People Want Us To See The Good In Them Through Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Sister Buy A House?
“I’m 29F. When I was about 10, my mom married my stepfather. I have an older brother Luke who was 15. My stepfather had Amy and Ada who were 12 and 11.
We didn’t come from a privileged background, my mum was a min wage worker and my dad was absent.
Our stepfather had a very good income. Their deal was that they wouldn’t combine finances, and they would each contribute equally to the household, and then each takes care of their children with their spare money.
So my mum never had anything for us, and my stepfather was spending big on his kids.
This included holidays which Luke and I were excluded from (stepfather would pay for mum, but not us). Luke and I also shared a room even though Amy and Ada had their own rooms and we had a guest room because stepfather insisted that he was paying more towards the house so my mum’s share would only get her one room for the kids.
Luke and I were constantly teased about this situation by the three of them as we grew up. My mum always said that we should be thankful because if it wasn’t for our stepfather we would not be living in a nice home in a good neighborhood.
Anyway, Luke and I became determined to be able to take care of ourselves so that we wouldn’t need to take nonsense from anyone. We have both done quite well with our careers and finances and we are in a very good place. Since turning 18 and moving out my relationship with the three of them has been very limited. I wouldn’t call us friends, but we can exist peacefully if we are in the same place.
I visited my mum recently and my stepfather mentioned that Amy wants to buy a house now that she’s pregnant. He asked me if I’m able to help out a little with the deposit. The house is £500k and she needs a £150k deposit. She has £100k so far.
£25k on her own, £25k from her mum and £50k from step father. He was asking if Luke and I can help cover the extra £50k and he said he’d pay us back as part of the inheritance eventually.
I said no. He insisted that Luke and I both own our houses outright and with our incomes so we should be able to help.
I said whether I can or not is irrelevant, and my answer is no. He reminded me that Luke and I each gave £10k to our cousin for buying a house as a gift, Amy is my sister and he’s offering to pay us back.
I said that was our choice then, this is my choice now. He insisted that we should be willing to help out our family if we’re able to, I replied back ‘like how you helped me and Luke when we were kids?’
Everyone just went quiet when I said this.
After a while, he said if we went back in time he’d have done things differently, and treated all four of us equally. I said that’s good of you but doesn’t make you entitled to my money now. He said he knows he’s not entitled, and that’s why he’s asking and promising to pay it back, I said the answer still is no, not entitled to a loan either.
My mum later told me I could have turned him down without being a jerk or bringing up childhood which he already feels guilty about. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
How can he make it up to you? You don’t want money, and I am not sure what kind of genuine relationship he could foster with you after so long when his guilt is coming out now that he wants something from you.
I think both stepdad and mother failed you here. I can’t imagine having stepchildren and leaving them out while taking their mother and my bio children, or knowing that they are doing without due to an income disparity. It sounds like he could have given you and your brother a better childhood but didn’t want to.
He married your mum, and you and your brother are a part of that package.” BellesBooks
Another User Comments:
“Clearly NTJ. The audacity of his asking, insisting and expressing regret but no apology is quite something.
He even had a chance to revisit the equal contributions more recently when you and Luke bought your houses, to give you both help with the down payment, but stuck with his original program.
So it’s extremely disingenuous to say he would have done it differently if even now he has made no attempt to do so, and just brings it up after pressuring you for $$.
Good for you to stay calm and clear and reflect back on his own attitudes.
Keep that line and maybe he really will examine himself further.
For your mother, it sounds like she’s not at a place of realizing the harm he/she did and choosing to still prioritize his feelings over yours. Maybe reflecting some of her attitudes back is helpful too, if you’d like to avoid her rebukes for holding your boundaries.
‘Yes Mum, we felt bad too as children and wondered why he didn’t feel guilty then (or you for that matter) so it’s validating to know he is starting to look at his actions. In the meantime I’ve been very reserved with mine.
I haven’t even told you what I think of your actions back then!'” kg6396
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He was a major jerk. Also, if you’re in the states they were breaking the law by making opposite-gender kids share a bedroom. He was cruel.
Malicious. And a monster. And your mother was an enabler who cared more about living in a nice house with a man who treated her kid like basement goblins than about her actual kids.
The fact that they had the gall to approach you about this at all is laughable.
How dare they. Also, she’s not your sister. She’s the offspring of the awful man your enabling mother married. She never treated you like a sibling and enjoyed rubbing your nose in the poor conditions in which you were forced to live.
You aren’t a jerk for reminding him of just how awful he was.
But your mother deserved equal and more blame than he because she allowed the awful treatment. They’re fortunate you allow either of them in your life at all. The only jerks in this story are your mother and her husband.” TashiaNicole1
17. AITJ For Not Buying Food For My Nephews?
“I live with my sister and her two kids who are 14 and 11.
She’s a single mom and works overnight. I don’t have any kids myself. I try to cook home meals for the most part. However, there are some days I order burgers/Chinese food/desserts. Well, every time I go out to buy food I feel guilty if I don’t buy them anything.
For example, if I go get myself a burger well now I have to go get 3 burgers instead of 1, and it quickly adds up (especially because these kids EAT A LOT). All while my sister is sleeping. This has been going on for at least 6 years.
Even when I do cook at home, I have to cook for at least 3 people so it adds up even if I decide to cook at home.
Today was the first time I bought food for myself only. I walk in and my nephew asks me ‘what’s that’ (pointing at my burger).
I told him ‘food’, to which he replied, ‘what food’. He’s old enough to know what it is, he just wanted me to tell him I had a burger for him waiting somewhere. Again, I have done this for over 6 years constantly buying myself and them food so I’m tired at this point.
This is the reason why I don’t have kids, because I know they’re expensive. My sister relies too much on me to feed her children. She makes good money so it’s not a money issues it’s just that she’s sleeping ALL THE TIME.
I know it’s not the kid’s fault but I’m tired of having to spend 3x the amount if I decide to get takeout. AITJ?
Edit: we all split the costs for rent/utilities. She has a bedroom, I have a bedroom, and her kids have a bedroom.
She pays about $80 more in rent per month but that’s because her kids have the master bedroom (since it’s 2 of them). But we all equally split utilities like water, gas, electricity, etc. which is why I feel I can’t keep buying them food.
The cost of living is expensive & to add feeding two kids to my plate is something I can no longer do.
Also, I’ve had this conversation with her about her feeding her kids. It gets better for a couple of weeks but then she goes days where she won’t feed them and rely on me or my father to feed them.
Edit Part 2: I do tend to finish eating before I get home 50% of the time but I also like eating in my room while I watch TV. It’s my home too, I pay bills so I shouldn’t be forced to eat out, I should be able to enjoy eating wherever I want.
I eat food in my room so it’s not like I’m in the kitchen or living room shoving it in their face. It’s just that they see my food as I walk past the living room to get into my room.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but of course,e teens want burgers if you have them. Could your sister set up a fund specifically set aside for buying the kids takeout/extra groceries? Would you be fine with it if she venmoed you, say, $100-$200 a month to cover things?
If you don’t come home and go out for dinner, how do the kids get fed? You are definitely NTJ if you’ve suggested she pay for their food and she refuses but then also doesn’t make sure they’re fed. If she doesn’t want to pay for takeout, you all should have a family meeting where she explains that uncle is a grown-up and feeds himself, and it’s not appropriate to ask him for his food.” guiltypleasures82
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for bringing in a burger with nothing for them. They are kids. It’s not their fault for wanting something to eat. The issue is your sister, not the kids. If you want to eat a burger, eat it at the restaurant.
Don’t bring it right under their noses. You are punishing the kids for your sister’s lack of parenting. You need to have a conversation with your sister. She needs to be taking care of feeding her kids. While it wouldn’t hurt you to help her out, it shouldn’t be your primary responsibility to feed the kids.” Harry7411
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The bills ought to be split in 3 with food being completely separate. 2/3 your sister’s expense, 1/3 your expense. Don’t buy them food unless your sister pays you to do it before you buy it.
She can give you money to make up for what you have spent in the past.
Sounds like she may be depressed, if she’s sleeping all the time. Ask her to get mental help.
You are subsidizing your sister’s family. Stop it.” Maybeidontknow99
16. AITJ For Letting My Father Go Hungry?
“My family is conservative, so my childhood/adolescence was basically miserable.
I was forced to do all the chores while my 2 brothers weren’t.
I didn’t go no contact with my parents, because it’s necessary not to cut contact with them (I’m the only one who lives in the same city – the others live too far away)
On Saturday (the other week), my parents called me saying that there was a problem with the electrical part in their house and they begged me to let them stay at my house for 4 days, as they would be spending a lot of money to fix it and they couldn’t afford to stay at the hotel.
I agreed but said that I had my routine and would not be helping my father (63). They agreed.
On the first day, it was pretty ok and my mom (60) did everything for my dad.
The next day, my mom had to make an emergency trip to her sister (her sister paid for her to go and she lives in another city) in the morning.
I went to work and had lunch at the company.
When I got home, my father said ‘Wow, I thought you would never come, can you make something for me? I just ate what your mother made for lunch in the morning’.
Keep in mind that my fridge was full and my father knows how to cook in addition to knowing how to use the cell phone (internet), he just didn’t want to do it, because my mother does everything.
Me: ‘Look, dad, I’m really tired, besides I’m leaving here in an hour’ (it was 6 pm).
He started to complain saying that he would get hungry and that I should make him food for lunch and dinner; my role as a woman bla bla bla.
I just replied: ‘You have hands, you have a telephone, and there is the pizzeria contact on the fridge if you don’t want to make food, but I won’t make it’.
The night was good and I only returned at 1 am. My father was already sleeping and mum didn’t come back.
I woke up late, so I just ran to work without even saying hello to him, so I didn’t pay attention to anything.
As the day before, I ate at work.
When it was about 4 pm, my mother called me screaming saying that my father was dizzy with hunger, because I refused to make him anything and I knew he doesn’t do those things, so it wouldn’t cost me anything to make even a basic snack for him, but I preferred to let him starve.
I pointed out what I said before they came and she started saying that this was negligence with an elderly person (who is capable of doing everything).
They left before I got home and stayed at a random person’s house.
My brothers are giving me a hard time, accusing me of being petty and vindictive, just like my parents.
I don’t think I’m wrong, but I would like an outside perspective.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And even if OP hadn’t ‘warned’ them what kind of grown man is incapable of feeding himself and would go hungry rather than ‘humiliate’ himself by doing ‘wimmens work’.
Presumably, there was milk, bread, jam, peanut butter, cereal, crackers, or some food that people normally eat if they don’t feel like cooking.
They also could have ordered pizza even if Door Dash was beyond his comprehension – and why didn’t they actually bring some groceries – most markets now have a take-out type of food that only has to be heated in the microwave – or frozen meals.
Father doesn’t appear to have any kind of physical disabilities that would prevent him from walking into the kitchen and taking food out of the refrigerator – he does have extreme mental disabilities of sexism to the point where he literally would rather suffer than do what he perceives as a female task.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your family isn’t conservative – they’re entitled and sexist. When we’ve been raised in unhealthy family dynamics, it’s hard to break that cycle even when we logically recognize those relationships aren’t good for us. I’d suggest searching out a professional to talk to who can help you navigate this to own that they may be your parents fully and you may love them but you don’t deserve to be treated like this and it’s not your obligation to financially support them while being emotionally mistreated by them.
Good luck OP.
There is a difference between being conservative and being a misogynistic sexist.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I wonder if they really were having work done on their house and needed a place to stay, or your mom wanted to dump your dad on you so you could cook his food, wipe his mouth and his butt, while your mom enjoys her time with her sister?
You know your sibs are going to dump these two on you when they are actually very old- right? And while you spend your hard-earned money on taking care of them, they will have given their power of attorney and money over to their golden children – sons.
Guilt tripping you by your parents or other family members do not equal love. You as a female are seen as less than in their eyes. Stop wasting your time, emotion, and energy on people who only value you as a personal maid, cook, and future home care provider.” SummerIceCream3893
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Mom Live With Me?
“My mom currently lives in my late grandma’s house. My aunt owns it & has decided to sell it. My mom doesn’t work & lives off SSI, so it’s not easy for her to find somewhere to live with such a limited income.
She has mentioned to me a few times that she isn’t sure what she is going to do. It’s obvious she’s fishing for an to invite my spare bedroom, but I haven’t & don’t plan on taking the bait.
My relationship with my mom is complicated & there is a long history of hurt.
Her husband, not my father, hurt me in a way no girl should ever experience. She took his side. Enough said. I cut her out of my life at 18 & didn’t let her back in until 25. Some days I forgive her, other days I don’t.
My husband, who is aware of this, isn’t her biggest fan. He’s kind & courteous to her when she is around, but he really can’t stand her knowing how much hurt she put me through.
So… AITJ?
UPDATE: She called today and asked if she can park her car in my driveway to sleep in at night.
I told her I’d have to talk to my husband. In reality, that meant me figuring out a way to say no without turning into a fight. I text her that we decided that it wasn’t a good idea but that I’d help her find a room to rent and she hasn’t responded. I also texted my older sister and she basically said she doesn’t have the space for our mom.
Now I’m really struggling with guilt even though I know it’s for the best.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But why live with the stress of all this? I would suggest you have a sit-down and make it clear that she needs to figure out a plan as she will never be invited to stay in your home.
That way she knows exactly where you stand, and that you letting her back into your life with limited contact was a gift. There will not be more. By the way, if mom is on SSI they may be able to help him with housing.” NoDaisy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if your mother was a model citizen you wouldn’t be obliged to house her. But your mother let you down in a way no child should be let down by a mother. Most mothers would want to take something into their own hands and make sure the perp could never do something like that again.
You more than most are entitled to the space you need because of her abject failure to protect you.” Dogmother123
14. AITJ For Leaving My Own Engagement Party?
“I’m very close to my brother but I’ve kept my relationship with my fiancé a secret from him for the past 3 years. They used to be best friends but now they hate each other because of something that happened with my brother’s wife.
I knew I had to tell my brother after we got engaged but I was struggling with how to do it without making him hate me. My fiancé decided to invite him and his wife to our engagement party without telling me. He claims he did it for me and so we didn’t have to push our wedding back but I think he wanted to get one over my brother one last time.
My brother never mentioned knowing about my engagement until the party where he confronted both of us. He was angry at my fiancé but disappointed in me which hurt a lot. He left without listening to me and I followed him even though my fiancé told me not to because the other guests would talk if I left my own engagement party early.
Since I left early, he and his family have said I embarrassed them and his sister is upset I didn’t appreciate the party she spent so much time planning for us.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Fiance messed up obviously. He should have just told his former best friend and skipped the invite.
You messed up more. You lied to your sibling for three years. Want to push back the wedding due to your lying and then refusing to try to rectify the situation? You put everyone in an uncomfortable position.
And you can bet that your future in-laws will not bother to spend their time and money on any future events.
SIL worked hard on a party that was ruined based on a lie you started. Fiance may have finished it but the majority of the fault is on you.” sheramom4
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You, because it was ridiculous to continue lying to your brother for so long about a serious relationship.
If you’d told him three years ago or even two years ago, he’d be over any bad feelings by now. But now he has the compounded bad feeling of three years of lies.
Your fiance, for finding a really crude way to announce to your brother that you two have a long-term relationship to the point of being engaged.
Your brother for turning up at the party simply to make a scene and storm out again.
Also all three of you for disrespecting your fiance’s sister who went to so much trouble to make a nice party for you, when you preferred to make a huge drama over nothing.
You and your fiance are clearly too immature for a relationship if you can’t even be open and honest about being in a relationship.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your fiancé should not have invited anyone without telling you.
What went down between your fiancé and your brother’s wife?
Must have been something pretty bad to break up a best friend relationship and cause you to keep your relationship with him a secret for three years. So why did you overlook it all this time? Sounds like you maybe should unpack that a bit because any relationship you have to keep secret from someone you purport to be close to cannot be a very good thing.
And no, you’re not close to your brother if you kept this relationship from him all this time. I’m sure he is disappointed and hurt by that and rightly so.
And now your fiancé and his family are pinning all this on you? Oh, BIG red flag on that play!
I mean, something went down where his friendship with your brother was ruined and he hasn’t repaired it. So instead, he just blindly invites your brother to this party and expects you to suck it up when the guy is upset? You’re supposed to just party on?
Oh, God no! Seems like he’s angling to cut you off from your family since whatever happened before wasn’t enough to make that severance already. RED FLAGS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Leaving the event is the least of your worries here.” The-Answer-Is-57
13. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Sister's Kids All The Time?
“I’m 19F and my sister is 29F with 4 kids.
Since the age of 12, I was always forced to watch her kids. She ended up getting pregnant again with twins when I was 13 and again… I was forced to watch her 3 kids by myself while my older brothers got to live a regular normal childhood.
(Side note: She never paid me, I was expected to watch her kids because she’s my ‘sister’.)
When I was 17, My sister started taking advantage of the fact that all she have to do is pretend she was going to work and she can go where ever she wants without saying anything.
Well, she lied one time and made it seem like she was going to work. We ended up finding out because she got pregnant. I was upset because I knew I was going to be forced to take care of her responsibilities and have to put my life on the back burner.
All this made me not want kids. EVER! I would never want to dump my responsibilities on someone else. I wouldn’t even continue to have kids knowing I can barely afford to put one in daycare.
At 18, I got a job and my sister tried to have conversations about us getting an apartment together.
Instant no. To me, it looked like she was trying to continue to keep me as an in-home babysitter.
Now, I’m 19. And I and my sister got into an argument because I asked her for ice cream. YES, AN ICE CREAM, and she told me no and I told her ‘It’s so funny how I respect your boundaries to allow you to answer yes or no without taking it upon myself and just taking your ice cream without asking you, but with you.
You don’t respect my boundaries… you expect me to say yes, that’s why you take it upon yourself and leave without asking me to watch your kids’. I told her for now on, you need to ask me to watch your kids and stop expecting me to watch them.
She said I was petty for saying that.
AITJ?
UPDATE (13 Days later): I and my sister haven’t talked since. Not even on Thanksgiving. I haven’t been watching her kids at all. But she’s been putting them off on my Mom. Today, my Mom was going somewhere and she asked me why I and my sister haven’t been talking.
And so I told her. She told me that was no reason to stop talking to her. She thought it was just about the Ice cream situation, but I told my Mom once I told her she needs to ask me to watch her kids from now on, we never talked since.
Next thing you know, I hear my Mom asking where my sister was and her kids said she left. My mom was mad and called her asking where she was at. I don’t know what she told her, but I’m assuming work. My mom was saying, why didn’t she tell her?
She has places to go.
My mom can’t ask me to watch them because I’m going to work. Now, she’s mad.
Now, she knows what it feels like.”
Another User Comments:
“Sit down with your parents, let them know your experience (how come they didn’t step up to stop this?) – and prepare to have a long break from your sister.
If she’s lying before about her activities, she’s probably poisoned the well with your parents too about the situation.
You’re an adult, and should have been paid/compensated like any other worker for child-care/nanny duties and this needs to stop. I hope you can see the nieces/nephews at gatherings without being pressured or them having the wrong idea; this is where your parents should step up and support that it’s not the KIDS who are the issue, it’s their rude, selfish mother who took advantage of their aunt’s youth and generosity.
AND the sexist rubbish about older brothers having a normal life is darn sad. NTJ.” StraightBudget8799
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Start making yourself less available. Get up early and go to the library. Make your appointments for just before the times she usually leaves her children with you.
Enroll in a class – a trade, academic, or just for fun. Hang out with friends. Whatever gets you out of the house and from under her and your mother’s thumbs.
Move out as soon as you can.
Don’t let them make you feel guilty.
Remember this: When you were a child, your parents were responsible for you. That was their job and you owe them nothing for raising you, no matter what anyone else may tell you. If your mother and siblings don’t like it that you’re telling her no, invite them to tell her yes and babysit, in your stead.” EYJacksonGilbert
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. One of my biggest pet peeves in life is how many people assume their parents or siblings will be free child care. Also, my partner is the oldest of many siblings and his helping to raise them is why he doesn’t want kids.
I understand you’re cautious because you love your nieces and nephews. However, their presence and your family’s assumption of your help are limiting your future possibilities. You should be free to pursue school or career options at your age.
If you can move with a friend, or get into a college that’s an option.
But if you have to live at home I think what other commenters are saying is probably true. Tell your sister she needs to communicate and ask if she wants you to help but if she leaves when you’ve already told her no or you have to work, you’ll be reporting her for abandoning the kids.
It’s totally her decision if she wants to take that risk. I understand that might make you unpopular in the family, but you can always tell them they can help if they want to avoid this and remind them it was your sister’s decision, not yours.
She was told, she did it anyway.” Pristine-Leek-9576
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Come Home For The Holidays?
“Normally every year I fly back home (~2000 miles) for a couple of weeks to spend time with my parents and siblings. It’s a pretty expensive trip because the ticket cost me usually around $800-$1000, I’m buying gifts for all of my family members, which is about 15 people, and I have to pay for my own stuff while I’m there, things, such as groceries, travel, going out to eat, etc. Overall since I moved away, I’ve spent roughly $3000 each time I go back.
Sure, I could just skip out on getting everybody gifts and hoping my being there to celebrate and spend quality time is enough but unfortunately, my presence is not enough for them. They want gifts too. Not only that I stay with my parents and my two siblings that still live at home.
So for the duration of my stay there, I’m typically sleeping on the floor, or in a sleeping bag. It’s far from comfortable with a bad back. Plus a good majority of my family hates me because I call out their crap. I got tired of being cordial and being around them.
So I’d rather not waste my time or money on them.
So this year I’ve decided to save myself, the headache, back pain, expenses, and my sanity.
Unfortunately, there’s also one lingering issue, my spouse, and I inherited their parents’ belongings, such as a house, a vehicle, and half of their total finances.
I have not told my immediate family what the inheritance amount is, but it’s truly not that much. It’s around $100,000 which is going to be taxed anyways. So we’ll end up with about $70,000 which will pay off debt and go toward fixing up the house.
There were some hiccups and unfortunately, it’s not considered true inheritance, and it counts as income which is (not) lovely.
My spouse used to talk about their parents being really good at saving money and having a pretty good nest egg saved up for them and their siblings to split upon their passing.
My mother and siblings hearing this assume that we are going to be extremely rich now because the estate closes this month. So for the last two months, they have been sending me Christmas gifts they have in mind that I could get them, things, such as phones, computers, TVs, jewelry, and even a $50,000 car.
I know they are doing this because they know about the estate and I honestly just feel used. I can’t tell them the truth about the estate because they have their minds made up that I’m extremely wealthy either way.
So AITJ for not going because I feel like they only want me there for expensive gifts?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You shouldn’t have started getting everyone who wasn’t immediately a gift, to begin with. Skipping this year to save your sanity is not a bad thing. You and your spouse should go to a quiet place instead and just relax for once.
If your family does actually ask about the inheritance tell them that it didn’t work out because the will was wrong or something like that so your spouse doesn’t have an inheritance and it’s going to a charity or something. This will get them to stop nagging.
Or just be truthful and say that the inheritance isn’t for them so they need to back off. But your spouse needs to learn to not talk about finances in front of people because that is when the hands come out.” lil-peanutbutter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your presence should be enough, especially since your flight is so expensive. Having to bring gifts is already pretty greedy considering you’re supposed to pay for your own needs and sleep on the floor. (I heard these stories before from my immigrant co-workers, so I don’t think it’s very uncommon sadly).
Expecting expensive gifts from your spouse’s inheritance is even pettier though… it’s from their parents in the first place. Obviously, you would like to spend it on something long-lasting like renovating the house or paying off existing debts… maybe you could tell them you yourself are not entitled to it as it’s your husband’s?
Not that it would probably make a big difference in them believing that you’re just stingy.
You’re not responsible to buy your siblings or parents expensive jewelry or a car. You’re allowed to enjoy the holidays in a way that suits you, if that means staying home is the best for you then do it.” Crazyandiloveit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s insane you would go – who spends 3K unless they have money to burn, especially after being treated like you do?
Technically Inheritance belongs to your spouse only – your family has no right to assume you will use any of it on them, legally it’s just his even if you are divorced. So shut them down and say it’s not yours and that he is paying off his debts and you don’t have anything extra.
Who cares what your siblings think – one more picture of a present blocks them. You are not their parents and they are not 5-year-olds.
Tell your parents you can’t come this year to Thanksgiving or Christmas and they are free to come down and see you during the year and stay at a hotel.
Otherwise, wish them well and say it will have to be a long-distance relationship over facetime if they want to stay in contact and that you’ll be celebrating your holidays in your area from now on.” User
11. AITJ For Playing Offensive Music In The Car?
“I live with a roommate who recently lost his license due to multiple infractions of reckless driving and speeding. He now has no way to get to work and he begged me to start picking him up and dropping him off when his shift starts/ends.
I told him that I would only do it when I could and I would expect $20 a month to cover gas. I thought this was a pretty sweet deal since an Uber or Lyft would be about $20 per ride. Instead of being grateful he moped and insisted that I drive him to and from work no matter when his shift started. I held my ground because I refuse to miss my college classes on his account.
Anyway, the trips to and from get pretty boring so I started interchangeably listening to podcasts and music while taking him to and from. My roommate is a pretty religious guy, but so far he’s kept it to himself so it was never an issue with me.
He started by complaining about the types of podcasts that I would listen to, citing that they were too vulgar. He would scoff and cross his arms whenever someone swore. I thought it was kind of unnecessary and silly but whatever, not a big deal. Yesterday things escalated when I put on some rap music.
My roommate gave me this upset look and started demanding that I turn it off.
It was one thing for me to drive him around to work, it wasn’t fun for me but I don’t want the dude to lose his job. But his making demands about what I listen to while I do him a favor struck a nerve.
I told him that this was my car and if he didn’t like it, I’m sure an uber driver will let him use the AUX cord to listen to whatever he wanted. My roommate started ranting about how I’m ‘what’s wrong with people today’ and how I needed to get square with god.
I just ignored him, dropped him off, and told him through the window that he would need to find his own way home.
I ignored his angry texts and sure enough an hour after his shift ended he slammed our front door and threw some insults my way before stomping to his room.
We haven’t spoken since. A few of my friends think I did the right thing but some others think I could have been a little nicer about it, mostly they said I should have taken him home and then told him that giving him rides wasn’t working out.
What do you guys think?”
Another User Comments:
“I consider myself religious in a non-preachy, judgy way and I say not the jerk. He seems judgy and entitled. His faith teaches following the rules, but he couldn’t be bothered to follow the speed limit and lost his license.
He’s now dependent on others and feels entitled to tell people what they can listen to in their own car and gets mad at little and then ask to expect people to chauffeur him around. Time for public transportation and Uber. You owe him nothing.
He did this to himself by not obeying the law and being gracious. NTJ.” cherposton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You’re roomies. It’s not your responsibility to take him to work. If he doesn’t like the conditions you’re offering while going out of your way for him, let him call a friend, a family member, or a co-worker, or he can pay for a ride elsewhere.
You don’t owe him. If he doesn’t like your choice of listening entertainment, he can put on some earphones and his own tunes or whatnot. He made mistakes and lost his driving privileges, let him get square with karma.” CommodoreDragon-64
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
As a formerly religious person raised by religious persons, I can assure you and him that he just needs to grow up.
The world isn’t going to get out of his way because he’s offended.
If he wants to completely control his surroundings and schedule and ride to work, he needs to be a responsible person and not lose his license.” Eastern_Fox5735
10. WIBTJ If I Ask My Wife To Pay My Loans?
“I and my wife have a pretty perfect marriage, we both met in uni and have similar friend groups and run in the same social circles. I’m a doctor and she is a lawyer, so we both earn 6 figures, though she outearns me by a lot at the moment.
That’s fine by me though, we don’t have split finances and the way we work is that we put a % of our incomes into our savings and house management account, along with our leisure account.
My wife earns about 270,000 excluding bonuses and I earn about 150,000 right now, with no bonus available.
I am currently in a massive amount of student debt, as I was considered an international student when I went to med school, and I also had to get a bachelor’s degree. I was 450,000 in debt, but now I am around 230,000 in debt.
I asked my wife if we could discuss putting some money from our savings and leisure account toward my student loans.
Also, by the way, we’re not in the USA, if that’s relevant.
We discussed it. I explained that it would mean complete financial freedom and that it’s a large amount of debt which will also result in a large amount of interest building up.
She was hesitant but quite open-minded about the whole thing. This would be the first time either one of us used our leisure account purely for one of us at such a high amount. Like, we’ve bought televisions and gaming consoles with a joint leisure account, but with those both of us use it, and we both share it.
With this decision, it would be purely for my personal gain. She said she was ok with it, but wanted some time to mull it over.
After 2 days I received a house call from one of my wife’s older married colleagues, who I’ve never liked. She basically tells me that I’m leeching off my wife and that if I was going to have problems I should have gone to a cheaper school, rather than burden a perfect woman( yes, my wife is perfect) who dared to outearn her man (this really isn’t an issue for me)
This woman was ‘politely’ telling me to back off and let my wife keep her money, saying how her first marriage ended in divorce because her husband treated her like a free bank, and how it is hard for successful women to manage their finance.
I told her ‘o, faigh gnè do sheanmhair ann an dìg a chailleach’ which roughly means go screw your gran in a ditch you old hag. What I did not realize is that this woman with a Texas accent, who immigrated to our country from the USA, understood Scottish gaelic somehow.
She got very angry and began yelling at me.
My wife found the whole thing pretty funny, I did not, because this witch was loud.
But it got me wondering if I would be the jerk for making her pay for my loans?”
Another User Comments:
“No. NTJ.
That’s a discussion entirely between the two of you. YWBTJ if you get upset at her refusal, however asking nope.
Your wife also knows the score as a married couple your incomes, even if you don’t have joint accounts, are considered joint income so it’s effectively the same as one income of $420k.
She’ll know this because it’s how it would be assessed during divorce proceedings (been there, done that, as the primary earner). That’s not to say you should use this as a bludgeon to demand she covers your debt, it’s just the legal position.
Further switch roles a second, would you consider your wife a jerk for asking you to pay off her student debts if you were primary?
Would she be considered a leech or gold digger depending? If not there’s no contradiction, so no hypocrisy.” Gungnir257
Another User Comments:
“Going to say ‘no jerks here’. Although really your wife’s colleague was way out of line and absolutely deserves to be chewed out for not minding her own business.
Really though, I personally think you and your wife should either bite the bullet and look at combining everything and working together as a team from here on in. No more mine and yours, but instead everything is ours. In which case you both pool money, and you both pay off debts together.
OR if you both want to keep financials separate, then you should be paying off your own student loans. You earn a good income, and it sounds like there is potential for future growth there as well. There is absolutely no reason why, with some very basic money management and budgeting, you cannot get rid of that entire student loan by yourself in a few years.
It’s not an insurmountable challenge.
I do not think she should be paying off your debt for you if you are both maintaining separate finances. Then again, I don’t really understand married couples that do keep separate finances in the first place; it is counterintuitive of what marriage is supposed to be, to me.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Others have spoken to the finance question and whether you are going to ‘make’ her pay off your loans. There’s plenty of potential for you to be the jerk there, especially given the way you describe your approach, but that’s something to be worked out in the marriage.
But you are DEFINITELY the jerk for saying something really nasty to someone in a language you think they cannot understand, and then getting indignant when they let you have it. You are the jerk for the cowardly way you thought you could be straight-up nasty to their face without them knowing, and you are a double jerk for believing that YOU have been wronged when she tore you a new one for it.
You should be ashamed of yourself.” ChinaShopBully
Another User Comments:
“You would be the jerk for ‘making’ your wife pay, but it seems to me that you’re really asking if you’re the jerk for /asking/ your wife about paying off debt from your /joint/ savings and play money.
And in my opinion, absolutely NTJ, as long as you accept the decision with grace either way.
This makes complete sense to me, as you’d be preventing massive interest payments, which could eat into your money, and affect the household finances for as long as you’re paying it off.
This seems like a fairly joint finance kind of relationship, so paying down any debt the both of you have quickly, reducing interest costs, will benefit you both in the long run.
If I were your wife, I’d be jumping on this opportunity to reduce the ‘price’ (being additional interest) of an expense.
However, I would also suggest that at least 50% (and as high a % that would allow you enough money to live at /my/ comfort level so we’re on equal everyday footing) of what you’re currently paying on student loans be paid into savings/play money in whatever split you decide is best. Alternatively, it could be carefully invested, if that’s something you’re both interested in.
In my opinion, this compromise is what would leave you as a couple in the best financial stead.
I’d ask your wife outright if she agrees with her friend, and if not, don’t worry about her – she got what she deserved for trying to stir the pot.
Good on you for considering finances as well as all involved.” Stillokayfine
9. AITJ For Locking My Bedroom Door?
“My (15F) mother (39F) was born in Honduras and came to the United States when she was 18 to go to college and then to law school. She met my father (46M) when they were both working at my grandfather’s law firm.
My mom was just a young intern and my das was very important there, being the boss’ son. She also met Jenny, who was a secretary working at the firm, but had no interest in law and wanted to be an actress.
When my mother got pregnant with me, Jenny also got pregnant with an older rich man she was seeing at the time.
The issue was that the man didn’t want to have anything to do with the baby and would have preferred she terminates her pregnancy. She decided to keep it and my mother became, even closer to her, being pregnant at the same time. At that point, my grandfather died, and my dad inherited a lot of money.
Jenny became really sad after her baby, Stacy, was born and wasn’t up to fully acting as a mother so she moved in with my parents and my mom was the one that take care of both me and her baby. My dad also help all he could, by the way, but he was busy working a lot at the time.
My mom finished school, she passes her bar exam being 8 months pregnant, but never ended up working as a lawyer after that.
Jenny got better with her mental health and keep trying to get work as an actress, without much success. So, when I was 7, she moved out of our house with her daughter because she found a role in an off-off-broadway production.
Stacy and I had been raised as basically sisters and were best friends, but we were also little girls so it wasn’t something really deep, I think. My mom keeps having a lot of contact with them and visits them at least once a year but I mostly forgot about Stacy.
I went with my mom to NY a few times during her visits and we watch Jenny on her show when I was 13. It was terrible, in my opinion.
Earlier this year, a job opportunity came for Jenny about being in a television show in Romania but she would have to be there for at least a year and couldn’t bring Stacy.
So, my mom offered to let her stay with us. My mom was really happy about it but I was mostly indifferent. She has been really intense with me since her arrival, wanting to reconnect as when we were kids. I don’t want to be rude but I am really shy and calm, while she is really loud.
She is always in my room because she says she is too used to share a small room with her mom and does not like being alone in her own big bedroom in our house.
Since last week, I started to lock my door so Stacy can’t come in without me allowing it.
I think it is fair because I deserve to have privacy but my mom says I am being mean to her. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but given the context, Stacey’s mom is all she had for family and now she’s been left alone, in a strange place, with new neighbors, and no school friends and her mom probably filled her head with stories of ‘how close you were as babies’ to reassure her that ‘things will be fine’… when she basically is abandoning her daughter for her selfish dreams of fame.
This is a real problem. Your mothers basically dumped the emotional support of an abandoned child entirely on the shoulders of another child. Shame on both of them, and tell your mother that the person saying this IS A 54-YEAR-OLD MOTHER of a 21-year-old.
So your mother, being the adult legally and physically now responsible for this other child, needs to get off her butt and do the work of getting that child emotional support (therapy) and some planned activities for socialization where she can make friends outside of putting it all on you.
Clubs, hobbies, an art class, a sports league… something.
And also, I do encourage you to, on your own, mindfully think about how you would feel if you were in Stacy’s shoes. She loves her mom, but her mom is not putting her child first, at a really pivotal time in a young girl’s life, and that’s got to hurt a lot.
If the positions were reversed, how would you want to be treated?” Myay-4111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wanting to retain your privacy and quiet space is reasonable, not mean. Your mother invited Stacy into the home, not you. Adults don’t typically welcome houseguests into their bedrooms, so why should you?
Stacy, you and your mom need to come up with ideas on how to make Stacy feel welcome without placing the full burden on you. Does Stacy have any quiet hobbies? Does she like to read, knit, do artwork, and build models? Together you can figure this out.
This is a long-term arrangement, so it’s best to try to get this out in the open and resolved now.
Again, being honest about your need for privacy and quiet time is not cruel. You can set boundaries and still be welcoming and friendly.” justmeat23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your room isn’t her room. It’s yours. Your privacy is important to you, and for a shy person, it’s important that you have the daily solitude that you need, and a sanctuary to retreat to when you need it.
Stacy is looking to be friends, but she’s going about it too intensely for you.
She needs to be told, by your mother, to back off and let you initiate the together time, to not invade your room, and to expect the same level of privacy for her own room. Your mom ought to be protecting your needs. Stacy has needs, too, and your mom wants to help her, but that might mean getting Stacy into some activities where she can be more social, in ways that do not interest you.
If your mother is trying to force a friendship between you and Stacy, she needs to be aware that forcing friendships between kids is a great way to make sure they will never get along again. You are more likely to feel safe making friends with Stacy if you first feel safe, and that means your needs and privacy need to be met.” blueberryyogurtcup
8. AITJ For Saying "No" To Babysitting My Sister's Child?
“I (16f) have two sisters (19f and 23f). 23f, who I’ll call A here is just shy of 3 months pregnant with her first baby and she’s already begun making her demands and rules for her baby.
Some of these rules are reasonable, like not going over if ill or maybe giving a heads up if you’re going over. But she has also started to demand that I, my sister, and my parents babysit for her whenever she needs it.
Now my parents and sister have no problem with this and said they’d be happy to babysit, but I’ve made it very clear even before A was pregnant that I don’t want to babysit.
I’m not comfortable around children, even my 5-year-old cousin is too much for me. I don’t have any idea what I’m doing with children, so why would she even want to leave her child with me at all?!
I told her I’d be okay with watching it if someone else was there, not by myself and I’d be fine around it in general. Somehow all of what I said got lost on her and she’s taken it as me saying I hate her unborn baby and want nothing to do with it and my parents and sister have told me I’m being weird and rude for ‘not wanting to spend time with my niece or nephew’.
It’s been a few weeks now and whenever the topic of babysitting or the baby, in general, I’d brought up, A always makes snide comments about how I ‘hate her baby’, which leads to my dad calling me weird, stupid, or cruel for not wanting to take care of it.
I told them that it was rude of them to assume I’d be okay with something I’ve openly never been okay with doing and I’m perfectly within my means to say I don’t want to, still, I’m starting to wonder if they’re right and I’m being cruel in saying I don’t want to be super involved in that way.
So, AITJ?
Edit: On top of having no babysitting experience, I have a job on the weekends and go to college during the week, so I wouldn’t be available anyways.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Unfortunately for you and your family, your sister has taken the ‘it takes a village’ mentality to mean that all family members are staff on call to look after my child when I don’t want to.
You’re not at all unreasonable here, your wishes for you (not wanting to spend time with a toddler) are greater than their wishes for you (I want you to bond with my young child).
Just because you don’t bond with her child early doesn’t mean you can’t later.
The majority of meaningful bonds in a person’s life are formed after the age of 5, your sister needs to get some perspective.” Significant_Win6431
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s good you’re making your position clear before the baby comes, though this is not going to stop your sister and family from telling you that you must babysit.
Once you do it once, you’re sunk, so stick to your guns. Your family is wrong – not wanting to babysit does not mean you hate the baby, that you’re weird, etc. What’s weird, stupid, and cruel is to take not wanting to babysit and turn it into you hating her baby, or for your father to insult you.
You made a decision and informed them of your decision. You’re acting mature, and they’re acting like a bunch of entitled children. You haven’t done anything wrong. Not wanting to babysit is not wrong. Hang in there and good luck.” ClothesQueasy2828
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your family needs to stop and think about what they are saying, why would you leave a baby with someone who has no experience with children?
That is irresponsible, to make you feel guilty because you don’t feel comfortable tending to a baby is a disaster waiting to happen. If something were to happen to that baby (Heaven forbid), they would be the first ones to call you irresponsible or neglectful.
Ask them if would they be okay with you if something would happen to the baby because you have no idea what you are doing. Ask them if they really care about the baby’s well-being or if is it more about making you feel bad that you don’t think you’re up for the task.
You have no children so therefore you should be able to determine whether or not you want to take care of someone else’s responsibility.” Public-Muffin2832
7. AITJ For Arguing With My Parents Over Their Wedding Demands?
“I’m (25 M) getting married in January to my partner of 3+ years.
During the entire planning process, my mother has been very critical of all the decisions my future spouse and I have made. Critiquing decisions like rehearsal dinner venue, reception venue, not getting married at a church, inclusion of siblings in the wedding party, and mostly, guest list.
My family is not contributing to the costs of the wedding, with the exception of the rehearsal dinner. They have insisted on requesting 10-20 individuals be invited that are their ‘friends,’ yet these are mostly folks I do not have relationships with/have some relationship with.
My fiancé and I decided on the figure of no more than 110 people for the wedding, which was the suggested seating amount for the venue. Inviting their friends would take away the ability to invite people important to my fiancé and me, and make it a more social event for their friends.
I have been against that entirely but agreed to invite 8 of their suggested friends.
This was not enough, I was supposed to invite an entire family of 6 instead of just the mother/father. My mother said she will ‘have no friends’ if I don’t do it the way she wants, and I that I have no care for her.
I was told that I am ‘going to embarrass her’ if I don’t fix the invite from 2 to 6 for the specific family I invited. They have even offered to pay for anyone they’ve asked to invite, but it’s not about the money!
My mom even took the step of calling the wedding venue to see if we could have more than 110… which we could, but are choosing not to.
I was called a ‘liar’ and even cussed at by my parents for the way I handled this entire situation. We are inviting 115 people but hope less than that obviously attend. AITJ for not allowing them to invite all these people and for telling them they’re ruining this special experience in my life?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Remind your mother she already had her wedding, she doesn’t get to have yours, too.
Let your mother know that any ‘friends’ who would no longer speak to her because they weren’t invited to someone else’s wedding are really not her friends and she should be glad to be rid of the frauds.
Put passwords on your vendor accounts and advise them that nobody may be given any information on your plans unless they have the password. Your mother is the type to try to change your plans behind your back, based on her current behavior.
Remind your mother that her continued attack on your plans/wishes can be construed as her desire to be removed from the wedding entirely.
Continued bad behavior can also result in her being removed from your life, going forward. No access to you, your spouse, or any future children, and certainly no inclusion in future life events.
Her participation is at YOUR will, not hers.” tstocktonta
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… not for saying no but for bending at all in this matter. You and your fiance need to back each other up and support each other, or your parents are going to run your lives. Take back the 8 people and that’s that. If they refuse to pay for the rehearsal dinner?
Well, you have two fewer people to feed. Depending on who is at the wedding party, you may be able to do something low-key but way more fun for everyone, like a night of pizza and beer and camaraderie and reminiscing instead of a restaurant.
But, you and your future spouse need to make some very clear, solid lines and reinforce each other. You can’t give your parents an inch, and they’ve just proven that to you.
YTJ if you continue to bend at all. If you do, expect to consider this practice for the next wedding.
Back each other up and if you can’t tell your parents a flat-out no, SHE needs to. Marriage is a partnership and this is your first big test.” maroongrad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But your mom is being one!
Kindly remind her that it’s not her wedding, it’s YOURS.
You and your fiancée are in charge of the guest list, the venue, and everything. Suggest to your mom that she should plan a vow renewal celebration for herself and your dad or a party of her own after your wedding. Now is not the time to start dictating what you do at YOUR wedding, especially since she’s not financing it.
Even if she was financing your wedding, it’s still up to you and your fiancée to make all final decisions.
If she refuses to back down, simply don’t take her calls. If she persists in being demanding, refuse to engage. If you don’t set boundaries now, it’ll only get worse, especially if you start growing your family.” LoveBeach8
6. AITJ For Scheduling Activities That Could Have Been Free?
“I’m the organizer of a social meetup group.
We have lots of activities to do on a regular basis, that we all enjoy. Usually, it’s eating out, but also fun things like movies, bowling, farmer’s market, potlucks at various members’ houses if they are able to host, and grilling in the park.
I have one member who asked me if I could please schedule activities for the group that is ‘free’ because she is poor and can’t afford activities that cost money.
Fine, we can come up with some free or at least very low-cost activities to do, but I also have to consider the rest of the group and what they want.
I didn’t mind the first several times she reminded me to ‘remember to schedule FREE activities for those of us on a budget!’ but then I started to get mad.
Especially after I organized three activities that were free – the visit to the farmer’s market, the visit to the nature center, and a bike ride around the college campus – specifically so she could participate, and she didn’t show up.
She said that the farmer’s market was ‘not free.’ It sure can be, if you don’t buy anything.
I didn’t buy anything. I walked around and looked at the stuff!
And the bike ride was because we also planned to go out for pizza afterward. She could have come bike riding with us, and then skipped out on the pizza if she didn’t want to spend money.
Nobody else would have shown up if we were just going to ride bikes and not go somewhere to refresh afterward. Did she expect us to sit around in the heat and look at each other?
She wanted me to schedule potlucks, which are fine if people are willing to host – but potlucks are not free.
She was getting on my nerves with her constant reminders to remember to schedule free things because she’s poor and can’t participate unless it’s free.
So one day while she was telling me for the 50 millionth time, I told her that this activity we were doing cost ME about $100.
It was a picnic in the park we were having. I bought the ice chest and portable grill so we could have this fun activity, which WAS fun. But it was not free!
So apparently her feelings were hurt because I told her what this activity cost me to set up – and I didn’t mind buying the portable grill and ice chest. I chose to do that.
She thought it was inappropriate for me to tell her what I spent on supplies so that she could enjoy her ‘free’ (but not for me) activity.
So AITJ, first for scheduling activities that could have been free for her but she didn’t show up because it wasn’t completely free, and for telling her what this so-called ‘free’ activity had actually cost me to set up?”
Edit: We live in a hot climate. So just having a bike ride with no plans to go somewhere to refresh in the air conditioning afterward and at the very least have cold drinks, which in this case happened to be at a pizza place, was NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
Apparently, lots of people like to do a strenuous activity out in the heat and that’s all. Literally, none of us, except her, would have shown up to an event like that. ‘You can’t just’ NO, and I wasn’t going to.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are in charge of a group and trying to accommodate everyone, and honestly, those events all sound great. You’re absolutely right, you can go to a pizza place with a group and choose not to eat there. And walking through farmers’ markets and street fairs are fun and supportive even if you can’t support the local vendors at the time.
I’m not sure what she wants from you. Also, here’s an idea, why doesn’t SHE suggest the type of events she’s interested in and offer to help with the planning if what you’ve come up with so far is unsatisfactory?
This person unfortunately seems a little clueless and when you clued her in (which, honestly, I would have given her a reality check too) she couldn’t handle it. But that doesn’t make you the jerk. NTJ! Juggling a group of people’s wants, needs, budgets, and personalities is a challenge and I’m here to say you’re doing a great job.” fallingfaster345
Another User Comments:
“She is right that exploring a market is not a free activity just because there is no admission fee, the purpose of a farmer’s market is to shop after all (window shopping might be free as an activity but it is still centered around shopping).
I can see why she would think a potluck is more accessible because she could be using supplies she already has on hand. Having one guaranteed free activity a month could help but it should be free of fees or any other hidden costs. (any crafters could get together and work on current projects, hiking in a free admission park,)
This group that you run doesn’t fit her needs and that’s okay, where I live we have what is called Buy Nothing soc med groups, the purpose being building community bonds without $$. just because this isn’t a good fit doesn’t mean they’re aren’t other groups out there closer to what she is looking for.
As an organizer, you might have some knowledge to point her in the right direction but otherwise, no jerks here.” Cyndaquil155
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If you are going to run groups you have to realize that you can’t accommodate everyone. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to try to be all things to all people.
Some people just won’t be suited for your group and that’s ok. You also have to be willing to ask people to leave the group or ban people from it. I don’t think what she has done warrants banning her from the group up to now – but you do need to put her in her place.
You are not Walmart – you are running a meetup group. She is always nagging you and then not showing up when you do something she wants. She seems to be always unhappy and the more you try to do for her the more unhappy she gets.
If you continue to let her whims get to you she’ll end up making you discouraged and you’ll quit.
Focus on what activities will be best for the group as a whole. If you don’t want to schedule a potluck then don’t.
She can join another group that does or start her own meetup group. Or let her organize a potluck in your group – but have her do all the work. If she keeps asking for free events remind her she didn’t even show up for the free things that you did schedule.
Tell her you will be happy to consider them once in a while but that the majority of the group wants XYZ and if she wants to participate in those fine – but you can’t run a whole group just to accommodate her. End of story.
You can’t and you won’t run a whole group to accommodate someone who does not even show up to things she suggested you do. If she does not like that she can start her own group.” Ecofre-33919
5. AITJ For Asking My Partner's Brother And His Partner When Will They Move Out?
“So my partner (23) and I (23) live together with her brother (19) and his partner (18). We live in a 2 bedroom 1 bath house. I lived alone before my partner and her brother moved in with me in march of this year. She basically raised him for most of his teenage years, and more or fewer acts like his mom.
I only agreed to live with him until he saved up some money to move out and could support himself.
He isn’t a bad guy, but he is spoiled and sucks to live with. He doesn’t clean up after himself and will leave his food on the stove for days.
Won’t take out the trash until it overflows by two or three bags. He will eat a ton of the groceries and I’m constantly going to the kitchen to find something to eat maybe only a few days after grocery day, and it has usually been eaten.
He gets aggressive when you bring up anything with him and refuses to take any personal responsibility for his shortcomings. I don’t clean up after him because he isn’t a kid anymore and I’m not gonna be a butler for an aggressive manchild. For reference, he has about 150 lbs on me and is much stronger.
I’m about 190-200 lbs and 6 ft tall. He is a few inches taller and pretty large. Credit where credit is due ever since he has gotten a job he has never missed rent and usually pays his share early.
My partner constantly backs him up on everything and will never take my side if it involves him.
She basically raised him so I understand the motherly instincts. It just feels like I am held hostage in my own house ever since he’s lived with me. I can’t do anything to stand up for myself because I really do love my partner and don’t want to break her heart.
In September of this year, we drove about 11 hours round trip to pick his out-of-state partner up to live with us on the condition that he promised they move out in January. She is a Saint and has done nothing wrong. She cleans up after him, and helps with bills, and everything but has horrible anxiety and barely leaves her room without him.
So yesterday I walked through the house and they were on the couch and I asked: ‘Hey have you guys applied for an apartment or anything?’ He said no, and as I was walking away I said ‘Don’t forget, January.’ At the time I did not think a second thought about this.
I bring it up once every month to two months just on the off chance he will put in for a place. I learned today that I made them super uncomfortable and his partner went to their room and cried afterward. He got angry and went to work today and talked to a friend and apparently they are moving in with him within the next few days.
My partner is very upset and told me that just because I don’t like my family or the holidays I don’t get to ruin her family. I apologized to his partner earlier today and haven’t had a chance to see him yet to apologize. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen so suddenly or hurt any feelings.
I guess I got what I wanted, but I feel like an utter piece of garbage.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your partner is guilt-tripping you. Why do you feel guilty? He’s an awful housemate, he’s ungrateful and dirty and, from the sounds of it, was happy to simply remain there despite your presence-arranged plan if you didn’t give a reminder.
If anything you need to talk to your partner – you might love her loads, but why does that make it acceptable for her to disrespect you the way she has? Would she have accepted one of your family members and their plus one trashing your house?
I think not.” HayWhatsCooking
Another User Comments:
“A little bit of an ‘everyone sucks here’, but not a major one.
Do you know what rent is like in your area? Is it financially feasible for these two teens to be moving out on their own?
It sounds to me like your real problem is his aggression. You shouldn’t have to live with someone who makes you feel unsafe asking for basic cleanliness in your own home.
Have you talked to your partner about his anger and potential violence? It might be easier for her to make him pick up after himself than you.
The very minor jerkery on your part is bringing it up every few months. You are telling them very clearly you want them out of your house, and, to be honest, that’s rude, especially when the bro’s partner seems to be working very hard to be a good roommate/tenant.
They probably don’t have anywhere else they can go, and the looming deadline is a huge stressor that you keep bringing up.
The bro’s a jerk because he’s being a bad roommate and more importantly: making you feel unsafe.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, wanting them to move out as it is your space and you’re doing them a favor… but you are the jerk for nagging them two months out and constantly commenting or pestering them about it.
I’m sure the pressure of knowing the date is approaching is enough anxiety and pressure, they don’t need you to keep reminding them they aren’t wanted and that you want them out every week leading to January as maybe they are making plans and don’t need your negative remarks… I would say this situation is ‘everyone sucks here’ at most.
You need to stop nagging, your partner needs to stop enabling her brother, her brother needs to stop thinking he has rights to your place, and your brother’s partner needs to seek therapy for her anxiety. Hope it all turns out well.” meetstherequirement
4. AITJ For Confiscating My Stepson's PS5?
“My stepson refuses to do his homework.
He’s 16 and knows better. He told me, honestly that he hates homework and would rather play video games all day. His father and I agreed that his electronics should be taken away to teach him that he can’t have privileges until he handles responsibilities. We made this decision over the phone.
He was at work, I was in the hospital with my mom, she has dementia and had 1 stroke at the time. I’m incredibly stressed out and worried about my mom, my job, and my unborn son since I’m 9 months pregnant.
My stepdad was with my mom so I felt safe going to work for a few hours.
I was there for 2.5 hours when I got the call they tried to give her an MRI. She can’t have MRI because she has metal in her back. The MRI would have ripped it right out of her back, it would’ve killed her. I leave work, rush home to get an overnight bag, stay the night with her, and make medical decisions.
While home, I took the PS5 from the living room, took my stepson’s personal laptop (he has 1 for play & 1 specifically from the school to do school work only) & took his fire stick so he didn’t have anything to watch on TV. I head back to the hospital to be with my mom.
20 minutes into being back with her she has her second stroke.
At the very same time, my partner texts me complaining that I unplugged the PlayStation and he had to recover all of his saved games, and it was a long stressful process. He sent me pictures of the whole process, mad.
He said he understood why I unplugged it, but not to do it again because he was scared he couldn’t recover his saved games. I’m stressed to the max trying to keep my composure for my mom, and for my child to make sure I don’t put myself into early labor, and he’s throwing a fit over a PlayStation.
I told him that was completely uncalled for, he could have waited to say that to me later, especially without the guilt of pictures. My mom was currently having a stroke and I wish my biggest worry was a PlayStation, that he should be more considerate of what’s happening around him before he makes a big deal over something that wasn’t.
I told him to leave me alone while I deal with real issues and to never come to me about how to parent his child ever again. If his son wants to be lazy and fail out of high school for video games while he (his father) does nothing realistic about it, so be it.
Not my child, not my problem. AITJ for this?
Edit: This is why she can’t MRI. The metal in her back is an electric stimulator box that allows her to feel her legs since she has nerve damage in her legs. She sets off metal detectors every time she goes through them so they have to wand her down and make sure that she’s not carrying a firearm or contraband.
She also carries a card saying that she has that box in her back when she does get stopped. So her doctor has banned her from all MRIs I told the hospital countless times that night that she can’t have MRIs and they still almost put her in one anyway.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have far more concerning things to deal with. He wants to have his tantrum and try to manipulate you into following through with the plan, then I can see why his son is the way that he is. Are you two married or is he just a partner?
Because this would tip the seesaw into him out or going to move back in with the parents. You were at the hospital dealing with severe matters and you’re about ready to give birth, and he’s sitting there. Trying to make you feel bad about having to reboot his system.
He didn’t lose anything. I’ve had a PS5, the information is still saved. Seriously reconsider this relationship. You don’t need this crap in all honesty.” Simple_Permit3385
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he seems to imagine you have infinite capacity and honestly that’s very worrying.
I hope you can focus on your mother and yourself and your baby for now. When you have time I would look back on this and ask yourself if this is a man you’d want to keep in your life long term. This is likely one of the hardest times in your whole life and he should be doing all he can to support you through it, not making you feel bad because he was slightly inconvenienced by you trying your best to parent his child.” WelshTaylor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but in all honesty, OP shouldn’t be concerned with stepson’s homework, schooling, video games, etc with all of the stress she has going on. Dad can handle that on his own. It makes absolutely no sense to punish stepson on her way out of the door to the hospital. That’s small potatoes to be worried about being nine months pregnant, dealing with a health crisis with mom, and balancing her employment.
If there was an agreement about discipline, the father could have dealt with it when he got home. In my opinion, there was no need to be superwoman/mom if dad could’ve disciplined stepson when he gets home from work.
Dad didn’t have to be a jerk about his games being lost but that also means the PS5 is being used by both dad and stepson.” a_lost_gay
3. AITJ For Trying To Take My Partner's Sandwich?
“Me (m27) and my partner (f27) share a joint bank account and share our finances entirely. I don’t even have my own account. Last night we went to a burger place we’ve wanted to try for a while now.
The food was great, but they forgot the cheese on her sandwich. It’s no big deal, but she goes up to the register to ask them to add the cheese. They say we can keep it and they’ll give us a new one.
She comes back to the table with her original (now free) sandwich and I reach for the knife and begin to start cutting it in half. She looks at me and goes ‘what are you doing?’ And explains that it’s hers and that she’s going to save it for later.
Then I ask why she gets the free sandwich when we both paid for it. We went back and forth for a couple of minutes and I said it was fine, but I was pretty salty about it the rest of the night. AITJ?
Edit: I should clarify that we paid out of a joint bank account.
She did not lie with her own money and then I tried to take half of her sandwich. We agree that everything that we buy out of that account is 50/50.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It was her food that she ordered. Just because they were making her another one does not mean you are entitled to the first one.
You assumed which makes you a jerk. The proper thing to do would have asked of you could have done of the one without cheese and if she said no, accept it. Just because the money comes out of a joint account doesn’t mean you are entitled to things she orders in a restaurant.” holisarcasm
Another User Comments:
“Not only are you the jerk, but you’re also petty. Having a joint account is a good idea, but also having your own accounts is essential to prevent squabbles just like this. Save the joint account for the stuff you both need, like rent, groceries, gas and car repairs, household items and repairs, etc. If you each contribute a set amount each month to the joint account, you’ll have enough for those joint needs; the rest of your money goes into your personal account, and the same for her money and personal account.
Whatever you each buy with your own money is your biz. Going to a burger joint should fall under personal account purchases, not a joint account. On the other hand, paying for the food in the house is a joint expenditure because you both eat it (at a restaurant of any description, you eat your food and she eats hers unless one or both of you decide to give the other a bite or something).” sharirogers
Another User Comments:
“Okay, mild YTJ for the general scenario, mostly for being salty after all was said and done. Small beans though.
What I really want you to do here, is get your own bank account. You can have mixed finances, and everything, and that’s fine.
But you each need an individual account somewhere. It doesn’t need to be hidden, but it needs to be separate. It’s a safety net for each of you. If something happens, if the relationship goes south, if there’s a traumatic brain injury that changes your partner’s personality dramatically for the worse, if the main account gets frozen for some reason, whatever.
It’s not smart, or safe to have no personal account. And this is something you should each be pushing each other to have because if you care about one another, you want to look after the other person’s best interest regardless of what might come up in the future.” Taurwen_Nar-ser
2. AITJ For Making A "Petty" Post?
“My (29f) nephew (21m) fathered a baby, L (1m) last year. Everyone in the family knew this would end up being a disaster but all were supportive and some were even excited. L was born and lived with both of his parents until about May of this year when L’s mom was very depressed and ended up going inpatient for a week, and both she and my nephew signed over custody to my sister (42f).
Since then my sister and her husband have been taking care of L full-time, emotionally, physically, and financially. My nephew and L’s birth mother continue to be in a volatile on again off again relationship, being financially supported by my sister and her husband.
They moved to another state in July on a whim, don’t send any money for L or even ask to video chat with him.
My sister asked my husband and me to be L’s godparents and we accepted. We don’t have kids of our own and have sent packages and money to help support L.
October was L’s 1st birthday. I got a plane ticket to go to celebrate (as we live in a different state). My sister offered my nephew a plane ticket to come to his son’s birthday. At first, he said yes, that he wanted a ticket and wanted to return home.
Two weeks before the birthday he changed his mind, so neither of his birth parents went to the birthday. To note this was not a conflict with work or money: the birth mother had weekends off, had low bills, and makes decent money. My nephew was not working and was offered a plane ticket.
They decided not to come.
Both of them are serial social media posters, trying to portray a life that is vastly different than reality. On the birthday celebration day, they both made their respective posts on social media about his birthday, and how smart, sweet, and perfect he was.
I also posted some pictures from the party and posted ‘Celebrating little man’s first birthday with those who love him most.’ My nephew liked the post, then deleted me off social media and started texting his mom angrily all night about my post because it implied that HE didn’t love his son since he wasn’t there.
My niece made a similarly worded post and he did the same to her. My sister got angry with us saying that we made the posts purposefully looking to get a ride out of him. I informed her that my post didn’t Specifically exclude those that weren’t there as not loving him, and that I wasn’t responsible for how he interpreted + felt about anything I posted. If he took offense to that, that is due to his trashy decisions that have led to this point.
My mom and grandma also think I should apologize but I don’t see why?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your nephew and his partner realized that they would be trashy parents so they gave up custody of their own child. That is probably the most responsible thing they have done in their life.
I’m sure it wasn’t an easy choice. Or if it was easy then that’s proof that it was the best choice. It sounds like this decision put the kid in the best situation possible. I’m not sure why you hate your nephew.
Or why do you think you know his living circumstances well enough to judge the practicalities of traveling to another state? The facts are that the kid is doing well and the birth parents aren’t trying to interfere. You admit your post was petty.
You purposely worded it to give you plausible deniability. Well, congratulations Perry Mason, mission accomplished. You found a loophole and exploited it. It only costs you the respect of your family. Now they all think you should apologize for being a jerk. Good luck with getting invited to next year’s birthday party.” DanInBham1
Another User Comments:
“I suspect ‘everyone sucks here’. He’s obviously failed as a parent, so yeah, jerk. But that wording is very, very inflammatory. He’s messed up, most def, but it’s never going to strengthen anybody’s position to hypothesize about who loves or does not love someone ‘the most’.
People are wonderful, trashy, and complicated. And while we have to go off of people’s behavior, feelings and behavior aren’t always in sync.
It’s possible you didn’t see the post that way at the moment and weren’t even thinking about it, but I suspect not.
I feel like what needs to happen here is that everybody needs to evaluate who they want in their lives, online or in person, and go from there. If you guys are resentful towards your nephew then I don’t see how it’s helpful for you, or the nephew or L to have that negativity floating around.
I mean just think, L is growing up in a time when all their lives are documented online from start to finish, and what if they one day dig back and look at that post that heavily implies that you guys don’t think his parents loved him enough?
Maybe before he’s really old enough to work through the complicated feelings that come with having parents who drop the ball this badly (speaking from personal experience). It helped me to not have these sorts of comments and accusations thrown around, to be able to work through a lot of the grey areas when I was old enough to start viewing adults as Actual People and to question why my childhood went how it did.
Might be best to go low contact, and hopefully, one day nephew will get himself together and want to make things right. Or bite the bullet and have a brutally honest convo with him now, if it hasn’t already happened.” Ipswitch_the_Lock
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. They signed away all rights they had of L to your sister, they have 0 obligations to make show up to the birthday party. Sometimes signing away your rights is showing more love than you think. Love is shown in more ways than being able to show up on a 1st birthday.
Sometimes it’s shown, by not being shown at all.
It would also probably be quite painful for them to be at the party when they know they aren’t legally L’s parents. You should have a sit down with them and discuss what their plans are.
Maybe they aren’t able to be L’s parents but don’t know how to express that. I know I would struggle with that. Maybe they need support to be able to get to a point they can be good, supportive parents. If they are in a volatile relationship, that isn’t healthy for a baby.
Be there to support them and to ensure L grows up in a healthy dynamic.” Kaytay25
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You knew what your wording would do and now you are trying to make yourself look innocent because it blew up exactly as should have been expected.
Your nephew’s biofather is only fooling himself. He gave up his child – which actually is probably a good act since they don’t sound ready to parent – and on short notice canceled on seeing him – which is a jerk behavior especially if it continues into an age where your nephew actually knows what is going on.
You both need to grow up and realize there’s a small child here who doesn’t need the drama in his life.” rjmythos
1. AITJ For Not Letting My Mother-In-Law Kiss My Baby?
“My (27f) MIL (61f) is always the victim.
My husband is the baby & he lived with his mom until he was 27, he helped pay her bills since she kept falling behind. We met when he was 27 & shortly after being together, we moved states for a job opportunity. After moving we found out that since my husband wasn’t there to pay her bills, she was going to lose her house so my husband paid ~$3K to bring her current.
She blames me for taking her baby away from her. He bought her a car & phone. He pays for her car insurance & her phone bill (+ a watch line she just HAD to have but doesn’t use) & for a few months after we moved out he paid her an allowance.
He feels bad that her husband/his dad passed away 20+ years ago & she had to take care of him & his siblings alone
My husband is Southern & they are BIG into respecting your elders which I completely agree with to a point. She constantly spouts these crazy conspiracies that I try to discuss with her & it always ends up with a fight between me & my husband because when I argue with her it’s not ‘respectful’ which brings me to my story.
We came down to visit with our 7-month-old baby for the holidays. When we arrived we told everyone not to kiss the baby because we were concerned about RSV. She ignored us & when she thought we weren’t paying attention she kissed him on the back of the neck.
I almost said something but my husband said it didn’t look like she kissed him. The next day she asked if she could hold our son after she got back from running errands & I said as long as she didn’t kiss him she can hold him.
She told me that it was okay for her to kiss him & she ‘did it last night.’
I was livid & when my husband got back in the room, I told him he needed to have the discussion about no kisses with his mom because she was ignoring me & I was about to get disrespectful to her.
He told me that he already told her & he will stand behind me and reiterate what I tell her.
Today she asked my husband if she could hold him & I told her she could hold him as long as she doesn’t kiss him.
She didn’t look at me while I said that and ignored me. I told her that I needed her to look me in the eyes & confirm that she heard what I said. She looked at me & said that she hadn’t kissed him since we asked her not to kiss him & I reminded her of our conversation earlier where she admitted to it.
She then told me that she ‘only kissed the back of his neck’ & I told her that where she kissed him didn’t matter. She kissed him after we explicitly told her not to kiss him & the rule to hold him is not to kiss him.
She stormed off & my husband confronted me & told me I treated her like a child by telling her to look at me & confirm that she heard me. I tried to explain that his mom & her victim complex will later tell us that ‘she never heard us tell her not to kiss him’ if I didn’t get verbal confirmation she heard me.
He agreed that she’d do that, but I was disrespectful.
So AITJ for talking to her the way I did?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but be careful. Husband is paying for her upkeep. This child will get expensive, and there may be a time when the money needs to go to your kid’s college and your retirement and security.
A reduction in support of money may mean she won’t manage her finances, especially if she believes she can screw it up and her baby will bail her out as usual. But where will mommy live if she loses her house? With YOU!
The family needs to set down and make a plan for a reduction and eventual stop of all payments.
Mommy needs to know the bank will be closed. Help her sell the house if she nearly loses it again. Get her an apartment close to places she won’t need a car.” orven84
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your MIL has some weird dependencies for a grown woman.
You have a weird obsession with controlling your MIL’s affection toward her grandchild.
If someone is sick and holding the baby, they are still breathing on your baby! Your dumb no-kissing rule isn’t protecting the baby. It’s just hurting your MIL.” Dry-Spring5230
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I’d just start telling her no. You can’t respect one single rule so get out and leave that baby alone. He’s not her doll to play with.
You married into some serious drama and a childish MIL who has no respect for your new family.
I’d cut contact myself and maybe even move away. The husband coming with us his choice.
Personally, he needs to start focusing on funding his kid’s future. His mom is completely financially exploiting him.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you let this go on far too long but you are being a controlling weirdo about kisses.
Probably cause of resentment but still not a good look. There is no medical basis for your restriction but there may well be a medical basis for the negative impact the fighting and lack of affection will have on your child.” ImprovementKey243
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