other times he would get defensive and wouldn’t take any criticism, then he would become avoidant and not talk to us for days.
When he said that he was leaving, I was relieved.
I was so fed up at the end of it all I decided I didn’t want to keep in touch with him once he moved out. It was pretty ugly and we fought badly for the last few weeks he was there (even after because he didn’t even bother moving his stuff out before he left and left a glass bottle full of used tattooing needles).
He tried to make amends and said he didn’t want to end on bad terms, but I said it was too late and unfair that he got to keep my friendship after treating me and Mary like housekeepers.
We have had fun times and I admit he did some things that were nice while we lived together, but for me, his attitude was disrespectful and inconsiderate in general.
When I talk about this to our mutual friends, many claim I’m overreacting and that I shouldn’t end a friendship over house chores. I think that he had a chance to show me that he cared (helping us more around the house or just trying to be more considerate of our needs) and that he blew it. Our friends’ comments make me doubt because some of them now see me as TJ for not talking to him.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This just seems like you need validation.
Obviously, you are NTJ for not wanting to be friends with someone who was so utterly disrespectful to you and left dangerous bio-waste materials around the home.” soundlikebutactually
Another User Comments:
“If this was just about some chores, you’d be a bit of the jerk.
But NTJ because he has a long history of disrespect. He was making gross messes of ink and needles and would get defensive when you make reasonable requests of him.
Cut ties for sure, but for the whole package.” Reddit user
4. AITJ For Purposefully Not Telling My Friend Happy Birthday?
“We were best friends since elementary school. We had the same friend group, and as the years went by and the friend group dissolved, we stuck together. In high school, we were together so much people genuinely believed we were twins (doesn’t help that people thought we looked alike, I don’t see it though).
Our friendship was never very normal, I guess? We very rarely texted each other.
I mean, we shared almost all of our classes together and we hung out during lunch, so we didn’t really feel the need to very often. We’re both super introverted, so we used the time we had apart to recharge, and we were content with that.
When we graduated, she moved out of state for college. And I was so happy for her. She never really had a super great relationship with her dad and her brother who she lived with, so now she’s independent and doing all of the things she wanted to do.
I’m really proud of her, seriously. I sent her a fruit basket when she moved in. I also told her I wanted to still keep in touch with her, I didn’t want our friendship to fizzle out. I would send her an occasional Snapchat here and there, telling her what’s up in my life, and things I found funny. I would message her if a band we both liked released an album, things like that.
I was trying to still be the best friends that we were.
It’s been 3 years. She has texted me first only twice. The last time she did, it was around this time last year. She told me she was going to come back home for Christmas to spend time with her mom and her cats, and we needed to hang out. I told her of course, I was so excited!!
Christmas started approaching and she didn’t say anything.
I checked her Snapchat, but nothing. The holidays came and passed and I had no idea if she even came home. Either she came and left without telling me, or she decided to stay up north for Christmas and also didn’t tell me. Both scenarios really upset me. I don’t mind if she decided to stay, it’s just that she didn’t care enough to tell me.
It really hurt. Not to mention my birthday is Christmas eve, and she didn’t wish me a happy birthday. She used to always do that. Was she ignoring me on purpose? I just don’t get it.
I guess I’m just a little petty. Her birthday was just a few days ago, and I didn’t message her. I feel guilty about it though. For her birthday last year, I actually drew a photo of her.
It took me hours and she said she really liked it. And then she ignored me on my birthday and didn’t tell me if she was in town or not. I guess I’m just butthurt that I’m putting all of this effort into staying in touch, and I get nothing in return.
I know these things happen as you get older, I just thought that we meant enough to each other to not let time rip us apart.
Maybe I’m wrong. I really just needed to vent about this, so that’s why this post is so long. But if you have any advice or insight, I’d love to hear it regardless.
AITJ for being bitter and not wishing her happy birthday, like she did to me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you were a little petty.
I’ve been there with not being wished happy birthday by close ‘friends’. I know you didn’t expect her to bring a mariachi band and a giant cake with a showgirl bursting out. I understand you just wanted the text. But sometimes friendships fall apart. Take this and leave it be.” TurquoiseSucculents4
3. AITJ For Blowing Up At My Roommate?
“I have two roommates – we’ll call them Kate and Elle.
The three of us always keep the door open so that we don’t have to bring our keys with us. But last night, Elle and I were tired and our floor was being loud so we closed our door at 11 PM. Also, I should mention that Kate barely ever sleeps in our dorm (she always stays at her partner’s and they only come to our room if his roommate is with someone).
It doesn’t bother me that much when they come, but he snores loudly and the two of them talk which prevents me from sleeping. And I have been extremely tired and stressed this week because it is finals season (at our school we have a week before finals to just study) so I didn’t want to have to deal with that.
Anyway, Kate and her partner came back to the dorm at 1 AM and woke Elle and me up.
The two of them knocked on the door and neither one of us opened it assuming they would get the hint that we’re sleeping and leave. (This is not where I think she is rude, this is just me explaining the situation and showing that I was in the wrong too.) Nope. They continued to hit on the door for 5 minutes. Finally, I got up and opened it, showing her that I was sleeping and that she needs to be quiet.
She apologized and they came in, and I thought that was the end of it.
For the next twenty minutes, Kate and her partner laughed and talked in bed and the bed kept creaking loudly. They were obviously being intimate. I got out of bed, turned on the lights in the room, and started yelling at her about everything she does that is inconsiderate and disrespectful, then turned off the lights and got back into bed.
AITJ for flipping out on her, especially since I never really expressed my anger before? Or was I in the right since she was being inconsiderate at the moment so I was justified? I feel that her barging in late at night like that and keeping Elle and me up shows how little respect she has for us.
But after I yelled at her she started crying for ten minutes.
Once she was done crying though, Kate and her partner left? Which meant they didn’t even need to come to our room in the first place and should have gotten the hint before I had to yell at her??
EDIT: We share an 11×11 bedroom. I am on a bunk bed with Elle, Kate is on a lofted bed right next to us. Also, we sometimes close the door if it’s late at night (have done it before) and she just leaves if it’s closed.
But last night I assume they were adamant about getting in because his roommate had a girl over, but that’s just my guess.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH – obviously if none of you take your keys with you, and then one of you shuts the door, it’s understandable that you would get woken up when your roommate has to come home. I get that you didn’t anticipate her coming back, but you and Elle set that up for yourselves.
Kate should have been more respectful when she came home given that you guys were obviously asleep, but honestly, I think you’re the bigger jerk in this situation. I don’t think 20 minutes of noise warrants being flipped out on like that, and you certainly didn’t have to be so harsh as to bring up all of the other unnecessary stuff that you have a problem with.
That would have warranted a normal conversation, and honestly, you’ve kind of lost your leg to stand on as far as those go now with your petty, immature freak-out.
Living in shared accommodation, you’re going to get woken up sometimes. If you don’t like that, rent privately. If you have a problem with your roommate, talk to them about it, don’t be all weird and psycho in the middle of the night about it.” soundlikebutactually
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
They were obviously inconsiderate, but this is why you need to have open communication rather than let everything build up. It was uncalled for to start screaming at her about everything she’s ever done that bothers you.
Also, by your own admission, it’s normal that you don’t keep keys on you (which is not very smart, by the way, you should all start carrying keys and locking your door).
So why were you so angry that Kate knocked on the door to get in? Her doing that wasn’t an issue. Her hooking up with her partner with you in the room is too much, though.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you guys agreed to leave the door open so you don’t have to use keys then you locked her out and were going to wait for her to ‘get the hint’ and leave when she knocked to get in? It’s her room too. You should have let her in the second she knocked.
And yes – I agree hooking up in the room while you were all there is not appropriate and you should have said something, however, turning the lights on and yelling was not the way to handle that.
Grow up.” all02116
2. WIBTJ For Ghosting My Friend?
“I have a friend, Ashley, who I met through mutual friends (Denise and Ana).
Earlier in the year, I noticed she deleted her social media. I messaged her if everything was okay. I didn’t receive a response. Why was I being ghosted? I decided to move on and if she wanted to reach out to me she will. Then a month ago she adds me on social media.
I added her and then noticed her location said Texas. I thought, ‘did she really move?’ I messaged her. Sure enough, she did move. When I messaged her she said it was all last minute. I found out through Denise and Ana that they did know.
Last week Ashley texted me that she will be in town and that we can meet up. Friday comes and she sends a group message to me, Denise and Ana and says she is boarding and ‘can’t wait to see all of us this weekend.’ We all reply with our safe travels and can’t wait to see you messages.
The group chat went dead after that. Ashley didn’t text us that she arrived or if we can meet her someplace. Naturally, I thought she was busy with family and I totally understood this. I kept my phone by me all weekend in case. I even told my husband on Saturday that I wanted to reach out to Ashley because I’m keeping my weekend open and didn’t hear anything from her.
My husband said not to and that if Ashley wanted to reach out to me, she would. I said okay and left it that way. She didn’t message me all weekend.
I was feeling very down about all of this Sunday morning. I texted Ana and asked if she saw Ashley and she said yes. She said she met her at the airport. Then I asked if Denise saw her.
She said yes. I messaged Ashley right after and said ‘Hey girl. I know you’re super busy this weekend with your visit. I was waiting for you to give me details on Friday. I would have met up with you.’ No response.
After I sent that message she texted the group chat that she created on Friday and said ‘So sorry I didn’t spend a lot of time with all of you.
Happy Holidays.’ I didn’t respond. Later on in the day she said, ‘I’m so sorry. I sent my arrival details on Friday and thought you would reach out if you had time. I know you’re always busy and didn’t want to bother you.’
But she didn’t send any arrival details in the group message if that is what she is referring to. Next off, she left the state without even telling me a thing and she expected ME to reach out to HER to meet up this weekend? She is the one who left town! And I found out through social media! So yesterday morning Ashley sent me a text.
It said ‘Hey girl. I’m reaching back out to you because I didn’t receive a response from you on Sunday. I’m hoping we are still okay. I hope I didn’t upset you or offend you. A lot happened this weekend that I didn’t expect. A lot of my initial plans were put off and I apologize if I offended you. Love you.’
WIBTJ if I ghost her? I just really feel she is playing games with me.
For my mental health, I want to cut off contact with her.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you’re being really dramatic over a miscommunication. You didn’t reach out to her. She didn’t reach out to you. If you don’t want to have a relationship with this person then don’t but what ‘games’ are being played here? You don’t sound like you value your relationship with this person so.. yeah I probably wouldn’t invest much energy into them in the future.
But I don’t see the point in making a big dramatic event out of it and ‘ghosting’ her. Just be an adult and explain how you feel, and let her say her piece. Or don’t. But you’re being a little silly.
She even reached out to apologize. I’m not really understanding your perspective, you’re acting like her life revolves around you. It doesn’t.” giroogamesh
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, because 19 times out of 20, ghosting someone makes you the jerk.
Maybe talk to her instead? Tell her how these things made you feel and then see how she reacts.
Honestly, if I told a friend I’d be in their city over the weekend, I would expect them to say whether or not they had time for me, and when. Instead, you both just seemed to be waiting for the other to take initiative, and in that case, you’re at least as much to blame as her.” DontMakeMeChoose_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she jerks you around too much and why is she expecting you to read her mind and meet her at the airport when she didn’t say so or send any messages to that effect? She blamed you for her lack of caring about you (‘oh well my other friends knew what to do.’) This after telling you in the group chat how excited she was to see all of you! This woman is too much emotional work.” pertobello
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She sent a very reasonable explanation for what happened, if that’s not good enough for you then what is? But in general, why do you even care so much? Friendship isn’t supposed to be stressful, just let it be what it is.” Reddit user
1. AITJ For Going Behind My Dad's Back?
“I am a senior in high school, I’m due to graduate in the spring. I’ve been accepted to college and I really don’t want anything to get in the way of that.
This week, my homeroom teacher pulled me aside and said my parents hadn’t paid class dues for four years even though they’ve been reminded a lot. I had no idea what she was talking about, my parents never said a thing to me.
I thought they’d covered all my school fees.
She said my family would have to pay or I couldn’t get my diploma. I’d been doing all the things dues covered: sports, class trips, yearbook, dances, after-school clubs, etc.
I asked what was owed and apparently, dues were $120 a year. So $480 in total. I asked her if she was sure my parents knew and she said yes, there had been a lot of emails and phone calls.
So I was mad, I need my diploma to go to college and my parents were screwing me over.
I called my dad saying that he needs to pay the school dues thing so I could get my diploma, and he was MAD. Saying that the school had no right to deny me a diploma, he’d be coming in first thing the next morning with me to have a talk.
I really wanted to resolve this so that night I went to my bank and withdrew $480 and put it in my purse just in case.
The next morning, my dad came in and demanded to see my teacher and principal before class started.
He was getting mad saying that all the education should be covered by taxes, (bull crap, he votes for less and less education budget every year) they can’t do that, he’ll sue. (Bull crap, he doesn’t have the time off work or the money to take crap to court.)
My teacher was like ‘The dues are for her sports and events and trips, not education’ and he was not listening.
That bothered me, she’s one of my favorite teachers and he had no right to be disrespecting her. So I took out my money and started counting it. Counting out $480 in twenties so I’d make sure I had the amount right. Everyone noticed, and my dad was like ‘what are you doing’ and I didn’t say anything, just gave the money to my teacher and said ‘here you go, it’s all covered.’
My dad started losing it at me, asking where the money was from, and I was like ‘chill it’s not yours’ and he was mad at me for having done that and undermining him as a father, and blah blah blah.
At the end of the day, my teacher went to talk to me again and said she couldn’t take the money, to keep it for college, the school was waiving my dues.
I was really shocked and kept asking if she was sure, and she said yes, I was really thankful, like I was crying.
I went home and my dad who didn’t know I had the money was furious at me, calling me dramatic and reckless and also interrogating me about where I got all that money.
I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, enough had been said about all of it.
AITJ for going behind my dad’s back like that?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
For the record, the diploma is just a piece of paper that you hang on the wall. It has ZERO to do with attendance at any post-secondary institution. The most you have to worry about there is not being allowed to walk with your class.
The concern is them holding your official transcripts. They can’t hold your unofficial transcript but most universities want an official one so that could be an issue.
There is a valid case to be made that the school in effect waived the prior year’s fees when they allowed you to participate in the next year’s activities without the fees having been paid.
Before you get overly weepy about how wonderful the administration is being here, they aren’t.
A teacher you like and trust told you that unless the school was paid $480 your future would be destroyed (you assumed not getting your diploma would destroy your future) and then after your father threatened to sue you handed them the funds for the fees. Basically, they blackmailed a child into paying $480. Extortion is a crime and with your father being angry and already threatening to sue, it was in their best interest to give you back the funds, waive the fees, and hope to God he doesn’t sue.
I don’t know what state you are in, but a couple have made it illegal to withhold official transcripts for unpaid fees.
No school wants to be the reason another such law is passed. Always remember: Everything is deemed legal until it is specifically made illegal. Schools rely on parents blindly paying those fees and not raising a fuss.” ACCER1
Another User Comments:
“Not at all. Been there myself; had my step-dad literally hand me all the bills for my last two years (the years that really mattered to allow me to enroll in college and all) of school saying I needed to cover it on my birthday.
I went to a pretty expensive school, so even getting a part-time wasn’t going to cover it at all and I was too young to get a loan.
He honestly thought he got me good there. Little did he know I applied for the school’s waiver program (scholarship) and did the interviews and tests because I knew he’d pull a stunt like this the moment I turned the legal age to work.
Unfortunately, I failed, missing the margin by 3% on my scores.
My mum tried to support me and my older brothers chipped in a couple here and there, but in the end, after the school and the principal (God bless him, he’s genuinely one of the nicest and most important people in my life) found out, they immediately waived the entire 2 years of fees and covered everything.
The only catch was for me to do more hours giving back to the school community which was what I did anyway, and enjoyed doing.
You did good, standing your ground and going for what you wanted.
NTJ. Kudos to you. And wishing you good luck with college! Rooting for ya from HK.
Also just to clarify, I don’t hold any grudges against him. He gave me the best education I could’ve gotten (whether he paid or not), and despite all the terrible things, trauma, and mistreatment he has done in my life, either towards me or my family, we wouldn’t be the people we are today, and I know he regrets a lot of his actions and choices and will have to live with that for the rest of his days.
Mum tells me there are times he wishes he wasn’t stupid or so fueled by his emotions, so at least I got that going for me.” danno_hk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but his bad faith arguments are irrelevant, whether they are actually of bad faith or not. It was not problem-solving time, it was arguing time. No one is rational when he/she is mad.
Props to the school for waiving the fees in light of these events.
Props to you for taking responsibility. Props to your father for not accepting something he considered (legitimately or not) unjust.
If anything, you may be a bit of a jerk for thinking straight away that your parents were ‘screwing you over’ somehow, instead of trusting them to act in your best interests. But then, it may be legitimized by past situations. IDK.
When you say ‘everyone noticed’, how many people were present? Did you ridicule your father in front of a crowd by undercutting him? Beautiful power move, but you didn’t leave him any exit strategy.
Another course of action would have been to wait for him to leave because of classes beginning and then to give your teacher the money. You would have avoided both the scene and the renewed scrutiny of your father who suspects you of hiding things from him.
If the situation arises again, you may want to take a deep breath and talk it out calmly with third parties in private before acting.
Shouting is unnecessary (pretty much all the time), and acting before you know the whole story may add to the confusion. For example, what is your mom’s point of view there? Do you have older siblings and did they have the same problem? Younger siblings in middle school? Can your parents actually pay? Was the bill sent to them after the facts without prior knowledge that it wasn’t free? In the words of Spinoza: ‘Caute!’
Don’t worry too much about your teacher.
Parents are an adversarial species, and worse ones have been spotted and studied.
Good luck with college!” TurtlPuff
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
First, your father is probably right. Schools can’t withhold diplomas over fees for extracurricular activities AND ‘dues’ for EC activities are generally voluntary. Here in California, they’ve started putting a disclaimer on the bottom of all ‘dues’ notices to avoid unending legal problems.
Second, even if you were going to pay it, you don’t do it in that manner. You undermined him in front of third parties. That’s just not something family does to one another.
I like how you slipped in all kinds of irrelevant information (value judgments) about your father and his political views into your post. This makes me think you set this up intentionally to embarrass him. You’ve got a lot of growing up to do.” Overlord1317
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