People Seek The Opportunity To Discuss Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Not Caring About My Mother?
“I am the oldest of four and the only boy. Mom always wanted girls and so when the oldest of my three sisters was born I was tossed aside by my mom. It only got worse when my other two sisters were born.
Then my dad passed away and I was left the only male in the family, unwanted by my mother and not cared about by my sisters because they were especially close to mom and loved being her girls.
My mom loved telling everyone she was a girl mom.
She talked about being a girl mom was her dream come true. I was often left at home while she had her girl’s days. There was never a mom-and-son day. A few times she was able to look me in the eye and tell me she forgot I was there if I spoke.
There was never any shame in it. I did everything to try and be a good son and to win her love but it is what it is I suppose.
I cut her off when I turned 18 and I went to therapy to build up my self-esteem and to try and find healing.
My sisters and I did not stay in touch either. They admitted to not having missed me when they reached out to say mom has been diagnosed with ALS (a type of motor neuron disease). They wanted my help taking care of her and I refused to help.
They contacted me 4 times now and the last time is when I told them they get nothing out of me. I said I would never lift a finger or spend a cent on mom after she discarded me once she got the girl she wanted.
They say she’s still my mom and they’re still my sisters and I owe my family. The oldest of them told me I was being a selfish, spoiled brat who was acting like a toddler because mommy didn’t love him but I am meant to be an adult and not take ‘random crap’ out on mom.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. They mistreated you (this sounds borderline abusive) terribly. When you were 18 you did the right thing and got out of a horrible situation. You cut off contact. Nobody ever got in touch with you to make amends or even just to check-in.
But now that there is a looming and significant financial burden suddenly you’re needed again? No way. You are absolutely in the right to decline, especially after they prefaced their asking for money by telling you they didn’t miss you. Yikes.
Sorry, you’ve had to go through this.” k5777
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the concept of ‘family’ truly mattered to any of them, your sisters would have acted like it while you were all growing up & in the years since you left home; they wouldn’t have the audacity to now try to gloss over your mother making your first 18 years horrible with her openly cruel, systematic emotional mistreatment as ‘random crap’.
Obviously family is a negotiable concept to them, one that they only apply to you when they want something. They’ve never done anything to actually earn a favor from you, & you don’t owe them anything.
As for your mother, you don’t owe her anything, either.
How nice, she managed to achieve the absolute baseline of parenting by not treating you so badly that CPS felt the urge to get involved on your behalf. That’s a bar low enough to trip over, & actually her job, as the responsible adult who chose to bring you into this world.
You certainly never asked to be born, as that’s literally not possible. It’s unfortunate for her that she can’t depend on the daughters she favored so heavily over you to provide everything she needs now that she’s seriously afflicted, but that’s not your fault, or your problem to solve.
All of them need to accept the consequences of their neglect toward you. Shared DNA doesn’t give them a right to treat you badly in any way, including neglect; shared DNA doesn’t obligate you to patiently accept their awful treatment & eagerly hand over whatever they want (time, money, effort, etc) whenever they demand it.
If you haven’t blocked them all yet, you should give it some thought.” Far_Anteater_256
Another User Comments:
“Your sisters are right about two things. 1) you shouldn’t take random stuff out on your Mum & 2) they are your Mother and sisters.
You are however perfectly fine to cut toxic people out of your life.
And a victim of mistreatment refusing to help someone who hurt them is also not even close to being in the wrong.
As you’re not taking random stuff out on your Mum and are instead refusing to help someone who mistreated you and has not been part of your life for some time. NTJ.
Family does not equal automatic forgiveness for past sins when said the family needs help.” Luxor1978
17. AITJ For Agreeing To Become The Father Of The Bride At My Niece's Wedding?
“My sister married my best friend Jamie and they had a daughter together Rosie. Rosie was 5 when Jamie passed away. He was diagnosed with a heart condition months before and was in a bad way by the time diagnosis came.
So he knew his end was coming but had hoped he could get a transplant in time. Jamie had no family, he was a foster kid as long as I knew him, but we became brothers through our friendship. I was closer to him than my biological brothers.
When he knew no heart was coming to save him he asked me to look out for Rosie and to be there for her in his place. He knew I adored Rosie and he knew I would talk to Rosie about him, that I would help her keep his memory alive.
So I did. We are still closed today. She adores my husband and me as much as we adore her. So she asked me to act as the father of the bride at her wedding. She said it would be the closest thing to having her dad there.
She also plans to pin a photo of him into the flowers she carries down the aisle.
Where the problem comes in is her stepdad. He has been in her life since she was 6 (my sister met him 10 months after Jamie passed away, started going out with him after 6 months of knowing him, and introduced them immediately).
He and my sister are not very happy that she asked me, her uncle, over her ‘other dad’ and they are unhappy with me. They say I prevented Rosie from having another dad and that my being so present with Rosie and allowing her to talk so much about her dad left no room for Jamie to fill in the father role.
That he has been in her life for 18 years now and it’s still not enough for him to be the father of the bride.
Rosie apologized to me for getting into any trouble over this. She told me she couldn’t think of a living person she would have over me and that this is what she wants because her stepdad is not her dad.
I told her as long as she’s happy with her decision, it changes nothing for me.
But her stepdad will not let up and he told me I should be encouraging her to ask him and that I am disrespecting him and all he did for her.
That he was there longer than Jamie and the fact he still takes priority over him to her, even in this, and that I am going along with it, makes him mad. He called me a jerk and said I denied Rosie another father.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The thing with step-parent relationships is that you really have to let the kid figure out what they want, and accept that they may not end up seeing you as a parental figure. It’s a hard thing, without a doubt, but you’d think 18 years would be long enough for him to accept that she doesn’t see him as her dad.
You can’t force that relationship and trying to push it only makes them less likely to see you that way. If it happens organically, that’s a gift to be treasured, but if it doesn’t happen, you really just have to accept it.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Honestly, the fact that she asked you instead of him is entirely his fault.
Seniority < actual effort. He should have spent more time with her, made more plans with her, talked to her more, and been there for her more than you. But he didn’t, and this is the result.
Your being present in Rosie’s life could not have prevented him from forming a better relationship with her.
He LIVED with her, so that cannot have been possible unless he was actively avoiding doing the things that you were doing with her.
They’re using that extremely faulty and ill-thought-out logic as an excuse to try to avoid the embarrassment that you were a better parent to her than her stepfather was.
Paying for a kid’s meals, housing them, and making sure they are healthy is the BARE MINIMUM for a parent to do. You’re not a good parent because you do these things, you’re an adequate parent.
Step-parents should take note of how this Uncle was there for Rosie.
That’s the proper way to do it. Good on you OP.” itsdirector
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your niece has chosen who she wants to walk her down the aisle. You have been the light keeper for her dead father as you promised before he passed away.
Her relationship with the stepdad has nothing to do with you, and I don’t see that you kept them from forming a bond. Her mother should be respecting her daughter’s wishes since they make her fill closer to the father that she wasn’t able to grow up with. But they should realize that if they try to force her to change what she wants they are risking their relationship with her.” TypicalAd3575
16. AITJ For Calling My Partner's Mom Crazy?
“So I have fairly light periods (3 days long) and without much pain (occasionally need to take one ibuprofen). I met my partner’s parents for the first time last week and because they live across the country we stayed 6 days there.
Unfortunately, I had my period there and forgot my products so I asked my partner’s parents if they could drive me to the store and his mother agreed. I got some tampons and snacks and got back into the car and it was a thin bag so she saw the tampons and asked me if I was on my period.
I said I was and she said tampons were bad and cause cancer and young people are all selfish for risking their health for the convenience of tampons. I think she is crazy already but keep silent since I am still trying to make them like me.
Well 3 days later, my period is done and we are nearing the end of the trip. At dinner, the mother tells me I am a lovely girl but she doesn’t approve of me being with her son because I am obviously not fertile.
I am like ‘whaaat?!’ and she says she has been keeping track of my periods (AKA she has been looking at my BLOODY TAMPONS) and noticed I only bleed for 3 days. She also said she noticed I am not in a lot of pain and that lighter periods and lack of pain means the woman is infertile because only pain and suffering are rewarded by giving women the ability to produce children.
She then says she had 3 kids and had horribly painful periods and her sister had light periods and had trouble having kids and only has 1 so she is absolutely right.
I am so shocked I can’t even speak and then I just say the first thing that comes to mind, that she’s a crazy jerk.
My partner’s mother immediately yells at me that I can’t speak to her that way and my partner grabs me and tells me to just go to my room and he’ll talk to her). Thankfully next morning we are set to leave and my partner hasn’t spoken to me and I haven’t bothered to sleep on him and he gets mad at me in the airport saying I embarrassed him in front of his parents and I should have just kept quiet.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
That is some ultra-crazy behavior and your partner is listening to this, not saying anything about it. So screw him too. Now he’s mad and can’t understand why you were so angry when someone invaded your personal space and announced it over dinner.
Run, run now. Drop the guy, if he is ok with this behavior now and you’re the one being chastised. Just imagine what the rest of your relationship will be like. Do you really want that?
Edit: Don’t fall for the I am so sorry nonsense it won’t happen again blah blah blah.
Shouldn’t have happened in the first place. One and done.” aPataPeladaGringa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But your MIL is a lost cause. That anti-science, anti-medicine shtick and the whole ‘pain and suffering’ for fertility thing tell me she is a conservative, evangelical creationist.
Those are people who are more often than not so set in their blind, hateful, and wrong worldview that a nuclear blast can’t dislodge them.
Your partner’s reaction is also concerning. Instead of defending you from a horrific invasion of privacy and his mom’s insane ramblings, he is angry with you over a justified reaction.” Mereel401
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your partner and his mom are AJs—Atomic Jerks.
In addition to the mother’s obscene invasion of your privacy, the rampant, possibly willful, ignorance about fertility, and the sick focus on your ability to breed, your partner responded to you by GRABBING YOU AND TELLING YOU TO GO YOUR ROOM.
This is way way beyond his mom’s behavior. Putting their hands on you and ordering you to do anything for any reason, plus being ok with his mom’s actions, is true rage and peak misogyny.
GET OUT.” roar_more
15. AITJ For Making My Mom Cry?
“I (F28) caught up with my mother (F59) today for lunch. I had to give her something that she wanted to be delivered to my house. As soon as I arrive at her place, she pulls out a list of things for me to do.
This is not uncommon, I feel often trapped by her requests to catch up then she springs a to-do list for me. Tasks include: booking holidays, translating documents, buying things online, sorting out their company issues, etc. I am first generation born, my family are immigrants and don’t speak English even though they have been living in this country for over 30 years.
When she pulled her list out asking me to book their family holiday (which I cannot attend because I have no holiday leave left). However, the booking was complex and I just lost my mind a little. Of the 7 people going, 3 are boys aged between 21-26 (my 2x cousin and brother) who are also first generation born here.
So I ask why can’t one of them do it? Why am I booking a holiday I am not going on? Why do I always feel like I have to earn my place as her daughter? My brother lives at home, pay next to nothing, have everything provided for him but yet I have to handle admin? Growing up, I never received much attention because I was considered very capable whereas my brother struggled a lot (because he didn’t try) – I won school awards every year but they never attended any.
He would be promised gifts if he tried harder. I got nothing for always trying hard.
After saying all this, she started to cry and say she knows but it’s what happens to capable people. She can’t trust my brother to book it because he doesn’t care (he booked the wrong flights before).
If I don’t help her, she’ll have to find another way. My mother is very giving and helps everyone but she makes it my problem. However, I feel very bad now afterward because she is rarely upset, which is why I feel like a jerk.
AITJ for not helping to book the holiday and making my mother cry?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I understand why you feel bad, if it is gonna make you feel better, help her, but that doesn’t mean your reaction was unjustified. You are not your mom’s manager or the more capable one out of all your siblings.
And it’s not your job to actually book their flights like what is even that
‘After saying all this, she started to cry and say she knows but it’s what happens to capable people.’
To me it sounds like she is guilt-tripping you, and what does this last part mean? That she makes you feel bad because you’re more capable of handling yourself?
I don’t even know what to say to you, it sounds like you grew up in a very toxic environment, and helping is just gonna make you feel bad about yourself, and not helping will make you feel bad for your mother…
Just do whatever feels right, or try talking to her about this in a manner that explains to her that she can’t keep expecting you to go out of your way for something as trivial as booking plane tickets.
EDIT: Do you work in their company so they expect you to sort out some paperwork or are THEY just straight up using you for something they’re too lazy to do themselves?” verschollen420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’ve had enough.
You came to deliver the item your mother insisted was delivered to your place and not do a long list of chores that she’s either not capable of doing or your brothers capable of doing… nor do they want to learn.
There is nothing stopping your mother from learning to do this stuff herself. Your brothers learned a long time ago to act dumb so someone else does it for them.
Perhaps you need to stuff up a few things (esp in regards to your brothers) so that if they don’t want to deal with those consequences, they should do it themselves in the first place.
I would be booking a cheap hotel with rooms for your brothers close to the noisiest parts of the hotel!
You may be capable but it doesn’t mean that you have to be used up and spat out.
If your mother is helping everyone by volunteering you or making you do the stuff she said she would…
she is actually not a helper.” KitchenDismal9258
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right that you have 2 brothers and a cousin that should have done this for her since they were going and you were not.
Plan this with your too-soft-hearted mother:
You together will call them and tell them that the ‘price’ they must pay for receiving the holiday is they have to spend a day with Mom translating her documents, booking the trip, and working on her company assets.
No day of work, no free holiday. Nail them down to a specific day, like next Saturday.
See who shows up to actually help. If the brother just sits like a lump, no ticket gets bought for him. No effective work, no reward.
If you do not train them, who will? Your mother obviously has not been able to, and you should not always be expected to do this for her.” bkwormtricia
14. AITJ For Not Mentioning My Stepmom On My Social Media Post?
“I (31f) bought a home over two years ago. My stepmom (61f) and dad (56M) helped me financially with the down payment. I was incredibly grateful. I thanked them many times, cried, hugged, and kissed them. I took them to dinner to thank them.
But, it wasn’t a cakewalk of a process or dealing with them. They were very controlling and negative.
They didn’t help me when it came to dealing with the realtor or lender. I went in blind and handled it myself. I reached out to friends and other families if I had questions.
It was so stressful. They signed the document and transferred the money. House/mortgage is solely in my name.
The closing day came and everything calmed down. I am not big on social media but I’ll post random things a couple of times a year.
A meme, my dog, promotion nothing crazy. So, I posted a picture of the house and said ‘Life update: I am a homeowner.’
Things went down. My stepmom lost her mind about my post. Called me horrible names and has been in no contact with me since because I didn’t include her in my post thanking her.
She talks poorly about me over a post, even 2 years later.
I explained when it happened I didn’t include her because I didn’t want anyone to come to her asking for money. My family would know they helped financially if I mentioned them.
Second, I thanked her many times in person and didn’t think a social media post was needed or wanted. She knows I am barely on there as is, hardly post, and don’t overshare.
My dad is split. He knows I am grateful and didn’t care about the post but supports his wife.
The family is split and all her friends say I am a jerk. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If you’d mentioned in the post anything about the finances or how hard you had to work for the house or things like that, then I could understand her being a little offended that you made it seem like they didn’t make a big contribution.
But you just stated a fact ‘I am a homeowner’, and you’re not required to announce every aspect of your life on social media. Would it have been nice? Sure. Doesn’t mean you’re a jerk if you don’t.
I have a suspicion that the reason your mom is so upset is that she wants everyone to see what a wonderful mother she is for helping you out with all this money she could afford to give to you.
Her joy isn’t in helping out her child, it’s in being patted on the back over and over for looking like a good person.” finallyinfinite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Should you have included a thank you to the bank who financed you as well? Without the bank, you wouldn’t own the house.
This is such a ridiculous thing to be mad at you over. It sounds like you expressed your gratitude but she wants you to say ‘thank you for giving me money to buy my house’? I mean, a lot of people don’t talk about how they financially came into things, but she wants you to post your situation all over social media.
No. and so weird…
Keep the no contact, she sounds toxic.
If anyone has an issue, why can’t the excuse simply be that you don’t feel the need to air your financial situation on social media?” Marie0492
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You did nothing wrong.
She’s unhinged.
Be grateful she’s in no contact! She’s removed herself from your life and that’s a good thing. No more narcissistic toxic stepmom.
Your dad is in a terrible position but he put himself there. Enabling a narcissist is a full-time job. He made his bed. Unfortunately, your relationship suffers for his decision.” MagicianOk6393
It doesn't matter that you are an adult. You dad should have your back.
She is the jerk. And so is he for not having your back. You are not.
13. AITJ For Only Allowing My Daughter To See Her Friend At My House?
“My daughter made a new friend at school at the beginning of this year and was invited to hang out at his house. I said yes, but of course, I had to go and meet the parents. We drove to his house after school, and I met the parents in person.
I noticed several safety concerns in the home, such as unattended lit candles, the knife block being in an accessible location, and even a five-foot ladder that was just out for no apparent reason.
After that visit, we had the boy over to our house many times, but I always said no when she was invited back over there, citing scheduling issues.
My daughter confronted me, and I explained that the house was an unsafe environment. She was frustrated with me and argued. She also told her friend what I said, and the friend’s dad called me.
The dad apologized for having so many hazardous materials left out and said he would put stuff away when my daughter came over.
I still wasn’t comfortable with the idea, because if it’s their habit to leave out dangerous items, they will probably not remember to put them away when my daughter comes over. He got annoyed with me and said I was being unreasonable and hurting the kids.
I said he was doing that by creating an environment that wasn’t safe. He called me a jerk before hanging up.
Am I wrong for not trusting them?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, because your heart is in the right place (protecting your child), but I think you are going over the top on safety considerations of ‘normal’, and openly telling the other parent that you don’t trust them when they said they’d comply with your outrageous demands.
Regardless of the age of the children involved, a knife block on a kitchen counter is not a safety concern. Knives laying on the floor of the living room would be.
I imagine that they also have a stove in their kitchen, or hot running water in the bathroom (which can give serious burns, by the way).
Do you refuse to allow your child to visit if they have a toilet? What if they fall in? (yes, children get seriously hurt from this).” whorfin2022
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The dangers you mention would be issues for toddlers, not fifth graders.
Even then, after lying to your kid, when forced to confront the issue, the friend’s parent met you halfway, and that still wasn’t good enough. Lastly, at no point do you mention where you insisted the parents meet you or review your home for potential hazards and instead treat the world as being inherently dangerous and needing to meet your standards of safety, save your home which everyone should assume is up to code.” popenoper
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
The parents were made aware of the problems you had. They said they would make sure it wasn’t a problem. Then you want to doubt them and still say no? That is being unfair to your daughter and the other family.
They are trying to make their oversights right for you and your daughter. That’s admirable. You need to call them back and just say you will allow your daughter to go over there, but they need to realize that it is a valid concern you would appreciate they would keep in mind. Some people need things pointed out.” righteousredo
12. AITJ For Not Telling My Husband That Our Son Dropped Out?
“My son ‘Jimmy’ is 17 and he dropped out of school and said ‘doesn’t feel like attending anymore’ and told me privately he doesn’t wanna get a GED and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say.
My Husband ‘Evan’ works every day he’s a doctor he’s always on call and recently has been asking my son what he’s doing after high school and Jimmy just changes the question and it started to get heated last month with arguments.
Last night I got home and Jimmy’s stuff was being picked up by his partner ‘Rose’ and I asked Rose what was happening and she said Evan kicked him out and I was mad.
I walked into the house and started arguing with Evan and I said, ‘Why did you kick him out?’ Evan said, ‘you didn’t tell me he dropped out.
You told me he got suspended he just wants to live off us and I am not having it so I said ‘School or Kicked out’ and he said kicked out,’ I told Evan to leave and he tried to say let’s talk it out but I kicked him out.
My mother called me saying Evan was right. My sister said Evan overstepped his bounds but a majority of my family is on Team Evan. AITJ.?”
Another User Comments:
“The thing that jumped out at me was right at the end:
‘a majority of my family is on Team Evan.’
The fact that you’ve already divided the family in your mind between ‘Team Evan’ and ‘Team OP’ tells me you’re entirely too focused on the wrong aspects of this situation.
Is anyone here on ‘Team Jimmy’?
Not knowing what one wants to do after high school is normal. But refusing to finish high school because he, in your words, ‘doesn’t feel like attending anymore’ is exactly the kind of thing that is your responsibility as parents to address — because there could be any number of reasons he doesn’t want to attend school anymore, and while some are valid they’re also mostly all reasons for concern as a parent.
There’s absolutely more at the root of his desire to drop out in his senior year, even if he doesn’t have the tools to realize or express it.
Now maybe moving straight to kicking the kid out of the house (which by the way is not what actually happened, but I’ll digress on that tangent) might have been an overreaction.
Insisting that if he refuse to attend school he pay rent, requiring him to get a full-time job, might have been a more productive solution that would have better made the point about the importance of finishing secondary school — ‘I am dropping out of high school just because’ is not an appealing attitude to most interviewers.
Or maybe he needs to see a counselor or a therapist to help him understand where and why this apathy is coming from, and how to overcome it.
But while it’s true a discussion needed to be had, you lost the right to insist on that discussion when you lied to your husband and told him Jimmy had been suspended.
Even if this were a minor blip you could set aside for a week and talk about later (it’s not — this is a Level One parenting conversation you need to make time for), that’s not what you did. You didn’t just not tell your husband, you told him something else; not a lie of omission, but an active attempt to mislead him about his child.
So I am gonna go with YTJ. Evan isn’t innocent either, but not only is kicking him out of the house just as much an overreaction as his kicking Jimmy out but at least he never lied to you about doing it.” Hyacathusarullistad
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
The longer you allow your son’s behavior and encourage him to live off you, the longer he will. You’re teaching him that he doesn’t have to move a finger in his life because you’ll be there to carry him. Your husband was right, your son should learn to stand on his own feet, especially after he decided school isn’t for him.
He’ll need a plan. How will he make a living? ‘My parents got me’ is no answer to that question.
I think you should talk things through with your husband and make sure you’re on the same page. If you both differ in the treatment of your son, he will quickly learn to play you both against each other to get what he wants.” OpenPaleontologist43
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You did not know what to do with your situation although you could have told your husband
Your husband gave your son the choice of school or was kicked out. he chose kicked out. It’s time for him to stand on his own feet.
Time for him to learn his actions have consequences. If he does not want to go to school he will have to provide for himself now and stop living off you and your husband.
I am on team Evan all the way, perhaps your son cleans himself up/goes back to school now (he will soon find out you need money to live, you need to work for money and the better the schooling the more change on a decent amount of money for your work, plenty of stories here about kids staying and leeching of parents for years doing nothing).” N0K1K0
My mother sat me down and explained that it is difficult to be an adult without a diploma or GED. She asked me a lot of questions about why I chose that. She didn't argue with me, just listened. Apparently, she spoke about it to some of her friends trying to understand what to do. Her friends suggested an arts school, since I loved art and music. They said maybe it would engage me more. I applied, got accepted, and graduated.
You and your husband don't have to agree. But Jimmy is too young to understand the implications. Look into online learning. Maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable in his school. You shouldn't have lied to your husband, so YTJ there. However, focus on Jimmy.
Google jobs you don't have to have diplomas or GEDs and show that to him. Back it up with facts, see if you can get him to understand that this one decision will have implications the rest of his life. Look into alternatives to high school. Good luck, I hope it works out.
11. AITJ For Not Accepting My Family's Baby Name Suggestion?
“I (24 F) have been with my husband (26) for 2 years.
My family and I have always been close. We always loved each other and would always arrange family gatherings. A while ago I became pregnant with my husband’s baby and my family and my husband were super supportive and helped me out a lot.
At 20 weeks I and my husband hosted a gender reveal and found out it was a baby girl. Everybody was very excited after we found out the gender of the baby. However, I and my family got into arguments about the baby’s name.
My family wanted her to be named Betty after my grandmother who passed away 2 years ago. I refused and said I am not naming my child Betty and stated I wanted to name her Diana (after my father’s great-grandmother). My dad was the only one supportive of this and said it was my choice and Diana was a lovely name.
My mother came in and said it was selfish to name my child after my father’s great-grandmother but not name my child after my grandmother. I told my mother I never liked my grandmother because she was always rude to me and never supported me.
Me, my dad, and my husband are very upset over what the family has been saying. 1 week later I wasn’t invited to my brother’s going away party because he was moving to London. My aunt said it was because I was being selfish and rude.
Fast forward my daughter was born and I told my dad not to let my mom go to the birth of my child. My husband and dad went and supported me. My family then later asked me if they could meet the baby, I agreed because I didn’t want to be rude.
After I told them I named her Diana they won’t stop shooting me dirty looks. My mother even thinks I am very selfish for not letting me go to the birth of my child. I told her I wanted her to go but after the way she’s been treating me I was upset.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s important to remember that boundaries are important and what’s even more important is parenting your child how YOU (and your husband) want to parent.
It’s important to remember that boundaries are important and that parenting your child how YOU (and your husband) want to parent is even more important your kids deserve a parent that can stand up for themselves and has their own good head on their shoulders, not someone who sways depending on whoever pressures them.” i_gothicprincess
Another User Comments:
“Your daughter belongs to your and your husbands, not your mother’s.
Parents have the right to name their children whichever they want, not the grandparents. Your mother already had the chance to name her children. She is the jerk, not you. She is suffering from the consequences of her actions. You have every right to be upset with your mom.
Go low contact with the family that is giving you grief and enjoy your daughter and husband.” Retirednp
Another User Comments:
“Your family thinks you’re being selfish for wanting to choose your own child’s name? They deliberately excluded you from your brother’s going away party? Wow.
You need to go low contact with your mother and aunt until they get back in their lanes. The last thing you, your husband, or your new daughter need is a bunch of ignorant tyrants storming around trying to control your lives. Establish firm, clear boundaries right now, and don’t give an inch or you will be dealing with their crap until your daughter graduates college. NTJ.” TheRebelArsenal
10. AITJ For Telling My Husband To Talk To His Father About His Inheritance Before We Move?
“Jon and I have been together for five years now, married for three. We have been planning to move to John’s father’s state in a few years so that we can be near him to caregive in his senior years. The problem is, Jon has ‘an understanding’ with his father (Clyde) that I am not okay basing my entire life around.
The plan has been to sell our place, buy a small condo in the new state, and help take care of Clyde in his old age. When Clyde passes, Clyde will leave his house to Jon. That sounds like a really nice and lovely plan, and I am down to do that – if Clyde actually leaves Jon the house.
The issue is, Clyde has remarried (and not to Jon’s mom). Clyde’s wife may outlive him, and Clyde’s wife has children of her own. So if Clyde passes first, she may inherit the right to live in it until her passing.
Or, depending on the title, she may inherit it all as the survivor. This would put a serious wrench in Jon’s plan to inherit the home.
Jon absolutely refuses to ask his father about his estate planning, saying it is ‘ghoulish’ and ‘inappropriate’.
I appreciate this, but I am also not okay planning my entire future to move and give up household income (Jon’s) to caregive when there are no formal plans in place for Jon to inherit anything that I know of, and Jon refuses to speak to his father about this.
Jon keeps telling me they have an understanding, and that it won’t be a big deal, and that I just need to ‘trust them’. He says I am being a jerk not trusting the relationship with his family, but I want assurances in writing before we uproot our life and affect our long-term income.
Jon would be taking care of his father so I will be paying the lion’s share of the bills, so he needs my agreement to do this.
So, AITJ for wanting Jon to talk to his father about his inheritance before we agree to move?
Update Dec 1: Jon agreed that we needed to get our names on the deed.
Jon said he felt like he’s been wearing blinders and of course, we can’t base our life on a maybe. He said he just trusts his dad so much he can’t see how his dad wouldn’t have taken care of things.
We called Clyde last night for a talk.
Clyde pretty immediately agreed to put our names on the deed (and insisted on putting my name as well, since I would be paying the bulk of the bills due to Jon not working).
We started hashing out how we would do it, and Clyde said we would get something drawn up by an attorney in the next couple of weeks effectively exchanging the house for an agreement to caregive until it became too much (ie, needed a nurse).
We chatted for about 30 minutes and then his wife Mary got home, I guess she had been grocery shopping that evening. We heard Mary call for him, and then a bit of hushed angry talking, and then he said he’d call us back.
Turns out that Mary heard a bit of our conversation and had an absolute knockdown drag-out fight with him. Mary overheard Clyde talking about adding us to the deed. Apparently, Clyde told her he was leaving the house to Jon, but Mary assumed she would get to live there until she passed, and she totally lost it when she realized she would have to move out upon Clyde’s passing.
This is not a new marriage despite what some commenters think, they’ve been married for over a decade, and she has been caregiving for years at this point, so I think this was a huge blindside to Mary. Mary packed a bag and left Clyde after calling in an aide on his dime to look after him.
She’s staying with her eldest. For everyone wondering, Mary has children, but they are all adult children.
Jon has a soft heart and immediately called Mary because he felt his meddling had caused an issue and he wanted to apologize. Mary had a different take.
Basically, Clyde has been double-dipping. Implying Mary can stay there without telling her she can’t, so she assumed she could and was willing to stay with him to caregive because she felt secure because he had a house. And she was spending way more than she would if she knew she didn’t have secure housing after Clyde passed (they are in a very high cost-of-living area).
Overhearing Clyde’s plan to add our names to the deed infuriated Mary, because she has been taking care of Clyde for years and gets booted as soon as he passes away! It’s looking like Mary might leave Clyde over this, which will push up his need for long-term care.
This might mean that he has to sell the house. Mary told Clyde that they had a (paraphrasing) ‘fundamental misunderstanding in the seriousness of their marriage, specifically how much you’d care about your spouse’s situation after you’re gone’. Yikes. Clyde wasn’t going to leave Mary penniless – he has other assets she’d get that aren’t the house, and Mary has her own money.
She’s just so hurt he didn’t think about her feelings. Clyde just never told her she’d have to move as soon as he passed, and I guess was banking on her finding out after he’d already passed away, and Clyde no longer had to deal with it.
Mary told Jon he was a good man and that she appreciated his calling and that she had no quarrel with him. She said she appreciated that he had been a stand-up man and come to her personally to apologize even when she felt it hadn’t been necessary (Mary 100% blames Clyde for this situation).
Honestly, I am proud too, many men would have viewed Mary as an opponent, but Jon has such a compassionate soul.
Jon is now done with the idea of caregiving for his father because of how duplicitously Clyde has behaved with Mary.
He says if his father could do it to Mary after Mary cared for him for years, he could do it to us. I agree. We’ve agreed to say that we’re not doing it because we refuse to become a point of contention in their marriage.
And honestly, at this point, we feel like it’s safer to keep our income and stay away from this drama. What a mess.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – What Jon is asking is a recipe for disaster. Stick to your guns on this – the level of needless risk that Jon is asking you to assume is completely insane.
Asking his father about his estate planning when you are planning to completely uproot your life and your finances in order to assist him is completely appropriate and not ghoulish in the slightest. And it’s even crazier that Jon wants to do this on your dime, but is unwilling to even broach the topic of getting the assurances you need.” Superdry73
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You need Jon to not only talk to his father but to have it put in writing.
Dad can either deed the home to Jon now (saving on inheritance tax), or put it in writing that Jon and YOU will inherit the home after his passing.
I personally would NEVER do this, because it means that both you and Jon are putting your entire futures at risk with absolutely no guarantee of a good outcome.
As you state, you could sell your home, move there (when the housing market is still really expensive) and live on one income until Clyde passes (which could be years.) Then potentially come away with absolutely nothing but a condo and years of lost income for Jon.
Depending on the state that Jon’s father lives in, if there is not a written contract or will, then everything could potentially go to his father’s widow, and it will be property/money/etc to use/dispose of as she wishes. She could live another 30 -40 years, sell the home, or give it to her children.
If she inherits, then Jon has nothing unless she wants to give it to him.
Unfortunately, I have seen even blood relatives turn into absolute vultures (which is being rude to the vultures, to be honest) when it comes to inheritances. They will lie and steal to get what they want, and that is sometimes for small items – not even a whole house!
If Jon wants to be ‘trusting’ and take the risk, that is on him.
However, if he expects you to also risk your future and all of your assets, then he is asking way too much without having any protections put in place.
I know you must love Jon because you married him. However are you willing to put your entire life on hold and risk your future in a conversation between Clyde and Jon?” Electronic-Cat-4478
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – talk with an attorney about what is needed to protect your husband’s rights here.
Your FIL doesn’t ‘owe’ Jon the house, but Jon doesn’t ‘owe’ his father to uproot his life and family to come to take care of him in his old age. This is transactional – nothing wrong with that, it is what it is.
And both parties in a transaction have the right to protection against unexpected changes. This is a hill to die on as you could be facing financial devastation without everything being nailed down. If Jon isn’t willing to do the right thing, he needs to go alone and figure out how he’s going to take care of dad full-time without you funding everything.” Dipping_My_Toes
9. AITJ For Not Giving Anyone My Earrings In My Will?
“When I was young I was given a pair of handmade gold earrings from my grandmother. She passed away when I was 12. I still wear them to this day.
So I (30F) have cancer. It’s one of the most survivable ones so I am trying not to be too worried.
To be on the safe side though, I decided I would update my will just in case something were to happen. I left the house to my husband (30M) and divided my money three ways to go to him, my daughter (5F), and my sister (29F).
However, when my sister found my will she was livid. That was because I had said that if I were to pass away I would like to be buried with my earrings as they are very special to me. My sister said that she should get the earrings after I die to be close to me.
I don’t want to give it to her though. It was given to me as a gift and holds sentimental value. I even got my ears pierced again so that I wouldn’t have to swap out the earrings. I told her that it was mine and she wouldn’t get it to which she ran to our mom.
My mom is telling me to give it to her while I am still alive since my sister is already scared for me and doesn’t need this stress. I don’t want to but am wondering if I am the jerk if I told her no.
AITJ?
Edit to clear some stuff up: The earrings are not heirlooms. They were a gift made solely for me.
My sister did not like my grandmother. She even refused a necklace our grandma got her because she thought it was too ‘ugly’.
My daughter has many other earrings, necklaces, rings, and other jewelry I am getting for her.
I am thinking about finishing the other half-finished set and giving it to my daughter but it’s really expensive so I am not sure.
I have thyroid cancer but luckily it was caught early and I am undergoing treatment so please don’t worry!
Edit #2: My sister went snooping and found my will in my office.
I was leaving her only 20,000 if I were to pass away.
My daughter has way more money than my sister. She’ll get 1.3 million dollars after my passing. I made it so that she wouldn’t get the money too young and live a normal life.
My husband has a very good job and makes 200,000 a year so I am not worried he won’t be able to manage.
I am seriously considering removing my sister completely after her crap.
I don’t talk to my daughter much about my cancer because I don’t want her to think of me as sick so we try to fill up her life with happy memories.
Again, my earrings are not heirlooms. They were made for me and me alone.
The house IS going to my daughter. If I and my husband were to pass away, she’ll be inheriting the house as soon as she turns 21.
Last edit: I am going through treatment and am almost done so yay! I left 1 dollar to my sister and mother in my will.
I still want to be buried with my earrings and my daughter even picked out a necklace she wanted when she is older (which she can change). P.S. I am now in no contact with my mom and sister..”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Ignore your mother and don’t give your sister your earrings while you’re alive.
In fact, given your sister’s behavior, you might want to remove her from your will altogether. If you pass, your minor daughter is more likely to need support than your adult sister.
That said, your earrings wouldn’t do anyone any good six feet under.
You might consider leaving them to your daughter, for whom they might mean as much as they’ve meant to you.
In addition to your will, I highly recommend that you update your Living Will, Health Care Power of Attorney, and Durable Power of Attorney.
If your health worsened and you needed someone else to make decisions on your behalf, you might not want your mother or sister to have any room to argue that they should make the decisions for your care.
Similarly, if your health worsens, consider pre-planning your own funeral arrangements.
This could help reduce family drama for your husband.
I hope you have a smooth treatment and recovery.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First off, she violated your privacy by reading your will without your express intent or permission to do so. She would be on my list for that one alone.
Second, YOU are not gone. Hopefully, you have many more years of NOT BEING gone.
Third, as hard as this might be for your sister to be dealing with, I have to say she’s not in your shoes at the moment and can stop the drama.
And finally, your last will and testament are up to you, your spouse, and the protection of YOUR child, it’s not about whatever physical ‘things’ that others stand to gain. Those are your earrings, and they will be going where you want them to go and your mom and sis trying to bully you are just awful.” Particular_Elk3022
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I am sorry about your diagnosis; hope you beat it. Instead of allowing yourself to be bullied by your demanding sister and mother, I would urge you to change your will only to reflect a very small amount, the smallest as possible so your will won’t be contested by your sister.
Anyone who demands rights to your belongings in the event of your passing, or in this case just outright demanding you surrender your most treasured belonging now, deserves nothing. Vultures deserve nothing from your estate. You don’t need the stress and if they keep harassing you, block their contact.” gemma156
8. WIBTJ If I Gift My Niece Some Of Her Grandma's Jewelry?
“My mother recently passed away. I (f30s) was very close with her and her death hit me hard emotionally. I and my brother inherited equal shares of her life savings.
Because I was her only female child, my mother left all of her jewelry to me.
She had a fairly large collection of jewelry that is made from various precious metals and gems, it is all very valuable.
Before her passing, my mother and I talked a lot about what her wishes would be, and she told me she wants the jewelry passed from generation to generation to the women in the family.
My brother (m40s) has three daughters, (f20), (f15), and (f11). I discussed it with my brother and I mentioned that I intend to gift my eldest niece some of her grandmother’s jewelry.
My brother asked about me giving some of the jewelry to the other two daughters.
I said I will when they’re both 18 and done with high school. I think kids their age usually aren’t mature enough to understand the importance of the heirlooms or to take good care of them. When I was a teenager lots of girls at my school would bring family jewelry to school and it would be stolen.
My brother said I am being unfair to my nieces and that if I am going to give jewelry to the eldest, all of them should receive jewelry straight away or they’ll feel left out. He said that I am not the one who will have to deal with the younger two being sad.
He suggested I just gift all of them the jewelry now. I don’t think this is reasonable, kids of different ages get treated differently in certain situations because that’s what’s appropriate. He thinks I am being harsh on the younger two and being selfish.
So, would it make me the jerk to just gift my eldest niece some of the jewelry, leaving out the younger two, against my brother’s wishes?
There isn’t much my brother could do about it if I did, my eldest niece is financially independent and lives with her fiancé.
Edit to add: I want to gift my niece some of the jewelry before she gets married next year. There’s a matching set with earrings and a necklace which I know that she’s very fond of, and I think it would mean a lot to her if she got to wear them at her wedding.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But this can easily be solved by being open about the fact to all three sisters and including them in the process.
Grandma wanted part of that jewelry to be passed to you as an heirloom when you turn old enough. We decided the 18th would be appropriate. Your sister X has already passed that age, so she’ll receive hers now. Yours will be waiting for you on your 18th birthday.
Maybe also include them in the process of choosing one they would like right now so that the two younger ones don’t have to pick the ones they dislike because the eldest picked up first.
Your brother doesn’t understand, this is just another form of inheritance, like a trust until they’re old enough to get into possession.
At the end of the day, you have the jewelry in question, so you can do as you want. If your brother vetoes it so much, then they will all have to wait until the youngest is 18 to see anything.
That way you can be as equal as he wishes. Or you gift them all now but those of the two youngest are kept away from them by their parents until they’re 18.” Responsible_Brain852
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She left it to you.
Maybe this is why.
Waiting until they are 18 is reasonable. It also gives the gift the importance it deserves by doing that.
It gets dodgy if they aren’t all getting it but they are.
If she left bottles of plonk you wouldn’t be handing that out to minors.
Some things are age appropriate. just how it is. And if they are 18 then they are adults and your brother can’t say much then anyway.
Your mum left it to you. Her granddaughters will know it’s special when they get it.
Just let them know that when they are 18 they get theirs. You could even show them which items they are going to get. They’ll be fine.” DwightsJello
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You can let the girls know, all of them, that they will receive pieces of their grandmother’s jewelry for them to wear at their weddings.
That way each of the girls knows they’re getting something. Now if one or more choose not to get married in the future then you can set a specific age at which they can receive the jewelry.
You can even let them choose jewelry that they like personally.
I would have them choose one piece or if it’s a set then one set and you put each in an individual box with their name on it and set it aside for each of them. And if you wish to give them more jewelry at that point then the choices are yours.
I would suggest though if you’re going to do this to allow the girls to do it one at a time so that there isn’t a fight if all of them like the same pieces or two of them like the same set or whatever or if they do then take that piece of jewelry out of contention so that it belongs to nobody, or if it’s a set split the set between them whoever gets what be your choice as the tie breaker. And then you can even save some extra pieces for each of their daughters as they have them so that not all the jewelry is given out at once.” FortuneWhereThoutBe
7. AITJ For Lying To My Brother About My Financial Situation?
“My husband (41m) is a farmer while my brother works in IT. He and his wife (41f) always talk about his ‘cute little farm’ and have never visited it or asked further questions about it. It’s not exactly a cute ‘little’ farm, it’s rather two separate, larger businesses with several employees which he manages and in which he also both works manually (to get a break from the paperwork he hates).
There are also properties he is renting out. I never talked or explained any of that to my brother, he never asked and both he and his wife have made several comments that showed he is looking down on my husband.
Never to my husband’s face though if it helps. I am also cautious around my SIL who has a bit of a spending problem and my brother who always enables her. If you look from the outside we seem like a normal middle-class couple.
There is nothing fancy about our cars, home, or activities.
So, things went to a head last year for the first time, got resolved, and are bad again now. My brother and his wife own a home and have a kid (4f).
Due to excessive spending (two new cars per year, 5 vacations in star resorts each year, etc), they are financially in trouble. My brother asked me if I could help with the utilities or the mortgage and told me he might lose his home.
I lied and told him I wouldn’t be able to. Mostly because of their comments about my husband I didn’t and don’t want to help.
Also part of me thinks that if they sold their still brand new cars and would buy used ones instead or even stop the constant vacations there wouldn’t be any problems at all (due to the amount he is asking for).
I feel like a jerk though as a) it’s not my place to judge where they put their money and b) we could pay off their home and cars and it wouldn’t even put a dent in our financial situation. But I still don’t want to.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s not your place to judge where they put their money until they ask you to cover their basic living expenses.
I am guessing that their problems run WAY deeper than what could be fixed by selling one of their cars or you covering the mortgage this month.
Based on what they have said about your husband in the past, you have to be a last resort. I am guessing they have been surviving on credit cards and high-interest loans for a while now and the house of cards is about to fall down.
With interest, they could owe more on their house and cars than they are worth. If I were you, I would not even consider helping them unless they tell you the full extent of their situation and what they have done/will do to mitigate it.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You aren’t judging them by declining to help them, you are just realizing your financial help is just a waste of resources.
The old saying ‘don’t throw good money after bad’ applies here. Your brother needs financial help, and when you think about offering it, you look at how he has been with money up until now, and it doesn’t look good.
They go on a lot of vacations and have the newest cars, which is fine if you have the money to do so, but knowing they have been tight on money in the past, it is bad that they keep spending this way.
There isn’t an external emergency that caused a financial shortage, such as an accident or medical situation, so you can determine that they have not managed their money correctly.
Your brother has given no indication that he is taking other steps to ensure this doesn’t happen again, like selling the cars.
You don’t lose your house suddenly. So this man (and his wife) mismanaged their money for months, either having no idea how to do a simple budget or just assuming others would help them.
If you helped them out, given these circumstances, you would be wasting your money and exposing your ability to give them more money going forward.
You would be wasting your money because it just helps them this month, it doesn’t change their situation or mindset about money, so they will just be back asking for more in a couple of months. And, knowing you can help, means they will absolutely keep asking for money.
You are right to say no and keep your financial status to yourself. If they lose the home, your brother will still have a job and an income, so they will be able to rent a place they can afford. You can help in the short term in other ways, like offering to get an additional Christmas present for your niece so she has a good Christmas or sending a grocery store gift car, and in the long term by putting some money aside for your niece to go to college, so that when her parents fail her, she can start out her adult life in good shape.
You don’t need to do that at all of course, but that would be throwing good money to a good purpose.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“‘I lied and told him I wouldn’t be able to.’
NTJ
You aren’t able to help him, and you don’t have the money to help him, because you made a decision to say ‘no’.
Your decision was based on your experience with his behaviors and the behaviors of his wife, where you do not trust them to be financially responsible because they are not being financially responsible. They are making choices that they do not have to make, to support a lifestyle they cannot afford.
It’s reasonable to say ‘no’ to enabling someone’s overspending habits and to not rescue them from having to make different choices. You know that helping them isn’t going to really help them, in the long run. You know that giving him money wouldn’t end with him repaying it, but with him asking again.
And again. He needs to make changes in his life, not take your money.
I don’t think it’s telling a lie when you said you wouldn’t be able to help him, or didn’t have the money to help him. That doesn’t mean you don’t have the funds in your accounts, at all.
It means you don’t have the money to help him, because of the circumstances and because that’s your decision.
He doesn’t need to know what your finances are, or aren’t. In fact, it’s a good thing he doesn’t know, or he’d be even more pushy about wanting your money.
It doesn’t seem like he was actually concerned about your finances or how his request would impact your life, anyway. He’s just focusing on not losing all the stuff he now has. That’s not someone to trust, financially.
So, you told him the truth: you don’t have the money to help him, for many reasons, which have nothing to do with how much money you actually have.” blueberryyogurtcup
6. AITJ For Uninviting A Homophobic Friend From My Wedding?
“I (25f) am getting married to my fiance next month. The wedding planning has been a smooth process and we’ve had no issues until late last week. I invited a friend (N) from school, we’ve been friends for 12 years and have drifted apart due to life.
She has always been quiet and not one to open up much, but I’ve witnessed her unwavering support for the LGBTQ+ community numerous times.
N got into a relationship about 4 years ago and had a baby with the man (L) last year.
I met L at her baby shower and he seemed decent until I noticed some things, such as complaining that his son will not be using a pink colored teething ring and that the gender-neutral clothing looked too ‘girly’, and that he answered quite a few questions for N, stared her down and would white knuckle her knee every time she tried to give a different answer.
I wholeheartedly believe she is being mistreated, because she is so quiet and doesn’t stand up for herself.
The main issue is that my gay sister and a few of my gay/bi cousins and friends are at my wedding party, and L does not like that.
They (mostly L) called me last week to let me know how disrespectful it was to god that I’ve allowed ‘the homos to infiltrate a sacred God-ordained union’. I laughed and hung up. N called me some hours later when she was alone and apologized for L’s behavior, but told me she can’t do anything about that.
I asked her if she truly felt the way about my wedding that L claimed she did, and she sat quietly for about a minute before she laughed a bit and let an I don’t know slip out of her mouth.
I let her know that because of recent events regarding the LGBTQ community here in Colorado, I will be protecting my family and friends by not taking any chances, and therefore she and L are uninvited from my wedding. If anyone is wondering how they found out about my family being LGBTQ+, I and my fiance started a large group chat of friends/family to get to know each other, and a few relatives have shocked me with their vitriolic contempt for the LGBT community, so they have been uninvited as well for safety, and fiance agrees.
A few mutual friends are calling me a jerk and unreasonable for what I’ve done, because we’ve all seen N’s support for the community firsthand, and we’ve all seen the manipulative behavior from L and know she is possibly being mistreated.
Unfortunately, I don’t feel I can do anything further and I am going to do what I feel is right to protect my family. So, AITJ?
Edit: Whether or not N supports the LGBTQ community or not (I strongly believe she still does and is too scared to admit it) she is still my friend and she is being mistreated.
Do not blame her for ‘choosing’ an awful man when we all know how hard it is to leave a situation like this, especially after a child is born into the relationship.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend may have had ‘unwavering’ support for the LGBTQ+ community in the past, but her support is clearly wavering now.
It’s your wedding and the last thing you need are people calling you up to harass you about it, or showing up at the wedding and harassing your guests. I wanted to mention (probably already occurred to you) but she may not have actually been alone on the phone, he may have been listening in or from the other room or something, so that’s why she said ‘I don’t know.’ She may not have realized what she was getting into when she had a child with this person, but you have to protect yourself and your friends who’ve done nothing wrong.” RedditWidow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but if you care about your friend at all, I would strongly suggest that you make it very clear to her that uninviting her from the wedding does not mean that you want to break the friendship with her and that if she ever needs help your door will always remain a crack open.
If she is in a violent relationship, then isolating her from her friends, family, and basically support system is a big portion of his strategy; and sadly often the support system helps with that by cutting them both out for his awful behavior – and that then over time creates an even bigger hurdle for the victim to get over if she decides to leave but thinks that then she will be all on her own.
Also, if you can, try to get some information to her (if it’s safe), like a copy of ‘Why does he do that’ and the number of the National DV hotline just in case.” Ankchen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You mentioned that she is potentially being mistreated by her partner.
It is possible that she does not agree with her partner‘s views and defends him or does not say anything out of fear. You have every right to tell them not to come, I would be worried too if that guy is at the wedding due to a recent terrible event that happened in Colorado.
And your mutual ‘friends’ for their lack of understanding and insensitivity and of course her partner are the jerks in this.
On that note, I hope your friend can safely get out of that toxic (potentially abusive) relationship soon as possible. I wouldn’t be surprised if her partner’s awful views on the LGBTQ+ community plus his manipulative behavior is the reason she may feel that she can’t voice her true opinions and agreed with him out of fear and retaliation.” weareallGhosts669
5. AITJ For Being Mad At My Wife For Getting My Son's Ear Pierced?
“I (39M) have an ex-wife (36F) and two kids (15F and 9M). She’s all about influencers stuff, trying to be one since I remember, with little to no results. She posts way too many pics of our kids on social media.
We went through the profile with my lawyer, and eventually, she kept it private rather than public. I am not preoccupied, she’s a good mom, and my kids are fine with both her and her. I guess she can dream of being an influencer as much as anybody else.
We see them half month each (Monday with her, Tuesday with me, alternate weekends, and so on) so they’re equally with the both of us. I thought we got (it’s been almost 5 years) to a point where there was some kind of balance: I am very accommodating, I pay what I owe every month, she’s in my house with the kids, I never ask for receipts at all, I just trust her enough not to.
BUT, some time ago, my son (again, 9 today), kept asking for an earring, cause some of his friends have it, cause it’s today’s fashion apparently, and so on… Now, I have nothing personally against piercings and such, I did have one on my tongue and one on my ear when I was 25 to 30, and I would let my daughter get one now that she’s 15.
And I personally told him he could get one once he grows a little bit older if he wants it so much, just not now.
Yesterday my son video called me, showing that ‘mom got me this (a little fake diamond on the left earlobe) for my birthday and cause I am good at school’.
I hung up the phone immediately. I was (and still am) livid. Plus, today it’s his birthday, I was supposed to go there for a cake and the gift, but I don’t feel like it now, I am gonna go and drop the gift at the gym after practice.
He obviously knew I was against it, so I am a little mad at him too, but he’s 9, and he can’t fully understand what’s going on. His mom, on the other hand… to me, she has no excuse.
Now, if I demand the piercing to come off, I look like a jerk because he wanted it so much (and of course ‘mom let me’).
If I don’t, his mom has yet another confirmation that she can do whatever she wants. I could threaten with legal actions (you know, he’s a minor and every decision should be taken together), but I don’t know if it does (for me and my kid) more damage than anything.
And now the birthday is freaking ruined by this stupid earring.
Am I the jerk for telling a simple NO?
EDITING FOR CLARIFICATION: I am still going to go wish him a happy birthday, give him his present, and not act weird. And we will still have a party this Sunday with friends and family.
Plus, yes, I did say to my ex more than 10 times that it was early for him to get a piercing in my opinion.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ specifically because you are abandoning your son on his birthday because you’re mad at his mom.
Newsflash, dude: your kids are going to do things with/to their bodies that are going to annoy you, and it’s better that something as minor as an ear piercing was done with their mom’s blessing than him piercing his ear with his friends using a needle and an ice cube.
You’re seeing this as a power play, and it’s not that serious. It’s an earring. The birthday isn’t ruined because of the earring, it’s ruined because of you. Take your ex back to court if this is such a big deal to you, but stop taking it out on your kid.” teratodentata
Another User Comments:
“You sound both controlling and exhausting.
You insult your Ex while simultaneously complimenting her parenting skills.
If she’s a good mom, have some trust in the fact she also knows how to make reasonable decisions. Also, even at 9, your son should also have somebody’s autonomy to decide what HE wants.
And deciding to ruin his birthday over it is extremely immature. Don’t drag your kids into your fights with your Ex, it’s frankly abusive.
YTJ” WholeAd2742
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Saying his birthday is ruined is pretty dramatic. But if that’s true, you’re the only one to blame for that because no, you don’t have to pout and treat him differently, or refuse to go see him or ruin his birthday just because you and your ex aren’t on the same page with your kids.
You are supposed to be the adult. Given that you are no longer married, and your kids are growing up into real people with real desires, I suspect you will need to try getting used to not controlling everything. Because you can’t.” Mysterious_Megalodon
4. AITJ For Speaking German To Shut My Sister's Partner Up?
“I am (22M) into learning languages, it is a hobby I have, I can speak four languages by now and learning a fifth. So recently some friends and family gathered to watch a Football match at the World Cup, Spain vs Germany, my sister’s SO and my SO also joined to watch the match.
As the match was getting more interesting, we started talking about some players from both countries and I mentioned some like Mario Götze, Thomas Müller, Leon Goretza, Manuel Neuer, Lukas Klostermann, etc. At this point I was speaking Spanish and wasn’t pronouncing the names ‘correctly’ as if it was German because that’s nonsense, I mean I was speaking Spanish, and pronouncing names in another language is just weird, so I just pronounce it as a Spanish speaking person would do it and in a way that it makes sense in the language since some German phonetics don’t exist In Spanish.
I do this with other languages too, if I am speaking French and I have to say an English name or place I say it as it makes sense in the language even if I know the ‘correct’ way. My favorite is when I have to say ‘Worcestershire sauce’ in a foreign language, it sounds funny.
So as I stated above, my sister’s SO was there too and he started ‘correcting me’ to show me how to pronounce the player’s names correctly (he got them all wrong), I didn’t say anything the first few times because I was just enjoying the match, but then he became so annoying correcting me at every German word I said.
He didn’t know I speak German, I speak 4 languages but I don’t usually go telling everyone, so as I was tired of his behavior, I told him:
Ich hatte keine Ahnung dass Du Deutsch sprichst, Velleicht Können Wir einmal üben damit Du mir helfen Kannst, meine Aussprache zu verbessen.
This means: I had no idea you speak German, maybe we get to practice once so you help me improve my pronunciation. I know my German isn’t perfect but I certainly know way more than him.
He didn’t get a word because he doesn’t speak the language and my sister looked at me annoyed, so our other friends started laughing at him and he seemed really annoyed, my SO (who was also tired of his attitude and comes from Austria, by the way) started speaking German to me and we exchanged some words.
The match ended and everyone left, he also left but my sister was mad at me for humiliating him and she told me that he was mad because I should’ve told him I speak German so he wouldn’t have looked like a loser.
I swear, I didn’t do it to humiliate him, I was just tired of his attitude and wanted him to stop and I thought it was the only way (it worked) but I am also refusing to apologize as my sister wants me to because he is the one who started this was him.”
Another User Comments:
“Dude NTJ, he was trying to humiliate you by ‘correcting’ you multiple times.
If he just watched the match and carried on with regular conversation this whole situation would not be on this forum.
Also, people pronounce different names, cities, actions, and words, based on the language they’re speaking. It’s very common. I don’t get how people are saying pronouncing another person’s name differently makes you a jerk.
I would understand if you were addressing that individual to their face, of course, you would pronounce their name the way they like. However, you’re talking about players on a field halfway across the world to further a conversation. Pronunciation isn’t what’s important in this situation, the nature of the conversation is.
Sister’s SO had nothing to add so all he could do was try and look smart.” Donttalk2_me
Another User Comments:
“Well, everyone sucks here. The guy was a jerk by correcting you, but you, knowing that he doesn’t speak German, should have just ignored him because you weren’t pronouncing right either even though you DO speak German.
Phonetics isn’t an excuse; the sound /ç/ exists in German but not in Spanish, and Spanish, there is no /ɔ/, and this one exists in both German and French. When you learn and get the phonetics of a language it’s almost impossible to dodge the correct pronunciation even with an accent – and I say that because I myself speak four languages as well, including German.
As for the fact that names change between languages, yes, that’s a fact that Germany is called Deutschland in Germany, but it’s called Alemanha in Portuguese, Allemagne in French, and Germaniya (Германия) in Russian; toponyms indeed change in every language. But not family names…
They remain the same. So, do yourself a favor and speak correctly the next time, and maybe you won’t be annoyed by someone trying to correct you in a way you don’t like.” elisegarcia
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It is a gesture of courtesy to pronounce names how they ‘should’ be pronounced in their national languages.
Some people do prefer to be named according to the region they’re currently in, but I have found these persons to be a minority.
It isn’t difficult, and it means a lot to the people who have those names.
Especially in North America, people with names from their native/ancestral nations have to deal with so much flack with their names being butchered by people who only speak English, so for you as a polyglot to mispronounce their names on purpose makes you a huge jerk.” comewhatmay_hem
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You went for the nuclear option for no reason – you could have just said ‘I actually speak German! It’s just easier not to switch between pronunciation styles.’ He would have been chastised for his behavior without causing a scene, and you would have avoided all of this.
He’s a jerk, obviously, but you don’t come out of this smelling of roses either.
You say you didn’t do it to humiliate him, but you absolutely did – how would it have ‘shut him up’ any other way than through embarrassment? You were annoyed by his superiority complex and wanted to knock him down a peg.
That’s normal, but you didn’t even try a less socially explosive option, which makes you pretty petty.
In your situation, I would apologize for taking that route, but feel free to point out that he wasn’t being helpful by constantly correcting you.
PS: Also, it’s incredibly rude to knowingly mispronounce people’s names. If you know how to say it right, you should do so. Even people who don’t speak the source language try their hardest to say names right (unless they’re jerks), so you, who can do it correctly, have no excuse.” Solid-Technology-448
3. AITJ For Making Me And My Partner Late?
“I am, 26f, he’s 28m. We live together as of March. It’s been rough. I didn’t realize how much of his time he spent playing video games and realized eventually that all the talk of his other hobbies was an exaggeration.
For the most part, it’s fine, I have my own life and my own hobbies, so when he finishes work at 3 pm and plays Final Fantasy until 1 am I’ll just do my own thing.
I guess I’ve never lived with a partner before so I honestly envisioned us doing a lot more together but maybe that’s just Disney expectations.
A couple of weeks ago we were going to go to someone’s going away party. He said he wanted to go, but when it was time he made me wait like 45 minutes for him to wrap up some stuff in his video game.
He acted like it was no big deal and normal and that he can’t just shut off the game because he had things to do and people he was responsible for in the game. He has something called an in-game bond and tries to be online whenever they are.
Well, two weeks ago we were slated to go to his friend’s house for dinner. I was close to finishing a book and I knew if I didn’t finish it I’d be thinking about it the whole time, so when he said it was time to go, I told him we could go when I finished the book.
He said no, we had to leave now. I said no, I want to finish the book.
It started this huge argument. He kept telling me that it’s not the same, that a video game is more important than a book because other people depend on him to do things in the game and no one is depending on me to finish the book.
I told him that if I have to wait for him to finish a game, he can give me the courtesy of waiting 20 minutes for me to finish a book.
He ended up leaving without me and told me to just ride my bike.
When I got there his mom was really annoyed with me and told me that it was rude to make him show up without me like that over a book. I explained that he’s made me wait for him to finish up video game sessions and she scolded me for playing this for that.
I don’t really know. Was I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, your action was tit for tat and impolite to the dinner hosts, not him. But your expectations about spending time together are not Disney Expectations. Real relationships involve sharing some leisure time, and different couples like a different amount of time together.
Your partner has an addictive, unhealthy habit that is consuming most of his life, and he prioritizes his online commitments above his in-person relationships. You deserve connection and closeness. This is not it.” learning_moose
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
He was rude for not planning his time better and making you both late for an event.
You were just as rude if not more so by deliberately making you both late to the friend’s house just to prove a point. Worse, you weren’t just rude to him, but to the hosts who were waiting on you.
And, he does have a point that those aren’t the same – him leaving the game affects the other people he’s playing with; you stopping reading affects only yourself.
However, it’s still his responsibility to plan his time so that gaming with friends and a planned event with you aren’t overlapping.” Helpyjoe88
Another User Comments:
“In this particular situation YTJ but overall you’re not. But then it’s a bit ‘everyone sucks here’ too..
the problem was that this wasn’t going to his friend’s place but his mother’s place.
I can guarantee you that his mother got a bit of a different story from him than the one she would’ve got from you. And to be honest, she sounds a bit of an enabler ie it’s fine for him to take his time and finish a computer game and make you late but it isn’t okay for anyone else to inconvenience him.
It doesn’t sound like you are particularly compatible. Couples should be doing a few things together… certainly a lot more than you do as it doesn’t sound like you get much time together in the evenings. Do you even have a meal together? Or is he on the computer from when he gets home till he gets to bed?
It may be a case of reconsidering the relationship as you don’t actually sound like partners but more just like roommates that happen to share a bed.” KitchenDismal9258
2. AITJ For Saying That My Ex-Wife's Fiancé Is A Dummy?
“My son’s mom and I have been split up for six years. For the last four years she has been with this guy, let’s call him Kevin. I’ve met Kevin a handful of times, and honestly, he and my ex are perfect for each other.
Kevin often tries to ‘bond’ with my son and ‘mentor’ him. My son doesn’t like Kevin and refuses to hang out with him or have these in-depth conversations with him.
Apparently, Kevin told my son that he is too old now to hang out with the friends he has had basically his entire life.
He told my son that he needs to make friends with other boys and do more masculine things. My son told me what Kevin said and asked if he shouldn’t be hanging out with his friends. I told my son that Kevin is a dummy, and Kevin’s opinion really doesn’t matter and never will, so forget about it.
My son felt a lot better after our talk, but this week is his mom’s week, and apparently, Kevin and my son got into an argument. My son called Kevin a dummy, and when my ex admonished him, my son said he could say it because I said it.
My ex called me and told me off for smack-talking Kevin and accused me of parental alienation. She said I should be encouraging Kevin and my son to get along since Kevin will be his stepdad.
I told my ex that Kevin isn’t a parent, so it isn’t parental alienation.
I also reminded her that our son is old enough to decide he wants to live with one of us full-time, so maybe she should tell her fiance not to insult our kid. I pointed out that Kevin’s intolerant nonsense was going to drive a wedge between them, not me calling a fish a fish.
My ex said Kevin was trying to help our son and I was just telling him what he wanted to hear so he would like me more and said that I am the jerk, not Kevin. I talked to my best friend about this, and he said that Kevin is a dummy, but I am a jerk for saying that to my son because it caused a fight.
Was I?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Or, you are, and I am just as big a jerk. Kevin’s comment boils down to ‘You and your friends aren’t cool, and also you’re girly.’ If Kevin wants to get along with your son, maybe he should stop being such a judgmental mental defective and stop trying to change who the kid is, just because he’s not the son Kevin envisioned.
Also advise your ex not to breed with this ambulatory potato, as he will undoubtedly try to hammer any spawn into a mold of his choosing, and she, as the invertebrate that she has proven herself to be will inevitably stand aside and allow it to happen as she did with her son.
How is she even okay with what he said? That fact that she sided with Kevin and not her son is bafflingly appalling.” chaingun_samurai
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Kevin sounds like a horrible chauvinistic jerk. But telling your son that Kevin’s opinion really doesn’t matter and never will undermine your ex’s parental authority, because you’re basically giving your son Carte Blanche to ignore everything your ex’s chosen partner ever tells him to do.
Even if it’s legitimate things like ‘go clean your room’, your son can then say ‘my dad says I don’t have to listen to you’.
You can and definitely should shoot down stupid advice like ‘ditch your friends and be more manly’.
But shooting a parental figure’s character and basically dismissing everything he says will put your ex in a very difficult position to parent, and won’t do your co-parenting situation any favors. After all, if the tables are turned, you wouldn’t like it if your ex tells your son not to listen to your future partner (if any).” Cats-in-the-rain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all, and maybe it is time to have a talk with your son about his living arrangements.
Do you know if he would prefer to live with you full-time? It may also be a good idea to get him into therapy. And last of ‘it may be a good idea’. Maybe talk to a lawyer about the different options and what each one would look like and how/how likely/how hard it would be to make them happen.
But first and foremost, have a long talk about how your son feels and what decisions he would make if he was able to make them without any issues or pressures from either you or your ex-wife. That way, you at least know what path you need to take in order to keep his best interests and his health and well-being into account.
14 is for sure old enough to at least be able to say what he wants and why.” Nymph-the-scribe
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. There is no perfect co-parenting method but smack-talking your sons moms fiancé isn’t the way to go. I understand you don’t like him and neither does your son but maybe you should sit down with Kevin and his Mom and talk this out and find ways that best benefit your child.
He’s the most important person and you all should be doing what’s best for him by putting petty differences aside and working together for him.
Kevin shouldn’t be telling him that he needs new friends unless these friends have gotten him into trouble on more than one occasion but by the sound of it they haven’t so Kevin should leave that alone.
You should not be telling him that what Kevin says doesn’t matter because there can come a point in time when Kevin might be there for something serious and what he said actually did matter. So time to put your differences aside and set a meeting with all the adults and talk this through for your son!” ProfessionalGain9856
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay Half Of The Rent?
“There was a recent HOA rebate – one reminding me of a constant argument that my husband (40m) and I (35f) have. He is military and gets a base pay plus extras for various things, such as housing and cost-of-living adjustments (COLA) (though COLA was recently taken away due to a decrease in costs here).
In the States, the military pays the rent directly. We’re overseas currently, so the pay is given to him, then he pays the housing agency.
Currently, I make more money than him. I also work for the military as a contractor. However, I only worked the first year of our marriage and then didn’t work for two years due to various circumstances (frequent moving, baby, trouble finding employment after moving overseas).
During those two years, he took over all of my bills: car payments/insurance, student loans, etc. If I ever needed money, he would hand it to me without question. I say this because it’s important to note that he’s not stingy with his money and never made me feel guilty for not working due to circumstances beyond my control.
Right now, we split bills. He pays some, I pay others. We don’t have any joint accounts because we don’t have the same spending habits and we’re both of the opinions that as long as the bills are covered, we don’t care what each other does with their money (within reason – we’re both fairly responsible).
However, it’s a constant conversation that he pays more in bills because I refuse to contribute to the rent. I don’t contribute because the military covers the cost. As far as I am concerned, that bill doesn’t exist because it’s covered by the military.
If we lived on base or in the States, he wouldn’t ever see that money because they would pay it directly. But because we live off-base overseas, they provide the money to him and he goes and pays it. Because the money comes to him, he sees it as part of his paycheck.
I disagree and cheekily said that we’ll just live on base next time (neither of us wants to do this) because then the bill nor the money coming to him would exist and it would solve this problem.
So, AITJ for not wanting to pay half the rent that the military covers, but he sees it as part of his paycheck?
EDIT: I pay all of the childcare for our two children ($1200/month) and all of the groceries for all four of us ($500/month) without his contribution.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, the payment of the rent is effectively like a bonus or commission payment on top of gross development value (GDV) standard pay your husband receives, so this perk is his salary.
It’s irrelevant whether it’s paid directly or not, it still makes up his salary and the housing cost still exists. If he didn’t have this additional payment you’d be paying it from your salary directly and from his basic wage. However, it doesn’t sound like the bills are genuinely shared and that’s primarily due to you both not sharing any joint account, where say all the bills are paid and you both contribute 50%.
That, in my opinion, needs resolving.” Full_Traffic_3148
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s not part of your husband’s pay. It’s his housing allowance. If your rent was more than the allowance, you would split the difference, but he shouldn’t be treating it like part of his salary.
It’s part of a benefits package, which is completely different. Health insurance is also paid for, but that isn’t included as funds in a paycheck either.
That money is a housing allowance and shouldn’t be used for anything else.
Your husband is totally wrong.” tatersprout
Another User Comments:
“YTJ (mildly) – the cost of the rent should be included when you are determining who pays how much, which it seems you are splitting somewhat equally.
When your husband signed up for the military and in essence, negotiated his pay, he didn’t look at his compensation and say it is $X a year. He said it is $X plus $Y for housing. Whether the military pays it directly or gives it to him to pay is not relevant.
It is part of his compensation package that he works for. He didn’t agree to work just for only $X and surprise, surprise, the military suddenly decided to pay the rent. He works for it. If he quit the military, the rent is no longer paid.
Here’s an analogy. The IRS allows you to give a certain amount of money away as a gift. If you decide to pay someone’s rent as a gift, it counts the same if you give the money to their landlord or to them to give to their landlord.
The IRS recognizes that either way the money was given.” MercuryRising92
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Have a conversation and work out a budget you both agree to. You make more than he does, and he covered you when you were unemployed.
You should be paying more of the bills than him, though I’d consider whatever your rent is as part of his income (you make so little in the military because of the benefits, so they are part of his total compensation package and should be considered when dividing bills/finances as you’ll be diving it based on income) it’ll be good for you, as you’ll be paying a smaller percentage of the overall bill, and good for him, as you’ll account for him paying 100% of the rent, and thus he’ll pay less of other bills and feel like he’s gotten ‘credit’ for the perk of his job. But, shutting down any conversation with your life partner where he’s telling you he feels your dynamic is unfair is asking for resentment and eventual divorce. Just talk to him about it, and be willing to compromise.” MagicCarpet5846
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And if your idiot sisters contact you again, tell them that since neither they nor mom saw fit to include you in good times, you feel zero obligation to be forced to help out in bad. And then block them all.
I'm so sorry for you having such evil people as family.