While your sister agreed to watch your kids when you aren’t around, you’re the parent. It’s your responsibility if your kid is sneaking out after you go to sleep at night. Not hers.
You should be more concerned that your kid didn’t feel she could call you in what I would call a dangerous situation.
Your sister seems to understand that she’s in a no-win situation. Your daughter needed immediate adult help from someone she trusts and someone who wouldn’t make a bad situation worse. Your sister knew she would pay a price with you by putting your daughter first, given the immediate apology she offered.
You don’t know what was said on that ride home. I sincerely doubt your sister was supportive of dangerous behavior that pulled her out of a warm bed at 3 a.m. She’s not a co-conspirator; she’s attempting to parent a child who doesn’t trust you.

Rather than blow up that relationship, you could have easily told your daughter you saw the video and that your sister didn’t betray her trust. Separately, you should have THANKED your sister for getting your kid home in one piece and talked with her about how to handle similar situations in the future.

But job one is talking to your kid about why she felt she couldn’t call you and rebuilding that relationship. Her safety is the primary concern here, not who to blame.” Cogito_ErgoBibo

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – as her parent, you are legally responsible for her health and well-being.

You should have been told. My first guess is that Amanda was so quiet and is acting so down because she feels guilty. It makes sense she would have felt incredibly conflicted about telling you versus betraying your daughter’s trust. Additionally, it’s possible she was thinking of Madison’s well-being.

If Madison knows she’s “safe” to call Amanda, she will before the crap really hits the fan.

My advice is: go talk to Amanda. Take her out to do something sisterly and have an open and honest conversation with her about the incident, about Madison, and about why she chose to handle it the way she did.

And as long as you’re in a reflective mood, consider this: the next time your wild child decides to make a dumb decision that leaves her wasted and out of her depth at 2 am, who will she call? And why did she feel she couldn’t call you?

Trying to deal with your daughter’s destructive behaviors must be incredibly frustrating and more than a little bit frightening, but simply cracking down harder isn’t working on anything but making her sneakier. Maybe a little insight into why will give you the tools to do what discipline alone can’t.” braidedpotato

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You previously had a trusting and close relationship with Madison as evidenced by her calling you for help when intoxicated. But that relationship has changed. She’s skipping school and sneaking out without your knowledge. Clearly, you are no longer a strong influence over her behavior nor are you the person she will share her secrets with now.

And I get it, that sucks. You’re probably hurt. Yes, it’s normal teen development, but it still hurts.

Here’s the thing – Madison DID have a close and trusting relationship with an adult who cares about her wellbeing. While you might prefer that it’s you, that preference is unimportant.

What matters is that even though she no longer feels close to you, she had someone responsible that she would turn to when in an unsafe situation. And…you just ruined that relationship. This makes you the jerk in my eyes because you’re prioritizing your wants over your daughter’s safety.

She isn’t going to go back to turning to you. She’s going to ask the friend who isn’t quite as intoxicated to drive her home instead, or she’ll stay in an unsafe situation because it’s easier than dealing with you. This isn’t smart parenting and it isn’t fair to Madison for you to let your emotions block a safe alternative for her.

It’s fair to be upset, but you should ultimately be glad that Madison is willing to call an adult for help even if she no longer turns to you anymore.” thoughtandprayer

Another User Comments:

“Going against the grain to say ESH. Your sister should have told you, yes, and she shouldn’t have promised your daughter she’d keep it from you – you needed to know.

She’s the jerk for that. But by blowing up at her, especially before confronting your daughter, you destroyed the trust your daughter had in her and made it less likely your daughter will feel safe calling -you- as she has in the past. That makes you the jerk as well.

She’s at an age where she needs every trusted adult she can get, particularly mentors who have been through similar things, and especially if she has a problem with substances (which it sounds like she might). Now, she can’t call you without fear you may blow up at her like you did to your sister, and she can’t call your sister without fear of you being told and blowing up at both of them.

Had you gone to her first, explained your concerns over the camera footage you saw, and asked her to come clean, it would have allowed you to reinforce your relationship with her. Then you could have gone to your sister and told her off for keeping this from you, without wrecking their relationship.

That aside though… if this is something your daughter does regularly, you need to get her help. Substance use is a very dangerous spiral – don’t wait until it’s too late. Is she using this to cope with something else? Is it a social thing?

Having a serious talk with her is a good start, and consider getting her a therapist as well. She’s potentially just lost trust in 2 mentor figures, and if she’s already struggling, that could easily push her over the edge.” sci_fi_bi

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