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NTA. Kids aren't pancakes. If you screw it up, you don't just get to toss it out and make another.
You did nothing wrong. Lap swimming and competitive swimming are not the same thing. And your right, you would have noticed hitting the lane rope. I'm a decent swimmer, but I tried lap swimming on no sleep once (do not recommend), and started going a little wonky. I think I hit the lane separater twice. It was very jarring and very obvious. If there's one thing you learn about gym pools, it's that you have to share the lanes!
However a child comes into your family, it's your child. Full stop. You have (essentially) adopted him. You are his father. Full stop. If your family can't accept your child, they don't accept you.
YTA. To do all this without giving your wife any explanation is deplorable. You didn't even ask him! You should have told your friend, "I really want to accommodate your sensory needs. But I can't do that without explaining to my wife why. Otherwise, it just seems like I am catering to you and disrespecting her for no good reason. Are you ok with that?" Then he can decide if he should go to a hotel or stay with you.
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