People Ask Us To Think Deeply About Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
20. AITJ For Being Mad At My Mom For Having Other Plans On My Daughter's Birthday?
“My daughter turns 5 on Friday, my mom tells me today that there’s a retirement party she’s going to on Friday and asks what our plans are for the b-day.
I’m immediately annoyed by just being asked this because every year on my daughter’s birthday we have had my parents over, clearly, they’re going to be involved, and with it being a Friday too, kind of a no-brainer I’m going to be asking them over. Generally, in my family, things like birthday plans are last-minute ‘come on over’ types of things so the obvious answer my mom knows is that there are no exact ‘plans’ of what time we are doing things but that we will be asking them to come over at some point when I’m out of work.
I guess my expectation was that on the birthday of her ONLY grandchild, her calendar would be clear and I wouldn’t be competing with any other social events. After asking more questions she tells me it’s for her BIL, my uncle, and the husband of the sister she hangs out with the most. I don’t know why I’m just being told this now as I feel like retirement parties are planned pretty well in advance and my mom claims she didn’t forget my daughter’s birthday either…
Mom (59) and I (30m) exchange a few texts and I throw some shade in my texts and she tells me I’m being unkind because she didn’t think it would be a problem to attend both my daughter’s birthday and my uncle’s retirement party. As she was ‘just asking what the plan was’ so that she could do both. I guess I find the idea that she needs to do both pretty selfish and unreasonable.
I understand an adult retirement party is probably more fun for an adult to attend than a kid’s birthday but my daughter thinks the world of her grandmother and loves her dearly.
My mom tells me I’m trying to start a fight and am being unkind for guilting her over this. I think my mom is being immature and selfish for expecting me to be understanding of her dilemma in having two sets of plans on a birthday for again her ONLY grandchild who is turning 5.
AITJ?
Update: I did text my mom back specifying verbatim that perhaps I was being a jerk and we will work around the birthday time. I will say that my mom and I have had a rocky history which can make communication between us difficult.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – your daughter’s birthday happens every year and you said yourself birthdays are a casual ‘come over after work’ thing in your family.
Your uncle’s retirement party won’t happen again. It is perfectly reasonable that she would want to attend it. She’s made it clear that she wants to make an appearance at both celebrations.
She was being kind to let you know that she has additional plans the day of, but you went all ‘bUt iT’s MY DaUghTer’s BiRthDay’ about it. You really want your mom to have no plans whatsoever for the entire day because it’s your 5-year-old’s birthday?
I mean…?” Not-Creative-0921
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
If you care about your only daughter’s special day so much, why aren’t taking the time to plan it out?
You are also being disrespectful of your mother’s time and basically acting as if her world should revolve around you and your daughter.
If you’re really too lazy to sit down and plan something out for your daughter’s birthday then just make it clear that every year you will be doing XYZ.
Whether that’s dinner or lunch or whatever.
Why is it unreasonable for her to go to two events on the same day? Is your daughter’s birthday celebration an entire day’s commitment? Because if that’s the case then you are even more in the wrong for not communicating your expectations with the people you want at this birthday party.
You sound like you’re completely out of touch with reality and actually YOU are the immature and selfish person in this scenario.
Give your poor mom a break and be a better parent by actually planning out the birthday party.” kjaxz8
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
She’s trying to make both groups happy. Your daughter will have many more birthdays. A retirement party is like… once… You’re the one being selfish and self-centered here. People don’t need to dedicate an entire day to your daughter. She still wants to spend some time with her, it’s not like she’s even saying no to her at all for the day.
She’s actually trying to be considerate of both plans, which if anything makes her even more not the jerk.
Get over the fact it’s your daughter’s birthday. The only ones who make whole-day ordeals out of it are the immediate family, meaning you as a parent with your wife and daughter. Anyone else does not need to dedicate their entire day to your daughter. It’s your job to make your daughter feel special. She’ll feel happy and loved whether or not she spends one hour or five there with her grandparents.” Due-External8607
19. AITJ For Not Going To My Friend's Church?
“I am not a Christian or believe in any Christian beliefs, but I respect and avoid as much as possible going into places that I know have people who are blinded by religion. I’ve had this friend for a few months, and she’s a Christian, she goes to church every week, and hangs out at church events. I never had any problems with any Christian friends, they always understood my beliefs and respected them.
but she no. It’s not that she’s religiously intolerant or anything like that, but she’s annoying for always insisting that I go to her church or attend an event. I’m a pagan, something Christians abhor, including her. That’s why she always follows me to these events, and I always politely decline. But this weekend I had my limit.
I received an invitation to have lunch at a restaurant, I went, but only to find out that it was a church, and that lunch was being held there for all the churchmates, and that in fact it was some commemorative date in the Christian, and I really got in a bad mood, I called her to talk, she just said ‘oh I knew you wouldn’t come if I said it was church’ and it annoyed me, SO MUCH.
I was already stressed from all this crap of her always pushing her religion behind my back, putting her beliefs on me so I just said ‘I would not go to your church or convert to Christian, not even in my next incarnation’ and left there before I got another minute near her. apparently she cried to some mutual friends of ours – all Christians – and half of them said how stupid I was to have spoken to her that way, and that she only wanted my good, and the other half said that my attitude was understandable.
I’ve been thinking that I could have spoken in a more polite and less aggressive way to her, but I don’t know. So, was I the jerk or not?
A few more things: I believe in reincarnation, that’s why I said something like that. I really don’t care about other people’s religion, nor do I try to force my religion into anyone’s life, because I know how annoying that is.
I don’t feel comfortable in churches, so I don’t go. She’s nice when she’s not trying to force her religion on me, which is one of the reasons I haven’t walked away from her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think you were wrong to say what you did or how you responded.
She was disrespectful & sneaky & oblivious to why she was wrong.
But I can say with high certainty that she doesn’t believe she was wrong or disrespectful.
I can say with high certainty that she believes that your religious beliefs are factually incorrect, that you won’t get into heaven because of them, and she really wants you to get into heaven. She doesn’t want to convert you because she hates your religion, she cares about your soul & wants what is best for you (her understanding of heaven). She doesn’t consider that God might be way more inclusive than she has been taught.
She has been taught that the most loving thing she can do for a person is to introduce them to Christ.
She either hasn’t been taught or has forgotten that Jesus said a liar is as disrespectful as a killer (he was making a point), or that there are multiple instances in the bible where the pagans are accepted by God/ Jesus, or that Jesus rebuked the religious people constantly & showed only kindness to the ‘unholy’ people.
She believes (incorrectly!) that her trickery was a justified act of love so that you would hear Jesus’s message & accept it as your Truth. I have found that Jesus’s Truth is just as easy to find among non-Christians & has very little to do with being a church-goer.” Evening_Produce1070
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You did tell her nicely you did not want to attend these events. She did not listen to you telling her nicely.
So you were blunt in telling her how you feel. She did not respect your boundaries and just can’t feel with the consequences of her actions.
Could you have been a little nicer? Sure, but I don’t think she would’ve been able to grasp how mad/frustrated you are. I have a feeling she would have tried to brush you off and not understand just how wrong her actions were.” Gplaticorn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re not her friend; you’re a notch on her ‘saved heathens’ belt.
If you did this to her, she’d be screaming state persecution. Ditch her and let her know why. If your other Christian friends want to get down on you for it, ask them why they think it’s okay to lie by omission to worsen the impression of Christianity as being a faith that can’t take ‘no’ for an answer.” RecipesAndDiving
18. AITJ For Not Being There For My Sister When She Was Scared?
“I was walking through a sketchy neighborhood with my twin sister this past weekend and she asked me to walk close to her. She was scared cause the neighborhood we were in was known to be really dangerous. She was really getting on my nerves that day so I walked away from her multiple times out of spite which upset her.
She started complaining to me saying I need to be close to her for protection, and said I don’t understand what it was like to be a woman and called me a jerk.
I told her I wasn’t her parent and that it wasn’t my responsibility to protect her, although the real reason that I walked away from her was that she was being super annoying (e.g. always asking me if we were going the right way when she clearly saw google maps on my phone, commenting to me that my shirt had food stains on it and gossipping about random crap about her friends, etc…
Anyway, my sister complained about it to our mom and dad later that night at home and they got mad at me and said I should have kept close with her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“The odds of being attacked by a shark is 1 in 11.5 MILLION PEOPLE. The odds of a woman being taken advantage of are 1:6. A WOMAN’S FEAR OF MEN IS ENTIRELY RATIONAL. She is your sister, YTJ for intentionally putting your sister in danger when she was clearly scared. Yes, she could’ve looked at your phone, but, maybe she wanted to respect your privacy, or maybe someone was being sketchy and she picked up on it and wanted to make sure you both knew exactly where you were and where you were going.
Women are almost always aware of their surroundings, especially in dangerous situations, for instance, walking in a known sketchy area AT NIGHT, even just walking through the store and noticing someone following you through the aisles ‘discretely’. Being a woman is terrifying, I have been harassed, followed to my car, and touched by grown men (especially when I was a minor, which is double yuck) when I was AT WORK.
I am only 20 now and I couldn’t count all the times I have been harassed in public, touched inappropriately, followed, by MEN. The amount of times I’ve caught men looking at my body, other women’s bodies is ridiculous. You are incredibly privileged to have the freedom that comes with being a man, it’s time you acknowledge it.” CanAccomplished8788
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
People that get nervous can be really annoying, she probably was genuinely scared. That makes some people get chatty and annoying.
If you then walkway it gets worse.
Not your responsibility to protect her? Even if it isn’t your responsibility it’s not like it’s hard. It’s just being there so it’s not a girl on her own.
If you weren’t prepared to go through the neighborhood with her you should have found an alternative.” bob3725
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The ONLY right thing for you to do in this situation was to say ‘Keep close for safety’ and then indulged her nervous chattiness.
Irritate each other at home if you must, but always have each other’s backs. Annoying chatter was a way to distract herself from fear & not look terrified to anyone watching. All you taught her was that men who don’t care about her safety aren’t just out there in bad neighborhoods, they’re also in her own house. You’re a terrible wombmate.” Evening_Produce1070
17. AITJ For Agreeing That My Sister-In-Law Got Fat?
“I (38M) was an overeater. I still am. Early on I realized I couldn’t control myself around food, and after my mother’s constant pestering (a young neighbor passed away due to a heart attack, and it scared the crap out of her), I decided to work my butt off to lose weight. To this day I eat whatever I want, but I pretty much balance it out by working out.
I don’t have a six-pack, because I don’t eat that healthy, but I don’t have a beer gut either.
Both of my kids (14F and 13M) take after me. They love to eat. So, I got them into swimming, running, etc. One of my rules is never to ride an elevator if you can take stairs (up to 4 or 5 floors).
We are on a family vacation right now. After we checked in, we saw that 2 out of the 3 elevators were being repaired and there was a bit of a line for the other one.
Since our rooms were on the 2nd floor my kids wanted to take the stairs. The staff told us to go ahead if we want to and that they will deliver our luggage to our rooms as soon as possible.
We left our parents downstairs and started climbing. I thought my SIL and niece (15F) will stay back, but for some reason, they joined me, my wife, kids, brother, and nephew (12M).
Halfway through, my niece starts panting very heavily, and my kids started giggling. I just said ‘hey’ a bit loudly, and they stopped. That is our code. My wife and I don’t shout at them, but when we say ‘hey’ a bit loudly, they have to stop whatever they are doing.
My brother sighed and said (niece) you need to lose weight and I nodded my head. I generally stay out of this discussion but it was one of those involuntary reactions.
Before you blast me or my brother, you should know my niece is TWICE in her ideal weight range. No, she doesn’t have any medical conditions that cause her to gain weight. All her medical problems were because of her weight. Multiple doctors told her to lose weight.
The problem is my SIL. She gained a bit after giving birth to my nephew but never lost it. She is just a bit chubby (nowhere as bad as my niece), but it’s a sore point for her.
Whenever my brother tries to control my niece’s diet or asks her to exercise, my SIL will take it as a personal attack on her. She insists my niece’s weight is due to a medical condition despite multiple doctors saying otherwise. They prescribed pills to reduce hunger, or therapy to avoid stress eating. My SIL won’t do both because the doctors were wrong.
Back to the problem, my SIL lost it and started shouting.
It was a routine argument between them but as I nodded it meant I took my brother’s side. She accused me and my brother of fat shaming, and that she is tired of the same discussion over and over again. She called us jerks. I simply left with my kids and wife without speaking. I just didn’t want to deal with her anymore.
Suffice it to say, things are a bit weird right now.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ and so is your brother. Your children’s giggling is also quite telling about the way you raised them. Your brother should not have talked about this in front of you, particularly after your kids giggled. You should control your reactions better.
Also, if your niece’s weight isn’t due to a medical condition, your brother doesn’t get to be judgemental. Teaching your kids healthy habits is and was not just your SIL’s job.
It’s something he should have participated in from the get-go and he also should’ve led by example. He obviously didn’t do that but has no problem fat-shaming his daughter in the presence of people with a bully mentality. He’s an absolute jerk and both of you and your children should be ashamed of yourselves. You’re awful people.” AffectionateHand2206
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and no adults in this scenario are handling this right.
This poor girl. Perhaps this young person would benefit from improving her fitness. But firstly, that needs to be framed as about health – more exercise and better food so that her body and brain feel better – rather than her weight. Weight is not always a symptom of a larger issue, which is why it’s problematic to use fat as synonymous with unhealthy – especially when socially, it’s also coded as ‘ugly’.
This stuff also typically encourages low self-esteem and disordered eating, not sustainable health change which is driven by a desire to look after our brains and bodies.
If your family has the resources to support this girl in therapy – because she’s at a very vulnerable age for disordered eating and I’d imagine feeling like her father is judging her every time he looks at her is pretty terrible – that could be really helpful for her.
(And also, it sounds like your kids have inherited a really unkind and judgemental attitude toward bodies! That sucks, and they deserve better).
Finally, your SIL is right to identify fatphobia and to anticipate the damage it will do to her daughter.” Vivid_Philosophy_
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your niece is definitely already hyperaware of her weight. If this is a consistent argument that your brother and SIL have and something that she has seen multiple doctors about, she already knows very well that she is overweight.
She doesn’t need her adult aunt joining in on the jabs. She was out of breath and your brother decided to really hammer it in that it was because of her weight, with you as his backup in front of her cousins. She was probably already embarrassed about it without you pointing it out in front of others.
While it may be beneficial for your niece to exercise more or adjust her diet, your SIL isn’t wrong in her stance about doctors.
Doctors are notorious for their neglect when it comes to treating overweight patients. They consistently ignore symptoms and refuse to do tests, and leave patients untreated for illnesses simply because they blame every issue on weight. Also, those ‘reduce hunger’ pills are just encouragement to starve yourself and are a great segway into an eating disorder. It’s a similar practice to wiring a person’s mouth shut to discourage them from ‘overeating’.
I can see why your SIL takes what your brother says as a personal attack if this is the way he talks when he brings up this subject. It’s clear that your mom gave you and your brother some unhealthy views on eating and weight, and it’s definitely having an effect on your niece if not also on your own kids. At the very least, your and your brother’s reactions are childish, and thoughtless, and will further worsen your niece’s relationship with food and weight.” 5catterbrained
BTW you aren't health conscious. You are weight conscious. If you were really concerned more about health than appearance, you would be teaching your kids about putting healthy foods into their bodies rather than maintaining weight based on exercise alone. You can get diabetes and have high cholesterol as well as other major health issues without looking fat.
16. AITJ For Refusing To Take Time Off Work To Babysit My Brother?
“So I recently graduated from high school (18F). I’ve been accepted into university and am currently taking on as many work hours as possible so I can afford a car and eventually move out. I work a (basically) minimum-wage job, so the price for a decent car is kicking my butt.
However, my brother, (16M) has hit a rough spot mentally. My mother’s been asking for me to call in sick to stay home to basically babysit him, and I’ve had to call in sick + cancel the days with friends to stay at home to cook/clean up after my brother, who’s mostly been sitting on his butt playing video games.
I get that she’s worried about him being home on his own, but it makes me mad that this responsibility seems to fall on me.
She’s ignoring the school counselor’s advice to get him help but still gets bitter when I’m hesitant to call off another few days of work. My mom’s just been promoted, and my father is working as well and doesn’t want to take time off. We have grandparents nearby, but she brushes off the suggestion that he spend the day with them instead.
I get the worry and I do care about him, but AITJ for feeling like it’s not my job to put my life on hold to become a third parent?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… nope. Stop calling off. Tell your parents that you can no longer call off or you will lose your job and that is not going to happen. Your brother’s mental health is not your responsibility. What if something g does happen? And they did not get him the help he needs? Are they going to blame you? Also, babysitting a 16-year-old… being there is one thing, but if he can play video games, he can cook and clean up after himself.
Also, I realize mental issues are different for everyone, but when my daughter is suffering, she cannot do much else but lay in bed and she is a gamer herself. I am wondering how much is mental, laziness or is there something going on at school? Your brother really needs to be evaluated and your parents need to make it happen. Would they rather have to call off work to get him the help he needs or to plan a burial?” Worth-Season3645
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Stop calling off or you’re going to get fired, which is what your parents want, so you can’t move out and they can force you to be their caregiver forever. Your brother is not your responsibility. I would tell your grandparents what’s going on and ask if you can move in with them until you get on your feet. Unfortunately, the situation with your parents is never going to improve until you’re not under their thumb financially.
You can offer to receive payment and potentially even quit your job to be your brother’s caretaker and but that is literally the worst possible idea. You’ll be totally eliminating any chance at financial independence from your parents, and completely foregoing building a history of employment and a network of references. Do not do this. Ask them for repayment for wages lost, sure, if it’s worth the hassle to you (they will almost definitely not pay.) But absolutely do not become a paid caregiver for your brother.
You’re not qualified and it’s not to your benefit whatsoever.” OnyxRose31216
Another User Comments:
“Not your job, not your responsibility.
You should not be the solution to your brother’s and parents’ problems. Seems like a perfect way of making you start to hate your brother and parents
If you still live at home, it might be a good idea to spend the money you have saved for a car on rent for a property/room closer to the university instead.
NTJ. Good luck on this one” Funkyzebra1999
15. AITJ For Donating My Hair To Charity?
“I (15F) live in a Christian household, where cutting your hair is strictly not allowed.
I never liked long hair and always felt uncomfortable with mine, it never helped with my low self-esteem and body image issues. So one day, I found out the local cancer treatment clinic (whatever it’s called) was accepting hair donations. Without thinking twice, I cut my hair completely until it reached my shoulders, and donated it to the clinic.
When my dad came back to work, he found out about it and got mad at me for not following the Church doctrine and for doing it behind his back without his permission.
He threw insults at me and called me many bad things, and now he doesn’t want to leave me alone on my own anymore out of fear I’ll do something behind his back again.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I really despise these cult-like sects that think males have the right to control a woman’s body in any of its aspects. You are probably stuck with this misogynism until you are a legal adult, but any parent who insults their child and demands this groveling, no-free-thoughts-of-your-own level of obedience is not a good parent. His idea of ‘Christianity’ is the type that is causing the group as a whole to lose members at an increasing rate because it is all about power and control and abusing others, nothing about love or concern.
I think all you can do is keep your head down and try to fly under the radar until you are a legal adult. What you do after that is up to you, so please try to prepare to make your own life and choices as soon as you can. Good luck to you!” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your hair. Your choice and you did something amazing with your hair to help others.
You do not need your father’s permission to cut your hair. This doctrine is an attempt to control women that are within it.
You did something amazing for other people which is more than I can say for him right now. He should be proud of you for helping others.
You keep doing you, girl! And when your hair grows back again… go donate it again!
You do you!” thelonemaplestar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t about hair, it’s about an abusive level of control. Start very quietly planning to leave, you have 2 years and some months until your 18th birthday.
Gather your documents like your birth certificate, social security card, and passport if you have one. Keep them somewhere very safe and secret, like a trusted friend who is not in this church community.
Get a bank account when you’re 16, make sure to not be at a bank your parents use, and do not bring anything with this bank’s name into your house.
Get a part-time job and have most of the money go to your hidden bank. You may have to get the rest in cash or at a bank, which they know about for appearances.
Take care of your health. Get an IUD as soon as humanly possible for your state. You do not want an accident or assault on pregnancy to trap you in your parents.
Other than that, carry on as usual. Do not rock the boat.
And when you reach 18, walk out into the sunshine of the lovely big world.” Astyryx
14. AITJ For Refusing To Remove The Liquor From My House For The Guests?
“My (41f) 16-year-old daughter has been going out with a boy for 7 months now and mentioned she’d like his family to come over for Christmas. He has several siblings who have significant others and younger kids. I am great with this as I love entertaining and have no family around. But here in lays the problem, the family is very religious and the father is a recovering heavy drinker. I enjoy a drink or 2 now and again, but I’m fine not drinking around them when they are here.
However, my daughter informed me I’ll need to clear all liquor out of the house and fridge including my cooking wines and baking liquor. Personally, I think that’s a lot to ask of me. I spoke with my husband and he agrees but others have said it’s a simple thing just hide everything elsewhere. So would I be a jerk if I tell my daughter if she wants me to host, I’m not clearing out liquor?
Just to clear things up: My husband of 20+ years is also a removing heavy drinker so I am familiar. Secondly, according to the daughter, it needs to be put out of the house not just hidden in the back of the cupboard or fridge. We live in a climate where it’s often below 0 so putting in the garage isn’t an option for some stuff. My personal drinks may consist of a case of beer 6 bottles of wine and a few bottles of liquor the problem is my older daughter made wine for her wedding I’m storing it in the laundry room closet which consists of many cases.
A lot to move and something I don’t want to freeze. As I said I won’t serve it, drink it, or even cook with it while they are here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Cancel the dinner altogether.
‘…but was now told I need to remove anything liquor-related.’
Let whoever is making these demands know that while you might have been willing to hide the brandy in the sideboard or the whiskey in the laundry room, asking you to remove parts of your décor is preposterous.
I would not be willing to expel the effort it would take to remove all of the items in my household that are liquor-related to appease the family of a boy my daughter has been seeing for less than a year. They could be together for 5 years, and it still ain’t happening.
Either the son is making up these demands willy-nilly, he’s misconstruing what is being told him or the family has some serious control issues.
Nope. Cancel. Then enjoy an adult beverage of your choosing while gazing upon one of your husband’s many beer signs, knowing that you just avoided a disaster.” BadBandit1970
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your daughter’s request for her partner’s family is not reasonable. You shouldn’t have to be expected to accommodate your daughter’s partner’s family’s sensibilities or addiction problems.
Your house is not the only place in which they’ll be exposed to liquor, it’s up to them to abstain from consuming it.
Also, if your daughter remarks upon the differences between yours and her partner’s family and how they should be respected, well, she’s right, they should be respected. This means that if they come to your house, they must respect your home and how you run it and if you go to theirs, then you’ll extend the same respect to their customs.” Aggressive_Week9068
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s a super unreasonable request regardless of the father’s recovery status.
If he isn’t in a position where he can be in the same house with liquor then it’s his responsibility to not attend gatherings where he might be tempted. You should probably sit down and have a real talk with your daughter about reasonable boundaries and expectations because this seems like a solid teaching moment at a really healthy age for her to learn it.” hannahkelli
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go Out With My Coworker's Son?
“I (20F) just started working at a new job a few weeks ago. Everything has been smooth sailing with my coworkers (all fun, cool ppl) until yesterday. For a little context before I get into it, my assistant manager, Sherry (45F) has a son, Travis (19M). When I first started working and met her, the topic of relationships came up and she asked if I was single.
I told her yes, I got out of a long-term relationship this past July and I’m thinking about jumping back into seeing other people. She told me her son was around my age and that we would probably like each other, and asked if I’d be interested. I told her to let me think about it and that I’d get back to her.
That was about six weeks ago.
A couple of weeks ago, I decided that going on a couple of first dates or outings with new people couldn’t be too bad of an idea, so I told Sherry to let Travis know I was interested if he wanted to meet for coffee or something and test the waters, but that I probably wouldn’t be free until just after the new year because I’m busy with work and personal/family stuff.
She said that sounded fine. And then yesterday happened.
Sherry was talking in the back room with 2 of my other coworkers, who are also moms, about their kids. At some point, they were making jokes about spoiling their kids and Sherry said Travis ‘doesn’t even make himself a sandwich, just goes into the kitchen and sits there and pouts because he knows mama will come to do it for him.’ I rarely use this term, but I absolutely felt icked out by that.
I asked her if she was being serious and she laughed and said yes, he’s just a mama’s boy. As we were leaving later, I pulled her aside and told her that I wasn’t interested in going out with her son anymore. After she pressed me about why several times, I admitted that the sandwich thing turned me off and that I would never go out with a man who seemed so dependent or unwilling to do things himself.
Sherry got upset and told me I’m not a mom and don’t know what I’m talking about and that surely I expect my parents to still do things for me and stormed off. I’m getting off my break here in a minute but she hasn’t spoken to me ALL DAY and I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong here. Was I the jerk?
Edit: I know I shouldn’t have agreed in the first place. That was absolutely my mistake and I was entirely naive about how things would play out. It seemed totally innocent and no big deal to me and I’m very much used to older women in my life trying to set me up with their sons. It’s not something I’ve had to confront the past four years because I was able to say I’m taken, but now that I’m single and open to trying to meet new people again, it’s not as easy to navigate.
I guess I didn’t think much of it since I haven’t dated anyone new since I was 16 and I still look at these new date situations like I’m still 16. Either way, I’m not mixing work with personal like that ever again. I’ve learned my lesson.”
Another User Comments:
“He’s not a mama’s boy, he’s a 19-year-old toddler. Gross.
Personally, I think it could have been handled better.
Maybe turn Travis down instead of his mother to avoid at-work conflict and the obvious overprotective mom issues. The fact that she laughed off his pouting and bragged about him not even making himself a sandwich shows how overbearing she is and that she expects to be a big part of his life well after he leaves the house if he ever does.
Ultimately, NTJ.” stonerd808
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is completely unprofessional for your co-worker, especially someone who is in management to set up a date for her son with someone working under her. On the other hand, you should not feel obligated to accept. If there is any blowback, you need to inform HR of workplace harassment. You are there to work, not to date her son. She is there to work, not get dates for her son.” TheDeadlyPandaGamer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But she is now going to hold this against you for a while – you were her potential out to get her son out of her house – in her dream world of course. You learned a very valuable lesson – don’t date co-workers – or their family members. When you eventually break things off it always turns messy and grudges are held.
The good news is that she will come around – it will just take a little while once the sting wears off.” No_Requirement_4316
12. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Brother's Wife Live With Us?
“My brother moved in with me this summer. He has issues that he’s working on. He comes and goes as he pleases but last week he brought home a wife.
Some girl he’s been seeing but I don’t know at all. My brother insisted by law I have to allow his wife to live there. Things got heated and I told her if she didn’t leave I would get the police involved and have her removed from my property. I’m not going to let some rando live at my apartment.
After that my brother moved out and he and his wife are bouncing around from shelter to shelter.
A few family members said I should let them move in over the holidays but I do not want her to establish a legal residency at my place and she’s already tried strong-arming me to say I have to legally live with her husband. I know it’s the holiday season and Christmas is coming up so everything is super awkward with my other family members and I’m accused of being such a jerk over this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and if those flying monkey family members are so worried about the situation, they can play host to brother and his random maybe-wife. You are quite right to avoid the chance of letting someone who tries to bully you establish residency that could take legal action to shut down, holiday, or no holiday. Sounds like your brother is adding to his issues rather than working on them.
Smart of you not to let him make them your issues.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, every family member that contacts you is someone you should tell to go pick them up and take them in. Your brother was living in your house and then tried to bring in another person as if he had squatters rights to your home. He doesn’t get to move people into your house and you were right to protect yourself and get them both out, cuz I’m trying to bring in other people so he had more leverage to bully you in your home would have been foolish.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“So NTJ. If the family member is concerned about where your brother and his wife will be for the holidays, that family member can open their doors for them. You were doing kindness to your brother. It was solely on him to inform you of his impending wife. He didn’t. Also make sure that since he left, he quit any agreement he had with you about his staying with you.
It is now over. You didn’t owe him the kindness in the first place; you definitely don’t owe your surprise SIL the same kindness.” icedtea4all
11. AITJ For Wanting My Daughter To Have A Bigger Room?
“My partner and I (29) have been together for 9 years.
She has a 13-year-old son Jude, whom she had as a teen and we have a 5-year-old daughter (Maddie) together and she is pregnant. We used some of our savings to buy and own our first home together and just got done remodeling and renovating and are ready to move in. It is a 4 bedroom home. We got the biggest bedroom, but out of the children’s bedrooms, there is one specifically large.
I had said that will be Maddie’s room since she has the most toys and furniture and it’s the second closest room to our bedroom. (The closest is the baby’s room.) Maddie has a big inflatable princess bed(shaped as a castle that takes up most of a normal-sized room) she has several toy chests and princess castle forts. These things made her room pretty crowded at our old house.
This wasn’t an issue because she had a big bedroom and Jude’s bedroom was the attic, so they both had big bedrooms.
Well, my partner doesn’t agree that Maddie should get this bedroom. She thinks Jude should get it since he’s the oldest. I told her that wouldn’t make sense because Jude deserves the privacy as his bedroom would b on the other side of the house and he has much fewer things for his room and she shouldn’t make Maddie put up her everyday toys and items she’s used to having (because she suggested packing some stuff away).
She told me it didn’t make a difference and I was excluding Jude. She’s now saying she should’ve rethought our living situation. She’s been avoiding conversations and won’t look at me. We’ve lived with each other for 7 years and never have had these issues. AITJ?
Info: My partner doesn’t want this brought up to Jude because she doesn’t want him to feel ‘excluded.’ In our old home jude did specifically like the attic as it was away from others.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for handing her a decision rather than discussing it as a family. I also think you’re setting up trouble for the future treating your 5-year-old as a little princess who doesn’t have to put her toys away, but that’s just my view.
There could be a way to redeem yourself. A 13-year-old boy might prefer to be further away from his parent’s room, and you can build on that by talking to both of them about how to upgrade it to the kind of room a teenage boy wants, such as building a good study area where he can also game with his mates, and age-appropriate decor so he feels good when a friend comes over.” Now_Villager
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here for engaging in this dumb argument without even talking to a teenager about it. He’s old enough to provide some reasonable input as to his needs. I can’t believe your partner is saying she should have rethought the living situation over this issue. You’re not even married, buying a house together, renovating a house together and THIS causes her to rethink a living situation after how many years of living together?
I am not going to guess as to what’s missing though, but the implication is that she doesn’t think you treat Jude equitably in comparison to your child together.” SteelLt78
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A small child doesn’t need a large bedroom.
The best way to figure this out is to have a discussion with Jude. If framed correctly then it won’t make Jude feel excluded, it’ll make him feel important.
You just say, ‘hey Jude, since you’re the oldest you get to pick which bedroom you want. Each bedroom has its own perks, one is large and the other is more private. Let us know and we’ll set the other one up for Maddie.’
You don’t try to sway his thinking. You don’t try to guilt or manipulate him. You ask what he wants and then you let him tell you.” vivid_prophecy
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I get the impression that this is probably not an isolated incident and there are some other contributing factors to why your partner feels like her son is being excluded and treated differently and that’s probably something more complicated than bedroom choices. But just declare that the oldest kid gets to choose which room he wants and go from there. I will say, though, that it feels pretty sketchy that you’re assuming your daughter should get the bigger bedroom because she has more stuff, considering the context of Jude not being your son.
Be mindful, maybe without intending to you are favoring your daughter in a way that isn’t cool.” hannahkelli
10. AITJ For Staying Longer In Bed?
“So I (22f) woke up with a headache this morning. I decided to stay in bed later. My husband (28m) declared war. He said that if I didn’t wake up right at that moment he would separate all of our laundries and he was only going to wash his and our son’s (1m). I didn’t see anything wrong with me staying in bed due to my headache and my husband claimed he also had a headache.
I said that he was a hangover, and mine was due to my menstrual cycle and the fatigue that follows.
My headaches during my monthly cycle don’t respond to medicine. He decided since I wasn’t going to get up right that minute that he would separate the laundry. I don’t have any problems doing my own laundry. The problem comes in when I finally took my laundry to the basement (we live on the 3rd floor of an apartment complex).
My hubs was downstairs and he started saying that he was ‘teaching me a lesson.’ I snapped at him because I don’t see what ‘lesson’ I could possibly need to be taught for staying in bed. He still thinks he’s right and I think I didn’t do anything wrong.
Edit to add info: I handle most of the housework myself as I am a stay-at-home mom.
Laundry is the one thing we do together but I had no idea until this morning that we were going to do it today.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your spouse is not your parent. You are a grown-up woman who doesn’t need lessons about when to get out of bed. You are entitled to make your own decisions about your health and your self-care. I am sorry that your partner is the type to be sulky and churlish instead of supportive and understanding.
I mean it’s fine if he didn’t want to do your washing I suppose (though certainly petty). It’s the demanding and the arguing and the utter lack of nurturing that have really exposed him for being a jerk.
Let’s chalk it up to the stress of parenting a newborn. Your spouse is clearly not equipped to handle the demands of parenting if he can’t do a few hours of morning duty on his own without pitching a fit and making you pay.
You all could benefit from some couples’ counseling. Though I don’t know if a person can be counseled into having empathy, so good luck.” not_inacult
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is abusive. You need to find an income, find or tap into a good support network, and leave him. Document everything you can, keep a dated journal of these events, start squirreling away cash, open your own bank account if you can tell your parents or any family or friends with the means to help what’s going on, and find a lawyer.
This is not normal. This is not acceptable. He will continue to escalate. Help yourself.” OnyxRose31216
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Birth control pills can help menstrual cycle migraines. There are other medications that can help. Go see your GYN. Migraines are a stroke risk, so they need to be controlled.
Sometimes meds like Toradol or opiates can help. As well as nausea meds.
Sleep is the best thing to do for migraines, but medication also helps.
You don’t deserve to be in pain and don’t deserve to be forced to stay up and be sick as a dog.
Your partner is being abusive. It took more time to remove your clothes than it did to just wash everything together.” savvyblackbird
9. AITJ For Associating A Girl With An "Ugly" Color?
“I (18f) have synesthesia. One of my main symptoms (? if you could call it that) is that I associate colors with people. I think part of it is pattern recognition (i.e. my grandparents are both ‘yellow’ people, and they decorate their house in yellow) but sometimes it’s just the person’s ‘vibes.’ I don’t bring it up a lot but when it comes up it’s fun to tell people what color they are.
This doesn’t happen often as I don’t think it’s a big deal plus some people are annoyed by things like this.
Before class today I and a few others were talking about my synesthesia and asking me what colors they were. One girl asked me what color she was. I told her she was dark orange. She’s been a ‘dark orange’ person since I met her. The colors mean absolutely nothing.
It’s just the color my brain associates with a person.
When I told her she was burnt orange she got upset. I told a lot of the other girls that they were ‘pretty colors’ like purple or blue. Okay, true, she was the only orange girl. I told her the colors to mean nothing and that it isn’t a reflection of her. She refused to hear it and walked away.
Some of the others felt pity because sure, orange isn’t a ‘pretty’ color, but others felt she was being dramatic. Ot be honest, I feel like she’s being dramatic as this is just a stupid association my brain does and means nothing. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. Synesthesia has been proven to be a real condition. You can’t help it, it’s the way you function and it will be there forever.
That orange girl is mad that she’s orange? Pfft. So? She doesn’t like the way your brain is wired. It doesn’t sound like she’s a person you want to have as a friend anyway, so ignore her and her personal issues.
Personally, I think it’s fascinating when a person’s brain has its own way of perceiving things. It’s like a little magic trick and should be fun, not an irritant to others.
Just continue to be your fascinating self. I’m a fan.” 4RealUnicorn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But if it helps, try describing it to her in a way that sounds more attractive, like she’s an autumn colors kind of girl, burnt orange like the leaves and warm drinks and cinnamon and sweaters and pumpkin spice sort of stuff. You can’t really take the color back because you already said it publicly, but you can fluff it to sound nicer to her mind.” Kimberellaroo
Another User Comments:
“I also have synesthesia. It really is just your brain doing weird brain things and there’s nothing you can do to change the color association. Honestly, I don’t know what she expects you to do about that. I’ve also had people get upset if I tell them that their voice is just, well, a shade of brown. Usually, they’d forget about it almost immediately. Hopefully, it’ll be the case for you.
Otherwise, she’s just being dramatic. NTJ” soupyPockets
8. AITJ For Kicking Someone Out For Peeing In My Shower?
“I’d gone on a few dates with a guy Ben, who I met through mutual friends, and he’d stayed over at my place last Friday.
On Saturday, he got up to shower and invited me to join him. But when I came in, the bathroom stunk like pee, to be honest. And he was literally standing in the shower peeing on the wall. Like when he was expecting me to join?
I don’t know what he was thinking, the shower reeked, and he’d just peed on the wall that isn’t even near the drain, and that has roughly shaped natural stone tiles that are hard to clean.
I yelled at him to use the toilet and he just kept peeing on the wall? Till he stopped, and I was like ‘What are you doing’ and he was like ‘Don’t pretend you don’t pee in the shower’ and I told him I literally don’t, I pee in the toilet.
And even if he acts like that at home, why’d he think it’s alright to pee on my wall?
He was being all condescending like ‘calm down’ and ‘girl chill’ and of course being too calm down never works. I was like ‘Don’t tell me to calm down, go clean up after yourself and get out’ and I grabbed a bottle of bathroom tub and tile cleaner and gave it to him.
I left him alone to clean up and he came out like ‘is this bleach?’ And I was like ‘Nah it’s tub cleaner’ and he said it smelled like bleach and did I really just give him bleach to use on pee? Because you can’t do that.
I said ‘I genuinely don’t care, that’s the cleaner I got’.
He went to clean the bathroom and opened the window cause he was saying you can’t use bleach on pee because of some chemicals?
But anyway, after that, I told him to head out.
I thought it was just super nasty and weird, to be honest. I don’t know if this is weird for me but I’d be happy to have a whole relationship never seeing my partner’s bathroom activities… let alone after a few dates, without asking, what?! And it’s just so inconsiderate to not even think of cleaning up? Like what idiot pees on the far wall of the shower where water doesn’t even run over?
On rough rock? The dude’s just peeing on my walls at that point.
So to me, it was pretty obviously nasty and not cool. But I got a call from the mutual friend who introduced us saying he heard I kicked him out at 6 am for peeing in the shower. I was like ‘yeah’ and he was like ‘And then you made him clean with bleach? Bleach on urine? That causes chlorine gas?’ And I was like ‘how was I supposed to know that?
I gave him my tub and tile cleaner’.
My friend told me I was out of line and he regretted introducing us because he figured I’d be chill. I was like ‘dude would you be chill if I came by and peed on your stuff?’
He said it’s not peeing on my ‘stuff,’ everyone pees in the shower. So does he. I was like I really don’t need to know that about you honestly.
AITJ for kicking my date out for peeing on my shower wall in front of me?”
Another User Comments:
“The production of chlorine (chloramine to be specific) gas by mixing chlorine bleach with urine is true. But the danger is grossly exaggerated here. You get the reaction by mixing the cleaner with standing urine, like in an unflushed toilet bowl. Using the cleaner to sanitize a wall that has been peed on is nothing to worry about.
There is barely any urine left. What an argument about nothing!
‘I don’t know if this is weird for me but I’d be happy to have a whole relationship never seeing my partner’s bathroom activities… let alone after a few dates,’
I get this. it took me a few months to even think of leaving the door open when my now wife and I were still going out. This is something you do with a partner when you reach that stage, not on the first date.
Furthermore, I aim for the drain. Not the wall.
Even now that my wife and I are married, I would NEVER invite her to the shower when I just mad and it stinks. Wait a minute or two, get the shower wand to rinse the urine down, and then maybe invite her in. Yes most of us do pee in the shower but the guy was not smooth at all.
NTJ” BeeYehWoo
Another User Comments:
“I think this is an ‘everyone sucks here’.
It’s probably a bit too early in the relationship to be relieving yourselves in front of each other. I think he got too comfortable with you and in your home.
But I agree with your friend, everyone pees in the shower. Get over yourself. You were probably both drinking the night before and after dehydrated, your pee probably reeked too.
It might kill the co-shower mood, but get over yourself with the rest of that
By the way, there’s anomia in your pee, and anomia + bleach = chlorine gas, which is kinda toxic. It was probably fine in the shower since he finished and it was diluted, but yeah in general, probably not best to be cleaning pee with bleach.” stealthkoopa
Another User Comments:
“NTj for kicking dude out for peeing on the wall of the shower.
If he had just peed in the drain/by the drain, whole other story.
A lot of people pee in the shower, but there’s also decency etiquette for it (in/by the drain). And also not in other people’s showers.
He’s definitely the jerk for peeing on the wall like that and it being not his shower.
That said, it’s pretty common knowledge that bleach and ammonia make a dangerous gas.
But also to that end of his pee has that strong of an ammonia content/smell he needs to drink a lot more water.” MsPennyP
7. WIBTJ If I Stay At A Hotel?
“I live with my partner, who I love deeply, and I am convinced he’s the love of my life. Living together has been fantastic until now.
Since the beginning of the year until today (we move in together three months ago) he has been having sleeping problems. According to him, he needs total darkness, no TV, a podcast as background noise, and 30 minutes of reading.
Here is where it gets complicated, I have severe anxiety, and mostly all the time I am struggling with intrusive thoughts, for this I use the TV as background noise to fall asleep and to drown my intrusive thoughts. But I am more than willing to compromise; once he it’s in bed I shut down the TV even if I am not sleeping. However his system hasn’t been working, and he ends up waking me up around 03:39 am (I check the time because I feel I miss my alarm), and once I am awake I cannot fall asleep again.
Lack of sleep and anxiety are a terrible combo, I feel drained the whole day ahead of me. Drained in a way that I am incapable of feeling a once of joy during the day to a point that the really bad thoughts come back; I have done a lot of work in therapy to recognize this and I am able to handle it for the amount of energy that requires of me impacts my work, my school and my extracurriculars.
For the last two weeks, I have been waking up at least four times, and given the nature of my crappy job I don’t have time to recharge or I can call in sick because it’s going to be money out of my paycheck that for other reasons I desperately need.
Last night was the same situation, I got upset and when to the living room and started to watch a show on my laptop.
My partner came to the living room and ask me to come back to bed; I did and I stayed there in silence until it was time for me to go to work.
I had an appointment earlier today that I couldn’t manage myself to go to because of anxiety.
I am desperate here, I mentioned to my partner that he should go to the doctor and get a reason why he cannot sleep but he insists he wants to deal with it naturally.
I will admit that I left the house upset today. I have a whole 8 hours shift ahead of me. One essay to write, and a test to write but I am barely capable to put sentences together.
I am considering spending the night in an Airbnb or a hotel but I don’t want to create a conflict. I literally just want to sleep to feel myself again.
Edit: My manager sent me home because he noticed I wasn’t well.
I came home and have a discussion with my partner. We have arranged some solutions, some more immediate and alternative plans.
He agreed on checking with the doctor to get some better advice. I compromised to watch tv in the living room instead of bed for a couple of days to give it a try. We both agree that our sleeping dynamics will need some work but we are both willing to do it.
He apologized for the whole thing, I explained to him the dimension of my anxiety and how to extrapolate it to the rest of my life.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you may just not be compatible in this way and need two bedrooms. If he’s not willing to consider that kind of arrangement, that would leave you in an unhealthy situation and would be abusive. It’s important that he understand that and work with you.
If he can’t or won’t, as other commenters are saying, huge red flag.
I think one night’s hotel stay to get you well rested to be able to discuss this with him is fine and a good idea if you can afford it. But it’s obviously not a solution.
NTJ and possibly ‘no jerks here’. I don’t know how demanding your partner is being. But it’s important that you take care of yourself and that he be a help and not a hindrance in that.
Is he?” clauclauclaudia
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk for wanting to get a good night’s sleep but YTJ for saying your partner is the one with sleeping problems when it’s very clearly you. Let’s break this down.
Your partner wants total darkness. This is completely normal. No sleeping problems here.
He doesn’t want the TV on. Also very normal. A lot of studies have actually proven that sleeping with the TV on is detrimental to the quality of sleep you get, so you wake up feeling more tired than if the TV had been off.
No sleeping problems here, actually this is a very healthy sleeping mindset.
A podcast as background noise. A lot of people use background noises (such as white noise or meditation apps) to fall asleep. He happens to use audiobooks. Now I will say, this is the best place to compromise, so if the audiobooks are keeping you up, try white noise.
30 minutes of reading. Studies show you shouldn’t use any blue light devices (ie phones or TV) for at least 30 minutes if not longer before going to sleep.
So here, once again, no sleeping issues.
So I’m just curious how it’s your partner that has sleeping issues and not you?
Also, you tried to make your partner sound worse than he is by saying he wakes you up multiple times a night. In my mind, I immediately jumped to he wakes you up with his audiobooks or to ask you a question or something, but no, he wakes you up when he gets up to go to the restroom.
If you get woken up by that and then can’t fall asleep for hours after, that’s not your partner’s sleeping issues, that is yours.
You are the only one that has sleep issues that need to be addressed.” Acrobatic-Bit4846
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but you need to have a real serious talk with your partner. So far his needs have totally taken precedence over yours AND when you remove yourself to try to take care of yourself he gets upset/demands you return.
There is NO reason why he needed you to come back to bed when you got up to sleep on the couch with the TV. That was selfish and unkind of him. If he doesn’t realize that you need to make it clear.
I would recommend getting yourself a great pair of headphones you can sleep with, I listen to historical podcasts with headphones as I’m falling asleep and it works a treat for drowning out my thoughts.
BUT your partner has to take ownership over his ridiculous demands too, without his support you are in for a long and unhappy cohabitation.” catsndogspls
6. AITJ For Wanting To Stop Sending Christmas Funds To My Nephews?
“I (35m) have three nephews that I rarely ever see. My sister, who lives about five hours away from me rarely visits, and we don’t really communicate much. Every year since my nephews were born I would send them either gifts or money for Christmas and birthdays. I have one child who is eight and they have three boys aged 10, 14, and two years old. I feel like I don’t have much of a relationship with any of them because we never see each other and we never talk.
Yet I’m expected to make sure they get their Christmas and birthday money from their uncle every year. In these times when money is very tight and our paycheques don’t go as far as they used to.
I feel like, I shouldn’t be doing this anymore and I should be redirecting the money and taking care of my own family. I feel annoyed that I have to send triple the amount of money because there are three nephews and the amount that’s given to us is only reflective of one child.
I just feel like I am over this whole Christmas and birthday money exchange when we never see each other or make any attempt to communicate. We don’t FaceTime we don’t phone or text anything. My son rarely even knows his cousins. I haven’t brought this up to my sister because I know she’s going to blow up about it. I’ve already sent out their money for Christmas but I feel like this year is it.
As stated I’d rather redirect that money towards my family as opposed to pretty much strangers. And to be honest I wouldn’t be upset if they didn’t send my son anything. He has everything he needs and so do his cousins. I’d much rather we meet up somewhere for the weekend and allow the cousins to get to know each other and play.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you make an excellent point about the transactions of money here. Seeing as there is little to no relationship and the cousins don’t even call each other all your basically doing is paying each other for having had kids and every year you get shorted a bit.
I think sending the money for this year was the best way to avoid conflict. Instead of all of a sudden just refusing to send gifts, you’re willing to do it one last Christmas.
Once the stress and craziness of the holidays are finally over would probably be the best time to have this chat with your sister. Wait for the right time and I bet she’ll agree that going forward there can be new expectations for the holidays next year.” Dangerous-Law-5569
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Not because you may not be able to afford it if you can’t afford it just be honest and tell your sister that you’re in a financial situation where you can’t afford it next year since you already did it this year.
But to be annoyed that you spend for 3 and she spends for 1 is quite petty. You could easily stop sending money and send gifts that cut down on the costs. Or send a gift card meant to treat all 3 kids out to lunch or something.
Don’t you think she also spends 3 times as much for 3 kids as how much you have to spend for 1? That’s extra mouths to feed, clothes, and everything else.
If it were me, I’d just go to a store that has low cost items and get them something cool. Maybe YOU should put in the effort to find out about their interests so you can get them appropriate gifts.
One kid is artistic? Get them some art supplies (you can find them very cheap). A kid is into a certain sport? Get them something related to the sport (again find something inexpensive).
One kid is musical? What instrument do they play? You could get them the sheet music to a cool song in a genre they like. It doesn’t have to be money every year and it doesn’t have to cost a whole lot. You could order it to be delivered if you go to the right stores or shopping places online. Possibly free delivery depending on how much you spend.
Like seriously, instead of moaning about this, do something to make it less expensive while still acknowledging the kids as part of your family.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. You could send your sister a letter to let her know that due to circumstances being the way they are for people because of the global crisis and that you’ve been affected, this was the last year you could send them money for their birthdays and Christmas, as you have a duty to your immediate family’s welfare, and to kindly please not expect it to resume.” MorriganNiConn
5. AITJ For Ditching My Mom?
“I really love learning about mesoamerican and precolumbian cultures (Aztecs, Maya, Inca, Olmecs, Zapotecs, etc ). I’ve made trips all over central and South America to visit various sites and places.
My mom is disabled and in a wheelchair. I take her on cruises a few times a year because I know she enjoys them.
These don’t feel very much like vacations to me because I am taking care of her and it can be a lot of work taking care of a disabled person in places not necessarily made to accommodate them. I have spent the past week and a half pushing her up and down steep hills (she’s 275lbs, it’s a challenge.) and around broken sidewalks in ports, navigating crowds and elevators, her wheelchair broke and it took me a lot of stressful time fixing that, I’ve helped her with her activities of daily living, etc. I do this at home too.
We have to watch her diabetes, fluid intake, etc.
It is exhausting. And I’m a really active traveler, I like hikes and ATVs and exploring places she can’t go but we’ve done shopping, city tours, and beach days for her. Months before we left I asked if she would mind if I took one of the stops in Mexico to see some ruins I haven’t been to before.
They’re not particularly popular yet and a lot of the complex is still unexcavated. Nothing special but still a nice day and it would be a good break. She said she was fine with this. I triple-checked and even checked the day before.
When I came back from the excursion she was very quiet and withdrawn. My aunt messaged me saying that I was a selfish jerk because my mom was very hurt at being left behind today in a port she’s never been to (it’s costa Maya, it’s a sucky port for the most part) I’ve made her feel like a burden.
She had been texting my aunt while I was out. I think this is attention seeking because I have never treated her like a burden, I do not usually vent about how stressed or overwhelmed I am and I gave her several chances to say she would prefer to do something together.
She does have a history of attention-seeking behavior too (if I tell her I’ll do something she wants to be done later she makes a show of doing it herself and then whimpers and wails about how much pain she’s in to ‘punish me’ and make me feel guilty.
Like ‘take out the garbage.’ ‘Give me an hour.’ types of things) but I can’t help but feel guilty if she really feels like that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Considering how much work you have to do to take care of your mom, I have a hard time considering these trips with her much of a vacation for you and it’s awesome that you are willing to do this for her.
It was completely reasonable for you to take a day for yourself to do something that she would not be able to enjoy or even be capable of doing. I feel like the only thing that can be done with this pity-party attention-seeking is to refuse to grant it any validity by simply ignoring it. If she insists on doing something that you’ve told her you will handle in a reasonable time, just ignore the whimpering and whining.
And if she keeps this up, maybe it’s time for a ‘break’ in the cruising schedule for a little while.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ
You’re a wonderful caregiver. Caregiving is unrelenting – stressful, exhausting! Please take care of yourself with strong, healthy boundaries. Don’t let your mom guilt-trip about anything you want to do by and for yourself.
I would practice strong, declarative responses to any of your mom’s underhanded/manipulative behaviors/comments.
This forum is excellent for asking for help/examples in this regard.
In your situation, I would probably be moving rapidly toward a full-time caregiver for your mom. I would not agree to take her on any trips if she was not being considerate of your needs for private time. Just not worth it. To expect her to act differently is unlikely. Please protect yourself.” tecomaria-capensis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are both adults and she supported your excursion only for you to find her sulking.
She had the option to remain on the cruise ship or explore the port. Have a heart-to-heart talk with her; you are on the earth at the same time and she needs to create her life options. You are not responsible for her happiness and whining to others after she supported your personal time is not acceptable. Consider therapy to learn skills to convey your thoughts; mom can be invited to sessions so you gain a deeper understanding of your relationship and boundary..” DesertSong-LaLa
4. AITJ For Telling My Mom She Doesn't Deserve Her Children's Love?
“I (26m) am very protective of my siblings (19f, 16m, 8m with special needs) since I have basically raised them even when I was a child myself and since becoming an adult have become their guardian.
This is due to our mother always being away for ‘mommy time’ (her way of saying ‘partying’)
My sister (19f) wanted to try and fix her relationship with our mother since apparently our mother is getting better and is going through programs. I know this song and dance, she says she’s better and she’s really good at acting like it, someone believes her nonsense, she gets in their good graces till she can ask for money to ‘get back on her feet’ and then bam, the jerk is gone.
I warned my sister about all of this because as much as I love my sister she’s too forgiving and gullible. But also told her she’s an adult now and I’m not going to stop her but just be careful.
On the day she was to meet up with her, she was so nervous and anxious to go alone, especially after not seeing her for 7 years and I could see it so I offered to go with her as support.
A very important detail is that my sister has always been a tomboy but kind of repressed that side when we still live with our mother since she was very abusive about it and was a huge bully.
Since living with me she has gone full tomboy and is very much masculine presenting. I’m so happy she’s comfortable with me and that she can be who she wants. She still identifies as a woman and gets annoyed when people misgender her.
Well, the second we get into the restaurant and sat down our mother’s first words were ‘oh my god, your not one of those people are you?’ With a disgusted look on her face. My sister ran out crying. I told my mother she was a soulless jerk who doesn’t deserve her children’s love and is going to die unloved and alone. She called me a jerk and other names while I left.
I feel like a jerk because I stooped to her level but some part of me still thinks she deserved those words. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom is old enough to know better, yet she chose to kick off a moment with her estranged kids with hate and criticism. She is a broken individual. Nothing you or your sister can do will save her from herself, so it is better to protect yourself.
I too have a soulless parent and a younger sibling who is more apt to forgive. Support your sibling, but keep your own boundaries. Your sis will need to come to their own conclusions based on their own painful experiences.” Apatheticforcredit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are 100% in the right here!! You not only stood up for your sister but yourself! I would gently use this as a teaching moment with your sister as to why you have gone no or low contact with your mother, and suggest that she may want to do so as well.
I would also let your sister know how the conversation went after she left so that she knows you always have her back!
Keep up the good work in rising your siblings and keep your mother away – nothing good can come from letting her back in.” No_Requirement_4316
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mother is a terrible jerk, homophobe, and generally horrible human.
And you’re right, she doesn’t deserve the love of her kids.
I’m sorry your sister is so hurt. My heart goes out to her. Being misgendered sucks and folks need to get ok with the fact that cis women can be tomboys and that’s okay. It doesn’t make them any less of a woman.
I hope she learns from this that her birthing unit is not worthy of her time, money, thoughts, or love. Only people good to her are worth those things.
Best wishes to your sister and family. Hopefully, your mother leaves you all alone soon.” shinynewcharrcar
3. AITJ For Making My Friend Pay For Half Of My Meal?
“My friend and I went to dinner over the weekend. Usually when we go out together, we each only pay for what we order – that way if someone wants a more expensive dinner or to have a few drinks, the other person isn’t stuck footing their bill.
Often times when I go out to eat, I will save about half my meal so I can have an easy lunch or dinner the following day. This past weekend we went to a new restaurant and were each excited to try what the place had to offer, so when my friend asked if he could try some of my meal, I willingly obliged. He then proceeded to eat the majority of what was left on my plate which was almost half of the entire meal.
When the check came, I asked him to contribute some money to my meal since he had eaten such a large portion of it and made it so there was no longer enough to make a meal out of it. He claimed that since we had always agreed to pay for what we ordered, he shouldn’t have to pay extra since he wasn’t the one that ordered the meal and I had willingly let him try it.
I then explained that I had expected him to take a bite or two, not eat a meal’s worth of food on top of eating his own entire meal. He claimed I should have specified that he could only have a bite or two if that was all I was willing to share.
I understand that we had an agreement to pay for what we ordered, but I think it’s kind of a jerk move to eat what was essentially an entire meal of someone else’s and then expect them to pay for it.
So, what do you think? AITJ?
Edit: I wasn’t paying attention to how much he was eating off my plate. At this point, he had already finished his entire meal so I didn’t expect him to have enough room to eat another half a meal. On the flip side, he knows that I often split my meals to take home the extra for the next day – and even admitted as much during the conversation about the bill.
I also ended up paying for everything I ordered.
Edit #2: He admitted to knowing that I intended on bringing leftovers home for later, and that was why he didn’t polish it off completely. I had already asked for a to-go box for the food by the time he asked to try it and we were simply waiting on the box and the bill.
Update: A friend said that her significant other (let’s call him SO) was hanging out with the ‘friend’ I had dinner with (let’s call him J) and J brought the dinner up in conversation, asking SO if I had ‘been complaining about what happened’.
SO said his partner had mentioned there was some problem, but he didn’t know any of the details. J then told him that he had asked for a bite of my food while we were waiting for the check and intentionally ate as much as possible so I wouldn’t have any leftovers to bring home. Since we had always agreed to pay for what we ordered he had a feeling he would get away with it.
Here’s the part that kills me: when SO asked J why he would do such a thing, J replied: ‘Because I’ve taken her out to dinner like six or seven times now and still haven’t got any.’
For the record, he has never ‘taken me out to dinner,’ nor has he ever offered to pay for anything more than his own meal and drinks, I’ve always paid my own way.
Even if he had offered to pay, however, that still doesn’t mean he’s entitled to sleeping together… And I genuinely don’t understand why he would think it would, except that he is more of a selfish pig than I had expected.
So, needless to say, I no longer feel like such a jerk. Yeah, maybe it was trashy of me to ask for him to pay, but knowing what I know now, I don’t regret it a bit and I’m glad I stuck up for myself.
Needless to say, I will not be going out to dinner or spending any time with J in the future.”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ, but your ‘friend’ is. He has to resort to semantics as his main argument that he is right means he intentionally tried to make you agree to something you normally would not have. He’s a jerk for looking for a loophole in your agreement.
What kind of friend is that?! You deserve better. Go forth and find an actual good friend. If you keep this one in your life and he doesn’t make this right, always ask for a box when you order and put it in before you start eating, just to make a point.
By the way, he should pay for your entire meal because he tried to trick you and there should be a penalty for being a jerk.” readytojudgeLOL
Another User Comments:
“NTH. It’s not just what you order – it’s also what you consume. Is he not embarrassed that he essentially got something for free and is doubling down now instead of paying for essentially half of your meal that he ate? Also, is he not embarrassed for not stopping himself from just taking a few bites when he KNEW you were taking it home? I honestly find him to be lacking in integrity.
I don’t know if he’s doubling down and refusing to pay for ego, but what he did was disrespectful, and him not owning up to it just reflects a la lack of fairness and integrity.” TA_totellornottotell
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he is rude and is he really a friend if he will eat his food AND yours then not want to contribute to it, he sounds selfish and entitled to be honest.
I also would not expect my friend to eat my meal if they asked to try some. That implies that they want 1 maybe 2 bites to see if it’s something they would order if we returned.
He owes you money, tell him to pay up, and then never let him taste your food again. Or, if you want to be a little petty, ask for a small plate and divvy out what you are willing to give like you do for toddlers.” CuriousPenguinSocks
2. AITJ For Not Inviting My Step-Niece To My Daughter's Christmas Party?
“For the last two years, my daughter Mia (10), has had a Christmas party with her friends on the same night I hold an adult Christmas party. This year Mia’s party will be a pamper day, followed by a themed ‘dinner party’ and a movie night sleepover. A couple of weeks ago Mia asked me if she had to invite her step-cousin, Georgia (11).
For context, Mia and Georgia have known each other since they were 3/4.
When they were young they would play together but when they got older, not so much. I will say Georgia wanted to play with Mia more than the other way around, as Mia grew out of active games quite young. They still sometimes hang out at family gatherings but there have been a couple of instances where Georgia has had to be told to leave Mia alone because she won’t accept that Mia doesn’t want to play.
Based on this I said Mia doesn’t have to invite Georgia to the party (Georgia was invited the past two years because my brother and SIL were coming to the adult party), but that she wasn’t allowed to mention the party in front of Georgia because we didn’t want her to feel bad. When I sent out invites for my party, SIL called to confirm whether there would be a ‘kids’ party like last year.
I said it was never a kid’s party, it was Mia’s party, and yes she would be having some friends over. SIL didn’t get the hint and asked what time she should bring Georgia so I told her that we allowed Mia to choose who to invite and she’d only chosen her friends from school. SIL got mad and asked how I could let Mia’s cousin exclude her like this, but I said the girls aren’t close, and I have no right to dictate who Mia chooses to invite to her own party.
I also said that since Georgia would never know about the party, I’m obviously not intentionally hurting anyone.
A few days later, SIL called and said Georgia now knew about the party so I had to invite her. I said no, I didn’t, and the only person who could have told her was SIL or my brother so I was not going to fall for their poorly contrived way to force an invite.
SIL got mad again and said she can’t believe that I’m teaching my daughter to be a bully just like me and that she and my brother wouldn’t come to my party and might not come to family Christmas because they don’t want Georgia to be around people who exclude her. I thought she was bluffing and would get over it but my mom has said that my brother told her he’s still trying to persuade SIL to come to Christmas because she’s still upset that I wasn’t making Georgia feel like ‘part of the family’.
To me, this has nothing to do with whether Georgia is family, she’s not Mia’s ‘friend’ and Mia didn’t want her there, end of the story. My mom said maybe I should just relent, because Georgia will probably have a terrible time and leave early anyway, and then SIL won’t hold it against us. But I don’t want to ruin Mia’s day to pacify SIL. AITJ?
EDIT: My party is adult-only so Georgia would not have been there to know about Mia’s party.
It’s an adult-only cocktail party, no kids will be there.
EDIT2: Last year, Georgia was the only child with parents attending the cocktail party. None of Mia’s friend’s parents were or are invited to the cocktail party, there is no overlap.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not because you aren’t forcing your daughter to invite someone she doesn’t want to her party BUT because you knew you weren’t going to extend an invite to their child but invited her parents to a party at the same location at the same time.
There was no way this wasn’t going to happen the way it did. The only way you could have possibly avoided this was to not invite the entire family but to think you could invite the adults and not the kid to a yearly event and not cause issues is insane.
If your daughter was having a stand-alone party any other time there are no issues here at all but the fact that it’s a dual party means it’s one of those occasions where you tell your daughter yes you have to invite her because she’s going to come over with her parents anyway and it’s polite.” terayonjf
Another User Comments:
“By 10 your daughter should get to decide who comes to her party or not. However, for me, it’s how you tried to keep it a secret because that was only going to end badly. You being the adult and supporting your daughter’s decision to keep Georgia off the guest list should have called your SIL and brother and had an adult conversation on why she wasn’t invited. It was always going to be a hard conversation so instead, you decided to hide it.
To me that makes you the jerk here.
SO YTJ, not because Georgia wasn’t invited but because of the sneakiness in hiding her not being invited and asking your daughter to be in on the sneakiness.” Harvest877
Another User Comments:
“More and more in life, I’m seeing this completely selfish, empathy-lacking pov become more prevalent and acceptable, and it makes me sad.
The question is not whether you or Mia have the right to curate your guest list how you want.
Yes, everyone has the right to do what they want. But the question is does that make you a jerk? And I’d say it does.
GA knows about the party, and her parents know about the party. I think it was a jerk move to not even give your SIL a heads-up. Speaking as a parent, if I was in SIL’s position, I would have at the very least, appreciated you talking to me about it beforehand.
Not having to ask you after the invites were given. That seems like you can’t even acknowledge the fact that you know it’s going to hurt. You treated it as a non-issue. And then you doubled down by playing semantics of specifying it was Mia’s party and not a kids’ party. Like, you acted completely ignorant and pretended to not realize what this info meant to them.
It would hurt on a SIL level, I would also be hurt for my kid. I would be offended that you invited me without even mentioning my kid, because of how it’s gone the years before.
If I were you, I would have talked to my kid about the importance of family. I would have stressed that the exclusion would have hurt Georgia. I would have asked how she would have felt if it were the other way around.
I would have wanted to teach my daughter the importance of sometimes doing something she didn’t really want to, for the benefit of making someone else feel good.
Are any of you obligated to do this? Absolutely not. But this isn’t ‘am I obligated?’ It’s AITJ. And I do believe YTJ.
And I also wonder if you would be just as cool with this if Georgia was your bio-niece.” Spare-Article-396
1. AITJ For Not Liking My Partner's Cat?
“I’m branded as an animal hater. I’m not.
My partner moved in with me about 2 years ago, and she brought her cat with her, Luna. I was not against it at all at first. Luna was litter trained and generally well-behaved whenever I had seen her at my partner’s house. I and Luna always got on so I never thought twice about it.
Luna didn’t adjust well to moving.
I understood it was a big thing for a cat and my place was unfamiliar. She didn’t use her litter tray for the first couple of weeks, which again I was a bit peeved at but understood. But she got generally very nasty as well. Within a few months every time I would walk past her she would hiss and bat at me, even with my partner. She’s become a pretty unlikeable cat.
We’ve spoken to the vets about it countless times, and they haven’t been much help. They did recommend these cat-calmer things that plug into the wall and release some sort of scent. I don’t know specifically but it was horribly expensive and didn’t seem to help much anyway. Even now, about 2 years later, Luna still sometimes chooses not to use her litter tray, and we find it in corners.
Recently she’s now moved on to scratching walls and furniture even though she has a scratch post in the living room and where her bed is. I’m convinced she knows what she is doing is wrong, but does it anyway. I feel I’ve tried to get her to adjust but she just won’t. My partner is blinded by love for her, and I do truly get it but something has got to give.
I raised the matter with my partner, and she cried and asked me not to make her choose. That’s not what I did. I didn’t say she absolutely had to get rid of her, I just wanted a frank conversation about what our options were at this point, and if there was anything else we could do. She won’t speak to me about it at all and just shuts me down about it.
I really don’t want it to get to the point that I make her choose, but what else can I do? She’s destroyed my living room sofa, our headboard on our bed, and the room smells of cat pee, I’m pretty sure the carpet is going to have to be replaced.
EDIT: I did NOT give my SO an ultimatum, it’s how she took it when I brought up having a discussion about the situation and what we could do to help Luna.
I never once said to get rid of her.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – The cat is having behavioral issues but people bind with and love their pets. If the cat was well-behaved before moving the change is likely due to the move. I’m not an expert but the behavior seems territory oriented. They’re treating you like a trespasser and they are doing activities that in the wild would mark their borders.
Some less expensive options that may help with the territory would be: more scratchers around the house, a good enzymatic cleaner to make sure lingering outside the litter boxes smells aren’t present (cats can smell where they’ve gone before and return), and additional litter boxes.
There may also be things you can do to help the cat not treat you as an invader. Participating in feeding time and playtime will help them bond with you.
Another trick I learned is slow blinking. Cats will slowly blink at each other to show they aren’t aggressive. Making eye contact with a cat and then doing a slow blink is body language telling them you are not aggressive towards them.” Thaikon_Enderas
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Yes, Luna knows what she is doing. She is expressing her displeasure at living with you and having to share her human with you.
She feels displaced and is therefore marking territory.
As for ‘destroying household items’ cats do this all the time out of boredom. You didn’t notice before because they weren’t your items and your partner probably threw them out.
You agreed to have Luna move in and now you don’t like it. That’s not your partner’s fault.
Also YTJ for calling it ‘discussing options’ when all you want is the cat out of your home.
The details don’t matter.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I don’t think your partner is understanding what you’re asking for.
Professional mediation (not necessarily paid, there are sometimes volunteer communities who mediate) might make the conversation easier. Or with a trusted vet.
Neither of you must like seeing Luna so stressed.
This is also a great opportunity to see if the two of you make a good team through a very trying occasion.
So far, it ain’t looking good.
Try again, but be clear you’re NOT wanting to get rid of Luna. You just want to know if there’s anything else that can happen because currently she is destructive, aggressive, and causing property damage.
Crying and running aren’t going to help, and it isn’t the way a grown woman should be acting or handling this. As Luna’s owner, your partner has a responsibility to her pet – that includes spending whatever time, effort, and money it takes to help her adjust.
Cats like multiple scratchers. To avoid scratching on walls, buy some cheap cardboard ones and put em where Luna usually destroys stuff.
Dunno how to help with litter box training, I lucked out with my house panther and he’s never had an issue. Cleaning it frequently and maybe some of those scent attractors could work.
Whatever happens, I hope both you and Luna can get back to a peaceful home life.
You both deserve it.” shinynewcharrcar
Another User Comments:
“This is a tough situation. You say you know that she loves or adores this cat, but something has to be done. Put yourself in her position and think what would u do? And how would u feel? She probably already feels guilty about it and she may not look like she is open for ‘discussions’ because, to her, u r pretty much saying – I’d rather lose you but live with this cat.
So your hate for this cat is bigger than your love for her. ‘She cried and asked me not to choose…This is not what I did.’ I don’t know how you worded it but it does sound like she took it as an ultimatum and for that YTJ.” BGkitten
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