IndiaBlu
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Many relationships fail when finances become an issue. If this woman is expecting her bf to pay for her without a serious sit down conversation first, where they both agree to it, then she can't expect him to be okay with it. It's not about him loving her enough or him providing for her. They aren't married. There was no agreement, only an expectation that he will be okay with it. He isn't being unreasonable in asking for a contract, same as a bank would do when loaning money. He is simply protecting himself for now and in the future.
Honestly OP needs to consider why her brother suddenly changed and ultimately left. There is a possibility that he found out the baby isn't his and now he wants nothing to do with them. Either way OP is NTA because raising that baby is not her responsibility. And the mother should not be demanding someone quit their job to help care for her child.
NTJ
Your wife was/is going through a difficult time. You made an admirable effort to help her and still care for your baby. Being able to trust someone with not only your sanity but also with your precious child is a wonderful thing. You put your child ahead of your own exhaustion and emotions while still doing what you could with your wife. But I think people forget that you can't force someone to get help. We don't know if you went to family for advice or help with your wife and we can only hope that you did.
As for your comment to your wife, it hurt her deeply but maybe she needed to hear it. While harsh it was true. Your friend essentially helped raise your child and he sees that friend as a parent. Whether you intended that or not your son has another person in his life that he can trust and rely on. That's huge! And while it would be nice for your wife to be involved more at least he has the support in his young life to thrive.
Wow to all the people jumping on you. I can totally understand how it would suck to come home to a messy house, your spouse wanting people to come over, but you wanting it clean first. There is nothing wrong with wanting to present a clean house to guests. At 5 years old the one child is definitely old enough to know or be learning how to clean up after themselves and put things away. Make a game of it, have fun while doing it, do it in small steps. Either way the wife and oldest child could have made an effort to clean up a little. I get that having a sick child sucks and can be draining. As a parent it's a lot of work to raise multiple children. The wife could have mentioned the friends coming over and then made plans to clean first. That way OP could have been more open to it. But the way the wife presented the idea, ignoring the messes and then got mad at OP for suggesting the house be cleaned was ridiculous.
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