People Explain Their Stirring "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
12. AITJ For Making My Kid Buy Me A Hoodie?
“My daughter (14) is constantly borrowing my hoodies which I’m totally fine with, not the problem. We have a one-year-old lab who loves to chew on things so we constantly have to be careful not to leave things out that he might find delicious! Yesterday she came home from school and for the 100th time left my hoodie lying on the couch.
Normally he follows her around everywhere so she has time to get to it before he starts chewing on it but yesterday she went to the restroom after taking it off and didn’t notice.
When my younger daughter got home she found him with the sleeve in his mouth. It wasn’t so bad but it’s ruined nonetheless. I told her she had to buy me a replacement hoodie because this wasn’t the first time she was careless with other people’s things (she constantly misplaces her brother’s air pods).
She agreed to buy a new hoodie with her chores earnings but said I was being unfair because I knew she was saving to buy something else. So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I live in the exact same situation. All of the sudden there’s a teenage girl in my house who wears the same size shoes as me and it’s awful! Having a puppy sucks (we have one of those right now too) but your daughter knows the puppy chews and left it out anyway.
She needs to learn that when you borrow something from someone you are responsible for taking extra care to return it in the condition it was borrowed. She didn’t and now she has to pay for her carelessness.
Also, judging from personal experience at 14 everything is the end of the world and you’ll be the meanest mom ever about 3 times a day. I think that just comes with the territory.” Sad_Researcher_781
Another User Comments:
“Puppies are going to chew and everyone in the family has to put things away until they get out of that phase and are better trained.
You’ve asked your daughter before not to leave things lying around, and you’ve pointed out that she’s been careless with other people’s things as well. At some point she needs a real consequence, not just words, and having her pay for the hoody is a perfectly natural consequence.” HomelyHobbit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
While leaving things on the couch is a reasonable thing to do under normal circumstances, your daughter has clearly been told multiple times not to do so to avoid ruining your things and she continues to do it anyway.
Note normal teenage behavior, but that doesn’t make it any less irresponsible. Add to that the fact that she is regularly being careless with other people’s things and you’re definitely NTJ. She’s going to have to learn to be more responsible, especially with things she’s borrowed that don’t belong to her, so I think having to buy you a new hoodie is perfectly fair and will help teach that lesson because she will have real-world consequences for her actions.” User
11. AITJ For Not Sharing My Inheritance?
“I was a BIG oops. My bio-mom was a wealthy woman who apparently never wanted marriage or kids. She met my dad at a work event (same job type, different locations, not sharing specifics for anonymity) and they started seeing each other casually for a few months and then boom, she’s pregnant. My father begged her to keep me because he was actually MARRIED and was told his wife only had like a 1% chance of ever carrying a baby to term.
She agreed only on the stipulation that she can give me up, no visitation, no parenting, nothing but child support and he and his wife reached an agreement and took me under the ruse she’d raise me as HER biological daughter.
Needless to say, I never met my bio-mom. But it doesn’t get any better for me from there.
My stepmom actually ended up having a miracle about a year after I was born. A son.
My brother has NEVER treated me any different and I love him dearly but I could always tell I was never my parents’ priority. I more or less just kind of existed to be seen, never heard or really acknowledged unless it was something for the ‘family’.
When I turned 13 I got the opportunity to meet my bio-grandma (mom’s mom). She had no idea I existed and petitioned for visitation. I loved it so much with her that I asked if I could live with her.
My dad and stepmom seemed happy to be rid of me and accepted. My bio-mom never visited her mom anyway (a rift over her not settling down and having kids). Well, that was 6 years ago.
My bio-mom just died a month ago and surprisingly left EVERYTHING she owned to me with the stipulation that I go to school for business and better myself (according to her letter that the lawyer and trustee told me about).
This is a life-changing inheritance I’m talking about I went from the lowest middle class (grandma left everything to me, but it wasn’t alot, just the house and a couple thousand) to a multimillionaire.
Now my dad and stepmom are on my case to share the moolah. I have no idea how they found out as grandma passed last year (right after I graduated, it was her dream to see me graduate and she had been sick for a few years) and the only person I talk to is my brother but I never even told him.
Apparently, they don’t have the funds to send him to an ivy league school as they’ve always wanted, but money is no longer an object for ME. I know they raised me for 13 years, but this could really change my life.
AITJ if I don’t share it?
UPDATE:
I’m not sure about the protocol of an update but I have one. I made an appointment to see the lawyer and trustee handling my bio-mom’s estate. So the gist of the meeting ended with them telling me that how my mother wrote her will, in order for the inheritance to TRULY be mine, I have to go to business school.
So I couldn’t even give part of my inheritance to my dad and stepmom even if I wanted to, which, thanks to all of you, I learned I have no moral obligation to do and WON’T be doing.
Plus, I talked to my brother and he doesn’t even WANT to go to an ivy league school, he wants to go to art school and dad and stepmom REFUSE to pay for it.
I offered to him that after I complete my business degree, which I’m going to do, I would be MORE than happy to pay for his art school. He graciously accepted and told our dad and it did NOT go well.
They have threatened to disown him. They apparently want him to be a lawyer or doctor or something with a high salary so he can ‘take care of them’ I guess. They had a massive blowout fight and he is now moving out of their house and into mine.
While he’s still in high school, he is TECHNICALLY 18 now so I’m not sure if I’ll get in trouble with the police, but I wasn’t about to let my brother live in the streets! I’ve been driving him to and from school while still working until I can register for business school.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You owe no one in this situation. Your parents had a moral and legal responsibility to care for you and your sibling, and they did the minimum for you. Do the minimum for them as well.
If you want to consider treating your brother, now that you have the means, discuss that possibility with him privately and directly and do not engage in conversation with your ‘parents’ regarding anything else.
Please consider getting financial and legal advice on how to best move forward with this inheritance, as there are likely long-term implications to consider that you will need professional guidance to navigate. Set up investments for the future, secure your assets, and do not disclose the amount to anyone.” EvilLadyJ
Another User Comments:
“On a mostly unrelated note, I’d want to offer the following: my brothers and cousins and I were gifted hefty inheritances from a grandparent but there were peculiar stipulations.
The trust reads that we get half when we turn 30 or graduate college – whichever comes last. Which is to say without graduating college that first half isn’t available. The second half was stipulated as ‘if the conditions are met to distribute the first half, the second half shall be distributed at the age of 40’.
All of this was a hedge against giving a young, uneducated kid a bunch of coins.
So while I don’t know all your details I would invite you to contact a financial advisor and resist any big purchases.
We are not well prepared to think about the long term in our youth. Sitting on your inheritance to guarantee a comfortable future will be the approach that serves you best. It goes fast and before long you have nothing to show for it.
Make sure you’re in a good space to access and spend those dollars. If that isn’t now, lock it up until that time comes.” BrevitysLazyCousin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your dough. It doesn’t matter how good or bad your relationship is with your parents or your brother.
That moolah is rightfully yours, and since there is a stipulation to it you will have earned it. If you feel like you want your brother to go to a better school, great. If you don’t that’s fine too.
No one is entitled to your inehritance unless you have debts, and you need to make that clear to your parents even if you do decide to help your brother. There are all sorts of people from lottery winners to star athletes who can attest to the fact that if you start giving it to people who feel entitled to it, they will not stop until they bleed you dry.
When they’ve taken everything from you and sent you to the poor house they will have nothing for you in return.
If you do decide to help your brother, go to a lawyer first. Set up a trust that has the same kind of stipulations as your inheritance did, he only gets it if he goes to a top-flight school and he has to graduate.
Make sure it’s in his name and that your parents can’t touch it.
Again, this is yours. They are not entitled to a single penny of it, not even for the years when they raised you.
If you don’t want to give them any just remember these people who are supposed to love you are putting their greed over your happiness.” Specialist-Lunch-410
Another User Comments:
“You are a jerk if you do not sit down and learn how to save, invest and live below your means (which are now much higher).
I just inherited many millions. Shocking amount from grandma… but it wasn’t the least bit life-changing at all. See, I saved and invested. From just regular-type jobs, my wife and I saved/invest. We traveled, had fun, but 25% went to savings before we could touch it.
By my 40s, we were multimillionaires and dividends were adding another $60-$70K/year, then I started doing startups and had some hits, more millions. We take private tours of the Galapagos and I’m a kind of one-man VC in the tech industry.
Now we get this inheritance but a relative who had a share sued for more. A clause in the will meant they lost their share. So, more money rolled in and they begged for a share of the amount.
NOPE! No soup for you!! AITJ ha!
First of all, we invest a lot now and I’m using it to focus on climate change mitigation and adaptation. So, I still work (go figure) and invest.
Our kids were given $30K seed money several years ago and taught to invest, they all have >$100K right now with a pinky promise that they won’t touch it until they are near 50.
I don’t want them to become rich jerks, they have to work. But, as they get older, as I did, I want them to be able to do quite a sucky job, start a business secure that they can fall back on cash.
We told them since they’ve all kept their bargain so far, that we’re adding some more… but like another $30K. That’s how it will go. The new money will go towards investing to buy a house maybe in 10 years.
We do help some people (nephew’s school transfer to a better more expensive college because the dude is smart enough, but couldn’t afford it) and projects helping buy/preserve land and similar things from time to time.
So, as others have said, if you can really afford it, you can set up an educational trust for him. You should pay a lawyer to do this. At the very least, put the rest into S&P 500 and let it ride.
Don’t blow it. The S&P 500 went up 97% in the last 3 years. You will almost never do that well again, but 7-10% is common (and losses occasionally are common, keep your funds in the market, however).
Do not give your parents a penny. Nope.” blarryg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Get yourself an estate planner/lawyer and financial planner. Get documents in place for what happens to you should you need a power of attorney or someone to make medical decisions for you.
You do not want these ‘parents’ making those choices. Also, plan what will happen to your possessions should you die. Make sure it’s in the form of a trust that pays out over time not all at once.
And most importantly, don’t tell anyone anything about any of this. You keep a copy of these documents and have the lawyer keep a copy.
Now onto the situation. You said your brother never treated you badly or differently so if you love and care for him then you could set something up to pay for his school if you want to.
Work this out with only him and your financial planner. It gets paid per semester to the college directly. He is responsible for his own books, housing, meal plan, etc. He has to maintain his grades.
Failed classes will result in not paying for the make-up course and flunking out will result in no further tuition. And up to a certain amount only or a certain degree like you will pay up to a masters degree but not for a Ph.D.
Just set limits and boundaries and let him know them ahead of time. Your inheritance is a gift from your bio mom and you can use this to give a gift to your sibling who was the only person in your immediate family who treated you well.
That said you don’t owe anyone anything and you don’t have to share unless you want to.
As far as your parents, I wouldn’t give them a dime. Now that they know you are rich, they will attempt to get it from you any way they can. They will suddenly have unexpected bills or be losing the house or some kind of emergency within the next 6 months..” mocha_lattes_
10. AITJ For Taking My Sister's Money After She Uses My Card?
“For context, I (17 M) Have been on and off with working since I would mainly focus on school but do some side gigs or do seasonal work so I can save some to help me get my first car.
My little sister is (13F) and has had a financial issue in the past.
For a few days now, I noticed on my bank app that random transactions were on my card (Ex. Apple-BILL, AliExpress, and Depop), I originally thought these were late charges as I had ordered stuff from those places but when I called my bank, they informed me these look like recent transactions and I had to lock my card due to fraud.
The total amount that was taken out of my account was $67.39, I informed my mother about the situation and she said she would keep an eye on everyone in the family to see who was using it.
Today, I had to go to in-person school and I left my wallet at home, once again, I see another transaction of $1.05 was placed on my credit card and I received a message from a Depop account asking for confirmation of a squishmallow.
Immediately I got upset, called my mom, and demanded that she gets my sister and tell her that I know that she’s been using my card and that when I get home, she will have to pay me back.
I got home and my sister refused to give up any amount, insisting that I can’t take her money and that she would do all my chores and that I can cancel the items she order but still refusing to give up anything.
I got angry and went through my sister’s wallet and took out the whole amount that was taken out of my card.
My mom thinks that I went too far and that I was in the wrong and that my sister is going to have major trust issues with me but I don’t think I did anything wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and as someone who was once in a very similar situation as you, I’m sorry.
You work hard for your money and are choosing to save for something you will need in the future and your mother is enabling your sister. This will continue in both their lives for years and years.
Set your boundaries and make them stick to them.
When I was 19 I asked my stepsister to start my car for me before I left for classes. While driving I noticed my recently cashed paycheck was sticking out of my wallet.
I counted it and realized $20 was missing. I turned around and drove home to confront her (not the first time I caught her stealing from me and she was a few months older).
When that got nowhere I went to my dad’s office and explained (not calmly) what happened. He told me to go to class and he would figure it out. I didn’t go to class, I went home to confront her again but she had left with my baby niece, and surprise she went shopping.
My stepmom comes home and hands me $20 to cover what was stolen that day. I took it and told her to deal with her daughter. We are now 20 years later and my parents basically raised her 3 children, 15, 18, and 21 with actual custody of the oldest and they are still bailing her out daily.
This will likely be your sister in the future (but I hope not) Please request a new card from your bank with a new pin that is never shared. Take your card and cash with you or leave it in a lockbox at home where you are the only one with access.
I wish you luck as you work towards your car purchase and whatever else you want to do!” TheKairos
Another User Comments:
“Your mom really dropped the ball on this. Not only should your sister have to pay you back, but she should also either pay you extra ($20.00 is the least someone could expect from a bank overdraft fee so that’s a reasonable amount) for taking your dough in the first place, or she should have to do your chores for X amount of time to make up for it.
As others have pointed out, your mom’s not doing your sister any favors by glossing this matter over. If your sister’s already had issues, she needs to know that there are consequences for her actions (like paying extra or doing chores), and those consequences will be enforced.
Although I ordinarily wouldn’t support you taking the moolah, I’m saying NTJ this time. Keep your card someplace your sister can’t find it from here out.” TotallyLuminarious
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s very likely your mother KNEW she had your card the second you brought it up.
This while ‘I’m gonna watch everyone in the house’ is nonsense. Unless she thinks everyone in the home is a potential thief, which means you have bigger problems.
You said your sister has ‘had financial issues in the past.’ Do you mean STEALING in the past? WHAT THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD has ‘financial issues’? She isn’t paying the mortgage and utilities while working three jobs, lol.
Your mother is catering to her, enabling her theft, gaslighting YOU, and raising a future criminal. This is how Casey Anthony got started, stealing from family, then moving on to friends, and then finally her grandparent’s nursing home accounts, before her child ‘died’.
Making excuses for her, not wanting the theft to be paid off, then blaming and insulting the victim, are all things that lead to a sense of entitlement but also invincibility. Your sister will someday believe that she is too smart to get caught, BUT even if she did get caught, nothing will happen because it’s all the other person’s fault!” AbbyFB6969
9. AITJ For Not Giving The House To A Relative To Rent It Until It's Paid Off?
“I got the house a while back when it was just $200k. It is now worth $450,000. 15-year mortgage. It is now paid off. Basically, my relative did not have the budget nor the credit to get the house 15 years ago.
So I basically put my name on the mortgage for them. I also put the down payment, roughly spent about $30k closing cost.
Now his wife has the dough and they say they can pay me that $30k back and that I should because they basically paid it off.
He said they’d give me twice the amount I paid, so $60k.
I don’t particularly like him. He is lazy and always leeching off of his wife. He never had a steady job and my sister-in-law paid most of the rent if not all.
Even though he is already almost 50 he is still addicted to just sitting down and playing on the computer or Xbox. For the past 18 years, he’s never able to hold a job for a year.
All he wants to do is smoke stuff all day because he said it calms him down, makes him relaxed and happy, or whatever excuse he wanted to make. I have nothing against this as I smoke too but I always have a steady job.
Honestly, if he is a responsible, hard-working guy or if he is out of the picture I would have probably given the house to my sister-in-law who is nice and sweet and the sole reason why I did the favor, but because he is in the picture, I won’t give the house.
That’s the only reason why I won’t give the house to them, it’s because of him. I don’t like him. Btw, his wife is fine, she said she can get another house.
FYI. My sis in law is also upset that I won’t give it to them because she had to hear it from him 24/7, but that’s the only reason why she’s upset.
She said she never expected me to give them the house since the beginning. But she loves him, so I am torn. AITJ for refusing to give them the house just because of his existence?
EDIT: Thank you everyone for your feedback.
It did give me some realizations. I truly dislike him, so what I have decided to do instead is make a Will and Testament that when I am gone, my house will be sold and will be divided: 20% will go to my SIL, 20% will go to my SIL first son, 20% will go to my SIL second son, 20% will go to my niece, 20% will go to my nephew.
But him personally, nothing for him, even over my dead body. ITJ till I’m gone, bishes.
EDIT 2: To place things in perspective, I bought the house at 24 years old after cashing out my 401k and a portion of my inheritance from my stepdad.
He was 34 years old at the time. I did pay for the repairs myself as at the time the property did not have enough equity yet to be used. The repairs came from me taking out 401k loans and cashing out my health savings account and a HELOC on my inherited home so I am not rich, I am just lucky.
I have a house from my stepfather so getting the house did not hinder me from getting a house of my own since I already have one.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but also YTJ. You got this house so they could have somewhere to live, not for yourself.
They’ve made all the mortgage payments and are paying back the down payment, so YTJ because they need a home and you don’t, and like they’ve totally paid for it. Sounds a little stingy, and I’m wondering why you offered to do it in the first place if you didn’t want them to eventually have the house, especially since you’re not trying to use it to earn.
So it’s really confusing why you don’t want to let the house go. NTJ because at the end of the day, it is your house. But your logic is weird. Everyone sucks here because it is insane to get into something like this without an agreement in writing.
Oof. If you’re concerned about them selling the home and earning off of it, then you handle that (in writing) beforehand. Also, take some time to appreciate that your problems involve having two homes when most people have trouble getting one.
Sounds like you’ve been very fortunate.” The_MistyXX
Another User Comments:
“Your relative is definitely NOT a jerk, but you might be. Read your post again and remove everything about his personality, mannerisms, and lifestyle. He has done NOTHING to wrong you.
Just because you helped them once does not give you the right to judge them. The only issue I see here is how much is fair compensation for you to walk away. They paid the mortgage, so you don’t ethically have a claim to ownership.
You deserve your $30K back, that’s for sure. Maybe $60K is fair, maybe not. What’s the return on investment of that $30K over 15 years? What were you going to do with it otherwise? Perhaps others can reply with an equitable arrangement.
But my advice to you is to make peace with the fact that you did a favor for them, and regardless of how you feel about HIS choices about HIS life, you are now prepared to walk away and let them enjoy the favor you did them.
Situations like this are an opportunity to prove what kind of people we are. Please don’t be a jerk.” Ecypslednerg
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – What it sounds like an agreement that you all failed to capture in writing, and so expectations now differ.
What I would do is add up all the costs of the house you’ve put in over the years including the down payment. That’s your base equity. You weren’t living there so you were never paying ‘rent.’ All of that money you get back off the top first when the house is appraised.
Then that plus half of whatever else the house is worth is what they should pay you for your share. The other half of the remaining equity is theirs IF they can buy you out.
I suspect not, but you need to not only recover everything you put into the place, but you also need to make a decent return on it as well. Maybe you’ll be happy with your equity plus some rate of interest, I don’t know.” the_one_demiurge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you bought the house so if you wanted to give it away you could, but it doesn’t matter how long they have been there or how much they paid.
It’s your house. Unrelated landlords don’t give away houses just because the tenant has lived there long enough to cover the mortgage. That’s just good business on the landlord’s part.
You might want to create a contract for the future, especially if you dislike the guy so much.
I imagine it would be hard to get him to leave the house if you ever decided you didn’t want them renting in the future or you wanted to sell the house.
Edit: in saying all that if there was an original agreement that they would eventually own the house then you would be the jerk because not liking someone is not a good enough reason to not uphold an agreement, especially if there were legal factors involved
Second Edit: after the edits YTJ.
They paid directly to the bank. You may have helped them get the house but from the sounds of it they have done and paid for everything since the original mortgage and repairs.” the-invisible-shadow
8. AITJ For Asking My Roommate With OCD To Clean The Bathroom?
“We are both college girls with pretty full schedules and hard classes, so everything is used pretty equally. My roommate has told me she has bad OCD and it’s the reason she doesn’t keep stuff like her toothbrush and towel in the bathroom.
I totally respect that, and I’m a clean person so I ensured her that it’d be easy to respect that and keep the shared areas clean. Fast forward to the end of the semester and she still has not once cleaned the bathroom or shared living spaces.
I’ve asked her multiple times to help me out or if we could do it together but her excuse is that she’s scared and it triggers her OCD. Let me give you an exact scenario where I don’t think her OCD counts.
I’m blonde, she has black hair. There’s been a giant pile of black hair on the drain for about two weeks now and I refuse to pick it up. Her poop stains are in the toilet at least once a day and she won’t clean it.
The trash can is full of sanitary products and she won’t take it out. I told her that just because she has OCD it doesn’t mean that she can leave a shared space dirty and she got annoyed.
I feel bad about critiquing a mental illness that I don’t know much about, but it feels like more of a laziness issue rather than an anxiety one. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She should also be cleaning spaces that she uses.
I’m not saying she doesn’t have OCD or that she’s using it as an excuse because who am I to decide that, but I’d think even if there are things or areas that trigger her, she’d at least make an effort to clean the areas that don’t instead.
Or talk to you about it and come up with a plan for who cleans what so it’s fair. If it was me in her shoes, that’s what I would be doing anyway. I just don’t know enough about OCD to say whether or not it can manifest as being afraid to clean anything, but you’re not a jerk for expecting her to pull her weight with cleaning shared spaces that she also uses.
You’re not her maid.” femmefatalx
Another User Comments:
“Okay, so I was about to go with a NTJ verdict until I read the last line. Lots of things get on my nerves but one of the worst is people claiming mental illness is just laziness.
That statement shows that you really have no idea what you’re talking about. But aside from that, I don’t agree with your roommate’s behavior and I don’t think you should have to put up with it.
If she can’t handle doing then cleaning then she needs to hire someone to do it for her, not make you do it all. If she can’t do that then she shouldn’t be in a shared living situation.
Either way, I encourage you to learn more about OCD even if you don’t continue to live with her. There’s a huge lack of education surrounding it and so many stereotypes. I have OCD and I have a very hard time cleaning up anything, even after myself.
Some things are worse than others.” BrattyyPrincesss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Anyway. Maybe this is a bit insensitive, but, I have fully diagnosed OCD myself. My therapist worked with me through exposure therapy and understanding my disorder so that I can get better.
Part of that was doing things like getting comfortable with dirt, dust, and, reflecting or redirecting on my obsessions and compulsions. I don’t understand her method, she just doesn’t allow herself to get anywhere near anything? Isn’t that just making her OCD worse? Not better? I used to spit constantly for example for fear of any dust particles getting on my lips and me swallowing it.
And now I only ever spit if something nasty or a hair gets in my mouth. This definitely doesn’t sound like proper treatment, the complete avoidance of said triggers. Plus, just because you have OCD doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do the bare minimum and maybe even get better and better at cleaning up messes/changing your reactions and such to compulsions.” Closeted_Gerbil
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go with ‘no jerks here’ as someone who has OCD that manifests in a similar way to your roommate.
You are definitely not responsible for her messes. My best suggestion would be to sit down with her and talk to her. If you’re in a position to do so, you can offer to do some of her cleanings in exchange for her picking up responsibility in a way that helps you as well.
An example with me and my roommate: I absolutely hate doing dishes. If I am washing a sink full of dishes, it usually ends with my hands raw and bleeding, I need a change of clothes, and it usually takes up the rest of my spoons so then I have even more trouble with things I need to get done that day like homework or other chores.
My roommate knows all this, so we have agreed that she will be the one to do the dishes most of the time, and I’m the one that cleans the bathroom most of the time.
(Don’t ask me why my OCD manifests in a way that doing dishes is horrible but cleaning toilets isn’t, OCD simply does not make sense lol).
Maybe let her know ‘I understand that this is difficult for you.
It’s not my responsibility to clean up after you, but I’m willing to work with you to find some sort of deal that will help us both out. I’m willing to do a/b/c for you if you will do x for me/pay x% more of the rent/etc’.” coollegkid
Another User Comments:
“I have serious anxiety around cleaning.
Not cleaning up as I go (which I simply don’t remember to do, probably because of my ADD), but going back to a mess and cleaning it. It is very real and can be very, very bad.
Like crying in the middle of the floor if the mess is bad enough. So I will vouch for the difference between laziness and anxiety. Everybody thinks I’m lazy just because the issues I have are things that aren’t issues for them.
However, that’s not your problem. And it shouldn’t become your problem. Real-life exists and sometimes you have to do stuff that is hard. Sometimes that thing is really hard. Sometimes it’s a lot harder than respecting a shared living space, what is she going to do then? It’s her responsibility, and it’s her problem, and hopefully, someday she’ll find strategies to make it easier.
NTJ you shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of her in/actions.” GrouchyCounty
Another User Comments:
“I do get what she’s saying, cleaning can trigger my OCD too so I don’t do it as often as I should, but that doesn’t make it your job to do everything for her.
You share the space after all and she should contribute in some way too. If she’s getting upset with you for asking it does feel a bit like laziness, although that doesn’t mean OCD isn’t part of it too, and honestly, it’s hard to say without knowing how it affects her.
If cleaning resulted in hour-long compulsions it would make sense if she didn’t want to put in the effort, but if that’s the case she should find a different way to deal with it and contribute to the shared space.
I would suggest trying to talk it through with her, working out if there are particular parts she finds more difficult and why, and trying and split it in a way that works for both of you.
If she isn’t willing to consider doing any cleaning at all, just move out (or complain and force her to move out if it’s an option?). If she’s going to share a living space, she does need to learn to take some responsibility for it and while OCD is unpleasant, it doesn’t physically stop you cleaning (as far as I’m aware).” AbnormalAsh
7. AITJ For Keeping My Tutoring Budget Separate From Household Budget?
“So I (39f) am an English teacher making a teacher’s wage. My husband (44m) is a banker making twice my wage. We pool our finances, and after paying the mortgage, savings, and bills, we have equal ‘allowance’ each.
We’re pretty tight with our budget, and save/invest a lot. I want more free money to spend because I like spending on clothes and makeup, which my husband does not. He is very tight, which is fine, but I want more disposable income.
So I started tutoring a kid a couple of times a week and get $100 per week.
There has been a discussion that because I earn less than my husband (true) and he works longer hours than me (true) that some of that money from tutoring should be used for paying down the mortgage etc, and not on the way I want to spend it, which is on frivolous frippery.
AITJ?
Editing to add we pay 2k a month for his child support! I’m happy we pay it and we have the kids 4 nights a fortnight.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you mentioned that you pool your resources each month, and then take equal amounts of allowance.
Therefore I would guess (and maybe wrong) that most of your wage is taken up by bills, and therefore any allowance you currently have comes from your husband’s salary. If you’re now earning additional funds, and not sharing those with your husband, while still expecting your husband to share the additional money he makes with you, then YTJ.” unrelatedtopecans
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like they are putting a lot into saving/investing.
Also it’s clear she wishes they had more disposable income – so it seems like he is playing the ‘I earn more so I decide how we divide up our money’ card – and is insisting more coins go into savings than she would prefer.
Even if he earns more, deciding how much to save vs. Use is a joint decision- he doesn’t get to act like he has more power here. This might be time for a discussion about her putting more into the joint account, but he agrees that they should both get a bigger disposable income each month.
They should have equal say here!” Music_withRocks_In
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You both have valid perspectives.
From his perspective: 100% of his earned income goes into the common pool, whereas you hold your tutoring budget back as yours and yours alone.
Why should he put in more and get less?
From your perspective: You only started tutoring to supplement your share of discretionary income, after all, bills are paid and money is invested in savings. Why should you have to give this up when you earned it?
At this point, you just need to sit down and work out a compromise.
Maybe you agree that since he makes more than you do, he is allowed to hold back a portion of his income equal to your earnings from tutoring. Maybe you make a rule that second incomes are 100% optional and exempt from the income sharing agreement.
Maybe he realizes that the original agreement is too frugal and agrees to divert some amount from savings to spending for both of you. Or maybe you both realize that it is petty to nickel and dime each other in a long-term relationship, and treat individual expenditures over a certain threshold on a case-by-case basis.
There are no right or wrong answers; it’s just a matter of finding what feels fair to both of you.” velkana
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. If you pool your finances, then it doesn’t make sense that you get to keep some of yours.
Pooling your finances does mean sharing what you earn, and if he’s working harder than you it doesn’t seem fair that you have more allowance.
I do think he’s being ungenerous and should agree to let you keep at least some of that extra money for clothes and makeup, but you have ‘allowance,’ so you have some for those things anyway.
You just both need to agree on what’s reasonable.” WebbieVanderquack
Another User Comments:
“Have you thought about changing the proportions for a couple of months? Even if you do pool all your salary with his then do a fifty split, it seems unbalanced to me.
I earn $1000 a month, my partner makes $2000. Together that’s $3000 obviously. Thus, of all our money, he earns two-thirds while I earn one-third. Our mortgage is split two-thirds his and one-third mine.
Ten percent of his salary is two hundred dollars and mine is one hundred. If we split the mortgage so we each pay off the mortgage, that means he pays ten percent of his salary while I pay twenty percent…
I would run out of money much faster than my partner if I did that fifty-fifty split. You don’t always have to keep to the same agreement for years. Change things up once in a while.
Talk about fun money for each of you. Five percent of your own paychecks maybe? You use your share for frilly stuff, he uses his to pay down the mortgage or whatever else he wants to do.
And yes, with the right mortgage-paying five bucks extra can knock off five years off a mortgage.
We got the biggest solar system we could, so our electric bill is roughly $20 a month, due to monthly hookup fees.
Our solar makes so much electricity that we make twice as much as we spend. We took the rest of our former electric bill and started using that for extra mortgage funds. We won’t have water and sewer bills on a septic system and are looking into getting rid of our gas heater and things and switching to electric ones.
Thus, more budget for mortgage and yearly property taxes.
Try balancing your incomes versus bills a different way for a month or two, then reevaluate everything. Having pretty stuff is important to you while getting rid of the mortgage is important to him.
So you each get an agreed percentage of all your incomes, whatever you earn, to do what you want with it. I don’t see any jerks here, just two normal people with normal opinions on stuff. No jerks here.” Good-Sorbet1062
6. AITJ For Refusing To Share The Umbrella With My Girl?
“I (NB 19) am autistic and one of the things that I simply cannot handle are raindrops. The overstimulation of rain falling on me is one of the very few situations where I feel like my disability actually impairs me in my day-to-day life.
Because of that, I very frequently leave the house with a very big umbrella. Even if it’s sunny outside, if there’s even a smidge of a chance that it will rain, I’m bringing my large umbrella (it’s an expensive Golfer umbrella, these are usually the largest ones you can find.
It straps to my back like a backpack). My partner (F 20) often makes fun of me for carrying an umbrella almost half my size (has a 1.20m diameter when opened) even when the sun is shining bright, but I don’t pay her mind.
I’d rather be safe and dry than sorry and wet. Raindrops are a big no-no.
Anyway. A few days ago, I was out with my partner and since it was a date and I wanted to look good I decided to not take my wonky giant umbrella but instead a smaller one.
As always, the sun was shining bright. Not a single cloud in the sky. We hung out for a bit in a shopping mall (and she commented on my need to have an umbrella even on a sunny day and when we’re mostly staying inside).
When we were leaving the mall, however, it was raining a lot. A lot a lot. These kinds of situations are why I bring an umbrella with me at all times. The thing is, as soon as I opened my umbrella, she wanted to stay under it too.
I usually wouldn’t have a problem if I had my Golfer umbrella with me, but sadly, I only had my tiny one. It was barely enough to cover my whole body (I’m 6’3) when I’m alone, so it wouldn’t serve for anything if we were both under it.
We would both be completely wet. I explained to her that it only makes sense if only one of us is under it. I argued that I should have it because I’m always the one who makes sure to come prepared and that my autism does not mix well with heavy rain, but she got really upset that I let her stay in the rain when I had an umbrella.
She took an uber home and hasn’t texted me back ever since.
AITJ?
Edit: I should clarify that she did try to argue that we both fit under the umbrella, but I don’t think we do.
As I said, it still feels too small even when I’m by myself.
Edit 2: For everyone commenting that we were at a mall and could have bought an umbrella:
Yeah, you guys are right. Complete L on both of our parts to not think of that.
In my defense, rain stresses me and it’s hard to think, but that’s something so simple I’m a bit embarrassed I didn’t think of that even with the sensory overload.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The optimistic interpretation of events would be that she doesn’t understand the extent to which the sensation of raindrops distresses you.
If that’s the case, she might therefore have been operating under the assumption that it was a source of mild discomfort that she could reasonably expect you to risk in order to lessen the discomfort for both of you.
After all, being cold and wet isn’t fun for most people even if they don’t have a specific aversion to that particular sensory input. If it was a simple mild discomfort, it would be reasonable to expect one’s partner to share their umbrella, even if it didn’t completely cover you both.
It could even be an opportunity to snuggle close together as you walk, and enjoy some romantic closeness. HOWEVER, you do have a specific aversion to that sensory input. I’m not autistic myself, but my autistic friends have described some of their Bad Sensory Input experiences to me, and my understanding is that overstimulation is essentially pain.
It is not reasonable to expect one’s partner to endure pain in order to slightly lessen one’s own mild discomfort.
One part of your post gives me pause- you mention that she teases you for your umbrella, but that you ‘don’t pay her mind.’ But I wonder, have you told her about your sensory aversion to raindrops, and how the overstimulation feels? Have you explained fully why you always carry the umbrella? Not just a quick sentence or two like ‘in case it rains’ but a thorough walk-through of what you experience and how you choose to manage/avoid that? If not, you might want to do that.
I know autistic people tend to expect everyone to infer and read between the lines, but we do sometimes need things spelled out for us. If she doesn’t have the information I mentioned above, she might be assuming you didn’t want to share your umbrella because you were being selfish and didn’t care if she got cold and wet, or that you didn’t want to be physically close to her, both of which might be making her feel hurt.
Still, even in this most optimistic interpretation of the events, you’re not a jerk. My only question is whether she is a jerk (as she certainly would be if she had a full prior understanding of your sensory aversion), or if there are no jerks here.
EDIT: Also I just wanna add that there’s a difference between ‘mean teasing’ – (‘this thing you do is weird and bad and worthy of scorn, so I will mock you for it and laugh with scorn’) and ‘nice teasing’ – (‘this thing you do is unusual and delightful and amusing and cute, so I will reference it with amused affection and laugh with delight’).
She might think she’s nice teasing, but if her comments about your umbrella bother you, you should tell her that. If she really was nice teasing, she’ll be upset that she made you feel bad, and she’ll stop.
If she was mean teasing, she’s a jerk.” _higglety
Another User Comments:
“My husband is also autistic and is very conscious of the weather and also brings an umbrella if there is even a tiny chance of rain.
My suggestion is to get a nice high-end man bag to take with you whenever you are with your gf and place in it a fold-up small umbrella for her to use if it rains.
My husband has one and takes it everywhere. He has everything in there: Normal stuff like a wallet but also earplugs, toothpaste and emergency toothbrush, other emergency items. I hope she forgives you but honestly, after making fun of you so much I can’t help laughing at how she got rained on.” pamela271
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
It’s not mentioned anywhere, but if she keeps bringing up your umbrella, that seems to imply you haven’t communicated exactly how bad it is for you to experience rain hitting you. In almost every situation it would be considered really rude to insist your partner gets soaked while you stand under your umbrella.
You have an exception sure, but I don’t blame her for being upset, especially if she hasn’t been made to understand why it happened that way.” Lifesaboxofgardens
Another User Comments:
“(Soft) YTJ.
Genuine question – What happens when you’re overstimulated with raindrops? Does it get really bad quickly, or you can endure that feeling for like 5-10 minutes? I’m asking because I wanna form a proper judgment.
Honestly speaking, it’s a trashy thing to refuse you both stay under that umbrella. When two people are together and it rains, it’s common sense that both use the umbrella, no matter how small that is.
Now, you’re the one who should text her first.” 1_camellia_3
Another User Comments:
“This is one of those situations where your partner’s actions had consequences: if you don’t have an umbrella you need to be prepared to get wet should it happen to rain.
If you do get wet it’s only your own fault. You can’t go around complaining about it, even if there is another person who doesn’t wish to get wet in order for you to use their umbrella.
That’s entitled. Obviously, you could have bought an umbrella for her, as others have stated, but you can’t always think about everything. You did nothing wrong and you don’t need to change anything. You have a right to take care of yourself, and if an umbrella does the trick for you, then you absolutely should carry one with you.
HOWEVER, if this is not your hill to die on and you wish to be nice and considerate towards your partner, it could be very sweet of you to have a small travel-sized umbrella for her on those days you know she won’t fit under yours.
Just to show her you care and thought of her.
You always have your umbrella. She may think (maybe subconsciously, I dunno) that she doesn’t need to worry about rain when she’s with you. Tell her nicely she should have her own, at least when you are going to take a smaller one for yourself or have another umbrella just for her. Communicate. Make sure she actually understands your sensory issues. I don’t think this incident needs to be a big deal if everything else in your relationship is working well.” Possible-Quality-251
5. WIBTJ If I Sold My Dad's House?
“My (M24) dad was a ‘free spirit’ so to speak. For as long as I have been alive, he’s spent every moment he can traveling (the past couple of years greatly reduced this for obvious reasons) and he’s met women on those trips and was apparently not a very big fan of protection because I have four siblings (M23, F22, F19, and M15) from one night stands during his travels.
I saw him when he came back ‘home’ and he stayed for about a week then left again. He had his own house and my mom and I always lived elsewhere.
He died a couple of months ago, and the aforementioned house was left to me in his will.
My intention is to sell it, it has no sentimental value to me and I don’t even live in the same state anymore. And while I don’t strictly need the financial gains, it wouldn’t hurt.
My two older siblings and the mom of M15 are very upset about it. They have made it known to me that they consider it disrespectful to have gotten such a thing from him and not even have considered keeping it so shortly after his death.
I think it’s my choice, honestly, but talking to my mom about it she also thinks it would be wrong to sell it.”
Another User Comments:
“I used to rent a house that was owned by 5 siblings who inherited it after their elderly mother passed away.
4 of the 5 wanted to sell, as the place was a structural mess. The old girl had an unqualified handyman who lived onsite to do repairs, but none of them were up to code, and fixing the issues would’ve cost more than the house+5 acres were worth together.
They wanted to sell to someone who would demolish the house and start again.
But Narelle (fake name). Hoo boy, Narelle. She was the baby of the family, and she outright refused to sell, and as they all owned equal shares and she would not allow them to buy her out, they were stuck.
So the house was rented out in its barely holding together state. And living in it was a nightmare let me tell you.
The place was falling apart, and she refused to have a single thing fixed or replaced because ‘my mother put that in’.
She wouldn’t allow me to use my modern vacuum on the 30+yo threadbare carpet because it would pull bits of the carpet out, and she would not replace ‘mum’s carpet’. Just a bunch of stuff like that over the several years I lived there (the rent was cheap), and after I moved out the place actually failed a code inspection and was condemned.
And even still, Narelle’s siblings had to take her to court to wrest her share of the property from her so the place could be sold and demolished.
I stayed in contact with one of the other sister’s after moving out, and appeared in court the judge made a comment to Narelle about how her mother is dead and has been for 15 years, she doesn’t care about the house anymore, and that since she and her siblings inherited it, it was no longer her mum’s house, and she still broke down crying and insisted that she shouldn’t be expected to part with or change her mother’s ‘legacy’.
This was all a very long-winded way to say that you should just sell the place. Don’t get yourself stuck in a situation like this where you’ll be battling not one, but 3 or 4 siblings and their mothers in court 15yrs down the track when the place has become unsafe to inhabit and they won’t do anything to fix it or allow you to sell it.
It’s your inheritance, you own it now, do with it as seems right to you. NTJ.” leftytrash161
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You have a few options: Sell it now, rent it out, let it stay empty, or live in it.
If you sell it now, you get the funds and you might be able to invest or use in some other meaningful way.
If you rent it out, you get a passive income stream but have to take on the responsibilities of being a landlord.
If you leave it empty, there’s a good chance it just starts having maintenance issues while you have to pay taxes and insurance on the vacant house.
If you move in, you have housing, but it may not be the house or location you would choose for yourself.
Personally, I recommend selling the house or living in it. I know people who like being landlords, but I think that takes a special mindset.
You definitely shouldn’t just hold onto the house so another family member can live in it.
And you shouldn’t keep it for a sentimental reason.
Also, don’t give or lend any inheritance to your Mom, siblings, or anyone else without careful consideration.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – How ridiculous to claim that it is ‘disrespectful’ to sell the house.
It is a physical object and it was left to you for your father to do whatever you want to enhance your life – not to make it an emotional burden.
There really is no benefit in owning a house in a distant place as it will create headaches.
Most people don’t want to be landlords especially in single-family homes in distant locations.
Sell it for the best price but then use the moolah to invest in some way – either invest literally in some valid investment – generally an index fund with low management funds from Fidelity or Vanguard if you are in the US makes the most sense for people because returns, in the long run, pay off.
Or invest in yourself if you feel that education would help your long-term prospects.
Just don’t spend it all – take a small percentage to have some fun with and then stash the rest away.
Maybe at some point, you will use it for a down payment on your own home where you want to live.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, tbh?
Losing a family member sucks, so I get why your family members are upset and clinging to it.
But also like, it’s a house. If no one is living in it, then it’s just going to rot and that’s a massive waste.
If you don’t have the intention of using it, and the property is in your name then I don’t see any reason for you not to.
I do recommend seeing if your family members want to buy the house from you. Cause as I said, your family is likely acting upset because your father just passed away this year. They’re probably still grieving and grieving people tend to cling to things.
Or I guess if you really want to you could maybe invest and be a landlord and rent it out or something… (that could be a pain in the butt though) or maybe try to find a way to honor him with it to appease your family like, say, idk selling it to a family in need or maybe turning it into a vacation home for the entire family (as long as everyone else is willing to contribute to it in some way).
To be honest, the most reasonable thing to do would just be to wait a little bit before selling.
But yeah, no jerks here. TLDR: folks are grieving and thus being clingy to things, and you’re totally reasonable to wanna sell it.” UltraDinoWarrior
4. WIBTJ If I Turn My House Into A Fandom Dream House?
“I am a huge fan of a certain book series. I have been for most of my life. As a result, it’s not uncommon for me to get gifts related to the series. Most of these are cool little collectibles and other knick-knacks.
I have most of these in storage as my husband is not a fan of the series. To clarify, I do this of my own free will. I just don’t care if they’re displayed or not.
This past year, I told my husband that if any of his family asks him about gifts going forward to tell ask them to NOT get me any more gifts related to the series.
I appreciate all the gifts I’ve gotten, but I have so much stuff that I don’t know what to do with it all.
He, jokingly, said I’d get different gifts when I liked different things.
In a fit of petty revenge, I decided to dig out ALL of my fandom stuff and decorate my house with it. I filled the living room (my hang-out space), and it threatens to spill out into the rest of the house (not into his office though as he has his things in there).
My mom is on board with my idea and said she’d help as birthdays and holidays roll around. The idea occurred to me to spend some of my fun income on even more stuff as well.
My friend says I’m being petty over a joke and I’m going over the top. My husband hasn’t seen the living room yet. I figure he’ll either laugh or roll his eyes.
I leave my fate to you, guys: WIBTJ if I’ll be the jerk if I decorate the majority of the house with merchandise from my fandom?
Update: My roommate sent some pictures to my husband and he laughed his butt off and said he got the point.
I won’t buy more stuff. THAT was me being petty. I’m not taking my stuff down. It looks cool! (It’s wall tapestries and throw pillows for those interested)”
Another User Comments:
“Gently, YTJ. And also you don’t even make sense? You wanted to not receive gifts related to the series anymore.
Your husband said you’d receive different gifts when you like different things–his response, while true, wasn’t helpful but it doesn’t sound particularly mean or like something to get ‘revenge’ over? So in response, despite previously not wanting more gifts related to the fandom, you decorate your house with the fandom stuff, out of ‘revenge’, for a comment that doesn’t even really merit ‘revenge’?
So yeah YTJ, IMO.
If I were you when the husband made his ‘you’ll get different gifts when you like different things’ comment, I would have responded something like ‘I’m working on that, but in the meantime, I really don’t want more stuff from (insert fandom)’ and then left it at that.
It’s Harry Potter, isn’t it?” WellAckshully
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here; I’m absolutely baffled by the number of responses saying you’re in the wrong. It’s not like you’re putting it in his personal spaces or forcing him to partake in your fandom (eg full cosplay/movie marathons/whatever).
He made a joke and you made a joke back. It sounds like it is all generally light-hearted and fun, and if either of you got to a point where it was no longer a joke and you were genuinely upset, the other would back off.
It sounds like a healthy dynamic. I would however consider you’re the jerk if he directly asked you to take it out of the shared spaces and you refused (in other words, if he says it’s no longer a joke and he’s genuinely upset and you don’t back off)” coollegkid
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like it’d be easy to undo once your point is made, so NTJ.
Also, your husband is massively underestimating the resilience of your relatives thinking you have a ‘thing’–a friend decided she liked teacups and tea set aesthetics for a year when she was about 16, and she still gets teacup items from her family to this day (well over a decade later). Unless he says something you’ll be getting fandom items til the day the sun explodes.” sparklymeteorite
3. AITJ For Telling An Employee To Stop Using Weaponized Incompetence?
“Everyone in this store is a professional and makes above $100,000.
Greg is in his 50, and we all work in tech. I’m the project manager of about 30 people. Greg has been having issues for the last 5 years because we changed programming methods.
The company paid for us to take the certification.
Greg, while we work from home, called IT every day over something.
In returning to the office, our IT guy Eric came to me and said he’s not helping Greg anymore.
It’s above his pay grade.
This is the first time I have heard of this, and Greg explains he sets up the base project for Greg and the previous IT guy did this also. He said Greg would scream at them for Greg not understanding how the program works.
I meet with most of my team, and I clarify that IT is not your assistant does not treat them as such.
Greg goes on a 20-minute rant on how he misses the old software.
I tell Greg to stop weaponizing his incompetence. From that day forward, no one is to help Greg. He needs to either sink or swim. Our team is as strong as our weakest member.
Greg filed a complaint about ageism in the workplace.
I turned around and signed Eric up for company paid for certification. Greg already promoted his replacement.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I don’t know how Greg has hung around for 5 years if his problems are this severe.
Either he has some redeeming qualities or skills, or nobody has been rating his performance. I don’t know if that falls on you or someone else, but that’s a big problem. Most places I have worked have some kind of step-by-step process for this situation.
You are right to address it, but calling him out in a team meeting without discussing 1×1 first is asking for trouble. You literally called him incompetent in front of 30 people.
Finally, I know ‘weaponizing incompetence’ is a buzz phrase right now, but it is not helpful.
His problem is that he cannot or will not learn part of his job and that he is mistreating people. That’s what he needs to be talked about in a private counseling or performance review.
Empty buzzwords can be turned on you later — he could claim he didn’t know what you meant, dispute it all together, etc.” Rooster_Local
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for letting this go on for 5 years.
No working professional should be struggling with a procedural change for FIVE WHOLE YEARS. What did you do in those 5 years to help Greg? Did you document Greg’s issues? As a manager, it’s up to YOU to make sure your team is doing well.
Also, why did you not know that a member of your team has been abusing IT for what… almost two years now, at least?” daphydoods
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
I am an HR specialist doing business consulting precisely with teams like yours to make sure no one is left behind in a change, such as a change of software.
I mean not just technically left behind but emotionally too.
THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT MACHINES, THEY ARE HUMAN LIVING BREATHING SENTIENT BEINGS.
You might be thinking you are doing something fair, but really what you are telling is your team that they cannot feel safe when struggling.
Especially by how public this was done. This is not good, this lowers the overall performance of your team and it’s a no-no for high-performing teams.
HE IS STRUGGLING. But he is also your employee and as manager, you should support him, not just with training but also transferring that training into the workplace.
If you can’t do that, get him a coach, a mentor, perhaps adapt his role.
Instead, he is going OUTSIDE YOUR TEAM for support because he doesn’t feel safe going to you or other colleagues.
It is not weaponized incompetence when he doesn’t stand anything to win other than a poor performance review and a ban from IT.
Also, it is harassment and bullying when you tell everybody that no one is to help him.
AND YOUR COMPANY WILL HAVE TO PAY HIM OUT A TON. You will not only be worse off, but it also leaves scars on your team.
Yet, he is taking his frustrations out on others, and not going well about getting the help he needs.
So he certainly sucks too.
Talking as an HR person I suggest you negotiate their exit, settle with them and get another person that fits your needs of not having to be a good manager.” vipassana-newbie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My thing is you need to document EVERYTHING that is going on with Greg. Every time Greg calls asking for a help document. Every time he flips out the document. Every time he says he doesn’t understand something when he has a certificate that says otherwise document.
So when you do get rid of him he can’t sue or file unemployment either.” Finalbladestyle
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I was management for quite a few years & this is how I would handle your situation.
Greg gets a review to address his behavior toward other employees & he gets immediate retraining to address the software issue. You cannot allow him to yell at other employees & monopolize their work hours that they need to accomplish their own jobs to the best of their ability in order to help him do his own basic tasks that you’re paying him to do.
However, it’s obvious that Greg either needs longer or a different type of training than the rest of your team seemingly does. You need to explain to Greg that his learning the new software is a job requirement & that his job hinges on having this knowledge going forward but you also need to try training him in a different way as he isn’t taking to the update in skills in the same way as everyone else seems to have done so accommodation should be made once.
It is definitely on you that you didn’t know this was happening though (Greg relying on your IT guy for his own basic work tasks). You absolutely should have known this was an ongoing issue.
Your employees should feel comfortable immediately coming to you with ANY work-related issue. You might try an anonymous tip box/line/email until you build that trust which appears to be lacking backup.
If you change your training tactics for him & it works, that is the way you’ll need to train him going forward, even if you need to have a separate class (you might find other employees joining this class as well because, while they seem to understand it the way you’re currently teaching it, it might be easier for some other employees to learn in the same way that you find works for Greg.
So far they may have simply been better at masking that they would learn the material better/faster if taught in a different way so allow whoever needs to join a new class to do so).
Some people can learn from watching videos. Some people learn from reading. Some people learn from a mentor. Some people learn from trial and error experience. Some people take a bit longer to learn things than others.
You need to try a few things to find out which learning style Greg falls into & give him an appropriate chance to learn the necessary material as long as his behavior toward your other employees is no longer an issue.
If he refuses to try or he simply can’t learn it after any appropriate accommodations are made, he needs to either be moved to a different position where it isn’t a necessity that he knows this software or he needs to be let go if he’s refusing or can’t learn it in an appropriate time frame.
This is part of your job if you’re management & you need to have different training tactics in your toolbox because I sincerely doubt Greg is going to be the only guy or employee that you ever encounter who would significantly benefit from a different teaching style than the one you’re currently using.
Do better. ESH.
It is on you, as a manager, to protect & manage ALL of your employees. If someone in a higher level of compensation is abusing or taking advantage of someone in any lesser paid position, it is on you to nip that behavior in the bud immediately so morale doesn’t tank.
That behavior is something that absolutely cannot be allowed because happy employees work harder & have more loyalty to the company. That’s why morale is of significant importance in a well-run organization. The company I ran had a ridiculously low turnover rate in comparison to other similarly sized companies in the same region.
That low turnover rate had saved the company a lot since, due to the employee requirements, it cost the company about $10,000-$15,000 to train each new employee to the level necessary to independently do their jobs well without significant oversight by another employee to maintain quality control.
All the research on this topic says that people quit bad management. They don’t tend to quit jobs because the work itself is challenging as long as you aren’t expecting them to work other people’s jobs on top of their own, as long as the environment isn’t toxic or dangerous & as long as they are being paid a competitive wage (all bad management problems btw).
Your employees are who allow you to be in the position you’re in. You owe it to them to make the time they spend away from their families & lives (helping you accomplish the needs of the business) as good as it can possibly be.
What management in many companies tend to forget, (& we’ll use Amazon as an example due to its level of ubiquity & its size but it applies across the board), is that; if all the employees in the lower compensation levels left tomorrow, Amazon would be screwed & everything would immediately screech to a grinding halt.
If Jeff Bezos/the CEO left Amazon, that company could hum along quite nicely for quite some time with nobody noticing a difference in any services.
Treat your employees like the assets they are instead of treating them solely as a cost suck.
You NEED those assets no matter what they cost. Paying them $10,000 more a year likely will be cheaper than hiring more people who will also leave when they feel like they aren’t being paid enough to deal with what you’re asking of them so your turnover is eating all the cost savings you think you’re getting.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking you are saving by not paying your employees what they are worth & making their working environment as pleasant as possible because, if morale tanks, so does productivity…every time & any short term savings you might get from this will likely screw the company long term.
Good luck.” Tazhielyn
2. AITJ For Telling My Family To Stop Being Happy Around Me?
“My fiance and I had to get legally married earlier than planned because my fiance lost his job and we needed to put him on my health insurance so that we wouldn’t have to pay an arm and a leg for him.
It’s not what we wanted, and we weren’t excited about it because it was done for negative reasons and it’s hard to be happy about that.
My future in-laws reacted well, they said they were glad we were able to sort out at least part of the problem and didn’t make a big deal about it.
My parents, on the other hand, were very excited when we told them the news. I explained that we’re literally just signing papers, there’s no ceremony or celebration of any kind, but they’re still really worked up about it.
Since we did the legal ceremony, my parents have been really happy and upbeat about it, and I find it really annoying and upsetting. They keep calling my fiance my husband, and I’ve told them I’m not calling him that until the wedding a few months from now, but they keep doing it.
They’ve made comments trying to convince me that the ceremony was sweet and fun. They said it was great that we had a ceremony that could focus on us and our love, and wouldn’t listen when I told them that the ceremony wasn’t like that at all.
They asked me what my favorite part of the ceremony was and couldn’t accept that I didn’t have one, because it wasn’t interesting.
I get that they’re trying to help, but they’re not. Trying to force happiness by telling me things I don’t think are true doesn’t make me feel good.
I explained this to them and said I wanted them to stop, and they said they were just trying to help me celebrate. I said they weren’t helping and that they should wait to celebrate with me at the actual wedding, and that I didn’t want to talk about the courthouse ceremony anymore.
They got upset and my mom cried. They told me I was making myself miserable and that they were only showing how happy and proud they were, but I still insisted they stop. AITJ? I didn’t mean to upset them.
ETA: we don’t consider ourselves fully married yet because we believe we need to be married by our minister, which will happen in a few months.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It does seem like you are making yourself miserable.
The point of a wedding is to get married. You’re married now. It wasn’t perfect so you have the right to be disappointed. It sounds like you’re downright bitter about it though. Yes, the circumstances suck but you are married to someone you love.
They seem to be trying to make you feel better about it but since you asked them to stop, they should stop.” No-Chart-3848
Another User Comments:
“Perhaps they are going so overboard with positivity because you sound not just disappointed about what is essentially a non-issue which will be resolved in a few months – but positively bitter, angry, and hostile about it? Perhaps they attach more symbolism to the legal binding than you and simply don’t understand why you are aggressively unhappy and completely dismissive at the legal binding and fear it is a poor reflection for your future marriage? Perhaps it is simply a matter of a mismatch in values? Or perhaps they are such as that they secretly enjoy watching you become upset and want to upset you as much as they can? Which, in your heart, sounds most likely? But why, if it’s the latter, would you want such people in your life – never mind your wedding?
Their happiness that you are legally married doesn’t mean they will be less happy you are married to the one you love after the ceremony.
Happiness (that your child is now legally married) isn’t a physical quantity that will run out, leaving nothing but negative feelings for the ceremony. Joy nor love has no limit (not, unfortunately, does unhappiness & despair).
But your attitude towards this situation is pouring negativity into a situation that need not be unhappy. You have found love. It sounds like you are on the same page as your future husband.
It also sounds like you have two sets of parents who want happiness for you – though admittedly, trying to force a person to feel overjoyed is rarely a successful endeavor. What I’m trying to say is that you are in an incredibly fortunate position.
Parents who are over-enthused about a technical milestone are not a problem. It is a mid-match in the values you each attribute to a legal binding. You are making it a huge problem when it really should be a mild irritation.
Let it be a mild irritation. Perhaps, when you are being less aggressively unhappy about the situation they will feel less compelled to force joy on you? The next time it’s brought up, say that you don’t feel married yet and turn the discussion to your upcoming marriage ceremony.
With enthusiasm. This is what they are looking for. This is what they are (misguidingly) pushing for. Your response so far has only led to an increase in behavior you don’t want. This would indicate that what they do want is for you to feel/express excitement and joy about your marriage (whether now when it’s legal, or when it’s official to before God).
Allow your excitement about the ceremony to become the conversation. Repeat. Let the repeated references to your ‘husband’ fly over your head. Just redirect their joy and happiness to the main event. Repeat. Because to continue in the manner you are, to continue to aggressively scorn the legal binding as you are, WILL leak through to the event you’re looking forward to.
It WILL diminish everyone’s happiness, even your own.
Or you can choose to believe they are doing this out of spite, (presumably because they don’t want you to be happy ?) You can choose this petty little hill to be where the death of your joy lays when the ceremony date actually arrives or redirect what they do want which is to see you enthused, happy, and excited that you are at the first milestone to a happy future with the one you love?
Your parents are being Tiny Jerks because you’ve explained what they are doing is upsetting you.
YAS because you are refusing to accept they are just happy for you and want some reassurance you are as happy about your future as they are. You will be a huge YAS if you continue on this petty little path and not take the high road on this which is essentially a non-issue that you are allowing to demise your happiness and theirs.
Jesus, I would give anything to have what you have right now. You are so lucky.” Unhappy-Professor-88
Another User Comments:
“To anyone reading this, know that in many states and with many companies you can get a ‘domestic partner’ on your health insurance and don’t have to resort to marriage all the time.
Check with your company’s policy, its benefits coordinator, and local laws.
NTJ – they need to definitely respect your boundaries regarding the conversation. This being said, he is your husband legally, so I can see how they slip up.” friendofthecat
1. AITJ For Telling My Brother And Father The Truth?
“My brother 20M got a girl pregnant and my father (mom died long back), her parents convinced the girl to keep the baby as they are heavily religious.
I (25F) thought it was an extremely bad idea and told the same to my brother.
I am not in contact with my father due to religious differences. The girl wanted to go to college and did not want to have a kid. However, my father convinced her parents to take care of the baby while she/my brother goes off to college and they can help out on weekends and holidays.
They would have to take care of the baby completely once they have graduated. My brother cut contact with me because he felt that I was trying to ruin his future family.
Well, the girl and her parents passed away when the baby was 6 months old and my father was struggling to take care of a baby while my brother was at college.
He told my brother that he has to take the baby while my brother was attending university full time. My brother refused but my father just drove to his college and handed him the baby and drove off.
Now, my brother and I live in the same city and he is asking me to take care of the baby until he graduates. He told me that he would come to my place the second his college is over for the day.
He wants me to watch the baby Mon-Fri 6 am – 6 pm. I told him that was not going to happen. He begged me and my father. When he kept bothering me with this, I told him that this is not what I signed up for and he told me that this wasn’t what he signed up for either.
I told him that this was exactly what he signed up for from the second that they decided to keep the baby. He did not think of the worst-case scenario and was not prepared.
He is devastated over her death and from what I know, he loves his child and spends every moment away from college with her (weekends, holidays, winter/summer breaks). He was extremely close with his partner and her parents.
He is coping with loss too.
I travel a lot and I would have to ask for a demotion to be able to stay at home. I think this is too much to ask of me.
Especially considering that they haven’t spoken to me in years. I sent posts and messages congratulating them when she was born but no one replied to me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a horrible situation for him to be in, but his partner was the one who said that going to college and having a baby wasn’t sustainable, yet your brother sided with your father and her parents in pressuring her.
Why do I think that he wasn’t an innocent victim of the parents? Because he cut off OP and only started talking to her again once he had to take care of the baby.
He couldn’t have known the accident was going to happen, but he could have known that the parents could have pulled back their support at any time and left them with full responsibility. He didn’t plan for that.
And now he isn’t asking for some extra support while he goes to class, he is asking for 12h / day worth of care and for OP to take the financial hit of a demotion.
If he wanted to do his part, he would ask for some support during the few hours a day he actually is in class and would study in his room with his daughter, or he would reach out to the resources there are for single parents in uni, like daycare or allowing you to take the kids to school.
He is trying to keep avoiding responsibilities. He might be a child himself when the kid was born, but he still hasn’t pulled himself together. That should end now.
Edit: and by the way, IDK if this is true or not but I get the vibe that a lot of what is happening here is due to OP being a woman.
I don’t get the feeling that the brother would have shut her opinions so easily, nor treated her as free babysitting as easily if OP had been a man.
He might have to drop out altogether, even though many single women are able to do college with no support from anyone, due to a lot of sacrifices.
But those are the consequences of his decisions. He could try to ask for more reasonable favors, like a loan to pay for daycare, but he is still trying to get the college experience while being a weekend father.
Kids sleepover 10 hours a day, which would be coincidentally the hours he has the kid at home except for a couple hours in the evening where he gets to play daddy
INFO: Very few people die with absolutely nothing to their name, so where is the grandparent’s inheritance in all this? Depending on how much it was or what it had, it could be enough to keep both of them fed and sheltered at least until brother graduates from college, as long as it wasn’t in a very specific type of trust for the granddaughter (which would be rare, considering that the deaths were unexpected).
Or he could ask for more loans. He isn’t without options, the only thing is that he now has to act like an actual father with all the responsibilities it entails” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your brother isn’t entitled to your help, but you are wrong with how you responded. Saying that he signed up for this exact scenario is really out of touch and unproductive.
I don’t agree that he should have factored in the possibility of the young mother and her entire side of the family would all die at once in the baby’s infancy.
That’s incredibly unlikely, and letting a bizarre hypothetical scenario like that hold you back from planning a realistic future isn’t productive to anything.
Never buy a house if you rely on both incomes. What if one of you passes away? Never move away from your parents.
What if they both are gone and you wasted your last chance to be with them? Never get a dog. What if you lose your ability to give them walks after a car accident? See how weak this is sounding? Imagine telling someone wheelchair-bound that this is exactly the struggle they signed up for when they got a dog.
They should have known paralyzing car accidents technically could happen to them, right?
Now you were right that it was a poor choice to raise a kid at that time, but that’s for a whole bunch of other reasons.
Don’t dismiss your brother’s situation as normal, or expected. He’s going through something. You should acknowledge that at the very least.
You should not be expected to help him, but as a sister, you should be expected to empathize with him.” TheCyberGlitch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
What a lot of the people replying here seem to be missing is that the brother is not even asking for free babysitting. He’s asking for his sister to take over basically the entire care of the baby.
How much active childcare is he going to be doing if he only sees his child between 6 PM and 6 AM? Somehow I don’t imagine that this young man, who is prioritizing his university education, is going to be doing any of the nighttime work either.
It’s not reasonable for him to even have asked her for this. It is especially unreasonable to have asked her for this after he and their father cut her out of their lives. It is patently obvious that she’s only being asked because she’s female, and of course, the one female in the family is going to step in and take over because that’s what women do, right? She’s a girl.
She gets to look after the baby. No. OP, you are totally correct to flatly refuse, because grieving or not, your brother is being appallingly presumptuous.
I also can’t help but wonder how many of the people scolding you for being heartless or cruel or unfeeling are doing so because you are female, and are thus expected to be more empathetic.
Your family treated you badly. Perhaps you could’ve been more compassionate towards your brother, but where was his compassion for you when he expected you to give up your life (you say you would need to accept a demotion, but was he expecting you to pay for daycare while you were working, or somehow juggle looking after the baby with working from home)? He made a decision that he was going to be a father.
It is what he signed up for, no matter what happens. If he’s no longer prepared to do that (and I have to wonder how prepared he ever was to do it, given that he was not providing regular care and refused to do so when your father stopped being willing), there are other decisions he will have to make.” alimck476
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Of course, you didn’t sign up for it, but neither did he. I’m assuming their deaths were unexpected, given they happened at the same time. They had no reason to think they’d be raising the baby alone.
This is a terrible situation. Asking you to care for the baby is fine if they respect your answer. And you probably could have been more graceful and compassionate. Putting myself in his shoes, he probably can’t function without assistance. Obviously, babysitting 12 hours a day is a big ask and anyone would say no. But I don’t see a reason to be rude.” Theaterismylyfe
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