People Wonder If They Deserve A Bad Rep Because Of Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
23. AITJ For Involving The Principal In My Email With A Teacher?
“I’m (F18) not sure if this is actually horrible or not, I just feel incredibly bad about the situation. My teacher, we’ll call him Mr. Nel (M40s), is extremely paranoid about being fired from his job. He has a tendency to talk about being misinterpreted and ‘canceled’ for something he says.
He has gone as far as banning phones because he is convinced people will post them online and get him fired. While this is fine and dandy, he never responds to emails and it’s affecting my grade. I’m under a 504 plan due to severe nerve damage in my hands, and cannot write physically for extensive periods.
I told him this in person and via email, and he has been aware of the 504 plan for the past two years— even if I don’t declare it all the time and try my best to seem able-bodied.
Recently, he gave me a 75% on an essay for not having a written rough draft.
In my family, having anything under a 90% is considered ‘shameful on the family name,’ so I may have panicked a bit. Knowing he never responds to emails, I tacked on my principal (M40s) and my counselor (M50s) so that they could talk to him in person.
Maybe 30 minutes later, I received a private email from Mr. Nel saying that I should not have attached his boss and that we should speak privately in the future.
This was a little weird cause he never responds, never is the first to email, and I have never been asked by a teacher to talk privately in a situation like this.
I just agreed to it, saw he fixed my grade, and tried to move on with my day. However, I’m haunted by the idea that he may think I wanted to get him deliberately fired. I’m just about to graduate and I really don’t want to affect my professional relationships with my teachers.
After all, maybe he just forgot and I was not thinking the situation through… What should I do? AITJ in this situation or am I overthinking it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He has a history of not responding to emails. You had a right to get your grade adjusted according to the terms of your 504, and regardless of your home situation, you needed him to see and acknowledge your email in a timely manner.
Thus, you were forced to CC the principal and counselor.
Will he think you were trying to get him fired? Probably. But that’s his problem. He won’t get fired for this if this is the only mistake he has on his record with the school.
But, if he’s so worried about being canceled/fired for something he says in class, it’s possible he has been scolded many times and truly is in danger of losing his job. In this case, this issue may be used as an excuse to finally fire him.
Even so, not your fault, not your responsibility.” penpapercats
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ. Talking things through in person is always better than escalating them. You didn’t try the ‘in-person’ or private route at all before escalating.
Imagine this was a coworker, or boss, in your professional career.
You would immediately escalate something in an email format to say to the Vice President? It scares the other person and bullies them a bit.
I think you should have gone in person/requested a zoom meeting so you can explain yourself, and give the teacher a chance to explain himself.
You knew he was afraid for his job (yes some people are paranoid) but you immediately exploited that weakness to get your way. You would have gotten your way anyway, you’re on a 504, it would have just taken longer. Also if the assignment says to have a rough draft, you need a rough draft, your 504 is there so you have more time to submit the assignment (unless you have a specific accommodation about assignment criteria), not ignore instructions.
I know the pressure to get good grades is high, but you took advantage of someone’s fear about their livelihood.” iKoalabear
Another User Comments:
“Respond to his private email to you with EVERYONE else copied in. You have no ‘professional’ relationship with your teachers.
They are there to teach and follow any and all educational support plans that are in place. When you walk the stage for graduation, you are officially done with this ‘teacher’.
Again, reply and copy all. State that you have accepted the grade that reflects your 504.
State that since he typically does not respond to emails you are ensuring his response by copying in those who support your educational needs.
You are overthinking this, by the way. He appears to have consistently ignored his duty of care to students. Maybe it’s time he’s held accountable.
NTJ.” Beck2010
22. WIBTJ If I Don't Allow My Husband's Family To See Our Newborn Kids Yet?
“I (F21) am pregnant with twins. I am due end of July. Long story short, my husband (M22) and I have been living with my mom since our landlord chose not to renew our lease back in Dec 2021. We are hoping to have our own place again before the twins are born but if we have no luck, we’ll be staying with my mom until we do.
Since my husband and I got together back in 2017 until now, our business and moves have been known by everyone in my family. I’ve cut multiple people off and distanced myself from others, but somehow everything going on in my life goes around quickly.
I’ve been very fed up with this especially because my family always has something to opinion on and I tried to hide my pregnancy.
At 5 months, I told my mom (mostly because it was very noticeable) and the next day everyone in my family knew even after I told her not to tell.
I can’t leave because again I have nowhere else to go. But I made it very clear to her and my family that when I give birth if I have my own place I would be going very private and taking my time to heal and would not allow visitors or pictures or constant calls.
If I didn’t have my own place, only my mom and younger siblings would be around so then seeing the twins would be out of my control, and my mom offered to help me with them since I also have a 2-year-old, that way my husband can also go back to work asap instead of taking more days off.
I don’t want her help but if I’m here I’ll take advantage of it so we can get more funds from my husband’s income to hurry up and leave.
However, I don’t want my husband’s family constantly trying to see the twins or visiting or calling bc overall I won’t be allowing anyone else to see the babies from my side of the family except my mom again if I’m still living here and that’s bc I have no choice.
So WIBTJ? I don’t want to be unfair and he has just as much say as I do and I want to make sure I’m not crossing the line and also validate his feelings if I choose to do this but I want others’ perspectives to make sure it’s fair?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ, you say ‘if I choose to do this’ like who your infants see is unilaterally your choice – it should be agreed upon between you AND your partner.
You both should agree before you let anyone around your infants, but the way you are wording this is like you want justification that it is ‘fair’ for you to ban your husband’s family from interacting with your babies at any point, in any capacity, for months with no clear rationale.
Unless there is a clear reason (which you haven’t provided), I don’t think you are being fair to your husband at all honestly.” jmaeww
Another User Comments:
“As a mother, I find it ridiculous you were given a jerk rating. NTJ, in my opinion.
Having a baby is tiresome and traumatic. You don’t need to worsen this by having X amount of people coming in and out every day bugging you and your baby. Especially when you already have an older kid.
My son was born last year and I was isolated from a lot of my family for the first month.
Of course, this annoyed some people (mostly my step-grandmother) but he’s not their kid so they can suck it.
As a mother, your first priorities are your child’s safety and your sanity. I isolated myself to keep the risk of my son and me getting sick low.
The people who did come over to help were VERY limited. Like 2 or 3 people tops.
Additionally, my mental health was strained cause I wasn’t used to someone needing my attention so often for such long periods of time. It was definitely an adjustment.
As of March, my best friend and son’s Godfather has been taking my son once a week for an entire day so I can focus on sleeping, unwinding, cleaning, cooking, working on art, or whatever else needs to be done without the distraction of my baby.
And it has helped tremendously.
Since you’re having twins, I believe it’s more likely to go through a C Section than a natural birth, and you are definitely going to need the quiet time to heal from that. But of course that all depends on how the pregnancy goes.
You and your partner decide what is best for you guys. It’s not like you’re cutting off your husband’s family entirely. You want to prevent both sides from barging in unwelcome, but you can’t exactly do that to a T while living with your mother and younger siblings.
You tried to keep things down low for the sake of privacy but your mother disrespected that. In my opinion, the only jerk is her for not agreeing to keep your pregnancy secret. NO ONE is entitled to you or your children if you do not want them there.
I wish you luck in your endeavors, hopefully, you find a place for a good price so you don’t have to live there for longer than you’d like.” mother-Marie
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and a major one at that. Basically, you want to shut down your husband’s family and alienate him too.
I assume you see your child as your little plaything and for you only to decide what you do with it.
If I was your husband, I would be very worried about your attitude and looking to protect myself from you deciding that it would be best if he didn’t spend any time with his children.” TheVoiceofOlaf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Not even a question. You will just have birthed two full humans from your body and ONLY you can decide what is right for you and your body and recovery. Mental recovery is just as important as physical recovery and don’t let any jerk in the comments tell you otherwise.
I’ve read through a bunch of them and they all seem to forget about a woman’s bodily autonomy. You’re not restricting them from the child per se, you are establishing boundaries for yourself. Anyone who thinks that other people have a ‘right’ to see the babies before you as the mother are ready can kindly go screw themselves.” MermaidOutOfWater15
21. WIBTJ If I Lie To My Family To Protect My Partner?
“Recently my partner and I were over at a gathering and there was a situation where my partner referred to one of the kids there (the family member’s kid) as a rude name involving a curse word. The kid is a handful but he’s a kid.
The kid is under five years old and understandably my family member was furious. A family member later called me and told me they specifically didn’t get into it with my partner because of their love and respect for me. They didn’t want me angry with them.
I told my partner of the issue and that my family member was angry. I even asked if he did it.
My partner was suddenly furious and defensive that I didn’t stick up for him, no one said anything to his face, and told me he would never call a child that (he said it wasn’t even in his vocabulary) and he didn’t understand what the big deal would be when said to an adult and not the child.
‘People call kids all sorts of things,’ he said. I told him I did support him and I’d speak with my family member about the situation, I and my close family and didn’t want any tension. But I really understand my family member’s side…
I’d be angry too.
It’s been weeks and he’s still bringing it up. He’s told his family about it and they all think I’m being extremely unsupportive and it’s not fair to him. But with this situation, I’ve left out an important piece of information to everyone except my sister – I heard the whole conversation.
I was standing right there. I know he did say it. I don’t feel good lying at all, I’m worried it would just escalate the situation if I came clean and called him out. I know they were all drinking that day and maybe it was too much to drink but I don’t know what to do…
I don’t want drama or tension but I don’t like lying.
If you think I’m the jerk for lying, I understand that – I really do. I feel bad doing it, but I did it out of some twisted protection (that doesn’t excuse what I did).
But every time he says I’m not being supportive, I’m a bad partner, or guilts me over the situation I think about it and it just makes me angry. It’s still going on now, it’s escalating on its own and driving me NUTS.
I want to call him out every time he guilts me over it but I stop myself. He keeps telling me things are my fault when he doesn’t want to go somewhere because that family member is there.
Am I the jerk for wanting to come clean to everyone?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You should have just said as much in the beginning. I can’t imagine being with someone and not being able to tell them, ‘I heard you say it.’ What? This is the relationship you want for yourself? He’s gaslighting you, you know it and are just letting it happen.
WHAT?!?!” Thart85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but your partner sure is. It’s concerning that he feels so comfortable lying and that he’s lobbying his family members in support of him despite the fact that you’re not bringing up the issue.” OkMathematician3885
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but that’s okay.
It seems like you have some codependency issues because you don’t want him to ruin his idealized version of you. Don’t be afraid, to be honest with them and if he is getting really upset then unfortunately this might not be the relationship for you.” MermaidOutOfWater15
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Holy cow, your partner is a manipulative liar who is working overtime at grinding you down into submission. He brings other people into the problems he made. He talks trash about little kids and your family. He blames you and makes you feel bad about yourself.
It wasn’t too much to drink or he wouldn’t be going to these extreme lengths to cover up being a jerk which is just making him more of a jerk. This is who he is. Why on earth are you covering for him instead of standing up for yourself and your family? Don’t even call him out.
You don’t want any drama? Then cut out the one causing it – him. He’s a massive jerk and I have no sympathy for you if you stay with him because I seriously doubt this will be an isolated incident.” ConferenceDecent4222
Andthe way he is gaslighting you and you just keep stewing in it. Grow a pair and let them know...you didnt want to make it a thing...but since hes being ASH about it...you in fact heard him say it and his behaviour afyter is just proof how much he has no respect foe you, your family or common decency
@
20. AITJ For Not Going To The Finals?
“I am in high school and I am a senior. I do sports, and we have a good coach and a team. So during our season, our coach ordered team uniforms but they didn’t arrive until we had one more game, and being a senior, I wasn’t going to buy something I was gonna wear once and never again.
Then the coach says there is a chance most of us could go to finals but nothing was set in stone. So I was thinking about buying the uniforms now for finals because the uniform I practice in is illegal for finals but they didn’t let us know who was going until three days before finals.
I was gonna buy it until I found out the uniforms wouldn’t fit the other girls and most of their parts were exposed, now our mother had said that she wouldn’t be buying a uniform if it wasn’t modest and our coach knows that.
So I was just going to buy another uniform to wear. I was just told today that if I didn’t buy the team uniform I would be taken out of all my events.
Now here is where I think I am the jerk.
My event is a relay team and without me, my teammates can’t compete. One of them being their only event and a senior. I have decided not to go because as much as we have a good coach they are very bipolar and go back on what they said and have been doing this all season and I’m done with all the nonsense I get from them.
Also, I don’t want to spend the whole day at a place with a coach to hear them complain.
I just want to know AITJ to that one teammate for their last chance at league even tho I am done without the coach and don’t really like my teammate.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Since you are in high school, you probably haven’t realized this yet, but it is not your responsibility or problem when an authority figure makes a decision that goes against your morals or beliefs. Also, it is not your responsibility to pick up the slack caused by a lack of communication.
Do what makes you comfortable and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for having boundaries, even your teammates.” MermaidOutOfWater15
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I honestly don’t know how you could possibly be the jerk. The coach made a decision. You are honoring his decision.
This is so not your problem I can’t even tell you. If the coach wants you on the team, they can buy you the uniform. This is not a situation where you quit. You don’t have the uniform, and the coach said you can’t compete because of that.
This is the coach’s decision. They can find another runner.” jdogx17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You bear no responsibility for this situation, it rests solely on your coach and the school administration he represents, so he would be the jerk, but you. If I understand this correctly your coach is responsible for several factors that caused this situation.
The delay in receiving the uniforms vastly reduces the usefulness and value of the required uniform.
While tournament legal uniforms make multiple members of the team uncomfortable due to modesty concerns, your agreement with your mom indicates this was not what was intended for the uniforms and is undeniably wrong.
You should never be required to wear clothing you find uncomfortable, especially if that is for moral or proprietary reasons. Since you would be paying for these uniforms the above reasons are far more severe.
Depending on the rules for replacements, it would be either the rules at fault for causing your friends to drop out of the relay or the coach for failing to train a reserve.
You are not required to sacrifice your mental health for your friends nor are you responsible for the critical equipment failure of the uniforms or the short notice caused by the delayed arrival of said equipment. Finally, while the coach may be an effective coach, he cannot be a good coach if his mental health is causing portions or a majority of the team to be done with his nonsense. There is a significant difference between pushing people to succeed and causing unnecessary stress, and this sounds like the latter.” Free_Ad_7708
19. AITJ For Not Letting My Roommate Use My Stuff?
“When people use my things, it gives me huge discomfort and itchy feelings because I fear they won’t take care of it the way I do, or worse they’d lose them. I don’t think it is stinginess because I have an extra pair of the same thing which I’ve completely dissociated from to share with others.
I have been doing quite well in maintaining these issues since living in a hostel.
My roommate likes to go out and eat meals with the others, and she would often use my utensils. And she’s very forgetful so I would have to track them to get them back.
But lately, my things have been going missing. When I asked where she left them, she’d just say I don’t know. It’s so frustrating because I can’t say anything since this is my own issue. So I got her her own utensils, bowls, and forks and all, and told her to stop using mine.
But she was really upset that I wouldn’t share things with her and she has been in a bad mood since then. Have I gone too far by doing this? I understand if I come off as a stingy person. I also wanted to say I have been denying her request to borrow money, like I said, she’s a forgetful person and I don’t like asking her to repay.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, at all.
I’m sorry, but you’re not the issue, she’s the issue. People have this idea that they have to share their things because that’s what they were taught as kids, but it’s not the same in adulthood. If your roommate is losing things that you own, and you paid for, you have the right to deny sharing those things with her.
Considering she just gives you a flippant response when you ask where your things are, it’s obvious that she has no consideration for your property.
If she can’t take care of your silverware, she needs her own. You even bought her her own utensils, when the average person would have told their roommate to go buy them themselves.
The more stuff that she loses of yours, the more moolah that is wasted on your end. Speaking of, ASK HER TO REPAY YOU. She’s clearly not a forgetful person, she is using your generosity to your advantage. Stick up for yourself, set some boundaries, and ask for respect, because you deserve it.” OnlyInMyDreams393
Another User Comments:
“She’s a roommate.
You have ZERO obligation to share utensils with her unless you’ve arranged that in advance. Double that because she’s careless with your possessions, she’s not a responsible custodian. You’re also not required to lend to a roommate – you are simply not responsible for roommates (unless you adopt them, which I do not recommend).
NTJ.” Eichmil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not stingy. You’re a person who appreciates respect for your boundaries. Possibly more introverted, who prefer not to be invaded in this way. You’ve done everything you can for this person, bought her things to use, and asked her not to take your stuff. Can you lock your things up in your room?” AffectionateMine2220
18. WIBTJ If I Call Out My Brother's Significant Other's Lies?
“I (F25) have been married to my husband (M32) for almost two years and we’ve been together for six. We recently packed up all of our belongings and our baby and moved 6 states away from our home. We have no family here in our new place except for my brother (M41).
We’re staying at his house while our house is being renovated and it’s been nothing but problems. First of all, he has cameras all around the inside of his house and he actively listens to the conversations that I have with my husband.
Yeah sure, it’s his house, he can do what he wants.
The thing is, my brother takes these recordings of my conversations and shares them with his partner (F40) all the while badmouthing my husband and saying that he’s ‘not a man’ simply because he doesn’t pay for me to get my hair and nails done.
This has caused some tension in my relationship as I feel like I can’t speak my mind to the man I married and my brother constantly embarrasses the both of us to others. His partner recently pulled me aside and told me all of what she heard and ended with, ‘You shouldn’t be with someone like that.
You should just leave him.’ That really set me off and I wanted to tell her that she thinks her man is so great all the while he’s bringing home a different girl every night and sleeping with girls when he goes on business trips.
I can’t seem to understand why two people, one of which is divorced, the other who has never had a man be anything but a baby daddy, think it’s okay to weigh in on someone else’s marriage and attack the husband all because he ‘doesn’t take care of his wife’ in the most superficial way.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. Listen, your brother absolutely sucks and so does his SO. But you are staying with them. He’s doing you a major favor. If you want to bite the hand that feeds you be prepared to move somewhere else the same day and have him never speak to you again, which is fine if that’s what you want.
But YWBTJ if you think you can say those things and still stay with him.” MacaronDeep1014
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but honestly I don’t think the serial lying thing is even relevant, the fact that these people consistently record you without your permission and listen in on your private conversation is enough to know they are both garbage.” ViolaVetch75
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It’s your brother’s house, if you don’t like it you are free to leave. Also, your brother’s relationship is his own. How would you like it if he tells your kids what an awful person you were, would that be ok?
I assume the living there cheaply (free?) part is too nice for you to actually leave and acted honestly, and as such you should just be quiet and accept it.
Honestly you sound controlling and manipulative.” TheVoiceofOlaf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But stop paying his bills so you and your family can stay in a hotel or something. THEN tell the gf about his extracurriculars. Or better yet, if you can access the video footage of him and his side pieces, put them on an endless loop on the main TV when SO comes to visit.” 304Mammy
17. AITJ For Not Letting My Partner Sleep?
“Me (28F) and my partner (29M) have been butting heads for about 2 years on this issue. He moved in with me in July 2019 and we have been struggling a bit more with this issue during the health crisis.
My partner is a smoker and, I would personally say, a heavy drinker (drinks 4-5x a week, usually a whole bottle of wine or 1.5 -2L of beer).
Now that doesn’t bother me that much because I feel like it’s his body/health and he should do what he wants with it. However, because he has a deviated septum, whenever he drinks (on top of smoking), he ends up snoring A LOT.
Whenever he is sick and does not smoke or drink, he does not snore at all, so we know that is the main cause for his heavy snoring.
Now, onto me: I’m a very light sleeper and I’ve been that way since a teenager (had a lot of insomnia issues back then).
I started using earplugs and that helped a lot, so I used them ever since. However, even after searching for earplugs that protect against high decibels of sound, that is still no match to my partner’s snoring.
I’ve brought this issue to my partner countless times and I am always the one to try and come up with solutions: him using nasal strips, sprays, going to a doctor for specialized help, etc.
He seems to try the solution for some time then drops it completely. We’ve been going through cycles of me pleading for him to try and research for solutions or at least not drinking during weekdays, him trying then quickly dropping, and back to me pleading again.
I’ve even discussed this with my therapist (which I go to once a week because I’ve had anxiety/depression since a young adult) and she told me to really try and ask why he refuses to act and take care of this issue which stops me from doing a basic, core needs to every human and it impacts my mental health, but to no avail.
So, after a long time of trying, I’ve started to wake up my partner whenever he snores to show him how horrible it is to not be able to sleep, and of course, he is annoyed. He acts like I’m overreacting and is not that loud, and tell me to leave him alone and that he just wants to sleep.
I promise you guys I tried every single angle to try and resolve this matter, from talking calmly, and helping look for solutions to desperately crying because I couldn’t sleep (I’m writing this right now at 6 AM because I had, once again, a terrible night of sleep).
So, am I being the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but he is. He has a drinking problem, is likely a heavy drinker, and refuses to do anything about it even though it is causing you an incredible amount of problems. He refuses to admit that it even is a problem.
He does not respect you. For me, that would be a deal breaker. I get it as I am a very light sleeper as well and once I am woken in the middle of the night, I’m up for hours. It sucks to not get a decent sleep, especially 4-5 nights/week.
I don’t blame you for crying.
Ask yourself if this is sustainable in the long run. I can answer that for you – it isn’t. Not physically, nor mentally. It is time to cut him loose or get a 2 bedroom place so you can each have your own room – you need sleep.
He does not need booze/drink – he just wants them more than he cares about your well-being.” Canning-mama-1998
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and while I know snoring/sleep was the theme of this post, drinking and poor health habits are the real crux of this.
This is a compatibility issue that extends beyond sleeping habits. I actually think it’s kind of strange that he’s apparently cooperative enough to try whatever solution you suggest, but just not… stick with it long enough to see if it’ll work?
If he’s not in a good mental state to put forth efforts to fix his bad habits, this is going to fester.
It’s already started. Getting sleep headphones is a bandaid, sleeping in another room is a bandaid, and snoring mitigation is a bandaid. The real issue is that he needs to take better care of himself and he is refusing.
OP, it’s not okay that you’re up late sobbing over this.
Make yourself some hot tea, light a pretty candle, take some deep breaths, put on music, and have an honest conversation with yourself if this is something you’re potentially willing to put up with for the rest of your life. If it isn’t, set down an ultimatum with him tomorrow, and be prepared to move on if he’s not willing to put in the work for you.
It hurts to see someone do this to themselves, and while we want to be there for them the best we can, we’re not obligated to destroy ourselves doing it. Prioritize yourself and make sure you’re getting the self-care you need.” one_1f_by_land
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It sounds like your partner doesn’t actually care how this issue affects you. That’s a huge problem, regardless of the snoring. My husband snores while on his back and I’m a light sleeper. If he’s snoring I wake him up and ask him to move onto his side, which he does, and goes back to sleep without issue.
He understands that he snores, and how it disrupts my sleep, and he cares about me so he doesn’t mind. If you’re able to then consider not sharing a bedroom.
We did this for a few years when we had a big enough house and it was wonderful.
However, that’s not going to solve the base issue of your partner not caring about your ability to sleep. If this is how he’s acting now then it’s not going to improve as time goes on. Consider how much of your life you’re willing to spend literally begging your partner to care about you.” _Kenndrah_
16. AITJ For Shaving?
“I (17 f) have a partner (17 m) who has a sister (15 f) who I’ll call Lilly and she’s the youngest in their family. She gets most of what she wants and never says please or thank you. Now, I’m also the youngest but I’ve been working since I was 12.
If I wanted something extra, I was told to earn the moolah and get it myself. I don’t get along with her too much but we can hold it together for family functions.
Now here’s what happened. Lilly is SUPER environmental and she’s loud and proud about it and for earth day she threw a party and she had a list of requirements to come to said party:
You cannot wear any clothes that are not biodegradable.
No products of any kind that isn’t green, no deodorant or makeup nothing like that.
No freshly waxed or shaved legs or arms that didn’t use a green product.
And there were more but these were the ones I remember off the top of my head.
Now, ever since I found out what a razor is, I have been shaving not because anyone has forced me but because I like the way it looks and feels. I don’t care if you don’t shave but I feel the most confident when I shave.
I shave my legs, arms, armpits the only hair I like is the hair on my head plus eyebrows and eyelashes obviously.
Now, I was in the shower, freshly shaved and then my partner reminded me of Lilly’s party the next day.
I panicked because I know my hair wasn’t growing back overnight so I wore boots that went up to my knee jeans and a long sleeve shirt (I checked they were green) now all was going well until I rolled up my sleeves to grab some food and that’s when Lilly saw my arms.
She looked at me and said are you effing kidding me right now? You just hate me THAT much don’t you? I rolled down my sleeves, “Sorry I forgot that party was today.”
She lost it, yelling and screaming and calling me slurs I had never even heard of and my partner grabbed me and we left.
I felt bad about it but I was still in shock at the moment my partner berated me in the car. Then I got calls and texts from his side of the family calling me every name in the world. I don’t think I was in the wrong but I’m losing my mind.
My partner expects me to apologize to her and I don’t know what to do. I love my partner and I don’t want to mess this up so am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s great that Lily cares about the climate and the environment.
We need more people doing that. But making demands on which products people use before going to a party is taking it too far – like into a different galaxy too far!
Also, it’s illogical. So in case, you don’t own any biodegradable clothes, would she then expect you to go buy something, especially for the party? That’s not smart for the climate or the environment.
The same goes for the products you use.
She sounds unhinged and like she needs help moderating her feelings and expectations.” HeatCute
Another User Comments:
“Holy cow. Lily is missing the whole point. A wonderful idea to care about the environment around you… but checking and flipping out over someone’s shaved arms at a party is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever read in my life.
Has exactly nothing to do with the environment either. It makes her come across as a ‘poser’ who is out for attention and not to make a real difference.
NTJ in any way whatsoever.” Dylans116thDream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Geez, I would’ve just not gone to the party.
Sounds like a terrible time being around people like that.
For your information: it’s okay to have your beliefs and ideals. It’s fine to care about the environment etc. But once you start restricting other people to your own ideals, that’s when it becomes a problem.
To have a party like that, I think it should be optional whether you want to take every single step. One can maybe try to do one of those requirements, but it shouldn’t be forced. If you want it forced, don’t invite people who don’t share your ideals.” SYRLEY
15. AITJ For Going Over My Boss's Head?
“I started working EMS again at one of my local hospitals as an EMT. It’s a great job, with decent pay as an EMT and great partners. As a daily vehicle, I drive a 2008 Cummins that was modified before I bought it with a straight pipe exhaust with no mufflers or resonators.
It’s a ‘Salt Belt’ truck, so there’s rust, especially on the exhaust pipe. It rusted most of the hangers and it vibrates when it’s cold. Cool.
My last rotation on Night Shift was two weeks ago. It had been super cold and both of my maintenance batteries froze and went bad.
I had to leave my truck running all night so I could get home and replace them. My supervisor (who is rarely ever actually in the EMS office) informed me there had been complaints from hospital neighbors that my truck was left on.
I informed him that the issue was taken care of and that there would be no reason to leave it on all night again. He was cool with it!
Fast forward a week to yesterday. At the start of the shift, he informed me that he had received another complaint because I started my truck 10 minutes before the end of my shift (6 PM-6 AM).
I told him that I hadn’t left it on all night, that I was following the rule he had already set. He requested I park on the back side of the hospital, below the hill, and see if the ‘complaints’ stop.
I told him I would consider that AFTER I just begin starting my truck up immediately at 6 AM and drive off immediately, to see if that would prevent anything. He replied ‘I just don’t want any more phone calls’, no ‘Let’s try this first.’
Tonight, he saw me parked where I thought would be better.
I parked in the employee’s parking, the back of my truck pointing down the hill, under the water tower. He, instead of calling me directly, made my partner the middleman and told me to move my truck or call him if I had a problem with it.
I had been reading through the city’s ordinance for exhaust systems and found nothing besides a rule stating ‘no noise can be made above 64db 25 feet from the source or same distance from the property line of the complaining party.’ I informed him of this via text and he called me.
Very angry, stated ‘I am your boss; therefore you will go with the options I gave you. We don’t follow city ordinances. Is that understood?’ I said ‘Yup, sure’ and hung up. Being the petty person I am, I contacted his boss via email and gave her the rundown of the situation, the steps we’ve taken, and the conversation we just had.
I informed her that the location he wants me to park in causes more echo off the hospital to more homes than it does where I park, anyway. There are no rules in the employee handbook regarding noise, only where employees are allowed to park.
AITJ since I went above his head and won’t follow a rule that doesn’t exist because it would cause more problems?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, First you should have gone to human resources, before going to the bigger boss. Going over his head, just made you a target.
You won’t be making that good for long. So, while you’re making good money, get your truck fixed.” jjwslot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Unless he is willing to fix your truck’s noise issues or buy you a new one, he can’t do anything. Someone is always going to complain about something and people who live that close to a hospital have to expect employees to start up their vehicles at all times of the day and night.
It’s just how it is. Huge fire trucks are loud, too. If there’s no law against the noise your vehicle is making, then your boss is wrong for siding with the complainant.
EDIT: I remember my EMT days, driving an ambulance all over, getting free food at the hospitals, and free ice cream/drinks at Baskin Robbins! I’m a nurse now but oh, if those ambulances could talk! LOL.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You have an unmuffled loud truck and work at a hospital. Your trashy vehicle is an unnecessary disruption. Patients need their rest. Surgeons and other healthcare professionals should be able to do their jobs without distraction.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your boss sounds like a petty little tyrant. Of course, being right doesn’t mean he isn’t going to make your life miserable going forward, so I would polish up that resume and start looking for a new job.” ICWhatsNUrP
Ur kind of a jerk, because this is not the hill to die on...like isnt it just easier to park where boss asked ya to and avoid all this drama and pettiness. You know ur truck is loud and its got someones curious in a twist...so just park where he said...risking ur job over it or just making a job u once loved...a miserable existence now that you escalated it...wasnt worth it.
Youre both acting like lil boys in a pissing contest.
14. AITJ For Not Attending Our Family Dinner?
“My (M21) uncle invited us – my dad, me, my brothers and mom – for dinner. This is special because he hasn’t done this for approximately 4 years. Like I haven’t seen my cousins in 4 years. I would sometimes see him but very few times.
He stopped inviting us because he allegedly fought a lot with his children and he kind of got shocked or something because of the way they treated him. He was always very overprotective so my guess is that they kind of got fed up and that’s how the problems got worse.
When I was younger we were pretty close. We are originally from another country in North Africa, but we all live in Europe. We don’t have a lot of family here.
We and especially me, I don’t mind the lack of relationship that we have.
I am kind of used to it. Now my dad blames my uncle for all the problems happening. Especially since he has stopped inviting and contacting us. We literally had nothing to do with his problems with his children.
Now he called my dad yesterday inviting us for Thursday evening.
He also called my older brother to tell him the same. I don’t want to go. For more than one reason. First, I have soccer practice at exactly the same time. I think it would be an extremely silly reason to skip it.
Secondly, it is just really awkward to see them and I always notice how fake everyone is. I just can’t do it. Fake laugh, say things I don’t mean. I am just really not in the mood. Lastly, I am extremely busy with school and my internship.
It just isn’t going very well in my like school life. I always have trouble keeping things separate. I can’t put my energy or head space in two separate things. So it is just really bad timing.
My dad is saying that this is the chance to heal the relationship in our family.
That it is important to have a good relationship with my cousins, which has been lacking for a long time. My dad says I should skip soccer practice and go. I am refusing. He says this is the only chance for us to heal the relationship to accept this invitation, which I don’t agree with.
Like he didn’t ask if I was available on Thursday. Maybe he should do that another time and ask again.
My dad says that if I won’t go then it is best that no one goes. And that he will become very upset with me.
Knowing him, he will start treating me like trash or won’t talk to me for a while. He says that I am being selfish and have to think about my siblings and my uncle and not only about myself.
I just feel like that if I don’t think about myself almost no one will.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to push back a little here because you’re traffic-jamming excuses on top of each other instead of addressing the real issue.
‘I am extremely busy with school and internship’; ‘I have soccer practice at exactly the same time.’ Your school and internship don’t have anything to do with a one-time dinner. It’s a direct schedule conflict with soccer practice, but since I assume you practice with the team more than once a week, the real issue is that You Don’t Want To Go To Dinner.
You just don’t want to couch it that way because it sounds selfish. And it is because mental health is often selfish out of necessity. There’s nothing wrong with it, but admit to it and understand that just like your dad’s choices impact you, your choices impact him.
We’re not closed circuits.
You are valid in your desire to not want to be with people who make you uncomfortable. Your dad is also valid for being frustrated that you seem to be prioritizing soccer practice over a possible chance at mending a rift in the family that’s been bothering him for years.
It’s not your responsibility to heal the rift. At the same time, you need to be aware that from his point of view, you’re prioritizing soccer over his efforts to repair the family shows a lack of empathy that’s frustrating for him.
Your absence is going to speak louder than his presence, so the effort is probably going to fail at launch, and now this has to fester longer. That sucks for him.
I’m going to say no jerks here. He wants to repair it; you don’t, and you’re not obligated to.
But don’t expect him to swallow the ‘I have soccer’ excuse. Just be frank with him. ‘I don’t want to mend this.’ That’ll allow him to move forward at his own pace instead of waiting for you to come around.” one_1f_by_land
Another User Comments:
“You’re an adult.
They don’t need you to tag along for a family reunion in order for this to be successful the rest of the family can go and make this happen. You have a lot of things going on that are important for your future.
If your dad decides to not go because you aren’t available then he’s using you as an excuse to not go to the reunion with your uncle’s family. NTJ.
The only thing I can see where he’s making this an all-or-nothing is if someone was dying and this is the only chance for this reunion.” PuzzleheadedTap4484
Another User Comments:
“Just message the cousin, tell them you already got plans at that time, and see if you can reschedule or meet at a different date or time.
And tell them the rest of the family is dumb by persuading people not to go unless you can make it. Chances are many of them haven’t heard from them in a while either. No reason to not go just because you can’t make it.” PizzaTacoCat312
13. AITJ For Telling My Partner I Know About His Secret TikTok Account?
“My partner (27m) of 3 years and I (21f) have had this argument before. I don’t like it when he is following a bunch of women who post barely clothed videos and photos of them showing off their bodies. It feels disrespectful.
When I spoke to him before, I had just asked him not to look at them around me. That he could look at them when I wasn’t around. He got really mad at me and claimed to delete all his social media accounts.
I didn’t think anything of it until I recently found out he had created a new secret TikTok account behind my back and was back to following over 1000+ women who post inappropriate content and hid it from me. And when I mentioned it, he got really upset and claimed that I was disrespectful and invading his privacy for going through his public TikTok account and looking at his following list.
I didn’t tell him I was mad at him or anything. I just told him that I was aware of him having the account. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Any time there’s deception involved, that’s not healthy. Only you can say what you’re comfortable with, but I feel like there’s a lack of respect here.
Is this something you want to deal with long-term? I’ve been married a long long time, and our general rule is that we don’t do anything that we wouldn’t do in the same room with each other. Basically, nothing we would feel the need to hide or lie about.” 3RescueRabbits
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He is acting guilty. It’s not like you phished his password and hacked his account. I would be more concerned over the fact it was so easy for him to flip this on you when he is the guilty one obviously.
Guilty of what… who knows… but this is not how innocent people behave. Turning the tables when you are guilty is a big characteristic of abusers! Red flag alert!” MaeChee
Another User Comments:
“Eh, the wording of this is sorta tricky. I’ll start by saying his behavior is ridiculous and you can do better; you’re NTJ for acting the way you did… it is not an invasion of privacy if you found it that easily.
But you did tell him he could do it in private? So in a sort of messed up the way he’s doing what you said he could. But he shouldn’t have put you in that position, to begin with.” milkbread_1
12. AITJ For Telling My Mom I Might Not Invite Her To My Graduation?
“Throughout my life, my mom was a single parent watching me and my sister. She was there physically to feed us, pay the bills, and send us to school. However, she was never there emotionally. I never said much about it growing up because I didn’t want to come off as ungrateful.
Plus whenever I would tell her if she emotionally hurt me, she would say that I was selfish for thinking that because she was the only family member who was physically there for me.
When I attended college, I decided to start therapy.
I learned that my mom can be an emotionally unavailable parent and that I have to be careful with what I share with her. As I progressed through college, I noticed my therapists may be right as she would insult me anytime I wanted emotional support but not physical support (I.E.
calling my doctors to confirm a medical diagnosis or contacting my professors after dealing with an issue).
I am now a graduating senior and I had originally made the decision to not walk the stage. My college is only giving 4 guest tickets away per graduate and at the time I didn’t have the budget to pay for a cap and gown.
I decided I wanted to celebrate a different way and have a family get-together instead. I’m not close with my cousins or dad so I figured having this as the event is a better graduation gift instead of walking the stage.
However, when I informed my mom of this, she said I was being selfish, and inconsiderate of her feelings, and said she wouldn’t go (even though it would’ve been held on the same day as my graduation). She proceeded to bring up past experiences of how she helped me in college (I.E.
Picking me up from my dorm during the health crisis, and even driving 4 hours to visit me when I was dealing with a really hard time) and used it to fuel her argument as to how me not walking the stage is hurting her.
I proceeded to tell her that it hurt me that she said that and apologized for how I made her feel. I asked for an apology back and she refused by calling me selfish for asking for one. A few weeks ago, I decided to walk the stage for graduation in her honor.
However, I also decided to tell her that I’m not comfortable with how our relationship is and how this is a lot bigger than just graduation. She proceeded to yell at me and then hang up in my face when I said that I would like to go to therapy to fix our relationship.
I added that if she didn’t want to fix our relationship that I didn’t want her to come to my graduation. Am I the jerk?
Edit: I want to mention that after I talked to her about not wanting to walk the stage, she called me about a week later saying that I am hurting her for not walking the stage because she battled cancer with the hopes to see me graduate.
That’s what warranted me to change my decision to walk the stage for her.”
Another User Comments:
“Oh man, that was a ride. Aw, OP. NTJ.
You really do seem to have done everything you can to communicate with her in a respectful way that also pays attention to your own needs and mental health.
You acknowledge her sacrifices for you but also don’t give credit where it’s not due. She was there for you financially and had nothing left in her tank to give to you emotionally. You went to therapy to confront your issues over it, you tried to make a sensible choice for graduation that’d be fun for everyone, only to have it backfire because she refused to engage with you in good faith.
I think one of the toughest pills for a parent (especially a single parent) to swallow is that they Just Weren’t Enough, even if acknowledging it will help improve the relationship with their child going forward. That’s a character flaw of your mother’s that she’ll have to overcome on her own terms.
You’re questioning this choice because you’re a good person who loves your mother, but I think you’re long past due to put your own needs first. It’s time your mom puts in the emotional work she owed you growing up. If she can’t get over her own hangups long enough to do that, then she doesn’t deserve to be part of your special moment on that stage.
She needs to make the choice now which is more important to her: you, or her pride.
I hope she chooses you. You sound like you’re worth it.” one_1f_by_land
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve dealt with an emotionally constipated parent. I’ve learned that if they can’t be happy for you, they can’t be happy with you.
If they want to miss the big moments, that’s on them not showing up. (My father drove past the hospital with his SO after my ex-wife had our first child.) I totally get that you want her there, but if she can’t get over not having any emotions for you, then let her miss the big moments, she’ll regret it.
Not you.” jenius_7608
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Nothing wrong with what you’ve done as far as I can see. Your mother doesn’t want family therapy and isn’t going to change any time soon. So unless you want the toxicity, she’s not going to feature much in your life, unfortunately.” Coffeeandcrimeglobal
11. WIBTJ If I Ask My Brother To Stop Playing At Night?
“I (19) started attending college this year and now I have a 1-hour commute for my morning classes. My brother (19) is also in college but all his classes are online. Also, he has sleep difficulties, that’s why he prefers to stay awake most of the night and sleep in the noon.
I also have some minor sleep difficulties but I can usually manage them better.
We share our room and we both have our own pc in there. He usually plays games with his friends on discord (voice chat) until very late at night while I try to sleep.
I can hear his mouse, keyboard, his chuckles, comments, etc. and it makes it much harder for me to fall asleep or study. We talked about this and he tries to make as little noise as possible, but I’m practically next to him.
It is not enough to be honest.
If I want to study I can go to another room but I can’t sleep somewhere else. I bought earplugs to reduce the noise but it’s not very effective, and it feels too uncomfortable to use them all night.
The easiest solution would be to ask him to stop playing with his friends while I try to sleep because he can do that any other time, but I think it would be a jerk move to ask him to stop having fun and enjoying with his friends.
I don’t want to be sleep deprived while studying but I don’t want to be a killjoy for my brother. Would I be the jerk if I ask my brother to stop playing video games with his friends while I try to sleep?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Frankly, in my opinion, regardless of whether or not there’s somewhere else for the computer to go, sometimes we, as adults, have to accept that other people’s needs matter, especially if you’re sharing a space with them. You need sleep, you sleep when sleep happens…
it’s not your fault his sleep schedule is wonky. It might not totally be his either, but sometimes things aren’t fair.
Personally, there’s not a chance I could get a healthy sleep with someone on a computer in my bedroom, and I’d very quickly become a resentful, irritable little goblin.” riding-the-wind
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I don’t know if it is possible but could be beneficial for both your sleeping time and his wanting to game. Moving at least his PC somewhere else out of your room would fix the problem. I’m guessing you guys don’t have another room to move it to since you are sharing a room, but if you moved it to a corner of the living room or dining room or basement or somewhere he could game all night and not bother you.
If he is worried about people bothering him, he is up late anyways so no one should be up to bother him, and if he is worried about someone messing with his set up he could build some sort of enclosure so no one can break the pc and it would keep it out of sight.
If that can’t be done what I did for my situation (just living in a loud house with a bunch of guys) is I got some bose noise canceling headphones, which are expensive but work incredibly well.
Just some options if those help at all! Thanks.” justforrandomcomment
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If he has sleep difficulties, he should at least be able to respect someone else’s sleep.
My partner has insomnia. I don’t get mad at him for staying up all night and not coming to bed when I do. And he keeps it down when I go to bed even though I don’t have sleep issues.
We respect each other’s sleep habits and abilities. This is what your brother needs to learn to do.” SYRLEY
10. AITJ For Wanting Different Nicknames For My Kids?
“My in-laws had my partner quite young. They think of themselves as too young to be grandparents, and my MIL’s mom is still around and still ‘Grandma.’ When our generation started having kids, my in-laws had a minor identity crisis and decided their grandparent names would be the pet names they use for each other.
I won’t disclose the actual names, but a pretty close approximation would be ‘Ratsy’ and ‘Moist.’ They want us, and our kids, to call them Ratsy and Moist. They sign cards ‘Xoxo, Ratsy & Moist.’ The intimate names they use for each other, are RATSY and MOIST.
Readers, I can’t. My oldest is in kindergarten and I’ve never used the names. My spouse has never, not even once, used these names. My BIL and his wife have kids of similar ages and also do not use these names.
They sort of use ‘Meemaw’ for MIL but even that fluctuates and I don’t even know what they call FIL.
How did we let this go so long? We lived states away when our first was born and the crisis hit just after we moved back home.
We had a newborn and they were hesitant when it came to getting ‘the jab’ so we’ve only just started to see them in person with our kids. My own parents live very close to us and got immunized right away (and they had a lot more flexibility to visit us frequently when we lived far away.
We were not able to visit home often, and in-laws were not able to visit us as much as we all would have liked) so my folks’ grandparent names are locked in. I usually refer to my in-laws as (spouse’s) mommy and daddy or just ‘Grandpa’ for FIL (which is not what we call my dad, and FIL doesn’t care as much as MIL) and my oldest has started calling MIL ‘other grandma’ which is less than ideal.
I want them to have special names, they deserve special names! They are kind, generous, loving, and wonderful people. I should just call them Ratsy and Moist, but I cannot. All my ideals about respecting what people want to be called went right out the window with Ratsy and Moist.
If we tried to have a conversation with them about why we don’t want to use their pet names, they would most likely deflect, and it would be unproductive. MIL in particular doesn’t want to be called anything that sounds ‘old’ but there’s a lot of ground to cover between Ratsy and ‘other grandma’ that we haven’t explored.
I also hoped, fervently, that my oldest child would just come up with something and start using it at some point, or the cousins, but Meemaw hasn’t even really stuck with them and it’s obvious MIL isn’t a fan. My spouse named all the grandparents as a kid based on what they could pronounce, that seemed like a nice tradition, but these kids have all let us down.
AITJ for not embracing Ratsy and Moist? Should I be coaching my toddler to call them something cute-but-not-old and pretend like it was tot’s idea all along? That’s a healthy way to use my baby, right?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s childish for them to want grandkids to use their pet names.
Very disturbing actually. Their own terms of endearment should stay private. My kids called my mom Nana it’s nice but just look up what grandparents are called in your culture or race. Then use that. Let them know if your kids were at school saying we stayed with Ratsy and Moist for the weekend.
Then that would raise red flags big time and have possible involvements you do not need. It’s time for them to grow up and own having a child at a young age, therefore, becoming grandparents at an equally young age.” Glittering_Ad6659
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
My mom also felt too young to be a grandparent and didn’t want my language version of ‘grandma’ used on her. She did find a really old, lost word for a grandparent that we’re all using. Occasionally we do need to explain it to new people but it’s a small price to pay for her to be happy.
I’m not sure what kind of ‘intimate’ names these are, like naughty talk names. Just names they use of each other all time?
I’d absolutely not call them ‘grandpa’ and ‘grandma.’ I’d bring it up with them and point out situations where calling their grandparent ‘Moist’ would end up putting the child in an awkward position.
Maybe you could research some older words for grandparents or even from other languages? I don’t blame you for not wanting to call them Ratsy and Moist though, that’s pretty cringe, lol. Maybe you could all figure out like an anagram from grandpa/ma or (and leave out some letters if need be) or something.
And yes, this is 100% the right way to use your baby!” Elelith
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and stop stressing. Keep referring to them as grandmother and grandfather or grandma and grandpa and that’s what the kids will call them. They’ll also pick up on whatever they hear the other grandkids call them.
Just don’t let them babysit before the names are solidified & afterward don’t let them babysit often or else they’ll drill Ratsy & Moist into the kids.
Btw when my nephew (the oldest grandchild) was young, he used to call his grandmother ‘mom.’ Because that’s what everyone else in his life called her.
I tried to convince him that she was my mom, & his grandma. Then he started calling her ‘my mom.’ That title stuck & led to some of the most nonsensical arguments until my kid came along & he started on the ‘my mom’ nonsense. I think daycare introduced the concept of grandparents (my nephew never went to daycare, but my kid did) then I had reinforcements. Now ‘my mom’ is a title that’s been appropriately buried, it just took 6 yrs.” rtgd_mmm
9. AITJ For Declining A Request To Come To Work?
“I’ve been going to school since January, and I let it be known the two days I can’t work are Wednesday and Thursday. I could work any other day but I didn’t really want to work Tuesday nights. With all this said and done I would mark my days off on the calendar for the days I needed to go to school.
Now here is where stuff comes in. I am in trouble at work cause whenever I had planned on the days off I was given I’d decline to come in because I had plans I made when I found out my schedule.
Now I had the days (entirely available Friday-Monday) to be placed on the schedule. Entire availability and ready to be put on. But I wasn’t. I got told when I was being driven home that my boss is mad at me for wanting more hours but never being available to come in when called, cause I always have plans on my days off.
So I want to know, am I the jerk for declining a request to come into work when I had already made plans for that day/night and not wanting to cancel them last minute (which made my boss mad at me and now he’s reluctant to give me hours any more hours)?
(For those who are wondering, the main day I got called in on was a day I was going to call my partner, we do videos sometimes during the week and this day so happened to fall onto the night we called, which is why I declined)
Edit: I also let it be known that if I needed to work on my days off of school, I would not be available until after 6 but I could come in and do the hours.
If I was needed those days all I’d have to do is come in around 6-6:30 and I could stay until closing (12-1).”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, Honestly… you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Weird saying. But true.
You only want to work when it benefits you. The boss is seeing it and is providing the work and hours to other employees who are more beneficial to the company. You can be upset. Your feelings are valid and I don’t like calling people jerks for feeling a certain way.
So you’re not a jerk, but neither is your boss.” TragedyRose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… unless I’m missing something your boss is refusing to give you more hours because you won’t come in on the days that you have clearly said you were unavailable? If you’ve given your availability, then that’s when you’re available.
If you’re asking for more hours, I assume you’ve adjusted your availability?
Punishing you for not working when you’re not scheduled and have made it clear you were not available isn’t ok. If they can’t give you more hours because they’re fully staffed and don’t need you to work more hours, then that’s part of life and no one’s fault.” PNWPainter02
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your off time is yours. You’re boss probably feels it’s better to schedule someone available at short notice. Unfortunately, not everyone can do that.
You may have to find a new job. If you’re no longer being put on the schedule, it’ll take a manager change or a serious talk with the manager to see change. I’ve never known such a talk to work.” rtgd_mmm
8. AITJ For Being A Fan Of Scented Candles?
“I love scented candles because I rent a room in a basement and sometimes it can smell kinda musty down here. I’ve always bought and used the 3 wick Bath and Body Works candles since I moved into this place in 2020.
It’s never been an issue before. I bought some fruity scented ones back in December and the guy who lives the floor above me started leaving notes on the front door of the house for everyone to see saying various things – that the smell ruins food, it’s making him sick, close the vents, blah blah.
There have been quite a few notes, maybe 5 or 6 since December. I finished the fruity candles and decided to not buy those scents anymore, so I tried different scented ones this time. He left another rude note today on my apartment door (more directly targeted to me) and he’s getting more and more aggressive.
I closed the vents months ago and my small basement window is always open a crack. I am always responsible with the candles, never leave them unattended, and blow them out after an hour or two, etc. We live in a house, and as far as I know, there are no rules against lighting candles/incense inside.
Only no smoking inside, which I don’t do. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re both trying to live your lives within the confines of apartments located within a house. That’s always tricky since they’re usually not renovated to keep out sounds or smells, or anything else we don’t want to share with our neighbors.
While you may both seem like jerks to each other, it’s more a failing of the housing situation itself, unfortunately.” Phaethuuusa
Another User Comments:
“Light YTJ…
I am one of those people who can’t stand smells. The idea of living above you or spending 30 seconds in a Bath & Body Works makes me nauseous.
For the record, some scents are MUCH more tolerable. The fruity ones are God-awful, headache inducers. Florals are somewhere in the middle. Clean, natural smells like ‘Fresh Linen’ or pine are actually much easier for me… maybe switch up your smells?
Also, I’ve grown to love Lysol thru thee crisis…
a nice, clean smell (and destroys germs… allegedly).
Most apartments forbid candle burning (I know, I know) because they are fire hazards. It certainly can’t be so bad that you need 24 hours of the candle and not 30 minutes of the candle.
If so, I’d take that up with your low libido.” Away_Refuse8493
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There may be no rule against your candles, but courtesy is important in apartments or other shared spaces.
If your neighbor says the candles are making him sick, he likely has some kind of scent/chemical sensitivity.
And I can tell you from experience, those really, really suck. Every time I get in an elevator, rideshare, or go to a seated event, it’s pretty much a crap shoot about whether I’ll be sick for the rest of the day.
Having daily exposure to scents inside my home would be a total nightmare.
Here’s the thing about those sensitivities: they get worse with exposure. So your candle habit could be both making him uncomfortable at the moment and harming his long-term health.
It’s entirely possible that your candles didn’t bother him at first but being around them this long has made him react to the scent.
Someone with a health condition shouldn’t have to pay to break their lease and move (especially in this mess of a housing market) just so you can pump fake chemical smells into your air. And breathing perfume every day may not be great for you either, even if it doesn’t make you feel bad.” karavasa
Have a conversation with each other for goodness sake! There are potentially scents that bother him less but you won't ever know if you don't ASK.
7. AITJ For Keeping My Neighbor Out Of The Building?
“In my apartment building, the barrier door requires a key to be unlocked to get inside, or you can be buzzed in by someone on the inside after pressing the corresponding button.
Last night, around 11 pm, I was in the middle of a raid in WoW, and my buzzer buzzed.
Weird, I wasn’t expecting anyone at this hour. I ignored it a few times, and after the third time I opened my window and I said ‘Hey I don’t know who you are but please stop buzzing my buzzer’.
The person said, ‘I’m Carla your neighbor, I don’t have my keys and my baby’s in my car, I need to get into my apartment can you just buzz me in?’
I’ve never spoken to this person in my life and honestly didn’t even get a good visual of them before I closed my window without saying anything more.
They gave me a ‘Wow you’re a witch’ but my window was closed and I was already back in my WoW raid.
I heard someone come into the building eventually, but only after having my buzzer buzzed like crazy for like 30 seconds straight right before they came in.
I guess as… payback? LOL.
I really wasn’t thinking about it but I was walking into my building today (that I unlocked with 1 of 2 keys that I was given at move-in), and I got to thinking. It would’ve been pretty simple to have just pressed the buzzer and let them in and avoid this hostile buzzery.
But I had no idea who they were as I’ve never met my neighbors, to begin with. And I couldn’t even see who I would’ve been buzzing in. And also WoW.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Security officer here. Locks exist for a reason.
You should never unlock one for someone you don’t even know. Even someone you’d seen around the building before could have been evicted and looking for something to steal, or they got dumped by their abused partner and are trying to get in to hurt them or mess up their apartment or kidnap their kid.
There have got to be resources for people that are locked out other than the other tenants.” YankeeWalrus
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not knowing your neighbor and neglecting someone in need. Sure it could have been a modus but putting WoW over a woman who locked their baby in a car is pretty low in my opinion.” armyofant
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People fitting this demographic use it to manipulate people into thinking they are trusting but end up being accomplices or instigators. Protect yourself and don’t believe anyone no matter how innocent or unthreatening they seem.” MermaidOutOfWater15
6. AITJ For Being Annoyed At My Roommate's Constant Crying?
“I understand that everyone copes in different ways and I’ve always chosen to handle my emotions privately/personally. I’ve been going through A LOT with my mental health lately, working many hours, going to school full time for engineering, and owning a working k9.
With all of this going on, I’ve been very busy and generally emotionally unavailable.
My roommate on the other hand cries every single day multiple times a day. I know people go through things but she cries over EVERYTHING. EVERY. THING. She talks about how it’s her anxiety (which I get – I have crippling anxiety and have multiple medications for it), but she does not have any coping skills.
I feel like all she does is cry about every single problem but she never tries to fix them/ improve her situation. She has all online classes, she’s dropping out, and she doesn’t work more than 25-30 hours a week. She also does not clean up her messes around the house and then will cry when I ask her to clean them up, saying she’s overwhelmed and that she’s going to have an ‘episode.’
Her partner just blows her off when she cries because she does it so often so now it all gets dumped on me.
It’s extremely emotionally draining for me and I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve just started ignoring her crying instead of comforting her or just straight up leaving the house without another word. She gets upset with me that I don’t ask what’s wrong or try to comfort her.
I’m just over it.
AITJ for being annoyed by my roommate’s emotions and ignoring her issues?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re her roommate, not her therapist. And it really sounds like she needs a therapist. You’re an engineering student, not a licensed professional or somebody who can really effectively talk about emotional regulation and how to attain those coping skills.
It sounds like she’s miserable and overwhelmed and really needs someone to talk to professionally.
If you want to help her, the best thing to do might be to help her make a plan to get into therapy. If she’s only working part-time, she probably qualifies financially for sliding scale payment.
Anxiety coping skills CAN be learned!” kaijutegu
Another User Comments:
“No. You are NTJ. You can’t be expected to be someone’s life preserver when you’re barely keeping afloat. She needs more help than you can give her. She needs some serious therapy. For now, you need to protect yourself and if that means cutting her off except for basic pleasantries then you need to do that.
It’s ok to put yourself and your mental health first. You don’t have the reserves to give her any emotional energy. Remember in an airplane, you put on your oxygen mask first before helping others. The same goes for this situation.
I hope it gets better for you or you can find a different living arrangement.” PuzzleheadedTap4484
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As others have said you’re not her therapist, and her mental health isn’t your duty especially if it starts impacting yours.
That being said, with regards to the idea that she needs therapy it can be hard, especially in this global climate.
I understand that you’re emotionally unavailable and you are NTJ for feeling annoyed but there is also nothing you can necessarily do save being kinder and trying to help or leave the situation. Maybe sit down with her and have a frank discussion? If it goes badly then at least you know you’re not compatible roommates.” Merimias
5. AITJ For Taking My Friend's Car's License Plate Off?
“About 3 months ago, I sold my friend a car under the impression that he had his license (he did not). Well a few weeks later, he got pulled over for not having his license and other sorts of irresponsibility, and the car got impounded so I had to go get it.
3 months later and he still doesn’t have his license and the car is still in my name. Now, I’ve dropped it from my insurance so he’s driving around with no insurance (illegal in my state). He asked if I would leave the plate on until he could go get his license but he’s since been able to but spends his moolah on substances and other stuff instead of getting his license and tagging the car.
I feel like if I don’t take the plate, he’ll never get it done and if something serious does happen in that car it could fall back on me cuz it’s still in my name. So AITJ if I take my plate off?”
Another User Comments:
“I think in some states allowing an unlicensed person to drive your car is a misdemeanor.
At the very least you could be subject to a massive fee, plus whatever damages in the event of an accident. By allowing him to continue to drive while the car is still in your name (not to mention, uninsured), you’re potentially subjecting both of you to huge issues.
It might sound extreme to say ‘call the cops’ or whoever on him if he continues to drive this way, but maybe even bringing that up to him will make him think twice about putting you both at risk. NTJ but removing the plate isn’t going to do a whole lot.” whiterice2323
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, take it off.
You will be on the hook for a lot of things potentially, legal, potentially toll charges, among other things. I would check but, in my state they want you to report selling the car on their website for this eventuality.” User
Another User Comments:
“Why didn’t you just give him his moolah back and keep the car? Why did you let him have the keys back? Did you report to the DMV that you had sold the car? If you don’t do something quick, you are gonna be help label if he does something even more stupid in that car.
I don’t know what the laws in your state are regarding the tags, because in the states I’ve lived in, the tags stay on the car, but you need to report the sale to the DMV and ask them what to do about the tags. You need to get distance from that car unless you take the car back. So NTJ.” Sufficient-Lynx-2339
4. AITJ For Saying My Friend Is Childish?
“My friend, let’s call her Nikki, developed a huge crush on a neighbor (Let’s call him Jake) about five years ago (when we were seventeen). She never asked him out despite us urging her because she thought he wouldn’t date her (he was 19 at the time).
In the meantime, she met a guy in school and started going out with him. They’ve been going out for almost a year now.
One week ago, Jake, who volunteers at a local book club with me, asked me out. I never had a crush on him, but he is really sweet and attractive, so I said yes.
When I told Nikki, she got upset and said that I shouldn’t be going out with someone she had a crush on.
I was surprised and told her that the crush was ages ago and she was seeing someone else now. Nikki said that that didn’t matter, and I had broken her trust by going out with someone she previously liked a lot.
I really assumed she was taking the mickey, so I laughed a bit, but she was dead serious. I called her childish for holding on to something that happened years ago. She disconnected the call after this.
I laughingly told my best friend what had happened, and she said that she sees Nikki’s side, and I should have too.
I should have been more tactful and not called her childish. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She broke your trust. You thought she was your friend. She’s really more of an ‘exchange Christmas cards’ kind of acquaintance.
A part of moving on is letting go.
A part of being a grown-up is being happy for your friends. If she never did anything to let the guy know she was interested, then she might as well have had a crush on Brad Pitt, or, you know, some famous young guy.
She was just as likely to get together with them as the neighbor guy.” VlaxDrek
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! So she still has feelings for Jake while going out with (misleading) another guy? Seems like a jerk to me. Also if she cares so much about Jake maybe keep his wants and feelings (that he has for you) in mind as well? She really wants to put her own happiness above that of 3 other people, there is no questioning who’s the real jerk here.” AllYoursBab00shka
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, a crush is just that, nothing else.
If she had actually dated him, then it may have been a jerk move, but that is not the case. People have a lot of crushes, trying to stop a friend from seeing anyone you’ve had a crush on is a joke.” Deucalion666
3. AITJ For Hanging Up On My Best Friend?
“My best friend of 11 years has been going through a lot. We have always been through everything together. These past few months though she has been through more than me so has needed a lot of rant sessions and things of that nature.
I am happy to help. I even have gone as far as to put an argument we have been having on pause so she could have a rant session. We were supposed to hang out on Monday. She planned it all.
I show up. She does not. This hasn’t been the only time this has happened.
I messaged her to check up on her and it takes her 5 days, Saturday, for her to answer. Saying how she went through something and ‘didn’t feel like answering to anybody.’ I told her that she could’ve at least warned me that she was gonna be a no-show, so I wouldn’t have waited all night.
She shifted the blame and said that I’d done it to her before and to ‘not be a hypocrite’. I have never not made it to prior plans without giving her as much as a warning. I always warned her. I got aggravated and said ‘see you in a week’ because that’s usually how long it would take for her to answer me.
Tonight, I needed a rant session, I needed someone to talk to. She was the only person I could think of. I was answered with a sarcastic remark. ‘It isn’t a week yet.’ I said ‘screw you, I’ll just figure it out myself like I’ve been doing for the past 2 months.’
I was mad, stressed, and still am mad and stressed.
She calls me and asks what’s wrong I start to explain to her what happened. She tells me that she can’t help me with things if I don’t tell her. I try to explain to her that she has the knack for turning things around whenever someone is explaining something that’s wrong with them.
She will shift the focus to herself instead of acknowledging what the other person just said. Her response to that? ‘Fine, I’ll just not tell you what’s wrong with me anymore. If that’s such a problem.’ That’s not what I meant.
After some silence, she asks me if that was all that was wrong or if I had something else to get off my chest. I said not really. She then asks me about the stressful situation I’m in. I’m starting to feel better.
Feel heard. She then asks again if that’s the only thing that’s wrong with me or if I have anything else to get off my chest. I said no and ask her if she does. She says ‘I have a bunch but apparently I’m always making it about myself so I’m putting all of that to the side.’ In this sarcastic voice.
I hung up. She called me twice after that but I didn’t wanna hear it. It was uncalled for. The smart comment. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Some friendships are hard to maintain. You both need space from each other or a good whisper argument to get everything off of both of your chests.
Tell her you both need space, it’s not healthy to be vindictive or petty when being vulnerable. I cut friendships off quickly no matter the amount of time knowing someone. My vulnerability with my mental health is important and if one of my supports starts crumbling I knock it down myself. This doesn’t work for everyone so give time to each other?” MoneyJones54
2. AITJ For Trying To Use My PTSD As An Excuse?
“I also have been diagnosed with PTSD and severe separation anxiety due to an abusive childhood. Part of PTSD is that your limbic system is overactive, or as I like to say, your emotions get dialed up to 11. I’ve worked a lot on developing coping skills for emotional regulation, but it’s a work in progress.
The issue is that when I falter, I turn into this reactive monster who lashes out at anyone near me.
I wrote my friend apologizing for how I acted, and as part of my apology, I explained my mental state at the time.
I also explicitly stated that my PTSD is no excuse for how I behaved but that it is the reason why I behaved the way I did.
He said that he didn’t want to hear about the medical circumstances I was experiencing and that bringing them up was manipulative.
I know that some people use their medical disorders as excuses to get away with things, but I don’t think that’s what I was doing. I explained the background of my actions because I knew I didn’t behave rationally, but I still accepted culpability for what I’d done.
My friend also already knew I had PTSD and I had had a lengthy discussion on my symptoms and triggers when we made the transition from acquaintances to friends. I feel it’s important to give people a warning so they can make an informed choice about continuing a friendship with me before investing too much emotionally.
I told him that what he said wasn’t right, but now I’m wondering if I should apologize. I’d never been called manipulative before, so this whole thing is really throwing me for a loop. This is also the first fight we’ve had in the three years we’ve known each other.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ from someone else with pretty severe PTSD (medicated), and you did make excuses.
Your lack of mental health is not his problem. It is yours. An apology is: ‘I am sorry I did ‘c’. It was wrong of me and I hope you can forgive me.’ Period. Anything else is not a true apology but an attempt to deflect and make yourself feel better.
I accidentally blew up a 17-year friendship by way of overreacting to something. I had the added excuse of also having major menopause crazy hormones added in. My apology to her was: ‘I am sorry. I acted like a jerk (because I did).
I’m sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me.’ And then I shut up. She chose not to forgive. As was her prerogative. It sucks but in the end we both made choices.
You made a choice to react the way you did.
If you are truly unable to control your actions, you need much more help than what the internet can supply. He is not responsible for your mental health, nor is he required to forgive you. If you value his friendship give him an honest apology taking full responsibility for your words/actions.
Why you did them is immaterial to the apology. If he chooses not to forgive, then you know better next time.” Momofthewild-3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even though the person knew you had PTSD before, they probably didn‘t know that PTSD comes with symptoms like hyperarousal and emotional outbreaks, so it makes sense to explain how your PTSD played into the situation.
Of course, a diagnosis should never be used as an excuse or as a way to get out of taking responsibility. But it can be helpful for the person who was hurt to know why you acted the way you did.
When someone treats me badly, I tend to wonder, ‘Don‘t they care about my feelings at all? Do I just not matter to them?’ so if I have an explanation for their behavior, I feel less bad about their behavior, our relationship, and myself.
As you said: It‘s an explanation, not an excuse. And whilst yes, as an excuse, bringing up your PTSD would be very manipulative, as an explanation, it can help to deepen understanding between the two of you. It‘s a way for them to understand that your behavior had nothing to do with the way you see and value them.
I see where you were going with explaining that PTSD affects your behavior, and I think it was a good and sensible idea, even if it did not work out.” foodandrevolutions
Another User Comments:
“A soft YTJ here, because if you harm somebody, your mental state at the time generally doesn’t make them less harmed, nor does it make them feel better.
This is a hard lesson to learn, but when you harm someone, the best thing to do is simply say, ‘My actions were wrong, and I’m sorry. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to make it right’.” Eastern_Fox5735
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re absolutely right when you say ‘it’s not an excuse but it is a reason why’.
This is an important part of your own growth and well-being to be able to have a safe space in your relationships to acknowledge this and discuss this in times of conflict/relapse in coping mechanisms. It’s also important for the people supporting you to understand that there will always be times when you have a momentary relapse in coping mechanisms.
This happening is not a reflection of you as a person, your strength or capability, or your character, but rather just simply the difficulty of controlling mental health in general.
It does not make you a jerk as a person to have slipped.
You’re only the jerk if you don’t take accountability for those slips. Mental health is not our fault but it is our responsibility. And by what you’ve provided, you took responsibility and you used your mental health to provide reason and context, not excuses; Which is what you should be doing to help those around you understand how your brain and body function.
How can they accommodate you and how can you learn what they’re capable of accommodating if you never discuss it deeper than the surface?
If the people in your life don’t afford you the patience, empathy, and leniency to work through these things…
And they don’t have the ability to acknowledge that those trauma responses are not you, that the person taking accountability and trying to fix it is you… And in fairness people are allowed to choose that it’s too hard for them to manage (again not a reflection of you or your worth) but if that’s the case, then they aren’t the support system you need or deserve.
Again NTJ.” Sounds_Gay_Im_In_93
1. AITJ For Asking My Sister To Pay For My Food That She Ate?
“I ordered a chicken salad on Saturday while hanging out at my dad’s house. My sister lives with my dad, but I live alone. We went out drinking that night, so I decided to keep my dinner in the fridge and save it for when I come back from the gym another time.
I ate something with more carbohydrates instead so I could drink without a hangover.
Tuesday night rolls around, I leave the gym. Tonight is the 3rd night of the dinner in the fridge, and I know I gotta grab it before it goes bad.
Walk in to see my sister in the middle of eating it. I’m upset she didn’t call me at least to ask. And her excuses bugged me.
‘It’s going bad, you didn’t pick it up for 5-6 days, so what if I ate it, you forgot it in the fridge and I wanted it? You never told me you were coming to get it.’
And that really upset me because she just sucks at excuses.
I explain to her the following: You’re eating it. It clearly didn’t go bad yet. It’s been 3 days, not 5-6. I obviously didn’t forget about it if I’m standing here asking for it. Do I need to call ahead to ask you not to take my things ahead of time?
At this point, I got my sister calling up my family crying that she is allowed to eat it because yada yada.
I’m just so done with it. No apologies, no admitting fault, just nothing. My family is telling me I better not ask my sister to pay for the dinner she ate. I’m just gobsmacked right now. At the least, I just want her to buy me it…
I wasn’t able to eat dinner tonight.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I hate when people eat my food too but you’re being petty and unreasonable. She shouldn’t have eaten it without your permission but her reasons are somewhat sensible. Your reaction is not. It’s literally a salad; it was absolutely on its way to being tossed and you’re seriously trying to make your sister pay you over it? Pick your battles, man.
Also, quit arguing with judgments that disagree with you just because you don’t like the reasons. You can give more context or move on; that is how this forum works. YTJ.” milkbread_1
Another User Comments:
“Yes YTJ. You live alone and you left your food there in HER house and you made her feel bad about eating it? This is just petty and you don’t sound like you’re ready to live on your own.
She is right, you should have made it clear that you wanted it still and asked both her and your dad not to eat it. Would you be this upset if your dad was the one eating it? I highly doubt it.
Leave your poor sister alone.” MermaidOutOfWater15
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You threw yourself under the bus. She said it was going bad so she ate it. Ok, she got the days wrong, who cares. The biggest absolute reason you’re the jerk is for not telling her you were coming to get it. What was she supposed to guess? Another day, that salad would absolutely be trash. Try communicating, it’ll help you become less butthurt in life.” Superduppppy
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