People Want Us To Think Twice Before Judging Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
16. AITJ For Telling On My Dad To My Grandparents?
“My (17F) parents divorced when I was 6, my dad remarried when I was 10 to my step-mom, who has a kid (16M), my step-brother’s dad is not in the picture (neither is my mom, so we both live full time in the same house).
I’m pretty close with my parental grandparents because I spend the whole summer with them and help them around, my step-brother is always invited, but he never comes, it’s not that my grandparents don’t love him or accept him, but they’re not close.
For my 17 birthday, my grandad gave me his old truck and I was over the moon, it’s a pretty classic that he owned when he was 17 himself and took real care of it, it doesn’t look brand new, but works as good as new and it’s super sentimental.
I’ve loved that truck ever since I was a kid and I’m so happy it’s mine, my grandad and I were making plans so I could paint it pink and change the seats, but it turns out that per my dad’s comment, I can’t since it’s not just ‘my truck’ but also my step-brother’s.
I said nu-uh, my grandad gave it TO ME, it’s mine and I can do whatever I want with it (it’s still under my grandad’s name, but I pay the insurance and gas ). My dad said it wasn’t fair because they didn’t get him a truck on his birthday so it’s only fair I have to share.
We fought FOR DAYS, but I was eventually forced to give up the key so he could make a copy, I despise every moment my step-brother drives my car, I hate the schedule my dad made because it favors him and I hate my step-brother because he just went with it.
To be honest, it never occur to me to tell my grandad what was going on, this past Friday, he and my grandma came to give me a pink plate frame that he found and offered to change it for me.
I said thank you, but that I couldn’t and I just spilled everything, the schedule, the forced sharing, the yelling, the copy of my key, and the fact that I couldn’t change the truck to my liking because my stepbrother wasn’t gonna drive ‘a pink car’.
Needless to say, my grandad was FURIOUS. He went inside and yelled at my dad, demanded the copy of the key my step-brother had, and said that if he ever drives that truck again without my permission, he’s calling the police and getting him arrested.
My dad’s mad, like… real mad, he said it was wrong on so many levels because my stepbrother was ‘innocent’ and that I made my grandad berate him for ‘nothing’. He called me a selfish and entitled brat and is threatening me to make me pay rent for what I did.
My stepbrother called me a jerk and that I could’ve just ‘asked for the truck’.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If they want your stepbrother to have a car, then they’ll have to buy him one. Your grandfather gave you his old car.
It wasn’t even new. So no one bought you a car.
Your father and stepbrother are embarrassed for getting caught stealing from you and your grandfather and getting called on it. They were supposed to be called on it.
Is your sb even on the insurance that you’re paying? They are wrong on so many levels.
Feel relieved that there is an adult on your side. Tell your grandfather that your father is threatening you. Your father needs another talking to.” ExceptionallyExotic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The car is not your Dad’s and he has no authority over its use. The car is your grandfather’s (legally, technically) that he gave to you to use. That means the use of the car is determined by him and you.
I don’t know why your Dad felt his behavior was appropriate, but it wasn’t. Especially given his choice to force you to share it meant you couldn’t treat the car the way you wanted. If he just asked you to share it sometimes and didn’t dictate what you did to the car, it might’ve been a different story, but it sounds like he’s prioritized your SB over you in the case of your gift.
Also, given your grandfather’s name is still on the title, he is liable for anything that happens with the car. He doesn’t have a relationship with your stepbrother and it’s pretty normal and acceptable to not let someone drive a car you are legally responsible for when you don’t know that person very well.
At the end of the day, the jerk here is your Dad. I don’t think your grandfather should’ve yelled at your stepbrother, but instead taken things up only with your father who is really at fault for this.
But you are not a jerk for telling your grandparents the truth. And if your Dad thinks you are, then he knows he is the jerk for basically stealing your gift and turning it into a family possession.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I do not understand why parents want their kids to be equal in every aspect.
Mostly because it’s rarely true equality. I’m guessing that you are asked to ‘share’ things much more often than your stepbrother is asked to ‘share’ with you.
In any case, the gift of the truck was from your grandfather to YOU.
It’s too bad your stepbrother didn’t get a car, but maybe when he’s 17 someone will give him one, too. Maybe not. Such is life. And if you’re the one paying for gas and insurance, why should sb get a key and use it? Is he being told to pay half the expenses? Somehow I doubt it.
As for your dad making a schedule… good grief! I just can’t even deal with that. You are almost a legal adult. What was he planning to do when you go to college or just move out on your own?
This whole thing is just ridiculous.
Your grandfather was going to find out whether you told him or not. He would have asked when you were scheduling the paint job. Did dad expect you to lie to grandpa?
As to dad and stepbrother calling you a jerk, of course, they feel that way.
Dad got caught being a jerk about this issue and he knows it. Because if he didn’t feel that what he was doing was wrong, he wouldn’t have tried to hide it or wanted you to hide it for him. And your stepbrother is mad because he no longer has access to the wheels.
Enjoy your pink truck (I hope you’re still getting it painted). Sounds like a cool ride.” The-Answer-Is-57
15. AITJ For Telling My Neighbors Not To Let Their Kids Walk Into My House Unannounced?
“My (M36) daughter is 3. She may be 3, but she has the mindset of a 13-year-old, and is probably more stubborn! We’ve been living in this street for about 18 months now, and over the last couple of months, she’s been out in the street and park playing with a lot of the other kids.
I’m not quite comfortable leaving her to play unattended, as although it’s a relatively safe street, there are often cars on the road, and the main road leading into our street is exceedingly busy.
This usually means that I follow her (and any friends she’s playing with) around the street, making sure she’s ok.
One thing to note, there are other kids my daughter’s age who ARE allowed to play by themselves without their parents/older siblings there. Perhaps I’m overly paranoid, but I think that’s too young an age to leave them unsupervised.
Now onto the issue – the other day my daughter was playing on her bike with her friends Sarah (5), Kiera (3), and Meg (4). They went round to another boy’s house Stevie (4). I don’t claim to understand the full relationship dynamics at play, but the kids all dumped their bikes on the street, and Sarah went up to the front door, and opened it, leading the group inside.
I told my daughter to not go until she had asked (as I don’t know these parents that well myself), which caused Sarah to ask me why not. I said it was a little rude (trying not to be too over the top as she’s not my kid) without asking, which she ignored and went inside anyway.
The parent in question came out and said it was fine, and that indeed, it was ‘an open-door policy’ on the street.
It made me a bit uncomfortable that we have multiple groups of kids (including unattended 3-year-olds) wandering in and out of houses.
Today I feel like a line was crossed. I work from home, often listening to music and such while I do. My wife works away from home, and my daughter goes to nursery (but on this day my mother picks her up and gives her dinner, etc).
I was home alone, and at around 330, I come downstairs to make a cup of tea to find Meg in the living room, going through my daughter’s toy box, with the door wide open.
I keep my cool but Iead her back round the road to her house.
Her mum answers when I knock, and I explain what happened. She tries to laugh it off as happened in the previous encounter, but I say that I’m not ok with it and that I think it’s unsafe for everyone involved.
She says that ‘I just don’t get it’ because I’m one of the newer parents, and that I ‘wasn’t to worry’, she’d spread the word to make sure my daughter didn’t get in anyone’s house. She shut the door after that.
That is absolutely not the outcome I was seeking – I’m happy for her to go to her friends’ houses, just not in this haphazard way that seems to be happening now. My wife does support me for what that’s worth.
I don’t want to impact my daughter’s social circle, but maybe Meg’s mum was right – AITJ for being the only parent with an issue with this behavior?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
This policy works on your street because everyone knows everyone and everyone looks out for the kids.
The kids know the rules and not go beyond their boundaries.
It sounds vaguely like Japan, where it’s not shocking for toddlers to ride trains and walk around cities alone.
Their boundaries are different and unusual for America and many Western areas but they aren’t automatically wrong.
It’s okay to not be a part of it. It sounds like you are a bit judgmental of them, but again, this isn’t outlandish in other cultures precisely because the entire community shares a mindset that makes it more possible.
Your street is acting like its own tiny community.
Opting out will affect your daughter being friends with these kids while they are younger. But you can’t expect the whole community to change their mindset to fit yours.
I would find other ways to be involved in the community and arrange play dates for your child. I imagine the closeness is partly what drove you to buy there in the first place.
All that being said, you aren’t wrong.
They aren’t wrong either.” EmpressJainaSolo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but yeah, this is probably going to affect your daughter’s social circle, unfortunately. Because your boundaries are at odds with the culture of the neighborhood, it’s going to come off like you’re judging the other parents even if you’re just expressing discomfort.
Since multiple parents have told you that playing with the neighborhood kids = an open door policy, you’re better off locking your door to prevent other kids from coming in and continuing to follow your daughter to make sure she’s safe, rather than trying to change the way they all parent.
ETA: Also, for your daughter’s sake, get to know the other parents. Maybe they have a reason for being so trusting, or maybe they’re all just incredibly oblivious to potential dangers (that you can explain to them in a calmer state).
Knocking on someone’s door upset isn’t going to start those relationships off on the right foot.” alrightkid
Another User Comments:
“This feels borderline for me but I’m going to go with YTJ because it doesn’t seem like you’ve made any effort to get to know the other families on your street and it’s been 18 months.
How is it possible that your three-year-old is running the streets with her neighbors but you still barely know these other parents?
You’re not wrong or weird for feeling uncomfortable, but you’re going about this in the wrong way.
You need to get to know these other families better and talk with all the parents about how you’d like them to interact with your kid and how you would prefer to interact with their kids.
You can’t just tell your three-year-old not to do something that another parent has told her is okay and expect her to be able to navigate the conflict there — she’s three. This is a parent-to-parent conversation.
Also, for Pete’s sake, start locking your dang door.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OK, let’s set aside the fact that you are 100% correct that from an etiquette standpoint it is beyond rude to just simply walk into someone’s house.
There are also liability issues to contend with here. If a child walked into your home and then gets hurt. You are responsible for that. Especially since this child walked into your home, completely alone, without other kids, around or adults, and help yourself to whatever she wanted.
Great that it was toys from a toy box, but what if it had been knives from a kitchen drawer? Also, I’m pretty sure most places in the world have laws about what age is it appropriate to let children just run around without adult supervision. And I’m pretty sure 3 years old isn’t one of the approved ages.” Significant_Apple799
14. AITJ For Still Not Having A Driver's License?
“I (26F) struggle with generalized anxiety disorder. I am in therapy and on meds, but it gets bad sometimes.
For this reason, I never learned to drive. I tried… but I could never feel comfortable. I need to add that I’ve been in two very bad motor vehicle accidents.
One time my friend fell asleep behind the wheel. And another time a truck pushed us off the road. My eldest brother also lost his life on the road.
I am very jumpy when I’m in the passenger seat, and sometimes need to take my meds especially when driving long distances and at night.
My partner moved in with me recently, and a lot of times he’ll take me places. But I also use Uber (I can afford it) and mostly everything is within walking distance anyways.
We used to be in a long-distance relationship (he lived 5 hours away from me), and I always took the bus or train.
His mother would occasionally make an off comment on how much of an inconvenience it is that I don’t have a license and that she couldn’t imagine not driving herself places.
I shrugged it off but it only got worse once he moved in with me.
She’d imply that I’m only using him. I make a point to pay for half of his fuel expenses, so I’m not expecting charity.
My partner knows of my diagnosis and history, and I always thought that he understood.
But he’s also pushing me now. He kept insisting that he’ll teach me how to drive because it’s weird that an almost 27-year-old woman can’t drive herself.
The other day we were on our way to visit his sister.
He stopped the car and told me that I should drive the rest of the way. It was only about 10 km, but I refused and he insisted. He said he’ll teach me and I need to overcome my fear.
I started freaking out and honestly… lost myself a bit. I cried so much and started hyperventilating, that I had to take my emergency meds.
He still believes it’s weird and that I’m not independent… his words are spinning in my head and I’m starting to wonder if it’s even normal considering my age.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: people who are not comfortable driving should not be driving because they make the roads more dangerous for everyone.
The decision you have made is a responsible and mature decision.
Your partner is immature for being hung up on it, and he is responsible for his mother’s jerk-ish assumption that you are using him (even if he doesn’t like the fact that you don’t drive, he has an obligation to set his mother straight and explain that you are not using him and she should cut out offensive comments like that).
If you want some advice, I would encourage you to be straightforward with him: ‘I am not a driver. I am not going to be a driver. Whether you are willing to accept it or not, I have a medical reason why my being a driver is an incredibly dangerous idea.
Frankly, even if I didn’t have a medical reason and just didn’t want to be a driver, your behavior would be unacceptable, but it’s simply appalling for you to treat me this way given my diagnosis and history.
So this topic is now closed, permanently.’
Personally, his behavior is enough of a deal breaker for me that I would add, ‘If you ever attempt to pressure me to drive again, I am getting out of the car and going directly home, possibly to pack your things’.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ, but your partner and his mother are.
Although your past trauma makes their actions especially egregious, even without that, you are not required to have a driver’s license. You have developed ways to get around it that work for you, and that’s all that matters.
If for some reason, it’s a dealbreaker for him, that’s his prerogative and he is free to say this relationship won’t work. He is NOT free to further traumatize you and send you into a panic attack.
Furthermore, telling someone who doesn’t know how to drive to just do it is dangerous and wrong. This dude sucks, and his mother needs to butt out. I’d seriously consider whether this relationship is worth it to you.
I know someone who was in a terrible accident at 17 and never learned to drive because of it. She’s in her 40s and recently celebrated her 25th anniversary, so there are people out there who would be happy to accommodate you.
You deserve better.” NotACraicKiller
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, a fellow adult with chronic anxiety and a strong fear of driving (though I do not have the same issue with the passenger seat in front). You don’t bug people for rides, and you have found ways to travel when needed and walk when you can.
Society is designed around cars but that doesn’t mean you have to learn to drive if you have the opportunity to live without doing so. You are certainly not using him! His family needs to stop.
Your partner is likely feeling pressured by family to get you to drive based on your post. That doesn’t excuse the fact he’s putting you into a triggering situation (forcing you to drive – have you ever had a single lesson? The nerve!).
My dad’s pressured me for ages to get a license (and now wants me to take lessons since he doesn’t have the time to teach me himself), and being in the driver’s seat the few times I have, I know I won’t be ready for several years if even then. Take care of yourself. If your partner isn’t willing to be understanding of literal trauma, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.” MightbeabitMagic
13. AITJ For Telling My Brother-In-Law He Can't Ride With Us?
“My family lives about 12 hours east of me, my wife, and her brother. Every year for Christmas my wife and I would drive out east to see her family for the week. We haven’t been able to make it in the last 3 years and we are really excited to go this year.
This year her brother wants to ride with us for the trip. We all get along well enough, but we have different points of view on things and after being in the car for 14 hours I am ready for the trip to end after 1 hour.
My car is pretty new and I take really good care of it. When he gets in it he rubs his hands up and down the headliner, takes off his shoes, and sprawls out in the back seat with his snacks.
He doesn’t want to share in the driving duties and he just wants to do his own thing or remote work during the whole trip. When he is on his work calls we have to be quiet and turn off the radio.
When we stop for gas he feels we should split it 3 ways (me/wife/him) and he fights me on that. Also, he is also prone to fad diets (by choice not medical related) and we have to make special food stop accommodations for his diet requirements.
Also, he refuses to take advantage of the facilities when we stop for gas or leg stretches and he always insists on being in the middle of nowhere to find a bathroom. AITJ for telling the brother-in-law he has to drive himself and can’t go with us?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If it were one or two of those issues – lay out some ground rules and save an extra 12 hours of gas for people going to the same place – but he does sound obnoxious.
One can say ‘Car rule is – no politics or X talk, no snacks in the car’ but it sounds like this guy has a LOT going on, and he it sounds like he doesn’t have the self-awareness to follow your rules.
If he asks why – let him know. Keep it simple, don’t insult his views just let him know those aren’t topics you want to discuss in close quarters, you don’t want snacks in the car, you have your stops planned out, etc.” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I think there is a middle path.
Sit down with your SO and make a list of rules that you both agree on. For example, 1) The radio and conversation never stop. If that means he can’t work in the car, so be it.
2) The stops are predetermined and limited. If he doesn’t think his diet can be satisfied at those stops he must bring food with him. He must also use the facilities at the stops. Otherwise, he can pee on the side of the highway.
3) He will pay 1/3 for gas, and he will also pay a ride fee. You pay insurance, registration, license, and maintenance for your car, and he is not helping with the driving either. Determine a fair amount and he doesn’t get in the car without paying.
4) Make wet wipes and a trash receptacle available and let him know both must be used throughout the trip so that your car stays clean. Your BIL can agree to the rules and ride with you, or he can make his own way.
A one or a two-hour car trip with jerkness is doable. But 12 to 14 hours? No way.” CatelinaBaylorfan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve tried it before and it didn’t work out. Tell him that you know from the past that you have very different travel styles and it just won’t work.
Stress that he wouldn’t be comfortable because 1) You’ve just had the car detailed so absolutely no drinks/snacks in the car 2) You have a predetermined list of restaurants to eat at and use the restroom, and the food won’t be on his diet 3) You and your wife just got a new genre of music to sample and you’ll be playing it pretty loud the whole way to get through the material, so he won’t be able to make or receive phone calls.
Enjoy your BIL-free trip with a clean car, enjoyable travel companion, new types of food, and a new genre of music to discuss with your family when you arrive well-rested and calm.” MmeHomebody
12. AITJ For Not Paying For My Maid Of Honor's Return Flight?
“I (24F) got married last Monday. I originally was against having a bachelorette party since I am pregnant and won’t be able to drink or do any of the usual bachelorette party stuff, also my budget was tight.
My close friend Beth who was my maid of honor kept saying I would regret not having a party later and ultimately I agreed to go on a weekend trip with her and the bridesmaids. I didn’t feel comfortable taking a free trip that I didn’t contribute anything to but she said that it would be her and the bridesmaids’ wedding gift to me.
Last Friday, we took an early morning flight to Mexico. The first few hours went well but as soon as it was evening, most of the bridesmaids including Beth started drinking quite heavily. It felt unfair to stop them considering they paid for the trip.
This continued into the second and what I thought to be the last night of our stay there. I spent most of my time holed up in my room with my 3 bridesmaids who do not drink, eating food and occasionally taking a dip in the pool.
Sunday morning I asked Beth when our flight was. Beth checked the tickets to find out the exact time and then revealed that she had accidentally booked the tickets for Tuesday afternoon instead of Sunday afternoon.
The hotel was booked for Monday night as well. All the bridesmaids were pretty upset about learning they had paid for an extra night. I was shocked considering my wedding was scheduled for mid-afternoon Monday. I told her I needed to return today but she wouldn’t budge and said if she had to reschedule flights now it would cost everyone a lot and the hotel won’t give a refund either.
She begged me to postpone the wedding but all payments for the wedding had already been made and there would be people flying in just for the wedding so postponing was not an option. I just told her that I will be leaving and booked my own flight.
She said that she didn’t have any funds left as she spent all of it on this trip and asked me to book her ticket as well but as I said earlier, I simply couldn’t take on any extra expenses since I had already spent a lot on the wedding and had a kid on the way and told her so.
All other bridesmaids booked their flights as well. All of us except for Beth returned home. My wedding went well but Beth has been calling me nonstop for the past week and leaving angry texts calling me a jerk and ungrateful.
I originally didn’t think I did anything wrong but the more I think about it I feel more guilty for abandoning her and my parents were pretty upset with me about it as well considering Beth has been a longtime friend.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Step back, and look at the issues here.
She booked it. She purposefully booked the wrong dates for you. If it had been just the hotel or just the flight you could maybe put it down for being a mistake, but two bookings are not a mistake.
She either was planning on not letting you get married – are there any issues with your partner and her? – or she didn’t care about anyone but herself and having fun.
Any normal person booking for such a thing would be double, triple, and quadruple checking the dates.
She messed up, you’re not the jerk here.
Plus she then wanted you to cancel it to stay and party with her, thus losing out more funds, and likely not being married for a good few more months.
She wanted to get wasted and party during the long weekend at your expense. Not the financial expense, but the expense of you and a few others who couldn’t or won’t drink and party like that.
If she really was in tune with you, it would’ve been a different weekend celebration that you all could’ve enjoyed… on the right dates too.” Lifeformz
Another User Comments:
“I am gonna say everyone sucks here. I don’t think she did it on purpose (ever used Expedia or Travelocity, it books hotels and flights together.) But it is her fault and she should have taken responsibility instead of trying to get you to change the date of your wedding?! Bizarre! I am gonna assume it was a small wedding.
I do think it sucks to leave your very best friend and maid of honor stranded in Mexico though and everyone else left. Maybe see if all the ladies could split her flight and she would repay later or put it on a credit card if she had maxed hers out for the trip.” Efficient_Function_7
Another User Comments:
“‘She begged me to postpone the wedding’.
That right there gets you an NTJ. She messed up her schedule so you should postpone your wedding? Holy crap how selfish can you get?
The maid of honor is supposed to work in service of the bride, not the other way around.
This vacation was all about Beth, not you. If it was about you, the trip would have been full of pregnancy-friendly sober-friendly activities that Beth would have been doing with you together. She wouldn’t have left you alone in the hotel while she got wasted.
Thus, I say it’s Beth’s vacation, not yours.
The screwup was Beth’s, not yours. You have no responsibility to fix it, and in fact, you told Beth from the start that you couldn’t afford any extra expenses.
You had such an expense anyway (flying yourself out early) as did the other bridesmaids.
Beth apparently spent her last dime on a too-long hotel stay, but that’s not your problem, nor should it have been. What Beth SHOULD have done was go to ANYBODY other than you, and beg to borrow the funds for the flight back.
That should NEVER have hit your plate, as a pregnant bride-to-be. She should have just made it work somehow and made sure you never had stress about it.
The whole point of a maid of honor is to deal with that sort of problem so you don’t have to; not create that sort of problem and expect you to fix it.
‘My wedding went well but Beth has been calling me nonstop for the past week and leaving angry texts calling me a jerk and ungrateful.’
Ungrateful for the trip that was planned around Beth not you, that almost derailed your entire wedding? Give me a break.
‘my parents were pretty upset with me about it as well considering Beth has been a longtime friend.’
Your parents should be upset that your ‘longtime friend’ asked you to delay your wedding because she screwed up travel arrangements. Where is Beth’s obligation to you in their thinking?” SirEDCaLot
11. AITJ For Not Allowing A Student To Miss A Part Of Band Rehearsal?
“If a student in our band needs to get an excused absence or tardy, we have them fill out a form. So one student filled out the form and said he needed to go to a required event for his journalism class on Thursday at 4:00, which is when rehearsal starts, although he said the event would only last an hour so he would be at rehearsal for the last 40-45 minutes (rehearsal ends at 5:45).
Another student in a band that’s in his class told me that they have to go to 3 out of 5 events in the auditorium in the journalism building and that 3 of them already happened.
I told the student I couldn’t let him miss rehearsal because we have a big game this weekend and it’s military appreciation weekend so we have to get our military songs 100% accurate because you don’t want a veteran coming up to you and saying ‘Why’d you mess up my song!?’ and also because he had plenty of opportunities to go to the first 3.
He has been to 1/3 which was on a Wednesday and we don’t rehearse on those days, but he claims he couldn’t go to the other 2 because he had too much homework.
Am I the jerk for not letting him miss rehearsal because I feel that he shouldn’t have waited around to start attending the events?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – he had to go to 3.
He’d been to 1, there were 2 left. That’s maths even a band conductor can manage. He needed to go. Sure, you might have a chat with him that you’re disappointed he didn’t organize his time better to go to earlier ones, but frankly, that’s not really your call or your decision.
His subjects take precedence over a rehearsal. Stop thinking you’re all that and realize that one rehearsal, even before a game isn’t going to make the difference – I’ve played in orchestras and bands for 35 years, and we all know if you’re not ready we’ll beforehand, that last rehearsal isn’t going to magically change things, and if you are ready, missing it isn’t going to make him magically screw it up.
And let’s be honest – military marches aren’t exactly difficult.” Rednit26
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, the band is way way less important than a class that could lead to an actual career other than band teacher unless a student has a strong passion for the band and the talent to back it.
You also don’t know if the student attended or was able to attend the other opportunities (maybe they missed them for, wait for it, your class or other classes that actually matter). I’m sorry, but the band and choir teachers tend to have an overinflated ego as to the impact they have on the world compared to other elective classes.
I’m from Texas I grew up with football Friday night nonsense, you’re performance is less than a footnote in everyone else’s lives. Let the kid go.” Farwalker08
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
This is the reason so many students don’t enjoy playing music – because of dictators who treat bands like a second coming.
As a teacher, your priority is your students, not the people who listen to the music they perform. Your attitude caused harm to his academic career and will have severely damaged his trust in you. Other students no doubt are discussing their cruel teacher who has informants spread amongst his group and refuses to be flexible for VALID reasons.
How many people may drop out rather than deal with you?
Academics come before extra-curricular. Always. Every time. No exceptions. The amount of pressure on students is insane right now, especially after the global crisis. And you are just making it worse.
You need to reflect on what your aim as a teacher actually is because it sounds like your priority is the optics of how people will see YOU as the teacher, rather than on improving your students’ futures. And that is just bad teaching. I hope these responses open your eyes to the bigger picture at play and your band becomes a more welcoming safe space for your students.” Accomplished-Cheek59
Newsflash, dictator - band is not the be-all/end-all you think it is. Face it - you teach a class that 99.9% of your students will not find useful for anything in the future except as a source for fond memories. Although, given what you've written here, I'm thinking those fond memories are few and far between, in your class.
What I find really amusing, though, is how disrespectful and inflexible you are, of your students' time commitments. It's not like the kid ditched the rehearsal to go to a party. He came to you and made a very reasonable request, to come LATE to rehearsal, not to miss it. And you can't even accommodate that? You are a massive, massive jerk. And unless you're an incredibly gifted and successful band director, I'd bet money that enrollment in band will be dwindling exponentially if you keep this garbage behaviour up. Get over yourself.
10. AITJ For Wanting My Dad's Partner To Apologize To Me?
“My (f 26) dad has been with his partner for about 19-20 years… yes just in a relationship, they still live in separate houses.
Long story short, I got married this past summer, and leading up to my wedding my dad’s partner kept making comments to my dad and her daughter (thinking they wouldn’t tell me?) that she thinks that I’m just a child and shouldn’t be planning a wedding on my own because I’m going to ‘forget many key details.’
As the wedding planning continued she did not approve of the decisions we were making because we did not want a traditional wedding, we just wanted fun and simplicity, but his partner said that is not how weddings work, there are guidelines we need to follow.
The rules we weren’t following included, the fact that we were doing potluck style and asking our guests to bring a dish in lieu of a gift. Or the fact that I was having both my mom and my dad walk me down the aisle together, and we were only having immediate family and our bridal parties at the ceremony and having the rest of the guests meet at the reception hall afterward.
During the wedding planning, she had made comments stating that she thinks we should not invite her siblings or parents to my wedding because she feels embarrassed for them to see the way we were having our wedding.
Even though they’ve been in my life for about 20 years. And I did end up inviting them anyways.
Now flash forward to my wedding day…
Leading up to the ceremony family members had overheard her saying to her daughter that there is no way my dad and my mom should sit together at the ceremony.
During the signing of papers IN THE CEREMONY, she stands up and walks up to the table and says the tablecloth doesn’t look right and she needs to fix it…
When guests were bringing in dishes at the reception, there hit a point where she told guests to put their dishes back in their car because it wasn’t needed.
Many friends and family members overheard her trash-talking my mom during the reception and judging the dress my mom chose to wear etc (my mom looked beautiful)
I have not talked to her since the wedding because I am so upset at how she handled the situation and the fact that she was trash-talking my mom… and my parents have a very amicable relationship.
My dad keeps saying that I should reach out and smooth things over with her, and then continues to tell me that she’s still complaining about how we chose to have our wedding and it was 3 months ago.
All our other guests and family have said they LOVED our laid-back style wedding.
The main reason I’m wondering if I’m the jerk is that she has brain damage from an accident that happened about 5 or so years ago and yes it has changed a lot of things about her but in my opinion, the way she treated me, and my family and my wedding is not out of character for her even before the accident.
She has always been entitled, judgemental, and opinionated.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your dad is a jerk here if she had brain damage and he knew she could do things like these, he should be the one keeping an eye on her and be sure she doesn’t do something that could hurt others.
When you are the partner of a persona with a disability or mental health problem you are responsible in this situation to keep things under control. Negative points to dad here.
If there is no brain damage-related behavior, your dad forgets that you are the offended person here, she should be apologizing to you not backward, he is prioritizing her over you forcing you to be a doormat, not a higher person.
Be clear that you will forgive and rekindle your relationship with her only when you receive an honest apology for her behavior and not just excuses.” Average-Joe78
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Yet another instance where someone thinks their version of what a wedding should be is the only acceptable version.
Good grief.
She was completely out of line from the get-go and I don’t understand how she was allowed to get away with it for so long, much less being so heavy-handed DURING the wedding. Did you or your dad try to talk to her and strongly tell her that it was your wedding, not hers, and you were going to do it the way you liked and that if she didn’t like it, she could just stay away? Or did everyone move wearily around her and just hope she’d get over it?
Clearly, someone needs to put the kibosh on her attitude.
Your dad should be the one telling her, strongly, that she was completely out of line and that she owes you, your husband, and your mom an apology. Her behavior was completely unacceptable.
As for the accident and brain damage, that’s unfortunate.
However, it doesn’t seem to have stopped her from functioning in the world as a mother, a homeowner, and a wedding wrecker. A disability is no excuse for such behavior. If she’s unable to control herself and keep her opinions about your wedding to herself at least during the event, then she should have stayed home.
Again, your dad should be reining her in on this – and should have done so from the minute she started raising a ruckus during the planning stages. He’s the one who has the primary relationship with her and he should not condone her treating you that way.
As for the rest, everyone needs to stop rehashing it. This is between you, your mom, your dad, and the girl. You don’t mention how your husband fits in here, so I’ll assume he’s backing you and otherwise staying out of it.
Talk to her and tell her how terribly disappointed you are in her actions during your wedding. It was your day and she spoiled a large part of it and embarrassed herself and you. You do not owe her an apology; she owes you one (several, actually).
Your dad needs to stop playing both sides. He’s placating her, guilting you into apologizing to her for her actions (which makes no sense at all) and still stirring the pot by complaining about her to you.
That’s a toxic mix.
Clear the air with her. She may apologize, or she may just double down and be a jerk. But clear the air anyway. Get it out of your system so you can move forward and enjoy your marriage.
If your dad or anyone else starts telling you about how she’s still making a stink about things, stop them and tell them that matter is over, next subject. Concentrate on the good stuff.
Congrats on your marriage.
Hope it’s a long and happy one. Your non-traditional celebration sounds lovely.” The-Answer-Is-57
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
A big congratulations on your wedding. There is no one way to do a wedding. Really the only ‘must haves’ are the marriage license and somebody legally able to perform the ceremony.
Done & done, the rest is all up to you. It sounds like you had the wedding YOU wanted to have and it sounds like it was wonderful.
Good lord, she sounds obnoxious. Honestly, maybe the traumatic brain injury could be affecting her impulse control – if she has always been judgmental, etc like you say it could have exacerbated that negative part of her thinking.
You know her – do you think without the accident she would have walked up mid-ceremony to fix the tablecloth? She sounds like somebody whose ‘filter’ got broken so whatever she thinks comes straight out her mouth.
Even if that was a contributing factor – she behaved terribly. Your DAD is also a passive jerk in this – if he heard/saw her doing and saying these things (for months) – that woman is his partner, cognitive disability or not he should have kept an eye on her and made sure she was safe and not trash-talking.” CarrieCat62
9. AITJ For Not Letting My Friends Stay At My Apartment?
“I (23F) have been living in Paris for a year now. I live with a roommate and our relationship isn’t horrible but we are not what you would call friends.
One of my friends (23F) asked to stay at my apartment during a trip to Paris.
I always made it clear that if she wanted to come during the weekend I was more than happy to welcome her (for free as she is my friend).
She did not forget about the free stay offer AND wanted to stay at my place with a friend of hers that I don’t know, while I was away, leaving my roommate alone with two girls she didn’t know (and them without keys even though she demanded I gave them to her).
I was really uncomfortable and I originally told her no for multiple reasons: I wouldn’t be home and was uncomfortable leaving my roommate with people she never met. I didn’t know her friend. I only had space for one extra person.
I was working on the days she planned to stay at my place. It was my birthday and I was going back home to spend it with my friends, her included but she forgot it and planned the trip anyways (which I kind of excused because you don’t check your friends’ birthdays when planning a trip).
She wouldn’t take no for an answer and I cave in because I knew she didn’t have a lot of funds.
Then came D-day, AKA my birthday. I was on the train leaving my family and crying (my dad has terminal cancer).
I told her that my roommate would open the door at 10 AM for them to drop off their bags and go on with their activities.
She refused to say that they had an after party – which ends at 6 am – and won’t make it on time (I thought alarm clocks were designed for that purpose but apparently I was wrong).
Gave them another time, and they didn’t show up. During that time, my laptop bag broke and I asked her if she could help me at 10 PM (3 mins by foot from the apartment) she told me she wouldn’t be there.
I was fuming. I was already emotional from leaving my family, and even if I gave her and her friend a place to stay for free IN PARIS she didn’t wish me a happy birthday and was incapable of helping me let alone being on time (I worked the next day).
I told her that I had enough and her response was ‘stop complaining I had a hard time going to so many parties is exhausting and oh! I didn’t bring the inflatable mattress I was supposed to so we’ll squeeze in your bed’.
AND that’s when I might have been the jerk.
I lost my mind… screamed on the train telling her to get lost, that she never respected me like that in my whole life, and that I was shocked to see that behavior from her after all the things I helped her with.
I eventually told her to find somewhere else to sleep around 10:30 PM.
She told me she was shocked I reacted like that and that I was in the wrong for doing so. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You tried to honor your invitation to her, but she put up one roadblock after another… didn’t check with you in advance of booking her transportation, extended your invitation to a second person without checking with you, demanding about keys, and not accommodating the times you were available to do this favor, was a no show, whining about all her parties while you’re in the middle of a traumatic family life event, failed to pack necessities and expected to impose on you even more… she sounds like ‘good riddance’.
I’m so sorry about your dad. I lost mine to cancer in my 20s too. It’s harder than most people can even imagine. Hang in there.” EstherVCA
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your roommate doesn’t pay rent to suddenly have randos staying in the apartment unsupervised and crowding her out of her own space.
One of whom you don’t even know. You’re a jerk. And given how disrespectful they were of you, you know they were awful to your roommate.
Your friend is not your friend, obviously. Do you really think you’d ever hear from her again if you didn’t live in Paris to be of use to her?
Buy your roommate dinner and flowers, or pay for a week of her rent this month.
It’s the least you can do. I don’t care how you feel about the whole thing, you need to make it right with your Roommate before thinking about your own feelings.” LadyMacGuffin
Another User Comments:
“She was acting like you were her personal concierge! Although I don’t think you’re the jerk, given her behavior, I do think you should have been much more firm in the beginning and said a firm NO. So, learn from this. You don’t have to let yourself be bullied into things. The more you say No, the easier it gets.
NTJ” TrayMc666
8. AITJ For Getting My Room Back?
“So back in August of 2021 my brother got a girl. I was shocked because he’s a bum who’s never had any sort of job and doesn’t shower and has never done a chore in his life (I’m not exaggerating).
His room smells gross and is only cleaned once a year when my mom and aunts come together to do a huge deep clean that the entire household needs to evacuate for. He just rots away in his room all day, my dad pays for what he needs and my mom does all his chores he should be doing like laundry, cleaning his room, and other basic stuff.
I assumed she would be a weirdo because who else would want him but I was shocked to find out she was actually really nice and cool. I warned her many times about him and the way he truly is but she constantly made excuses for his nasty behavior and I was like okay suit yourself.
She ends up getting pregnant and while she was pregnant she got sick so she had to quit her job and her aunt kicked her out for not paying her rent so she ended up moving in with us.
My parents have a room, my brother has a room, and I and my sister shared a room but she moved out with her partner last year so we converted it to just my room. When my brother’s partner got kicked out she moved in with us but into the living room because my brother refused to share his room saying it was too small and his gaming stuff takes up too much space.
It was really sad and she would cry a lot at night. I let her stay in my room and she shared a room with me during her whole pregnancy and we got close. It was my senior year and I was going to move out to my dorm so it was our plan that she keeps my room after I leave.
She had my nephew in August and that’s when I moved out. My school is 20 minutes away from my house and my dorm ended up getting infested with roaches and mice it was disgusting. My school offered students within commute distance the option of free parking and reimbursement and for other students, they gave them a hotel.
That meant I would have to move back home.
I told everyone this and they all knew I was coming back. I assumed that my brother’s partner who I hadn’t really spoken to since I moved out knew I wanted my room back but she acted surprised when I said I did.
She asked where she and the baby were supposed to stay and I said to ask my brother. Either in his room or the living room? I told her to tell him to move into the living room so she could stay in his room and she started crying saying I’m the jerk and even refusing to move her and the baby’s stuff stay it’s HER room.
I was furious, that’s been my room for 14 years and I only moved out for school, I was going to stay in my room during the summers. My parents are on my side and told her to move her stuff and she did and now she and my brother are calling me a jerk because she and my nephew are living in the living room and that’s my fault.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The only silver lining here is your parents are FINALLY getting fed up with the whole situation your brother has caused. They have enabled this for long enough and they need to stop, like last year.
He needs to get himself together. These are HIS partner and HIS child. HE needs to figure this situation out WITH HER. Not you.
It is YOUR room and you need it. It was always the plan of you coming back during holidays/summer etc.
It was NEVER HERS, to begin with. You and your parents kindly let her move in/room share during her pregnancy.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and you never really moved out! You were away at school, but the plan was ALWAYS to go home for holidays and summers, and presumably, you were NEVER on board with sharing your room with an infant.
The plan was for her to be in the living room except that you were nice enough to share while she was pregnant & loan her the use of your room while it was empty during the time you were at school.
There was nothing to disrupt – She would have been in the living room for your holidays and summers anyway. That this entitled fit is happening now instead of later is just the timing. That she is directing it at you instead of your brother – her partner, father of her child, and the actual problem, is because she knows you are nice and thinks you will cave while knowing he won’t.
Do not give in to this. If you have any sentimental items stored in your room, I would seriously discuss not letting her back into your room when you go back with your parents.” Skye_Reading
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your brother needs to step up and start taking care of himself and his family. His gaming stuff is just going to have to fit wherever it does — or go away. Make adult choices, and have adult responsibilities.
Since your parents were also expecting you to use the room every summer while you’re in school, you’re not doing anything but moving up the date you’ll be back. You’re not sending her to a homeless shelter, you’re relocating all of her and her baby’s stuff to the living room until your brother clears the swamp to make room for his family, which he is responsible for.
Sounds like it’s time for a wakeup session for mommy and daddy that parenthood gives you adult responsibilities like applying for child-based welfare, food stamps, job training, and getting a job so you have a place to live that’s all your own.” MmeHomebody
7. AITJ For Declining A Friend's Wedding Invitation?
“I have known my friend for at least 12 years, supported her through health problems and a marriage breakdown, she’s been there when I’ve needed it too, we’ve seen each other through some tough times together and I and have loved her dearly through it all.
Last year she met a new man and they’re getting married soon and of course, I couldn’t be happier for her. He’s lovely, very clever, very kind and he’s crazy about her. This isn’t the first wedding for either of them and he’s quite well off, so they’re having something of a posh but small-ish wedding ceremony where his family is and a reception here where she lives, all very exciting.
Which makes my question all the more awkward. She’s very specifically invited me but not my partner to the wedding reception. I’ve spoken to the few friends we have in common and they’ve all had partners included – one husband that’s going has never met her.
Which means if I did go, I’d be on my own all day. She and my other half have never fallen out and while I guess he might not be her favorite person in the world, he is mine.
He’s not all that posh and yes, they’re very different people, but not to put a too fine point on it, that didn’t seem to matter much when furniture needed moving or cars needed checking out before buying.
But when it comes to a reception in a very posh hotel, it seems to be a thing.
She sent an invitation through with a cover note saying numbers were limited, the invitation is just for me and she hopes he understands.
I didn’t show it to him, that just seemed unnecessarily hurtful.
So I wrote her what I thought was a very loving letter, saying that I won’t be there with her on the day, that I totally understand that numbers are limited but that I’m very happy for her and will be thinking of her on the day I can’t wait to hear all about it.
I suggested we have a nice long lunch after the event and she can tell me every detail. I’ve just come home to find the letter back through the letterbox, torn into pieces.
Have I been a jerk? Should I have just accepted the invitation and smiled?
UPDATE: She’s just called in tears.
Apparently, his (very, they’re 30-odd) adult children and much of his family have refused to come to the London thing, long story but they don’t approve of the swift wedding and it’s causing enormous pain to them both, which I understand.
She apologized profusely for tearing up my letter and says she acted so awfully because she was so stressed and upset and is very ashamed of herself. She got a few refusals today and apparently mine was something of a lightning rod for her emotions, that’s why she did what she did.
My partner wasn’t in the least bit offended at not being invited in the end and her excuse for not inviting him was that she thought he wouldn’t be comfortable. That still sticks with me a little bit for some reason but I’m letting it go.
She says he’s more than welcome if he’d like to come (yes I am ignoring the fact that he’s clearly a space filler now) and we’re probably going because I don’t want to add to her distress but I’ll talk to him when he wakes up.
MORNING UPDATE: I’ve had a very long talk with my partner. He thinks we should go, keep the peace and be happy for her. He thinks she’ll have another drama about something else soon enough and I think he makes a good point.
I won’t mention the ripped-up letter to anyone, or the invite upset, we’re just going to pretend it never happened. He reserves the right to tell her that he’s coming in a dinosaur costume though and I think that’s fair (he won’t actually do it, obviously).
I’m not keen to lose a friend and I’ll try not to, but I probably won’t rely on her quite as much as I have in the past.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She is allowed to invite anyone she wants, but that has consequences, and this is her chickens coming home to roost.
It is considered rude to invite people without their partner; though it is more acceptable if the wedding is very intimate/small. But if you genuinely think she didn’t invite him because he isn’t posh, then that makes her not a very nice person.
I think it’s also rude that she invited partners for the rest of your group but singled him out. Either all friends get their long-term partners invited or none of them do – mixing and matching is rude.
However, nobody is obliged to attend a wedding unless they are the bride or groom. She invited you sans partner and you politely declined. She has no right to complain.” linerva
Another User Comments:
“Personally I wouldn’t have even been as nice as you were, I would have directly addressed the fact that my partner is being singled out compared to other people’s random ass partners that have never met her, and that I find this incredibly disrespectful and rude.
I would NOT tolerate my partner being snubbed like that and I don’t see why mince words and be ‘nice’ and polite towards someone who is supposed to be your friend when they’re clearly making a huge faux pas and being incredibly rude.
If the husbands she’s never met made the cut, I don’t see how it’s acceptable for your partner who has helped them move and other random favors through the years, would not warrant an invite.
The reaction on your ‘friend’s’ part is also incredibly telling of her entitlement and the fact that she likely expected you to roll over and go along with whatever she said… yet another reason why this situation warranted a firm ‘you got me screwed up’ response instead of a sweet apologetic refusal.
It should have been YOU who was the indignant one, not the other way around!
NTJ for refusing her invite but tbh I feel like this is a wake-up call about the dangers of not directly addressing people’s transgressions for the sake of keeping the peace and not rocking the boat.
Would this ‘friendship’ have made it this far if you’d been in the habit of calling this friend out when she does trashy things? Somehow I highly doubt this is the first questionable thing she has done.
Do not – I repeat – DO NOT apologize to her. She will probably be expecting YOU to grovel and earn her good graces back, and if so, you know she only keeps you around because you’re quick to bend over and let her do as she pleases even if it means disrespecting you.” Choice_Profession180
Another User Comments:
“Has this friendship been one-sided, only you supporting her? Odd she was so furious she traveled to your house to tear up your letter in your letterbox.
Then hours later audaciously called you expecting your support because she needed it. If your close friend of 12 years wrote you a letter you found momentarily offensive, would you do that?
Her explanation of not inviting your Husband because she predicted his discomfort & thought he wouldn’t mind isn’t a strong one.
Wouldn’t that be for him to decide? Similarly, her explanation of ripping up your letter due to wedding stress isn’t strong. No matter your age, if you’re marrying someone within a year of meeting them, shouldn’t you expect people to have their concerns? Especially family? That’s usual.
People don’t want to see their loved ones ‘marry in haste, repent at leisure’ as the saying goes. Even as an internet stranger, when I read that they met last year, my 1st thought was ‘a relationship moving incredibly fast is a classic sign of an abusive relationship I hope everything’s ok’. NTJ” excel_pager_420
6. AITJ For Getting A Rhinoplasty Before My Brother's Wedding?
“My (24f) brother’s fiancé and I don’t get along. She will always find a way to vilify me, and she is slightly insufferable. She will call me an ableist for taking meds for my ADHD. She will call me a flirt for not having a partner or a husband, but if I get a man, she will call me a flirt.
She literally got mad at me for getting a scholarship because other people need it more than I do. She said that it was cultural appropriation to Asians when I dyed my hair black once. She gives off major uptight vibes, and we don’t get along, but it’s fine.
I have always been insecure about my nose, pretty much since I was 11. I kind of have a combination of a Belgian nose and an aquiline nose. My nose is okay in front view, but my side profile sucks.
I have spent a while trying to embrace it, and I feel less bothered by it now. But it would really boost my confidence to get a nose job, and I can finally afford it.
I am a groomsmaid at my brother’s wedding.
His fiancé did not want me to be a bridesmaid, but he insisted on making me a groomsmaid. They were debating this for a while, so initially, I thought I would be a guest. My rhinoplasty was scheduled two months in advance, and it would be free to cancel it, but it would just be a hassle.
I would have to schedule it all over again and find a new surgeon, which would most likely cost more and be less trustworthy. If the arrangements stay the same, I would get my nose job a week before the wedding and I have no idea whether I would be able to take my cast off or not by then.
There would still be swelling.
My brother’s fiancé said that she did not want me all swollen up in her wedding pictures and that it would gross her and her sensory issues out immensely. I said that I did not have to be in photos, or at least just a few.
I would try my best to conceal my bruises from the rhinoplasty. My brother came to me and said that his fiancé was feeling very stressed out and did not know what to do, so what do you think? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, obviously.
Your future SIL sounds horrendous. I’m not suggesting you reschedule the surgery (also, go you!), but DO be honest with yourself about your own comfort. It’s a major surgery… one week out, your cast may be off, but you’ll prob still have a lot of bruising/swelling.
Be prepared for questions about your well-being… other guests who are unaware of your surgery may think that you’ve been in a car accident or even assaulted and inquire about it (I’d say more out of concern/mild nosiness, no pun intended at all)…
if you’re cool with the questions and that sort of attention (in general, not because it may deflect from your future SIL), by all means, go for it.” just_hear_4_the_tip
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The purpose of wedding photos is to remember the day and the people who showed up to support you.
Other people do not have to make drastic changes so the couple gets ‘nice’ photos: the photos are nice if there are people you care about in them. You don’t have to reschedule surgeries, hide mobility aids, scars, or medical conditions, dye your hair, or wear a wig.
Anyone who asks you to do that kind of thing cares more about the ‘look’ than the actual people and is missing the point.” chernaboggles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but the timing could be better. Having been a head and neck nurse during my first 4 years, you will likely have bruising and possibly swelling still.
And depending on when they pull the packing it could get dicey. Plus, I don’t think I’d want to subject my still-healing nose to a party where people could get a bit crazy and I could re-break it.
And given the mistreatment, your soon-to-be SIL dishes out, it would not surprise me if she did something to get you out of there. I would not chance it. Rhinoplasty while a common procedure is still a pretty decent procedure and people react very differently to it.
While you are totally fine, you may also experience issues too and put yourself potentially at risk before a major family event. I’d wait until after. I really wouldn’t trust SIL based on what you’re saying here.
And I’m not understanding why you’d have to find a brand new surgeon if you rescheduled this procedure. If this one is giving you a “too good to be true” price for the surgery and the timing, you might want to rethink anyhow and double-check their credentials.
That doesn’t sound right.
And lastly, it is NOT okay how she treats you. We each teach others how to treat us by what we accept. Do not easily accept her criticism. It will only get worse, even though it already sounds bad enough.
Have a discussion with your brother about it and ask him if he is really okay with his fiancée talking to your sister like this. He needs to tell her to stop. Because her behavior is abusive and it won’t be just against you.
But she could be doing it to him too. And he still has a chance to avoid marrying into that if he has any doubts. And there is no reason that you need to just go along to get along with a person like that. Assuming she’s an adult, she can exercise some personal discipline and keep her opinions to herself.” Special-Parsnip9057
5. AITJ For Saying I Don't Care About My In-Laws' Feelings?
“So I (27f) am going to get married to my (24m) fiance. The main issue is my future in-laws. When we first met, they were great, treated me nicely and we got along. We aren’t close, more like acquaintances.
So for the past week, they stayed with us to visit. We weren’t really on good terms due to a disagreement. (Long story short, it’s about our wedding.) So things were pretty tense at first. Mind you, we didn’t say much to each other but it was really passive-aggressive on their part.
Cut forward about two days ago, they asked me to sit down and talk with them, at first, I thought it was maybe an apology. But no, far from that. First, it started with how they felt upset he wasn’t walking me down the aisle and how this is a one-time opportunity.
(They never had any daughters) We already had this conversation, no he won’t because I’m not close to him and I think my mom should have this role.
Then my future MIL saw how I was NOT changing my mind on this.
She even went as far as to say ‘It was my mom’s fault my dad wasn’t around’ and ‘Someone like that shouldn’t be in the wedding’. Which got me mad cause my dad was the one who chose to be a deadbeat, not her.
Then future-FIL went in to say ‘it can be an opportunity to have something I missed.’ And I should consider his feelings. I just snapped and said their feelings mean nothing and they mean nothing to me.
Only their son does. (Which sounds harsh I know that.)
They got mad and upset, called my fiance down, and told him what I said. He got mad and took my side. So they got kicked out.
But they took no time taking this to social media. And I’m ‘the bad guy’ and they accuse me of controlling their son. AITJ for saying this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Firstly, someone’s father walking you down is based on an old tradition of a father ‘giving’ his daughter away.
You are no one’s to give away, but you’re especially not your father-in-law’s to give away considering he literally did not raise you. Of course, in that sense, it would make sense for your mother to be the person that carries out this tradition.
Secondly, they insulted your mother for no other reason than them trying to hurt you and get you to change your mind. Saying someone’s mother shouldn’t be at the wedding and blaming your mother for your father’s absence is cold and callous.
Should you care about your father-in-law’s feelings when he casually such hurtful things about your family? No, you shouldn’t. They clearly aren’t caring about your feelings in any of this.
Obviously, your father-in-law has some weird attachment to the idea of getting to walk a daughter down the aisle.
However, it’s not your fault that he didn’t have his own daughter to help him fulfill his wedding fantasy, and he does not get to take that out on you.
Proud of your fiance for backing you by the way.” ToughAd7278
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – your in-laws are the most in the wrong here.
They said terrible things and you should be able to have whatever wedding you want. Your mom should especially not be forced out. However, there is no reason to tell them they mean nothing to you.
That is not a good foundation for the family you are about to start.” Jicama-Smart
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
No is a complete sentence. The moment someone disregards your no is the moment they become someone that doesn’t respect your boundaries.
The marriage is between only two people. AKA the husband and the wife. Parents are given the right to participate.
You were right in putting a stop to this before it started. Your future in-laws have shown they have no self-control and no respect for you.
They’ve repeatedly ignored what you wanted and tried to override you like you’re some dog to be trained or scolded. If you gave in, it would’ve set an example for what the future in-laws could do to get what they wanted.
Not to mention, your future in-laws sound disgustingly incestuous. But, I don’t think they want you as the daughter they never had. As someone who only had a mom, the comments they made sounded like they hate your mom.
And it’s a gross tactic. They hate your mom and want to give you a ‘proper’ life by treating you like their daughter with a ‘proper’ mother and father. If you had chosen your future father-in-law after telling your mother she was walking you, then it might irreparably damage your relationship.
It’s potentially isolating you from your mother so your in-laws could replace her as ‘proper’ parents. You’d be their daughter instead of your mothers.” mimi7600
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except the fiance.
Future in-laws suck for pressing the issue of f-FIL walking the bride down the aisle.
It’s okay for them to make their pitch and ask, but they should have gracefully accepted a gracious ‘no’.
OP sucks (a little) for the over-the-top reaction. Understood she was angry and provoked, but telling future in-laws to their faces that ‘their feelings mean nothing and they mean nothing to me’ seems vicious and, in a long-term sense, unwise.
Fiance is a champ for backing you up. The escalated situation pushed him into a corner where he had to back you or back his parents, and he correctly chose you. I bet he wishes you had been less apocalyptic, though, as his defense of you has likely cost him in terms of his relationship with his own parents.” akaioi
I'm seeing people saying you're both jerks, you specifically for snapping. But they seem to have glossed over the fact that it wasn't just this one conversation. You're future in-laws have been harrassing you about FIL walking down the aisle, even though you've told them no repeatedly. You reacting emotionally after the final time they tried to pressure you and insulted you.
I'm not sure how long people expect a person to be disrespected before they have to get blunt and rude. A week straight of someone trying to pressure me into something I said no to, is definitely going to cause me to be rude, since they clearly can't understand the word no.
4. AITJ For Proposing Before My Partner's Sister's Wedding?
“My partner (24F) and I (25M) just got engaged yesterday. We have been together for almost 5 years and I was finally able to save up to get her the ring that she has dreamed of.
I took her on a surprise trip and proposed at a place that had special meaning to us. We have lived together for 2 years and have always been talking about getting married. We have been really busy between work and our personal lives and this was the only weekend we had free for a while.
Her sister (24F) and her fiancé (28M) are getting married in 3 weeks, they have been together for 2 years. I thought 3 weeks was plenty enough time to get the heat off of us and not take away from their wedding.
I thought her sister would be happy that we were getting engaged.
Immediately after our engagement, my family and friends congratulated us and we were having a great time celebrating. We did not hear from any of her family, Apart from her mom and her brother who were both thrilled.
Her mom said that her sister was probably upset because it is close to their wedding. Her mom messaged all of us in a group chat and said that she is excited that her daughters found such amazing men.
Her sister’s fiancé replied and said he was happy for us, but that he is upset because he feels like their spotlight is being stolen.
My future SIL then replied and said she feels the same and that I got a ring that looks exactly like hers and is doing our engagement exactly like hers.
The only similarity is the shape of the stone.
I did not want to cause trouble on what was supposed to be our night. I said that I am sorry they feel that way, and I and excited to spend the rest of my life with the girl I love.
From the few people we have heard from, they are upset because they think I should have waited until after their wedding to propose.
I feel so sickened and appalled that they would ruin our weekend and make it about them.
I do not regret asking the love of my life to marry me and I never will.
I feel that I caused this huge rift in her family and that this wasn’t the engagement that we both dreamed of.
If I would’ve known that this would happen, I would have waited, but I never expected this. I feel like I ruined this for her by not waiting until after their wedding was over. I feel like the jerk because this is now permanently her memory of our engagement.
AITJ for not waiting to propose until after their wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, possibly since the sisters are the same age, they had to share a lot growing up? She might be more sensitive than normal about sharing the spotlight or anything else with her sister…
But to me, as long as you didn’t propose at any of their wedding events or at the actual wedding, it’s fair game.
That should be the end of it and she should be happy for your fiancé.
I’m really disappointed that her parents aren’t being more mature and supportive. But congratulations on your engagement and even if you don’t get positive wishes from her family, yet! Try to just be happy and excited and not hold it against the.
Basically, just be the bigger people.” Juxtaposedtocrazy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The first time many people will be able to personally congratulate you and see the ring and all that will likely be at her wedding reception. There’s a risk that someone may toast you at the reception which I know people here will say ‘no big deal’, but maybe to the married couple who paid a fortune for their party to be about them, having it be about somebody else won’t be cool.
And I don’t blame her. You’ve added stress to what should be a happy time for her. There’s a risk someone will want to throw an engagement party ‘while the family’s all here.’
A bride doesn’t own stretches of time.
But this was way too close to her wedding and related events to keep the focus on her and her husband. And there’s nothing wrong with the bride and groom wanting this time for themselves. Your engagement wasn’t a natural event like a pregnancy.
You chose the timing.
You planned it out carefully to suit your schedule. But when it came to being thoughtful about someone else’s plans, you simply assumed it would be ok. You didn’t talk to anyone to get feedback.
You could have waited. But now, you need to do some damage control so you don’t hijack the bride and groom’s day. This includes shutting down anything that impinges on the bride and groom’s celebration
And let me guess, it’s a pear-shaped diamond.
Basic.” Significant_Rain_386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – based on precedence with people like these, it wouldn’t have mattered if you waited to propose three weeks after the wedding because they would have still accused you of stealing their ‘post-wedding’ spotlight.
I think three weeks is enough time for the heat to cool down like you said, and it was very considerate of you to be mindful of their big day.
The only thing I recommend is to be ready to support your partner because people like her sister tend to become dramatic before a wedding and could possibly un-invite both of you to assure that sister gets all the attention.” jasperjamboree
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It’s a pretty common social courtesy.
If this was just a friend’s wedding (and you weren’t at the party) this may have been ok, but proposing 3 weeks before the wedding of a family is a huge social faux-pas. You also could have gotten away with it had you confirmed the timing was ok with the bride and groom beforehand, but you didn’t.
Ultimately, you put a grey cloud over their marriage and over your engagement. At the very least, you should apologize for your mistake and try to make sure that the spotlight isn’t on you and your new fiancé during their wedding.
Especially as their wedding will likely be the first time many of your friends and family will be seeing you since you got engaged, that takes a lot of the focus off them and their day.” honey-smile
3. AITJ For Not Asking To Bring My Partner To Our Thanksgiving Dinner?
“I’m Canadian so we have Thanksgiving in October.
My partner (24) and I (26) have been together for almost a year now. We’ve met each other’s parents multiple times. I actually was just at her family’s Thanksgiving dinner yesterday with all her cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.
My parents are doing Thanksgiving today and have been planning for a week. My brother is home from the states and has a friend coming with him. They’ve been planning around the two of them and not once has mentioned or brought up my partner.
I’m of the opinion that they should be the ones inviting her, especially since they’ve been putting so much thought into my brother and his guest.
Today, I was talking about plans and I told my mother that my partner and I have some plans, and depending on what happens, I may or may not be home for dinner.
I told them I’m gonna try to be home in time but I don’t want to mention anything about dinner in case my partner feels hurt she wasn’t invited.
My mother got really upset at me and she’s basically saying why should they be the ones inviting her.
Of course, she’s allowed to come. I should’ve been the one who brought it up.
Up until now, I’m willing to take the whole thing as a misunderstanding. It would’ve been totally normal if she was like ‘omg i totally forgot.
Of course, she’s invited’. But the fact that she got upset and started yelling that I’m blaming her for not inviting my partner kind of did it for me. Especially when I wasn’t even blaming her.
AITJ here and should’ve asked to bring my partner. Especially when they asked my brother about his guest a week ago but not me?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’ve been with your partner for nearly a year, she’s met your parents numerous times, you had Thanksgiving at her house with her family…
and yet you ASSUMED THAT SHE WAS NOT INVITED to your family’s Thanksgiving, which might have been an ‘everyone sucks here’, except you couldn’t even be bothered to ASK? If your partner of nearly a year, who your family knows, was invited to a holiday dinner?
The fact that your default is to leave her out of things speaks volumes about how you see your relationship.
You seem to have a very immature, high-school-ish approach to all of this, despite being closer to 30 years old than 20. At this point, you’re talking about an adult relationship. The default should be that she is your partner and that you want her on significant occasions with you and expect that she will be welcome.
And yes, the appropriate thing to do is to CONFIRM THAT with your parents, ‘Hey, so I know we’re doing Thanksgiving on Monday, I was planning to bring my partner if that’s okay with you?’ not to assume that she is NOT a welcome or expected part of these occasions.
As for your excuse that they discussed and ‘planned for’ your brother and his guest… well, of course, they did. They were coming from out of town. I’m not sure why you think that had anything to do with you, or how it stopped you from opening your mouth and confirming your own guest.
If anything, it should have established that bringing your partner was ALSO appropriate, since all of the other adults were bringing someone.
YTJ. You seem to have a lot of excuses and blame here, but very little willingness to take responsibility as an adult for your own relationship and being a welcoming partner to your girl.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
It was a misunderstanding that only turned into an argument to assign blame.
You were being respectful of the hosts to not assume you could invite an additional guest. I can see that from your mother’s perspective, she would is being blamed for it. It seems she may think so highly of your relationship that your partner is effectively family.
If you point that out to your partner, it may fix any perceived ill will. If you thank your mother for the thought that your partner would not need an explicit invite, it might smooth things over with her.” Connect_Basket2698
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your parents have actively engaged you in planning this event, and you never once brought up your partner.
If you want her to come YOU ask if she can come.
They are putting thought into your brother because he is visiting, with a guest, from out of town. Since they are talking to you about planning, they are also including you.
If I ask my partner about dinner this weekend – time, place, who is coming- that is me including him in the planning. He can easily say ‘my friend is in town, can they come too?’ or ‘I have something until 6 pm, can we do 7 pm?’
You act like your parents planned this around your brother, when they planned it around you too if you had just spoken up. I guess you want them to kneel before you and ask exactly what you want for the day of and who you want to attend. Casual conversation isn’t good enough for you.” mfruitfly
2. AITJ For Telling My Parents Why My Brother Couldn't Stay At Our House?
“I (32F) and my partner (34M) have gotten into an argument because basically he’s mad I ‘threw him under the bus’ when I explained to my parents why my brother couldn’t stay with us while he looks for a new job in the city we live in.
So my brother has recently gotten out of rehab and is looking for a job, he, unfortunately, lost his house and so when I heard he was looking for a place to sleep I offered for him to stay at our place, I assumed my partner wouldn’t have any problem with this but I assumed wrong.
My partner said he felt uncomfortable having him stay as there wasn’t a set timeline for him to find his own place to stay and while he didn’t come out and say the rehab situation was making him uncomfortable I strongly got that impression (although I’m happy to admit I could’ve been wrong about that).
So eventually I decided I didn’t want the argument and told my parents and brother now wasn’t a great time for him to come and stay at our place, the reason I gave was that my partner would rather he didn’t, my parents and brother aren’t really mad at him but I get the feeling they’re disappointed and a little upset my partner isn’t comfortable with him.
When I told my partner that I was truthful with my parents about why my brother couldn’t stay he told me that I shouldn’t have thrown him under the bus and should’ve come up with a different excuse, I personally didn’t see the point in lying.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Firstly, you messed up by offering to let your brother stay in your and your partner’s home without talking about it with your partner first. Situations like this is a ‘two yes’ kind of situation.
Then you messed up by assuming that your partner is uncomfortable with the rehab issue when he very clearly said ‘he felt uncomfortable having him stay as there wasn’t a set timeline for him finding his own place’.
That’s very reasonable thinking from your partner. No need for you to assume he has other reasons.
And then you messed up by blaming your partner when this whole situation was caused and created by you. You shouldn’t have offered in the first place, but you did, and then you act like you were ‘truthful’ with your parents.
I’d be really upset if I was your partner, you came across as quite self-centered and thoughtless toward your partner.” Cocoasneeze
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
This is your partner’s home too. You have no right to invite someone to stay there without asking him first.
You also assumed it was because of the rehab, EVEN THOUGH HE TOLD YOU HIS REASONING. Forgive me if I am overstepping or getting this horribly wrong, but your partner is absolutely right about there being no timeline.
Your brother could be expecting to crash at your place for a long time feeling no sense of urgency to find his own because he can stay at yours because YOU DIDN’T PUT ANY PRESSURE ON HIM.
Why would your partner want him freeloading off of you? That’s nothing to do with the rehab.
There was no need to lie, you’re right there, but you were wrong to invite him to stay without checking with your partner and you were wrong to assume his discomfort was due to the rehab.” MamzYT
Another User Comments:
“Being truthful is often the right path.
However, it’s important to consider what information is shared. You felt you were being truthful by saying your partner isn’t comfortable with him.
But that wasn’t the full truth, was it?
You got the impression that your partner isn’t comfortable with him.
But what he actually said was ‘he felt uncomfortable having him stay as there wasn’t a set timeline for him finding his own place to stay.’
Is there more to what your partner felt? Probably. But by slimming down the reasoning to ‘isn’t comfortable with him,’ you told your family that your partner straight-up doesn’t like or trust your brother.
Is that true? Maybe. You don’t know. He didn’t say that.
Moreover, when you’re in a relationship, you act as a team. By saying yes to your brother without checking with your partner, you went solo and ignored his needs & desires. By telling your family that it’s your partner’s fault that your bro can no longer stay, you went solo and threw him under the bus. YTJ” GFTurnedIntoTheMoon
1. AITJ For Saying I Will Color Correct My Mother-In-Law's Outfit On My Wedding?
“I got engaged a year ago giving myself and hubby plenty of time to plan the wedding. At a family gathering (after discussing with hubby) I disclosed the theme and colors of the wedding. The maid of honor (my little sister) was to wear a lavender dress as part of a pastel theme wedding.
MIL nods along loving the ideas. I ask her to pick any color that she’d like as long as it does not merge into the moh or bridesmaids.
3 months to the wedding I ask and MIL chooses 2 palettes as she is not sure.
I give her time to pick but proceed with the bridesmaids and maid of honor dresses. I get the girls their dresses and my mother’s as well since she just wanted me to pick and didn’t have much of a preference.
We give all the material to be stiched and the very next day MIL goes shopping.
Hubby shows me what his mother picked… LAVENDAR. I say no as it is my sister’s color.
He proceeds to tell his mother that the color is merging so stick to the 2 palettes she asked for.
She gets huffed up and walks out of the store. She goes shopping the second time and picks the EXACT COLOR MY MOTHER HAD. I say no again and please try to stay within the palettes.
She gets mad again and storms off. I give her a 3rd palette to choose from. She goes shopping the 3rd time and still picks lavender. This was my breaking point. She did the same thing around our engagement where she convinced my then-fiance to buy a grey suit although she knew I had asked for him to wear navy blue to match my outfit while she wore a royal blue.
Hubby and I are both frustrated at this point and arguing with each other. We have planned an entire wedding on our own with no disputes except for this. I noticed all the colors looked exactly like the outfit she wore at her own wedding, while she wanted my husband to wear a suit and a bracelet much like his father had worn at their wedding.
Hubby refused. I sat down with him and explained the whole relation to their own wedding day and since hubby’s father passed over 12 years ago maybe there is a connection. However, this was going a little too far and I told him that despite giving her several options she keeps trying to buy the same color.
Since we are really close to the wedding and the outfit needs to be done in time, she can proceed to buy any color she likes but when the photographs of the wedding arrive, I will change the color of the outfit to something from one of the pallets she had chosen.
So it is up to her and by extension him how they would like to proceed.
AITJ for saying that?
Edit: MIL asked to be part of the theme and is not required to. She deviated after choosing first.
My mother did offer her color to keep the peace and suggested both wear the same but MIL refused and said she’d keep looking. She has never worn lavender ever since her wedding and does not own anything in that color at all.
I do not require anyone to wear any definite color nor do guests have a theme since many are traveling great distances to be there and I do not want any inconvenience. I just want my girls to have the theme right and she’s specifically targeting my little sister’s color after the child herself requested her not to.
We both have single mothers and that is why they want to be part of the theme and ‘belong’ since we are planning and paying for everything on our own and have asked them to just be present for us and walk us down the aisle.
The color correction is only for the images we will hang up in our home and look at every single day.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you told her to wear any color except merging ones, she initially chose 2 pallets that she didn’t adhere to, and now you’re saying she can wear anything she likes, it just won’t be reflected in your photos.
Unless she’s willing to have an open and honest conversation about why this is so important to her, I don’t see a problem with your approach. Even your future husband has refused some of her requests.
That being said, don’t let something like the color of her dress dampen your day, it’s not worth the added stress.” chefboyardeejr
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The only color demand you get to make of your MIL is that she doesn’t wear white.
Anything more is super rude and tacky. Unless you’re being this controlling and up everyone’s ass about what every other guest is wearing, dictating her dress choice is inappropriate.
You need to think long and hard about you want to start your marriage and your relationship with your inlaws.
Is it going to be you throwing a bunch of bratty tantrums about dress colors? Because honestly hon if that’s the thing you care about, you might not be ready to get married.” DoctorDoompants
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It is NOT HARD to find a NICE DRESS in the multiple different colors that OP wanted. She’s not being a bridezilla. Would yall show up to a funeral in bright neon yellow? Why not? Because there is a well-known dress code for funerals and that’s BLACK.
So, for one day out of an entire year, this lady can’t just pick ONE dress and go about her day. First of all her dress doesn’t even need to be all that, it can be a plain and simple dress like y’all are acting like OP told her she can’t do anything.
Like if there are rules follow them this isn’t kindergarten grow tf up. And if she does wear the lavendar dress then you should change the color because that’s being disrespectful to YOUR wishes, and the wedding theme in general.
Like fr MIL needs to stop acting like a toddler incapable of making simple decisions.’ WAIOMI
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Look, princess. It’s just a party. If you plan on having a successful marriage (which hopefully lasts longer than your party), you need to learn which battles to fight.
This? Isn’t a battle. Let her wear what she wants, you wear what you want, and just enjoy the day. Your color palettes (pallets are a portable platform for handling, storing, or moving materials and packages) don’t really mean that much to guests of the wedding.
And given how you’ve behaved, I wouldn’t fault her for being super petty and wearing a white, floor-length gown.
Lavender is actually quite a common color for the mothers of the bride and groom to wear. Maybe she just really likes that color and feels good in it.
Isn’t that more important, that she be happy on that day when she sees her son marry the woman he loves? You’re fighting for no reason here. You’re making the idea of marriage probably pretty gross for your future husband.
And you’re certainly not winning any mother-in-law points here by your outright pickiness. So I guess figure out how you want the day to go. Do you want everyone relaxed and happy, or do you want people angry to be there? Choose wisely.” ThereWentMySandwich
Please let us know how it goes.
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