YTJ I think you’re right, you probably have some PTSD from the last time. It sounds like she isn’t working so isn’t making her own money and that you control all the money. This right there is considered financial abuse. She HAS to rely on you for everything, it sounds like it’s possible you keep her under your thumb so you can make sure she doesn’t have another affair. If you think you have PTSD, go to a therapist! And you definitely need couples counseling again. Your marriage isn’t healthy and your wife is right, you are being controlling. Take away the plastic surgery, she still doesn’t have access to any money other than what you allow her. If you can let go of some of that control, encourage her to get a job and start saving for it herself. Though I doubt you want her out of the house, she might have an affair with the first coworker she sees - I’m being sarcastic here. Get some help and work on actually trusting your wife. If you can’t trust her, why stay together?
I think just a teeeensy bit an ahole. First, your sister is mostly an ahole. I say mostly because she DID plan a big, elegant bridal shower that you admit a lot of brides but you would love. It was a jerk move for her to exclude everyone, but I think she did it all with love in her heart - she went all out and paid for it all herself. The restaurant thing was a little weird unless she doesn’t fully understand your dietary restrictions. “Mostly vegan” kind of blurs the lines between vegetarian and vegan and I think a lot of people would easily get confused. She should have clarified with you or the other bridesmaids about the menu.
So here’s where I think you are a smidgen of an ahole. You are able to recognize that your sister put a lot of time and energy into it and you could only say you hated it and want to reimburse her. Then you don’t even tell her about the second shower. Despite being your sister and MOH, are you even close? Sounds like this was forced upon you and your sister really wanted a special party to celebrate you. And it doesn’t sound like she domineered the party and tried to make it about her. I think you possibly burned a bridge with your sister. You could have held your hatred of the party to yourself, there was no reason to flat out say you hated it unless you were trying to hurt her. You could have easily said something innocuous like “it was a lovely day, thank you.” You don’t have to say you loved it, but jerk you aren’t able to appreciate a single thing she did for you.
My sister was the same. She didn’t really know me well but for my birthdays she almost always planned a special event. Usually it wasn’t my style at all, it was 100% hers, but she couldn’t see that not everyone felt the same as her. She was rather narcissistic in a lot of ways, and planning my parties around her interests was one thing. However unlike your sister, mine would become the center of the party and it would end up basically being hers. Of course I’ve had lots of hurt from her, but I can recognize that she did do everything out of love for me, in her weird narcissistic way. Your sister didn’t do this.
NTJ You aren’t required to disclose your finances to anyone, even your parents. You are doing great and that’s all they need to know. It sounds like their time in poverty has really affected the way they see money, and instead of encouraging you to save it all (like some people who hoard money) they are encouraging you to spend it all on a lifestyle of their approval. It’s sad that they feel the need to constantly imply you’re embarrassing them by not living more extravagant. They had rich friends over (weird way to just say friends) and tried again to shame you to try to get you to live the lifestyle THEY think would look better. At this point all they care about are appearances. It’s good that you stood up for yourself, you weren’t rude or disrespectful. They felt embarrassed because now their rich friends know that your parents care more about appearances and keeping up with the Joneses.
Of course YTJ, your wife says she’s lucky to have gifted children yet you only tear your daughter down. Is your son more gifted? Why is he so special? Because he’s male? Your daughter - but not your son? - was literally in gifted classes yet you still tore her down. Your daughter is very gifted, not many teens (16!!!) are going to Uni. You said you just wanted to “caution” her about people that are gifted? I’m not sure why, again, you felt the need to tear her down. Your daughter doesn’t sound like she has a massive ego for starting Uni at 16, YOU have a massive problem here. Your son can do no wrong (I’m guessing since the post is more about your daughter, but you don’t stop to tear him down) yet your daughter, through YEARS of hard work AND being bright enough to be considered gifted in SCHOOL, well she’s only average. You’re implying anyone can do what she can, it’s not a big deal, she’s nothing special, when it’s really the opposite. Not everyone can do what she did, she IS special and she needs to know that you are as proud of her as you are your son - maybe try to be more proud since she’s the one going to Uni at only 16. Not saying you have to convince her she’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, but you just broke some of her confidence by implying she’s average. Way to go dad.