People Defend Themselves From Being Called The Bad Guys In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Wanting My Nephews At An Important Event?
“I (divorced 45M) recently retired from the military and had a nice ceremony where my family and friends gave me a nice sendoff. However, I have two nephews (8 and 10 years old, belonging to my brother) that are, with no exaggeration, the absolute worst-behaved children I have ever met.
They came to my house twice in the last three years (I live several hours away) and both times I was quickly exhausted by them and their behavior. They refused to eat the meal I made but then I found them in the kitchen scarfing down the dessert with their bare hands.
They caused one of my children to start crying when they couldn’t handle them throwing their toys and books all over their previously clean room.
My brother and I were taught discipline and respect, but my brother just let his wild children wreak havoc all over my home.
So, when it came time for my retirement, I made it clear that I wanted it to be for adults and older teens (my kids are older teens) since these ceremonies are important to the family and military members and I didn’t want it ruined. My SIL, who excuses her children’s behavior, asked if her sons could come so they could see their cousins and I said no. I was then accused of being divisive and cruel and not letting her kids be part of it.
So, was AITJ for not letting my two poorly behaved nephews come and possibly ruin my sendoff?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If they couldn’t behave at a small, informal family gathering, then the chances of them behaving at a large event where they have to sit still and be quiet for more than 5 minutes are very slim.
Especially at a military function where there are people who aren’t used to rambunctious children and who could potentially be important in the military world. I wouldn’t want my children there because they’d be bored to tears.
Tell your SIL that it’s not a fun event where they play games and people are running around and playing loud music and ask if she genuinely believes that her kids won’t get upset if someone tells them to pipe down and sit still because they’re aggravating them.” Kooky-Hotel-5632
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you should tell your SIL that if anyone is being cruel and divisive, it’s her, for the awful way she’s raised her children.
They’re going to be in a world of hurt when that apron string gets cut and your brother and SIL will learn the hard way why discipline and strong boundaries are quite necessary to raise young children to be self-sufficient adults.
They’re failing their children and shucking the duties and responsibilities that entail raising a child into an adult. Our duty, as parents, is to raise and teach our children how to survive without us, when we’re no longer here.
Sorry, I just witnessed a situation like this and I get quite perturbed when things like this happen.” honeydefender
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are being too polite.
Just tell them their children are out of control lawless brats that would embarrass you and the rest of the family at the ceremony and said out-of-control behavior would spoil the celebrations afterward.
Tell bro and SIL you know they are going to off on one about the facts you’ve just spoken aloud, which is another reason they can’t come-they refuse to teach their children how to behave properly in company.
Tell them it’s their choice how they bring their kids up, but it’s everyone else’s choice whether or not they want to put up with the consequences of their parenting.
You don’t, and never will. Don’t want them marring your day.” Fit_General7058
17. AITJ For Saying That My Brother Is Privileged?
“My (45m) older brother (51m) lives with me. He’s never really been ‘good at life.’ He’s had a few jobs here and there, but mostly just stuff like Walmart, and McDonald’s, and he delivered pizzas for about a month. He’s never held down a job for more than 60 days.
He dropped out of High School, and never bothered to get a GED, let alone any college/trade school. He mostly just sits in his room drinking my booze, smoking, and eating my food while he plays whatever JRPG he’s currently obsessed with.
I don’t mind this, I truly don’t.
I did well in life, and my wife invested our money very well. So we’re comfortable. I have more than enough resources to support him fully for the rest of our lives, and I intend to do so. He’s not taking food out of my kids’ mouths, he’s not cutting into their college funds.
It’s literally extra money that I would just be squirreling away if I didn’t spend it on him.
Last night at dinner, my wife told me that her brother lost his job (he worked for a company that recently had MASSIVE layoffs, so it was due to no fault of his own), and asked me if we could float him some funds for bills and stuff while he finds a new job.
I told her to have him send me an estimate of how much he needs to cover 6 months, and that was that (or so I thought).
My brother proceeded to head over to social media and post a rant about how people need to be more self-reliant and not ask for handouts they didn’t earn.
He didn’t mention my BiL by name, but it was pretty clear that that’s what triggered his rant.
I commented on his post, and I asked him how living off of me for the past 9 years was ‘self-reliant’. I told him that he is in an incredibly privileged position because not everyone has a millionaire brother to pay all their bills for them.
I also asked how the allowance I give him every week is not a ‘handout’.
Anyway, a bunch of his friends from his video game started clowning on him in the comments (apparently he tells people online that he’s an investment banker). He deleted the post and has not come out of his room since (there is an en-suite bathroom, don’t worry).
My wife says it was messed up for me to call him out publicly like that, and that I could have been more respectful about it, and my aunt is FURIOUS with me for ‘airing the family laundry’.
So I kinda think I might be the jerk here.
Not for what I said, but for the fact that I said it publicly.
But at the same time, I don’t feel like the jerk, because his rant was public too.”
Another User Comments:
“He’s not privileged. He’s lucky. Lucky to have your help and support that wasn’t earned. Not just lucky, but spoiled.
Don’t get me wrong, I have to hand it to you and your partner for doing very well for yourselves so that you can house him with no issue. You are both extraordinarily generous to have done this.
But this dude’s past 50. He’s seriously gotta do something.
He can’t rely on you forever to give him a way to live like myself who’s still working on it in my 20s. (Yeah I know, the irony.)
Does he need some sort of medical help? Is it the way his mind operates that’s causing him this non-action problem?
He may need some kind of cognitive therapy or medication so he can focus on whatever he should be doing, be it schooling or working.
Anyway, you’re NTJ. He lied to his friends about what he does for some reason, then he tried to rant because someone else reminds him of himself, and you called him out, which isn’t a bad thing.
His lie and his rant bit him in the arse. He should be taking this moment to look at himself.
‘and my aunt is FURIOUS with me for ‘airing the family laundry’.’
By the way, has she been helping him at all? If not, she can’t say anything.
” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But tell him you are going to cut off the allowance. Still gets food, beer, room whatever else you provide now. But nothing extra. He wants a game, he pays for it. To uber food, he pays for it.
Make him responsible for something in his life.
And something that doesn’t hurt him. When he can’t get a job, offer to help with GED.
This is not a good example for your children. They need to see that they have consequences for their actions.
You say you don’t work because of passive income.
But even that takes some effort and investment to set up. And to maintain.
Don’t let him teach your kids that Daddy will solve everything if they don’t even try.” Minimum_Ad_4120
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for pointing out your brother is a mooch but has it ever occurred to you that you have been enabling him all these years?
You have literally created the lazy lump you have for a brother and you will be stuck with him for life. What happens if you’re no longer around and your wife and kids decide your brother has to go?
Trust me, you are not helping your brother and giving him a pass on working at Walmart for $8/hr.
WHAT?! Your brother has no skills, no ambition, and, thanks to you, no motivation to get off his butt and do something. Right now, that $8/hr is more than your brother is worth.
If you really want to help your brother, tell him to get a job and start contributing to his own expenses or you will kick him out.
And make sure you follow through. The only way you will really help your brother is by making him do something with his life. For creating this disaster, YTJ.” User
16. AITJ For Telling My Uncle And His Wife To Replace My Laptop?
“I (f20) am a university student. I live at home with my parents and I pay them rent.
Recently, my mother held a family gathering at our house. I wasn’t able to go as I had to go to work.
When I got home, I noticed my laptop wasn’t where I had left it, and it was acting up and was nearly unusable.
I asked my dad about it and he said that my mother let my little cousin ‘Keith’ (m13) use the laptop to keep him entertained and that he sat in my room for a while with it.
After further investigation, I realized that Keith had been going on adult websites on my laptop and downloading files off them.
I put two and two together and realized he probably gave my laptop a bug.
I took it to a computer repair shop and they gave it back to me working the next day. It was kind of embarrassing, but the tech guy at the shop confirmed that the bug was from the adult websites.
The laptop started acting up again and I took it to a different repair place and explained the situation, and the manager told me it wasn’t realistically fixable and told me just to replace the whole laptop.
I was really mad as the laptop is extremely expensive (around 1.5 grand) and it was a gift from my paternal grandmother who got it for me around 6 months ago.
I told Keith’s parents (my uncle and his wife) what happened and asked that they cover the expenses of a replacement laptop. They thought the whole situation was really funny and told me that Keith is just being a boy and that I can just get a cheaper replacement.
I told them they were being ridiculous and that I shouldn’t have to foot the bill for their son wrecking my laptop. They said it was my mother’s fault because she let him use a laptop that didn’t have parental controls and that’s just what happens with teenagers and that I shouldn’t be so sour about it
I’m in university and I need a laptop, and I can’t afford to just go out and get a new one.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – however, this one is really on your mom. She had no right to let your cousin use the laptop, although your cousin, who at 13 should have some clue about bugs.
As your aunt and uncle are legally responsible for him, you should ask them and your mom to split the cost of a replacement. If they refuse, you can take them to small claims court for the cost of a replacement, your time, and all the repairs.
Perhaps you could request some support from your paternal grandmother in getting your mom on board with this.” HPSofSNARK
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but your mom is
This one’s tricky as even though you aren’t the jerk it’s not up to the parents to pay for their son’s mistake when your mom is the one who allowed him to use it.
In this case, it’s your mom’s responsibility to replace the laptop as she gave it to your cousin without permission. Your mom was supposed to watch this cousin and instead of doing so, she kept him busy with a laptop that wasn’t hers which resulted in this issue.
It’s now her mistake to fix.” Christinaaacaaats
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Putting aside the tech stuff of whether you need a new laptop or not, your cousin broke something and his parents need to pay to fix it.
Your mom sucks for lending out your stuff and your room without your permission.
That’s not cool and you need to have a direct conversation with her about it. I’d put a lock on the door so she can’t lend out your things or space when you’re not around to give permission.
Your aunt and uncle suck for trying to blame others for what their child did.
You are not responsible for child-proofing your stuff for others to use without permission.
Your cousin sucks for looking at adult content on your computer in your room. Yeah looking at adult content is normal for many adolescents but not usually on a computer that isn’t yours.
That’s just asking for attention and embarrassing stories at thanksgiving forever. If you haven’t already, wash your sheets and throw your trash.” allison2817
15. AITJ For Demanding To Refund My Tip?
“I went into a burrito bowl place to order takeout.
They had this new tip option on the card reader that they’d never had before. The card reader is not a touch screen nor are there tabs on the side to select options there are just numbers.
Before I paid the screen asked what amount I wanted to tip 20%, 25%, 30%, or other.
I tried to press the number 4 for ‘other’ but the button did not work. I told the worker that number 4 did not work and asked the worker what to press for ‘other’ and she told me 3. After I selected 3, it added a 30% tip to my card.
I told her I wanted to select other and not 30%. She told me she was not aware that I was not trying to tip and she thought she remembered the number order. I asked her to refund my tip and she said that was not possible since they can only refund actual orders if there is something wrong with the food.
I told her the card reader buttons were not working properly and it does not have an easy or obvious option to select no nor did the right options work.
She refused to refund me saying ‘it wasn’t that much anyway.’ I asked to speak to the manager telling the manager they need a more user-friendly option to select no on the card reader and the manager told me all card readers are like this (it’s not other places that have a no option and touch screen).
She told me my tip would really be appreciated and help her staff since the holidays are coming up and this could be my way to make someone’s day. I told her that because they are using a system like this they don’t care about their customers let alone their workers if they need to even rely on scamming people to get tips and I want a refund.
The manager asked me why I selected a 30% option if I wanted other and I told her the number for other did not work and when I asked her worker about it she told me the wrong answer. She told me I was gullible and blamed her worker for my own mistake and out of ‘good customer service’ she will refund my tip but told me this will not happen again.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’re being scammy. While I agree that tipping culture is, unfortunately, necessary for many workers, as a consumer, 30% is ridiculous and enough to turn me off a business for good. 20% is already a pretty big surcharge. As inflation causes restaurant prices to rise, a percentage tip would rise in accordance, so I don’t see an excuse for raising the percentage except to try to milk every customer for their worth.
What’s more ridiculous and unacceptable is that they made a big fuss and blamed you. Get your machine to work, or don’t get a tip via card (or at all). Simple as that.” Motor_Crow4482
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Make your own food, and serve yourself.
Tips are factored in according to wage law here in America. I’m sick and tired of dead beats whining like they don’t understand how it works. There is no such thing as ‘tip culture.’ There wouldn’t even be servers or delivery drivers without tips.
This isn’t Europe. Servers are not paid more a 2 bucks an hour here. If you can’t afford to tip or don’t want to tip, keep your broke self at home and go get your own food. Do not expect some broke server to wait for you for free like you’re special.” LowKeyRebelx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the automatic tips are getting out of hand. You weren’t wrong to hold your ground about it. It sounds like they may do that a lot. You should warn the head office of their practice but don’t go to social media about it.
Although I agree that in your instance they were in the wrong, they really don’t make much to work in those places. The larger problem is low minimum wage and an unaffordable society.” l3ex_G
14. AITJ For Moving Random Stuff Out Of My Apartment?
“My lease started on the 14th. When I went to check what my unit is like I walked into a giant mess of random stuff. I went to the property manager and asked what was going on and apparently, she allowed a random tenant to store her stuff in my unit until I moved in… She told me the 14th it would be moved out that night.
It wasn’t. She told me the 15th it would be moved that day. It wasn’t. I ended up going over after office hours to see if any progress was made and surprise surprise no difference. I told her I’ll be by tomorrow at 8 am so I can actually move in but I doubt anything will be done.
I also went to park today and someone was parked in my RESERVED spot. Not to mention there were professional cleaners in between the last tenant and me, and now this random tenant throwing her stuff everywhere kind of reverses the cleaning? I’m not sure what else to do other than remove this stuff if it’s not moved by tomorrow morning and put it in front of the office doors and demand a credit and professional cleaners to come back out and clean.
Or AITJ for doing that?
Edit: not moving in is not an option. Just trying to find solutions to this crap. I also forgot to add when I went to check on progress tonight my door was unlocked. Mind you I had already moved some stuff in and locked it before I left. I’m assuming the property manager unlocked it for whoever stored their stuff in my unit to move their stuff out.
What if my stuff got stolen?!
Edit: the stuff was removed this morning, carpet cleaners were in today, I will be credited 3 days of the prorated rent, and all is well in the world.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – But, if you can, take your things out until this gets resolved. Take pictures with a date stamp and send emails to the property manager so you can establish a document trail.
You’ll want all of this if you go to move out and they try to charge you a cleaning fee when they didn’t give you a clean place, to begin with. Also if you’re able get a rental lawyer to send them a notice that rent will not be paid until the unit is actually available and you are not responsible for the time you could not occupy the unit.” Sweetsmyle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being annoyed.
You need to consult an attorney, and/or talk to the local housing authority that oversees this.
If you’ve got a signed lease, then I would argue that whatever’s left in the apartment is now under your control.
The apartment is not clean and in move-in-ready condition. Since you’ve found the apartment unsecured, you have no idea what condition it’s in. Demand an inspection, then a cleaning.
Since your name is now on the lease, I’d also start demanding your landlord notify you before entering the apartment.
I’m not a lawyer, but in some cases, if the landlord can’t provide the agreed-upon property, it’s up to them to provide an alternate place for you to stay. (That might mean a hotel for a few days, but at least you’ll have a door that locks.)” Graflex01867
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If not moving in is really not an option, then I would just throw everything else out. that’s your apartment now, and the stuff is yours. although make sure you document and take pics of everything, but yeah, I’d just suck it up and manually throw out the other stuff and keep whatever you want.
Edit: consider having someone put in a deadbolt and perhaps a second lock with your own key so the landlord can’t get in when you’re not home without your permission.” itsrainingpuss
13. WIBTJ If I Change My Thanksgiving Plans?
“I (38 nb) have been planning to go to my sister’s house a 15-hour drive away for Thanksgiving so I can be with my Mom whose husband passed away last month from cancer. In all honesty, I had to invite myself to this Thanksgiving so I could spend time with Mom, I never would have been invited.
Last night one of my siblings begged me not to go for my own sake. When I pressed, they told me they were at a family gathering recently (I was absent as it was 20 hours away) and everyone there was talking trash about me and calling me a ‘crazy witch’.
Those who weren’t talking trash said nothing in my defense, including Mom. That stings because I do have bipolar disorder and PTSD and I’m pretty sensitive about being perceived as crazy. These are all people who claim to be woke and would never call a friend or colleague crazy but with me, it’s open season.
So now I’m considering canceling that trip and instead going on a road trip to an art exhibit I’ve been wanting to see all year and getting some quality time with my husband. Would that make me a total jerk? Especially since I cringe and invited myself in the first place?
ETA: I haven’t visited my family, nor them me in 8 years.
I just told them – Mom didn’t care one way or the other.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You invited yourself, you can rescind your own invitation. In fact, giving advance notice that you won’t be attending would be a polite thing to do.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend quality time with your husband, and regardless of what others think of your decision not to attend Thanksgiving you would be doing it for both a personal reason (their immaturity) and a legitimate reason (spending time with the husband).
You don’t technically have to mention the personal reason you wouldn’t be going since that would stir up drama; they showed their true colors already.” burin077
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for inviting yourself to thanksgiving dinner with people who have said to your face your presence is not wanted.
And for coming here for validation that how you’ve been treated is so unfair and you’re doing the right thing by not attending a dinner you weren’t invited to.
And probably for whatever made your family members talk trash about you – just because you left and recovered doesn’t mean other people aren’t still suffering.
So for all that; inviting yourself, demanding validation, and expecting some reaction when you don’t attend an event you were never invited to in the first place, and shrugging off why people don’t want you around as them being cruel to you and not a natural consequence of your own past actions, you are the jerk.
Go to the art show! Enjoy yourself, and stop trying to force a relationship with a family who doesn’t appreciate your progress. You’re only hurting yourself.” WhyCantWeDoBetter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They sound dreadful. Why drive 15 hours to be miserable with people who have nothing better to do with their time than engage in ugly gossip about relatives?
I hope that you and your husband will have a wonderful time going to that art exhibit and that you will adopt people who are kind and appreciate you as your surrogate family, and with whom you’ll have warm, embracing holiday dinners in the future.” Nester1953
12. AITJ For Wanting To Go To The Gym With My Gym Buddy?
“I (25, F) started attending my local gym around six months ago.
I really enjoyed it and it quickly became part of my daily routine Monday to Friday.
I always go straight after work from about 5:15 pm, getting home at about 6:30 pm, where I then shower, and have my evening meal.
My friend (24, F) expressed interest in wanting to start the gym too.
I explained that she is more than welcome to come with me (I drive, and she doesn’t, and the walk is over an hour away), however, we won’t get a chance to speak in the gym, as I’ll be concentrating on my workout.
I got ready for the gym, as usual, yesterday and texted my friend asking if she wanted to come.
She asked if I could ‘hang on for 20 minutes’ whilst she finished the episode of a TV program she was watching. I said no, that I have a routine and I’m sticking to it, and that she can either go when I go or not at all.
She thinks I am a jerk for this, and that we should ‘work around each other, ‘to make it fair for both of us’.
I have refused to do this and therefore she didn’t end up going to the gym that day.
Should I be more flexible?
AITJ for not hanging on for just 20 minutes?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t ask for a gym buddy. In fact, you didn’t really agree to be her gym buddy in the way she seems to want one; you just told her she was welcome to come along if and when you happened to be going.
If she doesn’t want to go when you’re ready, that’s on her – and if she’s looking for someone who wants to be a partner in accountability, she needs to look elsewhere.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t an instance where the two of you decided to start working out and go to the gym together every day.
This is an instance of someone interested in joining you in your established routine. Expecting you to wait for 1/3 of an hour until she feels like going is unreasonable. You are not her Uber, Lyft, chauffeur, or taxi service. You go directly from work, and if she doesn’t want to go then, she needs to find another way to get there.
Good for you for sticking to your established schedule.
The entitlement of some people is unbelievable.” SirMittensOfTheHill
11. AITJ For Giving My Partner A Hard Time Despite His Grief?
“My partner and I are both 23. We have lived together for just over a year & have been together for 3.
His mom relapsed with cancer 6 months into our relationship & after a few more months he essentially became homeless since he has no siblings nor a father & couldn’t continue to pay $1500 rent plus bills & food. He ended up staying with me at the old place that I shared with roommates for another 4 months or so until we had to get our own place together as I didn’t want to be that person who has their partner move in when there are roommates involved.
One month after we moved in together, his mom passed away. Like I said he doesn’t have siblings & the rest of his family aren’t good people, so he essentially lost the only person that ever really loved him. This was devastating as you can imagine & since we are young it made him spiral into a depression even more so.
Since dealing with this loss he had struggled to work & thus there are many bills that have fallen behind. I’ve been trying to pick up the slack but can only do so much as neither one of us make good money since I’m barely getting started in my career after college & he works retail & hadn’t finished college due to the global crisis.
Let me also say we both have a history of mental illness & my partner also has ADHD as well. I’ve been barely keeping us afloat for the past year since his mother passed. I’m stressed beyond belief from debt collector calls, medical bills from personal psychiatric appointments, etc. I told him it’s hard for me not to resent how his lack of work has made us this way to the point where we are in serious debt but he thinks I’m just being a jerk for not understanding his grief, tho I’ve been sympathetic for a whole year.
He has started to pick up more slack now that I’ve told him that I’m at my breaking point and we need this sorted out. He says we will get out of this in due time but I told him it still doesn’t make me feel less depressed that we are in this financial hole in the first place & that my credit score is tanked. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – You’ve done all you can and should be applauded. You are not the jerk for telling him after this long that you can’t keep supporting him and he needs to be there for you now.
He isn’t the jerk for having a difficult time with the passing of his mother.
Even after this long, grief can sting and make you feel like you can’t move on.
If he continues to pick up, then no jerks here. He will be the jerk if he does not take steps to deal with his mental health and contribute equally to the household.
Losing a parent is devastating, but life does go on and he may need this ultimatum to motivate him to make the change he needs.” Leafburn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m sorry but every day people that are sad and have lost someone get up and go to work because they have to.
Your partner needs to start working. And it may be time for him to go live with roommates and you need to go back and get some roommates too. The truth is neither of you can afford your own place.
You also need to quit financing everything.
Let the cupboards go empty turn off the cable and don’t pay for his cell phone if you are. Until he feels the pinch, sees the pinch, and the pinch slaps him in the face, he doesn’t have to deal with any of it.
Do not pay any of his bills.” sansansa56
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Grief can and often does cause depression, but so does prolonged financial stress and seeing your credit score crash, as you have experienced. It was good of you to carry him, but that burden gets to be emotionally exhausting.
I hope he’s been getting therapy.
Sit down with him and develop a plan together to pay off your debts. He literally owes you, so hopefully, he’ll be able to gradually pay you back. It may help to sit down with a financial advisor. Some banks and credit unions offer this service, so maybe check there.
He’s very fortunate to have you. However, you both need to recognize that being someone’s only source of love and support puts a lot of pressure on you. It’s hard to be someone’s one and only everything. Some families are born, and some are made.
Hopefully, he’ll be able to make a new ‘family’ of close and loving friends… and you, of course.” bambina821
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Not even the people you love.
It’s been a year?
Time and responsibilities don’t stop for grief and you’ve been MORE than kind. Continuing to shoulder his financial needs alone is unfair, it will lead only to more resentment.
You are far too young to be placing your own financial future in such a bad state because you are continuing to take care of your partner like you would a child.
He needs to take responsibility. Loss and grief are horrible, but you can’t let them ruin both of your lives. Right now it is ruining your relationship and your future. This is on him, not you. You’ve been extremely generous, but it’s time for him to grow up.
You deserve an equal partner… this? This is unhealthy. For both of you.
Try talking through things, and let him know that you also have emotional and financial needs. If he won’t change, then you need to leave. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you are a bad person.
You are clearly an extremely kind and generous one. It’s okay to take care of yourself, this isn’t selfish.” Pippet_4
10. AITJ For Commenting On My Brother's Partner's Weight?
“My brother has dated this girl Izzy since they were 20. They are both 23. They live together. Just to be honest, ever since my brother began seeing Izzy, she’s put on weight, and, since they moved in together in April, she’s really put on weight.
I’ve never said anything to her about it.
My thinking is, it’s not my place, she’s not my SO, and we have a good relationship.
My brother has begun to voice concerns to me as things have started to change with her. She tells him her pants are getting tight, her shirts are getting snug.
He noticed she gets winded quicker and kind of labors up flights of stairs and that some nights, after dinner, she’ll snack enough to the point where it’s almost the equivalent of another meal.
A few nights ago, he was venting to me after she admitted to him that she’s put on 20 pounds in just under 6 weeks.
He was shocked.
As he was venting, I interjected that if she’s putting on 20 pounds in 6 weeks, then he really needs to speak up and get her on a better path. Otherwise, she’ll be in a very bad way if she keeps that up.
He snapped at me, told me he wasn’t seeking my advice and told me to keep my mouth shut about her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So your brother was venting about his partner putting on an extremely unhealthy amount of weight in a very short period (It’s not unhealthy to gain 20 pounds depending on the circumstances, but it is unhealthy to gain such weight that quickly), and when he did not stipulate that he was venting just to vent, not to receive advice, he snapped at you giving him advice?
You didn’t even say anything negative about her weight! Instead, you just told him to have a talk about it with his own partner. Seems like instead, he just wanted to dump all his problems with his partner’s weight gain on you without him having such a discussion with her-which is really odd, to be honest.
Additionally, it might be important for him to have this conversation with the girl because this could literally be caused by a medical problem they haven’t either considered or thought about before.” Ready-Safe-1489
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. My reasoning is sometimes people just want to rant instead of advice which is what it sounds like he wanted to do.
He definitely should’ve communicated that though. That being said it’s weird to say he should ‘get her on a better path’ when weight gain like that typically isn’t a diet issue (compounded by her eating a lot but even still there’s little chance that’s all that’s going on).
It should be something they’re concerned about and she should probably go see a doctor but it isn’t his job to ‘fix’ her weight and it’s not your job to dictate how he should treat his partner.” HiveFleetOuroboris
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You thought he was looking for advice, while he just wanted a safe space to ‘vent’ his frustration.
He clearly knows that something is wrong with their lifestyle and that things need to change, but he is worried that bringing this up might jeopardize their relationship since she might be a bit insecure about her weight gain. It’s only been 6 weeks since they moved in together, so safe to say that they’re still adjusting to each other’s lifestyle.
Right now, just go to your brother and clear the air. Tell him that you didn’t mean to intrude in their relationship, apologize for any misunderstanding and offer your support.
Edit: Whatever the issue maybe – that’s something for your brother and his partner to figure out.
Stay out of it.
Saying anything to her about her weight gain, even if it’s a passing hint, is a surefire way to strain your relationship with her AND your brother. So again, stay away from it.” Sidpunjabi
9. AITJ For Not Wanting My Daughter To Invite Her Dad To Her Birthday?
“I’m a mother of a 16 (soon 17) daughter ‘Kelly.’ Her bio dad left when she was 4.
It’s complicated but despite him being away he still sent funds or had his family help from time to time. I still struggled a lot raising her til I met my now husband ‘Christopher.’ Christopher is like a dad to Kelly. He’s the only father figure she had.
However, I found out that she’s reconnected with her bio dad through his family (his mother) which I wasn’t happy about but I didn’t make a fuss about it. Then she started mentioning him often, going to visit him while canceling plans to hang out with us, etc. Her justification is that her dad is sick and might be (I say might because she’s a child and may not know what it meant) terminal. She sees him at his friend’s house where he’s staying now.
Christopher and I were planning her 17th birthday party at our house. Kelly told me that she’d like to have her bio dad come over to celebrate since he may not be able to be around next year. Christopher said no immediately. He said he won’t let that man come into his house which made Kelly cry saying that we were robbing her of a last chance to make memories with her dad after finally finding him again.
I told her that I don’t feel comfortable having him come to the house and be in the same room as him. Her stepsister said that both me and Christopher are overreacting and that Kelly wants her dad to take part in her birthday so badly.
Christopher left the house and I snapped at Kelly and threatened to cancel the whole thing.
Later when we calmed down I suggested she goes to celebrate with him but she said her friends and their parents won’t be able to attend. She also said he can’t throw her the party since he was sick.
We had another argument and she started ignoring me and Christopher while staying in her room. She’s saying she won’t forgive me if I let her dad miss what could be her last birthday with him.
Am I being unreasonable or is she?”
Another User Comments:
“This is a sad situation all around.
Let me just point out: ‘She’s saying she won’t forgive me if I let her dad miss what could be her last birthday with him’. She has laid out her terms.
You don’t want to be around him at all.
‘I don’t feel comfortable having him come to the house and be in the same room as him’. She is old enough to understand that.
She is also old enough to know what terminal means, so I think that is rude of you to suggest she doesn’t.
As much as she wants to see her father, you are well within your rights to not want to see him. I can understand how incredibly jarring that could be for you. However, in your situation, the good thing to do would be to suck it up and let her see her father, it’s her biological dad, and this is what she wants.
I’m going with ‘no jerks here’ due to the horrible situation that this is, and I understand it puts pressure on you and your husband. But please listen to your daughter. She may never forgive you. This is clearly important to her.” BusinessCow5266
Another User Comments:
“She isn’t a child, she understands the word terminal. I can sympathize with how you feel but we often think those we care about should feel the same as us but that isn’t reality. To you, he’s the deadbeat who left you with a kid to raise but to her, he’s the dad she’s always wanted to know.
It seems they have a decent relationship now and there is not much you can do about it. Have you spoken to him or at least his family to confirm his health status? This is crucial because if he really is on death’s door and you deny her this memory it may damage your relationship with her.
If there is some kind of trauma with associated with him then calmly explain this to her..she’s old enough now to understand this. But if it’s just anger (justifiable as it is), you and your husband should at least consider putting it to the side for one night for her.
Soft YTJ.” FirstSpace4560
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you’re setting yourself up for big problems in the future.
Your daughter has chosen to build a relationship with her bio father. This is probably a good thing for her health and development, even if he disappoints her in the long run.
She’s an adolescent and you’re her primary parent, and in this situation, every obstacle you put in her path will push her toward him, so your smart move to her is to stop creating those obstacles. Instead, set healthy boundaries and let the relationship grow (or die) naturally.
Have the party and let her invite him. You don’t want him in your home, and that’s understandable; move the party to a more public and neutral venue like a restaurant. That way you are holding your own boundary firm without creating an obstacle for her to rebel against.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck.” PrairieGrrl5263
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I understand why you’re angry at your former partner for leaving you to raise a kid like that and taking little to no interest in her life. But you’re letting that get in the way of your daughter’s relationship with her dad.
It’s cruel that you would forbid him from attending when he poses no risk to anyone and may actually have a terminal illness. You don’t seem to have any proof that this is false, yet you are rubbishing the idea out of hand. No one is replacing you or Christopher.
This is an opportunity for you both to be the bigger people in the situation and accommodate your daughter in something that is very personal and important to her. You don’t have to forgive the guy, but it’s a bit childish of you to allow your resentment to wreck something for your daughter.” Kyadagum_Dulgadee
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Explain The Contents Of My Memory Box?
“So my husband (40m) and I (34f) were having a huge clear out today of on top of the wardrobe, that we’ve avoided since we moved in pretty much. I start going through my memory box, which is full of random pictures/letters/stuff, generally from childhood to late teens.
He’s quite eye-rolley about the memory box in general, guess he’s not a sentimental person.
Anyway as I’m putting it away he’s all ‘ugh you should have cleared it out more, I mean what’s this ball here for anyway?’ For your information, the ball is from an in-joke I had from an ex over a decade ago.
Now don’t get me wrong I don’t think of this ex ever or anything like that, but it’s a memory box! He’s the first guy I was ever in love with and I personally think you should keep your old love letters.
I didn’t wanna explain this particularly so I just said never mind/it doesn’t matter. He got instantly defensive that I wouldn’t tell him what the ball is from. I said it doesn’t matter, it’s absolutely nothing to do with him, none of this stuff is.
He got more annoyed that I wouldn’t just tell him, I said that I’m allowed to have some private thoughts/memories in my head and don’t need to tell him every little thing! He said we’re married and I shouldn’t have any secrets.
I said I wouldn’t keep secrets from him if they mattered or if they were anything to do with him or us, but he doesn’t have to know everything in my head. He said that if it doesn’t matter, why can’t I tell him?!
But I feel like by this point I’m proving the principle/point of it so there’s no way I’m giving in now. LOL.
AITJ? Should I have just told him and should I need to share everything that’s meaningful or secretive, even if it’s over a decade old?
He sounds like a bit of a controlling jerk reading this back so I thought I should just clarify that he’s not, but for some reason, this just really wound him up!
Update: No, I don’t feel any guilt over the items and I’m not hiding anything.
I would have just told him in different circumstances but he started with such a weird attitude toward the whole thing and then his demanding nature just made me put my boundaries right up! He had no inclination it was to do with an ex and even if he did he’s not the type to care or feel threatened. I think I’ll probably settle for ‘everyone sucks here’ – he shouldn’t have been so demanding and weird but I was also childish making a point by not giving in!
I still haven’t told him as he’s long dropped it. I expect it’ll come up again in another 5 years which is how long it’ll probably take to get round to sorting out on top of the wardrobe again and I rediscover the memory box.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you should think about why you didn’t want to tell him because I have a theory.
He was being dismissive of your desire to keep sentimental items and when he asked about this one item, you knew he wouldn’t approve of you keeping it.
Now, if you could trust that he wouldn’t make a big deal of it, you could have told him. I think you didn’t because you knew he would either insist outright that you get rid of it or he’d give you so much trouble for wanting to keep it that you’d be forced to get rid of it just to keep the peace.
I think this boils down to you not trusting him to respect you. If that’s the case, you should consider counseling. This, of course, is assuming that there aren’t any other red flags that would warrant more decisive action.” miyuki_m
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If OP’s husband is so insecure that he feels threatened by a ball in a Memory Box that’s been sitting on the top of a closet for who knows how long, that’s his problem. You cannot be that threatened by an inanimate object that was in a Box literally collecting dust. OP should ask him about some long-lost personal memory of his.
There’s a pretty good chance that he’s going to say it’s not the same thing. But it actually is. You don’t have to share anything and everything from your past. Especially when it doesn’t have anything to do with the present.” Fun_Positive_3722
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he were genuinely interested in your keepsakes and the memories they’re attached to, then sure, unless any of the memories were sad/traumatic, it might be weird not to share them with your husband when he specifically asks.
But he’s not genuinely interested, and he doesn’t want to know the memories you’re keeping.
He wants to police whether he thinks any of the items are ‘worthy’ of being kept (look at how he ‘asked’ about the ball – he’s not actually interested in it, he wants to convince you to get rid of it). And when you refused to engage in having to defend your keepsakes, he’s finding something else to pick a fight over.
Maybe he’s not a controlling jerk, per your clarification, but at the very least he’s approaching this whole thing in a very rude and hostile manner that’s pretty much guaranteed to get you on the defensive.” Primary-Friend-7615
7. AITJ For Not Letting My Niece Go Home For Christmas?
“My brother passed away when his only child (14F) was 1 year old. I know we should have been more involved in her life but since we live in different cities we didn’t have much contact with her especially because she is shy and doesn’t like talking on the phone.
However, a few months ago her mom called and asked for our help since she was pregnant again(her 4th child) and said it was a very difficult pregnancy and asked if we would help her and take our niece for a while and we agreed. She has been staying with me and my siblings and only goes home a few days each month
The problem is, while she misses her mom and siblings and wants to go home, every time she goes home she comes back upset. I asked her what it is and it was always about how her mom was treating her compared to her siblings.
The baby has been born for a few weeks now and it’s only got worse for my niece. I suggested we keep our niece with us and made some excuses about how I don’t want her to change school and told her mom it’s probably better so that she can focus on the new baby and she agreed but we had an agreement that she has to go home for Christmas.
The problem is, I don’t want to send her home for Christmas. I know she is going to miss her siblings but I don’t want her to end up upset again and from what I’ve heard her last Christmases weren’t good either.
So I made a suggestion she couldn’t resist. I told her if she stays for Christmas we’ll buy her a gaming system of her choice.
She agreed to stay. Her mom has been calling and texting me and my siblings, calling us all jerks.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ overall I think. I see why you did what you did. Was it the best way to do it? Probably not. But in terms of trying to protect her from the pain and suffering she has from each time she goes over there, I understand it.
It may be a good idea to sit her down and really investigate what’s going on at her mom’s that she feels the way she does, whether it’s neglect, parentification, mistreatment, favoritism, etc. She’s 14, and old enough to really work through these things if you have her trusting you with this information.
Maybe look into custody, if that’s an option, although I can honestly say I have no idea how that works, so please take that with a grain of salt. I wish you well in navigating these difficult waters. Be careful and watch your own back as well.
This can be turned against you rather easily.
Just to put it out there, morally you doing this ‘bribery’ primarily out of the interest of your niece’s feelings is what makes you NTJ in my opinion. Obviously, as long as there are no ulterior motives.
Legally, however, I’d guess you’re in a weird spot, although it may depend on the laws in your area.” Raszire_dnd
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for bribing her, but it does seem like her mom’s is a bad environment. Have you tried to talk with mom to remedy this?
Ultimately 14 is old enough to decide for herself, but it’s incredibly immature of you to bribe her into staying away from family.
ETA: if you want to provide a loving and supportive home to her, whilst things are hard with her mom, the last thing you should be doing is creating conflict in the form of bribing a 14-year-old to stay away from her family’s Christmas celebration.
She will remember this as another slight by the adults in her life. Just give her the console and say it’s no strings attached. Things are hard enough already. Being a displaced teenager is awful.” BusinessCow5266
Another User Comments:
“I get what you are trying to do and look at your niece’s best interest, however, don’t agree about using the game system for Christmas without visiting her mum and siblings.
I think you need to have a clear discussion with your niece about why she is always upset when she comes home from her mother’s. Is it about the new baby or if her mother’s behavior is that negative, is she experiencing emotional mistreatment? Get clear info about the way she is treated compared to other siblings.
I think there needs to clear discussion with your niece about what she wants long-term and why as she is old enough to know her own wishes. Making it clear that if she doesn’t want to go back and live with her mother, doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her mum and sibling.
But you need to have clear discussions on the reasons, discuss the next steps with her, and if she makes that decision not to return permanently, include her mother in constructive conversation about the whole situation and maybe go forward with whatever that looks like.
You’re NTJ, just not approaching this in quite the right way and this is causing friction between you and her mother.” Possible_Laugh_9139
Another User Comments:
“So she wanted to go home, her family wanted her to go home and you bought her to stay with you over Christmas for a gaming system?
Your intentions are good, and you don’t want to see her suffer, no question. But yes, YTJ. Your niece is upset over favoritism, and I do not condone her mother’s behavior, but taking away Christmas preventively doesn’t sound like a great solution.
She still loves her siblings. It would be the first Christmas of her new sibling too. If she feels like an outsider now, imagine after big holidays are spent without her.
It’s better to compensate in this case. Send her out for Christmas, make it known that she’s free to come back anytime she wants if it doesn’t go well, and plan your own Christmas celebration for when she comes back.
And if it goes wrong, don’t let her go next big event.
It really depends on the treatment she receives, though.” Responsible_Brain852
6. AITJ For Trying To Psychoanalyze My Sister?
“My sister (f20) absolutely does not want children, I (f17) do. This is a well-established fact in our family and has never been a cause of tension, especially between the two of us. My sister also loves watching videos of animals, especially cats. I tease her about it lovingly since I think it’s really cute, and it’s basically an inside joke between us at this point.
Two weeks ago I made the observation that the extent to which she adores and fusses over cats is similar to the maternal instinct that most women feel for babies. It was a casual remark, not meant to be taken too seriously, but I must have struck a nerve because she yelled at me about how she doesn’t want kids and how she’ll never change her mind, to which I’m like ‘Ok?’.
And then she shouts ‘Why do you never apologize for the awful things you say? You never apologize, ever. And you know what, that’s probably why you don’t have any friends.’ (Likely a dig at the fact that I’m an introvert and she is more extroverted).
Then she ran upstairs to her room and slammed the door shut.
This came as a shock to me, since I can honestly say that I’ve never, as far back as I remember, said anything to her with the intention of hurting her, and she has never once (again, as far back as I remember) expressed hurt at something I said.
It’s been two weeks since that happened and she hasn’t spoken to me at all, even though we live together. She won’t even look at me. AITJ?
Edit: I wanted to clarify that I hardly bring up her decision to not have children since like I said, it’s an established fact in our family and I obviously have no reason to judge her for it.
The ‘teasing’ that I was referring to was about her love for animals (cats especially), and she’s always been warm and receptive to these kinds of jokes in the past.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You, on an ongoing basis, ‘lovingly tease’ her? That’s coming off like people who offend then say… it was only a joke!
Obviously, she didn’t find that teasing as loving as you seem to find it. Yes psychoanalyzing her is rude. You didn’t need to say anything like that to her. It’s obviously a sore point for her too and probably a number of people hound her about her decision to not have kids.
Lay off on that subject. And yes apologize to her and actually discuss it because it sounds like for a while it’s been upsetting her how you act towards her.” herdingcats2020
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If it were really a casual remark then you wouldn’t have said you were ‘attempting to psychoanalyze’ her in your title.
Women who do not want children get a lot of societal pressure for having children, and it can get very annoying and tired real quick. A lot of the arguments people have stem around a woman’s natural ‘maternal instinct’ or biological drive, but some women might still have these and yet still not want to have kids.
From what she said, it sounds like you have said this kind of thing before and it’s easier for her to try to ignore it rather than express how hurt she is by it, especially since as I said women get a lot of these kinds of comments.
I think you should go up to her, apologize, get a good understanding of what you have said to her in the past and how this has hurt her, and make an effort to just accept she doesn’t want to have kids and not make any comments about it in the future.” edgar_allan
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘Psychoanalyze’ how? You just made an absurd remark. People can not want kids for many different reasons, but that doesn’t mean they are cold-hearted beings unable to show love for other things. There are childfree people who actually adore kids, they simply don’t want to be parents – because it’s a huge responsibility, due to circumstances…
What you said it’s not a joke, it’s indirectly attacking the validity of her stance. ‘You love cats like most women love kids’ is basically saying she’s the odd one and, believe me, us childfree people have to put up with SO much of that ‘the way you feel is abnormal’-crap I’m not surprised that she snapped.
Even believing that this is the first time you have judged her (unlikely, since you call it ‘attempting to psychoanalyze’, not ‘teasing gone wrong’), she let you know that you hurt her and your answer was ‘OK?’ then not apologize (which, according to her, is a recurring thing with you) even after two weeks of her making obvious that you hurt her.
You need to apologize and never ‘analyze’ your sister again. She’s not mental, the only weird thing about her choice to not have kids is other people think they have a right to comment on it. Simple as that.” SneakyRaid
5. AITJ For Evicting My Brother?
“My parents live with my younger brother (33 years old). My dad is still working on some mortgage to pay off. My younger brother is sort of the unspoken taboo in the family.
My younger brother has a degree and master’s from an Ivy League university which he got on a scholarship. He worked in consulting for a few months before suddenly quitting, talking about things being too stressful, not wanting to be part of the rat race, etc. That’s ok.
We were supportive and tried to encourage him until it turns out he didn’t plan on working anymore. He would pick up an odd job (some entry-level stuff or part-time gig) every now and then and quit soon after, saying it was not for him, too stressful, etc. He has no criminal convictions and no mental illness that we know of.
The reason why he’s able to have such a lifestyle is that, at the end of the day, he still lives with/off my parents. He eats all 3 meals at home, almost doesn’t go out, and doesn’t have a social life, so you can imagine how little he spends.
It’s to the point where he wanted to tag along when I brought my parents for their medical checkup, not because he cared (he was playing mobile games throughout), but because he needed a free lunch.
We’ve gone from supportive to shaming to just flat-out ignoring him.
My mother will offer him meals if she’s cooking for the family but nothing beyond that. I’ve also made it clear he’s no longer welcome when I bring my parents out for meals.
So now, I have bought a bigger house for my family, and we are planning to do extensive renovations to it.
My wife and I have decided to invite my parents to stay with us. This allows for more care, given their increasing mobility issues and also allows them to sell their house and retire. The elephant in the room is my brother, of course.
My dad and I were in agreement that my brother is on his own now, but my mother is hesitant.
My brother’s first reaction upon hearing the news was to assume that he was moving in with me. That all changed once he found out and he accused me of trying to punish him for his lifestyle choices, stating that he was happy and comfortable and I had to ruin it all for him.
I told him that the renovations would be done by the earliest end of next year so that was enough time for him to get himself together.
I thought all was done and settled until my mother presumably started getting cold feet and thought about keeping the house till my brother is self-sufficient.
She also asked me to consider letting my brother move in and to use my contacts/network to get him a job, all of which I declined. When he left his first job, I was able to ask some friends at another bank to set up an interview for him but he ghosted that.
I am no longer willing to help or do anything that will put my reputation at risk. My mother has now changed her tone and is accusing me of being extremely cruel to my brother. AITJ for not lifting a finger to help him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he’s milking the system called parents. And he’s perfectly capable and educated to provide for himself. You’ve given him ample time to prepare for the transition and he’s the one refusing to be responsible for himself. He’s expecting you to be his gravy train instead of your parents and that’s entitlement on his part.
Your brother is a perfectly capable adult who is the only person responsible for his actions and future. He knows what he needs to do and he’s throwing a tantrum because it doesn’t align with his lifestyle choices. But that isn’t your problem or responsibility.
It’s his. Your mother is being a caring mom, trying to look out for him. But in doing so, she is enabling him. It’s not right for her or your brother to expect you to support him or ruin your reputation and networking relationships because of him.
They’re both guilty of trying to invalidate your feelings and overstep your boundaries. And that’s not ok… Especially when there’s no reason why he can’t work or make other plans in a timely manner.” Gorgeous-Angelface
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did lift a finger to help him.
He turned it down. Now he isn’t asking for a finger, he’s asking for your back to carry him through life. He’s old enough and smart enough to make it on his own. At worst you are simply a consequence of the choices he has made.
His living situation depended on other people. Those other people are no longer available to assist him.
More importantly, if not now, when? Even if you weren’t offering your parents a place to stay, eventually they were going to move. Maybe into a retirement community.
Maybe into a smaller place. He was always living on time he stole from someone else. He’s had a decade to plan for that. His failure to do so is no one’s problem but his own.” User
Another User Comments:
“It may come to it that you would tell your parents that they choose – either move in with you – or you withdraw your support and let ‘lifestyle leo’ be their caretaker.
Your mother is enabling the leechy lifestyle here – and maybe out of some misguided ‘I have to care for my kids’ mindset (if she has that – caring for you would mean enabling brother dearest to fend for himself, he’s an adult now)
Your description of him tagging along just for the free food is infuriating – you really need to express to your parents, your mother especially – that they are NOT doing him any favors if they keep infantilizing him by providing everything… this is the second entry of parents raising their kids as unable to function.
If he has legit issues – which you say you are not sure of – he should get help from specialists.
NTJ, and good luck educating mom and dad.” SamuelVimesTrained
4. AITJ For Telling My Friend That My Parents Supported Me?
“I (23f) have a good friend (24f) who I’ve known since high school. We’ll call her Kathy. For context, I come from a lower middle-class family while Kathy comes from a lower-class family.
My family isn’t rich, but I was fortunate enough to have my parents support me so I could focus on school while Kathy’s parents weren’t able to do the same, so she had to support herself.
I can’t remember when it started, but Kathy would make comments about how super lucky I was to have my parents pay for my things.
I didn’t mind the comments at first, but recently her comments became more passive-aggressive and snarky. I just assumed she was stressed from trying to find a job after graduating. She would say things like ‘I’m glad I didn’t have to rely on my parents like (my name) did’ or ‘finding a job is hard since I didn’t have it easy like (my name)’.
She would say these things around my other group of friends and put me in an awkward spot since they would agree with her sometimes.
The other night I was hanging out with Kathy and the rest of our friends, and we were talking about how we wanted to raise our kids in the future.
Right away I had an idea of where this was going. Kathy started saying that she was going to make her kids work for their own things and learn how to be independent. I had no problem with what she was saying until she said something like ‘people who were given everything by their mommy and daddy their entire life don’t know how to be grateful for things and wouldn’t survive in the real world’.
I immediately responded that my parents supported me and I turned out to be just fine. I’m ‘surviving in the real world’ and also repaying my parents through gifts, helping them pay bills, and so forth. Kathy laughed and said that I had it easy my entire life so I had no say in the conversation.
That’s when I called her out on her passive-aggressive behavior and told her that while I do respect her for not relying on her parents, she needs to stop her comments because it’s not my fault my parents were able to support me and hers weren’t.
Things got awkward for the rest of the night, and Kathy and I haven’t talked since. One of my friends said that my comment was insensitive while another friend said it was okay to call Kathy out since she’s been doing this for a while now.
Sometimes I feel like Kathy was projecting her emotions onto me. So am I the jerk for what I said?
EDIT: 1.) Why am I still friends with Kathy? Kathy isn’t a bad friend even though this post makes it sound like she is. Aside from the comments she makes, she’s very supportive but can be a little… ditzy sometimes and slow to understand that it can be hurtful.
2.) Why did I stand up for myself sooner? I’m actually a pretty vocal person but for some reason, I always stayed quiet on this topic. There’s a stigma behind people who receive support from their parents and I always felt ashamed to talk about it before.
Stupid of me, but I’m slowly learning to become more open that yes, my parents did support me.
3.) If it matters at all my parents did not pay for my tuition. I had to take out loans and those are my responsibility now. But they helped pay for a lot of things like buying me a car.
Extremely thankful as this allowed me to get through school easier and now I’m determined to repay them.
4.) Did I show off my ‘wealth’ to trigger Kathy’s comments? No, because there’s nothing for me to show off. I’m not materialistic.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you finally hit your limit and snapped.
She has been insulting you for years and you have just been letting it slide. You should’ve said something to her much sooner. Not only that but should’ve called her out every time she made a comment.
You need to set your boundaries, if not then you are giving people the right to insult you like in this situation.
You never corrected her before so she kept doing it. Then when you finally stand up for yourself, she can’t handle it.
She’s not your friend. She’s definitely jealous of you and has been putting you down in front of others for years. Probably to try and make herself feel better because she felt like she had an awful upbringing.
Instead of focusing on herself, she focused on you.
Just cut her off and move on. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.” Disco_Pegasus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s clear she’s resentful for not having the opportunities in life that her peers did.
And, that’s totally understandable. Financial insecurity is hard on people, and it’s not unreasonable for her to have some negative feelings about what that situation put her through.
But it’s not cool of her to take that out on you. It’s one thing to lament that your situation growing up was hard, but it’s something else entirely to essentially tell your friends that they’re lazy and ungrateful because they weren’t as unlucky as you.
You had just as much control over your lot in life as she did. It’s just as unfair of her to say you don’t know hard work because you grew up with financial security as it would be for you to say something crappy like ‘oh well you grew up poor so you must not know anything about saving money’.
Yes, you were more privileged than she was. But unless you’re out here rubbing that in her face or acting like she didn’t face more/different struggles than you did, it’s pretty out of line of her to keep throwing it in your face like that.” finallyinfinite
Another User Comments:
“If it’s completely unprovoked and out of the blue, it’s just bitterness on her end and that’s not your fault. She should try to work through her trauma and let it sink in that she’s not that helpless kid anymore. It really is difficult to get out of that headspace but for her own good and the long-term health of the friendship and probably her future children’s mental health, it’s needed.
On the other hand, though, it is very easy for a person that came from that supportive background to say things that feel like a slap in the face to her without that being your intention at all, and you’re not showing off or anything like that.
However, it could still trigger her in particular. I’m going to say a very tentative ‘no jerks here’ just because trauma (especially from a financially insecure childhood) is real and the fact that these comments hurt you hasn’t been brought up before. If she doubles down and continues these remarks after this, she kinda will be the jerk.” pumpkinsyo
3. WIBTJ If I Don't Eat At The Family House When My Sister-In-Law Refuses To Compromise?
“MIL has recently been diagnosed with a brain disease and cannot and will never be able to eat again.
She has a feeding tube, and her life expectancy is very short, which is a massive shock as she is in her 50s. For context, SIL lives at home but her moving back was unrelated to the diagnosis.
The other siblings and their partners (me included) don’t all work 9-5s so coordinating time to go home is difficult.
The family home is between 1.5-3 hours from us depending on traffic, so dropping in isn’t easy. When we do find time, we’ll often only know a day or so in advance, so we need to keep things flexible.
For this reason, but also to be mindful of MIL, we have started insisting that food is not the focus.
We don’t want a 3-course dinner cooked for us. The last time we let SIL know that we could visit for a day or two (no timings confirmed), we told her not to cook anything fancy – a sandwich would do and if that didn’t work with her, we’d eat on route.
Lo and behold, a 3-course meal had been planned for lunch and, when we didn’t make it in time for lunch, she was visibly upset and cold with us the rest of the weekend.
It is very likely that this Christmas will be MIL’s last, and so naturally we want this to be a memorable family occasion.
If SIL had it her way, every single meal would be a 3+ course affair, so FIL has said that she can only prepare 2 meals that way over the festive season, which I think is reasonable. Each of these meals usually takes a full day of prep and then around 3 hours at the table.
However, as usual, SIL has immediately launched into food planning and prep. It is clear that she is not going to listen to FIL.
My partner and I have been discussing whether to boycott mealtimes at the house. We want to do something that MIL can actually be involved in.
SIL will not listen to our suggestions that food be simple and secondary, so we think we need to set a firm boundary that we are not visiting for the food. To facilitate this, we’ll either eat while doing activities with the family, or cook quick and easy meals at the house using our own supplies.
However, I know that this decision will cause a rift. Tensions are already high in the family because of the diagnosis, and SIL’s relationship with the rest of the family isn’t great. She has told us that food is her love language, and it is clear from past experiences that not showing up to the meals will cause more tension.
However, it just feels tone-deaf to revolve the holiday around food when one member of the family cannot eat.
So, WIBTJ if we refuse to eat at the family house (except for the 2 approved meals)?
ETA: MIL is non-verbal and the disease has affected her mental faculty.
However, we know that she finds being at the dinner table distressing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You want to accommodate MIL on what is likely her last Xmas, and FIL (the cohost I assume, since SIL lives with them) wants to limit their amount of time doing something his wife can’t participate in.
I understand SIL, she is likely dealing with grief (poorly) and I think it’s hard to call her a jerk when she is facing the passing of her mother, and likely wants to distract herself/ pretend everything is normal. But I do think she is being a soft jerk, not listening to FIL, and not wanting to prioritize MIL at this time.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs: support goes out from the person affected. I can’t imagine treating my own parent like this when it’s the last one they may be at, but grief does funny things to people. Though I’m not sure the way you are proposing this will be best for MIL.
I think you need to sit down and have another heart-to-heart with SIL. Let her know that you will be prioritizing spending time with MIL this Xmas and would like her to do the same. Be there for her in her grief, be understanding, and don’t come in, and issue ultimatums. If SIL doesn’t back down and wants to focus everything around food, spend the bare minimum time at the table eating and spend the rest of it with MIL.” Little_Ms_Howl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Food as a love language does not mean only formal hours long 3 course meals. That’s ridiculous. She could cook people’s favorites and have them set up buffet style with crockpot and food warmers so people can grab them as they can, if she needs the validation people could make sure to thank her for cooking their favorite.
She could do a dessert table. If it’s about all sitting down together around the table, you could do simple board games (in pairs) or puzzles so MIL feels included. If she’s non-verbal but has reasonable motor something like scrabble or dominoes where she can just place her tiles down without verbal communication could be good – and they make versions with large size easy to grip pieces.
Your SIL isn’t the only one grieving and if she isn’t getting the hint someone needs to just TELL her flat out that no one else is ok with her excluding and making your very ill MIL cry over 3-course formal meals. That time spent with MIL is everyone’s (especially those who don’t live with her and get to see her every day) priority.
Having a blunt conversation might hurt her feelings but it has to be better than not having the conversation, letting her cook these meals no one wants, and making both MIL and SIL upset.” Skye_Reading
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, whilst I understand that is her way of showing love, this is not about her.
I think if you look deeper she is clinging to tradition as she doesn’t want to accept the situation, but she is going to feel regret when her mother is gone and everyone thinks she basically tortured your MIL for her own selfish reasons.
I think you can skip meals but I would be very upfront with your SIL. ‘We will only be attending and eating at the 2 agreed meals. Whilst we understand that cooking is your way of showing love and is probably therapeutic for you at the moment, we are looking at what is best for MIL.
For everyone’s sake please just do the two meals and rather make proper memories your mom will enjoy instead of being distressed because she is unable to be a part of the meal. I am not saying this to be rude or antagonistic, but I want you to be prepared when we do not eat if you chose to proceed as it appears you are.’ All you can do is then hope for the best, hopefully, she sees the light and doesn’t try to make things worse with big fancy meals.” Trantosawrus
2. AITJ For Not Punishing My Child And For Kicking My Sister Out?
“So I (30F) have a little girl (6F). I grew up in an environment where every mistake was punishable.
Dropped ice cream? No more for the rest of the month. Accidentally broke something? Grounded. When I had my child I swore I wouldn’t punish her severely unless it was very big.
So my sister (34F) lost her job so I opened my doors to her and her son (7M).
It’s been going pretty ok but I recently noticed how whenever her son would make a mistake he’d act like it was the end of the world.
For example, he and my daughter were playing tag in the house and they accidentally knocked over a vase.
I heard the crash from my office at home and when I came my nephew started bawling and saying he was sorry. I asked him if they were both ok and told them that next time don’t run around in the house. He looked at me in confusion before running off when he heard his mother coming.
I thought that was really weird but shrugged it off and cleaned up the mess.
So last week I took the kids to the park and my sister tagged along. I bought some ice cream for both of them and watched them while they played. I needed to go to the bathroom so I asked my sister to please watch the two of them while I was gone.
She obliged.
I come back and my daughter is crying, her ice cream is on the ground, and my sister is yelling at her while my nephew is also crying. I ask what is wrong and my sister tells me that while running around despite my sister telling her not to my daughter dropped her ice cream.
My daughter then said that my nephew was chasing her with a worm on a stick so she was trying to run away from him. I checked up on her to make sure she hadn’t hurt herself before exploding on my sister.
I yelled saying she had no right to yell at my child while she said she was making sure my daughter didn’t grow up to be a brat seeing as I don’t punish her.
I told her I make sure my daughter learns from her mistakes and only discipline her if it’s warranted. I then told her to leave my house which she did the very next day.
Now I’m getting messages from my family asking me how could i turn away my sister and her son when they had nowhere to go and I’m heartless.
I feel really bad since her son did nothing wrong so AITJ?
EDIT: I’ve talked to my sister about her parenting before and she didn’t want to hear it so I butted out.
My daughter has never broken a vase before. It was raining so they couldn’t play outside.
It was a one-time thing. And I did discipline her by not letting them go to the park. I rearranged the day.
My sister and her son are not homeless. They are now living with one of her friends.
I know my daughter was telling the truth because I’ve raised her not to lie and my nephew admitted to me he was chasing her with a worm.
I kicked her out because she was yelling at my child. This has happened once before when my daughter dropped a cup when trying to pick it up and my sister yelled at her. I told her not to yell at my child and she agreed.
I am on thin ice with my sister so right now isn’t the best time to bring up my nephew. however, the kids still talk over the phone at night so that’s progress.
I’ve sent my sister a message wanting to talk. She’s coming over this afternoon
UPDATE: I know that kicking my sister out was harsh and I do need to talk to my sister about her parenting.
So, I met with my sister in a coffee house which was a very public and open setting. I sat her down and told her that yelling at children for a simple mistake was wrong and that she needed to tone down the yelling.
She started to protest but I stopped her and said that to help her with no yelling I wanted my nephew to live with me for a few days every week. I said that if she disagreed I would call CPS and take her son away.
She sat down and begrudgingly agreed to let him live with me for two days every week. He is now living with me and everything is going great. I signed my sister up for an anger management class which was part of the deal if she doesn’t want me to call CPS.”
Another User Comments:
“I‘m sorry because I know you’re working hard on breaking the cycle but YTJ. Your sister was wrong to yell at your child for a simple mistake. You and your sister both grew up in the same punitive household and both responded differently.
She continued what she was taught, you went the opposite way. Until your sister came along. She did what she knew to do and you responded by immediately yelling at her and kicking her and her young child out. You could’ve stayed cool and talked with her about breaking the pattern and telling her you’re concerned because you’ve noticed her young son is afraid and anxious about making simple mistakes.
Instead, you yelled at her, and in front of the children, teaching her by your actions that yelling and impulsive punitive decisions are the way to deal with problems. This can be remedied by sitting down and discussing the past and trying to break the cycle with her.
Would you be willing to have her and her son come back if she’s willing to join you in learning better ways to communicate? This could be an opportunity for both of you breaking the cycle together. I’m sorry for what you went through as a child and wish you the best.” Pkfrompa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, therapist here you are putting the work in to break the generational trauma instead of passing it down to your daughter.
There are often 2 types of parents, one recognizes what they went through was traumatic and works hard to be/do better for their child.
The other often doesn’t realize it was traumatic or thinks I went through it so my child should and continues the trauma cycle on a new generation.
Hopefully, when your nephew is older he’ll realize there is a different way to be and he can work through the trauma his mum is inflicting upon him.” MrsActionParsnip
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You admit to being raised by parents who instilled a strong fear of making mistakes. Somehow, you overcame that with your own child, not making the same mistake, but, obviously, your sister did not. Rather than empathy, and the desire to help your sister break free of that abusive mentality with her own son, you act like your parents… yelling and punishing her (kicking her out) for her mistake.
Wow. Seems like you broke about half of that cycle. Imagine if you had calmly pointed out to your sister what you posted in this thread… the damage that type of parenting caused you as a child, and your philosophy, and your hope that she can see how important it is to not raise kids fearful of making mistakes.
You could have looked at the crying kids and just said, it’s ok. We will fix things, but I need to talk to (sister) for a minute. You could have walked over out-of-earshot of the kids but within eyesight and had this conversation.
If it’s possible to have this talk with your sister and invite her back into your home with the rule that she is not to discipline your child and suggest that she really think hard about how she treats her own child, then that would be the route to go in order to fix this problem.” anitarielleliphe
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but didn’t you sort of do to your sister what was done to both of you growing up? You learned, your sister didn’t and I agree she shouldn’t have done that. But your sister’s punishment for yelling at your daughter was to be made homeless along with her 7-year-old son?
It’s a shame you weren’t able to discuss this when both of you calmed down and you could’ve given your sister another chance. I know a lot of people won’t agree with this but this could have been a teachable moment and might have possibly changed your sister’s parenting.” Ok_Homework8692
1. AITJ For Not Going To My Sister-In-Law's Wedding?
“My husband (33M) and I (29M) have been married for a year, I think it’s important to mention that my husband and I hyphenated our last names so we are now Mr. P (My husband) and Mr. E ‘H-S’ (My last name comes first) and everyone in our families knows this, here is the dilemma:
My SIL (28F) is getting married this December 2nd and she delivered the invitations two weeks ago and for our surprise the invitation that we got read: ‘To Mr. S-H’ and just like that, she just didn’t mess up our last name but (I don’t know if you agree) I think Mr. S-H, only means one of us and I assumed that by changing the order of our last name she meant her brother to attend, I mean the invitation could go like: ‘To Mr. and Mr. H-S’, ‘To H-S family’ or ‘To P and E H-S’, the actual invitation didn’t include any ‘plus one’ so I let my husband know my concern and that as I wasn’t clearly invited, I couldn’t go, he said that there was probably a mistake and he’d call her to make sure to have it rectified. For five days he called and texted her and she didn’t answer, she ignored him.
My FIL (my former college professor) found out about this and got mad at her because all my other in-laws got their invitations right, for example, my husband’s older brother got his invitation like: ‘To Mr. and Mrs. S’ the same as for my other SIL ‘To Mr. and Mrs. P’, that’s when my husband got really mad and said he wouldn’t go, it was after FIL reached out to her and Husband said he wouldn’t go that SIL reached out to us to come up with the made-up story that as we are a gay couple she thought that ‘Mr. S-H’ includes both of us which makes no sense to me since we have already sent invitations to some events we have hosted as ‘From Mr. and Mr. H-S’ so she already knew it and keep in mind she explained this all mess almost a week later.
My husband said that it’s up to me if we attend or not and I don’t to, she clearly didn’t want me there in the first place, I told my husband I wouldn’t attend and he told me he wouldn’t either, I told him he is free to go but he says that if I don’t go, he doesn’t go either.
Now SIL (The bride) and MIL are saying that I’m making a big deal out of nowhere and ruining her big day because she really wants her brother there, they are really close. And my husband has said that he won’t go unless I do.
AITJ if I don’t attend?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is her right to be homophobic and judgmental. It is your right not to go. It is your husband’s right not to go since she passively insulted you. Unfortunately, the insult to you and your husband will likely become known one way or another.
Just try to keep it from overtly happening on that day. Someone at the wedding (likely in-laws) is going to be able to read enough body language to realize that you being there and as part of a same-gendered couple is not actually desired by the bride (or maybe groom) and conclusions will be drawn (right or wrong).
Or someone will realize you, and maybe your husband, are not there and figure out it’s because the bride didn’t want you there and only wanted her brother there. There will be no winners here in any scenario, and the best thing to do is try to minimize the impending nastiness as much as possible.
As much as it sucks, your husband should put on a brave face and go regardless of whether you go or not. Just be ready that, since your in-laws know of your marriage, there will be questions asked about why you are not there and your husband is there (if he goes).
If you’re not there it will be rather apparent the issue no matter what answer is given. If neither of you goes, it will be very obvious that there is some sort of problem.
The high road is actually giving their bride what she wants (remember that it IS her day) which is her brother only.
Reply to any questions with a semi-neutral ‘let’s not ruin this day with any negativity. It can be discussed at a later date.’ There can even be an implication that it is a personal health issue, a family issue from your side, or even a work issue for the short term to mask the proverbial elephant in the room on the actual wedding day.
Don’t extrapolate and maintain that answer. In fact, if it can be put off until after the honeymoon that would be better. Let SIL have her high.
Afterward, the arguments and negativity might taint the overall memories of the wedding but they really can’t taint the memories of the actual wedding/wedding day because it (hopefully) wouldn’t be happening at the ceremony or on that day (I can already see SIL screaming ‘you ruined my wedding!’).
Good luck to you and your husband, whatever you decide, and I’m sorry you have to suffer through this.” ToriBethATX
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Skipping a sibling or a sibling-in-law’s wedding is a huge insult & a great beginning to a long-lasting family rift. It’s not something you should do lightly or because someone botched your name on an invitation.
You should consider what you already know of this person before you decide she meant to exclude or insult you. People make mistakes with hyphenated names all the time. Many people don’t give as much thought to your name as you do; it’s not hard to imagine she just made a mistake.
Your best move is to take the high road & give her the benefit of the doubt. If she meant to insult you, no doubt she will give you another chance to cut her off. If she made an honest mistake & you skip her wedding, it will be hard to walk that back.” YMMV-But
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — I think if you stayed home, you’d be well within your rights. She sounds like she’s trying to be passive-aggressive about something, but what isn’t clear in what you said? THAT SAID, despite you being in the right, I would still suck it up and go.
Not going to a sibling’s wedding is a nuclear option and you might be buying more trouble than it’s worth. Buy them some nice towels and have them monogrammed with the wrong initials by accident or something. Eat and drink on their dime and then spend Christmas elsewhere.
Stay mad, but go. Just in case you think a year from now you or your husband might regret not going.” mysteriousbrightness
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And I think you know it. We’re talking about a potential mislabeling of an invitation to the bride’s brother.
Has she ever not included you in anything, insulted you, mistreated you? You must be a real piece of work if this is the hill you want to die on and make your husband tarnish his relationship with his family over something this stupid. You’re being a drama queen and any reasonable person would call you out on it.
Good luck being divorced in 5 years when the drama you created forces your husband to view you in a negative light and hold resentment that he missed his sister’s wedding because you didn’t like the way the invitation was written. You’re her brother-in-law, so it’s expected you’re invited and will be there.
Quit looking for reasons to be offended because your life is so privileged.” Friendly_University7
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