100% NTA. You have reasonable boundaries in your personal life because of your work life and known sleep issues, you didn't force them on anyone, you just asked that they're respected, which your mom failed to do. Had she informed you sooner you could've planned for it but she didn't, and last-minute schedule changes that affect work are disrespectful.
NTJ. You absorbed the vitriol from your parents intended for your wife, so that she doesn't have to invest energy into hitting back. And yes, I'm familiar with loved ones with BPD (my late ex- had it), so saving her that experience in the short-term may sound bad but in the long-term isn't. Which is not to say that your wife isn't entitled to feel some type of way about your idiotic parents' suggestions, but she doesn't need to invest energy into going at them that would be better spent planning for your move away from them or in coping with the after-effects of her stay.
My heart goes out to both of you.