People Explain Their Arguable "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
14. AITJ For Telling My Husband To Feed The Baby Himself?
“My husband and I have two children together, aged 18 months and almost 2 months. He works every day but is currently in between jobs and has been home for 3 weeks now. I don’t work or contribute to the household income because I am a full-time student at a university. My husband is extremely helpful with our children and since he’s been home he’s been taking care of them a lot more.
His job is physically draining and he works 12 hours a day so I typically take care of most things to do with the kids, but he will still feed and plays with the older one when he gets home.
Since he’s been home from work he’s been staying up late (like 4 to 5 a.m.) playing games. Last night around 4 a.m. my husband was just getting in bed and he woke me up and told me to make a bottle for the baby and that he would feed him.
I replied that he should just make it himself AND feed the baby and why would he wake me up if he was already awake? He got extremely irate and said that I have no say in what he does with his time and that it doesn’t matter if he was already awake or what he was doing. He thinks that just because he is awake doesn’t mean I am absolved of the responsibility of feeding the baby.
He also said that I will wake him up really early in the morning when our oldest gets up (7:30 to 8 every morning) and that was the same thing as him waking me up in the middle of the night. This turned into a pretty heated argument.
In my eyes, I don’t believe the two are the same at all. He makes a choice to stay up that late knowing that our toddler wakes up at the same time every morning.
Also, I don’t see a reason to wake me up in the middle of the night if he hasn’t even gone to bed yet. I normally wake up multiple times every night to feed our baby, especially when my husband is working.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honey, I looked at your post history and my heart breaks for you. I was in an abusive marriage and people don’t understand that it doesn’t feel as simple as ‘he hit me, I need to leave’ while you are in the middle of it.
In my case, here’s what I did. I was lucky enough that a friend of mine witnessed an incident between my husband and implored me to speak to my mother and therapist about it. He told me ‘just be honest and then be willing to accept help’. I finally came clean about everything and my mother was so gentle with me. She said, ‘how about you come to stay here for a few days and get some rest and we can chat more if you want’.
The ball got rolling from there. Once I was physically away from him I had the strength to break all contact for a few weeks to clear my head. And once he was out of my head I was able to make long-term plans. I was granted a restraining order and we divorced. Luckily we had no children.
Anyway, I see other posters saying ‘leave him’ but I would encourage you to start by simply getting honest with somebody you trust.
I’m now married to a loving man who treats me with respect and has never so much as raised his voice at me, let alone hit me or throw things at me or put holes in the wall.
You aren’t stuck. Reach out.” snackysnackeeesnacki
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. While he was working, this wasn’t his responsibility but now that he’s unemployed, he can’t just play video games all night and expect you to get up to tend to the baby.
On the other hand, this needs to be discussed not at 4 am when you’re both exhausted. Just went through this with my five-month-old; my husband and I have NEVER fought so hard because everyone is tired and you have a screaming baby in the mix. Sit down and communicate how you can split this labor in half until he finds another job. If he doesn’t know how to make a bottle, then either have it ready before bed or teach him it takes 10 seconds to assemble.
Parenthood is hard but so long as you both know what you’re in charge of, hopefully, the home will run a bit smoother.” kupo_kupo_wark
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Hi OP. My husband works long shifts until midnight and stays up until anything from 4 to 9 am. He knows his video games/hobbies/whatever come second fiddle to our KIDS. He is well aware that if the toddler wakes up in the middle of the night scared, wet diaper, sick, etc if he is up it is on HIM to get our son back to bed and calmed down.
He would never dream of waking me up from sleeping to take care of our kid when he is… already willingly awake.
Your husband seems very selfish in this regard. If he chooses to stay up if the baby wakes up it should be his responsibility. He is ALREADY awake. It would be different if you were solely breastfeeding and the baby only took a boob or if he was asleep and yall took turns.
We have a newborn coming soon and I will be breastfeeding but even then he knows to take one feeding a night with a pumped bottle and let me get some sleep in. He also knows our household wake-up time is 9:30 am and if he chooses to only get 4 hours or 1 hour of sleep isn’t our issue – he made that choice and gets to live with it.
We all wake up together and spend time together as a family every day making breakfast and doing activities to make sure we get quality time as a family. I think your hubs needs to get a grip and put his baby first over his video games.” cortanium1342
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. I’ve been out of work since September and am a huge gamer. My partner and I don’t have kids, but I would never prioritize gaming over responsibilities in a relationship – and definitely not over a child.
I’ve also definitely stepped up my share of the household responsibilities since he’s the only one working now. It’s just what you do.
I’ve read your post history, and he seems very physically and emotionally abusive. However, one post, in particular, has me concerned about your safety, and it’s the one in which you detail how he choked you while you were pregnant. First, I am so, so sorry you are going through this.
Second, and I can’t overstate this enough, the statistics regarding domestic violence and such. There are studies that show that choking in a violent relationship is linked to a 10fold increase in the likelihood of homicide. This is just one article out of many on the subject.
Anecdotally, a friend of mine worked as a prosecutor in a DV unit. While there, she learned that in cases where the partner was a victim of homicide, that partner 100% of the time had reported that they had been choked previously. Please take care of yourself, OP.” MsSnoopEastwood
13. AITJ For Not Allowing My Sister And Her Kids To Move Into The House I Bought?
“I’m a 32-year-old woman and I just bought my first house. It has 3 bedrooms, a yard and is just what I need right now. I’m single and have 2 dogs. My sister is 34, has 3 children, and lives in a 2 bedroom apartment. Lately, she’s been talking about how such a tiny living space is not enough for the four of them.
When she got to know about the house I had bought, she became very upset and told me I was being ‘wasteful’ as I’m single and don’t have kids and therefore don’t need such a big space.
I reminded her that what I do with my hard-earned coin is none of her business. She went on to complain to our mother about how ‘selfish’ I was being. Yesterday evening, I got a call from my mom telling me I should let my sister and her kids move into the house. MY house.
I told her that no one was going to live in the house that I paid for but I and that extra space would be great for my dogs to play in.
My mom also got very upset with me and told me I was being unreasonable. That my sister’s kids are growing and need the space more than my dogs. I offered to help my sister out financially so she could rent a bigger place. My mom got my sister on the phone who shot down the idea, telling me I needed to let her and her kids live in my house.
When I refused again, she very generously suggested a ‘compromise’. I could live in the house with her and her kids and would not have to find somewhere else to live. She said this as if she was doing me a favor.
I told her she had lost her mind and hung up.
Am I the jerk, or is she? I know my sister is struggling financially but this kind of entitlement is ridiculous.”
Another User Comments:
“I was together with a woman for a long time who grew up with a ‘golden sister’.
When their father died (parents were divorced) my ex and her brother wanted to sell the father’s house and split the amount in three, but the sister was dead set on having it as a second home in the country for her kids, ‘as a memory of their grandfather’. My ex and her brother were like ‘ok, then pay us, we want out and have the legal right to force a sale’.
Plenty of people in the family thought my ex was the jerk because the brother kept a lower profile.
This place was really expensive and required boatloads of maintenance, and neither the sister nor her husband did as much as mow the lawn. Me and my ex were in a really bad financial state at that point (we were both students) and it got to the point where I had to convince my crying ex that the only way this stops is if we go to the courts and get the money that rightfully belonged to my ex.
We didn’t have to go though, days after I had convinced her the sister rolled over and the house was put up for sale.
I know a lot of people don’t believe these stories about toxic families but I’m inclined to believe most of them. My ex was convinced she was a jerk and had to be convinced again and again that not letting her golden sister trample all over her was ok.” suleyman_the_avg
Another User Comments:
“My partner and I let my (now former) best friend and his partner move in with us so they could get out of his parent’s house.
We also significantly reduced their portion of the rent and lent them a couple of thousand to help them move. It was a HUGE mistake! They were always late paying rent/bills and were constantly asking to borrow more (both unemployed by choice). They would stay up all night, keeping us up, never clean up after themselves, invite people over without asking, and trash the place.
Living with them was a nightmare.
I finally lost my mind after we came home from Christmas with my family to find the place absolutely trashed (garbage everywhere, dirty pots and pans left all over the kitchen growing their own ecosystems, pictures knocked off the walls/decor knocked over/thrown around, their stuff was everywhere, kitchen cabinet doors literally ripped off, the couch was broken) with them nowhere to be found. We kicked them out about a month or 2 later and haven’t spoken to them since.” Princess-Pancake-97
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and don’t offer to help her financially again.
The longer you’re helping her the more irresponsible and resentful she’ll become of you and your success. In turn, she’ll just want more.
As far as your mother goes I think now’s a good time for mom to get a few facts straight about what responsibility you have towards your sister and for that matter, her. You help people because you want to not because of some entitlement they think they’re owed by blood.
It sucks to say but they’re always going to have their hands out to you both financially and emotionally if you don’t draw a line and make it clear what happens when it’s crossed.
You’re not the family fixer just because you have your life together. Don’t ever feel bad for doing good for you.” CFofI
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, on all counts. First of all, it is not ‘wasteful’ for you to have bought this house.
It was a smart move. Buying a house is far more financially sound than renting. A house is an investment and can provide everything from equity lines of credit to tax deductions to, ultimately, a nice profit if and when you choose to sell. It also adds a lot to your credit score. More on point, this is your house that you worked hard to afford.
You don’t owe anything to anyone, certainly not your sister who acts as if you owe it to her to let her move in. If you were so inclined to give in to her (and your enabling mother) I promise you’d regret it. Although it’s worth it, house ownership also comes with a lot of hassles, too. You’d be her landlord and with every little petty problem that popped up you’d be getting a call to come to fix it–at your expense, I’m sure.
Of course, then she’d be the first to emphasize that it’s your house, not hers.” imnotscarlet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your money, your house, your life, your choice. The sheer entitlement of this is insane. You’re not her co-parent, her guardian, or her bank. I’ve said this a million times on this sub, but here I am again: anyone who gets upset when you enforce boundaries, was taking advantage of your lack of them.
I think you’ve been very restrained. I would have laughed in her face the second that she mentioned it, and been in hysterics if I’d been presented with that terrible compromise. I would also have named an exorbitant price for rent. Your answer of no was very mature.
Don’t let her move in. Not even temporarily. Not even for a night. She will act like it is her home and she will treat you as if you’re a guest.
She will bring home partners, invite over her friends, and make you a co-parent/babysitter. She will expect you to follow the rules that she sets for her children, she will expect to change your home so it’s child friendly, and she will expect you not to bring home your partners or friends because it’s ‘not suitable company when there are kids in the house.’
Get a security camera and an alarm.
Don’t give her, or your mother, a key. Don’t even tell them where the spare is. You don’t want to come home from work and find that your dogs are outside and your sister is inside, deciding which of the rooms her kids are going to get. It sounds absurd, but I’ve seen it happen, and it’s not pretty.
Also, another two pieces of advice born from experience?
If she shows up at your door saying ‘I was evicted can we stay here’, tell her to take a hike? You’d be surprised how often people purposely sabotage their leases, so they can force a family member to offer free (and nicer) accommodation. Don’t buy it, send her to your mother.
Don’t let her use her kids as leverage. Don’t let her manipulate you by saying ‘but I promised the kids that they’d have their own rooms in a new home, please you’ll break their hearts’. She shouldn’t have promised anything in the first place, her kids will survive, and it’s completely on her.” endearinglysarcastic
12. AITJ For Not Telling My Partner About How I Do Her Laundry?
“I (24M) have been with my significant other ‘Mia’ (26F) for just over 3 years. We have a good relationship and hardly argue, but have gotten into a huge fight over this.
Basically, Mia has a lot of clothes. Ever since I met her, she’s always been very into fashion. She especially loves putting together monochromatic outfits, so her closet is stuffed with lots of clothes in every color.
The issue is the laundry that comes with it.
Instead of the typical 2 loads of laundry (lights & darks), Mia does 6 loads (red, orange/yellow, blue/green, purple/pink, white & black). She also sometimes does the 7th load for delicates (bras, lingerie, etc) but she hand-washes it. She says it’s because she is extra careful with her clothes and wants to prevent them from ruining each other.
She’s her own adult doing laundry in her own house where she pays the bills, so I don’t have an issue. But when she stays at my apartment and wants to do her laundry there, it wastes a lot of water and costs me a lot, especially because she splits everything into so many loads that the machine is nowhere near being full for each load.
The first time she came over and I did her laundry (6 months into our relationship), I genuinely forgot and put everything into one load. She didn’t notice and all the clothes came out just fine, so I figured it didn’t matter if I did normal loads of laundry with the stuff she wore at my place. I still wash her delicates by hand.
I don’t know how she never noticed that I was only doing 2 loads of laundry, not 6, but she’s not the most observant person (I don’t know how to say it without sounding rude.
She’s incredibly smart, probably smarter than me tbh, but misses a lot of things that other people do unless they’re pointed out to her).
This went on until a few days ago when she went to grab something from the dryer and noticed all her clothes were in there together. She freaked out and got really upset because she didn’t want anything getting ruined, and then called me a jerk for lying to her about the way I’ve been doing her laundry.
I told her I didn’t think it would matter because the stuff I was putting in the laundry wasn’t any of her clothes that require special care (all regular t-shirts, leggings, etc). I also told her I still read the tags of anything I thought needed to be washed differently and followed the care instructions, and that I split it into lights and darks if needed.
She said that doesn’t matter because I was still lying to her.
AITJ? I understand that she cares about her clothes, but 6 loads of laundry seems excessive, and I was never careless with any of her stuff either.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m not gonna pass a judgment but point of info women’s clothes are often really delicate (blame the fashion industry). A good deal of women’s clothes (including normal things like t-shirts) will shrink or become deformed by just being thrown in the dryer.
If you don’t want her to do your laundry at your place that’s totally fine. But what you were doing may actually have been harming her belongings even if you didn’t notice.
Growing up I specifically told my dad and brothers that I alone should be the one to deal with my laundry, but sometimes they forgot so I still lost a lot of clothing to improper washing.
Idk a lot about color mixing because to be honest, I’ve always thrown caution to the wind since I only wear thrift stuff. But that has also backfired before.” jam_and_ham
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You knew she likes to do her laundry a certain way. If you didn’t want to do that you should have told her. She could’ve kept doing her laundry at her own place or chosen to do it your way.
You made the choice for her.
It’s ridiculous to me to do that many loads. I put everything together and hope for the best. But my clothes aren’t that expensive or mean much to me either. If something gets ruined I just replace it. Her clothes mean something to her. You broke her trust.” FriendlyWorldliness2
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You should have told her right away when you realized your mistake.
That being said, you should also have explained how you do your own laundry before agreeing to do her laundry in a similar fashion.
If you started doing her laundry without asking, then you are an even bigger jerk, as you didn’t give her the option to do it herself.
The water question is actually irrelevant for the most part, I mean yeah it is a valid point, but only as an explanation for why to do it in one load.
Overall, you guys need to communicate better.” LazySwashbuckler
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – those aren’t your possessions and you should take care of them in the way you’ve been told they need taking care of by the person that owns them. That being said, why are you doing her laundry? If you don’t want to do 6 loads, don’t do any. Also, if it costs you a lot just ask her for the money if she wants it done that way, it’s not unreasonable to ask for your costs to be returned because of her choices.” bethanyannejane
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, I am not sure why you are washing her clothes in the first place if there are such extreme instructions to them.
I also do not understand why she is not taking it over when she found out. The temperature of the water is the most important issue of colored clothing. I agree you are NTJ, she is wasting water and your moolah. Personal opinion, I would feel weird if a guy was washing my delicates. And a question, do you do a lot for her that might seem overboard?” LisaMinneapolis
11. AITJ For Not Allowing My Sister-In-Law To Look After My Kids?
“I’m 29F, SIL is 46F.
So I have been married to my husband for 2 years but we have been together for 8. I have a son from a previous relationship. I had him when I was 19 and he is my pride and joy. My son has learning disabilities and is borderline Autistic and he is the most generous and caring individual I have ever met.
Now, my son’s father has never had anything to do with our son. He terminated his rights the second the DNA test came back (he pushed for this DNA test). My husband loves my son and calls him his boy and whatnot. My son also often slips up and calls him ‘Daddy Dan’.
My SIL is obese. To a point where it takes her a solid ten minutes to move from her chair and walk anywhere in the house.
The only time my husband and I have any alone time is when she or my MIL have my son. However, 2 weeks ago my husband and I dropped my son off with my MIL so we could have our anniversary dinner. We find out a couple of hours later that my MIL dropped my son off at my SIL’s because she had to run errands.
She didn’t tell us before she dropped him off so I started to freak out. Especially where I am not comfortable with my SIL having my son for long periods of time due to her being unable to move around freely. So if anything were to happen, it would take her so long to actually get to my boy.
When we showed up at her house, my son was nowhere to be found.
She tells us he went outside to play 30 minutes prior so I looked through the window and I could not see him anywhere outside. They have a 16acre property that consists of mostly dense forest. I panic and run outside to find him. I’m screaming his name for a solid 15 minutes and he’s not answering. It’s getting dark at this point. By some miracle I hear him yell ‘mom help!’ and I run toward the sound of his voice, coming from the forest.
I find him huddled up in the crevices of a massive tree. He said a dog chased him so he climbed up but couldn’t get back down. I asked him how long he had been there and he said ‘Very long, momma’.
So I grab my boy and I go to the house. I’m crying hysterically at this point because I was panicking so bad. My SIL tells me she had no idea and she thought he was playing at the neighbor’s house.
I told her she is never watching my son again and that she should have gotten off her butt to check on him instead of just assuming her was okay considering it was getting dark out.
My husband agreed with me, though he said I was being rather harsh. He understands though because I was panicked. My SIL on the other hand told me I was a dummy for ‘fat-shaming’ her and ‘refusing access to her favorite child’.
AITJ?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – first of all MIL should never have dropped your child off somewhere without at least having a conversation with you. Second, your SIL is not in any shape to be watching a child. If she is having that much trouble standing up if something were to happen crucial moments will be lost due to her immobility. Third, when she agreed to watch your son she should have been regularly checking on him and it’s incredibly irresponsible to let a child that young on such a vast property by themselves.
I would be livid and reconsidering ever leaving my child with MIL or SIL because I wouldn’t be able to trust their judgment when it comes to keeping my child safe.” tokenchild73
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I will say that when I was 10 it would not have been weird for me to be out playing on my Grandmother’s multi-acre property for several hours. So it’s possible that your SIL is not quite up to date with the level of supervision you expect for your son, especially given his learning issues.
It sounds like she does care about your son, so maybe after some cooling off, you can talk about what kinds of things he can do when he’s over there? Like, is it a problem for him to read or play quietly in the room that she’s in? Or for them to watch TV together? It seems like there should be things he could do nearby that wouldn’t make it hard for her to supervise him.
I think it’s also possible that your SIL feels guilty and really down on herself for not being able to help your son when he needed it. And maybe she’s reacting defensively because she’s hurt. (I’m fat but certainly more active than her, and it would still be hard to hear something like that if I legitimately thought there wasn’t a problem and someone just assumed I was being lazy.)
I don’t think you were in the wrong, but I do think with some understanding and apologies this is all very manageable – unless at the end of the day the goal is to ‘Win’ by proving you are somehow better than your disabled SIL.” Lmtycy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She has no idea where a child is her care was. Nor did she seem overly interested in finding him when you realized he was missing. At no point did you fat-shame her, she adding those implications herself. However, her obesity is clearly a major factor in her inability to appropriately care for your child. You’re not telling her she can’t look after your child because she’s fast, it’s because she’s not capable of looking after your child. You cannot be expected to risk your child on her care just because it scrapes on her feelings. The fact that her inability to care for him would be resolved if she lost the weight is incidental. Although, even if she were physically capable, I’d still be concerned about her lack of interest in his whereabouts during this particular incident.” Crafty_hooker
10. AITJ For Yelling At My Husband Because Of His Phone?
“I (49f) blew up at my husband tonight (58m) for playing videos on his phone. Background info: I suffer from migraines for 30+ years and also have mild sensory issues.
This is every darn night. We’ll be watching tv, and he’ll decide to start clicking on videos at full volume. It doesn’t matter what it is. Fail videos, cute animals, music, political rants… if it comes across his social media, he’s clicking.
(He’s also been hacked multiple times due to this but that’s not today’s complaint. )
I’ve asked him countless times to please stop this. I have no objection to any content- he can watch adult videos next to me and I don’t care- I just don’t want to hear it. I cannot stand to have two competing sounds playing at the same time.
I’ve bought him headphones, AirPods, other wireless earbuds, they are all within inches of his reach but he will not use them.
Other times I’ll just mute or pause the TV to make a point and then he eventually realizes I’ve stopped the other and asks what’s going on. I’ve asked politely. I’ve yelled. I’ve left the room. I’ve changed seats.
He does this in public settings too. Dinners with groups of friends or family where everyone has put down their phones to spend time together, there he is blaring baby goat videos or some stuff.
Quiet waiting room? Yep. He’s THAT guy. Sees nothing wrong with it.
Tonight he begins. We were sitting on the loveseat together so we were close. I’m on day 4 of a migraine I can’t kick. Major noise sensitivity. He knows this. I ask him to please turn it down. He may be turned it down with a click. ‘Use your earbuds.’ He refuses. The next video starts.
‘Honey please I don’t want to hear that.’ (I believe tonight’s selections were motorcycle crashes?)
The next thing I know he’s up out of the chair-throwing stuff around having a tantrum and we are screaming at each other. I’m like ‘I’m sick of the noise! This is the last straw! I can’t believe I’m going to end up divorcing this idiot over Tik Tok!!’ He replies with ‘Fine! Get the papers I’ll sign them today!’, muttering that I’m a witch and whatever, and stomped upstairs to bed.
Just before the videos began we were having a good conversation, he complimented the dinner I made… This just sent him (and me) over the edge! We are married 16yrs and don’t fight over much.
Before the comments come in saying ‘he’s addicted to his phone’ he truly is not. He doesn’t play games, he can work all day and not touch it. If anyone has a phone addiction in our house it’s totally me.
So AITJ for yelling about the noise? I feel like using the ‘D’ word (divorce) may have crossed the line and made me a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“No, you are NTJ for throwing around the D-word after you have asked repeatedly for someone to compromise with you on a condition they should be empathetic for, as a person and ESPECIALLY as a partner. It’s incredibly impolite for him to blare videos at high volumes in public places, it’s completely thoughtless for him to refuse to budge when it comes to your migraines which you cannot help.
You’ve tried communicating with him, you’ve done all you can.
He doesn’t care for you. If he did, he would grab the AirPods, earphones, turn the volume down, wait until you guys are done with watching TV. Anything. Anything other than what he is doing, which is nothing.
You deserve better. If you decide to not D-word him. I suggest using some earplugs. But you really shouldn’t be the one compromising.
Even without the migraines that sounds annoying. Sorry for your situation.” User
Another User Comments:
“I think there’s more to this than you’re letting on. It seems you have no issues with noises until your husband has a phone next to you. I think your issues revolve more around this line ‘I cannot stand to have two competing sounds playing at the same time’ in your post than they do medical issues.
And it sounds like your husband is pretty fed up with it. Knowing he can’t even have a phone next to you, even though you’re a motorcycle rider (loud noises) and you can survive everyday life which includes much more than just two competing noises at any given time, is probably rather old. Your ‘noise sensitivity’ seems almost exclusively tied to his phone based on your post and comments.
Then to throw ‘divorce’ in there.
I’m going with a YTJ or everyone sucks here at a minimum.” 1N_Nothing
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He knows that you have migraine issues and should be understanding of your situation. I have a dad who also plays the videos at full volume who isn’t addicted to phones and only watches after work so I understand ur problems.
You might have crossed the line abt the ‘D’ word but I hope you guys clear it out since you’ve guys have been married for 16+ yrs and don’t fight a lot.
I know it might be annoying to repeat the same discussion again and again but it’s better to clear out the air and maybe try asking why he doesn’t wanna use headphones/AirPods. I don’t know much abt you guys but sometimes asking the other party why they aren’t willing to follow what you’re saying might help.” Curious_CatExists
Another User Comments:
“NTJ NTJ NTJ. Your husband needs to be yelled at about his phone because his behavior is antisocial and inexcusable and needs to stop.
I also have a lot of sound sensitivity and I cannot stand overlapping layers of noise, if someone in my life acted like this towards me I would absolutely cut them off for it.
His public behavior is unbelievably rude, and his behavior towards you is unbelievably cruel, and what is even the reason for it? What value does he get out of this relentless bombardment of noise, that makes it worth subjecting others to it against their will? Whence the sense of entitlement to decide that everyone within 50 feet of you is going to have to listen to motorcycle crashes of all things? I have never been able to understand this about these people.
Is he otherwise lacking in empathy?” NefariousnessTrue777
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I cannot stand competing noises. My partner is constantly on his phone. He can’t sit through a movie without playing a game or watching a video on YouTube. I don’t care as long as I can’t hear it. He makes sure I can’t because not doing that would be rude and self-absorbed. If he did that when I had a migraine, after I had repeatedly asked him not to, I would probably throw him out right then. It’s bad enough that he does it, but doing it when you have a migraine shows he does not care how it affects you or even whether it causes you pain.” Quid-Pro-No
9. AITJ For Considering Taking My Ex To Court For Child Support?
“My son (T) is 8 y/o. His father (J) and I separated about 7 years ago, but have always been respectful to each other for the sake of our son. Nowadays J is married to a wonderful woman and we all co-parent and get along great. I have T most of the time and J has him on the weekends. He and his wife have no other children together.
I never initially asked for any financial support, I was very sure that I could manage without inconveniencing him and I felt proud to do so. Well after a year I had to face the hard realization that I couldn’t financially support T on my own, so I reached out to J and we agreed that we would stay out of the courts and he would give me $50 a week.
At first, that was perfectly fine, but as T got older and required more things I asked for more allowance a week. It was a struggle, and J was very hesitant originally, but eventually, he agreed to $70 (Quick timeframe update in case I confused anyone out there… sorry if I did)
We separated 7 years ago
Asked for $50/week 6 years ago
Asked for $70/week 1 year ago
Well now, for the past 2 months I have been getting the run around when it comes to payments, and whenever he does mention having it on a certain day for me, if I can’t get to him that day then I get ignored the following day and finally a text way later that says ‘sorry, I’ll have it next week.’ Honestly I’ve seen that same exact text, word for word about 6 times now.
The most recent text I got from him has asked about going back down to $50 a week so it will be easier for him to make the payments. I’m getting to the point now where I feel like I need to go to the courts. The only reason we’ve avoided it before is that it seemed like such a hassle, and he’s worried that he would be paying too much through that route.
I’ve definitely been empathetic in the past when he’s asked to pay a lower amount for that week or just skip a week altogether if it meant helping him in a tough situation.
However, now I feel as if I’m being taken advantage of… not too long ago he was happy to share the great news about him and his wife moving into a larger house and possibly adopting a new puppy.
I’m super happy for them, but it sucks when in the same week of them telling me this, I get completely avoided when I mention that he’s behind on child support and anything would be very helpful. I have no clue what he is making now, it’s none of my business, but I do know that he has been with the same company since we were still together, and 7 years ago he was bringing home a weekly check of $390.
I have no indication if he has received any raises or promotions, again that’s not my business, but I do think that even if he is still making the same amount he did that long ago, then $70 a week on time should not be that difficult… again AITJ? I don’t know what to think or do. Thank you for your time and any opinions!
Edit: I appreciate everyone’s opinions and thoughts on the matter! It’s really put a lot into perspective and I don’t think I’ll be second-guessing myself on this anymore (or at least I won’t feel like the jerk when I do address the situation) now I just need to work up the courage for the approach.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You created a child together. $200/month doesn’t even make it onto the expected minimum child support payment chart of required levels where I live, although of course, this may be different where you are. Long and short, you were beyond kind to try to go it substantially alone at all. Your son’s father is morally and ethically required to provide for 50% of the cost of raising and educating your son.
Legally may vary where you live. Requesting appropriate child support is not being a jerk, it’s called advocating in your son’s best interests.” NeedAnOffButton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is usually better to let the court decide the payment arrangements anyway, for the sake of civility. When people try to keep it friendly and out of court, someone usually ends up feeling like they are being taken advantage of.
He knows he’s been giving you the runaround, so he shouldn’t be very surprised, although he may be annoyed anyway.
What is important is whatever is in the best interest of your son. If your son is doing without things he needs and leading less of a quality-of-life, while his father moves into a bigger house and takes on the costs of a new pet, then clearly there needs to be some mediation.” Summerie
Another User Comments:
“Here’s the thing – child support should not be about your pride.
Forgoing child support does not benefit your child. Two parents can typically support a child better financially than one parent. There’s not a merit badge for being the ‘good cop’ and letting him slide on his parental responsibilities.
It probably has seemed like it’s easier to get along with your ex & his spouse by not asking for it. That’s not surprising, but also a really good reason to have the court involved – they can be the bad guy.
Maybe you’ve been able to scrape by, but why deprive your child of the funds? Yes, family courts typically use a set formula to determine child support, but they will often also consider circumstances that would make your ex unable to pay (provided he’s actually having legit issues). Even if you don’t need all of the $ now, it can be set aside to pay for costs down the road.
Setting the precedent where you ask for nothing, then very little, is going to make it difficult to collect when you have larger expenses come up – and kids can be expensive! If not, then your child has funds he can use for college or a house (or just getting set up as a young adult).
If you don’t collect child support, your son may be able to try in the future (in my state, it’s 10 years past the age of the majority).
Under the table arrangements or your inaction, may hinder that. It certainly doesn’t seem like he’ll stand up & just offer money.
Anecdotally, my mother let my biological father slide on child support & never went to court. We scraped by, but I missed out on opportunities because of it. I tried to collect as an adult, but it was fruitless. Had he been held accountable, we could have struggled a lot less.
NTJ for asking him for $, and certainly not for formalizing the process. He’s clearly taking advantage here, but ultimately it’ll be your child that sees the pinch. Don’t spend your time gathering up the courage to nicely ask him again or to inform him of your plan. Call your state’s child support hotline – they love to get parents to pay up & can get the process started.
This is literally their job – let them do it, not you.” hoppityhoppity
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sucks that you’re in this ‘unofficial’ child support status because it will likely be hard for you to claim any missed payments but if you can start documenting his promised payments (screenshots of texts, emails, anything in writing, or transcriptions of voice mails) and the child-related expenses you pay you should be able to get ‘official’ child support through legal avenues without issue.
Just be prepared for it to turn ugly and make sure you have friends/family/someone to look out for YOU and YOUR mental health… child support payments are sometimes swayed by how bad/irresponsible you can make the other party look (another reason it’s great to save screenshots of the ‘oh sorry I’ll get you the money next week’ type of texts). Best of luck figuring it out!” KeasKnees
8. AITJ For Telling My Mom I Didn't Like The Comforter She Got Me?
“I am insanely picky when it comes to bedding. I’ve been speculated to be on the spectrum, but it comes out in sensory issues.
I know I need a new down comforter, but I’m still working on that. It’s a huge undertaking as it may take a ton of tries to get one that isn’t horrible. My mother offered last year to get me one for Christmas.
I said it would be better for me to get my own because it’s not something I can ask someone else to deal with.
She got me one, and it was horrible. Feathers everywhere, thin, and crunchy. I felt like I was in bed with Doritos. I hated telling her that I wasn’t going to use it, but I politely did. She returned it. She wanted to get me one, and I begged her not to.
She got me a second one, and while it’s better than the first, I’m still not going to use it because it sheds truly too many feathers. Any amount is bad, but I woke up covered in feathers and my room now is inundated with feathers because I had to shake the blanket out. I’ve been brushing feathers out of my hair all morning. I sneezed and a feather came out.
I’m not using this. I told her as nicely as I could and now she seems upset.
Should I not have told her? I’m all about being grateful for what I have, but all that’s going to happen is that I’m going to keep it in the package and keep using my old one. I don’t think that’s the point of that saying, and it’s wasteful. I’d rather have the gift giver get their money back, or it is donated somewhere.
I feel like it’s worse to just donate something secretly while the person who bought it can get their coin back. Not to mention that that’s easier said than done as she would ask why I never brought my old one for her to store, and we talk regularly. It would come up eventually. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but you were right to tell her.
She’s trying to do something nice and pay for something you need – you have repeatedly told her this is something you are super picky about and would prefer to pick out yourself. Plus, these things tend not to be super cheap and it’d be a waste for you to keep them. While I think she should have listened to you, it’s not like she flew off the handle or anything so I won’t call her a jerk – just maybe a bit silly.
IF she brings up buying another one I’d just say I appreciate you wanting to contribute to the cost if you want, but I’d prefer to pick it out myself.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As one person persnickety about bedding types and textures to another, I understand completely wanting a blanket/comforter suited to your tastes – and how hard it can be for other people to get something right!
I will say though, it might be worth sitting down with her and making her physically see and feel the difference between the one you like and the one she’s hurt you don’t like, if possible.
If distance makes that hard, try to explain that you appreciate that she cares but it’s actually very distressing to have your bedding be that Wrong To You – and then perhaps if you find one you like in person, you can compromise so she covers the cost if it’s that important to her to gift you a new comforter.
And good luck finding a new comforter!!” IndependentPangolin3
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – just get your comforter already and put your mom’s comforter in the closet or give it away.
Your mom just can’t stand to see you without one and can’t understand how you haven’t gotten a new one yet. It’s probably a one-weekend thing where you visit a bunch of stores. Maybe 2? What do you think is a reasonable timeframe for you to buy a comforter because this seems like it’s been many months.” natedogg282
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all, in my honest opinion, honesty is always better than fake joy is expressed in an appropriate manner.
But to me it sounds like the second comforter has some holes or something, I mean it‘s not unusual for bedding to lose some feathers but I‘m talking about like 1-2 feathers in a week. Yours seem to be defective and should be returned either way.” ViolettaXYZ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – But you should tell her because the second comforter sounds defective? If she really wants to do this for you, maybe ask for a gift card to help with the cost? Or better yet, go together so she can understand your process and preferences which may help her choose future gifts. We, moms, love gifts.” personofpaper
She did it anyway.
You couldn't use it, she returned it, and you told her not to get another one...
And again, she did it anyway.
I mean, she's not a jerk, exactly, either, but I don't think she has a right to be butthurt that you don't want something you REAPEATEDLY told her not to buy for you.
7. AITJ For Demanding Our Housemate To Learn How To Drive Already?
“He’s (M, almost 30) lived with us (F 26 and M 27) for almost a year, and didn’t know how to drive, has a Gov’t ID and no license. No credit, no nothing. But, he got a vehicle from his parents. It’s kind of a junker, and I only say that because the seat is broken, hasn’t had maintenance in at least a year (if not more, only had friends ‘top off’ the oil, but it mostly sat around in their driveway).
I digress.
We brought him in to get him out of his previous residence, angry idiots and fighting constantly. We made the expectation that he needs to at least learn how to drive because we can’t constantly drive him around. We did offer to drive him at least temporarily since his job is a short trip up the road and I didn’t work at the time. His hours required us to stay up later than we usually do to be able to get up (we’re in bed and asleep by 9-9:30 for our jobs, and he gets out of work at 11 over the weekends).
To keep it short, he hasn’t made any effort to learn. I looked up some places around us, offered to take him to the classes, all sorts of stuff. I tried to teach him but I didn’t feel safe with him learning because he’s, well, new to it. We even have offered to let him take a month’s rent if he puts it towards driving lessons, and he declined all of it.
My partner and I have essentially just given up. All our friends are saying we’re doing him a huge favor in giving him rides at all, and we know we are, but I would feel like such a jerk just suddenly stopping giving him rides and it would cause tension in the house that I frankly don’t want to deal with.
WIBTJ, or would we be jerks I guess, if we were to tell him we aren’t giving him any more rides unless he actually learns how to drive?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but perhaps there is deeper reasoning to his unwillingness.
I was a non-driver into my 30s due to anxiety, but I clearly saw how much of an inconvenience it was to everyone, including myself, and got my butt in gear. That being said, you ARE doing him a huge favor by driving him around but you’re not his mother and he’s not a child, he needs to find a better solution.
I’d set a firm boundary and give him a reasonable time to prepare.
‘You need to be driving or find other accommodations by February 28th. We can’t keep driving you every night, it’s really messing with our sleep. You can skip next months rent if you want to take lessons, and I’d be happy to take you to the lessons but Feb 28th is the last night we’ll be picking you up, so it’s lessons, Uber or a bike my dude’.” amazonpixie81
Another User Comments:
“What is it they say?
Information, please?
Why did you bring this man who is older than you into your home? How did you learn he might benefit from living in your home? What made you think he needed your outreach?
Did he give his enthusiastic consent to learning how to drive before you brought him into your home? Is him learning to drive perhaps your idea that you’re projecting onto him and he’s just going along for the ride, so to speak?
This living arrangement sounds odd.
How you got to this place, and the fact it doesn’t sound like this person was ever on board with the idea of learning how to drive just makes me think this arrangement is something you arranged and not something he arranged.
You do realize some people don’t want to learn how to drive and just aren’t going to learn how to drive, don’t you? He may be happy to accept all the rides you offer him and be happy to go right on not learning how to drive and be happy to adapt to not getting rides when the time comes you stop giving him rides because his choice is to not drive.
Have you considered that possibility?” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I don’t see why you have to put conditions on it. Just tell him that you can’t keep arranging your schedules around his transportation needs, and he’s going to have to figure something else out. If that something else is Uber, or carpooling with other employees, or biking, or hitchhiking, who cares, as long as it’s no longer your problem?” mm172
6. AITJ For Telling My Wife That She Doesn't Have Post-Partum Depression?
“So, my wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl a month and a half ago. I wouldn’t exchange the world for my daughter. She’s my first daughter, but my wife has twin sons from another marriage. However, ever since she gave birth, she’s been… neglectful.
I don’t mean ‘she won’t do the housework’, but more so, she’s not doing anything at all. I’m taking care of the baby, I’m doing the housework, etc., etc.
When I asked her if she could /do/ something, she said that she had post-partum depression, and therefore can’t take care of our daughter. I told her, we can go to therapy if she wants, but she refused because it’s not that serious. I was initially annoyed but went like screw it, she’s a new mum, pregnancy hurts.
Yesterday she sat me down and told me that she was going to go for a month abroad with her friends, to party and ‘loosen up’ so it would get her out of the emotional slump.
Now, I’ve pretty much used up all my holidays, and can’t stay at home to take care of my daughter; so I asked her who would take care of our daughter. She told me to hire someone or have our sons do it.
I flipped out, I told her she doesn’t have PPD, she’s just neglectful, and eight-year-olds are in no way or form supposed to be taking care of a newborn, and besides, they have a school to go to.
I told her if she goes on this trip, it’s a divorce; I love her, but I cannot abide by this.
Now she’s mad and won’t talk to me, and I’m sleeping on the couch.
AITJ here?
EDITS/INFO:
I don’t know how she was with the twins, they’re my step-children. I might ask her family if they know.
She has done literally nothing to our baby girl.
Her PPD is self-diagnosed (I think I saw a comment about that?)
Sleeping on the couch is the least of my worries right now.
But the baby was planned; we both wanted (and felt ready) for a child together.
I’ll talk with her tonight, and tell her that if she wants to go on a holiday with her friends (which I still hate the idea of), she has to go to a psychiatrist and talk with him about this first.
Until then, I’ll keep the daughter with my mum when I’m at work.
Someone mentioned the possibility of hurting our baby, and I don’t think she’s like this, but it’s to put my heart at ease.”
Another User Comments:
“RN here. I deal with surgical patients all the time. Some people have major surgery and expect no pain whatsoever afterward, which is most often unrealistic. If a patient is resting comfortably then has pain while transferring to a chair and then is comfortable again once there, medicating for the level of pain that transferring creates could leave a patient seriously over-medicated while sitting.
Some patients will complain of 10 out of 10 pain with the TV on, their phone in hand, loud visitors in the room, and they are dropping off in mid-sentence due to the pain meds they already have had, which are not effective because they, the patient, routinely take enough meds that the legal doses can’t touch them.
Unfortunately, most of the opioid pain meds have a point where a body has reached a ceiling of effectiveness for alleviating pain or developing a tolerance for that med long before a person’s respiratory system is able to develop a tolerance.
On the other hand, I have plenty of patients who are afraid to acknowledge how high their pain is because they don’t want to have to take the opioids and be labeled negatively. These people are educated about the meds and encouraged to take enough to at least make their pain bearable. We also have patients that are in so much pain prior to surgery that even a 7 out of 10 pain is an improvement.
This is all to say that the problem is not always just the medical community neglecting pain patients due to the ‘damn opioid war’, but a combination of causes. However, I totally agree that finding the right MD makes a big difference. Find a doctor that will listen. Get plenty of info on them and referrals from friends or others who have had similar problems. Do keep a notebook or calendar with symptoms, apparent relative causes, etc to share with the provider.
If you go to your PCP for knee pain, for example, and they have to look up the treatment you are going to get a different response to that treatment than if you go to a knee specialist.” karenrn64
Another User Comments:
“I’ve never experienced psychosis personally but I have a family member who does on a fairly regular basis, and my understanding of what differentiates psychosis from his normal state (which does involve hallucinations and intrusive thoughts and all that fun stuff) is that he suffers a complete break with reality and is basically living in a different world than the rest of us.
When he’s relatively stable, he knows his hallucinations aren’t real and can make rational decisions. When he experiences a psychotic episode, he does things like try to break into my house to get rid of me because he’s 100% sure I harmed our mother and got away with it. That time, even when our mom (who is very much alive and well) came and tried to talk him down, he refused to believe it was really her and remained absolutely convinced I had hurt her.
There are many mental conditions you can white-knuckle through, but psychosis isn’t one by definition, at least based on my understanding.” interloperdog19
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here:
Your wife has is avoiding your baby. That is far from normal. Her running away from her problems maybe something she feels she has to do. Has she had thoughts of harming herself? The baby? Did she want this baby? Does she see this baby as something she’s done for you and is now handing over for you after having completed the task of giving birth? You said it was a healthy baby.
Was she healthy and happy during pregnancy? Any trauma? What’s your relationship dynamic like? Is this simply a continuation of what has already gone before, plus a baby? Has the birth escalated existing issues into an arena where third-party intervention is absolutely necessary or has this become the straw that broke the camel’s back?
She needs to see someone. It sounds like she’s so empty that acknowledging the problem means there is a problem which means she has to summon non-existent energy to sort it out.
You can both go in for a consult to share your concerns and what you have seen. Or you can make an appointment and discuss your concerns with your doctor who can guide you on what to do. Do you need to see what support can be offered by social services? Do they have access to groups/counseling for your issues? Will it help to bring in third parties who can help develop some accountability outside of yourselves?
If you do go together to see someone then keep it factual about what has been observed and any differences from before.
Write it all down. Keep it neutral. Then leave the joint appointment. There may be things she cannot say out loud without scaring everyone. She may be downplaying what’s going on in an effort to hope she’ll just snap out of it. She may be ashamed. A husband who’s mad at a runaway wife if one thing, a husband who looks at her in disgust is another.
She may also not want scrutiny from someone who has the power to intervene in what she may see as a devastating way ie medical/social services.
I’ve seen mothers do this to protect their baby and only until the mother expressed frankly psychotic symptoms, did partners realize the severity of the deterioration in mental health and realize they were seeing symptoms all along, not a partner has gone rogue and irresponsible.
Ultimatums are rarely helpful unless they are meant. You’re no doubt absolutely knackered and hanging on with very little. Get support from, all your families and all your friends. Speak to her friends. She may not forgive it but they need to know- if they care about her, they will hold themselves firm against furthering and adding to her problems and support her in getting the help she needs.
They may have experienced themselves.
‘I am struggling. I need help. I need a partner right now. We need to fix this. I’ve made an appointment for us to get some help and ideas on what we can do to help ourselves’. We, us, our. A problem for one is a problem for two. Unless it’s hemorrhoids.
Don’t mention the baby. Baby has you, for now. Recruit whoever you can to help with the baby.
Cut back on some things and get a cleaner in. Delegate that, take it off the table. You need your wife and partner to be a healthy members of your team and to be able to take on the role of being a parent to your baby. The baby may be a trigger for feelings she didn’t know a mother could feel. All of it is normal, all of it isolating. Use what you know of her and squeeze out just a little empathy from what you can. Use it, crystallize more empathy around it and do your best.
This only works if you had a healthy relationship before. Otherwise, this is just another situation that has served to highlight existing problems and added some new problems.
Good luck and congratulations.” mangonlime
5. AITJ For Being Frustrated My Friend Asked My Partner For Help?
“My significant other and I have been together for going on six months now. He spends most of his time at my house and has met all my friends. Neither of us has cars, so transportation to friend events is covered by friends. I think it’s notable that the more depressed I am about a situation, the more I believe the whole world is against me.
I seriously need a reality check that is unbiased.
My friend texted me this morning asking if they could borrow my man to help set up their VR, something that as far as I’m concerned, could be easily set up using google and two hours. He did not invite me. Just my man. I know it’ll turn into a hangout due to the car situation/distance between houses, but I also know somewhere inside me that I possibly wouldn’t have accepted the invite, it just would’ve been nice to feel wanted.
I feel it’s a constant struggle for me to be respected in my current friendships, something I’ve voiced time and time again. I feel like no one ever contacts me. I feel like they just come over to hang out with my roommates, and the more I feel like that, the more I isolate myself.
Am I right to be frustrated? Am I being a jerk here? I just want to feel respected as a person.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, because you are self-aware and you are allowed to have feelings.
You would have been the jerk if you had thrown a tantrum, forbade your partner to go, or got angry with your friend.
But, here’s the reality check. Your friend asked your partner over for help. They were even kind enough to ask if you were ok with it, which means they value your opinion and don’t want to hurt your feelings. If this was not the case, they wouldn’t have asked because it’s ok to ask an acquaintance for help without consulting the person they met through.
It might turn out into a hangout, but that’s ok. It’s great your partner and friend get along well, and it will make future hangouts together more fun if they bond over the VR. I’m going on a limb here and assume you’re young, possibly late teen? I was in your position and got jealous and possessive. My partner broke up with me because of it, and I have since learned to be more relaxed in these situations.
Remember that your friend respected you by consulting you first, which is a really kind gesture.” Trania86
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Seems the friend just wanted help setting up a VR system. I’m assuming you have one set up and it’s why they asked or your bf is tech-savvy.
It’s fine for you to want to be included. However, you bring up a potential reason why people are distant.
You mention not feeling respected and how you are voicing this over and over to your friends. I could be wrong but many people would be turned off being told this again and again. You may very well be pushing people away. Food for thought.
I understand communication is key and you are expressing your concerns. However, bringing it up alot makes people uninvested in the friendship as in their eyes they cant just hang out with you.” Voidg
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I think you might need to talk with someone about your depression and insecurities.
Your friend needed help, so they called your partner (who is now also their friend as well) to help; period. There wasn’t an ulterior motive — they would probably be busy and didn’t want you just sitting around. Even if they did end up hanging out why would that bother you? People are allowed to have friends while in a relationship and it’s healthy to take some time away from one another.
Also, you say that no one ever contacts you. Well, do you contact them, or do you wait around because you want to feel wanted? Most people will only contact people for a certain amount of time and stop when they notice that they are the ones constantly trying to get in touch. The interstate and phone lines go both ways.
When your friends come over, could it be that you are showing depression and isolating yourself to the point that maybe they just don’t want to be around you because you are bringing them down?
I believe you have a lot of self-reflection you may need to do, and possibly get some help to work through your issues.” SqueegeBeckenheim
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – did you ask if you could come along? I would assume it is implicit in an invite for your bf to come over that you are also invited…
otherwise, why would your friend not just ask your bf directly if he didn’t want you to tag along? Also, it sounds like your friend might just need a new guy friend and is looking for an excuse to make one. Seems pretty normal to me. You seem self-conscious in a way that makes it incumbent on others to take care of your feelings, and that isn’t fair to anyone.” AlaskanOverlord
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – If you wouldn’t have gone had they asked, you probably shouldn’t mind much about the situation overall.
It sounds like you’re being your own worst enemy here and you know it. I’d recommend getting involved in some new hobby or task to get out of your head and drain off some of that nervous energy like hiking or swimming.
I don’t know you or what you’re about so apologies if those specific options don’t work for you.” EBlackR
4. AITJ For Hating The Fact That My Son Is Different?
“I (44M) have a 15-year-old son (E). My son has complete heterochromia, meaning one of his eyes is blue and the other is brown. I think he’s already a handsome boy and his eyes make him unique. But E hates them, he gets ‘compliments’ in public all the time and doesn’t like how he is different from his friends.
I’m looking into getting him some colored contacts so he can choose to put one in and have ‘normal’ eyes but some of the brands are quite pricey because he doesn’t actually need contacts to see.
I was talking to my ex-wife about splitting the price and she refuses to buy them. She thinks that he doesn’t need them and that I’m allowing him to be insecure about his differences. I told her that he didn’t like all the attention he got because of it and that he wanted to be like everyone else. For some reason, she thinks my willingness to get the contacts for my son is because I ‘secretly hate that he looks different and that I want him to be normal’.
Of course, that’s stupid I don’t hate my son, I think his eyes are beautiful. He lives with his mom during the summer but lives with me during the school year, he’s coming home in two weeks and I’m thinking about buying them and giving the contacts to him. AITJ for ‘hating the fact that my son is different and buying him contacts’?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You obviously don’t hate the fact that your son is different, you hate that he feels so different and uncomfortable with his looks.
When he’s older he may decide he likes it, he may not.
Storytime. I have a large birthmark on my calf. People would always comment on it and do it to this day. (When I was little it was pretty much my whole calf and bright red. Now that I’m older and taller it’s still a large portion of my calf but not as bright, but every summer I get ‘oh my God what happened to your leg?!’ from people).
My mom took me to the department store to get waterproof super heavy-duty concealer I could use to cover it. I really appreciated that she did, and she told me if I liked it she would keep buying it for me. Turns out I’m too low maintenance to keep up with that kind of thing and I instead concocted a story about how the birthmark is road rash from a motorcycle accident.
Kids will be kids. If it makes him more comfortable during this incredibly uncomfortable period of puberty, then it’s a good thing.” myBisL2
Another User Comments:
“I have the exact same thing, one very blue eye (or green if you ask my husband) and one very brown eye. Over the years I have gotten a ton of comments from various people, thankfully most overwhelmingly positive. I’ve been called a mutant enough that it must be true.
Those people were all well-meaning, and it makes me laugh. I will sometimes jokingly refer to it as my XMEN superpower.
Our situation differs in that the attention my eye colors got rarely bothered me. As a very shy individual (especially when I was a kid), I totally understand his insecurity, though. The first time anyone notices, it essentially turns into a staring contest until the person has sufficiently wrapped their head around the fact the eye color doesn’t match.
It’s slightly uncomfortable with coworkers, it can get more so with strangers.
If it helps, I had spent many years in retail and would look customers in the eyes when speaking to them. Most people weirdly either don’t notice or don’t seem to care. The ones that do are always taken by surprise, though, so that’s kinda funny.
I’m sad for your son that he has those insecurities regarding his eye colors and I hope one day he can embrace it.
My vote is no jerks here (but totally agree with others regarding the title phrasing.)” Erekes
Another User Comments:
“I really think it’s important you sit down and communicate with him. You and your ex should both have the chance to express that his unique features make him the special person he is to you both. Of course, specify his other talents and features, but emphasize that he is handsome for him.
Ask if he wants to talk with a therapist about self-esteem (maybe that word could come off scary though!) and help build his confidence. If all of this still doesn’t seem to be working and he isn’t happy, I really suggest having a therapist guide this conversation with you and your son (and hopefully your ex will be more onboard seeing other options not work) about what options (contacts may be one) he has.
YTJ for thinking of the contacts without ever asking him though. Imagine how hurtful it could come off if he is even slightly questioning his emotions towards his eyes. You giving him those could really seem like you saying ‘nothing else will help you, they’re that bad.’
Edit: Confidence needs to be built up by the people around you. You and your ex should be doing everything in your power to empower your son since you both can see he is suffering from his self-esteem.
Please both of you try and remind him daily of his greatness. Not saying you don’t know, I don’t know, but if you both are not, you should!!” firenationhan
Another User Comments:
“I’m going for no jerks here. Both you and your ex-wife have your hearts in the right place but you, OP are trying to validate your son’s desire to hide his insecurity away rather than confronting it.
That’s not healthy. You need to help him accept he has a slight difference from others and live with it. It can be done, it is difficult right now because adolescence is one goddamn difficult time with hormones changing and at the same time insecurities, peer pressure, bullying, etc. It can be a long process, but the more you help him accept himself, the easier it’ll be as he grows into an adult and stops caring.” kar98kforccw
3. AITJ For Not Paying The Babysitter What She Demanded?
“I (31F) have one son, 3M. He’s very sweet, calm, low-maintenance, and a great kid. I lucked out with him. We asked one of his daycare providers, B, to watch him for 5 hours, from 1-6 since I had to work. B knows he’s an easy kid and she knows him well, so she went with a lower charge, and we agreed on $50 for the whole time.
It wasn’t discussed in terms of hours, rather we agreed that $50 for the time she was there was sufficient.
Well, there ended up being a situation at work that prevented me from getting home at 6, so I wasn’t able to relieve her until around 6:45. My husband works from 11 AM to 8 PM, so him relieving her was out of the question.
When I got there, she seem to be in a hurry to get out of the house.
I understand that I was late, but as a person who works with kids and their parents, she is well aware that things come up. I handed her a $50 bill and she thanked me but asked for $7 more. I told her that she got the 50 she agreed on, but she said that since I was 45 mins late and I was paying her $10 an hour, she had earned $7 more for an extra 45 mins.
I told her that’s not what we agreed on. We agreed on $50, and it shouldn’t matter that I was late because we didn’t discuss it in terms of hours. She argued that I agreed I would be home at six and didn’t adhere to that either, but it’s an entirely different story.
I ended up only giving her $50 and showing her out of the house.
I’ll admit that she did a great job with my son. But in my opinion, she had no right to ask for more. My husband and mother both think that I was being a jerk. I don’t agree. AITJ?
ETA: Apparently my husband chose to Venmo her an extra $50 behind my back for her troubles. So she got double what we agreed upon. Happy now?
Edit 2: Okay, everyone.
I realize now that I really am the jerk. I never thought about it in terms of a bargain or from her standpoint, but it’s clear to me know that I was blatantly in the wrong. I sent her a text with my hubs last night apologizing and begging her to come back. We offered her:
$20 an hour from now on
An additional agreed-upon late fee if either of us is late again
We’re stocking our fridge and pantry with whatever snacks she enjoys
My son loves her, and she was great.
I feel awful that I treated her that way. I’ve apologized profusely and she thanked me and agreed to babysit for us again.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and you sound SO entitled. If you’re going to hire someone to watch your precious child, you should be paying them more. I made $10 an hour babysitting when I was 15 years old! An adult, who is a professional by the way, should be paid way more.
You’re lucky she agreed to $50. In addition, you did not show up on time. You can’t try to justify it as ‘she is a person who works with parents and kids and knows that things come up.’ She is an adult human being with other commitments, responsibilities, and a life of her own. You should have paid her for the additional time she worked. You should also gather some more respect for babysitters and daycare workers in general.” 10anon95
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
No part of what you’re saying is at all reasonable. She’s 100% right, you agreed on a price for specific hours. If you are late (which is also egregious already, by the way. She is allowed to have plans after, and you could have made her miss them. You get home when you say you will be home) then you pay for making her stay. You did not agree on ‘$50 from 1 pm until whenever I get home’.
You agreed on $50 from 1-6 pm. So anything she has to do after that is on a completely new deal. She honestly could have charged you for that time plus a late fee and I’d be on her side.
Plus, everyone around you is calling you a jerk, how are you so stubborn that you still can’t see it? And your username is laughable, and just shows what an entitled woman you are.” TheLoveliestKaren
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you being late is not a completely different story.
You sound really ungrateful that she took the extra hour to stay there and watch your kid, and don’t feel any remorse that she had to stay longer than needed. She did extra work, and you choose not to pay her because you already agreed to pay her $50 from 1 pm-6 pm, even though she worked past that allotted time frame.
Think of it this way, if a company has an employee that stays 45 minutes past their shift to handle other tasks for whatever reason, do they just not get paid for it because their schedule says they’re being paid for a certain time frame? No, they get still get paid for that extra time, because they were still doing their job and on the clock, just like your babysitter was.
Pay her what you owe her, and treat your babysitters better.
Are you that cheap and obsessed that you can’t give her the $7 that you owe her? Btw, the only entitled person here is you.” Bakedpotatooooo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Imagine thinking that your being late is someone else’s problem to deal with. SMH! You’re self-centered & self-entitled.
Your husband was doing damage control for your recklessness. He knows how fast word can spread.
If B comes back at all, you’d better be grateful & treat her with respect. She can crush you. She can make it so that NO ONE (at least no one that you’d want in your home or around your kid) will provide child care services for you. Word spreads FAST in the child care community. No one wants to take a chance working for someone who will screw them out of coins, which is what YOU did to B.
I don’t care what you think about your child. Those are your personal feelings as his mom. Child care is a job, if it weren’t, no one would expect payment. Now, your husband is trying to clean up your mess. You’d better hope that he’s successful. Be grateful to him, if he is. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself high & dry. You acted like a brat about $7 measly bucks.” mrsmoondawg1
Another User Comments:
“This is fake right? You agreed to $50 for 5 hours.
You were gone for 5 hours and 45 minutes. You didn’t hold up your end of the bargain, why should she hold up hers? Most decent people would be overly apologetic in your case and offer her more bucks to compensate (like your absolute gem of a husband did, he sounds like a saint compared to you). If she was working at an actual daycare she’d get paid until the time she left.
Not until the time she was meant to leave. So your argument about her being used to it from her regular job is invalid. It’s also an jerk thing to say. She should understand? Um no. You make it a priority to get back to her on time.
Childcare workers have their own lives to get back to the outside of work. Sometimes they even have children to get back to. Their time doesn’t belong to you just because they’re looking after your children during their work hours. I look after children too and it infuriates me when parents are late to pick them up. My late parents are usually only 10-15 minutes at most though and I damn well charge them for that time. YTJ.” TouchMyRustySpoon
2. AITJ For Coming To My Sister's Wedding In Bridesmaid Attire?
“My sister is getting married in August. I am a transgender female, my sister asked me to be her bridesmaid in June of last year, I have been transitioning for about 14 months at this point.
My parents are refusing to go to the wedding if I show up as myself. They have been trying to lobby me to do this for them because they have been so accepting.
They don’t want the trouble of having to explain to the family what being transgender is and I have never budged an inch. The wedding is in another country in reference to my parents and me, my sister lives there. I haven’t seen any of my family since before I started my transition and I haven’t directly come out to them. There is just WAY too much to have a reasonable sense of a 10 min conversation with each.
I told them that being embarrassed by me is not enough reason for me to do something psychologically damaging.
My sister is pretty broken up about the situation but she said she won’t force me to dress like a boy because that’s not me and her fiance backs whatever decision she makes.
edit: INFO: I came out publicly already to some extent, I changed my social media about 3 weeks ago and have 15-20 overseas family members on social media and made a coming outpost.
None of them commented or said anything. It was in English though. I have 17 aunts and uncles with all of them having children so contacting each one seems like a lot. We are from a former satellite soviet state that really isn’t the most liberal example of a society.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – they’re not being ‘so accepting’ if they’re demanding that you pretend to be someone you aren’t so that they don’t have to deal with a situation that may not even arise.
Here it’s easy. Your parents send an email to all the random relatives. ‘Our daughter Jenna is getting married, and we’re thrilled that she asked our other daughter Jane to be a bridesmaid” attach pictures of you and your sister’s bridesmaid dress shopping. Ta-DA!’
OR if they wait for all the way until wedding time
Random Relative ‘Uhhhh why is John dressed as a chick?’
Your Mom ‘Jane is dressed like a chick because she’s a chick, obviously…
how else would she dress?’
Their reaction after isn’t here or there, if they start losing their mind your parents can just remind them it’s 2020, and being a weird bigot is SOOOOOO 60 years ago.” WombatBeans
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are female. It’s not a negotiable point. That’s it. Your parents have to accept it and have whatever conversations come up. If you posted online about your transition and everything is shared with them I think you’ve done all you can reasonably without Skyping every relative.
Go be a bridesmaid and enjoy the wedding. Your parents will show up, I hope.
I want to be clear that I am not trying to mitigate their response but I do have a question. I was trying to think of any possible reasons they may push this after being accepted.
Is there any danger for you in the country the wedding will be in? I have friends that won’t travel to certain countries because they’re queer and the laws/culture in those countries protect the bigoted.
There are certain parts of the US they won’t visit either, for similar reasons, if I’m honest.
I only ask because as misguided as it may be something like that might influence someone into thinking, lying about your gender is safer. This disregards the emotional harm that you will endure but people don’t understand that.” n8673219
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Go, wear a beautiful bridesmaid outfit and be yourself.
Some things to consider though: Your parents may be afraid of the backlash they will face if they live in an LQBTQ unfriendly country, even if they support you in private.
There could be social consequences from family and the community they have not yet had to deal with as you have been abroad, it might not just be an embarrassment.
There is also the possibility that you will end up being the focus of the wedding rather than your sister. Or that some of the more conservative members could cause an issue at the ceremony is blindsided by this news.
That is not to say you should not do it. You have the support of the people who matter most. But there might be ways to migrate some of your parents’ reasons if you sat down and listened to their fears and they listened to your solutions without everyone getting their back up.” Cassscade
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… I’m sorry your parents are not as supportive as your sister.
It would be nice for the family to explicitly get a heads-up from your parents months away from the wedding so that it’s not a big deal and doesn’t cause any embarrassment for you or take anything away from your sister’s wedding.
As an aside, my friend’s wife’s family is Eastern European, but they live in North America now. It became known through social media etc. that one of her Uncles had transitioned and was now living as a female.
Her parents were hilarious about the whole thing in that they insisted it was a crazy made-up story and that they’d JUST seen him and he was completely living as a man – down to the mustache he’d had for 30 years. She tried to show them her (now) social media page, and they reacted like ‘This isn’t Sergei! We are supposed to believe this is real? It’s the internet!’ She’s like ‘Ma, I talk to her children.
Everyone knows. No one cares’.” MesWantooth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The only way your parent’s request could be framed as reasonable is if there were some legitimate danger to you or your extended family – and that doesn’t seem to be the case; also it’s in line with the bride and groom’s wishes, which Trump the parents
It’s also the thin end of a wedge: your sister will have wedding photos.
Does she want them to be out of sync with who you are? Does she want to explain why her sister is pretending to be her brother to her friends? Will your parents expect you to pretend to be a guy every time family visits from now on? Will, they make a fuss about doing it around any kids your sister has? You can’t keep a déception up so your parents don’t have to explain anything to the family from the old country for the rest of your life.” ropata-Guatemala
1. AITJ For Taking Back A Gift After I've Given It?
“A friend had a milestone birthday fairly recently and wasn’t able to celebrate of course, so a few of us friends mailed presents over.
I like to give slightly unconventional gifts. Things like novelty items, things in my house I don’t use and otherwise couldn’t afford to gift, handmade goods, that type of stuff.
It started as a way to remain generous while dirt broke in school but carried over to adult life because I liked the personal touch.
So for this friend I thought of things that would be good in the home and remembered I had a catered affair where they left me two big glass serving platters. Very high quality and I never use them. So I packaged them up and gave them as a gift.
I later found out he’d made a comment to the effect of, ‘polkadotsmoke couldn’t even be bothered to buy me a gift.
These are from that party last year.’ And it irritated me because they were nice platters and I could’ve just as easily kept them.
I called up to ask if there were any hard feelings to talk about and my friend said that while he appreciates I sent something, it seems kind of an insult to the relationship that I couldn’t be bothered to purchase something new and they didn’t want to start their new year with used trays.
I told him if that’s how he felt I wanted the platters back so I could gift them to someone who would be excited to have them. (They’d been used one time and were well out of the range of what most of my friends, him included, would typically spend on serving dishes in my honest opinion.)
Of course, that just got us into a deeper dispute.
He assumed I was taking them back and buying something else in their place. I wasn’t. Now he wants me to send them back because they’re better than nothing. I’m holding onto them.
My friends say I’m the jerk for not just buying a gift in the first place. I think he’s the jerk for going out of his way to complain about my present. But I still have a lingering bad feeling that I could be in the wrong, turning a joyful occasion in his life into this petty back and forth.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Well, I mean, yeah, it’s a little bit tacky to look at the calendar and go, ‘Oh, (friend)’s birthday is coming up,’ and then start looking around your house for stuff you’re not using that you can give away. Your friends are not charity shops. Bit cheap, too. Which is fine if you’re broke, but you’re not, you say you started this while broke and continued doing it.
You don’t have to spend a heap on someone’s birthday gift, but the fact that you just won’t spend any tells your friends that they’re not worth spending on–or worth spending the time it takes to select a personal gift.
Because this is not even a thoughtful gift–it’s something you got for free, weren’t using, and therefore didn’t think you would miss. Yeah, it’s a real shocker that this friend didn’t like it.
Do you not get what kind of message that sends? Just giving things you’re not using means you’re giving things you haven’t personally selected for this particular friend, which means they’re thoughtless convenience presents. And for a milestone birthday, too. Jesus Christ.
The fact that you’re giving things you’re not using is already an awful principle to begin with–who says your friend is going to use them? Maybe they’ll just sit around his house gathering dust, too.
‘I could’ve just as easily kept them’ is not a good justification. You can’t demand gratitude when you haven’t put any effort into your gift-giving at all. YTJ” lorelorelei
Another User Comments:
“YTJ (slight esh for the friend saying, ‘give it back bc better than nothing’)
Gift-giving is meant to shop thoughtfulness and appreciation. In a way, it says ‘I spent time and thoughts in order to make you happy and show you that I‘m grateful to have you in my life’.
You can gift used things, but they have to (in my opinion) follow certain norms:
You can gift something from a thrift store or market as an ‘I know this is one of your interests and when I saw it I thought of you and just had to get it!’
You can gift an ‘heirloom’ or something that you can‘t reBuy new in which a friend voiced significant interest.
For example ‘I know you‘ve always loved this clock that originally belonged to my great-grandma. I want to give it to you bc to me you‘re more than I friend and I want to keep this friendship for the rest of my life’ or (real-life example) ‘Hey, you always said that you too wanted this specific edition of Dante’s inferno and since it‘s out of print I want to give you mine, bc it‘ll give you more joy than me’.
In gift giving the message is more important than the gift itself.
Even with expensive gifts. If someone gifts you a 10000€ lawn mover when you live in a city apartment – that gift won‘t be appreciated, bc obviously the gift giver didn‘t bother while choosing the gift. When someone gifts you rn a PS5, bc you‘re a gamer it says ‘I went great lengths to secure this elusive gift bc you‘re worth the time and money’.
What you did however sends the message of: ‘It‘s your birthday? Oh.. ehm… here‘s some plates or whatever… idk they were lying around’ and then you topped it with ‘you don‘t want my junk? Well, screw you then! You ungrateful skunk!’
If you want to get rid of stuff you don‘t use give it to people outside of their birthdays. Just shoot them a random message of ‘hey, I have this mixer I‘m not using, it works perfectly fine.
Do you want it or do you know someone who might need it?’
And at this point, the probability is quite high that this friendship is as good as gone or will turn to a random acquaintance rather sooner than later.” _Raziel__
Another User Comments:
“Strong YTJ from me. I would sincerely recommend reassessing your gift-giving strategy and your vision of yourself as a gift-giver.
You are commending yourself for your ‘unconventional gifts’, and the ‘personal touch’, when to an outside viewer, it comes across as borderline pathological.
You’ve stated that your gift-giving habits arose out of financial necessity, and it seems like that adversity has created a warped view of what is appropriate to gift. (I keep feeling like it’s almost akin to hoarding in a way.)
Obviously, your friend was less than gracious in his response to your ‘gift’, but I’m taking that as a statement of just how much this habit of yours has affected your relationships.
In all seriousness, give the matter some thought, and maybe look into therapy to help unkink some of the effects of situational poverty?” CinderellaRidvan
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for giving away your unwanted items as gifts. So tacky. I have occasionally gifted pre-loved items of mine to friends who have constantly commented on how much they love the said item. I would never do this for a birthday or event, I just give the item to them.
Gifts are supposed to be about the thought, what thought have you put into finding something you don’t use anymore? Trashy. And if those glass trays came from a catering company, they are almost definitely well used. They don’t buy new trays for each event. Make a card or something if you want to be cheap. At least that takes some thought.” unrecoverable_error
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, ‘I like to give slightly unconventional gifts.
Things like novelty items, things in my house I don’t use and otherwise couldn’t afford to gift, handmade goods, that type of stuff. ‘ So you are cheap, have no time to actually find something for your friends. Expense or not this sounds lazy and inconsiderate. Then you gift a friend dish that was left at your house by accident? It’s one thing to re-gift, but you re-gifted a dish that could have been used hundreds of times, you might have used it once, but the caterer used it way more. Time to grow up, actually think what your friends would like, and actually do something for your friends instead of grabbing random stuff from your bookshelf.” User
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