People Ask What Our View Is Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

There will come a time when people, even your friends or family, will think you're a jerk just because you unintentionally (or intentionally?) did something offensive to them. To you, these actions may just be normal and are meant to defend your stand about a situation, but to other people, your action turns out to be something only a jerk would do. Here are some stories from people who are confused about whether they're jerks or not. Read on and let us know who you think the real jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

16. WIBTJ If I Told My Husband I'd Consider Leaving Our Marriage If He Re-Enlists?


“Me (F23) and my husband (M27) have been married 5yrs. He decided to enlist in the Air Force Reserves almost 2yrs after we got together, which I wholeheartedly supported, and he left for BMT shortly after our wedding. We now have 3 kids together (ages 3yrs-6m) and I’m now a stay-at-home mom.

He has been gone significantly more than I had ever anticipated. He was gone when our 1st child was born, away for our 2nd child’s first birthday, and left shortly after our 3rd child was born.

At least a few months every year, he’s gone. I’ve held down the fort and stayed strong thus far.

His re-enlistment date is coming up next year and we talk often about it, to which I am always hesitant. He talks it up a lot because of the long-term benefits for us and our kids, he’ll be able to retire super young.

He is dismissive of my thoughts, though. And I was all for it, but he’s been on orders for a few months and is currently away and I am struggling.

Our oldest notices when daddy is gone and constantly asks where he is… And I know my other two children notice a lack of their dad being around, which sucks.

Plus, our kids have been sick the past week, with constant vomit, and diarrhea accidents. So we are stuck at the house, early mornings, late nights, cooking food they either don’t eat or vomit up. And I honestly feel like I’m failing as an individual. Messy house, messy life, falling behind on everything.

Meanwhile, he’s off obviously doing his military thing.

But, he gets his time off, away, gets to eat out, goes to the gym, goes shopping (while we’re supposed to be saving funds for a home purchase). He’s getting to enjoy his time away because he’s not really doing much, they just sent him off for some schooling for his current project for a few weeks (he calls it a joke).

We also don’t really video chat much, with a few Snapchats or texts throughout the day. He’s busy with his buddy in his free time and also kinda laughs about my trashy situation.

I just feel like if he re-enlists, I won’t be able to handle it anymore. I also never get out of the house unless it’s with him and the kid… No haircuts, no gym, no nothing, but he’s obviously doing those things around his normal schedule for the military (jealous, but understandable).

And I don’t really feel like he’s super present when he’s home because he’s focused so much on work (as he is 24/7), so he brings it all home with him which makes everyone miserable. He’s also so snippy and restrictive and I try to be a positive parent that allows a little more freedom.

I do feel like he tries his hardest in our marriage and as a dad, but I don’t personally feel like I can handle the constant separation on top of everything else.

I have mentioned my stress and such to him before, and he’s a lot of talk about letting me out of the house but not much action.

So, WIBTJ to give an ultimatum. I do love him, but I feel like this is the only way I’ll get anything through to him about how I truly feel.

Or maybe I’m just selfish?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but at the risk of stating the obvious, a lot of your frustration seems to be with him not being there as a second parent. Divorcing him would effectively make you a single parent, and save visitation times with dad. Then again it sounds like you’re bearing a lot of the responsibility as it is.

Forget about your romantic relationship for a second. Sit down and write out a pros and cons list. Consider things from a practical, financial, and logistical perspective. What are the pros/cons of leaving your marriage? What benefits are you giving up? What are you gaining?

And then separately talk to your husband. you haven’t mentioned what you want him to do instead of enlisting, maybe it’s time to have that conversation.

Talk to him about how much your kids miss him and how hard it is for them. Talk about your goals for yourselves and your family in 5, 10, 20, and 30 years. What does he want? What do you want? What goals are most important to each of you? It sounds like he wants to retire early, so what would that look like, in terms of income, lifestyle, and division of household labor?

If he’s really committed to reenlisting, what would you need to feel good about it? (a promise that you share other post enlistment goals, less spending on base, more texts, more communication with the kids when he’s home, etc.) And then yes, I don’t think it would make you the jerk to say that it’s a dealbreaker for you, as long as you have plans to follow through and aren’t just using it as an empty threat.” deqb

Another User Comments:

“NTJ if this is something you would follow through on. Never bluff with something this serious – that’s a jerk move that will leave everybody worse off than before.

If it is this serious, then NTJ. Looking out for yourself does not always equal selfishness. Your husband is not wrong about military pension, but the full package typically requires 20 years of service.

You are not selfish for not wanting this type of living arrangement to loom for another 15 years. Yes, he may eventually transfer to a more stationary position, but it is also not guaranteed.

Flip this on its head — you giving an ultimatum is no less trashy than him demanding you stay unquestionably in what you call a ‘trashy situation.’

If this is the career he wants, he is not necessarily a jerk to pursue it. If spending your 20s and 30s in support of – and often secondary to – that career is not something you want to pursue, you are not necessarily a jerk either. You each get one life. Have a straightforward discussion about what you want out of it, and decide if there are mutually acceptable paths.” JudgeJudAITA

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I’m a Navy vet from both the active and reserve sides. Missing birthdays is normal and expected, but the fact that he was gone for your first child’s birth, conveniently had to leave shortly after the third child’s birth, and continues to be gone for months at a time raises red flags.

It sounds like he’s volunteering for these orders.

It also sounds like that when he is home, he’s always at the gym or hanging out with buddies. He needs to grow up and be a husband and father.

What does your husband do on the civilian side? Is the military his only form of income?

He’s doing far more than the basic training/time requirements for reservists.

If I were you, I would start looking at non-college career training programs, such as trade schools or certification programs in preparation for separation/divorce. CompTIA Sec+ is a good, entry-level cert. There’s a program called Onward to Opportunity (O2O) (they have a Sec+ program) that military and spouses can take one time for free.

It doesn’t sound like your husband wants to grow up, and you cannot force him to change. It won’t work. If he doesn’t get his s–t together, please don’t put up with it anymore.” Traditional-Log-1886

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Mell 1 year ago
My hubby just retired from the military. We made it with 4 kiddos. Those TDY’s are rough sometimes especially when the kids are babies.
What I’m reading though it sounds like the military isn’t your problem. You need breaks. You need your hubby to step up and support you the way you support need him to be present when he’s home and to make time for you when he’s if you need out you wouldn’t really be the jerk but… make sure you are fighting the right battle.
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15. AITJ For Correcting My Daughter's Teacher About Her Name?


“My 7-year-old daughter’s doing online school in our living room recently. I heard her teacher address a girl named Kelly a few times, which stuck out to me because my daughter’s class is only about 15 kids and I know them all by this point in the year.

A couple of times more and I realized she was calling my daughter Kelly. My daughter’s name is Keeley, pronounced Kee-Lee.

So after school was over, I asked her if that had been happening all year in this teacher’s class and she said it had and it really annoyed her. I asked her why she hadn’t corrected the teacher if it annoyed her so much and she said she had repeatedly at the beginning of the year but the teacher kept calling her Kelly, so eventually, she gave up on reminding her.

I sent the teacher a quick email explaining the misunderstanding but got no response. This teacher teaches a special subject (think music, gym, art, or language), not just one grade level, so my daughter will be in her classes for the next several years, so we couldn’t just wait it out. And how moments like these are handled now will set the stage for how my kid deals with similar situations on her own in the working world.

I encouraged my daughter to come to class early or stay late again, thinking maybe she hadn’t heard or understood her last time, so a quiet one-on-one would be better.

She got to the class early and she told her very politely that her name was ‘Keeley like really, instead of Kelly like jelly’ and that people often get it confused so she just wanted to clarify.

So class starts and sure enough, she gets called Kelly again almost immediately. So there’s only so much self advocation a seven-year-old can be expected to do. I just walked over and said ‘Hi, this is Keeley’s Dad. Her’s name is not Kelly. It’s Keeley. Hard E. Sorry for any confusion.’

A few hours later I had an email in my inbox ‘inviting’ my wife and me to a parent-teacher conference with the vice principal.

The long and short of the meeting ended up being the school feels that while the teacher probably should’ve learned her name, that the real problem is she feels I challenged her authority by correcting her in class and that the names were ‘similar enough’ for it to ‘not have warranted such drastic action.’

That surprised me. I couldn’t believe a meeting was necessary, let alone that it cast blame on us.

I can’t tell if I’m being that annoying ‘my kid matters most’ parent that my grandmother the schoolteacher always complained about or if the teacher should just learn her name because that’s a basic part of her job.


Another User Comments:

“I’m a teacher and absolutely NTJ. That is an easy name. This teacher was stubborn and inconsiderate, and their reaction implies some kind of insecurity that is quite clearly a them-problem, not a you-problem. Working as a substitute, I was consistently corrected by sassy teens, little kids, and adults on the correct pronunciations of names.

I always did my best on first attendance, and then upon correction, worked to commit it to memory. It is not a big part of your job, but it is an important, and fairly easy one. Names are identities, and it is important to respect and honor the identity of your students. They deserve to feel respected, validated, and a part of their class community.

Names are a part of that.

If this teacher had difficulty with remembering names that’s fair. It is harder for some people. But then they would apologize and correct themselves and should have it by now anyway. Their attitude implies they just don’t care.

You took the right steps to address the issue and it was not resolved. If your account of this is accurate, then you did all the right steps and are not at fault.

The only devil’s advocate argument I can think of is if there have been previous interactions where you’ve been aggressive, condescending, or have otherwise questioned this teacher’s authority. Then I could maybe understand their defensive response to some minor degree.

This just sounds ridiculous. What admin would back up that meeting?

Good job for calmly defending your daughter.

She deserves to be heard and respected and addressed by her name of choice.” WanderingDoe62

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s the teacher’s job to know each child’s name. What if a teacher is mixing up names and maybe your daughter is Keeley Smith and there’s another child that’s named Kelly Smith? That could lead to privacy issues, student records like attendance, or grades being messed up.

There could even be safety issues if Keeley or Kelly has permission to be picked up from school by a different adult than usual in an emergency situation. That teacher and any other adults that have learned the incorrect name for your daughter from hearing this incompetent teacher could send the wrong child or mistakenly believe your daughter is not at school because they don’t know who Keeley is.

I would recommend escalating this. It’s definitely a problem.

When I taught I specifically told kids and parents to make sure and correct me if I mispronounce a name. And if any of the other staff suspected someone was doing it we’d check in with one another to make sure we were all getting it right.” nopethatstakentoo

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – though I can see why the teacher would feel like you put her authority on the line. That said, forward the vice principal and all the people in that meeting the email you sent to the teacher, maybe as a screenshot that shows the date it was sent?, and reiterate how this event happened after the email AND after Keeley corrected the teacher one-on-one before the class and the teacher still mispronounced it.

This is a complete lack of respect towards a person, child or not, in front of students who KNOW this is not her name.

Don’t be afraid to pull the ‘teacher is putting my child in a position to be bullied by her classmates who might see this as an opportunity to begin mocking her and misnaming her, after all, if it’s ok for the teacher, it’s ok for them too’ card.

I mean, it’s not out of the realm of possibility. Turn the tables on the teacher if that’s what’s necessary.

I got lucky when I was a kid in that I had a teacher who for the longest time called me by the wrong name but my classmates however kept yelling my proper name each time (helped that I didn’t answer the wrong name because… I took too long to figure out he meant me) it still took him most of the year to realize the class kept correcting him each time and maybe it meant he should listen?

I’m glad my classmates had my back but that’s a fluke more than not, kids are scared of correcting the teacher. I think Keeley was very brave for doing so.” Age_of_the_Penguin

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Gamergirl 1 year ago
Not the jerk. The teacher has been told multiple times. It's being done on purpose.
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14. AITJ For Forcing My Wife To Not Be A Foster Parent?


“My wife and I have been trying to have children for a long time. We decided to start the process of becoming foster parents in 2019, and in early 2020, we got our first and only placement.

Our placement was 1% of the 1% of cases. The child was removed due to a severe mental health incident that the father had. The mom technically did everything right as they were legally separated and she called the police immediately, but due to the specifics of it, she was still accused of failing to protect.

A case like this, in normal times, would take less than 6 months to resolve if everyone even slightly tried. Instead, it took nearly 2 years.

Due to the global situation, the classes that were required in the plan literally were not offered in any form. Court dates were also heavily delayed. By the end of this, even the caseworkers were horrified by how long this case dragged out and said (off the record) that if they had known what the situation would be, they would have advocated against removal. The child has been reunified with their mother and I’m glad.

My wife, however, was not. She cried for days after the child went home and now talks about how excited she is for the ‘next’ child. I don’t want to do this anymore. It made me feel awful. Nothing about that situation was helping a child in need. It was just taking a kid from their mom.

By the end of it, I even found myself agreeing with those insane forums that talked about clandestine reunification and wanted to do it.

I also saw a side to my wife that was just disgusting. She was thrilled at every delay and the excuse to not allow in-person visits. She told people at church outright lies about the child’s case and her mother.

Even though I don’t like to publicly disagree with my wife, I had to correct people who came up to me with these stories because I work at the same company as the mom.

I don’t think it’s right for us to foster anymore. I told my wife this and now she is angry with me for taking her chance to be a mother.

Her parents and mine both think that her behavior was only less than justified because that wasn’t a ‘real’ case and so we should try again. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. First off, this is a clear ‘two yeses, one no’ situation. Both of you need to confidently say yes in order to proceed. If either of you has misgivings, then it’s a no…

At least for now.

Additionally, being a foster parent means the expectation and the hope that kids go back to their families. If your wife is struggling with those boundaries, it totally makes sense to tap on the brakes.

That being said, I’m concerned that you said this:

‘Nothing about that situation was helping a child in need. It was just taking a kid from their mom.’

You didn’t take a child from their mom. You couldn’t have prevented that child from being taken from their mom. Choosing not to be a foster parent will not stop the next child from being taken from their mom.

It makes sense that you feel awful. It was an awful situation, and you are a good person.

But you were helping a child in need. If you hadn’t been a foster parent, that child still would have been taken away, they just might have wound up in a worse placement. They might have wound up in a group home or multiple placements while they waited for an uncaring system to let them return home.

I’m not trying to talk you into being a foster parent right now. It sounds like you need some time to heal before you could even consider it. I’m just suggesting that you not close the door quite yet. All your reasons for wanting to foster in the first place are just as true as they were before.

The fact that the system is profoundly dysfunctional doesn’t change that.” DinaFelice

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

It sounds like you had a really rough go of your first foster, and I’m so sorry for that. But your wife wants to be a mom this way, and you don’t want to be a dad this way.

This is not a straightforward someone’s right, someone’s the wrong case (although your wife’s behavior is questionable.) This is a serious sit-down matter, and you guys are going to have to have some hard talks because both of you have some very strong and equally valid stances here.

Fostering isn’t easy, and it shouldn’t be a responsibility taken on lightly.

If she wants to and you don’t, you’re going to have to compromise. (Maybe adoption…?)

If it helps at all — I bet you made so much difference in that poor kid’s life. You helped someone innocent in a lot of need, that’s a very good thing. Even if you never do foster again, you should be proud of that.” BogwitchOfTheBog

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your wife is for how she ended up acting. I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and hope it was just the trauma of foster parenting itself and infertility that made her act that way. It’s no excuse but I hope it’s that and that she wasn’t voluntarily being terrible.

She clearly can’t be a foster parent, y’all weren’t even in a bad situation and she was already breaking all the rules (talking to others about the case, lying, working against the bios, etc). So there’s no way she can go through a really dirty and terrible case and be better.

Yes, that situation was horrid and the best thing would have been to work with a bio mom like you were. I’m not saying it was a good case, but Jesus just try comparing that to a child who has been through a lot. It’s terrible.

Y’all can still adopt normally if you still want kids together.

There’s nothing wrong with that. Idk if y’all tried other methods to have kids too but that’s also ok. Fostering is really, really hard. It is ok that some people just can’t do it. But if she can’t even work with an innocent mom, then there’s no way she can work with other cases that actually deserved the kids being taken.

One other suggestion is that some areas let people do foster to adopt, where you can foster kids who have no bio family, tpr is already, done, etc. you could stay in the system and just do respite until you find a kid that way too. Respite is highly needed everywhere. But yeah, no more normal fostering for her.” AwkwardBallz

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Elleds 1 year ago
NTJ. Your wife is though.... Her behavior is actually quite scary. I think you need to discuss it with her. Lying about that poor mother is awful. She has absolutely no right to do that. It's awful to want kids and not have had any but it is no excuse to bash a good mom and want that child to be kept from her! How horrific. Is this who you want to be married to? I hate to say this because it's the go-to so many times, but I think your wife needs therapy.
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13. AITJ For Replacing My Employee Who's Refusing To Come Back From Leave?


“I (F28) work at a customer service center for a large corporation and manage a small department (4 people under me) of highly trained specialists who deal with legal matters. In reality, I need 6 or 7 people to do the amount of work we do but you get what corporate allows.

One of my specialists, let’s call her Cindy (F32) recently found out she was six weeks pregnant and had a miscarriage a week later; she has been on leave from work ever since that was 12 weeks ago.

Legally corporate is not required to accommodate a leave any longer than what it would take to medically recover (which wouldn’t be more than a few days as she went to the ER when it happened and they sent her home the same night) plus a week of bereavement time but after some pushing on my part she was allowed to take her time coming back because losing a pregnancy is traumatic.

At the 12-week mark, I was instructed to contact Cindy and ask her to return to work. She flat out refused to say she wasn’t ready and still couldn’t go an hour without crying. At this point, without Cindy, I only had three employees; corporate refused to allow me to temporarily put someone in her spot as her leave wasn’t technically medically necessary and it takes six months of training minimum to be able to independently do what we do.

My boss called me into her office after I spoke with Cindy and asked how my department was getting along work-wise. I was honest and said we were very overwhelmed and that I was dreading what would happen next as our busy season (summer) was coming up.

My boss later informed me that Cindy was being removed from my department (so I could put someone in her spot) and that, while Cindy wasn’t losing her job yet, she was being put in a spot in a lesser trained department that wouldn’t need her as badly, which comes with a pay cut.

I was directed by my boss to contact Cindy and inform her of this and Cindy flat out told me I was a jerk for not ‘understanding’ her situation because I don’t have kids and for not fighting for her. She also accused me of being selfish and lazy because, according to her, all I care about is the extra work her continued absence was causing me.

I told her that I had fought for her and that I was part of the reason she wasn’t losing her job entirely because I had pushed for compassion. She then said she would deal strictly with her new manager and hung up on me.

I feel awful about this whole thing but am I the jerk here for not pushing harder to keep Cindy in my department?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You were incredibly compassionate to Cindy and went above and beyond to help her.

But (and not to be callous) you’re the manager of four people, not just one. You’ve done all you can for Cindy and now you have to focus on your department. You currently have three people doing the work of four (or really six, from what you’ve said) and you’ve got a busy season coming up.

Corporate won’t allow you to keep Cindy on your payroll and hire someone extra. That’s just a fact you have to live with, no matter how frustrating it is. You have to look to your other workers now and make sure they’re coping with the extra workload, especially as it’s going to take time to train up a new employee.

They’ve been doing this extra work for 12 weeks. You know they’re overwhelmed and they need someone there working with them now, not whenever Cindy is going to be ready to come back to work.

Your boss, on the other hand, is a bit of a jerk. The decision about Cindy’s job was made above your head and you had no input into it or control over it.

You don’t know the details of the new job and couldn’t have answered Cindy’s questions if she’d had any. Contacting Cindy about the change should have been done by your boss or by someone in HR.” varlassan

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and get some sleep. It’s rough, but anyone on an indefinite leave of absence has to realize that someone is taking up their load.

She got far more time with her position held open for her than most companies would allow, and the reason that she had that job to refuse to return to is that you made it work for as long as possible.

Frankly, she’s lucky that they’ve promised her a position at all. She needs to get it together in whatever way works for her (therapy, bereavement group, whatever).

I’m not downplaying the loss, while I don’t have children, my sister had 5 miscarriages. I get that it’s traumatic.

Not being ready is valid… provided she takes steps to get her feet under her again.

Meanwhile, you and your staff can’t continue to pull her weight indefinitely and you shouldn’t have to. What if someone else became ill and was out for an extended time?

You were one hot appendix away from disaster for 12 weeks!

The company, your supervisor, you? No jerks. This employee? Slightly jerkish: 1) for taking it out on you, and 2) for not keeping you informed.

She ought to be grateful that she wasn’t terminated outright. She also ought to take the transfer/demotion as a wake-up call to figure out what it’s going to take for her to be functional again.

Odds are, 3 weeks of no contact or 6 weeks of ‘still not ready’ will have her looking for a new employer once she can think about work again.

Obviously, we’d all like to have the luxury of allowing people all the time that they need to come to terms with grief and trauma. Unfortunately, the work still has to get done and the workload doesn’t care what’s going on in our personal lives.” maddiep81

Another User Comments:

“You’re NTJ; the reality is, you can sympathize with Cindy’s situation, but life goes on. Cindy can’t expect everyone to wait months or a year for her to ‘get over’ her situation.

Firstly, as someone who has suffered from two mid-term miscarriages -I took my six weeks of leave that my boss graciously offered me, and then went back to work.

My personal tragedy has no bearing on my teammate’s workload or my numerous cases that needed my help.

The reality is, as cold as it sounds… a miscarriage at six weeks means she knew she was pregnant for a whopping two weeks most likely. She hadn’t even really had time to process that she was pregnant.

A miscarriage at that point would have had zero effect on her medically. Does it suck? Sure. I sympathize, as I said. But it’s time to pull up her big girl pants and get back to her life. To expect everyone on her team to suffer because she personally suffered is the epitome of childishness and selfishness.” Morrighan1129

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Nema15 1 year ago
NTJ!! Unfortunately, I’ve had multiple miscarriages in my life and I truly understand the grief, but she’s milking it for all it’s worth. Don’t lose any more sleep over her. She’s not worth it.
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12. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Sister For Cracking My Phone Screen?


“My sisters have always been afraid of cockroaches. I think they got it from my mom. My mom would panic and run whenever she saw a roach. The same goes for my sisters. My second sister (15) however, has a much more, uhm, ‘over the top’ panic at the mere sight of the bug. She would scream hysterically and I swear, it is really loud.

My dad would always tell her growing up that she shouldn’t be loud and that there’s nothing to be afraid of but until now, she hasn’t gotten rid of that reaction. My mom and sister are still scared of roaches but they don’t react the same way she does and even they tell her to control her mouth when she’s scared. But unfortunately, she has never changed and she still shrieks at the top of her lungs and it’s embarrassing and disturbing for the roommates living in the other rooms.

Now, today was a normal day. My sister and I were in the room just talking about anything when all of a sudden, a roach landed on her shirt. And as expected, she shrieked hysterically. Since it was on top of her, she frantically jumped around trying to get rid of the bug. Because of that, she had knocked over my already broken phone, a bunch of chargers, and the bottles of lotion on the shelf.

I got mad but I was trying to help get the roach off of her but she wouldn’t hold still, even knocking me a couple of times. Eventually, the roach disappeared and she stopped.

I was straight-up annoyed. My phone got an even bigger crack, there was a mess in the bedroom and I was hurt from trying to help her.

In that spur of the moment, I yelled at her. I told her that she shouldn’t have overreacted and by now, her fear of roaches should’ve lessened. My dad checked on us to see what was wrong. My dad was with the rest of the family in the living room and their conversation was disturbed by the loud screams that were heard in the room.

After learning what just happened, he told my sister the same thing. He added that she shouldn’t have ‘babied’ her fear and she should grow up. After all, she could’ve destroyed my phone entirely and we don’t have funds to buy a new phone if it did break. I left the room cuz I didn’t want to clean the mess she made.

She locked the door after I left and she started crying. I felt kinda guilty but honestly IDK why. But I think my dad is right and that she should’ve fixed her fear of roaches. This isn’t the first time she has disrupted someone or broken something because of a roach.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

I don’t have extreme reactions to bugs like your sister but if a roach landed on me I would have lost it too. I was shuddering just reading this.

Also keep in mind that if she’s developed a fear (and learned it growing up from your mom), telling her to grow up/get over it isn’t helpful.

But given that she knocked over your phone and increased the crack more, and hit you while you were helping, I think it’s reasonable that you’d be mad about this.

Maybe just apologize for yelling, but explain why you were upset.” Jenh66

Another User Comments:

“You can’t just fix a fear. YTJ.

I’m not really afraid of roaches but if one landed on my shirt I’d panic too. Fix your lack of empathy.” Pm-Me-Owls

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Phobia or not it doesn’t excuse all the damage and mess her freakout caused. She should be cleaning whatever she messed up and paying for whatever’s broken.” JohnnyCageTheLegend

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Lotus1382 1 year ago
Honestly... I think this is an ESH moment. Your sister is definitely a jerk because she reacted so badly to the bug (even if I understand the feeling, she had no need to be knocking stuff around and even hitting you). It sounds like she learned this fear from your mom, unless there was a traumatic event that you didn't mention, making your mom a jerk too. Your dad is a jerk for telling your sister that she "babied" her fear instead of helping her or getting her therapy when she was first showing her reactions to be so extra to those nasty things. You are a jerk for yelling at your sister (even though I get you were mad that she hit you and broke your screen a little more). However, I don't think you are a jerk for being upset at your phone breaking a little more or for being hit multiple times, just for yelling.
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11. AITJ For Not Giving My Depressed Student A Special Reading List?


“I’m a professor at a relatively big university in the UK. I co-teach a first-year undergraduate class with a colleague that runs for the entire year across two terms in which I teach for the first term and he teaches for the second (this is normal in the UK).

After I was done teaching my portion of the module (what they call courses here), I had a student come to my office during hours with a dilemma.

She said she was having a hard time understanding and processing all the course materials. I asked her if she had done any of the required readings or come to my lectures so I could figure out what she might’ve missed and she said she had done none of the readings and hadn’t come to any of my lectures.

When I asked her why she said she was dealing with clinical depression in her first year and that she wasn’t able to attend because of it.

I also dealt with depression when I was an undergraduate and I know how debilitating it can be. I asked her how she felt I could best help her and she said the most important thing to her was passing the course, specifically the end of the year exam that she felt she wasn’t prepared for.

Note that at this point the exam was a full 5 months away. Specifically, she asked for a ‘special’ reading list with ‘all the important’ readings on it to help her prepare. Now, the bog-standard response to a student request like this is to say that all the readings in the booklet (what they call the syllabus here) are important.

She more or less told me she wanted a more specific reading list that covered what would be on the exam, which only I know. Keep in mind that the booklet has readings specifically listed in terms of their importance and essentiality to the course.

I felt it wouldn’t be fair to the other students if I gave this student a more specific guide to the course even if she was having mental health issues, because, for all I know, many of my other students might be having the same issues but didn’t ask.

In addition, reading stuff ‘just for the exam’ does not build the context necessary for understanding the course material as a whole and I was doubtful that a more specific reading list would help her perform better on the exam. So I said I couldn’t do that for her but I could help her by putting in extra time, through email, meetings, or Skype to talk her through the stuff she might be struggling with in order to get her caught up.

I also told her to see if she couldn’t get a mental health concession to potentially make things easier on her, either by extending the exam or giving her more exam time or something.

She seemed upset when I made her this offer and left my office. I’m 99% sure I’m going to get a negative student evaluation from her.

Yet, I felt as though I was as helpful and as sympathetic to her issues as I could be while considering the ethical limitations of the help I could give. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You did exactly the right thing. You don’t change the course for someone who needs accommodations, and you certainly don’t give them hints as to what will be on the exam.

But you do follow your institution’s policy (which you did by suggesting she seek the appropriate concessions, which are usually to extend deadlines or exam time).

Your course, and all accredited courses, would mean nothing if we let people with impairments just pass them with less work, instead of actually supporting them to get the needed work done in a different way (more time, more support, a special room for exams with fewer distractions, etc).

Otherwise, you would be essentially lying: giving a passing grade to someone communicates that they learned the material to a certain degree, so don’t give it if they didn’t.

Also, it is not your call to determine what level of accommodations she needs, or other students need them as well or even more than her.

That’s why institutional policies exist. You aren’t her psychiatrist or therapist.” marktwainbrain

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

If the student gives you a bad review because of this, then my assessment would be NTJ.

Clinical depression… sucks. On top of that being a student, they may not have the perspective to understand why you can’t give them what they are asking for.

IMO your offer was above and beyond. You didn’t just offer what is essentially a sheet (which as you pointed out wouldn’t actually help) you offered to help them with understanding the material.

I hope they seek accommodations from the university, including a late withdrawal if appropriate. (I had that happen – a specific office at the University requested a withdrawal after the usual date because of the student’s MH; they just needed my signature to approve it.

Of course, I signed it.)” Kettlewise

Another User Comments:

“NTJ — Simply telling her what’s going to be on the exam isn’t gonna do her any favors long term. I hated doing the readings in university but did well just from attending lectures. Are the lecture notes available online? If she focuses on just those, for instance, she might be able to pass.

Depression is debilitating, but as a teacher or professor, you can only provide so much help without it being unfair to the other students. Suggesting she focus on lecture notes, or a couple of the more essential texts in the booklet might help her on her way, as executive dysfunction can often be part of depression, so she simply doesn’t know where to begin, and instead ends up not doing anything at all.” giovannisguillotine

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rbleah 1 year ago
She did not attend ANY lectures nor read anything she needed to, then expect you to basically GIVE her what she wanted? NTJ
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10. AITJ For Asking My Host Not To Smoke In The House When I'm There?


“So I have a sister who has smoked for the past 10 years or so. She used to always step outside for smoke breaks, but the roommate in her apartment that didn’t like smoking recently moved out and now she and her other roommates smoke inside.

Before going over one night, I asked in advance that they not smoke inside while I’m over, and she said that was fine. Later in the evening, she put me and my wife on the spot and asked if it was fine for her to just smoke inside. It was pretty awkward for me and my wife because we were in a group setting so we just said that it was fine.

The next time I saw my sister, I brought this up and said I didn’t appreciate being put on the spot like that, and that I want to make it clear that I don’t want to sit in their secondhand smoke. She apologized and I figured this was the end of it.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I’m over at her apartment sitting outside and her roommate asks me if we were to go inside if they can just open the windows for them to all smoke inside.

I didn’t really answer because I knew I wouldn’t be staying late but I’m just feeling pretty irritated that it keeps coming up and none of them are willing to take smoke breaks outside while a non-smoker is over. I realize it isn’t my home so it isn’t up to me what they do there, but I’m irritated they keep putting me on the spot at awkward times when I’ve made my position pretty clear.

I’m hoping to bring this more recent experience up and thinking that I might say that anytime they are smoking inside that I will have to step outside or that I am going to have to stop coming over altogether if that doesn’t work.

AITJ for having this boundary in the first place and now escalating it?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for laying down the boundary and choosing to remove yourself when she crosses it. Meaning, that you can’t dictate that she can’t smoke in her own house, but you CAN ask that if she wants you to come to her house, to please not smoke while you’re stuck in the room with her.

She shouldn’t be agreeing beforehand that she won’t smoke, then switching things up on you once you’re already there, and if she does, she REALLY shouldn’t be getting upset with you for standing up and saying that you gotta go now.

Like, she’s welcome to smoke in her own house if she really wants but she can’t be upset that people don’t want to breathe that in.

I’d say, the next time she invites you over, say, ‘Sure, I’d love to come, but I’m just letting you know in advance, I really can’t handle the smoke so if you feel the need to smoke inside, I’ll have to leave and see you another time.’ Then it’s her prerogative if the smoking inside is more important to her than having your company.” Ittsbitts

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. She asked and because it’s a group situation you agreed then much later you picked the topic up and told her, it is not okay. I get it. Don’t get me wrong. I hate smoke and it makes me wanna leave but I am still respecting the home of a smoker.

And if not, I would openly ask if it’s okay for them to smoke outside today. You never did that. And that’s the reason for YTJ for me. Not the request but your behavior and if your sister says no, you have to accept it. Yes and No are the acceptable answer. Yours could be leaving in that case.” MasterpieceOk4688

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – NTJ for having a boundary of not wanting to be stuck inhaling someone else’s toxic secondhand smoke. YTJ for continually pushing what you want them to do inside their home. You asked if they would only smoke while outside, and while they agreed they clearly have an issue with it (a jerk move on their part for going back on the agreement, they could have just said no), and you keep pushing them on it even though their actions have made their feelings on the subject clear.

Now you need to decide how to move forward, either drop it and deal with the smoke when you go over there; Go over for short periods of time when you can remain outdoors; Let them know you will no longer be going over there because you don’t like being in the smoke.” perfectly_peculiar

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TeaLikeTheDrink 1 year ago
I can ask my husband to smoke outside because we have kids and he's the only one that smokes. We also live together. Do you live there? No. Are there kids involved? No. Is it your significant other? No. Therefore, you don't got a jerk say in anything that happens, especially if you are the minority. If anything like YOU should be the one that leaves if you don't like the smoke.
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9. AITJ For Asking My Sister Not To Bring My Ex In My Home?


“My significant other (27f) and I (27m) just had our baby boy 3 months ago.

Unexpectedly we opened our place up to my sister (26f) beginning of March. Her ex was unfaithful to her so she ended up moving out of his apartment. For now, she’s just saving up coins and looking for her own apartment. It’s not ideal but we wanted to help.

The issue’s been she keeps inviting my ex over all the time.

Background info: My ex and sister were friends all through high school, she and I got together for a year then we broke up. The thing about her is she was a huge bully and yeah it makes me cringe remembering I dated someone horrible like her. My significant other was unfortunately one of her victims when we were all in school.

Wish I could say she changed but she’s just as mean as before. She has a habit of roaming around our place. Making stupid comments about what a mess it is (hello we have a baby) and pointing out how ‘tired’ my SO looks, or she ‘read about how moms never lose that baby weight but she wouldn’t lose hope either’ in a fake polite voice whenever she sees my SO practicing some postpartum exercises.

Always some ‘joke’ about her body.

My SO has kicked her out a couple of times then my sister gets mad and defensive because she needs support right now and my ex is the only person she can really confide in. She knows her personality is a lot but she’s asked to not make this about us right now while she’s trying to pick up her life.

The last time my sister let her in after we told her we don’t want my ex in the house I said she better get comfy with the idea of sleeping in her car or some shelter because she’s going to be out of the street if it happened again. A big old fight ensues.

My sister started crying for threatening her with everything else that was already going on and she can’t believe how hard it could be to just let her have a friend when she was feeling vulnerable. I’ve honestly never seen my sister that upset so that’s why I’m questioning if I’m a jerk.

She keeps making it seem like I’m this piece of work for wanting to make her homeless over petty comments that don’t even mean anything.

It’s just hard on everyone right now. My concern is my partner and child, but yeah my sister’s been through awful stuff too so IDK. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your sister is being done a favor. She can have the support of her bullying friend online. She can call. She can write. She cannot have her over. She has seen the behavior and the fact she doesn’t see it as an issue? That’s not acceptable. She is in a hard situation so needs to step up, accept boundaries, and not do things that make her unwelcome.

This is HER responsibility.

You and your wife are doing her a favor. I would sit down and spell out any further attempts as emotional manipulation. She should ask someone else for support. Post-pregnancy is hard enough without being harmed. You and your wife cannot risk her mental health for your sister because that risks harming everyone.

Make it clear that this is not negotiable and you’re not forbidding her from going to visit but this will not be tolerated. I would add that ‘I love you or you wouldn’t be here right now.’ She is not entitled to this favor.

I say this having been homeless twice. It’s scary to not know when you’re going to have a home.

At least she has options besides the street. I did not. So from my perspective, your sister is being entitled and very foolish.” FirebirdWriter

Another User Comments:

“YTJ because you haven’t already kicked her out. You allowed your sister to bring a toxic ex into your house with a new mom and baby and didn’t throw her out immediately???

And this person was a bully in the past to your SO? God, no. Your sister should have been told right that second – never again. If she wants to stay then the EX never sets foot in the house again and when she started her crying crap then she could cry while packing her bags.

If she’s such a good friend to the ex then she can go live with her. MAN UP!” SatelliteBeach123

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your sister, and the ex are. but, you should think about your girl and baby and actually kick her out when/if she does it again. Your girl doesn’t need this on top of being just a few weeks postpartum and your baby doesn’t need the stress it can most certainly feel from her.

Baby and mom both need a calm, stress-free home to safely bond.

Your ex saying mean stuff to your girl just makes herself ugly on the inside AND outside, so she can shove her vile comments.

Your sister is being manipulative and sounds like an awful person too, especially by defending the ex over her SIL.

She’s obviously not caring about her newborn nephew or your rules at all and she should probably just live with your ex.

I hope everything goes well for you and your girl. Your first time with your baby should be a time to get to know each other and have fun, not all this!” moondashiie

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for allowing your sister to live with you this long. Do you know what happens after a woman gives birth? What if her bullying ways make your girl fall into post postpartum depression with the ways your ex is getting on the mother of your child. Honestly, I can’t believe your girl is still there she threw your ex out more than twice and you DON’T have her back.

You better pick now you want to be on your manipulative sisters’ side or the mother of your child who just had YOUR kid. YTJ.” NoFlight5759

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Delight 1 year ago
Everybody has problems. That's not a pass to be mean or ungrateful. How about she show you & your girl some gratefulness for the sacrifice you've made. How about she care about the struggles ya'll have with a new baby & new long term house guest. SHE should be bending over backward to stay in your good graces & support you. And don't do something stupid like "biting the hand that feeds her." If she wants you to "look out for her," she should be willing to do the same. You didnt owe her a place to stay & you definitely dont owe her a human punching bag.
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8. AITJ For Picking Up A Piano Online?


“I and my roommates just moved into a new place. We are musical people and people give away old pianos for free all the time on the online marketplace and apps like Letgo. We found one we liked and enlisted the help of a friend with a truck to go pick it up. I asked the person on the app if 1 pm was okay to pick it up and she said yes and said her house was located across from a post office in a specific town and that she’d give me the address when I was getting close.

No biggie, logical enough.

As we got closer I messaged several times to try and get the address. No response. We get to the post office and wait a while for a response but don’t get one. We knock on some doors of the houses across the street and ask if they knew the person on the app but no one did.

We waited almost an hour. The app gives a general location of the seller, which was about a mile from where the post office was, so we drive in that direction and miraculously we see the piano from the street in the garage of a house. We pull into the driveway and I go knock on the door, but the house seems abandoned.

The neighbors approach and we say are there to pick up the piano and they say to go ahead and watch as we put it in the truck. We go home, with the piano, get it in the house and settle in. The seller messages me on Letgo at 6 pm absolutely furious that we took it.

5 hours after the agreed-upon time, for a free item, you could see from the road. She was not happy we found the address without her giving it to us proclaiming we could have taken anything even after I explained that her neighbors were there and we wouldn’t have taken it if no one was there.”

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. She shouldn’t have ghosted you, obviously, but you tracked down her address that she didn’t give you… if she had been home, that would have been incredibly intimidating to have a group of men (? I’m not sure) who she did not know to show up at her home.

And then on top of that, you took it out of her garage… I would’ve been fine if it had been on the curb, but that is her private property, and you had no right to enter and no right to take something from there, even if she left the door open or not and regardless of whether her neighbor said it was fine.” Jenh66

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I likely would have done the same thing. It was logically presumed that you could grab the piano. Besides, pianos aren’t just sitting outside of houses on a regular day. Why were they furious? But if it came down to a legal matter, I think you’d likely lose.” gorementor

Another User Comments:

“People give away old pianos for free all the time? I feel like the number of people who own pianos is not large enough to make that a wholly true statement.

Everyone sucks here.

She sucks for not contacting you. But you also suck for just taking a random piano you found near where you sent it.

I mean chances were high it was the piano up for an offer, but taking the word of a neighbor is sketchy.” Nixie_D

2 points - Liked by Stagewhisperer and SunnyDuckling611

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SunnyDuckling611 1 year ago
What if it had been the wrong piano
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7. AITJ For Suddenly Disinviting My Father 4 Days Before My Wedding?


“I got married in early February.

I have always been very close to my father and stepmom growing up. I always felt like they offered me a stable home for me to grow up in. I never had that with my mother. During the last few years of my parents’ marriage, my mother changed as a person.

She was a happy and cheerful person when we were younger. She really changed after the divorce. She was miserable, and I felt that. I could tell that she hated the fact that I preferred to live with my dad, but never verbalized her feelings.

She has been single since the divorce and refuses to date other people.

I always wanted to have joint birthday parties with my mom, dad, and stepmom, but my mom wouldn’t have it. She avoided my father like the plague. I never understood her behavior and resented her for it.

Quite naturally, I preferred my dad’s household over my mom’s. Anyways, right before my wedding, I was staying at my dad’s.

One night, I overheard my dad and stepmom reminiscing about how they met. Now they always told us that they met 6 months after the divorce at a library. Turns out, they lied.

They were talking about how my father couldn’t take his eyes off her the moment she walked into his office and how he wanted her from that moment on, and how he didn’t care that he had a pregnant wife at home.

Apparently, their first kiss was a few days after I was born, and the first time they slept together was on my parents’ 3rd anniversary. I was only a few months old back then. They were talking about how difficult it was for them to continue their relationship after they got caught when I was 5.

This was extremely shocking to me because my parents got divorced when I was 10. They were also making fun of my mom’s weight.

This meant that they carried on an affair throughout my parents’ marriage. I remember my mom changing for the worse when I was in second grade.

My mom always knew and she never told me.

I broke down crying that night and I felt really guilty because of the way I acted toward my mom growing up. I had no idea she went through so much. I was lied to in my first relationship in college and it destroyed me. I felt horrible.

That night, I didn’t confront my dad but the next morning, I packed my stuff up and transferred the amount he had spent on my wedding.

I didn’t want his moolah. I told him I heard everything and asked him to stay away from my wedding.

I left their house and drove to my mom’s. I hugged her really hard and we both cried.

I had my mom walk me down the aisle, and I made sure my dad’s family didn’t attend the wedding.

I didn’t explicitly disinvite my half-brother, but he stayed away from my wedding and I’m actually glad he didn’t come.

I don’t think I want anything to do with any of them anymore.

I’ve heard that my dad is on anti-depressants nowadays. My grandma blames me for his depression.

Did I overreact? I still don’t want anything to do with him.

My dad’s family think I was and I am being cruel to him.


Another User Comments:

“YTJ. This is hard – because in no way do I actually think you’re a bad person and trust me I understand the emotional turmoil you have experienced with this. I had an almost identical experience growing up and didn’t find out until I was 19 – (the minor difference is that I’ve always hated my stepmother).

Anyway, my reason for YTJ is that your father’s infidelity – while not an acceptable behavior by any means – does not discount what sounds like good fathering most of the time. And also – he clearly loves and cares about you so to cut him off like that in my opinion is cruel.

People make mistakes, and sometimes they hurt people.

However, your dad lying to your mom really doesn’t have much to do with you specifically, and in my opinion, it shouldn’t affect your relationship with him. Also – (haha I didn’t realize I’d have so much to say so hopefully someone reads this and it wasn’t a total waste) to clarify – I reacted much like you initially.

I was angry and didn’t speak to my dad for a while, but ultimately, now that I have lost a parent (my mom died three years ago) I would never put myself in a position to lose precious time with a loved one over something like their relationship choices unless they were deliberately harming me in some way.

Life is too precious and too short to cut people who you love (and love you) out. Maybe I’m in the minority here, and again I get where your head is at, and being angry is reasonable… but ultimately I hope you reconnect with your father soon and can move past this.” nielse73

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your dad is reaping the misery that he sowed. For years, he let you think that your mom was unhappy all on her own; he never took accountability for his own actions. Your own mom even kept quiet about his shameful behavior, and he didn’t stop you from resenting her. He probably ate it up.

That’s because people who lie tend to be selfish – the most selfish, in fact. It’s not enough that he had two women pining for him at once; his ego got a boost from his daughter rejecting her mother on his behalf. What he did was awful.

Your mom is a strong woman. Honestly, I would be upfront with my kids if something similar happened to me.

I wouldn’t disparage the lying spouse, but I would tell them why we were divorcing in an age-appropriate and matter-of-fact manner. Your mom instead opted to let you see with your own eyes what kind of people your father and stepmother really are. The fact that they caused your mother so much pain over the years and then have the audacity to sit there and make fun of her weight is appalling.

They wronged her, but rather than facing up to their hideous behavior, they take jabs at the poor woman in order to build themselves up. Disgusting.

When you disinvited your father and exited from his life, you actually made him face a consequence that he had avoided for years. He had been living fancy-free with his mistress and his loving daughter until then.

His grandma is wrong to blame you; if she were any kind of decent mother, she would have held her own son’s feet to the fire years ago when he deeply betrayed his own wife. As a woman, she should be repulsed at how her son treated another woman. She needs to leave you out of it.

If you decide to forgive your father, so be it. That’s your decision. But don’t do it out of a place of guilt. After all, your mother managed to survive all these years; your father can figure it out.” mockingbird82

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – You could have handled that a lot better, it was far from ideal

So let’s unpack why I believe this and I’m open for discussion, because I may have read this wrong. While I know it’s hard, I think humanity is better off treating the individual relationships they have with others within a bounded context. I.E. if your Dad was a great father, but you later realize he was an awful husband, that doesn’t negate your relationship.

Now it gets a bit trickier as relationship contexts do bleed into one another, but my mother is probably one of the best examples I have of managing this. Until recently, my Father was not a good Dad but a very good husband, which meant my Mum would love him for the husband part but fight with him constantly other the Father aspect since they are my parents together.

In your scenario, the reverse seems to be true, and while your Dad has most definitely treated your mum grotesquely, this was not aimed at you. People can say such awful things and be horrible people when people aren’t listening. Even the people you hold dearest are probably like that sometimes. It’s a shame she had to go through 10 years of that, she seems like the real victim here and I can’t speak for why she didn’t leave sooner and move on and get her own happiness.

Unfortunately, it seemed like your Father would have been better off marrying your step mum and not your mum, if he had maybe he would have not fooled around with another woman.

However, now you have effectively pulled the pin that fractured your family without giving your father a chance to make amends now that you have the power to force him to address these issues.

Now I’m not blaming his sins on you, however, shutting out someone who you’ve loved for so long like that is honestly terrible. Family should be the last people in your corner no matter much you screw up as long as there is a good chance they can change. If your family is trash there will come a time they are irredeemable and then you have the moral high ground to cut them off.

If handled better your Dad should have to come clean and atone for his sins in front of the family and then he should pledge to make amends and finally forgive, this would potentially give some relief to your mother.

Hey if you want nothing to do with them that’s on you, maybe you have the fortitude to cut him out for life and not regret it.

Though if you feel you’ll eventually want to patch things up with him, then don’t wait till then and do it now before things worsen with time. Grudges like this will only hurt your family as a whole, and you can be the bigger person and lead the healing process. The rash cut off from the wedding, including the rest of the family that had nothing to do with it is a rash judgment.

Even if everyone thinks I’m wrong about your part to play in this, please take away the part about striving to make your family as functional and cooperative as possible.” Controversiallity

1 points - Liked by SunnyDuckling611 and StumpyOne

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Delight 1 year ago
Not fair to saddle OP with the weight of the whole family. She cant make them more functional or more cooperative...
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6. WIBTJ If I Question My Friend's Lung Cancer?


” “I have a friend (F24) who’s known for being a drama queen. On social media, she regularly posts dramatic things, claims to have no friends, or is sick with something. Anything for attention, and quite regularly gets into arguments online and then posts about it to stir the pot. Lately, she’s been even more active on social media.

About 4 hours ago, she posted that last week she got diagnosed with lung cancer, and said it was due to her smoking.

So far I’ve only said the usual sorries and offered to be there for her as I know it’s tough since I’ve lost family members to cancer, but something feels really off about it.

Would I be a jerk if I maybe question it and dig a little deeper?

Also, just a quick mention: she hasn’t said anything about going to the doctors or being tested for anything like that. This is completely out of the blue.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ because why would you be friends with someone who lies so much and is so untrustworthy you would doubt that they actually have lung cancer when they post it on social media.Whether its true or not don’t think this friendship is a strong one, either you don’t trust her so much you’d think she’d lie about cancer, or you’re friends with someone who would lie about cancer.” User

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. This literally has zero impact on you, so I don’t understand why nothing more than a gut feeling would cause you to respond in this way. Unless she is actively taking moolah from people for her illness or you have any proof, please stay away. What if she DOES have cancer?

How awful would you feel then?” vavavoom17

Another User Comments:

“Based on her past behavior and your own experience with cancer, your doubt is valid, but YWBTJ. She can both have cancer and announce it to everyone, as it still aligns with her past behavior.

Also, she can choose whether or not to share more info about her diagnosis.

Let her be, and wait and see if she does share more info. But don’t question her especially if you ultimately mean to expose her or something; she could very well be telling the truth.” thisoneisoutofnames

1 points - Liked by SunnyDuckling611

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rbleah 1 year ago
You need a new friend. She seems to be WAY too needy and attention seeking. She will drain you emotionally and not care about you.
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5. AITJ For Telling My Truth About Parenthood?


I was visiting a friend at work. I had my daughter with me in her Bjorn and a couple of girls came in who were about 19-20 years old. One immediately started gushing about how cute my baby was and I was thinking hey I have a cute baby so gush away. She asked me how was motherhood and what she has to look forward to.

I asked if she wanted the truth, and she said yes, and I told her just that. I don’t hate motherhood, but if I had a restart button I’d definitely do some things differently.

I basically told her if she likes not waking up to a crying baby, taking long showers, or taking uninterrupted naps, motherhood might not be for her at the moment.

I said that I will admit with the bitterness that my daughter was conceived almost immediately after I finished college so I didn’t have a break. I literally went from one stressor to another, and I figured it would be prudent to tell someone who still has a chance to control these things, to get them under control unless that is something they truly want.

My husband said I should’ve lied to her and it was a jerk thing for me to do to tell her my truth like that.


ETA: There seems to be a bit of confusion. The statements I made were not made to my already pregnant friend. She was with me through my entire pregnancy and my first few weeks of postpartum recovery.

This information was given to the college girl who had self-proclaimed baby fever.”

Another User Comments:


Having kids is not for everyone. It’s hard work, even when you have an already established career and want to settle down. I’m in my early 30s, am pretty privileged in the life I have and it’s still an adjustment to parenthood.

I can only imagine the added stressor of being fresh out of college.

You were just honest and direct. You didn’t sugarcoat it and now this wide-eye college gal better idea of what to expect when she has her own adorable baby. She’s better off for it. I think your hubby may be more hurt about what is implied by what you said than the actual words themselves (you may not be completely happy about parenthood… which honestly is a fair statement too).” AMCodaMonkey

Another User Comments:

“Maybe a soft YTJ because the advice of, ‘If you don’t like (a very enjoyable thing) then maybe motherhood isn’t for you’ is kinda a rude thing to say. It’s not like she can just turn around on her path to motherhood unless you were implying she should think about abortion. Which, depending on how close the two of you are, is kinda messed up.

I hope you gave her some actual useful but tough to hear advice as well. I’m sure she wanted to hear about ways to make it through the nitty-gritty of becoming a new mom, not just enjoy life-sucking more now.” TiptoeJenkins

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Parenthood is like prescribed medicine. When a doctor gives you a prescription for new medication, you’re given the list of side effects and briefed on what could happen, fair warning.

But the same medicine affects different people differently. You may feel some of the side effects, none of them, or all of them. And you’re allowed to find a second medical opinion. Becoming a parent is life-changing, no doubt. So if people ask for advice, they’re asking for your personal experience but it’s fair warning taken with a grain of salt.” Nova_Score

Another User Comments:

“Light YTJ because you were being honest about your experience which she asked for, but you need to understand that not everyone will have the experience you’re having and you should have included that sentiment when you talked to her. Now she’s probably terrified that she’s going to hate being a mom or something just because you’re happening to have a hard time.

Every mom has a different experience. That’s like telling someone who is approaching driving age that driving is awful and you immediately got into a car accident after getting your license. It’s different for everyone so telling her that her experience will likely be negative isn’t right.

It’s moms like you that made me terrified when I first got pregnant.

I would mention how tired I was and they would immediately tell me how I would never sleep well again once the baby was here, or I would say I was hungrier than normal and they would tell me to enjoy eating while I can because the baby won’t let me finish a hot meal once he’s here.

I was genuinely dreading the newborn stage for this reason. Finally, I talked to some other moms about my concerns and they reassured me that not EVERYONE has experiences like that and that I will love my baby regardless of any hardships.

So while your experience is difficult at the moment and I’m sorry for that, don’t use it to scare other expecting moms into thinking theirs will be like that.

Your statement is not going to ‘prepare’ her like you think, it’s just going to make her think motherhood is miserable. There’s nothing wrong with talking about your hardships as long as you include the fact that every mom and baby are different and her experience could be nothing like that because that’s the whole truth.

Saying what you said but including a disclaimer would have been constructive and made you NTJ.” thesunglasseskid

-1 points - Liked by StumpyOne

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TeaLikeTheDrink 1 year ago
NTJ...I'd do things differently too...I hated pregnancy, love my kids, but don't exactly care for motherhood either. When you can't even take a piss in peace, it gets to you. Not all truths are yours, but she can ask all the women she wants to give her honest advice. Some are gonna say run far and fast, some are gonna say it's their biggest pride and joy. You aren't a jerk for sharing your experience.
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4. AITJ For Asking That My Daughter Be Invited To Her Step-Sibling's Birthday Party?


“I have a daughter, Alice (age 9), she has cerebral palsy and uses mobility aides but can walk and talk. Her dad has gotten remarried two years ago to Melissa, who has two kids of her own. Her daughter is 12 and her son is 10. Her son, J, is having a birthday party next weekend at this l indoor play place for older kids and families.

I work a 2-3-2 schedule and next weekend will be working 12 hours both days. Usually, Alice has a babysitter I trust if her dad can’t step in, but my sitter is unavailable and my ex is offshore for the next two weeks.

I asked Melissa if Alice can come with J to his party.

This isn’t the kind of place where you need a reservation for kids to come and play. You just pay to play and eat at the cafeteria inside but can bring your own cake for parties.

Melissa told me no. She said Alice will be one of the only girls and won’t be able to enjoy the party due to her cerebral palsy.

While Alice can’t do all the activities ,she loves watching other people play video games and is very outgoing. Plus there are plenty of games to choose from.

I offered to drop off Alice myself and pick her up from Melissa’s house after my shift is over. Melissa wouldn’t budge and said it will just be her watching seven kids, so they can’t keep an eye on Alice to make sure she’s ok.

She doesn’t need a minder and I told Melissa as much, but she said she’s not changing her mind.

I called my ex’s mom and asked if she could watch Alice. She said no, she’ll be at J’s party. I said I thought only Melissa will be there and she said no, she’s also going plus Melissa’s sister.

So I contacted Alice’s dad and told him what was going on. He’s understandably PO’d that Melissa is excluding Alice and said he’d talk to her.

Melissa has since contacted me saying I didn’t need to undermine her and get so petty, I should learn to take no for an answer and not run to my ex whenever I don’t get my way.

I let her know she shouldn’t treat her stepdaughter like a burden. My ex’s mom has offered to bring Alice to the party but I don’t know that at this point. I’m still looking for another sitter currently. This whole situation feels tainted. Idk if I’ve done something wrong or should have just let it go.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. In your responses to others here you admit you wouldn’t have asked had your sitter been available. There is a saying ‘failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.’

So you weren’t really wanting your daughter to be included at the party just wanted a free sitter.

It even sounds like you expected her to watch her for more than just the party as well. She said she didn’t want to babysit. Maybe if you would have offered her some amount because you expect her to babysit it might have gone down different. The moment she said no and you went to others to try to get her to change her mind made you a jerk.

Accept she does not want to nor does she have to watch your child. Your work schedule is not her problem. Either find another sitter or don’t go to work.” BubblyShae

Another User Comments:

“I might have to go with ‘everyone sucks here’?

I get the feeling that if you had child care, your daughter attending the party or not wouldn’t be an issue.

However, because you don’t have child care, the party becomes plan C for child care coverage. Priority being child care, not so much about the daughter having fun.

It sounds like in your continuing quest to secure child care, you also uncovered that Melissa wasn’t exactly truthful in her reasoning for declining the request.

Melissa is a jerk because it sounds like she didn’t want to admit that she simply didn’t want to be responsible for your daughter.

There could be many reasons why. You are comfortable by now with your daughter’s disabilities, but she may not be. She might be intimidated, worried about causing an injury, or doing the wrong thing. The way she lied to you, however, leads me to believe she simply doesn’t want to be ‘Bothered’ or ‘Saddled’ with the responsibility of looking after your daughter.

NTJ about calling her out. She should have been honest. If it was simply inexperience making her hesitant, I think things could be worked out and it might even help the two bond as step people.

Also, it was HIS birthday party. Maybe he just wanted a b-day party with friends and not his icky sisters.

This is a thing that happens.” LockSea8204

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. It’s not her responsibility to watch your child, if your regular babysitter isn’t available then you need to find someone else. I understand asking, but if she says no, just take that as an answer. Say okay and then keep calling around.

I know it hurts for her not to want your daughter at the party, but did you ever think she planned it so she could have a party for her child and their friends.

My kids love their little cousin but they don’t always want her at their parties because they want to hang out with their friends and not be bothered by her, and don’t say your daughter wouldn’t bother. If she would leave them alone with their friends and wander around on her own, then why insist she go to the party.” GanonLady

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. You’re not the jerk for asking, I see other people’s opinions about free babysitting and I totally understand how that could come out jerk-esque so that’s the only jerk part in my opinion. I don’t even think pushing it was that much of a jerk part since you were just trying to find somebody else to watch Alice and found out that the ex-wife was kind of a jerk herself by lying.

I’m definitely understanding of why the ex-wife does not want to take on that extra responsibility when she hast to watch multiple other people and she wants to make sure nobody gets hurt but her lying kind of undermines her stance here.” Acrobatic_Shape603

-1 points - Liked by StumpyOne

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lasm1 1 year ago
YTJ. And Melissa was right. You also don't get to force your daughter on her. Learn to take no for an answer.
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3. AITJ For Evicting An Old Woman Over A Cat?


“I’m a pretty successful landlord in my area. I’ve been renting out properties for about 20 years, and it’s let me purchase a nice home and pay for private school tuition for my kids. However, every once in a while, I get some real problem tenants.

Anyways, here’s the story. My properties have an unconditional no pets rule.

I don’t care to take care of the messes or damage that results from having pets. More importantly, many of the tenants bring in pets that are illegal (my city has a pit bull ban and of course bans on exotic pets), and I find that it’s just simpler to ban all pets than to let people weasel out with stuff like ‘oh it’s a great dane-labrador mix and she’s the sweetest thing.’ I also don’t allow cats because I’m allergic.

Enter Mary.

Mary is an 86-year-old woman who lives in one of my properties. Shortly after she moved in, I went over to check on her property, make sure she was moved in well, and everything. She now had a cat. Obviously, this was in violation of the contract, so I told her she had to get rid of it.

I figured that this was said and done – I’d come back and the cat would be gone. It was a young cat, so I didn’t imagine there would be separation anxiety or anything.

Anyways, a few weeks ago, I went back over to the apartment and noticed the cat was still there. This frustrated me – it’s my property, I made the rules clear, and here still was the cat.

I told her that she was being evicted, and formally served her later that day. A few days after I served her, the health crisis really began in earnest. My lawyer assured me that I would be legally clear, having started proceedings before the crisis, but my poker buddies tell me I’m a jerk for kicking her out – she doesn’t have much family or anything, but the way I see it, I was just enforcing my rules.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – kind of. I get your rule. However, She’s 86. Has no family. Has a cat. And you want to kick her out because she didn’t want to get rid of her companion? During a health crisis? In which elderly people are high risk?

No pets like large dogs or exotic animals make sense.

A cat seems like an overreaction.

Did you talk to her and ask her if she understood the rules? Speaking personally, when I have encountered a ‘no pets’ rule cats are always exempted.

Plus knowing the animal ‘mess’ is your concern, you could have opted to add a policy that she would pay for cleaning if for some reason the cat left a mess.

Most cats don’t though, especially if it’s just one with access to a litter box.

It’s your rule, I get it, but it seems that there may have been a lack of empathy, understanding, or discussion around it. As someone who’s super perspective of my grandparents, you’d be the jerk in my mind.” RedForFall

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Legally as a landlord, you’re probably in the clear. But you came here for our jerk verdict to determine if you should feel guilty or not, and you should. ‘Business’ may be black and white but a human being isn’t. She’s an almost NINETY-YEAR-OLD woman living alone during a health crisis.

You are a jerk if you aggressively push this eviction right now. Please consider instead telling her that her lease will not be renewed (unless she gets rid of the cat). And then add a fine to your future leases for pets found in the apartment with a clear timeline for removal and/or eviction.

Your allergy is irrelevant because you won’t be entering her apartment during a health crisis, and if you can afford private school you can afford to deep clean one apartment. Again, whether or not you are legally in the clear is separate from whether you are morally in the clear- and as a jerk, you’re not.” knapen50

Another User Comments:


Legally you are in the right and the rules are on your side. Morally, you have behaved cruelly. Laying down and enforcing rules is a necessity and you must protect your own interests – but you have a considerable degree of power here, and you don’t need to make it a zero-sum game.

Consider the following:

She is an elderly woman with no family. She is likely isolated and lonely, and the companionship of her cat may be the only thing that makes her life bearable. The purpose of the no-pet rule is to avoid damage and expense, yet you do not mention seeing any evidence that the cat is causing damage.

It is also not a potential danger or nuisance to other residents in the same way that a dangerous/loud dog or a pet snake might be.

Yes, she broke the rules. But it seems to me that she has done very little harm to anyone in doing so, and probably gained a lot of comfort from the cat at a time in her life when she is very lonely and vulnerable.

By contrast, you are a wealthy and successful person with a nice house, friends, and a well-provided-for family – that is not a criticism, but you are able to hurt her far more than she is able to hurt you.

Giving up a pet that you have an emotional bond with is agonizing – while it seems this all took off before 2020, it is not currently possible for her to find an alternative home either for the cat or herself.

At her age, either option is likely to be distressing and exhausting for her.

I would advise that you take steps to try and find a kinder way if you can. Let her keep the cat but pay a deposit, or make ownership dependent on ensuring damage does not occur; ask her to vacuum/clean and shut the cat away in a room prior to your visits; advise her not to discuss her cat with other tenants in order to prevent being inundated with requests to make other exceptions.

It is true that she would be enjoying a privilege that other tenants don’t, but in my opinion, it’s justifiable because no harm of the kind the rules were designed to avoid has been caused, and because her quality of life is probably immeasurably improved by her pet due to her age and situation.

If none of the above is acceptable, please try to help her either find a new place or re-home the cat with a good shelter or loving family – enforce the rules compassionately and with patience.” frivolouscake7

-1 points - Liked by StumpyOne and thmo

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TeaLikeTheDrink 1 year ago
Dude, she's 85 and probably lonely. I'm saying YTJ on moral grounds, not legal grounds, and you know damn well youare.
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2. AITJ For Not Letting One Of My Best Friends Be My Maid Of Honor?


“Next year I (f23) will be marrying my future husband (m26). I have had the same group of best friends since we were all four years old.

When we were in our early teens, we made a circle system so that we would all each get the opportunity to be maids of honor at one of our weddings. This friend, let’s call her Grace was assigned to me.

I love absolutely love Grace. She lost her dad as a child and has been through a lot of mental health issues over the last decade, but I can’t help but have a massive grudge against her because of something that happened when we were 7.

I don’t remember all the details but in short, she told a teacher I was bullying her, and I got a massive scolding from my dad, I had never seen him angrier. She claims to have absolutely no recollection of this and says that even if it did happen I should excuse it because a) it was 16 years ago and b) only a month after her dad died and she was going through a lot.

When I met my current fiance, the topic of weddings came up in our best friends’ group chat. I told Grace that I wouldn’t want her to be my maid of honor, because of what happened when we were kids. I think she thought I was joking as when I recently brought it back up and asked one of our other best friends to be maid of honor instead, she was really upset claiming that if the only trauma I experienced was my dad telling me off I ‘got off lightly’ and that I need to stop holding such a grudge.

I think she’s being really unfair. All of our friends have told me I’m a jerk for not allowing her to be my maid of honor but at the end of the day, it’s my wedding, and I’m not going to change my mind to appease her.

AITJ for not wanting her to be my maid of honor?

EDIT – I admittedly haven’t been as sympathetic towards Grace as I should’ve been and have therefore sincerely apologized to her for that. My dad has no recollection of the event, and neither do I, so I have decided to put it behind me. I’ve asked Grace to be my maid of honor but her husband is not my biggest fan currently so I’m not sure what will come of it.”

Another User Comments:

“Girl… what?

Do you mean to tell me you would rather blame a 7-year-old child who’s Dad had just died, rather than your own father – the ONLY ADULT in the situation – for getting so angry at you that it stays with you to this day? Pardon my French but, are you screwed?

If your Dad seriously traumatized you by scolding you, then that is something you need to deal with through a therapist and/or with him. Instead, you’ve chosen to blame a girl who a) had just lost her own father, and b) WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD AT THE TIME. Also – you said she ‘claims to have no recollection’ which makes it seem as though you doubt this, even though you yourself have trouble remembering the details of the incident!

Yes, YTJ, and of course, you can have whoever you want at your wedding – but good luck trying to convince the rest of your friend group to support you when you can’t seem to get over a legitimately stupid grudge.

You are also the jerk for creating a throwaway with the username ‘frowningtears’ to make an AITJ post in which you play the victim.” givemeafreakingclue

Another User Comments:

“Look, it’s pretty obvious that what you’re actually upset about is that since you were seven you’ve felt you’ve had to share your father with Grace and had no say in the matter. I’m guessing that you often felt like your father was even prioritizing Grace over you. I’m guessing this childhood incident that is, honestly, pretty unremarkable in a grander scheme has stuck so hard with you because it is the first time you clearly felt that your father chose Grace over you.

Whether you’re conscious of it or not, it is the embodiment of all of your resentment for whatever you felt you were not getting from your father and Grace.

I am a little sympathetic because I have a father who was harsh on me and generally gave my friends and other kids preferential treatment because of his belief system on how children should be raised. The thing is, though, you need to recognize that that is not about Grace.

It’s about your father, your relationship with him, and your own feelings of insecurity with respect to his love and the love of other people you’re close to.

So yeah, don’t have Grace as your maid of honor, you clearly don’t like her and have mostly kept her in your life because you’re afraid other people you love will choose her if you didn’t.

But recognize that this probably will end some of your other friendships, and it won’t really solve your problem because you’ll still feel like that little girl who wants her dad to choose her even when she’s probably in the wrong, and it’s still going to impact your relationship with him and with others moving forward in your life.

So yeah, sorry, YTJ, mostly because it didn’t need to get to this point, and you don’t need to let it continue. Go address the real issue.” Nerdquisitor

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for a bunch of reasons but I’ll try to list off the worst ones.

It was 16 years ago, you were seven. She had just lost her father, it doesn’t matter if she lied about the bullying or if you were actually bullying her.

It has been 16 years and yet you’re still holding it against her. You claim to love her to pieces but you obviously contradict that.

Another odd thing is how you mention how much your future husband and father adore her. Are you sure you’re not resentful about all the attention she has gotten from the tragedies of her life?

She’s family, friends for that long become family so it’s only natural that your father and your future husband would care about her. It doesn’t make you any less of your father’s child or your fiancé’s future wife.

She has been through a lot, and yet you’re making this all about you.

It’s your wedding day but it’s also your future’s husbands wedding day as well. Although he won’t be picking your bridesmaids this will speak a lot about your character. It shows that you’re the type of person to never move on and to never let anything go and that you’ll always internalize everything.

Seriously; seek therapy. You hold resentment for the attention Grace gets, you made a promise when you were 14 and it would’ve made more sense to break it then.

If you don’t want Grace, that’s allowed. But your reasons are superficial and you’re trying to get sympathy against a 7-year-old whose father just passed.” ChillyvanvPurpli

-2 points - Liked by thmo

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TeaLikeTheDrink 1 year ago
Dude, you know you're a jerk. Holding onto a grudge NONE OF YOU can remember?! Seriously?! Are we five?!
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1. AITJ For Expecting My Partner To Remain Vegan?


“Me (18M) and my signfiicant other (20M) have been going out for a few months now. Before 2020 kicked in, we lived together on the same floor at our university hall. The food there is catered, and both of us would always go for the vegan option.

When I asked him if he was vegan too, he said he was, and we both kinda got really into it.

We were both in social media groups for vegans in our city that gave tips for cafés, recipes, etc., and a lot of the time he would fight with non-vegans online. He would get mad at people and talk about the rampant exploitation and torture of animal lives.

Safe to say, I was VERY surprised to find out that he was eating meat after we both went home. He’s gone back to his childhood home and his parents refuse to cook vegan food. We were talking on FaceTime and I asked him why he doesn’t just buy vegan food for himself, and even offered to help pay for it if it was a thing, but he was dismissive of it.

I called him out for it by calling him a hypocrite for parading around his care for Animal Rights just to turn around and eat meat. He got mad at me and said he would go vegan again when quarantine was over, but for now, his situation is ‘easier’. He hung up shortly after.

I feel like he is still mad at me.

Maybe being alone has been wearing me down emotionally, but veganism is important to me, and finding out it wasn’t as important to him as he presented himself to be… feels like a betrayal. I don’t know if I should apologize or drop it fully or break up or what. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here – The Dalai Lama, who not only abhors animal cruelty but is forbidden by his religion to participate in the slaughter of any sentient being, eats meat when he is on the road and it is offered to him by his hosts. You can research his reasoning on the net if you’re interested.

People go vegan for many different reasons. I mean, I get that it’s important to you, but it isn’t as important to your man. This will be a lifelong thing so you have to figure out if this is a deal-breaker for you.

You calling him out for being a hypocrite probably felt good but doesn’t really solve anything and he’s doing what he can in this unique situation we find ourselves in.” loudent2

Another User Comments:


You can hold whatever ethical codes you’d like. Your partner shared the same ethics with you. Wonderful.

However, your partner went to live with his parents and came to face a serious problem. He became hungry. To solve his problem, he chose to eat the food prepared by and for his parents.

Problem solved. He could have made other choices, like purchasing and preparing his own food. But he didn’t for whatever reason. When did this become your problem? Why should you have any influence over his choices?

It seems that you hold your ethical code in such high regard that you feel compelled to decide other people’s choices.

Many people find this obnoxious behavior. If this is a dealbreaker for you fine. Drop him like the hypocritical carnivore that he is. If it’s not, put up and shut up.” bolshoich

Another User Comments:


He’s promoting animals’ rights only when it suits him? Shaming non-vegans and then eating meat once it’s ‘easier’? That’s pretty hypocritical and jerkish.

If he had some legitimate reason (health issues, financial issues, etc.), then fine, but abandoning the whole lifestyle just out of laziness? Seems to me he was never really into it and just tried to, I don’t know, impress you? Or impress people in general, like ‘look at me, I’m a vegan, so I’m a better person than you.’ You didn’t force him to not eat the meat or anything, so I don’t see why you would be the ass here.

He knows this is a huge thing for you and he lied about it, basically. You have every right to be angry.” Heidi739

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. Not because he’s vegan at all. But because he’s the type of jerk to berate others for what they eat and then turn around and act offended when you’re shocked that he’s doing exactly what he campaigned against. If he had changed his stance entirely then that would be one thing.

But it’s another for him to only be eating meat right now because it’s convenient, and will likely be going right back to yelling at other people for it when this quarantine is all said and done.

As for you, yeah, back up and chill. Neither of you should be so obsessed about what other people eat.

The issue shouldn’t be what he’s eating at all. But at least you do recognize that his hypocrisy is a big deal. So honestly, he’s the bigger jerk in every regard: being so militant, whether genuine or just to impress you, and then reverting without a fuss after making such a show.” GlassReverie

-3 points - Liked by Stagewhisperer

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jesi1 1 year ago
Idk where his childhood home is, but where I am from in rural Missouri, there is one grocery store within a 30 mile radius and it's expensive as hell. There is no vegan/gluten free/ cage free, etc aisle.
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