People Want Our Take On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Sending An Informative Text?
“In high school, I (30s M) was diagnosed with a terminal form of cancer. This was obviously devastating, but I still went through surgeries, chemotherapy, injuries, etc to try & beat it. 8 months in I finally accepted that I would die. It was surprisingly peaceful and allowed me to focus on other things. I continued all my treatments and did everything to beat it, but I was at peace if I didn’t.
Spent years dealing with all of this and its aftermath, but obviously, I beat the odds.
This has affected my life in so many ways that it’s a hard topic to avoid, especially when I go out with people. It’s also hard to put a boundary around it because then it just seems like I’m hiding stuff. As a result, the moment it comes up as a topic, I try to control the whole conversation as I want to avoid it at all costs.
I feel it’s my only ‘defense’. I also realize that this can seem controlling and off-putting. I am working on this in therapy. Lastly, for the past week, my mom has been in the hospital, and I visited her earlier that day, so I had a lot on my mind and may have been a bit sensitive.
I recently went out with D (20s F). Not even 5 minutes in did the cancer come up and at that moment I knew I wouldn’t handle it well with everything else going on.
I took over the entire conversation and obviously tried to keep the subject off anything that could lead back to the cancer but wasn’t able to. I will say she seemed fine with it which caused me to let my guard down a bit and talk about it a little. Later, the cancer came up and I accidentally let it slip that I had accepted death at that point (and on our first meeting no less), which didn’t seem to faze her.
Then she asked me ‘Why did you give up?’
This hurt me in ways words cannot describe. Suddenly, all the pain and suffering I went through to try and beat this was just me giving up. Accepting death takes real strength in my opinion. I’m not sure what I said after that and to be honest the rest of the night was a bit of a blur.
I was like half there and half in my head. I still tried to control the conversation but that didn’t help. I am good at putting on a ‘happy face’ even when I’m miserable.
After some reflecting, I realized that she didn’t mean anything bad behind it and aside from that, I had a good time as it got my mind off my mom, and she handled the cancer well.
Now for some reason, I decided to ask her out again the next day (dumb, I know) and she turned me down (I don’t blame her).
Now, this is where I may be the jerk. This was still on my mind, and I texted her the next day explaining the difference and I know she didn’t mean anything bad behind it. My intention was to give an FYI as she works in the medical field.
After I sent it, I realized what I had done and felt awful and that it could come across as me attacking her for rejecting me. My friends and ex called me a jerk, but fellow survivors say I did nothing wrong, mainly because of her job. All I know is that she is not.
But am I?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’m sorry you still struggle with the aftereffects of your cancer, but you invite comments and questions when you bring it up.
She probably thought you were open to a serious discussion about death and acceptance. Maybe her phrasing wasn’t tactful, but it shouldn’t have derailed you so much that it hurt you ‘in ways words cannot describe’ – your reaction is on you. Keep working on this in therapy.” parishilton2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t dwell on it. As a fellow survivor, I know that conversations can go that route.
And, let’s face it, that was a BIG part of your life. I open up if I feel comfortable with a new person. Usually, it’s fine. If it’s not, I move on. Again, it wasn’t an established relationship. You’re fine. She’s fine. Meet new people. (I wish you the best!)” NoNoNashi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You sound like you are extremely hard on yourself.
It does not sound like you did anything wrong. Trying to explain something like that is hard. Even if she completely blows you off and does not respond, I would not count yourself as a jerk.” Substantial_Ad7919
18. AITJ For Forcing My Pregnant Wife To Give Up Her Seat?
“My wife and I are expecting our first child together, and she’s currently 14 weeks along. In her own words, the pregnancy has been easy for her. She thankfully hasn’t had any morning sickness, nausea, fatigue, etc. Obviously, every day is different, but overall she’s been feeling good and we’re really excited.
Yesterday, we had plans to go into the city and since our cars are currently in the shop, we took the bus.
On this day specifically, my wife was in an especially good mood. We got on and it was only 1/3 full. My wife sat in the priority seat, meant for disabled people, pregnant people, the elderly, and those injured. Since my wife insisted, I sat next to her. I only did this since she insists on sitting there, and I’d get up if anyone asked.
Halfway there, a visibly pregnant woman with a toddler in a pram board.
I stand up and gesture to my wife to move, but she just looks at me confused. My wife and I were at the only priority seats on this bus and they also fold up to fit a pram. Obviously, this woman needs our seats but my wife refused to get up. This bickering, eye communicating/arguing moment went on for over 45 seconds before my wife stands up sighing and holding her stomach before moving to a normal seat further back.
The woman said thank you and seems extremely grateful (and exhausted), but my wife was silent and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the ride. The rest of the day was miserable, my wife was in a bad mood and we ended it early.
My wife is upset because she said I shouldn’t have forced her to give up her seat, and that the seat was for pregnant people and she was pregnant, therefore entitled to it.
I told her that she was only 14 weeks along and the other woman was extremely pregnant and also had a pram and toddler with her. My wife lost it, told me she was carrying our kid and I was diminishing what her body was doing. I told her I didn’t mean it like that but said that there was no reason why she couldn’t move a few rows back.
She thinks I’m not valuing her and shouldn’t have forced her to give up her seat. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I don’t think you’re going to convince her unless something similar happens to her when she’s that far along. I think it was a combination of some entitlement, her hormones feeling disrespected, and embarrassment. The 45-second eye roll communication would’ve been obvious to people around you so she probably felt like people were staring.
Then when she felt intimidated into taking the walk of shame to the other row – with everyone on the bus and maybe even some people on the sidewalk staring at her. You shouldn’t have made her do that. That’s why she’s mad.
(I’m not saying you were wrong but I honestly think she doubled down when she realized people were looking. You will most likely end up having to apologize or at least soothe her ruffled feathers to keep the peace, but I don’t think you were wrong for having you two move.” KissiFur_FuzzyBallz
Another User Comments:
“I can’t believe so many people are saying NTJ.
YTJ YTJ YTJ.
Your wife is pregnant. The first trimester can be very difficult for most women. Though she may not look pregnant, she is. And you aren’t the one who gets to decide if she is tired enough to sit in a seat that has been specifically set aside FOR HER. Funny you have so much sympathy for another pregnant woman but not the woman carrying your child.
She’s right. You weren’t valuing her at that moment. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that many people seem to think that pregnancy is only hard once you ‘look pregnant’. You likely think the same thing but you need to get that thought out of your head pronto and apologize to your wife right this second.” rico277
Another User Comments:
“YTJ not for asking her to give up a seat, but for not apologizing to your wife and for understanding that she might ‘need’ the seat herself.
(yes we know she didn’t need it). Is this the hill you want to die on with a newly pregnant wife that is bringing life into the world to carry on your lineage, sacrificing her body for you who has shown her love by being with you to carry on the possible president of the USA and facing excruciating body pains for you, sore feet, back pains, eating for two, hormonal changes, mood swings, etc., etc., etc?
Remember, happy wife, happy life! Your reply should be I’m sorry, I didn’t comprehend entirely your situation and I jumped to the wrong conclusion.
I won’t do it again and how can I make it up to you.
Yeah, I’m a man and I made similar mistakes with my wife. Guys are often clueless, but you’ll learn. Don’t be such a right fighter, and start being a supportive husband; unless she is being a danger to your kids.” SpruceGoose133
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your wife sure is. I have moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis and the fatigue is BRUTAL, not to mention when I’m in an active flare moving around is literal agony.
I would still get up and move for a pregnant woman with a toddler. It wouldn’t even occur to me not to, no matter how much pain I’m in. Ditto for an elderly person.
Your wife needs to pull her head out of her butt. Wait until she’s at 36 weeks then remind her of this episode so she truly understands how selfish she tried to be.” saltyvet10
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Meet With My Mother's Partner And His Kids?
“Last year around Christmas time my (16m) mother left a week before the 25th (Dec), to go ‘visit her sister’ in Calgary. At the time, this is all I knew about the trip.
A few months before that my parents had told me about their plans to get a divorce, which I was of course sad about, but I didn’t question the intentions behind it.
The thing is, my mother’s plane to get back kept getting delayed, and even though they said nothing about when the next plane would take off, my mother made no moves to book a new flight/arrange another way home.
In fact, she barely seemed enthusiastic at ALL about going home.
I don’t know how I didn’t see it at the time, but my mother didn’t only go there to meet her sister, but also to meet up/sleep with her new partner. I wouldn’t hate this fact IF she only met him AFTER the plans of the divorce were decided. But no, she has been talking to this jerk for a whole year.
I was very angry about this, but I only expressed my feelings to my dad, since I was somewhat scared to tell my mother about this.
Abruptly in January my mother moved out and started renting a place with her partner, let’s call Bob. Now, Bob already has two kids, who he doesn’t even take care of who live in Calgary. Honestly, he sounds like a jerk who’s just a bum and probably is one.
But I don’t know the guy.
About a month ago, my mother invited my older brother (17m) and me to go rock climbing with her, and even though I wasn’t too sure about my relationship with my mother at that point, I said yes. Because who doesn’t love rock climbing? My brother and I drive to the place, and when we show up, there is Bob. Standing beside my mother.
At the time, I was thinking ‘Oh god, this isn’t going to go well’. It turned out, Bob was a quiet guy and I didn’t say a WORD to him the whole time. When we got back home, I complained to my dad about how she dropped this bomb on us without letting us know.
After that incident, I got pretty angry with my mother and didn’t talk to her much, ignored texts, etc.
I still had to see her about once or twice every week for her to pick me up from school, since I haven’t passed my driver’s test yet. She questions me about my day and how I am every single time, and it’s quite annoying.
Last week I found out that Bob’s kids are going to stay at my mother’s apartment, and she took the week off to be with them.
Which I find really amusing since she would NEVER do anything like that for us before the divorce happened.
She texted me, asking if I could meet his kids, and I responded no. It’s way out of my comfort zone, and I don’t owe anything to her. She responded, saying she was disappointed in me. My brother, said yes to meeting his kids, and is going to see them on Friday.
I’m not sure if I did something wrong, if I should be meeting with them, or trying to talk to my mother more.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I went through something very similar when I was around your age. One of my parents had an affair and then went out a bunch and asked me to meet 3 different people. I said no every time (occurred over the span of a year) because I knew I wasn’t ready, and I didn’t have a good relationship with my parent, to begin with. Luckily they respected my wishes, but I understand that’s not always the case.
It sucks when a parent is less emotionally mature than their child. Why introduce someone new when your own relationship needed work?
Boundaries even as a minor are important. If you are comfortable enough, having a conversation about the way she made you feel with the original introduction to Bob might be helpful. She will not understand how you feel unless you tell her (even if it’s QUITE CLEAR to the rest of us how her actions have impacted you).
Also, just because your sibling is okay with meeting Bob’s kids and seeing Bob in general, doesn’t mean you have to be.
You are entitled to your own feelings and deserve to go at a pace that is comfortable for you! If and when it’s possible, be clear with your expectations and boundaries.
Lastly, a therapist/counselor will do wonders if available to you. Outside/unbiased sources can help understand the overall picture better.
Best wishes to you.” jflo910
Another User Comments:
“Okay. I think NTJ, because you have to take things in your own time and at your own pace.
I think that you should talk with your mum calmly about how having her partner sprung on you at climbing was uncomfortable for you and you weren’t ready for that yet. I think that you should be open about how her taking time off to spend with her partner’s family made you feel and maybe suggest something that you would like to do together as a mother/son thing.
How she reacts when you tell her that you are finding it difficult and you need time will let you know how much effort to put into maintaining a close relationship with your mum. Match the energy she shows.” CrayolaSocks
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it sounds like your mum had an affair, moved her partner into her place, and wants you to meet your quasi-stepdad’s kids. That’s a lot of change in a short period of time.
It’s not appropriate to introduce kids to partners when you’ve not been together for a year. Since your parents just split, meeting his kids seems unnecessary for the time being. If they’re together a year from now, maybe meet them. In no way are you a jerk for taking the time to process and see where the dust settles before meeting all these new people. Your parents haven’t even been separated for four months. She’s moved on really fast. If it takes you longer, that’s completely okay.” totalitarianbnarbp
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go See My Half Brother?
“I have a half-brother who is like 3 years older than me, my mom had him when she was with her ex, and then she went on and had me with my dad. I’ve met the guy like twice when I was tiny, the last time being when I was 3 so I genuinely have little to no memory of him. He lives abroad with his dad so going to visit him isn’t like a drive away.
Anyways so, unfortunately, he has leukemia, (which is absolutely horrible and I feel really bad for him).
My mom wants to go and see him, which I obviously understand, but she wants me to come along as well. In most cases, I’d agree and wouldn’t think twice but I have my final exams coming up soon and they’re genuinely important, I wouldn’t usually prioritize exams over people but as I said, I barely know this guy. I honestly don’t see the need in going to meet my half-brother who I’ve seen like once before after like 12 years, if I was him I don’t think I’d like some random person I don’t even remember coming up to meet me.
I explained this to my mom sometime after she told me and suggested I stay at home with dad (who was gonna stay home anyways), while she goes and meets her son. I told her how as much as I feel bad about his situation, there would be no point in me going as I wouldn’t really provide any support for him as he doesn’t even know me.
My mom blew up in my face calling me a selfish unempathetic jerk who cares about some exams more than her own brother (which was weird cos if him being my brother was such a big thing, how come we never visited each other or even she visited him?? And all she’s ever mentioned of him is her trash-talking him). I don’t really blame her for blowing up on me since she was obviously stressed over the situation but I still didn’t think there was a point in me going.
It’s not even like my mom would have to go alone if I wasn’t going since her sister’s coming along as well.
When I told my dad he also got mad at me and said I was selfish for not being there for my own family and asked if I’d do the same when he was dying (which obviously I wouldn’t). I didn’t expect dad to get mad at me since he values my exams more than anyone and he’s also only met the kid like once about 10 years ago.
I genuinely would go if not for the fact I’d probably be a nuisance there and the fact that my finals are literally like a week away. I genuinely do feel bad for the guy though and nobody should have to face what he’s facing right now but I don’t see the point in me going. I’m really not trying to be selfish but I don’t know if I’m making the right choice AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… no matter the circumstances your mother shouldn’t have called you a jerk.
I get he is your half-brother but you literally don’t know the guy. I also agree with you on the fact that if he is so important to your mother why hasn’t she gone to at least visit him before he got sick. Sounds like your mom is feeling guilty because she wasn’t a present parent in his life and now she’s trying to be the mom of the year when it comes to him by taking it out on you.
Your exams are important. Also, your dad took it to the extreme by saying would you do that to him as well. Like what. Your father who raised you getting sick vs a half brother that lives in another country who you only met when you were 3? Those are completely different situations. Most people can’t remember their memories from when they were 3.” loaf1669
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
How I read this is you’re 15 years old. I suspect your mother does need support but she has her sister going for that, and while I think it’s important to be there for your mom, you’re too young to take on the emotional burden that might come about with this. Your brother and your mother sound like they are not very close. Your brother is seriously ill and he may have some resentment against the mother who neither visited him nor had him visit her, most people absolutely would.
That’s a combustible situation for a 15-year-old to be in. Your father’s comment was unfair and unkind. Comparing the father you live with to the brother you don’t know are two entirely different things. Now if your mom was just going over to visit your brother and wanted you to come I would’ve said you should go. But she’s going into a tense situation and I think her sister is the right person to go with her not you.” PilotEnvironmental46
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say YTJ but it’s like ESH because your mom doesn’t actually seem to have a relationship with her son.
I’m only even going this route because I was a mother at her 8week-14month old baby’s side the entire time she went through leukemia, chemo, and bone marrow transplant. I could show you pictures of how terrible it makes the patient look and feel. It’s horrible to watch your child go through something like that. I had pretty much no one. One time while living in children’s my sister took her grandson there for an appointment and promised me to have lunch together.
I haven’t seen her in forever. I haven’t had anyone but hospital staff to talk to. I was an emotional mess and drowning. A nurse was nice enough to sit with my daughter so I could have lunch with my sister in the Café and she ditched me and then ghosted me. It was devastating and made me feel so dumb and even more alone. Your brother could be feeling terrible and alone wishing anyone would stay in his room longer than just taking vitals and weighing his BM.” meattenderizerr
Another User Comments:
“ESH for so many reasons.
I can’t imagine not seeing my child no matter where they lived and I can’t imagine my children not being close even if they’re not from the same father. Your mom is the jerk for this. She didn’t make sure her kids are close and now she’s paying the price.
YTJ for not going to see your half-brother who’s sick. I definitely don’t want you to repeat a year but from the info you gave, you haven’t tried to negotiate with the school to take the finals early or take them later. This seems like a family emergency and I can’t see your school not willing to try to help.
Also, do you have to go now? Is he like dying any day or is that still unknown? If unknown, then your mother should plan the travels around your finals.” Josie-bela
15. AITJ For Firing My Cleaning Lady?
“I’ve had cleaners in the past- they are usually one person or a small team that works together, brings their own supplies, and charges a flat rate for the day for regular cleaning. (I have paid hourly/per person when doing a deep clean of a home before/after moving- and that is different and I totally understand.)
The current cleaning lady came to interview/check out the house so we could chat about pricing/expectations.
45 min late. No call or text to let me know, and her husband drove her..
During our interview, I realized that she didn’t have any experience cleaning homes, and she expected to be paid hourly vs. a flat rate per day, and also wanted to use our cleaning products/ tools.. Meaning our towels, sponges, sprays, paper towels, vacuum (which I don’t really mind), but also our SWIFFER to mop the entire downstairs tile! I was so hesitant, but when I started to politely decline her and say that I thought this job would be too much for her to handle, she insisted that it would be alright and if I wanted more people she could have her son help as well (never happened).
It’s been 5 weeks now.
She expects me to pull all the products for the day (even though I showed her where the items are), she uses and throws away perfectly good sponges and has already gone through 2 containers of wet wipes. (HOW?)
I understand that there is a grace period of getting to know the house/expectations – and to be clear – she isn’t expected to clean the entire house.
Less than 50% of the entire upstairs and about 75% of the downstairs.
Every week I keep hoping that the ‘time management’ chip will click into place – but it just hasn’t. She asked to work 4 hours a week @ $35.. so $140 per week – and she makes suggestions on cleaning products (sprays vs wipes that I personally use) that I should get for her to use (she offered to buy them herself and give me the receipts to pay her back).
I have to put everything away after she leaves – and check what we need (trash bags, wipes, SWIFFER CLEANER), and I have to do the towel laundry because she soaks them and I don’t want mildew.
Last week she spent all her time downstairs..
1.5 hours in the front room that takes me 25 minutes. I told her to avoid the dining room, 1 out of 2 bathrooms were cleaned, trash wasn’t taken out (ANYWHERE), wet wipes in the hall, and wet sponge(s) laying around on surfaces (1 on a wood console discovered the next day and 2nd on a table in the front room found 5 days later). She left 25min early – and I’m fed up.
I watched her attempt to look busy by cleaning the inside door of our wine fridge and then the outside of our fridge, but she hadn’t ventured upstairs ONCE the entire time. Am I crazy? She wasn’t even CLEANING anymore. No issue taking the pay for the whole 4 hours though.. no mention of adding time to next week or anything.
She’s a nice lady.. but I really can’t keep paying someone for a job that they aren’t doing.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, fire her immediately. I spend 6 months cleaning houses as the 2nd person in a 2-person crew and almost all of our customers were the ‘once a month deep clean’ variety. Cleaning houses is a hard job that I absolutely do not miss doing.
It’s still a job. You – the customer – still have every right to expect professionalism, timeliness, and a quality product.
And just like any other job, she should either have her own tools (cleaning products) or the use of your ‘tools’ should be removed from the amount you are expected to pay.” welshcobsRthebest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I had a great cleaning lady while she was a student. Paid her per hour and left her to clean the house. She did everything pretty well and would just text me how long it took her.
She was fast. And trustworthy. She had my house key. She ended up getting a job in her field so stopped cleaning. I offered her a raise. Still, she left to work in her field which was ok. But man the 2 I had after were so bad. They charged more and did less. One I tried twice then switched. The other one charged a flat fee of 100$ and we provide all products.
100$ for about 4 hours to clean an 800-foot apartment with 2 bedrooms, and 1 bathroom. This was 3-4 years ago. Started ok. But then she did less and less. Would never wash the cloths she used, never empty the vacuum, and I would find dust on surfaces. Of those 4 hours, she would spend 30 minutes eating, and 1h on the phone. Yeah, not a good investment.
I gave her 6 months to adjust and had to constantly clarify what needed to be done. I had to fire her. I felt bad but it was the right call. I clean faster than her and she is a professional cleaner apparently.
I feel you man but NTJ. If you can do it, I recommend you do it yourself with your spouse. Or hire someone else.
For us 100$ every 2 weeks is a lot of cash so we prefer to do it ourselves especially since now prices would be maybe 150 or so. For comparison, I made 25$ per hour and paid her 25$ per hour. Except hers was in cash while half my paycheck goes to taxes and insurance. So we take the time to clean more and if we couldn’t then we had to get more comfortable with the house not being super clean. You gotta ask yourself what is worth it to you. Your cleaning lady is being lazy in my opinion.” Reddit user
14. AITJ For Being Angry At My Estranged Dad Even Though I'm Dependent On Him?
“My mother is very toxic and very awful, to say the least. She wanted me to drop out of Uni because she felt like I wouldn’t take care of her when she gets old. As well as the fact that my other siblings ‘don’t clean the way I do.’ Her words, not mine. My entire life she has been this way. Not to mention the fact that I had to fight and work for three years to save up enough to go to Uni all of which she stole and I certainly can’t get back.
For the entirety of my life, she and my dad had a tumultuous relationship and we didn’t have a close connection. In his very lame defense he says ‘your mother poisoned you against me and wouldn’t let me see you guys. So I just stayed away until you would come to realize everything.’ When I asked him why would he think that abandoning us to her whims was the right choice he claims ‘because the court would have ruled in her favor anyway.’
They never even went to court about it.
So the end of 2019, I made a few posts out of frustration and finally decided to leave (this forced me to drop out of university).
I contacted my Grandma (now deceased) and she told my dad to help me because I was struggling and she was worried. She and I had a great relationship in spite of everything.
So up until 2019 my father and I had been estranged and he very rarely came to see me. And come to find out, he admitted that one of my uncles had told him how I was being treated by my mom and I can’t help but feel some type of way.
‘So you knew? And you didn’t come get me?’
The reason I’m writing this is because just yesterday he had asked if I was talking to my mom. I told him no because she did some very unforgivable things to me simply because I looked like my dad. And a lot of these things, he’ll never know. We were having a conversation about why I wasn’t talking to her and I said because I cut her off.
It was almost as if he was trying to convince me to reconnect with her.
And I told him I didn’t want to and that’s why I left in the first place. He says ‘You didn’t leave. I came to get you. If I didn’t come you’d still be in that house.’ And it made me feel uncomfortable. Because it’s as if, he was making himself out to be this glorious savior.
And I couldn’t help but think ‘If you were such the hero you think you are, why didn’t you come for me sooner? Why did I have to beg my grandma to stay with her and by default she called you to help because she was traveling. Or else I would have lived with her. Where were all these heroics when I needed you most when I was young and was being called the worst mistake and being told how I should have been aborted? Where was the hero?’ It made me feel low.
And my mother often did the same thing to me.
But the situation is complex. You see even though we were estranged he’s helping me go back to Uni and get on my feet to make up for the time I lost when I dropped out the first time because of my mom. Am I the jerk for being angry at what he said even though I’m dependent on him now?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your father’s way of putting it ‘you didn’t leave, I came and got you’ sounds like he is trying to portray himself as being such a good guy, such a hero when in reality it is the opposite, he left you there.
As far as I can tell from the post he knew the situation was bad and never even moved a finger to try and help you or to try to ‘get you out of there.’ Dude sounded like a jerk.
You’re right for feeling the way you do, but at least now you don’t have to deal with your mom. He is allowing you to live with him, take this opportunity and focus on yourself and your future, so that you can be independent and happy with yourself without being surround by people who make you feel down.
Take his help and use it to the best of your ability.” samuraimaia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry that you have two terrible parents. Him helping you with university doesn’t absolve him of the fact that he abandoned you and your siblings to an awful parent without even trying to fight for you. Right now you depend on him to return to university, so you’re limited in what you can say/do. But I highly recommend seeing a therapist to work through your trauma from your parents and come up with coping strategies to set healthy boundaries with your dad.” Legally_Blonde_258
13. AITJ For Being Annoyed With My Roommates?
“My roommate (26m) has had his partner (21f) over for at least 3 days a week and she treats our house like her own, much to the annoyance of me (21m) and my other roommate (22m). The main issues are:
They cook almost every day and leave everything on the counters for at least a day and never clean the counters or chopping board at all. For example, this morning they made banana bread and poured sugar all over the counter and kitchen floor which my other rm cleaned up hours later whilst they sat in the lounge.
It’s now 2 am and that half-eaten banana bread is still on the hob in the tray they cooked it in.
Our house is tiny and we have just a lounge and kitchen downstairs. She always brings her big bike with her which she only uses to get the train home (the station is a mile away). My rm walks her home when she arrives and the bike stays in the doorway until she leaves, making it v awkward to get through the front door and there’s no space to put it anywhere else.
She ALWAYS leaves her boots in the middle of the lounge floor and worn clothes on our sofa. She also leaves used tissues, earrings, empty bottles, etc., in the communal space.
She’s always using the house as her workspace. She does university work every day and always has +50 pages of notes spread out on our table or sofa, which then stay there for the rest of the day.
She turned up unannounced whilst her partner was at work and immediately went upstairs to teach a zoom flute lesson.
They spend all day in the lounge with me and my other rm, playing YouTube/music at max volume to the point of distraction. I and other rm were watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre in (almost complete) silence tonight and my roommate and his partner came home, sat down, and put YouTube on at max.
Then he asked us to turn the volume down bc the film was making her uncomfortable/scared (the volume was at a fair level). I did it to be considerate even though she wasn’t watching it. As soon as the chainsaw stops the following dialogue is drowned out by YouTube which is closer to me and my other roommate than the tv.
This is minor but she never offers to make hot drinks for anyone but her partner, she’ll say ‘do you want a drink, rm’s name?’ like me and my other rm aren’t in the same room with him and she never says hey to us if she comes past for the bathroom or water after going to bed.
But she’ll talk and be friendly if we’re already talking with our rm/her partner.
A lot of this seems pretty trivial but it’s the same for 2-3 days every week and she doesn’t pay rent or contribute at all, let alone clean her own mess. I and my other rm are just tired of it when she comes over because it affects our enjoyment of our house and she’s either oblivious to it or doesn’t care.
I’m thinking about asking my other rm to help me bring it up but I’m sure it’ll go bad. Also, I’m concerned these reasons might be too petty and I don’t want to seem unreasonable. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ in any way, and your RM and his partner are total jerks for behaving like narcissists – with so much disrespect for you and your other roommate.
This is not petty. Look at the reality. It’s your home, and it’s taken over half the time by someone who is using your stuff, and space and not paying. For me, it would be intolerable. If you think talking about it will go bad – find another place with your good RM, and move out with notice. Or else give your toxic RM notice to leave.” AffectionateMine2220
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You need to bring it up and be firm. They need to clean up after themselves, and she should never be there if your roommate isn’t. As for the loud YouTube just turn the TV higher and when asked to turn it down, respond with I will if you will. I don’t think these things are petty. Consideration goes both ways, and she’s not being considerate.” Vickimae44
12. AITJ For Calling Out My Friend's Poor Hand Hygiene?
“A friend of mine was celebrating his birthday outdoors at a local brewery (the first event we’ve attended in 2 years) and I’m sitting at a picnic table with my SO, the friend in question (whom we’ll call Beth), and her partner. Beth is sitting on the other side facing me, my SO is also on the same side to her right and her partner was standing to her left slightly behind her.
We’re chatting when Beth sneezes into her bare hands.
This isn’t the first time I’ve seen her sneeze into her hands at a social event and I never tell her how gross it is. This time I halfway-jokingly said something like ‘C’mon Beth have the past few years taught you nothing? Sneeze into your elbow, not your hands!’ And she replies in a similar manner ‘But I would’ve sneezed towards SO!’ And I said then sneeze the other way but not into your hands, this is a social event and you’re touching dishes, food, etc.
that other people will touch and it’s inconsiderate.
She defended her ‘allergies’ and downplayed how serious I thought it was by reaching across the table to ‘jokingly’ touch my glass and water bottle like ‘oh are you afraid of my germs’ and that’s when I got serious and ticked off. She knows I went through chemo last year and I’m considered immunocompromised at least for the first year.
So I said that’s not funny, and she gave me a nonsense ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ apology and we all got quiet for a while.
During the quiet phase, she had ample time to provide a real apology for being inconsiderate, or even to say nothing and just go wash her hands and she did nothing. So I tell my SO how disappointed I am that she didn’t care to offer an apology because I thought she was a reasonable person.
She then gave a huffy, insincere apology for ‘barely touching my stuff.’ But I wasn’t interested. I said she didn’t need to apologize if she felt like she didn’t do anything wrong, but I drew the line at touching my stuff with her sneeze hands. Then I started wiping off the stuff that she touched and she stormed off and her partner followed. I wasn’t going to ruin the host’s party by having an attitude so the rest of our time was very fun and jovial with everyone else.
When we said our goodbyes, I offered Beth an olive branch and apologized if I offended or embarrassed her and I hope we can move past it.
She started getting super defensive again and I calmly said that it was okay and I can move on from it if she wants to as well. We parted ways and that was that.
To my knowledge, nobody else was aware of this other than who was at the table. I didn’t mention it or disparage her behavior to anyone else in attendance. I just don’t know any grown adult who is inconsiderate enough to sneeze into their hands at a social gathering, not wash or wipe them, then go to the pizza table and whatnot, even before 2020! For me, it boils down to don’t touch my stuff with your sneeze hands.
My SO agrees but thinks I was too ‘short’ with her.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Also, it’s not really about the hygiene it’s about being mindful of others, which Beth refused to be, and then doubled down on her rudeness. Seriously how hard is an ‘oh sorry, I didn’t even think about that, I won’t do it again’? What if it turns out it wasn’t ‘just allergies’ and Beth actually had a cold that OP caught? Or, I don’t know, maybe OP is just an adult who doesn’t really want another person’s bodily fluids near their own food/drink? Call me crazy I guess but that seems fairly reasonable to me.
As for ’embarrassing’ Beth, she embarrassed herself with her childish behavior.
(For the record if OP had like, loudly and publicly confronted Beth I would have voted differently).” welshcobsRthebest
Another User Comments:
“Hard NTJ.
She sneezed into her hands as a reflex? Gross, but understandable; her parents may have been morons. But what kind of degenerate doesn’t carry hand sanitizer these days? Or get up to wash their hands?
And then to deliberately touch your drinking glass, knowing you’re high risk? Absolutely appalling, and she deserved to be called out. You should not have ‘offered an olive branch.'” homicidalslayer
Another User Comments:
“I started out with ESH, because most everybody has gone their entire lives being taught that you cover your face with your hand when you sneeze, and that’s not easy to un-learn.
Then she rubbed her snot hands all over your stuff.
GOD, WHY.
WHY WOULD ANYBODY DO THAT, EWWW.
I mean, heck, even pre-2020, you don’t TOUCH SOMEONE’S DRINK with unwashed hands even if you haven’t just sneezed all over yourself.
And then she doubled down in defense of the snot attack, and I simply cannot even.
NTJ.” quiestinliteris
11. AITJ For Arriving Late To My Lessons And Missing Days?
“I (f/18) was really quiet in school, I’d mind my own business, and I tended to sit alone during lessons because of how socially awkward I was. (I’m writing in past tense because school has now ended.)
Anyway, I was 3-4 minutes late to a lesson one day (bear in mind this was my first time ever being late to this particular teacher’s (f/50+) lesson), and I knocked, opened the door, and immediately apologized for being late.
As soon as I stepped foot, I was bombarded with the words, ‘Get out!’ in the angriest tone I’ve ever heard anyone speak to me in.
I was shocked and anxious and felt so humiliated as my classmates stared at me whilst I walked out. I was trembling, so close to crying, and felt awful that this one moment which lasted less than 30 seconds, ruined my whole day.
I waited by the classroom door for around 15-20 minutes, still shaking, hyperventilating, and in complete shock, contemplating whether I should just escape to the school library, wait for her to interrogate me and let me in (as she expected me to), or go into the bathroom that was less than a meter away and cry my eyes out until she finally opened the classroom door and stepped outside to speak to me.
She asked me why I was late and I told her ‘the traffic was quite intense today’ and that I set off at the right time but still managed to get late somehow.
She said ‘I don’t care,’ and ordered me to get back in class and arrive on time next time. After that day, I tried my best to avoid her and would only speak when spoken to.
Since that day, I arrived late to a lot of her lessons because I’m petty, and sometimes I wouldn’t even apologize and would casually walk in just to spite her.
I’ve missed so many of her Monday morning lessons because of how anxious and triggered I’d get during the weekend leading up to that one lesson every single week.
I’ve cried a lot before going to school on Mondays because I’d hate being around her, so I’d just stay at home and my parents would let me because I’d be so distressed and anxious and I’d wake up crying some Mondays.
I always felt so on edge in her lessons but after that incident, I felt worse. I will remember how she made me feel that day for the rest of my life.
Others might say ‘you should have thick skin’ or whatever, but teachers should know better than to make students feel so awful because they have no idea what the students they’re teaching are going through mentally or even outside of school for that matter.
I know teachers have their own battles but that doesn’t justify treating someone in an awful manner. If you aren’t emotionally intelligent and can’t act decently, you simply should not work as a teacher in my opinion.
Forgot to add, she made a snarky comment a couple of weeks ago, about ‘quiet students that don’t speak in class’ and glanced directly at me as she giggled. I’m one of the only students in that class that barely speaks to her.”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, YTJ.
Someone snapped at you for being late one time and you decided to ‘go to war’ over it because you couldn’t take a single bit of criticism. You’re also mostly just sabotaging yourself with this nonsense. You don’t want to show up anymore. That’s fine. You can fail. The irony of someone who falls to pieces and has a full-on mental breakdown over being asked not to come late preaching about ’emotional intelligence’ is pretty astounding.
Grow up.” tryandbereasonable14
Another User Comments:
“‘Since that day, I arrived late to a lot of her lessons because I’m petty, and sometimes I wouldn’t even apologize and would casually walk in just to spite her. I’ve missed so many of her Monday morning lessons because of how anxious and triggered I’d get during the weekend leading up to that one lesson every single week. I’ve cried a lot before going to school on Mondays because I’d hate being around her, so I’d just stay at home and my parents would let me because I’d be so distressed and anxious and I’d wake up crying some Mondays.’
I was 100% on your side until THIS! Her behavior was not okay that day.
BUT!!? You intentionally start showing up late because you admit you’re petty, thus making the situation worse intentionally, then instantly claim you miss multiple Monday lessons because you’re anxious?? Bull crap.
YTJ.” Country-girl-2212
Another User Comments:
“ESH, your teacher more so than you. It’s unprofessional that she would make comments about the quiet kids during class (taking up time from the class that could be used for learning). And you walking in late is less disruptive than her yelling at you to get out, which also took up more class time than if she just let it go.
It wasn’t the right move to skip class and show up late on purpose, but I would’ve probably done the same thing at your age, the teacher already has it out for you so no point in trying. Moving forward I would leave extra early when you have somewhere to be so you can be sure you will arrive on time or a few minutes early.” Majestic-Chair-3401
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Normally I would’ve said don’t be petty. Which is how you described your actions. But you really weren’t being petty you were stressed out because of how she screamed at you because you were late for the first time. Her actions were unacceptable and I wish your parents or you had gone to the principal to have that discussion. My wife is a teacher, she does not scream at students and she’s been teaching for decades. There’s a difference between being firm and being just plain mean.” PilotEnvironmental46
10. AITJ For Going To See My Ex Against My Friend's Wishes?
“I, 26F, recently befriended a childhood acquaintance, 27F. I’ll call her May.
May and I discuss a lot.. relationship woes, family trauma, etc. We were in similar situations with partners who didn’t treat us well, and who took advantage of our empathy. This really connected us. We both have been back and forth with our guys for a while. Her situation is more complicated as they live together and have a child.
A few weeks ago she had the courage to walk away from her man, which of course I encouraged as he was berating her about household chores not being done when they both have full-time jobs.
Last week, my man broke up with me after I found out he lied about talking to another girl.
Of course, there is more to it than that. But to summarize, he’s just not a great dude that May and I have both suspected to be a narcissist.
I immediately went to her when this happened and she was there for me. We spent a lot of time together, even during work hours (we both WFH). And of course, this was a man-trash-talking-fest in order to empower ourselves to move on.
However, this quickly became more time than I would typically spend with any friend.
The companionship has been great; But the few times I’ve said I wanted to stay in, I felt guilt-tripped. She said I never hang out with her anymore, but I had just seen her 3 days prior. I only hang out with my other friends once or twice a month nowadays (if that).
To the meat of my question: Last night I decided to go spend the night with my ex.
Yes, it was probably the wrong move. May had other plans; I knew she would be disappointed but did not think too much of it.
She texted me in the middle of the night worried that I might be with him. I responded back in the morning that I was, but please not to blow up on me because I know it was wrong.
She responded back hours later with a long message saying she was angry and disappointed.
The gist was that she felt betrayed that I ignored her advice.
That I was her safe space and I am no longer and compared me to a junkie. She said she thinks that she may have to love me from a distance because she can’t keep watching me do this to myself. She pleaded why she was not good enough to keep me away from him.
Admittedly I was defensive in my response. But I cannot understand for the life of me why someone would take MY life decisions so personally.
I don’t blame her for being disappointed, but to bring her own worth into this confuses and upsets me. She said, ‘I thought we were a United front.’
Should I be considering her feelings in my decision to go back to my ex? She never reacted this way in similar situations when she was still going back to her man, so I can’t help but feel like this has to do with her just wanting me to be single to make her situation easier.
I would never get this emotionally upset about a friend‘s decisions, but she insists she’s the only one who really cares.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s your choice and no one else’s what you do with your life and relationships, even if it’s the wrong choice.
It sounds like May has ‘favorite personed’ you: idealizing you, monopolizing your time then setting double standards by getting angry and shaming you when you engage in something she has done.
This does not sound like an emotionally healthy person to be friends with and I would see this as a screaming red flag.
Set clear boundaries or make a decision about whether this person is a healthy person to have as a friend.” wanesandwaves
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but to your own self.
If this guy is two-timing you and is a narcissist, why are you wasting any time on him? I can understand why she’s upset, however, you have to live your own life. Although, she does have a point regarding your ex. He’s an ex for a reason, right? Stop being a jerk to yourself by letting a jerk hurt you.” VegetableTangelo7346
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it takes time to get out of a relationship.
We get lonely then make that mistake and go back to them. We forget the bad quickly and remember the good. It’s easy to say you’d never go back to them after what they did, I fully believed that until I experienced it for myself. She has no right to hound you this way, especially when she knows that feeling herself. I’d take a step back, she sounds quite manipulative. I wish you all the best and hope you manage to get away from your ex, it’s tough but you’ll get there in your own time, it gets easier and will be worth it in the long run! I hope you find someone that truly deserves you.” sassy_spungeldinger
9. AITJ For Not Involving My Family In My Life?
“I’m the middle child of three and have frequently told my parents to deal with my older or younger sibling instead of me. In fact, I’ve taught myself that I’m not the important one in this family. When we were kids, my siblings figured out that after they had my older sister, they were only trying for more kids to have a boy, and my siblings told young me that I was a mistake and should have never been born.
As a kid, it messed me up and I kept my mouth shut thinking that if I was as loud and whiny as my sister or brother, I’d get kicked out.
If I wanted something big like a console, I waited for my birthday or Christmas, and for the smaller things, I always saved my school money so I could afford toys, video games, or nights out with friends that I wanted.
Anytime we hung out with my parents’ friends, I’d hang out with the adults because the kids were always too rowdy and annoying to me, and a ton of their friends treat me like their own kid.
However, after all of this, I got used to being mildly independent and even though I still live with my parents, I pay for the majority of my stuff, even providing for my dog is on me.
I don’t tell my siblings when I’m going out with my friends, and I only give my parents short details. As long as I’m back by curfew, they usually don’t care.
This has started more than a few fights and now my parents have started trying to get more strict with me. Recently, I got into an argument with my mom because I asked for help and in return, she told me that she didn’t have to deal with my problems before going to help my older sister with my nephew.
Any time I try to bring up things that interest me, my mom shuts me down and tells me that she doesn’t care about whatever it is I’m talking about.
I’ve gotten to the point where I’m looking at my phone more than anything to just try to escape the silence that follows when I walk into a room.
My dad tries to get me to talk to him, but I only really ask questions about what he says or help him with his projects if it’s needed.
I don’t tell them what’s going on in my life anymore.
So, am I the Jerk for practically excluding my family?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like your family has failed you pretty consistently. Though it does seem like your dad is now trying to make an effort. It’s ultimately up to you whether you want to interact with them individually. Either way, it sounds like you are fairly justified for not seeking anything from them, emotional or monetary.” Daoist_Wealthyriver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They excluded you first. Just because you share blood with somebody doesn’t mean you owe them crap. Are you of legal age wherever you live yet? It sounds like you need to get away from them as soon as possible before they mess you up further.” banana-bobana
8. AITJ For Not Waiting For My Husband?
“My husband and I have traveled to visit some of his family a state away from our home. Most of his family was not able to meet our 18-month-old daughter, aside from one of his aunties and his brother.
The aunt in question is a sweet old lady who has stayed over at our place several times in the last 2 years since we got married.
I noticed a few things that bothered me a bit like cleaning our wardrobe and doing our laundry several times after I told her it made me uncomfortable and moving around all the furniture in our baby’s nursery without asking us first.
I thought it was her way of showing us love.
We’ve stayed at her place for over a week now, and not only has she started straight up going against what we don’t want for our daughter (feeding her sugar all day, telling us when to give her a bath or change her diapers, sleeping with her in her bedroom when we asked her not to) which was annoying but fine, things really took a turn today.
My husband went out for drinks with his cousin and left us at another relative’s house, which was ok, but he left his phone with me.
Five hours later after we had already had dinner I decided to go home to where we were staying since it was pretty late and I didn’t want to have to call his cousin and cut their night short and that he wasn’t going to be mad. That’s what I told his aunt before she absolutely freaked out on me in front of the whole family.
She started yelling at me and saying she knows him better than anyone and he was going to be angry at her if we went home, at some point she even grabbed my daughter from my arms and said: ‘here come to mama’.
Her sister and brother-in-law had to intervene and ask her to stop making it about her. I didn’t want to escalate things further and said we could stay if she thought we should, but we ended up leaving while she still made backhanded comments.
I felt humiliated. I couldn’t believe I was stuck with her for, at least, the rest of the night. So I messaged my husband’s brother, who is my close friend, just so he could help me think more clearly before actually packing my bags and leaving town, my husband was still out and had no idea what was going on.
As I was sort of whispering in our room on the phone to him, telling him about what happened only to find her listening behind the door.
When I left to prepare my baby some formula in the kitchen she got in my face and started screaming about how she knows what’s best for my husband and that she would not stand for anyone arguing with him, I had to absolutely hold my tongue at this point because I wasn’t even mad at him and the only reason I was upset was the way she was treating me since we always got along very well.
She doesn’t have any children of her own, but my husband’s mom passed away when he was a teen and she stepped in, so I get why she’s protective.
Am I the jerk for not waiting for him before leaving?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The aunt really shouldn’t be telling you what to do. From your first few paragraphs, it sounds like she has boundary issues. She shouldn’t have been screaming at you and shouldn’t have been eavesdropping on your call and definitely should not have grabbed your child from you. I can’t blame you for wanting to get out of there as fast as you can.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“No, you’re NTJ, but you need to cut all ties with that woman immediately!!! It sounds to me like she has an obsession with your husband, and not in an aunt/motherly way, and telling your daughter to come to mama?! That’s very red flaggable. RUN, OP, RUN.” Bridgett_WDW_OTO
7. AITJ For Publishing A Poetry Collection Behind My Mother's Back?
“I (16F) just self-published a poetry collection, and while I’m super proud of it, I think I might be the jerk for the way I did it…
I first mentioned it to my mom when I started out, and she just brushed it off like she always does when I mention my writing. I don’t think she thought I was serious. I didn’t bring it up to her again.
When my proof copy arrived (a copy so I could see if everything was to my liking before publishing), my mom saw it.
She got upset that I had not discussed it with her first, but I promised to be more open and let her read it.
After reading it, she proceeded to tell me that my collection is ‘super dark’, ‘self-centered’, and that I should be careful about what I publish and put out into the world.
I agreed to change a few poems as a compromise but told her that I don’t care what others think, that this is MY dream and I’m doing it for myself.
I made the changes and went ahead and published.
I swear I meant to tell her, but I wanted to tell my friends first as they are always more supportive and excited for me. I told my friends, then I posted about it on my social media, and THEN I told my mom.
(All within a day.)
She got upset that I didn’t tell her first or run the changes through her. She has repeatedly called me selfish for this and even said that she isn’t proud of me or happy for me. She said her support is earned and that I haven’t earned her support or her confidence.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Welcome to the world of parents not being supportive. Heck, I have been writing since I was 10 years old.
At age 11 my dad broke me off by saying how many writing errors there were. I was 11…
At age 17 I found a publisher and we waited until I was of legal age and out of my problems before we started discussing publishing. My publisher, who sadly died a few months back, always supported me.
And I realized that my work is my life. And that my parents definitely shouldn’t have any say in it.
And my publisher gave me that advice. So I give the same advice to you. Stay by your heart and by your pen. You are the one who puts the ink on the paper, nobody else. So always be proud of your work and stand by it.” Mundane_Morning9454
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I don’t care what your mother thinks – I’M proud of you! I’m in the final stages of self-publishing my first book of poetry and it’s HARD!
I’m so impressed with your initiative and industry.
When I was 16 publishing a book of poetry was my dream too. But self-publishing wasn’t a thing then.
Don’t let people put you off writing poetry. It’s for you, not them. But I do encourage you to find a supportive group of poets, whether online or in real life. That makes it even more fun.
As for what your mother said, I don’t think she had any right to know first, especially after being so negative.
You told the people who would give you a positive response, which is understandable.
Your mother sounds very negative and not at all nurturing. I hope you can find some more positive people than her to have in your life.” babamum
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Disclosure: I’m an indie fiction author with some street cred who networks with other authors and knows a number of people making a full-time income or more (mid-6-figures, 7-figures) self-publishing.
I am super pro-self-publishing and would continue even if offered a traditional contract.
Congratulations on your book!
This being said: Without knowing the specifics of the content, I wonder if part of her concern is about your future career prospects, especially if you published under your legal name, and especially if you are otherwise planning to pursue a career in a more conservative field such as teaching. I write romance and have colleagues whose ‘mainstream’ careers have been derailed, family dynamics have blown apart, talking to parents of their children’s friends is difficult or impossible, etc., because they write adult scenes or ‘dark’ content.
I’m firmly on your side and don’t agree with how she approached it regardless of her reasons, but maybe her concern as a parent isn’t (mostly) about being appalled you wrote it or upset you published it, or even jealousy, but about the potential consequences of it being what comes up when your name is Googled.” ChangelingFictioneer
6. AITJ For Snapping At An Annoying Coworker?
“I work in customer service and share a small room with the other people in my department, 2 girls that have been there since I started, and 2 new hires 1 guy and 1 girl. There’s just something about the new guy that they hired that’s given me really bad vibes since the beginning. I tried ignoring it and being as nice as I could for at least a couple of months from when he first started but the more I got to know him the more I realized I genuinely do not like this dude.
I’ve got good reason, he’s done a lot of things that really bug me outside of the fact that I just think he’s a terrible person.
I won’t go in-depth but he’s generally pretty misogynistic, inappropriate, and all-around disagreeable. I’ll definitely admit that, even though I’m still very polite and professional to him, I make it relatively obvious I don’t like him. My convos with him are pretty much only work-related and I avoid him beyond that.
Today I was talking to one of my girl coworkers about how someone tried to follow her out of the grocery store to her car last night and we were talking about the things we do to keep ourselves safe (I.G checking our backseats, not letting our feet get too close to the underside of the car, locking our doors the second we’re inside, rolling up our windows at stoplights), and he decided to inject himself into this conversation he wasn’t a part of and started talking about how girls have the biggest victim complex in the world, and we think any person who looks at us is out to get us and none of that stuff is at all necessary.
(we didn’t gender this conversation, he did.)
My exact words to this were ‘Dude you really need to learn how to shut your stupid mouth when your opinion is not needed or wanted’ which I know is a pretty jerk thing to say but I think there was so much buildup dealing with this jerk that it wasn’t so bad. Everyone in my office has a huge potty mouth too so cussing didn’t have a big impact either.
His view is that if I’m going to have a conversation where he can hear it’s his right to say what he wants, mine is that we work in a small enclosed space where we can hear literally every conversation had by everyone, and that doesn’t give us the right to jump into conversations whenever we want, especially when we don’t have anything respectful to say.
Other coworkers are split on if I was in the wrong.
Most of them are saying I was in the right to tell him to back off but how I said it was super unnecessary, which I can understand. I basically need to find out if I really am the jerk because I’m sure the incident will escalate at least to mediation between us, but I’m not entirely sure I need to apologize. Please help!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have several reasons for this:
-
This guy is rude and if he gives you bad vibes, there’s most likely a reason.
-
I’ve come to learn that the guys that decide women have victim complexes are most likely the type to make the woman a victim. Stay away from him if he tries to do anything, or punch his teeth in.
Also, do you or your coworkers carry pepper spray or anything of the sort with you? It sounds over the top, but I carry mine everywhere, even tie it to my dog’s leash when I take him walking.” Due-Elderberry7441
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I also wouldn’t apologize. Instead, I’d document the inappropriate things he’s apparently saying to you (and your co-workers?) so that when it escalates you have data on your side.
I think he’d take any apology as either surrender or a challenge, using it to cause crap either way.” redhillbones
5. AITJ For Barking Back At A Rude Customer?
“Early last week I was volunteering at a strawberry farm, where you basically come and grab a bucket, pick some berries, weigh and pay. Relatively simple process.
Apparently, in years prior, customers would be charged a dollar for the bucket if they picked less than 1/4 pound of strawberries. They also had the option to transfer their berries to a quart-sized container so they still had something to transport them in.
I never witnessed anyone being charged a dollar because that stopped in 2020 (everyone was having a hard time, and the business owner wanted to be as courteous as possible).
I volunteer at this farm for around 12 weeks throughout the year. I had never seen this customer come in before, but she arrived with her own buckets and demanded that someone show her where to go.
I got her started in the field and resumed my job (I was just helping customers to and from the parking lot and field).
When she returned from the field, she slammed her buckets down on the makeshift counter and started yelling at one of our younger volunteers (literally a 13-year-old child). She started by saying ‘These buckets are from a while ago so you can’t charge me again.
And you look stupid so it was probably you. I want to know what type of policy it is to charge people for buckets that you make us use?’ The poor girl was SCARED. I walked over to address the situation and was met with more derogatory comments. The lady started screaming that we are idiots and ridiculous for ‘running a scam.’
I’ve dealt with my fair share of crazy customers so I remained calm.
I tried to divert the conversation by saying ‘I’m really sorry for that, but we changed that policy about 2 years ago. You don’t need to worry about being charged anymore.’ Keep in mind though, that she had TWO buckets which means that at least one had to be full so she wouldn’t have been charged regardless.
However, she refused to just move forward and accused me of calling her a liar while her strawberries were being rung up.
She continued to scream and make a scene, even going as far as looking me in the eye and saying ‘get out of my face. I don’t talk to thieves with no brains.’
Oh, really? Okay, girl. My turn to be mean. I gave her a second of silence before I handed her strawberries to her and said ‘ma’am if a dollar hurts you this much, go sell some on the street corner and make it back.
Have a good rest of your day. Bye-bye now.’ Then I turned my back to her.
Basically, she reported me to the business owner who told me it was okay but to come get him next time.
Part of me wonders if I took it too far by saying that, though.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope NTJ. People who treat waiting staff, volunteers, etc. like crap are the scam of humanity. It’s also a red flag that can come up early on in relationships (run away if you encounter someone like this).
She got what she deserved. What entitlement!” Any-Literature-3184
4. AITJ For Telling My Mother She Asks Too Many Questions?
“Backstory: this has gone on for about 3-4 years now, ever since there was a divorce scare in my family (my mom was wanting one, long story of miscommunication). My mom asks me so many questions. Seems like they’re the same every day: ‘how was your day?’ and ‘what did you do today?’ are two of her favorites.
This would be ok if her questions were just that, and she was fine with her answers.
But no, I end up answering 15-25 each time. She’s not trying to catch me in a lie, or anything like that. I feel like she genuinely cares about my life but to tell you the truth, I don’t like talking about it. If something is important, I tell her or ask for her opinion on something. She’s the only one in my family to do this (other people I know ask me a million questions, but those are the ones I hardly see and I’m usually happy to make conversation) and it gets agitating.
If I show even a shred of boredom or irritation, she gets all defensive.
Just tonight, when she noticed I was being a bit short with her and not smiling, she asked if she was asking too many questions. I said yes with an apologetic smile, to which she got up from the couch and said ‘Well, I’m sorry for wanting to chat. Don’t tell anyone that I never cared for you, because I do.’ And to an extent I get it.
I talked to her about it about half a year ago, and it hasn’t changed a bit. I understand she wants to have a conversation, but I can’t make that a conversation. It feels more like an interrogation. And I’m so fed up with it.
So what I did was I told her to her face, not in a rude way, that yes. She asked too many questions.
The fact that she got so upset is what confuses me. I guess I could be the jerk here for wanting her to leave me alone. I’m not social with her and I don’t like to be. Her personality is very fake, and I find it irritating when she brings her customer service personality (she is a beautician) home with her.
This is the reason why I’m writing this in the first place.
I only have 3 options: ignore her, be sarcastic or rude, or put up with it. All of these are awful options and I’m sick of it. Now that it’s summer, she calls me every day too. I’m probably being an angsty teen to her, but I’m not like that as a person, just with her. She is someone I want to leave me alone. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Your mom is trying to create a good relationship with you by wanting to know about your life. You being a hurtful jerk towards her does nothing but create tension. She wants to know who her kid is, what they like, how they are doing, etc. so she feels like she has a place in your life. But you’re being ungrateful for it. There are a ton of kids that don’t have that in their lives who would love it.
You should appreciate her wanting to know who you are instead of spitting in her face.” lil-peanutbutter
Another User Comments:
“Alright adult! Time to start learning some communication skills!
I’ll go with NTJ because it seems like your mom just wants to hear about you and your life and your day, and you don’t like to talk in the way that she is used to.
So now is the time for you to figure out how you can strengthen your relationship with your mom, in a way that allows you to maintain the code of silence you want.
First I’d suggest you examine all of your relationships around you and catalog them in terms of communication styles.
How do you talk to your Dad and how does he talk back? Same with friends or grandparents or whatever.
Figure out how those work for you. Then, try to teach your mom.
You write here that you don’t like the way she questions you, like it’s an interrogation. So maybe what might work better for you is a single story, but deeply related. Like this:
Mom: hey, how was your day? You: it was fine but there was this one weird thing.
(Tell one story about the weird thing) Mom: that’s crazy honey! You: yeah. I know. Ok, got to go do thing. Talk to you in a bit!
Your mom is very interested in you and loves you and just wants to know about you. It sounds like she asks you questions and you just answer with maybe a single yes or no, or maybe a small one-sentence reply.
She asks so many questions because you only minimally answer. It’s a conversational style that is not going to get anyone what they want.
So. You need to change it.” mrmses
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Angsty teen. Bored teen. Got a phone teen? A bed? A tv? A DVD player? A Wii? A computer? A room? A stereo? Clothes? She comes home and dares to ask you about your day.
Your classes. Who you saw. How your friends are doing. How are you doing. You are the typical teenager today. So ungrateful and unavailable to your parents.
It’s so different from when I was a teenager. My mom asked about my day and I sat with her and told her everything. Today. Dang. You all are so disrespectful and uncaring that it boggles the mind. All I can say is, someday she isn’t going to be there anymore for you to treat like a second-class citizen. I wonder if you’d even notice.” Loreo1964
3. WIBTJ If I Rescinded Our Inheritance To Our Two Nieces?
“Nieces are between the ages of 3-6. BIL/SIL late 30s. SO and I are not very close to BIL/SIL and nieces.
SO and I are child-free (mid-30s). It’s relevant to know my family is white. We recently put together a will and decided to leave our 2 nieces $100k each; the rest is being donated to several charities. No one knew about this besides us and planned to keep it that way.
Somehow my SIL/BIL found out we are leaving money to the kids and none to them…
This all started when I overheard my SIL say to my BIL that they expect SO and I to leave 100% of our assets to them and my nieces when we die.
‘They don’t have kids (both sides). What do they need it for?!’ They are trying to get my FIL to facilitate this conversation.
I was livid, but I didn’t confront them bc what am I supposed to say?
SO and I saw them at a family dinner a few days after we overheard that conversation. Somehow my BIL brought up that the youngest says racist things in public all of the time; he thinks this is amusing. My SIL chimed in and said he makes racist ‘jokes’ around the house in front of the kids.
The oldest is picking up on this and starting to repeat the ‘jokes’. I was floored bc this has never come to light in the 10 years I’ve known them.
My SIL said she’s ‘not proud’ of their behavior but doesn’t stop it either. She rolled her eyes when talking about this like it’s a dumb quirk.
I get a long text from my SIL a few days after the dinner.
Basically: She said she knows I’m giving the kids money. She’s struggling financially so we should set up a trust to access the cash now for the kids for living expenses – ‘so they can have the life they deserve’. ‘If I loved my nieces, we would help provide’. She said if I don’t leave money she’s going to tell the kids we pulled their money – it’ll be my SO’s and my fault they can’t go to college, buy a house or have a good life.
I haven’t responded. SIL has always been a jerk to me.
I love my nieces but they’re following in the footsteps of my BIL/SIL. I’m not saying my nieces will grow up to be racist (and def don’t blame this on them), but hearing 3-6-year-olds say racial slurs and jokes at this age doesn’t bode well. They also live in an area that condones this language and behavior.
We were already hesitant to leave my nieces anything, but with the racist stuff, the entitlement and threats have made me want to pull the plug completely.
I know I can change the will down the road, but I’m just so done with their nonsense. I feel cornered.
WIBTJ if I cut out my nieces from the will?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s totally your money to give how you like, OP. With all this nonsense going on, you can definitely change your will, and if it were me, I would.
If you decided down the road to leave money to the nieces, it is quite possible to put restraints on who has access to that money (you can pay a professional to manage and disburse the funds so that the parents never get access to it), and you can control when the nieces get that funding (it can be all at once when they reach a certain age or over a period of time), and you can control what that money can be used for (higher education, buying property, whatever you want).
So you could earmark that money for college, and a professional firm would only be able to pay the money directly to the university. Usually, if you do this, there comes an age when all remaining assets are disbursed, but it can be whenever you want, at 25 or 30 or later.
The truth is that you’re likely to live so long that this won’t be an issue.
Changing the will could put a stop to the nonsense now.” Sea_Sounds
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your sister-in-law has a lot of nerve to say those things to you, if they’re struggling financially maybe they need to do some courses, find a better job and work towards a better future…..not expect everyone else to apparently provide them the lifestyle she thinks she deserves.
Your money and your estate and assets are yours, you can do whatever you like with them, NO ONE else has the right to tell you how to split up your estate.
You may want to talk to a lawyer versed in wills and trusts to find out what your other options are and possibly put a caveat or something along those lines in place so that should something happen your SIL isn’t at the house within hours looting whatever she can get.” ColdstreamCapple
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ.
You get to decide what happens to your money, and you do not owe these people anything. Least of all your savings. This woman is demanding you pay for their lifestyle right now; while you are alive and in your 30s, the average person lives to 72. So, what happens if you give them access and they waste all the money? I have a feeling they will.
They are just going to demand more and use the same tactic that if you loved your nieces, you would give them more money. Do not give these people money.
As for leaving money to your nieces with the current behavior, maybe not; you can change your will at any time. So go and change it. Do not leave anything to them, and if you are comfortable with who they are becoming in the future, then go and change it back to giving the nieces the 100k each.
However, you might want to talk to your SO; it sounds like they are the one who shared the information about leaving the money to the girls.” Quirky_Chaos
2. AITJ For Telling My Mother She's On Her Own With Her Cancer?
“For context: Like any other kid I played sick a few times to get out of going to school. It wasn’t often, honestly, I can only remember 3 instances where I pretended to be sick and it was in elementary school.
Because of this, my mom never believed me when I told her of an illness or injury I had. Whenever I went to the doctor she would tell me we were only there for x or y and told me not to waste the doctor’s time.
This led to me not being treated for multiple ailments over the years.
For example, once when I was 8, I told a doctor I had pain in my arm (which has had a large lump since I was 4) and was told that it was just growing pains, which led to my mom telling me that it was growing pains anytime I told her my limbs hurt.
When I was in elementary school I fell 10 feet onto solid asphalt and landed directly on my knees. For years I told my mom of the pain in my knee that never went away and she said I was being dramatic. I was too young to have pain in my knees. I also had multiple food allergies growing up but was never given an EpiPen.
I grew up with asthma but was never taken to get an inhaler. I had to go to school with period cramps that would make me throw up and I once had such an aggressive strain of the flu when I finally went to the hospital the doctors told me that I probably wouldn’t have made it through the week if I hadn’t come in. She ignored my mental health decline after we moved states after my freshman year.
She, however, will run to the doctor every time she has a minor headache.
When I turned 18 I moved out and went almost full NC.
I got into therapy, got an inhaler and EpiPens, and found out that I had a fractured knee cap that never healed properly. And the lump on my arm that developed and had grown since I was 4 turned out to be a benign tumor.
My mom and I only talk now in regards to my sister and I hang up if she tries to talk about herself.
Recently she called me crying, I asked if my sis was okay and she said she was fine but my mom just got diagnosed with breast cancer and she wanted me to move back to be with/help her. It just reminded me of all the times I asked her to take me to the doctor.
I told her she was on her own and she started crying harder.
Here’s where I may be the jerk, I told her not to call me unless it concerned my sis and hung up. So AITJ for telling her she’s on her own with the cancer?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It doesn’t matter that you ‘played sick’ to get out of school. Children do that. I want you to hear what I’m about to say, clearly:
NO MATTER WHAT, SHE WAS GOING TO IGNORE YOUR VALID HEALTH COMPLAINTS AND DENY YOU TREATMENT.
She didn’t do it because you played sick. What she did WAS NOT A REFLECTION OF YOUR INTEGRITY!
My kids played sick. My daughter, as a little girl, WOULD PUNCH HERSELF IN THE NOSE TO MAKE HERSELF SNEEZE SO I HAD TO PICK HER UP. I can laugh about it now, and don’t blame her a bit, that school was horrible.
I still took her to the doctor if she complained of earaches or sore throat.
She got strep from school and passed it to all of us. (or her brother did, not sure which one got it first, AND IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO DID!)
She had an earache, and I was told by the doctor it was ‘swimmer’s ear’ even though she doesn’t swim. (she splashed in the bathtub excessively). When your kids are unwell, YOU TAKE THEM TO THE DOCTOR. It’s a necessary and legal part of being a parent! Your mother was a particularly coldhearted individual to deny you healthcare when you clearly needed it!
I believe the only reason your sister gets the degree of care she does is partly because of your involvement, but also because there is a spotlight on her because of terrible things that have happened to her.
If she had lived with your mother all along, no doubt she’d be just as neglected as you were. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
You could probably still have her charged with child neglect based on the injuries you incurred as a minor, your allergies, and a refusal of treatment or even a diagnosis, depending on the statute of limitations on where you live. She should be on her own knees thanking you every day.
I’ve heard cancer treatments in prison are sub-par, she should be glad she’s still on the outside.
I hope you get therapy to work out the issues she no doubt caused you growing up, and you can find peace with how your life turned out, this sounds incredibly hurtful. (As someone denied medical treatment myself, I truly empathize with you).” AbbyFB6969
Another User Comments:
“Honestly… NTJ.
I didn’t have it as bad as you but I also got ignored a lot for my health issues.
And I would also react in the same way as you tbh. So I can’t even say you are in the wrong because for me you are right.
You walked around for years with a tumor and a fractured kneecap. While your mother ignored your pain and struggles. It does not point to a good mother that has empathy for others people’s pain. But she is narcissistic then when people need to drop their life because she is ill? Sure cancer is a mean thing, which does make it difficult, but breast cancer is also curable if it hasn’t spread.
Sometimes removing the breast tissue is even enough.
So in my eyes, you have no responsibility for her health because she never did it for you. I know that is also a bit selfish because going eye for an eye is petty but…. again I would do the same. And she actually was 100 times worse. You could have died from the flu. From your asthma, from your allergies….
Your mother is extremely narcissistic here.
And you were nice about it. I would have thrown everything in her face.” Mundane_Morning9454
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In no way, shape, or form, would you ever be in the wrong after what you’ve been put through and had normalized.
We have a lot of overlap. My mother is/was the same (I’m full NC). I fell down a flight of stairs, and she said it was just swelling, so no need to see a doctor.
I actually got a hairline fracture on my tibia, and another on my ankle on the opposite leg. Discovered years later (I was lucky that they healed up ok). I had strep, and it took 3 weeks before she brought me to the doctor, at which point there was nothing to do but wait it out. I was never given any cold meds, but was always forced to go to school, and could only stay home if school sent me home.
Everything was written off and ignored. But there was a constant telling me of everything wrong with her. Of trying to guilt me to be nice because she has x, y, z. She has Basal Cell Carcinoma, and would always use that to remind me that she has cancer and could die. One day in my teens I got completely tired of it all and told her that I don’t want to hear about any of her medical problems.
That it wasn’t ok for her to try and use conditions to get away with things or to guilt me. I told her that unless she is hours away from death because of any of her problems, that she best not say a word to me about them.
What my mother did, and what your mother did, is emotional and psychological harassment, as well as physical harassment by way of medical negligence. If at all possible, I would recommend you seek therapy for yourself.” Legitimate-Chart-289
1. AITJ For Throwing My Coworker Under The Bus Without Trying?
“At my workplace, there is a zero-tolerance policy for personal phone usage. They don’t even want your phone to be so much as sitting on your desk. Strict, I know. But they make the rule abundantly clear on day one (they even have us sign a document on day one where we acknowledge it’s a fire-able offense if we break this rule).
That being said, a lot of employees disregard the rule.
In which case, it’s their rear end on the line. No skin off my back, right? Well, here’s where it begins to impact me: Certain employees are always offering to show me pictures, memes, etc., on their phones. Every single time they offer, I point out the rule. Yet every single time, they ignore my wishes. They proceed to pull their phone out (and shove their phone in front of me) anyway.
If we happen to get caught when a coworker is showing me something on their phone, I’m afraid I could end up getting fired (as it would look like we were both slacking off together).
I couldn’t take it anymore. So here’s what I did:
I went to my boss’s office and basically told her ‘I don’t want to mention any names. But certain coworkers are always showing me stuff on their phones, even when I say I don’t want to see it. I want to verify whether their actions could come back to bite me.’
My boss replied ‘It couldn’t come back to bite you.
You have no control over the fact that another employee walks up to you with their phone. BUT you have to let me know who the most recent violator is.’
At this point, I had no choice but to throw the most recent violator under the bus (I had to obey my boss’s request). My boss said the unfortunate coworker won’t be fired (or even written up).
However, they will be spoken to (yet it will be done in a way where the violator will have no idea I was the reason our boss found out).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re helping yourself out by being transparent to your boss about a potential issue that could see you lose your job. If others want to risk their employment by violating company policy, that’s on them, and should understand that actions have consequences.
For everyone that keeps saying you’re the jerk, there are plenty of industries where mobile phones are just not allowed (go work on an oil rig and take out your mobile phone on the deck, see how fast you can lose your job). Long ago I was in IT and helped develop a mobile detection software and hardware kit for a government client, where the staff was dealing with secret and top-secret classed documentation, and having any form of recording device were not only a fireable offense but a chargeable one too.
Didn’t stop idiots from claiming ‘I was just checking social media’, or ‘but my baby is sick’ (there were contingencies for personal contact issues like that) and being marched out the door in handcuffs. People can live without their phone for 8 hours, they just don’t want to.” arendedwinter
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It sounds more like you’re annoyed at other people for breaking the rules and instead of letting it go, like an adult, you ‘innocently’ went to your boss to play the potential victim.
In short, you’re a tattletale, that’s how juvenile this is. Most adults know they wouldn’t be random collateral damage over someone showing you something on their phone. Most employers aren’t out hunting for reasons to fire you.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t even affect you and if you’re trying to victimize yourself over this, you must be wonderful to work with…I’m sure you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone that doesn’t see through the pettiness of your whining.” Jealous_Kitten
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
I understand where you are coming from in terms of clarifying how a rule works to make sure you’re not doing anything wrong, but you totally could have approached this without giving names or just not approaching anyone at all about it since it would be easy to explain that you weren’t breaking the phone policy if you were looking at someone else’s phone.
That being said HOLY crap.
A zero-tolerance policy on phones just in general at a job? Are you working in some highly sensitive government area or something? Because that is one of the few scenarios I can think of where this policy isn’t overbearing, and even then government work tends to define where the use of personal devices is okay. This policy is awful if it’s just some minimum wage job or a desk job.
It causes bad situations like this to arise.” Quople
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Obviously, it’s not right for your coworkers to involve you when you’ve made it clear you’re not interested, and you need to protect your job. But how hard would it have been to ask your boss how someone else’s phone being out would impact you without mentioning that it was actively happening already? You threw someone else under the bus to protect your own interests with the knowledge that it’s a fireable offense, meaning you put someone else’s job on the line for wanting to show you a picture or whatever. I doubt you’ll have to worry about that again since word will likely spread that someone’s been talking to the boss.” KarmaDancer_30
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