People Question "Am I The Jerk?" In These Debatable Situations
17. AITJ For Telling My Postpartum Wife To Stop Having An Attitude Around My Mom?
Boundaries need to be respected.
“My wife and I had our baby boy 5 weeks ago. Everything’s going fine, no health problems or complications whatsoever. However, my wife is often exhausted, so I let my mom come over to help out with cleaning and stuff (I barely have time to work) and also, at the same time, spend time with the baby and bond with him a little bit.
The thing is, my wife acts strange whenever she sees my mom with our son. She’d make a face and talk to her in a descending tone, even raising her voice at her causing mom to feel hurt.
I asked my wife about it, and she said it was because of what my mom is doing. I asked her to elaborate, and she complained about mom holding the baby for too long and taking forever to give him back to her.
My mom argued that my wife could ask nicely instead of outright yelling, but my wife defended herself saying that she only starts raising her voice after she’s already asked a couple of times, and my mom won’t listen.
They started arguing, and Mom started crying. That’s when I felt enraged, pulled my wife aside, and told her to stop acting out and that if she keeps this up, then we won’t get any more help from mom.
She argued that she was trying to feed our son and that it was awful of me to think of it as “acting out.” I said I understood her frustration, and yes, my mom can do things that require some patience from us, but a little kindness can go a long way in keeping the peace in this difficult time.
She called me selfish and said that it’s easy for me to say when I’m not the one “dealing with this.”
From there, the argument escalated, despite me trying to cut it short.
I went outside to calm down, and after that, my wife started cold-shouldering me. I told her this was not okay, but she told me to go screw myself and that from now on out, I should deal with taking our son back from my mom when it’s time for feeding since I “condone” this behavior.
I really am not condoning anything and really think she’s stressed out, yes, but the way she behaves around mom is, in my opinion, not okay.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Trying to picture how I’d feel if I gave birth five weeks ago, had to ask multiple times to have access to my own baby, and then my husband told me that I was the problem.
I wouldn’t feel good about my marriage, that’s for sure.
Did you marry her just to get a grandbaby for your mom?” madelinegumbo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. And this is one of my favorite topics to rant about, so prepare yourself.
Also, tuck in your feelings; they’re going to be hurt.
First, that is your WIFE. Her wants, needs, feelings, and thoughts should rank higher on your priorities than your mother’s. Full stop.
Second, when you help a postpartum woman, you do that by doing the work she cannot. Not hold the baby. Pregnancy and childbirth do damage to your body that takes a -year- to heal from, and your wife isn’t even a third of the way through that process.
Your mom doesn’t need to bond with the baby; she needs to leave that to your wife and you. Did you pick up a pregnancy book at all? The info is in there.
You, as the father, should darn well know this already, your responsibility is to educate yourself, so you can properly support your wife.
Third, if she’s nursing, then your wife needs the baby once the baby starts crying.
It is much, much easier to get the hungry baby some food right away and get things going than it is for a baby who is overly hungry and screaming. Also, your wife’s milk supply likely isn’t fully established, and she needs to nurse as often as she can to build her supply.
Again, the knowledge you should already know because you should have educated yourself during the pregnancy.
And I’m going to make the logical leap that you don’t know these things because of how you are acting.
Fourth, you need to cut the apron strings. Mommy is a grown adult and can deal with her hurt feelings, I promise. She needs to learn boundaries, and if you won’t take the lead in teaching them, then you need to at least enforce the ones your wife is putting in place.
Fifth, where the heck is your sensitivity towards your wife? She is the one that has spent 40ish weeks growing an entire human being. She is the one that had to give birth.
She is the one still recovering from that entire process. (At 5 weeks postpartum, I was still bleeding.) Stress slows healing; the more she is stressed, the slower her body will heal.
Stress also increases the risk of PPD/PPA. She could become mentally ill because of stress. Your wife needs calm, supportive, compassionate, caregivers and to be in a calm home where she can heal.
It’s on you to provide that for her, no matter the cost.” Aggravating_Secret_7
Another User Comments:
“When my MIL came over after the birth of our daughter and pulled this exact crap, my husband’s reaction was to physically take the baby from his mom, hand her to me, and show his mom to her car.
You support a new mom by supporting her, not by trying to make things easier for yourself.
YTJ.
A mother should never have to ask for her child to be returned to her more than once, no matter who has them or the circumstances.
Especially when it pertains to caring for the baby. This is a bananas thing to have to say. If a mom wants her child back, give them back.
The talk you had with your wife should have been a talk you had with your mother.” NeentheBeans
16. AITJ For Sneaking Out Of A Restaurant To Avoid Paying For My Fiance And His Friends' Meals?
First of all, I thought this guy was a young, immature 20-something until I realized the dude is almost 40. Second of all, why can’t the fiance’s friends pay for their own meals?
“I (F33) have been engaged to my fiance (M37) for 5 months.
We don’t share finances because that’s what he wants. I got a raise on my salary. Now I earn 30% more than he does, and I noticed that he’s been using this to ask me to pay for him and his friends.
Whenever I say “no” or “why should I pay for this?” he’d respond with, “The 30%, that’s why.” He acts as if the 30% is unfair or that I’m not deserving of it.
Several times, he has tricked me to pay for his and his friend’s meals by asking me publicly. Let me say that I’m too nice to say “no.” I hate confrontation especially when we’re at a public place like a restaurant, so I just grin and pay.
Last Tuesday, he asked me to join him and his buddies for dinner. I told him from the start I wasn’t paying for their food and that he shouldn’t expect me to.
He said he “got this” and “no worries.”
We got to the restaurant. Met his friends, and ordered food. And in the middle of the meal, he leaned in and whispered that I would be paying for everything he and his friends ordered.
I got so mad, I whispered back “noooo,” but he probably relied on me not causing a scene in public and in front of his friends. He said, “You make enough salary; you could pay for everyone’s food, 30% remember?”
I was fuming inside.
instead of reacting negatively and losing my temper, I waited til the bills arrived (they were already split from the start when we first ordered). I paid for mine then I excused myself to the restroom.
I then snuck out from there, got into my car, and went home.
I started getting phone calls from my fiance and then texts asking where I was. I texted back saying I didn’t appreciate how he put me in this situation and basically tricked me into paying for his and his friends’ food.
I told him I went home and then stopped replying.
An hour later, he came and started yelling at me calling me selfish, irrational, a cheapskate, and childish for sneaking out like that and leaving him stuck with a bill he could not pay.
(He had to call his brother for help.) We had a loud argument, then he walked out.
His friends didn’t speak to me about this, but he told me they’re disappointed in my behavior and are telling him to take time and “reflect” on the type of woman he’s gonna be married to.
AITJ for what I did? Is what he’s expecting from me fair or justified?”
Another User Comments:
“Why are you still engaged to him?
You set a boundary. He ignored it. Then he continues to put you in situations where he assumes he can embarrass you enough that you will do what he wants.
When you don’t comply, he loses his crap on you. That is absolutely horrible, and I can’t believe you are even considering that you may be the jerk here.
He is a grade-A jerk and all too happy to take advantage of you financially and pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do and trying to use social situations to manipulate you.
I would not be able to marry someone knowing they had this quality – it displays that he has really poor character and would be a huge dealbreaker for me.” AdventurousDoubt1145
Another User Comments:
“Esh.
You need to stand up for yourself. And probably not be engaged to this person. You’re being a jerk to yourself for letting this foolishness continue.
He is the jerk for obvious reasons.” niennabobenna
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You need to dump your fiance. Why are you with someone who holds your success over your head and considers it his personal mission to “equalize” your take-home pay by running up your expenses?
“He came and started yelling at me calling me selfish, irrational, a cheapskate, and childish for sneaking out like that and leaving him stuck with a bill he could not pay.”
This is abuse.
Please get help – you need to get to a safe place, and get out of whatever lease you have because the engagement is when things are easy and fun! When you’re married with kids and there are a ton of responsibilities and expenses is when things get hard – and he will only get worse. Much worse.” Straight-Singer-2912
15. AITJ For Making My Daughter Share Her Presents With Her Step Sister?
Family by blood or not, both girls deserve to feel appreciated on their birthdays.
“I (40f) was a single mother to my daughter, Amy (15f). I came out 3 years ago and married my wife Jenna (42f) last year.
She has a daughter, Nora (13f). We all live together as I have full custody of my daughter. It was kind of hard for her to adjust to having a second mom, but they got along well.
The girls have their birthdays very close, only two days apart, so we decided to have a joint birthday party for both of them since Nora had a hard time making new friends (they moved in with us, and she’s very shy).
Most of my family lives out of the country, so the gifts were sent a week early. It was a huge bag, with at least 20 gifts. The party was nice, and we opened the bag at night once everyone left.
Jenna handed out the presents as she took them out. After 12 gifts in a row just for Amy, I checked the bag and froze to see that there was only one gift for Nora, from my parents.
She pretended it wasn’t a big deal, but as she opened the present, I saw her eyes drop. It was a $15 tumbler from Walmart. Not to sound ungrateful, but Amy’s gifts were much more expensive (lots of gift cards over $100, a new phone, limited-edition Funkos, designer clothes, and lots of cards wishing her a happy birthday).
Needless to say, I blew up the family chat, calling out my parents, siblings, and extended family who sent gifts for not considering Nora and my parents for the cheap gift.
No one took me seriously since: “It’s not our duty to give gifts to someone else’s kid,” and “Amy deserved them since I didn’t even throw her, her own birthday party,” emphasizing that Jenna and Nora are my problem, not theirs.
Nora was clearly hurt since it’s not the first time my family has left her out. At night, I asked Amy to share some of the gifts with her stepsister. Not all of them, just a couple of gift cards and some of the new clothes.
Amy refused. This surprised me since she never had a problem with sharing and even though she and Nora are not BFFs, they usually get along. After asking why, Amy started crying, saying that she never wanted a joint birthday party and that I force her to share everything with Nora.
They share a room for space, and I make sure they’re both invited to the same parties and sleepovers so that Nora won’t be left out. If they don’t invite both of them, then neither of them goes.
Amy stated that she at least wanted her own gifts to be hers alone. I scolded her for being selfish with her stepsister, grounded her, and took a couple of the presents to give to Nora.
She turned them down because she didn’t want problems with Amy and it felt like pity. Since then, Amy has been cold to all of us. I just wanted my two girls to be closer with the joint party and have the same things.
AITJ?
Clarification: Jenna and I bought gifts for the girls (their own tablets), as well as their friends. Nora also received gifts from her extended family, but they sent for Amy as well.”
Another User Comments:
“Amy isn’t allowed to have her own friends?!?! You seriously don’t let her socialize unless her sister is with her?!?!?! Not to mention, maybe Nora doesn’t want Amy there when she hangs out with her friends.
Sounds like Amy is dealing pretty well with – losing her dad (?), having her mother come out, having to share her mom with her new wife, having to share her space and things with a new sister….after 14 years of it being just the two of you.
She has NOTHING TO HERSELF. And she can’t even go out with her friends on her own.
Do you see Amy’s struggles at all??? Or are you so focused on the pretty picture in your mind and being Nora’s hero that you don’t see all the changes your own daughter is going through?
You have compassion for Nora, and that’s wonderful! But you are sacrificing your own daughter’s happiness for Nora’s.
Just because Amy doesn’t complain doesn’t mean she isn’t struggling and hurting.
(Yes, your parents are jerks – that was a horrible thing to do. But maybe they did her a favor if it wakes you up to how awful you are being to your daughter.
I’m wondering if she’s complained to them, or if they just see how she’s treated now). But you tried to fix it the totally wrong way. You punished Amy for your family’s awful behavior.
Listen to what Amy is telling you. She’s been polite long enough. You are not bringing them closer; you are driving them apart. YTJ.” SingleAlfredoFemale
Another User Comments:
“ESH except for the kids.
Your family shouldn’t be ignoring your stepdaughter; I note that her family isn’t ignoring your daughter.
As for you, I see that you mean well, but you can’t force teenagers to invite kids they don’t want to, or it goes badly.
And sharing a party was a bad idea from the start. As for the presents, it wasn’t terrible to ask her to share, but when she said no, that should have been the end of it.
It wasn’t fair of you to take them.
What you’re missing is that, by making them share everything, you’re not only putting enormous pressure on your daughter — which is not going to improve her relationship with your stepdaughter at all — but you’re also putting enormous pressure on your stepdaughter.
Nora cannot carve out a life for herself, with her own friends and her own invitations and her own birthday party, because you’re so busy making sure she is attached to Amy’s.
That isn’t good for Nora, let alone Amy. Please stop it and help Nora develop her own identity and her own life, separate from Amy’s, instead.
But it wouldn’t be out of line to tell your family that you do indeed expect them to acknowledge ‘someone else’s kid’ because that kid is now part of your family.
And that if they’re determined not to do it, they will not be invited to interact with your family… any of it, including you and Amy. That’s a boundary you’re allowed to draw.
People who do not support your family as it is don’t have to be part of it.” VoyagerVII
Another User Comments:
“Is this a rage-bait post? Yes, YTJ.
First, you forced your children into a joint party as opposed to celebrating each of them on their own day.
(Would it have been that big a deal just to make two cakes?)
Second, rather than checking the present situation in advance, you assumed your family would somehow give equal presents to Amy and to Nora even though they never treated them equally in the past? Why, oh why would you make that assumption? In other words, Nora’s discomfort at the gift opening is on you for managing it poorly.
Third, you took your older daughter’s gifts and gave them to another person. What on this green Earth were you thinking? Do. Not. Take. Other. People’s. Stuff. Didn’t you learn that in kindergarten?
Fourth, in what universe do you think repurposing your daughter’s gifts and making her share her party is going to help your family grow closer? Forced sharing drives wedges between siblings; forced sharing drives wedges between children and parents.
You need to sincerely apologize to Amy. Then rethink your strategy for blending your families.” He_Who_Is_Right_
You most definitely are a massive jerk. I'll take the time to spell it out.
No 15 year old wants a 13 year old forced to tag along. You are doing a fine job of breeding contempt. Congratulations on successfully forcing unfair conditions on your daughters. Now your daughter can develop hate for stepsister and you! FYI, it is unfair to force people to include them both.
Eventually, your daughter will be a social outcast due to her Mommy's rules. And, people will make fun of your stepdaughter because Mommy makes everyone include her. Why not get her a t-shirt that labels her the Weirdo Freak Child.
Sheesh! Your post has pissed me off. I feel bad for both of your daughters, Karen.
14. AITJ For Rejecting A Mother's Day Gift From My Niece?
“I (24F) am childfree. My entire family is fully aware of that. My parents always wanted grandchildren, and my sister has already popped out two, so fortunately they never gave me much grief for my choice.
In fact, they’ve been as supportive as they could be.
This incident happened months ago, on mother’s day, but the topic has recently come up again.
On mother’s day lunch, my 5-year-old niece gave cards to each female member of the family – my sister (her mom), my sister-in-law (my brother’s wife), her grandma, and me.
My card had “To the best ani (that’s what she calls me) ever. Happy mother’s day.”
Obviously, she didn’t make the card herself, and my sister had a hand in this. I really think this was a jab at the fact that I don’t have children, so I politely refused the card, saying that I’m not your mom, and you can give me a card like that on my birthday.
She looked a bit upset like she was about to turn on the waterworks, but her mom said something to her, and she shut up. I felt a bit bad because it wasn’t my niece’s fault that her mom used a mother’s day card as a weapon against my choices and was about to say something when the food arrived, and she quickly cheered up.
My birthday was yesterday, and my niece gave me a card saying “happy birthday ani.” I joked to my sister that this time it looks like a real heartfelt card instead of a backhanded jibe at me.
My sister pretended to look confused and then I reminded her about the mother’s day card incident. She got mad and said, “Oh yeah, the card you made my daughter cry over.
I’m sorry your niece loves you so much that she spent her time making a mother’s day card for you.”
I told her that she wasn’t fooling anyone, and that there was no need to give me a mother’s day card.
It was also sexist to give every woman a mother’s day card, even women who weren’t moms. She told me that her daughter had done the same for all the male relatives on father’s day too, but I think that that’s beside the point as all the men in my family are fathers already.
She also said that “mother’s day” also applies to loving aunts.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Plenty of women are not mothers and don’t want to be distinguished as one. If she got you an aunt card on mother’s day, it would be different.
Good on you for calling out your sister’s deliberate disregard and willful ignorance.” thatgirlrandi
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So much.
You’re projecting your own insecurities onto everyone else.
You’re convinced that you are the center of everything.
You made your niece cry because you wouldn’t accept her handmade card.
I don’t have any kids, and I’m a dude… but if YOUR niece made me a card for Mother’s Day, the most critical thing I would say (after thanking her profusely) would be, “I’ll have to find a good place to put this up so everyone can see it.”
If you’re making your niece cry, you’re doing something wrong.
Even if your sister were actually trying to orchestrate some sort of passive-aggressive proxy insult via your niece (and that is a BIG if), refusing the card from your niece is always going to be a jerk move.
You could have said something to your sister in private after thanking your niece.
She may well have replied, “What the heck are you talking about? It’s a card from your niece because she loves you and didn’t want you to feel left out!”
That’s my bet, anyway.” harvartna
Another User Comments:
“I’m child-free.
I love all my siblings and am touched every time they think about me and want to make something for me. When they are young, they don’t always know the difference between an adult person and a parent.
They definitely don’t understand the philosophical/values-oriented choice for a person to not become a parent, so they are unlikely to behave differently towards that person.
Before you say your sister should have corrected her daughter about your parent status when she was making a card for you, it’s not your sister’s job to navigate your triggers on behalf of her kids.
They are your buttons. You installed them. You are responsible for how you react when they get pushed.
You rejected a sweet gift of love from your niece because you suspected some ulterior motive on the part of your sister. Even if that were the case, you could have chosen not to push your niece away, reject her gift, and make her cry. That’s just shameful.
YTJ.” molotovmerkin
YTFoolishandMeanJ to your niece. Maybe a touch of paranoid in that mix, but I can't judge that without knowing about other interactions.....
13. AITJ For Allowing My Son To Call My Best Friend "Dad"?
“My (30M) relationship with my wife Sam (29F) has been rocky since our son Oliver was born two years ago. She got pregnant just a few months after we got married, and things were fine up until Oliver’s delivery.
I assume it was postpartum depression. Sam never sought out a specific diagnosis, but after he was born, it was like she just couldn’t care less about our child. We hadn’t planned to have children so early into our marriage, and it was scary, but I can’t describe to you the all-encompassing love that comes with being a parent.
The fear was worth it for me. It still is and always will be.
Throughout Oliver’s life, but especially that first year, I was essentially acting as a single parent. The only help I had (and I don’t mean for that to sound diminishing because this man is a godsend) was my best friend, Matt (33M).
The plan was for Oliver to be breastfed, but my wife had no interest in it after he was born. I was the one changing diapers and mixing up formula for bottles and being in the house we shared felt so…
oppressive. Like the joys of bonding with my son were being sucked out of me because of the energy there. So I would take Oliver to Matt’s.
I don’t want to ramble on for too long, but there have been exactly zero times in life when Matt hasn’t shown up for me.
I’ve known him since I was 19 and can safely say that even after all that time. But this is the most wonderful thing he’s given me. I could sleep soundly knowing my baby would be taken care of.
I had a place of refuge. He is so, so good with Oliver and is my shoulder to cry on. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay him, but I’m definitely trying every single day.
Things with my wife have kind of started to look up, but recent events have sent us in a huge downwards spiral. Oliver was having some speech delays, but he’s been really picking things up as his third birthday nears.
He’s babbled “dadada” towards Matt and me for a while now, but “daddy” has since been added to his vocabulary, and that is used to refer to us both. I have never corrected him.
I checked in with Matt to make sure he was fine, and he said he was honored to be bestowed with such a title.
Sam got to hear this recently when I was on video chat with Matt, and she basically went ballistic.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did say he was more of a parent than she had been which, while true, is hurtful. I need outside opinions on this.
AITJ for allowing him to call him dad?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife has severe postpartum depression. It is the WORST crap in the world, and I still wish I could smack myself after I had my oldest.
She needs help dealing with what is inside her head.
While becoming a parent is a blessing and an amazing experience, it can and does bring up demons from your own childhood.
Those demons you thought were long gone, and they feel stronger than ever. Battling this is so hard and does affect everyone around them, not including themselves. Please, please advise her to get help.
I also don’t find your friendship with Matt to be weird at all. I find it endearing. When we women band together and build a sisterhood, it is praised. You can love him platonically, and to be honest, I am glad you found a person.
Everyone needs a person, or heck, a village. But having that one person can be a lifesaver. Cherish that. I lost mine recently, but I still have a small village.
I am glad you are taking care of and doing the best for your son above all else.” PoisoniusVixen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
“My wife carried my child for 9 difficult months, birthed him, and suffered PPD which traumatized her to the point she was physically and mentally unable to bond with our child.
Instead of seeking out help for her, I threw myself a pity party and now expect her to pay all the bills while she (probably) still suffers from PPD and the residual guilt trip I’ve put her through these past two years.
She’s not worthy of being a parent because, poor me, I had to step it up and be a dad while totally ignoring her time of crisis. Oh, and to top it all off, I’m having an emotional affair with my best friend who has definitely taken my wife’s place, but he ‘deserves’ it.” Sums up what I just read.” halfrayne24
Another User Comments:
“I had severe postpartum depression.
It was the lowest I’ve ever felt in my entire life. My ex-husband was not supportive. He didn’t even catch it; my mother did. Even with medication, it took me a year to feel like any semblance of myself.
It’s been 14 years, and I’m still on medication because I fear feeling that way again. And it destroyed my marriage to have so little support from my ex.
The worst part about it was how awful I felt as a mother and person because I was having trouble bonding, and everyone acted like it was something that was instant.
It wasn’t for me. The low blow you gave her of the insult physically pained me to read. YTJ for that comment.
Where your wife is, and what she’s feeling, is nowhere I’d wish on my greatest enemy.
You’ve asked her if she wants therapy; it’s time to tell her it’s necessary or even to call her doctor and talk to them.
If you care about your wife, have any compassion for her, and any regard for your son having a relationship with his mother, keep trying.
I know you’re tired, you’re resentful, but please trust me that she’s in a pit of despair. I think you could both use some professional help at this point. Good luck.” somelikeithannah
12. AITJ For Not Inviting Everyone In My Child's Class To His Birthday Party?
“I (28F) am a mother of a wonderful 8-year-old son. This whole thing happened last April, but I am still getting complaints. So here I am asking strangers for a judgment on the internet.
So last year was my kid’s first year in “big kids’ school” like he calls it. We are not in the best place financially; like most families, our consumer debt piled up, and we are throwing every spare cent at it.
So when it was time to throw him a party, I only invited 5 of his classmates, the ones he considered his friends. For the others, I sent 2 dozen cupcakes and juice boxes to class.
The invites were delivered to their houses and not in front of the other kids.
Like I said, our finances were tight, so I got creative. I made 9 small cakes (box cakes, vanilla, chocolate, and funfetti) and buttercream in different colors.
Also made big sugar cookies and different colored frosting and sprinkles. And finally bought tortillas, made pizza sauce, and had a variety of toppings. I asked that the kids bring swimsuits and water guns.
We had a make-your-own pizza station for lunch, then they played with their water guns. Then they decorated their cakes and finally their cookies to take home with them. That was a Saturday.
Well the next Monday, the kids would not stop raving about how fun the party was, how it was the best birthday party ever. The other kids were not happy to not be invited.
At pick-up Tuesday, a couple of moms confronted me about not inviting their kids. I said that I am sorry, but it was a small party for his close friends only.
They kept complaining about me excluding their kids.
I didn’t take it seriously then, but now it is a new school year, almost 6 months later, and I am still getting the occasional comment thrown at me.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It isn’t like you invited almost everyone and excluded only a few. You invited 5 kids. You did everything fine. The other parents are probably feeling protective of their kids because their kid felt left out by the conversation, but that a) isn’t something in your control and b) is something they are going to need to understand and learn to cope with.
Their parents are getting upset and trying to shield them from some tough emotions, instead of helping them understand that it wasn’t personal.
I say this as the mother of a now 18-year-old who struggles a bit with making friends, who has always been very guarded about his emotions, but who broke one time and with teary eyes asked me (when he was around 8) why he never gets invited to birthday parties.
We moved a few times and he had friends, just not lifelong or very close ones at the time (which has changed now). Turns out, he had learned about a party the same way some of the excluded kids at your son’s school did: they were discussing it after the weekend.
It sucks being on that end of the situation. That moment shattered my heart and lives in my mind forever (just typing it makes me tear up). BUT I talked to him about the logical reasons why this may have been the case at the time and helped him to understand that it wasn’t personal and that people usually have a hard limit on who can attend and that eventually, he would find his close-knit people (some of which ended up being the same ones who held and attended that initial party).
We also made a point not to hold any grudges and included anyone he felt close to when having his birthday parties. What I did not do was go after the mother.
What could that possibly solve? My heart broke for my son, but it doesn’t mean forcing him to be included would make it better.
I so say it as a mother who has seen it from the side doing the “excluding.” My younger son has always been incredibly social.
He had an enormous friend group right from Kindergarten, as well as a bunch of kids who considered him their really good friend because he was kind to and talked to them and never excluded anyone but whom he personally wasn’t as close with.
This made his birthdays difficult because we didn’t have the finances or space to accommodate massive parties, so it always felt like we were excluding people. We also tried to keep it quiet, invite people outside of class, etc…
but it never failed that we ended up feeling guilty.
Kids’ birthday parties can be a surprisingly horribly rough thing to navigate. Of all the struggles I anticipated in raising kids, I did not expect birthday parties to be some of the toughest things to navigate.” kissedbyfiya
Another User Comments:
“If you had asked almost anyone in my country, they would have said YTJ.
Me included. So I’m guessing you aren’t from Denmark.
Normally the parents in a class will decide that you either invite the whole class or only the boys or girls. This is to make sure no one is left out.
There can be up to 28 kids in a class.
Kids can be so cruel about this and use it against each other. Especially at that age range. Giving out invitations outside of school doesn’t change that.
They will talk about the party before and after school, and all those not included will for sure feel left out.
I totally get that when you are on a tight budget; it’s difficult when you want your kids to have the best party.
I’m a single mother of three and have held my fair share of birthday parties on a budget.” i_want_that_username
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not even a little bit.
In my opinion, your financial situation is completely irrelevant, and you do not have to feel forced to justify your decision because of finances, because the real issue here is that adults want to force a kid to invite kids he’s not friends with.
Would you invite colleagues that you don’t talk to or like, to a party meant to be fun and celebratory? I wouldn’t!
My daughter’s school had a policy where girls invite girls, boys invite boys or you invite everyone.
Well, the first two years we invited all the girls. Turns out three of the girls were incredibly nasty, and constantly had drama in their trio, and then they excluded my daughter and her best friend from their party (they were only six girls in the class, and we were constantly being dragged into meetings, playgroups, etc to help the girls get along because of these three divas).
Third year I said screw this, and my daughter invited her actual friends, two girls and three boys, and that’s what we’ve done ever since!
Don’t give a crap! They can throw their own fun party if they’re that upset about it!” whassssssssssa
11. AITJ For Giving My Partner's VIP Concert Ticket To My Cousin's Friend Instead?
“I (20M) got 3 VIP tickets to see an artist (popular person, won’t be giving a name because I don’t want people asking me how I got them). The tickets were really hard to get, and I planned to take my partner (20F) and cousin (14F) with me.
They’re both die-hard fans of this artist, and I like the artist too. I told them both about it separately, and I remember telling my cousin that I had 3 tickets but not who they were for.
Turns out, my cousin told her best friend (14F) that she could come with her too because I had an “extra ticket.” I found out when I found them at an event hosted by her father two weeks before the event, and they were just streaming the albums and watching music videos.
The best friend was super excited and thanked me very much. They were so happy, and I just couldn’t bring myself to look that kid in the eyes and tell her, “NO, you can’t have it.” I knew that the friend had lost her mom and grandma a few months earlier, and I felt like I would be a horrible person for making her lose yet another thing that was important to her.
I thought about just letting my partner take them, but my uncle and my mom both agreed absolutely not because they don’t know her that well. Okay, that is true. We’ve only been together for a few months.
After my uncle left, my mom said to either take my cousin and her friend or tell the friend she can’t come and take my girl instead. It was a very difficult situation, and I didn’t want to hurt innocent kids’ feelings, so I made a hard decision and told my girl she couldn’t come.
She was clearly upset but said she wasn’t. I had hyped up the whole event for a few weeks, and she was so excited. She bought a new outfit, new jewelry, and practiced her makeup and even the things she’d say on the day of the meet.
I felt like crap the whole time I was watching her face fall and her trying to pretend it’s okay. My family says I did the right thing, and even she said that too, but I feel like trash, and I feel like something shifted between me and my girl.
AITJ for what I did to my girl?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Except for your girl. She sounds really sweet trying not to be upset with you.
You could have cleared the mistake up straight away but didn’t.
You need to work on your assertiveness otherwise you’ll find yourself in these situations often and the people closest to you will resent it.
Your cousin assumed both tickets were for her to do what she wanted.
I can see how she made that assumption, but it was still a little self-centered of her.
I’m not sure how you can make it up to your girl. I used to be with a guy who would never say no to anyone.
He started treating me like an extension of himself, telling other people that I could miss out on things and I’d do them favors that I didn’t agree to because that’s what he’d usually do.
I lost respect for him and felt angry a lot of the time about the unnecessary expectations and also grew tired of being the one who had to say no to people for him.” 123throwaway56789fe
Another User Comments:
“14 is old enough to understand the consequences of your own actions.
She told a friend without permission she could come along. Sounds like she knew she’d get her way in the long run, and she was right. Kids at 14 are not dumb.
Grow a spine, man.
Hyping it up for weeks to your girl to turn around and say, “Sorry, taking someone else instead” is crappy. She bought new clothes and was very clearly excited to go.
Worst part is, she sounds like a dang good person to even try to pretend for you that it’s fine.
Are you going to be able to turn around and get the same tickets for your girl after this? Guessing not, so I don’t think you’ll be making this up to her.
YTJ and probably single.” ckb251
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Who is more important to you, your girl or someone you don’t know? By going along with this, you are showing your girl that you care more about your cousin’s friend than you do her.
Each day you choose not to fix this, you are showing your girl that neither she nor the commitments you make are important to you. She will always remember this. Why is she supposed to trust you or any plan you make after this?
She’s saying it’s fine, because clearly, you already didn’t choose her.
What is the point of her fighting for you to take her to this event when you clearly haven’t kept your commitment to her?
You have a choice to confront your cousin or value your girl.
The damage from this screw-up is entirely up to you.” ShotAssignment7968
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – also just wanna point out: of freaking course your girl said it was fine. She probably felt like she HAD to.
If she made a stink about it, then she’d be the 20-year-old who got upset over her partner being nice to a teen who lost their mom and grandma.
At this point, you can’t fix it.
It’s been days since it transpired, right? The moment to fix it was when cousin’s bff came over to thank you. Heck, even when you were talking about it with your mom and uncle.
But now it’s too late. You let it sit for too long, and taking the ticket away now would mean:
a) being an absolute jerk to the bff who was not only promised a ticket by your cousin but then also by YOU.
If she had any doubts or misgivings, they disappeared when you confirmed she can go.
b) making your girl the bad guy; even if you explain it and apologize to everyone, it’ll probably cause some negative feelings from your cousin and maybe your uncle.
c) making your girl feel like absolute crap. Just like you felt bad for the girl (enough to cause this dilemma), she’d probably also feel horrible knowing you took the ticket from the girl to give it to her.
Ultimately, I don’t see a 100% resolution here. You can try making it up to her with another trip or event, but you already said these tickets were very hard to come by and truthfully.
I don’t think any trip/vacation can really compare to seeing your absolute favorite artist. You can take a trip any time in your life, but opportunities to attend things like meet & greets probably come once in a lifetime.
Your best bet would be to sit down and communicate with her about how you feel, how she feels, and any potential steps you can take moving forward. Just remember that she’s entitled to her feelings.” GeneNeat906
10. AITJ For Leaving Our Vacation Early After I Overheard My Husband Say He Didn't Want To Bring Me?
If you’re going to act like your wife is such a burden to you and your family, at least say it to her face.
“My husband goes on annual vacations with his family.
I’m on okay terms with them, but since we’ve only been married for a short time, and I don’t see his family much, we still have that barrier that keeps us from being completely comfortable around each other.
His family arranged for the vacation last week. I, out of curiosity, asked if I could come. My husband felt hesitant, but I told him it’d be a great opportunity to get to know his family better.
He agreed to take me and his family was surprised to see me but still welcomed me.
On the 3rd day of the vacation, his dad, mom, brothers, and spouses were all sitting at a table outside talking while I was preparing a fruit salad.
As I was making my way back, I overheard my MIL say, “…did she really have nowhere else to spend the weekend?” At first, I had no idea who she was talking about, so I kept on walking but stopped once I overheard my husband say, “l KNOW!!!! And I didn’t want to bring her with me, but what was I supposed to do?!!! You know how pushy she can get.” I instantly figured it was about me.
I felt so shaken up to the point where I almost dropped the salad. This whole time I was there, I cleaned, cooked, and looked after the kids, and this is how they think of me? An inconvenience to them?
I quietly booked a ticket and went home on the first plane.
He called and texted, but I didn’t respond anything other than letting him know I was home. He got back and went off on me saying what I did was disrespectful and juvenile.
I told him I overheard the conversation he had with his mom, but he said that I was wrong for eavesdropping and that his family will warm up to me on their terms, so I should stop pushing to be around them when they don’t feel comfortable with it.
Basically saying it was my fault for coming along in the first place. He said that going home made him and his family disappointed and gave them a really bad impression of me.
I think that I might have messed this up and somewhat ruined it for them as well.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband and his family make a point of excluding you from family events and then spend their time bad-mouthing you when you do come along, and you are the villain for eavesdropping and coming along in the first place? No.
This is typical abusive behavior – to try to turn the blame around on the victim. Your husband’s family should have gotten used to you before your wedding.
As far as the “really bad impression” – this is more victim blaming.
Your husband (and his family) have been ignoring how their actions have been hurting you for a while now and placing the entire effort of this relationship on you. Don’t worry about messing things up for them – they messed it up for you first.
Your response to what they did was, in fact, kind of restrained. You would have been justified in busting in and confronting them right then.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“Stop being pushy by exiting his life entirely.
He’s got some hostility towards you that I can’t explain based on just this post, but treating you like you’re the uncool high school nerd while he complains to the other cool guys about how he doesn’t really want you to be there (but you’re helping him pass the finals, right) is so cliche crappy behavior that he should’ve grown out of generally.
And why did he marry someone if he feels this way about them? Now that you know this, why should you stay with him at all?
NTJ.” MoogleyWoogley
Another User Comments:
“Honest question, if a friend told you this exact same story, would you think she messed up?
You know the answer to your situation; you’re just too scared to do what needs to be done.
YTJ because you aren’t choosing yourself.” CoconutOilz4
9. AITJ For Getting Matching Heart Tattoos With My Best Friend, Against His Partner's Wishes?
“So basically, I (19f) have been best friends with “Devon” (20m) since we were teenagers, around 13-14 years old. We have been extremely close since then, and his friendship means more to me than any other relationship in my life.
When we were around 16, he casually said, “Hey, maybe we should get matching tattoos to remind us that we’re always there for each other,” and I said it sounded cool, and it wasn’t really mentioned again (we were minors, so it wasn’t exactly plausible).
But recently, we passed a tattoo place, and I joked, “Remember when were younger and we wanted to get matching tattoos,” which led to a discussion leading up to us deciding that we wanted to do it for real.
We took a few days to decide on the design (my friend is a graphic designer, so she made it for us), but it’s basically a lightbulb shaped like a heart with the words ‘I’ll be your light, love you always’ sort of woven through the image.
The lightbulb thing is an inside thing between us, and we always say “love you/I love you,” so it wasn’t anything off-putting.
And then the day before the appointment was scheduled, Devon’s girl, “Bianca,” came up to me hysterically, saying that we couldn’t go through with the tattoos (I’m assuming Devon must have told her).
She didn’t really give me any room to speak, but she talked a lot about how uncomfortable the idea made her (they’ve been in an extremely serious relationship for a while, and he was starting to consider proposal).
But I told her that I was still getting the tattoo, as Devon had been an important part of my life for years and meant a lot to me. And the tattoo was our idea together, not just mine.
Obviously, we went through with it, and it felt really nice for a while… until Bianca called me and started freaking out. Apparently, I’m a horrible person, and the tattoo was too romantic (even though it WAS NOT.
We’re just extremely close friends. I’m sure she has friends she would say “I love you” to, too. It’s not a big deal). But now she’s saying she wants it to be removed, and I really don’t know what to do.
Because on one hand, I don’t want to be responsible for ruining Devon’s relationship/possible marriage, but on the other hand, I do not want to get rid of the tattoo.
I’m really conflicted on this one because I didn’t think it mattered at all, but she will not stop crying about it (I mean this literally), and it makes me feel really bad.
People are still convinced that I’m in denial. I’m a lesbian; there’s nothing romantic. That sort of mentality is the problem; we’re basically siblings. Girls and guys can be just friends.
It is possible.
Devon does not want to remove the tattoo either, nor does he want me to remove it.
We have never been together romantically at any point in our friendship. We’ve both had issues with our mental health, and we’ve been the only ones to help each other through it, over family, other friends, and partners.
The ‘light’ concept is because we brought light into the other’s world when it felt completely hopeless.
Bianca said that because I was a girl, the tattoo meant something else, and she wouldn’t have cared if I were a guy.
Reiterating that when we say “I love you,” it’s completely platonic. But we’ve been through a lot together; how could we not love each other? I have other friends who I say it to also (maybe not as much), but it’s not an exclusive thing at all).
He’s the same with his other friends. Also, it has meaning for us, especially me. I went through a period where I constantly felt unworthy of love and unloveable, and him being there for me and bringing me out of that mindset means a lot and will always stay with me.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
‘A lightbulb shaped like a heart with the words ‘I’ll be your light, love you always’ sort of woven through the image.’
You and Devon cannot be so naive that you honestly believe people will see this as platonic.
I was going to say ESH because Bianca needs to realize that what’s done is done and start thinking about if her relationship has any future, instead of having a go at you.
But your ‘guys and girls can be friends’ defense pushed me to YTJ because you’re refusing to see that this is not about your friendship; this is about how your friendship looks to other people.
Of course, men and women can be friends. But most of us don’t a) get matching heart tattoos and b) prioritize a heart tattoo with a friend over our partner’s feelings.
Devon is acting like a massive jerk.” happybanana134
Another User Comments:
“How does Devon feel about it? Does he want to remove the tattoo? I feel like his opinion matters in this, but ultimately it’s your body, and she can’t force you to get rid of something that has meaning to you.
From the post, it sounds like she’s probably been insecure about your friendship with him for a while, which isn’t your fault. I have plenty of friends of the opposite gender that I say I love you to, and it’s not a big deal, and my partner doesn’t care either.
If any one of them asked, I would definitely get a tattoo with them too, lol.
NTJ, in my opinion.” itsEtheMan
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Firstly, You and Devon have a very deep place in each other’s life emotionally.
You’ve been through a lot and have been there for each other through it all, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with celebrating your bond with a matching tattoo.
Having said that….
Even though for you guys it is platonic — it can really affect both of your romantic partners, and they won’t be wrong for feeling insecure that their partner is so close to someone else; it’s not a very normal dynamic, and they are entitled to their feelings.
So I don’t think Bianca is a jerk for feeling this way, though, she is a mild jerk for blaming it entirely on you.
You and Devon both suck because you both knew what Bianca felt.
If anything, you guys at least should have discussed everything with her as well, explained, negotiated, and maybe decided on a tattoo design that she didn’t feel so threatened with together.
If after doing all that, you guys still weren’t seeing eye to eye on this – then you could have just gone with it. But right now, you both didn’t even consider her feelings, not even once, and just went with it.
Also, Devon is the bigger jerk here. They should have taken Bianca’s feelings and insecurity more seriously than anyone, especially when they both are so darn serious!” halleymariana
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Remove My Necklace For My Sister's Wedding?
“My (25F) sister “Cindy” (29F) is getting married in 3 months and she asked me to be her maid of honor. Of course, I said yes! Cindy and I have always been fairly close.
We definitely have our issues, but nothing too serious.
I have a small cross necklace that my grandpa gave me when I was 13. I wear it 24/7 unless I’m taking a shower or going swimming.
I wear the necklace for sentimental and religious reasons. Needless to say, it’s extremely important to me.
A few days ago, Cindy and I were going dress shopping together. Cindy’s 5 other bridesmaids were also there.
While I was trying on one of the dresses, Cindy made a comment about my necklace. She told me that I’ll have to take my necklace off during her wedding because it “clashes with the dress and the theme.”
I told her that, while I understand it’s her wedding, I will have to refuse her request.
She knows how important my necklace is to me and that I almost never take it off. Cindy started to get upset and kept insisting that I could take off my “stupid necklace” for one day! I was getting frustrated, and I told her that my decision was final.
She was livid! She told me that if some piece of “gaudy jewelry” was so important, then I’m no longer welcome in her wedding. I started to get emotional, so I quickly changed out of the dress and left the shop.
All of the bridesmaids are on Cindy’s side. They said that I’m being uptight and what Cindy wants should be my top priority. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I really wanted to say NTJ, but this is a ridiculous hill to die on because you can take it off to match for this one event.
You agreed to be her bridesmaid which means aside from major changes to your appearance, you agree to let her decide how you’ll look which generally includes makeup, hairstyle (not color – I know), and jewelry.
This is a normal request, and it’s not like you haven’t removed it at all in ten years. If it didn’t go with your own wedding dress, would you remove it? You aren’t being asked to sacrifice religious values; you’re being asked to do something very appropriate for your position in the wedding.” pinkwineenthusiast
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go NTJ here.
My sister did this to us at her wedding… asking me and other bridesmaids to remove jewelry that was important to us. She even asked her best friend to remove a ring that was given to her by her deceased father, and she wanted me to remove my ENGAGEMENT ring.
It’s NOT an ok ask. That’s called being a bridezilla. It’s just a cross necklace, how the heck will it clash with the theme of the wedding? Is the devil going to be there? If it’s a sentimental piece of jewelry that you always wear, it’s unreasonable to ask someone to remove it.” suspicious-pepper-31
Another User Comments:
“I am probably going to get downvoted for this, but NTJ.
Schools cannot even require students to take off religious jewelry for physical education classes. There are certain pieces of jewelry that aren’t just jewelry; they have significance, and your necklace is that.
I was raised Catholic, and back when I was practicing, I wore my cross and chain every day and didn’t take it off for anything. Everyone in my family who is practicing still wears their cross and chain daily.
Taking it off for special occasions, especially a wedding, goes against its purpose.
The purpose of wearing it every day is to have a reminder that God is always with you. Also for us, my great-grandfather made our cross and chains, and our godparents gave them to us.
So we are reminded of them as well.
I have been in weddings where bridesmaid wore their cross and chain with jewelry that matched the dresses. You can’t even notice it in the pictures.
These types of jewelry have significant meaning. Your sister is being extremely callous by not understanding that it’s not coming off.” kfisch2014
7. AITJ For Stopping My Parents From Paying For My Sister's IVF?
“I am M23. My sister is F28, married to M30 for 6 years.
My sister has been trying for a baby for about 3 years now, without success. 18 months ago, she and her husband came to my parents and asked if we’d finance an IVF treatment.
My parents have some savings separate from retirement and agreed to pay for it, and I even pitched in a few hundred bucks to show my support even though I didn’t have a lot of savings, having just started work after graduation.
Unfortunately, the IVF failed. Yesterday, my sister and BIL came over again for dinner. Afterward, my sister said she wanted to try another round of IVF and asked my parents if they would pay for it again.
I could tell my parents looked hesitant, but they agreed because my sister was crying.
At this point, I stood up and said it’s not right for her to ask again for our parents’ finances for something that didn’t work before and may not work again.
We argued a bit, and I admit that things got heated, and we had a big fight. She yelled at me that it was none of my business. I told her that if she can’t pay for the IVF, then she needs to accept that she can’t afford a kid.
She told me to get out, but I refused. My parents were trying to calm us down. My mom started telling me that it’s not my money, to which I replied that it’s basically a gift to one child and not the other and that it was only fair that I be given a similar amount as what they would spend on my sister.
My sister started complaining that it’s not a gift; it’s a treatment for a medical condition and if I’d expect payment if she had cancer and my parents paid for chemo.
I told her not being able to have a kid poses no threat to her life the way cancer does, and it’s a completely disingenuous comparison.
My dad finally stood up and yelled at us both to shut up and sit down.
Then he told my sister that they already paid for one and I had a point that continuing to pay for it would be unfair. He said he’s very sorry for what she’s going through, but they need to accept things how they are.
My sister started crying again, and her husband (who had been quiet and looking uncomfortable the whole time) took her and left. Today my sister sent me some texts calling me a jerk for sticking my nose in her business and keeping her from having a baby.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It’s not your money; it’s not your business. You are acting entitled as heck by not only inserting yourself into your parents’ decision but THEN acting as though they owe you whatever they give her.
Parents don’t provide kids equally the exact same things in life; they provide them with what they each need if possible. Did every single activity and the equipment it needed growing up cost exactly the same thing? VERY likely not.
In your defense, you are only 23; your brain is not fully formed, and it shows. Your parents should be telling you to sit the heck down and mind your business, and if you’re lucky, NOT decreasing the amount you may one day inherit by the amount you’re pitching a fit about.
If your parents can afford it, it is their decision and theirs alone. If they chose to wait a while and let your sister try other ways, that’s up to them.
You don’t explain their full situation (your sister and her husband), but either way, it’s still not your decision to make.” OLAZ3000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s obviously not your money, and you’re not entitled to a cent.
But there’s no issue with pointing out the unequal treatment between siblings if your parents were to fund further IVF. That unequal treatment could have an impact on your family relationships going forward.
It also sounds like you gave your parents some support by raising an objection when it was clearly a difficult conversation where there’s significant emotional pressure involved.
In my view, even asking the question in a semi-public group setting around a dinner table is inappropriate.
She should have raised it privately and let your parents sit with it before responding. This gives them the opportunity to form their own view first and discuss the inequity with you individually if they choose.
Putting them on the spot is very unfair to them and has led to conflict.
If you can, maybe try suggesting that your sister and her husband seek some therapy/counseling. The whole telling you to shut up and stay out of it response reeks of desperation/panic and she sounds like she is not aware of the impact of her requests or its effect on her family.
Therapy will hopefully help her get some perspective, but also help prepare for the real possibility that she’s not going to be able to have children.” Ushi007
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You for making the even-stevens argument.
What’s fair is your parents doing what they want with the finances they earned, not you and your sister getting equal amounts of financial assistance. There are so many other ways you could have approached this, starting with suggesting that your parents simply not rush into making such a big financial decision (just kick the can down the road so people have time to think).
Whining about perceived fairness is practically guaranteed to escalate.
Your sister, for comparing infertility to a life-threatening disease. Your sister isn’t going to die if she doesn’t get to experience pregnancy. There are other ways to bring children into a family.
Also for getting upset at you for voicing an opinion when she chose to ask with you right there. And, I too am baffled by folks driving themselves into bankruptcy just trying to get pregnant… “just” because that’s only the beginning of the expenses involved in raising a child – if you blow everything you’ve got on that, how are you going to afford for the child to actually live?
Your parents, for not being prepared for when she asked again.
If affording is a struggle for them, they should have at least put off giving an answer instead of telling the emotional child what she wanted to hear and then letting you look like the bad guy.
Oh, and BIL for basically being just a tagalong. I didn’t get the sense he was very supportive of his wife (whatever his opinions were about any of it), it sounded like he kinda sat there and let it happen and then drove her home. He doesn’t have to agree with her to address her emotional well-being.” Prestigious_Glove904
6. AITJ For Making My Picky 9-Year-Old Make His Own Food?
“My son 9M is insanely picky. He won’t eat almost everything. This started when he was around five. He would come home from kindergarten with untouched lunches except for his yogurt and applesauce.
We took him to the pediatrician, who said we needed to consult with a dietician. While we were waiting for approval from our insurance we tried different things to get our son to eat.
Eventually, we figured that he will eat stuff like mashed potatoes and soup, anything he doesn’t have to chew. So we just started accommodating that. We tried to make balanced meals, mixing soft vegetables into his mashed potatoes and such.
We figured he would grow out of this, but he never did. I got sick of making separate meals or eating pureed food every night. I started bringing my son into the kitchen with me and taught him to use a blender and other kitchen tools.
Now, my son makes his own food almost every night I cook. My wife still makes separate meals for him. She says I am a jerk for making him make his own food.
I supervise him and help him with whatever he needs. I think he needs to know how to make his own stuff because there is no way people are going to accommodate this throughout his life.
We’ve been fighting about it more lately.
AITJ.
Oh, and we never did figure out why he doesn’t like chewing. The dietician referred us elsewhere, and insurance wouldn’t pay. But it doesn’t really matter at this point.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not checking into this further – it sounds like he has ARFID (Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder) or some other kind of sensory processing disorder (ADHD, autism, etc.).
While he is “doing ok” now, this will make his life progressively harder the longer it goes on.
While you may not have the resources to pay for therapy or evaluations for him, I would consider trying to find the finances somewhere for a diagnosis or at the very least looking into some resources to help him broaden his palate a bit.
There are lots of free resources, maybe try checking out accounts on social media like SolidStarts (she has a lot of info on progressing beyond purées – she fed her toddler son purées for too long as a toddler and now he has a texture aversion) or Kids Eat in Colour.
There are a lot more accounts you could look into, but throwing up your hands and saying “there’s nothing we can do now” is not the answer and is not great parenting.
Check with his school; maybe there is a resource through them that you could take advantage of for evaluation?” Lululauren00
Another User Comments:
“I’m a little bit torn with this. I would say NTJ for now because a little independence is okay.
I learned to cook simple meals when I was 6. Nothing wrong with that.
I can tell you about my son. He’s almost the same. He’s 4, almost 5, and only likes stuff like soup, mashed potatoes, or reeeeally soft cooked noodles.
I tried to get help and I only got answers like “Force feed him” or “let him starve till he eats what’s on the table”. I declined both of that. That’s just cruel! So I cook 2 meals every day.
I get that it’s sometimes annoying, but I will push through.
We are currently letting him get checked for autism. And during this process, one of the ladies said “Your son has very soft joints.
He’s very flexible. Let me guess: he only eats soft food?” I was so baffled by this and asked some more questions. But the lady said that a doctor needs to look at him closer.
His last 2 appointments are at the end of this month. After that, I will hopefully have answers, and if not. I will let him get checked on the food thing more.
If you want I can try to keep you updated. If they give me some advice, I’ll gladly share them with you.” Silver_Profession_44
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have a 9yo and we’ve only just recently started getting her into making her own foods.
Not because she is fussy but just for independence and because she can so why not?!
When I make dinner and she doesn’t like it or is being fussy, she knows it is then her responsibility to find something else to make.
This is so she understands the time and effort it takes for us to make her food and gains more appreciation. But having her make her own things like fried eggs or pancakes 100% on her own makes her feel like a kitchen Queen and it’s lovely to see.
It’s been helpful for times like when I’m too unwell and my husband isn’t home or when we are all busy or she just feels like it. We still make her breakfast/lunch/dinner BUT sometimes we leave it up to her for when she is hungry, but at the same time my husband and I don’t make food for each other and not include her, unless she has already got a different idea of what she wants to eat, then she can make something different.
Every family is different though and what works for one may not work for the other. If your son is adapting well and enjoying the process then why discourage it!” catduck-meow
5. AITJ For Refusing To Pay Half The Rent?
“I (F23) have been seeing my partner “Jake” (M23) since our freshmen year of college. In our last year of undergrad, we decided to rent an apartment together. We split everything 50/50, including utilities, groceries, and rent.
We continued living together in the same town as our college after graduation, but recently, we both got jobs in Chicago, and we are currently living downtown.
My dad works in real estate, and he has multiple investment properties.
My dad generously allowed me to live in one of his properties rent-free, but he said that my partner would have to pay him $400 a month for rent. My dad is very protective, but he has been nothing but kind to my partner.
My dad’s reasoning for making my partner pay rent is that he wants to be sure that my partner is with me for me and not because he will have a free place to live.
(Keep in mind, if my dad was renting this apartment out to tenants, he would charge $2,100 a month for rent. Very ritzy building in the middle of downtown Chicago).
My partner is mad at me because he asked me for my half of the $400 for rent, and I explained to him that I will not be paying rent.
My dad is only charging him. He says that we have been splitting rent for the past 2 years, so why would we stop now?
Our rent in our college town was $1,200, so we were both paying $600 a month.
Our apartment in Chicago is significantly nicer, and he is paying $200 less a month than what he was in college.
Is the idea that my DAD doesn’t charge me for rent but charges my partner so crazy? Should I suck it up and pay half because I can afford it?
Jake and I still split utilities and groceries 50/50, and when we go out, we switch off who pays for it.
If he pays one week, I’ll pay the next.”
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ you’re letting your dad test a relationship that you have been in for 5 years, living with the guy for 2, and moved to a new city with you.
Do you honestly want to test your partner? He is creating an inequity in your relationship that has never existed before. It is already causing problems. What happens if you should break up while living in this apartment? Your dad might own it, but your partner will have proof he has been paying rent.
Is there going to be a lease? Who is going to be on it if you aren’t paying rent? Honestly, if there is no lease, your partner would be insane to agree to this.
He is paying for a place that he won’t have any rights in and won’t be building his credit and rental history with. I honestly think you should tell your dad thanks but no thanks.
Part of being in a long-term relationship is standing up for them against your family if they are being unfair to them. With what you shared about your relationship this “test” of your father’s seems ridiculous.” larue555
Another User Comments:
“I think your dad just showed a lot of who Jake is.
Explain that rent is $2,100 a month, and he is expected to pay $400. You are paying $1,700, but you are receiving support from your family to do so. If he would like to split rent, he is welcome to pay $1,050.
Your partner is either:
Greedy and disingenuous, or
Stupid.
Either way, it’s not attractive.” Curious-Mousse-8714
Another User Comments:
“YTJ mostly because you obviously did not disclose the entirety of the deal to your partner before moving in; you just told him rent was $400 and omitted that he’d be the only one paying.
Your father is entitled to make whatever conditions he wants over his own property, but this is a very weird and borderline insulting condition to put on your partner. If after five or more years of relationship your dad still doesn’t trust your partner not being a gold digger, and more importantly if YOU think this is a reasonable thought for him to have…
then your problems are way beyond who pays rent.
I think your partner is coming off a bit entitled because he is in fact reducing his rent cost and living in a nice place for way below the market rate.
But I have the feeling that his attitude is not so much about the rent but about the fact he is treated differently.
Sure, he can’t expect your father to treat him as his own son; that doesn’t always happen not even in married couples.
But that his FIL of five years feels the need to charge him rent just to make sure he’s not abusing the family’s generosity is very insulting, not to mention it comes off as a very clear, “You are not one of us” message.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
If he were to propose, your father might lighten up or maybe not, but, it wouldn't matter. If partner had a brain in his head, his response would have been to call and thank your father for his generosity.
Two can play that test game, which it looks like:
Daddy 1
Partner 0
You in the middle; Good luck!
4. AITJ For Giving My Late Mother's Ring To My Fiancee Instead Of My Daughter?
“I (36 male) have a 16-year-old daughter named Jane. Jane is a great kid and was really close to my mom until she passed away a year ago. My mother gave one piece of her jewelry to her children before she passed away.
I was given her engagement ring.
I have been planning a proposal for my partner, Laura (30, female), for about 6 months now. Jane is from my previous relationship (her mother and I were never married).
I’ve been seeing Laura for about 5 years.
I told Jane I was going to propose. She was happy about it and asked to see the ring. I told her I’d be using my mother’s ring and Jane looked upset, so I asked her what was wrong.
She said she had assumed the ring would be hers since she is my daughter. I explained the ring was given to me and that there are other heirlooms (small items like rosary beads) she can have.
For clarification, I do have the financial stability to buy a ring, but the sentimental value of this ring is why I wanted to use it. Laura also helped us take care of our mom while she was sick, and they were close.
I proposed to Laura with the ring, and she said yes. After this happened, Jane cried to her uncle (my brother) about it, and he understands both points. His wife thinks I’m a jerk and so do some other family members.
I obviously can’t take it back from Laura when I already proposed.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If your mother wanted Jane to have the engagement ring, she would have given it to her in her will.
Simple as that. I wouldn’t be surprised if your mother specifically gave you her engagement ring to propose to Laura since she had known Laura for years. Laura has been there in her time of need, and you two have been together for years.
Why did Jane assume that she was getting her grandmother’s engagement ring anyway? Did your mother tell her that, or did she just come up with that on her own? Maybe someone else in the family said that?” PhoenixRosehere
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I received an heirloom ring from my fiancé. He had a son from a previous marriage. When I divorced, the first thing I did was give his now adult son the ring.
I have found out that nobody else seems to have my morals or standards as people told me I should have kept it. The ring itself was worth quite a bit, but the sentimental value was priceless.
I respected my ex’s family too much to keep the heirloom and not allow it to stay in the direct family line. I completely disagree with everything that you’ve said to try to justify your actions.” Remarkable-Ans-42
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you knew your daughter’s feelings, ignored them and gave the ring to your fiancee anyway.
You could at least pretend you didn’t know and felt bad if you hadn’t actually asked her!
Also, how is your daughter going to feel every time she sees your fiancee wearing that ring? You’ve now set them up for your daughter to resent her for the rest of your relationship.
If you are a decent person, you will get the ring back from your fiance and give it to the man your daughter marries when he proposes someday.
(It is her dead grandmother. It is something from her DEAD grandmother she loves.)” not-telling-sorry
The ring is still in the family.
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Fund My Wife So She Can Be A Stay-At-Home Mom?
“Before the birth of our daughter, my wife and I both worked full time in low-middle earning jobs with my wife earning a bit more than me but not by much.
My wife returned to work out of necessity when our daughter was 3 months old. Her mental health became pretty bad, and she has a minor disability that makes work life a little hard, and she found it a bit worse after having our daughter, but we had to do what we had to do.
My wife’s nan who sort of raised her and was her only family passed away sadly when our daughter was 6 months old. My wife inherited everything she owned. It was a big inheritance.
Not enough for us both to immediately retire but a lot. Enough for us to buy a decent house outright, a new car each, and to put some away for a comfortable retirement.
Shortly after her nan died, my wife stopped working and became a stay-at-home mom. Partially due to grief and struggles at her job and a bit because she always would have preferred to stay home with our daughter.
The thing is though, I’d rather not work and be a stay-at-home dad too, but I’ve been sucking it up because we still need an income to get by.
My wife spoke with me recently about how to budget, so we can live off just my income (she’d been dipping into savings to pull her weight, but that’s all tied up in investments now).
I said if I’m the one who has to work (and I’d rather not), I don’t think I should have to spend my money funding her hobbies and everything else. If she chooses not to work, then she can buy clothes at the charity shop instead of new and get a friend to cut her hair for free, etc.
Or she can get a job working a night shift or start an online business or something to fund her spending. I don’t see why I should have to pay for stuff like her sewing materials and gym membership since I don’t benefit from them, and they’re not my responsibility.
I’m happy to pay for stuff for our daughter seeing as she’s my responsibility, so I don’t think I’m being unreasonable here. I work 36 hours a week, and I already pay for the bills and food.
She said that’s not fair if I get to enjoy my gym membership and hobbies like video games but the difference is I’m paying for them with my earnings. My wife said her inheritance was worth more than if she spent her whole life working, and without that, both of us would be working anyway and having higher expenses from paying a mortgage and car loans, so I should count that as her contribution and share my salary with her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You are aware that the inheritance belonged solely to your wife? Right? She didn’t have to buy you a house, car, or fund your retirement.” Bitter-Conflict-4089
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your wife paid for the house you live in & the car you drive, but you won’t give her a dime to buy clothes or get her hair cut.
Wow, hypocrite much? FYI, your wife IS working. She is taking care of your daughter, and I suspect she is doing all the work to cook and clean and run the household, too.
And did I mention that she gave you a house to live in and a car to drive? Don’t be so cheap that you drive off your wife. When she leaves you, she’ll take the rest of her inheritance with her along with your daughter.” YMMV-But
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You’re completely out of line. She bought YOU a new car, she paid for the house YOU live in, and she birthed YOUR daughter.
Let’s start with the clothes thing. Restricting her from buying clothing from anywhere other than a second-hand store is a way of making her feel like she’s worthless, so nice job there.
And the sewing stuff, maybe consider she could make clothes, fix clothes, make things she might choose to sell as a small home business as she raises your daughter? Earning a little cash when she’s established and feels confident.
I’m sure she’s not just filling the house SHE bought with ruffled pillows.
You do understand that raising a child is a full-time job right? Feeding, cleaning, educating, and giving them the attention they need.
Not to mention tidying the house, cleaning everyone’s clothes, cooking, etc.
Do you go to your daughter when she cries at night? Do night-time feeds? Burp/cuddle? Interact with her for more than 30 seconds?
36 hours a week, I remember my first part-time job.” countingpickles
Another User Comments:
“ESH except for the daughter.
You and your wife should have communicated about what you guys were going to do with the retirement money. It’s very nice of her that she got all the things that you guys have now.
I think your attitude towards being stay-at-home is just a little bit wrong though. Being a stay-at-home isn’t just doing whatever you want and taking care of the kid. It’s also maintaining the house and doing other things that someone working a full-time job can’t do.
Your wife and you should have sat down and talked about working versus who is going to stay home. Because it sounds like staying at home was just an ultimate decision that she made.
Which I guess is fine to some people, but when you’re married, to me that needs to be talked about. So I can see why you would be upset about that.
But you’re being so blinded by being upset with that that you’re not thinking about the rest of what’s going on.
You weren’t funding her stuff. She’s literally using retirement for you guys, and you’re going and complaining about your income being used for everyday living? Are you trying to act spoiled?” ShakeSlow
Your wife's money funded the house and cars and some retirement. If she worked at this point, that would likely funnel into childcare expenses.
You said you worked 36 hours a week.... so, like 7 hour days roughly, or 4- 9 hour days, whatever.... she basically set you up to only need to pay for food and utilities and you complain because you have to work. Yeah. Ok.
Was your wife the one smart enough to tie up the rest of the money in investments so you wouldn't blow through it before retirement?
2. AITJ For Siding With My Mom Instead Of My Wife?
“My wife and I try to always side with each other in public, and if there is an issue talk it out in private, so maybe I screwed up here.
My mom lives an eight-hour plane ride away, so if she is going to visit, it is going to be for at least 4-5 days to make it worth it.
My mom is the one who moved, and my wife made it clear when she moved, that she needs to be the one to come to us as she made the choice to move, doesn’t have small kids, and has the ability to work when she wants with no set schedule.
My mom rolled her eyes but agreed.
My wife also told me that we would not be altering our lives to revolve around my mom. While she is welcome to visit, we will not use up our limited vacation time which we want to use to do things with our kids, and it isn’t our job to entertain her.
I felt weird about it but agreed. My mom visited one time, three years ago. We went to work as normal and she was alone in the house during the day.
By the time we got home, she was clearly bouncing off the walls and about to lose it. We did our normal chores/routine (though my wife did take over some of my duties so I could visit).
We had our normal blah weeknight meals, and by the end of the trip, my mom was clearly miserable, overtired, and starving (she just didn’t eat much, I don’t know why).
She didn’t complain but seemed angry. Then both of us were busy, and we just didn’t see each other. We recently invited her to visit again and my mom said sorry but no.
She said it was torture, and if we can’t put in the effort to host her, she isn’t coming. I felt that was fair, as she didn’t make any demands on us, just chose not to come, but my wife was very upset.
My wife wanted me to confront her about how “entitled” she was being. I refused, so she called my mom and accused her of being childish and needing constant entertainment. My mom and she got into it, with my mom yelling that we were crappy hosts, and she was so bored that she actually cried one day.
She said she doesn’t owe us her time if we don’t want to put time into her, and she will never visit again unless something changes, but we have an open invitation to visit her.
My wife asked me if I was going to get involved. My mom said I need to get my wife to stop attacking her. My wife demanded to know whose side I was on and I said my mom’s.
My mom began laughing, and my wife teared up and hung up. Now she feels I betrayed her, and that I’m a mama’s boy (what the heck? I haven’t even seen her in 3 years).
I told her it is her fault for putting me on the spot, and I just think my mom is entitled to the boundary of she doesn’t want to visit.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You and your wife. Your mother made the trip to visit you – she didn’t just drop in, you guys agreed. You were both poor hosts, making her feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.
She quite reasonably refused to come back just to visit you guys because you have shown her you didn’t want to spend time with her.
Your wife has issues; you allow her to be disrespectful to your mother and alienate her from your children and yourself.
After being ill-mannered and inconsiderate she now has the temerity to complain that your mother removed herself from your family’s vicinity, so she wouldn’t have to continually be treated like she was infringing on your guys’ lives.
Your wife sees herself in competition with your mother and that is unhealthy. She needs to realize one day she will be someone’s MIL and get the same treatment she gives because your children watch your behavior.
You were NOT wrong in telling your wife she was wrong but you were wrong in allowing her to dictate the relationship with your mother. She doesn’t own you or your children.” Dry-Hearing5266
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, except for maybe not standing up for your mom sooner.
Your mom made what had to be an international flight to come visit you all for a week, and you guys couldn’t even take some time off to spend with her? Someone doesn’t come all that way to sit alone in a house which they could very well do at home without the expense, hassle, and jet lag of international travel.
(Maybe it’s the clear other side of the country, not another country but point is, still an ordeal).
Also, your wife is a bit demanding about your mom ONLY visiting you guys and not vice versa.
So y’all never want any family trips where you go a long way away and get to see something different, ever?
Sounds like your wife wants to punish your mom for the crime of moving away, honestly.” Stormfeathery
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Your mom navigated airports and got to you. Is she incapable of renting a car? Using one of yours? Your mom “was starving” because she expected someone to shop and cook for her.
She’s acting super entitled and that her visit required everyone to drop what they were doing for her (sounds like she is high maintenance and your wife had her number even BEFORE your mom moved away).
I will say your wife saying that you couldn’t take time off when your mom visited was wrong. Maybe you don’t take a full week off (PTO is precious), but a couple of days wouldn’t have been inappropriate.
She also was foolish to call your mom and argue with her instead of just leaving it alone.
You are the jerk because you denigrated your wife in front of your mother (plus not helping your mom have a better trip the first time around).
“We’ll talk about all this later” or “Let’s end this call and speak again another time” or a zillion other noncommital answers were better than saying “I’m on my mom’s side.”
I’d go to counseling with your wife if I were you. Both of you have stuff to apologize for.
But your mother is the biggest jerk. She’s driving a wedge in, and she knows it, and you fell for it.” Straight-Singer-2912
Plus, who cares if she was the one that chose to move. Makes me wonder exactly what motivated her move. (I am just being nasty and snarkily implying that she moved to get away from your wife. Yep, that was snotty of me.)
1. AITJ For Wanting My Daughter To Make Our Wedding Cake, Even Though My Fiance Thinks It's Embarrassing?
“I (F-36) have a daughter (F-16) who loves baking, and she’s incredibly good at it. It’s been her passion since she was 3, and I encourage her to follow it and discover more ways to become better at it.
I even enrolled her in a few classes at an academy to learn more.
I met my fiance (M-41) 2 and a half years ago. We’re getting married soon. And for the wedding cake, I had an idea which was to have my daughter bake the cake and decorate it for us.
My daughter agreed and was so excited to do it. My fiance glanced at me when he heard about it, then when we were alone, he snapped and said, “I can’t believe you’re being serious about this.” I told him why not; it’s not like we’re having a huge formal wedding with many guests.
Just a small party with our family and loved ones. He said this was a “freaking joke” and that he will not let “a child” bake our wedding cake while there are tons of professional bakers out there who can make a much more decent looking/tasting one.
I said I didn’t understand the problem because I thought he loved her baking. He responded, “I do love what she bakes, but let’s just stick to the muffins and brownies.” I told him he was being unreasonable and that his words were hurtful to me and my daughter and her abilities.
He told me to be more realistic and think about what the guests will say. Again, I said all the guests are family and friends, so I doubt they’d make any negative comments about the cake knowing my daughter made it.
As a matter of fact, they might even think it’s sweet. He got mad and said that there was nothing sweet about getting embarrassed on his wedding day. We argued for over 2 hours just going back and forth on the issue.
Later, I got a call from his mother telling me that I should start being rational and look at things from her son’s perspective. She suggested we get a “professional” cake for the wedding and then have my daughter maybe bake some cupcakes for the Buffett or something.
But I wasn’t convinced and felt like they were deciding my wedding plans for me and forcing what they want on me. I don’t care how the cake will look, but it’s the sentiment I care about.”
Another User Comments:
“Girl run, seriously.
Not just because of his behavior, but his mother called you? Told you to be rational? Got involved in your argument? No, absolutely not. Do you want that for the rest of your life?
I promise you it WILL get worse.
The fact that she feels comfortable enough to do that is shocking, but she’s not been told not to do it again and not to get involved so she’s had the green light to do it any time there is an issue.
NTJ.” Britsgirl30
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
You wouldn’t like it if he insisted his mother made your wedding dress, so don’t expect him to be automatically happy with your daughter making the wedding cake.
Try a compromise, get your daughter to make a cake as a trial run? Or perhaps a cake for the wedding but not the official wedding cake.
You are supposed to be adults going into a partnership; you need to find compromise on more than just the big day.” SoOverThisAlready
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
I think his reaction is a huge red flag, but you too were wrong here.
You should have never made this decision and asked your daughter to bake your wedding cake without the other half of the married couple’s input.
It is not your wedding alone; it is your and your soon-to-be husband’s wedding, and decisions should be reflective of what you want as a couple not what you want as a person.
There were quite a few compromises that could have been reached on this one, but instead, you made a decision without his input, and it’s tough to put that back in the box.
On another note, does he always run to Mommy when you disagree on something?” Kind-Philosopher1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ 100%.
You made a unilateral decision about your wedding without talking to your fiancé. You basically forced him to agree to it by telling your daughter.
This is his wedding too, and I’m sure he wants it to be special just like you. For him, having a professional cake is something he probably expected and was looking forward to and you just changed that without consulting him.
I get you want to do something special with your daughter, but this is something you should both agree on prior to bringing it up to your daughter.
I don’t understand the NTJ comments. She literally made a big decision about their wedding without consulting him, and he has a right to be mad.” greeksoccer8
I had my cousin's 14 year old daughter photograph my wedding. It was fun, she did a great job, and it was all good.
Screw him and his little mom, too. I think it would be a sweet personal touch.
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