People Yearn To Know "Am I The Jerk?" In These Stories

You just got into the biggest argument you ever had with a friend, and now your sibling wants to pick a war with you. It seems like no matter what you do, you're always painted as the jerk. But what if, in someone else's point of view, you weren't actually the jerk at all, and you had every right to react the way you did? These people tell their stories in the hopes that someone out there will finally take their side. Read on and let us know who you think the jerk is. AITJ = Am I the jerk? NTJ = Not the jerk YTJ = You're the jerk WIBTJ = Would I be the jerk? EHS = Everyone here sucks

19. AITJ For Selling My Grandpa's Business?


“I was raised by my grandpa from the ages of 4 to 11. Until dementia took him away from me and he was placed in a care facility. He took me because of how I was treated at home.

It was a messy start to my life and a messier preteen and teen years too once I was back with my ‘parents’.

Grandpa died 2 years ago.

In his will, grandpa left me the business he had started before he and my grandma had kids.

When grandpa took me in he had already stepped down from an active role in the business and someone else was running it.

My mom (his daughter) and aunts and uncles had all worked in the business at one time or another, but he fired them when they became greedy and showed a lack of respect for the customer, which was something my grandparents disagreed with.

My mom and the rest of the kids had refused to speak to him after being cut from the business.

It was successful enough that the loss of money bothered them.

Those are some key points for this. I don’t have a great relationship with my family of origin for this reason. Grandpa was the only one who gave a crap about me.

And they treated him like crap because he didn’t want them to get rich screwing over other people. I’m the only grandkid he was actually close to, and that was because he saved me. I debated over the business for a long time.

My grandpa saw it as a mistake he had made. He saw it as something that had led to greed and had been a thorn in the family. I decided to sell it to the couple who were running the place.

I had it outright so didn’t ask. But when my mom and her siblings found out they tried to get lawyers involved and all that kind of stuff. I never offered it to any of them and they said I did the wrong thing.

A tiny part of me wonders if they’re right while the other part of me says they have no right to complain.

These are the people who complained that their own mother wasn’t getting an inexpensive funeral so they could have more to inherit when grandpa died. None of them visited him in the home. None of them showed up for the funeral.

They all thought he was ‘selfish’ for not wanting them to have as much money from the business as they could.

I sent a single email reply saying I made my choice and they needed to respect it.


Another User Comments:


Your family might be upset, but you did right by your grandfather. If he wanted them to have any part of the business, he would have stipulated it.” Invisibleamber

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It doesn’t sound like you made a quick decision, you thought about it and took your Grandpa’s thoughts into consideration.

The rest of your family are just continuing to be jerks, so ignore them.” bmidontcare

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but you already know this. I’m sure the couple that was running it will keep the legacy alive much better than any of your family. Good for you.” unknownun2891

6 points (6 votes)

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DCisive 7 months ago
NTJ. You made the decision based on what you knew were your grandfather's wishes.
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18. WIBTJ For Not Going Home On My Birthday?


“I (19 F) turn 20 next weekend. I’m working an intense internship where I regularly work 13/14 hour days. The way my internship works is that the other intern or I always have to be working at night, and we switch off night shifts.

For days when we have back-to-back shows on Sunday/Monday, one of us will take off while the other works.

My birthday falls on the Sunday, and I already arranged to take off so my parents can come see me.

I live about an hour and a half away. My parents just told me that my brother’s (14) soccer game has been moved to my birthday, and he has a party after. Therefore they will no longer be coming to see me on my birthday, although I am welcome to come down to see his game and attend the party with him.

I really do not want to spend my birthday attending a party with middle schoolers and driving for 3 hours.

Alternatively, I could work the 13-hour day on my birthday and they could see me the next day. This also sounds unappealing and unfair to my coworker who has already made plans, and the 13th is my nana’s birthday so we would be celebrating that instead anyway.

These are my only options.

I started crying when my mom told me this was the new plan. I’ve been having a hard time adjusting here, and I was really looking forward to seeing my family and having a break on my birthday.

This made my mom feel awful, which was not my intention. But I also feel awful. I only come home for 2-4 day periods, and every time she decides to do something with my brother or hang out with her friends instead so I only get to see her for a few hours.

I get that she does not control when these events happen, but I feel like I’m always coming second. Part of my inflexibility comes from not wanting to bend over backward to accommodate someone who has never accommodated me.

I think I am the jerk because I’m being stubborn.

I could rearrange to see her on/near my birthday, but I just don’t want to do that. I am also making this decision out of anger toward my mother, but there are other people involved with who I am not angry.

But I also don’t think I’m being unreasonable.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your mother has established a pattern of avoiding spending time with you. She asks you to adjust your schedule to accommodate them, you do it, and then she mysteriously has a reason every single time that makes her unavailable.

Yeah right.

Don’t adjust your schedule for her anymore. If you feel like visiting when you have time off, do. If you have a conflict, tell her ‘Sorry, I can’t make it that day!’ If your mom tries to get you to change your plans, tell her exactly what she told you: ‘That’s the new plan! Sorry! You’re welcome to come down another time.’

Part of growing up is not deferring to your parents’ whims (and I assure you, planning your birthday celebration and then canceling it in favor of a soccer game is a whim) and not apologizing for it either.

Your internship is important and your free time is limited.

And as a general rule, it is healthy to put into a relationship only what you get out. Your mother is jerking you around, either out of thoughtlessness or I don’t know what, but you do not have to play along.

Start assuming that whatever plans you make with your family are tentative and subject to change, so try to dial down your expectations (i.e. expect very little and perhaps be pleasantly surprised) and have backup plans in place.

Put yourself first.” Empty-Masterpiece242

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The coach could have been told that your family already has plans for that day. One of your parents could have come, or your brother could have gone to the game with a friend/teammate’s family or could have skipped the party, or something.

It wasn’t all or nothing.

I think you have every right to feel hurt. This was your birthday, you had already made plans with them, and you can’t see them often. Why does this soccer game with its sudden change trump all that? Your mom should feel awful.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj

Another User Comments:


You are turning 20! I’m not surprised that you want to spend it with your family, but even if it wasn’t a ‘special’ birthday – it’s still YOUR day and it should definitely be a priority. You have all the right to be upset. Don’t settle for less and have a blast!” fredweasleysproperty

5 points (5 votes)

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Bubbalou 7 months ago
NTJ. Sounds like mom is only ok with with what is most convenient for her. You would think a mother would understand your situation. But alas, many don't. When any type of visit comes up again give your mom two choices, only two, that work for you and let her be the one to pick. That way if starts with her old tricks you can remind her that's what she chose. If either choice doesn't work for her then say ok we will try again another time and end the call. You are an adult with an internship that has rules. This arranging/rearranging, postponing, canceling, disappointment is part of life. The dynamics of your relationship is changing. Good luck
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17. AITJ For Fighting With My Cousin Over Plushies?


“My cousin (13M) used to vent to me (24) over DMs and I was down to listen because two years ago his mother died and we all were trying to be as helpful as possible to him, his brother (19M) and my uncle.

This time he would complain about his classmates hating him because he always brags to them about all the expensive stuff he buys. At some point, he started using slurs and ableist words to address his classmates and I asked him not to do that but of course, being a 13-year-old kid he started to spam me so I rolled my eyes and blocked him.

Later I told my parents about it but they said I overreacted and we all quickly shrugged it off and forgot about it.

A month later, my cousin, his brother, and my uncle came to visit us.

My cousins started making jokes using slurs just to tick me off but I ignored them for the sake of everyone’s peace. During dinner, there was a bit of tension between us since they would keep making jokes while I kept on ignoring them.

After that, I was drained (since I broke up with my ex, social events tire me) so I went to my room to recharge my batteries with some music.

My cousins got into my room and I tried to get them into the vibe since I couldn’t throw them out and it worked for a bit. I was talking with them when my little cousin decided to mess with the stuff that I bought with my own money which I worked for.

Literally picked them up and threw them around the room (they were collectible plushies so nothing that can get destroyed).

I tried to tell him to stop doing that but my older cousin joined him too.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I screamed and told them about how much they were disrespectful to me and this took the attention of everyone. My family sided with my cousins while I was completely burned out trying to explain what happened the whole time but everyone went condescending to me saying I overreacted, didn’t hear or see anything, and that I was making a fuss fighting with a kid and making a fool of myself for getting angry over plushies and words which no one in the family cares about but me.

So I went silent out of shame. Right after that, they all went home and I cried out of frustration and shame. None of us mentioned what happened ever again.

It was a few months ago and it still haunts me because I feel ashamed of myself for having such a tantrum that I didn’t even tell any of my friends about it (except for one friend).

Unfortunately, I have quite a rotten relationship with my family so I can’t bring the topic back to talk it out and trust them.

I’m thinking I was the jerk because this happened shortly after I broke up with my horrible ex which none of my family members know about so I may have dumped on them all the suffering I’ve collected.

Long story short I absolutely cannot trust my own judgment (or my family’s) these days so here I am asking if I was the jerk.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but everyone else is.

Your cousins are jerks.. The younger one is a straight-up jerk and will become a bully because everyone’s letting him get away with it.

The fact his older brother joins in on disrespecting your space and items (regardless of price or what they are) makes him a jerk too.

Your family is a jerk for:

1. Siding with them when they were disrespecting your space and items.

2. For letting them get away with slurs and comments that shouldn’t be made.

I’m sorry OP, I truly hope the items are okay and not damaged, regardless of their price.” zZombi__

Another User Comments:


Get a lock, and lock them out.

They are bullies – so pretend they are air and stop interacting with them. And do not let them enter your room.” Creative_Trick_3818

5 points (5 votes)

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rbleah 7 months ago
NTJ And your parents really piss me off. If you underage are they trying to get you to abandon them when you come of age? This is where this is heading if they keep pushing you aside to agree with the asswipe cousins and uncle.
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16. AITJ For Wanting To Change My Study Partner?


“I (20f) decided to move to a totally different country and am now learning the language. I couldn’t find a seat for the b1 (intermediate) level so I decided to skip it and go straight from A2 (beginner) to B2 (intermediate) but it was very difficult so I decided to start B1 again.

Cut to waiting for 4 months, I finally found a seat. Considering I had already done a bit of B2, I was better at the B1 level in general than others.

I work full time so I only have 30 mins of time between finishing my work and taking a bus to class.

We needed an intensive practice book and I told our teacher I can only have it next week because I don’t have time to go buy it and ordering from the internet will take 2/3 days too.

So my current study partner who used to sit on another corner heard this and insisted to buy it for me.

I told him no but he said I can pay him back so I agreed to it. The next day he got it for me and sat next to me. I tried to pay him back but he didn’t take the money back even when I just left it there.

He left it and went home early that day. And started sitting next to me so I could help him.

He is very weak at learning languages and is around A2 level. Our teacher noticed me explaining things to him and told him everyone else can change partners when doing the discussion or any activity but since I can explain things in a simple way (I work with differently-abled) and he needs it we will have to do things together, without asking if I was okay with it.

Now that our course is progressing, there are some things I don’t understand and now need help from someone who’s on the same level as me.

It would be great to have a discussion partner who is on the same level and can discuss with me when I don’t understand something or just say the wrong answer. With him, it’s always me who has to answer everything and if my answer is wrong then that’s it.

When everyone else gets to change partners every time.

While I do understand he bought the book for me because he wanted me to help him and that’s the same reason he changed his initial seat, I just don’t want to get paired up with him every time.

But I feel like just saying it outright would be rude and it would hurt his feelings directly or indirectly.

Am I thinking too much about this or Am I The Jerk for wanting to tell our teacher I need another partner to work with??”

Another User Comments:


First, as someone who is also in the middle of attending language school, your studies and your progress are your top priority. Not him and his. So if you feel your level is too different and you don’t benefit from him as much, that alone is reason enough to switch.

It also sounds like he’s using this book as an excuse to latch onto you.

Not trying to assume things, but I’m assuming things. Insisting on buying the book, then refusing money, he’s created reasons for him to sit by you and stick close to you. And now, while others change partners, he keeps popping up.

Either way, studies come first, I say switch.

You’re in class to learn and a variety of partners will broaden your experiences and help you more.” Castle_of_Aaaaaaargh

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s ok to set boundaries. He gave you a gift you didn’t ask for.

You even offered multiple times to pay him back. Tell the teacher in writing about your issues and concerns for yourself. Then, change seats next class. If he needs a tutor, he can pay you or someone else to tutor him outside of class.

You’re in class to learn not to teach. If the teacher cannot teach the class, that’s on the teacher, not you.” BearRacoonThing

Another User Comments:

“NTJ say something to the teacher and have the teacher pair you with someone else. Plus pay the person back that way if you do have to tell them why you don’t want to be partners they will not hold the book against you.” kwflick67

4 points (4 votes)

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jowo 6 months ago
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15. AITJ For Not Going To My Brother's Graduation?


“This past week my youngest brother, ‘John’, graduated from high school. I wanted to attend but was not able to and I want to know if the reason I couldn’t makes me a jerk.

John’s graduation was on Thursday at 7 pm in a city 30mins away and my husband and I usually go to bed around 8 pm due to working early in the morning.

When I don’t get enough sleep my performance takes a hit at work and I even fall asleep during meetings.

Anyways, my mother mentioned John would have a graduation in June when we visited them in March (they have a second home down south in winter).

That was all they told us. No time or actual date.

On Tuesday night, around 7 pm, my mother texts me to ‘remind’ us that his graduation is Thursday at 7 pm. I told her we may not be able to make it since 2 days’ notice isn’t enough time for my husband and me to arrange to start work late the next day and we probably wouldn’t be back and asleep until after 10 pm.

My mother freaks out on us and starts telling me how I am selfish, but she is the one that didn’t tell us until 2 days before. She also keeps claiming she told us the time and date when no one remembers her doing so (as in my family and husband).

So Wednesday I tell her I will try to make it, do you have a ticket for me (husband probably can’t go at this point).

She ignores the question and argues about me being selfish and now only going because of what she said the night before. I explain I want to see John graduate and that I am proud of him and I again ask if there is a ticket available still.

She ignores me and never answers about the ticket, so I did not go but talked to my brother about it and he said it is no big deal. I am planning a graduation celebration for him at his favorite amusement park instead now since I couldn’t go.


Edit: When I say we usually go to bed at 8 pm, I mean it’s within a 15-minute window.

The only time we stay up later would be for an emergency since I truly have an issue with falling asleep during meetings.

I also asked my brother multiple times to confirm he wasn’t upset if I couldn’t make it and he was fine with it and that’s when we talked about planning a celebration since there isn’t one planned.

My mother also told me she asked other people to go Tuesday night, which is why I followed up Wednesday to see if she still had the tickets and she wouldn’t confirm she had them still.

I just confirmed through photos that she did give the tickets away.

For clarification, I didn’t think John was having a graduation ceremony in person since he had been doing online school for over 2yrs.

I figured June was just when they gave him a diploma and we would all celebrate.”

Another User Comments:


You could have made WAY more of an effort for your brother. You’re an adult who’s infantilizing herself.

Your mother could have controlled herself, answered the question about the ticket, and taken some responsibility for the miscommunication.

The graduating younger brother is acting the most grown-up in your post.” Embarrassed-Sweet905

Another User Comments:


You knew that your brother was going to graduate high school. This is on you for not figuring anything out beforehand. It’s also your brother’s high school graduation. This is a huge day for him obviously and you should have been there to support him, regardless if you get tired the next day.

Drink a Red Bull or whatever. Good, be fine.” VeryArchilicious

Another User Comments:

“In my opinion you’re NTJ. Most teens are just glad it’s over with. I didn’t even want to go to my own boring ceremony, just mail me my diploma.

I’d have been thrilled to go to an amusement park or somewhere fun with friends to really celebrate. Plus you kept asking your mom if there was a ticket available, granted last minute, but you made an attempt. If your sibling’s not upset, no big deal.” Professional_Ad6086

4 points (4 votes)

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IAmMeButNotMe 7 months ago
100% NTA. You have reasonable boundaries in your personal life because of your work life and known sleep issues, you didn't force them on anyone, you just asked that they're respected, which your mom failed to do. Had she informed you sooner you could've planned for it but she didn't, and last-minute schedule changes that affect work are disrespectful.
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14. AITJ For Not Fulfilling My Mom's Request?


“My mom is awesome! She is the epitome of what a mother should be. Might not have liked us all the time but always loved us no matter what.

When Mom moved in with us it was great.

Loved having her here. Now there is a sibling that lives one mile down the road, one that lives twenty miles away, and two that live out of state. The only time any of them (kids, grandkids, or great-grandkids) would come to see her or just call and talk to her was when they wanted something (money).

Mom has been pretty much ignored by most of us for a very long time. She would be so hurt some days, and she tried to hide it from us, but we knew. So, my husband, my kids, and I tried to make up for their sorry behavior.

I would have to guilt-trip them to give her any type of attention.

When she got sick, I took care of her for as long as I could at home, but eventually, she needed professional care, and unfortunately, I could not give her that.

None of them offered to help take care of her. None of them offered any type of help with anything from taking her to doctor appointments, medicine, food when she went on a special diet, equipment, just nothing.

When she had her heart attack, she told me what items she wanted me to give my siblings, if she passed away.

Thankfully she pulled through.

Now, mom’s health is really bad. Whenever she was in the hospital no one, but my husband and kids, would visit or stay with her. It’s getting close to the end now and all I have heard is what they want to have of moms.

Other than what she has told me to give them, I wonder if I should. I really don’t want to. I mean they could not even be bothered to come visit with her, take her to lunch or even just talk to her on the phone.

She loves all of us unconditionally, but they cannot be bothered with her because it might interfere with their life.

They mentioned how they want to rummage through all of mom’s personal property to see if they want anything.

I mean seriously, these idiots are like maggots wanting to consume everything.

I’m thinking about donating everything to charity. I would feel no shame at all and would be filled with glee while I smile and laugh right in their faces as I tell them what I’ve done.

Petty, I know but with everything that has gone on, I just don’t believe they deserve anything. I do hate how they have made me feel so much anger towards them, but worse is how they have made mom feel.

All of us, myself included have treated her awful at one time or another.

I am the youngest of 5 and although my time of being a jerk to her was in my teens I still put her through a nightmare. Yes, I grew up but I was still a little crap.

Just wanted to put it out there.

So WIBTJ if I don’t fulfill mom’s request?”

Another User Comments:

“Soft YTJ. As hard as it is, you should fulfill your mom’s dying wish. Give them what she said they could have and nothing else.

If she’s still able, have her put it in writing (a will) so they can’t try and take what isn’t theirs.” UndertaleFan1996

Another User Comments:

“Soft YTJ. First, something tells me your Mom wasn’t as ‘wonderful’ as you suggest.

Kids don’t go low contact for no reason. And as the youngest, things may have happened that you know little about.

Your anger and contempt toward your siblings are very clear. Perhaps they feel the same way toward your Mom.

Go ahead with your petty revenge and donate everything to charity.” Medi8tor

Another User Comments:

“Gentle YTJ.

To be honest, I would absolutely feel the same way that you do.

Try not to look at this as giving something to those that are undeserving. Look at it as one last, loving, and respectful thing that you can do for your mother.

There is no way that I would be allowing them to go through her things, but I would respect her wishes and give them the things she was specific about.” fourjoys99

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but for your mom’s sake, give them whatever items she specifically told you to and NOTHING ELSE.

Take or donate the rest, and definitely don’t give them the opportunity to ‘rummage’ especially since they did nothing to help her while she’s alive. Your relatives are absolutely jerks and vultures, I’m so sorry about your mom OP.” MayBeAPossum

3 points (3 votes)

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Me3 7 months ago
Soft TJ Bring everything your mom wants to give the others to her. Call them all and let her give to them before she passes. !. this gives mom a chance to say "I love you" 2. It takes most of the burden off you to give to every one. 3. You don't have to let them in your house after she passes.
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13. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Wife For Sending Our Kid To School With Dirty Clothes?


“I 35M am married to Sam (32F) and have two daughters. My daughter Abby is in third grade and hates to read. It was really hard to get her to learn to read and she is at a point where she can read but it’s not the best.

She can read fine to herself but she struggles a lot with reading out loud. At school, her teacher does reading Thursdays where they read a book as a class. So they go around the class and the kids read a paragraph out loud.

Abby hates this, and it is a struggle to get her to school each Thursday. The teacher is older and when I brought my concerns up to her she basically told me Abby can not read but she will not get the points and will fail reading class.

My wife agreed with this and told me Abby needs to read in class, this is how she will get better. My wife is the type of person who thinks pushing through is the best course of action.

Her dad was like that and would always say, suck it up.

So today Abby didn’t want to go to school, I saw the beginning of the meltdown before I went to school. I picked the kids up today from school and Abby was in dirty clothes.

Her clothes were covered in dirt/mud. I asked her what happened and Abby said, Mom sent me on the bus like this. I was livid.

I got home and told Abby to change and waited until my wife got home.

When she got home I asked why Abby went to school in dirty clothes. She said right as the bus was going to get here Abby decided to roll around in the dirt to try to get out of school.

She then put her on the bus even with Abby looking like a mess. We got in an argument with me saying you could have got her changed and then drove her to school. My wife said she is done and wasn’t going to be late to work.

That my daughter needs to live with the consequences of her actions. The argument got more heated and she left to stay with her sister for the night. Her final words were have fun getting the kids ready for school tomorrow and being late to work

I talked to my mom and she called me a moron.

Edit – We have had Abby tested, she doesn’t have anything.

She has always been the type of kid to run away from challenges. We still read with her twice a week with popcorn reading. In reading, she is a B- student. In all other classes, she is thriving.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for not pushing for a second opinion and more testing than just dyslexia.

Speech, autism, ADHD, anxiety, test it all! It could be something you aren’t thinking of. Full educational and neurophysics evaluation ASAP.

You know how much in 2nd-5 or 6th grade I hated spelling tests? How much in kindergarten and first grade I hated reading aloud? Or showing anyone my writing? How hard it was to make friends for years? How much learning to memorize lessons as best I could or studying didn’t matter? I flipped over my spelling tests in shame and didn’t share my scores or grades with anyone for years.

I didn’t show anyone my middle school schedule for years. I didn’t go to tutorials in elementary for Istation because it put me in the kindergarten level…and I couldn’t stand it but had no idea I was supposed to say something.

Group work in high school when I had to write was nerve-wracking if I didn’t trust the person and even sometimes if I did trust them.

As a 2-year-old, I was diagnosed with a speech impairment.

In 5th grade, I was diagnosed with dysgraphia and dyslexic characteristics due to processing. Last year, autism and dyslexia.

Think for a moment. I came home one day and told my dad I felt WORTHLESS because of school.

I ran the school out of IQ tests they didn’t believe I struggled. They broke laws to even fake good data. And I am left with educational trauma that affects me to this day. I don’t believe in studying.

I don’t read aloud in my college classes due to accommodations. I use assistive technology today.

You don’t understand what she feels I don’t think. She may feel her heart racing, her breathing going fast, her head spinning, what feels like words making no sense when she reads them, her mouth not making the sounds she wants.

That all is frustrating and upsetting. She may have no vocabulary to explain that.

Yeah, so both of y’all as parents need to fight for a full battery of all the tests. Might as well make sure her vision is okay as well.

And talk to her! No judgment or trying to force her to read. Just ask ‘how does reading aloud make you feel.’ Go from there. Fight for her and with her, not battle her.” Bookworm3616

Another User Comments:

“I would suggest nightly reading with books she likes to increase confidence.

If you have a family pet, tell her that you noticed that they love being read to and ask if she could help you out by reading to it (pets don’t judge so really helps with building confidence).

If you don’t have a pet, try a Teddy.

Separate that, I would encourage a tutor. A safe and uplifting person who can build her confidence once a week.

As a teacher, the method her teacher is using is old school and counterintuitive to children who struggle.

All she is doing is making your child feel shame every time she reads which will result in her hating reading. Ask for a compromise, such as letting your daughter practice the paragraph in advance so she doesn’t feel so stressed or anxious or to read separately at her level to a teaching assistant to get her grade there.

It sounds like you are the one watching out for your daughter here and for her to throw herself in the mud is a massive cry for help.

Your wife needs to think about what she wants more – to think of your child as a villain, deliberately trying to hurt and frustrate your wife by not mucking in, making your wife a victim or, the truth, that your child is a child and a human being and is being shamed in class.

We do an empathy class with parents where we put another language like Japanese in front of them with the hiragana alphabet and say okay, read this page.

Technically, they have all the tools to sound it out, but it’s impossible on the first go. How would they feel doing that in front of a group of people who already knew Japanese every week?

NTJ.” hamigakiko

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for getting ticked off at your wife.

Her response to your child was perfect. Your 3rd-grade child made a very clear choice to get dirty right before the bus came, thinking that mom would never let her go to school covered in mud/dirt.

She is totally old enough to understand actions have consequences. Going to school in freshly dirt-covered clothes seems like the best natural consequence of the situation! It’s a classic Love and Logic (parenting book series) move — kid chooses not to do something, and a natural effect occurs.

Refuse to bring a jacket? Guess you’ll be cold. Refuse to wear appropriate shoes? Bummer when your feet hurt from hiking in flip-flops.

We’re talking about an 8-9yo child. They made a specific choice expecting a specific outcome.

They learned two very important lessons: (1) Mom will call my bluff about jumping in dirt piles, and (2) I don’t get to choose to miss school or be late because I don’t want to do something at school.

All that being said, I understand your embarrassment at having your child look unkempt and dirty at school.

But I’m guessing if the teacher heard what had happened that morning, she’d be giving your wife a high five and telling her, ‘Great job!”’ mini_mimi_mouse

Another User Comments:

“I see two schools of thought here. One is that Abby is crying for help if she’s willing to roll around in the dirt to get out of school.

The other is that parents have to teach their children that their actions have consequences.

I think both are right. Your daughter clearly is screaming at the top of her lungs for help. Her anxiety is sky high and feeling that level of stress all the time is so harmful.

Read almost anything by Robert Sapolsky (because he makes what could be an overly-technical subject fun) about what it does to you to live with long-term stress. Basically everything you think it does x 1000.

Get her tested. If that all comes back fine, find her a tutor and a therapist. The tutor to teach her the subject in a different way that she may have an easier time internalizing, and the therapist in case the reason she doesn’t want to read out loud is because she’s afraid of being made fun of or some other problem that won’t show up on a physical test.

Your daughter also has to understand that her behavior has consequences.

Right now it looks like a third-grader throwing a fit to get out of doing something they don’t want to do, but the second she turns 18, we start calling that self-sabotage. And 18 has so many more creative ways to self-sabotage than 8.

So yeah, you have to help her build resiliency, help her redirect scary feelings into productive actions. Part of this means teaching her to come to you and use her words when she’s scared or anxious or struggling.

And, you know, the basics of bringing a problem to your attention when there’s enough time to do something about it, not as the bus is pulling up. This only works, however, if you then help her.

If she’s struggling with something, move heck and high water to at least try to help her. You’re not going to establish trust or help her build resiliency if she does come to you, using her words, and nothing comes of it.

ESH, except Abby of course, because you’ve both let her flail on her own to the point where she is afraid to go to school.

You’re quick to blame your wife, but Abby has two parents, no?

Your wife helped Abby learn a valuable lesson in what’s actually a pretty gentle way. They are third graders, not 7th graders: All of them will be dirty by the end of the first recess and no one’s social prospects for the rest of the year will be damaged by it.

I do think you are more of a jerk than your wife because you have some nerve to judge her for not making herself late for work when you saw there was a problem and walked right on by to go to work yourself.

If her ‘suck it up no matter what’ approach is harming your daughter (and btw, I agree: that attitude can teach a kid to suffer in silence for things that really need to be brought to an adult’s attention, for everything from horrible treatment to a learning disorder), then why stroll out the door when you saw the situation brewing? I don’t expect anyone to have mastered parenting — everyone’s human and makes mistakes — but if you’re going to come down so hard on your wife, maybe take a good long look in the mirror too.” winnie_the_grizzly

2 points (2 votes)

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Realitycheck 7 months ago (Edited)
I don't know own exactly to what extent Abby was tested, but if it was at school, there are places that you can go to have her specifically tested for dyslexia. My daughter was tested at school and then we also pursued further testing. We found that she was fine on her consonant sounds, but she missed 10 out of 11 vowel sounds. That means she can not read for content because she is decoding each word one at a time, leaving no room for analyzing content of even some sentences.

That said, practicing popcorn reading two times a week is a drop in the bucket. Get a book that she has already read and practice reading like that the 2 times a week, but spontaneously do a paragraph maybe 2 times on the other days. It doesn't have to be long and being spontaneous may mean that she doesn't get as worked up thinking about it. She will have practiced a few sentences randomly and be done.

As for your wife and the dirty clothes, NEVER jump on the other "your parent was mean to you" bandwagon. Seriously. Give your wife the courtesy of getting her side of things before you make her look bad in front of your child. Both of you need to present a united front on teaching and deal with misbehavior together. You opened up a rift in your coparenting. Always ALWAYS get both sides. (Also valuable advice when your girls are teenagers.) You should have just got her cleaned up and ultimately made her understand that she can not sabotage a day out of school just so she won't have to face an unpleasant activity. If she gets away with it the first time, it will never end. And, no, if Abby can come up with a plan like that last second, your wife should NOT have to be late for work because Abby was naughty.
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12. AITJ For Telling My Dad What My Stepmom Said?


“Long story short, I’m (M) about to go to college. My mom is not in the picture, so it’ll pretty much just be my dad paying for it, he said that as long as I keep good grades and stay out of trouble he’s willing to pay for my tuition and housing.

I decided to attend my dream college after being accepted into it with a partial scholarship, my dad and I did the math and it’ll cost 30-40K more than what he has saved to pay the other half.

I wasn’t willing to let this opportunity go but I also want to apply for student loans as the last resource, so I told my dad that I was going to get a job and put the money towards the last year.

I said that this is really what I want to do, that this college is really good and the name it brings to my resume could be enough to land some pretty good job opportunities.

I can’t go to another college after knowing I have the possibility to attend this one.

I guess my dad liked how I spoke of it, and after talking with my step-mom (who AGREED to ‘let him’ keep saving for my college) he said that I just had to focus on my grades and we will be even.

I was excited, but that same night my step-mom came to my room and said that I couldn’t attend the college I wanted and had to look for something cheaper because I was a spoiled brat ‘robbing my step and half-siblings (15F, 10m, 6m)’ from other opportunities.

They thought that once I wasn’t gonna be around anymore and my dad had already saved for my college funds, they would be able to buy her a new car, one for my step-sister (since I won’t be able to drive her around anymore), a family vacation and an upgrade to the house.

I said I didn’t know and she said it was obvious, but now I did and I had to make it right ‘for our family.’

I don’t know what she expected, but I obviously told my dad what she said and that I would rather work.

He was confused because, apparently, he never promised any new cars or vacations and that the upgrades will only still be happening since it’s not like he’ll put the 30K now but rather gradually just like he has been doing.

He confronted her and now neither she nor my step-sister are talking to me for being ‘a snitch.'”

Another User Comments:


‘Snitching’ is a bully’s defense. ‘I’m going to treat you badly but if you tell anyone about it, it’s YOUR fault.’ The one time someone accused me of ‘snitching’ (they had slapped someone for no reason and I of course went for help), I laughed in their face and told them to grow up.

It’s immature nonsense. Don’t pay it any attention.

You did absolutely the right thing by revealing to your father how greedy and cruel your Lady Tremaine of a stepmother is. It sounds like she’s done you a favor – I would never again speak to a harpy who demanded I give up my education so she could go on holiday and her daughter could have her own car.

If she wants more material things, she can go and earn them herself. It sounds like she’s always treated you poorly if you are more of a chauffeur for her daughter than anything else.

I think you should talk to your dad again, about the long-term ramifications of her behavior.

If something happens to your dad, will your college fund be safe from her? Has he written a will laying out where everything should go? This may sound like gold-digging, but it’s really not. You need to know your future is secure, and the revelation of how your stepmother’s brain really works is alarming and means these difficult conversations need to be had.

Soon. She and her daughter are trying to steal from you. Stop them.” Accomplished-Cheek59

Another User Comments:


Good on you for telling your father. Forget your evil stepmother and her demonic spawn. They basically wanted to throw you out, college or not, and leave you with nothing so that they could use up your father’s money.

Now they’re mad because they can’t spend YOUR money that your father saved for YOU to go to college.

Just ignore them and pretend they don’t exist.

I can’t say pretend they’re furniture because furniture has a purpose even if it doesn’t move.” puppylove17blue

Another User Comments:


Your step-mother is a Disney villain, going behind her husband’s back to tear you down and make you feel bad and expecting you to just bow to her demands rather than expecting you’d mention it to your dad.

You did nothing wrong. Go to college, kick butt, and go far in life.

She created this problem and is facing the consequences of her own actions. Enjoy not having to speak to her, act like nothing is wrong, and if she says anything about it to you, simply tell her that backstabbing stepmothers belong in Disney movies, not real life.” ProfPlumDidIt

2 points (2 votes)

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rbleah 7 months ago
Talk to Dad about putting the money in an acct. with his and your name on it. Make sure the bank knows to NOT let the wicked stepmother get access to it. Good luck to you AND your father.
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11. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Screw Off?


“I understand what I’m about to say is gonna be some vapid crap but this was one if not the only very close friend of mine and I need to know if I’m in the wrong for this or if I should maintain my stance.

Context: in the past, she has told me that when I don’t reply to her messages for days she gets anxious and feels like she’s done something wrong. We’ve gotten into some nasty arguments surrounding this by the way and every time I feel myself backing down because I don’t want to lose someone I otherwise have a lot of fun with.

But ultimately I make an effort now to let them know when I plan to go silent for a couple of days.

This week I had a pretty bad mental breakdown and they ended up leaving me on read during it and continued to not say anything.

I felt like crap, I felt crazy, but I knew they were having a busy week. The thing is they had time to go tweet about how they were done work and still not message me a quick ‘sorry I’m busy’.

I know they personally would have felt awful if I did the same to them. I also feel however busy you are you can always send a message saying that, it’s just if you feel like that person is worth it or not.

I confronted them last night after almost a week of silence asking if something was wrong and ‘Fam I am trying so hard to be cool about this but I swear to God imma need some sign of life tonight because frankly, this is not cool.’ They then proceeded to tell me this morning that ‘brother in Christ I was busy and exhausted’ and proceeded to say my word choice was poor and I was looking to pick a fight.

I wasn’t, and I honestly don’t even think that word choice was awful. But their response unfortunately actually got me ticked off.

I ended up telling them their excuse was bull crap if they had time to tweet about it and moreover the hypocrisy of their actions is nauseating.

It culminated with me asking what the heck is wrong with them and telling them to essentially screw off.

So am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. People have different expectations. I give anywhere from 1-3 days for a response to a message.

Anything beyond that is rude. Also, if you’re not up to texting/replying a heads up saying I can’t text right now is fine. But nobody should have to wait more than 3 days for a reply text.

I’ve ended friendships over it because not responding is disrespecting me and my time.” DE4N0

Another User Comments:


‘I don’t reply to her messages for days she gets anxious and feels like she’s done something wrong.

I also feel however busy you are you can always send a message saying that, it’s just if you feel like that person is worth it or not.’

By your own admission, you treat your friend like she’s not worth it

‘and moreover, the hypocrisy of their actions is nauseating.’

Look inwards, pal.” bucketofnope42

2 points (4 votes)

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leag 7 months ago
Ytj. Grow up. You do the same thing to her.
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10. AITJ For Not Agreeing To Housesit For My Sister?


“Okay this is a wild one that makes absolutely no sense to me, but my sister absolutely hates my guts right now for something I just can’t understand how I did wrong.

She is leaving for vacation for one week, next week.

She asked me to stay at her place including nights because she is worried about break-ins and if there is a flood etc. As well as watering the plants.

Okay, fine. She lives close by, so I’ll stay there.

I sent her a text agreeing to house sit.

Then she sends me a text and tells me, ‘Okay, instead of charging you market rent, I’ll charge you a bit less.’

Uh, no. I have my own home.

Why the heck would I pay?

So I responded with ‘?’

And she responded by explaining that her comparable rental house (She is a landlord) gets X a month in rent so she divided the rent by 4 for the one week and knocked $75 off.


no. So I told her she is free to hire a house sitter, or I can do it free, but I’m not going to pay to stay at her place if I already have a place of my own.

She’s now upset with me because she ‘has a mortgage to pay’ and is losing out if I don’t pay for the 2 weeks to live there.

I told her that is not really my issue.

And I refuse to house sit AND pay to do it. I’ll stay at my place.

Now my partner is on my side, and so are most of the family members. But my sister’s friends have sent me messages absolutely shredding me and saying things like ‘Did you think you get to stay somewhere for free? Nothing is free’ and admonishing me as a ‘leech’.

She is part of a private landlord group on social media and has sent me screenshots of people commenting on her post about me, so many calling entitled and saying things such as ‘Where in the world do you expect to live somewhere free?’ And that I should be grateful she is charging a below-market rate.

I am so saddened that she would air our dirty laundry online. My sister tells me she is crushed that I refuse to help her as she only trusts me to watch her place, so no Airbnbs and strangers, etc.”

Another User Comments:


She asked you to house sit. Why would you be renting the place for the week? You’re not living there. She’s being weird and couldn’t afford to go on vacation if it means she wouldn’t have money for her mortgage.

She could’ve put it up on Airbnb for the week if she wanted cash.” Sandmint

Another User Comments:

“There is no way she posted the full story on her social media post if she has people agreeing with her.

NTJ. She is asking YOU for a favor for HER.

You have your own place to live, she is the one asking if you could house sit for her. If she was to hire someone else to house sit they would charge her, where does she get off thinking she can inconvenience someone by asking a favor and then charging them as well? I’m shocked I can’t even comprehend how she thinks that makes sense.

It’s not like you are homeless and asking to stay in her house? What so she thinks it makes sense for you to pay rent for two places? Your own and hers? Because if you were to house sit for her, you are still obligated to pay rent for your own place even if you are not there just like she is for her place if she leaves it empty.

I can’t… it doesn’t make sense.

I suspect she’s not really concerned with break-ins while she’s gone and really she just wants someone to cover a part of her rent for free.” Jennypenny_03

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your sister is insane.

And the only way people are agreeing with her is if she gave them the wrong details, like saying that you are currently homeless/couch surfing and NEED a place to stay. Honestly, I’d respond to every friend of hers who messaged you and explain that you have your own house.

Make her friends go back to her with their own questions and let them point out how insane her thinking is.” EatAPotatoOrSeven

Another User Comments:

“This can’t be real. Can it?

On the chance it is… you are definitely NOT the jerk.

I literally can’t even understand why she wants to charge you in the first place… SHE asked YOU to help her out, and she wants YOU to pay her?!? When you already have your own place you are paying for?!? That’s so many levels of messed up.

She’s talking about being ‘entitled,’ and that description fits HER.

As far as her being a landlord… yes, sometimes they do rent out their place at a discount in exchange for people doing some stuff around the house (such as watering plants, taking care of a pet, etc.).

One of my clients does this when he knows he will be traveling for an extended period of time. However; when people do that, they ADVERTISE THE DEAL AS SUCH. It’s not, ‘hey, could you do this favor for me,’ and then try and make you pay.

Your sister is just trying to get out of hiring a house sitter.

Also? I house/pet sit as one of my jobs. I have insurance for that job (also have pet insurance and am certified in Pet First Aid/CPR).

People PAY ME for this, not the other way around. The only time I have not charged was an agreement with someone we made AHEAD OF TIME. Even with that, they didn’t pay me, but, they paid all the rent and utilities as normal, and I just stayed there (this was for several months; it worked out well as I was between apartments at the time, and this arrangement allowed me a few months extra to save up and search for a place I loved, as I was still working my other job during this time; the owner of the apartment also got a good deal in that they didn’t have to pay for a sitter).

Again… anything like that has to be known WHEN THE OFFER IS MADE, not after you have already accepted the offer.

You? NTJ. Your sister? I’m sorry, but she is being a major jerk, and honestly not shedding a good light on landlords.” MasterChicken52

2 points (2 votes)

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Realitycheck 7 months ago (Edited)
She is insane. She obviously did not mention on her social media that she asked you to HOUSESIT and you did not ask her to rent it. Unbelievable! Find that post and comment that you do not pay someone to housesit for them, especially when you live nearby!
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9. AITJ For Screaming At My Ex For Saying I Put No Effort In Our Relationship?


“I have not screamed at someone since I was a teenager and used to scrap with my siblings. I do not scream at partners or friends or even strangers as an adult and so this is very out of the ordinary for me and I don’t know how to feel about it.

I don’t like screaming because my parents used to do it as the first option when disciplining us.

I am friends now with my ex and we still see one another and talk but obviously, we can’t be together romantically due to our history.

He had another partner throughout our relationship and gaslit and lied to me so there was a lot of residual pain for me.

I spent a lot of time in the relationship driving to him every time we saw each other, waiting outside his for sometimes up to an hour after he’d invited me and gone AWOL (I know now) making plans for us, getting ready to see him for hours, moving plans around just to see him, trying to get him to communicate when he was low countless times.

Even when I’d had a miscarriage and he was upset about something unrelated I spent all night crying and talking on the phone trying to get him to explain why he was being so unkind and open up.

Trying to keep us together and work through our issues despite what he’d done.

A lot of those were my choice. But I put a lot of time, effort, and energy into just trying to keep us stable and together.

I spent a lot of nights confused and angry crying alone or sleepless nights over where he’d been and what had happened with the other woman. But I forgave as he wished and persisted. All of that is effort.

He turned around to me last night and said after I looked in the mirror ‘ugh you’re so self-centered, that’s why we’re not together, self-centered, never made any effort, never wanted to do anything.’ So I tried to explain how it’s not self-centered to look into a mirror and tried to get him to explain why he seemed so angry and he just ignored me.

So I started thinking maybe I should leave because I’m getting teary and then he said again I made no effort. I stood up and shouted you’re such a jerk I’ve never known such a jerk.

There’s no way you think I made no effort after everything I went through to keep us together… I was shouting and pointing with keys in hand to leave. I was irate and crying because he was just staring and laughing at the TV.

I think I could be the jerk because my screaming and shouting could have been way over the top and I was very upset by my behavior after the fact.”

Another User Comments:


But, seriously, what are you getting out of this friendship?

When I was younger, I was very much like you. Always kind, took pride in being diplomatic, and put a lot of effort into all of my relationships.

I was overly understanding, always considered the other’s point of view even when they were in the wrong, took on the burden of communication in the relationship entirely myself, and always tried to fix problems.

Never yelled, was never accusatory, always picked my words carefully, minimized what was bothering me, and used ‘I feel’ statements.

And you know what, despite all that, there are some exes I had that did not appreciate any of that effort.

Or whatever I did became the norm, and they would ask for more. When one ex was unfaithful to me and we were in the process of breaking up, he asked me what I brought to the relationship because he (no joke) occasionally would bring me food after work or every few months would bring a small present, and I didn’t do the same for him.

Never mind that I cooked him food regularly, and did many other kind things to show him that I cared. And like you, I tried to be friends with him after, and like your post, he used the opportunity to gaslight me, continue to be selfish, and to try and make himself seem like the ‘good guy.’

This man does not appreciate you, and never will no matter what you do.

OP, from your own words, he had another partner your entire relationship. This is not a relationship you then try to salvage into a friendship.

You can pour energy, time, effort, care, and love into this friendship, but he will never acknowledge any of what you do.

He is either not that person, or his lack of respect for you is so deep that no matter what you put into this, it will be received as an expectation rather than with gratitude.

Being a good understanding person does not mean letting yourself be walked on or mistreated, it means being good to those who are good to you.

Learn from my mistakes, have some self-respect for yourself, and leave this man in your past where he belongs.

Your love and effort will only make him feel more in the right about mistreating you.” lemontreesonmercuree

Another User Comments:

“NTJ he’s still trying to gaslight you. You know none of what he said is true. He knows what will set you off and he pushed those buttons and now can say you are out of control too.

It might be time to take a break from him entirely.” helloeverybodee

Another User Comments:

“Why the heck are you friends with that jerk? Clearly has no value for you, neither when you were together and certainly not now. NTJ.” HaveAMorcelOfMyMind

2 points (2 votes)

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leag 7 months ago
Ntj. Why are you still friends with this child. Walk away and find someone who will put in as much an effort to be with you as you do.
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8. AITJ For Not Having Answers When I'm Just A Volunteer?


“I (19NB) volunteered for my city’s pride festival this year. It’s kind of big, people come from out of state to come to the big party, so they need people to staff the place. We were placed where people were needed.

I got placed in scanning tickets to let people through the main gates, AFTER security scanning, from 6 pm to 12 am (which was close).

I worked my shift, met a lot of cool people, and even waved everyone goodbye as they left and directed them to the correct exits after my shift was done because I just liked helping out.

Well, sometime around 12:15, my dad starts calling me because he was my ride home, and he couldn’t find me.

I said goodbye and went to the main curb outside the gates so my dad could see me when he drove up.

This is when 6(?) girls come up and surround me. The girl in front of me starts asking me these questions.

It was like ‘Why are people leaving people inside the gates with no friends around them? Why are people touching people at PRIDE?’

I’m confused. I just got out of a 6-hour shift of taking tickets and talking, and I just wanted to go home and find my dad.

So I just keep saying ‘I don’t know?’

Apparently, that was wrong. She gets increasingly angrier with me, and she then pulls out her phone and records me, in my face, with the flash on. She keeps asking these questions, and it’s basically going in one ear and out the other, and I’m starting to panic.

I’m Autistic, and the combination of being recorded, yelled at, and having her friends corner me is freaking me out.

She then starts asking stuff about security. I don’t.. really know what?

I tell her ‘I don’t know.

I’m not security. I work at the Main Gate.’

And she responds with ‘You work at the main gate and you’re NOT security?!’

(Note: Security was NOT the staff of the festival, it was staff from the company who own the grounds that the festival was using.

You COULD be a volunteer and do security, but they advise against it. Also, the Security had Red Shirts. Volunteers wear lime green neon shirts. I was still wearing my neon shirt.)

More things were asked, I said some stuff, and I tried answering stuff honestly but I think she was trying to lead my answers or something.

Eventually, her friend (?) pulls her away from me, and she stares me down.

I think I blacked out for a second because I didn’t even see them leave. I pull my phone out and I missed a couple of calls from my Dad. He picks me up and he’s ticked off, because of the traffic.

I haven’t told him what happened, but I texted my mom about it and she said it was ok and would end better tomorrow.

It’s stupid, but I’m scared to go back because I don’t want to be cornered again by those girls.

And I don’t want to leave the main gate position because I love seeing all the people come in, and I made friends with the other volunteers and a veteran guest who had trouble getting back on the grounds.

But I’m still scared of seeing them.

I can’t get it out of my head. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:


OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope the rest of your pride month is much much better and affirming, and celebratory – it is radically wonderful to be yourself.

You are not a jerk for volunteering.

You would not be a jerk if you decided you needed a break from volunteering.

They didn’t give you a chance to understand what they were asking about, and they didn’t need to take out their anger or whatever it was on you.

You’re not at fault for your dad’s annoyance with traffic either.

Traffic is annoying and your dad won’t blame you for that. Your mom also is supporting you even if it’s to say it will be better tomorrow.

Is it possible to speak to someone at the organizers – on the phone, an email, whatever you are comfortable with – to explain what happened, explain that you don’t understand the issue, and want some time off, or see if there is something else you can do to volunteer from home? I think this would a.

Let people know there is an issue where people are accosting their volunteers aggressively and b. Allow you to see how you feel about going back depending on how you feel after the call/email.

You are not wrong for volunteering.

You are not wrong for participating. Wanting to be a part of pride is absolutely your right, it is what people have fought for. I hope even if you step out of volunteering for now you do get to experience the march/parade, and that you can do this again in the future.

One bad experience CAN overload us and shut out all the good parts, I mean hoping that as time goes by you feel the good parts more and can go back.

Good luck and Happy Pride Month!” ReadingRoutine5594

Another User Comments:

“You’re NTJ, it sounds like you were targeted by someone who has a beef with Pride for whatever reason.

I’m sorry you got caught in the crossfire.

As an older gay cis-dude who still volunteers at my area pride festival, I appreciate your willingness to be of service to the community. Don’t let this put you off from connecting with your fellow lgbtqia+ folks.

If volunteering at pride ends up being too much I’m sure there are other places you can help out. Keep doing you, and thanks for carrying the torch forward – old farts like me need you fierce young folks.” RainbowCrane

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but bring some pepper spray and don’t leave till your dad is there and waiting for you or if you have someone to wait with you. It sounds like they were protestors or just against LGBTQIA+ people and wanted some ‘proof’ that the festival was ‘wrong’.” OptmusJonzz

2 points (2 votes)

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Bubbalou 7 months ago
NTJ. Why didn't you just say you were a volunteer, they needed to talk to one of the planners to have their questions answered and turn around and walk away? They weren't holding you hostage, they were aggressive and it was end of day. I know, considering the details of the situation, it can feel almost overwhelming, yet you could have suggested they come back next day to find their answers. Do you have a plan in place when you're in a situation that seems to 'freeze' you? If you do, execute that plan you start to feel that panic well up inside. If not, think of one or do research in how to pull yourself away from a charged situation to get back to a calm state. Most things are not life threatening. You can do it!
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7. AITJ For Asking My Mom To Delete Some Of My Photos From Her Social Media?


“I (17) graduated yesterday and had an argument with my mom (45) about my graduation pictures. First off, I am a very insecure person. I rarely post pictures/stories online and I am still improving my confidence.

On the other hand, my mom always posts pictures and uses social media, she’s very active online. We already had a conversation about ‘consent’ and made a promise about asking me first before she posted my pictures on her page.

So after my graduation, she let me pick the pictures that she’d post online.

But the thing here is she added more photos of me without my consent the next morning. Some pictures are so ugly and I don’t want my distant relatives and friends to see them.

Some pictures are not for sale (it was a screenshot that was taken from the photographer’s website) and it’s not allowed since we didn’t pay for them. I politely told her the reason why she had to delete some photos.

A few minutes ago, I asked her if she deleted them and she said yes. I checked the post and it’s still there. I told her once again but she started shouting and threatening me of deleting the whole thing.

I tried to explain my reason and calm her down but she just kept raising her voice at me. I cried. She asked me why I am like this and why am I making a big deal about it.

I don’t know why she had to add more on her social media. She already got a lot of positive reactions and greetings yesterday, why add more? My mom said it’s a memory to remember.

I know how proud she is of me, but I want those memories to be just for us, not her 500+ friends on social media.

I was hurt because she broke our promise. What also hurts me is she started talking about these random valedictorians from different schools/countries during our family dinner right after she showed us an online picture of her friend’s daughter who’s a valedictorian (she graduated last month) and talked about her non-stop.

I feel like crap and it seems like I didn’t enjoy graduation due to our argument. Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:


They are images of yourself. A lot of people do not want images of themselves on the world wide web.

Your mother should respect your privacy, security, and wishes. She can be proud of you and show others in varying ways.” crybryant1972

Another User Comments:


She clearly cares more about likes online than your comfort and the way you described how she treated you once you asked her to take them down? That is not okay and does not seem like a rational reaction.

Would she feel the same if she was in your shoes?” sorryformyopinion

Another User Comments:


My mom and MIL post the most unflattering photos of me online and I hate it. I’ve made it clear that they need to ask permission before posting photos of my daughter because I’m not letting them do the same to her.” thebreannashow

1 points (1 votes)

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ankn 7 months ago
You made a deal and she broke it. Stay out of camera range in future.
1 Reply

6. WIBTJ If I Miss My Friend's 21st Birthday?


“I’ve known my friend for almost 5 years now. We’ve helped each other through a lot of hard things in life. Granted I know if I state my age people will just say you’re young and I don’t know what hard is but it’s been stuff that sticks with both of us to this day.

For context, I missed her 20th bday cause I was away at university and didn’t have the money to travel back to go or afford the bday plans. I promised her that I would be at her next bday cause I missed this one of hers and she really wanted me to be there cause she said it would make her day.

Now 6 months later, some university friends and I booked a holiday completely last minute as my friend was completely in love with it.

But I completely didn’t realize that I would be away for her bday until after I booked it. And I know it will really upset her so much that I won’t be able to go to it.

I feel bad enough for not remembering but I just assumed my only problem would be money.

I currently have a job (previously I didn’t) so I just assumed I would be free to go to her bday. I feel like what makes it even worse is that she tells me about most steps she has taken for her bday like booking the venue and who she wants to come and she even sent me the video of her posting the invites.

It was when I received the bday invite by post (just by looking at the invite you can tell she was super happy about it) that I remembered the date of her party and that it clashed with the holiday I booked.

To clarify the invite came after I booked the holiday.

I don’t know if she’ll be super angry at me for this. I know she’ll be upset but I just know she’ll be really disappointed about this especially since I’ve been away at university and not seen her as much as I would like to.

I’ve only put the deposit down of £40 so far for the holiday which to me as a university student is a lot of money.

So I don’t know if I should cancel the holiday, ask her what she would prefer for me to do or just tell her I won’t be able to make it cause I messed up and I’m really sorry.

I especially don’t want her to think that I’ve gone to university and made friends and forgot about her.

I do call her or she calls me almost every twice a week. And we message regularly as well. I just honestly don’t want to be a bad friend or lose her over a stupid decision I made without thinking.

Also to add on cause I know people will ask, I’ve always been bad with remembering bdays for all my friends.

I only ever remember the months and not the dates. My family’s bdays are the only ones I know off by heart honestly. And when I was booking it I mainly thought about my sister’s date which I do remember.

Which led to me completely forgetting about my friend’s bday.”

Another User Comments:

“This is a tricky one. You obviously really care about your friend, which is lovely.

Soft YTJ for not putting something in place to ensure you didn’t forget her bday…

particularly as it’s so important to her. I’m bad with dates too, so I have calendar reminders (with multiple prompts in weeks before… I’m that bad)!

I think your best bet here is to be honest & have a heart-to-heart with her.

Explain what happened & then discuss possible solutions. You just have to be prepared for the possibility that you might not like her answer – (telling you to cancel your trip).

It all depends on how important she is to you.” Aliceroo76

Another User Comments:

“OP, try swapping this around.

A truly treasured friend missed your birthday because they couldn’t afford it (completely understandable and NTJ) but promised they would go to your 21st (which is a milestone birthday so even more important).

A year passes and your treasured friend now can afford to come to your milestone birthday but decides to spend that money going on a trip with other friends.

…Of course YWBTJ.

It sucks that you forgot the clash of dates but now you’ve remembered, you are deciding what is more important to you.

Going on a trip, or sharing an important day in your friend’s life, which you assured her you would be at.

The choice is yours.” 1randomaustralian

Another User Comments:

“YWBTJ if you break your promise (you already know this, I’ll wager).

£40 is not worth losing a friend over. Try to find someone else to go on the trip and take the loss if you can. I assume you have a smartphone. Take time to learn to use the calendar app and invest in some time management training. These will likely be useful skills in your adult life when things like double-obligating yourself could cost you lovers and careers.” MuskyLion

1 points (3 votes)

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tami 6 months ago
YWBTJ….cancel the holiday. You promised.
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5. WIBTJ If I Told My Dad About My Mom's Savings?


“Backstory: My (25m) dad (67) is retired and doesn’t make too much money in his retirement. I didn’t grow up in poverty but for everything that I wanted to have, like a PlayStation 3 or a Guitar, I had to pay half from my own savings.

We also never went anywhere besides my grandparents’ place for summer. They aren’t struggling with money now but they had to take out a small loan to pay off some car repairs a couple of months ago and they don’t really buy ‘nice things’.

They have sent me some money in the past, like 100 or 200GBP so I could buy myself something, my dad always knew about it and it always felt a bit weird, to be honest but I could never argue with it and they helped us move country by sending us money for moving companies, etc.

Now to the actual WIBTJ: I told my mum (59, retired at 25 due to MS, stuck in a wheelchair) that I was thinking about going back to Uni and starting to apply for the semester of 2023.

She texted my fiance (25f) three months ago that she had saved up 4.000GBP somehow, this money wasn’t earned by my dad, no idea how she saved that money, to be honest, but I suspect that the money came from my grandma (99), and asked that if we came to visit soon, she would give my fiance the money and she should not tell me as it should be a surprise.

My fiance felt VERY uncomfortable and denied it, saying that she doesn’t want anything to do with it and my mum should tell me everything.

My fiance told me right away and told me what she told my mum which I am grateful for and she also asked me not to tell my mum, which I didn’t do. Months have gone by, I applied to the Unis, waiting for the results if I can enroll, after a call with my parents this morning, my mum texted me privately, telling me about the money and saying things like ‘Your dad doesn’t know about the money and he has no reason to.’

After calling her back and grilling her about the origin of the money and asking her why my dad isn’t supposed to know AND telling her that she should keep the money, she just locked up and said I should think about what I wanna do with the money and how I can take it on a plane without getting it nicked.

My fiance and I are stumped and we are debating if I should tell my dad, as they have been married for 26 years and with everything getting so much more expensive I think they should keep it or at least talk about the money so he can make a decision as well.

Would I be the jerk if I told my dad about the money?”

Another User Comments:

“You are already TJ for even thinking about your mom like this. She’s not a child you need to tattle on to your dad.

All your mom wants is for you to be happy. She has been retired since age 25 and is confined to a wheelchair. Did it occur to you that she may have felt sad that she couldn’t do more for you? She saved whatever she got to give it to you.

Obviously, it will cause a problem for her if you report her to your dad. It’s like she’s not an adult, not allowed to give her child a gift, without approval from the Family Committee.

You won’t get this until you have kids, but it makes her happier to give to you than to do for herself. If she wanted to keep it, she would have. You acknowledge dad is a little careless with money, so you want him to grab what she saved and have him get angry with her? She’s a human being doing an amazing job of gifting you with uni funds, and all you can think about is how to make her life tougher?” LasVegasMooie

Another User Comments:


Maybe she saved it over the years. Maybe it came from grandma. Maybe she doesn’t want your father to throw it away on something wasteful and this is her way of contributing to your future.

Highly doubt it came from something nefarious.

Frankly, I think if you tell him you would be worse than a jerk. I think it would totally betray her and get in the middle of their marriage where you do not belong.

Pay for your own education if you are so concerned.

But let her have her money, wherever it came from.” Msmediator

Another User Comments:


The money sounds sketchy. Don’t take it.

Too many secrets and drama – I suggest not engaging. It’s between your dad and your mom.

Go to University and pay your own way.

Good luck!” Embarrassed-Sweet905

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, many many women, especially stay-at-home mums spend their married lives squirreling tiny amounts of money away that eventually adds up over the years.

It is an emergency fund or even an emergency escape fund and almost always is hidden from the husband. If the guy knows about it inevitably he will want to use it to mend his car, pay off a credit card, etc. Many women were taught by their own mothers to squirrel away little bits and also give money for their child’s fund.” Successful_Syrup2503

1 points (3 votes)

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leag 7 months ago
Grow up and get your degree the way my brother did. Work full time and pay as you go. It took him 10 years but he received his bachelor's and when he passed he was debt free. Ywbtj if you rat out your mom. Mind your business and receive the money graciously. If you can't do what I suggested.
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4. AITJ For My Father's Day Gift?


“About 6 years ago I (40f) sold everything I had and moved back home to help take care of my mom. I had a riding lawnmower and had no problem doing my lawn with it.

Since I moved home we have a decent-sized lawn that’s all uphill. I have a horrible history with push mowers. I’ve tried them and hate them. It wasn’t an issue since my father, now 75, was always able to do the lawn.

He’s one of those old guys that can never sit the heck down. But last year he got terrible sciatica so we hired my niece’s partner to do it. This year they broke up.

I decided that I was going to buy a riding lawnmower this year for my father and say it was for his bday as well as Father’s Day.

My dad loves riding lawnmowers. He used one at his job before retirement all the time, and would re-mow my lawn… we even used to send him pictures of Forrest Gump on a riding mower.

I have 2 older brothers that for every holiday ask me what they should get him.

For Christmas this year my one brother (who lives out of state) sent me money on Christmas Eve and just told me to add his name with mine on our parent’s gifts. Ok… no problem.

So I texted both my brothers (the one out of state is a literal MILLIONAIRE BTW) and said, ‘I’m buying dad a riding mower for bday and Father’s Day.

Chip in what you can if you want in on it.’ Like I didn’t ask to split the cost equally or anything. They said no and the brother out of state said I was lazy for not wanting to use the push mower and that this gift is for me.

Anyway… dad and I bought the lawnmower yesterday and he thinks it’s too much for me to afford on my own and offered to pay for some of it.

I said fine. I’d put it on my cc and he could pay me $600 as he can. Maybe $100/month if he’s ok that month.

He’s so excited. He ran over to our neighbors and bragged.

Made social media posts and all that. So my millionaire brother called me a jerk for making my father buy me a riding lawnmower because I’m fat and lazy. When in truth my father’s not going to let me touch the lawn with the shiny new mower.

But I don’t know… I don’t think I am but maybe I shouldn’t have allowed my dad to put anything towards it. I await your judgment.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – You gave your dad the gift of being able to do something he loves, makes him feel useful and gives him a sense of pride.

My parents’ late neighbor was the same way, and he even mowed the unoccupied field behind their neighborhood for fun. Good job, you.” pezfan

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It was a very thoughtful gift. And your father offered to pay for some, you didn’t demand it.

It sounds like Mr. Millions is jealous that all his money can’t buy the kind of joy your dad got from that mower.” TinyRascalSaurus

1 points (1 votes)

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rbleah 7 months ago
You? NTJ Your brother? BIG JERK
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3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share A Hotel Room With My Mom's Partner?


“I (21F) live with my mom (37F). I love her very much and I am incredibly thankful for everything she does, including letting me live with her.

Our AC busted in the Florida heat so we’ve been staying at a hotel the last few nights.

It sucks and my mom is clearly stressed.

I’ve been trying to be helpful, buying meals and offering to pay for the rooms, but things got a little heated today.

My mom’s partner said that his grandma is moving out of her RV and offered to let us stay in it till our ac gets fixed, which is very nice of him.

The problem is that my mom texted me today at work saying, ‘by the way my partner is staying with us at the hotel tonight,’ and… I’m not cool with that.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the guy, I just don’t know him.

I’ve only met him twice. I already have trouble sleeping in a hotel bed, there’s no way I’m getting any sleep with some dude I barely know in the room.

I told her this and she got ticked off at me.

She said I was being childish, rude, and ungrateful. We went back and forth for a bit and I told her, ‘I don’t want to keep arguing. Fighting will only make this whole situation worse.

I just want you to understand my feelings about this.’

It didn’t help, and she kept going off on me. Eventually, I just told her, ‘if you want him there that bad, fine. I’m just not happy about it,’ and she still insisted I was being ridiculous and ungrateful.

At this point, I had to go back to work, and I was just thinking to myself, ‘is it really that big of a deal to not have your partner over for one night.’

But at the same time, I started wondering if I was actually being unreasonable, as it was just one night.

My coworkers seem to be on my side but this entire situation just sucks. Now no matter what happens, I’m the bad guy and she’s gonna be mad at me all night.

Am I being a jerk?”

Another User Comments:


Of course, you feel uncomfortable sleeping in the same room as a strange man, most young women would. Just because your Mom loves you both doesn’t mean you and her partner have the sort of relationship that makes this ok.

Maybe someday it would be no big deal, but right now it is a problem for you.

Can you sleep over at a friend’s this evening?

Could you go home or did the landlord bust out a wall or something that prohibits you from entering while they make the repair? I’ve never been to FL, but I’ve lived in an apt that got up to 99-102 degrees inside and had no A/C…

and I’m alive and well.

Editing to add, PLEASE DO NOT DO LET THIS HAPPEN. Something feels very off. Why isn’t your Mom spending the night at his house, while you stay in the hotel? This seems like an unsafe situation for you – hopefully, that’s not the case but it’s much better to err on the side of caution.

Go stay in your hot oven of a house, stay with a friend, get your own room in the motel for the night – just don’t get manipulated into spending the night with a strange man.

There is no logical reason for him to spend the night with his partner and 21-year-old daughter in the room, it’s creepy that he wants to. This is not a good situation.” CarrieCat62

Another User Comments:


This ain’t alright. You’re not a kid. She did not ask you if you would be okay, she informed you of what she was going to do, and expected you to accept it like a minor with limited way to refuse.

She’s not being reasonable in bringing someone you don’t know well or trust to a place you will be the more vulnerable while sleeping.

That is a teenager tantrum level! Why isn’t she going to his place? That would be the obvious.” The_real_Psu

Another User Comments:


Nothing wrong with being uncomfortable sharing an unfamiliar room with a man you hardly know. And there’s nothing wrong with sharing that with your mom. Must she have him over tonight? You could go back home. Florida was inhabited before the development of AC (though perhaps not comfortably).” deathtofumanchu

1 points (1 votes)

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rbleah 7 months ago
And the more I think about this the creepier it sounds to me.
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2. AITJ For Getting Angry At My Fiance?


“My fiance (m32) and I (f30) have been together 6 years and lived together for a majority of that. We were very transparent upfront about our histories, and how our previous relationships ended.

My fiance has ASD and is very upfront when he communicates, very black and white.

He is rarely dishonest. This ASD does not affect physical touch (he’s quite affectionate), but he struggles with social cues and appropriate social behavior (manners, accommodating others).

He told me that he and his ex lived together but he would sleep on the couch to avoid her when it was ending because he couldn’t stand being around her.

We rarely fight except for this situation.

Throughout our relationship, he has shown an affinity for sleeping on the couch. He will be just sitting playing on his phone or watching TV, and I will prompt him to come to bed, he will say no, and I will ask what the difference is between being on his phone on the couch or in our bed.

This annoys him and he will say he just doesn’t feel like going to bed right now. What’s worse is when he falls asleep watching TV and he says he isn’t sleeping, then falls right back to sleep and stays there; this happens about 5 times per month.

He has even snapped at me when I’ve tried to say ‘you’re clearly asleep, just come to bed.’ This has affected our intimacy as well.

My fiance has said that it is not personal and that he just happens to fall asleep watching TV.

I have said that I dislike it and that I’d like him to make an effort to sleep in our bed with me. He purchased a TV for our bedroom in hopes we can do a ‘final episode’ in bed.

He never uses it and thinks I need to stop taking it personally.

Every few months, it hits a point where I SNAP and remind him it’s affecting our intimacy and my self-esteem, so the behavior improves for a few weeks.

I’ve asked if he wants separate bedrooms and he has said no, that he enjoys that we share a bed. We bicker a lot about it, but I lose it monthly. I have been getting upset more frequently since he suggested we start TTC but does not come to bed.

Some of my friends think I’m overreacting, and that if he’s saying it isn’t me, he has no reason to lie.

My point is that if it bothers me this much, he should make an effort to improve the behavior.

AITJ for snapping on him, and expecting this behavior to change?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Are you his mom? He doesn’t have to go to bed when you say.

Maybe he just wants to stay up later sometimes.

Personally, I think this has become a sore spot for you because he told you that ‘avoiding going to bed together = it’s over’ in his last relationship, and you’re inferring the same thing for your relationship.

But trying to force him to go to bed at the same time as you is NOT going to prove that everything is fine–but continuously fighting with him about it might very well make him want to leave.

You’ve turned this into a relationship test and it shouldn’t be.

You know he’s honest to a fault, and therefore you can probably take his word for it when he says he doesn’t want to go to bed yet, and there’s nothing more to it.

Back off. You live together and have the rest of your lives ahead of you. Don’t smother him and dictate his behavior. I doubt you would like it if you had a partner who was doing this to you.

We all know that a big red flag is a partner who tries to be like ‘You have to do what I want, or it means you don’t love me!’ You need to cut that out right now.” Empty-Masterpiece242

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but you need to drop this.

Your fiance falls asleep on the couch five times a month, let him be!

Also, I want to say as someone on the spectrum, I sleep on the couch almost every night, even though I have a bedroom.

I love the feeling of the back of the couch behind me – it feels very stable and cozy, and I get my best sleep with that soft-yet-firm support behind me.

It’s possible you two could find a bed with something similar.

It sounds weird but there might be something like that out there. In the meantime – please let your fiance be where he is comfortable.” HomelyHobbit

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but… I suspect your partner just doesn’t have good interoceptive awareness of being tired.

He feels not tired, not tired, asleep. Whereas you go from not tired to knowing you are tired before you fall asleep. This is common for autistic individuals and people with ADHD. I’m autistic and sadly have chronic insomnia but my partner would fall asleep on the couch all the time after insisting that they weren’t tired… drove me crazy. Improve the interception and this will improve.” Delicious_Wish8712

0 points (0 votes)

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TeaLikeTheDrink 7 months ago
NTJ for how you're feeling, but YTJ for continuing the fight. I go to bed every night and end up downstairs on the couch because I have problems sleeping upstairs in bed. It literally has nothing to do with you and you should try to find a way to accept it.
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1. WIBTJ If I Told My Mom I Didn't Want To Be Around Her Friend?


“So some background. First of all, I (M 22) don’t have a problem with most of my mom’s friends regardless of not agreeing on politics and sometimes getting into arguments about it, I could just leave if I wanted the conversation to stop.

My issue is with her best friend who she’s known my whole life. I recently found out a lot of information about her that I’m not very comfortable with. Apparently, she is in an open relationship with her husband, who I’ve always really liked.

While that wouldn’t be an issue on its own their agreement is that only she is allowed to sleep around, and to my knowledge, he has spoken about his discomfort with it. She also made him reverse his vasectomy even though he didn’t want to have more kids after his first marriage, and now she barely takes care of the kids.

Every time I’m at their house she makes the dad handle anything with them, even if they come directly to her with something.

Now honestly this much was tolerable. My main issue is with her treatment of her middle child.

A few years ago they came to the realization that they were nonbinary (not really sure the best terminology to use here). They hid it from their parents for close to a year and their parents only found out because the school sent a letter with their new name (also not sure of terminology here).

The dad is a republican so it wasn’t a surprise when it took him some time to accept it but he eventually accepted that his child was the way they are and he couldn’t (and didn’t need to) change that.

However, the mom is a democrat and a feminist. So it was a large surprise that she didn’t immediately support her child.

To this day their relationship is strained even after she accepted her child. They had years of intense fights about it to the point cps was called, and the child briefly lived elsewhere (parents’ idea).

Some more important info is that I am currently not on speaking terms with my father because I can no longer be the bigger person and adult and don’t want a relationship with him where I always have to just let go of any problems I have because he’ll never fix them or even try.

So I am very sensitive about family issues at the moment.

So here’s where I want to know AITJ. I have been very upset about this (my mom is well aware as I basically threw a fit about it last week) and want to tell my mom I don’t want to be around when her friend is.

To clarify I don’t want her to not invite her as they are very close, like sisters. All I want is to be notified so I don’t have to be in the same room with her one friend.

My main reason for wanting this is because I have a bit of a temper and I’m unsure if I’ll be able to stop myself from screaming at her upon the slightest provocation (which isn’t uncommon as she is very vocal about her opinions).

Just want to know WIBTJ if I did this.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you’re choosing the high road, and trying to avoid a sticky situation.

I was in something similar when I was a teen but I didn’t have the option of leaving, so I was confined to my room (Which is an awful thing when you can’t live in your own home).

You don’t have to like your mum’s mates, or the way they choose to live, and not being in their company is the best way to handle it in my opinion.” but3rf1y

Another User Comments:

“NTJ! I think you’re actually more grown-up than all of them.

Avoiding people who bring only bad energy into your life is healthy. You don’t have to like everyone that your mother likes. Actually, you’re not obligated to like ANYBODY for that matter. Also, can I just say, as a feminist myself, we don’t claim her.” Acrobatic_Peanut9433

Another User Comments:


You’re setting up boundaries for what makes you uncomfortable and the friend obviously makes you uncomfortable. Letting your mom know about and expressing why is the right thing. You’re trying to avoid conflict that can easily be avoided if you’re not in the same room as the friend.

Just stay up in your room or go to a friend’s house if needed.” EmotionalTackle

Another User Comments:


You don’t get to pick your mother’s friends. Why are you hanging around, getting all up in her business? At 22, spend time with your own friends.

You can leave a room if it contains someone you don’t care for. But you need to stop trying to control everyone around you.

Hint: that control thing? That’s you, needing to fix what’s wrong with your own life. Put all that energy there.” Little_Outside

-4 points (4 votes)

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leag 7 months ago
Ytj. Her business is not yours to mind. When her grace enters the same room you are currently the center of attention in you can graciously leave. Especially if it's at Your mother's home. Grow up, son.
-2 Reply

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