People Wonder If They Are Right In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Join My Stepsister And Stepmom's Girls Day?
“So I’m (15m) not a girl. But I do like a lot of stuff that people would consider “girly”.
I think it’s dumb to label stuff that way but it happens, it’ll always happen on some level and I’m used to it.
In February 2020 my dad got remarried to Shauna. Shauna brought her 3-year-old Missy into the marriage. Dad brought me and my older brother Devon (20m).
Our mom died 7 years ago and Missy’s dad left Shauna and didn’t want to have any part in Missy’s life. When Shauna and my dad first got married/moved in together (it happened at the same time) Shauna’s niece Lizzie was around a lot and basically like a daughter to Shauna and a sister to Missy.
But a year ago Shauna and Lizzie had a huge fight and Lizzie is no longer around. Missy misses her a lot. Lizzie did not stay in touch with Missy.
Dev doesn’t live with us and typically when I see him it’s because he takes me out and spends time with me and I stayed with him a few times as well.
But he doesn’t have a relationship with Missy so she’s never included in that. He’s also not that close with Dad. So he doesn’t visit us all much.
Ever since Lizzie stopped seeing Missy she’s been struggling a lot and Shauna and my dad both try to involve her in extracurriculars or friends to help make up for the loss of that relationship.
Missy asked me to go for a girl’s day with her and Shauna. She said I’m her brother now and she’d like it if I joined the girl’s days since I like baking already and shopping. I told her it was nice for her to invite me but I didn’t wanna go.
She asked how come and I said I like doing other stuff on my weekends. She begged me to come and said I never spent any time with her (this is true) and asked how I could be her big brother if I never spent any time with her or gotten to know her.
I told her some real siblings don’t spend time together.
She told Shauna I said no and Shauna asked me why I couldn’t spend a few hours getting to know them and she told me it meant a lot to Missy. I told her I knew it did but I wanted to do other things.
She asked me why I didn’t want to make Missy happy and I told her it’s not my job. She spoke to Dad about it then and the two of them tried to talk me into going. Dad said he wasn’t going to make me go because it would upset Missy more if I was being forced and it was clear.
He told me after everything Missy has been through it would be nice. He said she gets upset when I go with Dev and she gets left behind. He also told me I could be the big brother to Missy that Dev is to me and I’d have a brother and a sister.
He also told me Shauna and I might bond and maybe I’d see her as more like a parent instead of just like his spouse.
I told them I still didn’t want to go. Shauna told me I could have made Missy so happy by saying yes and rejecting it was rejecting Missy.
Dad told me he was disappointed I couldn’t find any wish to spend some time with two members of my family. They also explained how wrong I was.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Would it be nice if you spent some time getting to know them?
Sure. But a girls’ day may not be the best time to do it. Mostly because their activities are not ones you enjoy. What exactly will you get out of that? And of course, you’re going to like hanging out with Devon more. You grew up with him.
On top of that, being the same gender and having only 3 yrs between you means there’s a better possibility of overlap in interests.” AffectionateCable793
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe make a compromise and play a few games with her when you have time. She’s just trying to build a relationship with her, I think it’s sweet, and from experience the more you shut her down, the more it will play on her confidence in her later life.
If I could go back in time I would show my brother more love and kindness. I resort to bullying him constantly now, like play with me!! Now he understands how annoying it can be to be forced to hang out lol. Are there any hobbies that she can take up as a class or something?
She sounds like she needs a few friends to be around.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But your stepmom sure is. She’s weaponized her toddler to get what she wants. Her mom destroyed her daughter’s only friendship and is unable to find any other parent who has children her daughter’s age to hang with or even set up play dates with.
You aren’t your step-sister’s emotional support animal, and you aren’t an appropriate replacement for a 4-year-old girl. And you aren’t there to make up for your stepmother’s social deficiencies.” AdOne8433
17. AITJ For Not Paying For My Drinks On A Date I Didn't Enjoy?
“I (20f) went on my first outing I had with a guy (22m). I met him online and with text we clicked pretty well. I asked him if he wanted to grab a drink sometime and he said yes.
We went to a bowling hall and I wanted to just have one or two beers. That’s it! I didn’t want more beverages.
When he arrived the click I thought I had, was gone. The way he acted and the things he did were different than through text and he told me all kinds of stories that gave me big red flag energy.
Now here’s the deal. On the outing he order everything. He didn’t even ask what I wanted to drink, which was a red flag in my eyes. He never asked if I even wanted beverages. He started with a few shots. I didn’t really want shots but it already arrived and I kinda feel obliged to drink the shots.
But he kept secretly ordering shots and after the 5th shot, I told him that he needed to stop ordering them. I wasn’t planning to get intoxicated and just wanted to have a great time. He told me he got all those beverages because that would give us a great time.
I was a bit confused at first but I think he wanted me to get completely intoxicated. Maybe that’s what he thinks is fun or maybe he wanted to do something, but I told him that it wasn’t my way of having fun and I won’t drink any more beverages.
I never wanted all that in the first place.
After an hour we left the lane and he insisted on paying for today. He said, “Next time is on you”. When I told him that I wanted to pay my part, he refused and said that this one was on him and that next time I had to pay.
The thing is that I don’t want there to be a next time. I have no intention of ever meeting him again. I know that may sound extreme but I just have a gut feeling.
When we were walking to the train station (so he could get home), he offered a second outing.
For some reason, I said yes, and now we will go bowling again next week. I wanted to say no, but I think I got scared.
Here is where I think I’m the jerk in all this. He went home probably thinking it went great.
I didn’t say how I felt and that I never wanted to see him again. I just said yes to the second outing. I went home and I messaged him that we had a great time, but I didn’t think we matched. He asked me why and said he had a lot of fun.
When I told him that his lifestyle may be a bit extreme for me, he asked me to pay for my part of the drinks. If I wasn’t going on a second outing he didn’t want to pay for me. I refused. I told him I never wanted to drink anything I drank that day so I won’t be paying.
It wasn’t fun for me! I told him that I did offer first, but that he didn’t want me to pay, but now all of a sudden he does. It just felt like he paid because he wanted to force a second outing on me.
I blocked his number now but I think I should have done things differently. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This guy sounds like a total creep who was trying to get you smashing intoxicated. You did what you had to do to stay safe — who knows how this guy would have reacted if you said “no, thank you” to the date he suggested at the end of your first one.
Don’t pay him. You insisted on paying your half on the date, but he kept refusing, and I understand not feeling like having to say “…because I don’t want a second date.” Guys out there….. if a person is insisting on her desire to pay for herself when you want to cover the whole bill on a date (particularly the first one), it may well be because she isn’t interested in going out with you again and/or doesn’t want you to have expectations.” fallingintopolkadots
Another User Comments:
“NTJ he assumed you wanted a second date without asking. he paid for the first date on that assumption. He isn’t entitled to more time with you. there is nothing wrong with saying yes to appease him in the moment and keep yourself safe.
You offered to split it, which is great etiquette. He ordered drinks without considering what you wanted. In my experience, most cool, dateable people will ask for a second date by text the next day because they get that there’s pressure when you ask in.
Especially cool dateable men. I hope you have many good dates in the future OP.” morgana_banana_420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He was trying to get you intoxicated and take advantage of you. But girl..if you don’t want to do shots, don’t do them.
5 shots is a lot of beverages. It takes one drink one hour to metabolize. That could put you in a dangerous situation. And given the fact he was already making you uncomfortable, I’m guessing it wasn’t going to be a good situation if you got too intoxicated and were unable to function.
I know it’s hard to say no sometimes, but learning how to say no, especially when you’re around a stranger, with beverages involved, you need to have a backup plan when you go on dates. Whether that be your text calling someone, or even just simply excusing yourself to the bathroom and leaving if you can.
Even letting a bartender know that you’re being pressured to drink and you need a way out without the person you’re with knowing is an option. Do whatever it is you need to. I’m glad you got out safely.” AsparagusOverall8454
16. AITJ For Letting My Husband Struggle With Kids And Work After He Said I Do Nothing All Day?
“I’m 31F and my husband is 36M. We have two boys, a 5-year-old and a 7-year-old. My husband works in an office and he has the option to work a few days a week from home, but he prefers not to because he says it’s easier to focus in the office.
I run a small business from home. I don’t have a lot of daily work, just some emails and planning (maybe 3 hours a day?) but the business does makeup about a third of our household income. But my younger son is home all day and just dealing with him takes a lot of energy.
He’s high-energy and will probably wreck something if you leave him alone for an hour. And then the older one comes home at 3 and both of them are with me until 8 or 9, which is when my husband usually comes home. A few days ago, I was really tired and I didn’t make dinner.
When my husband came home I asked him if we could just order something. He was also tired and we were both short tempered so we ended up snapping at each other.
He said I should have at least ordered before he got home and he was hungry, I said I forgot and it’s not fair that food is always my problem.
He said that I’m home all day and I even admit I don’t have much work to do, so I’m a SAHM and should at least take care of dinner. I said he had no idea how much I do every day, and he said he’d handle the kids for an entire day while also working from home just to prove it should be easy for me.
I said sure, so he made the arrangements to work from home yesterday.
I slept in, and when I woke up he was already frazzled from getting the older one ready for school. He ended up having to cancel a meeting to make breakfast and was worried about that.
Then when he took another meeting later on, the boys went out to play in the yard and got super muddy and left footprints all over the house. which he then had to mop, and I didn’t help at all. By this point, I did feel sort of guilty because it was harder for him to take care of work at the same time, but all I wanted was an apology.
He said he was doing this to show that I do nothing all day, and if he just admitted he was wrong I would have helped out straight away.
Later on, he had another meeting, and he told the boys not to bother him for an hour.
But about 20 minutes in, they got into an argument about something and our younger one went into my husband’s room to complain. He was loud and my husband’s video was also on, then he told the kid to leave him alone but he was upset and crying and wasn’t listening.
After a few mins, my husband went back to the meeting and apologized to the other people. when it was finished, he was really angry at me. he said I could see what was happening and I just watched him struggle without helping. I said all you had to say was please help, he said I shouldn’t be so petty and prideful.
This probably made him look a bit stupid in front of his manager, but it was only a few minutes and I don’t think it was the huge deal he made it out to be.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and if I’m not reading the post completely wrong they’re your husband’s kids as well?
So not sure why point 1. is worded as it is with the “I didn’t step in to help when *my* kids were disturbing him…” He said he could handle it, he couldn’t – that’s on him.” KarinmedQ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He deserved a little comeuppance.
If he doesn’t come home until 8-9? You are a single mother, working part-time, while taking full care of two small children, and maintaining an entire household… with no help from him. You’re allowed to occasionally be exhausted. He was a jerk for making you feel guilty about one dinner.
He was an even bigger jerk to insinuate that what you do is no big deal. The icing on his jerk cake was claiming he could easily do it. Mess around and find out. *With so many people working from home now? People understand there’s a slight possibility a kid will interrupt something.
It was likely no big deal to his meeting. And he deserved it.” Desperate-Film599
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. “He said he was doing this to show that I do nothing all day.” Automatic jerk energy there. “He was really angry at me. He said I could see what was happening and I just watched him struggle without helping.” What you could see was what your day-to-day life is like, just starring him for a change.
“He said I shouldn’t be so petty and prideful.” Look who’s talking!” Dittoheadforever
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you need to stand your ground. The facts are he asked for this, so he got what he wanted. You gave him a day with the kids whilst working and he couldn’t do it.
The worst kind of people are those who can’t admit they are wrong, he is being wrong and loud, trying to turn this into you being petty, he made the rules and now he’s mad that you’ve followed them. No, he is an ungrateful husband.
It sounds like you’re a single married woman, you’re doing everything whilst also working. Why does he come home around 8-9? It also means he isn’t calling to check in because he could have known to order food before coming home. You’re doing everything and he also wants you to anticipate his thoughts which contradict his words.
You need to stand up for yourself, he should become an equal partner, and active parent and respect your contributions, because, honestly, you seem to be managing fine without him, he needs to realize that.” Ok_Boat_1243
15. AITJ For Telling My Stepsister I'm Moving Out For College?
“Three years ago my dad got married to Erica and Erica moved in with her daughter Liv (8f). Erica has other kids as well. She has three with one guy, two with another guy, and then Liv with someone else. Liv’s dad is someone Erica has a long relationship with and she was unfaithful with both her ex’s with Liv’s dad.
So Erica’s other kids dislike Erica, Liv’s dad, and Liv. I met them a handful of times and it’s so clear. Whenever they’re around Liv they tell her should’ve never been born, they call her affair baby to her face and they mock her and say things to make her cry.
Liv doesn’t get why they dislike her. She hasn’t figured out what they mean by the affair baby comments and Erica does not want to tell her. Erica’s other kids also tell Liv how terrible her dad is how he didn’t even want her and he’s the worst person alive so she must be disgusting and unlovable.
Erica knows what her other kids say but they rarely see Erica so I guess she can’t do much. Her three older kids are older than me, I think. So yeah, there’s a lot of really messy stuff going on there.
When my dad and Erica got married they asked me to please be kind to Liv and to please step up and see her as my sister.
I (17f) am kind, but I don’t have that sisterly bond with Liv that they want me to have. I told them I didn’t feel that way about her when they called me on not putting more effort into the time we spent together. Sometimes I’ll watch a movie with Liv or let her play video games with me.
But they wanted more and they told me doing more was the only way to make sure we never went back to her being just my stepsister, which is why I explained I didn’t have that “sibling” bond with Liv. They didn’t say much else after I told them this.
Their only comment was basically well you’re all she has and she’s all you have.
My dad has told me a few times not to mention to Liv the fact I’ll be going to college in the fall and moving out of the house. Liv has become very attached to me and she has told me how she wishes her other siblings would spend time with her, didn’t hate her she talks about me being her best friend and she calls me just her sister and how she wishes we could spend all our time together.
And it kills me because I’m not planning to come back to Dad’s regularly. She won’t be able to sleep in my dorm for my freshman year but I won’t be living in the dorm my entire time at college and I don’t want to promise she can visit when I live in an apartment.
I brought this all up with Dad and Erica and they refused to tell Liv I’ll be moving out even though I move on June 19th. So the other day when Liv was trying to ask me to do stuff with her all summer I told her I wouldn’t be here and that I was moving out.
She told me we could have sleepovers when I moved out and I told her that wouldn’t be possible. She got really upset and Erica was furious she told me I was supposed to be the sibling who doesn’t let her down and Dad said I disobeyed them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ What were your dad and Liv’s mum expecting? That you would pack your bags on the 19th of June and then… what? Were they going to keep telling Liv that you’ll be back ‘tomorrow’? They are not doing Liv any favors by not allowing her to build her own life without siblings.
There are a lot of single children out there who live perfectly happy lives. Kids don’t need a ‘sibling bond’ to have full lives. Liv should be empowered to live her own life and bond, or not, with her parents’ kids in a healthy way instead of pining for relationships that will likely never exist.” RMaua
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad and stepmom make things way harder for Liv by pretending nothing will change and not telling her this kind of stuff. She asked you, you didn’t want to lie to her. This was the only real response you could give her.
It is lovely of you, that you look after your step-sister. Even if there is no sibling bond between you. Tell your dad and your stepmom, they should encourage Liv to join some clubs at school or other hobbies, so she can get friends her age.
If you want, you can also go shopping with Liv or surprise her with a sweet stuffed animal. And tell her something along the lines: ‘I’m sorry, I will have to leave for school and we will only see each other when I’m able to make it home.
But if you feel lonely there is this plushy to show you, that I like you and you can cuddle with it while I’m not around.’ (or even buy two similar stuffed animals, who are siblings – like two lion cubs or so. And you would take one with you and she has the other one to show a sibling bond)” Trevena_Ice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Erica sounds like a real piece of work, so I’m not sure making *any* sort of long-term plans that involve her being in a stable location is worth making. What she is doing, with dad’s encouragement, to build up all of Liv’s hopes and dreams around OP is abusive and lazy.” ABeerAndABook
14. AITJ For Leaving Home While My Family Was Away After They Overworked Me?
“So I (now F24) grew up in a strict Christian household, with a tightly knit family. Wasn’t allowed to do much outside of school and church. And this continued until after high school. I was forced to babysit my siblings for free, and since my parents worked during the day, I had to take night and weekend classes in college to get a degree for myself but still be able to help my family.
I had scholarships and was able to pay for everything without my parent’s help, but my dad wanted me to get a job to “help out” with rent and so forth. I agreed as I did feel responsible, being the eldest of four and all.
So my parents and three siblings were living in a two-bedroom/one-bathroom apartment, and I worked my tail off in all aspects. I did chores, and childcare, worked part-time, and did college full-time. I had no social life because I had no time for it.
And my parents heavily controlled my whereabouts daily.
As I progressed through college my grades started declining, because I was looking for more hours to work and had less time to study. So I decided to drop out of community college and just kept working until I got a full-time job that paid well.
By then my mom had quit to be a stay-at-home mom, and me and my dad were the main breadwinners (although my dad never wanted to give me credit for helping so much). Since I had good credit and work history, my parents were planning on having me buy a house for them to live in, and have me live in the basement until I could “maybe” move out.
So after an argument I had with my parents about wanting to get a different job and try and move out, I decided to pack my things and leave while they went on vacation with the little ones. And when they came back to see that the stuff that I paid for was gone, they were furious.
They sent me long messages about how I was selfish and inconsiderate, how I didn’t care about my younger siblings, and how I ruined the family. It took a lot for me to leave but it was the right decision, and they were only planning to use me for my resources and not treat me as an adult.
That happened last August, and my parent still text me saying how I made a bad decision, and it makes me feel bad because I did help out A LOT. I was paying my dad $550 every two weeks (since my checks were weekly), I was still helping with chores and childcare, and I always was home.
I would help pay for family vacations, and get everyone Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, and birthday presents. They also compare me to my sister who had moved out six months before me (also on “bad terms”), and my sister never helped as much as I did.
But all the anger from her moving out, plus my wanting to move as well, made it impossible to live with them. Any little difference in opinion would spark a long religious lecture. Any time I spent “too much time” to do an errand they would question me.
I got so tired of the control they put on me for no reason because I wasn’t a bad kid, I always did what they wanted…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You need to cut them out and block them, it’s hitting your mental health and hindering your growth.
I understand that you have been gaslighted so much by them over the years that you can’t see them for who they are. You should look at parentification, I’m pretty sure you’ll check the boxes. Take care of yourself away from them, they were ruining your future for their benefit.
Don’t feel responsible for them, they are the parents, not you. And if or when you can, see for a therapist, you certainly have more to unload than you think.” Far_Dependent_8975
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your family sounds toxic af. You should research parentification.
You became another parent and had no childhood because your parents treated you like an adult and put way too much responsibility on you. Don’t let them guilt you into believing it’s your responsibility to take care of them. They’re the ones who decided to procreate and have kids.
They should have been the ones providing for them- not you.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Sorry you were made to feel that moving out while the family was away was the only way you could “escape”! But good for you for leaving these people who seem like they don’t appreciate what a good and helpful daughter you’ve been.
(Also, I’m betting there’s no need for your mom to be a stay-at-home mom anymore since 2 of you are old enough to be out of the house. If they need extra resources, she should get a job.)” Robbes_Watch
13. AITJ For Refusing To Explain My Failing Grades To My Stepdad?
“I am an 18-year-old girl who’s currently in her senior year. Let me preface this by saying my stepdad has been in my life since I was about 4. I started working late in my sophomore year, almost two years ago. My parents always told me I wouldn’t be allowed to drive unless I had my car.
There was a point where I made a bet with my stepdad I would stop eating my work’s food (I work in fast food) for about a month and a half if he bought me a car. I won the bet. When I reminded him of the bet, he told me he never said anything like that.
Whatever. So July rolled around and we started car shopping, and we did end up finding a car. We found a Camry. My stepdad and I made a deal saying he would drive the car to work until I got my license, but for the time being, I would help pay $200 a month.
Yesterday, I had worked an 11-7 at my work. I was tired and over it. Dinner rolled around and my dad was a little tipsy (he loves whiskey and Coca-Cola mixed), and playing some of his music. OAR started playing and my mom asked if one of my history teachers played OAR during the passing period.
I said yes. My dad then pipes up and says aren’t you failing history? I said technically no. I said it’s AP Comparative and I’m not technically failing, and I’m struggling with college algebra. Algebra has been a pain all year long and the highest score I’ve gotten is a C, math isn’t my thing.
He starts to lecture me saying he’s never gotten an F in his life and asks me to explain why I’m failing. I told him no. I wasn’t going to explain. He got offended and asked why not. I said because I’m tired of explaining and him still not listening.
He got even more offended. My mom was listening to the whole thing. I explained I’ve been trying to improve those two grades, and I stay up late to study, I do all the homework, etc. And he then asks, “Have you tried talking to your teachers?” I have gone to my math teacher to be like hey what am I doing wrong?
I explained that. Still said I was giving excuses and not trying hard enough So I said I was done. I told him I didn’t need him comparing himself to me, and at this point, I started to tear up. He started asking if I’d ever heard the term “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you”, and I said yes.
It’s not the first time he’s said this to me. And he said you don’t understand the meaning of it then. I said I do, but I just don’t care anymore. I reminded him I also paid for the car because he started threatening to sell the Camry, and he said it didn’t matter.
He started threatening me, and I said I don’t care anymore. I went downstairs to my room.
When I got into my room, all the wifi had been turned off on my devices. I haven’t had wifi in over 24 hours now because he controls it all.
I remember hearing my mom defend me. Today, my mom told me he’s been made an offer on the Camry. I started crying, I still don’t have my license. I need the car. I want to drive. I don’t know what to do.
So, AITJ?? Should I apologize?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Doesn’t matter how you handle a grown man who is bullying you when he’s tipsy, he’s going to find a way to fight. If you’re 18, you’ll need to get away from this house.
Stick with school, maybe community college next, find other students to rent a place with, but talk with your school counselors, and find help to move forward.; you might be eligible for a grant or other assistance. You’re doing a lot for yourself by working and going to school, and it’s not uncommon to struggle with math, not a reflection of your worth or your attitude.
Hang in there. You’re already handling so much that when you’re able to get yourself in a better place it will feel so good, and you’ll be an experienced problem solver compared to people your age who were given so many more advantages.” Auntie-Mam69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your stepdad just wanted a nice Camry to drive for free. And now he is going to sell it and drink away the proceeds, because you KNOW he will find a reason to not pay you back the funds you paid for the car. Get your bank account, get your license, graduate, and get out of that house.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ What you should do is pay for your car and keep working so that you can pay for things yourself. It doesn’t matter if it is cheap. It will be yours. Anything that comes from him is going to be subject to conditions and being taken away.
I don’t think I’d put funds towards anything, including a car that he has total control of. Also, I doubt you will get anything back from what you put in. You don’t mention the cost of insurance or any loan on the car and 200 a month to drive a car seems reasonable.
You need to start working towards independence. Having a plan will help you to cope mentally with the current control tactics.” AdAway593
12. AITJ For Snapping At My Mom For Consistently Forgetting My Birthday?
“I (16f) am turning 17 in two weeks on the 26th, and my mom keeps forgetting my birthday.
Now, it’s funny when people joke around with you, like my aunt loves to ask me “What prizes did you get on my birthday?” But my mom says she’s joking but I know she isn’t.
My mom, and dad have been divorced my whole life, She has been in and out of my life for everything. When she wants to be there she will be there if not, I won’t hear from her for months.
So every year when my birthday came around I would get a call from my mom saying “Happy birthday!” and every time I would tell her “My birthday was yesterday” or “That was last week”
After every phone call, I would hear my dad yelling at her since she kept calling on the wrong day, or something like not coming to my birthday party, cause she thought it was the next week.
It didn’t bother me then but when I got older it kept making me upset, I would cry to my grandma and my dad, asking why I was always forgotten, why my brother, and sisters got to celebrate their birthdays, why couldn’t I?
why was I different?
Then on my 16th Birthday, My Mom didn’t message me, so I called her, and after we talked for a bit she said My sister needed her and hung up. Not once did she say happy birthday.
Then about a month after that phone call she knocked on my door, with balloons and a cake, saying “Happy Birthday”
I was livid and burst into angry tears, I shut the door and ran to my room, everything else was a blur but I remember my dad talked to her and the next thing I knew, she called apologizing.
Then on Saturday, she texted me saying “Happy early birthday!
what do you want to do on your birthday?” I told her I wouldn’t be in town cause I had a school trip then a dance, then she said “I won’t get to see my baby on her birthday? and yes I do remember, it’s the 27th of April, so don’t go complaining that I always forget cause of course I know the day my first daughter was born.”
So I snapped and said “It’s nice to know your mother, can’t stop enough to remember her daughter’s birthday is on the 26th. So how about you call me back when you can remember to be a part of your daughter’s life for once.” and I hung up.
She ended up sending me and my dad dozens of messages, and a novel to me on why she would always say my birthday was the 27th, and that was because “She was so much when I was born, it messed with her brain”
She even said let’s celebrate on both days and make that tradition for the 27th to be just for me and her, but I know it’s just an excuse to make up for her forgetting every time.
I did apologize for snapping at yesterday and told her I just needed time to clear my head, so I told her I would take her to lunch to make up for my actions, and she agreed.
Well at lunch, she asked if I was excited about my birthday on the 27th, so I told her to not start this again, but she told me how guilty I made her feel, and that I should be ashamed of my actions.
So all in all AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ She doesn’t care enough to remember your birthday. All those reasons are just excuses. Don’t let her make you feel bad op. She doesn’t want to admit she’s in the wrong so is trying to guilt trip you.
Also, Advanced Happy birthday, hope you have a nice day with your dad.” Klutzystar_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If people care they will show you they care. I’m assuming she has a cell phone. So nothing is stopping her from putting an alarm on the calendar for the 26th saying it’s your birthday.
Stop putting hope in her remembering or caring. I know it hurts—I’ve had people who said they were friends or family who couldn’t remember, and eventually, I learned that my position in their life wasn’t high enough to be taught to them.
So I stopped letting them have importance in my life. I returned what they invested in me (or didn’t). Just focus on your siblings and your dad. If she says your birthday is the 27th just pull a straight face and nod and don’t react.
Part of me thinks that she purposely does it to make you upset and fight with her.” Terra88draco
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, her guilt is her problem. Does she feel guilty? GOOD. Proves that on some level she knows she’s a despicable human being.
But instead of admitting that and working on improving herself, it’s easier for her to attack you into making you ‘admit’ that ‘you’re the problem’. She’s wrong, utterly and completely. There are tons of ways to make sure you remember someone’s birthday, there’s ALARMS you can set on your phone for the day of or even weeks in advance so you can prepare.
I’m so sorry, and I sincerely hope you never message her on her birthday. After all, why would she be upset if it’s ‘not that big a deal’?” I_wanna_be_anemone
NO just stop.. I know she's your mother however she's CHOOSING a not to be present unless it suits her. Maybe your best bet would be to cut her off for a while.. make HER a work to prove she really wants to be part of your life and as for the 27th BS that's exactly what it is.. maybe remind her that the WHOLE FAMILY know shes a crap mom to you and that her guilt is just that HERS... if she chooses to ignore the fact she has an older child then IMO it's your right to forget you have a mother..
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Reconnect With My Biological Family?
“Ever since I (29f) got married four months ago my ILs (60s) have brought up the fact I didn’t invite anyone from my biological family to the wedding and have asked me why I don’t at least attempt to reconnect with my half-siblings.
I explained to them that I did not feel it would be worth my time. My ILs argued that it has been more than a decade since I last saw or spoke to any of them and a lot of things could have changed in that time.
They told me they see how longingly I look at my husband and siblings sometimes when they’re being typical siblings or how I stare off in the distance at times when we’re all together and I experience being part of a happy family with them.
They say they know I long for that with my own biological family.
I admitted to them that I wish it had been possible but I know in my heart of hearts that it’s not possible and I found acceptance in that a long time ago.
I feel I should touch on some background here. My father was a married man when he met and had an affair with my mother of which I am the result. His family found out about me when I was a baby or a toddler and his marriage ended as a result.
His other children were in their teens at the time and they hated me for being born. I have several scattered memories of them. I never lived with them. But I saw them on occasion when I was with my father. They were hateful, they were cruel, and they made it very clear to me at a very young age that they did not want anything to do with me.
My father would whine for them to be nicer. But he never really stood up for me and he never tried protecting me either. My mother grew to resent me for the ending of the affair/her relationship with my father. She treated me terribly from middle school onward until I cut off all contact when I was 19.
I was 17 the last time I saw or heard from any of my half-siblings. I was the same age the last time I heard from my father or saw him.
I explained my background in more detail with my ILs. They knew I was an “affair baby” (a term I hate because I did not choose to be born to a married man and another woman) but not how much the disdain expressed in my childhood.
My ILs asked if I had tried reaching out to my father’s ex-wife because surely she would want her kids and me to have a better relationship. But if I couldn’t reach her, they said they bet my half-siblings have been waiting for me to make contact for years and would love to know me today because of family.
I was startled by how naive they sounded saying all this. I told them there was no way the ex-wife would help because she hadn’t wanted me anywhere near her kids. I also told them my half-siblings were all older than I am now when I last saw them and they still hated me so I held no hope for change.
They told me I didn’t know and I told them I could not afford to be as naive as them. They were hurt I called them that. My husband told them it was naive to think the way they did.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s so weird how people with normal or healthy families try to project that healthiness onto other people’s toxic relationships. I’m so sorry for the hand you were dealt. It wasn’t anything to do with you and your parents are jerks. Your half-siblings are just as bad.” Tough-Combination-37
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are naive. And also cruel, by rubbing it in. In those cases I usually say – “I know you mean better, but you don’t know better.” They were not there, and they didn’t meet your extended bio family. You have.
Tell them what they are doing is kind of like telling an amputee to try and walk without crutches or a prosthetic, because “maybe it’ll work this time, you don’t know it won’t”. You do know. They are the ones that don’t.” moominsmama
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Some people just want to dream of fairy tales and butterflies they can’t possibly fathom the cruelty someone suffers from abusive parents and siblings whether half or full b***d. “Oh but honey you don’t know that they could have changed” So the flipping what?!?!
it has been over a decade what is there to reconnect over.” MyriadMalice
10. AITJ For Refusing To Travel 200 Miles To Apologize After An Argument?
“This all took place about 4 months ago when me(19m) and my closest friend(19m) got into an argument. We were both intoxicated and I had just gotten out of a breakup so I was in a bad mental place, and he was spending the night at his crush’s place in uni.
While staying with his crush he messages me complaining that the drinks were making him angry over the fact that he didn’t have a chance of getting with her. This was mostly because he never made a move and practically refused to believe he would have to put any effort into getting her but that instead, she would just come to him one day.
I had made it clear that I was not in the right head space to give advice and had come off all social media except for WhatsApp so my friend could message me because I knew he struggled to be alone and I was his only friend at the time.
Yet he would still come to me asking for advice and would get mad that my outlook was depressing.
During this conversation, as I was trying to calm him down, he brought up the fact that I’d become bad at helping him and that he had replaced me with a girl who had led him on for 2 years beforehand, whom I also had to get out of his life on his request.
Eventually, he went from saying I was depressing to just attacking me about my insecurities. He would say stuff like my dad is right I’m just a parasite that wouldn’t amount to anything other than being a substance user (I have a history with substances which he had seen me battle before and at the time was relapsing mostly due to the break up).
At this point, I got fed up and started to argue back saying things I knew would get under his skin, which I admit I shouldn’t have done but you have to understand that I was intoxicated and fed up with the attack I was receiving.
After some time he blocks me and I don’t hear from him for a couple of weeks. Until one of our mutual friends calls me and gives the phone to my friend. He says he’s still mad but is willing to talk it through and that he expects me to show up at his uni 200 miles away to apologize.
At this point, I was fed up that he was willing to risk throwing away a 7-year-long friendship over an intoxicated argument that we both should have just apologized in the morning and hugged it out whenever we saw each other. But instead, he decided to block me and all our friends and refuse to talk to any of us.
About a month after this phone call the mutual friend messages me again asking when I will go down to apologise to him. I told him I was too busy to see him as I now have a job and would meet him whenever he’s back in our hometown where we both tend to be at the same time.
I don’t get a response and get blocked by a mutual friend.
In my eyes, I shouldn’t have to apologize since I wasn’t the one who started it and on top of it he just expects me to put all the effort in while he sits at uni comfortably.
Am I the jerk for not doing the journey to make up with him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Here’s why. Normally I say that you can just be the bigger person and honor the years of friendship. In this case, he knew you were in a bad place, and instead of being sympathetic he brought his drama to you and attacked you for not being there for him.
To let bygones be bygones, he’s demanding some sort of in-person pilgrimage instead of just talking about it over the phone and buying each other a beer the next time you see each other. This is a VERY one-sided friendship, in favor of him.
Level up, OP.” vinnie_barbell_ino
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, because that is a ridiculous request. But it sounds like neither of you is very good to the other. Based on what you’re saying you guys have some built-up resentments and you’re also willing to dig into old wounds to hurt one another.
Is that a friendship you want to continue?” Subject_Dish_873
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, that is not a real friend. It’s time for some new friends, maybe with some people at your new job. Please set better boundaries for yourself, you deserve to be treated with love and respect.” Zcout8
9. AITJ For Insisting My Sister Changes Clothes To Avoid Bed Bugs In My Apartment?
“About a year ago I (21) moved into an apartment with my husband (21).
I moved out of my mother’s house and into my brother’s house at 16. So this is the first place I can call mine.
My mother had a hoarding issue and often picked up things off the side of the road. Due to this habit, we ended up getting bed bugs and to this day my mother has and continues to do nothing about them.
That is the main reason I chose to move out.
With that said, I told my sister she could visit while she was in college and closer to us as much as she wanted, as my other three brothers who do not live with my mother come and visit regularly.
I have had no contact with my mother since moving out.
Recently my sister has moved out of the dorms and back into my mother’s house.
When she lived in the dorms, I didn’t have to worry about her bringing bugs, as my mother refused to visit her in college, and my sister didn’t bother to go home unless it was needed for emergencies.
Due to her moving back in, I told her that she had to change in the guest bathroom, which is directly next to the front door, before actually coming further into my apartment. And leave her clothes in a bag outside my apartment. I purchased multiple things for her to wear, in her size and her style, at my house, because of this rule, I know it wouldn’t be fair to expect her to buy clothes she will only wear at my house.
I have spent over $200 for her to be comfortable in my home.
I also explained my reasons to her multiple times, bed bugs have left me with a lot of anxiety and stress. They are also hard to get rid of.
She came to visit on Wednesday, when she arrived I was running errands, so I told her to let herself in with the spare key I gave her, I reminded her that the clothes for her were in the linen closet, and I even bought new hoodies for her to try.
When I came home, she was sitting on my couch, in clothes she arrived in, with a blanket she had brought from our mother’s house. My sister isn’t a very feminine person, and her wardrobe is very small, excluding the things I keep at my apartment.
So I know these are clothes she’s worn in our mother’s bed bug-infested house.
I panicked and told her she had to get off the couch and change, immediately. This upset her and she started to accuse me of calling her filthy, nasty, and other words.
I tried to explain to her again that bringing things from our mother’s house could risk bringing bugs to my apartment, and I could be evicted for it, not to mention I’d just rather not have bugs again, they are incredibly traumatizing if you’ve ever had them.
She accused me of being paranoid, and essentially called me a jerk. She left with her things, and I had my husband take apart the couch and take it to a storage unit when he got home.
Since then I have gotten a few messages from other relatives, telling me I had no right to kick my sister out of my house.
So, am I the jerk? How do I explain myself to her better about my reasons?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Bed bugs are a nightmare and your sister needs to understand living with them is not normal. You were gracious in letting her into your home and she needs to respect the rules.
She needs to understand you are not judging her hygiene, she came from an infested place. Vacuum the couch and the room immediately. As for the blanket and clothes she currently has, a hot water wash and dry will kill anything that might have clung on to her.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ She disrespected your house rules. You didn’t kick her out; she refused to comply and left of her own volition. Send a group message to all those who wrote you stating there are bed bugs in your mother’s home. You invited your sister to come & bought clothes for her to change into.
She arrived with a blanket from your mother’s home, sat on your couch, refused to change, verbally assaulted you, and left on her own. You didn’t kick her out. Let them run with it once they get your side of the events.” lilolememe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, bed bugs are so, so hard to get rid of, and they are nasty to deal with. My family got them some years ago, and it took months to fully eradicate them. My mom still has her mattress in a fully enclosed protection bag.
I don’t blame you for not wanting that to happen again. If your sister can’t abide by your rules, I would suggest not allowing her to stay with you. Your mental and physical health is not worth it.” Aeronautics_4
8. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out Of My Grandma's House Because I Feel Taken Advantage Of?
“I’m 27 and I moved into my grandma’s house with my fiancé and two kids to help care for her.
She had 6 months to live 6 months ago and signed herself off hospice so now I have no help at all. One thing I can’t stand is her fireplace is on no matter how hot it is outside. It’s so hot that we have a hard time sleeping at night.
And no one wants to visit. She does everything she can to get to her vices but acts like she can’t throw her wrappers in the trash or rinse out her milk cups. She has also refused to shower since the hospice left. I do all the cooking and cleaning and I do everything she asks.
Mind you, to move in here we had to clean 3 bedrooms and a living room upstairs and spent our finances replacing flooring. I had no help physically or financially from my dad or my grandma. Since January we have paid about 3k fixing a house that’s not mine.
Her house was built for her and paid off already. The house is in my dad’s name. He told me if I stayed to care for her I could live here when she passed away and only have to pay the insurance and taxes yearly (along with my utilities etc.) and he is apparently in charge of repairs and mowing the yard.
He hasn’t fixed anything or mowed the yard since we got here. This house is trashed. It was built in the 80s and has no upgrades. My uncle who has substance issues lived here for years and tore up the yard and the house pretty badly.
90% of the damages and trash are from him.
My dad and I got into an argument a couple of days ago because I asked if he or my grandma could replace 30-year-old washed-out gravel that has a plastic liner exposed. My dog keeps tearing it up and chewing on it.
The gravel has been washed out for about 10 years now.
I was told my dog dug up the gravel (she did not and if she did I would pay for it) and that I had to pay for it. I told him I’m not paying for anything else right now in a house that’s not mine and may never be mine.
I don’t have any finances and I already spent finances to move into this house and take care of his mom. I am providing her with a service she obviously can’t afford- I did not come here to take care of her and pay for everything.
Washed-out gravel is basic maintenance and upkeep on a yard that has to be replaced every so often.
He told me I was ungrateful and that I should move out and never come back. I’m confused about how I’m ungrateful for moving in here to take care of HIS MOM.
I feel like I’m being taken advantage of. And with my dad acting like he is now not mowing the yard or replacing things he’s not going to do anything once she passes away. He is acting like a slumlord. This house is trashed already and if he doesn’t want to help me fix it (it’s his house) why should I live here and pay his taxes and insurance??
Am I the jerk for really wanting to move out and not come back? I want to save up finances and get another place and not even tell anyone just move and not come back.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Only you know what you can handle, emotionally and financially, and what you can’t.
It doesn’t sound like you’re particularly close to your grandmother but rather that you agreed to the situation in the hopes of being able to get to live in the house for cheap after she died (which she hasn’t done in the time promised). However, from the way you describe your father’s behavior, I wouldn’t bet on him following through with that promise; it sounds more like a carrot he dangled to take advantage of you and get the responsibility for his mother off his back.
That poor woman; you all sound more concerned with her house than you are with her. Bless you for taking care of her all the time, but if your heart’s not in it, please do everyone a favor and move out. BTW, she keeps the fireplace on because old people are cold All The Time.” wisewoman707
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, move out and let him deal, with the mess he helped create by not maintaining the place. He prob is planning on dumping it on you or dumping you when she dies. You get nothing either way but he gets out of taking care of his mother.
Just tell him the way he is taking care of his mother is how he is going to be treated when he is in her position, he is setting the example for you to follow for his elderly care.” ConfusedAt63
7. AITJ For Replacing The Birthday Gift My Husband Bought For His Sister-In-Law?
“This coming weekend we are getting together with my husband’s family at his mom’s house. My husband, my BIL, and BIL’s wife all had birthdays in March so this is kind of a get-together to celebrate them all at once.
Last week I asked my husband if he had bought gifts for BIL and his wife and my husband said no. He said we’re all in our 30s, we don’t need to buy gifts for birthdays anymore. I told him that if we show up and they have gifts for him then it’s going to look bad if we didn’t get anything for them, too.
He said “Fine” and told me he would look for something for them.
The next day he told me he put some things in our Amazon cart for them and noticed that I had some things saved in there and asked if he should just get everything at once.
I told him to wait because there were other things I wanted to get first. When I looked at what he bought, I didn’t think the gift he got for BIL’s wife was very good.
It was a desk calendar with silly daily affirmation quotes.
I didn’t feel like he put much thought into it and it wasn’t something she would use. So, I canceled that gift and got her some skincare items instead. I left the gift he got for BIL alone, though.
The package arrived yesterday and when he opened it he mentioned to me that his gift for BIL’s wife hadn’t shipped yet so he would wrap BIL’s gift and wait for the other to come.
I looked at what was in the box and told him that the skincare items were for BIL’s wife.
He said he thought I bought those for myself because he already got BIL’s wife a gift. I told him that I got her something different because I wanted to get her something she would use.
He got kind of upset and asked me why I even asked him to get her a gift if I was just going to pick something for her myself. I told him that his gift was OK, but I didn’t think she would use it and I didn’t think it was a big deal.
It kind of turned into an argument with him being upset that this was another example of me making him feel like my ideas were better than his. He brought up a few times in the past when he had an idea and instead of just going with it, I either changed it or came up with something else.
He told me that sometimes he wants me to just say “That sounds good” instead of needing to have things “my way.”
I apologized and told him that we could order his original gift idea and I’ll use the skin care stuff and he told me not to bother.
He said I already made him feel like crap and he doesn’t want my pity. He told me I should just do things myself if I don’t trust him to do things so that he doesn’t waste energy on things I’m just going to change anyway.
I told him I didn’t think it was a big deal and that it was just a birthday gift. He said if it was just a birthday gift, then why did I feel like I needed to supersede his idea? I told him his gift for his brother was a good one and he said “Oh, gee, thanks” really sarcastically.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ I mean… I see his point. If you are going to treat him like a child and approve and override his choices it is far less degrading to just take it over from the onset. What you did was give an assignment he didn’t think was necessary.
You did though, so he found a gift. You then screened his choice, deleted it without speaking to him about his opinion, and replaced it with what you found that is better. Yes, if you don’t trust him to do things, just do it yourself.” LadyCass79
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I had an ex like this many years ago. She was constantly “correcting” the way I did things. The way I washed a dish. The way I folded clothes The way I DROVE (this one always made me fume). The way I washed the car.
The thing is, the way that I did all these tasks was PERFECTLY FINE (and is still the way I do these things today). The only problem with them was that they were not the way that SHE did it. She was very much a “My way is not only the best way, it’s the only acceptable way” kind of person.
This was exhausting. It sounds like you have a bit of that going on. It doesn’t sound like there was anything wrong with the gift he selected, other than that it was not the gift that YOU would have selected.” ChrisMartin_1978
Another User Comments:
“NTJ why should SIL be stuck with a subpar gift that you know she won’t use because your husband is lazy?
He first tries to stiff his family members on their birthdays and then does the minimum effort Amazon search. He should be happy that you are making him look better to his own family instead of throwing pathetic tantrums.” recurred
6. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Hire A Servant If She Wants One?
“I (20M) still live with my mom (42F).
I know it’s generally seen as weird to still be an adult and live with my mom, but unfortunately, it’s for financial reasons. It’s a lot easier to live together and contribute to the bills than to find a place on my own, or with roommates.
If I could, I’d have moved out a long time ago. Anyway, I’d like to start this by saying my mother is incredibly lazy. I’m not saying that in a physical sense, because she works out as much as she can. She doesn’t like doing anything for herself.
I need to bring her snacks, I need to get her water, I need to get her meds, I need to go to the store, I need to do her laundry, I need to do everything for her. Unless I’m not at home, considering I work full time, just like her.
From the minute I wake up, to the minute I go to sleep, I’m her servant. She works from home. I work during the week and have weekends off, and so does she. I clean every single day, and she cleans maybe on Sundays, but she only cleans her room.
According to her, I’m responsible for every mess in the house (excluding her room), so it’s my job to clean it, despite never being home. After work she reads or watches TV, after work, I continue to work. I have to beg to have a day off to relax.
I should mention that I do pay expenses too. I contribute $200 a month towards utilities and phone bills. She hasn’t asked for more, and I’m certainly not offering her more.
Being her servant has taken a physical toll on me. I’ve had a hip condition since 2020, and the work has only made it worse.
All the going up and down stairs, back and forth from her room to the kitchen to the living room, etc. I legitimately get yelled at if I don’t come fast enough when she summons me. She invades my room and refuses to leave if I’m too slow.
She rarely cooks dinner, it’s even rarer that she’d do something for me if I asked. The only time she took care of me was after my unsuccessful hip surgery, and even then I had to quit my crutches a week early to keep up with her demands.
I understand that I’m an adult, but I’m extremely exhausted. Whenever I try to bring up how unfair this is, I always get the “I’m the mother, you’re the child. It’s a privilege that you still get to live here” excuse. My final straw was a few days ago when she yelled at me for not filling up her water before I went to bed, and she woke up thirsty.
I yelled at her that if she wanted a servant so badly, she could either hire one or pay me the amount she could hire one for. She then got more upset and told me if I didn’t like living here, I could leave, and live in my filth.
I’m now looking for higher paying jobs so I can start saving up to move out.”
Another User Comments:
“Your mom is toxic, and you’re in an abusive relationship. You’re 20 and work full-time. Fill the rest of your time by not being at home. Budget your funds, save every penny you can, and rent a room until you can get roommates and share a place.
Get a second job, if you can, working part-time.” lilolememe
Another User Comments:
“This is the issue with adult kids living with their parents. If you aren’t going to split all of the bills down the middle, including the mortgage, then your parent is going to feel entitled to lord it over you and it’s hard to disagree.
My advice is to move out or start school, or both.” JJQuantum
Another User Comments:
“My adult daughter lives at home. The most I ever ask of her is to pick me up a fountain soda if she’s going to a certain gas station.
Dang. Maybe I should ask more. (I do feed her cat when she needs me to, so I consider it a fair trade. Also, she does her own laundry.)” emc2-
5. AITJ For Arguing With My Dad About My Cat Escaping Because He Left The Door Open?
“I (22f) currently live at home with my family. I am a university student in my last year. To be clear, living at home is the norm for our culture.
I was born in Canada, but my parents were not. The norm is that we stay at home until we A. Can afford to move out, B. Graduate or C. Get married. While living at home, I got 2 cats. I pay for their food, health care, litter, toys, etc. as well as clean up after them.
The only thing my family does is play with them when they want. This is expected since they are my cats. One of my cats in particular loves outside, even though he is a house cat. So when anyone goes outside, I only ask that they be careful to make sure he doesn’t sneak out behind them.
My dad (45m), who recently got home from being away for half a year, seems to have problems with my cats. One thing he said was to keep them only in my room and away from the rest of the house. We live in a 3 story, 5 bedroom house.
They were completely fine roaming around the whole time he was away and the rest of my family didn’t mind. He set the first rule 36 hours after being back. Regardless, I managed to compromise with them still being able to be out and about but me watching them.
Now like I said, I asked that they be careful when going out the door. Today, my dad went out, left the door wide open and my cat got out. He ran across the street into the forest. I didn’t notice for about 20 minutes but when I started looking for him, I realized he was gone.
I spent hours looking for him and finally, a neighbor found him and brought him back. He almost got hit by a car. I was emotional and super worried but very relieved. When I got the cat back inside, I told everyone I found him.
I mentioned to my dad that he got out when he left the door open and asked to just close it behind him next time. He responded by rolling his eyes and saying keep the cat in your room if it can’t watch them.
I responded saying I was in the washroom when he got out. He said that he will not worry about the cats when he goes out and he won’t close the door behind him if he’s coming back.
We started arguing and I was upset but he just said “Good luck with that” and walked away.
Admittedly, I raised my voice and said that if anything ever happened to my cat because of him, I’d never forgive him. I’m so confused if I am being unreasonable or if he is. I don’t understand why he can’t just close the door behind him.
It’s cold where we are anyway and we wouldn’t leave the door open in any other circumstances. He made a point of acting like I was delusional and said that he didn’t care what happened to the cats going forward.
My parents are good but we honestly haven’t gotten along since I was a teenager.
My dad likes to think he’s reasonable but his idea of reasonable is talking to you nicely about his point and if you don’t agree, you’re unreasonable. So please let me know if I am the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and frankly your dad sounds like he wants your cats gone and if this means them getting run over or lost in the forest then he would be fine with that.
He left the door open on purpose. If you want to keep your cats alive, you might need to move. He is not going to be careful, ever.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“Dad’s house. (I assume) He doesn’t want to make accommodations for your cats.
It is up to you to decide what to do about it. Arguing doesn’t make you a jerk, but it isn’t going to solve your problem either. I feel more inclined to make accommodations for something if I feel like the person who is receiving that accommodation is appreciative (not demanding) of it.
Just a suggestion…” Crabman1111111
4. AITJ For Planning A Trip With My Close Friend Who's Now Seeing My Best Friend?
“3 years ago, I met my now close friend Paul when he was vacationing in my country.
We met because we matched on an app, I had plans to move to his country eventually, so we bonded over that. After two dates, it was clear to me I wasn’t feeling any chemistry or attraction, so I asked him if we could stay friends instead.
Paul agreed and we’ve been good friends since.
Fast forward 2.5 years later, I finally moved to Paul’s country, and while I was excited I achieved my dream, in the beginning, I struggled a lot. At that time, the only person I could hang out with socially was Paul.
To be clear, I’ve made an effort to make new friends and now luckily I do, but the first few months were very lonely.
A month later after I moved to Paul’s country, my best friend was suffering from a breakup and I offered her to fly out to visit me.
One night I took her out for drinks and invited my friend to join us as well. They hit it off and started to see each other. I was genuinely happy, two people I cared a lot about got together. During her stay, all three of us went to a concert together, and at some point, Paul and I brought up a trip we had been planning to do for a long time now.
Paul’s hometown is famous for its Christmas market. We had planned to do a 2-day trip in early December and we were trying to find the right dates. While this discussion was happening, my best friend Kate was there as well. All she said was ‘That sounds so much fun, wish I lived here as well so I could come with you guys’.
She never showed she was angry about the trip.
Fast forward a few weeks later, Kate was back home and they were seeing each other long distance(for a month at this point). Paul and I went out for drinks to catch up and look at the train tickets.
When I came back home, I got angry messages from Kate, calling me selfish, and immature and that I had no sense of boundaries. That I was a jerk for going on a trip with her partner. I tried to explain Paul wasn’t just her partner, he was my friend and we’d done a trip together once in the past already, and that, of course, she’d be part of this trip if she lived in the same country as us.
She kept being furious at me, saying I was a drama queen for complaining about not having friends in the new country, and that I should keep my distance from Paul now that they were seeing each other. She admitted she didn’t even want me hanging out with Paul at all and it wasn’t just about the trip.
She felt any free time Paul spent with his friends took away from the time he and Kate had to Facetime. I told her she had zero trust in me and Paul, but she kept insisting it wasn’t a trust issue. That it wasn’t ‘right’ to do a trip together.
I canceled the trip and barely saw Paul anymore. Kate was still angry for a MONTH and refused to let me stay at her place when I visited my home country (for context, I had rented out my apartment when I moved to the new country and we had agreed I’d stay at her spare room whenever I visited).
Eventually, we made up, but I still wonder if AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your friend has jealousy issues and that is an issue that she needs to fix. You two have already established you two don’t have feelings for each other and you did tell her about the trip and she obviously felt insecure about it before so she bottled up all her feelings and decided to tell you once she was tired of it and exploded. It’s not your responsibility to satisfy her insecurity.” Serious_Koala_8751
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for planning the trip with a good friend. Where you became the jerk, is choosing Kate’s jealousy over your friendship with Paul. Kate’s behavior was a full on jerk, and to be fair, Paul will now be worse off with her hoarding his free time and keeping him away from other friends he may have.
My suggestions are this: Apologies for ghosting Paul directly and sincerely. Explain why, and do not gloss over Kate’s actions. Don’t embellish them, but make it clear what she did. Tell Kate that her jealousy and controlling behavior are disgusting and that your friendship is on hold or over unless she can get a handle on it.
You don’t need that kind of BS in your life.” TheMerle1975
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here – OP you are also an ex. There can be discomfort with people doing trips with exes. Personally, that wouldn’t work for me – as a family lawyer a lot of divorces regarding unfaithfulness are about people hooking up with exes.
So I don’t think the best friend is insecure or controlling. I think that anyone Paul dates would not view you as his friend but as his ex. People having boundaries relating to exes is not a bad thing.” Kami_Sang
3. AITJ For Wanting To Announce Our Pregnancy To My Parents Alone?
“Me (37m) and my partner (33f) learned that she is about 8 weeks pregnant.
We are delighted but also terrified. It is the first time for both of us.
She has asked me to not share the news with anyone until we get to about 12 weeks when the pregnancy will be stable. So I have been keeping it, even though I want to share the news with everyone around me.
A key detail is that we are currently long-distance: she lives in the same country as her parents, while I am an expat and live alone. She will move in with me and to our new house in one month.
She decided that she would like to tell her parents about her pregnancy before she leaves her home country so that they can share some of the joy while they are together.
This way she can also do one of the ultrasounds with her mother and experience this special connection. This is all understood, and I told her I support her in how she wants to handle the pregnancy information. She did share it with her parents, and they were overjoyed – the house was in a festive mood, they could not stop smiling and laughing, etc.
I am still under an information embargo though.
(note: I did ask her to let me share with a couple of select people, for my mental sanity, since I needed to be able to open up to a friend. She was fine with it)
Now to the drama.
I asked her if I could also tell my parents, to which she responded that she preferred me to wait for 12 weeks. By that time we will have moved in together in the country where I live. I said fine, but then she asked me to reveal the news to my parents together, she and I.
I can honestly not tell why, but I would like to tell my parents myself. There are no other grandchildren in our family, and I have been living away from home (like three continents away) for the last 12 years. So, in my mind, I want to share this with my mom and dad and also have the same ‘joyous family moment’ as she did.
My partner took it badly.
I think she feels excluded or that I do not want her to somehow be part of my family. Which on my part is not true. I just feel like I do not want this to be a joint announcement sort of situation.
I want it to be intimate between me and my parents, and right after, we could all have a joint video call or whatever.
She is very upset. I reminded her that we did not announce this to her parents jointly. She is saying that I did not express any desire to do so (which is true, I did not even think of it) … but since she is communicating her desire to me, it is different, and I should hear her.
Sure, but I still want this to be my moment with my parents.
When I say it out loud though, “I want to announce our pregnancy to my parents without my partner” it sounds wrong. Somehow it is like I have this righteous feeling of possessiveness over a piece of news/information.
I am conflicted.
Am I the jerk?
Note: she and my parents do not share a common language and communicate via the translator app”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ Having a child is a joint venture and she will be doing all the heavy lifting for the next 9 months.
You are acting like she told her parents without you there just to have a special moment to herself and you KNOW that’s not what happened. You know it was done under special circumstances. If you were living there you’d have probably been involved So don’t act like some child getting upset because someone else got something they didn’t.
Seriously, why would you want to announce this to your parents without the woman you supposedly LOVE and who is carrying the child?” TheSciFiGuy80
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Were you going to fly back to her country to share it with her parents? She’s moving to your country; you can wait and share the joy, whereas it was difficult to do that logistically with her parents.
This is a good opportunity for you to be selfless.” Top-Personality1216
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Her parents probably noticed her symptoms so it would be hard to avoid. Wait until 12 weeks. The pregnancy will be safer for sharing. Wouldn’t you hate to tell your parents too early and then something happens?
It’s not worth the risk. They, and you both, will be devastated.” lenajlch
2. AITJ For Secretly Making Car Payments As A Gift For My Partner?
“Mckaila (22F) and I (25M) met in college and have been together for several years.
We have since both graduated and while she has struggled to find work in her degree field, together we are doing quite well. This bothers her a bit since she is very independent and doesn’t like feeling like a burden. I do what I can to help her feel independent, but I also want to give her the life she deserves.
We have found a compromise in that she is okay with gifts because a gift has no strings attached.
This was tested about a year ago when her car was totaled. She had no way to replace it and had to have a way to get to work and school daily.
I let her borrow my car for a couple of weeks while we figured out what we were going to do long-term.
I was happy for her to drive my car as long as she needed, but she hated it. Every day she felt like she was taking from me and giving nothing in return.
I can and have named a hundred reasons why that’s not true, but she feels like that anyway.
One night she came home in tears and said she couldn’t handle being responsible for something that wasn’t hers anymore. So we decided we would sit down and pick out a car online for her that night.
After narrowing down her options, she fell in love with one that had low mileage and great fuel efficiency. When we went through pre-approval, her heart sank. The monthly payment was way out of her price range.
I offered to split the payment and she immediately refused. She needed it to be her responsibility only.
So I said okay, what if I buy it outright and make it a gift to you? She felt like I was mocking her. I told her I was serious and to at least sleep on it. We talked about it more in the morning and I reassured her that it would be 100% hers, that I wouldn’t sign anything and her name would be the only one on it.
She reluctantly agreed.
I told her I would finish up the forms online while she was at work and we could go pick it up together when it was ready. When I got to the final steps, I selected the monthly payments. I figured if she doesn’t know, she can’t feel bad about me making them.
And if I ever needed to, I could pay it off immediately.
We went to pick up the car and as soon as she saw it her reluctance turned to joy. She was ecstatic and I felt justified in my secret. Everything worked out perfectly.
Fast forward to last week. She comes home visibly upset and before I can ask what’s wrong she throws the folder of her car’s paperwork down on the counter. I say what she already knows and confess that I have been making payments for the past year.
We get into a huge argument and she spends the night at her parents’ house. She has not come home since.
I am prepared for this to be the end of our relationship, so I paid off the remainder of the loan yesterday. I tried contacting her so she knows she can decide what her next step is without being dependent on me, but she still won’t take my calls.
I guess she will find out when she gets the title in the mail.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think she’s ungrateful. But I have met a few people like her before. They feel VERY uncomfortable getting help from others or feeling like they can’t take care of things themselves.
So I can see why she may be a little upset but sounds like she’s going overboard right now. She can be upset but needs to look at your intentions. You wanted to help her. She needed help. She got it and was happy.
You weren’t trying to purposely lie and hurt her. Cars are necessities in certain areas. She’s being silly IMO.” Long_Thanks2419
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but let me explain. * Your partner is having a rough go at her career after college * She’s crazy insecure about her current financial state * At every opportunity, you jump in to “Fix” her financial problems with a hammer solution (I pay for everything don’t worry sweet little inept woman, I (man) will fix.
This is her perspective – I’m assuming) * This makes her even more insecure, making the actual issue (insecurity, not finances) far worse You peaked when you lied to her about it. Not sure why you thought that would go over well. You ignored or didn’t see the actual issue she was having severe insecurities.
“I am prepared for this to be the end of our relationship, so I paid off the remainder of the loan yesterday.” I am nearly certain that this is the end too. Honestly, sounds like it’s for the best. There may have been some communication and self-image issues here as well.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“So you lied and want to know if you’re a jerk for lying, even as the lie is ending your relationship? OK, YTJ I would have said ESH because McKaila sounds extremely immature and unable to be a good partner. She needs to learn that partnerships are a give and take and that it’s ok to rely sometimes on the people you love.
Too bad you chose to lie instead of working on your issues together.” Brainjacker
1. AITJ For Getting My Own WiFi And Changing My Door Knob After Roommate's Mom Paused My Internet Access?
“Am I (25 male) the jerk for constantly doing a bunch of extra stuff every time one of my roommates (50 female) has a problem with anything I do or say?
For extra info, funds have been tight due to a few concerns but I’m set now.
The issues began a good month or two ago when the wifi bill was behind and her son / my best friend (23 male) was short on work, I had said “I would be able to go without it for a short period since a bit of my stuff goes off of wifi but let me see how I’m looking after my bills because I have a few coming up that I can’t push off” acknowledging that I understand what was going on and even promising to throw in some funds for the bill, just asking for her to inform me on when we’d be paying everything so I could budget around what I was caught on bill wise between my car payment, my insurance, and my phone bill on top of the rent and the ever high price of gasoline.
Fast forward a few weeks later and the wifi is off and I had paid off the rent ($400), car payment ($428), and insurance ($250) totaling $1078 leaving me only enough for gas ($35 for a whole tank) as I had been picking up the slack for my friend for the past few months as his department at our job had no work and was, in turn, causing him not to have anything to do.
Upon being asked if I had any to chip in I said I didn’t have anything as I had already put enough in for gas for the next two weeks because the maintenance department is still working to fix things in the building for when the busy season comes.
The bill gets paid and my wifi is still out but my friend is steadily streaming in his room, wanting to be sure I wasn’t having issues I asked if he had any connectivity issues to which he said “No, that’s weird though”. After waiting a few hours I finally asked his mom “Hey is there something wrong with the wifi?
I can’t connect for some reason” to which I was immediately told, “You said you could live without it so I paused you”.
It irked me a bit because I hate when my words get twisted into something I never said. Being polite I asked how much I’d owe and apologized for being short, explaining my situation that had hit the paycheck I had and the only thing I was told was “the bill was $520 and nobody helped me”.
Two days later I asked my friend how long this would continue and he said “Until you apologize because she assumed you didn’t care” Not wanting to apologize I called Xfinity and ordered my service, not telling either of them as I only know it’d make me be the bad guy again.
I had replaced the door knob for my room as I got tired of people waltzing in whenever they’re on a dish hunt which results in their cats getting in and knocking things over. I had only forgotten to bring a dish out a few times but I always get it out the next morning and clean it as I work nights, I’ve also told her I’d wash whatever dishes I used and apologized as work has had me extremely tired to the point of passing out the second I touch my bed”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- BUT start making your exit plan. I’ve been where you’re at and the passive aggressiveness only grows. The fact that you chose to add a whole additional bill instead of having a conversation is pretty telling. You have started a petty competition with the person who owns the home you currently live in.
I promise you this will not end well if you continue playing this game. You’re 25 you’ve experienced enough life to realize this is dumb and unnecessary.” Steezyjo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – with a little bit of Info you purposely DIDN’T write (you are living at your best friend’s mother’s place, with him still living at home… you are a slob and don’t return used dishes immediately, etc.) we know what the situation is like.
PS: Be aware normal rent is around what you earn for a tiny apartment, so getting your WiFi was only a further nail in your coffin of you benefiting from living at a place where someone lets you live because they care for you. Grow up, apologize, and reveal your full financial situation to the mom, so she can make you a suggestion on what she would deem as fair, regarding your costs of utilities in her home.” glitter_n_co
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