People Ask Us What We Think Of Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

Coming to terms with your behavior is challenging. You can start to second-guess decisions you made years ago as you try to understand your state of mind at the time. These actions might've been harmful to those closest to you and maybe even to yourself. Here are some stories from people who are thinking about whether they've been jerks in the past, and now want us to confirm it for them. Continue reading and let us know who you believe is the jerk. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? YTJ = You're the jerk

20. AITJ For Telling My Daughter To Either Go To College Or Get A Job?


“I have two daughters, April (f18) and Jade (f15).

I’m a single mom, April and Jade’s dad and I got divorced around 13 years ago as he was having an affair. He’s never been in the picture for either of our girls after that.

When April was 16, she unexpectedly got pregnant. I took her to counseling to help her organize her thoughts and figure out what she wanted to do, and April decided she wanted to keep the baby.

The pregnancy and birth went smoothly and I now have a grandson Ollie (m2). The father is involved but he and April are no longer together. Ollie stays with his dad every weekend, and the dad’s parents give April money to go towards Ollie’s expenses.

Earlier this year, April graduated high school.

She’s been taking care of Ollie during the week but other than that she hasn’t been up to much. She keeps saying she’ll start looking for a job but hasn’t even started writing her resume.

Besides taking care of Ollie, she just sits at home watching TV. On multiple occasions, April has tried to leave Ollie with Jade so that she can go out partying which has led to huge arguments.

Last week, I talked to April and I told her that she needs to get a job or go to our local community college and that I’ll foot the bill for any childcare she needs for it to happen. I told her she needs to get a job or go to college in order to stay here.

April got upset and said that she doesn’t want a job or to go to college, she said she just wants to be a mom. She told me it can wait until Ollie starts school. I told her no and that she needs to start something so that she can support herself and be an independent adult.

April said I’m being unreasonable and that these things can wait until Ollie is in school full-time. She said that I’m asking her to ‘damage’ him and that he needs his mom.

It’s not that I don’t want April and Ollie here, I love them both, I just think I’d be setting a bad precedent by allowing April to continue to stay with me with no job and no education in the making.”

Another User Comments:


She’s getting to the point where she’s now tryna ditch the kid to go and party it up. She needs to get her crap together and stop acting like an immature brat. Plus being a stay-at-home mom requires being married to a partner who can afford it and leaving a kid behind with her minor sister to have fun outside and possibly wind up pregnant again is more damaging to a toddler than going to daycare while she prioritizes bettering her life for the both of them.” yonduDaddy

Another User Comments:


It seems like she is able to get by at the moment due to the support she receives from you and Ollie’s grandparents, but she needs to understand that that support will not be there forever, and she needs to start getting things in order so that she will be able to support herself and her child.

If she just sits around doing nothing for another few years, she is just falling farther and farther behind, and if she loses the financial support she is getting, she will have nothing to fall back on.

It seems pretty reasonable for her to start work or school, maybe just part-time for now, but then she will at least be making some progress toward independence.

A lot of schools offer online classes now, so maybe that would work as a place to start.

Seems like she needs some tough love.” Tdluxon

Another User Comments:


She’s 18. At 18 it’s reasonable to expect a child to do work or school if they want to continue living freely in the family home.

Something showing some type of intent to be able to support themselves eventually. She has extra reason to do that since she has a child relying on her.

You’re offering to cover childcare expenses, and assuming you’re offering decent childcare and not a scary cheap unlicensed daycare, you’re removing the main obstacle most young parents have with working or continuing their education.

So… yeah. I really don’t see how you’re a jerk here. Ollie isn’t your child, you never agreed to support a stay-at-home mom situation for his mom/your daughter, so that being what she wants isn’t really relevant. If that’s what she wants she has to find someone willing (and able) to support that, which you aren’t.” kittynaed

1 points - Liked by OwnedByCats

19. WIBTJ If I Moved Out?


“I (26f) live with my parents and younger brother (24). My older sister (30) moved out once she got married. I don’t agree with some of the values my family has and find myself defending my opinion a lot which my parents think is me being disrespectful. I’ve suffered from anxiety on and off for years due to this and some trauma I experienced as a teenager, and I regularly feel guilty for defending my point of view.

My parents have never taken an interest in my social life, they haven’t made an effort to get to know my friends or even learn their names. For context, I don’t drink, smoke, or do illegal stuff and go out twice a week, my parents still have issues with this. On the other hand, my brother does partake in certain activities, they are aware of this and he goes out daily but this isn’t an issue for them.

After confronting them on the situation previously they got mad and said my scenario is different because I’m a girl. There have been several situations similar to this where my brother has more freedom just because he’s male and this sometimes leads to conflict between us all.

My brother and I both work full-time jobs however I earn significantly more than him and provide the main source of income for our family, our parents are retired and don’t work.

Most of my week gets preoccupied with work which can be mentally draining. Despite this when I get home I try and help out where I can, by doing the dishes, helping to serve dinner, and cleaning up afterward. My brother however will come home and then get ready to go out again.

On the weekend my sister will usually drop off my nieces for us to babysit so she can complete some of her errands, and because of this I rarely get a day to myself to relax.

The other day my brother and I had an argument because I asked him to help clean up before dinner.

We both raised our voices but our mom was present and she kept repeatedly telling me to calm down while I was trying to get my point across, with my brother screaming at me in the back. I got fed up and went up to my room but I could hear him complaining about how I was ‘lazy and stupid’ to our mom.

After my brother left my parents called me down to discuss the situation which ended up being a lecture on how I’m rude and don’t do anything to help out around the house. I tried to defend myself as best I could but my mom started crying and neither of them was listening to what I was saying.

Tired of having the same sort of conversation I ended up saying ‘if I’m really that bad then I’ll just move out’ and stormed off. This led to my mom crying more and calling me selfish. It’s been a few days and this as well as other situations keep replaying in my head, I’m starting to wonder if it’s actually just me and I’m going crazy.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, MOVE OUT, I’m being serious this is not going to get any better, it’s best if you move out, and get your own place, you can actually save a bit of money rather than giving it to your parents, they will never listen to you.

Once you have your own place, I can see this going two ways, one is that they will try and act like they care about you, beg you to come home, blah blah all that jazz and the other way is that they ignore you. I know you are hurting but your family is toxic in how they treat and talk to you, acting like you don’t do anything but you do.

Please move out, be free instead of being stuck in a toxic household.” Due_Association_4166

Another User Comments:


Move out. Be free.

You sound like a really devoted daughter, sister, and aunt. Your family is so lucky to have you, and I’m sorry they don’t see that. Their lack of appreciation towards you is their own failing.

Perhaps your absence will bring them some clarity. You don’t owe them any more than you’ve already given.

Also, I feel really sorry for your brother’s future partner, should he ever get one.” User

Another User Comments:


You should move out, your family is using you. However, keep any plans quiet – these situations tend to blow up once plans go into motion.

Inform only after valuables and important documents are elsewhere, and housing is secured, as close to moving day as possible.

If you’re in a place location-wise where moving out is possible, I strongly recommend it. For starters, if marriage is typically why women move out in your family’s culture, how are you even going to meet anyone with limited interactions outside of the family and no time to yourself? They have you set up to be a long-term provider for everyone else. But that’s why you should be cautious about moving out because it will mean a lifestyle change for them, and they will try and prevent that. Just know that is not your fault – they put themselves in a position where you are funding them by choice.” whichwitch9

1 points - Liked by OwnedByCats

18. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister-In-Law Use My Paid Holiday?


“My (23F) husband (27M) and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3.

We’re both athletic people, or at least I used to be, so we’ve been planning a holiday for the past year, without going into major details it’s an expensive (by my standards) holiday and it would’ve involved a lot of hiking, I was looking forward to it.

I was in an accident recently and, once again without going into much detail as it’s triggering, lost my leg. It’s upsetting but I’m not in a place to openly speak about it outside of therapy, obviously, due to this recent… restriction, I’m unable to do what we’d planned for our holiday.

I hadn’t thought about the holiday, it’s nonrefundable… I had expected my husband not to want to go, currently, his family hasn’t asked once how I am and my family claims it’s ‘hard’ to be around me because they ‘don’t know how to support me.’

He said yesterday he invited his sister (19) to go in my place, I was baffled because I expected him to support me – he said it’s not for two months, I’m like so? Cancel and let’s do something we can both do.

He said he needs a break – that he’s been supporting me, he deserves this and he was also looking forward to it…

So I said ‘you go, but I paid for my spot so no she can’t use it’.

He asked if I’m being serious, that it was spiteful, his sister hasn’t done anything… I said she hasn’t asked me once how I’m doing, she texted me last week for £150 why should she get a free holiday?

Anyway, he’s upset claiming ‘he’ll still go and pay for his sister’ which he won’t since a) it’s expensive and b) last I checked fully booked.

AITJ? I’d ask family or friends, but I don’t feel like texting them.”

Another User Comments:


Your husband is inconsiderate and cruel. I’d always 100% support and stand by my partner.

And I wouldn’t ever come up with the idea to offer my wife’s trip to my sister. If she wanted to go, she would’ve needed to book for herself.

Your husband is a jerk in this situation & you’re absolutely entitled to your reaction — his sister is not entitled to receive something YOU paid for.

I really don’t understand how people can be so cruel and insensitive towards their so-called significant other who’s suffering.

After what happened to you, your husband proved himself to be… I have no words left for that!” realstareyes

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – if I were an internet-perfect person (and having been and continuing to be a carer) I would say ‘of course, he deserves a break’ and a lot of other crap I’ve seen already.

But you and I are normal, not posturing for strangers people. No way would my sister-in-law, after showing no concern for me, be riding off on my paid holiday. If she did show concern and was a decent person she wouldn’t want to go on my holiday with my husband on a trip planned with activities that I loved and currently couldn’t do.

Carers do need breaks, I don’t think he needs to smash your trauma in your face by going away on your holiday without you. Day trips, sleepovers with friends, boys’ night out, that’s the kind of break that’s appropriate right now. Not leaving you still struggling physically and emotionally whilst he is far away.

There are websites where you can sell paid-off holidays, you don’t get all your money back but at least it’s something over nothing. If my husband left me for a holiday after I RECENTLY lost a limb he would come to changed locks and all his possessions on the doorstep.” sally_marie_b

Another User Comments:


This is a whole lot of insensitive but also a tough one.

This really should have been a mutual conversation. It sounds to me like it wasn’t and he just decided while you also assumed (which means communication is taking a hit). If you ring those you’ve booked with you might find they’ll give you a refund on compassionate grounds, given that it was a bad accident.

They might not give you a refund, but the worst they can say is no.

I will say it is stressful for people who have taken on the caring/supporting role. They do also deserve to have downtime of their own to decompress, readjust, and do some stocktake of their own well-being. It’s very difficult to do that while looking after other things and people.

It’s a lot to take on and very easy to burn out. It’s also very hard to watch someone you love suffer.

I do see where he might be coming from, but the way he and his sister went about it was lacking in compassion and understanding. He definitely should not have made decisions without speaking to you.

They both should also realize how difficult it would be for you to see travel photos and what you’ll miss out on.

It’s probably fair to assume that you’re both raw and exhausted. It might be worth going to couples therapy, to help cope with all these changes, ensure you’re both on the same page and rearrange your boundaries in the relationship.

I hope you have friends around you, so you’re not feeling isolated. I’m sorry you’re not receiving the support you should be from your family.

No matter what, please note that losing a leg doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll miss out forever. There are people living active and fulfilled lives even though they’re a leg or two down. I’m sure it’s easier said than done and super painful, but I hope you find your peace. I wish you all the best OP.” Ok-Writer-774

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rusty 1 year ago
If I were OP, and my husband took his sister on a trip that I had been saving for, only to be taken down by such a devastating accident, when hubby got back from that trip, his stuff would be at his parents' house (forget the doorstep) and the locks would be changed. The next person he would hear from would be a divorce attorney.
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17. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband's Daughter To Call Me Mom?


“I (42 f) met my husband (44 m) 6 years ago and we have been married for 2 years. He has a daughter (7 f) from a previous marriage that didn’t end well after his ex two-timed him. His daughter rarely ever sees her mom as she constantly travels the world.

I feel awful that his daughter hasn’t had a good mother figure in her life so I have been trying my best to take her out to do girly things and bond with her since her mother isn’t around to do so. She always would call me by my first name but for the first time when we were sitting at the table for dinner she called me mom and it just didn’t feel right, it made me feel uncomfortable.

I told her that ‘I’m sorry but I’m not your mother you can’t call me that sweety’ and she was shocked and started to tear up a bit. My husband and I were arguing all night telling me that what I did was awful, he told me that she feels comfortable and close enough to me to call me mom and that I should feel special for her calling me mom.

He doesn’t want to see how I feel from my side.

Her mother is still very much alive and I don’t want to disrespect her by taking her title of mom. It all feels very awkward as I’m used to her calling me by my name. Life was moving so smoothly until she had to call me mom.

So AITJ for not wanting to be called mom?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

You’ve been in this girl’s life and have been acting as her mother for a long time. It makes sense that she wants to call you that. I agree with your husband that this is a term of endearment and, in my opinion, one you should be honored to hold.

A lot of step-parents never get this close to their stepchildren.

But, just because other people think you should feel a certain way doesn’t mean you do. You’re allowed to be uncomfortable with this, although you probably should have given that some thought before getting together with a full-time dad to an infant.

This is a natural course of events, and as adults, you and your husband should have anticipated this in order to handle it appropriately.

I will warn you though, my daughter would be absolutely crushed if her step-father had this reaction to her calling him dad and I’d strongly encourage you to find a way to smooth this over before it impacts what sounds like a good relationship.” CaptainBeverlyPicard

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – for how you reacted right then.

You could have composed yourself and had a talk with her later about it. Instead, you hurt her and I doubt she will ever call you mom again. Also, if you didn’t want to be a mom, you shouldn’t have been acting like one. Her bio-mother is not her mom – she never sees her and is instead off globe trotting.

You are married to her dad and are her stepmother. I know so many step-parents that would love to be called anything other than their first name – especially mom. Sheesh, what is wrong with you?” mymiddlenameissusan

Another User Comments:

“You are NTJ, I get why you responded as you did, it was a shock for you.

It is up to her and you how to define your relationship and what she you. In hindsight, you could have handled it better, but it’s not possible to take it back

Your response is right that she has a mother and you don’t want to replace her. She was also right to feel upset about it.

You need to sit down with her and explain why you said that, that it didn’t make you feel comfortable but doesn’t mean you don’t care/love her. Then have a think, discuss whether there is another title she could call you that represents the emotional connection that you both have and you both feel comfortable with.” Possible_Laugh_9139

Another User Comments:

“Soft YTJ.

You’ve been together for 6 years, and she is 7. That means you’re likely the only mother figure she has ever known.

That must have been incredibly hurtful for her. You should feel blessed that she felt comfortable enough to view you in such light.

As you’ve pointed out, while her mother is alive, she doesn’t exactly play an active role in that little girl’s life.

It must be hard enough for her to feel rejected by her actual Mum and to now be shunned by the closest thing she has to one, is horrendous.

Normally in these situations, part of me goes with supporting the personal feeling a person has when they don’t necessarily feel ready to take that title. But it’s been 6 years, and you took her in when she was just a baby. Do you really, even now, not have those maternal feelings towards her?! You married a man with a very young daughter and an inactive mother. What did you expect to happen?” Such-Quarter278

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stro 1 year ago
What about a compromise and she calls you "mama your first name?"
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16. WIBTJ If I Don't Let My Son's Boy Crush In Our House?


“My son (16m) has gone out with this girl (16f) for a year and a half, we knew she never had a good home life, her dad leaves for weeks even months at a time, and the mom is always wasted and screams at her.

2 weeks ago her mom got wasted and caused a small fire and wouldn’t wake up, we told his SO she could live with us.

She was actually happy and in a good mood every day once she started living with us. My son just dumped her and said he likes boys. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s bringing this boy he likes over to the house, he’s talking about how much he likes him and how handsome he is when she’s just in the other room and can hear him.

She’s been in tears.

WIBTJ if I banned this boy from the house?”

Another User Comments:

“The entire process of you semi-adopting your kid’s teenage significant other is weird but isn’t really relevant except that she’s a teenage significant other.

You are choosing to value that teenage SO above your son, which is trashy. She isn’t your kid, and while letting her stay with you is a nice thing, you cannot seriously think she’s more likely to remain in your life than your son is.

Even if she was your kid, your behavior would absolutely be treating her as the golden child and your son as an afterthought whose only purpose is serving, again, his teenage SO. Trying to control his romantic relationships because you care more about his teenage ex will permanently break his trust in you and, justifiably, will probably lead to him thinking you’re homophobic bigots.

YTJ.” Milskidasith

Another User Comments:


While it was incredibly kind of you to take this girl into your home when her own home situation was untenable, it is incredibly inappropriate to interfere with your son’s emotional and social life on her behalf unless he is directly and deliberately harming her (which he is not, and if he were your home wouldn’t be a safe place for her anyway).

Frankly, while you don’t give your age, I find it worrisome that as an adult old enough to have a teenage son of your own, you don’t understand the difference between offering support and a reasonable parent/guardian relationship to this girl and taking it upon yourself to orchestrate/manipulate relationships happening around her just to make her happy.

The former is healthy and generous… the latter is DEEPLY problematic and unhealthy.

It is NOT YOUR SON’S RESPONSIBILITY TO LIMIT HIS OWN ROMANTIC LIFE TO PROTECT ANOTHER TEENAGER. It is not his responsibility to stay in a romantic relationship with her that he doesn’t want (that’s coercion, and abusive); it’s not his responsibility to avoid living his life and having healthy social experiences and relationships because it might upset her.

YOUR SON’S LIFE DOES NOT EXIST AS A COROLLARY TO THIS GIRL’S. He is an entire human being, deserving of autonomy and support from you, his parent, as he grows through adolescence, as much as she does. In fact, as your own child, where there is any question, he should be your priority.

YTJ. This girl needs therapy, but so do you, because you clearly don’t have any healthy or mature understanding of boundaries.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You’re sort of forced into being some kind of jerk regardless – you can be the jerk to this teen girl you’re caring for or you can be the jerk to your son.

It sounds like you’re currently filling a caregiver role for this girl and are doing your best to protect her, but in doing so you’re putting her feelings about a breakup over your son’s ability to live a normal life in his home. He’s likely going to take this as you being unsupportive of his sexuality, even if that isn’t what it is about.

I think it’s kind you’re still letting her stay with you even though they are broken up, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to put limits on your son’s new relationship to make his ex more comfortable since it doesn’t sound like he had any say in that decision.” reggiesnap

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15. AITJ For Talking Trash About My Brother's Mom?


“My dad married my former stepmom when I was seven and they had lil bro when I was eight. Stepmom tried to get my dad to give my mom full custody of me. Dad didn’t do that, and their relationship suffered. She was cold towards me, and one day she told me I was a millstone around my dad’s neck.

After that, they separated and eventually got divorced. Lil bro was four at the time.

My former stepmom always told lil bro that I’m the reason she and Dad got divorced. She said I never liked her and turned Dad against her with lies and manipulation, so lil bro really resents me.

His tenth birthday is today and it’s my dad’s year to have him on his actual birthday. He told Dad he didn’t want me present for his birthday because I’m the reason he can’t have both parents with him on his birthday.

I told him he lives in a fantasy world because his mom is not the angel she’s presented herself as.

She is the only reason her marriage fell apart, and the fact that she blames a little kid for her own failings is gross. He screamed at me that I can’t talk about his mom and then locked himself in his room and refused to come out even to go to school.

He said all he wanted for his birthday was not to have a jerkwad like me for a brother.

I feel bad because he’s miserable on his birthday. I was so sick of getting blamed for her actions. Now that I’ve cooled off, I’m questioning what I said. On the one hand, he should know the truth about his mom.

On the other, that wasn’t the time or place to tell him.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ! You’re allowed to be tired of an adult who attempted to make a child feel bad about their very existence while simultaneously creating a wedge between you and your brother. She’s the kind of insecure woman who thinks a man should never look back at his previous relationships and only care about his present life.

Ex stepmother is definitely the wicked one. Yes, your brother is too young to understand those kinds of dynamics, but he should be aware of how manipulative and evil his mother truly is. The seed is planted, the truth will come out, it’s inevitable.” CosmicStarchild7

Another User Comments:

“It’s revolting when adults blame kids for their own failings, and even worse when they warp kids’ minds into thinking that sort of crap is the truth.

And your dad… where’s he? He should be defending you, and that he’s apparently not is pretty bad too.

I think perhaps you could’ve handled things better with your brother, and maybe it could’ve waited until after his birthday. Where he is on the subject isn’t really his fault; he’s just parroting what his mother told him.

So everyone sucks here, just because of bad handling and timing. But you’re not wrong to defend yourself against the accusations of your stepmother.” Zazzog

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. That title is reserved for your psycho ex-stepmother and, unfortunately, for your dad. He needs to fix this right now. Try sitting down with him and explaining that his allowing the ten-year-old to continue to believe that you broke up the marriage is making both your life and the ten-year-old’s life very painful.

He needs to find a way to tell the boy that you had nothing to do with the break-up of the marriage, that it was 100 percent his decision, that marriages break up because of the grown-ups, never ever because of the children, etc., etc., etc. without directly disparaging his ex.

He needs to say this every time your little brother says anything on the subject that’s negative toward you. He needs to stop the 10-year-old from being mean to you. Every. Single. Time.” Nester1953

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

The stepmother is a jerk to blame a child for her failed marriage. Your dad is a jerk for not supporting you when you were a child and cutting that ‘child blaming’ at the root.

Your dad should have told your brother that there were other issues in the marriage and that sometimes people fall out of love. You are still very young, I am sure you are hurt. That’s not ok what you had to go through. But again, you are releasing your frustration on your little brother who is brainwashed by his mum. I think you need therapy and all your family does as well.” Shoddy-Indication-76

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14. AITJ For Not Standing Up For My Wife After She Wasn't Invited To Her Son's Wedding?


“I met my wife when her son (M) was 2. His father was and is still very much involved. I knew she was divorced but didn’t actually find out about her son until 4 months in. That should’ve been my first red flag but I thought being a single mom is hard when you’re going out with people and you want to vet people before disclosing the child’s existence.

We got married a year later and had kids K (1) and R (3) years after getting married.

Before R, my wife was an excellent mother to both her kid and ours. They had a sibling-like relationship and I was like a cool uncle. Sometime after R was born, a switch went off and my wife became visibly distant from M.

She started spending less time with him but didn’t reduce the time she had him with us. I slowly started picking up the slack because I didn’t want him to feel or be neglected at his own mother’s house.

The sibling-like bond between M and K started fading and R never had a bond like that to begin with.

Both of them started to become somewhat like their mother and were openly upset on the days we had M. They even asked me openly why M had to keep coming over. I tried to balance them out the best I could but it was hard. All three were treated equally by me in all aspects which should’ve been my wife’s job.

Any time my wife planned on buying something for K and R, I had to quickly get something for M as well so he isn’t left out or because what she got him was insultingly not equal.

The teenage years were not kind and well, it got worse. Things were said and M cut us off and went full-time with his Dad and Stepmom.

I did my best to neutralize the hostility my kids had and mellow the situation out. M and I during this time still kept in touch and like with my kids, I went to his events and spent every other weekend with him quietly. For his 21st birthday, both his dad and I took him to our favorite bars and had a drink with him.

Although he doesn’t call me dad, he doesn’t call me by name either and we just call each other buddy or other nicknames because we are family. My wife and her parents during this time just blamed her ex and his wife for poisoning M against ‘us’ despite the fights we had regarding her ignoring him.

M and my wife and kids have also talked their differences out with him so they have a cordial relationship but nowhere as close as it was when they were kids and the only reason he talks to my wife is because he doesn’t want us to hang out secretly.

Well a few weeks ago, my wife found out that M is getting married and neither she nor my kids are invited.

She was not pleased with that. R and K, although understand their lack of invitation, are upset on behalf of their mother. To them, she was the best mom ever, and don’t see any reason not to invite her. She also recently found out that my stepmom is going as the mother of the groom while I am a groomsman.

Now things went down and everyone is bashing us and especially me for not standing up for my wife. I mean she is his mother. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Your wife is neglectful and awful. I don’t know if you realize how mentally damaging it is for a child to be treated like this.

Even though her child is grown now, your wife is the one who bred his resentment. She treated him like the black sheep of your family, gave him no attention, physically neglected, and emotionally and mentally mistreated him by distancing herself from him and deliberately making it a point to ignore his needs while bonding with the rest of your kids.

You have spent years with someone who is likely very much a narcissist, and now you’re dealing with the consequences of this. You’re not a jerk for not taking her side. You’re also not a jerk for not telling her anything. Why would she deserve to know when she destroyed his life and tried to ruin it?

If you want my honest opinion, I think you should divorce her and keep a strong bond with M since you have a closer relationship with him.

It’s time to burn the bridge down to build new ones.

NTJ. Your wife is.” CyclonicHavoc

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for this wedding situation.

But low key you are the jerk for knowing that your wife is so in the wrong in how she treats her son and remaining married to her. You may have argued with her about it but how was this not a deal breaker? You obviously fully understand the morality here, and the implications of this behavior on your stepson (and the example it set for your kids).

Sticking by her is tacitly saying that her treatment of M is acceptable, or not so unacceptable that you can’t forgive it. Repeatedly.

The standard you walk by is the standard you accept. You may walk by it arguing, but you’re still walking by.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ — The guest list for a wedding is up to the bride and groom, and assuming that you kept quiet out of respect for the passive-aggressive impulse, you are not a jerk.

However, you sound like you have a toxic marriage and over the years you’ve been a very cowardly husband who snuck around his wife’s back rather than holding her accountable for her actions. To be a good husband, you sometimes have to hold your partner accountable for their actions and tell them what they are doing is wrong. You didn’t. And as a consequence, your family members seem estranged from each other. You haven’t been able to hold your family together.” webshiva

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13. AITJ For Not Giving My Late Friend's Painting To Her Family?


“I (19f) had a friend named Jess. We were friends for 6 years before she passed away last year. 3 days before Jess passed a group of friends and I (Including Jess) did a secret Santa.

Jess has always been a fantastic painter and extremely talented. Jess got me for secret Santa and had painted my cat on a dark green (my favorite color) canvas with little paintings of my plants surrounding my cat.

On the back of the painting, it had my cat’s name and ‘Jess and OP’s son’ written on the back. (there was an inside joke going back years that Jess and I were married and my cat was our son)

I love this painting so much it’s my favorite thing in the world.

And one of the last things I have left of Jess. The first anniversary of Jess’s passing was on Monday and I had posted my favorite pictures of us on social media. One of the pictures was of Jess holding the painting with the caption ‘My wife painted our son’. I had forgotten to crop the photo so it still had the date it was taken at the top.

Jess’s aunt messaged me on social media a couple of hours later asking if Jess had made the painting. I said yes that she did make it for me. Jess’s aunt then asked me if I’d rather send it through mail or give it to Jess’s mom in person. I asked her what she meant and she said that since it was the last thing Jess ever painted I need to give it to her family.

I told Jess’s aunt that this was a gift from Jess to me and it meant a lot to me so I didn’t want to give it away. Her aunt said I had pictures of the painting so I’d be fine. After I still said no, Jess’s aunt then said I was being a selfish bratty jerk and depriving Jess’s family of the last memory of her.

And that I needed to give it to them now or I was uninvited from the memorial service they are holding for her this week.

I told Jess’s aunt this was the last memory I had of Jess and I didn’t want to lose it. But she said I had til the service to give it to her family or I’d be banned from the event.

Jess’s mom messaged me about 30ish minutes later and asked how much I wanted for the painting. I told her I was sorry but the painting is one of the last things I have of Jess and it meant a lot to me. She said she understood but that she would really like to have it and if I changed my mind to text her back because she’s willing to pay around 2,000 dollars for it.

I feel horrible now. I know if Jess was still here she’d be heartbroken if I gave it away. But I feel so bad for her family. My mom says it was a gift so I have the right to keep it but do not expect Jess’s family to invite me to any more memorial services.

I really feel like the jerk but I love the painting its been on my wall since she gave it to me and I even brought it to college with me so I can see it every day.


Edit: While I can get the painting professionally photocopied or recreated, I’m a college student and due to my current job, I only get paychecks once a month (At the end of every month but I make around 30 dollars an hour) which I need to use to put gas in my car, pay for food, and rent.

I’ve looked online and I don’t have the money for a professionally done recreation, but I’ll be going to a framing store in my town tomorrow to see how much it will be to have the painting photocopied and framed.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You have every right to keep your fondest memory of your friend.

It was a personalized gift from her to you, it’s your cat and your favorite color. As much as I understand what her family is going through and the lengths they would go to keep a little piece of her in their lives, it is not their right. You didn’t buy her artwork, you didn’t take it without asking – you were gifted it.

Forbidding you from visiting her memorial service is incredibly mean and inconsiderate and I wouldn’t stand for that. Maybe there is someplace where they can get a copy made of the painting – but you should get to keep the original. I am terribly sorry for your loss, OP.” tayracl

Another User Comments:


How many paintings do they have that Jess did? I’m sure a bunch. They’re being selfish and entitled. This painting has nothing to do with them and their grief doesn’t give them the right to demand your gift from Jess. Trust me when I say they have way more mementos of her life and don’t need that painting.

Just because it’s the last doesn’t make it any more special than her other works and I’d be offended that they can’t let you have one thing that your friend made for you. Next time they call I’d tell them to go screw themselves, it’s your property. That painting will never leave your possession and to leave you alone.

Then I’d block them.

Edit to add: Please make sure with Jess’s mom that she will accept your compromise. I really don’t think she’s going to be happy with a picture and might try to bully you into keeping the photo. Please don’t spend your hard-earned money on something that her family will turn up their nose at unless you know for sure they are happy with your solution.” crazzymomof5boyzz

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, not at all.

I’m sorry for Jess’ family’s loss but she painted that painting for you. I’m sorry if it’s the last one she ever painted but that does not give her family the right to expect you to give or sell it to them. I’m sure they have other paintings of hers.

And actually, threatening you that you’ll be banned from the memorial if you don’t comply with their demands, is downright cruel and borderline sadistic.

I’m trying to excuse them because obviously, they are hurting, it’s got to be the only reason why they would not only ignore your pain (you lost her too) but add on to it in such a hurtful manner.

Honestly, I would keep the painting if I were you. For all the reasons you’ve stated, Jess painted it for you and it’s a beautiful memory to have of your friend. There’s nothing preventing you in future years to change your mind and give it to them at a much later date, should you choose to do so.” LuvLaughLive

0 points (0 votes)

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rbleah 1 year ago
DO NOT make a photo copy for her mom. She will reject it and DEMAND the painting. DO NOT give her the painting either. Jess made that painting FOR YOU and YOU alone. Block them and go on. I am sure they have other paintings that Jess did, let them make do with those. My condolences on your loss. NTJ
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12. AITJ For Wanting To Give My Mom A Grandma Name?


“I (25F) just had my first child five months ago and we’re starting to talk about grandparent names. My husband’s parents (50s-60s) want to just be Grandma and Grandpa, with his stepfather and stepmom being Grandma and Grandpa (first name).

My mom (38F) (no, that’s not a typo) thinks it’s weird for her to have a grandma name because she’s ‘too young’ and that it would be extra weird because she and my step-dad are now expecting and our kids will be playmates.

She says it would be embarrassing for all of us and that it would be best if the baby calls her something that isn’t grandma, like Mama (first name) or even Aunt.

I don’t think it is. I know it’s not ‘normal’, but I always called her my mom because she is, and she never had a problem with it.

I know she lied about her age when I was in school, but that was different and was about the school’s parents. Of course, there have always been comments here and there from my in-laws, but my husband and I set them straight and it was fine. My mom IS a grandma, not a mom or an aunt.

She should have a grandma name.

My in-laws think that I shouldn’t push her if she’s not comfortable with it, but my husband and SIL agree with me that she should be referred to only as a grandmother.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here – she obviously had you extremely young, and it was likely very intense.

These different milestones like becoming a grandmother are going to affect her differently than most. You are also doing something extremely common in wanting your children to call their grandma an appropriate name. No one is super out of line here, and this is a normal conversation you might have based on the circumstances.” mkay0

Another User Comments:

“NTJ: Your baby absolutely should not call your mother Mama or Aunt.

That’s not what she is. It’s best to settle this now instead of when the baby starts talking. She can pick a name that’s not specifically a ‘grandma’ name like Gigi or Mimi or something like that but it’s not being a jerk to insist that your child call her something other than something she’s not.

Your child is going to know, growing up, that your mom is her grandma and it’s weird to say ‘well, but you have to call her Auntie’ or something like that.” NorthernLitUp

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. It sounds like she’s really insecure about this, so I don’t think you have to push it.

You don’t have to lie on any legal document and classify her as an aunt when she’s not, she’s just asking that the kids don’t call her ‘Grandma.’ There are one thousand different things the kids could call her that are still a special nickname for their grandmother, one that does not make her feel old or insecure.” reggiesnap

Another User Comments:


If she didn’t want to be called grandma so young maybe she should have considered that when she chose to be a young mother. Young mother = young grandmother. When your kid is 12 she’ll be 50 and then it won’t be weird to be called grandma. It will be easier for your kid to know her as a grandparent than have to play family tree gymnastics around your mother’s false sense of youth. Her own child is having a child. She’s a grandparent.” Mountain-goblin69420

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11. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Wife Half Of My Salary?


“I’m (44M) employed making around 100k, and my wife (39F), with an engineering degree, stays home taking care of our 5-year-old daughter, who goes to kindergarten every morning. I pay all expenses and give her 600 USD per month for her personal use. She could decide to get a job, and in that case, we can send our daughter for some hours at daycare.

She agrees she would like to get a job, but she doesn’t do much about it, sending occasional applications per email. She ends up doing more housework, although I help outside of my working hours, our flat is small and we could hire someone for about 3 hours per week to do the most important cleaning tasks.

After I pay all expenses, I put around 2 to 3k into my personal savings, keeping around 1500 USD for food and funds. From all the food she buys from her money, I reimburse her 80% of it.

With my savings, my goal would be to reduce my amount of work by 50% or more when I’m 50.

If she gets a job, I will be able to reduce my workload to 80%, the housework and daycare will be shared, or we can hire someone to complete the missing hours. Also, if she gets a job, the idea is that we then pay the expenses based on a ratio of our salaries and each one would keep the rest.

She argues that half of my salary belongs to her. My argument is that if she wants more money she can find a job, and if I have to give 50% of my salary to her, what’s stopping me from reducing my work now to have more time with my daughter?


Another User Comments:

“In this day and age of equality, you are NTJ.

Your daughter is 5 and will soon start school; here in the UK, she’ll have been at school for at least a year. Your wife has a degree that can get a job in not just engineering but banking etc, what is she playing at, and why does she not want to get a job, even part-time? Has she lost her confidence? If not what valid reason is there that she thinks she is entitled to half of your money? Yes, your income is excellent and gives you more choices but you are not going to earn that forever, and you could suffer, God forbid, long-term sickness.

What would she do, should there be a loss of one income? Personally, I would never want to live off a man as if I were a child.

Lastly, if I were you, I’d speak to a lawyer about your future finances, should she decide to divorce you, as she seems the type who will clean you out financially.” Aggressive-Peace-698

Another User Comments:


2-3 K for your ‘personal savings’ as in not a joint saving account? (IF this savings is joint, not personal the split seems almost equitable after expenses, but I have to judge on what you said.)

You should both agree on how much disposable income you get (equal) after you both save, pay bills, and pay for entertainment and food.

You would be a pretty controlling man to give her less access to disposable income than yourself. Money is freedom and power. Also, you need to stop devaluing her contribution. She’s raised your child for 5 years and she is taking care of your home. You are going to end up being an ex-husband whose kid visits them from some other man’s home one day if you don’t treat her better.” LadyCass79

Another User Comments:


The key takeaway for me is that neither partner wants to work full-time (or long hours) outside the home.

OP’s plan is to save as much as he can so he can start to reduce his work hours in 6 years. How much he can scale back depends upon how much he can save.

His wife is already not working outside the home. This is not a mutually agreed upon decision but what she wants.

To me, this isn’t a situation where the choice for one parent not to work outside the home is for the benefit of the family. This is one partner choosing what they want and then having to deal with some of the drawbacks of that choice.

The obvious drawback is that there’s less discretionary income and fewer contributions toward savings.

For OP, relying on only one income adversely affects his goal of reducing his workload. He is paying all the expenses, giving his wife money, and saving.

What’s missing is how much he’s actually spending on himself in the form of discretionary spending. It could actually be significantly less than what his wife has to spend.

What does seem to be extremely unfair is for the wife to not support OP in his goal of wanting to change his work situation. Her expectation that instead of him allocating funds so he could have something similar to what she now has, she should be able to have the money (for whatever?) – that seems unreasonable and a very entitled demand.” Mermaidtoo

Another User Comments:


You need to understand how weird it is that you are valuing your marriage in terms of percentages. You need to know how annoying it must be to be married to someone dictating allowances and payback rates. You need to know how stressed your wife must be managing a household on scraps while her husband complains that she isn’t working enough and that she needs a job so she can give him more money. You sound insufferable.” User

0 points (0 votes)

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rbleah 1 year ago
NTJ DO NOT give her any more than you do now. If she NEEDS more money let her go back to work and EARN IT. You give her MORE THAN ENOUGH for herself.
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10. AITJ For Not Allowing My Daughter To Attend House Parties?


“I (48m) have banned my daughter indefinitely from house parties, she is currently in her senior year (17f) and has had three strikes. Every time she would go to these ‘normal house parties’, which I would hear about from the other parents as we live in a small town, she would show up way after curfew.

Maybe 4 hours after intended so around 4 am to early morning. We have discussed with her as I and her mother (46f) get worried if she isn’t home on curfew with the number of horrifying things that happen to girls in this world. We informed her of this and she said ‘she won’t do it again or would at least respond to our messages if she will be late’.

This was our first strike and we discussed the consequences with her.

Since it’s senior year, there is a party every weekend that either gets shut down by the police due to disturbance or the kids doing illegal stuff. The second strike kind of intertwines with the first one and it is not getting wasted to the point of blackout, no illegal stuff, and telling her we will not always be available in the middle of the night to pick her up.

She broke this deal as she was blackout wasted and was being carried by her friends to my house thrice.

The third strike was not getting arrested or doing anything illegal (other than drinking which is inevitable). A couple of days ago, she broke this by getting arrested during a house raid at the party for looking ‘high’ and vandalizing.

She apologized for this after we picked her up and said ‘she won’t do it again’. Though we couldn’t risk it and she was getting carried away for senior year. She kept on giving the excuse that she was going to another side of the country for college next year, wouldn’t see her friends, and just wanted to spend time with them.

I couldn’t risk nor be asked about the drama that I know will follow by her continuously breaking three strikes. I told her that she is banned from attending house parties indefinitely, she just got really upset and told us ‘we wouldn’t let her live’ and that ‘we were ruining her senior year’.

She proceeded to list all of her friends who got in trouble for worse and how their parents let them off as ‘this was senior year’. She started crying and just went to her room as we are ‘too strict and miserable’. This made me wonder if I was exaggerating about kids doing stupid kid things.


Another User Comments:


I’m a big believer in letting teenagers experience partying and drinking while still living at home for exactly the reasons you’ve experienced with your daughter. It gives you and your wife a chance to course-correct her behavior before she gets to college where she won’t have the same safety net and will ultimately be responsible for the fallout of her actions.

It sounds like you had really reasonable rules and she didn’t respect them and her consequences escalated in relation to her behavior. Getting blackout wasted to the point that someone has to carry your unconscious body is not a stupid kid thing. Neither is getting arrested. These are things that can potentially have long-term impacts on her.

Now, do I think banning her from parties indefinitely is the right solution? Perhaps not, but I think you and your spouse will need to decide what you need to see from her in order to earn those privileges back, especially for milestone events like Prom or graduation.” coastalkid92

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but I am guessing she will just sneak out.

I would be more inclined to discuss her behaviors that are extremely dangerous whether she is where you are or at college (although kids at that age won’t pay much attention typically), getting blackout wasted where she could be taken advantage of or worse (she could stagger in front of a car and how does she think the person that hit her would feel), the problem with the vandalism charge as well as others as it may affect her future education and/or employment, and any photographs of these parties could ruin future employment opportunities.

If she is getting blackout wasted, there already may be compromising photographs of her online. What goes on the internet stays on the internet.

I would not have so much of a problem with the parties alone, it is the behavior that is the problem. Huge party person where we consistently had large parties, but we always kept an eye out for each other, we did our best to not get hammered, no one would have vandalized anything (that’s downright disgusting behavior), and the cops were rarely called.” holisarcasm

Another User Comments:


Your daughter is immature, irresponsible, inappropriate, and unsafe.

She doesn’t know how to attend a party without acting like an absolute jerk and you need to protect her from herself before she ends up in jail, taken advantage of (which is disgusting to have to say), or violently ill from drinking and doing illegal stuff and having no idea of what she is doing.

You need to protect her from herself.

You should show her this thread so she knows how much is actually not acting normally. She gives a bad name to all teenagers with house parties and I hope she learns to be a normal person before she goes to college and things get real.” rustblooms

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9. AITJ For Locking My Door To Stop My Roommate From Eating My Food?


“I rent a house with five other people. We all have our own rooms. Well, one guy pays the most rent and has the basement (it’s all part of the rental agreement).

Living with them is fine. One of them is my best friend but the others are just people who agreed to be roommates.

I have a small fridge/freezer in my room and keep the majority of my food in my room. It’s either in my closet or in the fridge. Things like butter and uncooked vegetables and meat go in the main fridge. I’m not a stingy person or doing this to hide my food.

There are five grown men living here. If someone puts their large takeout container with half a burger inside the fridge, it takes up too much space. We all buy our own stuff too. So five jugs of milk all in one fridge would take up a lot of space. Five things of orange juice, five packs of butter, etc etc.

So I keep stuff like cooked food, snacks, and drinks in my room and so do the others.

All was going well until recently one of the guys moved out and we got a new roommate. Quickly it became him opening the fridge and going ‘where’s the milk?’ or him going in the cupboard and asking where the cereal is.

He knocks on our doors at times and asks for a portion of milk for his cereal. Stuff like this, I don’t mind. If he wanted some chips, I didn’t mind. But now his asking has increased and I cut him off. I guess I was being jerkish but we are all boys and this is just how I/we talk.

He’d knock on the door and I’d say ‘what does the broke boy want?’ (he isn’t broke). But I wouldn’t turn him down all the time. When I had it to spare, I’d give it to him. But he asks so often that now I pick on him every time. I’m always heavy with banter in general but I only got on when he started asking TOO MUCH.

Also, he doesn’t cook so he just wants the junk food in our rooms.

I lock my room door whenever I leave the house. I don’t think my roommates are bad but only one of them is my friend. Over Thanksgiving, I took a trip to my grandma’s house and the door was locked the whole time.

I was gone for four days and he was texting me ‘can I have (food item)?’ I just said, ‘you’re broke even through text.’ Then he asked me why my door was locked. So I’m assuming he tried to get in. Then he asked where my spare key was and I just didn’t respond.

When I got back he said I was a jerk for locking my room. I thought the whole situation was ridiculous so I was just joking/making fun of him. I told him to knock on the doors of the grocery store instead of mine. Apparently, he asks all of the other roommates for food as well but makes more money than all of us.

I told my family members about the situation during Thanksgiving and they said I should just ‘be kind and giving.'”

Another User Comments:


Instead of joking though, just be upfront and tell him he needs to take care of his own food needs from now on. He shouldn’t know your room is locked, bc he shouldn’t be trying to get into your room, for any reason short of some kind of fire or other extreme emergency concern.

Keep your door locked from now on.

I disagree with your family – being kind and giving is different than being an in-home chef. If he’s willing to pay you, and you’re willing to provide food service for him for that pay, then that’s all you. But kicking it once in a while w some jokes IS being kind and giving; more than that is being taken advantage of, esp if he can afford to feed himself.” myeyedeal

Another User Comments:


It’s one thing if he, say, contributed money towards your food, or cooked or gave you guys food.

Or did most of the chores? Something to contribute significantly to the household. That would be cool. And fair.

He does not. He always asks everyone else for food without doing anything in exchange.

So you’re perfectly in the right to lock your door so he can’t mooch off you. Being kind and giving does not equal being a doormat and letting a roommate take advantage of you.” bmyst70

Another User Comments:


Stop giving him stuff. You are five guys. So he mooches off one of you two times a week and never needs to buy stuff. You think ‘oh, it is just two times’. But he actually mooches every day, but not from the same person. He can buy his own stuff.

You and the others also buy your own stuff. Just think how much money he saves by never buying groceries.

If he comes next time hand him a price list! Don’t forget the handling fee.

I personally would be so annoyed to get always disturbed because this guy is too lazy to shop. And to think he wanted to go in your room without your permission!

Maybe talk with the other roommates. I wouldn’t be surprised if they are also sick of this behavior. And maybe you can do together something against him.” EvilFinch

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8. AITJ For Eating During A Flight?


“I have an 8-hour flight with a short connection. The 1st flight only served a small cracker pack and the 2nd will be the same. During the connection, I only had barely enough time to run from one end of the airport to the other. Once I got to my connecting gate, I found out I had enough time to order food but did not eat it.

I checked with the gate agent to see if I can bring food on board and she happily reassured me that I could. I went and got a burger, fries, and a drink.

When I was allowed to put the tray down, I did and started to eat. This is when the lady sitting next to me told me she doesn’t eat meat or fried foods and the smell of my burger and fries is making her sick.

At 1st I ignored her and kept on eating but she complained louder. I finally told her I bought the food after checking with the gate agent and that I’m hungry so she was out of luck. She called the flight attendant and was told that I’m well within my rights to eat food that was bought at the airport.

I know I’m right when it comes to the airline rules but the food is pungent in an enclosed area and she’s still glaring at me so am I a jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here

It’s generally considered bad practice to bring hot food onto a plane for this reason. Sure, you shouldn’t have to be hungry for an 8-hour flight.

Nobody on the plane should have to sit for 8 hours in an enclosed space with a smell that makes them nauseous either (and voicing a complaint doesn’t make someone a jerk). You probably could’ve been more considerate instead of completely ignoring her and she probably didn’t need to complain to the flight attendant about it.” VenusInAries666

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, vegans and vegetarians need to learn to exist in the world along with meat eaters.

She’s the jerk demanding you change for her, you’re on a plane it’s a shared space if she had these issues she should’ve looked for a vegetarian-only flight. Also, she has no idea if you have a medical condition like diabetes which requires you to eat or your blood sugar drops.

This is a simple case of mind your business.” OfferWestern1010

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – If the rules were you can’t bring food and eat it on the plane that is one thing but that wasn’t the rule. Also, it is not her home nor does she make the rules. Just cause she doesn’t eat meat doesn’t give her the right to tell others not to eat it around her.

You didn’t offer her your food or force her to eat it, you were just minding your own business. There are smells on a plane that are worse than food. Do we have the right to tell people not to use the restroom because we have seats near them and it smells horrible when people use it? No.

Can you tell someone who is sick that they shouldn’t throw up near you but go away if they are sick? Nope, that is why every seat has a barf bag. Or should we ban babies because they may go in their diapers? Nope.

So not only is what you are doing perfectly fine and not inconsiderate or rude but what she was doing is rude and inconsiderate.

She doesn’t know you, so saying things under her breath loud enough to be heard, complaining, and telling you she doesn’t eat meat, is to me super rude. If the fasten seatbelt light was off, she could get up and stretch her legs and walk around till you were done. What if she was eating something like an orange or some vegetable that you found disguising, would she appreciate you commenting on her food and put it away? I can guarantee without even meeting her that the answer is a NO.

Now if it was something like durian that isn’t allowed on a plane, and you knew this, then ya you would be a jerk. But at the end of the day, you followed the rules and she likes to complain.” XunKasa

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7. AITJ For Spraying My Partner In The Face?


“I (24f) live with my partner (24m), and a few months ago we decided to get a puppy, Thor. I work at a home office, so we agreed that I would be the main caretaker. Also, I’m the person whose dream was to have a dog, so it was only fair.

Thor is an amazing, energetic, little guy, I love him to pieces, but he is a puppy, and even though I’m trying to train him, he still makes a lot of messes, and I expected this.

My partner has been complaining about eating shoes, chewed furniture, and messes around the place, even though I’m the one cleaning.

I said I was ok with paying for the replacement of those things, but we should wait for the pup to be fully trained first.

Now, last week I caught my partner complaining about pee in the kitchen, and then he proceeded to water spray Thor in the face. I asked what he was doing and he said I wasn’t doing a good job and all the messes were getting on his nerves.

I explained that this is not a used method anymore, since it traumatizes the dog. He didn’t say anything so I thought he had listened, but he didn’t. The other day I saw him spraying him again, and I was livid. I said he had to stop, and he said again that my ways were not working.

I explained it takes time but told him to not do it anymore, or he would regret it.

Yesterday Thor stole one of his socks from his shoes, and he did it again. I was so mad, so when he put the water spray back in its place (close to our plants) I went there, took it, and at the first opportunity sprayed him in the face.

He was pretty surprised and asked if I was out of my mind, I told him that since he was so certain it worked I would like to use it to train him, into stopping doing it with our dog, and maybe I would keep spraying until he becomes more useful around the house.

We got into a huge argument, he said I was a jerk for comparing him with a dog and thinking my puppy was too sensitive to receive water in the face but I was ok to do it to him. I maintain my view that if he thinks it is ok to do with Thor, then it is ok to do with him.


Another User Comments:

“YTJ, it’s been a few months now, your dog should be trained. Yes, damages will occur with having a puppy, but it’s your responsibility to stop as much of the destruction as possible (especially since you stay home), not just wait for however long to replace it.

Your partner has a more direct approach to training/disciplining your dog because you’re failing, and you decide to punish your partner for it.

Train the dog, pay for someone to train the dog, or let your partner do the training, even if you don’t like how it’s done (obviously DO NOT mistreat the dog).

Spraying a dog with water to deter unwanted behavior is not mistreatment, it’s a valid form of training. Whoever informed you otherwise is wrong.

You can’t ‘talk’ your dog out of bad behavior, so I don’t believe you have any training/discipline set up for your dog, therefore you’re doing your dog a MAJOR injustice. You took on the responsibility of the main caretaker, so take care of your dog.” sinful_mint_pie

Another User Comments:

“YTJ and you’re a bad dog owner frankly.

How is your partner even able to spray the dog if you are already there to correct the dog? Because you aren’t there, obviously.

Your dog needs to be constantly supervised by you, the owner. You teach a puppy to behave by watching them CONSTANTLY, immediately redirecting bad behavior, and taking them outside constantly so that you can praise them every time they do their business outside.

You are obviously not doing these things. When that dog chews a sock, you need to redirect it to a toy the SECOND his mouth touches the sock. If you see him looking for a place to go potty (you’ll see him sniff if you actually pay attention) then you need to IMMEDIATELY take him outside to go out there.

Dogs are smart and will figure it out with training, but they absolutely will not just ‘outgrow it’.

Be a better dog parent.” Few-Badger2318

Another User Comments:

“You’re an irresponsible pet owner. A puppy needs to be trained consistently, not here and there. They need supervision and to be constantly engaged. You don’t even seem to take the poor pup outside enough and you are allowing all the destruction to happen.

You should absolutely not be a dog owner, your partner is understandably upset and desperate at this point, he didn’t find the right method but he is trying something unlike you. Do your partner and the puppy a favor, and give the dog up for adoption, you are not fit to be that poor creature’s parent. YTJ.” Talkingmice

0 points (0 votes)

6. AITJ For How I Read Books?


“Early on in our relationship, my partner lent me the first book of Brandon Sanderson’s Stormlight Archives. It’s a very lengthy book (the paperback version he lent me is 1280 pages). When he brought it over I incorrectly assumed that it was a copy that no one had read because the spine of the book was completely unbent and it looked like it could have come directly off of a bookstore shelf.

I read and enjoyed the book. When I returned it, he commented on how rough I am on books. I was confused because I thought I had returned it in good condition. None of the pages were ripped or marked or written on. I used a bookmark to mark my place the whole time I was reading it.

Turns out what he meant was there were places in the spine of the book where you could tell the book had been opened. Which I thought was normal after reading a paperback book. Especially one that is over 1200 pages!

I asked last night if I could borrow the next book in the series.

He said no because I ‘trashed’ the last one. I mean, fair enough, he is allowed to have rules for his things. But I’m curious about what other people think. Is it a reasonable expectation that someone does not crease the spine of a 1200-page mass-market paperback?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here.

You just had different expectations, and neither is right or wrong.

Some people want to keep things pristine. I, on the other hand, think the condition of a book is part of its story. The creases, the folds, the spots, the wear – they all tell us something about that book’s history.

But if he owns it, he has the right to decide how he wants his items treated – and if you can’t meet his expectations, then don’t borrow from him. See if your library has it, either in physical copy or as an eBook you can download. Or find a used copy for sale on Amazon – used books are usually pretty cheap.” SlowMolassas1

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here – This is like a which way the toilet paper goes thing.

There’s no right or wrong answer. There’s just what you do. People still feel very strongly about this. You have found one who is very firmly on the team don’t break the spine. Accept this is gospel where his books are concerned. He will not be swayed. You need to be willing to play by those rules with his books and assure him that you understand and respect his position on this issue.

Alternatively, just take his recommendations and borrow them from the library. The library won’t complain about broken spines (and you’ll likely never find intact ones there anyway).” User

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. I think that people have a right to have their things the way that they want them, even if it’s a tad ridiculous. It seems like you were reasonable in your treatment of the book and he probably also acknowledges that since you didn’t mention him being really upset with you. Would probably avoid borrowing things from them in the future though.” rorank

0 points (0 votes)

5. AITJ For Leaving A Party With My Ex?


“I don’t drink which is something all of my friends know. A friend ‘accidentally’ gave me booze and only told me after I finished it during a party and they all just laughed it off even though I was really upset. I had an argument with the friend who gave me the drink which ended with me walking away from them.

My ex was the first person I saw that I knew at the party and I asked him if he would take me home. After we left my friends kept texting and calling me to see where I was and to make sure I was okay but I ignored them because I was still angry and then I fell asleep.

Two of my friends came to my ex’s house to see if I was there since I wasn’t at home or responding to them. They kept yelling at me and my ex for not telling them I was okay and for making them search for me all night. My ex eventually kicked them out but my friends are still mad at me.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ, what they did was abusive. They overrode and undermined your body autonomy, they disrespected you. They had no right to do that, in fact, they are not friends if they consider that acceptable behavior, especially to laugh as well. Whatever your reasons are for not drinking, it is your right, and no one should be awful to you for that.

On another note, well done to your ex for not just escorting you but also kicking those so-called friends out. That is a true friend.” Aggressive-Peace-698

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Giving someone booze who doesn’t drink without their consent is DANGEROUS. The person could get wasted very quickly due to having a low liquor tolerance and stumble into trouble, or try to drive without realizing it and hurt someone.

For some people who are sober due to previous liquor abuse, having just one drink may be enough to trigger them to have more. OP, you’re lucky you got home safe and your ex was able to take care of you. I hope you understand that these ‘friends’ of yours are not safe to be around, though.” lastaccountbroke

Another User Comments:


Your friends did something extremely dangerous.

If someone says they don’t consume a specific food or drink, that’s all they have to say. It’s basic human respect to understand that and not bring it up again.

What if you were a recovering heavy drinker? On specific medication? Pregnant? Sick?

If you were any of these things, the booze could’ve potentially destroyed your life.

Your friends didn’t have to know about any conditions because, again, basic human respect.

And, even if you had no issue, you’re at a party. That’s red alarm 101. Getting wasted at parties has a number of horror stories. What would’ve happened to you if you couldn’t find help or passed out?

I think you’re underreacting. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them.” mimi7600

0 points (0 votes)

4. AITJ For Wanting To Celebrate My Birthday At A Pizzeria?


“My (17F) parents are divorced and my dad has had main custody of me since I was 12.

My mother remarried 3 years ago and has a stepdaughter (18F). My mom is 9 months pregnant.

On my birthdays, usually, mum comes to my city (4 hours away) and celebrates with me, the only day of the year they can stand together.

This year, by coincidence, my father and mother were unable to travel to celebrate my birthday (my father for health reasons and my mother being extremely pregnant), but my father insisted that I go there once.

My birthday is this Thursday and I’ve been at my mother’s house since Sunday.

I always liked to go to a pizzeria in my mother’s city and when she asked what I would like to do for my birthday, I said that I would like to go to this pizzeria.

It’s one of the more expensive ones, but my dad gave me money so my mom and I could go.

Today, my mother came to talk to me asking if I could choose another option, as it would be extremely expensive for her husband and stepdaughter to go (Example fictitious value, they earn 4k together and it is 400 for two people) and she would like us to have that moment with family, instead of just the two of us going and leaving them at home.

I honestly said that I don’t want to because it’s somewhere I’ve gone to a few times and I like it a lot. Besides, I came to celebrate with HER and we can both go. If they can’t go, I don’t think it’s fair to have to give up something I want for my birthday because of them.

She kept insisting to think about it and what it would be like to celebrate with everyone and I got irritated, saying that if she kept this up I would catch a bus tomorrow and go back to my dad’s house.

She started crying and became a mess. She accused me of blackmailing her emotionally by threatening to leave and how petty/selfish I was being about a pizzeria when there are lots of other options in town that are cheaper.

Mum is not talking to me right now and her husband/daughter is criticizing me for making her stressed late in her pregnancy about something so futile.

My dad said I should give in and that whatever’s left I’ll keep for myself, but I think it’s so unfair and I’m strongly considering leaving.


Another User Comments:


Your dad gave you the money to cover you and your mom at the restaurant you wanted to go to. Cost is not the real issue because that has been covered or offset by your dad.

The real issue is that your mom wants to invite additional people that you, the guest of honor, do not want to come.

People your dad did not cover because you don’t want them there. And THOSE people are the ones who cannot afford to go to the restaurant you chose. There’s nothing wrong with holding your ground here.

Your mom can have a 1:1 birthday dinner with you without her husband and his child there.

There is no reason they need to come, and if they can’t afford to come, then there’s the answer right there.

Insisting you change your birthday to accommodate people you don’t want to invite is wrong. Your mom shouldn’t be forcing you to invite your step-family along to begin with, and she especially shouldn’t be forcing you to choose a different restaurant so that they can come.

It’s YOUR birthday.” Meemaws_BearCheese

Another User Comments:

“NTJ at all. Your mom lives 4 hours away so you obviously don’t get much of a chance to go to this place you really like, and on a special occasion like your birthday you should absolutely be able to go where you want. Your mom is being an entitled jerk.

There is no need for her partner and stepchild to attend. Again, it’s your birthday and you are well within your rights to want some one on one time with your mom. As a mom myself I kind of can’t believe she wouldn’t want to spend that kind of quality time with you.

She sucks. Being pregnant is not an excuse for being a selfish jerk. NTJ, get the pizza solo, then get outta there as soon as possible.

Oh and happy birthday!” Swimming_Tennis6641

Another User Comments:


Go to the pizza place by yourself, catch the bus back to your dad’s, and then pocket the rest. It’s your birthday.

Go where you want to go. It sucks that it would be by yourself, but that’s your mom’s decision.

Yes, mom has other people to think about but it wasn’t an issue before. When you were planning to go to your mom’s that was the time for her to bring this up.

Waiting until after you’re there to try and trap you into the decision was not fair on your mom’s part. She should have brought up wanting to do the group thing while discussing your visit. Not 3 days into the visit. You told her where you wanted to go and she came to you today to change it.

I feel this was your mom’s plan all along. Instead of springing her trap, this discussion should have been had before you got there. Since it’s your birthday and something you don’t get to do often I would say go alone and then go back home. Your dad is trying to keep the peace, but you shouldn’t have to change the plan because your mom couldn’t have this discussion beforehand.

Happy early Birthday!” muskiesfan1

0 points (0 votes)

3. AITJ For Not Allowing A Teenager To Take Part In Our Meeting?


“I’m in a support group for autistic women. We meet once a month and talk about our frustrations. Several of the women in the group were directed to us by a doctor they all see, but I’ve never met her. She’s not affiliated with our group, just aware of it and thought it was a good resource for her patients.

Sunday a woman showed up to the meeting with a teenager. She said Dr. So and So recommended the group for her daughter, who is autistic. I asked if her daughter was a minor, and she said she was. I said that wasn’t a good idea, because the group is for adult women, and her daughter might hear curse words or discussions of adult matters.

The woman said Dr. So and So probably wouldn’t be happy to hear that, which was confusing, because we aren’t affiliated with Dr. So and So. One of the other women said maybe we could do a teen-friendly meeting just this once. We voted, and everyone said they were okay with that.

However, the mom also wanted to attend the meeting. We do not allow anyone who isn’t autistic into our meetings, ever, so we told her no.

She said she couldn’t leave her daughter alone with us, especially because we already admitted we curse and discuss inappropriate topics. I said that was fine, they were welcome to leave.

We went into the conference room and tried to begin our meeting, but she followed us in. I had to go get the librarian to come and tell her the conference room was reserved for a private event, so she couldn’t come in.

The mom said she was going to email Dr.

So and So and left. The meeting went fine, but afterward, one of the women who is a patient of Dr. So and So asked me if I thought her doctor would be mad at her. I said I had no idea, but you don’t owe anything to Dr. So and So’s other patients.

After all, she pays Dr. So and So, not the other way around.

However, she was very concerned and worried we did something wrong. So were we jerks for not letting them in?”

Another User Comments:

“All groups have boundaries, it’s a structure that suits your group and that has its limitations that help the members who know the boundaries of their safe space.

It was kind of you to vote for the girl to attend and make a change to your group parameters that time even though it didn’t happen.

The mother is the jerk for expecting a group to accept her daughter without ringing to check beforehand and then expecting them to just allow her into that space as well.

How would she expect the daughter to share freely with her mother sitting there watching her talk?

And NTJ. Dr. So and So would probably be mortified to think that somewhere they know is a good resource is being affected in this way.” Dio55

Another User Comments:


If it really is an adults-only group meeting, then it is totally fine to enforce that rule.

Also, if the meeting is for people with autism only, you are being totally reasonable telling the mother she can’t come.

And you are right, whoever this doctor is doesn’t have any authority to dictate the rules. My guess is that the doctor wasn’t aware that it was an adult-only group when they made the recommendation though, and I would be extremely surprised if they take any issue with what happened…

if anything it was a mistake on the doctor’s part to send their patient to the meeting and set this whole thing into motion.” Tdluxon

Another User Comments:


You were doing everything properly – your group is for ADULT Autistic Women – it is a group where you all can speak openly and honestly about anything a member thinks and feels.

You shouldn’t have to sensor your speech or topics. Mom is not Autistic so that means she shouldn’t be there. The daughter is a minor (with a mother who seems to think her daughter has never heard a curse word) this isn’t the group for her.

If Dr. So & So has an issue they should contact you and ask about your rules.

You are not beholden to this doctor, and the other member shouldn’t worry about this – like you told her; she pays that doctor for help.

You, women, were not unkind to the mother & daughter you simply told them the rules of the group.

I would think that since you all are adults real talk about topics of drinking, past trauma, substance use, birth control, possible mistreatment, etc could all come up – those are important things to talk about and you shouldn’t have to constrain yourselves because a child is present. This sounds like a Mom who’d have no problem with causing you all grief if she thought you all were being too ‘adult’ in front of her child.

You were looking out for the welfare of the group members AND for the girl.” CarrieCat62

0 points (0 votes)

2. AITJ For Paying Someone To Clean Our House?


“My husband (21M) and I (22F) have been living together for 2 years and we split the chores in a fair way. I cook and do the dishes, he does the laundry and feeds the cats and we both do the general cleaning around the house but since I got pregnant my energy has dropped completely and I can barely manage work and the cooking, I feel so tired so I can’t handle the cleaning so I talked to my husband about getting some help to clean the house since I just can’t manage to do it and he said no immediately because he says he doesn’t want strangers in the privacy of our home and he doesn’t feel comfortable with someone else cleaning our mess.

I told him we could hire a friend of the family that helps my grandmother with the cleaning and of course, I would pay for it since I don’t feel like I can do my share of the chores. He still said no and that he would take care of my part of the cleaning as well.

I agreed but offered to pay the same rate since I don’t feel comfortable with him taking over all the cleaning without any compensation since we always try to be fair on everything. He agreed and said he would start to clean everything by himself and I would pay for 2 days’ worth of cleaning every week.

It’s been 3 weeks and although I do admit it’s been crazy with the upcoming holiday planning no general cleaning has been done and the house is starting to smell and it only makes me feel worse because I feel exhausted I already lost 5 pounds because I can’t eat and the state of the house it’s getting really bad.

I’ve been asking him to clean over and over or I would call someone to come and clean and he said he would do it over the weekend but he never did so yesterday I finally couldn’t take it anymore so I took a day off work and called my family friend to come and clean.

She did an amazing job. My husband came home from work and told me that he thought I didn’t want to clean and I told him I didn’t I hired my family friend and he snapped, he got so angry and told me I was a disrespectful jerk for violating his privacy.

I told him I was with her the whole time and she did a great job but he said that I just should’ve waited for him to clean or just done it myself and I told him that if I waited we would be living in a dumpster by Christmas and that it wasn’t fair because I’m pretty much starving because of the pregnancy.

He kept saying that it was so disrespectful and that I should’ve talked to him first and I reminded him that I did ask him to clean and made it very clear that I would pay him but he just didn’t do it and he doesn’t have to be the whole day in the house with the mess (I work from home).

He just said that I exposed our home and let the family friend know how lazy, messy, and dirty we are. He stormed off and didn’t come back until late in the night and he won’t talk to me so I think that maybe he was right and I should have asked him to clean again instead of calling my friend, so AITJ?”

Another User Comments:


And you shouldn’t have felt the need to compensate him financially if he had taken over the housework while you were too unwell to do it. People have different financial agreements in marriages, but people also pick up the slack for their S/Os in situations like pregnancy when it becomes hard to put in 50/50.

I understand him feeling uncomfortable with someone else cleaning up his mess – but if he wouldn’t do it, and you’ve expressed not feeling able to, the only answer is someone else coming in to help. Good job for getting the help you needed, and I hope your husband comes around and realizes how unfair it is to expect you to continue living in a dirty space due to his own discomfort and unfulfilled promises.” ellekatp

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, mostly but some people are weird about having other people clean their stuff.

Seems your husband is one.

You did what needed to be done because your husband didn’t but going forward you should be more clear. If this isn’t done by such and such a time I’m bringing in a cleaner.

That said, marriage doesn’t work 50/50 so why you offered to pay your husband to clean is beyond me.

Sometimes you do more, sometime he’ll do more. It will ebb and flow. A marriage that insists that everything be 50/50 won’t survive especially after a child enters the picture.

That said, growing a human is hard. It sucks your energy, your vitamins, and your oxygen. You do not need to apologize for being exhausted.

It’s normal and your husband needs to pick up the slack without complaint or bringing in a cleaner himself.

When the baby is born it’s pretty likely you’ll still be exhausted, but like most mothers, you’ll just adapt to functioning on less sleep, food, energy, etc, and will be handling more of the load (including child load) than he will.

Discuss this with your husband, so you are both aware that at times one of you will be doing more heavy lifting than the other.” Ok_Butterfly_3174

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I would suggest asking him how he sees the division of labor going once the baby is actually born. If this extra cleaning was already too much for him he needs to figure out how he’s going to deal with it.

He needs to understand after the birth of a baby your body needs rest for the sake of you and the baby! So he’ll have to help and it can’t be on a lackadaisical schedule. A newborn can’t be waiting a week for dirty bottles and dusty floors to finally be addressed.

NTJ, be sure he comes with you to your next appointment so he can hear directly from your doctor what stress does to a pregnant woman and the inherent dangers it has for the baby. I hope he quits being a jerk to you and takes his fatherhood role more seriously going forward.” Tasman_Tiger

0 points (0 votes)

1. AITJ For Not Answering My Husband's Call?


“I have a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old so keeping them on a good sleep schedule is pretty important.

Whenever my husband is away, he’ll facetime with the kids for a little while. We agreed before he left that he would call at 6:30 pm my time as their bedtime is around 8 pm.

He called late from the start but he was always apologetic and said his meeting overran so I let it go at first. After the fourth time, I told him I wouldn’t answer if he called later than 7:30 pm as it was ruining their sleep schedule and he was calling later and later every day.

I never answered when he called to speak to the kids for 3 days because he called after 7:30 pm and now he’s angry at me even though I suggested he call earlier if that worked better for him as it didn’t.


Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You aren’t wrong for sticking to your word.

Not answering after 7:30 is perfectly reasonable if bedtime is at 8. Schedules can be super important! (As I sit here with the consequence of my schedule deviation wide awake.)

However, if situations are out of his control (meetings running long) he isn’t necessarily the jerk either.

If he has time to call earlier in the day and just refuses to, he’s definitely the jerk.

When my partner had to travel for work, they called whenever they had a spare second since their schedule could be unpredictable.” theyhavekids

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here, at that age it’s hard to get the routine down right, and when you have it down, you keep it down.

Its sucks for your husband.

Maybe send him some videos of the kids saying goodnight. Or if he can send a video of himself in-between meetings or his lunch break saying goodnight which you can then use before their bedtime. It’s not as good as saying it in real time but I think that’s a decent compromise.” Ace_boy08

Another User Comments:


First of all, you’re managing a two and four-year-old by yourself.

So that’s stressful and feels like you’re managing the best you can. Secondly, children at that age really do best with a routine, and from my experience going to sleep is not just ‘plunk them in bed,’ it’s a whole thing. Your husband knows this because he’s home when they’re in bed at 8 pm.

If you need the call to be before 7:30, so that you’re able to settle them in bed, then your husband needs to get with the program. It feels like you’ve been flexible, so I think he needs to stick to that boundary.” LLTolkien

0 points (0 votes)

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